I have no idea where to find healthy people. Most of us are pretty messed up in one way or another. It’s just easier to be alone than to be with people who just eventually start chipping you down. I decided a few years ago that I was done taking breadcrumbs and abuse from people. Sadly that means having to find a new circle. I have yet to find that new circle.
The new circle won't be much of a circle... more like a pillar or two if you're lucky. Im hoping if I let my light shine bright enough I'll attract like minded people... however it also attract the broken as well, I have to know how to see and recognise the difference.
Wow. My older sister was the brown-noser, my older brother was the troublemaker, and I grasped on to stuffies, horse figurines, and books. To this day (I'm now 62) I don't think I've ever really had a "true" connection with a person. I just keep getting drawn to those who are emotionally unavailable, or who have similar past pain experiences. My pets have kept me alive all these years...
I have established a motive and intention of "becoming my own best friend" developing a relationship with life that allows me to feel safe and secure, without relying on people places and things to make me feel safe and secure. I have looked within to sort out my thoughts and patterns of behavior. I no longer try to control people, places and things in order that I feel safe. I seek to know my responses to life and build skills in order to take care of myself....
@@leong6720 i would like to talk to you, im tryna go through the same path, during childhood i never got to developed a sense of "safe place", and after so many years of trying to get myself attach to a place or person, it finally "clic" in me that I want to be that safe place for myself
Grieving has been the main motif of my life. And, I have not even started the recovery process. I feel so weary. So empty. For the first time in my life I feel my age--perhaps older than my age. I can not visualize/conceive of any kind of future. I have no identity that has not been found to be the false garb of a people-pleasing chameleon. All that is left-- that seems to truly belong to be is guilt, shame, and the remorse of knowing I can never redeem the time. My youth is gone. My health is compromised. I have disappointed everyone I have ever loved. And,I have been the greatest disappointment to the one person I could never quite learn to love, no matter what: myself. I wonder if I can hope to find peace at this late date. I just turned 57. Can someone offer me some consolation? Can someone tell me that it IS possible and worth the effort? Thank you Dr. Fletcher for the insights provided in your talk. When I was a girl I told my parents I did not know who I was. I used to play Neil Diamond's song, "'I Am,' I Said." I sang along, and sometimes sobbed.
I get fed up of hearing it's time to let go & move forward when no one actually tells me how. This amazing video explains what has to be done & how. I recognise myself in a lot of it & now understand where it comes from. It's also time for me to start letting go of old coping strategies that may have helped me back then but are no longer appropriate for me now. Thanks Tim for another wonderful video - i am learning so much.
So far people who admit they are not close to perfect and use themselves as an example of the healing path from rock bottom thru their truthful snd vulnerable journey of being authentically them. If I can't see honesty and vulnerability in others I steer clear now.
I recently went through 5 years of very expensive therapy. Only to find out that listening to Tim fletchers videos has helped me more. The previous therapy had me take responsibility and own every abuse that my narssitic father and brother and codependent mother put me through. He had me list find my blame for why my father brain screwed and beating and mothers lack of connection, then confess my part in the abuse dumped on me. This mis guided therapy I believe pushed me back into substance, physical, sexual dependency, all in the name of and under the guidance of the church it was affiliated with. This church was a prosperity gospel driven where $$ was the key to helping the very few leaders gain extreme financial gains. I realize now these people my parents brother and church use people in their pain to misdirect and define and misuse scripture to gain or use people. I thank God for Tim fletchers leadings. Thank you
Exactly. This is the type of rhetoric that is popular these days. People will do terrible things to you and then try to mind freak you by making you take blame for the actions of others. I'm sorry this happened to you. In therapy, none the less.♥️❤️🩹
Cptsd is awful. And still in the environment with these people. I am stuck in a sense. I need my own home again and away from this. I'm low on resources to get this at the moment. I don't think I want to continue doing nursing anymore. Something less stressful for awhile. Learn a new skill. I need therapy too. So, I will keep working on these things. I have got to let go of the shame and hurt. Tim has it spot on.
@@keariewashburn4680 providing care to others who are ill or injured has to be one of the most difficult & rewarding jobs ever but it can take a tremendous toll on the caregivers psyche. You are a hero! Helping & caring for others when they can’t help or take care of themselves but take time for yourself too. Some times you need to be your own nurse & caregiver. I wish you all the best! 🙏
I’ve been in therapy for decades, recovery for over a decade. This episode shook me!!!! You are gifted in the way you explain deep layered topics!!! Thank you!!!!!!!
❤ i must re watch this. Often. Its constant work. Its constant awareness & reflection. Its work to show up every damn day. To put in work - some days is minimal but still progress. Im learning Im coping. Im trying. Im healthy. Im letting go. Im hanging on. 2 years sober & just finding myself along the way. Bit by bit then other times i think what am i doing? World of difference from my day 1. Im relaxing & comfortable in my own skin. My own mind. My own selfness. My solitude & my relationships. I have a long way to go, and thats ok. Yes the grieving i relate to as well. Like i said, i need to re watch this often. Thank you for your insight & efforts of your channel. I so appreciate it. ❤
You have explained my childhood, finding the bottle, adulthood,and the struggle for connection though I just keep attracting the most diabolical mean narcissistic people. There has been alot of damage done. I acknowledge this. I truly need and want to heal. I want to be free. Daily I'm lashing out from a place of defense and it's keeping the good people out
This description of developmental behaviors in complex trauma, as well as the meaning of "letting go" within the process ( the grief involved), is a home run. Thank you for articulating the fallout from c-ptsd, and for emphasizing emotional issues often related to neglect, or otherwise toxic family systems and relationships.
