It hurts that when I (a nine) finally started to set boundaries and assert (even gently) what I wanted in my life, many of my close relationships (including my husband of 17 years) felt very upset, sometimes angry, by it. What’s ironic is that they were the very people who told me I needed to do this in the first place. It’s difficult to grow when you’ve merged with others so long that others don’t want to know you any other way.
@@twlahue I wondered if after people have come out from under abuse their true personality shows?Are they usually a variation of a 9 or simply another personality altogether?
ᴀsᴛʀᴀᴇᴀ I hear you! It sounds like you have some family members who have some toxic/abusive patterns. In your less healthy 9ness of wanting to play the role of stabilizer/keeping the peace at all cost, you may have enabled them to remain unhealthy, too. When you began to set boundaries that upset the equilibrium and they don’t like it! They want things to stay the way they have been and you are no longer playing your expected role. I have been there, and I applaud you for getting healthier and standing your ground! Stay strong! Love and prayers, L
My type 8 mother always told me to be strong. Stop being a doormat has made me a stronger person in the face of people who wants to control me. It is worth it to me not being a doormat anymore and live in freedom not fear of separation and loss. It takes time to grow, adjust and getting used to being your own advocate. It gets easier over time!
I took the longer Enneagram test (the paid version) and was assigned 4. But I took other tests and was assigned 9(SX). 4(SX) and 9(SX) both have aspects that strongly resonate with me. The one big difference is I'm super in touch with my emotions, but I hate having to sit with them. Most 4's love sitting with their heavy feelings.
You made my jaw drop, offended me, then made me laugh in surprise, then got my defences up, then made me cry and finally, you made me feel deeply understood and seen. My goodness, the truth is painful! But thank you, thank you for shedding light.
I'm 9w1 SP. I rarely feel anger. In watching this video, I realized I feel anger when people treat me unfairly or when they refuse to try and see my perspective. I see everyone's perspective, so when they refuse to do that for me, I feel angry and hurt.
I’ve been watching for a while (and on my Enneagram journey for much longer), and I can honestly say this is the best Enneagram content out there right now.
in your opinion which skilled trade is more suitable for istp mechanic or electrician ... give the logical answer based on the function of the ISTP ..?
I am a Self-Preservation 9. I really related to what you said about "Putting off the really important thing to do in order to do my routine". I have always wondered why I do that? I usually wait until my anxiety level is so high that then I will finally start working on it.
yeah, same here! Those big things to do seem like they'll be so difficult, and take forever, so why do it?or maybe the thought is I should get these ducks in a row before trying to tackle such a "big" important task.
Definitely a sexual 9, it makes sense why I can only be aware of myself with someone around. I switch personalities so much I have trouble keeping up. Everyone I talk to has a personality they bring out in me and I never realize it's happening until we separate
Think I'm predominantly a self-preservation 9 at this stage in my life, although parts of the other descriptions also resonate strongly with me, especially the social. I do wonder - why to we 9s seem to be such experts at self-sabotage? Especially the self-pres; we fear separation, yet we run away from connection, preferring distraction. Seems like we don't really believe that we're important enough for really deep, vulnerable relationships, or we're afraid that if we really let anyone look that deep then no-one will like what they see - least of all ourselves - so we settle for the 'next best thing': surface-level friendships, creature comforts, smoothing over, keeping people happy, keeping things peaceful. Maybe we run away from what we want because we don't WANT to want anything. If you admit to wanting something, you either have to work towards it or consciously give it up, which also takes work. If you live in denial if the fact that you HAVE real desires and dreams, you can drift along the path of least resistance.
WOW. Are you me? I literally just came to this realization today and its scary af but also empowering. The pain of regret weighs tons while the pain of discipline weighs ounces. As much as I want an easy life, I dont want to wake up at 60 and not have it mean anything. I hope you and I both have the courage to change our life :)
A.A. I think you nailed it. We keep things on the surface because we're afraid of letting ourselves or other people in too deep because of what we might find there. And we somehow are experts at not wanting things, because wanting things by default requires some type of action or movement, and when I picture myself taking purposeful action I imagine myself moving into the stream of life and disrupting it... I'm imagining myself sort of jostling other people and pissing them off and the anxiety that thought provokes. It's like I made a decision that it's easier just to self forget or numb myself than piss off the world. And that makes me feel pathetic and contributes to depression. 9w8, SX
I’m a sexual 9 and I think there’s a reason why I like the enneagram so much. I like to point to someone else’s description and say “that fits me” cause I can’t find it on my own. Also, I relate a lot to the “merging” aspect.
I am crying over here. Just discovered the enneagram about 2 years ago right after my sister took her own life. When you got to the sexual 9 I just burst into tears. My sister to a T. As a child she would be a little sneaky but then burst into tears and admit her sneakiness to my mom or myself because she didn’t want us to be upset with her. She was a beautiful, artistic soul that could unfortunately attract some manipulators in her life. Thank you for the healing this video has brought me today.
I’m a sp 9w1. Ironically, I sometimes use analysing the enneagram as my distraction ‘puzzle’. Trying to type other people using it etc. Thanks for your assistance in my self-awareness/self-improvement journey.
As a 9w1 sx who thought I was a 4 for a long time I legit cried in anger when you described the sexual 9 like why would you truth bomb me like that????
Thank you so much for this video. It really touched me. I'm a so9, and that feeling of never really belonging.. yep. Sad but true. "It's okay for people to separate from you, but you must not separate from you." That's powerful. I'll definitely write that down. ❤
When you've gone through 2 years of therapy, to realize that you're so apathetic to the world because you're used to relying on other people for your emotional stability... I'm in a much better place, but I can see the different parts of my life from childhood to now where I have journeyed through each of these types and learned to assert myself gently. This was fun to listen to. Thanks.
Yessss! I’m so happy when you use Office characters as examples because I love analyzing their personalities/numbers after I watch an episode! AND I‘ve totally thought both Pam and Jim are 9s but this is the first time I’ve ever heard anybody else say that! Yayyy
This explains sooo much! Now I understand I'm a social 9, which explains why I felt I could relate so much to Type 7 in feeling more extraverted and always having intense FOMO, but really I'm just searching for a sense of belonging to the group. I feel so seen and understood, thank you! Also, I wonder if Ann Perkins from Parks and Rec would be a sx 9. I'm trying to find it but there's an episode I think in season 5 where Leslie points out Ann takes on the personalities of her partners - with Andy she was always in flannels, with Chris she got really into fitness, with Tom she got materialistic, and so on!
Found it! Season 5 Episode 4, Leslie briefly lectures Ann at 13:13, and then they talk about it again at 18:01. Later in the season she focuses more on finding her true self :)
I also thought I was a 4, for a few years until recently. And now I am really noticing nine (sexual 9- Poss wing 8) tendencies. It’s really eye-opening to consider.
Wow... I feel kinda raw now. I was a Sexual 9 as a young girl/woman, until my marriage started to disintegrate. I then became a Social 9, throwing myself into work until I divorced, then I added church and social groups. Over the past couple of years - totally exacerbated by the pandemic - I've become a Self-preservation 9. It has felt like a lot growth for me, but I can still be disconnected from my anger, so there's still work to do.
Oh my God ! I think I am 9 , and I can't help but to feel like I am in a trouble . I do love this type so much , but the fact that we are a sleep hurts so much . I thought I was a self Pres 4 , then a sex 5 , but I am a 9 at my core. I know this my type because I got so emotional . It hurts really deep. Gentleness , peace , understanding = I want to burn it all. I can't stand many people and many things now days , It's like I have run out of patience , and understanding . I am expressing my anger more , sometimes exploding . And to be quiet honest I don't care about who I lose . I believe that the ones that truly love me will stay , and the rest will leave to make a space for others that will love me for who I am . I am deeply hurt to discover some only liked my fake version , but I am committed to loving me and showing up to my life . I remember that last year when I started to show up to my life , I was frightened . Suddenly I felt people really see me , and that I am not a ghost anymore . I am here , visible, and they are looking at me straight. I want to run away all the time , but I didn't . It was the weirdest feeling ever . Thank you so much Dr . The long waited video is SO worth it .
