How To Respond When Someone With Dementia Constantly Asks To Go Home
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- Опубликовано: 30 июн 2024
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
In today’s video, I talk about ways to respond if your loved one is constantly asking to go home. Whether your loved one lives in a nursing home, lives with you, or still lives at home, this video will help you. It can be heartbreaking when your loved one constantly asks to go home and if your loved one with dementia is living with you, it’s hard not to take their requests personally.
This video shares how asking to go home often times has little to do with wanting to go to a different place and has more to do with discomfort, anxiety, and fear about their current surroundings. Because the brain has changed so much and memories fade, your loved one may have a hard time recognizing their current home and they might not recognize some of the people in their home. Find ways to respond to their question so that it does not add to your level of stress and it does not lead to arguments.
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare
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I lost my mother to complications due to Alzheimers in 2013. My brother and I cared for her in her home for the first 5 years of her diagnosis and then she was in a nursing home. When she was in her own home she didn't recognize it and asked to be driven to her mothers home (her mom had passed away in 1959). Mom would do this in the middle of the night (with a bag packed) and I would tell her that it was late and her mom was probably asleep but I could call her in the morning and drive her there. This was enough to convince her to go back to sleep but it did happen frequently. She also asked to come home from her nursing home which was a heartbreaker. I wish I had found your channel when I was taking care of her. I'm sure you're a wonderful resource for care givers. Thank you for your good advice!
It sounds like you did a wonderful job in caring for your mother. You handled that situation like a true Careblazer, even before Careblazers existed! Thank you for your kind words.
jesus man. im going through it with my mom now. it's very difficult and you're a great person for being there
Thank you for this video recently just placed my in a nursing for dementia patient it is so hard I see her every weekend I had to do it for my mental health and hers along of family members don’t agree with me which they were not going threw what I was going through so now they are mad at me. It’s been challenging but I know she will be safe there and get the care she needs
So glad I'm not the only one dealing with this. Thanks for your videos they're saving my sanity right now.
I helped take care of an elderly woman with probable mild dementia. She lived alone for many years before having to enter a nursing home. I visited her very often and almost every time she would ask me to take her home. I received all types of mixed advice over taking her back to visit her home was or wasn't a wise thing to do. Finally, one summer day I made a plan to take her home for a visit. We sat at her dining room table for some food I brought. She took a nap on her couch. All was peaceful & quiet. She then said she wanted to go back to the nursing home; this the antithesis of what I had been warned of..."she'll refuse to come back"! About 10 days afterwards she passed away peacefully. She needed to go back to realize a type of closure I believe. It was some unconscious sense of resolution that she was able to experience by returning. It was not the nightmare scenario I had been hearing for so long. I am glad I took her back home for that last visit. Careful not to deny someone to locate that experience and processing of reality.
I know your comment was over 2 years ago but it resonates with me as we just moved my mother in law with what I’d call “mid” dementia. She can still carry on a conversation got a little while before going sideways. We told her she was moving. She was excited bc we told her it was a place for her and her husband (who has been in a facility for a year) to be together … but the day of the move came and she acted fine and went right along. Come to find out she thought we were just dropping stuff off and she was going back home that night. We had to lie and tell her we needed her somewhere safe so her sons could “catch the visitors” that had been intruding every night. That was enough in the moment. I’m outnumbered w siblings who say “don’t let her go home” but I think we should let her go get a few things so she doesn’t feel so trapped. Others say she will settle down and it’s just a transition period. I’m torn .
I recently retired from a career as a nurse in Long Term Health Care.I found a large number of residents who always wanted to "go home" did not mean the home they left before coming to the facility or where they raised their children, etc. They wanted to "go home" to where they were raised, their parents home. I have always supposed that was because that was the place they always felt safe. Many residents will wake in the night frightened yelling out " MAMA MAMA!" I would calm them telling them " Mama is asleep right now. She has to be up early to fix our breakfast. She worked so hard today she is exhausted. We better let her sleep so she doesn't get sick" " then ask if I can get them something. As another poster stated " a little white lie" if it calms them is not a bad thing.
That's unironically terrifying
Shortly before my mom passed, I had a feeling she saw me as her mother and often looked confused when I treated her as my mom. She had lost her ability to speak by then :(
@@kimbeckner9240 If you resemble your Grandmother it is very possible she sees her Mother in you. I have had male patients think a daughter is their wife and women think a grandchild is one of their children or a sibling.
Many times it is just a matter of " getting into their world" for awhile. Reality orientation causes more confusion than help. Constantly being told they are wrong ends up with the dementia person no longer feeling safe speaking. So... they stop speaking.
Fascinating. Whenever I dream of my home, it's always the home I spent my childhood in, never the more recent houses. Similarly I've learned that people with dementia see their children most clearly at the younger ages. That is why my dad kept talking to me about being a baby or a toddler. He would actually ask if I remember crawling around, because he can remember that better than anything that has happened in later years. It's so depressing, I hate this.
