Story one, honestly, while I'm going to say NAH, I'm also going to say he needs to leave her. Just flat out. People who have lifelong dreams aren't going to just completely give up on them. He should have seen this when she first said she wouldn't accept him getting a bike license and said "alright. I'm out, it's been real" and left her behind years ago.
I agree, but I also think it depends on the dream... Some just aren't meant to be realistic, but remain a nice fantasy (doesn't seem to be the case here though)
I’m leaning a little more towards to YTA myself, as OP said she’s in therapy frequently and doesn’t “feel like I’m pushing my trauma on others.” Yet she wants to ensure that her husband is far away from a deadly risk. The other extreme sports are a smoke screen, cause, while intense, they can be done extremely safely. She has a lot of unresolved trauma she isn’t processing correctly. T would be best they broke up though, so she can renew her attempts to heal herself, perhaps change therapist and he can get a Harley
Story 2:unpopular NTA. She’s not a kid, she’s 21. You tried to help her by offering her a job but she responded with ‘it’s my life,’ ‘I’m an adult,’ and ‘you’re not my real dad’. While I think that op can point her in the right direction, she needs to know that her actions her cutting off her family has consequences. Story Story 3: NTA. Like op said if a child does something bad or not do her homework they don’t get any awards like treats or tv time. For people saying that how can op’s parents expect a child to sit still and do their homework? Her teacher. The child support story: NTA. I don’t get the YTA comments. She’s buying the kid’s basic needs, so what she’s not getting the kid the trendiest clothes he’s four. She’s putting the rest of the money in a rainy day fund, like if she’s fired from her job and needs to take care of her son, or if she or her son gets in an accident and needs to pay the medical bills or she can’t work for a while.
21?! Why do they keep saying shes young? Yes in the long run she is young but she is a grown woman, She said herself you are not my real dad, whos to say she won't backstab again?
@@midnightsuns4666 I think comments are focusing on her child. Like they want op to take in the child while the daughter gets her act together. Again op can point her in the right direction but him can’t drag her kicking and screaming then she’ll double down.
@@eli3568if you can legally buy alcohol, vape, cigarettes, cigars, guns, and enroll in the military then you are old enough to know not to sleep with the same dude multiple times because he’s not trust worthy. You’re also old enough to know not to tell your step dad he’s not your real dad and then expect financial help when you screw up again. You don’t get to hurt people then expect them to still be there with a helping hand when you need them, no matter your age or how other people perceive you
Shocked at all the YTA at the pregnant stepdaughter one, she is a grown woman who made the same mistake TWICE! She’s not OPs responsibility and she seems like a nasty person, she will not learn by being coddled but by facing the consequences of her own actions. She’s an adult.
She not only refused help twice, but also threw the fact that the OP isn’t her “real” dad in his face, yet then when she decides she wants his help suddenly he’s her dad again. Make up your mind girl! You can’t tell him he isn’t your dad and to stay out of your business, then get pissed when he does exactly that!
@@m4r194 you are legally an adult at 18, if you think people under 25 can’t be held responsible for their actions that’s on you, but i strongly disagree. She is not a child, she’s an adult.
"who gives a six year old homework" How stupid could you be. That, "I guess her teacher", comment was spot on hilarious But seriously yeah, just because siblings are raised together doesn't mean they are motivated by the same thing. I am lazy, VERY lazy. As a kid my mom gave allowance, my brother was very motivated by money, I was not. I didn't even want things, I'd just needed a library card and a warm bed. However I loved school and so my grades were better then his because I was motivated by my curiosity and he wasn't. Was I upset for not getting a new video game when I got good grades, no, because my reward was learning. Now if I didn't like learning I'd have probably been a huge brat like OPs sister because you could not get me to do housework for anything and my brother complained about doing all the housework. He got paid to do housework, I could not be motivated to do it and so yeah, I was a little shit who didn't clean her room probably ever. Now I'm an adult living on my home and I still struggle to keep my house clean. I accept this is the hell of my own making, and I have not stopped loving learning and sleeping as my two main hobbies.my brother has not stopped loving money and stuff. If the sister is only motivated by by punishment she needs to get her ish together because the world's gonna punish her way worse then her parents. Hopefully she stops victimizing herself and does something about it.
@@ptaradactletime11? Define formal. Because educating at a young age is critical. If you mean sitting at desks all day, then I'd agree. But, there are many ways to teach that are appropriate, effective and very beneficial for young children.
@@ptaradactletime11 while I agree school isn't necessarily necessary, I think that's mostly how school is structured and what is taught. Before the age of learning things on the internet, schools main job is to prepare for factory jobs and fill ling the youth with government propaganda like how every thankgiving we celebrate the "friendship" between the settlers and the native Americans. Or how we honor Christopher Columbus by ditching school so we don't have to learn the real truth of what a monster he was. However, if we focused early schooling on less "educational" propaganda and rigidity and focused more on social skills that encourage learning behaviour. Like I don't remember a single group project as a kid but there was a lot in middle and high school and I feel like more kids would know how to act in a group setting if they did more group activities younger. Also more language classes, we acknowledge that Dora the explorer and Sagwa are great for kids brains but no one bothers actually trying to teach basic foreign languages to students when every other foreign government has kids learning their language at home and English in first grade. It's not always the best English and they might forget bits of it when they grow up but they can more accurately hold a conversation in English then we could in their language. Also, the fact that many public education facilities have next to no clubs, extra curricular activities, or programs to help kids discover what they want to do when they grow up despite always asking and expecting them to know in highschool. No wander everyone wants to be an influencer now, the only thing they've actually been taught is that just like you hate school your going to hate your job unless you become a celebrity whose job it is to never look like they are working.
What Cassis doesn't and others don't understand is that different parenting methods work on different kids even within the same family! Some kids respond to rewards, others to punishment, with me yelling worked! Kids are people and what traumatizes one person won't phase another!
Story 1: They aren't compatible. If she wants to leave over a hobby/passion the husband has I say hold the door open for her as she leaves. Ultimatums are a stupid game, so prepare to win a stupid prize.
So let's just bypass the fact she told him from the beginning bikes are a hard line so let's end it here since it was still early in the relationship and HE DECIDED TO STAY😂😂 one thing I do agree with you on is SHE should open the door for him,he knows her boundaries and he just feels since she's emotionally invested in him now he can cross them.
Rotten Cassie story - that is my youngest brother's story. The house stayed in an uproar because of him and his behavior. We got a shared 20% of the time while he got 80% of the time devoted to him and his bad behavior. We still resent him years later and none of us have a relationship with him.
NTA it's been 2,5 years my best friends husband died in a motorcycle accident. Father of two small children. He was carefull...he had his first motorbike when he was 15...very very nice person, good driver, responsable in every area of his life...but...that day he got up early just to turn one round, it was sommer and a holiday...my best friend got up later and started to prepare for breakfast...children were up...they waited...she called...then the police came...and it was clear written im their faces...please don't ride a motorbike if you have wife and children. They cope, the three of them...but it is so hard...they feel it every day.
Mom saving child support. Its her kid, raising how she sees fit. She has her own lifestyle, parenting style, and has to deal with the consequences of spoiling kid. Dad can spoil kid at his own house.
But it's not her money and the dad seems like a guy who's really well off. What is she saving for then? The kid probably has their future set in stone so it's just some childhood trauma from her mother that she has to keep every penny she gets to.
It's so odd to me that reddit tells children to drop parents over the slightest thing, while parents or even step parents should put up with years upon years of crap.
Children dont have a choice. Children have to have parents. Parents do have a choice. Parents never had to have a child if they didnt want them. If you have a child, you are a parent for LIFE. Parenting is not just an 18 year job, and if you think that, dont have children.
@@fantasystaplesuwu1554 A. I have a child. B. I agree that it's not an 18 year commitment. C. You are absolutely wrong. Being the child in a relationship does not give you any right to be an awful, toxic person. A parent does not have to put up with that crap. If you think they do, you shouldn't have kids... well, I guess go ahead, and if they're awful, guess you put up with it till you die.
@@brandonshelp4682 your job as a parent is to raise them to be good people. If you raised them to be toxic like this, you failed completely as a parent and deserve to bear the consequences. No excuses. Shame on you, and I hope your child's mother is a much better rolemodel than you.
OP’s definitely the AH for expecting her brother give her 20,000 for her wedding.. that’s ridiculous! She’s living with a man, has his child, and wants a big wedding SHE can’t afford! Just get married and save the money for future expenses!
My sister got married to her spouse in a local park with a cute little gazebo, a leaf-strewn concrete stage, wearing a dress she found at a high-end thrift shop and there were like 15 people in attendance total. It was honestly one of the most beautiful and sweet weddings I've ever attended and that was mostly because it was their celebration of their relationship and taking the next steps together in life. Idk exactly how much they spent, but I'm willing to bet it was maybe $1-2k max (including honeymoon). Spending a fuckton on a wedding doesn't mean anything.
@@khaleesireyna731 Exactly.. you can have a beautiful wedding without being ridiculous and lavish.. especially with marriages barely lasting until the ink on the license is dry..
Exactly it’s “I don’t need it for our every day expenses so I’m putting in in a just in case fund.” And then they’re called TA. Bet you anything if there’s an update stating that the ex got cut off and they’re now having to dip into that just in case fund nobody calling her TA in that post would bat an eye
Stepfathers ARE real dad's! My BFF has a wonderful stepdad that loved her and her bro their whole lives. Treated the the same as their half siblings and walked her down the isle.
Child support/living cheaply story: People screaming about her not spending all the child support on the kiddo obviously have no idea what being a single parent is like. These are the same people who say idiotic crap like “child support should be put on a card that can only be used on the child”
Had the same situation with my baby daddy. He wanted to get a motorcycle. I just told him ok, he could get one as soon as he got life insurance of at least 150,000 or more. When he asked why I told him when he dies he will at least help out his children. He didn't get a motorcycle.
I don't think the dad that took the baby is the asshole. I also don't think the mom who is obviously suffering from post-partum is the asshole either. I think this is a problem with the ideology around pregnancy and birth. Many women see admitting to post-partum as a failure, as there isn't a lot of discussion about how common it is, and then social media with all the seemingly perfect happy experiences can exasperate the problem. I think hospitals should educate families about the signs of post-partum, along with normalizing the partner going to post pregnancy appointments with the obgyn so partners can weigh in on problems too. This is their first baby, and he probably only understands post-partum to whatever definition Google gave him. She probably doesn't even realize how out of control she is. I hope this family got the support they desperately needed.
The bad sister sounds like the opposite of the spoiled child. Instead of doing as the kid want they get punished. While it is still possible that this is a black sheep situation it might also be that the sister really is a "badly behaved kid" and the punishment's are way better than spoiling the child to keep her happy.
Seriously..... is the child being taken care of? She isn't raising him like a spoiled brat, but is still providing for his needs? She's doing fine. She is potentially raising a smart child who will know how to budget, and also know that he doesn't need designer clothes to be happy.
No one knows what the future holds. This mother is being smart about her child's future. Father could lose everything and that will end the 'supposed' college fund. The father could remarry and the second wife decide his first son doesn't get anything. Many many things could happen.
@@Old_Red exactly. Saving for a rainy day when all of a sudden your child has severe medical needs, or saving for his future. She isn't depriving him of anything, and she is also not spending the money on herself. Why is that a problem?
Little sister story ... Cassie may be neurodivergent... ADHD, Autism, etc is harder/ less likely to be diagnosed/ recognized in females,... I was a lot like that as a kid/teen/early adult.... Turns out I'm Autistic
That's what I was thinking, too. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 26 years old. The last 20-ish years of my life made total sense after that. Even if Cassie's not neurodivergent, there's something up there. We as humans are social creatures. We want to fit in. Cassie's extreme unwillingness to do what she's told to isn't normal (Not being dragged on that long, at least) and OP even admitted that therapy was limited in their country. Really, the whole family failed here. There needed to be more constructive conversation around Cassie's behavior (with Cassie involved) to highlight that she's not being singled out, but that she's suffering the consequences of her actions. Instead, the family pushed one way, Cassie pushed the other, they all got angrier/more resentful and we're where we're at now, which is sad. Also, I just want to say that OP might not be super objective either. There are tons of kids out there who, when they're not the scapegoat, will bend over backwards to justify how the scapegoat definitely deserved that punishment and they're just being stubborn and the parents had to discipline them and there was no dysfunction. It's easier for families to pin it all on the scapegoat than to admit that there's anything unfair going on. We don't know for sure if Cassie is the scapegoat in her family, but idk, it's just not normal for a kid to be THAT stubborn for YEARS in a functional family. And honestly, the amount of dislike that OP has for her sister is kinda alarming to me, especially since there's nothing specifically between OP and Cassie, just overall family tension. Like the way OP talks about her just made me feel like they'd learned a long time ago to be dismissive of Cassie because she gave the parents a hard time and I feel like that's something the parents would've fostered, rather than something that cropped up between siblings. I'll admit that I might be reading too much into it, but idk, it just sets my spidey sense off. That said, it IS OPs wedding and they can invite whoever they want, so NTA there... I just feel like there's more dysfunction to this family than OP is likely to admit to and its easier for Cassie to be the scapegoat than to admit deeper issues in the family...
@@khaleesireyna731 I only realised I'm still my families scapegoat (after years away) and I really relate to Cassie, and know I'm seen similarly. I had undiagnosed ADHD, Autism, as well as untreated childhood trauma (that's now C-PTSD. yaaay.) When I was 11 my mum said my recently deceased grandfather came to her in a dream to tell her if she didn't do something I'd never understand love. I was a child of divorce while my bro wasn't. Since he was 4 her and her sis were whispering in his ear about how bad I am, and to not be like me (I heard this). There's so much OP hasn't seen, and so much OP was told by the parents they won't be able to see, even if the estranged sister holds some blame in all of this (even though she was a child for most of this)
But I highly doubt several specialists who have probably diagnosed female children would have missed it. 1 missing it sure, but several saying she’s fine means she’s fine and doesn’t have an excuse to be a brat she can lean back on.
Story 1 has an update. TLDR "The problem turned out to be a friend problem and not a relationship problem. Friends are gone, counselling is underway, things are looking good." Husband has shitty friends who continued teasing him even after he packed up and left their house. They both apologized to each other.
Thank you!! I wondered if there was an update. Husband sounds like an even bigger AH since he was letting his friends manipulate him into throwing a tantrum and torpedoing his own marriage. She made this clear to him right from the beginning and he was okay with it. If he wants to change his mind then it’s over. Same thing as someone saying upfront that they never want kids. After 6 years partner can’t turn around and unilaterally change the relationship.
Screw all that get a bike. If she wants to leave hold the door for her. Six years is too long to be without an open road and 80 cubic inches of Detroit steel with the wind in your hair and metal (or your riding music of choice) in the headphones. Don't worry about the woman, a new one generally comes along pretty quickly with a good bike. Seriously any of you high school or collage age guys, one of these will get you more attention from women than any car. This ain't a friend problem, this is a woman problem. She better be bringing a whole fuckton to the table to make it worth sacrificing your bike. We are talking nymphomaniac, 4 star chef, billionaire heiress, owner of a Ferrari dealership here. Much less than that and she ain't worth it.
