Da relationship was for me So damaging and deeply painful. The icy behavior, the stone walling, believing things are ok then next minute ignoring and distancing themselves Not healthy Unless they want to change/do the work You will only be disappointed over n over
I unfortunately found out about this after stepping out of a relationship. He actually broke up with me saying "I deserved better" and I said, "Indeed" and proceeded to agree with it peacefully and quietly move along. I started no contact immediately and he contacted me 17 days after. He also invited me out for dinner. But when he mentioned something about keeping our friendship I declined. I told him I wouldn't be around for friendship and after that, we haven't spoken again. This was about 20 days ago. These videos has helped me to understand myself better and others even in my family and circle but, the more I hear about it and the more I learn, the more I lose interest. It is all about themselves with this group and only a broken person would enjoy this constant battle to obtain so little. I miss seeing him and talking to him. But, I am happy I stood and continue standing for myself with dignity and self respect. I haven't broken the no contact once and I've been confident and firm
How is it going? Did you reconsile? I am at this place you described, learning about attachment styles and losing interest. Or rather, putting things in the right perspective
@@franciszkaszczurow6054 I continued strict no contact. I never broke it but, I have missed him every day. After all these weeks/months he just texted me last night (I swear) out of the blue saying he has been thinking about me and want to know how am I doing, how’s my business doing and my family etc. I haven’t replied and here I was reading my notifications when I found your message. Lol
Mine also said unbelievably cruel things during the break up when I fully supported him emotionally. It was horrific experience. But I feel greatful because I'm finally learning the truth. They have to hit rock bottom. All we can do is take care of ourselves
@@franciszkaszczurow6054 yes finally I got to know he is DA.. it’s a risky bet to be with them life time.. walking on eggshell.. one conflict and they r gone.. I am afraid of these attachment styles.. next time with new person I will fake a conflict just to see what that person does 😂
Guys, don’t do it. Your needs will never be met and all their actions reflect their perceived obligation towards you rather than their humanity. It’s always a lose lose situation
Alexis has made in my opinion one of the best videos on RUclips explaining dismissive avoidant attachment style. I know because I was in a relationship with one who left me for another man. After we broke up I told her"you deserve each other"..... She replied"I get what I deserve,". Alexis spoke about this at 6:40 in this video. The avoidant really doesn't believe they deserve better. There was really no reason for her to break up with me since basically we were really getting along very well. She self-sabotaged our relationship because I was getting too close to her. She felt she didn't deserve me. Perhaps she felt she didn't have the right to be happy. An issue of low self-esteem, undoubtedly It's really sad for both of us. Some people say love is a game..... If that's true we both lost, because we lost each other.
Good stuff!! I was Anxious and he's Avoidant, it was very difficult dealing with him. We tried for four roller coaster year's. Throw in some Narcisism on his part and it was impossible to please him. I will avoid All DA type men from now on. They rarely to their part to make things better..was always my fault.
It's all about them, their needs and pleasures, their side flings and moods. You don't matter at all. And everything is your fault. How dare you want respect? You do t deserve any, but they do. F that. Who wants them back?
I’m sorry but who in their right mind would want to be with someone like that? That’s ridiculous and toxic asf. It’s a trauma bond just waiting to happen. F that bs. I was with a DA for 5 years and he left me in Feb utterly broken and I feel like I’m dying. I’m so beyond traumatized and I’m done. He keeps lingering around and I’m done with the bs and games.
So right! I know your frustration. Walking on eggshells, and they are unresponsive and will leave you because they are pressured by the way you hold your glass?! What about our needs? But no , we haven’t the right to an intelligent conversation about the relationship. DA ´s should be shunned. Don’t let them in!
They don't feel like they deserve it. They feel like it is unsafe to depend on that intimacy. It makes them very uncomfortable since they have learned to live only relying on themselves. Intimacy requires another person, and it is hard for them to make space for that person they feel so close to. So instead of looking into the feelings, trying to understand what causes them and why they feel that way, they run 180° in the opposite direction.
