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Same. At 10 years old I consciously decided I would not have children because I saw clearly that it was nothing but a bother and a burden and an obstacle to enjoying life. I saw the world was overpopulated anyway so there was no reason to add to that.
I never had children either. My mother-in-law was a narcissist. She was always in my marriage. I wasn't going to let her hands on any child of mine. She would have tried to buy anyone off.
@@CM-sm2pk why does you husband allow that behavior? I'll be honest, I couldn't have married someone who came with that massive drawback. Don't know how you do it.
Yep. My dad said that I was an “albatross” around his neck and my mom used to say things like “I wish you were never born.” And when I told her that I didn’t choose to be born and didn’t get her pregnant, she would call me a b*tch. Some people are just too broken to procreate.
Yeah, my sister and I were reminded on occasion how we had interrupted our "mothers" promising sports career. This creates trauma of course and leads to Existential Guilt = guilt for merely existing and having needs. Thanks "mum / mom"..
I'm a 70 year old burden who doesn't know who I am, what my needs are or even my own likes. But I have started to put myself 1st. Started when I l made up my mind, I'm not afraid of you anymore. I don't care what you say, do act gaslight, threatened, lie, twist words or truth, events.
❤. At 68 I am finally making my mental health #1 priority, not my sister, my father, my adult sons. I am going to live my final years with self-respecting boundaries. It has been an adjustment for myself and my family members. Now I get the expression that “you teach other people how to treat you.” I didn’t buckle even when they were punishing me by giving me the silent and passive aggressive treatment and withholding my grandchildren. It has taken over a year but when they saw that I was serious things have gradually improved. I am still cautiously optimistic but I am able to enjoy time with my adult son and grandchildren again. Baby steps will get us there.
This is why I stopped doing favors for my narcissistic mother or caring about her opinion from a very young age (teenager). I realized very quickly that she will always be ungrateful and unsatisfied so why should I go out of my way to try and please her? Even when you do everything for them, they still see you as a burden. It is a waste of time and energy.
Right on, no kidding and why bother is right, omg in a world of velcro I was thrilled my son finally aced doing his laces! My daughter's a biologist and my son has his own business, works 2 jobs and is a licensed nurse, why wouldn't you be proud of a daughter who pulled that off? Good luck to anyone trying to raise them right in this day and age, it was never an easy task and good parents male it work, narc parents never give you the skinny, they don't want you to succeed in their eyes and blind to anything anyway! 😢
I grew up feeling so alone, unlovable, and just hungry for some kindness. This made me vulnerable later on for bad relationships, because I just wanted love and would put up with all kinds of mistreatment.
My mother said, “If we didn’t have so many kids, we wouldn’t have money problems.” I became suicidal and started drinking at age 11. Miraculously, quit drinking at age 20, graduated college with an engineering degree, became extremely self reliant. Was told I couldn’t ever come home, had to drop out of grad school because my sister needed my car, which forced me into the workforce early, unprepared, and desperate. Took first job offered which was in a small town (totally traumatic) & 50% lower salary than my peers and determined salary of all future jobs. Had several nervous breakdowns, developed autoimmune disease, but had to keep going because I couldn’t go home to heal. Existence was a living Hell of fatigue, pain and cognitive decline. Later discovered that my four siblings received tons of financial help from parents, weren’t cut off as I was, were allowed to live at home while pursuing doctorate degrees. Realized in my 50’s that I wasted my life pursuing my parents’ approval. They just didn’t love me and I later learned were actually jealous. Hence the lifelong sabotage every time I was happy and strong.
You're better than they are, that's all there is to it. The fact none of your siblings came to help shows volumes as well. Are you the eldest? All the best to you.
@@lordfreerealestate8302 Most people are a mistake resulting from sexual encounters. Men will get a woman pregnant just to get her family's money to get through college or professional school. Then, dump the first wife and children. Don't care at all.
Same. I was an honor student for many years (until I stopped trying) and all my awards were hidden in an old file cabinet. All their awards? Hanging all through the house. When I became of age they finally said, "oh here's your awards from when you were a kid" Went into the old file cabinet and handed it to me "Oh gee thanks."
@@OrlanduHolySwordsmanYikes!! I'm sorry that you were treated so horribly. I always excelled in school and brought home an excellent report card and my father sat across the table glaring with a contemptuous smirk and said, "You really think you're smart, don't you?"
And sabotage! --> at least for me she sabotaged me once she was made aware of my accomplishments she went on a mission to tarnish, destroy, and stop any more accomplishments even IF it hurts her too.
My family straight-up told me I was a burden. It's part of the scapegoating, no doubt. But at the same time, they refused to let me accept no-contact. If I'm such a miserable burden, then clearly you'll be better off without me? Honestly, scapegoats aren't burdens to toxic families. Toxic families are burdens to scapegoats. They use us up until we're empty and still ask for more.
Same here. I'm making a concerted effort to put myself first, for the first time in my life. I could literally have a full-time job (with no pay) helping others and they would not do the same for me. Using "no" or I just can't do that right now" is getting easier and easier. It is really freeing!
@@Richard-n2w1g This is the honest truth. I talk about my accomplishments, teen single mom who finished graduate degree in science before 30, and people are 😦 on how I got things done. I thought everyone did the most like me
I took my mother to the dr. An hour and half away, bought her lunch. On the way home ,my son called tell me he and his girlfriend had lost their pregnancy, he was devistated and so was i. As i hung up the phone,she ask what the call was about, i told her as i was crying. She crinkled her nose as though i was being ridiculous and said "why dont they take something to prevent that?" In a very irritated manner. Then proceed to bitch about everything imaginable. Never once mentioned my son or the miscarriage again, just so cruel!
I remember telling my mother about a boy who had committed suicide,a boy she had been awful to,All she said was " He always was a naughty boy" l could hardly believe my ears This poor child had had a really difficult life with a violent father and mother who allowed my violent ex husband bash him up
My feelings, my thoughts, my accomplishments were always minimized. Nothing I ever did was ever enough. I could never win and I still feel like I can never win.
Narcissists change the rules of their own games. They don't want to be the brightest star in the sky, they want to be the only star in the sky. Hopefully, you have healthier-minded people who care about you in your life now. Your feelings matter, your thoughts matter, your accomplishments matter, and YOU matter. Peace.
I remember how frustrated my mom got when my 4-5 year old niece said she was cold when we were outside. “What do you want?!” I remember how cold I was, a grown man with a jacket on, and my mom was bundled up under a blanket and jacket. I remember thinking that is exactly how she must’ve treated us as children when we were growing up. We got my little niece a blanket and warmed her up but just seeing how irritated she got when anything even slightly inconvenienced her was eye opening for me.
She couldn't stand seeing that your niece was being tended to in a proper way. Sounds like she was pathologically envious that the spotlight was on your niece instead of her.
My mother delighted in asking unanswerable questions, which I didn't realise till I had a child of my own, and saw that she'd never stopped. Example - to my son: "You just had to go and do that, didn't you?" Me: "How would you like my 18-month-old son to begin to answer that question?"
@@seonaidoriada1013 I don't think my mother got angry - anger requires energy. She told me (and, 30 years later, her new daughter-in-law) what a "grizzly" baby I was. She said I'd lie in my pram all day, grizzling. 🤦♀ No, I'm sure she didn't listen to herself. When my little brother and I got measles, chickenpox, whooping cough, she'd get a GP house call, then leave us in bed till we were well again. Perhaps she thought we'd bring ourselves up, with no effort from her.
"Being selfish" has been a really efficient way for me to weed out toxic people in my life. Nearly everyone else just thinks I'm taking care of my own needs like I ought to be doing anyway.
Mom made me feel like my mere existence was an intolerable burden. Niece told me that my sister gave her the same neglect & abuse. So it runs in families.
Very true, most of my life I've thought who the hell am I. Like an internal dialogue running all the time in the background, I could never work out how othe could just be themselves with no worries
My covert narcissist sibling was stunned when pushed, I stated, "If this is a choice between you and me, I choose me." Going total no familial contact was not my first choice. After firmly delineating my boundaries, the covert narcissist continued to violate them and fully expected to be forgiven. Sometimes I pity those left behind, struggling for recognition of actual self, mired in generational cycles of familial dysfunction.
They like to act stupid and say things like, oh, I din't think it would bother you so much, or, I only took a little bit, when you repeatedly told them, don't take my stuff without asking. Or, please don't feed my cat anything, she has her own food. And my sibling is a recycling hoarder and she lives with me. I have to discard of recycling stuff secretly, I cannot stand clutter, she cannot respect boundaries, and thinks she's doing everything good and I'm the problem. But aside from all that stuff she has always treated me like crap...I was ways trying so hard to please her, but I'm done, I truly don't even like to talk to her, most conversations are about her, and when I start to comment she says things like oh well, or just completely ingnores that I said anything, she literally has to know everything first, even if she doesn't she'll say, "I know".
I paid her way to Hawaii when we were in our 20's, what a bad mistake that was...she literally dragged me out of my bed, threw me in the shower and forced me to go out with her because the night before she met a guy and he asked if she would be there the following night. This was after a terrible 12 hr. bus ride to get to Vancouver, and then we had to stay in a cheap disgusting hotel in East Vancouver called the El Sid, we didn't know it was a blue movies and hooked hotel, absolutely gross. No sleep that night. Then, when we got to Hawaii we got very sunburned and still went out, and I was bagged just wanted to sleep.
Trying to settle my mother's estate she passed at 94. My dysfunctional airlines all bonded together against me still, have tried tossing me breadcrumbs of things from clearing out moms stuff. Junk, stuff they don't want, nor do I. So I've been quiet. Well they had to go to probate over the finances. That lawyer notifies all beneficiaries with the data. So I called that legal office and asked where is the listing of valuable objects ( nothing exciting) they've taken, distributed, but not bedn accountable for as trustees? So they asked me to write a letter. I sure did. I was clear that I had no sense of entitlement or greed to think I deserved more than my quarter, but here are the list of unaccounted things I wonder about. So no I don't have funds to hire my own lawyer to contest them, but I want accountability, and to stop the flow of junk my way. Dad was all about equality, mom the narc not so much. I share tompoint out it doesn't end at the parental death. Siblings of no contact rise up.