I don’t think this is an AITA situation, just a heartbreaking one for the couple. Yeah, it sucks you can’t ride, but it also sucks to raise small kids on your own b/c your spouse died from injuries from a bike accident.
Story1: NTA. OP was very clear about her boundary from day 1. Frankly her then-bf was a fool to have agreed to that, sh*t-test failed. Fast forward today, if he wanted to try and re-negotiate that boundary, they could have talked like adults. Instead he threw a pre-emptive tantrum. Pathetic! Unfortunately their marriage is over, there's no backing down from what they both said. If they stay together, they'll just be bitter and miserable. Just end it and move on.
It's not really a boundary if it surrounds someone else's behavior and it's really disingenuous for OP to call it that. A boundary would be if OP said she'd never ride a motorcycle. She can say "I don't want to be with someone who rides a motorcycle" and that's fair (which she did and husband made his choice), but it's not a boundary when you're dictating someone else's behavior.
Oh fucking gag me if the gender is first all the people saying that she's not being controlling but be calling her a controlling bastard congratulations to him on finally Manning up and getting from under her childish issues
Yeah it is pretty pathetic on her part. Because there are many other things in life you are more likely to die from than a motorcycle. Such as the flu or simply going up and down stairs. Unless OP forces her husband to carry a helmet with him everytime he encounters stairs, this isn't about her concern for him. This is about her having the power to tell him no and her being upset when it didn't work
she is being completely over controlling, she can make the agreement that she cant ever be near motorcycles based on past trauma. but she cannot force her husband to never ride a bike even when he is completely out of her range, thats unfair.
“Threw a tantrum” from the girl who decided she’ll throw away her entire relationship because the dude gets on a bike. I think she’s a Karen who needs to get over herself and let people be people. Imagine if he said he’ll break up with her if she ever puts on make up lol.
Story 2: NTA YOU CAN'T SAVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE SAVED. Clearly talk is cheap for the daughter. One minute "You're not my real Dad!" and she cuts contact and then she wants something and when her manipulation fails she gets spiteful by taking it social media. This is not a person ready to accept help, just a woman who wants people to do as THEY want and not say a word against them. Enabling this behaviour by taking her in would not help in any way because she's not capable of receiving help graciously as she unfortunately feels entitled to it. Family is irrelevant here, she needs to understand that in the real world you reap what you sow. Some people need a reality check harder than others. It's horrible that a baby is now involved in this mess, but I doubt she'd be capable of caring for it any way and it would no doubt be taken off her. She refuses to listen to reason and is still to stubborn and full of pride and she's a grown woman, the outlook is not good here and I honestly expect the baby would have been dumped on OP while she went out making more bad decisions. I watched a family member go through this. She was 33 years old before she finally had an epiphany and started working on changing her behaviour, but it was a LONG road to change. Taking her in had just resulted in fights and her leaving again and making more bad decisions. Sorry for this long rambling speech and take care all❤
The “black sheep” one: NTA. Also 6 years old is pre-k and I had homework in pre-k. It’s literally arts and crafts and learn your abcs and 123s. Not hard. Also, her behavior wasn’t just bad at 6, it was bad her entire life. There’s only so much you can put up with from anyone to where you just give up on them. And OP has every right to only invite people she likes and wants at her wedding to her wedding.
Once you lose some good friends to bike accidents, the picture will change completely. One young man who was a very experienced bike rider and careful, responsible etc, was coming home to his fiance. Coming around a corner, he slid out in an unseen puddle, lost control and shot under a truck. If he could not save his own life, by taking so much care, how about a new inexperienced rider, cranky at his wife. A young man riding through town had a lady open her car door without looking, she collected his bike, lost her door and he lost a leg. Another man I knew loved his bike so much, but when he stopped for a road sign, and put his feet down to keep upright, one foot only found a deep hole. The bike fell on his leg and trapped him. He needed help to get out and to pick up the bike, he decided on his own, it really wasn't worth the risks and sold his bike. This man knows why his SO why is against bikes, is he so arrogant he cannot learn from other people's tragedies? No, not everyone dies at this, but the possibility is ever present, one moment of innattention or a misplaced animal, or even an insect can easily cause disaster. There are no solid defences around a bike. My brothers were very interested in racing, motorised carts, very low to the ground, were seen as very safe, so they bought one and started racing. A few other drivers crashed and were hurt then an up and coming driver, winning a name for himself with parental support, crashed and died. My brothers sold the cart. Young Cassie sounds autistic, like her brain does not work like others, so she cannot get that her life is cause and effect. This is very hard to diagnose properly, but if as it sounds, she really doesn't understand any of her families reasoning, it has to be a possibility. A high functioning asbergers patient is hard to spot in a crowd. Maybe try a few specialists? The 4 year old with a wealthy parent, if the child has an emergency, or if the dad gets angry and tries to force the mum to comply by wielding his money at her, or even if simply because life is uncertain at best, there is always good reason to be careful about money. If the dad wants his son to have sporting equipment, there is nothing stopping him from buying it. He has no real say, he gets to make his own choices, she is perfectly within her rights to make her own, all he can really do is give suggestions and reasons, unless she is putting the child in danger.
1st Story - One of the problems with ultimatums is that they're a zero sum game and you have to be prepared for the consequences if your bluff gets called. Another is that once you've given one in a relationship you've taken all of the power away from the other person and given them a major reason to resent you and your dictatorial ways. No one ever appreciates being strong armed.
People change over time and while the husband thought he would be okay with no bikes, but 6 years is a long time. When all your friends go on something fun you like, you will want to go. He wasn't trying to force OP to go with them. Either way, marriage is over. Once you start throwing ultimatums out, 90% of the time the relationship is over. Looks like bikes ruined another relationship for OP.
@@jonswa Yeah, I'm sure he was expecting her to change over time. And the point is not whether or not Op went with him. And sure, if 'hey, my dealbreaker from way before we were married is still my dealbreaker today' is a ultimatum, then so be it.
Right. Like wtf else was he supposed to being literally refused any time to bond with his own child? And the MIL is an idiot. Wife needs professional help ASAP
The irony of people who said “they wouldn’t be caught dead in a cheap hotel” accusing someone staying in said cheap hotel of thinking they are too good for them.
S1: YTA. While I understand the trauma and he did choose to stay in the relationship, I do not count this as a boundary. I personally believe this is very controlling. As long as your partner agrees to be safe as possible, he should be free to pursue different hobbies. You shouldn't stop your partner from doing what they want because of your trauma. S2: NTA. Funny how OP isn't a "real dad" until he cuts her off. Why do Redditors want OP to cut off his spine and support a daughter like this?
It has traumatic associations plus how often is he likely to go sky diving versus riding a bike. To be fair the chances of him being severely injured or killed on a bike is quite high - even a “minor” accident can cause life changing injuries. I worked in an orthopaedic ward which was 1/3 full of young guys in months of traction/debilitating injuries
Ahh yes sky diving is more safe then a upgraded bicycle even tho with sky diving you have the chance to become either a human pancake or gods next slushy but hey the wife is aloud to say no bikes switch the genders and the world goes ape shit😂
Not just men. My husband's ex is like that. She would send my stepson for visits in dirty clothes with holes in them at the same time she bought herself a piano. My poor little stepson wasn't stupid, he knew what she was doing. Decades later, her other son has gone no contact and my stepson is very low contact with her.
I would never allow my ex to come over and decorate my son's room (including painting the walls) in my own house. ? How freaking wierd - ex can decorate his room in their house. The commenters tore dad apart, but he's not 'keeping him from his mom', son is with her 50% of the time.
Honestly the story about the sister sounds like she might have Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ODD.. About the story about living cheaply the kid is 4 years old he doesn't need expensive things and this will teach him that just because something is expensive doesn't mean its good and also that you don't need to have expensive things. Also for the comments that were made about how its not her money umm its money to help support the child which includes food, shelter and clothing which I am sure the mother does provide and nothing wrong with putting money away for a rainy day. that story about asking the brother to help with the wedding cost I recall hearing the same story but from the brothers side on AITA
Your ex is mad because you walk back and forth with your 4-year-old to and from school. You give your child an hours worth of f****** physical exercise which isn't a bad thing. It's time you get to spend with your child. You get to figure out his day you get to sit there and talk with him and you get to chill with it. No your ex is being ridiculous and the fact that you're saving money for a rainy day in case of an emergency is a smart thing. Like I don't blame you kids don't need f****** a buttload of toys or f****** car or this or that especially when it's a 30 minute walk to school. Like if you lived more than 2 miles from your school I'd understand needing a car especially if your school system doesn't have a busing system or they charge you money for it that you can't afford. It's stupid.
The OP whose not-planning-ahead family is now trying to force her to let them use her room: absolutely NOT the AH, lol at her family 😂 Good for her for having both foresight and a spine ❤️ And what a wonderful outcome in the end ❤️❤️❤️
The best decision I’ve made for my husband is not standing in his way. He asked me if he can take the M1 class and I told him he’ll have to take at least 3 classes to improve skill or no dice. I buy him great gear cuz if he is gonna be at such risk, he’s at least going to be as protected as he can be given the situation. He ALWAYS wears full gear. Compromise. Riding is his therapy and mental wellness matters. His interests matter.
Lots of people are saying that the first OP is being controlling, but this has been a foundational rule of their relationship from the first month. OP isn't trying to prevent her husband from doing things he enjoys because she wants to control him, she's stating that due to past experiences, she will never be comfortable with him going on bikes. He agreed to this by continuing with the relationship. He absolutely has the right to decide that he would rather be able to bike, but then he has to accept that he is breaking the agreement they had for their relationship.
That's valid, but OP needs to stand by her hard line, then. Her post makes it sound more like "if he gives up the bike, then we're good" which is controlling. If I have a hard line boundary around hard drug usage (like I will not date someone who uses hard drugs at all), then if I find out my partner wants to do coke, I'm out. I walk. Simple as that and it wouldn't be "if you do coke, you'll come home to an empty house". It would be, "you know my boundaries on hard drug usage." That's it. They choose to do it, I'm out. We already talked about it, so you already know. OP dropping the ultimatum turns a reasonable boundary into something a bit more manipulative. That said, husband is still an ass and I think his boys have started to dictate how he should feel and how he should dismiss his wife's boundaries.
@@khaleesireyna731 OP is standing by her hard line, by reminding her husband of the consequences of him breaking the boundary she set. Enforcing a boundary does not mean she has to immediately leave and cut all contact. And also, it was an ultimatum from the beginning, just with a different name. "If you ride motorcycles I will not be in this relationship" has always been the rule here. She's just directly stating it here. Ultimatums can be misused, but they're essentially just what you are and are not willing to accept. And I'd argue that they're more reasonable than just leaving, because they offer the other person a choice in the situation.
She was honest with him from the start. He should've left then. He possibly thought, like other fools, he can change her mind despite the fact that she lost several people to bikes. He's choosing the bike over her and she has every right to choose herself over this relationship. His riding is just going to fill her with more anxiety and dread. Are his buddies going to be providing medical care for him if he gets into a really bad accident or does he assume she would do it? He wants to take the risk and that's on him.
2nd Story, my answer probably will not be popular but NTA. Regardless of what others think of this situation, this is strictly about her. IMHO she does not give a flying fig about the child she is carrying, she made that abundantly apparent the first time OP offered to help her and she pretty much told him to bugger off and aborted her first so she could continue to live her reckless lifestyle. The only thing that sounds like has changed now from her previous circumstance is that she is homeless. She is using her unborn child to throw a pity party in hopes of getting financial support and a roof over her head from OP. If she does decide to have this child, hopefully OP's wife and himself file for custody because the way she is going now she is not capable of being a parent. She has a lot of growing up to do. Also one of the other stories with OP saving some of the child support money they receive from their ex and living frugally. I sometimes have to wonder if some of the commenters on reddit just leave their brains in the kitchen sink along with their common sense on occasion. It is not just about the money people, it is about raising a child properly to appreciate what they have regardless of how well off his family is. You do this by leading by example.14 years from now when OP's son turns 18 what kind of human being would you prefer to see enter society. A respectful responsible adult who is happy with the simple things regardless of his wealth and education, knows the value of money and how it must be earned or a entitled adult who thinks the world owes him because he has had everything he wants just handed to him since childhood?
Story 2: NTA the little brat decided to lash out when u were looking out for her best interests and so u respected her wishes and when things blew up as expected she comes crying for help only to be stonewalled by her own actions.
Seriously, family or not just how many times are you supposed to get pushed away before you give up. What is it reddit likes to preach again? "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" Yeah we were all different and probably shitty humans at 21. However, even at 21 I know I damn sure wouldn't have shacked up with a junkie with a criminal record or start turning tricks and my father was straight up abusive so where I can see people react to trauma differently, she has a huge support system from both parents and this doesn't sound like a scenario where she got into this world because of "trauma" or something like that. It seems he tried so hard to help and get her to turn everything around before she dug herself in deeper only to get spat on every time. I know I would have killed for a father like that. And I'm all for genuine second chances but this she isn't saying "I got myself here, I want to turn it around and I was wrong", no, this is and "I need something and I have nowhere else to turn because of my own actions even though it's not my fault".
I say story 2 is a soft ESH on OPs part. The daughter is a major Ahole and a dumbass to boot. Like, honey, he's relapsed, gotten you pregnant and abandoned you twice. Love yourself enough to demand a better partner (that better partner being someone else). OPs a slight ahole for throwing what she said at him back at her in what really seems more of a "kick you while you're already down" type of thing (and honestly, his tone in the entire post just seemed... idk kinda off. Like sorta condescending. Like when he said "Now do you want my help" it may have come off as "You're hella inept and need people like ME to guide you, so will you listen now". No matter how right you are in that assertion, it doesn't make people want to actually listen to you. Also, slight side-eye at how he talked about her job. I'm just not for dismissing and looking down on sex work and sex workers and OP sounded really condescending there. Meanwhile we've legit seen reddit stories of sex workers who bought their own houses outright from their income. Sex work is work. That said, daughter is still the bigger TA in that. Maybe it's just because I'm going through some stuff the last several years that has ended with me cutting off all of my family, but if you cut someone off, don't ask them for help. But still, ESH.
That girl was 100% clear about no bikes from the start and if bikes are suddenly that important to the guy after agreeing to it from the start then yeah it’s time to find other people
When you decide to give up a dream for a relationship you don't get to years down-the-line back track it. The OP set her boundary from the very beginning and told him he can go ahead and go. He put that ring on her finger knowing that this was a condition. Sometimes we can't get over trauma triggers no matter how many years of therapy
You do not get to set a boundary on someone else. The OP in story one is many things the nicest of which I can say is a bad person. Your trauma is your problem and you are responsible for dealing with it. It isn't okay that she basically says she gets to dictate the terms of the relationship 100% because if he ever does something that goes against her wants or desires she will leave. She can say she's being "honest" (which is just the pathetic white girl battle cry when they are being the definition of a dumb bitch) all she wants, but it isn't "honest" it's fucking manipulative. The best case scenario in this relationship is he leaves and then she gets the tar kicked out of her by random muggers on the street.
