FA : Fear there may not be Passion & Attraction all the time AP : Fear there may not be Connection all the time Absolutely true ! and I used to project that into everyone who wants to approach me, wondering what if they lose their passion
So basicly this guy (that my intuition told me it's my Soulmate) tried to come closer, and even though I like him when he's not around, everytime he tries to approach me I get disgusted and repel, but this time I decided to react differently, despite the deactivation that made me see him as completely unattractive and everyone else is better than him, when he was just trying to be nice, I gave him a chance to approach me, I was looking at him while wondering where did all the feelings I had toward him fade, yet I knew it was just my wounded inner child trying to protect me from closure that was once associated with hurt and rejection. It was a hard feeling to react differently when the tendency is to withdraw, but I decided to ignore those loud noises and that rush of adrenaline I got. This was the first time in my entire life I react in a different way, because I became aware of my FA attachement style and I owe that to you ♡
Late to the game, but appreciating these videos more and more. The "raw" take you have is refreshing. Easy to speak in medical terminology, or speak at a high level to the attachment, but assimilating it and binding your experience makes it feel "real" (instead of talking to it from, what presents like, from a distance)
That's my situation. And as you said, I was usually with fearful avoidants in the past and that's my healthiest relationship. He has a lot of the secure part for sure. It looks way healthier than what you described, but only because I made a lot of progress in the last 6 months. Now my attachment style is more visible in my head than in my behaviour, which is much more secure than before, also because I'm hyper aware when I'm triggered, I discuss with my "fear brain" as you call it and I basically act against my fears as they wouldn't exist sometimes. I'm still making mistakes though and I struggle with perfectionism, but it's getting better. It's still the beginning, I find it very real what you said here. Also, my partner is very supportive, so it helps. I still can't believe in his existence, I don't know a good treatment like that. I'm a healing FA in therapy, watching your channel and sometimes using your methods. Your support means a lot, thank you. 🤗
omfg...... i found out that i am an FA last week, and today I found out that my partner of 1yr is an AP....... and this video just answered one year of confusion and frustration ... :') THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love this channel it’s the most validating, and understanding of the struggles we go thru as FAs. We can’t hear “you are not a bad person for doing x” too much.
wow I had a tear! I was like, why am i attracted to really needy people or people who scare me (avoidant) but the former feel's safer for me. I didn't realise why I got constantly annoyed when they don't deal with their stuff and its that their triggering is just more needy than mine, and that's incredibly painful or them (I mean I know it because when I am triggered I am in a lot of pain :'( )
Okay, so i am a fearful avoidant but in a connection with another fearful avoidant i become a anxiously preoccupied person and vice versa so it's very interesting to watch the different video's and how to not feel triggered or rejected or... by someone's behavior and understand that you can lean towards different styles depending on the relationship context and have different tendencies along the way.
An AP in relationship with FA here. My anxiety is exacerbated because there isn’t any of the core elements of a relationship being reciprocated (intimacy, connection, empathy, safety, good communication, conflict resolution). I feel so alone with an FA because what should be normal is missing, and then when I ask to be heard I’m met with defensiveness, and it’s crushing. Any advice would be really appreciated
Sounds like you just have a crummy partner. I am an FA but definitely still communicate, have empathy for my partner, etc. If your partner is not able to meet your needs, why are you still with them? Do not use their attachment style to justify their behavior and justify staying with them. Do you feel overall loved and supported? Are they working on their issues? If the answers to both questions is not “yes”, then I encourage you to reconsider the relationship. Good luck!