Whenever I had the audacity to vocalize my needs I was told that I was selfish. The favorite thing my mother liked to say when I stood my ground was, "you know, I love you but I don't like you." Then she would smirk at me. She made me feel invisible, unloved and unwanted. I still feel that way at 62. I'm just here.
Thank you for sharing. Your words summoned the deepest wounds from childhood that I feel have affected my life the most. Today, with big gratefulness and loads of grief, I know that none of those things were true. Not then, not now. Your comment made a difference to me. You made me feel seen. I wish you knowing you were and are more than visible, lovable and likable. (Selfish I hope you are). And it’s never too late, it’s just right in time.
It's one thing to suspect you're a burden. It's another to not only be told you're a burden, but my father would approach anyone I was talking to and ask, "is she bothering you"? They could be family or a stranger to him. He did this all through my till going no contact. Dropped him and his flying monkeys at the curb like yesterday's trash.
My sister and I remember a phrase our mother used to say to us. "You are bloody pests". Neither of us remember being told we were loved. Every request was viewed as unreasonable. I couldn't take a biscuit even if my parents were out, they saw it as stealing.
Bloody he'll, stealing biscuits, you reminded me of when we lived in Colditz. On the plus side, I was housekeeper for a lady who had 2 daughters by IVF, cost thousands and I wouldn't have wanted to be them, completely spoiled.
My narcissistic mother did the opposite. She constantly told me she loved me, and that itself was the gaslighting. "Love" was the reason she used to be abusive. Likewise with food, she made sure I had more than I wanted, so I was a very fat child -- she had me right where she wanted me, the eternal baby. I became an insulin-dependent diabetic at age 12 (in 1983) from all the weight and psychological stress. Suddenly I lost all the weight and was skinny, so she did the same thing and made sure we took professional photographs together as two skinny people, mother and son. Where your mother denied you to control you, mine usurped my childhood, my health, my identity, and my life, to keep me dependent on her and under her complete control. But it backfired, all it did was push me further and further away from her. I had to move far away to ensure she couldn't keep on breaking into my home while I was at work, discarding every one of my belongings that "she" wouldn't have chosen for me, and replacing them with similar items that "she" chose "for" me. It was all a total mess. Getting away was the only way I could heal.
@@monongahelacats It was taking an ice-cream without asking that got me thrown out of home at 16. My mother is now 96 and when I reminded her of that fact recently, she said "Even l had to ask your father if l wanted a sweet, the sweets were sent by his mother so they were HIS property". So being put out of home is still viewed as appropriate all these years later. They don't change.
This is why I am hyper independent. I also realized I’ve carried this into my adulthood and in the workplace. When I need help, I will try to figure it out on my own for hours because I don’t want to ask for help out of being a burden. I remember walking up to my mom for a hug as a kid and she would shove me away and use some excuse & say something like “move I’m tired. Move I’m busy. Move I’m watching tv. Move I’m not in the mood.”
Picking me up from band practice 2x a week, Mom would bitch to high heaven about the inconvenience. Had to drive 15 minutes to pick me up from school two days a week
Funny story to tell you. My mom complained over and over again about being scared sitting in the car (in the most wholesome rural town)waiting for me in the dark alone in the car after band events. Nice try. I did this for my son in a much bigger city. Scared of the other band parents waiting along with you? Yeah, they are absolutely terrifying! 😂 Part 2- I realized my grandparents lived on the other side of a large field across from the high school. On the same side by the door to the band room. She could’ve waited there and watched for the band bus. My mom had a key to my grandparents house. Ridiculous.
Yes that's when I decided taking the bus ANYWHERE was preferable to enduring the bitching and complaining. To this day, driving me anywhere (by my mom) is a great inconvenience and always "out if the way" -- but only for driving me ... certainly for no one else in the family.
My father explicitly ALWAYS said "children are always burdens to parents" and "you are always a burden on us", he said it with mean tone of voice and aggressive face always. He felt or thought it was a universal thing and it was alright to say so and we had no right to feel offended or upset, while inside my heart I always cried and felt so terrible thinking I was a burden while I was like a child-mother for even my parents. We their children were the burdens to our parents, by taking care of them even as kids, being punch bags for them for everything every emotional an psychological dirts they had. We were burdens because I and my brother and sister were the only ones earning good salaries since our 20s and onwards, and giving all of the earnings to parents and they decided how to spend it all, of course, too little of it on us, or not at all, saying "you have everything in this house, why would you need money or clothes, you have enough clothes" even when I was 25 and still at their home, serving them, cooking for them, cleaning, ironing their clothes, washing their clothes and dirts (all by myself, no help from them), being a psychotherapist to both old parents since my childhood, CONSTANTLY validating them their emotions and everything, and that validation was so exhausting at times, being their comfort-zone, accompanying them to the doctor, since even my teenage years, and doing extra research once home to see what else is good for their health condition, like doing EVERYTHIGN for both these narcissist self-centered parents since they were in their 40s and till now that they are in their 70s. The worst was that we the children had to walk on egg shells, parents got angry and outrages on almost everything, and we never knew what to do to be right, to be correct, to make them happy, in addition to validating them or doing the outside and inside chores. They always had clashes between themselves too and took their frustrations at us. Father demeaned my looks, our looks actually, our sense of clothing, our talking, education, freinds, colleagues and everything, and outside the house, we were his only source of show off to his friends and relatives. Things that THEY SHOULD have done for me for my siblings as kids, we did for them, we raised our spiteful angry parents. And still, them being the center of the whole universe, I and my siblings were a "burden" on them. They earned in their 50s, but just saved and saved for themselves and made me and my siblings work and give it all to them, plus our emotional and psychological and physical energy all to them. Now I am 43 and I lack energy for my own life, lack interest in me and any motive to be happy for me by myself. It was just as if we were born to parent these to self-centered adults, to be their psychotherapist, their money machine, their cleaners and cooks, everything and not being loved unconditionally. My father does not know what unconditional love is, even till now, his love or mere connection to his children is transactional. He clearly says, "that day that I did this for you, now you will do this and that for me" and I am like, regardless of what you did or did not, I WILL do it for you if I have time, because I am now that excessively empath person and I can't let an old man get disappointed and by the way I never ask him to do anything for me, 1st I do not need it, I have not needed it for a long time now, and 2nd I can't stand transactional love or bonding in family.
💗 But you can 🫷🏻 stop it. I don't know more but never is too late. I'm struggling with my health and I'm living with my parents. My mom doesn't talk to me. She doesn't like that I "bother her". I'm a burden for her. I feel very very stupid because I feel I messed up my life doing what she wanted me to. She's in her 70's , healthy but bitter. Me and my dad are the ones cleaning up the house, despite how I feel I don't like to be like as she behaves like a zombie without any good feelings, empathy towards me. I'm a bit younger than you. I appreciate more life and I'd wished to go back in time and make the decisions that would allow me to live a better present and future. Live your life, free yourself, you've given and now you deserve to live in happiness, etc. My English is not great. Warm regards from Mexico City, Mexico. 💗
Im a single parent. My kids are NEVER a burden to me. They are the best thing ever in my life. My parents on the other hand are definitely a burden. The endless errands and appointments. Drama and problems. Its endless. I have started saying no and they are shocked. They really can't believe it.
My mother's favourite phrase: "What did your last slave die of?" Receiving this response to my request for a glass of orange squash, aged four, I went to the bathroom for my step stool, got the glass, got the bottle of orange squash, climbed up to the kitchen sink and prepared the drink for myself. Feeling awesome at my achievement, I decided right then and there, that I would never ask anyone for anything, ever again. 💪😎
"I didn't really want kids. It's just what you did back then." Told to me in my late 30s. Took her that damn long to admit it but it FINALLY explained everything. I went no-contact a few years after that, and to this day, she tries to ruin my birthday by leaving me a voicemail, whining that she has no idea what she did ttp make me abandon her like I did.
I think our parents enjoyed my twin brother and I when we were very small, but after that, we were a burden. They received attention from others because we were twins, but once we were no longer "cute", we were a disappointing drag on them.
Growing up, I was taught to act like an adult and take responsibility for my parents' feelings. It was the only way I was able to get validation. The problem is that this trains the child to be codependent, to become dependent on external validation, and it stunts their emotional growth as well.
1 hour before my spinal surgery my mother told me “You’re such a burden, always was!” And all she did was drive me to hospital. Though I have tirelessly drove her to specialist appointments, doctor’s appointments, her friends home because she didn’t know the way, never got a thank you and I was ok with that right up to when she told me I was a burden, no contact was the only way for me.
Yes, I am finding almost no contact alleviates most of the pain from narcissistic siblings now that narcissist mother has passed, some 15 years ago. I thought things would be different ( normal, like a rubber band going back into shape) but my siblings just carried on the narcissitic crazyness. I finally gave completely up on any hope this past March. What's left are only lingering feelings that distance and time and almost no contact seem to be curing! I am delighted!!! I seldom think of them, and concentrate on my own children, families, grandchildren. Oh, the freedom. If I do think of them or their children I just say" Lord I gave them to you, you take care of them." Then I move on! So Freeing. Needed to do this A LONG TIME AGO. I turn 80 in May. About time, hey!!! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, I say to myself😅!!!
@@phyllischristensen9145 Congratulations! It’s never too late. You may want to listen “The Greatest Love Of All” by George Benson incredibly inspirational. Bless you on your journey 🙏
As a very little child I was constantly told I was selfish and spoiled and needed to be punished and taught a lesson. My dad just reiterated this view he has to me a couple years ago saying I needed to be punished and taught a lesson because I was so spoiled and selfish as a child. No, dad. My needs were never met and I was punished if I expressed what I now know as normal, developmental needs of a child, from emotional needs to physical needs. I was the oldest and expected and beat to be an adult since I can remember and take care of my siblings and household chores and even my parents' needs. Everything was about them and what I needed to do for them, and mindreading their wants and desires before they asked or else I was being selfish or rude or lazy. But if I cried or asked for something? The world was ending and I was treated like I asked them to chop off their own leg for me. They never should have been parents.