This can be one of the most heart-wrenching and draining aspects for any caregiver. Thank you for sharing with us the underlying focus of what they really need at those moments (or rather, endless hours) of wanting to go home, or of going out to meet up with a loved one that has passed long ago.
I have found in my previous job caring for dementia clients the best thing to do is distract if they are super fixated, correcting them and telling them they are home only creates unneeded and unnecessary angst and agitation. So saying things like "well we can't go home yet because we have to...(insert small white lie) but it's really nice here don't you think (insert compliment about current surroundings) " if that doesn't work to change the subject then ask a question about what they did yesterday or the day before if they say they went to the store with their mom or anything like that don't correct them just listen to them and that will elicit a strong positive emotional attachment that might distract them enough Because I've noticed that the more of a good feeling they have talking about something the more likely the distraction will work. I know a lot of people even those in healthcare don't have the patience to handle dementia clients but I love dementia clients and I know this may sound selfish but I enjoy hearing their stories or just doing that one thing that makes them smile for the first time in years and sometimes those distractions that work turn into an enriching experience for me as well as a moment that the client has that may make them feel less anxious and Happy. I think dementia care is hard for some because I know while people say you shouldn't form emotional attachments to your clients and some families get upset about if you or the client forms emotional attachments but I think dementia clients are especially different because you need that emotional attachment so the client worries less ,the family can worry less, and you can enrich and make easier the client and their families lives. I know it sounds cliche but the knowledge that I have made a positive impact in someone's life is the biggest reward in healthcare.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, Laura!
Hi I have found giving dolls to dementia patients a great help to them or a bag with paper or things in they can put in and out, I aee family members take things away as it drives them mad in and out of nhs purses ect I find your videos great I used to work with people with dementia and alzimers xx
Bless your heart Laura Bryant. God has a spot in Heaven for you
Laura Bryant, thank you for that tip.
@Donald J Thank you, Donald. I'm 47 and my Mom is in a nursing home and its killing me. I try to write her letters but I just am stuck for words. She's at least an hour away and I have no car. I cant talk about it with anyone, but the comments on these videos are often better than the videos themselves. Thank you. I screenshot that and will keep it in my phone.
I can relate to this since my grandmother is in a skilled nursing facility at 97 she hates it there its so tough to tell her she cannot be home being she's the only one there(at her house) but her road getting into the hospital and nursing home was a tough one she had a urinary tract infection with high blood pressure and a unexplainable high heart rate.she refused to go till I found her laying on the floor I had to call 911. since entering the hospital she has fighted every step of the way with nurses, social workers, doctors, physical therapists and just worries about her house and still thinks she can take care of herself and pay her bills. she has lived in the same house since 1966 prior to her going in I had to clean out her house, paint the rooms and remove the clutter I had to rent a uhaul van just to remove tons of clothes and throw out tons of garbage and ill have to rent another and remove everything else soon. she was hoarding buying tons of QVC stuff she wouldn't even let me throw out boxes since she thinks someone would steal her packages if ordered. she was set to come home if she had a live in house care giver but they used a machine called a hoyer lift which lifts the patient to the toilet and out of bed and absolutely refused so now she is long term im going to get a guardianship soon. this video helps everytime I leave she gets agitated she wants to go home and I didn't know what to do one day I ended up having the social worker come to calm her down and this past Saturday I had to get a nurse to calm her down so I can leave its been a rough time
My grandmother just started asking to go home this week even though she lives at home with my grandfather. My dad and I assumed she meant her childhood home and was confused, but my grandfather said he thought it was metaphorical - I guess it turns out (as usual) he was right. Thanks for this and your channel as we try to get used to this new reality. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I wish she was physically sick instead of this, it is so hard to go through for her and us.
This has been so useful to me, my wife when she lived at home would constantly ask to go home and of course, I took her literally and tried to explain over and over that she was home. Unfortunately she is now living in a secure dementia home and she will constantly ask me to take her home, again I take her request literally and try to explain why she can't 'go home' (not as if she would recognise home any more). So, in a nutshell I have been getting it all wrong! My feelings of guilt for putting her in the home are profound but I cared for her as best as I could for 6 years, in the end I just couldn't do it anymore. I miss her so much, but I have to recognise that I am missing the 'old her' not necessarily the person that she has become. Very helpful video, thank you.
Thank you for your time and openness and honesty. My husband is in his third year I believe his final stage. IDK only guessing. His primary care doctor is VA. They are aware of his dementia diagnosis since the beginning. Though when we went to his appointments it was for updating his medicine very little conversation and the only changes that were needed left up to me. I was never advised of services that the VA provided to help with veterans. Help for caregivers. All the info was thru my own search. VA has a online site that is very helpful. But don’t wait till somebody like a human
I’m dealing with a similar situation. My husband has dementia caused by Parkinson’s disease. About one month ago I had to place him in a memory care unit after having cared for him at home for 8 years, the last 3 of which were very demanding. Just today I visited him and we had a joint crying session when he asked me if he could come home to at least see his home. I fell into the trap of trying to explain to him all the reasons why he is there.His dementia is not as severe as some Alzheimer’s patients but he is not thinking rationally anymore and there is the added fact of his very limited mobility. He is a big man and helping him move around without him falling is not easy, even with a walker. I’m constantly feeling guilty and heartbroken. I’ve even started some therapy for myself to help me deal with this situation.