A person who wants to get closer snd closer doesn't mean a person is an Anxious attachment. I'm a stable style but just wanting closeness triggers FA. Any closeness triggers the FA but it doesn't mean the partner is anxious. The problem is the FA isn't honest about how they're working up front to say. "I need a little space babe, I know you love where this is going, but I need periods of time alone" it's all about awareness and communication. But picking apart a stable person's ability to love doesn't automatically make them anxious but if an FA freaks and gets mean and starts picking apart the partner that's not on the partner. It's on the FA because getting space doesn't mean you crucify your partner. The FA and DA is the reason why people who are able to relate in a stable and healthy way get hurt. I'm a stable and my FA was so mean and narcissistic was enough to completely break my heart and the trigger was just making love. Yes this triggering IS the responsibility of the FA. Not the partner. If the FA doesn't want the drama of hurting others they need to communicate. It's on the FA totally. Now if the entire relationship is the partner being anxious all the time then the partner is anxious. But many of us are stable but we can get still get deeply wounded when an FA goes bezerk.
In other words because an FA is triggered doesn't mean the partner is anxious. FAs cause the instability in every case. Habe you ever watched a schizoid? FAs are very much like that and there's no warning when you guys go off the deep end. The nature of being in adult relationships is closeness. It's on the FA to communicate BEFORE you're triggered. You guys know your issues and it's on you to communicate that. Don't gaslight and blame the partner as anxious.
It’s also worth noting that being in a dysfunctional or unhealthy dynamic can exacerbate or aggravate insecure attachment. I recently experienced perhaps the most toxic and painful (whilst also being the most intense and euphoric) relationship experience ever with an AP, both my FA style and their AP style was on full blast because the dynamic was unhealthy to begin, it began as a casual encounter with them and their partner (supposed to be friends with benefits) but feelings developed and it caused chaos to their relationship which ended and also completely dysregulated me because I wasn’t experienced enough in dating/intimacy to become involved with another couple. I guess my trauma brain just took me to the excitement and passion without seeing the consequences. I think all the shame, guilt, passion and turmoil just brought out the worst in our attachment, which then led us to bring out the worst in each other…it’s been two months of no contact, I’m pretty sure I’m experiencing ptsd and withdrawal and really yearning to want to be with them but it all happened so fast and it was so intense and brought up so much pain, I feel kinda stuck and really just blurted out my recent story but I think it is worth mentioning, that sometimes having an insecure or dysfunctional dynamic can trigger off really unhealthy attachment patterns in people who might otherwise orient towards more secure ways of attaching under healthier conditions ….
Dear Paulien, maybe you'll agree with me that saying "I love you" (or rather not saying 🤣) as FA is also an interesting topic for a video... Basically as FA, I don't use these words because I know they would generate massive doubts and a huge panic reaction in me and I think other FA people may have the same problem. It sucks but forcing ourselves to say these words when one has chaos inside them is just evil, both to FA and their partner. I think that a partner who doesn't keep asking FA "so what are we?" because we haven't told them how we feel doesn't solve everything but definitely helps much.
You make amazing videos. I’ve fallen for a woman who is FA, unfortunately I didn’t follow your advice and went far into Anxious Preoccupied. I wish you had content on that side of things. Thanks for your work. Wish I had listened.
I have a question, do you think that having a fearful avoidant attachment can affect and mess with our perception of love? If I’m not healed and i look at a past relationship i feel like I never loved them or when i look at my friendships most of the time I don’t know if i love them or not
sorry but thats unfair towards the fearful attached person - the hot and cold, push and pull of a fearful avoident is triggerend the fearful attached person and its not the case that the fearful avoident is not communicating openly.
Another great video! I became very anxious when I first started dating my FA because he would disappear for long periods of time and then I would notice that he felt obligated at other times when he was trying to stay in contact. Finally after years of being together, I realized he just needs space. And I needed to become much more independent, so in a way it was good for me I guess. He's looking for professional help with anxiety and I am very calm knowing that it will all happen as it's supposed to.
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Your trauma isn't your mistake, but Healing is your responsibility !
FA : Fear there may not be Passion & Attraction all the time
AP : Fear there may not be Connection all the time
Absolutely true ! and I used to project that into everyone who wants to approach me, wondering what if they lose their passion
So basicly this guy (that my intuition told me it's my Soulmate) tried to come closer, and even though I like him when he's not around, everytime he tries to approach me I get disgusted and repel,
but this time I decided to react differently, despite the deactivation that made me see him as completely unattractive and everyone else is better than him, when he was just trying to be nice, I gave him a chance to approach me, I was looking at him while wondering where did all the feelings I had toward him fade, yet I knew it was just my wounded inner child trying to protect me from closure that was once associated with hurt and rejection. It was a hard feeling to react differently when the tendency is to withdraw, but I decided to ignore those loud noises and that rush of adrenaline I got.
