I've struggled with food addiction since I was a child. my therapist once told me, "I'd rather you be fat than dead", while i was expressing the shame i carried. i havent looked at it the same since. addiction for sure kept me alive while i was experiencing hell on earth. give yourself some credit and put down the self beating for a sec.
I was able to get through my food addiction. I lost 150 …never thought it was possible. If you want to lose and manage your intake - I can teach some things that might help. Not trying to solicit anything. My aim is to help folks who share in the pain.
@@buckyes6749 I'm always open to new strategies. Congrats on your achievement! Actually, I also have lost 150 pounds and am now a pretty serious strength lifter. I won't say I've conquered the addiction, but I no longer need it to survive.
Never underestimate the power of pets. my dog was the only thing that helped in dire times. he always knew when i was struggling, and comforted me with much love, and no judgement. being the observant type, i realized very early that he knew alot more about me than, than i could ever know about him. he was an amstaff (american staffordshire terrier). i feel greatful to have had him in my life for 15 years.
So glad you had a beautiful companion to experience the purest form of love. As an animal communicator, our animals do have a deeper purpose in our lives and their own purpose. Glad you got to share that experience 💙
My response to toxic situations was to go shopping. Not in outrageous ways, but constant ways - very seldom did I spend more that $50 at a time, but "stuff" made me feel better. Now I have figured out what was going on and am now donating, throwing out, giving supplies to others who WILL use them or re- purposing stuff. It's slow going, but I understand why I had ever hobby under the sun and all the supplies for each hobby. At one time I had at least 45 hobbies - the number is going down, and I'm figurimg out what I really enjoy now in this stage of life. I also see how much money I spent, but luckily at the time I could afford it.
I used to do the same thing. I used to use clothes as an armour against bullying and would often prioritise going clothes shopping. Later when I felt shame after various life events I'd wander around shops and buy home ware. It made me feel better temporarily until I realised I was using it as a comfort and avoidance strategy for facing up to some problems. I've been de cluttering and donating too, shopping less and when I do go shopping I try to be very mindful so I that don't just buy lots of random things I don't need and have nowhere to put. It's a challenge because it makes me feel better short term but doesn't help long-term.
Same here! I suddenly realised it became difficult to clean due to so much stuff. I saw these hoarder programmes and my heart broke with how their trauma had made them that way. I identified so much. So I realised I had to stop. Same as others here, I have been clearing out and downsizing. I never want to live buried amongst all my junk, I won't let it happen.
The trick I used to stop me getting takeaways all the time too and piling on the weight... each time I resisted getting take out and made a meal myself, I gave myself a point, only when I had 20 points I would buy myself a treat. Wow. So much money, weight gain and useless junk saved. I realised these are all my very costly coping mechanisms.
Ditto to everyone! I've wasted soooo much money, time, and energy. I have a whole craft room, crammed full of supplies. Worse than that is that I don't DO any crafts! I won't let myself have the time to do anything because I want to get the room organized! At this rate I'll never again craft!! 🫤😢
In my recovery journey I learned about something called the 7 seconds rule. Any craving you have for substances cannot last long if you focus on something else. So by holding yourself back from acting on impulse for a specific time period, you can do something called urge surfing. This actually worked for me primarily, because I believed that it would. I would consistently, purposely do something else wherever I wanted to use a substance and eventually it became a coping strategy that eventually made it possible to not crave them anymore.
Death Metal and Doom Metal saved my life. If it hadn't been for it, and playing it in bands, I'd have possibly fallen into many of the destructive 'resources' you talk about. Luckily the metal was enough, so I never needed the chemical escapes.
The DOUBLE EDGE SWORD theory. My incest counselor explained this to me about my sleeping around aching to be loved. I thought my beauty and very sexual behavior gave me the upper hand and I wud the one 'calling the shots' . We recognized I was attempting to punish men for the men that raped me in childhood. As soon as she said I was wielding a DOUBLE EDGE SWORD a LIGHT CAME ON I started to understand my part in continuing my abusive childhood dynamics.
I can relate to that. Different, but similar enough that I totally understand. It's comforting to know that there are other people who've been through the same things and feel the same way. I hope you have a great day :)
@@angelaisacliche I have come a long way. Part of my healing came from forming a deep attachment with a story cat. I was raised to dislike them. God sent me one very sick, very near death. I found something to take care of and this cat ended up being 'my guy' for 18years.
I love the plank background. It's attractive, doesn't cause me distractions like if there were paintings/artwork hanging. I say even when you move your recording area, keep the background. That's my vote. 😊
Wow, I’d never thought of coping mechanisms like this. It’s an eye opening idea that the thing that someone struggles with is the same thing that was their hero for a season.
Dr. Scott.. this 20 minute video you just posted helped MORE than any counsel session I’ve had in the past 5-8 years!! The things I carry in silence are damaging my soul. I have a few coping mechanisms that aren’t the greatest. It seems that the therapists that I have seen try to fix my coping mechanisms before they listen to why I use them. It’s very frustrating! But this gives me hope and lifts a little shame. So, thank you! I need a dr like you that “gets it” Because of your videos, and specifically this one, I will continue to look for another therapist for help. ~L
... and trust yourself to find a compass. This video showed me so much including that I am capable. We once found a tool, now let's curiously inquire which is the best for now.
Absolutly my experience...years of comfort in a very painful environment...the more i healed..the less i wanted food...I can thank myself now for surviving ...gwtting to a place where you can genuinely say thank you for whatever helped you survive is wonderful...and the way to letting it go...🎉❤
You have single-handedly changed my life. I looked up on your tube how to get out of a depressive episode because I've lost so much the past few months to this. The only thing that brought any relief the past few months in this was using followed by that shame, more using, and hopelessness none of this would change. I've heard many videos and sought out therapy for years only to be suggested coping skills like deep breathing if numerous psych ward stays to keep me safe but nothing seemed to help. I am also riddled with scars and weight fluctuations (ED) since 13 due to severe trauma. I was doing well for awhile, maintained sobriety, bought a house, almost finished my degree, was self harm free, but then had the worst time post partum with my daughter. It's like everything was swept away and I've been painfully existing (barely) since then. Thank you for being the one person that has not only made me feel seen and human, but have productive tools to deal with this.
Omg thank you for discussing this from a different perspective. I waa a military/civilian nurse for 17 years but have dealt with some yuck issues and spiraled in depression. A substance gave me energy, creativity and hope again. Thats all i needed was to feel and see hope. I found my sparkle and did not need the substance any longer. Thank you for being real and saying what others are scared to say. You are truly helping people by doing this.. 🙏❤️
I have been a paramedic for 18 years and now a nurse for 12 years. I started a new job Summer 2023 in corrections nursing which was a completely new area of nursing for me and I looked forward to the challenge. Shortly after I started work, I was sexually assaulted by a healthcare provider I had been seeing for many years. I started losing focus and ended up making a medication error that could have been very bad. I have resigned rather than being fired. I don't know how to move forward from here. I carry so much guilt and have lost my confidence
So sorry for what you are going through. I hope you can get some good support and guidance. Thank you for your care for others and I hope you can forgive yourself for making a mistake while under tremendous pressure.
I so dont care about your setback . I hear you, a see you , Im interested and satisfied with your content. You are not just full of knowledge, but you make me understand what are you talking about . You are a pleasant appearance , your voice is calm , you use your own stories, or your clients examples so I can understand . For me, personal, you could stay into a barn , on the most sumptuous office is absolutely the same . Im not looking for a "diva", a fashion model or such on your channel, I need your content , your help . I need to see your face , and hear what you say . For me is more then enough . But this is me thou . Thank you for everything Doc. From Spain with gratitude.
Years ago, after a bad divorce, Halle Berry made a terrible movie called BAPS. She took a lot of crap for it. I think she was nominated for or even won a Razzie that year. But I always remember in interviews she said working on the movie got her out of bed every day. It was either make the stupid movie or kill herself, and she's happy for the choice she made.
i agree, and i have pulled this argument at my loved ones a couple of times and they understood. it's good to hear though that i can and should let go of the guilt, as it perpetuates the cycle. i'm very much, and have been for a few years, back in the safe zone, and those unsustainable coping mechanisms are starting to ruin my physical health. at the same time, now that i'm doing better, i'm trying to transition back into active life, to learn a skill and go hunting for a job (after over a decade off work). so it's kinda tricky to be letting go of those crutches. psychologically, it would be a good idea to keep them until i'm settled back into "normal" life, but physically i cannot sustain that any more. i have noticed that i have pulled myself out of my darkest periods through things like creative hobbies and tarot (tarot calms my racing thoughts - turned out i have adhd and some autism traits), and there definitely are days i'm feeling in distress, and i will jump from one to another, - it's so nice to have an explanation for what i've been doing (chaining them because they plateau), and it is also very good to have my instinctive strategies validated by a professional that you are - so thank you very much. it is very useful in building my self-confidence and trust that i seem to know what i need to do. i feel that it's going to give me a bit more courage to keep pushing forward, which is awesome and much needed - great timing!
