END-OF-YEAR CHECK-IN 2020 | Hannah Louise Poston
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
- I appreciate you all so much for being here! This was tough to film and is tough to share, but so many of you have reached out with sweetness, openness and love over the years--you make it possible ♥️
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THANK YOU FOR WATCHING AND BEING WONDERFUL!
Can we all stop and think of how so many of us are now crying and feeling the feelings Hannah is talking about in all different parts of the world
i've typed, deleted, and retyped this comment a few times because i'm bad at talking about feelings- but i really just wanted a meaningful way to express my appreciation for your vulnerability, so instead i just opened a new tab and subscribed to your patreon. sending lots of love from chicago.
thank you so much
How about a year of grace? Being extra gentle with yourself through the grief of this year, celebrating the incredible strides you have made over the last few years, and enjoying your collections without stressing about personal expectations?
This is such a lovely idea!
Excellent idea for us all
Krystle Pyette love this idea!
What a good idea!
What a good idea. I think there’s a lot of mileage for all of us in this thought - identifying expectations, their sources, our feelings and our resulting choices.
a small & good thing: during this pandemic i adopted my first cat. i think he’s a little sadie mirror; a unbothered beautiful being that has saved me. holding him and you tightly. grateful for the content you create - it is no small thing to create in a world so set on destruction. all of my love.
edit: he is also a tabby who is quite literally looks like sadie
:)
I also got a cat during the pandemic! Animals can be so healing and kind.
This year.... my husband lost his job, his grandmother passed away, his uncle passed away, two of his close relatives found out they have terminal cancer... I didn’t get to be with my sister during her pregnancy or the first few months of my niece’s life.... This Christmas we can’t see my mother in law, for whom we normally provide a time of reprieve from living with her father with Alzheimer’s. If I stop to think about it all I could weep for a thousand Sunday’s.
Out of the perpetual gloom comes light. We have found out we will be welcoming a baby of our own next summer. It has brought hope to all of our loved ones and the pressure of that is great in weight but also great in that it’s a surmountable task for me.
I hope you find the light in your gloom as we have found ours and may it last until the fog has lifted 💜
congratulations!
I discovered your channel during early quarantine and it's been such a comfort to me. It was a time when I was becoming disenchanted with RUclips and all its materialism and drama. (Not to discount the generally overwhelming anxiety and trauma of 2020 that was also affecting me.) I so appreciate your content, your attitude, and your philosophy on this channel. You don't just indulge physically and materially in beauty, but also intellectually and emotionally. It's so much more enriching than just *owning* beautiful things, or looking at them. You've shown me how to truly experience and appreciate beautiful things, where they come from, and the purpose they fulfill in our lives. And I don't just mean the makeup and the clothes - I've really enjoyed reading your poetry online and learning about your little tango community as well. It's encouraged me to write more and create my own beautiful things this year, especially during the holidays.
It's so sad to hear a creator - RUclipsr, musician, artist, etc - reckon with public hate, so I hope this comment finds you and reminds you that there are people out here who love your channel and what you put out into the world. I'm 22 now and you're really an inspiration for me. I hope I can exude half as much passion and glamour as you when I'm your age. Thank you so much for this past year of content and I hope that 2021 will be better for you. In the meantime, I'm going to try to take extra good care of myself so I can be my most effective version of myself as I do my work in the world.
Wow, I could've written this myself (though not as eloquently 💗)! Truly couldn't agree more 💚
@@AmberOrtolano I only wrote and rewrote it like a dozen times
I'm 42, and I'm so glad 22yos like you are here with me
. Just because your losses this year are not the same as someone else's doesn't mean yours are any less significant. You have every right to feel sad, grief, even a little anger over what all has happened this year and what you continue to be deprived of bc of the pandemic. I hope things get better in the months ahead, but know that you have a whole community of people behind you. Also, remember to take your own advice and take care of yourself, especially in these crazy trying times we live in right now. *Hugs*
Well said!
"-Bastian: Why is it so dark?
-The Childlike Empress: In the beginning, it is always dark."
-The Neverending Story
Everything that you talked about just kept reminding me of "the nothing" from this story. I know that many of us are feeling so similarly to this and while it's hard seeing someone else's pain, it makes some things easier knowing that what I'm going through isn't abnormal. We're all in pain and hopefully we can find ways to help each other through.
My brother and I have been talking about this. My gray hairs have multiplied exponentially this year. I have two white eyelashes and one gray hair in my eyebrow. My chronic migraines and tension headaches have gotten worse, my anxiety has been worse. Trying to figure out what life will look like going forward has made it all worse. Their is collective trauma and grief and then there is the individual trauma and grief that we can’t quite describe or share. Those personal losses small and large that are uniquely ours.
I could’ve written this myself. Hugs to you ❤️ Take care of yourself.
How perfectly did your “year of less stuff” become the actual motto of 2020?? We all have so much less, in so many ways. I suppose we have so much more, in other ways, too. 💔❤️
Hannah, thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability as always. I’m so thankful for your channel particularly during this tremendous loss of 2020. Without intention of comparing loss, I lost my infant son in August. The important thing I think you need to know is how much your channel has been an outlet to me. Thank you for sharing so publicly about your own struggles with this year and I know for myself and certainly for those you are close to, you matter so much (and those presents are not pathetic, but such a bright spot on this awful year) Sending lots of love 💜
God, Emily, I can't even imagine the heartbreak. I'm so sorry. Sending you all, all, all the love
This made me cry. I can't imagine what you are going through. From one mom to another, my heart goes out to you. Sending you all the love and strength to carry this.