The main issue to me is that a relatively few years of neglect have a huge impact on an entire life. I personally took every possible step to overcome my fears and anxiety, even if there wasn't much knowledge of these dynamics when I was younger. But I'm still learning. I really feel robbed at times, despite doing my best to live a better life.
I think I will make a conscious choice to be a burden and to be selfish.. I do have a success story to say.. I live in a condo complex and some druggy wanted me to give him a ride somewhere on Friday.. On 2 occasions I said "NO." I know "NO" is a complete sentence but when he asked why I said "I don't want to."
Lol. Moved thousands of miles away and narcissistic mother tried to guilt me about 15 years ago with: “What are you going to do when I get old?” I flat out told her: “I’m not taking care of you.” She started with the incredulous “WHAT?” So I asked her if she plans on moving to where I lived. NO. Finished with “I’m not moving back to you so don’t mess it up with (golden child).” This still makes me laugh. Being the ‘forgotten middle child’ is a gift - you can forget I exist. Thank you and Good Bye.
Nothing like hearing from a parent "nobody helps around here or does anything for me" when you do many things and it's demanded and not appreciated. Snickering, rude remarks, being condescending, etc. I hate it honestly and I'm tired of "helping" when both of parents have willed themselves into the position or should I say situation. It's exhausting.
I got that from my father almost daily. He was embarrassed and burdened by my very existence. My mother had her own version of that. I ended up really hating both of them and completely cutting them off for years. Moved to another country to put geographic distance between us. Making me a cold, uncaring, ice hearted monster, according to my mother's will.
My father told me that if he knew what fatherhood entailed he never would’ve become one. The only reason he ever had children was because he thought that being childless was the reason he wasn’t taking seriously as a teacher. When really he was just bad at his job.
I recall in my 20s realizing that much of what my mother taught me as hard and fast rules of society were nothing of the sort, and were preventing me from growing up and taking care of my own needs. I had to try breaking rules selectively for a while to find out what were real rules and what the consequences of breaking them really were. Not obvious crimes, but stuff like less than full honesty regarding private matters. In a sense, I finally went through my teenage years as an adult.
I’ll watch this all later. This title really triggered me. When I was in high school in the 80s I was in honor classes, paged for a day at the state senator office, etc…. My big rah rah talk from my father was he expected me to get the heck out of his house when I turned 18 and graduated. Fooled him I did early graduation and left shortly afterwards for 7 years of active duty army. Could I have done things differently. Yes, but I didn’t have the guidance. And we didn’t have this wealth of knowledge from the internet. I personally think I would have been in the same type area, in a similar home no matter the path I took. And in a weird way I am great full for my struggles. It taught me how NOT to treat people. How to have empathy and to walk away if needed.
My car was stuck at the garage 1 1/4 hrs away, no bus, no taxi, last week, and when it was ready, I had to ask for a ride to town to pick it up. That was really really uncomfortable for me, having to ask for help. The main fear being that if no one offers, thats proof that I don't deserve help. I'm fiercely independent. I don't want to be indebted to anyone, I don't want to come across as helpless, nor do I want anyone to know that I don't have anyone here who cares enough about me to do this without question. I asked my closest neighbour, and her friend, that was a no, I almost went out my door to ask all my neighbours, but stopped myself. I had the possibility my boss would pick me up, and though I was desperate to get this sorted out, I waited for an answer from her. Thankfully, with a bit of begging, she agreed, and went way out of her way to ensure I had a car, so I could get to work and do my shifts. I missed a week of work because of this.
im sorry you had to beg your boss! i'm in a similar position - no family or friends close by, can't ask for help, in fact i've been harassed for years after being forced to move by my n brother who's basically a curse in my life. i need to move further away but that seems like an impossible task atm
I sure do get that. I'm disabled and live in a small town with no public transportation. I haven't had a way to get to a grocery store in 2.5 years. I've been surviving on chips and frozen pizza from the dollar store. (Delivery from a grocery store to my apartment building became available last week! Yay!) A couple of months ago, the sister of my ex-boyfriend (who passed away in December) asked me to go shopping with her. It was difficult for me, but I plodded through a couple of stores with her. I asked if I could stop at a grocery store. She agreed, but became frantic because I was took too long in the busy store with not enough cashiers on duty. She's not unlike her late brother in that regard. That just reaffirmed that it's better to go without than to ever ask anyone for anything.
Identify with this one. Was always a problem/expense/embarrassment/surplus to requirements/bad/evil/seriously unwanted. Eventually I came to believe in God, further down the line both parents died. DOBBY IS A FREE ELF!!! Thank You God for my FREEDOM!!!!
So true! I remember feeling this and boy did it hurt and lower my self esteem. I had my grandmother who did the nurturing and guiding. I am so very grateful for that.
We are a convenient blessing. Willful ignorance and perpetual betrayal of an innocent child is the inconvenient burden. They wanted to switch places with a child because developmentally, many abusers are just children in adult bodies who have chosen to be bullies while justifying their behavior by projecting their perceived inadequacies onto an actual child. About as sick as it gets to repeatedly sabotage a developing child and teach them they're a burden. 😡 Just remember you're a convenient blessing. Your needs are as important as anyone else's. You are worth every effort and always have been. ❤
I remember when I fell at school, skinned my knees and tore my pants. I was cut up pretty bad but my mother ONLY cared about the fact I tore my pants. “What did you do to your pants ????” No concerns for my wellbeing at all.
I took my Mother to the mall and I helped her look at something she liked. The sales person said to her, you have a wonderful Daughter. My Mom said, “ she’s alright.” This was hurtful cause I was always there throughout her hospital stays and her addiction problems.
Once, my sister and I spent the day with a couple of guys at the lake, suntan ing and water-skiing, well one guy could not stop complimenting me my sister looked pissed off, I wanted to tell him to give her some compliments as well, later in the evening we were offered a second beer I said no thank you it bothers my stomach...my sister then says, Yeah, it's because of all the exlax she used. So, you see how she would pu ish me even when I did nothing wrong. It was her way of trying to control me.
Oh boy. This reminds me of a conversation i had with my abusive, narcissistic mother. I asked her, on many occasions, why she even us in the first place. It was obvious ahe never wanted us or cared for us. We wwre such a fractured family and continue to be. I never got my answer, and she died alone, in a crappy one bedroom apartment. No family or friends. Part of me feels so sad that we couldn't come together and mend that. Another part knows ahe was never capable, and as a result, she reaped what she had sown.
Even at 48 they treat me like a burden. I live alone now, but even my past boyfriends could see their abuse. You explain this better than anyone. Thank you.😢
I always felt like a burden because my parents love money more than anything else. They would go on and on about how expensive it was to feed and clothe us, and send us to a private school (at which I was bullied and wouldn’t have minded going elsewhere), and how they couldn’t drive me anywhere because “gas is so expensive.” My hunger/fullness meter in my brain/body does not function correctly even now (in my 40s) because I was hungry so often as a child. I don’t feel full until I have eaten an unbelievable amount of food. And at the same time as complaining about the high cost of food, my mom refused to shop anywhere but the most expensive grocery store chain, because she just hated the experience of shopping at the other stores. I was constantly told how much my mom had given up in order to stay home with us kids, and I could tell she did not enjoy being a mom at all. I was actually shocked when I had my kids, because I love them so much and found them to be such incredible sources of joy for me. Because of my upbringing, I thought having kids was just a woman’s duty, and needed to be done no matter how crappy it was. I found out, sometime in my 30s, that my parents had been putting as much money as they could into savings accounts and investments throughout my childhood. They had saved so much that they are now able to take at least one tropical vacation every year, and retire early. But I couldn’t have a snack when I was hungry. It blows my mind.
8 yrs old my brother came into the world and mine changed. My mom wanted nothing to do with me. Told me to get away from her, stay away, go outside and don’t come back. Always a bother if I asked her for something. Called me blockhead, moron, idiot. Never went to any school events. Never took me anywhere. Always put me down. Paired that with being bullied at school I never got a break. Now as an adult she still denies doing all those things and I’m a home body because of all the times I was told to get out of the house now I never want to leave it. Buying Mother’s Day cards is hard because they are all filled with lies. Such as best mom ever or without you I wouldn’t be who I am. Where’s the cards that say you suck mom or let me know when I can be your son again mom.
My mother was nearly the opposite of yours, she was highly intrusive in my life and never allowed me privacy. So as a young adult, I got her a Mother's Day joke card that said, "Mother, whenever I needed you, you were there. (inside the card:) Even when I didn't need you, you were there." She just laughed and laughed. It took her a month to understand what it meant. By then it was too late because I hadn't lived at home for a few years and was on my own. It's a true story, and I hope you found it amusing because you're right -- it's almost impossible to get a sincere Mother's Day card for a narcissistic mother.
When I finally started to practice that, I started to lose all the dead weight around me. The uphill journey became lighter, I began to feel free to be me.
I didn’t feel like I was a burden...it was a fact. On a good day, I was told, “I wish you were never born.” On a bad day, things got a whole lot more descriptive.
"If it wasn't for you, we could have gotten an annulment and I could have been happy." Both parents told me this behind each other's backs. I was the only kid they were able to have.
My older sister told me a few years ago that she had experienced me as a burden most of my life. I am sure I was annoying and was sensitive and emotional comparatively, but I don't think I have been an unusually hard person. But I was told I was needy. I learned the "fawning" response. I remember her telling me she wanted a glass of water and me scurrying off to get her one. My parents didn't say those words, but I think she got that from them. I've gone around trying to be the least possible burden to everyone, taking up the least space in a relationship that I can.
