HAHHAHAAHAHAHHA TOUCHÉ! With a silky resolution effect of: “so don’t you ever give that much of a fuck, cause you better focus on pistachio icecream - life then will taste better”
Let me be the devil real quick. Most people eventually get over a breakup. And are happier after a while. If you stay the what if stays with you indefinitely 🤓 On the other hand, the grass isn’t always greener
Reminds me of 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath: "I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor... I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest..." There is duality in every choice we make: love/loss, relief/grief, joy/sadness. Both/and. One of the most beautiful and painful parts about being human is the finite nature of our lives ❤ Everyone deserves to live with the freedom to choose their own path.
The relationship as you knew it is over. The question is whether you try to build a new one with the same person…or with someone else…. Either way you are starting over…
Also remember, that hard times happen in every relationship, let some time pass before you just leave, unless you or someone is in danger. Give yourself time to heal before you make a decision…let God guide you!💖🙌🙏
@lombmusic07 praying to him and surrendering whatever it is to the care of God! Ask him got guidance in the area. You can also meditate or journal…really just talk to God and ask him to reveal his will!🙏
I've been praying, asking God to guide me with this decision, but I'm still stuck in the middle. I get treated so well by my boyfriend, but I still wonder if he's the man God has for me.
@@alliyahsmith9779 I 100% relate! I said this pray so often when I first started dating my now husband. I just kept asking God to reveal to me if this was the man that I was meant to be with, well…God answered! Keep the faith, keep reaching out to God, he will guide you! You are worthy of God’s love and perfect plan for your life!
Separating from my husband after 25 years has been the most painful experience ever . My first everything. Yet sometimes you reach a point of maturity that love just doesn’t seem enough When you desire to be real about the way you want to live Compatiblity is so important Without it One cannot live authentically ❤
The biggest thing to me is how long I was going to sacrifice me and the life you wanted and give all that to someone who would never love or respect me - because they showed me that every day - love does not conquer all and some things never should have happened at all - decisions are life changing
Now I know, why many months after leaving my boyfriend I still miss parts of him while at the same time I realize that this relationship was toxic and not good for me at all. Man, that is a great explanation! Thank you 👏👏
I left my marriage of 28 years. I took 18 months to get up the courage. There was no part of me that held on. My decision WAS 💯 perfect. I'm unattached, meeting new people and excited about what lies ahead. 💖🐾🐦✨🎁
@dannellecarroll Thank you for asking. ✨🐦He gave me the silent treatment for those 18 months. From mid-2018. I trained myself to not talk at home. Our kids had left home to work/study. There was silence at home or he was nasty to me. Locked me out of the house. Hid all the keys to the outside, except the front door. Called me a f*cking parasite. At the end of 2019, I took my eldest daughter's advice and planned to leave. And then divorced him. 💖💖💖
@@jennifere4641 Oh sweet friend I am so so sorry this happened to you. You are so right for choosing you! 💞 I’m so happy you got away from that situation! ✨❤️
I’m having trouble seeing what the loss is in staying and it ending up being a beautiful relationship. I think a third option is you go and if it’s meant to be it will come back. Don’t stay or go, just be. The universe will guide you
That's what I had to do... I let him go not because I didn't love him but because I wanted him to heal and find peace & I also told him I need to heal & find peace. You have to make peace with both of your choices
Jay & Esther are speaking about individuals who are suffering enough issues in their relationship that it would take a lot of work to make “a beautiful relationship”. And when you do the work, you don’t know if it’ll work out. No one just stays in a troubled relationship & it morphs of its own accord into smthg beautiful. And if the relationship is already beautiful, the individuals within it won’t wrestle with the dilemma of staying or leaving.
I did like the rest of her answer (not in the video) because essentially you need to be sure you don’t value what you’re losing more than what you’re sure you already have.
@@naomilestrad6725 I left. In just the last 6 months I’ve lived so much life. I’ve seen 10 new countries. I’ve performed in a show for the first time in years. I’ve got back to having some self care and prioritising me. And most importantly I’ve let go (never thought I’d say this) I’ve let go of the sense of responsibility and guilt I feel about my ex and his future or his own decisions. I am only in charge of my own life. I don’t look back in sadness or anger. I look back and smile at the good times and the learning and the memories. It wasn’t a waste
lol normally we hold up until it takes your health down maybe you start binge eating, skin picking… depression and then you’ll know what is the root and how to end them. It’s almost like having a tumor removed. And once you end it is only blessings since you recover your health and there’s no more wondering 🙌
From my experience, once you start fighting to revive a relationship, that means it's already dead. By fighting to save it, you put it on life support. You are keeping it alive by a scanner and machines. Pull the plug.
