“If he doesn’t stop supporting our 31 y/o son, we won’t be able to retire”
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- Ramit Sethi of I Will Teach You To Be Rich talks to Janis and Michael who have been married for 39 years. They share two adult children; the first is a therapist that recommended coming on the podcast. The second continues to take advantage of them financially. Their story is heartbreaking, totally unique-concerning, but far from hopeless.
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Can’t-miss moments
00:00:00 - 1: Opening
00:03:13 - 2: Janis finds out the truth about the shed Mike build her
00:14:06 - 3: What Mike’s childhood taught him about money
00:17:03 - 4: The shocking “gift” Mike’s parents gave him at his graduation
00:22:21 - 5: Mike has a realization about his upbringing
00:25:28 - 6: How do their 2 adult kids handle money?
00:28:56 - 7: Mike reveals they are still supporting their 31 year old son
00:31:11 - 8: Ramit loses his mind when he find out about their son’s car
00:40:34 - 9: Another incident with their son
00:42:23 - 10: Will their son ever pay them back?
00:45:53 - 11: What habits has Mike co-created by doing his son’s homework with him?
00:48:58 - 12: Their biggest fear if they cut him off
00:50:40 - 13: Mike and Janis start to see the connections
00:53:14 - 14: Ramit breaks down their numbers
00:54:28 - 15: Ramit explains how they can dramatically reduce their medical bills
00:57:36 - 16: Wait. They have how many pets?
00:59:27 - 17: You have been married almost 40 years and can’t take a vacation because of a duck
01:03:12 - 18: How are they paying off the debt?
01:04:47 - 19: Ramit helps them have one of their first healthy discussions about money
01:11:33 - 20: They have a major realization about their future
01:14:57 - 21: Where are they now? Janis and Mike’s follow ups
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It's important for parents to think about when to shift their role from provider to advisor. If they continue to support their son's lifestyle in his 30's, they will likely be supporting him in his 50's 😢
I can’t get enough of how wholesome and beautiful this couple is. They both came from trauma filled childhoods and all they want is to give their kids a better more stable life than they had. It’s so sad this love is stunting the growth of their son and in turn their future.
Alex needs to get on this show to go over his numbers. I’d looooooooooove to see his excuses. I have so many un-kind words for him.
Great episode! One of my favorites.
Strange that you can´t see that the mother recents the son Alex, she took him out of the school he loved and had a circle of friends because her daughter was not able to make friends and from there it went down hill for her son. Can´t you see the relation? She most likely destroyed the son and the father is too weak to stand up and be the head of the family.
Alex sounds like he would be on Caleb Hammer’s show (mostly absolute train wreck financial situations)
Alex may be thinking his parents are multi millionaires. Just like the dad didn’t tell his wife the shed would put them in debt, he probably never told his son they are not made of money.
They are angels. I got choked up at their updates.
Such lovely, good hearted people.
They might have made financial mistakes but they're a good example in so many other ways.
Some men won't even get their wife a single chicken wing from the chinese takeout, but this man went out and built a shed because he wanted to make his wife happy. 🥹
@@davecopp9356 he got taken out of school, but he also got to live a dream of playing music all around the country.
If he wanted to play music on that level, he couldn't have stayed in school anyway, so it's a moot point.
And she didn't destroy her son.
She did her best. As adults, we all have the responsibility to take control of our lives.
Alex needs to get his shit together, he's 31, 32 years old.
Time to stop blaming mommy and daddy and take some accountability for himself.
This is a caring father and his fear of losing his son makes me sad. I only have two pets and they are most definitely part of my rich life 😼.
I honestly teared up when they told the story of the graduation card - first time that’s happened to me with this podcast!
Me too, its so sad.
Same 😢 he perceived it like he was a product to them. Parents should never make their kids feel that way.
same here 😪❤
such a gesture from his wife ❤
That sounded like an idiot boomer facebook prank that his parents literally did to their son. Completely awful.
