"I'm taking applications for a LAVENDER MARRIAGE"
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
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In this episode, we dive into the topic of lavender marriages. Elle explores the history, controversy, and modern evolution of these unconventional unions. She discusses how the rebranding and resurgence of lavender marriages today reflects three key societal issues: the persistent stigma around being single, the economic pressures that make dual incomes almost necessary, and some women's disillusionment with men due to their perceived lack of consideration and competence. Elle takes listeners on a journey from the early 20th century Hollywood lavender marriages to today's more diverse arrangements, offering insights into how societal expectations, economic factors, and changing relationship dynamics are reshaping our understanding of partnership.
Lavender marriage also exposes how much we end up in shitty relationships just so we are not alone.
Sometimes we want to be with someone we trust and have a good relationship, not a husband.
I'm pretty much in a lavender marriage, except my husband isn't gay. We're just good friends and roommates. Haven't had sex in almost 4 years.
@@MarsMellow84 can I ask why?
@@meera1471probably asexual
@@MarsMellow84 Is it a choice from both of you, or one of those cases where the wife isn't interested and the husband grows more resentful over the years until he snaps and cheats or gets violent one day?
Right! A true companion!
I didn't realize this had a name. Me and my best friend (who was a gay man) had an agreement that if we were single when we got older we would get married for financial and legal protection as neither of us had any other family. This was before gay marriage was legal, and we joked about getting married for his citizenship (to have all the rights a straight couple has.) It's hard to remember that gay marriage wasn't a thing in the U.S. for more than half my life. He died of an aneurysm 4 years ago. The funny thing is, we did love each other and were as close as any two people could be. Sex doesn't make a marriage. A strong bond makes a marriage. Aaaaand now I'm cry laughing at the ridiculousness of not getting to marry my gay best friend.
Hugs for you, darling! You are wonderful, and I bet he was a gemstone, too! 🌹
Aww I’m so sorry for your loss..have a happy and safe life..
you loved him and that's all that matters
you loved him and that's all that matters
I don't get why sexuality is tied to having a family or marriage at all. I've always wanted to live with friends, not with a romantic and a sexual partner.
It's really sad that, when s3x is taken off the table, the man is suddenly pitching in around the house and being an equal partner.
Was in a marriage like this and can confirm, not only does it not play out equally (in contrast to how good the offer initially sounds), but he doesn't need to be straight to SA you when you're not expecting it
@@persephonecalliasexactly at the end of the day they're a man afterall, it's more safe to build small communities with only women tbh
Omg THIS. Why is it when they want or get sex they IMMEDIATELY Loose all respect for their partner?!? Shouldn’t it be the opposite?! But a lot of men treat it like some sick “gotcha, I get to treat you like crap now” moment and it’s GROSS
“No.” Has gotten me so much farther in life than “yes.”
@persephonecallias
It certainly doesn't change their entitlement & objectification bc of socialization
He's just made a better offer than I've heard in the last 10 years from a straight man
The straight men will tell you how lucky you are to be married to them. HAAAAAA!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@celeste3100 This man said the same thing! talking about holidays and cooking - whatever he thinks will work to draw in a fool he wants to use and would then be able to walk away with 50% of their assets.
@@JentilNissaaNo fr why did nobody mention this?? He just wants the dual income so HE can afford a house. Whoever marries him needs to have a good prenup in place
@@MsKateC2Kbut living in a bigger place with more people might be more affordable than what each individual pays for a whole separate appartement, and where I live there are not even much options and the single appartement prizes are nuts. I thought that's what he's talking about
Nah fr I would be in his DMs if he stayed anywhere near me this agreement sounds ideal 😂
I'd rather marry a gay man that takes care of me and makes me feel at peace but have no physical intimacy with, than a straight man who cannot even meet the bare minimum and then gets frustrated and resentful when I'm not in the mood.
Eggs with str8 men is awful and you won’t miss it.
I'd rather support myself. They really aren't any different bc of socialized behaviours
@@fantym1633 This, right here!
Dude I was thinking about trying to marry a gay man, even if he’s with someone, just for the security. Not monetary but just being protected by a man but not a straight man.
@@celeste3100get a big, Rottweiler, pitbull, or German Shepherd that you train to protect you. Then you don’t need a man to do that.
As a gay woman:
1) for the straight ladies in the comments who want to marry other women to avoid all this mess with men, go for it!
2) BUT if you do, be honest about the fact that you’re straight. You can find other straight women who want the partnership you’re looking for. But don’t leave loveless relationships with men by putting lesbians in loveless relationships with women that aren’t attracted to them
Absolutly, thats vile .... I knew a girl who claim to be bi and she dated My gay friend, she destroyed her cu she pretty much acept later that she was just curious and left her for a man ... Thats horrible!!!!
Doing to lesbian what men have done to women since forever, treat them as if their feelings don't matter.
This would on,y work if the woman admit being hetero but wanting to be married for convinience not love and don't fool rhe lesbian of ANYTHING love related
Great comment! It’s awful to be with someone and discover they not attract to you ! That’s the description of a woman in a relationship with a man in DL as well.
@fxngs ikr, I think sometimes straight women exploit lesbian relationships without considering how their actions affect gay women. I see too many straight women dating bi, trans, or lesbian women just to abandon them as soon as a man gives them a glance. I'm straight and the only reason I haven't dated a woman yet, is because I wanna make sure first. Those queens deserve the best... they are not place holders
/yeah, you need to make it clear cus it is really a bad thing when you give someone hope and then dumping them just because they are not your preference. I only dated bi women and my exes and I think really differently. I choose to face the harsh treatment of society and embrace my sexuality when all my bitches all ended up dumping me just because they thought it might be "cool" to be in a lesbian relationship when they only are 80 percent straight and 20percent gay. I mean I can understand the fact that they are not that attracted to women. I also have bi friends who are more prone to men or more prone to women. But using me just for their good is just bad. I still date bi women but I also wish that I would be able to meet a lesbian too.