If they want space why don't they just ask for it, it would save SO much stress. How can they not know something so basic? Even if it is very difficult for them they must know intellectually that this is not the right way to behave and they are putting their relationship at serious risk? Does it take years of failed relationships for them to realise no one is going to put up with it? It's just selfishness and immaturity isn't it? 🤦♀️ I have no idea if he's accepted responsibility for the breakup because we're in no contact. He's not exactly going to tell me so it's a gamble. I think I'll just wait until I've fully let go of it so I'm not outcome dependent. Thank you :)
Modernity and throwing all the women into the factories as cheap underpaid labour, while selling them the myth of emancipation and feminism, leaving their children growing up as neglected, and stunted emotionally growing up, has a lot to answer for. If you have any experience of family values from other cultures, you can really see how messed up the Anglo-Saxon/European world view really is. As part Italian, and having had most of my life going out with guys from other cultures, then dating an English DA the last year, I can really see how toxic the English lack of family life really is, and how emotional neglect in early childhood has affected my DA partner. Meanwhile he thinks his emotionally retarded behaviour is 'mature', whereas I see his inability to even comprehend emotions as totally stunted and the same as that of an immature teenager, despite him now being 50 years old.
It's great if a DA can and does work on themselves to heal from their trauma, but in the meantime being with one as a partner is sort of like you're dealing with an AI - you can't expect them to do and behave in the human way - it is sort of insane to subject yourself to having your primary relationship be with such a person
This is the best video I've seen/listened to regarding a DA person, how they think etc. Thank you Alexis!! Ive been learning about DA and the other attachment styles for the last 14 months, and this is brilliantly done.
Yeah, all the so-called self-made CEOs all made their money from their families and inheritance, as well as from the military, including Gates, and Musk etc.
Although now we have no contact, I realized that a guy who was being in love might be a DA after watching this video.. And however I got over this separation by self-reflection to be aware of my faults or my lacking, it comes to mind that it would be not all my shortcomings. Since I have self-esteem and I love myself, I thought I could love others even though It’s not perfect. However, as his busyness (in fact, it seems that he was in a very busy season) or indicator of DA, he sometimes stopped replying, treated me like an underclassman about love (of course, I was fully aware that I didn't have the same love experience as him..), these made me unconfident to face him. And I began to think about many things to bring up an orderly discussion a lot time. Eventually, he told me you were immature and you were below my level, so the conversation ended. It was a foggy way to end.. I’m from Japan. Attachment styles are not familiar with us, and thankful to know that.
Thanks Alexis, my current DA ex, who I still share an allotment with [land for gardening, growing vegetables, etc.] has shown all of the above behaviours. Started off amazing, told me he wanted commitment etc. maybe he would want to marry me, etc. Then sabotaged everything step by step in all the ways you describe. Loving one minute, then flirting with other women in front of my face the next, when I already told him I don't like it. etc. I would say however, that even when you say that they don't express their needs, at the same time, I've noticed with mine, that when things are 'going well', primarily for him, because I am going with the flow and accepting his nature and adapting to him; he essentially expects me to mind-read him. So he might not communicate for 3 days, but then when he does, he expects me to mind-read him and to jump to meet him and be with him. Then he will be there for me, and loving for me, but I have had to work out a lot of the time how he feels or what he wants, essentially through mind-reading. So it is a lot like dealing with a child, who is not able to articulate their own needs, and I have to mother him and be there for him. Then he will be loving and happy and also kind for me, buying me meals and taking me out etc. but then he continually sabotages things for no reason, acting like he's with me one minute, then acting like he's single, flirting with other women the next. Treating me like we are together and committed one minute, and he wants to protect me and adapt to me, then telling me he doesn't want a relationship etc. and ignoring me when I ask him to talk to me the next. So now we are no contact and I've just left him a voicemail telling him that he's sabotaged everything between us by his own behaviour and he can get back to me when he wants. He hasn't of course. So I'm going to have to find someone who he used to work with to help me negotiate with him as a neutral person, just so we can communicate about what we are doing with the various projects we are supposed to be dealing with at least. I really value your videos, thanks a lot, but I can't afford your coaching, sorry about that. Thanks for the insight all the same. :-) It's helped me get over the anxiety that the 'situationship' has inevitably caused and gain some objectivity at least. Thank you.
This was literally my exact story also. Sucks we have to go through this hell but at least we're not alone. And it got so bad that we found this information. This is the kind of thing people commit suicide over.