MyStoryisHistory I am a 9w8 and a self preservation subtype 9. I am married to a 8w7 wife. She does the same thing to me as well, but in my experience the best thing that has every happened to me because she has been the only one who has pushed me to wake up and not just have my life on cruise control.
Me too!!!! I think it’s an amazing combination. My 8w7 spouse is powerful and energetic, but he doesn’t let me mirror him, like most other powerful people in my life seem to do - he encourages me to stand in my own two feet and get in touch with myself.
Since you are side by side, do you feel like he helps bring out your anger? I'm a 9w1 and my wife is a 2w1. I feel like she helps pull me through life when I would otherwise have no ambition or direction.
I just discovered the enneagram yesterday, I immediately recognised myself as a 9 - it's a revelation to find out that all the things that I'm made of actually kinda make sense together and - more importantly - how this gives the tools for improvement, directions where to go. Your videos are incredibly valuable and enlightening, sometimes I have to pause and let things sink in for a moment, because they resonate so well and I recognize the patterns and behavious in myself. Thank you!
Thanks Tom. I feel almost identical to the last commenter. I knew right away I was a 9 when I first learned about the enneagram, but I always felt kinship with 4’s. This helps explain which 9 I am. I’ve been blown away how uncanny the enneagram can be at describing people’s personalities and understanding my husband’s perspective better. Glad I found your channel. Listening to your talks is very enlightening.
I started learning about Enneagram a year ago and have read books and listed to podcasts. Your explanations are the most obvious and fun at the same time.
Me: pausing on finishing my grad applications due in a week and watches RUclips and cut out pictures. Him: references self preservation type 9s doing everything except grad apps, “I’m speaking to a few of you out there, y’all can feel it”.... Me: 👁👄👁 I’ve neverrr in my life been so called out before 😅😬
as a social 9, the part about never feeling like you truly belonged to a group, always buying the ticket hit the hardest for me. i'm currently striving to do that exactly, and i always wondered why i could never feel like part of the group, what parts of myself i needed to fix in order to fit in. it's hard to understand that yourself isn't a bad thing to be, but truth hurts man
I'm a Self Preservation 9. It dawned on me when you were taking about the social type and the "team player" That I've always preferred individual sports over team sports. This is making me think. Great video Dr Tom!
28:39 "They oscillate between being completely available to the team [...] and then just being absent." Wow, I didn't know anyone else was doing that. I feel a little bit less like a strange guy all of a sudden ; thanks!
I love your breakdown of 9s! My husband is a self pres 9 and I've been baffled by his puzzles and tv lounging habit, but this makes so much sense when you describe it! My best friend is also a 9, and I feel like I'm going to be able to relate to her better after hearing this!
Wow, such detailed amazing insights into the 9s! I have spent some time trying to figure out my subtype and this has absolutely just nailed it. Thank you.
Totally hit the nail on the head for me! I think my issue is that feeling like I’m in a situation where I cannot embrace my authentic self, it feels easier for others to dictate my life path and tell me what to do, instead of being myself and doing what I want.
I always believed that understanding others motives was the cure to feeling negative emotions. But after watching this video I see that it was just a way to avoid my own feelings. Just another way to numb the pain. Ugh! Thank you for permission to feel anger!!! I get irritated and angry a lot during the day, and since discovering I’m a 9 I am practicing admitting that I am irritated and upset. It’s new and strange😭
Omg, my dad is a 1w9 and I kid you not, he has worn the same brand and style Wrangler jeans for as long as I can remember. He also wears the exact same brand and style watch he's worn since at least the early 80s. And to top off the look is a short sleeve polo shirt that MUST have a pocket for his reading glasses. Comfort and familiarity all the way. 👍
Oh wow! Was relating a lot to the self pres 9, (except for them being the most unemotional, most assertive or "8" ish nines) until you got to the sexual 9 and I was like oh crap... that's me 😂 So glad I stumbled onto your page!
When he talked about doing other things to avoid the big thing, I immediately realized that instead of looking into careers and deciding what to do past high school, I've been studying the enneagram and my bible and how to grow seeds and getting really into those instead... as a Nine I am very good at targeting dumb things and never addressing my issues in life because decisions mean CHANGE = my enemy
9w1 here. Awww....I am a Social 9w1 who seriously looks and acts like a 2! I thought I was a 2 for a long time. Most people who meet me at first think I am 2, until they start to see my 9ness. I love how you talk right into the camera, I end up catching myself replying to you. ;) You are so thoughtful and caring when describing the enneagrams, giving such respect to each. As a 9, I of course do a bit of all 3 subtypes: self pres at home or when alone, social at work, and sexual in relationships. I have thought I was a 2 and now I understand why! Oh and the sneaky...heehee. My friends and family think it's cute thank goodness. :) I really like myself as a Social 9. I'm ok with not totally being a part of the group because I use SP 2 to make myself a niche in the group.
I love doing my sudoku puzzles when I am in the bathroom, mostly. I may take breaks before doing what must be done. I have learned not to fear anger as a bad thing, but turned anger into my best friend because it is there to help not to hurt me or anybody else. It empowered me to take care of me.
I wasn’t sure what my subtype was until watching this. Everything about that SP explanation hit the nail on the head for me. Legit teared up when you talked about calling anger by it’s name. Thank you!!
It’s interesting that as a sexual 9, I seem to lose a sense of myself when I go into hermit mode. The irony in that, is that hermit mode is typically a situation where people find themselves; not lose themselves. It’s like I need people in order for me not to lose sight of myself.
so glad i found this channel. i'm a sx/sp 9 and it fucking sucks let's be honest. in my opinion i go along with other people in my life because I'm so afraid of being alone i could literally die, no matter how much other people hurt me and use me (and they do). i am trying to find myself but i feel like the obstacles i have inside me are enormous
Thank you so much for your fun video about the 9s. I could see myself in all subtypes but when you started describing the sexual 9 and their somewhat 4 qualities, that there just sent chills through my spine because of the accuracy. I loved loved loved your closing remarks, “it’s okay if others separate from you, but don’t separate from yourself.” *tears* That’s a hard won lesson in life of this 9. Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for your videos. I have had a hard time finding my type and have thought for a while I was a 4w5 sp, but it never felt quite right. After hearing you describe the sx 9 I feel very called out and shed a few tears.
Melartista, I am new to the Enegram and found out less than a year ago that I am a 9 and what a healthy o looks like. This has been an awakening for me. So first I congratulate you on setting boundaries and speaking up. My only comment is truth spoken in love will stand all else is shifting sand. Loved ones will respond to conflict in different ways. Healthy relationships will fuse together and become stronger. Unhealthy ones unfortunately may need to separate for a season. Don't give up on them or yourself. Love them. Pray for them. Bless them. And stay the course to a healthy 9.
This is so helpful! But I still struggle. I’m a 9 without a doubt. Based on this video I feel like I’m a sexual 9 because I do empathize deeply without becoming too involved, BUT I pride myself on being different than others - I thought I was a 4 for a long time, I’m not - but I definitely don’t melt into the mold of who I spend my time with. So maybe I’m self-pres? I don’t know!
I spaced out into my empty box space when bored/ distressed/ uninterested( dreamer 9w1 specialty of mine) woke right up when you started speaking of getting in touch with anger and I’ve been calling anger everything but anger im ready to give it up and learn to deal with it.
Hi Tom, many thanks for these videos. I've been learning a lot from them the last couple of days (I'm a 9, with a 1 wing I think). You mention that it's a good idea for 9's to have a goal, an ambition to work towards, to counteract the inertia and that sounds true to me. But I've noticed how we, myself included, get into trouble when we live towards something, so life becomes about "getting to" rather than in our present moment unfolding experience. Are these two things - the peace of being present, and the ambition needed to provide purpose, compatible? I'd be interested to hear anything you have to say around that. With thanks, Tom R (a creative bloke in the UK, in sandals :-)
This is the 3rd video of yours that has brought me close to tears as you proceed to describe the deep dark recesses of myself that I didn't know needed attention. Now I know I'm a Sexual 9. Thanks for breaking it down for me, gives me an idea how I can try to deal with the parts of me that are out of control. ❤ thank you.
Self-preservation 9 and I have never felt so seen before in my life. This is spot-on in every detail, right down to the work boots and the jeans brand loyalty, lol! Thanks so much for your terrific work.
