Actual topic of this video begins around 14:30. "Of course" is something you say to yourself during a narcissistic attack, because you recognize the techniques narcissists use. Keeps you focused and even makes it amusing.
I've grown up around narcs all my life. What ever nasty hurtful things they felt like saying to me I would immediately start to defend myself or allow those words to cut me like a knife. Last year at work I was in a friend group with 3 ladies ,one of them was definitely a raging narc. She had an issue with her weight and would constantly project that along with her envy of romantic relationships our other friend had. This projection would come out in sneer jabs here and there. One day she made one to one of the girls in our group and the girl just looked at her and calmly asked "why would you say something like that?". It threw the narc for a loop. All she could do was look dumb and sputter. My jaw dropped and all I could think of was "WAIT WE CAN SAY THAT? WR DONT JUST HAVE TO TAKE IT?". It was amazing. Ive started using it and it works like a charm.
It doesn't work with most. Shaming them doesn't work. It may work ONCE if you are the type of person who never stands up for yourself or doesn't know your own worth at all. But after that, it won't work. It doesn't nothing in fact. They'll just tell you their twisted nonsense delusions about why you deserve what they said.
Oh wow, I have lost 75% of the 'friends' I had! After I found my boundaries, and got in touch with my true feelings, rather than -what is expected of me- Thank you once again. I can't think you enough actually.
There's no reason to find out 'why' some people are such bastards, the answer is what are you going to do? You can't leave them stranded in a desert island, you can't change their behavior it's too deep, you can think only on your own well being, you deal* with wolves you either grow fangs and learn how to get nasty too, or you find someone that enjoy the same things in life... Either way you'll need to listen to this video advice otherwise you won't be able to endure that narcisistic sociopathic boss.
I wish I had known this in my 20's and all my life really. The self-love defict disorder is so wonderful. Great work, Ross. I have people who are creating lots of harm tho.
My best technique for Observing is to reply “Yes!!!” with a big smile. It baffles the Narc and smiling gives my brain a signal that I am in a safe place within me.🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
It doesn’t trigger them as I am an older woman. My broad smile is interpreted by a Narcissist as a sign of compliance and agreement. What baffles them is that they don’t know what I am agreeing to as I never elaborate. There’s just their stunned silence.
One of my most enduring memories as a child is of me reaching my arms up towards my mother asking" r u mad wit me...?" Over and again and again. Mostly to gauge her temperature in effort to avoid a beating or right after a beating to see if there would be a round two. So when my boyfriend at 16yrs old would abuse me I thought if I could just keep him from being mad I would get some love, some peace, some protection. Some time to not feel so alone. Omg.im 42.and I'm still trying to heal. Ppl.if u read this.dont give up....
That's so sad as well as painful.. it's not fair that you had to go through all of that from heartless people. You are worthy and don't let anybody in your life who thinks otherwise..
i had the in on mind. i was not confused at life my family seem to been confused and put confusion on me. i suffere years of torture from them asking for what is logical sense natural. my mother was isane and instead of protect me from them. as my friends had warn me about them and fear for my life. they team up wit two sick people. read the bible. ok i was asking for what logicaly what would been call for in sitautio of fathers abuse and truth. they just wanted to not hae to do right thing. my life was going to be damage and it became a horor story of tragic. i knew what to do and got to dr an reported it and he no one heard me . so i was left where i became target of torture on street or somehwere all around in fails and abuse. i could have lost my means to thrive then, but i held on and one day instaed of keep begging for blood from stones.. i took a leap of faith and stop giving them the respect of being intellegent and ran. i won. and they did not like that. i was abuse for. being honors in art school . defying odds. work happy and no tdrop out. the sister drop out the brother droped out and got cars. i was tortured and made a criminal. my life was altered an denial denial of simple truth . they did not listen to truth it became a shot at me to make me the scapegoat of issues. and i suffferd by run an suffered tragic and then escape .walking into jobs with famous people from torutre and then my real life as artist not what my family lied. and i got results. so u know whos going to be found liable for abuse. lies and felonly lies and torture.. i worked hard to not become damage and moved up and a sister came after me like what fuck this woman would come to my door and place of work but to have her dirty ass in face of my firends. and want to take me down. i did not fall down and wen tup. five years ago after i did the work and ecaped many sick abusers who i was not fool for and not fall for faces and fake. i was hit and fataly wounded by a plot i was to smart for using a man. i was to smart for and instead of leave me alone they mortally wounded me and drag me out of my lane into fatal set up. which triggered end of world it was like a fatal bomb. and i began to die. in five years my family was put back in my life revserse and i was rape and rob of blessings of life without one person ask me if i was ok in danger. i worked so hard to not becpome then an i was crucified for it. all of htem are drugs alchol and fuck up. now im the fuck up one as they wanted th damage torture was so bad my mind as shatter and then disperse disociaated and they think they are ok. until somone steps in to ask how i got here and tells authorities its not going to happen. i was kept shut up for 11 years and iearn to talk very good in film art and music and a fun healthy perso with impressive spirit. so i was done in .
@@luckycharm1212 Shedding negative ppl is so powerful. Im just thankful I can see a lot clearer now the difference between real vs. fake love/friendship.🌼💞🌼
I've literally just got off the phone with my abusive wife (recently married, soon to be annuled owing to this). I noticed the ramping up, despite my calm and logical tone, and simply sidestepped everything with rational, positive and loving responses. She got more and more wound up as she cast accusations, blame, conveniently forgot important details of past events to rile me. Eventually I drew the line and said I had to go, deciding my boundary had been reached. This video really helped me understand that I did the right thing, thank you.
There's a great line to use if you want to get out of a conversation but you're at your own home. You say, " I wish I was at your house so I could go home now"!!!! ...That's the best line I've ever heard in my life....
My narcissistic husband has been deceased 7 yrs now. These video's have helped me so much to understand the 28 years I spent with this man. This particular one reminds me of all the times he started arguments and I got angry 😠 & jumped in with both feet.. I will turn 60 next month & I hope one day I will feel comfortable enough to trust again. Thank you Ross for sharing your videos they have helped me understand so much of what I went thru.
If you are as kind a man as you come over on your videos ,then we need lots of Ross's in this world to campaign to make it a better place with kinder and less greedy people, I do believe greed can make people evil , kindness needs to be the pandemic 🥰
Great video but I realized something- observe don’t absorb should only be a temporary tool to use if you HAVE to be around them. If you have to constantly monitor and “watch” someone’s behavior, what’s the point of being around them-? All it’s doing is robbing you of your authenticity and your way of “Being” in the world. Also- tbh, I’m sick of “watching” them..... literally.
Its fully their problem if they are angry. Pretend there is a garbage can or letrine hole near you and every attack, bs, thrown at you let it end up there🚽 Every attack, you look " ooppss there goes their 💩🚽 again" Their attacks really are bs💩. Toddler in adults bodies. Pitiful
I like the "of course" technique too! This is what I went through with my ex, what you explained. In the past (years ago before I met him), it used to take a looot for me to react to any negative or toxic comment, or to let it get to me. But he would harrass me and would not stop until he would get a reaction from me. The more I would ignore his attempts, the more he would do it and called me a robot because I would not react. But I'm human, I regret the times I let him get the best of me. I never want to be in a toxic relationship again. I have been healing and gradually getting back to myself and better. Thank you Ross! 💗🙏✨
Narcs KNOW we are kind & loving - don’t give them our energy /put up emotional wall - they can’t handle it ! Bc they are so fake and only want the ATTENTION . I seeee this so clearly now w my malignant covert narc mother . I am DONE GIVING HER AN OUNCE OF MY ENERGY LET ALONE ANY OTHER NARC! 99% of my girlfriends were narcs that I saw over the years and 1 by 1 they have all been cut off. Recently i finally let go of the final 2 narcs . I’ve never been happier at 45 having barely any friends and just loving myself !!!!
I recently set healthy boundaries with a friend who was displaying selfish traits & wow 😳 As soon as I set that boundary - in a polite logical calm manner/ wow did they get angry & act out in a neg verbal manner. 😬 I still kept my calm / through out a calm verbal / sorry you feel that way & cut the convo short/ stated I was heading out the door 🚪 at the moment & ended the phone 📱 call rt away. I kept my peace ✌️ 🤗 Proud of myself 👏
"sorry you feel that way" - a more advanced method to make them react, instead of them extracting a reaction from you. narc - "I am so upset with you" me - "I am sorry you feel that way" narc - "it is all your foult" me - "I am sorry you feel that way"
I love the comment “Of course” as your observe don’t absorb reply. My go to is “that’s possible” said with very flat affect and occasionally with a shrug of the shoulders. It drives the narcissist crazy because they are not able to get the response from you that they’re hoping for. Thanks for all you do. 🙌
Induced conversions! Yes! I never bring up certain subjects, as agreed, but he ALWAYS goes there anyway. It’s maddening to try and deflect when it’s clear the intention is to rile me up. The craziest part is that he gets more and more angry because I won’t engage in the dramatic BS! Backing away slowly after the last insane exchange in which be got right up in my face and screamed, “Hit me! You know you want to hit me!” WTF?! I don’t want to hit anyone ever unless they’re trying to physically hurt me. God-willing, I’ll get out of this situation with my sanity intact.
