I've been married to a 1 for 30 years. Unfortunately I didn't discover the eneagram until a couple of years ago. It unraveled the mystery of this amazing woman.
I'm a type 4 dating a type 1 and couldn't I love this guide more! Because they're such naturally competent people, you won't always realize how hard they're working to make everyone around them happy, but they're constantly managing a million little details to make their loved one's worlds run more smoothly. If that isn't love I don't know what is. 🥺❤
Thanks Abs for this! As a type 1, I know we're not the EASIEST people to be around but I LOVE what being a 1 brings to the table. My boss was just telling me how much he loves my organisation and how I integrate my efficiency into my task processes. 1s are improvers, reformers and wayfinders. I agree 100% with this list (yes, even the spontaneity one!). We like to have fun and even crave it sometimes as a release from our constant inner critic. The enneagram is so amazing! As a 1w9, I use my 1 to be organised, structured and efficient in my remote analyst job. BUT, whenever I'm on vacation, my 9 wing shows up and all the 1-ness goes out the window. Hello long naps on the beach, ordering the same thing off the menu and binging Netflix until I'm blue in the face! I really needed this video today, number one made me cry so hard. As a single type 1, this was just what the doctor ordered! Thanks, Abs for making my week :-)
I’m a 6w7 and my husband is a 1w9. He’s an amazing listener and is always listening to the details. He’s a great gift giver, a solid partner, and his determination is unmatched. I’m regularly impressed with his ability to work any problem out logistically. We’re lucky to find so much balance in our relationship and glad for all the ways ones are so perfectly imperfect.
I love this! My husband is a type 1, and we joke that he married me (8w7) because he wanted his life to be an adventure, but wouldn't have had that if he stayed single, because he is so naturally stable and disciplined and always doing "the right" thing. (Its...it's not really a joke.) As an 8, I can't imagine having a true partner in any other type, because he's straight-shooting, not afraid of confrontation and can match my fire with his own fire (that most people never see), but also just so thoroughly *good* and full of integrity and grounded and consistent that he's the only person in the world in whom I have full faith that he will never betray me, and that if I need someone else to be strong, he can be that.
This is so well put Kristin, thank you. In our case I am the 1 and my partner is the 8w7. Your description of how you value your husband as a 1 reminded me of what my guy sees in me.
I’m a type 1 and my main love language is **Words of Affirmation**- For me I think I appreciate that particular love language more because it counters what my inner critic has to say. But the other things you listed are spot on!!! LOVE YOUR VIDEOS!!!!! 😘
Same! Type 1, my main love language is also Words of Affirmation. I thought I will get Giving as a result since I'm a giver. When I searched it on google, it makes sense.
I'm a 4 and my wife is a type 1. I joke about how she can smell typos. Lol. For real though, managing a millions details is her superpower. If I lose my shoes, or wallet, or something, she'll know exactly where they are. She's the most brilliant person I've ever met. You're right though. Mind that inner critic and get ready to learn how to hand out constructive criticism in a way that works for her/him. Mild criticism hits differently with type 1s.
This seems like a lot!! 😅 I casually bring up the enneagram when I like someone and make them take the test to see what I’m getting into, I feel kinda bad about it, but I do want to know what I’m getting into! 😂
Thank you, Abbey! I am a 1w2 and this video is well researched! I love how it doesn't make a 1s usual characteristics a cliché, but explains our motivations and how to connect with us. Time is such a big deal for us and you addressed it perfectly. As a gal on her path to growth, I enjoyed the part about spontaneity! If I have my "to-do" list managed, I'm always up for fun. I also plan for these moments by not over-booking myself on weekends so I have time to do the things I need to do and then I have room in my schedule for an impromptu event. It makes life less of a check list and more of an adventure.
To my type 7 hubby who doesn't get my 1ness 10 - yes please omg...just once. ONCE. 9 - thank you for teaching me to love spontaneous dates and showing me how to have fun 8 - yes so please don't criticize me constantly...I already know 7 - remember when I asked you to do the dishes yesterday and you said you'd do it later...yeahhh I did them this morning 6 - Sorry I'm defensive...sorry I'm critical....I'll keep trying to improve...trust me...inner critic hates when I let you down 5 - don't just apologize...make it right....you're making me crazy 4 - omg this causes so much anxiety 3 - yes totally my love language...and you know it...so..... 2 - yeah so that's how we got where we are now ... 1 - Awe why thank you (not you hubby this one is for Abbey)
If you want to introduce spontaneity with a Type 1 partner, then during vacations, during weekends, etc, implement "spontaneous time." For example, "We will be spontaneous from 2 to 4 in the afternoon."
Totally agree. I 'give' my Saturday each week to my (small) family and I follow their lead. Never know if it's shopping, crafting, etc. But, I know that it has an ending time!! 6pm
I recently took my elderly mom to an appointment with a new doctor, who turned out to be a E1. The best doctor I've ever seen. Thorough, interested, competent, intelligent, ethical. Just the best.