Yeah that was terrible....🤦🏼♀️ who does that to their kid...
I really wish for their son to watch this and have a light turn on and realize his part in his parent’s financial distress. And see how much his parents love him to their own detriment.
This is one of the most fascinating and heartbreaking ones. It was so telling when Mike said he feels it's his responsibility to provide whatever his family needs or wants regardless of he can afford it.
Then hearing that awful story of his mom giving him an itemized list of his expenses occurred in college in a freaking gift card at his graduation explains so much. He's desperate to be a better parent to his son than he had. Unfortunately he's completely over corrected, which is so common.
I hope this discussion helps him connect the dots.
That graduation card story shook me 😕
it's very telling that you feel or know that if you cut off your ADULT child financially, that the child would turn their back on you.
That means the son is a bad manipulative man 😢
@@jaddek.astrie3071can’t blame the son entirely. The parents raised that man so it comes from somewhere
My sister to a T. My mom says that all the time. It’s heartbreaking.
@@Daveyjonesvi THAT is bullshizz; I have four sons that I raised on my own and the last one is LOST IN THE SAUCE; it's like he is a stranger to the family. He is SOOO smart but choosing to live a life that makes ZERO since; he was not raised to be that way. REGARDLESS of how people are raised, they make choices for their lives that just may not line up with how they were raised PERIOD
Just a note on ADD /ADHD. It's hereditary. So chances are that the mother (feeling stupid, feeling overwhelmed, compulsively adopting rabbits etc) or the father (likes doing things his way, is a people pleaser etc) or both have it. The daughter might have it, too (that's why she didn't have any friends!). Only recently psychiatrists have realised that girls and women may have different symptoms compared to men. More importantly "genetics loads the gun but environment pulls the trigger" here. People with ADHD can be successful if they find *their* way to achieve their goals and adopt a system to complete tasks. These lovely parents unfortunately have enabled, indulged their son, made excuses for him (ADD, girlfriends etc). No more loans, no more excuses. They could use instead that money for a therapist or an ADHD coach for their son. As for the daughter, she is "great" probably because she felt like she had to and not because she didn't have any struggles.
Unfortunately I have siblings that are doing the same to my parents. I cannot do anything about it though, at the end of the day it’s my parents responsibility to say no.
I’ve been wanting to write the same. We take nothing from my mother-in-law, whereas my wife’s two step- siblings have been a constant drain. It’s very sad.
@@murraybrown855 Depends on how much they drain. I had a motto hundreds a year don't matter while thousands a year is a catastrophe.
One thing that isn't mentioned is that if Mike really wants to take care of her, he will teach her now and involve her in everything because the sad truth is that women live longer than men. There will likely come a time when she is on her on and financial ignorance is a horrible legacy to leave to her. She has personal responsible in this, too.
For years, my grandmother would itemize what my parents owed her in the anniversary/birthday/Christmas cards she sent them, and it flabbergasted me at even a young age. A congratulatory card is absolutely not the place for such things.
This is the most bizarre parent behaviour I’ve ever heard of. Was this typical of the silent generation to be so cold and stingy with their kids?
@@isabelreyes6387 I'm not sure if it was normal, but I do know that my dad's parents were young during the depression. My grandma saved aluminum foil, wrapping paper, newspapers, and pizza boxes, even though she'd never actually use any of those things for a second time. I was always embarrassed to go grocery shopping with her when we stayed during the summers because if she checked the receipt and an item was a few cents more than she expected (typically canned food where an item was placed on the shelf over the wrong price tag), she'd take it back in and return it.
The graduation card story.. broke my heart. I haven't finished it yet but explains why it's hard for him to step away from helping his son financially.