Mine always tries to bait me into his 'conversations' (which aren't), projections or provocations. The more I pretend I didn't hear (akn: ignore) him, the angier he gets. Comical, really. These macho narcs are really insecure toddlers. Pathetic and sad in a way. A wasted life.
Ross is wonderful. I will use the Of Course method, next time I am around the toxic family and/or friend. There are many RUclips creators that speak endlessly about common characteristics ect but Ross provides strategies to respond. We can't always get rid of everyone. We can try to cope.
I am in the throws of finalizing a breakup with my narcissistic partner. We lived together for 19 years, and built a house and he was never physically abusive or violent or angry. Perhaps to some that might seem like a good thing, but the manipulation and emotional toll his deep seeded antics and behaviors took on our relationship and my own mental and physical health were equal to getting hit over the head each day with a baseball bat. With me as a codependent and adult child of an abusive alcoholic, we were perfect for this dance. Through therapy, and watching these informative, inspiring videos, I have been able to understand his actions and reasons for them and my role in feeding the abuse. I know now that my adult voice of reason and good judgment ( the one that can very confidently set healthy boundaries- AND HAS for 19 years) has been sabotaged by the child voice inside of me that needs to undo the boundary I have set because I am afraid of not being loved, or making a mistake, and hurting HIS FEELINGS which in turn might affect my safety. CRAZY STUFF but I soooooo get it now. So... recently ( we have been separated for 1.5 years) with him living across the street, there have been many many opportunities for him to saunter over and try to manipulate through a few last possessions on the property ( machinery that I cannot move) , question about grandchildren... yadda.. yadda.. yadda... AND I have been able to observe and not absorb, and think,"of course he is doing that", and have allowed only my adult voice to have conversations with him and after doing this for the past 6 weeks am now experiencing the tables turned.! He is now the one who gets upset and I am calm. He is the one who is angry and frustrated in the conversation and accusatory and I am watching his words roll off my "teflon suit" ( THANK YOU DR. ROSENBERG)... and I am the one who keeps the conversation on point and calm and friendly and it is driving HIM NUTS BECAUSE HE IS UNABLE TO MANIPULATE ME! I AM TAKING BACK ME and he is not liking it. With continued therapy and taking this sound advice from Dr. Rosenberg, I plan only finally learning who I am and who I was supposed to be all these 63 years of my life and I am excited and motivated to move forward. It's all good advice and it works!
I've did this with someone in my work. I just didn't answer her. She was giving me a book full of abuse and threats I kept my cool. People heard this, many witnesses. My boss stepped in and tried to keep the peace I just said what will it actually take for you not only as a boss and also a witness to her reaction and my reaction to do something about this. Logically he knew I was right so he had to, she got suspended. Wanna know what I was told by the rest of the witnesses. Well by me not responding to her in any shape or form it pissed her off what did you expect her to do. 😂 That's when I discovered how many narcissists are in my place of work I don't have enough hands and toes to count the amount of narcissists I have in and around my life I think the statistics on the amount of narcissists in the world is wrong either that or I'm just very very unfortunate in my life placement.
I feel the same. There are many traits. If I count more than 7 they are verifiably on my list to watch out. Call it my paranoia of narcissist, I can tell you having raised 2 kids w a narc father, they recognize the traits in people also. It’s made it easier to get through middle & high school. It’s a lack of education for some of your Co workers. Some of them were already tainted by being followers the rest well those probably are narcs & need everyone on their side for future supply!
Good for you. Very professional and appropriate. I am anticipating that a colleague will verbally attack me soon. Here’s the fun part--she’s a “behavior resource specialist.” I have been calm in her presence and I’m not taking on her previous jabs to try and rattle my serene stance. This is a woman that works with children. Imagine!!! And their kind are common. Lord, give me strength to just maintain my cool “of course.” Won’t wrestle the pig
I agree. I too think the statistics could be wrong. Roght now at this stage of my recovery and awakening, i feel that it is the other way round, that the 10 percent of world population is normal and the rest narcissistic.
i removed my family and became the super one. they came after me and wanted to flip it as me being the one . that is sick in itsself i just removed then not look back. i could not thrive with the fake love and do not confuse people to what toxic or sick is because they do not know the difference and kill innocent people. my family imagine and kept a delusion despite they knew truth. i had to cry for my life knowing what would happen, and if n one haerd me who was intellegent common sense id become what they are. suffer and instead of them answer they used the ignore technique. this is dangerous when no ne or they feel they are the healthy but are not they are the sick ones and trying to save own ass. in this case someone strong has to setep in to help the victim who is not them. and i was the strong one beore i was hit in fatal and could not be that for me and was put back into the family who then abuse me by ignore me. so beware. i have the why technique. if they say yourjust not well. you ask why. if they say your something or something . ask them why? or what make her that.? it then reveals they have no basis for any accustaio and are using fake information on the victim, My family are the ontrol freaks and when i escapet hem they could not take it. they wanted me to be sick and i outwit it. and abuse me. but when i began to get jobs in famous artist gallery and move and cut them off , the sister a super abuser was searching my mind seeking my words and informatoin and could not take it. stalked me . but never cared when iw as fie minutes away. she humilated me abuse me insult e while i was just wounded and in danger kid asking for right things. i held on to my lessons removed them had god and went up. wehn u ar doing better than sick people they cant take it. i was free and di not olook back i ran. for 11 year of my life i was being pushed into a coffin they built for me and i aws going to go to court and i had the brain . five years agoi was hit in a fatal hit on me to render me brain damge speachles intellegence damage and left. i was left to be now put back into the family who did not tell dr of my ptsd cptsd or abuse but amde me dependant and unable to get up . they failed to ask if i was in danger as i had violent person stalk me and ignore me. they did not one thing an using this ignore me would only kill me. who fuck need to be taught what to do ..
Absolutely fantastic! I carry both your books around with me, most of the time! A sign of sanity , I think! Hope you come to London soon. Thank you Dr. Rosenberg. Legend and hero. xxx
Wrestling with a pig quote is a good one but I always liked this one more as it seems to be very down to earth: "Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." - Mark Twain Thanks for a great content!
Ross, you are a leading light in this field. You utterly and completely understand the complexity of living with a narcissist. Love your 10 stages - spot on. And love the 'of course' technique! Brilliant. Thank you for your amazing and insightful work.
This bothers me a little because this is exactly what a narcissist does to torment and "punish" his victim. He will gaslight with a superior "I'll speak to you when you're calm" (AFTER pushing every button) and then will starve you for affection by leaving, knowing he's already isolated you and you'll be sitting there in the living room all alone...again.
Thanks one more time. I am in the middle of huge storm, feeling valuable. Your videos ground me in the Now, no more magical thinking, for the moments I have to face pnarcs, give me knowledge and strength. After that I go in isolation to process my shame, not worthy, not god enough emotions. Very grateful
I had unsubbed your channel in a massive cleanup of my RUclips (I had subbed way too many 🙄 ... But because of the high quality of help vids I see you putting out there I resubbed 😊 ... Thank you again so much for all the work you're doing to help ppl rise above the "pig wrestling ring"! I'm so grateful that you are willing to share so much hard-earned wisdom for free as so many can't afford to buy books. Your "of course!" technique is spot on as is ODA - I've used ODA already and has really helped! Thank you again and God bless you 😊
Exactly.. I see mentally "Death" people everywhere.. Cause they walk around like Human, but they have no Empathy.. Flat death feeling.. Thank you for giving Practical Solution to recover.. ❤
I'm listening to this and thinking: It"s like healing from this is like slaying the 'spirit' of narcissism and codependency, it is found, of course in full blown sufferers in a condensed form, but it lingers in so many people and as such in the various ways social relationships I have manifested, like you say, so many friends have left and also the relationships with friends that have stayed have changed. I have also noticed that this increase in self respect can even stir up some malignancy in colleagues for example i never knew was there. I only heard of your observe not absorb technique this evening and realise i have been working with this intuitively. I'm very happy to be confirmed in this intuition because it will help me to be able to be more relaxed with it when it happens around me, especially with all the stress around the covid pandemonium going on, this is a major trigger for all kinds of psycho-pathology to be manifested. Also I found this quote this evening which i would like to share with you which i think is very apt: "The sage uses his mind like a mirror. It remains in its place passively, and gives back what it receives without concealment. Therefore it can overcome things without distorting them." Chuang Tse Thank you for your wonderful work!
tl;dr When a narc does something narcy, just think "of course they did that" so that you can be the observer instead of reacting to the narc, and that way you don't have to fight with them
Yes! When he was escalating his abuses as if to test when I would mentally have a breakdown or heart attack, I went to a friend's house for 2wks and seldom answered, let him hear us having fun, he changed to his best behavior over speakerphone... Then it occurred to me... why not WIKI "HOW TO" make myself unavailable for a long period to someone... it said to keep making one excuse after another until they get it... My current plan right now is, in the next few months (with God's help), to *become SEVERELY BORING to him until he finds new supply, then discards me,* then I can change my number with that excuse -- so he doesn't retaliate too much I hope, because my replacement can hopefully give him supply
@@jenniferharrell77 you need to get out of the house for some time to preserve yourself. Take a walk, go to the store, something. Because you need a break right?
