8 Ways Narcissistic Mothers Neglect Affected Your Life as an ADULT/ Lisa Romano
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- #narcissisticmother #narcissist #narcissism #mentalhealth 8 ways narcissistic mother neglect affected your life as an adult. In this RUclips video, you will learn about signs that you were raised by a mother who was a narcissist.
If you have trust issues, are a lone wolf, abandon the self, fear losing control, tend to remain in relationships with narcissists, if you are an approval junkie, fear having your own children, and have no self confidence, these are signs you were emotionally neglected by a narcissistic mother.
Healing from a narcissistic mother will require you to RETRAIN your BRAIN . Until you address the subconscious and neurological patterns held within your mind and brain, you will remain STUCK in loops of repetition.
To help you retrain your brain, I would like to offer you two of my brain based e-learning/healing programs.
To learn how to love the self, this 4 part guided meditation, video and journaling program, can help you heal at the subconscious level. For a limited time, you can start your retraining program at 50% off
www.lisaaroman...
To BREAKTHROUGH decades of subconscious, negative, self sabotaging neurological patterns, and to become more self actualized, and less co-dependent upon others, you can begin your 3 month retraining program in the comfort of your own home today!
For a limited time, you can also beging your brain retraining program at 50% off.
www.lisaaroman...
To listen to Codependent Now What for free visit
adbl.co/2Q484CV
Take the CODEPENDENCY QUIZ here
www.lisaaroman...
Mind blowing video 💜💜👍🏼Didn't want kids, or to screw up my kid✔️. Didn't want to marry ✔️. Didn't understand my emotions ✔️. Married a man like my mother ✔️. Emotionally devalued myself, felt like a lone wolf all my life ✔️. Had no idea my mother was highly narcissistic until 2 Yr ago at age 52. Now I see it on multiple levels. I did have a child (zero confidence), love her dearly, despite all my mothers positive attempts at perfection, she's turned out to be very like me, its driven my mother potty. Learning about Narcissism has changed my life, ended up going no contact with Narc mum/enabler dad, and husband and I are now divorcing and also no contact. I am slowly healing, biggest change is that I am now not paying the terrible price of having these people in my daily life. No matter how difficult dayly life might sometimes be, it is never ever as bad as having them in it.
❤️💛💚
exactly
I feel you. My hero is my 2nd husband, who I have been married to for almost 5 years. I too, had married a narcissist. Had a miscarriage (I felt more pressured than supported), got a divorce "lost" a job/biz that was being forced down my throat - and in which I was my mother's shadow. One day (like 2 yrs ago) my husband told me "hey, baby. You can't win, she's a narcissist." It's been a clearer road to healing since then
💜
Such a strong person you are! Great job on naming and removing the problem people from your life!! Stay strong💪💪💪
The unfortunate thing is that most people raised by a parent like this, find this out very late in life, almost too late.
Soon to be 65 and I just want to be alone so I dont screw everyone else up.
@@susangonos589 I hear you, it seems to be the thing with me too!
At 83, I'm just realizing the "why" of who a n d what I am and have always been
Decided NOT to have children because, the way I saw the family...there was something wrong mentally, attitudinally,and from BOTH the narc father and the narc mother, and didn't want to perpetuate the sick insanity....
@@gloriarangott8803 oh that is so sad but I totally get it. I have two boys and raised them totally diffirent than how I was raised. Off oourse the love they show me daily is deeply frowned upon. Our relationship is a real thorn and they know, I admit I am a little crazy from that life but they totally understand it better tham anyone else. I just want to send you lots of love for being so brave, I don't think I would have been able to handle two parents like that. My dad passed when I was 9, he turned to alcohol when I was 4, today I understand why.
Exactly. I'm 61 and just discovering these helpful videos!
to all the people reading this: if you had a narcissistic mother, i send you love and empathy across the internet 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you
💜
Received!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you
Everything is hers. People, places and things. They all belong to her. The only thing she doesn’t claim is responsibility.
Same. For mine I would like to add accountability as well
@@DrHen-xd3rv Very true.
BOOM 💥 MIC DROP 🎤
!!!!!!!
Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 100% Agree.
My mother, to this day, states that I was a "difficult child". Well I say she was a difficult mother!
I was told the same thing. And told how I made her lose so much sleep by being sick as a child. Just normal kid stuff. 2 yrs ago she told me a story about when i was born, her hospital stay was 7 days back then with cesarean, and i was never mentioned in it. Who was taking care of me? So my mother never breast fed any of her 3 children. And never bonded with me from the very start. This story really explained a lot to me. Now i understand her better. She should have never had kids, or at least me. She treated my other 2 sisters ok.
Told same stuff. And worse .
You don’t trust people
You have low self esteem
You doubt yourself
You and your siblings have been pitted against each other
People don’t believe you, “she’s so nice”😵💫
You now understand the phrase, “only the good die young “ because she seems to be living forever.
You just wish it was over.
You wanna move to another country
You could write a dissertation for your PhD on this subject
My mother was always described to me by friends as super cool and nice. Well, they didn't know her behind closed doors.
This was my father to a T. I feel all those ways and the putting siblings against eachother part resonated pretty hard. Along with the positive community image. My father was the friend of the chief of police. Had a good standing in the church. When you would try to talk to anyone they would think it was me and my siblings or blame my mother who wasn't there to defend herself. I keep thinking some of it was my stepmother but he played along with it. The gaslighting was REAL
I did move countries. My mother was so toxic my sister killed herself. I escaped
They never die
I feel like creating a survival group of narcissistic mothers and fathers, because we are alone, so we could create an artificial "family" to survive in this chaotic world.
My mother not only taught me that I wasn't worthy of love but she influenced my entire family to treat me as "Less than." I became a drug and alcohol-infused high school dropout. Eventually, I found Alcoholics Anonymous. There I found the love and acceptance I had never felt before. I got a GED. I graduated from nursing school with straight A's. This shocked many in my family who believed I was stupid and bad. It was one of the greatest moments of my life to prove to everyone I was somebody.
Proud Of you
Well done!
Amen
You're so close to home.. sister. I feel ya deeply.
Similar story…..❤
My mom worked at my elementary school. To this day, people talk about how incredibly nice she is. I don't know who they're talking about. My mom never guided me as a woman. She never advised me as a mother and offered no advice in my marriage. She criticized me and put me down. Now she's widowed and alone, staying with me until she moves into a new house. She hasn't helped with groceries, utilities, housework or anything. She has ruined most holidays and my self esteem. I'm going to get her into her new place, park her in front of the TV and walk away. She's a horrible person.
Sending hugs. I've been there too and it is so hard.
Wishing you well.
I hope the day you can get her to her own home comes quickly.
She's got it pretty cushy at your place though so she may well drag it out 😮
Do it!
So true- my friends always used to say, I wish your mum was mine- God what can you say.
Kick her out NOW. She deserves it.
My empathy to all those who are going through this issue (including me).
And mine to you! Hugs.
My heart goes out to you ❤️🩹💔….I have been there myself..Living well is the very best revenge!! Don’t ever forget to are 💯worth it.., we are all works in progress.,Take good care yourself. You are not alone 🤗🤗
❤❤❤
May I suggest going no contact, I finally did, it’s been two years and I’m starting to feel better. I surround myself with only positive people.
Thank you ❤
This is a description of my mother. I see her clearly now. Her acting in public is worthy of an Oscar. Behind the scenes she hurt me at every corner. Note I use past tense.
I found out I am a child of God and worthy of love.
Yeah, as my mom drunk drove us 🙄🙄😣
My mom embarrassed me so much.
@@caryn9561
Mine did it by proxy 😣
Mine too
Yes, you are absolutely worthy of love! For a minute, I thought you were one of my sisters commenting on this video!
63 and still working on healing. God bless you all.
I'm with you. At 56, I still have a lot of work to do.
Same!
❤
It’s never too late to heal and work on yourself. I’m proud of you 👏
Same
I can remember as a child seeing the movie “Mommy Dearest” and being shocked how close it was to my mom! I am 53 and never wanted children of my own. Largely, because I’ve already been a parent. Only kids of bipolar/and or narcissistic parents can understand this. We aren’t ever really “free” until this parent dies.
💜
🤗🌈💗
When both of my parents died, I sighed in relief. No more judgment.
I was in high school and went to see that movie with my boyfriend. We had to leave because it was too much for me to take. Hit too close to home.
One year into my marriage I found out that this movie was my new mother in laws favorite. Cue 30 years of hell. She's dead now. That may seem harsh but now there's no black cloud hanging over my marriage and my husband is free.
Most of us have to grow very old, before we undestand what is going on there. I am over 60, my Mom is still alive and I still fight for a love that she cannot give, will never be able to give.
I am 65 and only figured it out 6 months ago. It's so terrible. And she is 95 now and still a mess. I feel my life has been a tragedy. Only times of happiness and relief was when I would go to my grandparents for a week in the summer.
Stop it! You have to find other people who really love you! Familie is not everything!
You just explained my life, she passed away in December of last year, I couldn't even cry. My whole childhood she never said I love you, she just doled out punishment, constantly.
I grew up with three brothers that my mother adored. I was always the black sheep. I never understood why this woman hated me. This woman was verbal abusive and physically abusive to only me. She would corner me when no one was around and let me have it. I'm in my 50's now and my brothers still don't know what this lady did to me. They keep telling me to call her she is my mother. I will never call this woman or go to her funeral when she dies. This was a very horrible way to grow up. No one can understand this unless they went through it. Until this day I am a loner and am very skittish around people. Thank fully I have a good job but I'm not too friendly at work. I am very introverted. Still trying to heal from this.
I think it would help you to do affirmations and realise that none of it was your fault, none. You were unlucky, as I was. I have made my own successes and now am very comfortable with myself. I used affirmations from Louise Hay. My brother didn’t do anything but he became very successful (of course, looking for approval) but became an alcoholic and when he is drunk he is absolutely obnoxious. I now know why. I really think we have to make the best of life we get and try and counteract what we actually got. I wish you all the best
There are many of us like you- you are not alone. Siblings won’t support you- leave them all.