Scott! I once made this exact same point at a recovery meeting. The facilitator got really angry at me. So many times I've heard people who got clean say that they were killing themselves a little bit at a time. My mom committed suicide when I was 7 years old. I am here to tell you that the little bit at a time strategy is also known as harm reduction for everyone involved. P.S. I totally thought that was REAL reclaimed wood on the wall behind you! I like it! I vote that you take it with you to the new office setup. Perfect transition and nobody will notice a thing!😊
Watching someone kill my Service Dog as a threat to me. How do you get over witnessing the murder of the one who gave their life, protecting, and saved you? This person was a POA for a family member, a person put into the Position of Trust to care for a Person at Risk, was a thief and murderer and, by law, there was nothing that could be done. She should be in prison. I'm living with PTSD for the many things she did, and there was nothing I could do at the time.
Even with an incredible support system you can still fall into this. A good support system doesn’t mean you will not fall into this it doesn’t mean it’s always going to be good. That you always have it handled because your support system is good.
First time I have ever posted a comment, but I feel so strongly with regard to the video content. Your initial description of unsustainable resource use, then it becoming self-perpetuating, then the shame and regret is exactly my situation. 50 years of it, so isolating and lonely. And as you say, looking back, my life could all have been so different. Thank you, Dr. Scott, for your understanding, explanation, tools and techniques to enable change. As you say in one of your other videos: Never give up.
Compulsive obsession since 1977 (10 years old) -- things have to be in certain order and some things can't be moved (some extreme neatness- not hoarding!) 56 now and still some of it left over-- really need to just get rid of everything except essentials - car, couch, tables definitely needed. I made a lot of drawings and paintings- even when they suck- helped a lot. Had to cope with being terribly awkward growing up.
The information you give us is so valuable that the "look" or style of the video is the last thing I'm thinking about. I'm very grateful for your honest and helpful concepts and tools shared here.
I've known for a while my substance use was the alternative to suicide. So yes it helped me survive through a dark time but led to more dark times by it's existence. Thankfully I made it out . I appreciate your compassionate perspective on this topic and this content is incredibly helpful in my recovery. Thank you!
The one thing I worry about concerning the alternative resources, is getting again addicted to these as well. Since we already have addictive tendencies/habits. Any advice on how to remove the old/bad addiction and move to better things without just ending up with another addiction please? I've seen many people, just for example, get into "health" right, but then they are not able to sit still or stay calm if they miss the gym (or the healthy drink, or the perfect amount of sleep, etc...) for just one day (even if for important reasons). Or some start needing even more and more and more minutes/hours of exercise (even getting sick from over doing it).And it starts negatively affecting every other aspect of their life. They can get extremely irritable, fidgety/restless or even agressive/violent if they don't get their "fix" of the healthy behaviour one time. It is still definitely better than abusing substances or gambling for example, absolutely, but the actual "how" I've seen it happen worries me a little. I don't want to go from an addiction to another 😖. Any advice please? 🙏
Hi Dr. Scott, OMG this video lifted a mountain of shame from me this morning..one of several in which I watched. All excellent, but after a 20 yr/ three children marriage, now 15 years later still under Narcissist abuse and my youngest son dead as a consequence, I over drank on more than a few occasions for about 3 years..I too rely on my physical health and activities. I truly would not be alive had I not buffered myself against the explosive assault of abuse that continues to happen after 35 years (he has an army)..communal abuse..The shame has eaten me away until now. Thank you.I was aware of the addiction "rabbit hole" and stopped 4 years ago. I do have a wonderful therapist of 5 years and follow 3, seemingly astute You Tube channels on NPD and Process addiction..my X's story. Thank you.
I love finding a new concept that i didn't know i needed to know and I'm actually ready for it and can see it and maybe even actually i can do it! Baby steps to the bus, and thank goodness for the things that saved us for me as a child i used reading as my escape from a cult upbringing.
So thankful for channels like yours. Some of us don’t have access to healthcare and even for us that do we might not always be paired with the best therapist. Even speaking from my position I am beyond blessed to have an amazing therapist but I still love videos like this and how much they help further my healing journey. Thank you
I struggled with alcohol and drug addiction turned to depression anxiety and PASSIVE S.I . I got jailed becaue i was tested pregnant here in middle east and now it saved it me from everything. Court released me for awhile duệ my psychological illness. I stopped my certraline. And Im still suffering from SUICIDE ideation anxiety . Dr. Scott u just saved from some of my thought since i couldnt afford theraphy
Oh my god...I am waiting for this one with baited breath! Dr. Scott, your videos are crisp, to the point and full of practical tips, which I really need to get to the 'action' stage from the 'inertia' stage(which pretty much has become my default setting). Keep up the fantastic work! Congratulations on reaching the 100K mark! Thanks for the knowledge you so freely impart. - A subscriber from India.
I think your on to something, recognizing that at one point it was a good solution to a problem. But that now it's over stayed it's welcome, it's like chemotherapy, the treatment is harmful but given the situation the problem it was helping to solve was worth the trade off. But taking chemotherapy after you've recovered is just destroying your body for no reason.
Kundalini yoga is a resource that works as fast as an unsustainable resource and makes me feel amazing. The only thing is it’s often still easier to stuff food in my mouth than apply the effort it takes to practice. Sometimes I will just do some breath of fire or a 2-3 minute easy warmup exercise and then I’ll get more into it. Totally knocked out my month+ Long heavy depression when combined with some jumping jacks and dancing…gotta keep it up.
I've been taking pharmaceuticals the past few months. I feel as though they've been way worse for my mental health and for dealing with grief. Akatheshia paired with pre existing depression from anti psychotics made me feel very suicidal, and I've also been using benzos. Not only are benzos very addictive and much harder to come off of than weed or something, but I find they've made me lethargic and super apathetic and have made me unable to grieve. Not to mention memory problems which probably lead to depersonalization. That being said, my 7 year kratom addiction has probably robbed me more than anything. Kratom made me either numb or angry and only really helped me be more social the first year I was on it. Granted it's still easier to stop kratom than pharmaceuticals as well
🤯 My brain is blown. I've had people tell me for years to swap out an unsustainable habit with a sustainable one (like eating kale chips instead of potato chips) and it never gave me the relief I needed. Thanks to you, I now understand that I need more resources to replace the instant gratification one. I also appreciated you explaining stacking and chaining. That will help me better plan resources in both categories so I can do the regular self-care plus my S.O.S. remedies. I appreciate your videos, your candor, and your empathy. Your presentations are real and I've never picked up a condescending tone, so it makes it a joy to receive your wisdom. ❤
wow.. just wow. You are so right!! Food saved me. Hands down. But you can't say that to anyone can you? And so yeah eating kept me calm and afloat as I was being swept out to sea in a riptide I was caught in (years and years of trauma and abuse) until I could slowly swim my way out with a patchwork of therapy, meditation, yoga..whatever I can grab.. So now I am looking around and noticed I am way out almost in open sea far from where I should be. But even though that's true the problems I have now (the long slow swim back to shore ) are pale in comparison to fighting the rip tide! Or just giving up and drowning. Just to hear a Dr. say 'yeah you did what you had to do' makes the next part-- 'now do what you have to do'-- seem possible! Thank you so much!
💯!! It goes without saying that understanding this leads to not only compassion for one self but also gratitude for the coping mechanism (aka addiction) that is a necessary component for healing❤ Thank you for driving this home!
Yeah, I once had an MD tell me to continue smoking cigarettes if it was getting me through a tough period. I was surprised at his response, but it makes sense. Thankfully, I quit 5 years ago.
Dr whenever I stumble on your videos I feel like you understand the humain experience greatly and you have always wise words to say. I can relate to alot of what you say
You nailed it right on the head. I thought about this but was not sure. Not you saying it, it makes sense. My addiction “saved” me from suicide, but killed me as an individual. Thank you
I sam so glad you gave words to my struggles. I looked back at that time and realized that nothing could have been different given what I was working with.
Gambling, alcohol, weed. These carried me for very long time and absolutely shame came with them every step of the way. I am not convinced I would have surviived without them, and I am working on life being ok without them. Long walks and big talks with my higher power. Thanks for this.
Absolutely! I've used marijuana daily for large chunks of my life after growing up as an empathic person with two narcissistic parents. At least for those couple of hours, I could relax from the stress and hypervigilance that was my constant companion. I would say the cost was that using marijuana blocked the reality of 1) the misery of the unhealthy relationships and situations I've been in, and 2) the deeper trauma that I've needed to heal from. Thank you so much for your compassion and clarity.