I totally get this. My oldest daughter lives with me and my husband. She’s forty five years old but she works and contributes what she can. Her job is only thirty hours a week. We continue to be parents even after they grow up. My youngest who lives with her boyfriend still ask me for thirty dollars here and there. She’s a teacher. Money jobs bills life. It all cost money. We all help each other out. It’s rough out there especially after covid
35:38 Ramit's face when mike says his son drives a Jaguar lmaaaoo
Janis and Michael are amazing, rooting for them hard! I love they way they're communicating at the end and how excited they both are.
This couple is so, so kind and warm. It was palpable through the whole episode. I could relate a lot because I am an older person as well and seeing my own age group represented here meant a lot and helped me a lot. Sometimes it is just about being visible. I could also very much relate to Janis worrying not being good with numbers. That is a narrative that was told often to female identifying persons back then. I heard it myself and it had impacted my way with money as well. So thank you, Janis, Michael and Ramit for this conversation
Me and my brother completely. He, with undiagnosed ADHD, started working at 38yo after three attempts at studying, moved into my late grandparents' home (rentfree of course) and now bought out his uncles with money borrowed without interest and he got my father's part already. He was also treated like a rock star by everyone in his youth.
I was treated like every female teen was back then. Like trash. And with the undiagnosed autism even worse, less than human. After a life of hard work and diligence against all odds and social ostracisation, I got everything: money, job, family.
I got there by working hard and sticking with it, he got there by being celebrated, coasting and being taken care of. It's not the parents' fault alone. There's a lot of societal influence on gendered behavior, too.
36:25 but if I ever hear of some deadbeat 20 yr old taking advantage of their elderly parents just know that you’re going to hell…I hate you. This is why I love this podcast 😂🎉
I know right! My boyfriend and I both laughed and said we love Rishi for this
Agree! Loved that part.
I really laughed out loud at that part!!! 😂
@@rebecca7410Ramit 🙂
I love that he tells it like it is...!
They're a lovely couple. I hope they're able to pull through for retirement. It would definitely help if their son is able to pay them back one day.
So good to see some older people featured -more of that please! And they are so loving and connected, really sweet people. So happy they have a plan now and are working together 🎉
That graduation card, I'm speechless !! Heartbreaking but this couple is so wonderful, refreshing, honest, and with strong morals. Wishing them BEST OF LUCK for their new chapter together!!! AMAZING EPISODE. #rootingforyou
Just an honest opinion, I don’t think money should ever be given to someone in the family unless it a gift and has no conditions of paying it back. This creates resentment and really puts a wrench in the family. These parents have kind hearts but their answer next time needs to be “No”. That is a full sentence.
I don’t have a father or a mother. Would they like to adopt me as their kid? I don’t need money, I would just like to feel the love of parents. They are just so nice…..
Bless your soul, sweetie. I can be your mother.
It's so heartbreaking that his parents did that to him at his college graduation.
What a beautiful couple. U can see their love and care for one another.
Janis is tooo cuteeeee!!!! I love her giggles!!! LOL Yesssss STOP with the pet Janis!!!!!!!
This was one of the sweetest couples, they obviously work, just always have somethings to improve 💖
Couldn't agree more!
It’s amazing. He helped the couple without screaming at them. Amazing.
I'd love to see Ramit interview some couples that are doing well together. Maybe using different approaches but it's working. I want to see what good looks like
This is a lovely couple. They are enabling their son but it comes from a good place. I really hope they find a way forward.
My motto with helping others is never give away what you can not afford to lose. If you are rich then you can help out and it won't hurt you. But if you are not rich then you should have limits.
Yes Money Rules that you both agree to & no lending without some thought & discussion between you both
That is not how money works. People have to have a certain amount so getting access regardless of reason rule. I have had people know I did not like what they did but stick around because they needed access to something. And other times I give them warnings on price and they precede despite that because they need something. People are irrational when it comes to money because they have to have it just to survive!!!!!!
@@donaldlyons17OP means limits for YOU to what you give. Doesn’t matter what they do.
I am cracking up at your "I hate you" comment. That was funny!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
This is my favorite episode. The couple is funny and sweet and I'm so sad about their upbringing and ungrateful son but I hope they will be able to enjoy their money and lives. Maybe the son will own up to his shit and grow.