With casual sex with the DA they are “in charge” of their emotional wounds/trauma ..but as they grow in a relationship they start to lose that “control” and it brings up or ties into their sexual abuse and thus run or pull away..because they like you said don’t see themselves as lovable/deserving of your love because they see themselves as damaged..but do see themselves as someone to be used..like they have experienced but sadly they see themselves as being of control of it..when it just continues to add to their mindset of who they are and what they deserve because they continue to be used..but they too like anyone else needs Intimacy but they get their “fix” of “intimacy”(albeit a false one)through this type of casual sex situation
First sign of conflict they will "slam the door and leave the house" yeah or if you're not living together they will just break up with you. My ex did when our first real argument occurred.. so heart breaking
The hardest part is I know I’m anxious and sensitive deep down but my transgender women ex literally made me cry hard it felt traumatic never felt that that deep before over someone I was trying my best I would do everything she wanted there was only one time when she told me I could pick the place I started to realize I went with it because I take interest in other people’s interests but Idk it’s messed up told me I needed to get a job and possibly a car otherwise it wouldn’t work always projecting insecurities onto me saying things like I always felt the man would take care of me things like that I was also the one that gave her the confidence at the beginning to open up to her family about her being transgender and that just sucks cause she never tried to do anything as time went on saying I know I have issues and things need to change but yea it was only to get me to feel better in the moment idk it’s crazy how I still care I felt connected but idk if she really cared enough or at all I just kept getting treated bad put down be littling gas lighting emotional abuse never gave me an answer I said I don’t wanna be strung along or be hurt kept playing the victim card constantly she would talk bad about my dad saying he doesn’t except her as a women which that’s not entirely the truth everyone views things different it’s a process but then she says my mom and her husband are great kind people but every time we would be in the presence of my family she’s kind but behind closed doors in the car or home she’s just straight up petty and demanding as I stayed at her place I had to pay the water bill one time which isn’t my responsibility I didn’t have a job at the moment but I would clean the house and dishes and take care of the dog while she’s at work to earn my keep I felt like I was the parent doing chores she would never clean hardly ever she would sit on her phone all the time shed get mad and sleep in her moms bed when it’s just her and I since her mom worked for airlines so she’s never around there were times I wanted to leave got my stuff ready to go cause something was telling me to get away just before I would leave she’s pathetically whine like a kid not dramatically just doing the bare minimum to get me to stay and sure enough when I say yes she goes to work all happy comes back and the cycle of being petty and on her terms starts all over again also don’t remember I forgot to mention I was her first relationship so not sure if I really mattered much over here feeling like I made an impact on her life I guess not it seems she had anger issues and if she lost something and she was on a time crunch she would freak out looking for whatever it is she needs and I’ll stand there cause it’s uncomfortable and not sure what to do and she would yell at me and say things like why are you just standing there can you help !! Like I’m suppose to do things for her and I’m to nice and I help anyways she does drag and I remember she’s got a drag room where she makes all her stuff sews and things like that she left the hose running outside and it leaked into the basement everywhere and when she found out she flipped which makes sense but she assumes it was the water softener but nope it was her clumsy a.. that left the hose on this was soon after we started dating and I stayed with her and I helped her calm down and she appreciated that I was able to handle her craziness she said most people can’t handle it and I said I’d clean up the mess for her cause I’m nice like that and knew she was under distress I would clean up a lot of things for her and it sucks after all the things that I have mentioned and haven’t cause believe me I’ve done so much it still wasn’t good enough and I get dropped and then I try to fix things weeks after and get blown off I guess you have to be careful who you put your energy in
@@gwendolynn7314 bc mine was very strange and I often wondered maybe if. He was def a DA but I found Gay porn, Trans Porn, more things came to the surface and he never quite seemed to come clean about things out of fear and shame. But I wondered if any of these men who are DA are gay? I know that’s really weird and far fetched to ask but I would like to see a survey done. Maybe a lot of them are suppressing their sexuality also. Maybe not.
@@gwendolynn7314 the extreme da is f60.81 narcissist. Cannot do the work to become more stable. Cannot be interdependent but can learn. Conflicts can be resolved but they have to learn this. This man was da and did the work to get secure.