Going to talk from experience on the inner critic. I've had highs and lows in life; times where I've been much harsher on myself than in other times. And constructive criticism... I love it when I'm not in a stressed out---already extremely critical mood. And I typically can handle insults easily, especially when I can tell the other person isn't thinking about what they're saying or how it comes across. For me, and this may be my wings coming out, idk, but criticism hurts most when it feels I've disappointed others---or even more true, disappointed myself. Example: I'm typically able to handle the feedback I get from my piano teacher. She's absolutely amazing, very patient while teaching me, and gives the right amount of praise that it doesn't feel like fluff and then giving the hard truths of what needs to be worked on. (Spoonful of sugar before the medicine, I suppose.) A couple days ago I'm not sure what really changed. Every critique, every comment of what I was doing wrong felt like being stabbed with a knife. And I knew it. I knew I was being dramatic, and I knew I just needed to push through it and that it was just me getting overwhelmed. But I tell ya, it hurt. And there was plenty of praise given too! It wasn't my teacher's fault for me internally not handling it well. (Though I will say, I wasn't on my A-game and to hear from her perspective that I wasn't---that it was almost like I'd jumped back to the quality of my playing and posture from two months ago---was just so painful.) This is actually the first time I've typed out, even thought out, that situation in full since it happened. But it struck me as odd because I hadn't really felt that annoyance with myself in a good little bit. Maybe here and there to some degree, sure; but not that frustration degree. Just note that sometimes, if a 1 is in an unhealthy place, or is stressed out, then there may not be a good way to go about critiquing. Just... try to be patient with us. If we blow up, then that's on us. For me personally, if I stop being constructive when looking over something I've done, I'll go into a more frustrated/angry headspace. I'm not sure if that's the same for everyone else, but for me, frustration builds when I feel I'm not doing as good as I should. I don't have clear advice for those dealing with type 1s. Again, patience is appreciated and make that patience and love known, because the deeper a spiral, the more we will feel undeserving of that.
Adding to my comment: "if we ask for help, help." YES I'm usually on the breaking point of my sanity before I get help (aka, may or may not be crying, or about to, or feel like throwing something, etc.). At the point of asking, it's more "pleading". And "help" is referring to showing me how to do something correctly. Or getting advice. Or venting. Anything of that nature, usually I'll try to deal with it myself before getting other people in on it.
I recently discovered that I'm a type 1. This list is golden! Especially specifying times for making plans, the whole inner critic, and not leaving us on read. 100% 👌 I like the spontaneity idea too - balance is key with that one. I gotta say though (see, here I am saying, "I love all this stuff, but...") acts of service is actually my #3 love language. I love me some acts of service, don't get me wrong, but words of affirmation (#2) and quality time (#1) still do more for me. As someone else said, I think the affirmation really helps to ward off the inner critic, so that could be why. I can't explain why quality time is at the top for me, but it is 🤷♀️
Me too about the quality time I think. In the same token, if those acts of service are taking care of things that were on my to do list😍😍😍 and it give me more quality time with my loves. ❤️
@@angeliquelafleur4173 I hear you there and I agree, I would love having something taken off my to-do list to create more quality time! I understand why acts of service are so important for us type 1s. I just don't like the assumption being made that it must be the only love language that matters to us, and without explanation. Like with our examples, you could make the case that acts of service and quality time are connected. Missed opportunity I think, but it is what it is 🤷♀️
Yes, when I took the test (many years ago), my scores were almost tied (tripled?) for those 3 categories, ranking in the upper 90s. The other 2 love languages were down at the very bottom ranking around a 2. LOL! I found it odd, but in retrospect it makes sense as these 3 languages closely address our core fears/ desires. Having not received much in any of these areas, after a lifetime I was deficient in all 3. As time has gone on Acts of Service resonates the loudest to me of the 3. I like the observation that it creates more Quality Time and so the 2 are likely closely linked for many 1's. I also have a ridiculously strong 9-wing with my mom and spouse both being that type which may also explain it for me. Great insights, thanks!
My suggestion to be spontaneous is something like “okay, we have a date at the park at 10 o’clock and you pick me up”, but you appear with a gift or you write a cute letter or poem… A small surprise you are sure your dear type 1 is going to like. You stick with the plan but there is a small convenient surprise on the way
Type 1w9, absolutely loved this list! I’ve noticed I typically like to surround myself with outgoing, fun people. I really do like to have fun and be spontaneous, but sometimes my to-do list takes over and I need help getting out of my head. Lateness though without letting me know you’ll be late… yeah. Nailed that pet peeve 😅
My ex was a type 1 (I'm a type 5) and I really appreciated her incredible intelligence, knowledge and go-getter personality. But her perfectionism was overflowing to me and as someone who's very sensitive to criticism, she was constantly triggering me and made me feel inadequate when I behaved differently to her.