My father offered to pay for my sisters college. She joined the army instead. When I was accepted to 6 universities, he told me I had to figure it out & pay my way. I opted for community college because I got scholarships there. So I feel Mike. I finished university with $50k in student loans. My parents didn’t help with one dime. Yet we’re so proud at my graduation. 🙄 I feel for Mike. Family sucks sometimes.
It may have been that they saw your sister turning out okay without assistance, and assumed you could do the same. It doesn't have to be malevolence and if they clothed, fed and not abused you, count your blessings.
@@cleansoapmindIf you choose to have a child, feeding them is the bare minimum of the parents' obligation to the child. If you have a kid, you have to feed the kid. If you get a dog, you have to feed the dog. If you don't, you'll have a dead kid and a dead dog instead of the kid and dog you wanted.
The 61 year old man in the video carried his mother's itemization of the expenses incurred raising him for 40 years. It scarred him for life.
But you think that's normal.
Such a heartbreaking story about the graduation gift. No wonder he's supporting his son.
I really loved this episode. Really loved having an older couple on. I am 40 and have two grown kids. I could see myself in them as far as wanting to help my kids. Gave me some things to think about. Made me sad that his parents grew up that way. I always find the psychological part of it very fascinating to learn why people manage money the way they do. Has definitely helped me to have money conversations with those around me as well. Keep these kinds of stories coming.
ITHIS MANS STORY IS SO SAD! It also makes me realize how lucky I am. I also worked HARD to raise my son's to be independent. I raised my sons, taught them everything i knew about finances, educated them and they never once came home and asked for money. They are super responsible and fiscally sound. I have found that the way my husband and I say on top of our budget and finances is to have merged our money, keep each other appraised to our expenses, AND having a monthly reconciliation meeting has saved us. I pay the bills as they come in, and my husband does the bank transfers and then we go over our budget and look at every catataory together. It takes perhaps a few hours but it is so WORTH it to be on the same page, financially solvent and on budget.
The sense of duty I so get that. It is so hard to overcome. I help people financially to my own detriment as well. The money meetings are a good idea!
Love that they love animals and have rescued farm animals. I hope they have a great life together!
I'm so proud of Janis and Michael, and of Ramit for teaching and inspiring them.
Im rooting for them i hope they achieve their goals! Ramit as always on point and so assertive. Loved this episode
My favourite part about this episode was Ramit coming through with excellent coaching on they can communicate better. The visualization of taking the stream of consciousness and putting it in the box was excellent.
that graduation card story gave me chills... ETA: "he drives a jaguar" I screamed
Exactly my reaction to the “Landrover” comment!!!!😂😂😂 oh heck no!
This couple is so sweet and wholesome. I see a lot of my husband and dad in Mike. He wants to believe in his son. They have such a warm dynamic. The graduation card story is so sad…what a big heart Mike has. Rooting for you both. Also take a vacation ❤
Love this couple. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Another absolutely fabulous intraview (“intra” there is intentional). You’re so good, so kind, so thoughtful with the couples. Thank you for your work!
Oh my goodness, I loved this episode. I’ve shared your channel with my niece. Thank you, 🙏 onto the Third episode today.
This is a great episode. I love how you stand up for this couple.
I just listened to this on spotify, great episode! They both seem like such nice, sweet people, they deserve the best :) it was so sad to hear about Mikes parents giving him that card for graduation, that's just not right!
I hope they can show their son some tough love though, because he sure needs it! Stop giving him money and clearly explain why and create a relationship on different terms! Might take some years before he gets over it but eventually after a few years, hopefully he grows up more and realizes that it was for his own good...
What a lovely, warm couple and excellent episode!
Love this couple! I can feel the love they have for each other and their children. It's sad the son doesn't appreciate them.
What a lovely couple! wishing them many more beautiful and healthy years together 🎉❤
Love this one. Thank you Janis and Michael!