Looking forward to this. I have a disorder called somatoform disorder. It is a neuro psych disorder with causes inappropriate messages to be sent from the brain to give unusual body movement. If in trying to talk to people about certain issues I stutter severely, I have horrid and painful facial distortions, frequently my head turns to the sky, my eyes close and a develop head/neck spasms. It affects my walking, my legs are difficult and painful to move and my back bends forwards. When I’m not triggered I’m fine, but I am very easily and frequently triggered.I only get out of my bed to go to the toilet or to look out of the kitchen window for a moment at about 3am. All of the other rooms I peek into from the doorway. I no longer know who I am or what I do. All of these things are designed to not allow me to interact with other people. And the reason is shame. Shame drives this disorder. What am I ashamed of? My very existence. But also because no matter what I have done in my life and no matter how experienced or trained in any area I feel like a fraud, a liar. I feel like no matter what I am inadequate, stupid, shameful. I have experience ptsd, depression,anxiety my entire life. The somatoform disorder and this extent of isolating began 7 years ago. It is ruthless.
“the body keeps score” I was traumatized when I realized my unhealthy relationship had me agoraphobic, night sweats, vomiting, etc… it hasn’t magically disappeared but I’ve slept more in the past couple weeks than half a year. Besides actually getting up the nerve to set up an appt., finding a counselor was the hardest with my insurance and even tho I’m one paycheck and possibly a new car battery away from being homeless.. I would rather be where I am now than having that extra cash. I still sort of think I’m a waste of space and wish I hadn’t been born but I’m realizing that empathy we have is a skill itself.. not everyone can relate. That’s some character defining shit. With all you’re going thru I couldn’t imagine.. tho it’s hard for me to leave the house even when my car won’t start because making it to and from work is like the only thing I can do to survive right now. I hate that I’m not reliable being late often because leaving the house is so hard.. taking care of a car, a death machine on wheels, is no where near my top priority.. maybe I’ll start focusing on that or something. Idk! I’m just proud I’m still standing.. same for you, Maybe one day we can believe people who say they care and understand…
@@lindseyjohnson3577 thank you for your reply. One survivor to another I wish you all the best for your recovery and I hope that your position changes somehow for you to keep a roof over your head.
330 am. I'm so emotional listening to this. It feels like someone finally puts into words what has been trapped for decades inside of me. This person is a blessing to the world. I pray he keeps this endeavor helping so many lost and desperate souls like mine. ❤
While I don’t recommend “develop a drinking problem then get and stay sober” as a method for building up self-esteem, that was, in fact, my trajectory. I did have to face what I was trying to drink away, but I was able to do so in small chunks, and I didn’t really start on that part till I had a few months in.
Thanks for the video. A thought that it triggered for me: a lot of us have heard the motivational statement to "make decisions today that the future version of you will be proud of and thank you for". But similarly, the version of who we are today *is* the future version of who we were yesterday. And just as today we can work to help out the future version of ourselves, today we can also pause to forgive and/or thank the past versions of ourselves. We can, today, release ourselves from any guilt and shame that our past versions keep bringing up to our present versions. And we can express gratitude to ourselves for the work we've done to keep ourselves as safe and as healthy as we best knew how to at the time.
TV addiction got me through high school. Via phone addiction I've enriched my life through RUclips videos. needless to say I exaggerated and needed to spend more of my time slow living, developing my passions and hobbies and taking care of myself, plus spending more time with people I love. Also adding to what Dr. Scott said that drug addictions, and also smoking and alcoholism addictions can kill you.
This video hit deep and I truly thank you for understanding what I am struggling with an putting it into words. The things you mentioned are SO accurate it blew my mind. My disordered eating helped me deal with some huge things earlier in my life - but now in my early 40s that 'unsustainable resource' has caused more damage, destruction, chronic health issues and misery than any of the original issues I had - and I do cope with this by continuing to use the resource that is killing me in a neverending vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of. Your points here summed it up so well for me and I fully & completely relate to it. This video has planted a little seed and I appreciate it so much.
I relate. Something I did long ago is frowned upon behavior in society. But I had come to realize even before I saw this video that it probably saved my life.
I started oversleeping a few years ago because of how bad my depression had got I couldn't be awake for long without crying. I knew it wasn't the best way to handle it but it helped at the time then when I noticed how bad it was starting to hurt me I started trying to make myself scroll on Pinterest to look at things I used to be interested in.. I finally came across a few really good podcast channels & slowly went from there I still feel bad looking back on that time thinking of how I could've/should've handled things in a better way. Thanks for the reminder to not let it get to me 💚
Good topic, a therapist i had said it can help to thank the past parts of ourselves that helped us to survive. I think I developed a bit of a prickly personality and got good at cutting people out of my life and scaring others away, as a coping strategy for experiencing so much emotional abuse from a lot of narcissistic people who were in my life. The problem is now I'm really isolated and it feels absolutely terrible, overwhelming and frightening. I've been practising softening and building connections again but it's a challenge and it takes time to build a network. I'm scared of a lifetime of isolation.
I was just thinking the other day about how much I rely on my low-stakes daily gambling to escape depression, anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I have hope that one day soon my other interests and hobbies will become a more effective resource. Thank you for your videos; they're to the point and illuminating.
Same here. I'm really trying to get through it, but the should of, could of, would of, kills me. Also, I was traumatized by the situation. Just want you to know you're not alone ❤
My girlies have helped me, but my last remaining pup is 16 and in very ill health. And my husband said no more after she's gone, cos he cannot take the pain of losing them. I don't know what I'll do with no furry bundle of love. I have no human kids, so it's been very hard on me too. My Westie, Katie, was what's called a 'heart dog', we were so incredibly close. She died of lung cancer (had the tumor removed, another one grew) 2 weeks before her 13th birthday. I tell him if I can go on after my Katie baby then he should be able to cope. And I still think of her nearly every day. Sorry--floodgate opened!
I can hear you great on this video Dr Scott👍 Your backdrop is neutral and totally appropriate in my opinion. I really like when your videos are just against a black wall as well with no bells, whistles etc etc! The fact that you speak at a slower pace than a lot of my US RUclips friends is a huge plus! And so important for anyone who’s dealing with depression, anxiety etc and wants to listen and absorb. I’ve had to unsubscribe from channels in the past because the creator speaks so fast it actually creates stress in me!🙄. I’m here for your knowledge, personal experience, professionalism and practical help. I think you’ve got it spot on already with the style of your videos 👍🇬🇧🇬🇧
Definitely have more than one thing that would fall under that category. And yes, it started early and there was no support. A therapist has told me something like this too. I just never thought of it as the thing that I am most ashamed of. Why is it so hard to understand what I am most ashamed of?! 🤔
been through the regret phase; walked away abruptly from my “resources”; coming up on a sobriety length as long as my resource use was🥳.. replaced with a great job where i could shine and learn and now i have leaned into my past and realize it’s a pretty strong witness .. it was part of my journey.. this video, is brilliant…
You're my new best friend!!!! Honestly, brother, you're saving my life from this downward spiral of chronic depression and constant numbness. I'm getting better daily thanks to you! There is a very special place in Heaven for you for you sharing your story and gifts with the world free of charge!!!❤❤❤❤❤
Your math analogies speak to me and help me understand those points where I run into a wall quite well. One behavioral economics tidbit I always kept was the peak-end rule, wherein one's continued suffering all pales in comparison when a phase of real healing and growth follow.
I had anorexia and bulimia from the age of 17. I was in my 40s before I no longer felt it defined me. I can see so clearly ,after watching your video, that I can let go of the shame I have carried for so long. I dread to think how I would have handled the pain of my unhappy life without my addiction and the sense of control it gave me . Thank you.
How do you stop seeing yourself as inferior for your addictive behaviors when the majority of people will always see you that way? I definitely wouldn't have survived my childhood without turning to food addiction & self harm. But now that I'm 31 and all people see when they look at me is my size, not a person... I often wish I hadn't. I wanted to die since I was 10. I've basically given up on any hope for ED recovery, because no one wants you to recover when you're fat. Literally no one cares. There are ZERO resources for sufferers in larger bodies; they're designed for smaller people. I'm I'm so tired of being worthless.
I grew up....welcoming and owning shame. That oft repetative phrase....."Shame On You." As the years went on..... I believe that shame...has also kept me from repeating...whatever I had done....things....that didn't sit quite right....in my mind....as how to conduct oneself. I recently had...another episode of shame...something I had done.... decades ago. I thought..."Why did you do that....how could you do that?" After reassessing...the 'not so nice' but certainly not criminal behavior I exhibited in my late teens...very early 20s....I immediately felt the need to forgive myself....but only after....I silently....apologized...in my mind....to the person I felt I had wronged ...or could have done better by. If....I had known better....I might have done better...I certainly would've held myself to a higher standard. And....onward....I march!!
🤔🤔🤔.....Challenging But It DOES Make Sense! Then I Found AA & Twelve-Step Recovery & Distress Tolerance (DBT!) Because I Never Gave Up Trying To Feel, Cope & Function Better & Do It In A HEALTHIER Way! I Never Will! I Like How You Described These Skills!