So sorry for the lack of a better upbringing. I sincerely hope you find strength and happiness. Cheers from Canada 🇨🇦
I was one of 8 and our mother scapegoated me and my sister.
When I was 13 she gave me away to a relative who turned out to be a pedophile. Years later after she learned about it she told everyone I was lying. Never had my back. I have no memory of her smiling at me nor of a single warm moment in her presence. So people who say to me “oh no a mother is pure love, that can’t be true” just continue the invalidation.
I’m literally in tears! This is my story! I’m recently just now starting to research toxic moms, and I felt guilty bc like she said we were taught to honor our parents, I have 3 brothers as well they get treated better than me. My mom invested more into their over well being than she did me. my older brother can’t get his head out of her ass and see who she is: tells me to be nicer or help her out more. He doesn’t know half of the things she’s done. I’m saving up to move out I can’t wait to be at peace
I was 65 before I realized that my late mother was a narcissist. It was as if all the things I had tortured myself over, suddenly made sense. Everyone thought she was a great person - public persona. The private persona was critical, at times downright nasty about the things I would do, say or wear. Nothing was ever good enough. It’s taken me the best part of my lifetime to heal and it’s an ongoing process.
I so agree. I am 70 and it never leaves you.
I’m 71 years old and my narc mom is 96! I’m STILL dealing with her covert abuse! She’s a complete phony!!! She has all her friends believing she’s a sweet, humble, God fearing, forgiven, gentle lady covered by the blood of Jesus, forgiven of all her sins and she talks to me in vicious anger like I’m the root of her problems and talks to her friends like she’s an angel!!!
I was the only girl (her only competition) treated my brother's differently. Now I know, and I'm 71yr. She was abusive and allowed her husband's to abuse me (physically)
I lived this!
Took me 70 years to realize that literally everything she said to me, about me was the opposite of true. So critical, mean. Nobody likes me, I dressed wrong. Too sensitive. Can't take a joke. Head in the clouds. I asked the wrong questions. Weird. I could go on. Found myself after a long life as passive aggressive and fake.
Even worse is when you have a dad who sat back and let his wife abuse his kids. He died first, and I couldn’t shed a tear. She is still alive, but my sibling and I forced her into a senior community because we deserve our own lives free of her toxicity.
1) 5:40 - Trust Issues
2) 7:00 - Lone Wolf(Can't ask for help)
3) 8:26 - Poor Self care
4) 10:26 - Have a hard time going with the flow
5) 13:35 - Attracted to other Narcissists
6) 15:35 - Require Appoval to feel good enough
7) 17:05 - You may fear having children
8) 18:46 - Insecure sense of personal identity
🌹🙏❤️
Thank you for the tags
The RELEASE I feel is like a truck was lifted from my chest.
I am 67. I have lived under the burden of a narcissistic mother all of my life. My mom died last week at 90. I am finally released. I honored my mother until the very end and beyond (planning her cremation). I feel good that I have kept my ethical obligation. I have no regrets. I wish I had a mother who was not a narcissist because of the lifelong pain she inflicted on my brother and me, but I feel good that I rose up in spite of her slings and arrows and was true to myself.
You must feel so free.
I look after my ailing mum.
About 2 years ago I had a very serious emotional collapse. My partner (narcissistic traits/ autism) and my mother didn’t even try and support me… my mum basically said “well what do expect, you’re always a pain in the arse” and my partner avoided me.
I clawed my way back out of the rock bottom so quickly (I’m my daughters everything) and I promised myself that I would stop spending energy on these 2 ppl - that myself and my daughter deserved ALL of that wasted energy.
I set things up.
I created boundaries with my mum (a turn and leave immediately if she is becoming mean, I don’t share anything about my life with her, just “hi, I’m here to check you’re ok and here’s your groceries/ dinner - I have to run now” and I zoom off)…
And I separated with my 22 year partner just over a year ago.
I have never felt freer but I’m still tethered to mum. And I will be until she dies.
There’s literally no one else that will look after her… she has no-one. My brother (possible APD) certainly won’t care for her - until she does that is - and then he’ll push his way in to take anything of value no doubt.
She has nothing of real value anyway.
Every now and then I wonder if I’m evil for looking forward to be being free. If you know what I mean.
I got diagnosed with breast cancer in October and had a mastectomy. I sometimes worry I might die before I was ever free.
My mother used to tell me that I was the reason she had to take "nerve pills". I'm so happy and proud to have ended all contact with my toxic family.
Mine told me that I was the reason she was fat at the tender age of two. Reminds me of the way my mom is!! Bless you.
My mom used to tell me I was the reason my dad left, he left her when I was 6 months old. She also blamed me that she was poor and that no man wanted her. Said I tried to run them off. No i didnt. I was happy when she dated someone cuz she left me alone. I figured out she was jealous of me when I was a teenager but it took me till I was 40 to realize she was a narcissist.
My mom
Used to say me fighting with my brother was ruining her marriage and that I was the reason her husband beat him
As hurtful as our parentas were, the fact that we recognize the abuse and the wrongness of their actions is a huge first step in healing. Free yourself from that toxicity in your life. You deserve better. ❤️
But did you heal and how?
This is oversimplified. If you’re the daughter of a narcissistic mother, she saw you as competition, and so belittled you, undermined your self-confidence, found you annoying, etc. But if you’re the son of a narcissistic mother, then she propped you up, built up your self-confidence, accepted you…and maybe even nurtured you, to the point that you actually believed she loved you, despite narcissists being incapable of love.
Ummm…not always the case. Sons can be treated cruelly by narcissistic mothers too.
@@keiras1694 I know what you say to be true but as the scapegoat daughter with a golden child older brother I don't understand it from the perspective of abused son's. I don't understand the mentality behind the mother scapegoating their son's? I relate to anyone with a narcissistic mother regardless of gender but I'm not interested in what golden child suffer. No apologies there from me there but I realise it's not their fault being the golden child.
I can't say my brother was any better off than the girls. My mother was disinterested in all of us.
@@streaming5332 Why did your mother have children? It's beneath contempt a (supposed) mother being disinterested in her own children.
@@charlottelouise209 how do I know.... narcissistic and hypomanic
When I cried out to my mother for help because of the physical abuse and having been molested while not in her care, my mother said to me, “You act like you’re the only kid who’s ever been abused plenty of kids around the world have been molested”😮 And sadly that was just the beginning. I knew that wasn’t nor should it ever have been the response a mother should give. It was when I knew she really hated me. It wasn’t until I grew into adulthood that I realized that the verbal abuse that was imposed upon me could not continue so in an effort to save my life, I finally left home and never returned and I can say it’s been almost 20yrs.
Your mother is just awful. Sorry she wasn't there for you in a time of need.
@@jamesr2888thankyou James, till this day I don’t know how I survived it. I guess they call my generation the Gen-Xers for a reason because our survival tactics are on point.
Good for you!
This is almost identical to my mother. I was sexually abused by my grandfather from 5 years old while my mother was in the next room. When I broke down and told her at 13 she said 'take no notice he does it to everyone " she then left me in stunned tears when went for a regular Sunday visit with him and never said a word to him. It's taken me 50 years to finally cut her off and I am still trying to heal from her constant spite. I hope you are getting the love and healing you need 💗
@@dawnbyrne2628Horrible!!! 😢
I was (begrudgingly) visiting my narc mother for Christmas one year when I was in my late 20s. She started to go into one of her rages, flying off the handle because I was attempting to set a boundary by saying NO to cleaning up her messy house like I had done my entire childhood. As she was flying off the rails at me for this, I secretly filmed her on my phone. She realized I was filming her and was not happy, but as an adult I didn't care because I knew I did not rely on her anymore. I grabbed my keys and drove away while she continued to rage at me from the driveway in the snow, saying how I ruined Christmas, etc... I still have the video footage of her raging, years later and don't look at it often, but when I feel any guilt over not speaking with her and moving far away, I can watch the video and am immediately reminded that I made the right choice to distance myself. Lisa's videos helped gain the courage to distance myself and set boundaries for my own wellbeing and mental health. That Christmas night when I drove away, I went to a friends house and we stayed up all night watching Lisa's videos. It gave me courage and comfort. Thank you Lisa 🥰
Dear survivor s smith,
I can relate with your every word here.
I can relate with every comment in the comments section.
It takes a long time to heal.
Thank God that you "got out alive".
Love Princess Holly of Australia,
hairdresser and saved by the LORD.🕊🌿🌳🌲🌱🌴
The Holy Bible
Psalm 27:10
"Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD shall take me up."
I didn't want kids,either. Too afraid I'd mess them up because I was told I was stupid. Thank God I had an unplanned pregnancy year one into my marriage. Motherhood was/ is great.
Be proud, my friend is divorcing her narky husband, she said something so profound the other day, I need to get this house sold, I can't heal in the place I got sick!!!. He took everything from her, depression and suicide she felt was her only way out. It's no different the way a mother treats you. Anyone that gets away from a narc, know that your on the road to healing.😀
Sounds familiar.
I’m sure I’m not the first to bring this up but she seams borderline as well. I’m sure there is overlap between
When I left home at 17 I was so screwed up I was planning my exit from this world. Not only was my mother a narc, both my father and step-father were pedophiles. My mother was fully aware and supported this. I was the black sheep because I fought back. My entire childhood was all about survival. I was a POW. My sisters were rewarded because they went along with the abuse. Both are completely messed up now in our 60s. One is bipolar/schizophrenic with multiple personalities. I had one child and she changed my life. Here was this little baby who really loved me unconditionally. I was stunned. It was then that I knew I had never known love until she was born. I did everything in my power to make her feel loved. I screwed up many times but I can truly say I did my best with her.
Your fate is terrible. Narcissistic mother and pedophile fathers/stepfathers. Your mother seemed to have hated her children from the depth of her heart. To also abet the abuse on your own children is a crime. Your mother and fathers/stepfathers belong in prison for this. I hope you never left your child in the care of your mother.
Sounds familiar... glad you created a new life for yourself
I get it. Had first child & thought nope, my mother had no inclination to really love me because when the doctor pulled me out with forceps too forcefully, "I " ripped her to her rectum.