What's with the biphobia? Just because you broke up, doesn't mean they used you. Obviously they were attracted to you at some point, what does it matter if they're a 2 or 3 on the Kinsey scale? @@mariatrinitymya8618
Straight women should marry each other. To make a statement. Times have changed. Im literally moving 0.5 miles away from my bestie in 5 days.
Good luck with your move :3
Some women do, for the platonic friendship but the benefits of marriage
When I was a junior in high school, my best friend at the time and I made a marriage pact. I think it was if we were both unmarried by 36, we'd marry each other if it were legal. Great thing is was legalized, and I found out how crappy that friend was. But it's interesting that we were having these thoughts all that time ago, and how mens' behaviors have only validated the idea.
@@Itsunclegabby same here
@Itsunclegabby well I'm sorry it didn't workout with her. Guess it was for the best. Having genuine female friendships is a rare commodity so let's hold on the ones we have. Go's knows I do lol.
The pact my bestie, that I met in my 30s, is that we're retiring together even if we get married
My friend (gay man) entered into one of these marriages 10 years ago. They were in their 50s. She was a professional but broke single mom because she had just put her children thru college. My friend is a high powered financial lawyer. They had been friends for years and came to an amenable financial agreement and married. She’s had a terrific life since then and I admire her intelligence in securing this for herself. I, on the other hand, was in a traditional marriage where I was worked like a mule both in and out of the house- full time job, raising children and doing all the household chores. She lives in palatial splendor, travels, has servants and I imagine can take lovers if she wishes.
If you worked outside the home fulltime you weren't an American trad wife you were scammed.
I know I was scammed now. I’m 70 and we didn’t question what we added to the marriage back then. You just did it. I am so glad you young women are refusing this nonsense.
@@o_roseybeing a trad wife is still a scam. Being a woman in the patriarchy is a scam.
@@Alixir1228 I know but she was doubly scammed, one of the longest running scams is women working outside the home and doing all the chores in the home, it's a bigger scam than being a trad wife
@@o_roseyGood luck paying the bills and education and hobbies of multiple children with one salary.
Wow, even gay men know how resourceful a woman is. Says a lot about the state of men in general.
Is this the truth!
Are you a radfem
@@Kiwonfu Yep, the raddest of them all.
@@Kiwonfuanything wrong with that?
@@Anti-PC-OG-Feminist ?? Im a radfem to
Lavender marriages have, generally, always been for convenience. Especially during times where you could potentially lose your life. That way, gay men and lesbian women could benefit from the protections of marriage (especially for women when they couldn't handle their own money) while still being able to form romantic/sexual connections with those they truly wanted to. Being queer and coming from an extremely conservative family, I get the intrigue.
Women are DISPROPORTIONATELY negatively affected during a recession which is around the corner. In addition, the mideast war will cause oil prices to spike which will lead to prices soaring in ALL goods and services. Please build your community to survive the coming changes. Sharing Women-only living spaces, child care and urban gardening are places to start.
I bear wanna move
This is why people who don't care about their kids should have had any. Those of us with no family and tons of trauma barely survived 2020 and will be the first to not survive this. I really hope women stop having kids with broke men or just to keep a man. And I'm praying for a Lacender marriage opportunity.
We're not about to be in a recession. In fact the economy is doing great. Only normal people like us don't see that because it's the rich people raking in all our money
@@Khaegch-favh What you perceive to be a "Lavender Marriage" may land you from the frying pan right into the fire. A mindset of fear and insecurity often ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. For me, focusing on mental health, investing in my sisters or going overseas where I have residency/citizenship is how I will survive this apocalypse.
@@PraiseTheFSMonster I am well aware that rich people are doing well. I am one of them if you didn't realise. My point is that unless you understand how the system works and what is coming down the pike, you will be taken out. There is too much momentum built into the system for any one of us to take it down. The only solution is to build a new system. That will take time. You need to survive the transition if you are to make it to the new world. Think about it.
searched lavender marriage . this video was uploaded 17 sec ago.
I didn’t know it had a name! My bff and I would talk about doing this as adults if we couldn’t find husbands and wanted kids. Just two girlies 🤭 We were in JR high and looking back, no wonder her dad thought we were a gay couple 😂
@@alwaysyouramanda becareful doing that because the state could say it's marriage fraud.
As an only child, I've been worried about dying alone my whole life. Once my parents are dead, I'll have to rely on my friends to handle my final affairs and make sure my pets don't starve in my house next to my dead body. It would be very nice if there was someone I could always trust to handle my affairs without marriage or romance. Friends move away and have their own families, so I can't always rely on them. It's hard.
Seems like this is perfect for you .. pair up w a trusted someone 💞
I feel this, I haven’t had kids it will just be me 💕 I’m ok with it but I feel you! 😊
This isn't a fear of mine, but it is one reason why I won't have any more pets. Having no friends or family is just inconvenient.
Friends are notorious for forgetting about you when they're in a relationship.
I am a single mom and lemme tell ya - it rules in every way. I never want a relationship again - not even a lavender one. People may look down on single moms but it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I have never been happier.
Some (single moms) are desperate, some are free. The problem is men mostly encounter the desperate ones and paint us with the same brush. Sir I will be happily alone forever, bye!