Seriously don't get that people are ignoring how controlling she's being. If you had a boundary like that it would have to be I wouldn't marry anybody who's interested in motorcycles. Not make my significant other never ride a motorcycle. Side note something that really irritates me. Just because you call something a boundary doesn't make it acceptable.
Nta. I've had a cousin like that. You either had to deal with them screaming and throwing fits for everything from doing homework to them picking up their own mess. Or do it for them. Which makes them lazy aholes. Cassie is an entitled brat and wasnt mistreated. She just wasnt rewarded for bad behavior. Also you can invite whomever you want to your wedding
Pregnant Step-daughter: No vote here. This is too complex to judge without a ton more information. Letting the step-daughter eat the karma of her past abuse of OP might or might not be the right choice. Maybe he's concerned her profession and unstable nature will endanger him and her mom. This is just speculation, but what is NOT speculation is the way she treated OP. Being a step-parent is a crap job. You have all of the responsibilities and duties, but none of the authority of a bio-parent. I could only imagine how it would be to raise a child and then have them tell me I'm not their parent and to go pound sand. Some heartbreaks fundamentally change who we are. Sometimes huge changes can occur in an instant. Maybe this has been a pattern of behavior and OP has finally given up. Trying to be her father all her life, just to be demeaned like this... most people eventually reach a breaking point. Some go numb for awhile or longer. It might well be that OP genuinely doesn't feel much concern for his step-daughter right now. Depending on how badly he's been hurt, he might not be able to. None of this means it's a good call to leave her on the streets, broke and pregnant. That still concerns me. I get it that karma is biting her and things have gone precisely as OP told her they would, and in a purely objective context OP is well within his rights to refuse to help. But this isn't an objective context. It's the girl he raised, damaged and hateful or not, and she needs assistance now. If she's an active danger I could support OP's refusal. I can even empathize that he feels unable to offer any help, because he's tired of giving his heart only to be stomped on. But there are times when you have to eat pain and rejection to help someone who isn't really in their right mind or is just in dire need.
Child support story Not enough to the story to decide. Is the mom putting any of the child support towards rent, bills and groceries or does mom have/make enough and just pays it all with her money? What does she mean when they go to store and he gets a cheap toy how often are they going to store and is it cheap like .99 cents or $20 -$50 toy???? How much is put in rainy day fund? Just because the dad says future is covered doesn't mean much right now, it's years away and a lot could happen. Not enough to the story to decide
OP NTA. You have told him from the start of dating that motorcycles was a no and he knew why (your reason is 100% reasonable) even told him that if he wants one, u guys needed to break up. HE made the choice to stay and marry you. He knew that being with you meant no life with a motorcycle. Truly I don't thibk he has a right to be all upset and resentful when he knew this for such a long time. He wasted op and his own time and money if he had wanted a motorcycle all this time.
People are dangerous, bikes just have less safety features. Driving while distracted or while intoxicated is deadly, often for more than just the driver.
And you know what's more dangerous and causes far more deaths per year: stairs. Unless OP makes her husband carry a helmet for whenever he encounters stairs I don't buy her logic in the slightest.
@@jessicadias5014 Well, until you have to bury a loved one after a bike wreck, or explain to them why they lost an arm, and are paralyzed for life, like my exFIL, you're never going to get it. More people may get injuries from stairs, but they're usually easier to patch up than an injury that occurs at high speeds, usually involving other vehicles. You're really sheltered if you can't tell the difference.
@@pansprayers if you're a biker who rides every single day, yeah statistically you're setting yourself up to get hurt because of just how often motor vehicle crashes happen. Almost every single person who had driven a car has been in a car crash. Now, the chances of getting into an accident when you aren't driving are zero. If the husband was to only ride a bike for this one occasion chances of anything happening are low. And yes I do have family that have been in bike wrecks. My dad is one of them he broke his pelvis and almost didn't make it. He never rode again but his sister and her husband still do. It's a person's individual choice. Plus since he's not a regular rider he might find riding out in the cold air for hours at a time on a bike trip actually takes a lot out of you and it's very possible if he did go he would cop out the first day, lose his interest in riding and everyone would be happy.
Lemme get this straight… your roommate breaks your trust by going into YOUR space, took your underwear to wear, and you’re concerned about HIS feelings!?!? My gosh we live in a 🤡 world! That’s called a pervert! Call the police!
2nd Story NTA !!!!! This is a classic case of "Don't let your 🐊mouth write a check your ass can't cash" . I'm an adult , you're not my father. Ok say less. Surprised Pikachu face when consequences kick you in the ass. C'est La Vie .
Nta. The hotel won't allow that many ppl in one room. They essentially want to quadruple the amount of ppl staying in a single room. It is a safety and fire hazard. Tell them they should try Airbnb
Story 2: I find it hilarious people on Reddit tried to push aside what the daughter did just because that’s his “daughter” but if it were an abusive parent Reddit wouldn’t be saying they should still take care of them just because that’s there parents
I had sympathy with the lady since she made it clear at the beginning that riding was a deal breaker until she mentioned sky diving. If she is ok with sky diving and not with riding then this is about unresolved psychological issues. Having said that, she was honest about this from the beginning. I personally feel like one should not live around someone elses Trauma but, looks like he agreed to doing this from the get go.
Skydiving is a less causative activity than riding a motorcycle. That's just logic. Skydiving isn't something that involves an untold number of other people on the road who don't see you, who are driving vehicles that weigh 100x's more than you, have airbags, and four wheels. Don't believe me? Go ask your local ER how many skydiving accidents they've seen in the last year Vs bike accidents.
@@TangomanX2008 there are 0.39 skydiving deaths per 100,000 jumps. That’s 0.00039%. 14% of motorcyclists die in accidents. That’s around a 2000% increase in deaths. There were 3.9 million skydives in 2019 and 15 deaths. There were 19 deaths in 2012. That’s a 21% decrease. Motorcycle deaths have been increasing every year. There is no comparison here
Who ever said that no there are some kids who just refuse to do things could they have done so maybe some therapy maybe but if she's not gonna do it they didn't want to put their hands on her they did what they could
Story 2: NTAH- Step Dad is exactly right to keep daughter at a distance due to her bad choices and bad attitude toward him. Seems a lot like tough love to me to keep her out of your house so that she is forced to figure out that her choices were terrible and dangerous for herself and her children. She's an adult and needs to go to a shelter or CPS like other adults who get themselves into bad situations or who meet up with bad luck. CPS would be a great call to make, now since the daughters first child was raised around a drug abuser and lowlife that dumped a pregnant woman. Not a great example to set for kids, alongside that of being in the sex industry.
Story1: NTA OP a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. It must not be a reasonable thing to others. OP's husband knew about this dealbreaker from the first month. He knew it's her or biking. He was informed why it's a big deal. He said OK and then suddenly after six years he changes his mind and does the surprised pikachuface when she says he can do it but she will leave him. She did not state a false ultimatum but a fact and is sorry how it came across but stands by it. She reacted poorly, but hey, he basicaly jumpscared her with her trauma she is in theraphie for. After loosing six people the same traumatic way there is only so much therapie can do. He seems to care more about gooing biking with the buddies and living his dream than his wife beeing afraid of reliving her trauma and beeing afraid he'll die every time he rides that bike.
my complaint about the first story is how people would do a 180 if op was a man saying that his so would never be allowed to do something because "reasons", poeple would be screaming bloody murder and manipulative abuser, as well as point out the 39732964932740 red flags they noticed since the first word was spoken in the story... but double standarts i guess.
@@Mephistofeles I try to judge the storys without using genders and/or using something else. In this case I asked myself what if the SO suddenly wanted a dog and they agreed on no dogs since one partner is allergic? Everybody would say it's their partners health and SO is TA for even mentioning buying a dog. If they were a childfree couple that had agreed to be childfree because of reason X and one of the couple suddenly wanted a baby? The SO wanting the child would be TA all over. But they're just a bikefree couple and suddenly the one who is in therapy for years because of a repeated trauma is TA? Nope. I also want to point out the so called ultimatum was made after she offerd a compromise and he turned that down. An other thing that nobody seems to mention is that he run straigth to his buddys and now they are posting divorce jokes in social media? Wonder what he has told them.
In principle, the first story reminds me of some of "H.S. Sweethearts" couples whom end up divorced, purely because one day, one partner "becomes" resentful about "missing out" (aka never having had any other sexual partners). At least with marital vows, no one blames any spouse for refusing to compromise them. OP NTA
Story 1- Strange and ridiculous hill to die on, but it's YOUR hill to choose to die on. You are the only one who can decide if it's worth more than a long term relationship. Take what I say with a big grain of salt, bc I long ago disallowed my son from ever having one on our property bc I had a bike related accident on the freeway, long ago. One rear ended the car I was driving, sending me fishtailing, then he hit me again, after I got the car under control, and that made me hit another car. I can no longer choose for my son, as he's 18 now, but I CAN choose what is allowed in our house and on our property. He doesn't want a car or a bike yet, but if he ever wants a bike, he'll have to store it somewhere else.
Toxic child: I get it. I had a kid like this. She had a learning disability! She hated doing homework and would tantrum almost every night because it was incredibly difficult for her and she’s almost immediately get overwhelmed. She finally got the tutoring she needed and did a lot better. Has toxic sis been tested?
Story 1. She has PSTD. She needs to get it under control. He should be able to get a bike and ride. Her fear is controling. I would say compromise. It's sad their relationship is going to end over a bike. He knew how she felt and decided to stay. If this really is a no-go leave.
Her: You can't ride a motorcycle because of my anxiety. Also her: Happy birthday! I got you sky diving lessons! Me: *Confused Jackie Chan* It just doesn't make sense.
Yeah, she mentions she lost 6 family members, but doesn't say from what. It would be very odd if ALL of them were due to motorcycle accidents, and if they all were, she would have shouted that in her comment. So, what killed them? And why didn't she make absolute rules about each of their methods of death? Auto accident? Never drive a car. Can't be a skydiving accident; that's a totally no-risk activity in her eyes. Rock climbing? We cool. Mind you, I was a terrible motorcyclist, and gave it up to preserve my life. Also, it takes time to become skilled and a bit safer on bikes, and him doing a big road trip in his first few months as a rider is probably a bad idea anyway. In all, I'd say they just need live their own lives, because they are both a bit nuts, but in incompatible ways.
Personally, I'm just annoyed with the way she calls it her "boundary". Boundaries revolve around yourself. Your standards and how you wish to be interacted with, treated, and what you wish to do. Telling someone else that them not being allowed to ride a motorcycle is a boundary is misleading and a willful misunderstanding of what boundaries are. You saying that you will never ride a motorcycle is reasonable and a can be considered a boundary. You telling someone else they can never ride a motorcycle is controlling. You don't get to dictate someone else's behavior and call it a boundary. Boundaries are for yourself.
That said, she was clear on it that it was a hard line for her, and the husband made his choice so I'd kinda say it's an ESH situation. She's controlling and he's throwing a tantrum.
@@khaleesireyna731 Her boundary was that she would not date someone who rode motorcycles. Now that he's trying to break that boundary, she's reminding him of the terms of their relationship, which is that he would not break that boundary. He can ride motorcycles if he wants to, but he cannot keep his wife if he chooses to do that. And the wife made it clear very early on that this was a deal breaker, so I don't think I can agree that it's controlling in this context. She isn't trying to sudden change what he is and is not allowed to do, she's sticking to her original requirements for their relationship.
@@WhiteWolf-lm7gj the fact that she's made it sound like she won't leave if he backs down says otherwise. And yes, phrasing it like "if you do that, you'll come home to an empty house" is manipulative. It's an appeal to emotion. It's implying "you don't want an empty house, do you?" That's what's manipulative. If she just stated "I told you my boundary previously and that's a hard line for me" it would be maintaining a boundary. It would maintain that both of them have their choices/stances. Appealing to emotion with that ultimatum is what changes the dynamic.
I have been driving for more than 50 years. I had ONE close call in a car. I had at least 6 close calls during my 3 years on a motorcycle. (OK, I had the usual belief in my immortality, and I was a slow learner.) One was due to my stupidity- going too fast in a curve and laying it down. The rest were due to people looking directly at me and driving out, giving me barely enough room to leave the road and get it stopped, looking directly at me and pulling into my lane with a semi beside me, or passing (across the double yellow line) and driving head on into the car following me. That persuaded me to sell it cheap. Drivers routinely look at you and don't see you. A few deliberately try to kill you for fun. The trouble with bikes is that the inattention or malice of other drivers is likely to kill you, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. If you want to know how dangerous bikes are, talk to EMTs, not ER nurses. EMTs pick up the dismembered pieces- nurses never see them.Most Bikers are under 35. I don't know if there any over 50. Bikes are fun, and a little risky- if no autos share the road. Otherwise, they are "donorcycles." He might be a fun friend for a while- so long as you are OK with him dying violently at any time. BTW, ultra-lights are a lot more fun, cheaper, and just as dangerous, except you are likely to cause your own demise.
Nta on the pregnant daughter story, you don't get to tell someone they aren't your dad when you don't wanna listen then call them your dad when you need something
I hope Cassie finds/ found a chosen family with competence. Her birth one is full of people who think if you just do what you're told everything is fine. that's weak as fuck and people who can't raise kids to make their own decisions are point blank bad at parenting. May they all be engulfed in the flames they set below them thinking they'd hit a child.
The Child Support story upsets me... so many people calling the OP the Ahole when in truth Child Support is used FOR the child... that may be groceries to feed that child or as the OP is doing putting it away for an emergency... there is nothing wrong with that! Also, I had a friend who's ex took her back to court because he was upset that the Child Support she was getting from him was being used towards groceries... He demanded that it ONLY be used on the kids, which the groceries were FOR the kids. The Judge basically told the ex that she has every right to use the Child Support to buy food for the kids and he tried to argue saying it was only meant to give the kids the toys they wanted and the Judge basically laughed at him. He said and I quote "Toys are not something a child needs, but wants. Food is something a child needs along with a roof over their head and clothing" the ex tried to argue but the Judge made him stay silent and then looked into his income and it was ordered he'd pay just $25 more a month for the Child Support since the ex was making more which really set him off. My Friend walked out of the court with the satisfaction of knowing her kids would still have the food they need. Plus, she does buy the kids cloths and toys but not all the time, they don't need new toys every single day LOL
Story 4: More terrible parenting!! Dad is RIDICULOUS for insisting on expensive goods for a 4 year old!! A 4 yr. old still wants to be a football star one day and a dragon slaying knight the next day. OP IS saving for her kid. Fancy clothes are not NEEDS and as wealthy as the X is, no one knows what the future will hold and it's much safer to have 2 funds for the kid than one.