This summed up the trajectory of my whole life. I found myself nodding my head every other minute. Just astounding how you were able to explain these adaptations! I developed many of these to survive. And yes, 30+ years later, reaching a pinnacle of discovery, finally able to see these are maladaptive. I can be discerning. I can stop and think. I didn't have to react just to survive. I can thrive. Thank you so much for this video. It is going to be my regular go-to as I continue to move forward.
Strive to be a great human BEING, not a human HAVING. We need to stop concerning ourselves with having the latest and most expensive/destructive things and refocus on just being. Let go of things and toxic people. Embrace experiences and good people. Thank you for your videos Tim!
Very good and thank you Tim. Very interesting that you mentioned IFS at the end, Richard Schwatrz has been a big component in my healing with his Parts work
1st - Thank you tim Fletcher for being here, on RUclips; I am grateful for you. 2nd - Wishing all who read this, a healthy, happy new year (I'm watching on 01JAN2025). 3rd - For me, the points being made, starting at 9:55, really resonated; I 'rewound' and listened again. 🦋
What you just said Tim is soo true but for me the realization is devastating because I have spent so long being something other than myself that I can’t relate to who I am. I don’t know who or what that is and there’s no healing when I’m forced to remain in a trauma situation. But someday I’m confident it will end & then I can begin to truly heal.
@@pinkiehunter8443 begin to see yourself in a new chapter of your life; see yourself achieving your aims and finding satisfaction, agency, and self regard! See it as clearly as you can; really imagine it as fully as possible, as if it’s already a reality…. You will make it real over time🎁
exactly. and not. what is forcing you to stay in a trauma situation? healing must begin whilst in one in order to begin to get out. and yes, it is devastating either way. once out, well, then what? more healing, more pain, more exploration, discovery, adventure, drama and devastation of finding out who I really am and what I really want without falling back into the same pain that is familiar? or I choose No, and I have to accept the recovery road of pain that is an alien pain .. that will lead me to a better, not bitter, version of me I've never met or allowed to shine through 😮
I am so happy to have found this incredible man he talks calmly and clearly which is so important for people that have gone through childhood trauma .. I felt I had to read everyone and fast . This helped later in life when I had to be the first responder on a scene in the middle of a city where someone is in a crisis , my empathy went straight to the patient and I would forget all my own fears and was able to focus on the other .
Outstanding understanding of the territory we each are navigating. And especially helpful and understanding how to navigate. My experiences as I let go of what is not me, what is left is who I truly am. And I am responsible for feeling for and finding who I truly am.😉
Wow, I am blown away, Tim. You are describing everything as if you are sitting across from me in a private therapy session. Everything seems to apply to me and it all makes sense. I have many maladaptations that I need to work on. It also means I can let go of my coping mechanisms and addictions that I have taken on as a result. At this point my abusive family just surprises me with money on a regular basis, it all feels quite transactional and based on their guilt. I accept it because I need the help, but there is no talk or conversation about anything, just the money, and I send a thank you note in the mail. So weird.
I can relate. I'm going through a divorce. I was a stay at home mom so this whole work force stuff is new to me. I could use the help. My mom offers help. I take it. But then I realized being the "savior" is part of the Triangle of Drama that my mom lives in. For her, it buys her access and permission to control me and then to victimize herself because I won't let her abuse me. I had to stop accepting help. I'm cutting the strings and learning to stand and think on my own. It's tough but the process has been so healing. Well wishes on your journey!
Many times healthy people do not want anyone who is healing and healing ones do not want toxic broken ones, so those who are healing have to find each others.
Yeh it's really tricky. For me, as long as someone has self-awareness and they're trying to heal, that's enough. It would be hypocritical/projected self-hatred to reject it, right 😂
Tim, I can't thank you enough for this. This was a great reinforcement after getting over the hump of the last several years. I wish you, your team and all who are here a very happy New Year!
17:10 at this point, the 'thing' that is responsible for me getting all my emotional needs met is my laptop. I surf the net all day, so much so that it is really starting to affect my eyes..
This was so good, Tim. As others have said, I already want to watch again and take notes. This information could easily be a course or group with weekly journal prompts, etc 🥰
Tim, thanks so much for all that you do to help others. Throng this platform, I am sure you must be making a difference in the lives of hundreds and hundreds of people!