So many people find themselves in this predicament these days. 😢😢😢
Forgive yourself if you still have guilt about your choice and focus on all that you did for her as best you could. God bless you 🙏
@@fleurdelis7914My heart breaks for you & the countless others in your situation 💔 Try to replace that guilt with thoughts of the joy you must bring him when you visit. Focus on how much you love him, not on what you can’t do for him. My prayers go out to you, sincerely 🙏
@@PaperclipProphets thank you for your kind words ❤️🙏
My granny is still living at her home, but she doesn't think our house is her house! We tell her that is she indeed at home, but she doesn't believe us! Thank you for this video! 😀
I hope it helps!
My grandma has been asking the same when she is home already.
My Grandma used to drive me CRAZY with this. I once asked her what home she wanted to go to (my grandfather had been career Army, so they moved a lot). The home she was longing for was the one where my grandparents had lived right after they got married. I got the feeling that what she was missing was the time rather than the place. I took care of her physical needs, but was not very well able to help with her emotional needs. It was such an unhappy time for both of us.
Soooo hard. I'm sorry to hear this. :(
we still reside in our own home and my wife who comes from the philippins wants to return to her birth home but is no longer there its only a memory and her family is gone has been here in states for 50 yrs
I feel the same way. I feel that I am failing my mom emotionally...😰
I (and my wife God bless her) recently moved in with my widowed mom, who has advanced dementia. More likely Alzheimer's but at this point, it seems irrelevant to split those hairs. It's bad and will get worse. This 'I need to go home' thing is painfully real to me right now. It used to happen during that 'sundowning' part of the day but now it's all day. Every day. And it's exhausting/infuriating. Redirecting as described in this clip is a great idea but my mom is strangely resistant to those efforts. As impaired as she is, she is still seemingly aware of efforts to 'handle' her. She'll stop and give me that look, followed with a sort of smirk and something like, "I know what you're trying to do' before diving back into her manic effort to pack for her trip 'home'. I'm sure a lot of you are dealing with someone who is that confounding. It feels hopeless at times. I'm all over the support groups, etc. A lot of people are stepping up to give me some relief/advice. But my mother has a lot of baggage that was present before her cognitive decline.
She had a bad childhood that left her with some very poor coping skills she carried into adulthood. Basically a narcissistic personality disorder - everything must be about her, ultimately. And NOTHING was ever her fault. Everyone else was picking on her - she wasn't being unreasonable or selfish. And she would defend that phantom moral high ground at all cost. The more you refused to let her off the hook the angrier she got, to the point where she'd start to cry, literally throwing a temper tantrum in order to make the 'inquisition' stop. That's how she coped with unpleasant things. By acting so childish that we didn't want to engage her.
If you came to her wanting to talk about a problem you were having, she'd show compassion but it was very limited because she was already gearing up to make the conversation about her, somehow. She just had to have an equal amount of attention at that moment - she could never let anyone have an entire moment about them; it HAD to eventually be about her. Literally, she'd say "Me, too" in response. Even if that something was a negative thing she was solely responsible for. For example, if I said, "Mom I have to be honest with you, I'm really hurt by what you just did", she volley back with , "I'm hurt, too". And it would just bring everything to a grinding halt.
Long side story I know, but a lot of you might recognize this in your loved one. And I think it's important to talk about this stuff. Share it with others if for no other reason than to let them know it's not just you.
So.....add dementia to this and you have quite a shit storm. Well-meaning counselors and 'experts' can't know how an already damaged person simply will not respond the way 'most' patients do. My mom retains enough of her dysfunctional younger self that she makes 'redirection' or distraction from her increasingly manic, nonsensical behavior ten times as challenging as what a 'typical' dementia patient might present. Anyone else facing that extra layer of frustration? Suggestions as to what success you had overcoming it are welcome. Hope all of you are finding some peace.
nitedriv
Thank you for doing that explaining; but sir, you are going through needles Pain. it's Hopeless to try to help-change her; put her in a Care Facility and get out! you've done enough; God doesn't expect you to waste your lives. (Or, be Stupid and a Martyr for ?what)!!!!
Thank you for sharing! Very insightful. Hope things have gotten better for you.
Hello, yes I hear you, I have a very similar situation with my mother, she was abandoned at birth and lived with her grandparents after failed fostercare. She carried this throughout her life and never got over the rejection. She is and always was very manipulative, and very childish at times, with exactly as you say, temper tantrums if she didnt get her way. Storming out, shouting etc at family events where a different opinion was expressed to hers. So now with dementia, this is accentuated and she is putting the guilt trip on me.....after a series of events, she obviously cannot stay home any longer, I could not cope with her at my house, so she is in a nursing home as of 10 days ago. Today she told me that if she has to stay here, she would kill herself. She also understands when I divert attention. Have things progressed with you? I would be happy for any tips that have worked, I note that you wrote this 1 year ago...I feel your pain.