Finally the social nine this is the nine I can identify with! Quick decision-making, leadership role, wants the team to win, can mediate even difficult situations. Does not identify with naps! Quick anger but then you're over it! thank you for this video
Thank you Dr. lahue. I thought i was a 3 and then I realized, when i watched your videos that I am a self-preservation 9. You described 9 in a possitive way, not only as lazy people
Wow got called out on that one! The sneaky thing you hit the nail on the head. It’s not an intentional sneakyness..really helpful thank you. Was some confusion whether I was a four or a nine 💛
I recently found your videos and could not stop smiling as I watched them because you described me so perfectly. I don’t even think I could come up with any of this during therapy
Wow, very impressive!! Thanks a lot for this info!! I often thought I was a 5, since I like to be alone regularly, sometimes also think: "Leave me alone, you buggers", and not being overly 'friendly', to be honest, or at least this is how I view myself. I am quite introverted, and trust my head over my feelings, even though people tell me that I should trust my feelings. I often end up thinking: 'Yeah, well, this is all very interesting, but my heart really doesn't know anything, so now you are telling me to trust my heart?? Are you kidding me?' Yet I don't feel like I need all the information, in order to be safe. And I do see all the views of others, far more clearly then I can see mine, as though those views are mine as well, and for the moment, when i am around these people, I really feel like these opinions, and views they are having, are mine!! They are mine, untill I am at home, alone, and I can start to think and feel again. Then I might disagree, and see other views. I do have a tendency to put off important tasks, and dive into unimportant tasks, like the preservering type (which then looks like a 5, apparently). I do that mostly when I am stressed about the important task. It really annoys me that I do that. And you know what, every time I do those stressful tasks, I feel so great, and at peace!! Whole lot of stuff off my shoulders!! I did not recognize myself that much of a social 9. I feel I am too individualistic for that. But then you started talking about the sexual 9. That kind of fitted me. For as long as I remember, I wondered, 'Who am I? Who am I really? Do you know who I am? Will you tell me who I am? Because I don't know myself, but I guess you might?' I often try to find out who I am through the other, and am often wondering how the other percieves me, as I hope to find out more about me. Even though also in tests (which I either score high on 9, or 5) I never score high on a 4, since I don't think of me being emotional, this type seems to fit. And also, while listening to you explaining about the sexual 9, I feel emotions. Emotions of sadness, of a loss, and when you state that these 9's are on a quest to find themselves, through the eyes of another, that really kinda fits me. Because i always felt lost that way, and I really wanted to know the answer, hoping I would find it with the other. And also the sneaky part. I often like things, but I am afraid that it would cause discussion that i don't like, so i hide it, and do it very sneakily. But I don't think I am very 'kind', but I am always on a lookout for what others want, indeed. Anyway, this is a far too long story, sorry for that, but I do have a hard time keeping writings short. Thanks again for this video!!
Was nodding along with the self-preservation and social 9s, but the sexual 9 hit a little harder lol. I often find myself also taking on attributes from characters I like in TV shows, and using them to try and better understand myself
I feel like I go between all these, especially the self preservation and the sexual type nowadays. When you talked about the social type I felt so sad, because I felt that’s as a child and a teenager I was more of that one, trying to fit in but never really feeling as a part of the group. So now when I’m older I’ve just given that up, thinking I’m never going to be part of a group ever again and that’s why I’m nowadays more self preserving, and in that I am trying to find myself and discover who I am. I want to belong, but not by diminish myself anymore. I want to find out who I am finally, what my dreams and desires are, what I am carrying inside. I want to let my wall down and find what’s behind it, and then express myself to myself both creatively and externally. I’ve never felt like I belonged, and I let my external shape my identity. Now I’ve come to a point where I am so lost and so tired of this that all I want to do is sit with myself and get to know the Lisa I feel like I lost along the way. To see all the walls I built around myself through the eyes of other people. I wanted to feel peace around others but that just created a war within myself and now I want to pick myself up to finally feel the peace that I am. (And I definitely use video gaming as a way to avoid uncomfortable things, and have done that for as long as I can remember. Last week my PC broke and a part of me is happy about that, because now I have an opportuniy look within instead of constantly running away)
I am most certainly a self-preserving 9, but I also feel like in the past I may have been more of a sexual 9. But after enduring some trauma in the past, my self-preserving instinct took priority. I know that instincts are something that we all have within ourselves, which is how I am able to identify with all instincts because we're all human, and that each instinct has priorities, and for me as of now, it's SP -> SX -> SO. I think in the past it was something like SX >= SP -> SO. My mom (Type 5) has always said I was very tough, but she also said that I REALLY am good at imitating others, which in the past was my Type 8 older brother, and that she was really glad when my brother left the house (he's much older than me, 13 year gap), so she could get my brother's influence out of me. All in all, the more I learn, the more I'm convinced I'm a Type 9.
Really enjoyed and appreciated this. Not sure if it was just me (maybe because I'm a sexual 9) but it felt like you were very enthusiastic and emotional in this video, moreso than usual. Being a sx 9 I think is hard because you are so easily aware of all these people around you putting on masks, and you don't have the heart to tell them that they're settling on a truth that is partial at best. And when you observe yourself you just see the same thing and think, maybe it's better not to wear a mask at all, since I can never "be" anything in a full sense (we'll always feel something is missing, like the 4). The ironic thing is, that's why we merge with others and are always at distance from ourselves. If we conceded that, as humans, not wearing a mask is not an option, then we might actually discover the energy and desire to shape ourselves in our own image. But I hate that, because it's like being told "you must be a person, you don't have a choice in the matter". I guess that's true, reading it in front of me now. But my gut reaction is still "yeah? Says who?" No authority feels absolute - not that of others, and certainly not our own. I think merging is our way of enabling ourselves to be ignorant of the larger truth that we feel inclined to live out of but that we feel is too overwhelming for us to understand
Thank you so much. I’ve realized a few months into learning about the enneagram that I am actually a sexual 9. Your videos are a very enjoyable part of my journey. For a good example of a sexual 9-watch Kim in better call Saul-tragic sexual 9! I actually can identify a lot with the frustrations you can see in her barely under the surface in her relationship, and the way she just watches herself get lost in someone else-then rationalizes it. It’s too close to home so I can’t really put it into words. Breaking bad and better call Saul have excellent character development and I really recommend them for an enneagram study
James Cooper I’ve always said that about Breaking Bad! As a four I was enamored by the intricacies within each characters changes over the course of the show.
I thought I was a 2 for so long. It’s mostly because I have a servant heart. I didn’t think much about the stress that two’s go to, but I just contributed it to the fact that I never really fit in anywhere, lol. A friend recommended me to look at a nine type, and I realized that some things felt true to me. I didn’t understand sloth and peacemaker too much, until it was broken down into what that really means. I have ALWAYS taken on the things of the people I spend time with. I’m constantly looking up things on google like, “What should I feel if ____ happens.” I definitely feel more social nine/sexual nine. Also, I’m in college right now to become a counselor, how funny!
I'm the exact same! Mistyped as 2 as I always felt the need to do what others needed/wanted, but it didnt completely "click" for me, feels so good to finally type correctly and be able to learn more about myself as a 9!
you keep talking about how the type 9 is productive, but I'm not productive at all--I waste tons of time just laying in bed and I'm kind of unmotivated, withdrawn, and comfort seeking, and don't often meet my deadlines at work. As I get older, I just want to escape and not be affected by the world and not have commitments or duties. I get lost in sadness and inertia, and the only reason I keep the job I have now is the workers union I'm in carries me. Also, my mom is the vice principal at the school I work at and she makes work problems go away, so I just do everything she says both in work and outside of work. She gets mad if I don't do what makes her happy and I try to not anger her.
My husband is definitely a self preservation 9w1. Every single thing you said is accurate. We have been together for a long time and I was attracted to him because he is so calm and stable. We both grew up in homes with a lot of yelling, swearing, putting people down, and we are both 9’s who are trying to do better for our kids but also not be afraid to deal with issues that arise. I have rarely heard him raise his voice, he can get along with anyone, but he says arguing (conflict) “is not worth it”, like there is nothing that is a big enough deal to get upset about 🧐 it is an interesting mindset
Is it possible to go from social to self preservation? I feel like when I was younger I was more social and kinda gave up on trying to find friends/belonging and now lean towards SP.