As of lately I’ve realized my problem is my child hood trauma and fear of being loved then my partner leaving me because I’m not good enough or worthy. I struggle with self sabotage because it hurts less to mess everything up myself. It has been very hard on this road to healing. I do good for awhile and then I fall off. It doesn’t matter what good I get in my life because the underlying problem still lingers and comes out when triggered. Praying for myself and everyone else stuck on this roller coaster 🙏🏼
Lol😂 I so look forward to your opening comment..." Welcome to another Friday night" 😂 it really brings a sense of content and warmth Tim, even your voice is really soothing for my soul...also because you make more sense than any other coach on the internet!! Thank you so much!❤️😎
This is right on point for me. I feel somebody knows me better than I ever did !. so helpful . Thanks for this. A new level means a new devil... Love it! .. Subscribed.
Thank you so much Dr. Fletcher for this insightful and so helpful information about cptsd, so clarifying to me! and gives me a roadmap as I aim at becoming my healed self.
Never i even 'thought' i adapted, i just did not : it was life, it was 'being brainwashed' to please & go so far that my health is totally ruined. Gonna listen further now. it's not lies really... it's coping without realising it IS coping, u know? so nice when you start about being patient with ourselves. thank you for your sharing of help to all of us in need, from Belgium
This reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite books, Ishmael by Daniel Quinn: "They failed because you can't just stop being in a story: you have to have another story to be in."
My biggest concern is still looking for outside validation … until I can self validate then the need for external support can overwhelm my healing. Trust yourself first then seek others who also are trustworthy
Goddamit Tim! You are really good at this!😂 I have learned so much listening to you so thank you! I feel validated and feel that I am on the right path. 🙏😬🥰💜Not easy because it's hard work and ups and downs but I see a long time big change that will serve me and others for the rest of my life. 🙏💜
I tried everything (so I thought) and never maintained my sobriety...until Jesus. Once I started reading His word day and night the scales fell off! It's a literal road map for life. Who and what to stay away from, people/places/things. It taught me forgiveness, and for the 1st time, I was able to forgive myself, and I KNEW I was forgiven. It taught me about humidity and gave me gratitude. I understood love bc He IS LOVE! Everything g i told myself about love was wrong. Love is God and if you don't know Him you cannot know love. It rooted out resentments and transformed me. It literally gave me life because I was dead in my trespasses and sin. That thing Budda is saying we covet and hold onto...idolatry. anything we put before the King is going to hurt us. Putting Him 1st miraculously put all my other 1st 1st. Its 💯 something we can't do on our own. With Jesus you can be free. I'm utterly unworthy of the blessings and love and forgivness He gives me but He says otherwise. He died for me when I was His enemy. Who does that? If you want real healing and life turn to Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the life and no man gets to the Father but through Him. Shalom brothers and sisters. Peace and grace (KJV Bible given and started reading daily Jan 2019...been sober since after around 17 attempts on my own. Praise Him! Thank you Father)
Sounds like you have formed an attachment to religion, and much like Tim says, there are healthy and unhealthy ways for people to attach. It becomes unhealthy when it is extreme and overboard. I (and many other people) do not have as intense of a connection to Jesus as you do. Some do not have a connection to Jesus at all, and that is okay. It is overboard and extreme to insist that no one can know love unless they know Jesus. Spreading that kind of insistence that others have such an extreme, absolute view is not healthy for other people.
@winterroses2020 Romans 3:11 kjv “There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God.” Can't have that relationship or don't seek it? That's fine nobody sends us to hell besides ourselves. People lying, fornicating, coveting and living in adultry..that's a regular breaking of 4 of the 10 commandments. If you're guilty of breaking those where do you say you go heaven or hell? Or you're a good person? No no man is good but God. He died for you buddy already while you're hear making reasons to find resolution in anything but Him He died for us while we were His enemy. Anyway now that I know it's my job to warn people about the truck coming at you full speed. You need saving and He is the Savior. Clearly this is an apt scheduled you you long ago. That's how much He loves you. We don't send ourselves to hell, He is loving enough to let us chose/send ourself. He doesn't want to force anyone to eternity with Him. But there's only 2 places once we die heaven or hell. Which one will you choose? Nobody in these comments ts or in your reality will be standing with you on Judgment day and it will be torment never ending for eternity. I would hate to be there if you reject Him. Melissa, she could care less about you. Telling people this truth all the time isn't fun or easy but the alternative is too scary and I don't want anyone's blood on my hands. Truth is NOT subjective and it doesn't care about our feelings. Of course, our flesh doesn't want to live for the Lord, but the Spirit does. He is chasing you but for how long? Shalom
I appreciated your explanation of letting go. It's about discerning which bits we need and understanding our truth so we can set boundaries. I like pleasing people but no longer at my expense. Will I also be pleased or feel joy too. I'm in the equation now.
There's a direct correlation between the resourcefulness of a family (financial, emotional, spiritual) and how messed up one gets out of said family. Scarcity is in many forms nowadays. I believe it has always been.
Great video. For me its longer than3-6 months, its at least year when I see all this and am so tired. The differentiation is a big piece to learn when is that new equilibrium and that takes times and brings mistakes, but compassion is needed. Other thing is to realize that when I finaly get one thing and let go, there is another layer prepared for me and it seems like never ending and that brings frustration. I hope it gets better.