I'm a 4 who has been going on dates with a 1 and this is my fear. I really like her but I have a heightened need for full and complete acceptance and freedom to just be who I am without someone continually pointing out my flaws or how I could be better. I've been trying to figure out if I want to stick it out or end things with her. I'm honestly leaning towards ending things. It sucks because in all other ways she's amazing. She's so thoughtful and sweet and makes me feel more special than anyone ever has. Which. As a four that's pretty huge for me. By comparison my enneagram 9 ex made me feel profoundly accepted but not very special. Ok at this point I'm just rambling. Thanks for sharing and hope you're living your best sapphic life! (:
@noodle7802 how long have you been dating for? So you actually experienced that your 1 is pointing out your flaws? Btw I'm a wing 4 so I can relate a lot to my 4 side. I think the person I'm dating now is a 9 and I can kind of see what you're saying, feeling accepted but not special 😬😬
Type 1w2 here. 100% spot on! And this is honestly applicable to every relationship in a type 1's life. And in terms of spontaneity, I think there's a fine line, but along the same lines I think it's more about finding someone who encourages me to be silly. Type 1s have a really hard time being silly! And having a partner that allows those walls to come down is really important.
About Spontaneity/fun: When my husband (8w7) and I (1w2) were dating, I kept an “adventure” bag in my car at all times. That way, when he had a crazy idea or wanted to surprise me, or completely flip the script, I knew I would always be ready for what it would bring. It was a total game changer for our relationship, and paved the way for SO many fun memories!
One thing I'd tell people is to remember that 1s are in the frustration triad, just as 7 and 4. For all of these there can be this experience that as you get to the point of commitment you notice all the possible flaws & shortcomings of what you're committing to, out of a fear that it won't truly fulfill you. But in 1s it doesn't *look* like jitters, as they're all for commitment on the surface - it may come out more like criticality or trying to nudge the partner a certain direction - & then the partner may take it personally, feel judged, & it sets off their own defensive patterns etc. when really the best course of action would've been to reassure the 1 that you're sticking it out with them & taking their concerns seriously. If I had understood this before back when I was with my ex, maybe I would have handled some things better & our relationship wouldn't have soured as it did.
I'm a 1 and resonated with the emphasis on TIME! Never heard that before. But then I must disagree about ones' love language being 'service.' I like quality time and words of affirmation. But you got me thinking, because maybe with my emphasis on time and being productive and planned out, maybe having some help would truly help me!
As a 1w2 I like to be able to plan out time slots for spontaneous activities. Like, having fun and doing things out of the blue can be fun, (and I personally love surprises) however, it can also be stressful because I may have something planned at the same time that’s a big priority and my brain wants to do both things. It can be especially stressful if the only reason I cannot go is because it was brought up so late.
All of these points are SPOT ON! (Currently getting frustrated with auto correct as I try to express my self right now....) Especially noted: #7 YES, dammit! #3 Absolutely! (and still waiting for this to be understood...) Love how you were clear and succinct on this point.☺ #2 Beautiful summary of the 4 deepest motivations/fears/drives of a type 1, thank you. I've saved this video to a private playlist for future personal reference. I appreciate this video more than I can say. I feel like I'm constantly extending understanding to those around me (trying to at least), yet rarely is such understanding of who I am given in return. I will be sharing with those closest to me. 😉💕
Even tho I'm a Type 4, I related to what you said about reaction-formation. This was basically what happened when a guy I liked in high school was dating someone else. I guess I went into Type 1 as a security blanket/defense mechanism and pretended that I was happy for the guy for the longest time.
I’m a 1w9. I typically dislike surprises, but I can appreciate spontaneity in a relationship. It’s always needing to be well-timed of course, but I always have fun when it happens. My fiancé, whom I had met online, was late on our first date. I yelled at him over the phone basically saying that I will be there for lunch whether or not he is. He eventually made it. Lol.
Great video! I know some 1s. I had a friend that made the perfect chicken salad and other lunch items. We worked together years ago and she would make all of the girls in the office lunch. She was all about time, like you mentioned too. This is great advice. Thank you for sharing!
My best friend is a type 1 and he corrects me all the time BUT I love that I can go to him for an honest and objective opinion. Honestly, as a type 4, it’s very helpful to have a type 1 around!
Omg, to "show" a type 1 how they are lovingly perfectly imperfect or show them lovingly how everything is uncontrollably controlled is the fastest way to get them off the perfection track and feel safe to be spontaneous and lighten up. Wanting order and control so much is a type 1 in a negative fixation spiral slipping further into toxic out comes. Likely resentment or frustration is motivating there actions. Even Unconsciously triggered a childhood negative familiar arising from toxic chaos in there childhood.
My 4-feeling-like-a-1 plight continues. My 1 part says please, don't impose fun on me. (Of course, I'll probably enjoy the fun after you get past my resistance. But i will fight it all the way.)