Hope you’re this helps: I’ve left relationships in the past without regrets ever. The way I do it is, I ask myself like really deep ask myself, if I can live with the behavior (which is usually negative) of the other person. Like he is never going to change much, that the behavior he’s had in the past is the same behavior he presently has. If I can be okay with it I stay but if I am counting y that things will be different I cut my losses. And I’ve never been wrong. He still has the same issues, just with a different partner.
this is a great perspective. I recently left a relationship that I was in for about 8 years where I spent so much time hoping that things would change. If somebody’s willing to change that’s one thing but if they’re not willing to change you have to decide whether or not you can live with them as they are and if not, have the courage to leave. My former partner finally started making an effort to change when the reality of the relationship ending hit him but at that point it was too little, too late
@@anski-s I learned that when I asked my mother, when did she realize my father was a cheater, she said right after my oldest sibling, her very first child was born. Then I asked her then why did she have another whole 5 more children? She sadly said “because I thought he would change”. To this day my father is 70 and it’s been decades that they divorced and he still the same.
Mine keeps on telling me he can only change if I do. However the things that anger him are getting more and more ridiculous. When I tell him he can word his issues different he just gets more mad. He cusses at me and insults me for trivial things. Then when I've shut down or my feelings are hurt, he tells me not to act all sad because he pointed out what I did wrong and if I'm going to then I can just go home but if I'm going to go home that he doesn't want me to come back and to delete his number and block him and stop wasting his time. If I say ok and try and leave, he gets more aggressive and says meaner things but if I make myself act like I'm ok and don't talk about what happened, he'll act like were completely ok and will be nice again as long as I don't show I'm upset. It's getting to be too much. He makes me feel like the entire way I think and do things is wrong, selfish and entitled but I don't think I'm that bad of a person.
She's so correct. I was in a relationship that was abusive. I stayed with hope until he got physical. Even had hope, but the fear of harm and damage to trust and harm to my children were all too much to ignore anymore. I still wanted to work through things, but I decided to embrace reality rather than the future i was hoping for.
Yes. And for women in particular it's often the Dream of what the relationship Could be / Might have been - if he would just do this ..or just stop doing that thing. Giving up the dream or hope of something different / better can be harder to walk away from than the reality of what you are compromising so much of yourself to 'Live With'. Usually because there was so much emotional Investment In. That Dream.
This is a wonderful demonstration of the life of an individual who has lived with a narcissistic or even just had a relationship. I love the way she highlights the effects of the decision making process. It’s what every therapist should be brave enough to share! It’s not their lives or their decisions. What a therapist needs to give you is the honest truth. There are consequences for leaving and staying. There are wins for leaving (unfortunately not so much if you stay). What are you willing to gain and lose? Both are important to consider. Ponder that! (Standard of living, home/money/cars) family; friends; health; emotions ; safety; respect ; self-esteem; dreams; future; and so much more)! One of the hardest things for me was aging and saying to myself is this what I want to be the purpose of my life-it had been nothing short of a ´human sacrifice’ for things that pass away. What were my children learning from me? Will he eventually almost ki11 me or actually ki11 me or harm me and not even take care of me? Yes? I actually almost di@d! Will you???
That’s pretty convoluted. If you want to leave, focus on moving forward and have enough money to support yourself. Don’t get hung up on the idea of what could have been.
This resonates with me. A year ago my ex and I broke up as friends after 5 years. It was the right decision for me. However it was also hard and there are many things I still appreciate about him and our shared time together, and sometimes I'm sad that it didn't work out.
It took me two years to solidify my decision because I kept thinking it was me and that I had all these things to fix. That the problems were usually my fault. Turns out he was just being manipulative and lying to me. I’m in no way perfect, but I know I tried my hardest. Went to therapy, looked up ways to be a better partner, tried to make sure he felt heard/supported/loved, did special things just because etc. Turns out he was just taking advantage of me and was doing terrible things behind my back. Never again.