Great question I’ve heard many narcissists are closet gays. My ex had a long list of women he hurt and ran through no meaningful relationships. I always suspected he was gay but no proof.
yeah I thought that with my DA at one point. I don't think that he is gay though, since he primarily flirts with other women in front of my face, after taking me out on dates, or arranging to meet me, just to distance himself from me, and sabotage any kind of security in the relationship when he's actually with me. Hanging out with all his single male friends, instead of spending time with me in the evenings, after failing to establish secure intimacy also happened after 6 months. Idolising his ex from 30 years ago while she's dressed up like a slut (for a band photo he claims, despite the fact it's just her, and she moved on 30 years ago with someone else, and he's been in myriad other bands since then, including another one with just guys right now, he never advertises), talking to a random nude model bitch he's never even met behind my back when he's in bed with me. The list goes on, you can wonder whether or not he's gay, only able to express interest in random stranger females, or exes or random women on the internet he's never met. Any excuse to just avoid intimacy and opening up to you. All this, after we had a wonderful, loving start to the relationship where he told me I was the one, he wanted to marry me, we were soul mates etc. Anything just to sabotage and f.... mess up the relationship.
Can someone hint out about DAs who use a few of distancing strategies, but also say they had a great time every time they meet, are keen to meet, compliment and apologise when they feel you're pissed or upset. What kind of DAs would these be?
Is going silent on you after an argument a brakeup? He went silent am trying to reach but in vain, no replies or even reading my texts just gray ticks. Now going to 3 weeks
No, it’s deactivating- they need space. How much space you ask? How long is a piece of string? 🤷🏽♀️ Take your energy of him & focus on yourself. I used to do the same thing but you make it worse when you keep texting etc, In their eyes you’re proving them right that it’s too much. So focus on yourself & he’ll come around when he’s ready. It also depends on how you’re trying to reach out as in what you’re saying. What ended up working for me was a text along the lines of “I’m a little worried & confused but clearly you’re not open to communication. I hope you’re ok. When you’re ready to talk, you know how to find me or I’m only a phone call away or I’m here when you’re ready to talk” They won’t feel pressured, there’s no anger & it shows you’re allowing them the space they need. I’ve only ever had to send 3 messages like that in 2 years, the first he took 2 days to reply. The second 10 hours & the last time 4 hours & a phone call. After I’d send the text I’d go on about my day & keep myself busy, it helps.. just focus on you, he’ll come back..
This is sooo generalised as to be rendered unhelpful. DA here and my self-esteem is too high, resulting from high independence - I know I can do better, work harder, deserve better. I have never said "I don't deserve you". Where is the driver for the DA articulated here? Remember, a DA is looking for safety and security - the purpose of commitment is to achieve safety and security. Commitment for a DA is particular to them.
The high independence itself indicates low self esteem. High self esteem entails interdependence. Having others depending on you and you on them. That's how infinite growth and strength happens. Independence leads to dead ends eventually (prior avoidant)
Can you make a video about how a couple whom the one has anxious preoccupied attachment style and the other fearful avoidant attachment style can get along with each other?
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together. and if you need any kind of help he can help you....
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together. and if you need any kind of help he can help you....
Da relationship was for me
So damaging and deeply painful.
The icy behavior, the stone walling, believing things are ok then next minute ignoring and distancing themselves
Not healthy
Unless they want to change/do the work
You will only be disappointed over n over
They won't change nor should you desire that. Deal with folks who value you up front.
I unfortunately found out about this after stepping out of a relationship. He actually broke up with me saying "I deserved better" and I said, "Indeed" and proceeded to agree with it peacefully and quietly move along. I started no contact immediately and he contacted me 17 days after. He also invited me out for dinner. But when he mentioned something about keeping our friendship I declined. I told him I wouldn't be around for friendship and after that, we haven't spoken again. This was about 20 days ago. These videos has helped me to understand myself better and others even in my family and circle but, the more I hear about it and the more I learn, the more I lose interest. It is all about themselves with this group and only a broken person would enjoy this constant battle to obtain so little. I miss seeing him and talking to him. But, I am happy I stood and continue standing for myself with dignity and self respect. I haven't broken the no contact once and I've been confident and firm
How is it going? Did you reconsile?