I'm a 1 engaged to a 9w1 (I still can't figure out which wing I lean more towards) but he definitely doesn't do spontaneity as well as I do. I've found we're both ok if the surprise is 100% planned by the surpriser and the surprisee is warned a day or so in advance that we're doing something at such a time and if there's like a dress code or something. I took him to a Cubs game last summer and all I said was we were going somewhere on Sunday - of course as soon as I said the time we had to leave to be there on time he figured it out (he was going to watch the game at home) but where we sat was still a surprise (I scored great seats - I'm very proud of this) We like to go to the symphony and the ballet and I could be fine if he told me to dress up to go to the city one night and surprise me with a show, not knowing what it was, provided I had 24+ hours notice and wasn't super stressed. Structured surprises. 😂
As a 2 with a 1 as a parent, the "If I ask for help I need it NOW" was SO annoying growing up! Suddenly 8am yardwork on a Sunday was like an emergency! Haha and of course at first I wanted to be helpful but then I realized I needed to set some boundaries and I asked for a chore timeframe rather than a "I suddenly realize there is a chore that needs doing" XD
Spot on. I’m a type one, and now I’m a little bit scared for my fiancé. I keep telling him only the strong survive. But I think he doesn’t really understand what I mean. Lol
@@AbbeyHowe could you do that? Robin King seems to think it works great. I'd be interested to hear more about this. I already have a Mom and one of my best friends that are 1's....my quota might be filled...lol
As a 1 I've realized that the friends I most connect with or enjoy are 7s or have that as an extension of their type. They help bring out my fun sociable side. That being said, I have also learned that when I am impulsive I always wind up regretting it. So....IDK 😜😆
Do you think that this type is compatible with my type ( 5w6) ? Because to be honest I felt that I was always walking on egg shells when with such type (they had wing 2) , they’re so sensitive and takes every opposing point of view as criticism/judgment to their character. In addition to this , I felt as if they don’t appreciate/understand much our need for space . Adding to this I felt they’re all about work and have zero or very few interests beside work (workaholic characters)
I have a question. Thanks Abs, great video, the Enneagram is totally new to me so I am binge watching! It struck me that another way to describe Enneagram 1s is as "Detail Focused". Then it would be whether it becomes a requirement in their lives that they can't let go of that requirement OR they see the detail and desire it, in that it's a great to strive for but don't require it. Is this a correct understanding of type 1?
As a person who typed myself a 3w4 for YEARS & have finally admitted to myself I’m a 1 with close to equal 9 and 2 wings depending on the situation/relationship, I’m curious if you, as a 3w4 ever thought you might be a 1? I also have ADHD and can’t find anyone talking about the impact of that on the enneatypes, but ESPECIALLY how brutal it is on 1s. You can’t imagine what my inner critic says about me bc I can’t seem to live up to my own expectations. It’s… rough.
For the Acts of Service part, it sounds like you're insisting that because that's *your* love language, it *has to be* everyone else's love language too. Please tell me I misunderstood that, I really hope I'm wrong about that! - From a Type 8w7
7s plan in a futuristic, big picture fun-planning way. 1s plan in a practical, detailed hour by hour way. 7s plans are flexible and can change minute by minute and usually allow for a lot of spontenaeity within the plan. The plan really may never come to be once the seven finds a new adventure. If a one sets a plan, they stick to it. They have every detail planned out and have thought of every outcome. For ones, plans are to be counted on and maintain control of the present moment and future. For sevens, plans are fun options to be excited about and escape the present moment.
As a 4 I could NEVER date a 1. My mom is a 1........after 45 years I still dont understand her ways and really dont want to. haha. We dont get along at all when we are around each other too much
I think there's something extra special about parent-child relationships that makes us feel we could never be in a relationship with that type. But really I think it's the parent dynamic moreso than the actual type. Because I feel the same way about type 8s as my dad is a type 8, but I have really good friends that are type 8s and don't feel repulsed in the personality traits in them like I do my dad.
I've been married to a 1 for 30 years. Unfortunately I didn't discover the eneagram until a couple of years ago. It unraveled the mystery of this amazing woman.
I'm a type 4 dating a type 1 and couldn't I love this guide more! Because they're such naturally competent people, you won't always realize how hard they're working to make everyone around them happy, but they're constantly managing a million little details to make their loved one's worlds run more smoothly. If that isn't love I don't know what is. 🥺❤
If this comment isn't love. I don't know what is 🥰. Thank you for SEEING that ❤️
Thanks Abs for this! As a type 1, I know we're not the EASIEST people to be around but I LOVE what being a 1 brings to the table. My boss was just telling me how much he loves my organisation and how I integrate my efficiency into my task processes. 1s are improvers, reformers and wayfinders.
I agree 100% with this list (yes, even the spontaneity one!). We like to have fun and even crave it sometimes as a release from our constant inner critic. The enneagram is so amazing! As a 1w9, I use my 1 to be organised, structured and efficient in my remote analyst job. BUT, whenever I'm on vacation, my 9 wing shows up and all the 1-ness goes out the window. Hello long naps on the beach, ordering the same thing off the menu and binging Netflix until I'm blue in the face!