Pissed her off for life. When I was a child of 8 or 9, she'd scream at me, "I'll tell you what you did to me when you were born".
Now, every kid understands the little kid mentality involved with something like that.
She honestly believed that if she felt any discomfort at all she could LASH OUT at the "nice" ones in the family.
D.I.D is a disgusting disabilities, that needs to be talk about and needs point to the connection pedophile.
so sorry you and your poor sisters had to go through all that life definitley isnt fair sending u all lots of love and healing i had a narc mother and sometimes i felt like exiting the world as well but like u hun im in my 60s and my twin sister judy as well i still get times about life with my mother and how hard it was and scarey too my heart goes out to u all bless u diane britain uk
For the first time, in my life, I have heard my mother being described exactly how she is.
Same for me too!!
Yes, that's my mother too, unfortunately.
Exactly
Me too
😂
Weirdly it’s comforting to know your not alone ❤
That is so true! Relieves a good chunk of the deep dark aloneness. NOT loneliness, but "aloneness."
How true!
Right it really does thankyou
Others knowing about these people, and putting words to their behavior , let's us know it's not us who are the crazy ones
Definately ❤
A word of advice people. When you go no contact do it long term and surround yourself with only nurturing people in your inner-circle.
This 22 minutes helped more than years of therapy.
I feel the same way. Beautifully clear and to the point.
It’s true. I feel validated, heard, and given hope from just this one video more than from hours with a dozen different therapists. That’s why I gave up on therapists, but my friends don’t want to hear about my troubles either and I was feeling very alone and misunderstood until coming here.
I'm glad. Therapy is a scam.
A friend of mine, who had committed suicide three times but survived, told me she was going to write a book titled 'Your mother is your greatest devil'. At the time, the idea sounded cruel, but when awareness comes, we definitely observe that a large part of the society consists of mentally unhealthy individuals raised by their sick mothers.
Your friend sounds like me. I survived many attempts though my mother kept pushing me to end my life. I would have bought your friends book. A celebrity wrote a book called “I’m so happy my mother is dead “.😂😅 I haven’t read it yet.
Not all mothers are....There are many loving mothers ..But Narc moms are devils yes yr friend is right a Narc mom or dad is hell on earth
لماذا لا يتحدّث الضّحايا من الابناء إلى طبيب نفسي عن الأمًهات و الآباء النّرجسيّين لعلاجهم و مساعدتهم على تجاوز معاناتهم مع أفراد اسرهم عِوَض الهروب و تاليف كتاب بعنوان مخيف : انا سعيدة بموت أمّي .. يا إلهي ما هذا التّفكير .. في ديننا قال الله تعالى في القرآن الكريم عن الوالدَين : .. وَ لَا تَقُلْ لُهُمَا أُفٍّ وَ لَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَ قُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيماً ... مِن القول الكريم علاج نرجسيّة احدهما أو هما معا عند الانتباه لهذا الخطر منهما على الابناء و ليس جعل تراكمات الماضي كرها و إهانة لهما .. لا اتصوّر ابنا أو بنتا تصرخ في وجه والديها قبل أن تطلب مساعدة لهما للعلاج .. اللًهم اجعل الغالية أمّي سيّدة من أهل الجنّة برحمة منك سبحانك و لطفك .. آمين يا ربّ ...آمين
Mine tried to kill my soul as well didn’t work because my soul belongs to only God 🙏🏻
@@norama3998 أنت شخص محظوظ لأن لديك أمًا ناضجة. الأشخاص الذين رأيتهم هم الأشخاص الذين يتسكعون مع صديق ابنتهم. ولا يمكنك تفسير ذلك بالتعاليم الدينية. الشر النقي الخطيئة النقية.
I was the kid who was the bullied kid by everyone at school. Coming home to a narc Mom, it was exhausting, depressing and I could never relax. Everything was minimized and I was the problem. Nothing ever felt safe or stable for me. She was the most revered, community pillar of a person. No one believed me until my Aunt caught her demeaning me one day. I call that the day I was set free from her grip. I was 20 and it's taken me a long time but I work at it everyday.
The truth set you free
I feel your pain my experience was so similar 😢it’s very difficult. I’m learning to finally love myself.
This is my exact experience!!!
Wow, same! I never felt safe when I was at school, and never felt safe at home. It was horrible. I was bullied at school, and then went home to a narcissistic, abusive mother. It was a nightmare, and why I'm in therapy now. Very difficult to get through.
Same thing is happening to me and yes my Aunt woke me up by just listening and guiding rather than being shut down for self expression so yea I agree.
My mother went from praising me at random to telling me she hates me to my face because I would call out her B.S. She has NEVER admitted fault in her entire life. Sad deal.
I was mother's Scapegoat, punching bag. I was forced to be perfect, approval seeking, forced to take care of my oldest spoilt sister, take her punishments, my mother humiliated me, hit me, called me names, forced to take my sister's rejects, work harder than my other 4 sisters etc. I became Needless and Want less, had anxious-avoidant disorder, Controling, couldn't ask for help, Codependent. I didn't date for most of my life, because of being a workaholic. Now I'm 54, single and jobless, forced to take care of my elderly mother. Yes, didn't want children. The pain in my childhood override having kids. I love my nieces but couldn't see having my own children. Yes, had no self confidence. I was a Human Doing not a Being. Thank God for RUclips 🙏 . Making sense of my life. Thanks Lisa. ❤
You are enough❤️
Have you put your mother in a nursing facility? Does she have a caretaker, from a home health agency, paid by Medicare? You need your own life, and therapy, Dear. She doesn't love you, nor deserve you.
@@lisaaromano1 Lisa, you're a Godsend. Love you, your work and bought all of your books! I'm your biggest admirer, 😘😘😘😘
@@quoteme.goddess6957 I now am going to get home care. I have some free time, as an ex Cancer survivor, the social services here in UK recognise I need rest. Thanks for your idea. I probably will later. ❤
Boy wonder was the covert narc mothers favourite blue eyed Boy! I guess once "he" came along(big huge mistake on my part!) She dropped me like a hot potato!
People who knew my mother's public self still go out of their way to tell me how great she was. She did So much for the community and also for a few of my friends. That led to further hurt and confusion as to why she would be so loving toward seeming strangers and so terrible toward her own children.
Thank you for this video.❤
YES!
Everyone thought my mom was so funny. Unfortunately, I was the butt of her jokes. If I spoke up, then I was berated for being disrespectful. It taught me to be everyone's doormat.
Same here!
1,00000% accurate!
i have done nothing but cry my eyes out trying to make it so this isn't true about my mom in my mind but it is.
My mom wanted to keep me from enjoying life in general. She’s one that has manipulated me, threatened me, verbally abused me, and wants to keep me to herself, trying to dictate every phase in my life. I’m glad I went no contact for my health and well being, it’s not worth the emotions.
I went no contact also. Getting away from the toxic environment starts the healing.
@@bencrow1298 without a doubt, you have to establish control for yourself.
I went no contact for 17 years but felt tremendous Catholic guilt about it the entire time. I don't feel guilty anymore. She didn't deserve me. I had to break contact and try to live. In general I failed. Never married never had kids and I know she never wanted me to be happy because when I was, she wasn't. She liked to watch me cry. As a teen I'd cry for hours. I was so lonely. Never as much as the touch of her hand or a kind loving or wise word to comfort me. Nothing.
👍
One of my most memorable times I saw my mother for who she was: “ I was 14yo at the dentist, she was standing in the doorway while I was seated in the dentist’s chair. He turned to her and said, “You know your daughter is pretty and she should have braces put on not only for self esteem for her smile, but to correct her bite.” My mom looked right at me and said, “No.” The dentist looked puzzled and sad.
My mother used to stand if front of the mirror and gaze at herself all the time. She spoke always of how beautiful she was. She rarely cooked a meal or cleaned house. Her two golden daughters became just like her.
When I grew up, finished nursing school, married and financially could I got my teeth and bite corrected. I knew at a deep level if the dentist had suggested braces for my two older sisters she would have said yes.
She loved to embarrass me in front of people.
I didn’t think much about how she was, her rages, her direct hateful behavior until I got older.
My sisters thought she was a “wonderful” mother, no surprise they are just like she was😢
The crazy thing is I gave her money, took her out to eat, paid her utilities, anything she needed. When I would give her a Christmas or Birthday gift she would tell people it was one of my sister’s gift to her. She had no boundaries with me. I couldn’t confide in her because she would tell everyone. Just an awful person, really. But I still loved her. Go figure.
My experience was the same. Still my sister is treated differently & as much as I've done for her never given credit or love 😢 I still struggle with this as it continues today.
You don't love her, you love your beautiful feelings to her.
You can't buy her love. Shes not capable of loving anyone. You were the one she couldn't control. You should be proud of that. The only person you have control over is YOU.
The "lonewolf" part got me. That's how I feel all the time!
I'm 50 and never had children because I felt i was mentally unfit and because I feared my mother would hijack the relationship and raise the child the same way she raised me. I am definitely right about the latter point.
I'm a dude in mid 50s and felt the same. Never married and no children
I would not let my mom live with me and my 2 kids after my div. Power games. It made me have eczema.
@@carolsaia7401 stress causes eczema?
@@boxelder9147 It did for me
@@JasmineReiki I googled and stress CAN trigger exzema
I just cut my Narcissistic MOM out of my life at 46. Her Toxicity ruined My Eldest Daughter. I learned a lot... Always defensive, entitled, I was always wrong, something was always wrong with me and everything I did .. Mock me in front of my other children,and husband. I've been a loner my whole life, hidden emotions etc... I cry to myself a lot. I was recently diagnosed with MDD. IM COPING. IM TRYING😢❤
I am so sorry. 😢😢😢
Great. Well done.
Sending you hugs 🫂❤❤
Love u Glen stay strong xoxo I'm glad you cut contact
Thank You Everyone. Your support helps!