I love Esther Perel! She leaves no stone unturned! But she turns each one over with such care and inquisitive interest to find the truth. I so enjoy watching how she thinks.
I’ve felt this and told myself this but couldn’t articulate as gracefully as she did. So very true. That’s why it takes people so long to actually leave a relationship.
This is so true. Loss of a long term marriage is worse than bereavement IMO... No one understands your grief. Grief support groups are just for the widowed... 😢
Everything is a relationship. Grieving leaving a country, a community, old environment, friends, cousins... Life does not revolve around male female relationship only. Esther Perel of all people certainly would not disagree.
I think this is why I have struggled so much to stay with a wonderful partner but not in my home country. It’s the loss of everything else that has broken me
I felt that. Also think what’s is more unbearable, grieving the part of you what could it have been if you left , or grieving the loss, then you will have your answer.
I just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. It feels weird as we have some circumstances when we can't live alone, but together. So, at first be both were crying, but today we talked about it a lot, about the relationship, about the reasons, about some topics that I don't you'd ever mention in the relationship. And I feel so free and at the same time I feel horrible, because it felt kinda nice, what If I made a bad decision. But I think it's for the best for both of us. Maybe in the future, someday we'll meet again and start over, as it was, because it wasn't bad, it was okay, there were no chemistry from my part and I didn't have the vibe with her, however, maybe our life will change us, so we'll become more compatible. I don't know, I hope this is how it goes, but I need also accept the reality, that probably we need some time alone, and those hopes will change forever.
Not everyone can help carry your torch and vice versa. . . When the bad starts to outweigh the good, that's when you decide. You both will most likely move on to better matched partners. That is just life, unfortunately. And it is all okay at the same time! ❤❤❤
I think what she was trying to say was, you can almost never be 100% sure. My thoughts - nobody can feel what you are feeling in a relationship and nobody can decide for you, a part of you will grieve one way or another, whatever you may decide. So it's really up to an individual, there is no formula to calculate if the decision you are taking is right or wrong, only time will say.
Man oh man is this big for me. The eclipse is conjunct my north node at the same time Pluto is square my natal Chiron. All month i've been healing and claiming my self worth, healing the lineage, and powering up to leave a very unhealthy relationship/power dynamic that has left me with cptsd. Looks like after the eclipse my real world will really start to shift. Looking forward to it, but also . . . It's gonna be hard. Know your worth, my friends, as deeply and truly as you can. Claim it. Life is so much better when we aren't letting other people stand in where our own power should reign supreme.
My ex made it pretty easy to figure out that we won't ever be together again. Broke me into a million pieces in the process. The week after I moved out he went on a date with his local coffee chick who he has seen everyday for the past year or more. We were engaged to be married, together 7years... and he showed me that I am not worth shit to him. And I never was.
He is selfish in the way that he is trying to distract himself from reflecting on his loss and actually resembling a respectable and humble human being. Pretty disgusting and shallow! When someone does wrong, they feel bad and try to make themselves feel better about themsleves. That poor coffee girl! She has no idea what a shell of a man he is!
I'm done grieving. Ten Years Over. I got Redemption 2023. Your set up had been greatesr help accomplished. I Am at my Peace ,I had never been since 2001.
I'm going to look at this from a different angle....why doesn't anyone tell you that entering into a relationship means you're going to lose a part of you. In my experience, it seems that some men in my life never got the memo. We need to tell anyone young enough to date that when they decide to be in a relationship they will need to be told... "Grieve the part of you that would never know what it would have been like if you stayed single." Or said in their vows that they are very aware that they are giving up something!!
She said it beautifully, Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I always feel is the scariest, toughest, decision one can make. Especially because you wouldn’t wanna leave and have the need to come back later
Idk if she answered the question, but from my experience being with someone when one of you believes or wishes to live life a different way than the other will create a rift, a point where no one wants to live a life of compromise. I think true love is having the ability to love someone despite them not being with you. Set them free for true love is freedom.