My friends and family all assumed i was a 4 because of the fact my parents always always pushed me to be an outside thinker, to be special, not like the sheeple outsiders. And I had in turn totally adopted that personality. After 2 years of basically having "Think about others needs more, stop self pitying" thrown at me by the whole enneagram community. It destroying my self image of being selfless but also feeling urged to sit with the assigned expectations of a group and not changing the status quo. I finally realised i was a 9, 2 days ago. I thought i was just terribly wrong this whole time, I was too assertive with my needs but im so exhausted at this point that i just cried tears of joy watcing this. I dont care about anything to do with the 4 self image, i just wanted someone to tell me my needs matter. Im so elated that I dont care if I come off as annoying or dramatic at this point.
So, for about 7-8 years I was a social 9 (20-28) and then went through an extreme paradigm shift in my life where I was pushed to “find myself”. I was going through that phase that you do accurately described as, “they define themselves as the group.” It took a year or two to realize that I had lost myself and how destructive that was(28-30). Still trying to find myself, but it’s getting better. Now I feel like a self pres 9 through and through haha. I don’t have the energy to deal with being the team leader/cheerleader anymore.
Definitely a sexual/one on one 9, but my job these past couple years has forced me to work on the social and self-preserving aspects of myself; it's been a hard road, but I'm proud of how far I've come to where online quizzes call me Self-preserving, haha!
After watching this, I’m more confident in being a sx9 (I previously mistyped as a 4w3). “Merging” for me would come with some kind of envy - if the person was more assertive, confident, stronger, etc. I would become envious and idealize those traits. I’ve noticed I can unconsciously take on aspects and speaking habits of people I’m close to, but not really to the point of losing myself (maybe because I use Fi)? I’ve always been persistent in finding my identity, which is most likely why I’m interested in topics like MBTI and the Enneagram. Your description of the sx9 is the one I resonate with most, so, good job with this video
It’s interesting because I’ve kind of already allowed myself to be typed as a two. I never really followed the enneagram but I do follow MBTI. Actually pretty much the whole reason I’ve fallen into personality types in the first place is because a friend of mine told me that they didn’t “feel like they knew who I was” and I should “speak more”. Something clicked and I started to really speak to myself more and basically followed every video that I came across about personality to a tee because I thought that oh I couldn’t possibly been mistyped. Which lead me even further than myself. I noticed as well that something was trapped deep inside and I started to grow depressed more and the seams started to strip away as I realized how important an identity is to me. Without one, it’s difficult to make deeper connections because most people who don’t truly know you won’t freely open up about themselves either. Though being a bystander in other peoples lives as well gives a gift of understanding of human nature. Though I still consider myself to be the “b-story” in everyone else’s lives. I did have a friend tell me recently that they thought I knew myself more than any of our other friends, which did in return feel good. Ultimately the one thing that I found over the last two years has been this… it’s okay to not know exactly who you are but if you go on a similar journey don’t be afraid to be different. Also, in the process you might have to burn your forest down a few times, that’s okay. If the enneagram teaches us anything (along with story telling) there’s things we believe in that prevent us from growing. Change comes from extinguishing those beliefs by examining them and understanding them. Comfort your demons, don’t ignore them.
'When they don't know what they want/need/feel/think, they have a hard time *expressing* that they don't know what they want/need/feel/think to other people.' BINGO !!!
"They may have been a little bit like Harry Potter, living under the stairs, never really belonging"- 33:11 This makes me so sad because I'm here to type another person close to me and this is sadly accurate for them, they were part of a family with 7 children and parents who never had much time to care about them as one of the youngest. After watching this whole video, I'm sure that they are an ENFP 9 sx/so and a healthy one! :3
Great content. I have been fond of enneagram since 1998. So far this is the best video explanation on Enneagram. I think I was a type 1 dominant before but now I’m a sexual type 9 dominant. I prefer one by one relationships than a simultanous group relationship. I am sometimes guilty of innocently invading the bounderies of other people by my questions. I try to know myself thru experimenting and trying things out if I like it or not. Usually its more challenging for me to know what I like but it is easier for me to know what I don’t like. So i use the process of elimination to slowly get to know myself better. Sometimes I get an aha moment of what I really like then sometimes I forget it. Funny. In times of conflict, I step out of my shell and become the referee - usually pointing out to both parties that they should accomodate each other perspective because they are equally right or equally wrong. I also notice I have a natural gift in counseling and I also don’t get entangled because I instinctly know my bounderies on how my help should be positioned. I enjoy enneagram so much because I enjoy understanding the psychology and perspective of people. Thank you for this video. It gives my more clarity on who I am.
This was such a helpful video!!! Initially, after some first assessments , I thought I was a nine, then got confused as I listened to your video about the subtypes of a 4. I resonated strongly with the self preservation 4. BUT…then came the sexual 9! Oh my…EVERYTHING you said was spot on for me, especially the relationship to my father. It was as if you talked about me personally. I can say for sure now that this type matches me 100%. Your videos are so incredibly inspiring and helpful. The book: enneagram for relationships just arrived and I am looking forward to dive in soon.
Hi, I've done a fair amount of research into personality testing and in regards to enneagram I relate to being a 9, a social 9 I would say after watching this video. Thanks, I have found this very inciteful!
This is so spot on it's scary! 😂 resilience is almost a life goal, routine, Small comfort, anger, stubbornness, don't disturb me!! 9 w 8 yup that's me. And I'm ok with it!
Thank you for this video. My husband is I think a self pres nine. My son is a nine sx. Your video has helped me figure out what they are. I understand them both so much better now. Your channel is one of best enneagram channels on you tube.
Just a stereotypical nine here, procrastinating what I should be doing by listening to this guy describe my procrastination to me. 😂
just what I was thinking hahahahahaha
Same 😂
Same l😅
SAME!
Saaame Hehehe
SELF PRESERVATION 9's 1:54 SOCIAL 9's 25:07 SEXUAL 9's 40:18
Thanks!!
SP 2:50
Thanks for this at 38 was about to check out. But sex is coming up at 40.
❤thx
Can we talk about how a lot of the nine videos are the most viewed videos... that’s very nine of us lol
That's what they say about infjs (which i am also supposed to be). Apparently, infjs are of the few types that watch the most mbti videos.
Lol I'm just trying to get to know myself 😅 I'm such a 9
🤣
@@izzybitsyspider03 Well im an intp 9w1 and here i am
I figured we 4s watched ourselves the most 😅
"I think I'll just turn on the tv and have a popsicle..." (13:00).
That moment when you realize you've traded your future for TV and popsicles. 😔
It hurts that when I (a nine) finally started to set boundaries and assert (even gently) what I wanted in my life, many of my close relationships (including my husband of 17 years) felt very upset, sometimes angry, by it. What’s ironic is that they were the very people who told me I needed to do this in the first place. It’s difficult to grow when you’ve merged with others so long that others don’t want to know you any other way.
Yes, we applaud each other's un-health. When you start to get healthy, people don't know what to do with you.
Similar experience... It is a journey worth taking though.
@@twlahue I wondered if after people have come out from under abuse their true personality shows?Are they usually a variation of a 9 or simply another personality altogether?
ᴀsᴛʀᴀᴇᴀ I hear you! It sounds like you have some family members who have some toxic/abusive patterns. In your less healthy 9ness of wanting to play the role of stabilizer/keeping the peace at all cost, you may have enabled them to remain unhealthy, too. When you began to set boundaries that upset the equilibrium and they don’t like it! They want things to stay the way they have been and you are no longer playing your expected role. I have been there, and I applaud you for getting healthier and standing your ground! Stay strong! Love and prayers, L
My type 8 mother always told me to be strong. Stop being a doormat has made me a stronger person in the face of people who wants to control me. It is worth it to me not being a doormat anymore and live in freedom not fear of separation and loss. It takes time to grow, adjust and getting used to being your own advocate. It gets easier over time!
Self-Pres 9s are more likely to mistype as 5s, social 9s are more likely to mistype as 2s, and sexual 9 are more likely to mistype as 4s.