I really needed this video today, number one made me cry so hard. As a single type 1, this was just what the doctor ordered! Thanks, Abs for making my week :-)
You're so welcome! Glad you liked it!
I’m a 6w7 and my husband is a 1w9. He’s an amazing listener and is always listening to the details. He’s a great gift giver, a solid partner, and his determination is unmatched. I’m regularly impressed with his ability to work any problem out logistically. We’re lucky to find so much balance in our relationship and glad for all the ways ones are so perfectly imperfect.
I love this! My husband is a type 1, and we joke that he married me (8w7) because he wanted his life to be an adventure, but wouldn't have had that if he stayed single, because he is so naturally stable and disciplined and always doing "the right" thing. (Its...it's not really a joke.)
As an 8, I can't imagine having a true partner in any other type, because he's straight-shooting, not afraid of confrontation and can match my fire with his own fire (that most people never see), but also just so thoroughly *good* and full of integrity and grounded and consistent that he's the only person in the world in whom I have full faith that he will never betray me, and that if I need someone else to be strong, he can be that.
I love this. Thanks so much for sharing the magic that your Type 1 husband brings to your marriage. 😊
This is so well put Kristin, thank you. In our case I am the 1 and my partner is the 8w7. Your description of how you value your husband as a 1 reminded me of what my guy sees in me.
Love this ❤️. Especially the part "can match my fire with his own (that most people don't see)" 💯🥰
I’m a type 1 and my main love language is **Words of Affirmation**- For me I think I appreciate that particular love language more because it counters what my inner critic has to say. But the other things you listed are spot on!!! LOVE YOUR VIDEOS!!!!! 😘
Same! Type 1, my main love language is also Words of Affirmation. I thought I will get Giving as a result since I'm a giver. When I searched it on google, it makes sense.
I'm a 4 and my wife is a type 1. I joke about how she can smell typos. Lol. For real though, managing a millions details is her superpower. If I lose my shoes, or wallet, or something, she'll know exactly where they are. She's the most brilliant person I've ever met.
You're right though. Mind that inner critic and get ready to learn how to hand out constructive criticism in a way that works for her/him. Mild criticism hits differently with type 1s.
This seems like a lot!! 😅 I casually bring up the enneagram when I like someone and make them take the test to see what I’m getting into, I feel kinda bad about it, but I do want to know what I’m getting into! 😂
I do something similar but I have them kind of type themselves as opposed to a test lol.
Thank you, Abbey! I am a 1w2 and this video is well researched! I love how it doesn't make a 1s usual characteristics a cliché, but explains our motivations and how to connect with us. Time is such a big deal for us and you addressed it perfectly. As a gal on her path to growth, I enjoyed the part about spontaneity! If I have my "to-do" list managed, I'm always up for fun. I also plan for these moments by not over-booking myself on weekends so I have time to do the things I need to do and then I have room in my schedule for an impromptu event. It makes life less of a check list and more of an adventure.
To my type 7 hubby who doesn't get my 1ness
10 - yes please omg...just once. ONCE.
9 - thank you for teaching me to love spontaneous dates and showing me how to have fun
8 - yes so please don't criticize me constantly...I already know
7 - remember when I asked you to do the dishes yesterday and you said you'd do it later...yeahhh I did them this morning
6 - Sorry I'm defensive...sorry I'm critical....I'll keep trying to improve...trust me...inner critic hates when I let you down
5 - don't just apologize...make it right....you're making me crazy
4 - omg this causes so much anxiety
3 - yes totally my love language...and you know it...so.....
2 - yeah so that's how we got where we are now ...
1 - Awe why thank you (not you hubby this one is for Abbey)
If you want to introduce spontaneity with a Type 1 partner, then during vacations, during weekends, etc, implement "spontaneous time." For example, "We will be spontaneous from 2 to 4 in the afternoon."
Totally agree. I 'give' my Saturday each week to my (small) family and I follow their lead. Never know if it's shopping, crafting, etc. But, I know that it has an ending time!! 6pm
LOL hahaha
I recently took my elderly mom to an appointment with a new doctor, who turned out to be a E1. The best doctor I've ever seen. Thorough, interested, competent, intelligent, ethical. Just the best.
Going to talk from experience on the inner critic.
I've had highs and lows in life; times where I've been much harsher on myself than in other times. And constructive criticism... I love it when I'm not in a stressed out---already extremely critical mood.
And I typically can handle insults easily, especially when I can tell the other person isn't thinking about what they're saying or how it comes across.
For me, and this may be my wings coming out, idk, but criticism hurts most when it feels I've disappointed others---or even more true, disappointed myself.
Example: I'm typically able to handle the feedback I get from my piano teacher. She's absolutely amazing, very patient while teaching me, and gives the right amount of praise that it doesn't feel like fluff and then giving the hard truths of what needs to be worked on. (Spoonful of sugar before the medicine, I suppose.)