Story 1: OP's husband is being a childish asshole. He knew from the very start, ONE month in the relationship, that she would never be comfortable with him motorbiking. He knew that, and he chose to accept it.... Except now he doesn't? And he's blaming *her*? He needs to get his shit together. NTA
shes literally over controlling. also an ultimatum 6 years ago really? how was he suppose to know what he is going to be thinking 6 years into the relationship. if she has a trauma to do with bikes then she should have the right to stay away from bikes, absolutely, but she cant project that rule onto her husband even when hes nowhere near her. thats completely unfair.
@@moon-pw1bi that’s not how trauma works though- if you know,for instance,that your SO had specific trauma around say,a certain sex position due to sexual trauma….and was up front that it was off the table completely and had ongoing therapy on the issue but you still went into a relationship willingly with that person, you can’t assume that in the future that boundary won’t exist because it isn’t what you want or isn’t convenient for you. Relationships take compromise,she absolutely has allowed for a large amount of compromise-sky diving for example-but was clear on the bikes. Seems pretty cut and dry,boundaries don’t change,people just normally assume that once the person is in love with them that they will.
@@mimi.dixon.b i agree with you but thats not my point at all. shes right to have a boundary protecting herself from getting involved in a biking activity and reliving her trauma. but when it comes to her partner, i dont think she has the right to transfer that exact same rule she has for herself onto him. what if she had this same trauma but instead of motorbikes it was trains. shes right to be allowed to never go on a train if thats what she needs, and obviously her partner will have to be ok with this. but she cant expect her partner to also never use a train when hes away visiting some friends in a different country.
@@moon-pw1bi yes, but the trauma isn't to do with her participation in and personal fear of biking, it is related to losing individuals to such activities- aka, others participating in the activity. She expects her partner to respect the feelings she experiences when she knows someone she cares deeply for is participating in an activity that is both dangerous and directly related to her past trauma from loss. She doesn't have the right to dictate his actions, true, but where he is doing it has no bearing on the boundary she initially set. She knows he's biking, she knows its dangerous, and she will have a visceral trauma response to knowing that he is in danger the entire time he's doing it- honestly made worse by the fact that it's a biking 'trip' and he'd likely be unreachable by phone for long periods of time, letting her 'death spiral' about worst-case scenarios, and probably having general anxiety at best, a full-blown panic attack or other mental instability, harm, or hospitalization at worst (I know it sounds like wild hyperbole, but trauma is incredibly powerful at altering our ability to perceive and react to the world appropriately). I just think that since she was very upfront about it, that it was a known boundary and she hasn't taken it to the extent where any potential danger HAS to be avoided by him (aka, its not like she's trying to prevent him from doing anything and everything she might deem dangerous), just this one specific thing related to that past experiences and ongoing trauma shes dealing with. Not to mention, taking that action and putting her in that position may well regress the progress she is making in her ongoing therapy. IMO it was selfish of him to get into a relationship with her to begin with, and frankly, it doesn't seem like he initially took the boundary seriously. If you make a grand statement saying- 'you've made yourself clear on this boundary and I accept that and am willing to respect it for a chance to make you my life partner'- that's your intent, presumably. like in my example, I'm sure the hubby wouldn't be ok with say, pegging (even outside of trauma boundaries), just as a general boundary that I've noticed seems to exist with most strait men. If he said hey, not super cool with a strap on up my poop shoot in the first month of a relationship, and she, 6 years down the road asked again and he maintained that boundary- I would expect her to say, ok then, I love you and am happy with you and respect your boundaries, even if it means I can't do this activity that I would like to do and you don't, because our relationship means more to me than this one single desire being met, and you fulfill me in so many other ways. Just because she is setting a boundary related to her mental health and not a physical boundary doesn't mean that it doesn't have the permanence of physical boundaries one sets and deserve the same respect. We don't know her trauma, but if people are upfront about their boundaries- I suppose I expect adults to respect that or move on to someone more compatible, rather than assume that as a free adult that you won't make any concessions for your partner's comfort at any point in a relationship because you have an increased desire at some point and don't feel like respecting their boundaries anymore. Its childish and entitled, and not how mature relationships should function.
@@moon-pw1bi dude. She told him it would ALWAYS be a dealbreaker. People are allowed to have dealbreakers and boundaries. She gave him 100% fair warning that it would never ever change. He does not have to stay with her. If his life dream is actually to go motorbiking, he can do that WITHOUT her in his life. He doesn't get to force her to put her boundaries and dealbreakers aside and make her uncomfortable just because time has passed since the boundaries were stated. It's like when I told my boyfriend that chewing dip was a dealbreaker, (except motorbiking is actually more dangerous) so if he ever starts chewing dip 5 years down the road, I'll remind him how repulsive I find people who do that, and if he doesn't stop, then I will leave, just like I said I would. Everybody has that right. Fuck off.
Wow wedding girl you should be so grateful to your brother gifting you 5 grand for your wedding. That's so generous. I'm a similar situation in my family my sister chose study whilst I chose to have a baby. We both really wanted a baby in the family but she is my baby and my responsibility. She has helped me a lot financially through the years. I have an account saved to paying her back as it is not her job to keep me in the lifestyle I chose. I help cook and clean her house as she is busy and works long hours aswell as paying her back. She discounts what ever money I owe her I insist she doesn'thave to that I gladly help her. She told me to forget about the money but I'd never do that as my choses are not her responsibility the same way as hers aren't mine but we help each other anyway. How are you helping your brother? Why do you think he should pay for a wedding of all things, this is a luxury, not a necessity and definitely not his job to spend his and his wives hard earned cash on your whims! Entailted much !
1:28:21- as much as the "problem" is op/sil not getting along, the solution really boils down to "does op's partner want his brother at the wedding?" if he doesn't, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. if he does, i'm pretty sure everyone involved will know that you're inviting his brother, but not going to the level of asking him to show up without his wife...
I get motorcycles are more dangerous than cars, I wouldn't feel like I'd be able to dictate what they choose to ride/enjoy. I'd only beg they wear a helmet at least.
Re cross dressing room invader: NTAH!! Make him pay for the clothes and dead bolt and have him evicted. No need to explain. I'd have called him IMMEDIATELY on seeing the trespassing on the cam and warned him to get out and stay out if he didn't want cops involved.
The entitlement of the woman expecting her bother to contribute $20,000 for her wedding is ridiculous and made even worse by her being offended by “only” being offered £5000. BTW Doctors early in their career DON’T actually earn a massive amount especially considering the hours they work probably debt from University. SHE made her life choices that meant she doesn’t have a lot of money which isn’t uncommon for a 23 yr old anyway.
1st Story: NTA. I feel for OP's husband, but this has been an explicit boundary since their very start of dating. OP does need to get her grief under control, and I hope she does. But to put this into perspective, I'm an avid martial artist and have done a lot of full-contact fighting. My then-girlfriend told me she was fine with that, but didn't want me to fight competitively. She didn't give me an ultimatum, but asserted it was important to her. I'd been considering the idea for some time at that point, but decided her boundary was reasonable, and since I'm a computer programmer, probably better not to scramble my noodles.
I dont think anyone is an asshole in the 1st story. Riding a motor cycle is more dangerous than sky diving. When I was a kid a 18 year old guy died riding his mom's motorcycle in my neighborhood with no helmet. Doesn't matter if your the best rider my friend's Dad got hit by a driver that wasn't looking and took 3 years to recover.
She made it a clear boundary early in the relationship i think it makes him a liar if he backs out of agreement. I would loose trust and feel super betrayed in someone who backed out of something that i made clear was super important to me.
No it is a reasonable ask. She made it clear early on that it was a deal breaker for her and he agreed to it. It is also one of the more reasonable asks considering how many people get permanently disabled or killed on bikes.
@@Twilight24682 he could have just not been with her tho, he made the choice. Motorcycles are very dangerous and she’s entitled to boundaries. She was upfront about them, he made the choice.
@@shammydammy2610 You do not set boundaries for other people. Her setting a boundary would have been: "I don't want to lose someone to a motorcycle accident so I won't date anyone that even remotely has interests in riding a bike. Because it would be wrong of me to tell another human being that they can't do something just because I'm a weak pathetic entitled fucking cunt who can't get over my own feelings." That's a boundary. She never should have agreed to continue seeing him from the gate. She is putting the blame on someone else for being pissed off that she's a controlling manipulative cunt rather than putting it where it belongs, on herself for not cutting the relationship when SHE knew it wouldn't work.
Story 3: NTA. I had three siblings like the one OP has. if anything, they were rarely punished. Clearly favored because they were boys so my parents were a lot more reasonable with them in terms of chores/homework. Only got punished when they got on my parents nerves. When they were, they'd act like there was some kind of favoritism going on and would play victim. Siblings like that don't see that their actions are the reason they are getting punished. They like to make things harder on themselves by doing nothing to try to stop getting in trouble and just have a toxic habit of defying. In their minds, its easier to just defy because its their habit. They haven't made it a habit to be responsible so its harder for them and so they take the "easy" route. Story 2: NTA. Reddit is weird. Parents disrespecting, manipulating and crossing their child's boundaries is enough for reddit to tell the kids to cut contact with the parents but now that the shoe is on the other foot, OP has to put up with bullcrap from his daughter even though she constantly refused his help and said all kinds of hurtful things when he only wanted her to be happy and thrive. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. Even with a baby involved, you CHOSE to make that baby. You CHOSE to date someone who didnt care about you. Which wouldnt be so bad if you hadn't said all of those hurtful things. We all make crappy decisions. But when you're an Ahole about it when people genuinely try to help you, that's all on you.
I really dont get all YTA for story 1. She clearly said, that bikes is no-no to her from the beggining. Please stop diminish her trauma, my mother have same feeling about bikes and this without any death related events, i was told from young age, that if i get a bike that it'll have dire consequnces, maybe it's a little controlling but for duck sake, all ppl entitled for their boundries. Honestly, OP better without husbund.
Because she’s being contradictory. She allows her husband to do literally every dangerous activity under the sun but BIKING is where she draws the line?
Agreed. Everything can be risky but she’s not saying he can’t drive a car or even do extreme sports (like sky diving which is statically SAFER than motorcycles). She had this one hard limit that she was upfront about from the very beginning. It would be the same as someone saying their child free or they don’t want a partner who’s a smoker. Partner can do whatever they want but OP was very clear they would not stay in the relationship.
The story about the step daughter Reddit is on crack. She’s a grown adult that has told her step dad she’s independent woman and doesn’t need anyone. The only reason the are on her side is because she’s a woman. Everyone’s saying to help her but she can just use OP and go back to doing whatever she wants because she knows she has a dad she can walk all over.
1st story: NAH. It's not your boundary he is crossing. You are crossing his. I know you are putting your foot down because he care and you worry for him, and although he did choose to give it up for you, you HAD to know that honeymoon feeling would go away and he would want a bike one day. He should be willing to look into alternatives, like three wheels.
As a single mum who loves motorbikes. Screw them get a bike license. 🏍 I did have a nasty accident. It has changed my life but it wouldn't change my mind. I will continue to ride.
Story three - on one hand, I was a nightmare kid at times, on the other hand, I’m autistic which explains a lot😅😅 I don’t know how to feel because it seems biased to the point I can’t tell what details are exaggerated in each way.. I mean being treated worse to the point the other kids realized it would definitely alienate you from your family but on the other hand you can invite whoever the hell you want to your wedding. I know it was hard for my mom to get me to get work done as a kid but now I take adhd meds which helped, cause even now if I don’t take them, I remember I was trying really hard to write a paper but for the life of me couldn’t read the whole paragraph of damn instructions on it because I hadn’t taken those meds for a bit (was changing meds at the time) and couldn’t connect each part of it for the life of me. I was even trying to be productive by doing it a week in advance of the due date, which saved my ass when I had to go back on my meds to finish it! I know I would totally be screwed if I was in her place, but on the other hand my mom sat down with me and helped with my homework as a kid and I got professional help. Last year I got a 4 on two AP exams (math and english), so it’s not like I’m too stupid to do the work either. I don’t know, either way Cassie should probably look into professional help because I’m sure growing up like that could do a number on her self worth and stuff.. oof sorry for the big rant, have a nice day/night and stay hydrated!!
1st story. OP is Not the a-hole. Step daughter will not change. She will use whomever she can to get what she wants. Then return to her old ways the moment she is in. I had to allow my daughter to hit rock bottom. I had to stop enabling her. After she hit rock bottom, and on her own completely. She turned her life around.
Story one, honestly, while I'm going to say NAH, I'm also going to say he needs to leave her. Just flat out. People who have lifelong dreams aren't going to just completely give up on them. He should have seen this when she first said she wouldn't accept him getting a bike license and said "alright. I'm out, it's been real" and left her behind years ago.
Exactly.
I agree, but I also think it depends on the dream... Some just aren't meant to be realistic, but remain a nice fantasy (doesn't seem to be the case here though)
Agreed. The then-b/f was a fool to have agreed to OP's demand. He failed her sh*t-test.
I’m leaning a little more towards to YTA myself, as OP said she’s in therapy frequently and doesn’t “feel like I’m pushing my trauma on others.” Yet she wants to ensure that her husband is far away from a deadly risk. The other extreme sports are a smoke screen, cause, while intense, they can be done extremely safely. She has a lot of unresolved trauma she isn’t processing correctly. T would be best they broke up though, so she can renew her attempts to heal herself, perhaps change therapist and he can get a Harley
@@FancySpicyTuna Did he promise this before they become engaged? Before they got married?
Story 2:unpopular NTA. She’s not a kid, she’s 21. You tried to help her by offering her a job but she responded with ‘it’s my life,’ ‘I’m an adult,’ and ‘you’re not my real dad’. While I think that op can point her in the right direction, she needs to know that her actions her cutting off her family has consequences.
Story
Story 3: NTA. Like op said if a child does something bad or not do her homework they don’t get any awards like treats or tv time. For people saying that how can op’s parents expect a child to sit still and do their homework? Her teacher.
The child support story: NTA. I don’t get the YTA comments. She’s buying the kid’s basic needs, so what she’s not getting the kid the trendiest clothes he’s four. She’s putting the rest of the money in a rainy day fund, like if she’s fired from her job and needs to take care of her son, or if she or her son gets in an accident and needs to pay the medical bills or she can’t work for a while.
For the second one at first I was like "Yes? What the fuck?" Then I heard the age, complete 180
21?! Why do they keep saying shes young? Yes in the long run she is young but she is a grown woman, She said herself you are not my real dad, whos to say she won't backstab again?
@@midnightsuns4666 I think comments are focusing on her child. Like they want op to take in the child while the daughter gets her act together. Again op can point her in the right direction but him can’t drag her kicking and screaming then she’ll double down.
Yeah, I dunno, 21 is a kid in my book. 21 year olds think they aren't kids but they are.
@@eli3568if you can legally buy alcohol, vape, cigarettes, cigars, guns, and enroll in the military then you are old enough to know not to sleep with the same dude multiple times because he’s not trust worthy. You’re also old enough to know not to tell your step dad he’s not your real dad and then expect financial help when you screw up again.