🤍🙏🏻
Love you, Hannah. Hope you, Joe, and Sadie find new ways to make merry this year. I think we will all look back in ten years singing "Auld Lang Syne" with big fat tears in our eyes as we think about all we lost during this crazy pandemic year, and as we reminisce on the ways we were profoundly changed (and, hopefully, bettered). My MIL gave me the best little phrase for 2020 without knowing she had done so. She told me early-on that I was "doing my part in the war effort," when it became clear that the nature of my job would not allow me to work from home. That little phrase has evoked British resolve, red lipstick, and rigid spines for me throughout the year in the best, most bolstering way. Having your business, your dreams, and your apartment pulled away from you is different, I know. But your ability to "Keep Calm and Carry On" throughout this year, as proverbial blasts have shaken your world, is admirable. Thinking of you this holiday.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried along to a RUclips video before. Thank you for sharing those feelings about the holiday, gift giving and family. I haven’t been able to articulate this to myself. You owe your story to no one, so thank you for what you were able and comfortable to share, it has made me feel a little less alone.
I can imagine the feeling to need to try living up, but honestly, I stumbled over this channel years ago. It wasn't the quality which made me looking forward to the videos, but the content and you being relatable.
So you are enough to make people want to watch videos. Don't put yourself through unnecessary stress.
I had high functioning depression for around 8 years and because I could still put on a face to meet the faces that you meet, it just got worse and worse until eventually I couldn’t put on a face. I just stopped. I was broken and it’s taken a lot of time to rediscover me. I am so sorry that you are feeling so wretched and I am so pleased and proud that you have had the bravery and the wisdom to acknowledge that putting on a brave face is not a sustainable solution. Take all the time and all the help you need and know you are beautiful person and a genuine inspiration x
Oh Hannah. I grieve for you. I grieve for all of us. Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability and willingness to share so the rest of us can apply your words to ourselves like bandages. It's been such a hard year, but please know your insights are deeply appreciated.
I love you Hannah ❤️ I think we all do ! I’ve had a tough time in different ways as well, my mom just got out of Covid, a kid in the next building jumped out of a window, my business got stuck for two months and I have a lot of debt, it all adds up, sometimes I feel extremely overwhelmed, and then I write what I’m grateful for and read some affirmations out loud, being empathetic is a hard thing. I’m thankful that my family does not celebrate Xmas because that would’ve been hardest. ❤️ feeling is great and awful ! I get it ! 🥰 happy for the good things that are happening to you and your channel ! Hold tight ✨
I feel the heaviness with you. Scanning through the comments, it seems your words have served as a collective moment of reflection. Thank you for all that you bring to this space. Wishing you and everyone ease/comfort as we move through this season.
My family doesn't celebrate Christmas, but I am home with them and have been for months due to the pandemic. Instead of spending my senior year of college with my chosen family, anxiously finishing graduate school applications in group writing sessions, dancing at our last college parties, and going to the Salsa club for the first time on the weekend because we're all 21, I've aged a thousand years at home, without school, without friends, surrounded solely by the tension of my family. A very small family. As in I'm an only child. The closest companions here are my cat and dog. I, too, am grateful for the roof over my head, healthy food, financial security, health, and also for you and the other internet presences that have kept me going. But knowing I'll never see many of my friends, classmates, and professors again? Wrapping gifts/sending them from online shops and addressing them to people I'd normally be able to gift in -person? Knowing we've hit six months since I saw my boyfriend and will likely not see him for another six or seven, if not more? Terrifying. These realities have been weighing on me more than any little joy I can squeeze out this Christmas morning. ❤️ I hear you, Hannah.
My Grandmother passed away tragically when I was 15 almost 16. She was only 57 and I was very close to her. I spent at least a week of my Christmas break at my grandparents every year. She died in February and my last major memories with her are from the Christmas before she died. I wrapped all her presents for her because I loved to do it. I cry every year when I wrap presents even 21 years later. Christmas makes me so sad still. It's just not the same without her. All this to say, I feel your sadness to my core. I'm so sorry that you aren't able to go home for Christmas to see your family.
Hannah I’m pretty sure I have watched every single video of yours this year (and almost every video that you have ever made actually). You have been a light in my life, especially this year. I am especially thankful for all of the videos that you have posted in December because I am also down in the dumps and watched your videos as relief from my life. Thank you for your honesty. It is such a complicated thing to feel grateful in certain ways right now and so sad in others and as always you do such a great job explaining the intricacies of it. You only made me cry once in this video so also thank you for that. I feel like I know you and wish I could give you a big hug.
hug received!
I’ve got tears in my eyes listening to you and also thinking about the grandfather clock in the hall poem by Robert Penn Warren with the way that memory and time can overlap so strangely and suddenly and so utterly painfully. And how hard it can be to grieve alternate realities of things ❤️
I feel like my favorite videos of yours are the ones like this where you work through your thoughts/feelings and say them out loud. I find that you verbalize really well the feelings that I'm not able to put words to yet. I say that to let you know that I love the quality of your videos without you necessarily having to work so hard on certain things that make you feel pressured. I have no idea if I said that in a way that makes sense, but the essence is that I just love hearing you talk, and I hope that is less pressure for you when you're making content for us. :-) Happy holidays, Hannah!
This year in my peer group, we have lost 4 fathers. Four heads of household, patriarchs and those rare gems -- caregivers to four strong daughters, have joined the ancestors. My own father turns 80 in a couple weeks...it's a lot. Everything is a lot, and I commend you on your internal work. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I learn so much from your work
Girl, same. The losses of this year are universal - no one is untouched. Nor is there any point in competing in the misery olympics - pain is pain, loss is loss, and only by acknowledging that can we deal with our grief for the large and small losses.
2020 has been so hard. Wishing us all love and light and power in 2021.
You are definitely not alone and compassion belongs to you for you as well (which I know you know). All things considered I have also been incredibly fortunate during this time but it doesn’t mean there isn’t grief, loss and massive upheaval - that all has to be mourned and processed for the bad and the good.