I’m currently stuck at home with a cold. Today I noticed once again how stressful interactions with other people feel when I’m sick. Even just calling in sick at work. I called off an appointment with my cleaning help, and a couple other people offered help if I needed, but all I wanted to do was just curl up and be left alone until I get better. Yet at the same time, I do wish someone was there for me when I feel bad in any way… Back when I still lived with my parents, if another family member was sick or had problems, my narc mum used to react as if we were faking or exaggerating, belittle our troubles, and complain that *we* made *her* sick. Thanks for nothing.
Thank you, Jerry. Just last night I came across a diary from when I was thirteen, and described how I felt I was a burden to my parents, and how I wanted to commit suicide or simply die. I couldn’t believe I had documented this so long ago (I’m in my 40s now). I will be selfish this week! 💛
I never felt like a burden but I always thought I was a painful reminder of the past. But now that I've learned my mom is a narcissist, everything makes sense now
Yes, that’s what my coverted narcissistic mother makes me feel all the time, even though, she is the burden of my entire life. Recently she cut me off, because I challenged her. Lucky break!
My mother always acted as if I was a pain in the ass and treated me like everything I ever did was wrong. As I grew up I tried to spend as much time away from my parents that I could to avoid their constant dissatisfaction with me.
One of the most common phrases that often came out of my mother's mouth was "What will people think if........." As an adult I told her that I don't care what people think. Her response to that can best be described as Surprised Pikachu face.
My mom was the covert narc, and my dad explained once, that because I was unplanned , I kept her from her ideal life as a librarian, plus her mother didn't want her marriage to my dad, and thought I was the reason they got married ( I wasn't)..my mom never ever was on my side nor a source of empathy or love. When she hot pregnant 7 years later with the golden child, I was told ( indirectly) that since I was s "spoiled only child " would be a danger to her son when he wasborn. So, she loved and cared for him as a baby, keeping me away, but by the time he was walking, I became the babysitter with no authority authority. He learned if he attacked me and I pushed him away, at his cries mom would come storming in to beat me!
My father would “joke” that he should charge me for food as a child …my mother would rage at me if I ate food from the refrigerator that she said needed for rest of the family …I babysat my siblings for free paid rent to live in the house with part times as I tried to get through college ..I have 100 fold paid then back for anything they gave me ..I am painted as the scapegoat horrible daughter and truly it is tough to realize parents you sacrificed so much for could not care less about you ..that I was an accident was said repeatedly and in public to people when my mom was pregnant with my siblings …instead of being happy for any positive things in my life my parents would tear me down and minimize me …thank you for your work …it is helpful to know I’m not alone in this
My whole life my dad told me that I am a burden and my mother and sister would not disagree with him. Thats why I always felt like that towards others and had a hard time connecting with others.
I was a Stockman for about 300 mother cows and about 30 of those were first calf mamas, heifers for a number of years. And when that first calf, mama had difficulties with that birth, she stood up and walked away, and we had to coop them together and force the mother to accept the calf. I was fourth born to 19to20 year-old mother. I was 3 1/2 hours after my twin sister. The fourth child of an already unwanted third pregnancy. Of course I was an inconvenience. Took me to age 59 to realize that they did not like me. Eight years ago. But I'm glad I had my revelation. Yeah, they had the money and the time to attend my graduation from Chiropractic college but didn't. Then talk about how I became arrogant because of that diploma that I earned that they call, "piece of paper"
I gave up my dream to be there for my parents. My sisters encouraged this and acted like they missed me. It was a lie and a trap. Now, I try to be as selfish as I can. Unfortunately, I still try to do nice things( my time, money and energy) which is minimized as soon as they have pigged down a lovely meal or benefited from my experience. So, I have to remind myself that I will only be insulted for my efforts.
I ruined my mother’s body when she gave birth to me,and was a burden from then onwards.Until she split from my father,until her next relationship,when I became a burden again.This happened two times more.She died in an abusive relationship and we were estranged.Her abusive partner was a narcissist also.I tried to rescue her from this relationship to rescue her several times but she was being manipulated and gaslit.When she died she needs me once again,but I couldn’t help her because I’d finished with being that burden to her,to everyone else and to myself. I am 70 years old.
My father said something SO inappropriate to me, I punched him in the face with a right hook. Weirdly, he was impressed. I never called him "dad" again, using his given name instead, but I have to say, we had a GREAT relationship after that . If he started any BS, all I had to do was look at him, and he'd laugh and didn't go there.. I don't recommend violence, but that punch certainly worked for me, and I had healthy boundaries from then on.
I dealt with unempathic attitude often. I felt like an overwhelming burden if I need something from someone to NEVER ask anyone for help. If I do need something, I remember it was like the end of the world to them. My needs never feel met by anyone and I feel small everywhere I go. I always see others get their needs met and I never do. I hate it. I hate how I feel/felt. I have no one to meet my needs anyway.
My teen mom made me the family Scapegoat for ruining her life. At 35 i found out i had an older brother who was adopted by the CEO of SEARS.. She lied.
Hello healing friends! Jerry, you are so spot on! I’m the “scapegoat/ truth teller” and writing about my childhood and my journey to healing. My story is a bit unique in that I am a genius (by IQ) and high masking autistic in addition to having survived countless attempts on my life by my “parents.” From near drowning to abandoned while sick (she hoped I would die) to dad leaving multiple loaded guns within reach of small children (yes I was shot) stabbed. Electrocuted and nearly burned alive. But guess what? I didn’t die! And now I get to tell the world and reveal the atrocities of my parents, a nurse and a teacher who was also an MFCC of all things. Anyway I’m rambling- just so grateful for your help and support.
My narc dad tends to drive across my front yard,. For 12 years I've told him not to. Thursday, he did it again. I sent a message, Stop driving across my yard. His wife told me I'm being touchy He swore at me.
My narcissism.mother always vented her rages on me, then she hit me against.my head. I read recently that head injury causes Alzheimer's syndrome. I just hope and pray I do not get the disease.
The sad part about becoming a mini child is, you cant help it. Once you realize that you've grown up too fast and that you were expected to be emotional support for a bunch of people that sabatoged you you're whole life, you almost have to become a mini child to survive you as you were raised to believe that being a selfish child was wrong.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Same. At 10 years old I consciously decided I would not have children because I saw clearly that it was nothing but a bother and a burden and an obstacle to enjoying life. I saw the world was overpopulated anyway so there was no reason to add to that.
This is exactly me to a t
Dear Sir, I am SO very grateful I found your channel. Just in listening today. So much clarity and weight lifted. Highly grateful 🙏🏼 😊
People wonder why I didn't have kids, lol. Because my mother did not make motherhood seem worthwhile or rewarding, at all.
I never had children either. My mother-in-law was a narcissist. She was always in my marriage. I wasn't going to let her hands on any child of mine. She would have tried to buy anyone off.
@@CM-sm2pk why does you husband allow that behavior?
I'll be honest, I couldn't have married someone who came with that massive drawback. Don't know how you do it.
Strong agree STRONG AGREE!!!!!
I tell people don’t have kids until they’re ready and this is what I mean. Kids know when they’re unwanted; I sure did.
Same here
Same here, but I'm very sad about it now.
Felt like a burden because they would literally tell all us kids we were a burden 😅 “if it wasn’t for you kids, we’d have…”
So true! “After all we’ve sacrificed for you! Blah blah blah.” 😑
Yep. My dad said that I was an “albatross” around his neck and my mom used to say things like “I wish you were never born.” And when I told her that I didn’t choose to be born and didn’t get her pregnant, she would call me a b*tch. Some people are just too broken to procreate.
Sames
Yeah, my sister and I were reminded on occasion how we had interrupted our "mothers" promising sports career. This creates trauma of course and leads to Existential Guilt = guilt for merely existing and having needs. Thanks "mum / mom"..
The burden blaming......mine said she didn't get enough to eat because of us. Why was she 300lbs if she was starving?
I relieved them of the burden they thought I was....and vanished 20 years ago....without any regrets
“If a child needs to be a mini-adult, when they become an adult they’ll be a mini-child.”Definitely explains me. I appreciate these exercises.
I'm a 70 year old burden who doesn't know who I am, what my needs are or even my own likes. But I have started to put myself 1st. Started when I l made up my mind, I'm not afraid of you anymore. I don't care what you say, do act gaslight, threatened, lie, twist words or truth, events.
❤️
Wow! You are an inspiration ❤
Thank you for having the courage to say this
Lord Jesus bless you ❤
❤. At 68 I am finally making my mental health #1 priority, not my sister, my father, my adult sons. I am going to live my final years with self-respecting boundaries. It has been an adjustment for myself and my family members. Now I get the expression that “you teach other people how to treat you.” I didn’t buckle even when they were punishing me by giving me the silent and passive aggressive treatment and withholding my grandchildren. It has taken over a year but when they saw that I was serious things have gradually improved. I am still cautiously optimistic but I am able to enjoy time with my adult son and grandchildren again. Baby steps will get us there.
This is why I stopped doing favors for my narcissistic mother or caring about her opinion from a very young age (teenager). I realized very quickly that she will always be ungrateful and unsatisfied so why should I go out of my way to try and please her? Even when you do everything for them, they still see you as a burden. It is a waste of time and energy.
Right on, no kidding and why bother is right, omg in a world of velcro I was thrilled my son finally aced doing his laces! My daughter's a biologist and my son has his own business, works 2 jobs and is a licensed nurse, why wouldn't you be proud of a daughter who pulled that off? Good luck to anyone trying to raise them right in this day and age, it was never an easy task and good parents male it work, narc parents never give you the skinny, they don't want you to succeed in their eyes and blind to anything anyway! 😢
You were smart very young. I wish I had done the same!
You're very wise
Yep. Felt your pain. Then I was a bother and a burden to my narc ex. He made that very very clear.
I wish I'd realised that sooner 😢
I grew up feeling so alone, unlovable, and just hungry for some kindness. This made me vulnerable later on for bad relationships, because I just wanted love and would put up with all kinds of mistreatment.