Some women love it and find it easier than being a married mom.
Understandable. I hate that they look down on us, but right now a lavender marriage would be good for me until I graduate college 😂then i’ll be a divorcee with no problem
I'm a single mom of 3 so maybe it's because I have so many kids but I'm just as miserable away from their dad as I was with their dad. And I'm more stressed because with him I was a SAHM. He was barely even home, he worked a LOT. Now I live with my helicopter mom and have very little money. I also have a boyfriend and I don't wanna talk about that 😅.
@@laynaastrid7674it's literally impossible for us to do it on our own in this economy unfortunately.
And we didn’t even talk about military marriages! The way they’ll pair up with a *stranger* just to receive those benefits??? Convenient!
RIGHT?!
Yeah, there is real abuse in military for fake marriages. They use the taxpayers' money to get those benefits without being real. Then, the citizens should admire and bow to them "thanks for your service". I'm grateful for real soldiers protecting our country but to be fair they do get paid well and they should not be treated any differently than the regular citizens paying taxes into the society.
But this is not the case. He wants to place 50%, in the practice, that usually becomes more than 50 to a woman, Military marriages are more like if you marry me and I get those benefits, I will repay to you with all you gave me acces to. (100% benefits to you and both)
As someone on the asexual spectrum, I really appreciate you bringing up my community in this conversation! Not everyone wants a romantic relationship, does that mean we are any less deserving of community and other kinds of love?
@@GingerQueenie Nice to see someone from the ace community here (I'm demi) :3
also (not meant to be a jab at you) not wanting to be in a romantic relationship is 'aromantic', not asexual. they are two different things
@@strawberrysolar9086 exactly I hate that everyone uses them interchangeably
I consider myself to be both I’m not interested in romantic or sexual relationship. Just friendships but this lavender wedding intrigues me because with the way the US is going this might be the only way for the LGBTQ community to keep any of our rights and protections
@@18marshmello exactly..I’m worried about the laws internationally..
I was just talking about it with my friend the other day. I always fall for men who happen to be gay because I look for someone empathetic, sweet, delicate, affectionate with a sense of humor, good taste, love for art and who likes fashion and dressing well. All those qualities are very difficult to find in a straight man. At least where I live straight men are very primitive, they are violent, their main hobby is hunting and football and they don't seem to know what personal hygiene is. I've been single for years for that very reason. It's very sad that my options are either to be with a primitive man or loneliness. For my own safety and health I have chosen loneliness...but it's sad to get to that point. I really need a lavender marriage 🪻
Part of it might be that a man like that probably won’t do well in society
Too bad there aren't more gentlemen, or simply just a revival of manners and well-rounded people in society.
If I am going to date a man, he has to has to be a little fem. I also been single forever because those type of overly masculine men scared the f out of me. This could be because of bad experiences I had since a child, the guys who would overcompensate in their masculinity were the biggest bullies. Those type of overly masculine ones are strangely attracted to me even tho I give them no attention, the pick mes love those men that over compensate.
I had similar struggles, and what I ultimately did was find an international matchmaking service and that's where my fiance and I met. I don't want to generalize, but there's a definite noticeable difference between dating the typical American man and other countries (not every country, and of course you can't make assumptions that because someone is from x country they will be different). But, I'd definitely try looking into it, I had no luck with the dating scene when I stayed local, so sometimes it helps to look further away.
@@thebcwonder4850 depends on which society you’re living in. In East Asia that man is flourishing and rich AF. The one that doesn’t flourish is the violent, game-hunting man who’s into American football.
Although I am not in lavender marriages, I maintain this type of relationship with 4 (gay) couples. They are either jokingly called a husband or "sister wife" (yeah bad joke but I dance to my own rhythm..lol). Mostly living in Europe and the US, they host me, travel with me, send (nearly expired) frequent flyer miles for travel, and provide emotional support when needed. Before getting married, my Polish (husband) sent for me to visit Warsaw. At the airport he was waiting with the traditional flower. When he married, I met up with him and his significant other in Bali. I also have the keys to my Italian husband's apartment in Rome. Part of the reason, I laugh when straight men say we are lonely bitter ladies is the fact that although nothing intimate, I get more connection with these men than I do with a low bare minimal man. I have come to realize (at my big age) that sometimes straight men really have no intention of sharing a life. They seem to want to figure out what use a woman can be to them. Just my thoughts.
Sometimes i feel like, women and queer communities should just group together and make our own community..
Alot of women in this comment section might object that lgbt+ shouldn’t be included but they don’t realise that women wouldn’t have to rely upon straight men for reproduction..
Having children could become a joint venture between gay and lesbian/female platonic couples…
But i wonder if some women will be too homophobic to let that happen..
I think this is correct. Of course “not all men” but a good chunk for sure
Go girl I love the freedom & options 💪
I don’t feel any social pressure to not be single at all. My family seems happy I’m not letting a man drain me and make my life worse anymore. I’ve never felt more free and worthy and valuable and loved then when I’ve been single and it shows. My glow up is directly linked to not having a man making me suffer. With the 4b movement and what countless women are saying I feel being single is widely supported by my society.
Where do you live?
Me too. Am si gle and my family never cared! Am so lucky
4B for life
It's wild that lavender marriages are still a thing these days.
Girl, a lot of women are in lavender marriages and they don't even know it.
As long as theres traditional cultures it will be there
He’s actually got so much to offer. 🤭🎀❤️
You just discovered Asia and Africa exists
@@tahsina.c I'm Asian. I still think it's wild.