Love this! One of the best episodes for me since I’ve seen this situation with some family members. And also this could’ve been us in a a decade. Learned a lot on communication .
My favourite couple from all of your couple episodes. Thank you for sharing this with me and all the best for your beautiful future.
The card story will stick with me for a long time. That was so telling and heart breaking. I love this couple. I can feel both their hearts.
What a sweet sweet couple! Wishing you all the best in your journey ❤
Great show! Super loving couple. Wish them the best.
The first part about the dynamics of the family and their relationship with their son is so heartbreaking. The last part is inspiring, full of hints and tips. Thanks Rami, Mike and Janice for putting together a valuable and honest episode
This is so heartbreaking :( My parents also came from very little and wanted to give me and my siblings everything they could. I could never ever do this to my parents. I hope Mike and Janis can create strong boundaries and get back on track soon - they deserve so much more than this. x
Such kind people. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish them both a happy future.
This is my favorite episode so far! I loved this couple and seeing the arc they went through during this interview...from things looking pretty bleak within their family to optimism between the two of them in the end. Just awesome!!
Ramit your podcast episodes are AMAZING!!
I started watching your show not long after it was introduced to me by my daughter. I really love the show feel like I am way behind. I know that I am working on my flaws since I am someone who always wants to buy things when saw them. I realized that I have a lot of ghost expenses that come up all the time. Thank you for this great show.
I liked this episode because my children are young adults now, so I see ways I need to reframe now. Codependence is very destructive. I was glad to hear in the update that the wife is looking to earn more now. It will make a huge difference for them in 10-15 years.
Keep in mind, there’s more value in that shed than the cost to build it and the finance charges. He feels good for doing it for her and she likes it. She feels loved that he did it for her. They hold on to those feelings more than the feelings of paying it off.
Great episode😊
This was great. Wow at a few points!
very good talk.
What's interesting is... when you look up "average monthly cost for groceries", $600 is not unreasonable for a family of two (depending on the state of residence). A better goal is to avoid eating out and buying take-out food. Saving dining out for special occasions can save a LOT of money!
600 for two is totally doable in every state except maybe Alaska and Hawaii
I love how different this episode was.
Pets are not guilt free spending! They are family. You budget for them
There’s helping and then there’s enabling. Wishing them the best.
💯. Big difference between both.
One of the best episodes!
My husbands Father wrote us a 6 page letter itemizing everything my husband cost him. Even gifts. They are upper middle class. He never asked for it back but the letter was hurtful.
💔
I would feel grateful towards my parents because the money they spent on me is a gift. I don’t understand why it is hurtful.
@@33Jenesisbecause choose to have you and so they choose to have the costs that came with you.
I just don't get how you have the time and drive to record all that. Like I can't remember all the times I've bought something for family members or lent them money
If I want the money back for a specific thing I say that upfront and remind them every month until it's completely paid back and then it poofs from memory
@@33Jenesis To be honest I'm glad you don't understand. My Mom would never and I'm the same way.
that graduation card was absolutely heartbreaking 😞
Me desculpe escrever em português! Eu amo o trabalho de vcs! São lições maravilhosas! Obrigada
I know someone whose parents did a similar thing. When they graduated from Uni they were given a list of every dollar they had paid out for them during their Uni course PLUS interest and they had to pay back every dollar.
😢
Special…there is a ring in Hell for these people.
I didn’t grow up with friends in high school either. I truly believe that not being the more popular person really teaches you at an early age that the only person you can really rely on is yourself, and that it fosters a true self drive.
💯
Wow. My family structure is almost spot on to this (even complete with the younger bum brother named Alex who's drained 60k of our dad's retirement). My dad had a very similar upbringing to mike and I never really understood where my dad was coming from as the older and more stable sibling. Thank you so much for sharing your stories.
“Right now you’re non-profit too” 😂😂😂😂😂
Ramit is just the best.