I would watch you no matter the quality because I come to your channel for you. Your heart and soul and vulnerability. You are what makes this great and I hope you can feel that when dealing with those who think that spewing hate will somehow magically fix their pain. You are appreciated. Thank you
It has indeed been a difficult year, I also consider myself incredibly fortunate, I live with my mom so I haven't had to worry about loosing my home or going hungry & I am trying to pay that forward wherever I can. BUT, that being said, we are all allowed to feel the weight of things being different, we are allowed to feel the grief of not being able to hug our loved ones, we are allowed to feel the sadness that this year has heaped upon ourselves & those our lives have touched. Feel wretched for as long as you need to. It is encouraging that even through all the crap, you are able to focus on filming & taking care of those in your bubble. Take your time, invest in yourself & give yourself grace. Sending you love & peace.
I contracted COVID from a patient a month ago and I’m now having heart complications resulting from it. I’ve been off work this entire time due to being physically unable to handle any amount of activity. I’m basically stuck sitting or lying because if I’m up I am tachycardic and short of breath. It’s frustrating because I feel like those around me think I’m just being lazy when I’m truly struggling.
Much love to you Hannah. The love your family will feel through your gifts will far outshine the negativity this world has going in it right now. Also, you’re allowed to mourn your losses and not feel guilty about it because you feel someone else’s problems are somehow greater than yours. From what you have shared, I can’t imagine going through those things. You’re a beautiful soul. keep pushing.
@haleigh cooper I am so sorry to hear how unwell you are. You said to Hannah “keep pushing” and I hope you do too.
I'm so sorry, Haleigh
Grief...Frost said it best .... “only way ‘round is through” 🧡 and remember the usual ways we move through is largely gone. I have lost 4 people and there is nowhere to place my sorrow so we find new ways...by feeling it
You are such an inspiration, Hannah. Sending many thanks for all you share with us in the good times and bad. It's life-changing 💕
Baby Barbie comparison gave me a much needed belly laugh. Feel sad over your sorrow and proud of your strength. You gave me the full gamet of emotions. I love your candor and commentary on the devastating cost of this year.
Hannah, I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Pisces deserve a lot of credit for carrying all the world’s emotional load ❤️
I feel this so deeply, right down to the frozen shoulder and injured wrists. I feel more validated now in feeling bewildered and overwhelmed by the wretched landscape of this shared trauma, and when I have my glass of whiskey while I wrap my presents, I’ll be cheersing to you. Take care Hannah, you’re a lovely one 💛
Oh, Hannah...there is so much truth in your words! I had a spinal tumor that was causing me to lose my balance and lower body control, and while I'm so grateful that the problem was found and solved by a surgery, it really knocked me off-track, and when I finally felt like I was making progress in PT and recovery - BAM - the pandemic, which sent me back down my own personal rabbit hole of depression.
Sorry for the long tale, but I'm finally resurfacing, but life isn't the same for any of us...we are all dealing with this overload of cortisol and worry.
Thanks so much for sharing...it really does help to share these feelings and needs, and I thank you for being one more voice that says, "I feel this way, too, and you're not crazy and you're not alone."
Hannah, you do not have to live up to the higher quality video that Joe has helped you create. The video quality is finally living up to the EXTREMELY high quality of your content.
I understand what you said about preparing a gift not feeling like enough or feeling sad. However, I’ve been thinking about how it will feel to be apart from loved ones and receive nothing from them versus a gift that was collected and prepared so lovingly. I think it would lift my spirits and bring a sense of closeness that someone special was thinking of me and doing what’s possible to connect. In hard moments, little gestures mean a lot more.
😭😭😭 I cried with you and for my own grief and losses this year. Sending you much love Hannah, you’re not alone in this 💕
So much love to you Hannah. I cried during the bit about the holidays! Same situation here with not seeing my family for the first time because of covid etc. It is heartbreaking. And we can't possibly know everything else you're going through but love for that too. Thanks for sharing yourself with us this year.
Girl you need a staycation!! ❤️
Your hair, 💋 and top all look simply beautiful 😍
You are such a lovely soul, please let go of everything you possibly can. We are on this journey together, and its a no judgment zone now ;) we are passing through not staying lol.......
You named exactly what I'm feeling right now. We have all lost things and missed out on life this year and all of our feelings are valid.
I feel sad because it's the second holiday season in a row with no normalcy. My daughter was born 12 weeks premature in September 2019 and spend her first 5 months of life on the hospital. She was not home for Christmas last year and it was awful. She got home right before the pandemic. I'm elated to have her home this year, but the grief now is no one getting to see our baby. She will be running around and talking before most of our friends had family can see her and hold her. There is not much to do outside of feeling our feelings and taking care of ourselves as best we can right now
love how eruditely you speak about consumerism vs beauty always. Sending all the best types of festive wishes! You have helped me dwelve deeper into my consumption vs joy habits. Watching your channel over the years feels like reading a book that SHAKES the nuance of your world view xxx
I am sending you my warmest thoughts and most positive energy. I understand the amalgamation of thoughts and feelings that can easily overwhelm us when allowing the recap of this year of dystopia into our minds. My beloved mother died on May 10th of this year (Mothers' Day, in a twisted kind of irony) and, although she was admitted to hospital with kidney issues, she died from COVID. The deep grief, sadness, anger and some feelings I have yet to identify can be paralyzing at times. This first Christmas without her will be exceedingly difficult. It has been made more difficult because of my decision to stay home, alone, in Ohio, instead of traveling to my family in New Jersey as I normally would. My brother-in-law is fighting cancer like a boss. I am neither going to risk his recovery nor the rest of my family's health by introducing my Ohio germs. It's a lot and I hear it all coming from you as well. There is so much happening but. also from you, I hear strength, your intention of moving through this the best way you can, accepting this chaos, while healing. You've given me a lot to think about and I thank you for being brave enough to share what is deep in your soul right now. (sorry about the length - apparently I needed to get that out)
I've noticed this year that every time I try to do some modified version of things that normally bring me a lot of joy it ends up backfiring. It's been the most stark every time I try to do a socially distanced hang out with friends. Every time we laugh I can only think about the level of danger rising. The only way I've found to combat it is to try to do things that don't feel like compromised half versions of things I love. I'm lucky to live with my mom and we've decided that we're just not doing Christmas at all this year, instead we'll have what would traditionally be our Christmas dinner on New Year's Eve and exchanging presents whenever one of us seems like they might be having a difficult day. Hopefully that'll be able to trick my brain into just experiencing the enjoyment of the holiday without the huge sense of loss. Which maybe is not honoring my feelings in the most honest way, but there's been so much grief already this year that avoidance is all that seems bearable right now.