The steep uptick in misogyny and resurgence of homophobia is already resulting in a return of both Boston & Lavender Marriages. ( Unsurprisingly.) I honestly wouldn't mind a Boston Marriage if it wouldn't drive my family insane.
What's a Boston marriage??
@@spiritualBaddi Two women living together, usually covert lesbians.
I was just telling my coworkers we need to build our own communities like compounds of single mommies that share in the raising of the kids. The one rule would be no men with in the compound.
You have a hot date? Cool Mary's on babysitting duty this weekend so you can leave the compound this weekend ,we got the babies.
Good luck with the No men stipulation. Some women find it hard to have boundaries when it comes to men, especially when at the expense of other women.
@@WellBeing999 yeah pick mes will always put other women in danger.
@@ladybug3380 then they can get kicked out :3
THAT’S WHAT I SAID..
All of these women wouldn’t have to risk being involved with strange men who can harm their children and will have a loyal companion…both the women could raise each other’s children and be happy…
@@WellBeing999 yes absolutely..pick me’s are the biggest snakes 🤦🏻♀️
as someone on the aromantic spectrum, it took me so long to realise I was different and didn't really want a romantic relationship. everything in society (media, family, friends, ...) sells you the idea that having a romantic relationship is the goal, is the ultimate thing to achieve and you're not normal for not necessarily wanting that. when there can be so much happiness and love and satisfaction from other relationships, that are out of the traditional relationship pattern (not that this type of relationship is bad or non fulfilling of course, many people are happy with it). I think as a society we should explore more variety when it comes to partnership and normalise having someone by your side that isn't necessarily your lover, or even your friend, but something in between, overlapping, or something else entirely! relationships can have such a wide spectrum!
Break Free from the programmed beliefs hehe good for you!!
I’m a little old, but I would absolutely marry that man who was looking for a lavender wife…. I’m a great cook and I’m pretty good at cleaning. He was adorable, fun and hilarious!! I actually think it’s a great idea.
I am not the best at cleaning but I am a creative and excellent cook and a good teacher! Honestly, my dream for most of my life was to live with a girl bestie until i was 70 because that seemed way more awesome than being married to a man. Come to realize i am a bit gay, though I avoid relationships with women because I don't want to put a woman or myself through my family's drama, and I'm not willing to cut them off just cuz of my preferences.
I had considered lavender marraiges before and honestly, that would probably make me so happy. I prefer women to men.
Straight Women should marry each other.
Basically all my single girlies date/pamper/spoil each other already 💁♀️
marry us bi women too
Why? I'm sorry it does sound silly but I will never go lesbian.
@@LoveLife-oo9czyou must be a child because that's not what they said. Marriage is a contract. It doesn't mean romantical.
It's called a Boston Marriage lol
I understand why a gay man might need a woman as a wife. I don’t understand what a woman gains?? Until he is rich, generous and friendly 💁♀️ However, let’s be honest, many women are already living in lavender marriage, the hubby has used them as his beard without them even knowing it 😂😅
True 😂
Women forget too often that gay men are still men. This arrangement would mainly benefit lesbians in third world countries nowadays. If you’re already a free woman with financial stability, there aren’t many reasons to enter a lavender marriage.
@@saeranchoi3343yeah we might as well just marry each other instead of a gay man
@@saeranchoi3343ur missing the point of lavender marriages with that statement. Number one, to be in this marriage is voluntary and he's asking who wants it, especially if a woman finds herself in the same situation. Number two, there is still a stigma around gay marriage for both men and women and getting into relationships like these take a target off their back. I am aware that the spoiled girlie support group looks to empower women, which I am all for, but whenever Elle brings up something about the LGBTG community, I often find disparity and sometimes slander in the audience because her audience is often straight. There is a lot of nuance being missed here, but I understand what you mean by asking the questions of what a woman gains in these.
@@imayormaynotbewatchingvinc1465so why don't you explain the nuance
I am always afraid that I might end up that way in a lavender marriage. As a lesbian, it is really tiresome to see my parents talking about my future husband and they might force me to marry someone who is a man. My mom said in the future if I am gonna marry a woman and have children the children might become fatherless and stuff like that. She even go on saying my children are like mutts. But considering the fact that it is kinda beneficial, I should keep that in mind!
Im so sorry you have to go through that
The gall of that woman.
I’m sorry, but your parents saying that if you don’t marry a man, your children will end up Fatherless is insane, especially in this day and age even straight women that have children with men* half the time end up fatherless.
Me too
Sorry you're going through this but also friendly reminder! Many children go through HORRIFYING shit and would have been better off without a "father" 😬
I didnt know there was a label for this 💜 I almost considered this so I could share my health insurance with good friend. He was a fantastic cook, cleaned with joy and helped me get my finances on track.
Saw a TT that said that all marriages were marriages of convenience in some way bc as a woman, it would be stupid (and fatal) to marry a man who didn’t have means bc you didn’t have rights. I think that Marrying for “love” is only a recent mainstream idea (recent as in the 19th century). Sure people back in the days used to marry for love but the main thing was that the man had means that would benefit the woman and her family for selling her off.
While that makes sense, it's not wholly true.
One of the founding members of New York City was a smuggler and a, ahem, woman-of-the-night, but by all accounts loved each other dearly.
In traditional countries women still do that chosing a man is also choosing someone nice with a good salary and a house
This explains why conservatives are so against gay marriage. What they were really worried about is that women would choose women. Marriage is a partnership that must be equally beneficial to both partners, and women are more likely to share childcare and household chores equally. When conservatives warned that gay marriage would ruin the institution of marriage, they were not so much worried about gay rights, they were more worried that women would not choose them.