I never feel like im a 5
I mistyped as a 2w3, but I'm definitely a 9. Specifically 9w8 so/sp
I took the longer Enneagram test (the paid version) and was assigned 4. But I took other tests and was assigned 9(SX). 4(SX) and 9(SX) both have aspects that strongly resonate with me. The one big difference is I'm super in touch with my emotions, but I hate having to sit with them. Most 4's love sitting with their heavy feelings.
i mistyped as a 5w4 for a year (sp/sx 9w8)
true, ive mistyped as a 4 once
You made my jaw drop, offended me, then made me laugh in surprise, then got my defences up, then made me cry and finally, you made me feel deeply understood and seen. My goodness, the truth is painful! But thank you, thank you for shedding light.
I’m feeling the same way!
Yep, pretty much
Same here 😂😂😂😂😂
I'm 9w1 SP. I rarely feel anger. In watching this video, I realized I feel anger when people treat me unfairly or when they refuse to try and see my perspective. I see everyone's perspective, so when they refuse to do that for me, I feel angry and hurt.
Omg!!!! Same here!!!! 9/w1. No anger at all, till I don’t feel heard.
I’ve been watching for a while (and on my Enneagram journey for much longer), and I can honestly say this is the best Enneagram content out there right now.
Much appreciated. Thanks.
Agree!
Completely agree!
Agree also 🙂
in your opinion which skilled trade is more suitable for istp mechanic or electrician ... give the logical answer based on the function of the ISTP ..?
I am a Self-Preservation 9. I really related to what you said about "Putting off the really important thing to do in order to do my routine". I have always wondered why I do that? I usually wait until my anxiety level is so high that then I will finally start working on it.
I mostly identified with this subtype more than the other 2
yeah, same here! Those big things to do seem like they'll be so difficult, and take forever, so why do it?or maybe the thought is I should get these ducks in a row before trying to tackle such a "big" important task.
Definitely a sexual 9, it makes sense why I can only be aware of myself with someone around. I switch personalities so much I have trouble keeping up. Everyone I talk to has a personality they bring out in me and I never realize it's happening until we separate
Omg!!!!! Yes!!!! Same here!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Tom: "you gotta this and this because it will do you good."
Me as a 9: "ehhhh.... i know but,....ehhhh sounds like a lot of work"
Think I'm predominantly a self-preservation 9 at this stage in my life, although parts of the other descriptions also resonate strongly with me, especially the social.
I do wonder - why to we 9s seem to be such experts at self-sabotage? Especially the self-pres; we fear separation, yet we run away from connection, preferring distraction.
Seems like we don't really believe that we're important enough for really deep, vulnerable relationships, or we're afraid that if we really let anyone look that deep then no-one will like what they see - least of all ourselves - so we settle for the 'next best thing': surface-level friendships, creature comforts, smoothing over, keeping people happy, keeping things peaceful.
Maybe we run away from what we want because we don't WANT to want anything. If you admit to wanting something, you either have to work towards it or consciously give it up, which also takes work. If you live in denial if the fact that you HAVE real desires and dreams, you can drift along the path of least resistance.
WOW. Are you me? I literally just came to this realization today and its scary af but also empowering. The pain of regret weighs tons while the pain of discipline weighs ounces. As much as I want an easy life, I dont want to wake up at 60 and not have it mean anything. I hope you and I both have the courage to change our life :)
Wow...amazing comment...!
A.A. I think you nailed it. We keep things on the surface because we're afraid of letting ourselves or other people in too deep because of what we might find there. And we somehow are experts at not wanting things, because wanting things by default requires some type of action or movement, and when I picture myself taking purposeful action I imagine myself moving into the stream of life and disrupting it... I'm imagining myself sort of jostling other people and pissing them off and the anxiety that thought provokes. It's like I made a decision that it's easier just to self forget or numb myself than piss off the world. And that makes me feel pathetic and contributes to depression. 9w8, SX
Ouch
I’m a sexual 9 and I think there’s a reason why I like the enneagram so much. I like to point to someone else’s description and say “that fits me” cause I can’t find it on my own. Also, I relate a lot to the “merging” aspect.
I am crying over here. Just discovered the enneagram about 2 years ago right after my sister took her own life. When you got to the sexual 9 I just burst into tears. My sister to a T. As a child she would be a little sneaky but then burst into tears and admit her sneakiness to my mom or myself because she didn’t want us to be upset with her. She was a beautiful, artistic soul that could unfortunately attract some manipulators in her life. Thank you for the healing this video has brought me today.
❤️
me 😔
I’m a sp 9w1. Ironically, I sometimes use analysing the enneagram as my distraction ‘puzzle’. Trying to type other people using it etc. Thanks for your assistance in my self-awareness/self-improvement journey.
Same lol. I thought I was trying to gather information and learn stuff like a 5, but I’m really doing this for the distraction.
As a 9w1 sx who thought I was a 4 for a long time I legit cried in anger when you described the sexual 9 like why would you truth bomb me like that????
So frustrating right
Thank you so much for this video. It really touched me. I'm a so9, and that feeling of never really belonging.. yep. Sad but true.
"It's okay for people to separate from you, but you must not separate from you."
That's powerful. I'll definitely write that down. ❤
When you've gone through 2 years of therapy, to realize that you're so apathetic to the world because you're used to relying on other people for your emotional stability... I'm in a much better place, but I can see the different parts of my life from childhood to now where I have journeyed through each of these types and learned to assert myself gently. This was fun to listen to. Thanks.
Yessss! I’m so happy when you use Office characters as examples because I love analyzing their personalities/numbers after I watch an episode! AND I‘ve totally thought both Pam and Jim are 9s but this is the first time I’ve ever heard anybody else say that! Yayyy
This explains sooo much! Now I understand I'm a social 9, which explains why I felt I could relate so much to Type 7 in feeling more extraverted and always having intense FOMO, but really I'm just searching for a sense of belonging to the group. I feel so seen and understood, thank you!
Also, I wonder if Ann Perkins from Parks and Rec would be a sx 9. I'm trying to find it but there's an episode I think in season 5 where Leslie points out Ann takes on the personalities of her partners - with Andy she was always in flannels, with Chris she got really into fitness, with Tom she got materialistic, and so on!
Found it! Season 5 Episode 4, Leslie briefly lectures Ann at 13:13, and then they talk about it again at 18:01. Later in the season she focuses more on finding her true self :)
9w8 so/sp here. Nice to meet as well lol. I thought initially I was a 2 or smth lol
This is why I thought I was a four for a while. I'm actually a Sexual Nine. Thanks for the insight!
Yes. Glad to help.
I also thought I was a 4, for a few years until recently. And now I am really noticing nine (sexual 9- Poss wing 8) tendencies. It’s really eye-opening to consider.
Same here Tevin.
Me too
Same, I hate it
If I feel like I'm all the subtypes of a 9, does that just confirm I'm a 9? 😂
kara borquez ... Bahahaha!
Me too XD
Same!!
Yes, you can move around in the subtypes.
I also feel I'm both wings
Wow... I feel kinda raw now. I was a Sexual 9 as a young girl/woman, until my marriage started to disintegrate. I then became a Social 9, throwing myself into work until I divorced, then I added church and social groups. Over the past couple of years - totally exacerbated by the pandemic - I've become a Self-preservation 9. It has felt like a lot growth for me, but I can still be disconnected from my anger, so there's still work to do.
Oh my God ! I think I am 9 , and I can't help but to feel like I am in a trouble . I do love this type so much , but the fact that we are a sleep hurts so much . I thought I was a self Pres 4 , then a sex 5 , but I am a 9 at my core. I know this my type because I got so emotional . It hurts really deep. Gentleness , peace , understanding = I want to burn it all.
I can't stand many people and many things now days , It's like I have run out of patience , and understanding . I am expressing my anger more , sometimes exploding . And to be quiet honest I don't care about who I lose . I believe that the ones that truly love me will stay , and the rest will leave to make a space for others that will love me for who I am . I am deeply hurt to discover some only liked my fake version , but I am committed to loving me and showing up to my life .
I remember that last year when I started to show up to my life , I was frightened . Suddenly I felt people really see me , and that I am not a ghost anymore . I am here , visible, and they are looking at me straight. I want to run away all the time , but I didn't . It was the weirdest feeling ever .
Thank you so much Dr . The long waited video is SO worth it .