Such truly wonderful information Ross . Love your analogies. Your soft spoken words are fierce fighters against the poisonous predators that walk among us !! Thank you , is to little a word for your insight . You are the antidote to these toxic people and your strategies to deal with them are brilliant .
Even though it’s 4 months later that I’m watching this, I can’t tell you how timely this is for me. I have a narcissistic boss who always gets in to my head. She constantly tries to break me down. This week was bad. I stayed pretty detached and did not engage, so she worked even harder and kept me in a 1-hour meeting for 2.5 hours trying to demean me. Even though I was able to not take the bait, I reacted internally afterwards. I was an anxious wreck and couldn’t sleep. While I’m getting better at observing, I still absorb and then I’m disappointed in myself! But I think the “of course” technique can really help, particularly if I write it out when I have to meet or speak with my boss so I can be ready to watch and not engage. Having a visual cue would help me remember this is their game... and I’m not going to play! I’m not going to absorb!
Thank you for the comment! Ross is now working on this subject (narcissists in the workplace) and will release a video about it in the next couple of months. If you have more questions, comments, suggestions (or want to share a bit of your story), please write to us to help@selfloverecovery.com. We would love to hear from you and your ideas for Ross to create more relevant content for all of you. Thanks again!
Ross Rosenberg - Thank you for covering this subject. I have had multiple encounters with NPD in the workplace and suffered PTSD as a result. I’ll send some thoughts to the email you shared. Thanks again!
L. Row, these people are masters at "emotionally infecting" other people-- I think it takes a black belt in emotional literacy to truly avoid absorbing the poison. If you were able to avoid being provoked during the long meeting, it sounds to me like you are well on your way to becoming narc-proof! Not only are narcissists hypersensitive to inflation or deflation by others, they themselves are highly skilled at making other people feel wonderful about themselves (through flattery) or horrible about themselves (through massive guilt-trips, intimidation, etc).
@L Row: yes narcissists waste our time a lot. And your boss seems like mine. I think they are all the same. I resigned my job 6 months before due to the emotional and mental abuse from her. Narcissists love power, so we can always find them higher up the ladder.
Oh boy, Ross Rosenberg. This is very encouraging. I feel a little relief already, as I believe I can master 'observe don't absorb', and use your technique to help me stay calm. Right now I realize can get frazzled pretty easily. YAY!! Yahoo!! I'm looking forward to that stage!!
Thank you Ross, for your work. I’ve used your technique for years! Even well after divorce. I always pass this on to whom ever is open and willing to not get suck into the bullshit by their drama making, crazy addictive, psychopath! Lol This technique was such help for me going through my divorce... I don’t know what I would have done without it! Thanks again!
You are a genius sir . .thank you for saving my life. .please do more video on pathological loneliness. . I lost my parents when I was a child . .I suffered a lot while growing as girl..no wonder I got stuck in this abusive relationship. .You are a Life saving god for me ...Thanks a lot for videos
Fantastic, appreciation and gratitude Ross! ...Now I have much clearer understanding and insight by making the connection of my ‘pathological loneliness’ as being linked with aspects of SLD. It is releasing gradually through identifying and exiting unhelpful relationships and entering into a new dynamic to find a creative pathway with the one I can not leave behind completely just yet. Thank you and best wishes for all of your good work which I choose to engage with. 🙏 x
Your videos are amazing. This one had me smiling at my phone whilst you told the story of your coffee meeting. This will take practice but I can see how it’s the only way to deal with these people. Thank you for sharing this video.
Glad this was helpful. Ross has other videos on his technique ODA, including a full video seminar at www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique
Awesome video, I learned a lot. Took studious notes as I listened so I could remember what I heard. Keeping focused is the key, and staying alert . Thank you for sharing!
Narcissists are: wily, covert, manipulative, despicable….and it’s our job to shore up our self love, as that is something they cannot do. When you understand their hatred for you is only a cover for their own self shame it’s easier to say ‘Of Course’.
Now you said something intriguing. Your program can teach me to predict the manipulation techniques they will use. Yahoo--I look forward to getting to that stage. My mom taught me 'forewarned is forearmed'. That's very promising. Thank you Ross Rosenberg for giving me something to look forward to!
idk if it's because I'm an only child of a covert narc mother thats a public figure but I'm not AT ALL scared of loneliness, Im scared of all the weird intrusive thoughts that won't go away when i got wise and grey rocked her and the wildly predictable behavior. it's like that's her whole personality..good grief you aint never lied about any of this❤
Thanks so much for your work, education and support. Will definitely use this technique. Was already doing it to an extent, with different words "sounds familiar-same crap, different day."Recovery continues...God bless!
Such a helpful video and clear explanations. 'Of Course' is much better reminder of what is going on than my mental 'uh huh' somehow. Somehow the 'uh huh' (or in my German Ja, ja) kept me in all the past anger for the same old same old. 'Of Course' reminds me of your words 'Observe, not Absorb'. Tried this today and it works. I just carry on and get on with things. Today was especially full of much organization, vet, aged slightly demense mother, aging cranky ill narecissist husband...and zero appreciation. My narc husband needs several explanationa for tthe simplist things,, but blames me when he doesn't get it the first 2-3 explanations. By the forth one, I get gaslighted: Why didn't you say so, now I can understand. Oh and the walking on eggs and provocation and pity partying or explosiveness. 'Of course'...my new safety valve. Thank you so much!
I saw my covert narcissist mom for the first time in two-and-a-half years Christmas Eve night. To sum up my evening: If I walked on eggshells and bought into her provocation, she wouldn't pity party or go into an explosive rage. But if I didn't buy into her provocation or walk on eggshells, she would go into a pity party and explosive rage, telling her victim story to my aunts as soon as I left. Indeed, the latter is what happened. Once I got home, I got a text from my aunt urging peace between my mom and I because life is short, etc. Eventually, I'll tell my story organically as well as my sister so my aunts can finally understand the child envy/explosive rage side of the mom we grew up with is the same person they've seen glimpses of from time to time. Only my sister and I or our mom is right as both sides can't be true simultaneously. It's just a matter of time. And until then, we will live in peace having established our own identities and sense of boundaries despite her that only came the last three years which were urgently needed. But now, by knowing ourselves and knowing our narc mom, she is cornered - and not with her ears pinned back because without having bought into her narcissistic supply, she is a wounded dog.
OMG, thank you. I have this emotional deficit disorder, I can see it. And, I’m drawn to these people who subtly put me down, to try and win them over. I do it over and over again, and that’s just crazy. What about when years of abuse finally leaves us shell shocked and we develop BPD? Is the treatment for BPD and EDD the same? BDP seems like aggravated EDD.
Ross, I have read your books and I follow your channel... I feel like a feral cat I want to be close to people but I can’t trust them ... is this just where I am now forever? Should I try to embrace my safe life. But lonely life? I have set up all my boundaries, but as free as I am. I’m now alone. Is this it? How do I move forward to any connection with good safe friends?
@@tammysawyers1146 and also to Dana Thomas-- I hope this doesn't seem too obvious, if you have had loads of narcissistic friends and narcissistic romantic partners, one thing to learn is to move very slowly and gradually with prospective new friends, and to keep your observing intellect in the driver's seat! Of course, it is challenging to move slowly, especially when you feel lonely and eager for new friends. I used to be very naive and also impulsive with new acquaintances, I would try to bring them in to be very close friends before I had adequately determined if they were safe people. Also, abusers and narcissists like to move fast, dazzle and love-bomb, so if you keep the pace slow, you might lose some of them right away :)
Thank you Carie for the comment and the question! This is a topic Ross is working on right now and soon there will be a new seminar, including co-parenting with a narcissist. If you have more questions or comments, we would love to hear from you. You can write us to: help@selfloverecovery.com.
I had no knowledge of npd I had no preparation I just told him after 2 years of disrespect to get the hell out of my apt 25 min later I was narc free I felt and embraced my pain and never looked back it's five yrs later and I'm woke aware and grateful now by nine yrs old I was a ophan and losing my mother is the worst pain I still deal with I'm 52 now and living with out her has taught me that nothing will ever hurt as much as that so throwing out the trash narc was nothing I couldn't get over
I am a Christian I am not perfect but striving for perfection each day even though it is difficult. I do wish to honor you in Jesus Name because of your great efforts to help people be free from wicked influences that are destroying their lives. So thank Sir for your great work it is highly commendable. You also explain things very well, thank you. Here is my wish for you, may you continue to be used of God to reach many lives and may the grace of God by Jesus Christ encourage and motivate you in your righteous work.
Hi Terri Jo, hope your day is going well. May the grace of God come to you in your stillness and may you experience the love and kindness of Jesus Christ by the Spirit of God. Hope your day is blessed.
I have a problem with Jesus blessing the romans while they were beating him because oh, they didn´t knew what they were doing! this is a ridiculous behaviour. I know as a christian you need to imitate Jesus, but this is unhealthy.