Thank you, Dr. Scott. You will never know how much help you actually offer to people like me. I guess because you've been there so you do not give those kind of well intentioned but cliche and too readily believed answers. Like to take a walk is going to help when you are at the bottom of the pit. And if one say I do not want to take that walk, the well meaning people in your life may they be your family or friends who have your best interests in heart, will think that I am not even making an effort to help myself. And it's kind of like it's my fault that I am still in the dump because I did not do what I have to do to help myself. When that happens to me, I feel like I need to distance myself and have some solitude time because their presence can make me feel even worse. For what I feel rightly or wrongly, what they are really saying is I am the one who is perpetuating my sadness or depression. It makes me vary too when I try to help someone how far I can offer 'advice' especially when I haven't experienced what people experienced. And even if I have experienced it, there can still be a difference in severity and intensity. The reality is one never can learn everything, especially what is really important in life in a textbook. Unfortunately, textbook seems to be the only available resources for how a lot of practicing pschychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists learn their trade. Experience in life and understanding can make a big difference in someone's ability to help. As for loved ones or friends, one need to know that there is a difference between sympathy and empathy. Sometimes all a person can offer is sympathy which is 'nice' but not even able to help to scratch the surface as to relieve pain. Empathy is a gift. Sometimes all one need for the moment can be just for someone to hold their hand instead of so keen for seeking a solution which is very often not plain to see. Some wounds take a long time to heal. And changes take time. And mistakes are part of the course. Another thing I observe is it is relatively easy to do all the digging part say with or without the help of a therapist, like going into childhood traumas and everything that have gone wrong in your life and all the darkness and shame come to light. But the real challenge comes, i.e. how to handle that pain and suffering that are brought out after all these revelations, self knowledge and awareness. For that pain and suffering can be very severe because we are not dealing with all the stuff that were buried for so long, or even in some ways, forgotten. And some therapists are just not equipped to deal with this aftermath. Oh, and I really like the way you put it when you said about the hero turned into the villain. That is enlightening to me. And addiction could be actually that something that saved the day. For when there is addiction, pain is always present. That's what the addiction is for, to relieve pain, and yes for a high cost. I think when people realized that, one will not attribute such shame and judgement on people who are fighting addictions. Addictions are just coping tools. Understanding is the key. Pointing out the truth helps. But speak up and pointing out the truth is not the same as judgement. Sadly a lot of people do not realize the difference between the two. When people do not want to see or acknowledge their own flaws and then they see those flaws making a presence in another person's personality, the reaction to those flaws is the intensity of the emotions of judgement. It is they themselves and their flaws that they do not want to face and acknowledge. When one sees the pain behind addiction, one will not be judging. Anyway in short, just to want to say a heartfelt thank you. Always look forward to your next video. The notification is always on. And by the way, I do not have a problem with the room, camera or sound quality. Obviously there is always room for improvement. But as far as I am concerned, it is working well for the purpose. 😊 ❤
@@GraceRay-b9m ☺️ You really helped me with your comment. Ive been trying to "teach" my mom and sister some things about how they can help and the things that are not helpful, for years. The said they wanted to learn, but clearly they don't. It's not easy to look at your pain, etc. It takes so much courage to do this work. And I'm sad to have to set boundaries with them as I so wish they could be a soft place to fall. So thank you again. Just know you absolutely helped one person on their difficult journey (and like many more). Many blessings!! 💕☺️
Please, please give energy to the goal. This is such an important issue. And a way of thinking that I've never heard before. SO helpful!!! Content is critical. Background should be ignorable, never upstage you. This one is just fine.
Thanks so much for the empathy and validation for someone like me to stop blaming myself. Thanks a ton more for the applicable steps you outlined. God bless you Scott! Your being is the true image of Christ as an embodiment of love! Keep loving, keep living! Much gratitude and immense respect!
Thanks Dr Scott this is such an honest video. There is a lot of moralising and denial in the recovery community which only adds to peoples distress. If things like drugs and alcohol really had NOTHING going for them in terms of pain relief and pleasure at least in short term then it would be simple to give them up. You have alleviated a lot of shame with your honesty and truth telling. Adding nuance and compassion to the problem of addiction. Thank you 🙏💗
Dear Dr. Eilers, I have a video production background, but how your set looks is not why I subscribe to your channel. I listen to you because of your insights, the honesty and vulnerability in your words. You are an unexpected, welcome GIFT in my life,, and I can't thank you enough for doing these videos. You could have a canvas drop cloth as a backdrop as far as I'm concerned. 😊😏
I so appreciate you...not only do you help me with my mental health challenges, but you show me the growth of a quality content RUclips channel! Thanks, Dr. Scott...you are the real deal.❤🎉❤😊
I found this video to be an invaluable part of my drug recovery plan. It also helps me explain where I'm at to my mom, who is my greatest supporter. Thank you so much!
Mine was lying. I didn't feel safe being honest about the madness happening in my real life, so I survived by creating a fictional facade. I would get a dopamine hit every time I got away with a lie. It became an addiction until I was able to heal from the trauma. 😊
New to your channel. Love it, by the way. Thank you for discussing this topic, shame. I was just thinking about this very thing earlier today. I'm still very much in the middle of distress, trauma and grieving. This is coming from the death of one parent with the other parent lost to dementia and closer rather than farther away from death. These deaths open up wounds of toxic, narcissistic emotional/verbal abuse that had long been scabbed over amongst the whole remaining family (kids/siblings) trying to deal with the fall-out (very dysfunctionally). I'm no where near being out of it or putting it behind me. I'm being swallowed whole and drowning- completely under water. I have felt shame for the odd coping mechanisms that I use just to make it through each day. Thanks to this video I now know it's okay to stop piling on myself the guilt, shame, and embarrassment that I feel for just trying to get by, for now, without harming myself or taking my own life (which I really don't want to do). Many times throughout the days I'm going through, I feel so desperate to stop the pain, I'll do (almost) ANYTHING for a little bit of non-suffering/peace. I am isolated due to chronic illness and have few resources at this point, so I truly don't know how I'll get through this really long, dark season. One thing I know now, thanks to this video, is that I can wipe "shame" off my already overwhelming list. And that's really something. Oh, and I do try to remember to celebrate the heck out of sitting up in bed and getting my teeth brushed AND flossed. That video has been a life saver too. Many thanks again.
When you realize your hero is a liar and it was the only thing that kept you going, then there is simply no point going on when you finally realize the hero is the villain all along. He didn't save you. He just stringing you all along, And you let him because you thought it was your lifeline and you believed him because you believe what you want to believe. But maybe survival is overrated after all. There has to be something more in life to make it worth the struggle. What are you actually living for? The mistake I make time and time again is that I mistook one act of kindness, which is just a simple Christian thing to do, basic human decency that's all as people actually want me around but that is just my blindness and pure desperation. Pity is not love. It is just degrading.
You don't need to worry about the background. There are probably many people like myself who aren't watching you. They are listening as they do something else.
You’re absolutely extraordinary! I have no words do express (not that I have any idea any other way haha) and show the appreciation I have for your job. I had an urge to bring you in other languages. You’d help a lot of people in Brazil. Spanish too. You’re amazing.. again! Congratulations and thank you thank you thank you thank you sooooiii much
I've struggled with food addiction since I was a child. my therapist once told me, "I'd rather you be fat than dead", while i was expressing the shame i carried. i havent looked at it the same since. addiction for sure kept me alive while i was experiencing hell on earth. give yourself some credit and put down the self beating for a sec.
Wow that is pretty powerful actually. Thank you x
I was able to get through my food addiction. I lost 150 …never thought it was possible. If you want to lose and manage your intake - I can teach some things that might help. Not trying to solicit anything. My aim is to help folks who share in the pain.
@@buckyes6749 I'm always open to new strategies. Congrats on your achievement! Actually, I also have lost 150 pounds and am now a pretty serious strength lifter. I won't say I've conquered the addiction, but I no longer need it to survive.
@buckyes6749 I share in your pain! I can't manage to lose weight and it's a requirement to get a heart transplant. So, you know, slightly important.
I'm ashamed of how often I just give up and give in to my feelings. I've wasted so many days, and they add up to many years.
You're not alone, same here
I am addicted to RUclips! I am not getting anything productive done in my life!
😂
Never underestimate the power of pets. my dog was the only thing that helped in dire times. he always knew when i was struggling, and comforted me with much love, and no judgement. being the observant type, i realized very early that he knew alot more about me than, than i could ever know about him. he was an amstaff (american staffordshire terrier). i feel greatful to have had him in my life for 15 years.
So glad you had a beautiful companion to experience the purest form of love. As an animal communicator, our animals do have a deeper purpose in our lives and their own purpose. Glad you got to share that experience 💙
Such a fantastic starting point for escaping addiction! As Wayne Dyer said, "Nobody ever beats an addiction from a position of self-loathing."
My response to toxic situations was to go shopping. Not in outrageous ways, but constant ways - very seldom did I spend more that $50 at a time, but "stuff" made me feel better. Now I have figured out what was going on and am now donating, throwing out, giving supplies to others who WILL use them or re- purposing stuff. It's slow going, but I understand why I had ever hobby under the sun and all the supplies for each hobby. At one time I had at least 45 hobbies - the number is going down, and I'm figurimg out what I really enjoy now in this stage of life. I also see how much money I spent, but luckily at the time I could afford it.