I'm 57 yrs old. I still haven't figured out what my mother's issues were. She basically ignored me, couldn't hear a word I said, didn't hug me, or show me love, support or guidance. Public school was her best friend cause she could get rid of my brother and I several hours a day. She spent all summer ignoring us. Since we were Gen X we were feral and were outside or gone for hours on bikes. Now she has Alzheimer's and denies ever being a mother. I've spent my whole life at a handicap from the rejection. Ive been married 40 yrs and have raised 7 kids. Tried my best to overcome. But I can relate to others who grew up without a decent mother in their life. I really understand.
I describe myself as a feral child also. Do not remember any affection, acceptance, validation, or encouragement. I tell people that I raised myself, or I was raised by my dog...until my mother gave her away.
@@anntrope491 she gave your dog away too? I got my cuddles n affection from my pets as a child. When I see my girls taking such good care of their babies I just can't believe I had a mother who just had no affection for my brother and I.
That's how a woman acts when she's forced or pressured into having children she never wanted. My mother was the same.
You can blame the sick, evil "pro life" movement for all this misery.
@celestejacobs7386 I agree up until the prolife being the problem. My mother had access to birth control. And she told me she planned her pregnancies. Because of course I asked her if she was "happy" when I was born. That was my child's perspective on trying to ask her if she wanted me. Also she told me that my father had a vasectomy after my brother was born. To really put into perspective the mindset of my mother. As well as your statement on the prolife people being to blame...While searching for validation and love I ended up pregnant myself at age 14 yrs. My parents forced an abortion upon me. Which was the most humiliating, physical assaults ever perpetrated upon me. I spent many years dealing with this loss. Today I mostly feel as if I've had a child murdered in my life. Abortion is not a saving grace. In fact there are many of us who were victimized thru it. And most suffer silently bc every time we point that out we are attacked by prodeath proponents along with already dealing with the great loss. Blanket statements usually aren't useful.
@@BrassyBrunette Sorry you were pressured into an abortion when you didn't want one, but having a child at that age would have been worse. 14 years old is far too young to be a parent.
Embryos are not "children", by the way. Most of them get flushed down the toilet on used tampons.
My mother did the opposite of neglect....always in my business, feigned concern, deliberate wrong advice & put downs.
That was my problem with my mother I would ask for advise and she would tell me the wrong answer
@@happygucci5094 ha ha that's a good one. I am happy 2 b the robot the monster programmed. Nobody will ever know the real moi....no human deserves my trust & no one will ever get it! Comprende? Capeche.
First time I have seen someone else say deliberate wrong advice - my experience as well. Can’t believe the things she told me to do to this day
My dad does that
I'm so glad I'm not alone in this my mom can be extremely affective sometimes but mostly only when she think I look good or pretty she even straight up tell me to my face that she only love me because my face is clearer than before and even tell me compare to my friend I'm not that special
I didn't have a mother. I lived in a house with an angry, loud, chaotic, vicious, resentful, controlling, performative drama queen whose reign of terror ended only when I moved out of the house at age 18. Thank god for the therapists who helped me long before the term "narcissist" was commonly used. I'm thankful for the wisdom, insight, and understanding they gave me so that I could form loving relationships, and love my children the way I always wanted to be loved: the way I saw mothers loving children in movies and tv, and how my friends' mothers loved them. I'm glad there is much more awareness of this form of abuse today.
Me too. And you just described my "mother" too.
Very glad you are doing well!
❤ wishing you a great recovery
My mother sounds very similar to yours: loud, chaotic, seems to thrive off drama, constant strife. If things are going too smooth she’ll pick a problem out of thin air and have a complete meltdown. She’ll talk and talk and talk. There’s no dialogue. She just wants you to listen and not speak hardly no matter the subject. And she loves to lecture until you feel as though you will burst. Ugh. She will be rude to store clerks or drivers out on the road and is absolutely shocked if they are rude back 😂 how dare they?! It’s exhausting and their emotional dis-regulation eventually takes its toll on those closest to them. I know I have all kinds of health problems but my mother is healthy as can be…
@@smakkdat sounds familiar. Get away from her. You don't need to be traumatized any more. It takes a long time to rebuild yourself and i wish you the best.
Being afraid to have children is not just a problem for females who grew up with a narcissistic mother, but males as well. I am an adult, male senior, and I have no desire to have children because of the way I was brought up. I didn’t have an example of how raise a child properly , so I was afraid to have children as a consequence.
You hit the nail on the head. As a child I would wake up every day to her screaming at the top of her lungs and it made me feel like why was I born. I remember crying out to God questioning my existence and still when I have a rough day these feelings tend to resurface. I pushed myself to graduate high school early so that I could move out and I did, but I then became anorexic. I married at age twenty only to realize that I married my mother !!! After five years of that he’ll I divorced him but I continued to date the wrong type of men. I finally stopped dating in my early fifties and to this day I haven’t been on one single date (I’m now turning 65 in December). Needless to say I never had children but I’ve always had pets and pretended that they were my children. So now my mom is turning 92 soon and needs a caregiver and because none of my three siblings would step up I am now my mothers caregiver and still going through the insanity but at least she doesn’t scream anymore. I always new that she was the crazy one not me (even as a small child) but I feel that I won’t be able to heal until she passes. I’m sorry this was so long but I had to get this out, it’s the first time I’ve talked about this other than to God so thank you for listening.🙏
I feel exactly like You ! My Mom was , and still is Demon possessed! I found out 2 years ago at 60 , and She was 82 that She’s a Narcissistic Sociopath! I’m not interested in Men either , I’ve been by myself with My Animals for 5 years ! I’ve just decided a couple of days ago to go no contact ! I just moved out of State and closed on a New Home , and She still plays Head games ! I can’t do it anymore, and of course She has hid Her Mental Illness for 82 years , She’s 84 ! I was Her Supply ! She is seriously Demon possessed, I had to live with Her waiting to close on My Home , and I could tell when the Demons would enter ! I’m living on a Mountain away from everyone except My Beautiful Daughter, and I’ve never been happier 🥰GOD Bless You ! I understand exactly what You are saying 💕❤️
@@monabarber2335 I know what you mean, I can tell when the devil enters my mom too !!! I even told her and she claims that she wasn’t aware of it so I told her that the next time it happens I’ll point it out but I don’t know how the demon is going to react. I’m sure that it won’t be pretty. Good for you for getting away and congratulations on your new home. Thank you for sharing.🙏💕😊
@@pinkysbooks994 You know In Ephesians GOD warns Us of this . He even calls it a Jezabel Spirit, He says in Ephesians that We wrestle not against Flesh and Blood 🩸 but of Wickedness and Evil ! Animals are My Soul Mates , they bring Us such happiness ☺️Unfortunately I had a Demon possessed Dad , and He was literally a Monster 👺 I suffered abuse in every way possible! It’s a wonder 💭 I’m still Sane , only by the Grace of GOD 🙏💕
I’m so sorry Your the one left taking care of Her ! That’s always how it goes , the one who was abused the most has to be the Caregiver 🙄Your a Wonderful Person !
@@monabarber2335 I do remember that scripture 🙏 I’m so sorry that you had to suffer from all that abuse. I’m glad that my dad was very mellow but fun, he passed away 23yrs. ago and I miss him so much.😢 He had a massive stroke at age 43 and died for a minute and a half but to him it was a day and a half. Before that happened he didn’t believe in God but when he came back he told me the whole story of what happened and he said that he was stupid then but now he knows and he believed in God ever since. So at least I know that he’s in heaven and I can’t wait to see him again.🙏💕😊
When I was a child, I didn't realize how dysfunctional my mother was. She didn't drink in excess but she was very passive aggressive and would insult me - particularly regarding my weight. She encouraged me to overeat and not exercise and would take the opportunity to belittle me. As I grew up, I began to figure a lot of things out. As an adult, I made the decision to move away to another state with my 3 kids (and then husband) and her nastiness and cruelty went full on! She was a horrible person to me the last 26 years of her life. When she died, I was relieved. While I've made mistakes as a Mom, my kids and I have a good relationship. My mother taught me how NOT to be as a human being/mother. At the age of 62, I still struggle with healthy self-love. I'm working on it. Thank you for this.
My mother did the same - criticize my weight and then ply me with sweets - like what? You note here makes me realize it was intentional on some level - just figured that out. Thanks.
My parents used to tell me "we love you UNCONDITIONALLY and nothing can ever change that". That never made any sense to me, everytime they said it I only left more confused. Her behavior/emotions/favor ALWAYS had a conditional feel.
That is incredibly confusing especially for a child to try to make sense of.
That was then virtue signaling. Trust your gut instincts. Look up the work of Gabor Mate and The Crappy Childhood Fairy. Get a good counselor. Consider being guided with plant medicine.
My mother never uttered the words “I love you” at any point in my life.
She did say it to my children, Of course.
Everyone else tried convincing me that she loved me though. I always knew better
@@SuraDoes it is. I have since learned that God isn't the author of confusion
I married a financial controller, horrible man
Trust Issues... check. Lone Wolf... check... Fear of losing control...check.... Fear of having children OMG....!!! check....that was eye opening.... I am blown away. Number of reasons why I didn't want children but high among those was the "knowing" that I wouldn't make a good mother..... I am learning about narcissism and realizing that my mother was a narcissist at 55... 😞
Me too 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
I didn’t figure it out till I was 58
61 when my eyes were opened to that truth..
My mother determined my career - I must be a doctor to make her look good. While my parents were away on vacation, I dropped out of pre med college and enrolled in a nursing program. She was enraged when she returned and found out! She said to me: " I always knew you weren't college material".
It must have felt good to do something for you instead of her. Good for you!
My mom wanted me to go to college so bad she talked about it every day I just didn’t want to i didn’t know what I wanted to do. She didn’t care I don’t know how she even thought I was gonna pay for it.
When I had my first child at 27, I was grown woman, I decided to be a stay at home mom, my husband was supportive, we decided to have a big family, which was everything I ever wanted. We moved to another country due to my husband's job.. My mom was so embarrassed that I was stay at home mom that she lied to people about my choice. Due to my pregnancies I gained weight, whenever I would see her she would say that my weight is embarrassing and she would always make rude comments about my appearance. My dad once told me that my mother is jealous of my beauty and because I married a man who loves me. That messed me up. 😢😢
OMG, at a fairly young age I remember saying to myself "I don't want to have any children because I don't want them to feel about me like I do about my mom" I have never heard anyone bring this up! Thank you!