I recently placed my mom in a memory care facility. She had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago and dealing with her has always been exhausting - topping this with moderate to severe dementia has made her extremely hard to deal with. I am her only living child and my husband and children don't want anything to do with her. Because coronavirus is going on, we can't visit and she doesn't have a phone. We gave her an iPad and she can FaceTime us. The staff helps her with this whenever she wants, but she is so angry with me that she doesn't contact me anymore. I phone a staff member every couple of days to check on her. Because of habit, I still am always thinking - "if I do this or that, how is my mom going to respond or what is she going to say". It has always been something negative or worse, she creates a scene. Of course, everyone does the typical "walking on eggshells" around her to keep her blow-ups at a minimum. I am relieved that I don't have to listen to her abuse all of the time, but this makes me feel guilty. I know she is where she has to be for her safety and my sanity, but I still feel bad for her that she is in a strange new environment and alone. Because of her personality issues, she won't come out of her room at the facility even though she is in an extremely nice place with great staff. I think dealing with parents who have dementia and personality disorders is a whole other realm of difficulty. I also cannot redirect my mom and the experienced staff at her facility has a hard time managing her. It's so sad that very difficult elderly people with dementia have already burned their bridges and most family members don't care about keeping relationships going. No matter how difficult they have been, because life has become so confusing for them, you still want them to feel comforted and loved. I think I know how you feel and I hope things are better for you. The dementia aspect is a fairly new situation for me as my mom's dementia worsened considerably while quarantining after coronavirus started, I wish you peace also and peace for our moms.
Thank you for perspective that resolves rather than inflames.
My mom lived to be 97. Most of her family & friends had passed. I felt she wanted to go Home (heaven) to reconnect with them. I hope & pray there was a glorious reunion!!
Thank you for this particular video; it never ever occurred to me my Husband could have fears or anxiety about his comfort on different levels. NOW, I have good advice to help him make it through all the times he's "missing" home. We still live in our same place, but he's often not aware of that fact, it seems. He doesn't recognize the looks of our house interior and frequently thinks he's institutionalized, (which hasn't been the case for over 49 years) and hallucinates. I do think you are right on about the possibility my Husband is missing some of the clear comforts that made him feel secure. Thank you, for not only this video topic, but also for all the others you've so generously given.
I have been caring for my dad with dementia for 10 months and can no longer handle him living in his home with him because its advancing so rapidly. i brought him to a nursing home last week. My dad with insists that he wants "die in my own bed like my father did". Its very disheartening. thank you for addressing this topic, i didnt realize this was a common symptom of thw disease. And thank you for helping us all with caregiver guilt. I Look forward to catching up on all your content. Peace
I did a video a while ago specifically on guilt about putting your loved one in a nursing home. I hope it can help you. Here's the link: ruclips.net/video/9DAdBE_ZhZw/видео.html
2misschambers I have been taking care of my husband for 4yrs. He is healthy other than the dementia (Thank God) If your Dad is in anyway physical , or threatening with you, you have no choice. You cannot take care of him if you are not 100 percent yourself, or if do not feel safe for you and him. It is nothing to be ashamed off.If you speak to some folks that are in your position some weight will be lifted. My heart goes out to you you are in my prayers in this time of crisis. 😷🇺🇸👍
Thank you! My mom lives at home - does this constantly, this is helpful!
Every video has information that is helpful.Thank you.
I am finding your videos extremely helpful! Thank you for addressing this important topic!
My late aunt, living in NJ would often ask me to drop her off at home…she meant the home she grew up in in Canada. At 93, she actually wanted to see her parents who had passed away many years earlier. We talked about lovely things she and I treasured and took her mind off of the actual request.
Thank you, this video helped a lot!!! I'm going to share this info with a very important individual in my life their family is going through the same situation.
My dad asks to go home. He's lived in this home for 57 years. We are home. :)
Redirecting was often a tool that I also used when my kids were little and they were having a meltdown. I had almost forgotten about that and how to do it effectively. Definitely going to try that. I'm am taking care of my dad who has dementia and your videos have given me so much insight and helpful information. Thank you!
Thank you so much for all your advice videos. You touched on every matter of questions and concerns I've had and some very helpful out of the box solutions. Thank you so much!!
Dr Natalie this is the second time I come back to this video .Thank you for your time and for this video.
So glad I found this channel. We just recently moved my mom to a care center in my town so I am seeing her every day . This channel has given me such assurance and tips to help mom. Thank you!
This video is very helpful. I can't wait to give your suggestions a try. Thank you
Going through this now with my 96 year old grandmother. Thanks for the tips.
The best information and advice for both the person who has dementia and the caregiver. Thank you so much for your dedication. I have shared your link with our local dementia group to help others. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks so much for the information & for pushing this video up in your queue!
You are welcome. I hope it helps you and your family, Nishita.