I am at this place you described, learning about attachment styles and losing interest. Or rather, putting things in the right perspective
@@franciszkaszczurow6054 I continued strict no contact. I never broke it but, I have missed him every day. After all these weeks/months he just texted me last night (I swear) out of the blue saying he has been thinking about me and want to know how am I doing, how’s my business doing and my family etc. I haven’t replied and here I was reading my notifications when I found your message. Lol
Mine also said unbelievably cruel things during the break up when I fully supported him emotionally. It was horrific experience. But I feel greatful because I'm finally learning the truth. They have to hit rock bottom. All we can do is take care of ourselves
@@franciszkaszczurow6054 yes finally I got to know he is DA.. it’s a risky bet to be with them life time.. walking on eggshell.. one conflict and they r gone.. I am afraid of these attachment styles.. next time with new person I will fake a conflict just to see what that person does 😂
Guys, don’t do it. Your needs will never be met and all their actions reflect their perceived obligation towards you rather than their humanity. It’s always a lose lose situation
Alexis has made in my opinion one of the best videos on RUclips explaining dismissive avoidant attachment style.
I know because I was in a relationship with one who left me for another man.
After we broke up I told her"you deserve each other"..... She replied"I get what I deserve,".
Alexis spoke about this at 6:40 in this video. The avoidant really doesn't believe they deserve better. There was really no reason for her to break up with me since basically we were really getting along very well.
She self-sabotaged our relationship because I was getting too close to her. She felt she didn't deserve me. Perhaps she felt she didn't have the right to be happy.
An issue of low self-esteem, undoubtedly
It's really sad for both of us. Some people say love is a game..... If that's true we both lost, because we lost each other.
I felt the same. I said "have fun with your rebound" he said "thank you for having humor about it*...crazy. sad
Good stuff!! I was Anxious and he's Avoidant, it was very difficult dealing with him. We tried for four roller coaster year's. Throw in some Narcisism on his part and it was impossible to please him. I will avoid All DA type men from now on. They rarely to their part to make things better..was always my fault.
Entirely agree. No more enabling wounded masculine. No more being kind and nice to these people. It’s not healthy. It’s completely shattered me.
Their "boundaries" make things convenient for them and uncomfortable for you.
It's all about them, their needs and pleasures, their side flings and moods. You don't matter at all. And everything is your fault. How dare you want respect? You do t deserve any, but they do. F that. Who wants them back?
I had the same situation but other way around. i am a guy and she was avoidant girl. Fucking emotional nightmare!
Thank you for helping me understand my DA boyfriend,
Now ex boyfriend. I hope he has a good life and gets help.
I’m sorry but who in their right mind would want to be with someone like that? That’s ridiculous and toxic asf. It’s a trauma bond just waiting to happen. F that bs. I was with a DA for 5 years and he left me in Feb utterly broken and I feel like I’m dying. I’m so beyond traumatized and I’m done. He keeps lingering around and I’m done with the bs and games.
Five years ? Five months is five months too long. These people are cold, selfish, and weird and toxic. Find a secure person.
So right! I know your frustration. Walking on eggshells, and they are unresponsive and will leave you because they are pressured by the way you hold your glass?! What about our needs? But no , we haven’t the right to an intelligent conversation about the relationship. DA ´s should be shunned. Don’t let them in!
What ended up happening?
@@beccf.s.8012 he contacted me this week. Wants to take things slow. Moving close by loln
Maybe you were with someone who had NPD and not a da? Attachments can with work change to more secure. If they have NPD there is no changing that.
Why do DA'S take away the intimacy? It was devastating when it happened to me.
They don't feel like they deserve it. They feel like it is unsafe to depend on that intimacy. It makes them very uncomfortable since they have learned to live only relying on themselves. Intimacy requires another person, and it is hard for them to make space for that person they feel so close to. So instead of looking into the feelings, trying to understand what causes them and why they feel that way, they run 180° in the opposite direction.
Happened to me too
If they want space why don't they just ask for it, it would save SO much stress. How can they not know something so basic? Even if it is very difficult for them they must know intellectually that this is not the right way to behave and they are putting their relationship at serious risk? Does it take years of failed relationships for them to realise no one is going to put up with it? It's just selfishness and immaturity isn't it? 🤦♀️ I have no idea if he's accepted responsibility for the breakup because we're in no contact. He's not exactly going to tell me so it's a gamble. I think I'll just wait until I've fully let go of it so I'm not outcome dependent. Thank you :)
How are so many people avoidants? Are there that many terrible parents in the world?