They were worried for the men 😅 soo truuue this is hilarious and sad and now sooo obviii too 😂
Or maybe the fact that when a man and a woman commit themselves to each other they can spontaneously create a human being and benefits should be set aside to help the pregnant woman and eventual children in that situation.
Absolutely! Also, they were terrified that gay marriage would redefine gender roles. The more women they lose to queer relationships, the more pressured they are to treat women better in het relationships.
Hey... conservative here, not all of us are POSs. I watch these videos and I like the idea of lavender marriage. I honestly get shit for being a vergin at 30 because I delt with physical abuse for years, and SA in college. Like I can't help that I want a hug but also flinch when people go to give me a pat on the back!
@@alexcaplan9271not to give unwanted advice but you might want to look into somatic therapy 💓 I’m sorry you’re living with that trauma. You deserve to enjoy being hugged!
my last resort is actually lavender marriage to get out of my toxic Household where I'm restricted to not work and be free
Dudeeee samee, like i want to get out but i can't, but i would want to soo bad
Break FREE babybeeee
What's sad is that things like lavender marriage only look so compelling to some people because society puts so much importance on the artifice that is marriage, and sets itself up in a way that often makes it necessary.
Society is obsessed with making people legally bind themselves to one another, and I think it's been a net negative. Also, it's been predominately for men's benefit, not women's.
True. I think in countries/societies where the discrimination against single people has diminished to a level of nagging parents and some weird looks at parties, it's almost a duty to not give in to the pressure. Someone's got to keep pushing things forward. Going into a lavender marriage at the stage of a society like the US seems like giving up to me.
Go 4B and create a small community of supportive women! Vet the male entry in this community very shrewdly!🤔🤔😒😏
I literally was just reading up on this. It's insane that Elle is doing a video on it I'm so glad Elle is covering this topic.
Thank you Elle 🙏🙏.
After happily being together and living together for 12 years, me and my partner will marry for convenience since he's almost to the age of getting a pension and my job situation is weaker. If anything happens to him, I'll get (as a widow with a child) 80% of what he's entitled to. No way we are risking on losing this money, esp. with a 21 months old toddler. Marriages have always been for convenience of some sort. We are now hopping on the train as well!
As a single mum I can vouch for this. I left both my girls dad's because they were abusive and had no interest in working on themselves. Meanwhile my brother and his wife won't have me around there kids because I'm not married. It's actually really sad. We were so close growing up and he was the sweetest boy. Now he is just another brainwashed Minion. I'm still the same girl he grew up with. But all he can see is that I'm unmarried. I honestly thought about marrying someone just because it hurt so much to not know his babies. But why should I have to be unhappy to be valued? It isn't right.
Wow. I've been married 25 years and I've always said if anything happened to this relationship I would never marry again but now I think I would find some lovely older gay man who never found love and pair up for mutual support and companionship. Can't wait to watch the video.
I had a gay best friend in high school. He was the best.
The Wedding Banquet by Ang Lee is also about a Lavender Marriage.
I'm so glad I decided to sit in the front of the class. I scrolled across a couple shorts and came to check out this channel. I was skeptical as I agreed with some views but thought others were too "extreme" but I decided to hear you out and watched a few more videos. I came to realize that your views aren't extreme, they just challenged what I was conditioned to believe and accept. I had makeup wipes, cheap moisturizer, and diy haircuts as I didn't want to ask "too much" of my bf. You gave me the courage to speak up for myself and raise my standards. My bf was happy to give me his card, I get my hair & nails done regularly, and I have a REAL skincare routine. It's only been a few months but I'm SO much happier and more confident! You really helped a girlie out, thank you!! 💕
Lavender marriage is a big thing in LDS church, i have my solid scepticism about it. Not to mention Gay men are still men. And there are cases where men lied about being gay, to get close to women. Boston marriage would be a lotttt better option. Especially, if women create a community for those in a boston marriage.
Might be a good idea on paper, but deliberately DL men have ruined that concept and a lot of women don't want to take the risk even with that.
What does DL mean in this context?
@@Nonnitot Down low. Quite a few men pretend to be straight due to societal pressure and internalized homophobia but cheat on their straight girlfriends/wives and often end up bringing back STDs and direct anger/frustration at their female partner instead of being honest and open about who they are. Being gay is OK, but lying and cheating is not.
Exactly what I was thinking. How many women were unknowingly in a lavender marriage? Even gay men are capable of using women.
That part!👍🏾🙌🏾💯
what does dl mean
Thank you, Elle 🎉
😮Everybody: don’t waste your own life trying to fulfill others’ expectations - they aren’t doing that for you!
Why settle for “what I bring to the table$$” minus romantic love/ great sex when you can have it all, or get it on your own? Lavender marriage sounds great for the person concealing their identity, and 💩 for the other partner. Get over not fitting in, be with/ without whoever you want, get your bag and be yourself.
❤Love, Childless 🐈 Lady🎉
THIS! ✊💖💯
Im sooo glad lavender marriages are being talked about. Id love for it to become an option for me in the future
Your videos are always so amazing and a beacon of light in this darkness that is called the patriarchy!
Yo I’m so down for marriages being about mutual business. Keeping love out of it may be best for all parties. 🥲
Wow. Didn't know this had a name. I guess I am the result of an unconscious lavender marriage, cool to know. Learning something new everyday.
No i think a lavender marraige MUST be concsious, wilfull, and understood by both parties before entering marraige to qualify. What happened in your situation was liars lying.
Damn even the gays wants us… they can’t leave us alone 😩
this ^
These men ABUSE women! Don’t do it!