I didn’t have children because my narcissist mother told me around weekly from my time in the cradle, “you don’t want children”, as if having children had ruined her life. What a thing to say to her own child. She was a payroll clerk fgs. The only reason that this failure had children was so that she could have something to control and live through. She did not have a maternal atom in her body, I decided that I wouldn’t have children unless I really, passionately wanted them.
My mother was physically & mentally abusive. She hurt us all. She was immature, angry, hurtful, cruel & entitled. She still is. Shes selfish, mean, needy a total CONTROL FREAK.
Yet she can't see it nor does she accept responsibility for her abuse even now she blames us for being treated badly. We were BAD from birth!
I can't believe that at the age of 75, i am only just coming to terms with myself. Its only a couple of years ago that i discovered that the reason i froze and couldn't talk, was down to selective mutism. In this video, you have described exactly my relationship with my narcissistic mother. Im feeling very emotional in my self discovery. How many of my years have been wasted. Thank you for the revalidation. ❤
Definitely felt like a bother. My basic needs were ignored. If I asked for something I needed (like period products) I was screamed at and told "we don't have the money to buy everything you want." She and her husband (not my dad) enabled each other to treat me and my siblings however they wanted. This was physical, mental, and sexual abuse. There's much more, but I just post this here to let others like me know YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤ YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID
Feminine products are a necessity, Iam so sorry you had to go through that. I always ask my daughter if she needs some products
I’m
So
Sorry ❤
My mom ignored everything that she did not want to be true, like abuse from her terrible boyfriend. I was eleven!!!!! I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about those days.
I could never figure out why my Mother hated me so much. The physical, verbal and emotional abuse was so horrific. YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!!! I was so afraid to have children because I thought I’d be a monster too. I also thought, well… if I have kids, maybe I’ll understand why she’s like this. It only confused me more! I could never ever, be mean, hit, mock, belittle, degrade or humiliate my children or ever be jealous of my beautiful daughter. I grew up comforting myself with food and have suffered from depression since I was 12 years old. I wonder what I could have been had I been truly loved and supported. I’ve been NC with my Mother for 20 years as of today.
Just because you’re raised by one, does NOT mean you are one. Remember that.
Now…. Be very careful of marrying a narcissist. Divorcing a narc is the most awful thing ever. That’s a whole other post. Stay safe out there, friends.
Thanks, Lisa. New sub.
I need to divorce one but don't dare
This sounds almost exactly like my story. Narcissistic parents, married and divorced and Narc. I have beautiful twins - a boy and girl, 10 years old. I am not a perfect parent but I am not like my mother and pray to God I will never be.
I changed when I had my son and raised him with only love, never hitting him just negotiating, distracting as a young child. I guided him the right way gently and with love and fun. He's an amazing young man now. Thank God I didn't act like my parents.
Most people don't know what it's like to not be raised by savages who hit children; whether it be teachers, "care givers," or parents.
I did the same. I didn't parent him in any way like my mother. I thank God for his alcoholic father - I went into the Al-Anon program and learned a different way of life! My son and I have a wonderful relationship
Same. Although i question if I was a little too soft, now.
Amazing, I am doing same with my two boys ♥️
Ditto but with my two daughters. They changed my life❤
Lived in a state of abject terror
She controlled me absolutely I could scarcely breathe
Thank you, Lisa
Yes. Everyone loved my mom
My dad called her a home devil and street angel. But only thought of himself. Never occurred to him that I needed him to protect me from her. Milquetoast. Ruined my life up until now
My mom used to get mad at me, take me to counselors, and say something was wrong with me because I didn’t share feelings. Yet she was always crying, screaming, catastrophizing, dramatizing her emotions that I just got quiet and shut out my emotions because hers were so intense.
Sounds similar to my sister. I go very quiet the more emotional and reactive she gets. I stay away from her now.
It was nearly impossible to detect what was real and what wasn’t. I’m very good at compartmentalization. I’m calm in emergencies. Children of narcs make great first responders.
LOL that's exactly what my mother did to me. She complained to my friends that I would never confide in her. But when I confided in her, she would interrupt me after the first few sentences and say that I was just stealing her time and getting on her nerves with my "stuff".
Wow, exact same.
Emotional invalidation is as damaging as hitting, yelling etc. Emotional detachment from my mother saved me (I was 11 years old).
As a female child of a narcissistic mother, I have been drawn all my life to narcissistic men and shunned the nice guys, as they seemed so foreign. So glad for these videos to help me see the truth, “turn the ship around”, as you say, and seek healthy relationships with good men and good people in general.
Same here. But the question is, how. How do we get ourselves to go in the direction of healthy, when it's just not natural to us
@@lauriepierce6119 for me, therapy and learning through videos like these and reading materials have really been helpful. Best of luck to you :)
Me too
It’s not easy though. We don’t find good guys interesting Bcz we have been through dramas and bully. So we do fall to someone who is toxic and harsh on us
@@Crowwillbe yes, but I’ve gotten pretty sick of it
She did apologize to me when she was dying...and it was a true, sincere apology. I am grateful for this
She was apologizing out of fear of where she was going......straight to hell!
Sorry and sadly you can guarantee that apology was for herself not for you.
whatever the reason for the apology i'm glad it came and you were able to hear it, that can be such a healing thing if you waited and hoped the words would one day come🌻
Some moms will wait till they’re in their dying phase to do that. There were times where my mom choked me for no apparent reason and I still don’t understand why she would do that. That’s what kind of childhood trauma I had to endure.
Well this proves they’re self-aware because the whole time she knew she was hurting you so badly that she had to apologize before going to hell. 😢 They hurt us on purpose! Evil hearts 😭
Love is conditional…the lesson my mother repeatedly taught me til I was 40 years old
My mother is the biggest red flag , keep growing as grow man , never stop learning ☺️ my own red flag mother created a strongest independent man
Me too 🫶🙏 every day is a healing day ❤️🩹
@@randomchannel83838 every day is à healing day.... yess just till one you are simply living instead of surviving your NM effects and damage . Take care
You said it a strongest independent man but remember they are scared insecured because of what has happened to them was passed on from the dysfunctional family dynamics!
Yep me too
@@tonygoncalves2928 thank you 🥹💓
4:08
#1 questioning if your reality is real or what the Narc tells you
#2 trust issues bc parent is not reliable and switches behavior and opinion every second
#3 being a "Lone wolf" bc it is not safe to need anyone (you were a bother / burden to your parent so you learnt to be alone)
#4 you burn the candle at both ends bc you have trouble asking for help
#5 poor self care because you think you are not worthy of setting boundaries to others
#6 fear of losing control - extrem self control, or control of surroundings (eating disorders, being rigid about time etc.)
#7 flight fight freeze fawn
#8 you attract narcissistic, ego-centered people bc they feel subconsciously like "home" (cycle of repitition)
#9 fear of having children bc we dont want to put our kids through what we had to go through
#10 insecure sense of self worth
ABSOLUTELY TRUE - THANK YOU
WOW thank you!!!
Wow! This is my reality. My mother is a narc and I have lived my adulthood alone. No friends, no boyfriend, no kids. I just want to be left alone. I have ptsd, depression, anxiety and overeating disorder and dissociation disorder. My older brother is also a narc and much like my mother. Its never their fault, they hurt others and no matter what its always your fault. I can't ask for help I would rather struggle and suffer through instead of speaking up. It was gross in my mothers eyes to show love to anyone. We never spoke those words because of how she made it seem like it was wrong or dirty. She would wish us dead or that we were never borned. It angers me that she and my older brother can make people believe their perfect and everything is a lie. As an adult I call my mother out on my childhood and it makes her angry and defensive and it "never happened." This is so eye opening. Ty for this ❤ I now realize how I ended up where I'm at.
I am 65 years old and have just learned I had a narcissistic mother. I can’t imagine, trying to retrain my brain now.
It’s ok if it takes you the rest of your life. And that goes for younger people too. I found out my mother was narcissistic in 2011. I’m 72 now and still doing the inner work. That’s fine.
You can retrain your brain. It will take time but read whatever you can or listen to videos, and know that you can feel better. It’s really up to you!
I am 63 and just start to learn and I "threw" my phone away..... for her....
Same here
@@MariaElena51185 thank you I’ve had counseling and it has helped a great deal to the point where I no longer have asthma which I’ve suffered from for years and I know that was the cause she’s not here any longer and I am trying to forgive her daily. Fortunately, I know Jesus and he is helping me as well. Thank you.
Having a narc mother made me think my marriage was normal.
When I finally escaped from my husband, not only did she rage at me for staying so long, but belittles me to family and her friends as to how I ALLOWED the abuse! Thank God for my therapy!
For those of you decided to leave as soon as you could, I applaud you. It must have been so hard, but I’m sure you’re much happier than if you had stayed. One of my biggest regrets is moving back home after college. I almost escaped, but COVID hit, I felt lonely and thought “maybe moving back home with my family would make me feel better.” Huge mistake. Get away as soon as you can!
I really appreciate your awareness of how challenging it can be to get away. I was able to do so relatively early. Looking back, it's something I'm grateful for from my first *narcissistic husband. We moved far enough away to support getting away. Whereas my current husband, 15 yrs my senior, never really could. In part, bc we lived 10 min away. I feel for your situation as well. I've watched how equally tough it can be to "stay". I hope you eventually get the space you need.
I left physically at 17. But I could never escape mentally. 🙁
I left home at 18. I can remember feeling lonely for a parent in my twenties and thinking ..hmm.. do I have a parent? At that age I didn’t realize a father could also be a confidant to a daughter. I would go home and my mother still didn’t see me.
Just recently I read somewhere that , in their 20s , is a time when children often seek parental guidance.
I had to READ THAT and PROCESS IT ALL THESE YEARS LATER? ! I’m nearly 60
For fu**ssake!!