I used to do the same thing. I used to use clothes as an armour against bullying and would often prioritise going clothes shopping. Later when I felt shame after various life events I'd wander around shops and buy home ware. It made me feel better temporarily until I realised I was using it as a comfort and avoidance strategy for facing up to some problems. I've been de cluttering and donating too, shopping less and when I do go shopping I try to be very mindful so I that don't just buy lots of random things I don't need and have nowhere to put. It's a challenge because it makes me feel better short term but doesn't help long-term.
Same here! I suddenly realised it became difficult to clean due to so much stuff. I saw these hoarder programmes and my heart broke with how their trauma had made them that way. I identified so much. So I realised I had to stop. Same as others here, I have been clearing out and downsizing. I never want to live buried amongst all my junk, I won't let it happen.
The trick I used to stop me getting takeaways all the time too and piling on the weight... each time I resisted getting take out and made a meal myself, I gave myself a point, only when I had 20 points I would buy myself a treat. Wow. So much money, weight gain and useless junk saved. I realised these are all my very costly coping mechanisms.
Ditto to everyone! I've wasted soooo much money, time, and energy. I have a whole craft room, crammed full of supplies. Worse than that is that I don't DO any crafts! I won't let myself have the time to do anything because I want to get the room organized! At this rate I'll never again craft!! 🫤😢
Don't worry about the backdrop! Your content is what counts, and it's right on.
Agreed!
Definitely!
I think that the backdrop looks really cool.
In my recovery journey I learned about something called the 7 seconds rule. Any craving you have for substances cannot last long if you focus on something else. So by holding yourself back from acting on impulse for a specific time period, you can do something called urge surfing. This actually worked for me primarily, because I believed that it would. I would consistently, purposely do something else wherever I wanted to use a substance and eventually it became a coping strategy that eventually made it possible to not crave them anymore.
Thank you for sharing this strategy. I think this could help a lot for one of my addictions, in combination with resource chaining.
I give myself 16seconds😂
Death Metal and Doom Metal saved my life. If it hadn't been for it, and playing it in bands, I'd have possibly fallen into many of the destructive 'resources' you talk about. Luckily the metal was enough, so I never needed the chemical escapes.
Metal was important for me too, and later dark industrial music ❤️
@@DrScottEilers yes, darkwave / industrial was in there, too 🖤
Any band recommendations?🤘
@@frigidmonk My Dying Bride, Katatonia, Esoteric, Blut Aus Nord, Deathspell Omega, Anathema, Theater of Tragedy, Candlemass, Evoken, Paradise Lost, Opeth, Paramacium, Ashen Mortality, and others.
The 20-30 minute walk vs a 3 hour walk was a great example. Simple yet eye opening.
Yes! I find it's more achievable to do. Anything more than that tends to make me miserable.
The DOUBLE EDGE SWORD theory. My incest counselor explained this to me about my sleeping around aching to be loved. I thought my beauty and very sexual behavior gave me the upper hand and I wud the one 'calling the shots' . We recognized I was attempting to punish men for the men that raped me in childhood. As soon as she said I was wielding a DOUBLE EDGE SWORD a LIGHT CAME ON
I started to understand my part in continuing my abusive childhood dynamics.
I can relate to that. Different, but similar enough that I totally understand. It's comforting to know that there are other people who've been through the same things and feel the same way. I hope you have a great day :)
@@angelaisacliche I have come a long way. Part of my healing came from forming a deep attachment with a story cat. I was raised to dislike them. God sent me one very sick, very near death. I found something to take care of and this cat ended up being 'my guy' for 18years.
I love the plank background. It's attractive, doesn't cause me distractions like if there were paintings/artwork hanging. I say even when you move your recording area, keep the background. That's my vote. 😊
I said exactly the same thing on my comment!😂
Same, I like it! It's been there for a while now, wouldn't be the same without it.
I like it a lot
Agreed. It's nice and neutral but not totally plain and boring
I love it
Wow, I’d never thought of coping mechanisms like this. It’s an eye opening idea that the thing that someone struggles with is the same thing that was their hero for a season.
Not to worry about your physical environment …it’s your words and expertise that are important to us/me. 💕
Depression & anxiety ..this is a monster ,it's killing to many people ❤
I like the wood backdrop, it is calming and portrays strength. 🙂
Dr. Scott.. this 20 minute video you just posted helped MORE than any counsel session I’ve had in the past 5-8 years!! The things I carry in silence are damaging my soul. I have a few coping mechanisms that aren’t the greatest. It seems that the therapists that I have seen try to fix my coping mechanisms before they listen to why I use them. It’s very frustrating! But this gives me hope and lifts a little shame. So, thank you! I need a dr like you that “gets it” Because of your videos, and specifically this one, I will continue to look for another therapist for help. ~L
... and trust yourself to find a compass. This video showed me so much including that I am capable. We once found a tool, now let's curiously inquire which is the best for now.
💜💜🇬🇧
Mine was domestic violence used smoking to partly self soothe
Absolutly my experience...years of comfort in a very painful environment...the more i healed..the less i wanted food...I can thank myself now for surviving ...gwtting to a place where you can genuinely say thank you for whatever helped you survive is wonderful...and the way to letting it go...🎉❤
You have single-handedly changed my life. I looked up on your tube how to get out of a depressive episode because I've lost so much the past few months to this. The only thing that brought any relief the past few months in this was using followed by that shame, more using, and hopelessness none of this would change. I've heard many videos and sought out therapy for years only to be suggested coping skills like deep breathing if numerous psych ward stays to keep me safe but nothing seemed to help. I am also riddled with scars and weight fluctuations (ED) since 13 due to severe trauma. I was doing well for awhile, maintained sobriety, bought a house, almost finished my degree, was self harm free, but then had the worst time post partum with my daughter. It's like everything was swept away and I've been painfully existing (barely) since then. Thank you for being the one person that has not only made me feel seen and human, but have productive tools to deal with this.
Omg thank you for discussing this from a different perspective. I waa a military/civilian nurse for 17 years but have dealt with some yuck issues and spiraled in depression. A substance gave me energy, creativity and hope again. Thats all i needed was to feel and see hope. I found my sparkle and did not need the substance any longer. Thank you for being real and saying what others are scared to say. You are truly helping people by doing this.. 🙏❤️
it's terrifying once I realized it's an addiction and not just a coping mech
I have been a paramedic for 18 years and now a nurse for 12 years. I started a new job Summer 2023 in corrections nursing which was a completely new area of nursing for me and I looked forward to the challenge. Shortly after I started work, I was sexually assaulted by a healthcare provider I had been seeing for many years. I started losing focus and ended up making a medication error that could have been very bad. I have resigned rather than being fired. I don't know how to move forward from here. I carry so much guilt and have lost my confidence
So sorry for what you are going through. I hope you can get some good support and guidance. Thank you for your care for others and I hope you can forgive yourself for making a mistake while under tremendous pressure.
😢
I so dont care about your setback . I hear you, a see you , Im interested and satisfied with your content. You are not just full of knowledge, but you make me understand what are you talking about . You are a pleasant appearance , your voice is calm , you use your own stories, or your clients examples so I can understand . For me, personal, you could stay into a barn , on the most sumptuous office is absolutely the same . Im not looking for a "diva", a fashion model or such on your channel, I need your content , your help . I need to see your face , and hear what you say . For me is more then enough . But this is me thou . Thank you for everything Doc. From Spain with gratitude.
I appreciate that. But another benefit of being able to record in my office is that I won’t have to record on weekends anymore 😁
This is very logical to me, I even use the same phrase "I don't have luxury" in the same context.
Years ago, after a bad divorce, Halle Berry made a terrible movie called BAPS. She took a lot of crap for it. I think she was nominated for or even won a Razzie that year. But I always remember in interviews she said working on the movie got her out of bed every day. It was either make the stupid movie or kill herself, and she's happy for the choice she made.
i agree, and i have pulled this argument at my loved ones a couple of times and they understood.
it's good to hear though that i can and should let go of the guilt, as it perpetuates the cycle.
i'm very much, and have been for a few years, back in the safe zone, and those unsustainable coping mechanisms are starting to ruin my physical health.
at the same time, now that i'm doing better, i'm trying to transition back into active life, to learn a skill and go hunting for a job (after over a decade off work). so it's kinda tricky to be letting go of those crutches.
psychologically, it would be a good idea to keep them until i'm settled back into "normal" life, but physically i cannot sustain that any more.
i have noticed that i have pulled myself out of my darkest periods through things like creative hobbies and tarot (tarot calms my racing thoughts - turned out i have adhd and some autism traits), and there definitely are days i'm feeling in distress, and i will jump from one to another, - it's so nice to have an explanation for what i've been doing (chaining them because they plateau), and it is also very good to have my instinctive strategies validated by a professional that you are - so thank you very much.
it is very useful in building my self-confidence and trust that i seem to know what i need to do. i feel that it's going to give me a bit more courage to keep pushing forward, which is awesome and much needed - great timing!