You don’t get to hurt people then expect them to still be there with a helping hand when you need them, no matter your age or how other people perceive you
Shocked at all the YTA at the pregnant stepdaughter one, she is a grown woman who made the same mistake TWICE! She’s not OPs responsibility and she seems like a nasty person, she will not learn by being coddled but by facing the consequences of her own actions. She’s an adult.
She not only refused help twice, but also threw the fact that the OP isn’t her “real” dad in his face, yet then when she decides she wants his help suddenly he’s her dad again. Make up your mind girl! You can’t tell him he isn’t your dad and to stay out of your business, then get pissed when he does exactly that!
Grown? pls, the brain isn't even fully developed until 25
@@m4r194 you are legally an adult at 18, if you think people under 25 can’t be held responsible for their actions that’s on you, but i strongly disagree. She is not a child, she’s an adult.
@@kmbaldwin5325 exactly!
@@lilfairykiki122 legally doesn't mean physically or mentally
"who gives a six year old homework"
How stupid could you be. That, "I guess her teacher", comment was spot on hilarious
But seriously yeah, just because siblings are raised together doesn't mean they are motivated by the same thing. I am lazy, VERY lazy. As a kid my mom gave allowance, my brother was very motivated by money, I was not. I didn't even want things, I'd just needed a library card and a warm bed. However I loved school and so my grades were better then his because I was motivated by my curiosity and he wasn't. Was I upset for not getting a new video game when I got good grades, no, because my reward was learning. Now if I didn't like learning I'd have probably been a huge brat like OPs sister because you could not get me to do housework for anything and my brother complained about doing all the housework. He got paid to do housework, I could not be motivated to do it and so yeah, I was a little shit who didn't clean her room probably ever. Now I'm an adult living on my home and I still struggle to keep my house clean. I accept this is the hell of my own making, and I have not stopped loving learning and sleeping as my two main hobbies.my brother has not stopped loving money and stuff. If the sister is only motivated by by punishment she needs to get her ish together because the world's gonna punish her way worse then her parents. Hopefully she stops victimizing herself and does something about it.
My granddaughter is 5 and she gets homework 🙄 .
To be fair, most if not all of the data on this stuff suggests that formal education/ educational environments have no benefit before age 8.
@@ptaradactletime11? Define formal. Because educating at a young age is critical. If you mean sitting at desks all day, then I'd agree. But, there are many ways to teach that are appropriate, effective and very beneficial for young children.
@@ptaradactletime11 while I agree school isn't necessarily necessary, I think that's mostly how school is structured and what is taught. Before the age of learning things on the internet, schools main job is to prepare for factory jobs and fill ling the youth with government propaganda like how every thankgiving we celebrate the "friendship" between the settlers and the native Americans. Or how we honor Christopher Columbus by ditching school so we don't have to learn the real truth of what a monster he was.
However, if we focused early schooling on less "educational" propaganda and rigidity and focused more on social skills that encourage learning behaviour. Like I don't remember a single group project as a kid but there was a lot in middle and high school and I feel like more kids would know how to act in a group setting if they did more group activities younger. Also more language classes, we acknowledge that Dora the explorer and Sagwa are great for kids brains but no one bothers actually trying to teach basic foreign languages to students when every other foreign government has kids learning their language at home and English in first grade. It's not always the best English and they might forget bits of it when they grow up but they can more accurately hold a conversation in English then we could in their language.
Also, the fact that many public education facilities have next to no clubs, extra curricular activities, or programs to help kids discover what they want to do when they grow up despite always asking and expecting them to know in highschool. No wander everyone wants to be an influencer now, the only thing they've actually been taught is that just like you hate school your going to hate your job unless you become a celebrity whose job it is to never look like they are working.
What Cassis doesn't and others don't understand is that different parenting methods work on different kids even within the same family! Some kids respond to rewards, others to punishment, with me yelling worked! Kids are people and what traumatizes one person won't phase another!
Story 1: They aren't compatible. If she wants to leave over a hobby/passion the husband has I say hold the door open for her as she leaves. Ultimatums are a stupid game, so prepare to win a stupid prize.
So let's just bypass the fact she told him from the beginning bikes are a hard line so let's end it here since it was still early in the relationship and HE DECIDED TO STAY😂😂 one thing I do agree with you on is SHE should open the door for him,he knows her boundaries and he just feels since she's emotionally invested in him now he can cross them.
Rotten Cassie story - that is my youngest brother's story. The house stayed in an uproar because of him and his behavior. We got a shared 20% of the time while he got 80% of the time devoted to him and his bad behavior. We still resent him years later and none of us have a relationship with him.
NTA it's been 2,5 years my best friends husband died in a motorcycle accident. Father of two small children. He was carefull...he had his first motorbike when he was 15...very very nice person, good driver, responsable in every area of his life...but...that day he got up early just to turn one round, it was sommer and a holiday...my best friend got up later and started to prepare for breakfast...children were up...they waited...she called...then the police came...and it was clear written im their faces...please don't ride a motorbike if you have wife and children.
They cope, the three of them...but it is so hard...they feel it every day.
Mom saving child support. Its her kid, raising how she sees fit. She has her own lifestyle, parenting style, and has to deal with the consequences of spoiling kid. Dad can spoil kid at his own house.
But it's not her money and the dad seems like a guy who's really well off. What is she saving for then? The kid probably has their future set in stone so it's just some childhood trauma from her mother that she has to keep every penny she gets to.
@@NoobKillerTM So she gives it to him when he graduates? As long as it's being spent or saved for the kid, it doens't matter.
It's so odd to me that reddit tells children to drop parents over the slightest thing, while parents or even step parents should put up with years upon years of crap.
Children dont have a choice. Children have to have parents. Parents do have a choice. Parents never had to have a child if they didnt want them. If you have a child, you are a parent for LIFE. Parenting is not just an 18 year job, and if you think that, dont have children.
@@fantasystaplesuwu1554 A. I have a child. B. I agree that it's not an 18 year commitment. C. You are absolutely wrong. Being the child in a relationship does not give you any right to be an awful, toxic person. A parent does not have to put up with that crap. If you think they do, you shouldn't have kids... well, I guess go ahead, and if they're awful, guess you put up with it till you die.
@@brandonshelp4682 your job as a parent is to raise them to be good people. If you raised them to be toxic like this, you failed completely as a parent and deserve to bear the consequences. No excuses. Shame on you, and I hope your child's mother is a much better rolemodel than you.
@@fantasystaplesuwu1554 you don't know anything about me or my position, so go troll elsewhere.
@@brandonshelp4682 It's very telling that you think I'm joking in the least. I'm not.
My dad gave up bikes for my mom. Everything my father owned was Harley themed. But he did admit mom probably saved his life by putting her foot down.
Yeah, but it was his decision in the end - because he's accountable for his own life - and not hers.
@@ravanpee1325 then he can leave her. No one is forcing him.
@@jam2727 He shouldn't be with her in the first place. His body his choice
@@ravanpee1325 yeah, she said that. He can leave at any point no one is saying he has to stay with her.
@@jam2727 Yeah, that's the right decision
OP’s definitely the AH for expecting her brother give her 20,000 for her wedding.. that’s ridiculous! She’s living with a man, has his child, and wants a big wedding SHE can’t afford! Just get married and save the money for future expenses!
My sister got married to her spouse in a local park with a cute little gazebo, a leaf-strewn concrete stage, wearing a dress she found at a high-end thrift shop and there were like 15 people in attendance total. It was honestly one of the most beautiful and sweet weddings I've ever attended and that was mostly because it was their celebration of their relationship and taking the next steps together in life. Idk exactly how much they spent, but I'm willing to bet it was maybe $1-2k max (including honeymoon). Spending a fuckton on a wedding doesn't mean anything.
@@khaleesireyna731 Exactly.. you can have a beautiful wedding without being ridiculous and lavish.. especially with marriages barely lasting until the ink on the license is dry..
yeah, and she isn't entitled to her brothers money, she should be grateful he even offered 5,000 in the first place
Imagine being called an a-hole for not spending every cent of the child support.
Exactly it’s “I don’t need it for our every day expenses so I’m putting in in a just in case fund.” And then they’re called TA. Bet you anything if there’s an update stating that the ex got cut off and they’re now having to dip into that just in case fund nobody calling her TA in that post would bat an eye
Stepfathers ARE real dad's! My BFF has a wonderful stepdad that loved her and her bro their whole lives. Treated the the same as their half siblings and walked her down the isle.
Child support/living cheaply story: People screaming about her not spending all the child support on the kiddo obviously have no idea what being a single parent is like. These are the same people who say idiotic crap like “child support should be put on a card that can only be used on the child”
Had the same situation with my baby daddy. He wanted to get a motorcycle. I just told him ok, he could get one as soon as he got life insurance of at least 150,000 or more. When he asked why I told him when he dies he will at least help out his children. He didn't get a motorcycle.
He should have that life insurance with or without that motorcycle. Does he at least get that insurance through work?
I don't think the dad that took the baby is the asshole. I also don't think the mom who is obviously suffering from post-partum is the asshole either. I think this is a problem with the ideology around pregnancy and birth. Many women see admitting to post-partum as a failure, as there isn't a lot of discussion about how common it is, and then social media with all the seemingly perfect happy experiences can exasperate the problem. I think hospitals should educate families about the signs of post-partum, along with normalizing the partner going to post pregnancy appointments with the obgyn so partners can weigh in on problems too. This is their first baby, and he probably only understands post-partum to whatever definition Google gave him. She probably doesn't even realize how out of control she is. I hope this family got the support they desperately needed.
The bad sister sounds like the opposite of the spoiled child. Instead of doing as the kid want they get punished. While it is still possible that this is a black sheep situation it might also be that the sister really is a "badly behaved kid" and the punishment's are way better than spoiling the child to keep her happy.
Seriously..... is the child being taken care of? She isn't raising him like a spoiled brat, but is still providing for his needs?
She's doing fine. She is potentially raising a smart child who will know how to budget, and also know that he doesn't need designer clothes to be happy.
No one knows what the future holds. This mother is being smart about her child's future. Father could lose everything and that will end the 'supposed' college fund. The father could remarry and the second wife decide his first son doesn't get anything. Many many things could happen.
@@Old_Red exactly. Saving for a rainy day when all of a sudden your child has severe medical needs, or saving for his future. She isn't depriving him of anything, and she is also not spending the money on herself. Why is that a problem?
Little sister story ... Cassie may be neurodivergent... ADHD, Autism, etc is harder/ less likely to be diagnosed/ recognized in females,... I was a lot like that as a kid/teen/early adult.... Turns out I'm Autistic
Yes. Doesn't mean op has to shoot her a wedding invite, though.
That's what I was thinking, too. I got diagnosed with ADHD at 26 years old. The last 20-ish years of my life made total sense after that. Even if Cassie's not neurodivergent, there's something up there. We as humans are social creatures. We want to fit in. Cassie's extreme unwillingness to do what she's told to isn't normal (Not being dragged on that long, at least) and OP even admitted that therapy was limited in their country. Really, the whole family failed here. There needed to be more constructive conversation around Cassie's behavior (with Cassie involved) to highlight that she's not being singled out, but that she's suffering the consequences of her actions. Instead, the family pushed one way, Cassie pushed the other, they all got angrier/more resentful and we're where we're at now, which is sad.
Also, I just want to say that OP might not be super objective either. There are tons of kids out there who, when they're not the scapegoat, will bend over backwards to justify how the scapegoat definitely deserved that punishment and they're just being stubborn and the parents had to discipline them and there was no dysfunction. It's easier for families to pin it all on the scapegoat than to admit that there's anything unfair going on. We don't know for sure if Cassie is the scapegoat in her family, but idk, it's just not normal for a kid to be THAT stubborn for YEARS in a functional family. And honestly, the amount of dislike that OP has for her sister is kinda alarming to me, especially since there's nothing specifically between OP and Cassie, just overall family tension. Like the way OP talks about her just made me feel like they'd learned a long time ago to be dismissive of Cassie because she gave the parents a hard time and I feel like that's something the parents would've fostered, rather than something that cropped up between siblings. I'll admit that I might be reading too much into it, but idk, it just sets my spidey sense off.
That said, it IS OPs wedding and they can invite whoever they want, so NTA there... I just feel like there's more dysfunction to this family than OP is likely to admit to and its easier for Cassie to be the scapegoat than to admit deeper issues in the family...
I was thinking that- it might work as an explanation to what's going on.
@@khaleesireyna731 I only realised I'm still my families scapegoat (after years away) and I really relate to Cassie, and know I'm seen similarly. I had undiagnosed ADHD, Autism, as well as untreated childhood trauma (that's now C-PTSD. yaaay.) When I was 11 my mum said my recently deceased grandfather came to her in a dream to tell her if she didn't do something I'd never understand love. I was a child of divorce while my bro wasn't. Since he was 4 her and her sis were whispering in his ear about how bad I am, and to not be like me (I heard this). There's so much OP hasn't seen, and so much OP was told by the parents they won't be able to see, even if the estranged sister holds some blame in all of this (even though she was a child for most of this)
But I highly doubt several specialists who have probably diagnosed female children would have missed it. 1 missing it sure, but several saying she’s fine means she’s fine and doesn’t have an excuse to be a brat she can lean back on.
Story 1 has an update. TLDR "The problem turned out to be a friend problem and not a relationship problem. Friends are gone, counselling is underway, things are looking good."
Husband has shitty friends who continued teasing him even after he packed up and left their house. They both apologized to each other.
Thank you!! I wondered if there was an update. Husband sounds like an even bigger AH since he was letting his friends manipulate him into throwing a tantrum and torpedoing his own marriage. She made this clear to him right from the beginning and he was okay with it. If he wants to change his mind then it’s over.
Same thing as someone saying upfront that they never want kids. After 6 years partner can’t turn around and unilaterally change the relationship.
@@SuperYoshi29 “letting his friends manipulate him”? Messed up thing to say .
Screw all that get a bike. If she wants to leave hold the door for her. Six years is too long to be without an open road and 80 cubic inches of Detroit steel with the wind in your hair and metal (or your riding music of choice) in the headphones. Don't worry about the woman, a new one generally comes along pretty quickly with a good bike. Seriously any of you high school or collage age guys, one of these will get you more attention from women than any car.
This ain't a friend problem, this is a woman problem. She better be bringing a whole fuckton to the table to make it worth sacrificing your bike. We are talking nymphomaniac, 4 star chef, billionaire heiress, owner of a Ferrari dealership here. Much less than that and she ain't worth it.
I don’t think this is an AITA situation, just a heartbreaking one for the couple. Yeah, it sucks you can’t ride, but it also sucks to raise small kids on your own b/c your spouse died from injuries from a bike accident.
A friend of mine lost her son last week in a motorcycle accident. He agreed to give it up for her. NAH.
Story1: NTA. OP was very clear about her boundary from day 1. Frankly her then-bf was a fool to have agreed to that, sh*t-test failed. Fast forward today, if he wanted to try and re-negotiate that boundary, they could have talked like adults. Instead he threw a pre-emptive tantrum. Pathetic! Unfortunately their marriage is over, there's no backing down from what they both said. If they stay together, they'll just be bitter and miserable. Just end it and move on.