When I was really young and I was under a lot of stress I would all the sudden turn into a robot. It got so bad I did it from the podium at church because I so badly didn't want to be there and would cry about it ahead of time for days. When I would talk in public my mouth would start going numb and I was under so much anxiety on my face and it was absolutely horrifically terrible when I was about 12 or 13. To this day I cannot stand being inside of a doctor's office full of people because if my mother happens to be with me she will absolutely force me to talk so that the whole entire office hears what I say just to be rude because she knows I don't like it. I started dropping her off after walking her into the doctor's office and would leave and she could be in the waiting room by herself
Thank you Tim for your incredible service and wise words to all of us and thank you all for being here 🤗🤗🤗 I’m praying we all choose to let go of the things, habits and people God leads us to let go of and that we are blessed with new opportunities, habits and friendships with healthy people 🙏🙏🙏 I’m so grateful for Jesus helping me along every moment 💞🌅🙏🎶
Your description is spot on and make perfect sense. Then why do doctors want to match you with a diagnosis and give you pills? I lost pretty much all of my friends when I began to strive for health. I recently caught back up with them and they all have shut-down behind walls of acute defensiveness. There is no longer a place there for me, as criticism and rejection are not healthy interactions.
I hope people practice vipassana meditation it breaks co dependency patterns and detaches from all the toxic relations. You end up with memories without pain.
At 49 I found Tim and knew his program was what I needed. I hoped it would finally help me with childhood trauma which would save my marriage. I lost the marriage but the program has been everything I needed. Since I had done so much work on my past that part has been quick, but it’s the insight into trauma which helped me see my spouse was struggling with her own too. As a co-dependent I always took all the blame and the Lift program helped me separate my issues from hers. Yes there’s a cost, but not paying the course fee means paying for it the rest of your life. I can’t recommend it enough. You can heal, it takes work.
The way I look at it is that we've had a completely normal and natural reaction to how we were treated. I think it's crucial to normalise the reactions to abuse, if that makes sense. We're not a mess, we are human beings who were terribly abused. I'm not letting anyone shame me for the consequences of that anymore, and fully intend to heal as we all deserve to do.
@@davidwhitcher1972 How unfortunate it is that addiction is not viewed as a symptom of a bigger problem. Many people hardly stand a chance at healing because they are blamed for their use and other inherent problems associated with that. This short sightedness is of little help since attention is directed away from the true issue.
We will let go when people start gaining understanding of their own evil 👿 and wicked ways! Warn and expose the darkness, the Bible says. Stop your humanistic ways!
I came to this channel for the psychology advice from a Bible guided professional but I'm very disappointed to hear about buda's philosophies here, when he is an idol. I find very dangerous to mix Jesus with worldly idols ideas as satan loves to take the truth and mix it with some lies to confuse. I'm very jealous of my Lord, I guess not all that call themselves christians are as well. Sorry, I'm unsubscribing. 💔
This is a whole 10years worth of self work simplified in a single video. Tim you are an angel. Be blessed.❤
I have no idea where to find healthy people. Most of us are pretty messed up in one way or another. It’s just easier to be alone than to be with people who just eventually start chipping you down. I decided a few years ago that I was done taking breadcrumbs and abuse from people. Sadly that means having to find a new circle. I have yet to find that new circle.
@@HappyCat1111 I can relate
Same ❤
I'd settle for anyone who bothered to work as long and as hard and as smartly to heal as I have... but thats even more rare.
They are out there. Keep on keeping on!
The new circle won't be much of a circle... more like a pillar or two if you're lucky. Im hoping if I let my light shine bright enough I'll attract like minded people... however it also attract the broken as well, I have to know how to see and recognise the difference.
Wow. My older sister was the brown-noser, my older brother was the troublemaker, and I grasped on to stuffies, horse figurines, and books. To this day (I'm now 62) I don't think I've ever really had a "true" connection with a person. I just keep getting drawn to those who are emotionally unavailable, or who have similar past pain experiences. My pets have kept me alive all these years...
You are not alone in this....
The statement, “ people attach to me because they want something I have. There’s always a hidden agenda.” Really resonated with me!
I have established a motive and intention of "becoming my own best friend" developing a relationship with life that allows me to feel safe and secure, without relying on people places and things to make me feel safe and secure. I have looked within to sort out my thoughts and patterns of behavior. I no longer try to control people, places and things in order that I feel safe. I seek to know my responses to life and build skills in order to take care of myself....
I wish i was that far, good for you❤
@@janetklumper6048💜🙏🏽🤲🏽✨ mE too ~
@@leong6720 i would like to talk to you, im tryna go through the same path, during childhood i never got to developed a sense of "safe place", and after so many years of trying to get myself attach to a place or person, it finally "clic" in me that I want to be that safe place for myself
Recovery means a lot of grieving.
It may even mean a trip to hell.... be brave though.
Grieving is a good thing. Don’t I worry about it! It’s a positive
actually, the grieving lasted a long time and led to recovery
Respect 💞
Grieving has been the main motif of my life. And, I have not even started the recovery process. I feel so weary. So empty.