Scott! I once made this exact same point at a recovery meeting. The facilitator got really angry at me. So many times I've heard people who got clean say that they were killing themselves a little bit at a time. My mom committed suicide when I was 7 years old. I am here to tell you that the little bit at a time strategy is also known as harm reduction for everyone involved.
P.S. I totally thought that was REAL reclaimed wood on the wall behind you! I like it! I vote that you take it with you to the new office setup. Perfect transition and nobody will notice a thing!😊
Watching someone kill my Service Dog as a threat to me. How do you get over witnessing the murder of the one who gave their life, protecting, and saved you? This person was a POA for a family member, a person put into the Position of Trust to care for a Person at Risk, was a thief and murderer and, by law, there was nothing that could be done. She should be in prison. I'm living with PTSD for the many things she did, and there was nothing I could do at the time.
Even with an incredible support system you can still fall into this.
A good support system doesn’t mean you will not fall into this it doesn’t mean it’s always going to be good. That you always have it handled because your support system is good.
First time I have ever posted a comment, but I feel so strongly with regard to the video content.
Your initial description of unsustainable resource use, then it becoming self-perpetuating, then the shame and regret is exactly my situation. 50 years of it, so isolating and lonely. And as you say, looking back, my life could all have been so different.
Thank you, Dr. Scott, for your understanding, explanation, tools and techniques to enable change. As you say in one of your other videos: Never give up.
Compulsive obsession since 1977 (10 years old) -- things have to be in certain order and some things can't be moved (some extreme neatness- not hoarding!) 56 now and still some of it left over-- really need to just get rid of everything except essentials - car, couch, tables definitely needed. I made a lot of drawings and paintings- even when they suck- helped a lot. Had to cope with being terribly awkward growing up.
The information you give us is so valuable that the "look" or style of the video is the last thing I'm thinking about. I'm very grateful for your honest and helpful concepts and tools shared here.
I've known for a while my substance use was the alternative to suicide. So yes it helped me survive through a dark time but led to more dark times by it's existence. Thankfully I made it out . I appreciate your compassionate perspective on this topic and this content is incredibly helpful in my recovery. Thank you!
The one thing I worry about concerning the alternative resources, is getting again addicted to these as well. Since we already have addictive tendencies/habits.
Any advice on how to remove the old/bad addiction and move to better things without just ending up with another addiction please?
I've seen many people, just for example, get into "health" right, but then they are not able to sit still or stay calm if they miss the gym (or the healthy drink, or the perfect amount of sleep, etc...) for just one day (even if for important reasons). Or some start needing even more and more and more minutes/hours of exercise (even getting sick from over doing it).And it starts negatively affecting every other aspect of their life. They can get extremely irritable, fidgety/restless or even agressive/violent if they don't get their "fix" of the healthy behaviour one time.
It is still definitely better than abusing substances or gambling for example, absolutely, but the actual "how" I've seen it happen worries me a little. I don't want to go from an addiction to another 😖.
Any advice please? 🙏
Would you provide more examples of sustainable resources and the chaining technique, please?
Hi Dr. Scott, OMG this video lifted a mountain of shame from me this morning..one of several in which I watched. All excellent, but after a 20 yr/ three children marriage, now 15 years later still under Narcissist abuse and my youngest son dead as a consequence, I over drank on more than a few occasions for about 3 years..I too rely on my physical health and activities. I truly would not be alive had I not buffered myself against the explosive assault of abuse that continues to happen after 35 years (he has an army)..communal abuse..The shame has eaten me away until now. Thank you.I was aware of the addiction "rabbit hole" and stopped 4 years ago. I do have a wonderful therapist of 5 years and follow 3, seemingly astute You Tube channels on NPD and Process addiction..my X's story. Thank you.
I love finding a new concept that i didn't know i needed to know and I'm actually ready for it and can see it and maybe even actually i can do it! Baby steps to the bus, and thank goodness for the things that saved us for me as a child i used reading as my escape from a cult upbringing.
So thankful for channels like yours.
Some of us don’t have access to healthcare and even for us that do we might not always be paired with the best therapist.
Even speaking from my position I am beyond blessed to have an amazing therapist but I still love videos like this and how much they help further my healing journey. Thank you
I struggled with alcohol and drug addiction turned to depression anxiety and PASSIVE S.I . I got jailed becaue i was tested pregnant here in middle east and now it saved it me from everything. Court released me for awhile duệ my psychological illness. I stopped my certraline. And Im still suffering from SUICIDE ideation anxiety . Dr. Scott u just saved from some of my thought since i couldnt afford theraphy
Oh my god...I am waiting for this one with baited breath!
Dr. Scott, your videos are crisp, to the point and full of practical tips, which I really need to get to the 'action' stage from the 'inertia' stage(which pretty much has become my default setting). Keep up the fantastic work! Congratulations on reaching the 100K mark!
Thanks for the knowledge you so freely impart.
- A subscriber from India.
Dear Dr. Scott, all the time you just talk about that I need! Your knowledge is original, authentic and deep. Thank you, keep on doing!
I think your on to something, recognizing that at one point it was a good solution to a problem. But that now it's over stayed it's welcome, it's like chemotherapy, the treatment is harmful but given the situation the problem it was helping to solve was worth the trade off. But taking chemotherapy after you've recovered is just destroying your body for no reason.
Great analogy!
Kundalini yoga is a resource that works as fast as an unsustainable resource and makes me feel amazing. The only thing is it’s often still easier to stuff food in my mouth than apply the effort it takes to practice. Sometimes I will just do some breath of fire or a 2-3 minute easy warmup exercise and then I’ll get more into it. Totally knocked out my month+ Long heavy depression when combined with some jumping jacks and dancing…gotta keep it up.
I've been taking pharmaceuticals the past few months. I feel as though they've been way worse for my mental health and for dealing with grief. Akatheshia paired with pre existing depression from anti psychotics made me feel very suicidal, and I've also been using benzos. Not only are benzos very addictive and much harder to come off of than weed or something, but I find they've made me lethargic and super apathetic and have made me unable to grieve. Not to mention memory problems which probably lead to depersonalization. That being said, my 7 year kratom addiction has probably robbed me more than anything. Kratom made me either numb or angry and only really helped me be more social the first year I was on it. Granted it's still easier to stop kratom than pharmaceuticals as well
🤯 My brain is blown. I've had people tell me for years to swap out an unsustainable habit with a sustainable one (like eating kale chips instead of potato chips) and it never gave me the relief I needed. Thanks to you, I now understand that I need more resources to replace the instant gratification one. I also appreciated you explaining stacking and chaining. That will help me better plan resources in both categories so I can do the regular self-care plus my S.O.S. remedies. I appreciate your videos, your candor, and your empathy. Your presentations are real and I've never picked up a condescending tone, so it makes it a joy to receive your wisdom. ❤
I am not a religious person but thank God for you
👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽
wow.. just wow. You are so right!! Food saved me. Hands down. But you can't say that to anyone can you? And so yeah eating kept me calm and afloat as I was being swept out to sea in a riptide I was caught in (years and years of trauma and abuse) until I could slowly swim my way out with a patchwork of therapy, meditation, yoga..whatever I can grab.. So now I am looking around and noticed I am way out almost in open sea far from where I should be. But even though that's true the problems I have now (the long slow swim back to shore ) are pale in comparison to fighting the rip tide! Or just giving up and drowning. Just to hear a Dr. say 'yeah you did what you had to do' makes the next part-- 'now do what you have to do'-- seem possible! Thank you so much!
Love the way you put that! You're awesome. And your expression of your journey helps me on my journey. Amazing. Many blessings! 💕
💯!! It goes without saying that understanding this leads to not only compassion for one self but also gratitude for the coping mechanism (aka addiction) that is a necessary component for healing❤ Thank you for driving this home!
Yeah, I once had an MD tell me to continue smoking cigarettes if it was getting me through a tough period. I was surprised at his response, but it makes sense. Thankfully, I quit 5 years ago.
Dr whenever I stumble on your videos I feel like you understand the humain experience greatly and you have always wise words to say. I can relate to alot of what you say
You nailed it right on the head. I thought about this but was not sure. Not you saying it, it makes sense. My addiction “saved” me from suicide, but killed me as an individual. Thank you
I sam so glad you gave words to my struggles. I looked back at that time and realized that nothing could have been different given what I was working with.
Gambling, alcohol, weed. These carried me for very long time and absolutely shame came with them every step of the way. I am not convinced I would have surviived without them, and I am working on life being ok without them. Long walks and big talks with my higher power. Thanks for this.
Absolutely! I've used marijuana daily for large chunks of my life after growing up as an empathic person with two narcissistic parents. At least for those couple of hours, I could relax from the stress and hypervigilance that was my constant companion. I would say the cost was that using marijuana blocked the reality of 1) the misery of the unhealthy relationships and situations I've been in, and 2) the deeper trauma that I've needed to heal from. Thank you so much for your compassion and clarity.