It's not really a boundary if it surrounds someone else's behavior and it's really disingenuous for OP to call it that. A boundary would be if OP said she'd never ride a motorcycle. She can say "I don't want to be with someone who rides a motorcycle" and that's fair (which she did and husband made his choice), but it's not a boundary when you're dictating someone else's behavior.
Oh fucking gag me if the gender is first all the people saying that she's not being controlling but be calling her a controlling bastard congratulations to him on finally Manning up and getting from under her childish issues
Yeah it is pretty pathetic on her part. Because there are many other things in life you are more likely to die from than a motorcycle. Such as the flu or simply going up and down stairs. Unless OP forces her husband to carry a helmet with him everytime he encounters stairs, this isn't about her concern for him. This is about her having the power to tell him no and her being upset when it didn't work
she is being completely over controlling, she can make the agreement that she cant ever be near motorcycles based on past trauma. but she cannot force her husband to never ride a bike even when he is completely out of her range, thats unfair.
“Threw a tantrum” from the girl who decided she’ll throw away her entire relationship because the dude gets on a bike. I think she’s a Karen who needs to get over herself and let people be people. Imagine if he said he’ll break up with her if she ever puts on make up lol.
Story 2: NTA YOU CAN'T SAVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE SAVED.
Clearly talk is cheap for the daughter. One minute "You're not my real Dad!" and she cuts contact and then she wants something and when her manipulation fails she gets spiteful by taking it social media.
This is not a person ready to accept help, just a woman who wants people to do as THEY want and not say a word against them.
Enabling this behaviour by taking her in would not help in any way because she's not capable of receiving help graciously as she unfortunately feels entitled to it.
Family is irrelevant here, she needs to understand that in the real world you reap what you sow.
Some people need a reality check harder than others.
It's horrible that a baby is now involved in this mess, but I doubt she'd be capable of caring for it any way and it would no doubt be taken off her.
She refuses to listen to reason and is still to stubborn and full of pride and she's a grown woman, the outlook is not good here and I honestly expect the baby would have been dumped on OP while she went out making more bad decisions.
I watched a family member go through this.
She was 33 years old before she finally had an epiphany and started working on changing her behaviour, but it was a LONG road to change.
Taking her in had just resulted in fights and her leaving again and making more bad decisions.
Sorry for this long rambling speech and take care all❤
The “black sheep” one: NTA. Also 6 years old is pre-k and I had homework in pre-k. It’s literally arts and crafts and learn your abcs and 123s. Not hard.
Also, her behavior wasn’t just bad at 6, it was bad her entire life. There’s only so much you can put up with from anyone to where you just give up on them.
And OP has every right to only invite people she likes and wants at her wedding to her wedding.
Once you lose some good friends to bike accidents, the picture will change completely.
One young man who was a very experienced bike rider and careful, responsible etc, was coming home to his fiance. Coming around a corner, he slid out in an unseen puddle, lost control and shot under a truck. If he could not save his own life, by taking so much care, how about a new inexperienced rider, cranky at his wife.
A young man riding through town had a lady open her car door without looking, she collected his bike, lost her door and he lost a leg.
Another man I knew loved his bike so much, but when he stopped for a road sign, and put his feet down to keep upright, one foot only found a deep hole. The bike fell on his leg and trapped him. He needed help to get out and to pick up the bike, he decided on his own, it really wasn't worth the risks and sold his bike.
This man knows why his SO why is against bikes, is he so arrogant he cannot learn from other people's tragedies? No, not everyone dies at this, but the possibility is ever present, one moment of innattention or a misplaced animal, or even an insect can easily cause disaster. There are no solid defences around a bike.
My brothers were very interested in racing, motorised carts, very low to the ground, were seen as very safe, so they bought one and started racing. A few other drivers crashed and were hurt then an up and coming driver, winning a name for himself with parental support, crashed and died. My brothers sold the cart.
Young Cassie sounds autistic, like her brain does not work like others, so she cannot get that her life is cause and effect. This is very hard to diagnose properly, but if as it sounds, she really doesn't understand any of her families reasoning, it has to be a possibility. A high functioning asbergers patient is hard to spot in a crowd. Maybe try a few specialists?
The 4 year old with a wealthy parent, if the child has an emergency, or if the dad gets angry and tries to force the mum to comply by wielding his money at her, or even if simply because life is uncertain at best, there is always good reason to be careful about money. If the dad wants his son to have sporting equipment, there is nothing stopping him from buying it. He has no real say, he gets to make his own choices, she is perfectly within her rights to make her own, all he can really do is give suggestions and reasons, unless she is putting the child in danger.
1st Story - One of the problems with ultimatums is that they're a zero sum game and you have to be prepared for the consequences if your bluff gets called. Another is that once you've given one in a relationship you've taken all of the power away from the other person and given them a major reason to resent you and your dictatorial ways. No one ever appreciates being strong armed.
She is prepared for the consequences. And he knew before he married her that this was a dealbreaker.
People change over time and while the husband thought he would be okay with no bikes, but 6 years is a long time. When all your friends go on something fun you like, you will want to go. He wasn't trying to force OP to go with them.
Either way, marriage is over. Once you start throwing ultimatums out, 90% of the time the relationship is over.
Looks like bikes ruined another relationship for OP.
@@jonswa Yeah, I'm sure he was expecting her to change over time. And the point is not whether or not Op went with him. And sure, if 'hey, my dealbreaker from way before we were married is still my dealbreaker today' is a ultimatum, then so be it.
No, no one likes to be strong armed, which is why she had told him bikes were a deal breaker 1 MONTH into their now 6 year relationship
@@jonswa It also ruined it for OP's husband ...I hope his bike is worth it
NTA for the father who locked himself in the room with the baby.
Right. Like wtf else was he supposed to being literally refused any time to bond with his own child? And the MIL is an idiot. Wife needs professional help ASAP
@@ingloriousbetch4302 She definitely needs serious help. I will say that what he did wasn't the best reaction, but he was probably desperate.
The irony of people who said “they wouldn’t be caught dead in a cheap hotel” accusing someone staying in said cheap hotel of thinking they are too good for them.
S1: YTA. While I understand the trauma and he did choose to stay in the relationship, I do not count this as a boundary. I personally believe this is very controlling. As long as your partner agrees to be safe as possible, he should be free to pursue different hobbies. You shouldn't stop your partner from doing what they want because of your trauma.
S2: NTA. Funny how OP isn't a "real dad" until he cuts her off. Why do Redditors want OP to cut off his spine and support a daughter like this?
So let me get this straight..... she bought him fucking *SKY DIVING LESSONS*, but SOMEHOW a fucking motorbike is passing boundaries?
He knew it was dealbreaker years ago.
It has traumatic associations plus how often is he likely to go sky diving versus riding a bike. To be fair the chances of him being severely injured or killed on a bike is quite high - even a “minor” accident can cause life changing injuries. I worked in an orthopaedic ward which was 1/3 full of young guys in months of traction/debilitating injuries
Ahh yes sky diving is more safe then a upgraded bicycle even tho with sky diving you have the chance to become either a human pancake or gods next slushy but hey the wife is aloud to say no bikes switch the genders and the world goes ape shit😂
@@matthewhicks713 Wife is allowed to say no bikes, exactly. He married her knowing that was how it was,.
She is buying the kid stuff. Electricity, water mortgage. Kudos to her for saving for a rainy day. Men hate when they can't control
Not just men. My husband's ex is like that. She would send my stepson for visits in dirty clothes with holes in them at the same time she bought herself a piano. My poor little stepson wasn't stupid, he knew what she was doing. Decades later, her other son has gone no contact and my stepson is very low contact with her.
I would never allow my ex to come over and decorate my son's room (including painting the walls) in my own house. ? How freaking wierd - ex can decorate his room in their house. The commenters tore dad apart, but he's not 'keeping him from his mom', son is with her 50% of the time.
Honestly the story about the sister sounds like she might have Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ODD.. About the story about living cheaply the kid is 4 years old he doesn't need expensive things and this will teach him that just because something is expensive doesn't mean its good and also that you don't need to have expensive things. Also for the comments that were made about how its not her money umm its money to help support the child which includes food, shelter and clothing which I am sure the mother does provide and nothing wrong with putting money away for a rainy day. that story about asking the brother to help with the wedding cost I recall hearing the same story but from the brothers side on AITA
Your ex is mad because you walk back and forth with your 4-year-old to and from school. You give your child an hours worth of f****** physical exercise which isn't a bad thing. It's time you get to spend with your child. You get to figure out his day you get to sit there and talk with him and you get to chill with it. No your ex is being ridiculous and the fact that you're saving money for a rainy day in case of an emergency is a smart thing. Like I don't blame you kids don't need f****** a buttload of toys or f****** car or this or that especially when it's a 30 minute walk to school. Like if you lived more than 2 miles from your school I'd understand needing a car especially if your school system doesn't have a busing system or they charge you money for it that you can't afford. It's stupid.
The OP whose not-planning-ahead family is now trying to force her to let them use her room: absolutely NOT the AH, lol at her family 😂 Good for her for having both foresight and a spine ❤️ And what a wonderful outcome in the end ❤️❤️❤️
The best decision I’ve made for my husband is not standing in his way. He asked me if he can take the M1 class and I told him he’ll have to take at least 3 classes to improve skill or no dice. I buy him great gear cuz if he is gonna be at such risk, he’s at least going to be as protected as he can be given the situation. He ALWAYS wears full gear. Compromise.
Riding is his therapy and mental wellness matters. His interests matter.
Lots of people are saying that the first OP is being controlling, but this has been a foundational rule of their relationship from the first month. OP isn't trying to prevent her husband from doing things he enjoys because she wants to control him, she's stating that due to past experiences, she will never be comfortable with him going on bikes. He agreed to this by continuing with the relationship. He absolutely has the right to decide that he would rather be able to bike, but then he has to accept that he is breaking the agreement they had for their relationship.
That's valid, but OP needs to stand by her hard line, then. Her post makes it sound more like "if he gives up the bike, then we're good" which is controlling. If I have a hard line boundary around hard drug usage (like I will not date someone who uses hard drugs at all), then if I find out my partner wants to do coke, I'm out. I walk. Simple as that and it wouldn't be "if you do coke, you'll come home to an empty house". It would be, "you know my boundaries on hard drug usage." That's it. They choose to do it, I'm out. We already talked about it, so you already know. OP dropping the ultimatum turns a reasonable boundary into something a bit more manipulative. That said, husband is still an ass and I think his boys have started to dictate how he should feel and how he should dismiss his wife's boundaries.
@@khaleesireyna731 OP is standing by her hard line, by reminding her husband of the consequences of him breaking the boundary she set. Enforcing a boundary does not mean she has to immediately leave and cut all contact. And also, it was an ultimatum from the beginning, just with a different name. "If you ride motorcycles I will not be in this relationship" has always been the rule here. She's just directly stating it here. Ultimatums can be misused, but they're essentially just what you are and are not willing to accept. And I'd argue that they're more reasonable than just leaving, because they offer the other person a choice in the situation.
She was honest with him from the start. He should've left then. He possibly thought, like other fools, he can change her mind despite the fact that she lost several people to bikes. He's choosing the bike over her and she has every right to choose herself over this relationship. His riding is just going to fill her with more anxiety and dread. Are his buddies going to be providing medical care for him if he gets into a really bad accident or does he assume she would do it? He wants to take the risk and that's on him.
2nd Story, my answer probably will not be popular but NTA. Regardless of what others think of this situation, this is strictly about her. IMHO she does not give a flying fig about the child she is carrying, she made that abundantly apparent the first time OP offered to help her and she pretty much told him to bugger off and aborted her first so she could continue to live her reckless lifestyle. The only thing that sounds like has changed now from her previous circumstance is that she is homeless. She is using her unborn child to throw a pity party in hopes of getting financial support and a roof over her head from OP. If she does decide to have this child, hopefully OP's wife and himself file for custody because the way she is going now she is not capable of being a parent. She has a lot of growing up to do. Also one of the other stories with OP saving some of the child support money they receive from their ex and living frugally. I sometimes have to wonder if some of the commenters on reddit just leave their brains in the kitchen sink along with their common sense on occasion. It is not just about the money people, it is about raising a child properly to appreciate what they have regardless of how well off his family is. You do this by leading by example.14 years from now when OP's son turns 18 what kind of human being would you prefer to see enter society. A respectful responsible adult who is happy with the simple things regardless of his wealth and education, knows the value of money and how it must be earned or a entitled adult who thinks the world owes him because he has had everything he wants just handed to him since childhood?
It’s like you are bad guy but, it does not mean you are bad guy. She needs to work on herself to prove herself.
Reddit is pretty hypocritical. They are all for kids cutting out shitty parents, but not parents cutting off shitty kids.
Story 2: NTA the little brat decided to lash out when u were looking out for her best interests and so u respected her wishes and when things blew up as expected she comes crying for help only to be stonewalled by her own actions.
Seriously, family or not just how many times are you supposed to get pushed away before you give up. What is it reddit likes to preach again? "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" Yeah we were all different and probably shitty humans at 21. However, even at 21 I know I damn sure wouldn't have shacked up with a junkie with a criminal record or start turning tricks and my father was straight up abusive so where I can see people react to trauma differently, she has a huge support system from both parents and this doesn't sound like a scenario where she got into this world because of "trauma" or something like that. It seems he tried so hard to help and get her to turn everything around before she dug herself in deeper only to get spat on every time. I know I would have killed for a father like that. And I'm all for genuine second chances but this she isn't saying "I got myself here, I want to turn it around and I was wrong", no, this is and "I need something and I have nowhere else to turn because of my own actions even though it's not my fault".
I say story 2 is a soft ESH on OPs part. The daughter is a major Ahole and a dumbass to boot. Like, honey, he's relapsed, gotten you pregnant and abandoned you twice. Love yourself enough to demand a better partner (that better partner being someone else). OPs a slight ahole for throwing what she said at him back at her in what really seems more of a "kick you while you're already down" type of thing (and honestly, his tone in the entire post just seemed... idk kinda off. Like sorta condescending. Like when he said "Now do you want my help" it may have come off as "You're hella inept and need people like ME to guide you, so will you listen now". No matter how right you are in that assertion, it doesn't make people want to actually listen to you. Also, slight side-eye at how he talked about her job. I'm just not for dismissing and looking down on sex work and sex workers and OP sounded really condescending there. Meanwhile we've legit seen reddit stories of sex workers who bought their own houses outright from their income. Sex work is work. That said, daughter is still the bigger TA in that. Maybe it's just because I'm going through some stuff the last several years that has ended with me cutting off all of my family, but if you cut someone off, don't ask them for help. But still, ESH.