This was the first time in my entire life I react in a different way, because I became aware of my FA attachement style and I owe that to you ♡
That's so incredible, so proud of you!! Thanks for sharing!
How did it go?
This post seriously inspired me! I’m so happy for you. It can be brutally hard this attachment style we have. Let’s keep healing together 😁
Incredible!! That is healing in and of itself!
We're together now, and this is my really first relationship
Curious question: Are you still together now - a year later?
Late to the game, but appreciating these videos more and more. The "raw" take you have is refreshing. Easy to speak in medical terminology, or speak at a high level to the attachment, but assimilating it and binding your experience makes it feel "real" (instead of talking to it from, what presents like, from a distance)
That's my situation. And as you said, I was usually with fearful avoidants in the past and that's my healthiest relationship. He has a lot of the secure part for sure. It looks way healthier than what you described, but only because I made a lot of progress in the last 6 months. Now my attachment style is more visible in my head than in my behaviour, which is much more secure than before, also because I'm hyper aware when I'm triggered, I discuss with my "fear brain" as you call it and I basically act against my fears as they wouldn't exist sometimes. I'm still making mistakes though and I struggle with perfectionism, but it's getting better. It's still the beginning, I find it very real what you said here. Also, my partner is very supportive, so it helps. I still can't believe in his existence, I don't know a good treatment like that. I'm a healing FA in therapy, watching your channel and sometimes using your methods. Your support means a lot, thank you. 🤗
omfg...... i found out that i am an FA last week, and today I found out that my partner of 1yr is an AP....... and this video just answered one year of confusion and frustration ... :') THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Through the energy they are sending out." calling me out are ya?
I love this channel it’s the most validating, and understanding of the struggles we go thru as FAs. We can’t hear “you are not a bad person for doing x” too much.
wow I had a tear! I was like, why am i attracted to really needy people or people who scare me (avoidant) but the former feel's safer for me. I didn't realise why I got constantly annoyed when they don't deal with their stuff and its that their triggering is just more needy than mine, and that's incredibly painful or them (I mean I know it because when I am triggered I am in a lot of pain :'( )
Okay, so i am a fearful avoidant but in a connection with another fearful avoidant i become a anxiously preoccupied person and vice versa so it's very interesting to watch the different video's and how to not feel triggered or rejected or... by someone's behavior and understand that you can lean towards different styles depending on the relationship context and have different tendencies along the way.
An AP in relationship with FA here. My anxiety is exacerbated because there isn’t any of the core elements of a relationship being reciprocated (intimacy, connection, empathy, safety, good communication, conflict resolution). I feel so alone with an FA because what should be normal is missing, and then when I ask to be heard I’m met with defensiveness, and it’s crushing. Any advice would be really appreciated
Sounds like you just have a crummy partner. I am an FA but definitely still communicate, have empathy for my partner, etc. If your partner is not able to meet your needs, why are you still with them? Do not use their attachment style to justify their behavior and justify staying with them. Do you feel overall loved and supported? Are they working on their issues? If the answers to both questions is not “yes”, then I encourage you to reconsider the relationship. Good luck!
A person who wants to get closer snd closer doesn't mean a person is an Anxious attachment. I'm a stable style but just wanting closeness triggers FA. Any closeness triggers the FA but it doesn't mean the partner is anxious. The problem is the FA isn't honest about how they're working up front to say. "I need a little space babe, I know you love where this is going, but I need periods of time alone" it's all about awareness and communication. But picking apart a stable person's ability to love doesn't automatically make them anxious but if an FA freaks and gets mean and starts picking apart the partner that's not on the partner. It's on the FA because getting space doesn't mean you crucify your partner. The FA and DA is the reason why people who are able to relate in a stable and healthy way get hurt. I'm a stable and my FA was so mean and narcissistic was enough to completely break my heart and the trigger was just making love. Yes this triggering IS the responsibility of the FA. Not the partner. If the FA doesn't want the drama of hurting others they need to communicate. It's on the FA totally. Now if the entire relationship is the partner being anxious all the time then the partner is anxious. But many of us are stable but we can get still get deeply wounded when an FA goes bezerk.