@@analiviaminsk1171just remember he is God and we are not. There are all sorts of other exhortations for human relationships. He was dying for the sins of the world when he said that. He didn’t talk to the Pharisees that way. Context, context, context.
@@moname56 ah sure also all fine with the sins of the holy inquisition, made in His name, all cleaned and washed. Dude if you think the amount of people that would had been safe if Jesus gave up, that should be his temptation in fact. Telling him what people would do in his name in the future, that would be spot on!
@@cieloazul378 Pity play is often used by narcs. They complain about this and that and people begin feeling sorry for them and helping them. Now i use their method. For example when my exhusband calls me up and wants to take smth or return back to me) i tell him that i'm ill, have lost money etc. He stops being interested in me.
Thank you Mr. Ross....this video is much needed in my life at this time....i have to use my ninja moves on a whole team of narcs....your wisdom gives me tools and so much strength. God bless. 🙏
I love this. I kind of started observing the patterns that used to control me, naturally, due to the fact that the Narc and I only communicate about specific things via text message as needed. Communication is rare and as needed. But even so!!! I’ve caught carefully crafted lies by omission intended to manipulate me into guilt while elevating themselves. Masterpieces, I tell you! Plausible deniability on point. If the conversations had happened in person, they could have easily used the excuse “you just don’t listen,” or “you don’t pay attention to details,” or “you’re so forgetful!” Or “I never said that!” Lol!! How many times have I heard those? I thought they just lacked clear communication. No, they’ve been lying and withholding information and sabotaging my self worth slowly over time. On purpose! And that’s just ONE of the techniques I’ve uncovered by going almost no contact and only communicating by text. Now I expect nothing less. I know every communication I receive will have the purpose of manipulating my perception or soliciting a response from me. I no longer expect true communication.
I love your delivery and expertise its on point. Im going to use these when meeting my covert ex wife narc today to pick up my son. I dont want to see her face after finding out how shes cheated on me after only four months of her leaving the marital home for selfish reasons which she puts all on me of course. When we meet, She always breathes really heavy , sighs , and acts nostalgic to because she knows its my weakness. Ahe hates when i dont make eye contact and am short with her. It causes injuries and makes her want to hurt me again. Thanks
thankyou, Im still practicing the observe don't absorb ODA in my interactions...."of couse they would" the words are self empowering ....self preservation of one energy all from a vantage point of self love. So much to unlearn and relearn. I appreciate each message, thankyou again. The power of this statement reinstates one's confidence and trusting our own barometer of feelings, no more going down the bunnie trails.. of induced conversation. Improving every day 🙏❤❤❤❤❤ ☮
I am beginning to purchase a bunch of really cheap and second-hand coats now which are expendable so that when or if, sadly i stumble across a total narc for the first time in a pub, say, i can use Ross's perfect technique of "OF COURSE" and then, when i'm really bored enough and have learned something new from the narc(and not just their regular bull-crap)....i get up(leaving the coat behind for deception purposes), head towards the toilet, enter the toilet, then immediately exit the toilet, head towards the main entrance or exit(as far from the narc as possible) and WALK OFF INTO THE CALM NIGHT. It is like finding yourself in a Bear-trap....so, henceforth i shall name it the "BEAR-TRAP COAT TECHNIQUE".(or a B.T. C.T.). Hope this is ok with you Ross....GREAT CHANNEL.
Thanks Natalie...the other bonus is of course, buy your cheap coats from Charity Shops...and effectively, narcissism is helping those charities!! YOU win by not becoming a victim of narcissistic shenanigans, the Charity Shops win, more knowledge helps other discarded folk to win their lives back....and the narc's sadistic ways are halted in their tracks that night. Maybe B.C.C.T. has a bright future...ohhh...and abandoned coats will give it away that narcs frequent the areas. In fact, after a while, the narcs may have to leave the areas of abandoned coats...leaving the establishment narc-free. BEAR-TRAP COAT TECHNIQUE could really balloon over time...before you know it, ADIDAS, FORD, McDONALD'S and the like might wish to advertise on abandoned narcky coats...ok, i'm getting a little carried away now.
"My power is in not reacting (absorbing)" How funny you say to say "ofcourse" to yourself... because I've been saying to him "ofcourse" a lot when he is telling me lies and playing head games... (this was before I saw you say that, so thanks)... Today he said "I don't know why I didn't call you when I promised, my wristwatch messed up and had the wrong time on it... I love you"... I DID NOT ASK ANY LOGICAL QUESTIONS... BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD LOVE THAT I "work myself up" (react or absorb)... so I said "ofcourse,... goodnight".... I know he's been doing things to hurt me on purpose because he's been asking me how I feel, what I think, in response to lots of things he's done or said lately... even to future hypotheticals! LITERALLY, when everything was going well, he asked me all this!... "How do you feel when I leave (your place)?... How do you feel when I don't call you?... How would you feel if I told you I wanted a break?... How would you feel if I told you I wanted to break up with you?... How would you feel if I didn't see you for a while?... How do you feel when you're all alone?... WHEN GOING GREY ROCK,... I have to remember *DO NOT show I'm upset in the slightest cuz that breaks grey rock!*... ANY SLIGHT hurt or upsetness you display or express... gives them the supply they want (YOU STILL ENTER the wrestling ring, emotionally or mentally)!
I will be sure to use the of course method to see how the narcissists in my life operate and I develop the sixth sense to detect narcissists everywhere. I need to avoid getting into these toxic relationships, again.
Thx again, Ross 4 your insightfullness & sharing your vast knowledge on this important subject matter. It will help so many...& we appreciate you..Hugs & many thanks, D. Allison 🙂🙂💕💕
These are very useful videos and helpful in a practical way. One thing I've missed in this video is - do I say "of course" out loud to the narcissist, or just in my head? If it's just in my own head, how do I respond to the denigration out loud?
The ‘Of Course’ method is an adjunct to the Grey Rock technique. It works a little bit better than Grey Rock: it raises no objection, induces no other conversations/questions, and does not put you in a defensive posture. It technically affirms the PN without actually affirming anything that the PN expect the SLD to serve up at the moment. It’s the flip side of the open-ended inducing technique that the PN initiate when he/she needs their narcissistic supply.🙈🙉🙊
Actual topic of this video begins around 14:30. "Of course" is something you say to yourself during a narcissistic attack, because you recognize the techniques narcissists use. Keeps you focused and even makes it amusing.
Thanx Man, I scrolled down here around the 13 min mark hoping somebody would write exactly what you wrote. Well Done, Thanx, Have a great day.
hero
I've grown up around narcs all my life. What ever nasty hurtful things they felt like saying to me I would immediately start to defend myself or allow those words to cut me like a knife. Last year at work I was in a friend group with 3 ladies ,one of them was definitely a raging narc. She had an issue with her weight and would constantly project that along with her envy of romantic relationships our other friend had. This projection would come out in sneer jabs here and there. One day she made one to one of the girls in our group and the girl just looked at her and calmly asked "why would you say something like that?". It threw the narc for a loop. All she could do was look dumb and sputter. My jaw dropped and all I could think of was "WAIT WE CAN SAY THAT? WR DONT JUST HAVE TO TAKE IT?". It was amazing. Ive started using it and it works like a charm.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Do this looks a 🔑 to use the technique! Thank u for sharing!!!
My therapist taught me to ask "what do you want me to do with this information?" 😂
It doesn't work with most. Shaming them doesn't work. It may work ONCE if you are the type of person who never stands up for yourself or doesn't know your own worth at all. But after that, it won't work. It doesn't nothing in fact. They'll just tell you their twisted nonsense delusions about why you deserve what they said.
Oh wow, I have lost 75% of the 'friends' I had! After I found my boundaries, and got in touch with my true feelings, rather than -what is expected of me- Thank you once again. I can't think you enough actually.
I didn't know the hyphen could do crossing out lines! Like the Universe is telling me - no more of 'what is expected of me' - YAY!
Thanks for sharing!!
Same here. I list at least 90%... and this is just the beginning if this scary journey.
There's no reason to find out 'why' some people are such bastards, the answer is what are you going to do? You can't leave them stranded in a desert island, you can't change their behavior it's too deep, you can think only on your own well being, you deal* with wolves you either grow fangs and learn how to get nasty too, or you find someone that enjoy the same things in life...
Either way you'll need to listen to this video advice otherwise you won't be able to endure that narcisistic sociopathic boss.
I wish I had known this in my 20's and all my life really. The self-love defict disorder is so wonderful. Great work, Ross. I have people who are creating lots of harm tho.
My best technique for Observing is to reply “Yes!!!” with a big smile. It baffles the Narc and smiling gives my brain a signal that I am in a safe place within me.🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
It doesn’t trigger them as I am an older woman. My broad smile is interpreted by a Narcissist as a sign of compliance and agreement. What baffles them is that they don’t know what I am agreeing to as I never elaborate. There’s just their stunned silence.
One of my most enduring memories as a child is of me reaching my arms up towards my mother asking" r u mad wit me...?" Over and again and again. Mostly to gauge her temperature in effort to avoid a beating or right after a beating to see if there would be a round two. So when my boyfriend at 16yrs old would abuse me I thought if I could just keep him from being mad I would get some love, some peace, some protection. Some time to not feel so alone. Omg.im 42.and I'm still trying to heal. Ppl.if u read this.dont give up....