That girl was 100% clear about no bikes from the start and if bikes are suddenly that important to the guy after agreeing to it from the start then yeah it’s time to find other people
When you decide to give up a dream for a relationship you don't get to years down-the-line back track it. The OP set her boundary from the very beginning and told him he can go ahead and go. He put that ring on her finger knowing that this was a condition. Sometimes we can't get over trauma triggers no matter how many years of therapy
You do not get to set a boundary on someone else. The OP in story one is many things the nicest of which I can say is a bad person. Your trauma is your problem and you are responsible for dealing with it. It isn't okay that she basically says she gets to dictate the terms of the relationship 100% because if he ever does something that goes against her wants or desires she will leave. She can say she's being "honest" (which is just the pathetic white girl battle cry when they are being the definition of a dumb bitch) all she wants, but it isn't "honest" it's fucking manipulative. The best case scenario in this relationship is he leaves and then she gets the tar kicked out of her by random muggers on the street.
Seriously don't get that people are ignoring how controlling she's being. If you had a boundary like that it would have to be I wouldn't marry anybody who's interested in motorcycles. Not make my significant other never ride a motorcycle. Side note something that really irritates me. Just because you call something a boundary doesn't make it acceptable.
@@nottheone7269 He knew going into this that this is a dealbreaker for her. She told him years ago.
@@MysticVRB She made it clear this was a dealbreaker at the beginning of their relationship, years ago. It's still a dealbreaker now.
Nta. I've had a cousin like that. You either had to deal with them screaming and throwing fits for everything from doing homework to them picking up their own mess. Or do it for them. Which makes them lazy aholes. Cassie is an entitled brat and wasnt mistreated. She just wasnt rewarded for bad behavior. Also you can invite whomever you want to your wedding
S2; once you whip out the "you're not my real dad!" As an adult, that is your only response until there is a genuine appology.
Pregnant Step-daughter: No vote here. This is too complex to judge without a ton more information. Letting the step-daughter eat the karma of her past abuse of OP might or might not be the right choice. Maybe he's concerned her profession and unstable nature will endanger him and her mom. This is just speculation, but what is NOT speculation is the way she treated OP. Being a step-parent is a crap job. You have all of the responsibilities and duties, but none of the authority of a bio-parent. I could only imagine how it would be to raise a child and then have them tell me I'm not their parent and to go pound sand. Some heartbreaks fundamentally change who we are. Sometimes huge changes can occur in an instant. Maybe this has been a pattern of behavior and OP has finally given up. Trying to be her father all her life, just to be demeaned like this... most people eventually reach a breaking point. Some go numb for awhile or longer. It might well be that OP genuinely doesn't feel much concern for his step-daughter right now. Depending on how badly he's been hurt, he might not be able to.
None of this means it's a good call to leave her on the streets, broke and pregnant. That still concerns me. I get it that karma is biting her and things have gone precisely as OP told her they would, and in a purely objective context OP is well within his rights to refuse to help. But this isn't an objective context. It's the girl he raised, damaged and hateful or not, and she needs assistance now. If she's an active danger I could support OP's refusal. I can even empathize that he feels unable to offer any help, because he's tired of giving his heart only to be stomped on. But there are times when you have to eat pain and rejection to help someone who isn't really in their right mind or is just in dire need.
Child support story Not enough to the story to decide. Is the mom putting any of the child support towards rent, bills and groceries or does mom have/make enough and just pays it all with her money? What does she mean when they go to store and he gets a cheap toy how often are they going to store and is it cheap like .99 cents or $20 -$50 toy???? How much is put in rainy day fund? Just because the dad says future is covered doesn't mean much right now, it's years away and a lot could happen. Not enough to the story to decide
OP NTA. You have told him from the start of dating that motorcycles was a no and he knew why (your reason is 100% reasonable) even told him that if he wants one, u guys needed to break up. HE made the choice to stay and marry you. He knew that being with you meant no life with a motorcycle. Truly I don't thibk he has a right to be all upset and resentful when he knew this for such a long time. He wasted op and his own time and money if he had wanted a motorcycle all this time.
People are dangerous, bikes just have less safety features. Driving while distracted or while intoxicated is deadly, often for more than just the driver.
That's the reason you neither drive intoxicated or distraced. US driving education is a joke anyway
And you know what's more dangerous and causes far more deaths per year: stairs. Unless OP makes her husband carry a helmet for whenever he encounters stairs I don't buy her logic in the slightest.
@@jessicadias5014 Well, until you have to bury a loved one after a bike wreck, or explain to them why they lost an arm, and are paralyzed for life, like my exFIL, you're never going to get it. More people may get injuries from stairs, but they're usually easier to patch up than an injury that occurs at high speeds, usually involving other vehicles. You're really sheltered if you can't tell the difference.
@@pansprayers if you're a biker who rides every single day, yeah statistically you're setting yourself up to get hurt because of just how often motor vehicle crashes happen. Almost every single person who had driven a car has been in a car crash. Now, the chances of getting into an accident when you aren't driving are zero. If the husband was to only ride a bike for this one occasion chances of anything happening are low. And yes I do have family that have been in bike wrecks. My dad is one of them he broke his pelvis and almost didn't make it. He never rode again but his sister and her husband still do. It's a person's individual choice. Plus since he's not a regular rider he might find riding out in the cold air for hours at a time on a bike trip actually takes a lot out of you and it's very possible if he did go he would cop out the first day, lose his interest in riding and everyone would be happy.
Lemme get this straight… your roommate breaks your trust by going into YOUR space, took your underwear to wear, and you’re concerned about HIS feelings!?!? My gosh we live in a 🤡 world!
That’s called a pervert! Call the police!
2nd Story NTA !!!!! This is a classic case of "Don't let your 🐊mouth write a check your ass can't cash" . I'm an adult , you're not my father. Ok say less. Surprised Pikachu face when consequences kick you in the ass. C'est La Vie .
Nta. The hotel won't allow that many ppl in one room. They essentially want to quadruple the amount of ppl staying in a single room. It is a safety and fire hazard. Tell them they should try Airbnb
Story 2: I find it hilarious people on Reddit tried to push aside what the daughter did just because that’s his “daughter” but if it were an abusive parent Reddit wouldn’t be saying they should still take care of them just because that’s there parents
I had sympathy with the lady since she made it clear at the beginning that riding was a deal breaker until she mentioned sky diving. If she is ok with sky diving and not with riding then this is about unresolved psychological issues.
Having said that, she was honest about this from the beginning. I personally feel like one should not live around someone elses Trauma but, looks like he agreed to doing this from the get go.
Skydiving is a less causative activity than riding a motorcycle. That's just logic. Skydiving isn't something that involves an untold number of other people on the road who don't see you, who are driving vehicles that weigh 100x's more than you, have airbags, and four wheels. Don't believe me? Go ask your local ER how many skydiving accidents they've seen in the last year Vs bike accidents.
@@pansprayers the fact that there are a more riders out there than akydivers might have something to do with that.
@@TangomanX2008 there are 0.39 skydiving deaths per 100,000 jumps. That’s 0.00039%. 14% of motorcyclists die in accidents. That’s around a 2000% increase in deaths.
There were 3.9 million skydives in 2019 and 15 deaths. There were 19 deaths in 2012. That’s a 21% decrease. Motorcycle deaths have been increasing every year. There is no comparison here
Keep baby from dad: all good lol
Keep baby from mom: you monster!
Ngl when I heard bike I thought they meant bicycles and I was like ‘HUH??’
My Gr. Uncle was a neurosurgeon. He told me, “Lesley, if people stopped riding motorcycles, I’d be out of business.”
Who ever said that no there are some kids who just refuse to do things could they have done so maybe some therapy maybe but if she's not gonna do it they didn't want to put their hands on her they did what they could
If you don't want to invite your sister to your wedding, don't.
Story 2: NTAH- Step Dad is exactly right to keep daughter at a distance due to her bad choices and bad attitude toward him. Seems a lot like tough love to me to keep her out of your house so that she is forced to figure out that her choices were terrible and dangerous for herself and her children. She's an adult and needs to go to a shelter or CPS like other adults who get themselves into bad situations or who meet up with bad luck.
CPS would be a great call to make, now since the daughters first child was raised around a drug abuser and lowlife that dumped a pregnant woman. Not a great example to set for kids, alongside that of being in the sex industry.
Story1: NTA OP a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. It must not be a reasonable thing to others. OP's husband knew about this dealbreaker from the first month. He knew it's her or biking. He was informed why it's a big deal. He said OK and then suddenly after six years he changes his mind and does the surprised pikachuface when she says he can do it but she will leave him. She did not state a false ultimatum but a fact and is sorry how it came across but stands by it. She reacted poorly, but hey, he basicaly jumpscared her with her trauma she is in theraphie for. After loosing six people the same traumatic way there is only so much therapie can do. He seems to care more about gooing biking with the buddies and living his dream than his wife beeing afraid of reliving her trauma and beeing afraid he'll die every time he rides that bike.
my complaint about the first story is how people would do a 180 if op was a man saying that his so would never be allowed to do something because "reasons", poeple would be screaming bloody murder and manipulative abuser, as well as point out the 39732964932740 red flags they noticed since the first word was spoken in the story... but double standarts i guess.
@@Mephistofeles I try to judge the storys without using genders and/or using something else. In this case I asked myself what if the SO suddenly wanted a dog and they agreed on no dogs since one partner is allergic? Everybody would say it's their partners health and SO is TA for even mentioning buying a dog. If they were a childfree couple that had agreed to be childfree because of reason X and one of the couple suddenly wanted a baby? The SO wanting the child would be TA all over. But they're just a bikefree couple and suddenly the one who is in therapy for years because of a repeated trauma is TA? Nope. I also want to point out the so called ultimatum was made after she offerd a compromise and he turned that down. An other thing that nobody seems to mention is that he run straigth to his buddys and now they are posting divorce jokes in social media? Wonder what he has told them.
In principle, the first story reminds me of some of "H.S. Sweethearts" couples whom end up divorced, purely because one day, one partner "becomes" resentful about "missing out" (aka never having had any other sexual partners). At least with marital vows, no one blames any spouse for refusing to compromise them. OP NTA
Story 1- Strange and ridiculous hill to die on, but it's YOUR hill to choose to die on. You are the only one who can decide if it's worth more than a long term relationship. Take what I say with a big grain of salt, bc I long ago disallowed my son from ever having one on our property bc I had a bike related accident on the freeway, long ago. One rear ended the car I was driving, sending me fishtailing, then he hit me again, after I got the car under control, and that made me hit another car.
I can no longer choose for my son, as he's 18 now, but I CAN choose what is allowed in our house and on our property. He doesn't want a car or a bike yet, but if he ever wants a bike, he'll have to store it somewhere else.
Am I the only one feel BPD vide from Cassie vibe? Granted op said they went to psychologists but he/she also said psychologicsts were limited as well.
Toxic child: I get it. I had a kid like this. She had a learning disability! She hated doing homework and would tantrum almost every night because it was incredibly difficult for her and she’s almost immediately get overwhelmed. She finally got the tutoring she needed and did a lot better. Has toxic sis been tested?
Yes they said they have gone to many doctors and specialists and they all said she didnt have anything wrong. The timestamp is 15:30
Story 1. She has PSTD. She needs to get it under control. He should be able to get a bike and ride. Her fear is controling. I would say compromise.
It's sad their relationship is going to end over a bike.
He knew how she felt and decided to stay. If this really is a no-go leave.
Her: You can't ride a motorcycle because of my anxiety.
Also her: Happy birthday! I got you sky diving lessons!
Me: *Confused Jackie Chan*
It just doesn't make sense.
Yeah, she mentions she lost 6 family members, but doesn't say from what. It would be very odd if ALL of them were due to motorcycle accidents, and if they all were, she would have shouted that in her comment. So, what killed them? And why didn't she make absolute rules about each of their methods of death? Auto accident? Never drive a car. Can't be a skydiving accident; that's a totally no-risk activity in her eyes. Rock climbing? We cool.
Mind you, I was a terrible motorcyclist, and gave it up to preserve my life. Also, it takes time to become skilled and a bit safer on bikes, and him doing a big road trip in his first few months as a rider is probably a bad idea anyway. In all, I'd say they just need live their own lives, because they are both a bit nuts, but in incompatible ways.
Personally, I'm just annoyed with the way she calls it her "boundary". Boundaries revolve around yourself. Your standards and how you wish to be interacted with, treated, and what you wish to do. Telling someone else that them not being allowed to ride a motorcycle is a boundary is misleading and a willful misunderstanding of what boundaries are. You saying that you will never ride a motorcycle is reasonable and a can be considered a boundary. You telling someone else they can never ride a motorcycle is controlling. You don't get to dictate someone else's behavior and call it a boundary. Boundaries are for yourself.
That said, she was clear on it that it was a hard line for her, and the husband made his choice so I'd kinda say it's an ESH situation. She's controlling and he's throwing a tantrum.
@@khaleesireyna731 Her boundary was that she would not date someone who rode motorcycles. Now that he's trying to break that boundary, she's reminding him of the terms of their relationship, which is that he would not break that boundary. He can ride motorcycles if he wants to, but he cannot keep his wife if he chooses to do that.
And the wife made it clear very early on that this was a deal breaker, so I don't think I can agree that it's controlling in this context. She isn't trying to sudden change what he is and is not allowed to do, she's sticking to her original requirements for their relationship.
@@WhiteWolf-lm7gj the fact that she's made it sound like she won't leave if he backs down says otherwise. And yes, phrasing it like "if you do that, you'll come home to an empty house" is manipulative. It's an appeal to emotion. It's implying "you don't want an empty house, do you?" That's what's manipulative. If she just stated "I told you my boundary previously and that's a hard line for me" it would be maintaining a boundary. It would maintain that both of them have their choices/stances. Appealing to emotion with that ultimatum is what changes the dynamic.
The bride needs to check her entitlement.
I have been driving for more than 50 years. I had ONE close call in a car. I had at least 6 close calls during my 3 years on a motorcycle. (OK, I had the usual belief in my immortality, and I was a slow learner.) One was due to my stupidity- going too fast in a curve and laying it down. The rest were due to people looking directly at me and driving out, giving me barely enough room to leave the road and get it stopped, looking directly at me and pulling into my lane with a semi beside me, or passing (across the double yellow line) and driving head on into the car following me. That persuaded me to sell it cheap. Drivers routinely look at you and don't see you. A few deliberately try to kill you for fun. The trouble with bikes is that the inattention or malice of other drivers is likely to kill you, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. If you want to know how dangerous bikes are, talk to EMTs, not ER nurses. EMTs pick up the dismembered pieces- nurses never see them.Most Bikers are under 35. I don't know if there any over 50. Bikes are fun, and a little risky- if no autos share the road. Otherwise, they are "donorcycles." He might be a fun friend for a while- so long as you are OK with him dying violently at any time. BTW, ultra-lights are a lot more fun, cheaper, and just as dangerous, except you are likely to cause your own demise.
Nta on the pregnant daughter story, you don't get to tell someone they aren't your dad when you don't wanna listen then call them your dad when you need something
These ppl who want big weddings they can't afford boggle my mind. Small wedding equals big home down payment. Smh
I hope Cassie finds/ found a chosen family with competence. Her birth one is full of people who think if you just do what you're told everything is fine. that's weak as fuck and people who can't raise kids to make their own decisions are point blank bad at parenting. May they all be engulfed in the flames they set below them thinking they'd hit a child.