YES!
Modernity and throwing all the women into the factories as cheap underpaid labour, while selling them the myth of emancipation and feminism, leaving their children growing up as neglected, and stunted emotionally growing up, has a lot to answer for. If you have any experience of family values from other cultures, you can really see how messed up the Anglo-Saxon/European world view really is. As part Italian, and having had most of my life going out with guys from other cultures, then dating an English DA the last year, I can really see how toxic the English lack of family life really is, and how emotional neglect in early childhood has affected my DA partner. Meanwhile he thinks his emotionally retarded behaviour is 'mature', whereas I see his inability to even comprehend emotions as totally stunted and the same as that of an immature teenager, despite him now being 50 years old.
Yes
Daycare, women expected to be providers....etc work culture causing child neglect
It's great if a DA can and does work on themselves to heal from their trauma, but in the meantime being with one as a partner is sort of like you're dealing with an AI - you can't expect them to do and behave in the human way - it is sort of insane to subject yourself to having your primary relationship be with such a person
This is the best video I've seen/listened to regarding a DA person, how they think etc. Thank you Alexis!! Ive been learning about DA and the other attachment styles for the last 14 months, and this is brilliantly done.
my ex was exactly this way. I never met anyone this way. I was so confused about things but loved her like nobody else.
There is NO ONE self made…ever
Yeah, all the so-called self-made CEOs all made their money from their families and inheritance, as well as from the military, including Gates, and Musk etc.
@@liliaaaaaaaa although that extends to all social classes. The universe is an ecosystem and we all depend on each other
Although now we have no contact, I realized that a guy who was being in love might be a DA after watching this video..
And however I got over this separation by self-reflection to be aware of my faults or my lacking, it comes to mind that it would be not all my shortcomings.
Since I have self-esteem and I love myself, I thought I could love others even though It’s not perfect. However, as his busyness (in fact, it seems that he was in a very busy season) or indicator of DA, he sometimes stopped replying, treated me like an underclassman about love (of course, I was fully aware that I didn't have the same love experience as him..), these made me unconfident to face him. And I began to think about many things to bring up an orderly discussion a lot time.
Eventually, he told me you were immature and you were below my level, so the conversation ended. It was a foggy way to end..
I’m from Japan. Attachment styles are not familiar with us, and thankful to know that.
Thanks Alexis, my current DA ex, who I still share an allotment with [land for gardening, growing vegetables, etc.] has shown all of the above behaviours. Started off amazing, told me he wanted commitment etc. maybe he would want to marry me, etc. Then sabotaged everything step by step in all the ways you describe. Loving one minute, then flirting with other women in front of my face the next, when I already told him I don't like it. etc. I would say however, that even when you say that they don't express their needs, at the same time, I've noticed with mine, that when things are 'going well', primarily for him, because I am going with the flow and accepting his nature and adapting to him; he essentially expects me to mind-read him. So he might not communicate for 3 days, but then when he does, he expects me to mind-read him and to jump to meet him and be with him. Then he will be there for me, and loving for me, but I have had to work out a lot of the time how he feels or what he wants, essentially through mind-reading. So it is a lot like dealing with a child, who is not able to articulate their own needs, and I have to mother him and be there for him. Then he will be loving and happy and also kind for me, buying me meals and taking me out etc. but then he continually sabotages things for no reason, acting like he's with me one minute, then acting like he's single, flirting with other women the next. Treating me like we are together and committed one minute, and he wants to protect me and adapt to me, then telling me he doesn't want a relationship etc. and ignoring me when I ask him to talk to me the next. So now we are no contact and I've just left him a voicemail telling him that he's sabotaged everything between us by his own behaviour and he can get back to me when he wants. He hasn't of course. So I'm going to have to find someone who he used to work with to help me negotiate with him as a neutral person, just so we can communicate about what we are doing with the various projects we are supposed to be dealing with at least.
I really value your videos, thanks a lot, but I can't afford your coaching, sorry about that. Thanks for the insight all the same. :-) It's helped me get over the anxiety that the 'situationship' has inevitably caused and gain some objectivity at least. Thank you.