Looking forward to this. I have a disorder called somatoform disorder. It is a neuro psych disorder with causes inappropriate messages to be sent from the brain to give unusual body movement. If in trying to talk to people about certain issues I stutter severely, I have horrid and painful facial distortions, frequently my head
turns to the sky, my eyes close and a develop head/neck spasms. It affects my walking, my legs are difficult and painful to move and my back bends forwards. When I’m not triggered I’m fine, but I am very easily and frequently triggered.I only get out of my bed to go to the toilet or to look out of the kitchen window for a moment at about 3am. All of the other rooms I peek into from the doorway. I no longer know who I am or what I do. All of these things are designed to not allow me to interact with other people. And the reason is shame. Shame drives this disorder. What am I ashamed of? My very existence. But also because no matter what I have done in my life and no matter how experienced or trained in any area I feel like a fraud, a liar. I feel like no matter what I am inadequate, stupid, shameful. I have experience ptsd, depression,anxiety my entire life. The somatoform disorder and this extent of isolating began 7 years ago. It is ruthless.
I'll pray for you sweetie.🙏
“the body keeps score” I was traumatized when I realized my unhealthy relationship had me agoraphobic, night sweats, vomiting, etc… it hasn’t magically disappeared but I’ve slept more in the past couple weeks than half a year. Besides actually getting up the nerve to set up an appt., finding a counselor was the hardest with my insurance and even tho I’m one paycheck and possibly a new car battery away from being homeless.. I would rather be where I am now than having that extra cash. I still sort of think I’m a waste of space and wish I hadn’t been born but I’m realizing that empathy we have is a skill itself.. not everyone can relate. That’s some character defining shit. With all you’re going thru I couldn’t imagine.. tho it’s hard for me to leave the house even when my car won’t start because making it to and from work is like the only thing I can do to survive right now. I hate that I’m not reliable being late often because leaving the house is so hard.. taking care of a car, a death machine on wheels, is no where near my top priority.. maybe I’ll start focusing on that or something. Idk! I’m just proud I’m still standing.. same for you,
Maybe one day we can believe people who say they care and understand…
I think you're awesome :D
@@lindseyjohnson3577 thank you for your reply. One survivor to another I wish you all the best for your recovery and I hope that your position changes somehow for you to keep a roof over your head.
@@angelaisacliche awww thank you. It’s not exactly how I feel but I will take the compliment anyway.
330 am. I'm so emotional listening to this. It feels like someone finally puts into words what has been trapped for decades inside of me. This person is a blessing to the world. I pray he keeps this endeavor helping so many lost and desperate souls like mine. ❤
You’re awesome Dr Scott. Thank you for sharing your hard won knowledge with us. You’re helping more than you know. 🎉
While I don’t recommend “develop a drinking problem then get and stay sober” as a method for building up self-esteem, that was, in fact, my trajectory. I did have to face what I was trying to drink away, but I was able to do so in small chunks, and I didn’t really start on that part till I had a few months in.
Thanks for the video. A thought that it triggered for me: a lot of us have heard the motivational statement to "make decisions today that the future version of you will be proud of and thank you for". But similarly, the version of who we are today *is* the future version of who we were yesterday. And just as today we can work to help out the future version of ourselves, today we can also pause to forgive and/or thank the past versions of ourselves. We can, today, release ourselves from any guilt and shame that our past versions keep bringing up to our present versions. And we can express gratitude to ourselves for the work we've done to keep ourselves as safe and as healthy as we best knew how to at the time.
TV addiction got me through high school. Via phone addiction I've enriched my life through RUclips videos. needless to say I exaggerated and needed to spend more of my time slow living, developing my passions and hobbies and taking care of myself, plus spending more time with people I love. Also adding to what Dr. Scott said that drug addictions, and also smoking and alcoholism addictions can kill you.
This video hit deep and I truly thank you for understanding what I am struggling with an putting it into words. The things you mentioned are SO accurate it blew my mind. My disordered eating helped me deal with some huge things earlier in my life - but now in my early 40s that 'unsustainable resource' has caused more damage, destruction, chronic health issues and misery than any of the original issues I had - and I do cope with this by continuing to use the resource that is killing me in a neverending vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of. Your points here summed it up so well for me and I fully & completely relate to it. This video has planted a little seed and I appreciate it so much.
What matters to me is what you have to say not how the background looks. And, the audio sounds great.
I relate. Something I did long ago is frowned upon behavior in society. But I had come to realize even before I saw this video that it probably saved my life.
I started oversleeping a few years ago because of how bad my depression had got I couldn't be awake for long without crying. I knew it wasn't the best way to handle it but it helped at the time then when I noticed how bad it was starting to hurt me I started trying to make myself scroll on Pinterest to look at things I used to be interested in.. I finally came across a few really good podcast channels & slowly went from there
I still feel bad looking back on that time thinking of how I could've/should've handled things in a better way.
Thanks for the reminder to not let it get to me 💚
Good topic, a therapist i had said it can help to thank the past parts of ourselves that helped us to survive. I think I developed a bit of a prickly personality and got good at cutting people out of my life and scaring others away, as a coping strategy for experiencing so much emotional abuse from a lot of narcissistic people who were in my life. The problem is now I'm really isolated and it feels absolutely terrible, overwhelming and frightening. I've been practising softening and building connections again but it's a challenge and it takes time to build a network. I'm scared of a lifetime of isolation.
I was just thinking the other day about how much I rely on my low-stakes daily gambling to escape depression, anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I have hope that one day soon my other interests and hobbies will become a more effective resource. Thank you for your videos; they're to the point and illuminating.
I played that game. It went to high stakes 😂
I can deal with the shame; it's the guilt and trauma that gets me😢
Same here. I'm really trying to get through it, but the should of, could of, would of, kills me. Also, I was traumatized by the situation. Just want you to know you're not alone ❤
My girlies have helped me, but my last remaining pup is 16 and in very ill health. And my husband said no more after she's gone, cos he cannot take the pain of losing them. I don't know what I'll do with no furry bundle of love. I have no human kids, so it's been very hard on me too. My Westie, Katie, was what's called a 'heart dog', we were so incredibly close. She died of lung cancer (had the tumor removed, another one grew) 2 weeks before her 13th birthday. I tell him if I can go on after my Katie baby then he should be able to cope. And I still think of her nearly every day.
Sorry--floodgate opened!
I can hear you great on this video Dr Scott👍 Your backdrop is neutral and totally appropriate in my opinion. I really like when your videos are just against a black wall as well with no bells, whistles etc etc! The fact that you speak at a slower pace than a lot of my US RUclips friends is a huge plus! And so important for anyone who’s dealing with depression, anxiety etc and wants to listen and absorb. I’ve had to unsubscribe from channels in the past because the creator speaks so fast it actually creates stress in me!🙄. I’m here for your knowledge, personal experience, professionalism and practical help. I think you’ve got it spot on already with the style of your videos 👍🇬🇧🇬🇧
This was a very helpful video, thank you :) Unrelated: every video when I hear "Dr Scott" I get the bit from Rocky Horror stuck in my head.
That was really wise and powerful speech!! Thanks a million!! ❤
Definitely have more than one thing that would fall under that category. And yes, it started early and there was no support.
A therapist has told me something like this too. I just never thought of it as the thing that I am most ashamed of. Why is it so hard to understand what I am most ashamed of?! 🤔
been through the regret phase; walked away abruptly from my “resources”; coming up on a sobriety length as long as my resource use was🥳.. replaced with a great job where i could shine and learn and now i have leaned into my past and realize it’s a pretty strong witness .. it was part of my journey.. this video, is brilliant…
I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for a certain not socially acceptable addiction. I’m on that breaking right now! Thanks and thanks again
Thanks Dr Scott!! Your awesome and so get us who suffer with these issues.
You're my new best friend!!!! Honestly, brother, you're saving my life from this downward spiral of chronic depression and constant numbness. I'm getting better daily thanks to you! There is a very special place in Heaven for you for you sharing your story and gifts with the world free of charge!!!❤❤❤❤❤
Love the background!
Your math analogies speak to me and help me understand those points where I run into a wall quite well.
One behavioral economics tidbit I always kept was the peak-end rule, wherein one's continued suffering all pales in comparison when a phase of real healing and growth follow.
My issue is i keep falling back to unsustainable resources. But this was the best truth for me
I had anorexia and bulimia from the age of 17. I was in my 40s before I no longer felt it defined me. I can see so clearly ,after watching your video, that I can let go of the shame I have carried for so long. I dread to think how I would have handled the pain of my unhappy life without my addiction and the sense of control it gave me . Thank you.
How do you stop seeing yourself as inferior for your addictive behaviors when the majority of people will always see you that way?
I definitely wouldn't have survived my childhood without turning to food addiction & self harm. But now that I'm 31 and all people see when they look at me is my size, not a person... I often wish I hadn't.