In other words because an FA is triggered doesn't mean the partner is anxious. FAs cause the instability in every case. Habe you ever watched a schizoid? FAs are very much like that and there's no warning when you guys go off the deep end. The nature of being in adult relationships is closeness. It's on the FA to communicate BEFORE you're triggered. You guys know your issues and it's on you to communicate that. Don't gaslight and blame the partner as anxious.
It’s also worth noting that being in a dysfunctional or unhealthy dynamic can exacerbate or aggravate insecure attachment. I recently experienced perhaps the most toxic and painful (whilst also being the most intense and euphoric) relationship experience ever with an AP, both my FA style and their AP style was on full blast because the dynamic was unhealthy to begin, it began as a casual encounter with them and their partner (supposed to be friends with benefits) but feelings developed and it caused chaos to their relationship which ended and also completely dysregulated me because I wasn’t experienced enough in dating/intimacy to become involved with another couple. I guess my trauma brain just took me to the excitement and passion without seeing the consequences. I think all the shame, guilt, passion and turmoil just brought out the worst in our attachment, which then led us to bring out the worst in each other…it’s been two months of no contact, I’m pretty sure I’m experiencing ptsd and withdrawal and really yearning to want to be with them but it all happened so fast and it was so intense and brought up so much pain, I feel kinda stuck and really just blurted out my recent story but I think it is worth mentioning, that sometimes having an insecure or dysfunctional dynamic can trigger off really unhealthy attachment patterns in people who might otherwise orient towards more secure ways of attaching under healthier conditions ….
Dear Paulien, maybe you'll agree with me that saying "I love you" (or rather not saying 🤣) as FA is also an interesting topic for a video... Basically as FA, I don't use these words because I know they would generate massive doubts and a huge panic reaction in me and I think other FA people may have the same problem. It sucks but forcing ourselves to say these words when one has chaos inside them is just evil, both to FA and their partner. I think that a partner who doesn't keep asking FA "so what are we?" because we haven't told them how we feel doesn't solve everything but definitely helps much.
Thank you very much for this, Paulien! You help me tremendously in understanding myself and my relationships better.
Thank you for your amazing videos Paulien I enjoy them very much
You make amazing videos. I’ve fallen for a woman who is FA, unfortunately I didn’t follow your advice and went far into Anxious Preoccupied. I wish you had content on that side of things. Thanks for your work. Wish I had listened.
I am sorry to hear you had to go through that, I know its not easy. I will definitely look into that!
Extremely helpful and eye opening video, thank you!
Really helpful! 🙏
Is there any info on the fearful avoidant crash state?
Is it the same as an emotional flashback?
I think the crash state is the same as deactivation...
I have a question, do you think that having a fearful avoidant attachment can affect and mess with our perception of love? If I’m not healed and i look at a past relationship i feel like I never loved them or when i look at my friendships most of the time I don’t know if i love them or not
Yes absolutely! Recall bias is influenced by many things, including our fears and beliefs. Good observation!
sorry but thats unfair towards the fearful attached person - the hot and cold, push and pull of a fearful avoident is triggerend the fearful attached person and its not the case that the fearful avoident is not communicating openly.
Another great video! I became very anxious when I first started dating my FA because he would disappear for long periods of time and then I would notice that he felt obligated at other times when he was trying to stay in contact. Finally after years of being together, I realized he just needs space. And I needed to become much more independent, so in a way it was good for me I guess. He's looking for professional help with anxiety and I am very calm knowing that it will all happen as it's supposed to.