I so identify with everything you wrote.....it is so exhausting and confusing to be in a relationship with someone DA.
This was literally my exact story also. Sucks we have to go through this hell but at least we're not alone. And it got so bad that we found this information. This is the kind of thing people commit suicide over.
With casual sex with the DA they are “in charge” of their emotional wounds/trauma ..but as they grow in a relationship they start to lose that “control” and it brings up or ties into their sexual abuse and thus run or pull away..because they like you said don’t see themselves as lovable/deserving of your love because they see themselves as damaged..but do see themselves as someone to be used..like they have experienced but sadly they see themselves as being of control of it..when it just continues to add to their mindset of who they are and what they deserve because they continue to be used..but they too like anyone else needs Intimacy but they get their “fix” of “intimacy”(albeit a false one)through this type of casual sex situation
Yea mine couldn't tolerate anything less than a sex addiction. So insecure sexually.
First sign of conflict they will "slam the door and leave the house" yeah or if you're not living together they will just break up with you. My ex did when our first real argument occurred.. so heart breaking
thank you for these videos. they have been so very helpful in understanding myself and my ex partner.
If you fulfill your partners needs, I wouldn’t have a job 🤣
Oh Alexis you’re so funny 😂
why should you care? No one deserves to be treated poorly, like they did, simply for caring about someone.
The hardest part is I know I’m anxious and sensitive deep down but my transgender women ex literally made me cry hard it felt traumatic never felt that that deep before over someone
I was trying my best I would do everything she wanted there was only one time when she told me I could pick the place I started to realize I went with it because I take interest in other people’s interests but Idk it’s messed up told me I needed to get a job and possibly a car otherwise it wouldn’t work always projecting insecurities onto me saying things like I always felt the man would take care of me things like that
I was also the one that gave her the confidence at the beginning to open up to her family about her being transgender and that just sucks cause she never tried to do anything as time went on saying I know I have issues and things need to change but yea it was only to get me to feel better in the moment idk it’s crazy how I still care I felt connected but idk if she really cared enough or at all I just kept getting treated bad put down be littling gas lighting emotional abuse never gave me an answer I said I don’t wanna be strung along or be hurt kept playing the victim card constantly she would talk bad about my dad saying he doesn’t except her as a women which that’s not entirely the truth everyone views things different it’s a process but then she says my mom and her husband are great kind people but every time we would be in the presence of my family she’s kind but behind closed doors in the car or home she’s just straight up petty and demanding as I stayed at her place I had to pay the water bill one time which isn’t my responsibility I didn’t have a job at the moment but I would clean the house and dishes and take care of the dog while she’s at work to earn my keep I felt like I was the parent doing chores she would never clean hardly ever she would sit on her phone all the time shed get mad and sleep in her moms bed when it’s just her and I since her mom worked for airlines so she’s never around there were times I wanted to leave got my stuff ready to go cause something was telling me to get away just before I would leave she’s pathetically whine like a kid not dramatically just doing the bare minimum to get me to stay and sure enough when I say yes she goes to work all happy comes back and the cycle of being petty and on her terms starts all over again also don’t remember I forgot to mention I was her first relationship so not sure if I really mattered much over here feeling like I made an impact on her life I guess not it seems she had anger issues and if she lost something and she was on a time crunch she would freak out looking for whatever it is she needs and I’ll stand there cause it’s uncomfortable and not sure what to do and she would yell at me and say things like why are you just standing there can you help !!
Like I’m suppose to do things for her and I’m to nice and I help anyways she does drag and I remember she’s got a drag room where she makes all her stuff sews and things like that she left the hose running outside and it leaked into the basement everywhere and when she found out she flipped which makes sense but she assumes it was the water softener but nope it was her clumsy a.. that left the hose on this was soon after we started dating and I stayed with her and I helped her calm down and she appreciated that I was able to handle her craziness she said most people can’t handle it and I said I’d clean up the mess for her cause I’m nice like that and knew she was under distress I would clean up a lot of things for her and it sucks after all the things that I have mentioned and haven’t cause believe me I’ve done so much it still wasn’t good enough and I get dropped and then I try to fix things weeks after and get blown off I guess you have to be careful who you put your energy in
How many of these DA are closet gay? Can we get a number on that?