This broke my heart.
That's so sad as well as painful.. it's not fair that you had to go through all of that from heartless people. You are worthy and don't let anybody in your life who thinks otherwise..
i had the in on mind. i was not confused at life my family seem to been confused and put confusion on me. i suffere years of torture from them asking for what is logical sense natural. my mother was isane and instead of protect me from them. as my friends had warn me about them and fear for my life. they team up wit two sick people. read the bible. ok i was asking for what logicaly what would been call for in sitautio of fathers abuse and truth. they just wanted to not hae to do right thing. my life was going to be damage and it became a horor story of tragic. i knew what to do and got to dr an reported it and he no one heard me . so i was left where i became target of torture on street or somehwere all around in fails and abuse. i could have lost my means to thrive then, but i held on and one day instaed of keep begging for blood from stones.. i took a leap of faith and stop giving them the respect of being intellegent and ran. i won. and they did not like that. i was abuse for. being honors in art school . defying odds. work happy and no tdrop out. the sister drop out the brother droped out and got cars. i was tortured and made a criminal. my life was altered an denial denial of simple truth . they did not listen to truth it became a shot at me to make me the scapegoat of issues. and i suffferd by run an suffered tragic and then escape .walking into jobs with famous people from torutre and then my real life as artist not what my family lied. and i got results. so u know whos going to be found liable for abuse. lies and felonly lies and torture.. i worked hard to not become damage and moved up and a sister came after me like what fuck this woman would come to my door and place of work but to have her dirty ass in face of my firends. and want to take me down. i did not fall down and wen tup. five years ago after i did the work and ecaped many sick abusers who i was not fool for and not fall for faces and fake. i was hit and fataly wounded by a plot i was to smart for using a man. i was to smart for and instead of leave me alone they mortally wounded me and drag me out of my lane into fatal set up. which triggered end of world it was like a fatal bomb. and i began to die. in five years my family was put back in my life revserse and i was rape and rob of blessings of life without one person ask me if i was ok in danger. i worked so hard to not becpome then an i was crucified for it. all of htem are drugs alchol and fuck up. now im the fuck up one as they wanted th damage torture was so bad my mind as shatter and then disperse disociaated and they think they are ok. until somone steps in to ask how i got here and tells authorities its not going to happen. i was kept shut up for 11 years and iearn to talk very good in film art and music and a fun healthy perso with impressive spirit. so i was done in .
@@GamingDad I have learned so much since then. Life has made me a kaleidoscope of hidden strengths. 💕💙💕
@@luckycharm1212 Shedding negative ppl is so powerful. Im just thankful I can see a lot clearer now the difference between real vs. fake love/friendship.🌼💞🌼
I've literally just got off the phone with my abusive wife (recently married, soon to be annuled owing to this). I noticed the ramping up, despite my calm and logical tone, and simply sidestepped everything with rational, positive and loving responses. She got more and more wound up as she cast accusations, blame, conveniently forgot important details of past events to rile me. Eventually I drew the line and said I had to go, deciding my boundary had been reached. This video really helped me understand that I did the right thing, thank you.
There's a great line to use if you want to get out of a conversation but you're at your own home.
You say, " I wish I was at your house so I could go home now"!!!! ...That's the best line I've ever heard in my life....
you don’t set boundaries with narcissists, you escape them!
My narcissistic husband has been deceased 7 yrs now. These video's have helped me so much to understand the 28 years I spent with this man. This particular one reminds me of all the times he started arguments and I got angry 😠 & jumped in with both feet..
I will turn 60 next month & I hope one day I will feel comfortable enough to trust again.
Thank you Ross for sharing your videos they have helped me understand so much of what I went thru.
You're strong and a resilient survivor. May you continue to live your life for you and you alone now and be at peace and have genuine happiness
If you are as kind a man as you come over on your videos ,then we need lots of Ross's in this world to campaign to make it a better place with kinder and less greedy people, I do believe greed can make people evil , kindness needs to be the pandemic 🥰
Great video but I realized something- observe don’t absorb should only be a temporary tool to use if you HAVE to be around them.
If you have to constantly monitor and “watch” someone’s behavior, what’s the point of being around them-?
All it’s doing is robbing you of your authenticity and your way of
“Being” in the world.
Also- tbh, I’m sick of “watching”
them..... literally.
Yes!!!
Some neighbors, steal, cause damage...very serious. Real Estate jealousy.
Yes true - sometimes we have to stay around people whether we like it or not though
Its fully their problem if they are angry. Pretend there is a garbage can or letrine hole near you and every attack, bs, thrown at you let it end up there🚽 Every attack, you look " ooppss there goes their 💩🚽 again" Their attacks really are bs💩. Toddler in adults bodies. Pitiful
Yup!!
I like the "of course" technique too! This is what I went through with my ex, what you explained. In the past (years ago before I met him), it used to take a looot for me to react to any negative or toxic comment, or to let it get to me. But he would harrass me and would not stop until he would get a reaction from me. The more I would ignore his attempts, the more he would do it and called me a robot because I would not react. But I'm human, I regret the times I let him get the best of me.
I never want to be in a toxic relationship again.
I have been healing and gradually getting back to myself and better.
Thank you Ross! 💗🙏✨
Narcs KNOW we are kind & loving - don’t give them our energy /put up emotional wall - they can’t handle it ! Bc they are so fake and only want the ATTENTION . I seeee this so clearly now w my malignant covert narc mother . I am DONE GIVING HER AN OUNCE OF MY ENERGY LET ALONE ANY OTHER NARC! 99% of my girlfriends were narcs that I saw over the years and 1 by 1 they have all been cut off. Recently i finally let go of the final 2 narcs . I’ve never been happier at 45 having barely any friends and just loving myself !!!!
I recently set healthy boundaries with a friend who was displaying selfish traits & wow 😳
As soon as I set that boundary - in a polite logical calm manner/ wow did they get angry & act out in a neg verbal manner. 😬
I still kept my calm / through out a calm verbal / sorry you feel that way & cut the convo short/ stated I was heading out the door 🚪 at the moment & ended the phone 📱 call rt away. I kept my peace ✌️ 🤗
Proud of myself 👏
Yeah big big bullies... they are going to bully you into what they want you to do , be or think
"sorry you feel that way" - a more advanced method to make them react, instead of them extracting a reaction from you.
narc - "I am so upset with you"
me - "I am sorry you feel that way"
narc - "it is all your foult"
me - "I am sorry you feel that way"
@@lemat579 thanks for the tip. 👍🏾👍🏾
Well done!
I love the comment “Of course” as your observe don’t absorb reply. My go to is “that’s possible” said with very flat affect and occasionally with a shrug of the shoulders. It drives the narcissist crazy because they are not able to get the response from you that they’re hoping for. Thanks for all you do. 🙌
Induced conversions! Yes! I never bring up certain subjects, as agreed, but he ALWAYS goes there anyway. It’s maddening to try and deflect when it’s clear the intention is to rile me up. The craziest part is that he gets more and more angry because I won’t engage in the dramatic BS!
Backing away slowly after the last insane exchange in which be got right up in my face and screamed, “Hit me! You know you want to hit me!” WTF?! I don’t want to hit anyone ever unless they’re trying to physically hurt me.
God-willing, I’ll get out of this situation with my sanity intact.
Mine always tries to bait me into his 'conversations' (which aren't), projections or provocations. The more I pretend I didn't hear (akn: ignore) him, the angier he gets. Comical, really. These macho narcs are really insecure toddlers. Pathetic and sad in a way. A wasted life.
Ross is wonderful. I will use the Of Course method, next time I am around the toxic family and/or friend. There are many RUclips creators that speak endlessly about common characteristics ect but Ross provides strategies to respond. We can't always get rid of everyone. We can try to cope.
I am in the throws of finalizing a breakup with my narcissistic partner. We lived together for 19 years, and built a house and he was never physically abusive or violent or angry. Perhaps to some that might seem like a good thing, but the manipulation and emotional toll his deep seeded antics and behaviors took on our relationship and my own mental and physical health were equal to getting hit over the head each day with a baseball bat. With me as a codependent and adult child of an abusive alcoholic, we were perfect for this dance. Through therapy, and watching these informative, inspiring videos, I have been able to understand his actions and reasons for them and my role in feeding the abuse. I know now that my adult voice of reason and good judgment ( the one that can very confidently set healthy boundaries- AND HAS for 19 years) has been sabotaged by the child voice inside of me that needs to undo the boundary I have set because I am afraid of not being loved, or making a mistake, and hurting HIS FEELINGS which in turn might affect my safety. CRAZY STUFF but I soooooo get it now. So... recently ( we have been separated for 1.5 years) with him living across the street, there have been many many opportunities for him to saunter over and try to manipulate through a few last possessions on the property ( machinery that I cannot move) , question about grandchildren... yadda.. yadda.. yadda... AND I have been able to observe and not absorb, and think,"of course he is doing that", and have allowed only my adult voice to have conversations with him and after doing this for the past 6 weeks am now experiencing the tables turned.! He is now the one who gets upset and I am calm. He is the one who is angry and frustrated in the conversation and accusatory and I am watching his words roll off my "teflon suit" ( THANK YOU DR. ROSENBERG)... and I am the one who keeps the conversation on point and calm and friendly and it is driving HIM NUTS BECAUSE HE IS UNABLE TO MANIPULATE ME! I AM TAKING BACK ME and he is not liking it. With continued therapy and taking this sound advice from Dr. Rosenberg, I plan only finally learning who I am and who I was supposed to be all these 63 years of my life and I am excited and motivated to move forward. It's all good advice and it works!