For the first time in my life I feel my age--perhaps older than my age. I can not visualize/conceive of any kind of future. I have no identity that has not been found to be the false garb of a people-pleasing chameleon.
All that is left-- that seems to truly belong to be is guilt, shame, and the remorse of knowing I can never redeem the time. My youth is gone. My health is compromised. I have disappointed everyone I have ever loved.
And,I have been the greatest disappointment to the one person I could never quite learn to love, no matter what: myself.
I wonder if I can hope to find peace at this late date. I just turned 57.
Can someone offer me some consolation? Can someone tell me that it IS possible and worth the effort?
Thank you Dr. Fletcher for the insights provided in your talk.
When I was a girl I told my parents I did not know who I was. I used to play Neil Diamond's song, "'I Am,' I Said." I sang along, and sometimes sobbed.
I get fed up of hearing it's time to let go & move forward when no one actually tells me how. This amazing video explains what has to be done & how. I recognise myself in a lot of it & now understand where it comes from. It's also time for me to start letting go of old coping strategies that may have helped me back then but are no longer appropriate for me now. Thanks Tim for another wonderful video - i am learning so much.
So far people who admit they are not close to perfect and use themselves as an example of the healing path from rock bottom thru their truthful snd vulnerable journey of being authentically them. If I can't see honesty and vulnerability in others I steer clear now.
I recently went through 5 years of very expensive therapy. Only to find out that listening to Tim fletchers videos has helped me more. The previous therapy had me take responsibility and own every abuse that my narssitic father and brother and codependent mother put me through. He had me list find my blame for why my father brain screwed and beating and mothers lack of connection, then confess my part in the abuse dumped on me. This mis guided therapy I believe pushed me back into substance, physical, sexual dependency, all in the name of and under the guidance of the church it was affiliated with. This church was a prosperity gospel driven where $$ was the key to helping the very few leaders gain extreme financial gains. I realize now these people my parents brother and church use people in their pain to misdirect and define and misuse scripture to gain or use people. I thank God for Tim fletchers leadings. Thank you
"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome." Hope Floats 😢
Exactly. This is the type of rhetoric that is popular these days. People will do terrible things to you and then try to mind freak you by making you take blame for the actions of others. I'm sorry this happened to you. In therapy, none the less.♥️❤️🩹
What a blessing! This channel needs way more exposure.
Cptsd is awful. And still in the environment with these people. I am stuck in a sense. I need my own home again and away from this. I'm low on resources to get this at the moment. I don't think I want to continue doing nursing anymore. Something less stressful for awhile. Learn a new skill. I need therapy too. So, I will keep working on these things. I have got to let go of the shame and hurt. Tim has it spot on.
@@keariewashburn4680 providing care to others who are ill or injured has to be one of the most difficult & rewarding jobs ever but it can take a tremendous toll on the caregivers psyche. You are a hero! Helping & caring for others when they can’t help or take care of themselves but take time for yourself too. Some times you need to be your own nurse & caregiver. I wish you all the best! 🙏
Training as a counselor? You have skills as well as maturity that will help you succeed! You’re stronger than you know 💔❤️🩹♥️
I’ve been in therapy for decades, recovery for over a decade. This episode shook me!!!! You are gifted in the way you explain deep layered topics!!! Thank you!!!!!!!
He is!!🙏🤗
❤ i must re watch this. Often. Its constant work. Its constant awareness & reflection. Its work to show up every damn day. To put in work - some days is minimal but still progress. Im learning Im coping. Im trying. Im healthy. Im letting go. Im hanging on. 2 years sober & just finding myself along the way. Bit by bit then other times i think what am i doing? World of difference from my day 1. Im relaxing & comfortable in my own skin. My own mind. My own selfness. My solitude & my relationships. I have a long way to go, and thats ok. Yes the grieving i relate to as well. Like i said, i need to re watch this often. Thank you for your insight & efforts of your channel. I so appreciate it. ❤
Sounds like you have already done amazing work and made serious progress. So well done! Sounds like you have wisdom already
💜🙏🏽🤲🏽✨
You have explained my childhood, finding the bottle, adulthood,and the struggle for connection though I just keep attracting the most diabolical mean narcissistic people. There has been alot of damage done. I acknowledge this. I truly need and want to heal. I want to be free. Daily I'm lashing out from a place of defense and it's keeping the good people out
This description of developmental behaviors in complex trauma, as well as the meaning of "letting go" within the process ( the grief involved), is a home run. Thank you for articulating the fallout from c-ptsd, and for emphasizing emotional issues often related to neglect, or otherwise toxic family systems and relationships.
It would be cool if you had a conversation with Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy) and also with Dr. Alok Kanojia (Healthy Gamer GG).
Those 3 are doing God's work!!!
This summed up the trajectory of my whole life. I found myself nodding my head every other minute. Just astounding how you were able to explain these adaptations! I developed many of these to survive. And yes, 30+ years later, reaching a pinnacle of discovery, finally able to see these are maladaptive. I can be discerning. I can stop and think. I didn't have to react just to survive. I can thrive. Thank you so much for this video. It is going to be my regular go-to as I continue to move forward.