A couple days ago I'm not sure what really changed.
Every critique, every comment of what I was doing wrong felt like being stabbed with a knife. And I knew it. I knew I was being dramatic, and I knew I just needed to push through it and that it was just me getting overwhelmed.
But I tell ya, it hurt. And there was plenty of praise given too! It wasn't my teacher's fault for me internally not handling it well. (Though I will say, I wasn't on my A-game and to hear from her perspective that I wasn't---that it was almost like I'd jumped back to the quality of my playing and posture from two months ago---was just so painful.)
This is actually the first time I've typed out, even thought out, that situation in full since it happened. But it struck me as odd because I hadn't really felt that annoyance with myself in a good little bit. Maybe here and there to some degree, sure; but not that frustration degree.
Just note that sometimes, if a 1 is in an unhealthy place, or is stressed out, then there may not be a good way to go about critiquing. Just... try to be patient with us. If we blow up, then that's on us.
For me personally, if I stop being constructive when looking over something I've done, I'll go into a more frustrated/angry headspace. I'm not sure if that's the same for everyone else, but for me, frustration builds when I feel I'm not doing as good as I should.
I don't have clear advice for those dealing with type 1s. Again, patience is appreciated and make that patience and love known, because the deeper a spiral, the more we will feel undeserving of that.
Adding to my comment: "if we ask for help, help."
YES
I'm usually on the breaking point of my sanity before I get help (aka, may or may not be crying, or about to, or feel like throwing something, etc.). At the point of asking, it's more "pleading".
And "help" is referring to showing me how to do something correctly. Or getting advice. Or venting. Anything of that nature, usually I'll try to deal with it myself before getting other people in on it.
I recently discovered that I'm a type 1. This list is golden! Especially specifying times for making plans, the whole inner critic, and not leaving us on read. 100% 👌 I like the spontaneity idea too - balance is key with that one. I gotta say though (see, here I am saying, "I love all this stuff, but...") acts of service is actually my #3 love language. I love me some acts of service, don't get me wrong, but words of affirmation (#2) and quality time (#1) still do more for me. As someone else said, I think the affirmation really helps to ward off the inner critic, so that could be why. I can't explain why quality time is at the top for me, but it is 🤷♀️
Me too about the quality time I think. In the same token, if those acts of service are taking care of things that were on my to do list😍😍😍 and it give me more quality time with my loves. ❤️
@@angeliquelafleur4173 I hear you there and I agree, I would love having something taken off my to-do list to create more quality time! I understand why acts of service are so important for us type 1s. I just don't like the assumption being made that it must be the only love language that matters to us, and without explanation. Like with our examples, you could make the case that acts of service and quality time are connected. Missed opportunity I think, but it is what it is 🤷♀️
Yes, when I took the test (many years ago), my scores were almost tied (tripled?) for those 3 categories, ranking in the upper 90s. The other 2 love languages were down at the very bottom ranking around a 2. LOL! I found it odd, but in retrospect it makes sense as these 3 languages closely address our core fears/ desires. Having not received much in any of these areas, after a lifetime I was deficient in all 3. As time has gone on Acts of Service resonates the loudest to me of the 3. I like the observation that it creates more Quality Time and so the 2 are likely closely linked for many 1's. I also have a ridiculously strong 9-wing with my mom and spouse both being that type which may also explain it for me. Great insights, thanks!
My suggestion to be spontaneous is something like “okay, we have a date at the park at 10 o’clock and you pick me up”, but you appear with a gift or you write a cute letter or poem… A small surprise you are sure your dear type 1 is going to like. You stick with the plan but there is a small convenient surprise on the way
Type 1w9, absolutely loved this list! I’ve noticed I typically like to surround myself with outgoing, fun people. I really do like to have fun and be spontaneous, but sometimes my to-do list takes over and I need help getting out of my head.
Lateness though without letting me know you’ll be late… yeah. Nailed that pet peeve 😅
Outdoor adventures where a great way to have a plan (literal path) but the freedom to be spontaneous along the way.
My ex was a type 1 (I'm a type 5) and I really appreciated her incredible intelligence, knowledge and go-getter personality. But her perfectionism was overflowing to me and as someone who's very sensitive to criticism, she was constantly triggering me and made me feel inadequate when I behaved differently to her.
I'm a 4 who has been going on dates with a 1 and this is my fear. I really like her but I have a heightened need for full and complete acceptance and freedom to just be who I am without someone continually pointing out my flaws or how I could be better. I've been trying to figure out if I want to stick it out or end things with her. I'm honestly leaning towards ending things. It sucks because in all other ways she's amazing. She's so thoughtful and sweet and makes me feel more special than anyone ever has. Which. As a four that's pretty huge for me. By comparison my enneagram 9 ex made me feel profoundly accepted but not very special. Ok at this point I'm just rambling. Thanks for sharing and hope you're living your best sapphic life! (:
@noodle7802 how long have you been dating for? So you actually experienced that your 1 is pointing out your flaws?