I wanted to die since I was 10. I've basically given up on any hope for ED recovery, because no one wants you to recover when you're fat. Literally no one cares. There are ZERO resources for sufferers in larger bodies; they're designed for smaller people. I'm I'm so tired of being worthless.
I grew up....welcoming and owning shame. That oft repetative phrase....."Shame On You."
As the years went on..... I believe that shame...has also kept me from repeating...whatever I had done....things....that didn't sit quite right....in my mind....as how to conduct oneself.
I recently had...another episode of shame...something I had done.... decades ago. I thought..."Why did you do that....how could you do that?" After reassessing...the 'not so nice' but certainly not criminal behavior I exhibited in my late teens...very early 20s....I immediately felt the need to forgive myself....but only after....I silently....apologized...in my mind....to the person I felt I had wronged ...or could have done better by.
If....I had known better....I might have done better...I certainly would've held myself to a higher standard.
And....onward....I march!!
🤔🤔🤔.....Challenging But It DOES Make Sense! Then I Found AA & Twelve-Step Recovery & Distress Tolerance (DBT!) Because I Never Gave Up Trying To Feel, Cope & Function Better & Do It In A HEALTHIER Way! I Never Will! I Like How You Described These Skills!
Thank you, Dr. Scott. You will never know how much help you actually offer to people like me. I guess because you've been there so you do not give those kind of well intentioned but cliche and too readily believed answers. Like to take a walk is going to help when you are at the bottom of the pit. And if one say I do not want to take that walk, the well meaning people in your life may they be your family or friends who have your best interests in heart, will think that I am not even making an effort to help myself. And it's kind of like it's my fault that I am still in the dump because I did not do what I have to do to help myself. When that happens to me, I feel like I need to distance myself and have some solitude time because their presence can make me feel even worse. For what I feel rightly or wrongly, what they are really saying is I am the one who is perpetuating my sadness or depression.
It makes me vary too when I try to help someone how far I can offer 'advice' especially when I haven't experienced what people experienced. And even if I have experienced it, there can still be a difference in severity and intensity.
The reality is one never can learn everything, especially what is really important in life in a textbook. Unfortunately, textbook seems to be the only available resources for how a lot of practicing pschychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists learn their trade. Experience in life and understanding can make a big difference in someone's ability to help.
As for loved ones or friends, one need to know that there is a difference between sympathy and empathy. Sometimes all a person can offer is sympathy which is 'nice' but not even able to help to scratch the surface as to relieve pain. Empathy is a gift. Sometimes all one need for the moment can be just for someone to hold their hand instead of so keen for seeking a solution which is very often not plain to see. Some wounds take a long time to heal. And changes take time. And mistakes are part of the course.
Another thing I observe is it is relatively easy to do all the digging part say with or without the help of a therapist, like going into childhood traumas and everything that have gone wrong in your life and all the darkness and shame come to light. But the real challenge comes, i.e. how to handle that pain and suffering that are brought out after all these revelations, self knowledge and awareness. For that pain and suffering can be very severe because we are not dealing with all the stuff that were buried for so long, or even in some ways, forgotten. And some therapists are just not equipped to deal with this aftermath.
Oh, and I really like the way you put it when you said about the hero turned into the villain. That is enlightening to me. And addiction could be actually that something that saved the day. For when there is addiction, pain is always present. That's what the addiction is for, to relieve pain, and yes for a high cost. I think when people realized that, one will not attribute such shame and judgement on people who are fighting addictions. Addictions are just coping tools. Understanding is the key. Pointing out the truth helps. But speak up and pointing out the truth is not the same as judgement. Sadly a lot of people do not realize the difference between the two. When people do not want to see or acknowledge their own flaws and then they see those flaws making a presence in another person's personality, the reaction to those flaws is the intensity of the emotions of judgement. It is they themselves and their flaws that they do not want to face and acknowledge. When one sees the pain behind addiction, one will not be judging.
Anyway in short, just to want to say a heartfelt thank you. Always look forward to your next video. The notification is always on.
And by the way, I do not have a problem with the room, camera or sound quality. Obviously there is always room for improvement. But as far as I am concerned, it is working well for the purpose. 😊 ❤
Articulated so well!!! Thank you... for being you, for persevering, for sharing your hard earned wisdom. You're amazing. 💕👍
@teresahaines4089
Thank you, Teresa. I actually feel very humble by your remark.
@@GraceRay-b9m ☺️ You really helped me with your comment. Ive been trying to "teach" my mom and sister some things about how they can help and the things that are not helpful, for years. The said they wanted to learn, but clearly they don't. It's not easy to look at your pain, etc. It takes so much courage to do this work. And I'm sad to have to set boundaries with them as I so wish they could be a soft place to fall. So thank you again. Just know you absolutely helped one person on their difficult journey (and like many more). Many blessings!! 💕☺️
Please, please give energy to the goal. This is such an important issue. And a way of thinking that I've never heard before. SO helpful!!! Content is critical. Background should be ignorable, never upstage you. This one is just fine.
Thanks so much for the empathy and validation for someone like me to stop blaming myself. Thanks a ton more for the applicable steps you outlined. God bless you Scott! Your being is the true image of Christ as an embodiment of love! Keep loving, keep living! Much gratitude and immense respect!
I honestly never looked at it this way 🤯
I can definitely relate to this one! I’m in recovery now but I went through it for a long long time. Drug and alcohol addiction.
Thanks Dr Scott this is such an honest video. There is a lot of moralising and denial in the recovery community which only adds to peoples distress. If things like drugs and alcohol really had NOTHING going for them in terms of pain relief and pleasure at least in short term then it would be simple to give them up. You have alleviated a lot of shame with your honesty and truth telling. Adding nuance and compassion to the problem of addiction. Thank you 🙏💗
Dear Dr. Eilers, I have a video production background, but how your set looks is not why I subscribe to your channel. I listen to you because of your insights, the honesty and vulnerability in your words. You are an unexpected, welcome GIFT in my life,, and I can't thank you enough for doing these videos. You could have a canvas drop cloth as a backdrop as far as I'm concerned. 😊😏
I think your background is great. Your audio sounds great! Love your work. 🤍🙏
I so appreciate you...not only do you help me with my mental health challenges, but you show me the growth of a quality content RUclips channel! Thanks, Dr. Scott...you are the real deal.❤🎉❤😊
I try!
I found this video to be an invaluable part of my drug recovery plan. It also helps me explain where I'm at to my mom, who is my greatest supporter. Thank you so much!
Mine was lying. I didn't feel safe being honest about the madness happening in my real life, so I survived by creating a fictional facade. I would get a dopamine hit every time I got away with a lie. It became an addiction until I was able to heal from the trauma. 😊
New to your channel. Love it, by the way.
Thank you for discussing this topic, shame. I was just thinking about this very thing earlier today. I'm still very much in the middle of distress, trauma and grieving. This is coming from the death of one parent with the other parent lost to dementia and closer rather than farther away from death. These deaths open up wounds of toxic, narcissistic emotional/verbal abuse that had long been scabbed over amongst the whole remaining family (kids/siblings) trying to deal with the fall-out (very dysfunctionally).
I'm no where near being out of it or putting it behind me. I'm being swallowed whole and drowning- completely under water. I have felt shame for the odd coping mechanisms that I use just to make it through each day.
Thanks to this video I now know it's okay to stop piling on myself the guilt, shame, and embarrassment that I feel for just trying to get by, for now, without harming myself or taking my own life (which I really don't want to do). Many times throughout the days I'm going through, I feel so desperate to stop the pain, I'll do (almost) ANYTHING for a little bit of non-suffering/peace.
I am isolated due to chronic illness and have few resources at this point, so I truly don't know how I'll get through this really long, dark season.
One thing I know now, thanks to this video, is that I can wipe "shame" off my already overwhelming list.
And that's really something.
Oh, and I do try to remember to celebrate the heck out of sitting up in bed and getting my teeth brushed AND flossed. That video has been a life saver too.
Many thanks again.
When you realize your hero is a liar and it was the only thing that kept you going, then there is simply no point going on when you finally realize the hero is the villain all along. He didn't save you. He just stringing you all along, And you let him because you thought it was your lifeline and you believed him because you believe what you want to believe. But maybe survival is overrated after all. There has to be something more in life to make it worth the struggle. What are you actually living for?
The mistake I make time and time again is that I mistook one act of kindness, which is just a simple Christian thing to do, basic human decency that's all as people actually want me around but that is just my blindness and pure desperation. Pity is not love. It is just degrading.
Your backdrop is nice and calming. But the camera is focused on it or on the microphone, and not on your face.
Amazing content!
You don't need to worry about the background. There are probably many people like myself who aren't watching you. They are listening as they do something else.
You’re absolutely extraordinary! I have no words do express (not that I have any idea any other way haha) and show the appreciation I have for your job.
I had an urge to bring you in other languages. You’d help a lot of people in Brazil. Spanish too.
You’re amazing.. again!
Congratulations and thank you thank you thank you thank you sooooiii much
I’ve told myself this several times before but seems like I needed to hear it from someone else. Thanks ❤