I've did this with someone in my work. I just didn't answer her. She was giving me a book full of abuse and threats I kept my cool. People heard this, many witnesses. My boss stepped in and tried to keep the peace I just said what will it actually take for you not only as a boss and also a witness to her reaction and my reaction to do something about this. Logically he knew I was right so he had to, she got suspended. Wanna know what I was told by the rest of the witnesses. Well by me not responding to her in any shape or form it pissed her off what did you expect her to do. 😂 That's when I discovered how many narcissists are in my place of work I don't have enough hands and toes to count the amount of narcissists I have in and around my life I think the statistics on the amount of narcissists in the world is wrong either that or I'm just very very unfortunate in my life placement.
I feel the same. There are many traits. If I count more than 7 they are verifiably on my list to watch out. Call it my paranoia of narcissist, I can tell you having raised 2 kids w a narc father, they recognize the traits in people also. It’s made it easier to get through middle & high school. It’s a lack of education for some of your Co workers. Some of them were already tainted by being followers the rest well those probably are narcs & need everyone on their side for future supply!
Good for you. Very professional and appropriate. I am anticipating that a colleague will verbally attack me soon. Here’s the fun part--she’s a “behavior resource specialist.” I have been calm in her presence and I’m not taking on her previous jabs to try and rattle my serene stance. This is a woman that works with children. Imagine!!! And their kind are common. Lord, give me strength to just maintain my cool “of course.” Won’t wrestle the pig
I agree. I too think the statistics could be wrong. Roght now at this stage of my recovery and awakening, i feel that it is the other way round, that the 10 percent of world population is normal and the rest narcissistic.
i removed my family and became the super one. they came after me and wanted to flip it as me being the one . that is sick in itsself i just removed then not look back. i could not thrive with the fake love and do not confuse people to what toxic or sick is because they do not know the difference and kill innocent people. my family imagine and kept a delusion despite they knew truth. i had to cry for my life knowing what would happen, and if n one haerd me who was intellegent common sense id become what they are. suffer and instead of them answer they used the ignore technique. this is dangerous when no ne or they feel they are the healthy but are not they are the sick ones and trying to save own ass. in this case someone strong has to setep in to help the victim who is not them. and i was the strong one beore i was hit in fatal and could not be that for me and was put back into the family who then abuse me by ignore me. so beware. i have the why technique. if they say yourjust not well. you ask why. if they say your something or something . ask them why? or what make her that.? it then reveals they have no basis for any accustaio and are using fake information on the victim,
My family are the ontrol freaks and when i escapet hem they could not take it. they wanted me to be sick and i outwit it. and abuse me. but when i began to get jobs in famous artist gallery and move and cut them off , the sister a super abuser was searching my mind seeking my words and informatoin and could not take it. stalked me . but never cared when iw as fie minutes away. she humilated me abuse me insult e while i was just wounded and in danger kid asking for right things. i held on to my lessons removed them had god and went up. wehn u ar doing better than sick people they cant take it. i was free and di not olook back i ran. for 11 year of my life i was being pushed into a coffin they built for me and i aws going to go to court and i had the brain . five years agoi was hit in a fatal hit on me to render me brain damge speachles intellegence damage and left. i was left to be now put back into the family who did not tell dr of my ptsd cptsd or abuse but amde me dependant and unable to get up . they failed to ask if i was in danger as i had violent person stalk me and ignore me. they did not one thing an using this ignore me would only kill me. who fuck need to be taught what to do ..
Narcs make up the statistics 😊🤓
Absolutely fantastic! I carry both your books around with me, most of the time! A sign of sanity , I think! Hope you come to London soon. Thank you Dr. Rosenberg. Legend and hero. xxx
Wrestling with a pig quote is a good one but I always liked this one more as it seems to be very down to earth:
"Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." - Mark Twain
Thanks for a great content!
Ross, you are a leading light in this field. You utterly and completely understand the complexity of living with a narcissist. Love your 10 stages - spot on. And love the 'of course' technique! Brilliant. Thank you for your amazing and insightful work.
Turn a deaf ear to the ground also treat as a 2 yr old having a tantrum and ignore completely
This bothers me a little because this is exactly what a narcissist does to torment and "punish" his victim. He will gaslight with a superior "I'll speak to you when you're calm" (AFTER pushing every button) and then will starve you for affection by leaving, knowing he's already isolated you and you'll be sitting there in the living room all alone...again.
Thanks one more time. I am in the middle of huge storm, feeling valuable. Your videos ground me in the Now, no more magical thinking, for the moments I have to face pnarcs, give me knowledge and strength. After that I go in isolation to process my shame, not worthy, not god enough emotions. Very grateful
You are so welcome.
I am feeling so much better in general since getting to stage 4 busy with stage 5 and your videos are instrumental in my recovery. Thank you
I had unsubbed your channel in a massive cleanup of my RUclips (I had subbed way too many 🙄 ... But because of the high quality of help vids I see you putting out there I resubbed 😊 ... Thank you again so much for all the work you're doing to help ppl rise above the "pig wrestling ring"! I'm so grateful that you are willing to share so much hard-earned wisdom for free as so many can't afford to buy books. Your "of course!" technique is spot on as is ODA - I've used ODA already and has really helped! Thank you again and God bless you 😊
Are you a minimalist?😂
Exactly.. I see mentally "Death" people everywhere.. Cause they walk around like Human, but they have no Empathy.. Flat death feeling.. Thank you for giving Practical Solution to recover.. ❤
I'm listening to this and thinking: It"s like healing from this is like slaying the 'spirit' of narcissism and codependency, it is found, of course in full blown sufferers in a condensed form, but it lingers in so many people and as such in the various ways social relationships I have manifested, like you say, so many friends have left and also the relationships with friends that have stayed have changed. I have also noticed that this increase in self respect can even stir up some malignancy in colleagues for example i never knew was there. I only heard of your observe not absorb technique this evening and realise i have been working with this intuitively. I'm very happy to be confirmed in this intuition because it will help me to be able to be more relaxed with it when it happens around me, especially with all the stress around the covid pandemonium going on, this is a major trigger for all kinds of psycho-pathology to be manifested.
Also I found this quote this evening which i would like to share with you which i think is very apt: "The sage uses his mind like a mirror. It remains in its place passively, and gives back what it receives without concealment. Therefore it can overcome things without distorting them." Chuang Tse
Thank you for your wonderful work!
Thanks for sharing Stanley! Great quote.
Wow I love that quote at the end. Is that the book it’s from?
tl;dr When a narc does something narcy, just think "of course they did that" so that you can be the observer instead of reacting to the narc, and that way you don't have to fight with them
Nice tactic!
"I need to go...uh...wash my hair". 😂
Christina D I need to go away from him!!!! Just go 😂😂
Yes! When he was escalating his abuses as if to test when I would mentally have a breakdown or heart attack,
I went to a friend's house for 2wks and seldom answered, let him hear us having fun, he changed to his best behavior over speakerphone...
Then it occurred to me... why not WIKI "HOW TO" make myself unavailable for a long period to someone... it said to keep making one excuse after another until they get it...
My current plan right now is, in the next few months (with God's help), to *become SEVERELY BORING to him until he finds new supply, then discards me,* then I can change my number with that excuse -- so he doesn't retaliate too much I hope, because my replacement can hopefully give him supply
I was just going to ask, but what if they live with you and you can’t leave?? Great idea!
@@jenniferharrell77 Great question. Anyone?
@@jenniferharrell77 you need to get out of the house for some time to preserve yourself. Take a walk, go to the store, something. Because you need a break right?
Ross Rosenberg, so glad to have found you on RUclips and to hear your message!! 💎
Such truly wonderful information Ross . Love your analogies. Your soft spoken words are fierce fighters against the poisonous predators that walk among us !! Thank you , is to little a word for your insight . You are the antidote to these toxic people and your strategies to deal with them are brilliant .
Thank you kindly
Even though it’s 4 months later that I’m watching this, I can’t tell you how timely this is for me. I have a narcissistic boss who always gets in to my head. She constantly tries to break me down. This week was bad. I stayed pretty detached and did not engage, so she worked even harder and kept me in a 1-hour meeting for 2.5 hours trying to demean me. Even though I was able to not take the bait, I reacted internally afterwards. I was an anxious wreck and couldn’t sleep. While I’m getting better at observing, I still absorb and then I’m disappointed in myself! But I think the “of course” technique can really help, particularly if I write it out when I have to meet or speak with my boss so I can be ready to watch and not engage. Having a visual cue would help me remember this is their game... and I’m not going to play! I’m not going to absorb!