you are on my wavelength. I've only seen two friends this year socially and I acted like the hypochondriac in the yard, not even the room. I wouldn't hug my friend and it was all she wanted. I was sanitizing, wiping things down, wouldn't use their bathroom. my mom visited my partner and I once this year and her inability to follow our protocol sent me spiraling. she's elderly, had caught Covid in the first wave [we all live in NY], and is suffering the long haul symptoms continually. I guess the antibodies gave her a sense of confidence that we don't have. now that the country is in chaos my family decided not to do Thanksgiving or Christmas. My Uncle, who essentially raised me, is 84 and Christmas is our holiday. I love him and I haven't gotten to see him all year and I just wanted Christmas but my Mom pulled rank as the "Covid Surviver" in the family, which I contended with emotionally as well. it all seemed hypocritical and unfair but I have to understand that it literally is not about me at all. I just miss my family and I miss all my Uncle's friends' Christmas cards tacked up and the fake snow and the wreaths and the egg nog and the weird smorgasbord of treats because we all eat very different foods. so we're not doing presents because my partner and I lost our jobs and my family doesn't want us to spend any money on them, and I've not watched/listened to anything seasonal. I haven't been in the snow, which I love, because I don't want to break down and cry outside. Avoidance isn't fun, and probably not healthy, but I have already fallen apart several times this year and I'm just trying to get through the final push. I also apologize for relating to you by writing you a novel about myself, but I wanted to let you know that if you are feeling unconfident about yr handling of this holiday season, you are not the only one. We've all been gaslit over and over but the reality is, this is almost over. things will be getting better next year. stay strong. I'll do one holiday thing and think of you and know that someone out there sincerely wishes you the best holiday you can possibly have.
Hannah- I am so sorry to hear how difficult this year has been for you and I really appreciate what your content has meant to me over time, especially that I understand how challenging things are behind the scenes.
The only thing I would say is that this situation is temporary- it really is. That doesn’t bring our loved ones we lost back or indeed our old lives either. But this isn’t going to last forever and I firmly believe that it will end, soon and when enough time passes we will all look back and see the gifts this terrible, testing time has given us.
See you at the free meditation. X
I hear you Hannah. I ran out of tears when we reached eight impacted family members...and then the loss of my parents hit...and then 10 more hit. All in a miserable five month period.
Not all had/have covid-19, but I haven't been able to see or help or directly support any of them. Only ten survived.
I has to significantly lower and adjust my expectations for the year.
*sigh, the strange privacy of the internet for a nobody.
I'm so sorry, Jessica
this is the first time in my existence of 37 yrs that I haven't seen my parents for more than a yr. we're Iranian-American. COVID-19 hit Iran early on n so horribly. and the US' sanctions are killing more ppl cz they can't get Rx into the country. what we're doing to overselves and to the world is psychopathic and heartbreaking 💔 ❤
😭😭😭 aw Hannah I just finished watching this and had a little cry. Hang in there gal! Thank you for sharing!
I need to say this: I feel safe here. I love watching you because is real. This video is real, your feelings are real. Thank you for the effort and thank you for being on this platform. You're necessarie. ♥️
One of the most useful thought technologies for me has been the idea that the opposite of happiness isn't sadness, it's actually anxiety. I hope get time to fully feel all your feelings about this year.
Thank you for sharing hard stuff with us, and for taking care of yourself by sticking to your boundaries.
You are the one who single handedly built this channel. There is NO need to stress about living up to any technical standards. Those of us who’ve been here from the start will be here no matter your equipment set up. I still remember your very very first video!
Your message and voice is powerful. I believe you are doing more good then you will ever know.
Thank you for speaking so thoughtfully about the kinds of loss in 2020. I too have felt pain and then guilty for that pain because I’m also so lucky. I’m an NP and it’s felt so dehumanizing to be stripped of all of the extracurricular things that defined my identity. I feel reduced to a warm body tasked with taking care of the often ungrateful public. I guess my point is to say.. samesies and to send you some love vibes.
Oh Hannah :( I feel you so hard, usually my mom and sister come for Christmas and my mom can’t come and I won’t lie, I’m sad about it but trying to not feel sad about it. I can’t stop listening to Phoebe Bridgers’ cover of “If We Make It Through December” over and over and let those feelings pass over and through. I appreciate your presence here and you holding space for yourself and subsequently holding space for me and everyone else who follows your work.
totes going to listen to that now :) Thank you Alex
thank you so much for sharing this with us. i'm a bit of a lurker but i watch allll of your content and it has really soothed me and been great company while i have been working from home. everyone has been hit hard by this year, i hope 2021 gives you a bit of breathing room and comfort to recuperate and be kind to yourself
The losses of this year are so staggering that it feels safer to keep them in a box with the cover securely on. It takes a lot of bravery to open that box and unpack even some of the contents.