We have a hardware store card and get 10% off (hubby has a contracting business so we save a lot) and we pay it off in full before any interest accrues. SOME of these cards CAN be used to one's advantage but many don't have the discipline/awareness.
hi IWT editor, for the next video can you increase the volume 50% more? because i already turn up my volume to max but still hear Ramit sound not clear enough, i know you editing for many format (youtube, tiktok, tv, etc) but special for youtube please increase the volume higher more,
thx
I learn from every show. I am 48. I am in just about the same situation as this couple. I am about to get a large sum of money. I feel that I won't let lifestyle creep affect me. I have a plan. But more specifically the part about can we afford it. The part about allowing my partner to think outloud and not rushing him or being confused really hit home. As well as not taking it all on myself. Thank u for sharing. I am learning to be more loving in my conversations
That graduation story was cold! I remember my mother waited at least a day after my graduation to hand me the fully maxed out credit card statement and car insurance bill to pay for. The credit card was only $500, and we still laugh about it when I bring it up.
So loved this episode!! They make an awesome income, and now they know how to work together. I’m so excited for them. Please…cut the son off. If the son can’t afford _____, then ____ doesn’t happen.
I have a sister who has never had to be financially secure, because people always have bailed her out. She still suffers from this problem. Her self-esteem is halved by the fact that she’s never had to work hard/push through/solve the problem herself. It’s time. He’ll be a better man for it.
Are there any mental health issues with the son? The pattern they describe (over inflated sense of self, inability to keep a good job/career, inability to manage finances, over dependence on parents, chasing relationships that is clearly detrimental to him) signal mental health issues that may need to be addressed. They are trying to fix symptoms without looking at the root cause.
Well, it doesn’t seem to be that he wants their emotional support - just their financial support.
Highly doubt it's mental health. Look at his son's childhood story. Michael never gave his son a chance to fail and get back up on his own. He coddled his son because he was traumatized by his own parents and swore not to be like them. Unfortunately he overcorrected and enabled his son's behavior as an adult.
Ramit, thank you for literally helping generations of people understand money and finances! We are learning, helping our parents, our kids are learning this too and the cycles of bad patterns and habits are changing! You are amazing! I thank the Lord for you ❤
Great team l let the son grow up and take care of each other 😊
I think there are some other issues with the son, possible resentment from where they took him out of the school he was enjoying in favor of the sister, seems there may be something between him and the mother going on there. She also mentioned he has some other issues before that. Would have loved to get his take because honestly it's so easy for parents to dogpile their children on these shows so they come out only looking like the good guys when in reality there is always more to the story. They shouldn't be enabling him obviously, but I'm guessing there is so much more going on here than what we are getting out of the mom and dad.
Yeah but at a certain point you're an adult... Regardless of what happened in the past, you're a big boy now.
I want a relationship dynamic like this. I only wish I find a dynamic like this.
That’s a really shitty gift he was given.🤦🏾♀️🤬
Michael should change his cell phone number. That way Alex cannot contact his father.
Ramit pausing the whole podcast just to say don't @ me about the pets 😂...this was such a good episode!!!
This is heartbreaking in some ways, these are such sweet people. It's terrible that they've been taken advantage of. Thing is tho- they are pretty lucky- they make a decent salary and are due for a pretty hefty pension + social security. I'm glad to hear that but it also makes me think of people who are in a situation like this (or even if they weren't supporting someone, merely a similar age with similar assets) who AREN'T expecting such a big pension and social security. I think there are A LOT of people like that out there
Unfortunately, the dad is not doing his grown son any favors. Best thing he can do is tell his grown son, NO! If his son no longer talks to him, then dad knows the relationship was always contingent on him receiving money. We need to remember that duty to family does not mean Enabling them.
Hey @ramit, please post these with the option of live commenting. I'd like to see if folks have the same thoughts I do at the same time stamps.
Ramit is so funny. And I love these two cuties
Awesome couple!