9sx here, married to an 8w7!! He's always pushing me to be me, and I'm like, "Who do you want me to be??" Ha! I'm also very 4ish.
MyStoryisHistory I am a 9w8 and a self preservation subtype 9. I am married to a 8w7 wife. She does the same thing to me as well, but in my experience the best thing that has every happened to me because she has been the only one who has pushed me to wake up and not just have my life on cruise control.
Me too!!!! I think it’s an amazing combination. My 8w7 spouse is powerful and energetic, but he doesn’t let me mirror him, like most other powerful people in my life seem to do - he encourages me to stand in my own two feet and get in touch with myself.
Since you are side by side, do you feel like he helps bring out your anger? I'm a 9w1 and my wife is a 2w1. I feel like she helps pull me through life when I would otherwise have no ambition or direction.
I just discovered the enneagram yesterday, I immediately recognised myself as a 9 - it's a revelation to find out that all the things that I'm made of actually kinda make sense together and - more importantly - how this gives the tools for improvement, directions where to go. Your videos are incredibly valuable and enlightening, sometimes I have to pause and let things sink in for a moment, because they resonate so well and I recognize the patterns and behavious in myself. Thank you!
Thanks Tom. I feel almost identical to the last commenter. I knew right away I was a 9 when I first learned about the enneagram, but I always felt kinship with 4’s. This helps explain which 9 I am. I’ve been blown away how uncanny the enneagram can be at describing people’s personalities and understanding my husband’s perspective better. Glad I found your channel. Listening to your talks is very enlightening.
Maybe ur tritype has 4 in it
I started learning about Enneagram a year ago and have read books and listed to podcasts. Your explanations are the most obvious and fun at the same time.
I'm really resonating with the self preservation 9. How do you move to knowing yourself and goals?
Me: pausing on finishing my grad applications due in a week and watches RUclips and cut out pictures.
Him: references self preservation type 9s doing everything except grad apps, “I’m speaking to a few of you out there, y’all can feel it”....
Me: 👁👄👁
I’ve neverrr in my life been so called out before 😅😬
😂 Funny how life works isn't it? I understand that doing everything else too. Keep on going.
I’d have it done the day of lol
I’m very impressed on how little editing in your videos. You are so well spoken and a good communicator.
as a social 9, the part about never feeling like you truly belonged to a group, always buying the ticket hit the hardest for me. i'm currently striving to do that exactly, and i always wondered why i could never feel like part of the group, what parts of myself i needed to fix in order to fit in. it's hard to understand that yourself isn't a bad thing to be, but truth hurts man
"I think I'll just turn on the TV and have a Popsicle." 💯
I'm a Self Preservation 9. It dawned on me when you were taking about the social type and the "team player" That I've always preferred individual sports over team sports. This is making me think. Great video Dr Tom!
28:39 "They oscillate between being completely available to the team [...] and then just being absent."
Wow, I didn't know anyone else was doing that. I feel a little bit less like a strange guy all of a sudden ; thanks!
I love your breakdown of 9s! My husband is a self pres 9 and I've been baffled by his puzzles and tv lounging habit, but this makes so much sense when you describe it! My best friend is also a 9, and I feel like I'm going to be able to relate to her better after hearing this!
Thank you! I've ALWAYS said Harry Potter was a 9! The reluctant hero. 9W8
Idk if 9 can be a hero
Harry is a sp 4
Wow, such detailed amazing insights into the 9s! I have spent some time trying to figure out my subtype and this has absolutely just nailed it. Thank you.
Totally hit the nail on the head for me! I think my issue is that feeling like I’m in a situation where I cannot embrace my authentic self, it feels easier for others to dictate my life path and tell me what to do, instead of being myself and doing what I want.
I always believed that understanding others motives was the cure to feeling negative emotions.
But after watching this video I see that it was just a way to avoid my own feelings. Just another way to numb the pain. Ugh! Thank you for permission to feel anger!!! I get irritated and angry a lot during the day, and since discovering I’m a 9 I am practicing admitting that I am irritated and upset. It’s new and strange😭
Omg, my dad is a 1w9 and I kid you not, he has worn the same brand and style Wrangler jeans for as long as I can remember. He also wears the exact same brand and style watch he's worn since at least the early 80s. And to top off the look is a short sleeve polo shirt that MUST have a pocket for his reading glasses. Comfort and familiarity all the way. 👍
Oh wow! Was relating a lot to the self pres 9, (except for them being the most unemotional, most assertive or "8" ish nines) until you got to the sexual 9 and I was like oh crap... that's me 😂 So glad I stumbled onto your page!
me too!
same
When he talked about doing other things to avoid the big thing, I immediately realized that instead of looking into careers and deciding what to do past high school, I've been studying the enneagram and my bible and how to grow seeds and getting really into those instead... as a Nine I am very good at targeting dumb things and never addressing my issues in life because decisions mean CHANGE = my enemy
46:21 - "You didn't finish that Gatorade." What does that say about me?
9w1 here. Awww....I am a Social 9w1 who seriously looks and acts like a 2! I thought I was a 2 for a long time. Most people who meet me at first think I am 2, until they start to see my 9ness. I love how you talk right into the camera, I end up catching myself replying to you. ;) You are so thoughtful and caring when describing the enneagrams, giving such respect to each. As a 9, I of course do a bit of all 3 subtypes: self pres at home or when alone, social at work, and sexual in relationships. I have thought I was a 2 and now I understand why! Oh and the sneaky...heehee. My friends and family think it's cute thank goodness. :) I really like myself as a Social 9. I'm ok with not totally being a part of the group because I use SP 2 to make myself a niche in the group.
I love doing my sudoku puzzles when I am in the bathroom, mostly. I may take breaks before doing what must be done. I have learned not to fear anger as a bad thing, but turned anger into my best friend because it is there to help not to hurt me or anybody else. It empowered me to take care of me.
I wasn’t sure what my subtype was until watching this. Everything about that SP explanation hit the nail on the head for me. Legit teared up when you talked about calling anger by it’s name. Thank you!!
It’s interesting that as a sexual 9, I seem to lose a sense of myself when I go into hermit mode.
The irony in that, is that hermit mode is typically a situation where people find themselves; not lose themselves.
It’s like I need people in order for me not to lose sight of myself.
so/sx 9 but me too.
Bruh I was crying. You never cease to amaze me.
Thanks
so glad i found this channel. i'm a sx/sp 9 and it fucking sucks let's be honest. in my opinion i go along with other people in my life because I'm so afraid of being alone i could literally die, no matter how much other people hurt me and use me (and they do). i am trying to find myself but i feel like the obstacles i have inside me are enormous
18:15 "They are angry people underneath the surface." dang it, he sees right through me.
I cried so much. After watching this viedo I feel I know myself better. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your fun video about the 9s. I could see myself in all subtypes but when you started describing the sexual 9 and their somewhat 4 qualities, that there just sent chills through my spine because of the accuracy. I loved loved loved your closing remarks, “it’s okay if others separate from you, but don’t separate from yourself.” *tears* That’s a hard won lesson in life of this 9. Thank you so much!
I cry when he talking about dream
Thank you so much for your videos. I have had a hard time finding my type and have thought for a while I was a 4w5 sp, but it never felt quite right. After hearing you describe the sx 9 I feel very called out and shed a few tears.
the same here :)
Im 9sx and I used to think I was a 4.
Melartista, I am new to the Enegram and found out less than a year ago that I am a 9 and what a healthy o looks like. This has been an awakening for me. So first I congratulate you on setting boundaries and speaking up. My only comment is truth spoken in love will stand all else is shifting sand. Loved ones will respond to conflict in different ways. Healthy relationships will fuse together and become stronger. Unhealthy ones unfortunately may need to separate for a season. Don't give up on them or yourself. Love them. Pray for them. Bless them. And stay the course to a healthy 9.
This is so helpful! But I still struggle. I’m a 9 without a doubt. Based on this video I feel like I’m a sexual 9 because I do empathize deeply without becoming too involved, BUT I pride myself on being different than others - I thought I was a 4 for a long time, I’m not - but I definitely don’t melt into the mold of who I spend my time with. So maybe I’m self-pres? I don’t know!