I didnt know how to respond to this to let you know that not only are you are loved by and that you matter to your immediate circle, but also to us as subscribers, and I'm so upset because it was there staring at me for the longest time and I just didn't see it!!! But here I go: "I hope that you're remembering to take extra good care of yourself so that you can be the most effective version of yourself as you do your work in the world". Not that I'm your work and that you're doing this for me, but I absolutely enjoy seeing your videos and listening to what you have to say, you're intelligent and quirky and so uniquely yourself and its a pleasure and a privilege to feel like you're taking time out of your day for this, and it breaks my heart to hear that you're struggling because I'm here on the other side of the world feeling so grateful for you and helpless at the same time because I wish I could soothe you in any way but this seems to be all I can do! I'll leave you with a movie recommendation in hopes that if you do choose to watch it, that it'll put a smile on your face and make you feel warm on the inside, and that movie is The Cider House Rules, it has nothing to do with your feelings or what we're going through but its so heartwarming and touching and always leaves me feeling like everything will be okay, and that losing something sometimes allows for new experiences to form and possibly new opportunities too. Earlier in probably November or so there was quite the fire near where I live, and it destroyed so much obviously, but there are some plants and trees that cant grow without a fire disrupting the soil, maybe this is what this year is doing, I hope that life post this pandemic will be greater than life as we knew it, and maybe it will because now we might have better appreciation for it. anyway, take care, and please check your IG inbox if you havent because I've been trying to send you this thing and now more than ever I'd love to do that if you'd like it!
I'm so sorry you are feeling wretched! I really appreciate your candor & vulnerability during such a challenging time! Your productivity is in the midst of so many crises is inspiring! Wishing you a peaceful & lovely holiday season!
All of your feelings are valid. Thank you for modelling vulnerability and the courage it takes to be authentic in public - the impact of this on my own life is a thing I don't think I can even measure, and I'm certain I'm not alone in feeling this way.
I can't imagine how tough it must be for you and others like you who have always made it home to family for the festive season. My own experience is so different: with family split across multiple continents for my whole life, Christmas (or Persian Yaldaa - our winter solstice festival) has always been something of a jumble; I've often spent it alone, sometimes working, sometimes celebrating it and sometimes not, and frequently spent it with only one or two members of my family. Yet even I have felt pangs of confusion and sorrow around this period. I think there's something very powerful about the year coming to a close and causing us to face everything we've been through.
Regarding your investment in the channel and anxiety about living up to it, I think this is such an understandable thing to feel, but please know that you already are.
Thank you again for everything you do on this platform - video essays, aesthetic wanderings, guerilla haircuts, joyful absurdism, all of it. Sending you so much love and strength, and the hope that your family as well as your newly forged alternative family unit are able find as much warmth and delight in the odd details of this particular festive season as possible.
Also, your hair. looks. spectacular.
thank you, dear Isabelle!
Hannah -
I keep thinking of you and this video. And in my own resourcing and support this year the ones closest to me have encouraged me to step a bit more away from my "internal problem solving/personal development/emotional dissecting/sitting/exploration" time and replace that with books that I love, things that bring me a spring in my step, movies that are my favorite, make-up play time, and/or meditate on how someone who loves me sees me. This is all to put the breaks on my seemingly almost eternal draw to self improve and constantly attend to my problems. This is not to say that that isn't a good or worthy thing to do, but moreover, with all that is going on right now (your personal reality of affairs, the pandemic, and for others so many others things like housing disruption, relationships crumbling, financial instability), perhaps we should attend such matters when we are a bit more resourced. I am scared for you when I think about you breaking down your thick walls to some of the more negative comments on youtube. For me, I am taking heed to their advice to ensure my capacity to dive deep is intact for when things in my physical and emotional life are more settled.
I wish you the most peace right now, Hannah. I know this isn't written well or correctly at all, but I just needed to get this to you asap because you are trying so hard - I can tell and you get to explore make-up rawly and honestly with play while at the same time are up against some real shitty societal criticism. HOW In this day and age are a women who love stylized femininity and beautiful things still getting a lot of hate?~!&#~(!#&~(!$&#?!!?
I want to be there to offer support to you because I truly love your content and want you to be well to help, even in a small way to sustain you, this project, and channel for far on into the future! I am following your future career with great interest! Take the load OFFFFFFF
Love you internet, pal~!*
Hannah, we’ve all lost so much this year and so we share this sadness; sometimes the still point in the turning world is just so painful. I recently got sober, and my hard emotions this year feel like huge waves. Instead of getting washed away by alcohol I have to let them rush through me. Ways of handling it-identifying and sitting with emotions-then turning away if it becomes too much to self soothe, radically accept and distract act as anchors. You’re right, there is only through and I am always working to believe that the other side is one in which we are wiser, stronger, kind and compassionate. Xx
congrats on getting sober, that is amazing! You are amazing
Thank you Hannah this is the first time I have allowed myself to feel with you and sob uncontrollably and grieve all that has happened this year I read all your comments and felt like we were an intimate group with a glass of wine finally allowing us for a brief few moments to just let go ♥️♥️
As you study compassion you will be able to feel compassion for the haters and their comments will no longer touch you. I truly wish that for you. You are such a beautiful soul.
Hannah i understand, these last two weeks i just cracked and fell apart, recognising similarly to u how many goals and dreams i didnt get to achieve in 2020, and the overall stress that comes with 2020. I am a lot more lucky than others that i do have a roof over my head and food, and my loved ones r healthy, but i havent had this much of an urge to cry my whole life, and i am a cryer. Virtual hugs 💜💜💜 may 2021 b an easier year for the world
the end of this year has been particularly wretched for me, as well. this should have been the end of my first semester at college (which would've been a year early) on a full ride that includes a job as a research assistant to a professor in whatever field I want. I should be living in a progressive community where I can be as unabashedly gay as I am and living in this dorm that I've been dreaming of since I heard of it (it's basically a hippie commune masquerading as a college dorm). instead, I dropped the one class I was taking this semester and am currently unemployed, not working on education, and spending all my time trying to cope with my crippling misery. not to mention a non-covid life event, which is being diagnosed with hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome, trying to cope with my crippling chronic joint pain (as a FUCKING 17 YEAR OLD), and I just broke up with my girlfriend because I discovered that she was a closeted ableist 🥲
sorry for this miserable depressing rant, that's not even all of the different shitty things I'm going through right now. I can't seem to say anything not depressing right now.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I know that that statement is never enough and there's never enough that I could do but I honestly hope that you're able to find something (no matter how large or small) that can bring you joy. ❤
I'm sorry that so much has been delayed! But I suspect that literal tons of fierce joy are coming for you, just around the corner
I'm so sorry for what you are going through... I'd mindfully direct you to Jessica Kellgren-Fozard 's channel... She makes video's about disablility amongst other things and there are some about studying and having a chronic disease/disablility. (She's also very vintage in style and very much married to a woman so it's a lot more than that!). But you might find some help and at least some understanding for what you are going through...