Thank you for the comment! Ross is now working on this subject (narcissists in the workplace) and will release a video about it in the next couple of months. If you have more questions, comments, suggestions (or want to share a bit of your story), please write to us to help@selfloverecovery.com. We would love to hear from you and your ideas for Ross to create more relevant content for all of you. Thanks again!
Ross Rosenberg - Thank you for covering this subject. I have had multiple encounters with NPD in the workplace and suffered PTSD as a result. I’ll send some thoughts to the email you shared. Thanks again!
L. Row, these people are masters at "emotionally infecting" other people-- I think it takes a black belt in emotional literacy to truly avoid absorbing the poison. If you were able to avoid being provoked during the long meeting, it sounds to me like you are well on your way to becoming narc-proof! Not only are narcissists hypersensitive to inflation or deflation by others, they themselves are highly skilled at making other people feel wonderful about themselves (through flattery) or horrible about themselves (through massive guilt-trips, intimidation, etc).
@@a.k.7424 - you are absolutely right! I’m still on my journey of watching and reflecting so I make sure I stay narc-proof! Thanks!
@L Row: yes narcissists waste our time a lot. And your boss seems like mine. I think they are all the same. I resigned my job 6 months before due to the emotional and mental abuse from her. Narcissists love power, so we can always find them higher up the ladder.
I really like the calm energy of your presentations dr. R. Thanks for this invaluable information.
Thank u Doctor 🙏. “Of course” this video had to be awesome.
thank you ross. the of course technique has been so effective!
Glad it helped Daniel!
Watch Key and Peele's Meagan and Andre episodes. Brilliant portrayal of human magnet syndrome. Especially the break up (attempt) episode.
Oh boy, Ross Rosenberg. This is very encouraging. I feel a little relief already, as I believe I can master 'observe don't absorb', and use your technique to help me stay calm. Right now I realize can get frazzled pretty easily. YAY!! Yahoo!! I'm looking forward to that stage!!
Thank you so much for sharing this great technique, Ross!🙏
You are very welcome! Glad this is helpful.
Thank you Ross, for your work. I’ve used your technique for years! Even well after divorce. I always pass this on to whom ever is open and willing to not get suck into the bullshit by their drama making, crazy addictive, psychopath! Lol This technique was such help for me going through my divorce... I don’t know what I would have done without it! Thanks again!
Thank you Lisa for your support. Glad to know this is helpful!
Thank you very much for this video. My brain cannot untangle this wicked web, thank you for making this smoke go away.
Glad it helped!
You are a genius sir . .thank you for saving my life. .please do more video on pathological loneliness. . I lost my parents when I was a child . .I suffered a lot while growing as girl..no wonder I got stuck in this abusive relationship. .You are a Life saving god for me ...Thanks a lot for videos
You are very welcome. Thank you for your support. 🙏
Thank you Ross for sharing these extraordinarily helpful techniques and information!
Fantastic, appreciation and gratitude Ross! ...Now I have much clearer understanding and insight by making the connection of my ‘pathological loneliness’ as being linked with aspects of SLD. It is releasing gradually through identifying and exiting unhelpful relationships and entering into a new dynamic to find a creative pathway with the one I can not leave behind completely just yet. Thank you and best wishes for all of your good work which I choose to engage with. 🙏 x
Thank you for your support Kathryn!
I don’t see it as a lover , family , relationship, I feel and label it as a situation
Your videos are amazing. This one had me smiling at my phone whilst you told the story of your coffee meeting. This will take practice but I can see how it’s the only way to deal with these people. Thank you for sharing this video.
Glad this was helpful. Ross has other videos on his technique ODA, including a full video seminar at www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique
Awesome video, I learned a lot. Took studious notes as I listened so I could remember what I heard. Keeping focused is the key, and staying alert . Thank you for sharing!
Excellent Karen! Glad this was helpful.
Narcissists are: wily, covert, manipulative, despicable….and it’s our job to shore up our self love, as that is something they cannot do. When you understand their hatred for you is only a cover for their own self shame it’s easier to say ‘Of Course’.
Yes the of course technique is a great disassociation observation technique
Now you said something intriguing. Your program can teach me to predict the manipulation techniques they will use. Yahoo--I look forward to getting to that stage. My mom taught me 'forewarned is forearmed'. That's very promising. Thank you Ross Rosenberg for giving me something to look forward to!
I LOVE this!!! What a FANTASTIC tool to have in my toolbox. Thank you.
Of course he would say "I would never do that"
idk if it's because I'm an only child of a covert narc mother thats a public figure but I'm not AT ALL scared of loneliness, Im scared of all the weird intrusive thoughts that won't go away when i got wise and grey rocked her and the wildly predictable behavior. it's like that's her whole personality..good grief you aint never lied about any of this❤
Well it stops reactive abuse. Your observe don't absorb technique been using it for 2 years. It requires object constancy.
Thanks so much for your work, education and support. Will definitely use this technique. Was already doing it to an extent, with different words "sounds familiar-same crap, different day."Recovery continues...God bless!
Do you remember that song from REO Speedwagon "Riding the storm out" ? It's about narcissistic abuse. Listen to the words.
Whhhaaat? Just looked up the lyrics...narcissistic abuse, really? Nah.
@@misottovoce Well, in the song its not storming. It's a full moon.
Waiting for the fall out is the storm.
Not missing a thing in the city.
@@sototallyover2359 Hmmm...to each their own interpretation, I suppose!
“That ain’t Love “ by REO Speedwagon
Such a helpful video and clear explanations. 'Of Course' is much better reminder of what is going on than my mental 'uh huh' somehow. Somehow the 'uh huh' (or in my German Ja, ja) kept me in all the past anger for the same old same old. 'Of Course' reminds me of your words 'Observe, not Absorb'. Tried this today and it works. I just carry on and get on with things. Today was especially full of much organization, vet, aged slightly demense mother, aging cranky ill narecissist husband...and zero appreciation. My narc husband needs several explanationa for tthe simplist things,, but blames me when he doesn't get it the first 2-3 explanations. By the forth one, I get gaslighted: Why didn't you say so, now I can understand. Oh and the walking on eggs and provocation and pity partying or explosiveness. 'Of course'...my new safety valve. Thank you so much!
I saw my covert narcissist mom for the first time in two-and-a-half years Christmas Eve night. To sum up my evening: If I walked on eggshells and bought into her provocation, she wouldn't pity party or go into an explosive rage. But if I didn't buy into her provocation or walk on eggshells, she would go into a pity party and explosive rage, telling her victim story to my aunts as soon as I left. Indeed, the latter is what happened. Once I got home, I got a text from my aunt urging peace between my mom and I because life is short, etc. Eventually, I'll tell my story organically as well as my sister so my aunts can finally understand the child envy/explosive rage side of the mom we grew up with is the same person they've seen glimpses of from time to time. Only my sister and I or our mom is right as both sides can't be true simultaneously. It's just a matter of time. And until then, we will live in peace having established our own identities and sense of boundaries despite her that only came the last three years which were urgently needed. But now, by knowing ourselves and knowing our narc mom, she is cornered - and not with her ears pinned back because without having bought into her narcissistic supply, she is a wounded dog.
OMG, thank you. I have this emotional deficit disorder, I can see it. And, I’m drawn to these people who subtly put me down, to try and win them over. I do it over and over again, and that’s just crazy. What about when years of abuse finally leaves us shell shocked and we develop BPD? Is the treatment for BPD and EDD the same? BDP seems like aggravated EDD.
Thank you so much Dr. Rosenberg!
You're most welcome Tess!
I'm a ninja in training. 👍
THIS CONTENT IS SO VALUABLE THANK YOU SO MUCH
You are so welcome Gina!
Bless you xo that is a wrap up like never before I Thankyou....
You are welcome.
People dealing with narcs should take a play from my particularly antisocial pathology: Ignore, Disrupt, Degrade, Distance. 👈🏻
I’d minus the degrade. Then you’re playing at their level.
Like someone mentioned earlier...Of Course=Self Empowering. Wonderful, thank you again.
Ross, I have read your books and I follow your channel... I feel like a feral cat I want to be close to people but I can’t trust them ... is this just where I am now forever? Should I try to embrace my safe life. But lonely life? I have set up all my boundaries, but as free as I am. I’m now alone. Is this it? How do I move forward to any connection with good safe friends?
That is where l am!🤦♀️
@@tammysawyers1146 and also to Dana Thomas-- I hope this doesn't seem too obvious, if you have had loads of narcissistic friends and narcissistic romantic partners, one thing to learn is to move very slowly and gradually with prospective new friends, and to keep your observing intellect in the driver's seat! Of course, it is challenging to move slowly, especially when you feel lonely and eager for new friends. I used to be very naive and also impulsive with new acquaintances, I would try to bring them in to be very close friends before I had adequately determined if they were safe people. Also, abusers and narcissists like to move fast, dazzle and love-bomb, so if you keep the pace slow, you might lose some of them right away :)
I so feel this
Always amazing and perfect timing! So happy to have come across you! Do you have info when kids are involved ?