Strive to be a great human BEING, not a human HAVING. We need to stop concerning ourselves with having the latest and most expensive/destructive things and refocus on just being. Let go of things and toxic people. Embrace experiences and good people. Thank you for your videos Tim!
Very good and thank you Tim. Very interesting that you mentioned IFS at the end, Richard Schwatrz has been a big component in my healing with his Parts work
1st - Thank you tim Fletcher for being here, on RUclips; I am grateful for you.
2nd - Wishing all who read this, a healthy, happy new year (I'm watching on 01JAN2025).
3rd - For me, the points being made, starting at 9:55, really resonated; I 'rewound' and listened again.
🦋
Mr. Fletcher…..your videos have been life changing for me!! Thank you 🙏🏽
What you just said Tim is soo true but for me the realization is devastating because I have spent so long being something other than myself that I can’t relate to who I am. I don’t know who or what that is and there’s no healing when I’m forced to remain in a trauma situation. But someday I’m confident it will end & then I can begin to truly heal.
@@pinkiehunter8443 me too 😔
@@pinkiehunter8443 begin to see yourself in a new chapter of your life; see yourself achieving your aims and finding satisfaction, agency, and self regard! See it as clearly as you can; really imagine it as fully as possible, as if it’s already a reality…. You will make it real over time🎁
exactly. and not exactly. what makes you forced to remain in a trauma situation that you cannot begin to heal? begin to heal?
exactly. and not. what is forcing you to stay in a trauma situation? healing must begin whilst in one in order to begin to get out. and yes, it is devastating either way. once out, well, then what? more healing, more pain, more exploration, discovery, adventure, drama and devastation of finding out who I really am and what I really want without falling back into the same pain that is familiar? or I choose No, and I have to accept the recovery road of pain that is an alien pain .. that will lead me to a better, not bitter, version of me I've never met or allowed to shine through 😮
@@pinkiehunter8443 bro. You are already healing just from this realisation you are having! You are on the right path. Simple as that!
Don't settle. Break the cycle. Rebel. We got this. Let's go!
I am so happy to have found this incredible man he talks calmly and clearly which is so important for people that have gone through childhood trauma .. I felt I had to read everyone and fast . This helped later in life when I had to be the first responder on a scene in the middle of a city where someone is in a crisis , my empathy went straight to the patient and I would forget all my own fears and was able to focus on the other .
Thanks! I love your approach. You really make it all so clear.
Very helpful! Thank you!
Outstanding understanding of the territory we each are navigating. And especially helpful and understanding how to navigate. My experiences as I let go of what is not me, what is left is who I truly am. And I am responsible for feeling for and finding who I truly am.😉
always learn much from your videos Tim, thank you!
Wow, I am blown away, Tim. You are describing everything as if you are sitting across from me in a private therapy session. Everything seems to apply to me and it all makes sense. I have many maladaptations that I need to work on. It also means I can let go of my coping mechanisms and addictions that I have taken on as a result. At this point my abusive family just surprises me with money on a regular basis, it all feels quite transactional and based on their guilt. I accept it because I need the help, but there is no talk or conversation about anything, just the money, and I send a thank you note in the mail. So weird.
I can relate. I'm going through a divorce. I was a stay at home mom so this whole work force stuff is new to me. I could use the help. My mom offers help. I take it. But then I realized being the "savior" is part of the Triangle of Drama that my mom lives in. For her, it buys her access and permission to control me and then to victimize herself because I won't let her abuse me. I had to stop accepting help. I'm cutting the strings and learning to stand and think on my own. It's tough but the process has been so healing. Well wishes on your journey!
Many times healthy people do not want anyone who is healing and healing ones do not want toxic broken ones, so those who are healing have to find each others.
Yeh it's really tricky. For me, as long as someone has self-awareness and they're trying to heal, that's enough. It would be hypocritical/projected self-hatred to reject it, right 😂
Tim, I can't thank you enough for this. This was a great reinforcement after getting over the hump of the last several years.
I wish you, your team and all who are here a very happy New Year!
17:10 at this point, the 'thing' that is responsible for me getting all my emotional needs met is my laptop. I surf the net all day, so much so that it is really starting to affect my eyes..
Me too but I am working on that. And doing the healing work. Good luck on your healing, don't give up.
You’re so kind and helpful. Thank you so very much for sharing these insights to healing from childhood trauma. God bless you.
This was so good, Tim. As others have said, I already want to watch again and take notes. This information could easily be a course or group with weekly journal prompts, etc 🥰
Tim, thanks so much for all that you do to help others. Throng this platform, I am sure you must be making a difference in the lives of hundreds and hundreds of people!
Whew! A lightbulb of understanding was activated. I understand the traumatized child within.
As of lately I’ve realized my problem is my child hood trauma and fear of being loved then my partner leaving me because I’m not good enough or worthy. I struggle with self sabotage because it hurts less to mess everything up myself. It has been very hard on this road to healing. I do good for awhile and then I fall off. It doesn’t matter what good I get in my life because the underlying problem still lingers and comes out when triggered. Praying for myself and everyone else stuck on this roller coaster 🙏🏼
Lol😂 I so look forward to your opening comment..." Welcome to another Friday night" 😂 it really brings a sense of content and warmth Tim, even your voice is really soothing for my soul...also because you make more sense than any other coach on the internet!! Thank you so much!❤️😎
Thank you ❤
Amazing concise video!!! You break it down succinctly and you gave me a game plan! Thanks, Tim!