This has been so helpful and reassuring. Thank you
My LO says this each and every time I visit. Last time I replied with “ I know you don’t like living here (soft empathetic tone)”. LO then replied “Oh it’s not really that bad. It’s quite lovely really!”. Some days are diamonds! ❤ 😊
LOVE THAT! Thank you for sharing. 💖
Even though I’ve been working in senior living facilities for a bit, these videos are really helpful in giving specific solutions. Sometimes, it’s easy to know things in theory but not so much when these situations happen.
Thank you for this video, as it made me realise when my grandma said she wanted to go home but was already home that it was a feeling or that she was confused or frustrated with how she's feeling. Not that she didn't think she was actually at home..
These videos on youtube have been really helpful. I don't think I would've found better sources otherwise, but I am always talking with nurses and doctors. I basically learned much of this myself. When my elder parent gets confused/anxious I do the the things she liked doing like going for walk and getting into a conversation. Going to the park. It's like a few have said, you have to go in to their world, but it's not easy. it's the most difficult thing. You will experience what they go through, it's scary folks.
Thank you for answering this question. I was trying to explain and rationalize but it hasn't been working. I can now use some of these new ideas that I had not thought of. I call my mom daily at regular intervals throughout the day until I get there in the afternoon. First call at 8am she asks me who is coming to get her as she is ready to go home and last thing in the evening when I tuck her in bed she says that she doesn't want to sleep there. In between morning and evening she is asking to go home and rationale hasn't been working. I took her out yesterday and when I went by this morning for a morning coffee she wanted to go out with me and didn't remember she was out yesterday. She is not alone in wanting to go home in fact and going to the home daily I see, hear and try to comfort a few residents who also ask to go home which in a way helps me with my situation. It appears to be as you say a feeling of safety and comfort that only a person's own home can provide. Again, thank you for all the informative, helpful videos you are providing us in this difficult journey of seeing our loved sadness and need to go home. God bless you.
Thank u so much I really learned a lot . Both my parents have dementia and are in a nursing home together. Making the mistakes you discussed has led to many arguments they last 10-30 minutes and wear me out and cause me stress and anxiety. This video was wonderful thank u for helping .
I watched this video again because I needed a refresher course. My Mom is asking to go home to her parents. This video has given me some ideas of how to handle this problem tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for all your videos they have been a real help with understanding what my dad is now going through after he was diagnosed with vascular dementia four weeks ago. I wanted to ask can you do a video about how to travel on a long haul plane journey with someone who has moderate vascular dementia. Thanks
I'm learning so much from this young lady because my 97yr old home bound mom, asks the same question.
I am so happy to have found your channel!! Please do a video about how to deal with a loved one with dementia who talks to the tv. My grandpa talks to the tv everyday and sometimes he even gets up to check the door because he believes they’re coming to pick him up to do some important job. The only thing I can do is tell him that nobody is coming but of course he doesn’t understand anything I say. Thank you for helping people understand and deal with dementia. God bless you! 🖤
This series is excellent; your tips are easy to understand and to the point, with helpful examples. They are also good “refresher courses.”
I used to do nursing home social work.) Thank you!
Thank you for the insight, my mom had separation anxiety and I don't want to medicate her if other tools work. So far, so good
Yes, home can mean so many things. For my mother it's where she feels comfortable. My parents live in the home they have lived in for some 45+years, and raised the family in. I visit on weekends (same table, same cookware, even cook her old recipes etc.) Yet often after dinner, she expresses that she just wants to go home...this is the clue that she is done being social, and wants to retreat...so I say goodnight and head to my home!
You always have the very best ideas this is your gift to your audience.thank you.
Thank you! My sister lives in a different state ( her daughter is caregiver). My sister calls constantly about wanting to go home (back in my state). I wasn’t sure how to address this. Thankyou you helped me with this conversation. She lives in a senior trailer park in her own trailer. I support my niece with her decisions. I spent 3 months with my sister last year. Now we are talking assisted living.
Thank you for all of your videos, Natalie. Wanting to go "home" & repeated questions are wearing thin on me & my family. Being reminded that it's the disease & not intentional is so important.
I wanted to share something that is helping me & seems to be comforting to my mother-in-love...
When she asks or talks about going home (A LOT!), I try to stop whatever I'm doing, go face her & I tell her this is your room & furniture; this is your closet & clothes; this is your bathroom...And YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PACK & LEAVE.
It doesn't always work or last long, but phrasing it in a way that defends her & her property instead of trying to win an 'argument' (or showing that it's driving me bonkers) reminds me that it's the disease & seems to comfort her most of the time.
I admit, I'm not always successful on my part, but as the disease/symptoms progress, I'm far less stressed out by episodes. (Trying to get family on board with your videos)
Thanks again ~
Jackie (belle_south)
You are doing WONDERFUL, Jackie! It is such a difficult and often frustrating situation but you are handling it beautifully. I hope you continue to have the strength to continue your good work. Keep it up!