Why would you conclude DA as gay? They're behavior stems from how they're raised as a child.
@@gwendolynn7314 bc mine was very strange and I often wondered maybe if. He was def a DA but I found Gay porn, Trans Porn, more things came to the surface and he never quite seemed to come clean about things out of fear and shame. But I wondered if any of these men who are DA are gay? I know that’s really weird and far fetched to ask but I would like to see a survey done. Maybe a lot of them are suppressing their sexuality also. Maybe not.
@@gwendolynn7314 the extreme da is f60.81 narcissist. Cannot do the work to become more stable. Cannot be interdependent but can learn. Conflicts can be resolved but they have to learn this. This man was da and did the work to get secure.
Great question I’ve heard many narcissists are closet gays. My ex had a long list of women he hurt and ran through no meaningful relationships. I always suspected he was gay but no proof.
yeah I thought that with my DA at one point. I don't think that he is gay though, since he primarily flirts with other women in front of my face, after taking me out on dates, or arranging to meet me, just to distance himself from me, and sabotage any kind of security in the relationship when he's actually with me. Hanging out with all his single male friends, instead of spending time with me in the evenings, after failing to establish secure intimacy also happened after 6 months. Idolising his ex from 30 years ago while she's dressed up like a slut (for a band photo he claims, despite the fact it's just her, and she moved on 30 years ago with someone else, and he's been in myriad other bands since then, including another one with just guys right now, he never advertises), talking to a random nude model bitch he's never even met behind my back when he's in bed with me. The list goes on, you can wonder whether or not he's gay, only able to express interest in random stranger females, or exes or random women on the internet he's never met. Any excuse to just avoid intimacy and opening up to you. All this, after we had a wonderful, loving start to the relationship where he told me I was the one, he wanted to marry me, we were soul mates etc. Anything just to sabotage and f.... mess up the relationship.
Can someone hint out about DAs who use a few of distancing strategies, but also say they had a great time every time they meet, are keen to meet, compliment and apologise when they feel you're pissed or upset. What kind of DAs would these be?
The quite typical kind
Could you something about Fearful Avoidant? They are very confusing.
Do you think avoidants are more likely to cheat? You should do a video
Is going silent on you after an argument a brakeup? He went silent am trying to reach but in vain, no replies or even reading my texts just gray ticks. Now going to 3 weeks
No, it’s deactivating- they need space. How much space you ask? How long is a piece of string? 🤷🏽♀️ Take your energy of him & focus on yourself. I used to do the same thing but you make it worse when you keep texting etc, In their eyes you’re proving them right that it’s too much. So focus on yourself & he’ll come around when he’s ready. It also depends on how you’re trying to reach out as in what you’re saying.
What ended up working for me was a text along the lines of “I’m a little worried & confused but clearly you’re not open to communication. I hope you’re ok. When you’re ready to talk, you know how to find me or I’m only a phone call away or I’m here when you’re ready to talk” They won’t feel pressured, there’s no anger & it shows you’re allowing them the space they need. I’ve only ever had to send 3 messages like that in 2 years, the first he took 2 days to reply. The second 10 hours & the last time 4 hours & a phone call. After I’d send the text I’d go on about my day & keep myself busy, it helps.. just focus on you, he’ll come back..
This is sooo generalised as to be rendered unhelpful. DA here and my self-esteem is too high, resulting from high independence - I know I can do better, work harder, deserve better. I have never said "I don't deserve you". Where is the driver for the DA articulated here? Remember, a DA is looking for safety and security - the purpose of commitment is to achieve safety and security. Commitment for a DA is particular to them.
The high independence itself indicates low self esteem. High self esteem entails interdependence. Having others depending on you and you on them. That's how infinite growth and strength happens. Independence leads to dead ends eventually (prior avoidant)
Can you make a video about how a couple whom the one has anxious preoccupied attachment style and the other fearful avoidant attachment style can get along with each other?
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together. and if you need any kind of help he can help you....
**whatsAzpp him☝️☝***
what if im a DA but so is my ex a DA? im the only 1 who know this new knowledge
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together. and if you need any kind of help he can help you....
**whatsAzpp him☝️☝***
I feel like I’m a DA🥴.
Get help. Be free. Good luck!