Btw I'm a wing 4 so I can relate a lot to my 4 side. I think the person I'm dating now is a 9 and I can kind of see what you're saying, feeling accepted but not special 😬😬
Type 1w2 here. 100% spot on! And this is honestly applicable to every relationship in a type 1's life. And in terms of spontaneity, I think there's a fine line, but along the same lines I think it's more about finding someone who encourages me to be silly. Type 1s have a really hard time being silly! And having a partner that allows those walls to come down is really important.
About Spontaneity/fun: When my husband (8w7) and I (1w2) were dating, I kept an “adventure” bag in my car at all times. That way, when he had a crazy idea or wanted to surprise me, or completely flip the script, I knew I would always be ready for what it would bring. It was a total game changer for our relationship, and paved the way for SO many fun memories!
One thing I'd tell people is to remember that 1s are in the frustration triad, just as 7 and 4. For all of these there can be this experience that as you get to the point of commitment you notice all the possible flaws & shortcomings of what you're committing to, out of a fear that it won't truly fulfill you.
But in 1s it doesn't *look* like jitters, as they're all for commitment on the surface - it may come out more like criticality or trying to nudge the partner a certain direction - & then the partner may take it personally, feel judged, & it sets off their own defensive patterns etc. when really the best course of action would've been to reassure the 1 that you're sticking it out with them & taking their concerns seriously.
If I had understood this before back when I was with my ex, maybe I would have handled some things better & our relationship wouldn't have soured as it did.
Thanks for sharing! That’s valuable insight
I'm a 1 and resonated with the emphasis on TIME! Never heard that before. But then I must disagree about ones' love language being 'service.' I like quality time and words of affirmation. But you got me thinking, because maybe with my emphasis on time and being productive and planned out, maybe having some help would truly help me!
I'm a One. Absolutely, do not be late. And if you are don't pretend like you weren't.
As a 1w2 I like to be able to plan out time slots for spontaneous activities.
Like, having fun and doing things out of the blue can be fun, (and I personally love surprises) however, it can also be stressful because I may have something planned at the same time that’s a big priority and my brain wants to do both things.
It can be especially stressful if the only reason I cannot go is because it was brought up so late.
All of these points are SPOT ON! (Currently getting frustrated with auto correct as I try to express my self right now....)
Especially noted:
#7 YES, dammit!
#3 Absolutely! (and still waiting for this to be understood...) Love how you were clear and succinct on this point.☺
#2 Beautiful summary of the 4 deepest motivations/fears/drives of a type 1, thank you. I've saved this video to a private playlist for future personal reference.
I appreciate this video more than I can say. I feel like I'm constantly extending understanding to those around me (trying to at least), yet rarely is such understanding of who I am given in return. I will be sharing with those closest to me. 😉💕
Such a brilliant detailed video interesting the whole time. Really love your channel thank you 🥰
Thank you so much!
X Spontaneity, criticism, asking for forgiveness, acts of service.
Even tho I'm a Type 4, I related to what you said about reaction-formation. This was basically what happened when a guy I liked in high school was dating someone else. I guess I went into Type 1 as a security blanket/defense mechanism and pretended that I was happy for the guy for the longest time.
I’m a 1w9. I typically dislike surprises, but I can appreciate spontaneity in a relationship. It’s always needing to be well-timed of course, but I always have fun when it happens. My fiancé, whom I had met online, was late on our first date. I yelled at him over the phone basically saying that I will be there for lunch whether or not he is. He eventually made it. Lol.
Great video! I know some 1s. I had a friend that made the perfect chicken salad and other lunch items. We worked together years ago and she would make all of the girls in the office lunch. She was all about time, like you mentioned too. This is great advice. Thank you for sharing!
This is so darn accurate.
As a one this was super helpful to watch. Thanks!
My best friend is a type 1 and he corrects me all the time BUT I love that I can go to him for an honest and objective opinion. Honestly, as a type 4, it’s very helpful to have a type 1 around!
So true! For the love of God, acts of service!
Omg, to "show" a type 1 how they are lovingly perfectly imperfect or show them lovingly how everything is uncontrollably controlled is the fastest way to get them off the perfection track and feel safe to be spontaneous and lighten up. Wanting order and control so much is a type 1 in a negative fixation spiral slipping further into toxic out comes. Likely resentment or frustration is motivating there actions. Even Unconsciously triggered a childhood negative familiar arising from toxic chaos in there childhood.
Both 1 and 5 speaks to me.
My 4-feeling-like-a-1 plight continues. My 1 part says please, don't impose fun on me. (Of course, I'll probably enjoy the fun after you get past my resistance. But i will fight it all the way.)
I didn't see type 3, and I'm about to date a type 3....