I can totally relate to that
So sad.
This was my experience. She did not say it but it was constantly implied. If I was not her "Right Hand Man", I was a burden.
Same
I can relate to that! Could've written that comment myself. These people certainly seem to be out of the same mold, causing the same type of damage.😥😥
My mother said, “If we didn’t have so many kids, we wouldn’t have money problems.” I became suicidal and started drinking at age 11. Miraculously, quit drinking at age 20, graduated college with an engineering degree, became extremely self reliant. Was told I couldn’t ever come home, had to drop out of grad school because my sister needed my car, which forced me into the workforce early, unprepared, and desperate. Took first job offered which was in a small town (totally traumatic) & 50% lower salary than my peers and determined salary of all future jobs. Had several nervous breakdowns, developed autoimmune disease, but had to keep going because I couldn’t go home to heal. Existence was a living Hell of fatigue, pain and cognitive decline. Later discovered that my four siblings received tons of financial help from parents, weren’t cut off as I was, were allowed to live at home while pursuing doctorate degrees. Realized in my 50’s that I wasted my life pursuing my parents’ approval. They just didn’t love me and I later learned were actually jealous. Hence the lifelong sabotage every time I was happy and strong.
It’s called scapegoating
You're better than they are, that's all there is to it. The fact none of your siblings came to help shows volumes as well. Are you the eldest?
All the best to you.
THEY CHOSE TO HAVE KIDS. That's hat narcs can't get through their heads. 😂
I hope you find happiness.
Your mother never heard of birth control or hysterectomy or vasectomy or abstinence?
@@lordfreerealestate8302 Most people are a mistake resulting from sexual encounters. Men will get a woman pregnant just to get her family's money to get through college or professional school. Then, dump the first wife and children. Don't care at all.
Yes anything I did was minimized …my accomplishments were highlighted in public but in private nothing but belittling and abuse
Same. I was an honor student for many years (until I stopped trying) and all my awards were hidden in an old file cabinet. All their awards? Hanging all through the house. When I became of age they finally said, "oh here's your awards from when you were a kid"
Went into the old file cabinet and handed it to me
"Oh gee thanks."
Me too - it hurt
@@OrlanduHolySwordsmanYikes!! I'm sorry that you were treated so horribly. I always excelled in school and brought home an excellent report card and my father sat across the table glaring with a contemptuous smirk and said, "You really think you're smart, don't you?"
And sabotage! --> at least for me she sabotaged me once she was made aware of my accomplishments she went on a mission to tarnish, destroy, and stop any more accomplishments even IF it hurts her too.
Boy! How many of us had the same parents/family it would seem!!
This channel, this community...big Blessing! 🙏❤
My mom's catchphrase was, "How do you think I feel?" She did not have much empathy at all 😞
My family straight-up told me I was a burden. It's part of the scapegoating, no doubt. But at the same time, they refused to let me accept no-contact. If I'm such a miserable burden, then clearly you'll be better off without me?
Honestly, scapegoats aren't burdens to toxic families. Toxic families are burdens to scapegoats. They use us up until we're empty and still ask for more.
This explains a lot.
This is why I have no concept of how much effort i give to others. I always overdo
Same here. I'm making a concerted effort to put myself first, for the first time in my life. I could literally have a full-time job (with no pay) helping others and they would not do the same for me. Using "no" or I just can't do that right now" is getting easier and easier. It is really freeing!
I feel you
Because no amount of effort was ever enough
@@Richard-n2w1g This is the honest truth. I talk about my accomplishments, teen single mom who finished graduate degree in science before 30, and people are 😦 on how I got things done.
I thought everyone did the most like me
They were a burden
I took my mother to the dr. An hour and half away, bought her lunch. On the way home ,my son called tell me he and his girlfriend had lost their pregnancy, he was devistated and so was i. As i hung up the phone,she ask what the call was about, i told her as i was crying. She crinkled her nose as though i was being ridiculous and said "why dont they take something to prevent that?" In a very irritated manner. Then proceed to bitch about everything imaginable. Never once mentioned my son or the miscarriage again, just so cruel!
I remember telling my mother about a boy who had committed suicide,a boy she had been awful to,All she said was " He always was a naughty boy" l could hardly believe my ears This poor child had had a really difficult life with a violent father and mother who allowed my violent ex husband bash him up
My mom regularly told us, “Don’t have kids! They do nothing but ruin your life!” It was practically her mantra.
Now, that's the truth,,I see this here, everywhere , where Iive.
My feelings, my thoughts, my accomplishments were always minimized. Nothing I ever did was ever enough. I could never win and I still feel like I can never win.
Narcissists change the rules of their own games. They don't want to be the brightest star in the sky, they want to be the only star in the sky. Hopefully, you have healthier-minded people who care about you in your life now. Your feelings matter, your thoughts matter, your accomplishments matter, and YOU matter. Peace.
Same. Live diminished I feel like is the constant narrative 😓
They are sick ppl.
“Don’t have kids. They will just trap you.” Yup, her exact words to me.
I remember how frustrated my mom got when my 4-5 year old niece said she was cold when we were outside. “What do you want?!”
I remember how cold I was, a grown man with a jacket on, and my mom was bundled up under a blanket and jacket.
I remember thinking that is exactly how she must’ve treated us as children when we were growing up.
We got my little niece a blanket and warmed her up but just seeing how irritated she got when anything even slightly inconvenienced her was eye opening for me.
She couldn't stand seeing that your niece was being tended to in a proper way. Sounds like she was pathologically envious that the spotlight was on your niece instead of her.
My mother delighted in asking unanswerable questions, which I didn't realise till I had a child of my own, and saw that she'd never stopped.
Example - to my son: "You just had to go and do that, didn't you?"
Me: "How would you like my 18-month-old son to begin to answer that question?"
That’s exactly how my mother was. She would actually get angry with me for getting sick.
@@seonaidoriada1013 I don't think my mother got angry - anger requires energy.
She told me (and, 30 years later, her new daughter-in-law) what a "grizzly" baby I was. She said I'd lie in my pram all day, grizzling. 🤦♀
No, I'm sure she didn't listen to herself.
When my little brother and I got measles, chickenpox, whooping cough, she'd get a GP house call, then leave us in bed till we were well again.
Perhaps she thought we'd bring ourselves up, with no effort from her.
@@lesleyvivien2876 I’m sorry it went like that in your childhood but unfortunately that does seem really typical for a narcissist.
my knowledge that God loved/loves me - is what literally kept me alive 😎
"Being selfish" has been a really efficient way for me to weed out toxic people in my life. Nearly everyone else just thinks I'm taking care of my own needs like I ought to be doing anyway.
It actually works.
Mom made me feel like my mere existence was an intolerable burden.
Niece told me that my sister gave her the same neglect & abuse. So it runs in families.
According to my narc parents , I was never anything but selfish . I imagine like everyone else here we don't even know who we are .
Very true, most of my life I've thought who the hell am I. Like an internal dialogue running all the time in the background, I could never work out how othe could just be themselves with no worries
I've told people before, proudly even, that I won't even ask for a glass of water from someone when I'm at their house to keep from being a burden.
As children we were a burden, but of course, we were expected to take care of our parents in their old age.
Doesn't seem quite fair, right? Thanks for watching and commenting.
My covert narcissist sibling was stunned when pushed, I stated, "If this is a choice between you and me, I choose me."
Going total no familial contact was not my first choice. After firmly delineating my boundaries, the covert narcissist continued to violate them and fully expected to be forgiven.
Sometimes I pity those left behind, struggling for recognition of actual self, mired in generational cycles of familial dysfunction.
I'm navigating this now. Thanks for sharing your experience.
They like to act stupid and say things like, oh, I din't think it would bother you so much, or, I only took a little bit, when you repeatedly told them, don't take my stuff without asking. Or, please don't feed my cat anything, she has her own food. And my sibling is a recycling hoarder and she lives with me. I have to discard of recycling stuff secretly, I cannot stand clutter, she cannot respect boundaries, and thinks she's doing everything good and I'm the problem. But aside from all that stuff she has always treated me like crap...I was ways trying so hard to please her, but I'm done, I truly don't even like to talk to her, most conversations are about her, and when I start to comment she says things like oh well, or just completely ingnores that I said anything, she literally has to know everything first, even if she doesn't she'll say, "I know".
I paid her way to Hawaii when we were in our 20's, what a bad mistake that was...she literally dragged me out of my bed, threw me in the shower and forced me to go out with her because the night before she met a guy and he asked if she would be there the following night. This was after a terrible 12 hr. bus ride to get to Vancouver, and then we had to stay in a cheap disgusting hotel in East Vancouver called the El Sid, we didn't know it was a blue movies and hooked hotel, absolutely gross. No sleep that night. Then, when we got to Hawaii we got very sunburned and still went out, and I was bagged just wanted to sleep.
Trying to settle my mother's estate she passed at 94. My dysfunctional airlines all bonded together against me still, have tried tossing me breadcrumbs of things from clearing out moms stuff. Junk, stuff they don't want, nor do I. So I've been quiet. Well they had to go to probate over the finances. That lawyer notifies all beneficiaries with the data. So I called that legal office and asked where is the listing of valuable objects ( nothing exciting) they've taken, distributed, but not bedn accountable for as trustees? So they asked me to write a letter. I sure did. I was clear that I had no sense of entitlement or greed to think I deserved more than my quarter, but here are the list of unaccounted things I wonder about. So no I don't have funds to hire my own lawyer to contest them, but I want accountability, and to stop the flow of junk my way. Dad was all about equality, mom the narc not so much. I share tompoint out it doesn't end at the parental death. Siblings of no contact rise up.
Whenever I had the audacity to vocalize my needs I was told that I was selfish. The favorite thing my mother liked to say when I stood my ground was, "you know, I love you but I don't like you." Then she would smirk at me. She made me feel invisible, unloved and unwanted. I still feel that way at 62. I'm just here.