My point is this: what you were feeling was very normal. What’s not normal is that we never had parental guidance. We WERE the parent.
We left, yes. But we still seek the parent we never had. Some of us have had to learn how to parent each other .
Good for you that you are gaining understanding at an early age.
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s going to be a process. And you’re not alone.❤️
@@heymickey4125 I get that. Completely.❤️
I ended up telling her after my stuff was gone and wouldn't tell her where I lived for a while I was too scared to, not knowing how she would react.
This is mind-blowing video to me. I'm a grown man trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother and EVERYTHING you describe matches perfectly!
Fortunately I realized very early that something is wrong and did the best I could to isolate from her. It's not possible for a child to do it completely so she managed to
inflict some damage. It took a lot of time for me to heal it.
Glad it helped
Same ❤
My mom was exactly like this. She felt entitled over everyone. Nobody realized what my mom was like for decades. They all finally realized what she was and she complained about being lonely when everyone started cutting her off but she never stopped being a narc. She just blamed everyone else and never took reaponsibility for her behavior
Ditto. It’s everyone else’s fault. No self awareness whatsoever. Never will be.
My mother had 4 DWIs, none of which were her fault. She lived to 75 & never changed. In fact, she got worse. At the end she was like a bratty 5-year-old.
Ugh it’s been 6 years no contact. One of the best decision in my life. Should of done it decades ago. Toxic people are dangerous. Narcissistic mothers don’t love their children and get super angry when the children don’t love them and wouldn’t give two shits about them. Crazy right.
I have never read a more accurate description of my relationship with my mother. I have four siblings who all had different experiences. The “hero sibling” tries to narrate our whole existence as a family like a fairytale where my mother comes out a perfect angel. Her stories are what made me start standing up, and questioning , hey wait a minute, I think we had different mothers. Now she paints me as a nervous, crazy person that shouldn’t be believed. Very damaging but the validation helps more than I could ever imagine. Thank you so much and for all the comments too. It really helps to know you’re not alone and that people believe you.
I have a sibling like this too. My mother is an angel in her opinion, and now looking back on childhood my mother treated all us siblings a little differently. Two of my sisters who were the most submissive seem to have better memories of our collective childhood. Honestly my childhood was good even though my mom was screaming a lot and always fighting with my father and always overwhelmed and having meltdowns, she didn’t single me out until I hit puberty. Then my mom was became rather cruel to me and it caused damage to my soul unfortunately. And no she didn’t become cruel to me because she felt threatened by my beauty when I hit puberty. I was actually rather an ugly duckling and so I had pretty low self esteem as a young teen as well as a mother who seemed almost disgusted by me. It really affected me. I wish I could go back in time and hug myself and guide that young girl 😓. I’m not sure why mom seemed to be repelled by me as I hit my teen years, I have 2 sons now (one is a teen) and yes they can bring out the not so nice side in me sometimes, but they will always know that I love them deeply and unconditionally.
Talk about paranoid, you really do know how to exaggerate. Your poor mother, it's like you expect her to be a saint or something, you could at least try to be a little grateful for everything she did for you. Don't forget how much of a pain in the ass you were, and still are so much of the time. Pathetic, really.
I feel your pain.
I am so absolutely certain, deep down to my soul, that I am not worthy of a single thing, don't deserve love or care and serve absolutely no purpose that I can't even imagine anything different. I've felt this way about myself literally my entire life. I'm almost 39 and I began to understand these things about myself probably 33 years ago. The first time I recall feeling like a broken, disgusting burden I was 6 years old. I've never known anything else.
Well you are in the right place now, dearheart! 🤗
Wonderful info and people here who share your path
The Story of My Childhood! At 74 I’m just really coming to terms with it!
I’m 62. I know! It’s terrible.
Mine never told me she loved me
@@Wow-2375 I’m sorry that happened to you. Mine didn’t either. It’s a terrible feeling! No one deserves to be treated this way.
Its so far reaching i am 70 and still battle.
I'm so glad it didn't take me that long. But not far behind you
My mom is a narcissist… in front of my dad she would act like the perfect homemaker … but she wasn’t.. she ignored me most of the day. I was alone a lot. She verbally abused me from 6-15 years of age. I struggle every day with self worth. And I am one of those who feared having children so much so that I thank god I never have had one. I’m afraid I’ll be just like my mom. I’m afraid she raised me to be just like her.
Same here you are loved no matter what your choices they are valid ❤️
Yeah. My mother would lock us out of the house until a half hour before my dad was expected home. We had the routine down. Either locked outside to “play” or expected to stay in the basement until a half hour before he came home in the evenings. We put on a show for my dad. That is why he doesn’t understand why I don’t want anything to do with her as an adult. She also gaslights when we say anything about the past. There were other things she did neglect was real at our house, pretending was normal. We learned most things from tv how to act.
@@77Tadams yes me too,I learned how to be/act from watching tv. My mom would go the whole day without talking to me. So my only interaction was the tv.
Thank you Lisa for explaining all this. Took me 50 years to realise my mother is a major Narcissist and major manipulator with others who think the sun shines out of her %$#@. She destroyed my intuition, my inner freedom, my sense of self respect, my health, mental health etc. Such a bitter jealous person.
The best revenge is a good life... 🌟
Same here I still find it hard to regulate my own emotions 😢
Thanks! I really thought I was losing it. Now I know why I reacted the way I did all my life. I am 45 years old living with a covert narcissist and now I know what I must do. I believe God wanted me to hear this! May God Bless You Akways!! I don’t have much but this for your well said message!!!
Dear One, thank you from the bottom of my heart! I hope this message helps you breakthrough!
I understand you,my mum is also covert narcissist...they are even most dangerous and less known than the grandiose or maleficent style of npd.
"But she is your Mother " my goodness it makes me feel so guilty when they say that to me
Me too! Sorry you’re going through that.
People have no clue. Don’t let them get to you.
Reply with "but I'm her daughter and she shouldn't do that"
In my culture, they think u must be crazy to say ur parents r bad. They blv blindly that especially mothers can’t be bad with their kids where father could be
Naw.....just remember. That's all
My mother hated me my entire life. She tried to take her life when she was pregnant. I remember when I was around three sitting on the edge of a couch with my mother in my face screaming at me. Her face was filled with disgust. Shee ran her finger up her arm saying " I didn't cut deep enough and here you sit". I was so afraid of what she was going to do yet I was so sorry I was sitting there. I felt like I should disappear so she'd be happy. I wanted to be a mom always though. I was blessed with children. I'm obsessive in letting my children know how much I love and how I wanted them. When they slept I would whisper in their ear over and over" you are so wanted...I love you more than anything". My mother never excepted my babies. Never acknowledged my pregnancies. She was obsessed with my sisters children and spent almost everyday of her pregnancies with her. I was always happy my sister never felt the hurt I did. I adore my two nephews and I'm so glad they have my mother the way they do. They are aware my children, their cousins aren't part of my mother's world. I'm now sixty four and my mother is eighty three. I haven't spoke to her in a year. She's not well and needs help. My sister took her life seven years ago leaving my brother to be her soul caregiver. She has told me throughout her life that she didn't want to live long enough to be in need of my care. I make her skin crawl. I figure the best gift I could give my mother being I always tried to do everything right by her was to remove myself from her life. I'm so grateful I never was her. I strive to be the opposite. I'm at peace with one thing. When I leave this realm I leave with my children knowing how much they were wanted and loved. They are and will forever be the breath of my soul. They are every beat of my heart.
In 55 years I never put two and two together to realize my mother is a narcissist. I always called her self-centered but the more I listened, the more it dawned on me. I have a lot to follow up with my therapist about now. Thank you.
Same here, but finally. . .. the first words I remember my mother ever tellling me, at age three and repeatedly, were, "YOu don't know what you're talking about," in a very taunting tone of voice. HOw undermining was that? I was the youngest of three girls, and she never, ever, said that to the others, only me. I worked hard to win her approval, high honors at school, beauty
queen, all that stuff. Never got into trouble. But yet? Never quite had what it took.But to the outside world? she was the sweetest mother in the world. She was the absolute cruelist, though, to my precious father.
So sorry..my mom was very mean to my dad as well..even though she didn't want us..my dad did..she made him out to be a bad parent so therefore got complete custody & made it very difficult when he was suppose to have his assigned visits..he stopped coming
We are the same age. You are speaking my truth. I am seeing a therapist now mostly because of my mother.
Gosh! You just hit the nail on the head! I never had children because my mother was BPD - and her narcissism was strong. I did NOT want to have a kid and treat them like my mother did me. I have been gaslit my entire life by my mother and my two much older brothers. Everyday was "beat up on Rhandi" day. The only person that did not join in on this was my father....my savior and my love. Dad helped as much as he could. He was to beat up by my mother to be of too much help - but he made up for it by reminding me all the time how much he loved me. Wow - the power trip....now I sit here at 62, my father passed when I was 55 - my mother passed in 2020 - and my oldest brother passed in 2020. So it's just me and one brother left. I have cut him out of my life because he is not good for me and treats me so much like my mother did. Love only comes with great conditions. Im not willing to live under those conditions anymore. So on my own completely :)
Totally up to the point regarding my cold and crazy narcissistic mother. She needed to be the center of attention all the time and projected all her self loathing onto myself. She was never nurturing but rather demanding me to being of service to her as her emotional caretaker.
That’s my experience, too. My mother dumped all her problems on me from when I was 7 years old. She had to be the centre of attention, as did my alcoholic, physically abusive spoilt brat father. If I had realised what she was, I would have severed contact with the pair of them when I left home at 18. Instead, I looked after both of them. I have nothing but contempt for both of them, both long dead.
My goodness,this generation is blessed to have so much information on narcissism.I wish that we had social media 30+years ago like this,but my younger years are defined in these videos.
Yes true but i wonder if as a child if it would matter???
I might not have had the internet but I was onto her game as a very young child. I learned quickly how to distance myself from her and not engage. She’d suck me in occasionally but I caught on fast. I’m not sure how but maybe it was because she hardly acknowledged me at all. So I raised myself and became independent very young. Not that that’s great but it’s the best that could happen in that scenario. She kicked me out at 17, probably because she wasn’t getting enough narc supply. I just didn’t care. Best thing she could’ve done
@@butterflysouthey4497 I was a young adult 30 years ago.Late,late teens.