@@MyriamRichardsdotterNo they don't?? Where are you getting that from?
Sounds like he just needs a roommate.
He sounds like the BEST roommate everrrr 🙋♀️ I'm IN
Naw he wants a commitment. Someone to build a life with that isn't dependent on the feelings and whims of a man who's in love with you *right now*.
As someone who generally has preferred lovers to partners in my life, I get it. If I hadn't found my current partner, a life partner based on practicality and friendship w/o romance or sex was likely going to be my choice as well. I generally have not liked the "lover to partner" transition. If I for some reason lose my current one I'd partner up based on practicality and stick to lovers for romance and sex.
I dont mind lavender marraige . Just with a fellow friend or gay friend as a spouse.
Yeah that would be a dream
Make sure they have money so they don't mouch off of you
@@thecrazygooseofyourdreams4785same❤ either with a trusted gay guy (friend or mutual) or bestie
I'm honestly loving the new topics and oh, the history segments are so interesting! I love the direction this chanel Is going, can't wait to see more! Thank you, Stelle 💗
Whenever I have children one day, I'll be using your videos as part of their education
Wait, if I can get cuddles, I'm all for it.
I so wish romantic love wasn’t something I spent so much time and effort trying to find. After being in a relationship for 8 years, it wasn’t worth it. I really wish I would’ve invested that energy into myself instead of wasting it on a man that didn’t even wanna be with me half the time
I was accidentally in a lavender relationship this year haha. I thought I was bi but realized im likely a lesbian and my bf came out as aromantic so neither of us liked each other romantically but it was the best relationship we’d both been in.
Then why did you break up
You understand how you are contradicting yourselves?
@@araventerpriseservicespllc289 I moved away and because he realized he’s aromantic he didn’t want romantic a partner and I realized I don’t want to date a man. So that’s why I said accidentally
@@SeraphicPhantasm how so?? We are still very close friends and obviously if I’m a lesbian I’m gonna want to move on. We were both so figuring out our sexuality so that’s just how life is.
Sometimes I thought about lavender marriages myself like you can do what you want but when it comes the time for some responsibility we do it together
marriage of convenience sounds so appealing but I know that once (or if) I get married, the next thing my parents would want is for me to have kids and start harassing me about why my partner and I are childless
A man wanting to use a woman. How original.
The comments are disappointing. They are all falling for it.
A lot of women idolize gay men and feel the need to virtue signal. Disappointing but not surprising.
This is genius, especially as i realize I'm queer or maybe even asexual....this is so smart
Yeah i'm on the asexual spectrum and i'm considering a lavender marriage if life will get to expensive as a single person.
I had only heard of marriage of convenience in the context of international marriages for the benefit of citizenship. But you’re right every marriage should be a marriage of convenience, ie, there are clear terms and conditions and each person goes into the marriage knowing what benefits they can gain from the union.
Traditionally, these were unions where one or both partners, often from the LGBTQ+ community, entered a marriage of convenience to protect their public image, usually due to societal pressure. It’s fascinating to see someone openly talking about this now, in a world that’s becoming more inclusive but still has its challenges. The humor or seriousness behind ‘taking applications’ could also reflect how complicated navigating personal identity and societal expectations can be, even today
I have been saying for years that we put way too much value on romantic relationships. They have NOT been my most joyful relationships. I say this as a 66-year-old woman.
I recommend the movie The Lobster! It’a a critic on our obsession with relationships told in an absurd way, really puts things into perspective
Can u explain ..????
@@juliasharma840 It's a movie about a society that effectively forces people to be paired up after a certain age. If you lose your partner or can't find one after a certain time, society deems you useless as an human and will literally turn you into the animal of your choice. Ofc, a lot of the relationships that develop in such a society become based on superficial traits. However, at one point of the movie the main character escapes and discovers a compound of non-monogamous zealots who refuse to allow themselves to get romantically attached or have meaningful connections with each other. Overall a WILD movie, but unique concept.
@@juliasharma840No, go watch the movie lol! It’s slow burn but an unique experience
Hey Elle Just wanted to let you know that I love your videos I've only started watching you recently but I love content that you make❤❤❤
But then he would be in charge of your health if an emergency arises....It's a No for me.
The government is changing the rights of women. It's best to be single right now.
She’s giving the WORST advice! I can’t believe it! Was she paid to do this?
Something happens, someone will be in charge of your health.
I just hope I find someone trustworthy before it's too late because my bloodline are nothing but vultures. 😞
Wow! I thought gay men were paying women to keep up their image? Wtf is this? If he wants someone to pay he needs to find another man! Not a woman!
I need to hear Shera thoughts on this. 😂😂😂
@@atsilayona shera will be completely for it if the man is providing. She won’t consider a marriage of convenience if the bill comes from you.
I mean a lot of women are paying half of everything and being pestered intimately by someone who doesn’t do anything at home. It’s like roommates with financial benefits/domestic benefits.
One big problem with centering sexual relationships for parents is when your lover is close with your children, they lose a relationship when you break up. It's best to have a network of adults for children to rely on and not just one or two people who could break up any moment when they grow tired of each other sexually.