Welcome! You are not alone. Jerry Wise is so good at helping to heal those old wounds.
Yep. Mom used to say that to me as well.
You’re not alone. They’d say “I love you”, but the unspoken dislike swallowed it up.
Thank you for sharing. Your words summoned the deepest wounds from childhood that I feel have affected my life the most. Today, with big gratefulness and loads of grief, I know that none of those things were true. Not then, not now.
Your comment made a difference to me. You made me feel seen.
I wish you knowing you were and are more than visible, lovable and likable. (Selfish I hope you are).
And it’s never too late, it’s just right in time.
@kaba5821 Thank you so much for your kind words. I cannot express how much what you said means to me.
It's one thing to suspect you're a burden. It's another to not only be told you're a burden, but my father would approach anyone I was talking to and ask, "is she bothering you"?
They could be family or a stranger to him. He did this all through my till going no contact.
Dropped him and his flying monkeys at the curb like yesterday's trash.
omg! i'm pretty sure mine did that, behind my back. no idea what sort of monster my extended family have been led to believe i am.
I have a new deep dive to go on with my therapist. I always felt like a huge burden
My sister and I remember a phrase our mother used to say to us. "You are bloody pests". Neither of us remember being told we were loved. Every request was viewed as unreasonable. I couldn't take a biscuit even if my parents were out, they saw it as stealing.
That's how horrible these narcissism parents are!
Bloody he'll, stealing biscuits, you reminded me of when we lived in Colditz.
On the plus side, I was housekeeper for a lady who had 2 daughters by IVF, cost thousands and I wouldn't have wanted to be them, completely spoiled.
My mother used to bake Christmas cookies, then count them. If I took one, she’d raise hell and act like I was the worst person ever.
My narcissistic mother did the opposite. She constantly told me she loved me, and that itself was the gaslighting. "Love" was the reason she used to be abusive. Likewise with food, she made sure I had more than I wanted, so I was a very fat child -- she had me right where she wanted me, the eternal baby. I became an insulin-dependent diabetic at age 12 (in 1983) from all the weight and psychological stress. Suddenly I lost all the weight and was skinny, so she did the same thing and made sure we took professional photographs together as two skinny people, mother and son. Where your mother denied you to control you, mine usurped my childhood, my health, my identity, and my life, to keep me dependent on her and under her complete control.
But it backfired, all it did was push me further and further away from her. I had to move far away to ensure she couldn't keep on breaking into my home while I was at work, discarding every one of my belongings that "she" wouldn't have chosen for me, and replacing them with similar items that "she" chose "for" me. It was all a total mess. Getting away was the only way I could heal.
@@monongahelacats It was taking an ice-cream without asking that got me thrown out of home at 16. My mother is now 96 and when I reminded her of that fact recently, she said "Even l had to ask your father if l wanted a sweet, the sweets were sent by his mother so they were HIS property". So being put out of home is still viewed as appropriate all these years later. They don't change.
I have never had children because I was shown that children are a burden. I am happy with my decision though.
Keep telling yourself that if it helps you. Children are the greatest joy to someone capable of love.
@@morphyne187 Keyword capable ;)
I feel most ppl just get kids because everyone else has kids.
@@morphyne187 Problem is they grow up.
@@mr.F.CastleHow is that a problem exactly? My babies will always be my babies.
Because everything wrong in my mother's life is *MY FAULT!*
This is why I am hyper independent. I also realized I’ve carried this into my adulthood and in the workplace. When I need help, I will try to figure it out on my own for hours because I don’t want to ask for help out of being a burden. I remember walking up to my mom for a hug as a kid and she would shove me away and use some excuse & say something like “move I’m tired. Move I’m busy. Move I’m watching tv. Move I’m not in the mood.”
My ex husband told our children they are a burden to him and his actions definitely backed it up. Kids and I are living in peace, my ex can shove it!
Picking me up from band practice 2x a week, Mom would bitch to high heaven about the inconvenience. Had to drive 15 minutes to pick me up from school two days a week
Funny story to tell you. My mom complained over and over again about being scared sitting in the car (in the most wholesome rural town)waiting for me in the dark alone in the car after band events.
Nice try. I did this for my son in a much bigger city. Scared of the other band parents waiting along with you? Yeah, they are absolutely terrifying! 😂
Part 2- I realized my grandparents lived on the other side of a large field across from the high school. On the same side by the door to the band room. She could’ve waited there and watched for the band bus. My mom had a key to my grandparents house. Ridiculous.
Yes that's when I decided taking the bus ANYWHERE was preferable to enduring the bitching and complaining.
To this day, driving me anywhere (by my mom) is a great inconvenience and always "out if the way" -- but only for driving me ... certainly for no one else in the family.
@@momikal2238Not "funny" as you say -- just ridiculous on her part. Thank you for sharing!
@@jayney6176, thanks so much for your comment. You are correct. It’s not funny at all. It’s definitely ok for me to be angry.
My father explicitly ALWAYS said "children are always burdens to parents" and "you are always a burden on us", he said it with mean tone of voice and aggressive face always. He felt or thought it was a universal thing and it was alright to say so and we had no right to feel offended or upset, while inside my heart I always cried and felt so terrible thinking I was a burden while I was like a child-mother for even my parents. We their children were the burdens to our parents, by taking care of them even as kids, being punch bags for them for everything every emotional an psychological dirts they had. We were burdens because I and my brother and sister were the only ones earning good salaries since our 20s and onwards, and giving all of the earnings to parents and they decided how to spend it all, of course, too little of it on us, or not at all, saying "you have everything in this house, why would you need money or clothes, you have enough clothes" even when I was 25 and still at their home, serving them, cooking for them, cleaning, ironing their clothes, washing their clothes and dirts (all by myself, no help from them), being a psychotherapist to both old parents since my childhood, CONSTANTLY validating them their emotions and everything, and that validation was so exhausting at times, being their comfort-zone, accompanying them to the doctor, since even my teenage years, and doing extra research once home to see what else is good for their health condition, like doing EVERYTHIGN for both these narcissist self-centered parents since they were in their 40s and till now that they are in their 70s. The worst was that we the children had to walk on egg shells, parents got angry and outrages on almost everything, and we never knew what to do to be right, to be correct, to make them happy, in addition to validating them or doing the outside and inside chores. They always had clashes between themselves too and took their frustrations at us. Father demeaned my looks, our looks actually, our sense of clothing, our talking, education, freinds, colleagues and everything, and outside the house, we were his only source of show off to his friends and relatives. Things that THEY SHOULD have done for me for my siblings as kids, we did for them, we raised our spiteful angry parents. And still, them being the center of the whole universe, I and my siblings were a "burden" on them. They earned in their 50s, but just saved and saved for themselves and made me and my siblings work and give it all to them, plus our emotional and psychological and physical energy all to them. Now I am 43 and I lack energy for my own life, lack interest in me and any motive to be happy for me by myself. It was just as if we were born to parent these to self-centered adults, to be their psychotherapist, their money machine, their cleaners and cooks, everything and not being loved unconditionally. My father does not know what unconditional love is, even till now, his love or mere connection to his children is transactional. He clearly says, "that day that I did this for you, now you will do this and that for me" and I am like, regardless of what you did or did not, I WILL do it for you if I have time, because I am now that excessively empath person and I can't let an old man get disappointed and by the way I never ask him to do anything for me, 1st I do not need it, I have not needed it for a long time now, and 2nd I can't stand transactional love or bonding in family.
Oh did I ever hear that too
A slave is what I was.
@@tatie7604 hugs
💗 But you can 🫷🏻 stop it. I don't know more but never is too late. I'm struggling with my health and I'm living with my parents. My mom doesn't talk to me. She doesn't like that I "bother her". I'm a burden for her. I feel very very stupid because I feel I messed up my life doing what she wanted me to. She's in her 70's , healthy but bitter. Me and my dad are the ones cleaning up the house, despite how I feel I don't like to be like as she behaves like a zombie without any good feelings, empathy towards me.
I'm a bit younger than you. I appreciate more life and I'd wished to go back in time and make the decisions that would allow me to live a better present and future.
Live your life, free yourself, you've given and now you deserve to live in happiness, etc. My English is not great.
Warm regards from Mexico City, Mexico.
💗
@@lillyrocks2011 You are very wise. Thank you for your beautiful words and sharing your experience! Hugs and love to you ❤Take are of yourself.
Im a single parent. My kids are NEVER a burden to me. They are the best thing ever in my life. My parents on the other hand are definitely a burden. The endless errands and appointments. Drama and problems. Its endless. I have started saying no and they are shocked. They really can't believe it.
My kids and grandkids are the best I feel really blessed
My mother's favourite phrase: "What did your last slave die of?"
Receiving this response to my request for a glass of orange squash, aged four, I went to the bathroom for my step stool, got the glass, got the bottle of orange squash, climbed up to the kitchen sink and prepared the drink for myself. Feeling awesome at my achievement, I decided right then and there, that I would never ask anyone for anything, ever again. 💪😎
"I didn't really want kids. It's just what you did back then." Told to me in my late 30s. Took her that damn long to admit it but it FINALLY explained everything. I went no-contact a few years after that, and to this day, she tries to ruin my birthday by leaving me a voicemail, whining that she has no idea what she did ttp make me abandon her like I did.
Same exact thing here. Thanks for sharing
I think our parents enjoyed my twin brother and I when we were very small, but after that, we were a burden. They received attention from others because we were twins, but once we were no longer "cute", we were a disappointing drag on them.
Growing up, I was taught to act like an adult and take responsibility for my parents' feelings. It was the only way I was able to get validation. The problem is that this trains the child to be codependent, to become dependent on external validation, and it stunts their emotional growth as well.
I wasn’t so much treated like a burden, I was ignored. But I would get yelled at by my mother any time I was resting.