I feel that is very smart Jackie, my Darling Dad believed my wonderful Step Mum who looked after him like no other (I was on the other side of the world, courtesy of covid) was stealing all his money and selling his houses (they only had one, but he was under the illusion he still owned every house he had ever lived in), also that she was having affairs with 5 Men who she was bringing into the house to steal off him (she’s 83, he was 89). I feel that for our loved ones to know they have that something solid which no one is going to take away, is important, even if it does only last hours, a day, a week.
My Dad ‘went home’ a month ago, the only saving Grace I hold onto is, he is no longer confused and possibly in a pain he doesn’t know how to tell anyone about. Stay strong.
@@alliejones9864
Wow at the timing of your note to a comment made 3 yrs ago. I'm convinced that God's hand of comfort is in it. My mother-in-love (Mom) became ill w/pneumonia & was hospitalized just a few weeks ago. She was improving & the Dr planned to send her home just 2 days b4 she passed away on 9-11-2021. Her funeral was last Sat.
I'm so sorry for the pain you, your father & your family went through. RUclips won't allow me to read the whole thing (there's a "read more" option but it won't open).Your words are sweet to me & I'm strangely comforted knowing we were in it together. It didn't originate with my daughter, but she said, "Alz/dementia is a long, painful goodbye." Wherever it originated, it's the heartbreaking truth.
Mom had lived with us over a decade & I was her primary caregiver until the last few years when my husband had to takeover the things I wasn't strong enough to do. Mainly, getting her sitting up to put her in the lift so she could spend the day in her recliner vs. staying in bed.
I can relate to not being able to be there. I actually had Covid while she was in the hospital (for pneumonia, not Covid, until the end) & of all the hospital stays, this was the one I couldn't be with her for. The LORD helped me adjust my reasoning to appreciate that His ways are higher & they serve His purpose. He has swallowed the guilt I'm tempted to have of being thankful I couldn't be there bcz I was sick & has helped me adjust my perspective...
If I had not been sick & I would have been with her & her sons might have visited, but probably not have spent the time with her that they did. Since I couldn't, they & a few of her grandchildren really stepped up & into what was usually my role. I know it was hard bcz she was suffering (I was spared that) but being more involved helped them prepare for her death & accept it for what it was in the end... merciful.
She would have celebrated her 90th birthday in 2 months & I have no doubt, whatsoever, that she is with the LORD Jesus, reunited with many loved ones that preceded her, & free of pain & confusion. I have no doubt, whatsoever, that I will be with them one day, but grief still hurts.
Praying for you today. ~ Jackie
My mother is almost 92 years old. She has stage 4 Alzheimer's and has lived at home on her own for 29 years. My brother takes her out shopping every week and my sister takes her out for coffee once a week. Mother has now reached the stage where she just wants to stay in, be on her own and have nothing to do with family gatherings because she struggles to particulate in conversations. Home is the only comfort she has now in her world of confusion, repetition, deafness, incontinence and denial. Harsh, but true....
Thank you for your channel because this struggle is so common. It helps to read all the comments as well. God bless all Careblazers 🙏
Yes my darling mumma is 95 and often wants her mum or dad or to go home.
I've been caring for her in my home for almost 7 years now.
I'm really grateful for the info in this video.
Your calm manner is so helpful, thank you. I thought my MWD was accepting her LTC placement because of her seemingly happy demeanor but in the last few days she has started talking about 'when she goes back home' and this was hard to hear. So far I've just tried changing the subject but I'll have to try some of your tips to let her voice her emotions to me. I understand that the loss of control over her life has been very hard for her as she lived alone and was very independent for so long.
My Darling Dad who died a month ago wanted to go home….to the first home he knew with his parents, he remember the address, even though he didn’t recall his current one. Within 12 hours of my Dads death, I told him, if he wanted to go home to see his Dad, it was okay, he could just close his eyes and he was waiting for him. I told him we would look after each other whilst he was gone.
It was the hardest few sentences I have spoken, but a dementia life is no life at all. I miss him.
Wow, this was a huge issue with my Grandma and she just about drove me crazy with it. I did care for her in our home for her final years except for some short-term nursing home stays when her other health issues made it impossible to care for her at home. When she would sit in her bedroom and say, "I want to go home," I tried reminding her that she WAS home. But when I finally asked her where "home" was, it turned out that the home she was missing was the first home my grandparents had lived in after they were married. So it was not truly so much of a place as it was a happier and brighter time of life. Who would not long for a "home" like that? 😥
Love this, thank you for helping us all out.
Your tips are golden! I can't wait to put them into practice.
I can not THANK YOU enough, I have been going thru placing my mother in a memory care unit for the last 3 months. You will never know the police I have found in finding videos you have made of the very exact subject that I was dealing with at that particular time. Since I am an only child and dealing with mom on my own your specific assistance in numerous situations have been very beneficial. I am currently up to this subject... I want to go home!
I understand. Both my parents have dementia and I had to put them in a nursing home. It’s not easy they’re constantly asking to go home and it’s stressful but at least they’re safe .