I have to admit that the main reason I'm not having kids is, actually, not because I think they might suffer in the same way I did. My mother repeatedly instilled in me the idea that being a mother is a terrible burden, and I definitely do not want that burden in my life. I have grown up with that notion so strongly drilled into me, you couldn't convince me in a million years that being a mother is not a terrible burden.
Also, I take motherhood very seriously (witnessing the damage it can cause for the whole of humanity) and I firmly believe that only those women who have no doubt about their calling should be mothers. I have never felt the calling, so I follow my principle and I don't let myself be a mother just because I can, or because I don't want to miss out, or because I "want someone to love/take care of me" (the worst reasons ever).
Plus, the world is really messed up and even though I believe I'd have a lot to offer a child (financial stability, a heirloom, great upbringing, love, understanding, affection, support), the world out there isn't in good shape and it's getting worse by the year, and I wouldn't want to put a child through that experience. So, maybe that sort of empathy counts?
There's also a hidden reason for my decision. I am an only child, and I have no desire to gift my narcissistic mother with grandmotherhood, nor am I willing to pass along her genes, which I consider to be borderline trash, to be honest. It's a sort of payback, too, in a way.
I have the same feeling about having children. When I was growing up, my mother was absolutely miserable and made sure we all knew it. The only joy she seemed to get was from our many animals. However when the animals became too much to care for, we were made to feel responsible for the mess and got an earful of her disgust. The only thing you could do to protect yourself was to just leave the room and let her deal with it herself. Unfortunately I associate her misery with having children. There was never anything I begged God for more than to never be burdened with children of my own.
I love your post Amanda!!!!
I feel the same way about having kids because of my narc mother. I do not connect with kids or want to have the burden of having kids. I feel they are draining and a lot of work because that is what my narc mother would act like even though I am an only child and was an angel growing up.
By the time I was ready for children I was too old and it was too late
My mom always made me seem like simple things I needed and asked for were a burden.. I suffer with this so bad because when someone offers me a glass of water I may be afraid to say yes even if I’m thirsty.. it’s so hard to explain but I finally understand
I have felt that I wasn’t enough my whole life. I never understood why. I always had a fear of abandonment. I also, never understood why. I married a narcissist whom I was addicted to his approval. I chased his small breadcrumbs for a little affection. He cheated on me and left me for a younger woman. I felt the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and unloveable. I never knew what a narcissist was. Thank you Lisa for your very clear videos explaining narcissistic abuse. I also went through 2 years of therapy. I am not healed from all the damage that was done to me, but, I have finally stopped blaming myself for everything. I can’t see the Narcs in my life for who they really are. I am working on trying to build my self esteem again. It is not always easy. No contact is definitely the right way to begin. God bless everyone who has suffered this. Wishing you all a healthy recovery.
Both of my parents are narcs and I talk to neither now . Glad I live on my own and independent at 24! I have a lot of healing to do as well .
I’m trying to get like you! Currently living under the same roof as my narc mom but saving up to get the heck out!
@@AshlynFears you got this ! if you have enough move out . I moved out with just enough to get a apartment to make my way . My 1st apartment wasn’t the best but I had peace . I stayed at my job for a year till I could move up and now I live in my 2nd apartment that I am more comfortable in . You got this girl !! Everything will fall into place when you move out that was my biggest fear that things wouldn’t , and I would have to go back and I over came it . I got blessed with furniture, and things I needed to be on my own . And so will you ! also if you don’t have a credit card work on that ! So you have a extra safety net for rainy days .
Glad you figured it out early and not in your 50’s.
@@amyshehi4731 yes I did not want to be like what I seen growing up or be like my mom she had a lot of trauma she never healed before having me
@@kenzayeec thank you for the words of encouragement! ❤️
Lisa, I didn't think I could finish listening to you. I was getting so physically sick, I thought I'd throw up. Every word you spoke described my childhood. I'm now 67 years old. Even though I know that I was "misprogrammed", I still struggle with subconscious self-worth and self-sabotaging behavior every single day. I feel like I was birthed by a demon and I can't exorcize her DNA out of me for more than a few weeks at a time before the dark forces reappear. You are a genuine gift to humanity in showing us that we struggle because of our childhood, not our conscious choices.
Buckminster Fuller said it best. "A genius is just someone who had the right mother."
When you build a house (life) on an inferior and shaky foundation, you will spend your entire life constantly repairing your house (life) because of the poor initial construction (nurturing).
Body work can help release it.
The ending of your comment resonated with me in more ways than you could ever imagine.
Please start yoga. 🙏 it can help rewire your brain so that you can regulate yourself and stay stable more often for longer and in effect, start to feel safe.
Similar here, 63 and female. Not physically abused but verbal. No help as no father, grand parents or other relatives. Born into an old family, every year a funeral. Please don't put too much weight on your DNA because if your parents or relatives would be criminals doesn't mean necessarily you have to be. Forgive her, at least try and also try to get over it. If you wanna stay alone and feel OK with it so be it. Never compare you or your life with other people, you don't know the whole story. It's too late to have kids but perhaps you can help some children in need. All the best.
I try myself to get on so good as I can.
I found Kabbalah at the age of 40 and was finally able to give myself the foundation that I had always needed and it helped me understand the depths of my mother's ego and selfishness before I even realized that she was a narcissist
I remember I was about nine years old and we were at a PTA meeting. A group of us girls were walking down the ramp inside the school near the cafeteria and I saw my mother with a bunch of other mothers standing there just talking. as I walked up to her she reached her open palm towards me and cupped her hand under my little budding breasts. And said “oh isn’t that sweet, I need to buy Kathy a bra.” It didn’t hit me till years and years later. I guess at the time I might’ve been a little embarrassed but back then I was pretty clueless. Just think of doing that to your daughter in public in front of her friends and a bunch of people who were nearly strangers. The cafeteria was full of families and I would have never thought any mother could be so thoughtless. I’m over it now of course, at 64 but it still is etched deeply in my memory. Shame on her.
Your mother sexually assaulted you in front of your friends and hers, she didn't just embarrass you.That's gross. 😡 I'm sorry you went through that. 😞
I just found out at 63 about narcissism. This explains all about my mother. She’s 86 & robbed me of my family members, even my own children. She lies & makes up stories to tell everyone particularly to gain sympathy for herself. She told me she can do that because she is the parent & even at my age I am still her child. No one will believe her child over her. And she is sooo correct. She is hell as she ages. Sharp as a tack & will live forever as she worries about nothing. Plus she always has someone to blame: was my deceased father & is totally me since his death 12 years ago. 😢
@@cynthiaesposito5774 I hear your pain. I’m sorry. When my parents died, over 30 years ago I was set free in part. I entrapped myself with two more narcs in marriage. Now I’m free of them all…I’m in the process of ending their affects on me. You and I will overcome through God’s power and love. Blessings to you, Cynthia.
I feel you.🤗😇🙏
That’s abuse!
I made the decision not to have children when I was a teenager. My experience was so awful I wouldn’t bring a child into the world. I assumed it was the state of the world. Also I didn’t want my parents using the grandkids as an excuse to demand access. This is extremely helpful. Thank you Lisa!
Same here!
Same here.
@@kathymc234 I'm glad I'm not the only one. Everyone acts like im crazy and weird for not wanting to traumatize another human being
I always knew I would be a good mother, in spite of my weak, angry, unsupportive mother, and I am. Maybe even a better grandmother. I give them all what I never had and wished for. 🙏🏼❤️🕊
@no chains no more we broke chains, dear one. Making healthier people. Much Love to you. 😘🙏🏼❤️
SAME❤️
Hi @ChristinaLW28, @Lalalee Lee. I tried to be "the mom" but I still don't think I was good... I blew it in so many spots. I went from my mother to a cult church, so that convoluted matters. I do think I'm a good mom now that my kids are all young adults. I have one grandson now and I know I'm a good grandma. I'm 52 and really just over the last year have understood my relationship with my mom and cut it off recently and it's so sad 😢
@@shannonrusso3853 don’t think I replied to you. Just the fact you are aware and trying your best, caring about your daughter and having healthy relationships is a great thing! God Bless you, Dearest One. All this makes us stronger, getting closer to God. I wish you much love. 🙏🏼💖🕊
@@christinalw19 Aww Thank you so much! ♡ ♥
Every time I listen I unpeeled unpack another piece of the truth about what happened to me. I stop looking for my siblings to co sign my experience and now see I was looking from validation from them. I see how in many interactions with them they mirror my mothers responses and reactions to me.
I love my siblings but have taken a big step away from this toxicity. I am still learning all the ways I still need to sooth myself find my voice and true feeling.
Same here
Same. I feel you. 🙏❤️🌷🌞🌺🦋
Spot on, sad as it is.
Wow. "Co signing my experience" was a great way to articulate what I have also tried to do given the abuse from my narc mom. My family situation sounds very similar. My siblings are not malignant like she is , but a lot of them still have a lot of strong narcissistic traits and I've had to distance myself from that. Even some of my closest friends I can not truly go into detail about my mom as they have only mostly seen my mom's strategic "good side". I've learned that typically unless the person has truly been a victim of narc abuse themselves, you won't be getting validation from anyone about the narc abuse from your parent as typically they hide who they are pretty well.
TRUTH 🙏🕊️💕
My mother was always angry, usually at me. I think of her with flashing eyes and her mouth in a tight line. After her funeral I came home with my face hurting from smiling while people told me how sweet she was. I guess she used it all up outside the house.
Ouch, that hit home! "You may fear having children." Even as a teenager I knew I was never going to have children. Back then I didn't quite understand why. Now, decades later, it is very clear to me that I chose not to have children, because there is no chance on earth that I would let any child go through what I went through. Today thanks to this video, I learned that this is - yet another - sign of being raised by a narcissistic mother.
It's validating to hear this, because it is still not always an accepted reason.