Gosh I feel like all me and my ex had was romantic love but he barely contributed as a partner in things like bills and responsibilities. I miss the love and attention but was way to stressful trying manage all responsibilities while he just reaped the benefits. If rather be alone with roomate
Girl yes your ex was a princess 😂 #anythingbutthat
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for mentioning aromantic people as I am myself
3:16 not me falling in love with this gay man 😭
For real at first I was like "oh I would never" then by 3:13 I'm like maybe I would...👀
We all just did 😂 we all secretly want to marry our gay guy bestie already tho tehehe
Same though. I need him 😂😂😂
As a closeted trans guy, who can’t transition or come out yet, and sick of dating straight men and playing the “woman” role I’d like to do this tbh
Now that is a sexy proposal
after living alone for several years, and finally learning what i like in my home and what works for me, i've started asking myself early on if a relationship is actually adding to my life. alone, i live a life where the things i choose to do always align with my interests, needs, and wants. to add a partner will never mean compromising on that specific part again. men mostly fail to add to my life, but my current partner knows that i chose him because he makes my life better.
Before Obama repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and allowed LGBTQ+ service members to serve openly in the military, lavender marriages were common in the military, but I never heard that term used. But the reasons were definitely the same.
As always - if Elle posts, LIKE BEFORE WATCH 👹👹💖💖💖💖
Always❤
The video is uploaded 4 minutes ago🤩🤩🤩not guilty to be this early in classes❤❤❤
I know someone that needed money desperately, married someone that needed a US Greencard and , check this out....they became best friends and eventually stayed married and have 2 kids now, travel all over to visit the extended family.
@@floridawoman25 watch the movie Green card with Andie McDowell and Gerard depardieu. One of my faves. It’s this same situation
The plot of "The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo" has the same concept.
I dont really understand the benefit of the lavender marriage the guy in the video offered. So i have to pay for his house? And in return he cleans his house and cooks. I dont get it.
I'm confused, too. He lists quite a few 'perks' he's offering. All his good attributes, him being financially stable and generous. He even explicitly mentions, 'taking care of his wife'.
But what exactly is he asking in return?
There's only one thing he did mention, which is, that she pays her half of the bill on time, every month.
So basically he's looking for a roommate, he wants to invest in property with? And presumably the tax benefits that come with a spouse.
Hm. I mean, it's not the craziest idea, I ever heard. But I would be very wary of the other person ultimately actually falling in love with someone else and the whole thing blowing up on me. Or falling in love myself, for that matter. That can happen really quickly, if both partners are allowed complete schmexual freedom.
Seems risky, unless maybe you're in a long-term friendship with that person already and actually know them extremely well.
Exactly this is the SPOILED girlie support group, not the settling one. :/ it’s like selling all over again but because you get along better you’re willing to skip on being taken care of financially. I am aware most men don’t take care of women like that (some do) but he starts out saying it’s imperative she pay her half but then says he’ll take care of her. I think those statements are a bit contradictory. I see people throwing a fit about “Gold diggers” who had an issue with the contradiction of that in the comments . I think they are forgetting the content this channel is centered around. 50/50 with a gay man is just bordering on ace or poly or open relationship 50/50. Which I guess some people are ok with but if you’re watching Elle’s content you’re likely “trying to get that bag while getting your own bag.”
@@yobafox1jason556 50/50 and he even might wanna go 50/50 on the vacations he mentioned too. I agree this is a roommate situation, there's no advantage here as a woman. He gets to be seen as a "normal straight man" in society, getting career advancement by fitting in with the majority. And you don't know if he'll bring his dates at home, disturbing your peace. If one day he decides to live in his truth, the woman will be left with what she came in or even less. His net worth will be higher and the woman's will probably be lower. Even gay guys see how resourceful a woman is and they don't wanna pour into her even if it helps them both. This only works for a lesbian woman if her life is at risk, but even then just being alone is a better option. Unless the gay guy is rich and helps you out to build your own, I don't see it.
I think it's assumed he would provide, he didn't say we had to pay for anything? And you can still go date and try to find a sexual partner.. why not? I live w my gay guy bestie rn for free and it works for me/not confusing 💁♀️
There is no benefit in paying for a man especially if he already out the closet. Might as well just be single!
I like the idea of fictional straight relationship a bit too much to settle for a lavender marriage ( if times beg me then i can't do much but accept that reality)
So for now my mindset asks , thrive until you are young enough , if i am too old , ill just off myself after living my best life.
(Or adopt a child )
Nothing wrong with lavender marriage , its just , isn't it better to be single rather than depend on a man who desires other men?
I am not homophobic , infact i have noo problem , i read alot of bl manhwas and shows to do that , its just i read alot of them and am in a dillema that they receive better love from men.
I need a girl bestfriend and a straight desired partner for myself in future.
Its not much to ask and remember some good men are offline .
Lets manifest the reality that we all want , good people , love , health , strength and harmonious home.
used to have a gay bff. Men can be really good partners when they dont associate "partners" with putting themselves over women.
Agreed
@@lovelyletterl8515 I am sorry ,seems like my English is not great today but can you elaborate on that?
I wish we could talk like normal people on the internet and just say sex. It always takes me out of whatever I’m watching whenever ppl censor themselves.
Anyway, my bestie and I made a pact but she ended up getting a boyfriend and is now in a long term relationship that’s super serious.
it's because of YT algorithm. it will block certain words.
The censorship is so insane, we'll need new vocabularies soon.
You shoulda vlted against those "child protection laws" that turned the internet into a monolithic advertisers haven that doesn't protect children, but can now safely ignore that they exist on the internet and blame them for all the bad things they view.
Children shouldnt even be on the internet and thats my hot take.
I did not learn how to take care of myself financially, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually etc. for 20 adult years of my life in order to not have to rely on a man to take care of me to then.....marry for convenience?!?! What convenience? WHOSE convenience?
Marriage is the issue here. It has locked women into servitude for a very long time, with the promise of romantic love. Why would I do that if I don't even get romantic love? Feels like the carrot has been removed and it's all stick.