I spaced out into my empty box space when bored/ distressed/ uninterested( dreamer 9w1 specialty of mine) woke right up when you started speaking of getting in touch with anger and I’ve been calling anger everything but anger im ready to give it up and learn to deal with it.
Hi Tom, many thanks for these videos. I've been learning a lot from them the last couple of days (I'm a 9, with a 1 wing I think). You mention that it's a good idea for 9's to have a goal, an ambition to work towards, to counteract the inertia and that sounds true to me. But I've noticed how we, myself included, get into trouble when we live towards something, so life becomes about "getting to" rather than in our present moment unfolding experience. Are these two things - the peace of being present, and the ambition needed to provide purpose, compatible? I'd be interested to hear anything you have to say around that. With thanks, Tom R (a creative bloke in the UK, in sandals :-)
I'm glad you listed other labels for the "sexual" nine. I know it's not literal, but I don't like it.
It is a little uncomfortable to have to go around telling everyone you're a "sexual" type.
Amen! It's really irritating to be interrupted, especially when I'm doing something that takes focus and the interruptions break focus.
This is the 3rd video of yours that has brought me close to tears as you proceed to describe the deep dark recesses of myself that I didn't know needed attention. Now I know I'm a Sexual 9. Thanks for breaking it down for me, gives me an idea how I can try to deal with the parts of me that are out of control. ❤ thank you.
Self-preservation 9 and I have never felt so seen before in my life. This is spot-on in every detail, right down to the work boots and the jeans brand loyalty, lol! Thanks so much for your terrific work.
You are so welcome
Finally the social nine this is the nine I can identify with! Quick decision-making, leadership role, wants the team to win, can mediate even difficult situations. Does not identify with naps! Quick anger but then you're over it! thank you for this video
Thank you Dr. lahue. I thought i was a 3 and then I realized, when i watched your videos that I am a self-preservation 9. You described 9 in a possitive way, not only as lazy people
Awesome.
Wow got called out on that one! The sneaky thing you hit the nail on the head. It’s not an intentional sneakyness..really helpful thank you. Was some confusion whether I was a four or a nine 💛
Terrific video
Obelix (of Asterix fame) is a self preservation 9.
I recently found your videos and could not stop smiling as I watched them because you described me so perfectly. I don’t even think I could come up with any of this during therapy
Wow, very impressive!! Thanks a lot for this info!! I often thought I was a 5, since I like to be alone regularly, sometimes also think: "Leave me alone, you buggers", and not being overly 'friendly', to be honest, or at least this is how I view myself. I am quite introverted, and trust my head over my feelings, even though people tell me that I should trust my feelings. I often end up thinking: 'Yeah, well, this is all very interesting, but my heart really doesn't know anything, so now you are telling me to trust my heart?? Are you kidding me?' Yet I don't feel like I need all the information, in order to be safe. And I do see all the views of others, far more clearly then I can see mine, as though those views are mine as well, and for the moment, when i am around these people, I really feel like these opinions, and views they are having, are mine!! They are mine, untill I am at home, alone, and I can start to think and feel again. Then I might disagree, and see other views.
I do have a tendency to put off important tasks, and dive into unimportant tasks, like the preservering type (which then looks like a 5, apparently). I do that mostly when I am stressed about the important task. It really annoys me that I do that. And you know what, every time I do those stressful tasks, I feel so great, and at peace!! Whole lot of stuff off my shoulders!!
I did not recognize myself that much of a social 9. I feel I am too individualistic for that.
But then you started talking about the sexual 9. That kind of fitted me. For as long as I remember, I wondered, 'Who am I? Who am I really? Do you know who I am? Will you tell me who I am? Because I don't know myself, but I guess you might?' I often try to find out who I am through the other, and am often wondering how the other percieves me, as I hope to find out more about me. Even though also in tests (which I either score high on 9, or 5) I never score high on a 4, since I don't think of me being emotional, this type seems to fit. And also, while listening to you explaining about the sexual 9, I feel emotions. Emotions of sadness, of a loss, and when you state that these 9's are on a quest to find themselves, through the eyes of another, that really kinda fits me. Because i always felt lost that way, and I really wanted to know the answer, hoping I would find it with the other. And also the sneaky part. I often like things, but I am afraid that it would cause discussion that i don't like, so i hide it, and do it very sneakily. But I don't think I am very 'kind', but I am always on a lookout for what others want, indeed.
Anyway, this is a far too long story, sorry for that, but I do have a hard time keeping writings short.
Thanks again for this video!!
Was nodding along with the self-preservation and social 9s, but the sexual 9 hit a little harder lol. I often find myself also taking on attributes from characters I like in TV shows, and using them to try and better understand myself
I feel like I go between all these, especially the self preservation and the sexual type nowadays. When you talked about the social type I felt so sad, because I felt that’s as a child and a teenager I was more of that one, trying to fit in but never really feeling as a part of the group. So now when I’m older I’ve just given that up, thinking I’m never going to be part of a group ever again and that’s why I’m nowadays more self preserving, and in that I am trying to find myself and discover who I am. I want to belong, but not by diminish myself anymore. I want to find out who I am finally, what my dreams and desires are, what I am carrying inside. I want to let my wall down and find what’s behind it, and then express myself to myself both creatively and externally. I’ve never felt like I belonged, and I let my external shape my identity. Now I’ve come to a point where I am so lost and so tired of this that all I want to do is sit with myself and get to know the Lisa I feel like I lost along the way. To see all the walls I built around myself through the eyes of other people. I wanted to feel peace around others but that just created a war within myself and now I want to pick myself up to finally feel the peace that I am.
(And I definitely use video gaming as a way to avoid uncomfortable things, and have done that for as long as I can remember. Last week my PC broke and a part of me is happy about that, because now I have an opportuniy look within instead of constantly running away)
Dude thank you, you helped me finally figure out I was a 9 after three years of knowing about the enneagram.
I am most certainly a self-preserving 9, but I also feel like in the past I may have been more of a sexual 9. But after enduring some trauma in the past, my self-preserving instinct took priority. I know that instincts are something that we all have within ourselves, which is how I am able to identify with all instincts because we're all human, and that each instinct has priorities, and for me as of now, it's SP -> SX -> SO. I think in the past it was something like SX >= SP -> SO. My mom (Type 5) has always said I was very tough, but she also said that I REALLY am good at imitating others, which in the past was my Type 8 older brother, and that she was really glad when my brother left the house (he's much older than me, 13 year gap), so she could get my brother's influence out of me. All in all, the more I learn, the more I'm convinced I'm a Type 9.
Really enjoyed and appreciated this. Not sure if it was just me (maybe because I'm a sexual 9) but it felt like you were very enthusiastic and emotional in this video, moreso than usual.
Being a sx 9 I think is hard because you are so easily aware of all these people around you putting on masks, and you don't have the heart to tell them that they're settling on a truth that is partial at best. And when you observe yourself you just see the same thing and think, maybe it's better not to wear a mask at all, since I can never "be" anything in a full sense (we'll always feel something is missing, like the 4). The ironic thing is, that's why we merge with others and are always at distance from ourselves. If we conceded that, as humans, not wearing a mask is not an option, then we might actually discover the energy and desire to shape ourselves in our own image. But I hate that, because it's like being told "you must be a person, you don't have a choice in the matter". I guess that's true, reading it in front of me now. But my gut reaction is still "yeah? Says who?" No authority feels absolute - not that of others, and certainly not our own. I think merging is our way of enabling ourselves to be ignorant of the larger truth that we feel inclined to live out of but that we feel is too overwhelming for us to understand
Thank you so much. I’ve realized a few months into learning about the enneagram that I am actually a sexual 9. Your videos are a very enjoyable part of my journey.
For a good example of a sexual 9-watch Kim in better call Saul-tragic sexual 9! I actually can identify a lot with the frustrations you can see in her barely under the surface in her relationship, and the way she just watches herself get lost in someone else-then rationalizes it. It’s too close to home so I can’t really put it into words. Breaking bad and better call Saul have excellent character development and I really recommend them for an enneagram study
James Cooper I’ve always said that about Breaking Bad! As a four I was enamored by the intricacies within each characters changes over the course of the show.