I am grateful for this video. Thank you
Me too, i refused to have children ( when I still could have them,) for fear of my children going through what I went through, now I cannot bear children anymore at all, so no matter, but I was ridiculously over careful with contraception, eg. I was on the pill ,using condoms and still taking the morning after pill quite regularly whenever I panicked, which was very, very often
It was an ongoing joke with my friends
They laughed at me for the way I was with not having children, it also didn't help that my sister who is exactly the same type of narcissist as my mother started breeding at the age of 14, having multiple children then giving them away once she got bored and wanted her drug fuelled party life back, and leaving them in the care of their abusive fathers to be mistreated, and molested. Wasn't exactly an example I was going to allow myself to follow. No thanks
I felt the same about possibly having a girl! I was so afraid she would be “like me!” I already had a son, and he was a joy, sperm donor was not. 🙄
I remarried a few years later (38 yrs ago, 1984) and one day I was thinking about it, and “the still small voice” said to me, “but YOU are not your mother.” Oh, that’s right. The next month I was pregnant with my wonderful daughter, who has now given us 2 beautiful grand children! 😍🙏🏼
Me too. 😢
Same here. 👍 I very consciously decided at a young age that I didn’t want to have kids, because I didn’t want to put them through what I went through. Then, at age 47, I married the only man I would have been okay with having kids with. Oh, the irony! 😄
I finally understand why now. But I still have confidence issues, eating disorders etc and my mother still is being her same narcissistic self. Not sure what to do.😢
I recently turned 49. Everything you described regarding the narcissistic mother-child relationship was my life growing up. I have so many issues with self esteem, asking others for help, taking on much more than I can handle at work until I nearly burn out. I have always preferred to be alone. I did get married and I had 3 children because I had always dreamed of having a house full of children and giving them the life I laid in bed dreaming about every night. I was able to successfully raise children who were loved and we have a wonderful relationship. It’s so difficult for my husband to understand why I have such a hard time “getting over” my raising (if you would call it that). It is hard for him to understand that my mother started this from birth with me. I can’t just unwire my brain.
Intellectually, I am in thr same boat.
I know what you’re saying. xx
But you can rewire your brain
You can heal from the trauma ut it doesn't mean she deserves a place in your life. I hope your husband starts supporting you, sounds like he's not doing that in this regard. And it's important that he does.
Bless you!
The one thing that really helped me overcome the negativity from my narc mother is having good friends! When you have positive friends around you it will make you realize how crazy and wrong your narc mother is. I realized that most people love and appreciate me. My mother was the only person who constantly had an issue with me so it must be her problem not mine. I don’t take on the emotional burden of my mothers psychological issues anymore. I don’t take anything she does personally anymore. I have finally realized that I don’t need her and I never did. I raised myself on my own and turned out amazing despite her bad parenting.
Beautiful you are strong x
You are so right! When you’re constantly surrounded by people who lift you up, you start to realize you’re not as bad as she says. That’s how my oldest sister became so resilient. She was always on the phone with her friends, going out with them and keeping very strong relationships. She would have made it so far in life and been so successful if she didn’t meet a man that tried to destroy her. I still blame my parents for all the pain my sister went through because she was parentified at such a young age. I am so happy you found people who show you love. You deserve it!!
My parents broke my ability to connect with people by destroying my sense of self, so I'm completely isolated as a 23 year old.
Omg I could never tell my mother this but she was always so wrapped up in her own emotions that I did looking back felt like I was neglected and unloved by both parents. Now I realised why I attracted narcissistic partners (controlling & neglecting). After my narcissistic abuse I’ve had to work so hard on self love and self care! Thank you for this informative video x
I'm grateful to find out that it wasn't me; as an only child, my mom's description is accurately described here 100%. Tears of relief and release of knowing.
Same here, only child as well. 😔 I'll forever have a record on me because of her calling the cops on me and being crazy all because I snuck out trying to just get away, she had me arrested for it once I got home and abused me before the cops got there and then denied she did once they got there. When I moved out at 18 I got all my stuff out then I told her I was moving out and for 2 months I didn't tell her my location because I was scared. 😢
I described my desire to not have children this way: "My desire to have children was BURNED OUT OF ME by my childhood,." Never before has this been validated to be common among us with narc moms. Your videos are so helpful. I not only had a narc mom but a mean bully narc father who was cruel and abusive. Life has not been a piece of cake. It is so helpful listening to you speak, Dr. Romano. Thinking back to my era (age 71 now) a common refrain was that family unhealth was passed from one generation to the next. That played into my thinking HUGELY because I thought I would create a horrendous childhood for any offspring I had. My suffering was indescribable as I grew up, and it became especially difficult in my teen years, when I withdrew from people out of fear. My high school years were the most difficult years of my life because I WAS SO ALONE and I did not know how to behave around others. I had no role modeling whatsoever, in fact it was negative role modeling. I found that I had to watch other people to TRY AND LEARN how to behave around people. I was unknowingly very self-absorbed. For a long time It was almost a blessing that I had a severe case of endometriosis and was unable to conceive. Now I realize that was wrong thinking, that I might have been a good mom, but probably only after maturing substantially, which took well into my 30's, being that screwed up,. My emotional growth was severely delayed. It took going to a shrink finally at age 35 after marrying a man who was a narcissist and could have even been a malignant narcissist -- causing my suffering to increase so much I had to save my sanity. A therapist helped me tons. Yep, life has not been easy !!! My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat, to add another dimension of misery!!!! My parents have been gone for 18 years now and I was finally set free and am loving life.
Decided never to inflict life on anyone by having children . Allways mystified by those that wanted to have children .
Thank you. I knew my Dad is narcissistic and suspected my mother was, and this confirms for me my suspicions. I secretly have lived in pain for a long long time. I never had children b/c I was so scared that I wouldn’t have any of the right tools to raise a loved child. It’s too late for me to have kids, but now I know that what I felt and what I thought was real. My Mom died young and I didn’t visit her on her deathbed. She was so nasty to me for my whole life she didn’t earn my respect. I harbor lot of resentment and anger and hate, but, I’m okay. Your videos are helpful.
Regarding self care- I was bullied at school for having poor hygiene because I was never told how often to bathe never really told to bathe. Meanwhile my GC sister had her hair brushed and set in rollers at night. I've been in denial for a long time.
She did that on purpose. These mothers feel entertained watching us suffer
@@ekkamailax that's the worst part - realising they gain pleasure from your pain
I was in the same condition, had poor hygiene my whole life. She stopped giving me attention right before puberty, she didn't instruct me about how to care for myself, why it was important, as though my neglected and poor image was ok for her. She just didn't care. all I remember is that she was far and distant and constantly judgemental. I used the oil bottle instead of shampoo once because I confused them, and I couldn't even understand why my hair was so sticky, I went to school anyway because I was late and everybody mocked me. Sometimes I felt guilty if i used the bathroom, cause in my family there was this kind of feeling of being prohibited to care too much for themself, actually nobody cared for each others.
@@carolinekamya2339 it’s really eye opening to realize mothers do this abuse to daughters. I used to think it was only to sons as a way for them to project their hatred of men.
@@ekkamailax Good to open our eyes.
At 10 yo I came across the poem Children Learn What They Live and it struck home for me. But it wasn't until the death of my 18yo daughter and the grief counseling that I am still going through did I realize that effect that my mother had on me and how I never felt good enough. I use to joke that my mother tried to kill me. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. To this day, she tells EVERYONE what an awful person I am, trying to diminish how other's view me....even my children before they stopped going around her. This video has been so illuminating and validating. Thank you.
I have tears in my eye...Everything is so true...And the fear of having children is something I felt since highschool..and I remember I was saying/feeling the exact words " I will never make children...I don,t want children...Why bring a baby into this suffering life...why make a baby go through the same suffering/unloving life I went..." 😔
So true and so sad everything you said...Thank you and God bless you and all the survivors of narcisist abuse 🙏
I cried too listening to this ❤️
Same here 😢
I had a narcissistic mother AND stepmother. I feel like I need therapy every day sometimes. I think the worst part is when you open up and get your experiences dismissed immediately and you are in so much pain.
I swear I could write this same thing about my childhood. It’s so sad…
Yes. If I said anything, she used it as leverage to torture you with.
My siblings and I - 5 of us - had 2 narcissistic parents. None of us has ever had a good relationship. Single most of our adult lives and we are in our 50s now. SO hard to love yourself or believe anyone else could when your parents did not. You hit the nail on the head with every single point. Thank you.
You are absolutely right. I still find it hard to believe that anyone loves me.
My sister was defending our narc dad by saying "he didn't molest us. There are so many ppl out there that are worse off." I told her if she has to lower the bar that low in order for him to "pass" that is pretty sad.
Another characteristic is pitting sibs against each other and stone being competitive. Big check there!
My mother died almost a year ago and I have to say the relief is well over the loss. My sister who is childless by choice thinks she deserves to have unfettered access to my 11and 12 yr old kids without my presence. We have gone NC and are staying NC. Now that my mother is dead, I don't have to do ANYWHERE near the work, time $ my mother demanded and sis benefitted too.
The upside of it all was when I told my kids about the reason why we don't have family anymore my daughter told me "it's ok mom. Auntie is being manipulative!! That not good for your mental health.!" At 12, she already recognizes what is healthy or not. I was hiding the dysfunction and letting my mom get away with more than I should have bc she was dying from cancer. Now, I'm free and so are my kids!!🎉
I actually had a physical reaction when watching this. Every single thing you said was spot on. My narc mother was a nurse and everyone thought she was wonderful. If I didn’t eat my dinner however, as she was an awful cook, she would pick the food up with her hand and scrub it in my face. I’m 46 now and can still remember the rage on her face
My mother was also a nurse and a high level nurse manager who everyone in the community adores. She never once said 'I love you'. Never ever. Not even now. From as young as I can remember she used to say to me 'never have kids they ruin your life'. She was also an awful cook and I'm a vegetarian now as a result of trying to eat poorly cooked meat growing up.
That is awful. I’m sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that at all.
@@lolalydonGood home cooking involves the best seasoning: Love. 😢