1 hour before my spinal surgery my mother told me “You’re such a burden, always was!” And all she did was drive me to hospital. Though I have tirelessly drove her to specialist appointments, doctor’s appointments, her friends home because she didn’t know the way, never got a thank you and I was ok with that right up to when she told me I was a burden, no contact was the only way for me.
How awful. I am so sorry.
I'm on your side friend. No contact is the only way to end the pain.😮😮😢❤
@@Beat909 Thank you for your kind words. Bless you 🙏
Yes, I am finding almost no contact alleviates most of the pain from narcissistic siblings now that narcissist mother has passed, some 15 years ago. I thought things would be different ( normal, like a rubber band going back into shape) but my siblings just carried on the narcissitic crazyness. I finally gave completely up on any hope this past March. What's left are only lingering feelings that distance and time and almost no contact seem to be curing! I am delighted!!! I seldom think of them, and concentrate on my own children, families, grandchildren. Oh, the freedom. If I do think of them or their children I just say" Lord I gave them to you, you take care of them." Then I move on! So Freeing. Needed to do this A LONG TIME AGO. I turn 80 in May. About time, hey!!! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, I say to myself😅!!!
@@phyllischristensen9145 Congratulations! It’s never too late. You may want to listen “The Greatest Love Of All” by George Benson incredibly inspirational. Bless you on your journey 🙏
As a very little child I was constantly told I was selfish and spoiled and needed to be punished and taught a lesson. My dad just reiterated this view he has to me a couple years ago saying I needed to be punished and taught a lesson because I was so spoiled and selfish as a child. No, dad. My needs were never met and I was punished if I expressed what I now know as normal, developmental needs of a child, from emotional needs to physical needs. I was the oldest and expected and beat to be an adult since I can remember and take care of my siblings and household chores and even my parents' needs. Everything was about them and what I needed to do for them, and mindreading their wants and desires before they asked or else I was being selfish or rude or lazy. But if I cried or asked for something? The world was ending and I was treated like I asked them to chop off their own leg for me. They never should have been parents.
The main issue to me is that a relatively few years of neglect have a huge impact on an entire life. I personally took every possible step to overcome my fears and anxiety, even if there wasn't much knowledge of these dynamics when I was younger. But I'm still learning. I really feel robbed at times, despite doing my best to live a better life.
I didn't have to feel like i was a burden. They told me that i am.
It's "funny" how as an adult child when you're trying to pay more attention to yourself, you're considered "selfish."
So be considered “selfish” and leave at peace with it
I think I will make a conscious choice to be a burden and to be selfish.. I do have a success story to say.. I live in a condo complex and some druggy wanted me to give him a ride somewhere on Friday.. On 2 occasions I said "NO." I know "NO" is a complete sentence but when he asked why I said "I don't want to."
I wish I could know others who are healing from this too!
It's a process, I'm 63 and I'm sure when I finally see some inheritance dough that will work for me!
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*ktwxkl*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxMzk0MTcwOS4yOC4xLjE3MTM5NDE3MTQuNTUuMC4w
Its society that makes it a burden.
Lol. Moved thousands of miles away and narcissistic mother tried to guilt me about 15 years ago with: “What are you going to do when I get old?” I flat out told her: “I’m not taking care of you.” She started with the incredulous “WHAT?” So I asked her if she plans on moving to where I lived. NO. Finished with “I’m not moving back to you so don’t mess it up with (golden child).” This still makes me laugh. Being the ‘forgotten middle child’ is a gift - you can forget I exist. Thank you and Good Bye.
Nothing like hearing from a parent "nobody helps around here or does anything for me" when you do many things and it's demanded and not appreciated. Snickering, rude remarks, being condescending, etc. I hate it honestly and I'm tired of "helping" when both of parents have willed themselves into the position or should I say situation. It's exhausting.
I got that from my father almost daily. He was embarrassed and burdened by my very existence. My mother had her own version of that. I ended up really hating both of them and completely cutting them off for years. Moved to another country to put geographic distance between us. Making me a cold, uncaring, ice hearted monster, according to my mother's will.
“Let yourself be a burden” 🤯💥
You bet! 😅
My father told me that if he knew what fatherhood entailed he never would’ve become one.
The only reason he ever had children was because he thought that being childless was the reason he wasn’t taking seriously as a teacher.
When really he was just bad at his job.
This is so true. I always felt like my entire existence was a burden. Working hard to change my programming!
This is the main issue. A few years of neglect seems to mark one's entire life, despite every attempt not to
Sounds like your toxic parents are still inside your head. Get them out.
I recall in my 20s realizing that much of what my mother taught me as hard and fast rules of society were nothing of the sort, and were preventing me from growing up and taking care of my own needs. I had to try breaking rules selectively for a while to find out what were real rules and what the consequences of breaking them really were. Not obvious crimes, but stuff like less than full honesty regarding private matters. In a sense, I finally went through my teenage years as an adult.
I’ll watch this all later. This title really triggered me. When I was in high school in the 80s I was in honor classes, paged for a day at the state senator office, etc…. My big rah rah talk from my father was he expected me to get the heck out of his house when I turned 18 and graduated. Fooled him I did early graduation and left shortly afterwards for 7 years of active duty army. Could I have done things differently. Yes, but I didn’t have the guidance. And we didn’t have this wealth of knowledge from the internet. I personally think I would have been in the same type area, in a similar home no matter the path I took. And in a weird way I am great full for my struggles. It taught me how NOT to treat people. How to have empathy and to walk away if needed.
My narc "parents" never understood they were parents. It was all hopeless with them... Thank You!!:))!!
My car was stuck at the garage 1 1/4 hrs away, no bus, no taxi, last week, and when it was ready, I had to ask for a ride to town to pick it up. That was really really uncomfortable for me, having to ask for help. The main fear being that if no one offers, thats proof that I don't deserve help. I'm fiercely independent. I don't want to be indebted to anyone, I don't want to come across as helpless, nor do I want anyone to know that I don't have anyone here who cares enough about me to do this without question. I asked my closest neighbour, and her friend, that was a no, I almost went out my door to ask all my neighbours, but stopped myself. I had the possibility my boss would pick me up, and though I was desperate to get this sorted out, I waited for an answer from her. Thankfully, with a bit of begging, she agreed, and went way out of her way to ensure I had a car, so I could get to work and do my shifts. I missed a week of work because of this.
im sorry you had to beg your boss! i'm in a similar position - no family or friends close by, can't ask for help, in fact i've been harassed for years after being forced to move by my n brother who's basically a curse in my life. i need to move further away but that seems like an impossible task atm
I sure do get that. I'm disabled and live in a small town with no public transportation. I haven't had a way to get to a grocery store in 2.5 years. I've been surviving on chips and frozen pizza from the dollar store. (Delivery from a grocery store to my apartment building became available last week! Yay!) A couple of months ago, the sister of my ex-boyfriend (who passed away in December) asked me to go shopping with her. It was difficult for me, but I plodded through a couple of stores with her. I asked if I could stop at a grocery store. She agreed, but became frantic because I was took too long in the busy store with not enough cashiers on duty. She's not unlike her late brother in that regard. That just reaffirmed that it's better to go without than to ever ask anyone for anything.
The idea of being selfish makes me really scared. Guess I need to do it. ☺️
Yes! Get selfish af & enjoy every second of it!
Identify with this one. Was always a problem/expense/embarrassment/surplus to requirements/bad/evil/seriously unwanted.
Eventually I came to believe in God, further down the line both parents died. DOBBY IS A FREE ELF!!!
Thank You God for my FREEDOM!!!!
So true! I remember feeling this and boy did it hurt and lower my self esteem. I had my grandmother who did the nurturing and guiding. I am so very grateful for that.
I was astounded at first by the idea of letting myself be a burden to others and being selfish for a week but I am ready to take on the challenge.
Amen! I’m on board too!
We are a convenient blessing. Willful ignorance and perpetual betrayal of an innocent child is the inconvenient burden. They wanted to switch places with a child because developmentally, many abusers are just children in adult bodies who have chosen to be bullies while justifying their behavior by projecting their perceived inadequacies onto an actual child. About as sick as it gets to repeatedly sabotage a developing child and teach them they're a burden. 😡 Just remember you're a convenient blessing. Your needs are as important as anyone else's. You are worth every effort and always have been. ❤
I remember when I fell at school, skinned my knees and tore my pants. I was cut up pretty bad but my mother ONLY cared about the fact I tore my pants.
“What did you do to your pants ????”
No concerns for my wellbeing at all.
I took my Mother to the mall and I helped her look at something she liked. The sales person said to her, you have a wonderful Daughter. My Mom said, “ she’s alright.” This was hurtful cause I was always there throughout her hospital stays and her addiction problems.
Yes! My dad was told I was a good daughter by a nurse. The look he gave me was scary 😨
She's miserable and full of shame. You rock
I use to tell my ex husband not to compliment me around my narcissistic sister she would find ways to punish me for it.
Once, my sister and I spent the day with a couple of guys at the lake, suntan ing and water-skiing, well one guy could not stop complimenting me my sister looked pissed off, I wanted to tell him to give her some compliments as well, later in the evening we were offered a second beer I said no thank you it bothers my stomach...my sister then says, Yeah, it's because of all the exlax she used. So, you see how she would pu ish me even when I did nothing wrong. It was her way of trying to control me.
My mother in law would have said exactly that to my wife. I can hear it...
She claimed derogatory remarks were how she showed affection.
My older sister hated me until she died. My father was scornful of means I don't even know what my mother felt. She was so emotionless.
Oh boy. This reminds me of a conversation i had with my abusive, narcissistic mother. I asked her, on many occasions, why she even us in the first place. It was obvious ahe never wanted us or cared for us. We wwre such a fractured family and continue to be.
I never got my answer, and she died alone, in a crappy one bedroom apartment. No family or friends.
Part of me feels so sad that we couldn't come together and mend that. Another part knows ahe was never capable, and as a result, she reaped what she had sown.