This is right on point for me. I feel somebody knows me better than I ever did !. so helpful . Thanks for this. A new level means a new devil... Love it! .. Subscribed.
thankyou 🕊 ❤️ 🙏🌹
Thank you so much Dr. Fletcher for this insightful and so helpful information about cptsd, so clarifying to me! and gives me a roadmap as I aim at becoming my healed self.
Never i even 'thought' i adapted, i just did not : it was life, it was 'being brainwashed' to please & go so far that my health is totally ruined. Gonna listen further now. it's not lies really... it's coping without realising it IS coping, u know? so nice when you start about being patient with ourselves. thank you for your sharing of help to all of us in need, from Belgium
Great episode, as ever. Thank you! 🙏
This reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite books, Ishmael by Daniel Quinn: "They failed because you can't just stop being in a story: you have to have another story to be in."
Thank you so much. This was incredibly helpful for me.
Just beautiful explained, with clarity and love 💚 Thank you 🙏
Thanks Tim...you have been my unpaid therapist. God bless you.
Thank you!
My biggest concern is still looking for outside validation … until I can self validate then the need for external support can overwhelm my healing. Trust yourself first then seek others who also are trustworthy
Feelings are not based on facts…they are built on memories which in CPTSD were usually negative & unhealthy
Such great advice
Goddamit Tim! You are really good at this!😂 I have learned so much listening to you so thank you! I feel validated and feel that I am on the right path. 🙏😬🥰💜Not easy because it's hard work and ups and downs but I see a long time big change that will serve me and others for the rest of my life. 🙏💜
I tried everything (so I thought) and never maintained my sobriety...until Jesus. Once I started reading His word day and night the scales fell off! It's a literal road map for life. Who and what to stay away from, people/places/things. It taught me forgiveness, and for the 1st time, I was able to forgive myself, and I KNEW I was forgiven. It taught me about humidity and gave me gratitude. I understood love bc He IS LOVE! Everything g i told myself about love was wrong. Love is God and if you don't know Him you cannot know love. It rooted out resentments and transformed me. It literally gave me life because I was dead in my trespasses and sin. That thing Budda is saying we covet and hold onto...idolatry. anything we put before the King is going to hurt us. Putting Him 1st miraculously put all my other 1st 1st. Its 💯 something we can't do on our own. With Jesus you can be free. I'm utterly unworthy of the blessings and love and forgivness He gives me but He says otherwise. He died for me when I was His enemy. Who does that? If you want real healing and life turn to Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the life and no man gets to the Father but through Him. Shalom brothers and sisters. Peace and grace
(KJV Bible given and started reading daily Jan 2019...been sober since after around 17 attempts on my own. Praise Him! Thank you Father)
Sounds like you have formed an attachment to religion, and much like Tim says, there are healthy and unhealthy ways for people to attach. It becomes unhealthy when it is extreme and overboard. I (and many other people) do not have as intense of a connection to Jesus as you do. Some do not have a connection to Jesus at all, and that is okay. It is overboard and extreme to insist that no one can know love unless they know Jesus. Spreading that kind of insistence that others have such an extreme, absolute view is not healthy for other people.
@winterroses2020 Romans 3:11 kjv
“There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God.”
Can't have that relationship or don't seek it? That's fine nobody sends us to hell besides ourselves. People lying, fornicating, coveting and living in adultry..that's a regular breaking of 4 of the 10 commandments. If you're guilty of breaking those where do you say you go heaven or hell? Or you're a good person? No no man is good but God. He died for you buddy already while you're hear making reasons to find resolution in anything but Him
He died for us while we were His enemy. Anyway now that I know it's my job to warn people about the truck coming at you full speed. You need saving and He is the Savior. Clearly this is an apt scheduled you you long ago. That's how much He loves you. We don't send ourselves to hell, He is loving enough to let us chose/send ourself. He doesn't want to force anyone to eternity with Him. But there's only 2 places once we die heaven or hell. Which one will you choose? Nobody in these comments ts or in your reality will be standing with you on
Judgment day and it will be torment never ending for eternity. I would hate to be there if you reject Him. Melissa, she could care less about you. Telling people this truth all the time isn't fun or easy but the alternative is too scary and I don't want anyone's blood on my hands. Truth is NOT subjective and it doesn't care about our feelings. Of course, our flesh doesn't want to live for the Lord, but the Spirit does. He is chasing you but for how long?
Shalom
This was brilliant, thank you!❤
This was the best video of the topic so far from you 👏👏👏👏👏🙏🙏
Wow, this is a really thoughtful video. I'm here having a hard time getting through it! I feel overwhelmed. Seems like a lifetime of constant work 😢
Very helpful discussion! Thank you
I appreciate you ❤
I appreciated your explanation of letting go. It's about discerning which bits we need and understanding our truth so we can set boundaries. I like pleasing people but no longer at my expense. Will I also be pleased or feel joy too. I'm in the equation now.
