I love the way Ken says "Oh yeah, you're in trauma land now." We all know that sinking island. It like checking in and never being able to check out. Great read Mr. Reids. ❤
I agree with Ken that Harry stopping after the first letter would have been the best thing to do. I know its difficult to realize that when you're anxiety is triggered. My hope for Harry is that he's able to process this with a therapist and learn how to set boundries so he never has to go though another situation like this again. Terrible!
These people are trainwrecks that cause other trainwrecks. In my case, my attempt for closure resulted in a beatdown of personal deficiencies projected onto me. It was all about what a shitty/unworthy person I was, none of which was true but rather her internal problems painted on me. Very odd to hear at the time but it didn't sting as it was so obviously inaccurate. Turning me into a terrible person so the loss would be more tolerable for her (BPD much?) As I've said before, the only thing people need to know about avoidants is how to identify them and be sure to have nothing to do with them. Also included in my episode: 'my counselor says that you have disorganized attachment so I have to break up with you' and 'i am in therapy dealing with my stuff and you aren't so...' and the best break up line of all times: 'your mom makes you meals sometimes and I don't want to do that.' So...yeah, its been a year and I won't be making an effort to get back with this one. I am pretty proud of how I handled things, however. Never lost my temper, never insulted, never degraded. Just called out shitty behavior (1-2 hours late to two dates with no apology, no effort to communicate after ghosting, and the final straw which was a poorly crafted lie pertaining to lack of cell service as justification for being very late, avoidant love to be late, BTW) after putting up with this utter dog shit for a mere month which got me ejected. There is the beauty of boundaries in action, albeit the beauty shows up in hindsight. Other benefits include learning a lot about people and how they connect to others, personality disorders and how to maintain composure when others cannot. Ahhh that feels better. Hopefully someone can learn from my mess but sadly I will guess that the teacher came before the lesson for you all too.
@DobermanDanK9 thank you. My DA has just done pretty much the same to me, and 4 weeks after us last speaking, he was fb official with someone else (I was with him 11 months but he refused to commit or put a label on things 😢)
This is Sally playing her victim card against Harry, while he had nothing to do with the loss of her brother and father, or her mom’s predicament. I can’t stand people like that. I don’t enjoy the drama in the least. Harry does need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, but it’s not easy for a codependent to pull off; as Harry is certainly one. I feel it’s difficult to do because from a young age many of us were not given authority to have boundaries. Either that or we don’t have a gauge for what a boundary is and how to set it and with whom or when. Then there are people, such as narcissists whom don’t respect boundaries. Then, what do you do? This experience has very likely drained Harry’s energy, and will likely not be giving so much of it to such people as Sally in the future. I’m only talking of my own experience. I don’t know how you force yourself to not repeat a behavior if the same emotional instability is present. I just got there by burning out and becoming indifferent. I know it’s a shitty way to move on, but that’s how it goes with me. At least it feels like a safe place, even though subconsciously I’m not very well. Trauma like what Harry experienced, or what I experienced, has a way of getting lodged deep in your psyche and affects you physically and mentally. My whole body feels tired, and I rarely experience excitement. My mood is just neutral most of the time. I used to have more optimism.
Sorry to hear and I agree about the fact that even though we are able to rationalize the experience it is still written into our subconscious soul. I had the same thing happen and felt physically beat down for a year. The poet Mary Oliver wrote: 'Someone I loved once gave me a box of darkness and I realized that in time, this too was a gift.'
Avoidant Abuse by Rhea Khan (www.avoidantabuse.com). It is an e-book. I recommend emailing it to Kindle i you have one or printing it out and reading it.
I love the way Ken says "Oh yeah, you're in trauma land now." We all know that sinking island. It like checking in and never being able to check out. Great read Mr. Reids. ❤
You know, I have learned that if you ever feel confused in ANY type of relationship, that’s a sign.
Ack... trying to get closure from the avoidant is just horrible. The very qualities needed are the ones the avoidant doesn't have.
I agree with Ken that Harry stopping after the first letter would have been the best thing to do. I know its difficult to realize that when you're anxiety is triggered. My hope for Harry is that he's able to process this with a therapist and learn how to set boundries so he never has to go though another situation like this again. Terrible!
Yuup, that feeling like they view you as weird/ an enemy while they try to erase you from existence, all while showing how terrible they can be.