The Child Support story upsets me... so many people calling the OP the Ahole when in truth Child Support is used FOR the child... that may be groceries to feed that child or as the OP is doing putting it away for an emergency... there is nothing wrong with that! Also, I had a friend who's ex took her back to court because he was upset that the Child Support she was getting from him was being used towards groceries... He demanded that it ONLY be used on the kids, which the groceries were FOR the kids. The Judge basically told the ex that she has every right to use the Child Support to buy food for the kids and he tried to argue saying it was only meant to give the kids the toys they wanted and the Judge basically laughed at him. He said and I quote "Toys are not something a child needs, but wants. Food is something a child needs along with a roof over their head and clothing" the ex tried to argue but the Judge made him stay silent and then looked into his income and it was ordered he'd pay just $25 more a month for the Child Support since the ex was making more which really set him off. My Friend walked out of the court with the satisfaction of knowing her kids would still have the food they need. Plus, she does buy the kids cloths and toys but not all the time, they don't need new toys every single day LOL
Story 4: More terrible parenting!! Dad is RIDICULOUS for insisting on expensive goods for a 4 year old!! A 4 yr. old still wants to be a football star one day and a dragon slaying knight the next day. OP IS saving for her kid. Fancy clothes are not NEEDS and as wealthy as the X is, no one knows what the future will hold and it's much safer to have 2 funds for the kid than one.
Story 1: OP's husband is being a childish asshole. He knew from the very start, ONE month in the relationship, that she would never be comfortable with him motorbiking. He knew that, and he chose to accept it.... Except now he doesn't? And he's blaming *her*? He needs to get his shit together. NTA
shes literally over controlling. also an ultimatum 6 years ago really? how was he suppose to know what he is going to be thinking 6 years into the relationship.
if she has a trauma to do with bikes then she should have the right to stay away from bikes, absolutely, but she cant project that rule onto her husband even when hes nowhere near her. thats completely unfair.
@@moon-pw1bi that’s not how trauma works though- if you know,for instance,that your SO had specific trauma around say,a certain sex position due to sexual trauma….and was up front that it was off the table completely and had ongoing therapy on the issue but you still went into a relationship willingly with that person, you can’t assume that in the future that boundary won’t exist because it isn’t what you want or isn’t convenient for you. Relationships take compromise,she absolutely has allowed for a large amount of compromise-sky diving for example-but was clear on the bikes. Seems pretty cut and dry,boundaries don’t change,people just normally assume that once the person is in love with them that they will.
@@mimi.dixon.b i agree with you but thats not my point at all. shes right to have a boundary protecting herself from getting involved in a biking activity and reliving her trauma. but when it comes to her partner, i dont think she has the right to transfer that exact same rule she has for herself onto him. what if she had this same trauma but instead of motorbikes it was trains. shes right to be allowed to never go on a train if thats what she needs, and obviously her partner will have to be ok with this. but she cant expect her partner to also never use a train when hes away visiting some friends in a different country.
@@moon-pw1bi yes, but the trauma isn't to do with her participation in and personal fear of biking, it is related to losing individuals to such activities- aka, others participating in the activity. She expects her partner to respect the feelings she experiences when she knows someone she cares deeply for is participating in an activity that is both dangerous and directly related to her past trauma from loss. She doesn't have the right to dictate his actions, true, but where he is doing it has no bearing on the boundary she initially set. She knows he's biking, she knows its dangerous, and she will have a visceral trauma response to knowing that he is in danger the entire time he's doing it- honestly made worse by the fact that it's a biking 'trip' and he'd likely be unreachable by phone for long periods of time, letting her 'death spiral' about worst-case scenarios, and probably having general anxiety at best, a full-blown panic attack or other mental instability, harm, or hospitalization at worst (I know it sounds like wild hyperbole, but trauma is incredibly powerful at altering our ability to perceive and react to the world appropriately).
I just think that since she was very upfront about it, that it was a known boundary and she hasn't taken it to the extent where any potential danger HAS to be avoided by him (aka, its not like she's trying to prevent him from doing anything and everything she might deem dangerous), just this one specific thing related to that past experiences and ongoing trauma shes dealing with. Not to mention, taking that action and putting her in that position may well regress the progress she is making in her ongoing therapy. IMO it was selfish of him to get into a relationship with her to begin with, and frankly, it doesn't seem like he initially took the boundary seriously. If you make a grand statement saying- 'you've made yourself clear on this boundary and I accept that and am willing to respect it for a chance to make you my life partner'- that's your intent, presumably. like in my example, I'm sure the hubby wouldn't be ok with say, pegging (even outside of trauma boundaries), just as a general boundary that I've noticed seems to exist with most strait men. If he said hey, not super cool with a strap on up my poop shoot in the first month of a relationship, and she, 6 years down the road asked again and he maintained that boundary- I would expect her to say, ok then, I love you and am happy with you and respect your boundaries, even if it means I can't do this activity that I would like to do and you don't, because our relationship means more to me than this one single desire being met, and you fulfill me in so many other ways.
Just because she is setting a boundary related to her mental health and not a physical boundary doesn't mean that it doesn't have the permanence of physical boundaries one sets and deserve the same respect. We don't know her trauma, but if people are upfront about their boundaries- I suppose I expect adults to respect that or move on to someone more compatible, rather than assume that as a free adult that you won't make any concessions for your partner's comfort at any point in a relationship because you have an increased desire at some point and don't feel like respecting their boundaries anymore. Its childish and entitled, and not how mature relationships should function.
@@moon-pw1bi dude. She told him it would ALWAYS be a dealbreaker. People are allowed to have dealbreakers and boundaries. She gave him 100% fair warning that it would never ever change. He does not have to stay with her. If his life dream is actually to go motorbiking, he can do that WITHOUT her in his life. He doesn't get to force her to put her boundaries and dealbreakers aside and make her uncomfortable just because time has passed since the boundaries were stated. It's like when I told my boyfriend that chewing dip was a dealbreaker, (except motorbiking is actually more dangerous) so if he ever starts chewing dip 5 years down the road, I'll remind him how repulsive I find people who do that, and if he doesn't stop, then I will leave, just like I said I would. Everybody has that right. Fuck off.
Wow wedding girl you should be so grateful to your brother gifting you 5 grand for your wedding. That's so generous. I'm a similar situation in my family my sister chose study whilst I chose to have a baby. We both really wanted a baby in the family but she is my baby and my responsibility. She has helped me a lot financially through the years. I have an account saved to paying her back as it is not her job to keep me in the lifestyle I chose. I help cook and clean her house as she is busy and works long hours aswell as paying her back. She discounts what ever money I owe her I insist she doesn'thave to that I gladly help her. She told me to forget about the money but I'd never do that as my choses are not her responsibility the same way as hers aren't mine but we help each other anyway. How are you helping your brother? Why do you think he should pay for a wedding of all things, this is a luxury, not a necessity and definitely not his job to spend his and his wives hard earned cash on your whims! Entailted much !
New baby. Mommy is nuts!!! Run RUN RUN 🏃♀️ AND RUN
"....even as a teenager, acted like a child"
...well, there's a good reason for that. Teenagers are children....
The mom is keeping her kid real, and not being entitled brat.
Lol, a day after i was born, my dad went and bought a Harley Davidson motorcycle... i think too hard about that sometimes...
1:28:21- as much as the "problem" is op/sil not getting along, the solution really boils down to "does op's partner want his brother at the wedding?" if he doesn't, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. if he does, i'm pretty sure everyone involved will know that you're inviting his brother, but not going to the level of asking him to show up without his wife...
I get motorcycles are more dangerous than cars, I wouldn't feel like I'd be able to dictate what they choose to ride/enjoy. I'd only beg they wear a helmet at least.
Re cross dressing room invader: NTAH!! Make him pay for the clothes and dead bolt and have him evicted. No need to explain. I'd have called him IMMEDIATELY on seeing the trespassing on the cam and warned him to get out and stay out if he didn't want cops involved.
Hotel one: NTA. Most hotels only allow number of people equal to 2 people per queen/king/pull out bed and 1 person per twin/full.
I really hope that guy goes on a moto trip with the lads
The entitlement of the woman expecting her bother to contribute $20,000 for her wedding is ridiculous and made even worse by her being offended by “only” being offered £5000. BTW Doctors early in their career DON’T actually earn a massive amount especially considering the hours they work probably debt from University.
SHE made her life choices that meant she doesn’t have a lot of money which isn’t uncommon for a 23 yr old anyway.
OP from second story is straight Taurus energy
Stand your ground, don’t let them close to your wedding. Nta
1st Story: NTA. I feel for OP's husband, but this has been an explicit boundary since their very start of dating. OP does need to get her grief under control, and I hope she does. But to put this into perspective, I'm an avid martial artist and have done a lot of full-contact fighting. My then-girlfriend told me she was fine with that, but didn't want me to fight competitively. She didn't give me an ultimatum, but asserted it was important to her. I'd been considering the idea for some time at that point, but decided her boundary was reasonable, and since I'm a computer programmer, probably better not to scramble my noodles.
I dont think anyone is an asshole in the 1st story. Riding a motor cycle is more dangerous than sky diving. When I was a kid a 18 year old guy died riding his mom's motorcycle in my neighborhood with no helmet. Doesn't matter if your the best rider my friend's Dad got hit by a driver that wasn't looking and took 3 years to recover.
I agree they just aren't compatible
She made it a clear boundary early in the relationship i think it makes him a liar if he backs out of agreement. I would loose trust and feel super betrayed in someone who backed out of something that i made clear was super important to me.
She was wrong to set the boundaries if she loved him she would allow her partner to have enjoy motorbikes as it’s something he likes to do
No it is a reasonable ask. She made it clear early on that it was a deal breaker for her and he agreed to it. It is also one of the more reasonable asks considering how many people get permanently disabled or killed on bikes.
@@Twilight24682 he could have just not been with her tho, he made the choice. Motorcycles are very dangerous and she’s entitled to boundaries. She was upfront about them, he made the choice.
@@Twilight24682 Ah, yes. How can she clearly, consistently and plainly set boundaries? The horror.
@@shammydammy2610 You do not set boundaries for other people. Her setting a boundary would have been: "I don't want to lose someone to a motorcycle accident so I won't date anyone that even remotely has interests in riding a bike. Because it would be wrong of me to tell another human being that they can't do something just because I'm a weak pathetic entitled fucking cunt who can't get over my own feelings." That's a boundary. She never should have agreed to continue seeing him from the gate. She is putting the blame on someone else for being pissed off that she's a controlling manipulative cunt rather than putting it where it belongs, on herself for not cutting the relationship when SHE knew it wouldn't work.
What is so wrong with NOT spoiling the child? She is NOT raising her kid to be another Karen. Hats off to her.
Harley Davidsons story, any bikes: FLYING ON WHEELS 🤗❤️
Story 3: NTA. I had three siblings like the one OP has. if anything, they were rarely punished. Clearly favored because they were boys so my parents were a lot more reasonable with them in terms of chores/homework. Only got punished when they got on my parents nerves. When they were, they'd act like there was some kind of favoritism going on and would play victim. Siblings like that don't see that their actions are the reason they are getting punished. They like to make things harder on themselves by doing nothing to try to stop getting in trouble and just have a toxic habit of defying. In their minds, its easier to just defy because its their habit. They haven't made it a habit to be responsible so its harder for them and so they take the "easy" route.
Story 2: NTA. Reddit is weird. Parents disrespecting, manipulating and crossing their child's boundaries is enough for reddit to tell the kids to cut contact with the parents but now that the shoe is on the other foot, OP has to put up with bullcrap from his daughter even though she constantly refused his help and said all kinds of hurtful things when he only wanted her to be happy and thrive. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. Even with a baby involved, you CHOSE to make that baby. You CHOSE to date someone who didnt care about you. Which wouldnt be so bad if you hadn't said all of those hurtful things. We all make crappy decisions. But when you're an Ahole about it when people genuinely try to help you, that's all on you.
I really dont get all YTA for story 1. She clearly said, that bikes is no-no to her from the beggining.
Please stop diminish her trauma, my mother have same feeling about bikes and this without any death related events, i was told from young age, that if i get a bike
that it'll have dire consequnces, maybe it's a little controlling but for duck sake, all ppl entitled for their boundries.
Honestly, OP better without husbund.
Because she’s being contradictory. She allows her husband to do literally every dangerous activity under the sun but BIKING is where she draws the line?
Agreed. Everything can be risky but she’s not saying he can’t drive a car or even do extreme sports (like sky diving which is statically SAFER than motorcycles). She had this one hard limit that she was upfront about from the very beginning. It would be the same as someone saying their child free or they don’t want a partner who’s a smoker. Partner can do whatever they want but OP was very clear they would not stay in the relationship.
The story about the step daughter
Reddit is on crack. She’s a grown adult that has told her step dad she’s independent woman and doesn’t need anyone.
The only reason the are on her side is because she’s a woman. Everyone’s saying to help her but she can just use OP and go back to doing whatever she wants because she knows she has a dad she can walk all over.
1st story: NAH. It's not your boundary he is crossing. You are crossing his. I know you are putting your foot down because he care and you worry for him, and although he did choose to give it up for you, you HAD to know that honeymoon feeling would go away and he would want a bike one day. He should be willing to look into alternatives, like three wheels.
As a single mum who loves motorbikes. Screw them get a bike license. 🏍
I did have a nasty accident. It has changed my life but it wouldn't change my mind. I will continue to ride.
Story three - on one hand, I was a nightmare kid at times, on the other hand, I’m autistic which explains a lot😅😅 I don’t know how to feel because it seems biased to the point I can’t tell what details are exaggerated in each way.. I mean being treated worse to the point the other kids realized it would definitely alienate you from your family but on the other hand you can invite whoever the hell you want to your wedding. I know it was hard for my mom to get me to get work done as a kid but now I take adhd meds which helped, cause even now if I don’t take them, I remember I was trying really hard to write a paper but for the life of me couldn’t read the whole paragraph of damn instructions on it because I hadn’t taken those meds for a bit (was changing meds at the time) and couldn’t connect each part of it for the life of me. I was even trying to be productive by doing it a week in advance of the due date, which saved my ass when I had to go back on my meds to finish it! I know I would totally be screwed if I was in her place, but on the other hand my mom sat down with me and helped with my homework as a kid and I got professional help. Last year I got a 4 on two AP exams (math and english), so it’s not like I’m too stupid to do the work either. I don’t know, either way Cassie should probably look into professional help because I’m sure growing up like that could do a number on her self worth and stuff.. oof sorry for the big rant, have a nice day/night and stay hydrated!!
Child support. The mother needs a new purse and shoes. Forget the kid. What about mommy???
1st story. OP is Not the a-hole. Step daughter will not change. She will use whomever she can to get what she wants. Then return to her old ways the moment she is in.
I had to allow my daughter to hit rock bottom. I had to stop enabling her. After she hit rock bottom, and on her own completely. She turned her life around.