I'd like to offer a small counter point, at least around the EDS diagnosis. I was diagnosed a few years ago at 34. So much damage has already been done to my joints that just can't be repaired. You've found out so much sooner and I hope will be grateful for learning what you can and shouldn't do to prevent future disability. In no way do I want to diminish your fears and worries at this diagnosis! Like I said, I've had 4 years to process what will end up being a rollercoaster of trial and error and pain and learning. My advice is to learn everything you can, find doctors you can trust, and be your loudest supporter of what you know your body needs. Listen to it. Focus on it. And make your needs known. EDS is the weirdest thing I've ever experienced, and it can literally affect everything your body does.
Okay rant over! I really just wanted to offer support on something I've had to become an avid student of. It can be overwhelming at first (and 4 years later when your digestive system stops working), but you don't have to be overwhelmed alone.
@@auntrori I'm glad I was diagnosed but unfortunately, I've been having really severe joint pain for years. There are days when I need to use public wheelchairs. thank you for the love and support ❤️
The farther I get into this video, the more what you are saying hits so deep in a way nothing else has. Overall I’ve been incredibly lucky, but COVID took away what could have been an incredible relationship. It was the first time someone gave me butterflies in years & COVID has taken any opportunity to be together away from us. We are still hanging on & talking, but March 3rd will be a year & I have nothing much to show for it except the fleeting hope that it will be alright. That if we are meant to be we will both work & make it happen, & that if it isn’t than we won’t. I have just been so alone for years, I thought this year might have been different. I’m grieving a love that is starting to feel like I’m just not meant to have, that maybe I don’t have a person.
keep trying! Love will find a way!
Hannah, i know this is 2yrs ago but your video is so incredibly touching. I do feel when you used the word pathetic, you were being so hard on yourself. The pandemic wasn’t the only thing, but the way it was being handled by the “government” and the nature of that government to me was even more devastating. The ramifications are still lurking as as we speak
And since that time many wonderful things have happened to you. You have been very inspiring to me over the many months now that I’ve been watching your channel and I think I’ve said this to you before, I don’t watch it for the clothes and the make up although I love all that too, I watch it because of who you are
I look forward to your videos you’re just a lovely person, so bright and talented.
I do have to say though that those times not only disrupted my life then, (I lost my last job) the collateral damage continues to deplete and haunt me. I live with a dark cloud hanging over me on a daily basis trying to figure out month by month how I’m going to make it because at my age I’m 74 (and I’m just as good at my trade as I was when I lost my job), but ageism is prevalent you could never prove it, and I cannot get hired
I have been helped by a number of government agencies through the pandemic and now on some social welfare but it’s not indefinite it’s going to end, and I’m barely making it at the end of every month with that help.
I have to worry about food at the end of the month
in the last year I’ve been getting ready to declare bankruptcy and I might lose my car as a result which you know living in Los Angeles you can’t be without a car. I bought it when I was working and had no idea that things would come crashing down around my head so the car note and insurance and gas is just a fright.
so you’ve never been alone, I can really feel your pain in that video because I’m still living it. I have not been able to recover or recoup.
I have to have knee replacement soon within the next few months. I am grateful for the housing I have the food that I do have and the fact that I have health insurance but in the end I worry night and day and day and night. i’m sorry to dump on you. there’s really no one I can talk to about this
Isn’t it funny everyone I know all my friends and family are all financially stable for one reason or another go figure. Forgive me.
Dearest Hannah, first and foremost sending you so much love, this year has a been a cyclone for us all and I know I personally have been living at a base level of stress (I've also sprouted many a grey hair) that in any other year I wouldn't think possible. This year feels like I have lived five years in one. I'm incredibly lucky in many ways, my family is healthy, my friends are healthy, I've got food and shelter, but the way you spoke of the loss of what this year could have been really speaks to me. I've got more thoughts on the matter but I don't want to waffle on too much, and mostly just wanting to say I'm holding you and the whole Poston clan (+Joe/Julia/Oliver) in the light this holiday season.
Mz. When you speak you speak for thousands upon thousands your life’s trials are many’s trials you give understanding for those who can not express themselves so clearly and therefor give tremendous comfort. Thank You Ms.Hannah for your insight ,Compassion and Love.
You are doing great girl, couldn’t be more proud of you 👍
Yelling into a hurricane. Yes, I feel this with every fiber of my being. It makes me feel so small and useless and everything I do so meaningless when so limited in what I can do to show my love. I relate so much how all of these routines I have set to help me get through this holiday season just remind more of the helplessness I feel. Sending lots of love your way. You're not alone feeling this way. *hugs*
Sending you love and light, thank you for taking the time to make these videos I appreciate your time and effort.
The phrase “forfeiture of expectations” will stay with me. It comes in waves that are completely unpredictable. Thank you for expressing what all these losses can sometimes mean. Some parts of the day are harder than others and your observations are helpful as we all struggle in this journey.