I'm a 1 engaged to a 9w1 (I still can't figure out which wing I lean more towards) but he definitely doesn't do spontaneity as well as I do. I've found we're both ok if the surprise is 100% planned by the surpriser and the surprisee is warned a day or so in advance that we're doing something at such a time and if there's like a dress code or something. I took him to a Cubs game last summer and all I said was we were going somewhere on Sunday - of course as soon as I said the time we had to leave to be there on time he figured it out (he was going to watch the game at home) but where we sat was still a surprise (I scored great seats - I'm very proud of this)
We like to go to the symphony and the ballet and I could be fine if he told me to dress up to go to the city one night and surprise me with a show, not knowing what it was, provided I had 24+ hours notice and wasn't super stressed. Structured surprises. 😂
Yes, exactly! I like surprises when they're MY idea. 😆😆
As a 2 with a 1 as a parent, the "If I ask for help I need it NOW" was SO annoying growing up! Suddenly 8am yardwork on a Sunday was like an emergency! Haha and of course at first I wanted to be helpful but then I realized I needed to set some boundaries and I asked for a chore timeframe rather than a "I suddenly realize there is a chore that needs doing" XD
I loved this, thank you!
My oldest son is type 1 and he makes sure everything is in order with his younger siblings
Spot on. I’m a type one, and now I’m a little bit scared for my fiancé. I keep telling him only the strong survive. But I think he doesn’t really understand what I mean. Lol
Funny how I, a type 5, have the same qualities as the type 1. 😆
I’m not lying when I say I would have married a type 1 if I knew about all this beforehand!!! I think my husband is type 4.
NGL, love watching videos about myself #type1
I'm a 1w9 and I am ALWAYS late! 😩
woooahhhhhhh
As a 7. I probably should just run.
Type 1 dating a type 7 here. There is never a dull moment… but I wouldn’t change it :)
I am a type 1 and feel the same about type 7s 😂😂😂
I should do a dedicated video about 7s and 1s in successful romantic partnerships haha
@@AbbeyHowe could you do that? Robin King seems to think it works great. I'd be interested to hear more about this. I already have a Mom and one of my best friends that are 1's....my quota might be filled...lol
As a 1 I've realized that the friends I most connect with or enjoy are 7s or have that as an extension of their type. They help bring out my fun sociable side. That being said, I have also learned that when I am impulsive I always wind up regretting it. So....IDK 😜😆
Do you think that this type is compatible with my type ( 5w6) ?
Because to be honest I felt that I was always walking on egg shells when with such type (they had wing 2) , they’re so sensitive and takes every opposing point of view as criticism/judgment to their character. In addition to this , I felt as if they don’t appreciate/understand much our need for space . Adding to this I felt they’re all about work and have zero or very few interests beside work (workaholic characters)
I have a question. Thanks Abs, great video, the Enneagram is totally new to me so I am binge watching! It struck me that another way to describe Enneagram 1s is as "Detail Focused". Then it would be whether it becomes a requirement in their lives that they can't let go of that requirement OR they see the detail and desire it, in that it's a great to strive for but don't require it. Is this a correct understanding of type 1?
As a person who typed myself a 3w4 for YEARS & have finally admitted to myself I’m a 1 with close to equal 9 and 2 wings depending on the situation/relationship, I’m curious if you, as a 3w4 ever thought you might be a 1? I also have ADHD and can’t find anyone talking about the impact of that on the enneatypes, but ESPECIALLY how brutal it is on 1s. You can’t imagine what my inner critic says about me bc I can’t seem to live up to my own expectations. It’s… rough.
100%
DEAR ABBEY, WHERE IS THE 3 TYPE IN THIS SERIES?! I'M DEVASTATED!
IT'S COMING NEXT WEEK ACTUALLY!!! ♥️
For the Acts of Service part, it sounds like you're insisting that because that's *your* love language, it *has to be* everyone else's love language too. Please tell me I misunderstood that, I really hope I'm wrong about that! - From a Type 8w7
Hi any infps type 1w2? :] any idealist perfectionists with half undone projects?
I find it funny that both Type 1s and Types 7s are considered the planners. But they're so different from each other.
-5w4
7s plan in a futuristic, big picture fun-planning way. 1s plan in a practical, detailed hour by hour way. 7s plans are flexible and can change minute by minute and usually allow for a lot of spontenaeity within the plan. The plan really may never come to be once the seven finds a new adventure. If a one sets a plan, they stick to it. They have every detail planned out and have thought of every outcome. For ones, plans are to be counted on and maintain control of the present moment and future. For sevens, plans are fun options to be excited about and escape the present moment.
As a 4 I could NEVER date a 1. My mom is a 1........after 45 years I still dont understand her ways and really dont want to. haha. We dont get along at all when we are around each other too much
I think there's something extra special about parent-child relationships that makes us feel we could never be in a relationship with that type. But really I think it's the parent dynamic moreso than the actual type. Because I feel the same way about type 8s as my dad is a type 8, but I have really good friends that are type 8s and don't feel repulsed in the personality traits in them like I do my dad.
@@SamanthaMcGowanBlog possibly. I dont think I am friends with any 1's. at least not any obvious 1's