I thought I was a 2 for so long. It’s mostly because I have a servant heart. I didn’t think much about the stress that two’s go to, but I just contributed it to the fact that I never really fit in anywhere, lol. A friend recommended me to look at a nine type, and I realized that some things felt true to me. I didn’t understand sloth and peacemaker too much, until it was broken down into what that really means. I have ALWAYS taken on the things of the people I spend time with. I’m constantly looking up things on google like, “What should I feel if ____ happens.” I definitely feel more social nine/sexual nine. Also, I’m in college right now to become a counselor, how funny!
I'm the exact same! Mistyped as 2 as I always felt the need to do what others needed/wanted, but it didnt completely "click" for me, feels so good to finally type correctly and be able to learn more about myself as a 9!
you keep talking about how the type 9 is productive, but I'm not productive at all--I waste tons of time just laying in bed and I'm kind of unmotivated, withdrawn, and comfort seeking, and don't often meet my deadlines at work.
As I get older, I just want to escape and not be affected by the world and not have commitments or duties. I get lost in sadness and inertia, and the only reason I keep the job I have now is the workers union I'm in carries me. Also, my mom is the vice principal at the school I work at and she makes work problems go away, so I just do everything she says both in work and outside of work. She gets mad if I don't do what makes her happy and I try to not anger her.
My husband is definitely a self preservation 9w1. Every single thing you said is accurate. We have been together for a long time and I was attracted to him because he is so calm and stable. We both grew up in homes with a lot of yelling, swearing, putting people down, and we are both 9’s who are trying to do better for our kids but also not be afraid to deal with issues that arise. I have rarely heard him raise his voice, he can get along with anyone, but he says arguing (conflict) “is not worth it”, like there is nothing that is a big enough deal to get upset about 🧐 it is an interesting mindset
I can't stand procrastination in myself or anyone else. Get it done & out of the way 😊
Is it possible to go from social to self preservation? I feel like when I was younger I was more social and kinda gave up on trying to find friends/belonging and now lean towards SP.
My friends and family all assumed i was a 4 because of the fact my parents always always pushed me to be an outside thinker, to be special, not like the sheeple outsiders. And I had in turn totally adopted that personality. After 2 years of basically having "Think about others needs more, stop self pitying" thrown at me by the whole enneagram community. It destroying my self image of being selfless but also feeling urged to sit with the assigned expectations of a group and not changing the status quo. I finally realised i was a 9, 2 days ago. I thought i was just terribly wrong this whole time, I was too assertive with my needs but im so exhausted at this point that i just cried tears of joy watcing this. I dont care about anything to do with the 4 self image, i just wanted someone to tell me my needs matter. Im so elated that I dont care if I come off as annoying or dramatic at this point.
When you listen to this advice and analysis, but it's disturbing you= _Existential crisis_
My bestfriend is a sexual 9w1 . This made me cry. They truly are suffering and are in great need of connection
So, for about 7-8 years I was a social 9 (20-28) and then went through an extreme paradigm shift in my life where I was pushed to “find myself”. I was going through that phase that you do accurately described as, “they define themselves as the group.” It took a year or two to realize that I had lost myself and how destructive that was(28-30). Still trying to find myself, but it’s getting better. Now I feel like a self pres 9 through and through haha. I don’t have the energy to deal with being the team leader/cheerleader anymore.
Definitely a sexual/one on one 9, but my job these past couple years has forced me to work on the social and self-preserving aspects of myself; it's been a hard road, but I'm proud of how far I've come to where online quizzes call me Self-preserving, haha!
After watching this, I’m more confident in being a sx9 (I previously mistyped as a 4w3).
“Merging” for me would come with some kind of envy - if the person was more assertive, confident, stronger, etc. I would become envious and idealize those traits. I’ve noticed I can unconsciously take on aspects and speaking habits of people I’m close to, but not really to the point of losing myself (maybe because I use Fi)?
I’ve always been persistent in finding my identity, which is most likely why I’m interested in topics like MBTI and the Enneagram. Your description of the sx9 is the one I resonate with most, so, good job with this video
4:33 Just as you’re saying this I need to do my Uni assignment.
Can't stand thinking about priorities though! Fills me with dread haha.
It’s interesting because I’ve kind of already allowed myself to be typed as a two. I never really followed the enneagram but I do follow MBTI. Actually pretty much the whole reason I’ve fallen into personality types in the first place is because a friend of mine told me that they didn’t “feel like they knew who I was” and I should “speak more”. Something clicked and I started to really speak to myself more and basically followed every video that I came across about personality to a tee because I thought that oh I couldn’t possibly been mistyped. Which lead me even further than myself. I noticed as well that something was trapped deep inside and I started to grow depressed more and the seams started to strip away as I realized how important an identity is to me. Without one, it’s difficult to make deeper connections because most people who don’t truly know you won’t freely open up about themselves either. Though being a bystander in other peoples lives as well gives a gift of understanding of human nature. Though I still consider myself to be the “b-story” in everyone else’s lives. I did have a friend tell me recently that they thought I knew myself more than any of our other friends, which did in return feel good. Ultimately the one thing that I found over the last two years has been this… it’s okay to not know exactly who you are but if you go on a similar journey don’t be afraid to be different. Also, in the process you might have to burn your forest down a few times, that’s okay. If the enneagram teaches us anything (along with story telling) there’s things we believe in that prevent us from growing. Change comes from extinguishing those beliefs by examining them and understanding them. Comfort your demons, don’t ignore them.
'When they don't know what they want/need/feel/think, they have a hard time *expressing* that they don't know what they want/need/feel/think to other people.' BINGO !!!
"They may have been a little bit like Harry Potter, living under the stairs, never really belonging"- 33:11
This makes me so sad because I'm here to type another person close to me and this is sadly accurate for them, they were part of a family with 7 children and parents who never had much time to care about them as one of the youngest.
After watching this whole video, I'm sure that they are an ENFP 9 sx/so and a healthy one! :3
You just described me. 😆 I'm an ENFP 9. I don't know my sub type. I relate too much to too much of these.
Thank you Dr Tom, from a social 9 who still feels like she doesn't really belong to the group. Working on it every day 😁
Great content. I have been fond of enneagram since 1998. So far this is the best video explanation on Enneagram. I think I was a type 1 dominant before but now I’m a sexual type 9 dominant.
I prefer one by one relationships than a simultanous group relationship. I am sometimes guilty of innocently invading the bounderies of other people by my questions.
I try to know myself thru experimenting and trying things out if I like it or not. Usually its more challenging for me to know what I like but it is easier for me to know what I don’t like. So i use the process of elimination to slowly get to know myself better.
Sometimes I get an aha moment of what I really like then sometimes I forget it. Funny.
In times of conflict, I step out of my shell and become the referee - usually pointing out to both parties that they should accomodate each other perspective because they are equally right or equally wrong.
I also notice I have a natural gift in counseling and I also don’t get entangled because I instinctly know my bounderies on how my help should be positioned.
I enjoy enneagram so much because I enjoy understanding the psychology and perspective of people.
Thank you for this video. It gives my more clarity on who I am.
This was such a helpful video!!!
Initially, after some first assessments , I thought I was a nine, then got confused as I listened to your video about the subtypes of a 4. I resonated strongly with the self preservation 4.
BUT…then came the sexual 9! Oh my…EVERYTHING you said was spot on for me, especially the relationship to my father. It was as if you talked about me personally. I can say for sure now that this type matches me 100%.
Your videos are so incredibly inspiring and helpful. The book: enneagram for relationships just arrived and I am looking forward to dive in soon.
does ordering the same drinks in every restaurant a routine?
Hi, I've done a fair amount of research into personality testing and in regards to enneagram I relate to being a 9, a social 9 I would say after watching this video. Thanks, I have found this very inciteful!
Thanks for sharing!!
"What do you need to be doing?"
Me: Probably sleeping...
100% speaking to me about putting something big off 😬
This is so spot on it's scary! 😂 resilience is almost a life goal, routine,
Small comfort, anger, stubbornness, don't disturb me!! 9 w 8 yup that's me. And I'm ok with it!
That's awesome that you see yourself in the video! Keep being your true self!
i feel like I wasn't really ready to watch this but glad I did, thank you
Thank you for this video. My husband is I think a self pres nine. My son is a nine sx. Your video has helped me figure out what they are. I understand them both so much better now. Your channel is one of best enneagram channels on you tube.