I am about to come back to the US for the first time in a year. I have been stationed in Korea since November of last year, so I was HERE for the entire outbreak, the riots, the death, the chaos, etc. I fly back on 4 January and ALL I CAN THINK is that part in the Cloverfield Paradox where her husband is screaming "You're having her come back to these things? There IS a choice, TELL THEM NOT TO COME BACK, TELL THEM NOT TO COME BACK!" just over and over and fucking over in my head because I know as soon as I come back it won't be updates by text anymore, I'm going to be IN IT, and it is WORSE than any warzone I've been to because it is fucking invisible and everywhere and honestly if the US had a zombie outbreak we'd all just be fucking screwed.
feeling with you. and totally respect that you're not going to continue sharing such challenging feelings in real-time.
We will collectively get through this. Thank you for sharing this painful check in. I feel like this year has been a colossal ominous fog of the worst kinds of things and sadly it is becoming normal. I am afraid that we will lose our memory of how freely we used to move through the world and all the simple joys that gave us (on top of being robbed of reunions).
Oh Hannah - I just adore you! You are honest, kind, genuine, empathetic and talented. It has been a joy watching your content over the last couple of years. I am excited to see what you create moving forward!
First and foremost, I am so sorry this year has kicked the stuffing out of you. I have been watching your videos since the no buy days and have found your content intelligent, enjoyable and creative.
After seeing this video I went back for some vintage Hannah and watched your ‘my beautiful friend’ series (so good). You talked so confidently about what made you happy (10 mins from the end of the second video I think). I’ve been using the question you asked your friends, based on your sign off for every video, to help make more out of next year: basically, what is your work in the world? Your love of having a project and the energy that generates is so inspiring.
Secondly, I have the Liberty Faber poetry diary for next year and don’t love a bunch of the poems, so I’m going to replace the ones I don’t like with ones I do! I would have preferred a HLP diary!!
Hi Hannah, I am usually a silent subscriber, but I decided to put my nerves aside and comment to show my solidarity and support. I’ve been subscribed since your no-buy, and I hope you know I love you and your content. I, too, have felt absolutely sad and dismal this year, especially now this holiday season. Reflecting on the weird holiday traditions my family created saddens me. Partly because things won't be the same, but mainly because of COVID; I feel all of the progress we made as a family has gone down the drain. My mom and brother have suffered a lot mentally due to the pandemic, and their relationship is even more strained. Before COVID hit, I felt my family had made some strides at becoming ’better.’ But now I can see that the sadness and loneliness they are feeling has hurt their abilities to communicate, which, in turn, has broken their abilities to mend their relationship.
On a more personal note, I find myself struggling to cope with my emotions associated with this insurmountable loss experienced by us, as a whole. It's difficult to see my family suffering, but it’s even more difficult to see the whole world suffering. I am crying WAY more than usual, and I find that I am doubting myself and the path I’ve chosen so often that I feel like an imposter! I’m a pre-nursing student, and this coming January, I take my entrance exam to my school’s program. I hate that I doubt myself because I know this is what I want to do - and I know I can do it, but I feel like, for the entirety of this year, I have been stuck in a cycle repeating the same day over and over again - with no proof that I have made any strides, whatsoever. I feel dull and unmotivated at times because I guess it's frustrating to feel like you’re stuck in between chapters of your life.
I know that my issues are not as severe as others and that I am privileged to have the ones I love still with me, but I hope sharing how I am feeling helps make others feel a little less lonely. :)
thank you so much, Anna! I really appreciate this comment
Bless you for sharing your thoughts. I let out a nice cry 😭. Wishing you a little peace and rest during this holiday ❤️
2020 has been hard for me in a weird way. AJ and I put to action several large goals that have been in motion for the length of our marriage. We moved and got a new (to us) car. We're very blessed to have been able to keep our jobs, but it's been wretched in its own way. I'm in medical publications and we were busier this year than ever before and without being able to share physical space with coworkers who can sympathize. AJ's band's tour was cancelled and his recording studio business has significantly slowed (in a year he was going to leave his day job to do the thing full time). We've been blessed but at the same time it is difficult to mourn the things we don't have this year, especially feeling like our worries are not good enough worries to worry about.
I completely agree that these feelings are important. The processing of this transformative event will take us all a long time. I am pleased that you're normalising that processing.
As rough as 2020 has been, I at least get to look at my dog and tell myself that he hasn't had to be alone or in his crate since March.
Hannah, I work in Health Care so we knew pretty early on we wouldn't be able to see our loved ones for Christmas so I've had awhile to deal with it.
My co workers and I help eachother out when someone is having a bad day by reminding them, "it's one so you can have the rest."
We are used to missing holidays because of our line of work, but work is a second family. So, those of us who actually have Christmas off this year are really feeling it.
❤ sending love.
The Bells of Dublin has always been my favorite holiday album too. Please don't think of your own shoes as too big to fill
I watched Les Mis for the first time in years yesterday, in the hopes of getting a good cry out of it. I am way overdue for an unlocking of my feelings, but I wasn’t able to cry. I’m just waiting for it to happen, and I hope that I can keep it together for my family - because it’s not like they can give me a hug to comfort me anyway. It sucks so much.
I’m sorry for all of our losses, no matter what it means.