Horrible experience. I feel terrible for him. This woman is seriously damaged.
This channel has really changed my life. I wish i knew about avoidants before i dated one
So delighted you are back!! Woohoo ❤ from the Republic of Ireland 🎉
And from Seattle!
Jesus Christ. There is absolutely no accountability here. Poor guy.
These people are trainwrecks that cause other trainwrecks. In my case, my attempt for closure resulted in a beatdown of personal deficiencies projected onto me. It was all about what a shitty/unworthy person I was, none of which was true but rather her internal problems painted on me. Very odd to hear at the time but it didn't sting as it was so obviously inaccurate. Turning me into a terrible person so the loss would be more tolerable for her (BPD much?) As I've said before, the only thing people need to know about avoidants is how to identify them and be sure to have nothing to do with them.
Also included in my episode: 'my counselor says that you have disorganized attachment so I have to break up with you' and 'i am in therapy dealing with my stuff and you aren't so...' and the best break up line of all times: 'your mom makes you meals sometimes and I don't want to do that.'
So...yeah, its been a year and I won't be making an effort to get back with this one. I am pretty proud of how I handled things, however. Never lost my temper, never insulted, never degraded. Just called out shitty behavior (1-2 hours late to two dates with no apology, no effort to communicate after ghosting, and the final straw which was a poorly crafted lie pertaining to lack of cell service as justification for being very late, avoidant love to be late, BTW) after putting up with this utter dog shit for a mere month which got me ejected. There is the beauty of boundaries in action, albeit the beauty shows up in hindsight. Other benefits include learning a lot about people and how they connect to others, personality disorders and how to maintain composure when others cannot.
Ahhh that feels better. Hopefully someone can learn from my mess but sadly I will guess that the teacher came before the lesson for you all too.
Yep, they could not care less about the impact of their actions. Or they cannot. ADs dismiss your humanity.
Please could you explain why the DA seemed really keen at first, and then treated him like he was nothing?
Deactivation - Overwhelm of emotions
@DobermanDanK9 thank you. My DA has just done pretty much the same to me, and 4 weeks after us last speaking, he was fb official with someone else (I was with him 11 months but he refused to commit or put a label on things 😢)
This is Sally playing her victim card against Harry, while he had nothing to do with the loss of her brother and father, or her mom’s predicament. I can’t stand people like that. I don’t enjoy the drama in the least. Harry does need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, but it’s not easy for a codependent to pull off; as Harry is certainly one. I feel it’s difficult to do because from a young age many of us were not given authority to have boundaries. Either that or we don’t have a gauge for what a boundary is and how to set it and with whom or when. Then there are people, such as narcissists whom don’t respect boundaries. Then, what do you do? This experience has very likely drained Harry’s energy, and will likely not be giving so much of it to such people as Sally in the future. I’m only talking of my own experience. I don’t know how you force yourself to not repeat a behavior if the same emotional instability is present. I just got there by burning out and becoming indifferent. I know it’s a shitty way to move on, but that’s how it goes with me. At least it feels like a safe place, even though subconsciously I’m not very well. Trauma like what Harry experienced, or what I experienced, has a way of getting lodged deep in your psyche and affects you physically and mentally. My whole body feels tired, and I rarely experience excitement. My mood is just neutral most of the time. I used to have more optimism.
What's craziest to me is the way she tried to lecture him about trauma... while traumatizing him. Lol.
@ Yeah. That’s totally hypocritical.
Sorry to hear and I agree about the fact that even though we are able to rationalize the experience it is still written into our subconscious soul. I had the same thing happen and felt physically beat down for a year.
The poet Mary Oliver wrote: 'Someone I loved once gave me a box of darkness and I realized that in time, this too was a gift.'
Hi Ken,
Could you tell me the author/title of the book you read about avoidant abuse, please?
Avoidant Abuse by Rhea Khan (www.avoidantabuse.com). It is an e-book. I recommend emailing it to Kindle i you have one or printing it out and reading it.
Really could use a name drop for that book about avoidant abuse. Still trying to make sense of it all.
You may check out Avoidant Abuse by Rhea Khan
@KenReidCo Awesome. Thanks!
@@KenReidCo Can't seem to find this book, do you have a link?
❤