Thank you for this video. The person I'm taking care of ask to go home daily.
Very Helpful...thank you so much for this!
Thank you so much Careblazers. Your videos are so helpful!
Hello careblazers. Am so happy to have found this group. Actually I had already started dealing with my mum's questions and needs b4 I found d group and am just so glad av been doing it right. I love taking care of my mum. She is like a 3yr old most times. My mum asks to go home like 50x a day. But we told her a white lie DT we have been repeating constantly and she is now believing it,so its down to about 10x a day now. Its not easy but I love her and I think its payback time.God bless our loved ones.
Invaluable information and techniques; thank you.
Thank you for these videos, they are fantastic.
Thank you so much for this. God continue to bless you xx
Very helpful read. Can relate to this and I will definitely try some of the tips.
Teepa Snow (OT dementia trainer on RUclips) says that 'wanting to go home' can mean they want to go back to their childhood home, as they are feeling like they are a younger person. She said that it can be a metaphor for 'I want to go back to my Old Life (before Dementia)'.
Thanks so much for your tips! Much appreciated.
I feel that I can do this because of you, and all the helpful commenters.
Thankyou dr for all the information you giving us. Sometimes I could not help wondering how are we going to co-op with everything in the future. Then I think by myself “well things are still going ok! So enjoy it”. Have a lovely afternoon✨🌿🕊✨🐍✨
Thanks 1,000,000 Dr. Natali! I recently started care at a retirement community in the dementia unit. This case comes up with every resident but since I really don't know the residents very personally, asking questions about their home seems so much more loving rather than trying to convince them that this is their new home.
I hope it helps you! Let me know how it works out.
This video is great! Thanks for the wonderful tips.What is the best way to handle when a loved one is asking about someone who has passed on for quite some time?
I find this particularly interesting because it alludes to carrying out a form of learning or creating new associations, something that we might presume to be fruitless. It will be very interesting to see if their capacity to learn remains, at least to some degree, in spite of the obvious interruptions in signal transmission within the brain.
I know a cop that should have listened to the lady that just wanted to go home. It brings a whole new meaning to me after watching this video. Thank you so much !
Love that!
Thank you, it is really insightful.
Thank you so much for this video. I am just starting to have to deal with this request and it has been very frustrating.
Sending you strength...such a hard request to hear :(
Wow, excellent advice! 😊
What wonderful information.
Later on in my care position with my client she started saying this often as well as asking for her parents ...I did not take it personally. I knew her well enough that she was just wanting for comfort. She had 5 kids in their 50's & 60's. When I did my best to tell her kids that she needed a day bed to nap on vs a small loveseat ...They ignored my request. Her naps were never consistent & she woke up often because she was too cramped. Often we would talk through her need to go 'home' and she would feel tired and want to nap. Because of her discomfort she would wake up repeatedly and stand straight up...Sometimes dizzy and try to help me in the kitchen...Full of anxiety and confusion. I so wish that the children of our clients would 'listen' vs needing to control the situation. A restful nap matters♥️🙏
Great video! Thank you. ❤
Thanks as this approach will help me whenever my husband talks about going home which he does many times.
This happened to my Mother who was living in her home. Even when we took her around the house and showed her pictures, furniture she had placed there she was convinced someone had just made it look like her home to fool her and that the people that actually lived in the house were going to come home and find her there and call the police. When we would tell others this story to others they would find it amusing but it was terrifying to my Mother because she believed it was the truth. If I really believed it I would be frightened too! I think your advice was good to tell her we will go in the morning so we told her anything to pacify her for the moment. I was brought up to never lie to my parents so it was hard but I believe it was the right thing to do under the circumstances.
Awesome advice
Thank you so much! My dad and I had to get quite creative just as I started to watch this video. I was ready to be creative. She was walking away down the road and we got her back in the car and I said I was going home with her. Then I suggested we get hot chocolate for the road. We parked, drank our hot chocolate then went into the library to look around and thankfully we were over the crisis for now. Whew!
Eye opening video. Thank you. I'm doing all of the wrong things. 😞 These tips are helpful for me going forward.
Thank you so much for this video. 🙏🏼
Thanks for what you do!
I recently had one of my sisters call me and wanted my answer on her taking mom on a ride by the house. I advised her that it was a bad idea and not to do it. Even the doctor has said not to do that ever. When we placed mom in assisted living we all agreed that we would not take her to the house. My sister said she is feeling guilty after a dream she had that mom was begging to go home and see the house. Mom is now going into stage 6, can barely walk . I don't want to pull the primary caregiver card to stop it her from doing this. I feel that mom would go on a rant and will get more angry because she can't go home. If she does it anyway, she is going to be responsible for the fall out that is going to happen.