Thank you Carie for the comment and the question! This is a topic Ross is working on right now and soon there will be a new seminar, including co-parenting with a narcissist. If you have more questions or comments, we would love to hear from you. You can write us to: help@selfloverecovery.com.
Fantastic. Thanks Ross 👏🙏
GREAT talk!!! Thank you for your wise words. 😊
Thanks for watching Christine!
Thank you!! Very helpful!!!
I had no knowledge of npd I had no preparation I just told him after 2 years of disrespect to get the hell out of my apt 25 min later I was narc free I felt and embraced my pain and never looked back it's five yrs later and I'm woke aware and grateful now by nine yrs old I was a ophan and losing my mother is the worst pain I still deal with I'm 52 now and living with out her has taught me that nothing will ever hurt as much as that so throwing out the trash narc was nothing I couldn't get over
I am a Christian I am not perfect but striving for perfection each day even though it is difficult. I do wish to honor you in Jesus Name because of your great efforts to help people be free from wicked influences that are destroying their lives. So thank Sir for your great work it is highly commendable. You also explain things very well, thank you. Here is my wish for you, may you continue to be used of God to reach many lives and may the grace of God by Jesus Christ encourage and motivate you in your righteous work.
Hi Terri Jo, hope your day is going well. May the grace of God come to you in your stillness and may you experience the love and kindness of Jesus Christ by the Spirit of God. Hope your day is blessed.
Thank you dear woman, may you day be blessed.
I have a problem with Jesus blessing the romans while they were beating him because oh, they didn´t knew what they were doing! this is a ridiculous behaviour. I know as a christian you need to imitate Jesus, but this is unhealthy.
@@analiviaminsk1171just remember he is God and we are not. There are all sorts of other exhortations for human relationships. He was dying for the sins of the world when he said that. He didn’t talk to the Pharisees that way. Context, context, context.
@@moname56 ah sure also all fine with the sins of the holy inquisition, made in His name, all cleaned and washed. Dude if you think the amount of people that would had been safe if Jesus gave up, that should be his temptation in fact. Telling him what people would do in his name in the future, that would be spot on!
Its a dance Ending the relationship worked. I.m
On my own such a relief no more fear or self doubt.Doing great
The anecdotal examples make ALL the difference. Please, more of that!
ODA, Of Course, Don’t go in the wrestling ring. So helpful. Thank you.
When my exnarc calls me i swich on pity play and he stops. He thinks i have no resources.)
Elena Nikesha pity play? What is that ?
@@cieloazul378 Pity play is often used by narcs. They complain about this and that and people begin feeling sorry for them and helping them. Now i use their method. For example when my exhusband calls me up and wants to take smth or return back to me) i tell him that i'm ill, have lost money etc. He stops being interested in me.
Elena Nikesha tha k you for the reply and your example. I got it
Smart!
Good technique! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for watching!
Thank you Mr. Ross....this video is much needed in my life at this time....i have to use my ninja moves on a whole team of narcs....your wisdom gives me tools and so much strength.
God bless. 🙏
Thank you Ross. It has helped me a lot.
I love this. I kind of started observing the patterns that used to control me, naturally, due to the fact that the Narc and I only communicate about specific things via text message as needed. Communication is rare and as needed. But even so!!! I’ve caught carefully crafted lies by omission intended to manipulate me into guilt while elevating themselves. Masterpieces, I tell you! Plausible deniability on point. If the conversations had happened in person, they could have easily used the excuse “you just don’t listen,” or “you don’t pay attention to details,” or “you’re so forgetful!” Or “I never said that!” Lol!! How many times have I heard those? I thought they just lacked clear communication. No, they’ve been lying and withholding information and sabotaging my self worth slowly over time. On purpose! And that’s just ONE of the techniques I’ve uncovered by going almost no contact and only communicating by text. Now I expect nothing less. I know every communication I receive will have the purpose of manipulating my perception or soliciting a response from me. I no longer expect true communication.
I love your delivery and expertise its on point. Im going to use these when meeting my covert ex wife narc today to pick up my son. I dont want to see her face after finding out how shes cheated on me after only four months of her leaving the marital home for selfish reasons which she puts all on me of course. When we meet, She always breathes really heavy , sighs , and acts nostalgic to because she knows its my weakness. Ahe hates when i dont make eye contact and am short with her. It causes injuries and makes her want to hurt me again. Thanks
Love the teaching mode presentation. I always learn so much from this.
Glad it was helpful!
thankyou, Im still practicing the observe don't absorb ODA in my interactions...."of couse they would" the words are self empowering ....self preservation of one energy all from a vantage point of self love. So much to unlearn and relearn. I appreciate each message, thankyou again. The power of this statement reinstates one's confidence and trusting our own barometer of feelings, no more going down the bunnie trails.. of induced conversation. Improving every day 🙏❤❤❤❤❤ ☮
Great Video Ross! Thank you!
I am beginning to purchase a bunch of really cheap and second-hand coats now which are expendable so that when or if, sadly i stumble across a total narc for the first time in a pub, say, i can use Ross's perfect technique of "OF COURSE" and then, when i'm really bored enough and have learned something new from the narc(and not just their regular bull-crap)....i get up(leaving the coat behind for deception purposes), head towards the toilet, enter the toilet, then immediately exit the toilet, head towards the main entrance or exit(as far from the narc as possible) and WALK OFF INTO THE CALM NIGHT.
It is like finding yourself in a Bear-trap....so, henceforth i shall name it the "BEAR-TRAP COAT TECHNIQUE".(or a B.T. C.T.).
Hope this is ok with you Ross....GREAT CHANNEL.
P.S. GOOD BEARD Ross...suits you sir..."something for the weekend sir?"
Brilliant!
Thanks Natalie...the other bonus is of course, buy your cheap coats from Charity Shops...and effectively, narcissism is helping those charities!!
YOU win by not becoming a victim of narcissistic shenanigans, the Charity Shops win, more knowledge helps other discarded folk to win their lives back....and the narc's sadistic ways are halted in their tracks that night. Maybe B.C.C.T. has a bright future...ohhh...and abandoned coats will give it away that narcs frequent the areas. In fact, after a while, the narcs may have to leave the areas of abandoned coats...leaving the establishment narc-free.
BEAR-TRAP COAT TECHNIQUE could really balloon over time...before you know it, ADIDAS, FORD, McDONALD'S and the like might wish to advertise on abandoned narcky coats...ok, i'm getting a little carried away now.
Thanks Ross
"My power is in not reacting (absorbing)"
How funny you say to say "ofcourse" to yourself... because I've been saying to him "ofcourse" a lot when he is telling me lies and playing head games... (this was before I saw you say that, so thanks)...
Today he said "I don't know why I didn't call you when I promised, my wristwatch messed up and had the wrong time on it... I love you"...
I DID NOT ASK ANY LOGICAL QUESTIONS... BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULD LOVE THAT I "work myself up" (react or absorb)... so I said "ofcourse,... goodnight"....
I know he's been doing things to hurt me on purpose because he's been asking me how I feel, what I think, in response to lots of things he's done or said lately... even to future hypotheticals!
LITERALLY, when everything was going well, he asked me all this!... "How do you feel when I leave (your place)?... How do you feel when I don't call you?... How would you feel if I told you I wanted a break?... How would you feel if I told you I wanted to break up with you?... How would you feel if I didn't see you for a while?... How do you feel when you're all alone?...
WHEN GOING GREY ROCK,... I have to remember *DO NOT show I'm upset in the slightest cuz that breaks grey rock!*... ANY SLIGHT hurt or upsetness you display or express... gives them the supply they want (YOU STILL ENTER the wrestling ring, emotionally or mentally)!
I will be sure to use the of course method to see how the narcissists in my life operate and I develop the sixth sense to detect narcissists everywhere. I need to avoid getting into these toxic relationships, again.
Thank you, thank you.
You are very welcome Kelly.
self love deficet disorder- i love the phrase
Amazing. God bless you 😊
Thx again, Ross 4 your insightfullness & sharing your vast knowledge on this important subject matter. It will help so many...& we appreciate you..Hugs & many thanks, D. Allison 🙂🙂💕💕
These are very useful videos and helpful in a practical way. One thing I've missed in this video is - do I say "of course" out loud to the narcissist, or just in my head? If it's just in my own head, how do I respond to the denigration out loud?
thank you GOD BLESS YOU
You are so welcome Shirley!
The ‘Of Course’ method is an adjunct to the Grey Rock technique. It works a little bit better than Grey Rock: it raises no objection, induces no other conversations/questions, and does not put you in a defensive posture.
It technically affirms the PN without actually affirming anything that the PN expect the SLD to serve up at the moment. It’s the flip side of the open-ended inducing technique that the PN initiate when he/she needs their narcissistic supply.🙈🙉🙊
Ross I love your videos
Thanks for the support. 🙏
Would like to see/hear 3 - 5 short conversations role playing or modeling this technique. If it is in here, at what time marker is it located?
Thank you- that sounds like a good technique worth applying.
It actually does become funny.
Hi Ross, what about a narcissist that is abusive to a child?
Makes sooo much sense.
Thank you
You are welcome 🙂