Manifestelle is the voice we did not know we needed. GIRL SHINE💝💖
I'm sitting at the front on this one😊
My bestie and I are in a similar situation. We won't get legally married, as we want to keep that door open for miracle-grade partners that may spontaneously appear in the future, but we will be buying a house together in a few years, and are making sure to find one with a detached garage that we can convert into their separate living space in the event one or both of us get a partner. If I do decide to adopt in the future (I doubt I'll be having a baby naturally just bc of health issues), they are 100% coparenting my kid, whether I have a partner or not. It is really validating to know that other people are in similar situations, although it's sad at the same time because of the environment forcing people into these scenarios financially/socially.
i think all women should marry their best girl friends or their best gay friends. for a true marriage based on equality and community and mutual respect. it would be like a slumber party ever day. and we can have little boyfriends on the side who go back to their OWN HOUSES if we really want them. bc even in the best of straight marriages women are expected to take on this role of eternal servitude. i don’t believe that’s my place in this world :/
Before my bestie and I met our husbands, we had a pact to marry each other for security and companionship, but that marriage would be "open."
I dislike that lavender marriages are necessary again, but if this is what others are consciously wanting, I support it. ❤
Honestly with how badly the rights of women and queer people have eroded away systematically the last few years, this man makes a good point. If Trump wins they want to impose taxes and remove rights from single non married people. Marrying my gay bestie not only sounds nice, but depending on if this Project 2025 nightmare takes place: we might have to start considering it for survival…
I agree. In fact, I think we might already be at a point where strategic platonic marriages are smart regardless. The Right isn't going anywhere even if he doesn't win, and they are coming for women and queer people, even if just at the state level.
Have you ever considered that our ability as women to create a whole new human being when in a committed relationship with a man should be padded out with additional benefits? When marriage was just between a sexually active man and women, the point of tax breaks and other benefits was to take into account that women in these situations have a right to additional resources since they can become pregnant at any time. Now that everyone can get those same benefits, maybe there should be benefits reserved just for families.
What are you talking about- you get the child tax credit
" they want to impose taxes and remove rights from single non married people."
And people without kids. Meanwhile, the childless demographic already pay more because they don't qualify for the various deductions and refunds that parents do. A lot of parents aren't even net taxpayers because of it. Meaning they get so much back for having kids that they effectively pay no taxes. People without kids end up subsidizing a great deal of the people who do have kids.
Im heeerreeeee!! Good morning Ladies ❤❤❤❤
❤😂
Good morning! Have a great day babe ❤
@@fawnieee I'm way late but you too gorge!
since decentering men, I no longer feel the need to commodify interpershonal relationships😅
What a coincidence! I saw his post a few weeks ago and just today I thought about it again and started doing a deep dive into reading experiences with lavender marriages. I WANT THIS SO BAD!
Edit to add: if I wasn’t severely opposed to paying for dating apps, I would immediately start making profiles everywhere. I will find my gay husband!
Proud to be reporting in at under an hour!
A lot of manwhas also have marriage of connivence plot lines such as maybe meant to be. It’s interesting to see how lavender marriages are changing to be more convenient.
Just want to say that as I have watched this channel grow I feel like I have watched elle grow and it’s so awesome.
It’s like watching a daughter grow into a woman, accept that daughter is raising me to embrace myself and reach my full potential as a full grown woman 😂
Oh wow okay, so as a solo poly person I'm not sure how I've never considered a lavender marriage!? I prefer living alone. I don't want to live with ANYONE I'm romantically involved with and I kind of figured that just meant I'd live by myself forever or until retirement? But it's so expensive and some things are just beyond me and MY personal level of womanhood/femininity. For example I really do hate bugs and there are some things I can't fix on my own, etc. I usually depend on my friends, family, partners, or even partners/spouses of friends. But dang this is really appealing to me. I feel silly that I never really gave it thought before. Thanks for sharing this~
As a black solo poly chick I wholeheartedly agree 👍🏾💯
SOLD! Let's DO IT, boo. I am so serious. 😆 This guy is the answer to my millennial girl dreams. All for the this lavender 💜 marriage. Meet me at the altar RIGHT NOW!!!!
Its still rare, but the internet make rare things visible And sometimes go viral.
I’ve seen a couple lavender marriages one worked out well but the second one the female was hoping or waiting for their husband to actually fall in love with them and that’s not what he wanted.
Omg 😳 he had me at I love to clean 😄🤣🤣🤣
I'm pretty sure a beard is when a gay man marries a straight woman. A lavender marriage was when a gay man and woman agreed to get married to hide their sexualities from society but still be able to practice them in secret. Lavender marriages are mostly a thing of the past in western countries, but beard marriages still happen in limited capacities, mostly in places like the fundamentalist south.
The definition of a lavender marriage has expanded since then
Lavender mariage has a lager meaning now, the difference between a beard and a lavender is that the woman knows the man is gay/ that it's a mariage that is confident and benefit both of them.
I was literally discussing this with my gay friend. We are both queer muslims who chose our religion over ourselves, by our own choice. But because our society expects us to marry, at the same time, as a woman in my country there's a lot of things I cannot do without a man's permission. Legally speaking, I am allowed to buy/rent property on my own, but most people would refuse to sell or rent to a single woman without her father/brother/immediate male relative's permission. My father is very strict, and my friend's family are also extremely strict and suffocating. We both want to move out so desperately but property is insanely expensive, even people with high paying jobs struggle to pay for the price of their apartments or homes. We decided to wait till we're older and fully employed/have proper paychecks before making any rash decisions, but we're both kept in mind that we might be an option for each other if nothing else works.