Grief and pain shared is grief and pain halved. Or at least lessened. Your vulnerability helps us all process all our losses. And everyone's losses and grief are valid and important, regardless of how lucky or unlucky we are, how much we have, etc. XO
I understand the emotions. This year is the most mentally and physically unhealthy year I have had. For several
months, I was the most depressed I’ve been in my short life and am still digging myself out of the hole. Perspective and acknowledging my feelings has really helped. We are all struggling in different ways right now, and we all deserve grace. 💕💕
This year has been so tough on everyone! From having my thyroid cancer treatments postponed when Covid first started, to then hurting my back and having back surgery 6 weeks ago, this year has been so rough. Don’t even get me started on online learning for my 1st grader and missing so much therapy for my autistic 4 yr old. Was really hoping things would be looking up for 2021 but seems it won’t for a a while longer. I guess we have to try to find a new normal in all of this. Sending love your way. Hope you have a great Christmas. So many of us won’t be with family this year for the holidays but hopefully facetimes and zoom calls will help us not feel so lonely 🎄
I'm just so proud of you & I wish you all the best 💥💖💥
Big virtual hugs. It's a lot to carry.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us these past few years, but especially this year. You inspire me to take better care of myself and forge deeper relationships with my loved ones. Thank you, Hannah ❤️
Whatever it is Hannah, we can all rebuild. Maybe not all of it. Maybe not the same. But we will all rebuild in our lives. And i get it, this year has also been very tough on us here in different ways than yours. Every day i just hope everyone i love will get through it. And then we rebuild what we can. I’m not sure where life will take me next.. and i’m not particularly excited to find out. I hate having my routine broken (and that’s such an understatement for what is happening). But we have to keep going.
I need to confess i did turn to shopping for a few things. Like upgrades mostly, replacements for things i use every day. I still want, like you, less stuff but simultaneously i find some joy in having nicer versions of things I already had to use. I’ve been selling a lot of things and it’s keeping me busy too. I spend differently than i used to. And i’m glad that that change is there. But right now i need to seriously enjoy everything i did replace. Because it helps with all the other crap that’s going on.
Sorry to hear how low you've been. I couldn't imagine having to deal with the online hate people with a large following will inevitably attract. It's probably the defining reason I couldn't start a proper youtube channel and put myself out there but it shouldn't be that way. Don't let people dull your sparkle. I think ultimately people who take the time out of their day to write mean or petty things about people are fundamentally not happy people. If you live a bright and full life that isn't how you spend your time. It just isn't and really that's quite sad. When you think of it like that it's easier to have compassion for people who spend their time in a bitter little obsessive grief hole, lashing out and hoping to drag people down into it with them. At the end of the day you're doing your thing and there's 30k+ people who care about what you have to say - there are people like me who will refresh youtube hoping that you've uploaded your vlogmas early aha (I dread the end of the daily videos!). I know it's hard to push the critique aside - really I doubt I could. But be kind to yourself too if you can. It puts in mind a Dita quote: 'You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches'. Love to you!
I've seen the start of your channel and I feel like you've grown and changed. I'm guessing that some of the hate you get is people that cannot accept that you have. You can feel sad it's legitimate, but these people have no right demanding anything from you. You must put out the content you want to do, not what is expected of you. Your evolution literally is what kept your channel fresh and interesting. To quote a certain someone, I'm following this channel's career with great interest! Hope 2021 is kinder to you, and well, to people in general. Happy holidays dear Hannah xoxox
Secondly, I love the video quality and lighting and upgrades! However, do what you need to do to make it through this time. Don't feel pressured to present the happy, smiling face for us if that's not possible. This check-in was also needed. ❤
Thank you so much for all of your insight on the wretchedness of right now. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the idea of “feeling one’s feelings”. It’s something we’re recommended to do by every mental health-y Instagram post, every guided meditation, etc. I totally believe that repression of our uncomfortable feelings makes us sicker, but at the same time I’ve found myself unable to control when and how I feel my feelings as this year has unfolded.
When the shit started to hit the fan in March, I was hyper-aware of my emotional reactions. I continuously reminded myself that it was okay to feel grief, sadness, loss, fear, and furthermore that I should feel those things. But, I felt numb. I’ve felt numb on and off throughout the duration of the year. Looking back, this has been true in a lot of the tragic scenarios I’ve found myself in over the course of my life so far - when the tragedy comes, I go numb and snap into survival mode. Then, when the threat has passed, or at least abated, I often find that a smaller, less existential tragedy triggers a huge onslaught of the emotions I didn’t experience in the moment.
E.g: yesterday I noticed I got my first spider veins on my legs and I burst into tears. Like, wailing crying. I’m not particularly afraid of aging, not do spider veins upset me aesthetically. It took me a while to realize it, but I was crying over so much more than the veins.
My initial reaction to that was shame - I felt ashamed that I hadn’t felt my feelings enough during the year, so they were coming out in this weird, transposed way. As someone who is trying to be healthy and attuned to myself, that felt like a failure.
But the more I think about it, I feel like maybe it’s really important that we experience these emotions when we have the stillness and space to feel them. Maybe it’s important that we go into survival mode when things are taken away from us so that we can continue to do our work in the world despite the loss. Our feelings take a back seat so we can “survive,” and then crawl out of the shadows when it feels safe to do so.
Apologies for the ramble - all of this to say to anyone who needs to hear it, if you’re trying to feel the feelings and they just aren’t coming out yet, or if you’re feeling the feelings and they seem to be brought on by something much smaller than the root cause of your sadness, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I’d love to hear anyone else’s thoughts on this complex and often frustrating topic! Love to you all 🖤
That happens to me too! When something bad happens, like quarantine, I put my armor on and I'm able to navigate the situation calmly. Im confident, I feel like I know what to do... But when things settle down and the worst has passed is when I start feeling some burnout, sadness, whatever emotions... I think this behavior is highly adaptive and really useful and Im grateful to react this way. The only thing I need is to remember to take care of myself trough meditation, exercise, hot showers... Whatever I feel like I need
I'm so grateful for your openness. All the Covid adapted Christmas ads make me feel like it's my fault for feeling bad and not a consequence of the situation.
thank you Hannah. it's just as you gave me permission to cry. I haven't felt entitled to it in all these months since as you I haven't lost any love one to Covid and that makes me a very fortunate person. But a certainly needed a good cry today.
Every year, I go with my family to see Christmas light in the neighborhood and walk around and this year we did it by car and listened to Christmas music. I started crying because I love Christmas but this year’s has really made me really sad and not the same. I have found myself more sad and crying more. I think everything has caught up with me. I think my mind is trying to clean up these feelings before the end of the year.