I pray you'll have peace my friend 🙏🏻❤
Even at 48 they treat me like a burden. I live alone now, but even my past boyfriends could see their abuse. You explain this better than anyone. Thank you.😢
I always felt like a burden because my parents love money more than anything else. They would go on and on about how expensive it was to feed and clothe us, and send us to a private school (at which I was bullied and wouldn’t have minded going elsewhere), and how they couldn’t drive me anywhere because “gas is so expensive.”
My hunger/fullness meter in my brain/body does not function correctly even now (in my 40s) because I was hungry so often as a child. I don’t feel full until I have eaten an unbelievable amount of food. And at the same time as complaining about the high cost of food, my mom refused to shop anywhere but the most expensive grocery store chain, because she just hated the experience of shopping at the other stores.
I was constantly told how much my mom had given up in order to stay home with us kids, and I could tell she did not enjoy being a mom at all. I was actually shocked when I had my kids, because I love them so much and found them to be such incredible sources of joy for me. Because of my upbringing, I thought having kids was just a woman’s duty, and needed to be done no matter how crappy it was.
I found out, sometime in my 30s, that my parents had been putting as much money as they could into savings accounts and investments throughout my childhood. They had saved so much that they are now able to take at least one tropical vacation every year, and retire early. But I couldn’t have a snack when I was hungry. It blows my mind.
8 yrs old my brother came into the world and mine changed. My mom wanted nothing to do with me. Told me to get away from her, stay away, go outside and don’t come back. Always a bother if I asked her for something. Called me blockhead, moron, idiot. Never went to any school events. Never took me anywhere. Always put me down. Paired that with being bullied at school I never got a break. Now as an adult she still denies doing all those things and I’m a home body because of all the times I was told to get out of the house now I never want to leave it. Buying Mother’s Day cards is hard because they are all filled with lies. Such as best mom ever or without you I wouldn’t be who I am. Where’s the cards that say you suck mom or let me know when I can be your son again mom.
My mother was nearly the opposite of yours, she was highly intrusive in my life and never allowed me privacy. So as a young adult, I got her a Mother's Day joke card that said, "Mother, whenever I needed you, you were there. (inside the card:) Even when I didn't need you, you were there." She just laughed and laughed. It took her a month to understand what it meant. By then it was too late because I hadn't lived at home for a few years and was on my own. It's a true story, and I hope you found it amusing because you're right -- it's almost impossible to get a sincere Mother's Day card for a narcissistic mother.
When I finally started to practice that, I started to lose all the dead weight around me. The uphill journey became lighter, I began to feel free to be me.
I didn’t feel like I was a burden...it was a fact. On a good day, I was told, “I wish you were never born.” On a bad day, things got a whole lot more descriptive.
I was a burden because my dad only wanted two and my mom some how accidentally had four and I am the fourth. So he took it out on me.
I've decided not to have a family or kids. My parents have totally ruined the idea of family for me.
Same
"If it wasn't for you, we could have gotten an annulment and I could have been happy."
Both parents told me this behind each other's backs.
I was the only kid they were able to have.
That's so sad! So sorry they said that to you!!!
@@barbaralynch3015 thank you. It helps to hear even one person say that..
My older sister told me a few years ago that she had experienced me as a burden most of my life. I am sure I was annoying and was sensitive and emotional comparatively, but I don't think I have been an unusually hard person. But I was told I was needy. I learned the "fawning" response. I remember her telling me she wanted a glass of water and me scurrying off to get her one. My parents didn't say those words, but I think she got that from them. I've gone around trying to be the least possible burden to everyone, taking up the least space in a relationship that I can.
I’m currently stuck at home with a cold. Today I noticed once again how stressful interactions with other people feel when I’m sick. Even just calling in sick at work. I called off an appointment with my cleaning help, and a couple other people offered help if I needed, but all I wanted to do was just curl up and be left alone until I get better. Yet at the same time, I do wish someone was there for me when I feel bad in any way…
Back when I still lived with my parents, if another family member was sick or had problems, my narc mum used to react as if we were faking or exaggerating, belittle our troubles, and complain that *we* made *her* sick. Thanks for nothing.
Thank you, Jerry. Just last night I came across a diary from when I was thirteen, and described how I felt I was a burden to my parents, and how I wanted to commit suicide or simply die. I couldn’t believe I had documented this so long ago (I’m in my 40s now). I will be selfish this week! 💛
I never felt like a burden but I always thought I was a painful reminder of the past. But now that I've learned my mom is a narcissist, everything makes sense now
She didn’t hesitate to tell me all I was was just a big imposition.
‘You do help here and there’ is the reason I don’t help at all.
Yes, that’s what my coverted narcissistic mother makes me feel all the time, even though, she is the burden of my entire life. Recently she cut me off, because I challenged her. Lucky break!
My mother always acted as if I was a pain in the ass and treated me like everything I ever did was wrong. As I grew up I tried to spend as much time away from my parents that I could to avoid their constant dissatisfaction with me.
One of the most common phrases that often came out of my mother's mouth was "What will people think if........." As an adult I told her that I don't care what people think. Her response to that can best be described as Surprised Pikachu face.
My mom was the covert narc, and my dad explained once, that because I was unplanned , I kept her from her ideal life as a librarian, plus her mother didn't want her marriage to my dad, and thought I was the reason they got married ( I wasn't)..my mom never ever was on my side nor a source of empathy or love. When she hot pregnant 7 years later with the golden child, I was told ( indirectly) that since I was s "spoiled only child " would be a danger to her son when he wasborn. So, she loved and cared for him as a baby, keeping me away, but by the time he was walking, I became the babysitter with no authority authority. He learned if he attacked me and I pushed him away, at his cries mom would come storming in to beat me!
I wish it was explained what the narc feels to make him behave this way.
My father would “joke” that he should charge me for food as a child …my mother would rage at me if I ate food from the refrigerator that she said needed for rest of the family …I babysat my siblings for free paid rent to live in the house with part times as I tried to get through college ..I have 100 fold paid then back for anything they gave me ..I am painted as the scapegoat horrible daughter and truly it is tough to realize parents you sacrificed so much for could not care less about you ..that I was an accident was said repeatedly and in public to people when my mom was pregnant with my siblings …instead of being happy for any positive things in my life my parents would tear me down and minimize me …thank you for your work …it is helpful to know I’m not alone in this
You sure are not alone!!!
Hi hon, you are wanted he was just trash 🗑!
My whole life my dad told me that I am a burden and my mother and sister would not disagree with him. Thats why I always felt like that towards others and had a hard time connecting with others.
I was a Stockman for about 300 mother cows and about 30 of those were first calf mamas, heifers for a number of years. And when that first calf, mama had difficulties with that birth, she stood up and walked away, and we had to coop them together and force the mother to accept the calf.
I was fourth born to 19to20 year-old mother. I was 3 1/2 hours after my twin sister. The fourth child of an already unwanted third pregnancy. Of course I was an inconvenience. Took me to age 59 to realize that they did not like me. Eight years ago. But I'm glad I had my revelation.
Yeah, they had the money and the time to attend my graduation from Chiropractic college but didn't. Then talk about how I became arrogant because of that diploma that I earned that they call, "piece of paper"
I gave up my dream to be there for my parents. My sisters encouraged this and acted like they missed me. It was a lie and a trap. Now, I try to be as selfish as I can. Unfortunately, I still try to do nice things( my time, money and energy) which is minimized as soon as they have pigged down a lovely meal or benefited from my experience. So, I have to remind myself that I will only be insulted for my efforts.
I ruined my mother’s body when she gave birth to me,and was a burden from then onwards.Until she split from my father,until her next relationship,when I became a burden again.This happened two times more.She died in an abusive relationship and we were estranged.Her abusive partner was a narcissist also.I tried to rescue her from this relationship to rescue her several times but she was being manipulated and gaslit.When she died she needs me once again,but I couldn’t help her because I’d finished with being that burden to her,to everyone else and to myself. I am 70 years old.
My father said something SO inappropriate to me, I punched him in the face with a right hook. Weirdly, he was impressed. I never called him "dad" again, using his given name instead, but I have to say, we had a GREAT relationship after that . If he started any BS, all I had to do was look at him, and he'd laugh and didn't go there.. I don't recommend violence, but that punch certainly worked for me, and I had healthy boundaries from then on.
I dealt with unempathic attitude often.
I felt like an overwhelming burden if I need something from someone to NEVER ask anyone for help.
If I do need something, I remember it was like the end of the world to them.
My needs never feel met by anyone and I feel small everywhere I go. I always see others get their needs met and I never do. I hate it.
I hate how I feel/felt.
I have no one to meet my needs anyway.
My teen mom made me the family Scapegoat for ruining her life. At 35 i found out i had an older brother who was adopted by the CEO of SEARS.. She lied.
Hello healing friends! Jerry, you are so spot on! I’m the “scapegoat/ truth teller” and writing about my childhood and my journey to healing. My story is a bit unique in that I am a genius (by IQ) and high masking autistic in addition to having survived countless attempts on my life by my “parents.” From near drowning to abandoned while sick (she hoped I would die) to dad leaving multiple loaded guns within reach of small children (yes I was shot) stabbed. Electrocuted and nearly burned alive. But guess what? I didn’t die! And now I get to tell the world and reveal the atrocities of my parents, a nurse and a teacher who was also an MFCC of all things. Anyway I’m rambling- just so grateful for your help and support.
My narc dad tends to drive across my front yard,. For 12 years I've told him not to.
Thursday, he did it again. I sent a message, Stop driving across my yard.
His wife told me I'm being touchy
He swore at me.
My narcissism.mother always vented her rages on me, then she hit me against.my head. I read recently that head injury causes Alzheimer's syndrome. I just hope and pray I do not get the disease.
The sad part about becoming a mini child is, you cant help it. Once you realize that you've grown up too fast and that you were expected to be emotional support for a bunch of people that sabatoged you you're whole life, you almost have to become a mini child to survive you as you were raised to believe that being a selfish child was wrong.
"We can't take you anywhere"