I put my husband in a nursing home 2 weeks ago. I didn't see him until yesterday. He has been throwing himself down on the floor or whatever. He was doing that at home too. Anyway he hit his thinskined hand on the bed so it's bandaged. For over a week he's been saying someone beat him up and thst he's going to sue them fir a million dollars. Well I've said numerous things to him about that. Trying not to be too negative. But yesterday he said you meaning me don't believe in me anymore. I need to go see a lawyer. Then he ept saying he was going to go home with me. He said he wanted to sleep in his own bed . He wasn't sleeping at all and only in the chair a cat nap when he left. I have been dealing with his vascular dementia since 2011. The last year or 2 has been pretty bad. Couldn't leave him alone. Had a caregiver for a year while I worked. Suddenly he quit couldn't find any other. But it was time for him to go somewhere else. My daughter lives cross country from me but she's in touch all the time. I have her support and my friends at work can't believe that I kept him home as long as I did. Am having trouble with what to say about the lawyer and the going home . I'll try some of the things on the vidio. I just found them.
Janet Ewing Janet you are doing a wonderful job, the time comes for all of us when our loved one must go into care. You are not alone. The staff at your husbands nursing home are trained in how to deal with difficult behaviors. All you have to do is pluck up the courage to ask for their input tp help you solve this. Is good for your hubby and good for you. A win-win.
Amazing. I thought my wife was the only one that said that!
My 3 siblings and I moved our mom and dad to an AL in November due to my Father's cancer recurred and he was given a short time to live. As it turned out he only lived a couple of days after we got them together at the facility. He had been in the hospital for about a month before and needed full time nursing care but mom wanted to be with him. We found a facility that could give him the level of care he needed while allowing our mom to be with him. My mom has moderate dementia and none of us children are in a life situation to be able to care for her. She remains in the AL community. However, every phone call ends in tears as she talks the entire time about why none of her 4 children love her enough to take care of her in their home. Even though we call, visit etc many times to show her we do love her but we know we cannot provide the socialization and the memory activities as well as the physical needs she has to help with her dementia. The covid situation has prevented us from longer visits or taking her out for a few days to be with us during the holidays. We all understand she has lost our Father, her home, and her life all within about a month's time. It would be hard on anyone. But what do we say to her when all she does is talk about wanting to leave the AL (we did our research and she is in the top-rated facility in the area) and come home to live with one of us? It just isn't possible but she doesn't believe that she believes it is because we don't love her. I live out of state so I am unable to visit often but try to call frequently. Every phone call ends up with her in tears and me too. Unable to convince her we love her. How do you comfort someone from far away? Trying to redirect the conversation doesn't seem to work. How do you avoid the guilt?
Very good information. I work at a Senior Living Community.
Thank you for your comment! I was just trying to figure out which “home” my grandpa was talking about going back to & thought he meant his childhood home. My mom said he was probably referring to the house she was raised in but my instinct was that he was going back to his childhood not hers. I appreciate your insight 🙏
This is so hard my mum has dementia and terminal cancer so I can't cope at my home or hers the guilt I am feeling is killing me .thank-you for your videos they help a lot .
Helpful information.
Thankyou!
Learning more on your video thank you🥰
Thank you, this happens every day, especially in the evenings and my Mum is in her own home. We are connected through a doorway into our part of the house and I am in and out from early till her bedtime. She gets angry when we tell her that she has lived here for more then 42 years and we, more then 32. She remembers that and says" you always say that.." but she always forgets she is home. Also she mixes up home with work, she used to work at an aged care home! Then after she stopped, as she was not comfortable to give medications anymore, went in as a volunteer once a week for 7 years till she stopped driving.
Thanks that was very helpful.
thank you....my mother is HOME and on a daily basis she calls me or when I am there is constantly asking to go home...ITs so frustrating and I try every technique...I appreciate your videos immensly
Lyme Laineys Life Lyme My Mom too!
Sending you all the best!
Laineys Life it's not easy my mom used to pack up her belongings like she was waiting to leave. This went on for awhile. Then, slowly she accepted it and settled in. It was not easy believe me. Hang in there.
My mom did exactly what you said almost daily.
As disturbing as this is - I'm so sorry for you - it somehow helps. Thank you.
My 84 yr old mother has severe dementia and she is insufferable in her constant "I wanna go home" while she stands in the house she lived in for over ten years, she tries to make phone calls using the TV remote, she tries to call her parents who have been dead for over 50 years, she wanders around the house holding her pocketbook and saying over and over " I gotta get outta here, I wanna go home!!"...she says her husband of 60 yrs is not her husband, she does not recognize any of her children, she is obsessed with going back to the house she moved out of over ten years ago...she just cannot be told that she does not live there anymore, she thinks she can walk the ten miles back to the house....I'm afraid that one day my dad will get so fed up with her daily "I want to go home!!!" hours long episodes that he will have a heart attack and my mom will of course have no idea what to do in getting help and he will die while she still wanders around the house wanting to "go home"....she most definitely needs to be put in a nursing home for it's getting worse and worse.
I've been dealing with my wife for the last seven years without much practical information. Now I have found your site and wonder how I got through. Things should go better for me and the wife. I never thought her wanting to go home or calling for "Daddy's meant much but now I can try to allieviate her to me previously unrecognized fears. Thanks.
Very very helpful.