Letting go let live it's hard sometimes
Good information, Sir. 🙂👍🍀
There's a direct correlation between the resourcefulness of a family (financial, emotional, spiritual) and how messed up one gets out of said family. Scarcity is in many forms nowadays. I believe it has always been.
Thank you Tim❤
Critical and Critic both inward and outward and it's destroying me and my relationships
Great video. For me its longer than3-6 months, its at least year when I see all this and am so tired. The differentiation is a big piece to learn when is that new equilibrium and that takes times and brings mistakes, but compassion is needed. Other thing is to realize that when I finaly get one thing and let go, there is another layer prepared for me and it seems like never ending and that brings frustration. I hope it gets better.
Thankyou for bringing that up.❤
I became what they wanted: invisible and easy. Well, it did not give me their attention and care either.
Wow😮
This
When I was really young and I was under a lot of stress I would all the sudden turn into a robot. It got so bad I did it from the podium at church because I so badly didn't want to be there and would cry about it ahead of time for days. When I would talk in public my mouth would start going numb and I was under so much anxiety on my face and it was absolutely horrifically terrible when I was about 12 or 13. To this day I cannot stand being inside of a doctor's office full of people because if my mother happens to be with me she will absolutely force me to talk so that the whole entire office hears what I say just to be rude because she knows I don't like it. I started dropping her off after walking her into the doctor's office and would leave and she could be in the waiting room by herself
I guess I deactivated my emotions like data from star trek
People who dissociate, have often "robotic" states.
Thank you Tim for your incredible service and wise words to all of us and thank you all for being here 🤗🤗🤗 I’m praying we all choose to let go of the things, habits and people God leads us to let go of and that we are blessed with new opportunities, habits and friendships with healthy people 🙏🙏🙏 I’m so grateful for Jesus helping me along every moment 💞🌅🙏🎶
Your description is spot on and make perfect sense. Then why do doctors want to match you with a diagnosis and give you pills? I lost pretty much all of my friends when I began to strive for health. I recently caught back up with them and they all have shut-down behind walls of acute defensiveness. There is no longer a place there for me, as criticism and rejection are not healthy interactions.
Thanks
Tim got a new mic
I hade some good parts and bad parts led me in crazy directions
Thanks very much
Thank God for Tim xx from a woman of God
I hope people practice vipassana meditation it breaks co dependency patterns and detaches from all the toxic relations. You end up with memories without pain.
Addictions provide serotonin😢
At 49 I found Tim and knew his program was what I needed. I hoped it would finally help me with childhood trauma which would save my marriage.
I lost the marriage but the program has been everything I needed. Since I had done so much work on my past that part has been quick, but it’s the insight into trauma which helped me see my spouse was struggling with her own too.
As a co-dependent I always took all the blame and the Lift program helped me separate my issues from hers.
Yes there’s a cost, but not paying the course fee means paying for it the rest of your life.
I can’t recommend it enough. You can heal, it takes work.
Oh my gosh.
Could you do a morr in depth video on the lieing as a trauma response please?
"There's a natural mystic blowing through the air"
I agree with that.
It got overworked
Do the next right thing.
Yes !!!
Why couldn't the Buddha vacuum in the corner??
Because he didn't have any attachments!
If you're seeking additional help there is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.
So we're all a mess! How do the perfect healthy people live? It seems that nobody escapes trauma.
The way I look at it is that we've had a completely normal and natural reaction to how we were treated. I think it's crucial to normalise the reactions to abuse, if that makes sense. We're not a mess, we are human beings who were terribly abused. I'm not letting anyone shame me for the consequences of that anymore, and fully intend to heal as we all deserve to do.
My limbic brain is taking its time catching up to the rest of me 😢
Let go and ler God.
Baby sreps
Change is stressful
Even good change
Now adapt the adaptations.
Is anyone from the calgary area?
Even the cops don't care about victims anymore.. A lot of them don't. They in survival mode or a narc..
That is how sad this world is becoming..
Addiction is a symptom.
@@davidwhitcher1972 How unfortunate it is that addiction is not viewed as a symptom of a bigger problem. Many people hardly stand a chance at healing because they are blamed for their use and other inherent problems associated with that. This short sightedness is of little help since attention is directed away from the true issue.
A.I Robot Wives! WOOOO!
What
@tysonpacheco1783
You haven't heard?
All of the unhealthy adaptations that do not work for us.
We will let go when people start gaining understanding of their own evil 👿 and wicked ways! Warn and expose the darkness, the
Bible says. Stop your humanistic ways!
I came to this channel for the psychology advice from a Bible guided professional but I'm very disappointed to hear about buda's philosophies here, when he is an idol. I find very dangerous to mix Jesus with worldly idols ideas as satan loves to take the truth and mix it with some lies to confuse. I'm very jealous of my Lord, I guess not all that call themselves christians are as well. Sorry, I'm unsubscribing. 💔
Survival mode is all I know. I live like hardcore Minecraft.