Leaving allowed me to get out of the fog and see all the things that I thought were good for what they really were. There was no set up …..happy 💯.I actually felt like the first time wore prescription glasses…the light ..the true colours, now I could now see properly
Either way you have to be 100% sure about your decision. Stay or leave????How??? You apply what I call the 2 Fs: Forgive and Forget. Either way you leave your past behind you. Whatever happened cannot be changed so why cry??? The only thing we’re going to do with that is prolong our suffering but if you accept reality and let it go you have to realize there’s a bright future waiting for you. No resentment… just let it go…..Good luck ❤❤❤❤
My mom and dad usually get along with each other But when they get caught in a fight, they almost reach a point of divorce It always disturbs me My mom is very nasty and she always says disgusting and unbearable things to dad in a fight
Como saber se vale a pena salvar um relacionamento? Devo ficar ou devo ir, é uma das questões fundamentais. E o problema é o seguinte: mesmo que você decida ficar ou mesmo que eles decidam ir, você pode fazer isso e ao mesmo tempo ter uma parte de você que na verdade mantém o outro lado. Se você acha que essa decisão é 100% perfeita, sem dúvida, não hesite, então é uma armação. Se você partir, você precisa ser capaz de sair enquanto experimenta algumas coisas que podem ter sido boas, mesmo que seja apenas um sonho do que foi, se você ficar, você terá que ser capaz de lamentar a parte de você que nunca saberemos o que teria sido como se você realmente tivesse partido.
Your biggest regret is staying; people who betray you do not change. The important lesson is understanding capability of betrayal is built into personality.
I thought it was just me that was weak. Feeling the loss when leaving or staying and feeling weak because I didn't want to go...where was this woman when I was in my twenties?😮 I thought I was the only one feeling that way or weak because of my doubts. Didn't know everyone felt that way.
An elegant and heartbreakingly accurate way of saying “you’re fucked either way.”
HAHHAHAAHAHAHHA TOUCHÉ! With a silky resolution effect of: “so don’t you ever give that much of a fuck, cause you better focus on pistachio icecream - life then will taste better”
Muahahaha.. love that
Let me be the devil real quick. Most people eventually get over a breakup. And are happier after a while. If you stay the what if stays with you indefinitely 🤓
On the other hand, the grass isn’t always greener
Ugh, so painfully true!😢
@@sunny100294 that's until you get into a new relationship with the next person and the cycle begins once again.
You won't leave until the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving
Whoever you are, I wish you to obtain all the very good you visualised for yourself.
Thanks for your perfectly nailed thought ☀️☀️👌🏾
Thank you...
💯 Facts
Well said,
1000% true.
The moment you realize that the pain of staying is gonna be bigger than the pain of leaving that's exactly the moment you end the relationship
If they bring you peace, that's all you need to save a relationship. Simple as that.
I agree. I don't like this concept of hers.
Save it, if there is peace? Not needs saving then?
Reminds me of 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath:
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor...
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest..."
There is duality in every choice we make: love/loss, relief/grief, joy/sadness. Both/and. One of the most beautiful and painful parts about being human is the finite nature of our lives ❤
Everyone deserves to live with the freedom to choose their own path.
Love it
So beautifully put
Thank you
Beautiful
Gorgeous.
She articulated it so beautifully and truthfully
She really did 😫👏🏽
But she didn’t answer the question 🙊
Question not answered!
Yeah, she didn't even answer it.
She’s like: I don’t have an answer for ya.
You have to experience ‘loss’ to some degree no matter what outcome you choose. ❤
I felt relief. She was doing my head in almost daily, we became completely incompatible.
Yes 👍 it’s a sure thing
The relationship as you knew it is over. The question is whether you try to build a new one with the same person…or with someone else….
Either way you are starting over…
😢💯
At least "the loss" is less than the gain. 😅
Be quiet...be still... breathe... then follow the guidance of your soul...it knows what to do ❤
Always ❤
That’s exactly what I did. And that gave me the courage to leave.
Also remember, that hard times happen in every relationship, let some time pass before you just leave, unless you or someone is in danger. Give yourself time to heal before you make a decision…let God guide you!💖🙌🙏
@lombmusic07 praying to him and surrendering whatever it is to the care of God! Ask him got guidance in the area. You can also meditate or journal…really just talk to God and ask him to reveal his will!🙏
@lombmusic07by living his principles
I've been praying, asking God to guide me with this decision, but I'm still stuck in the middle. I get treated so well by my boyfriend, but I still wonder if he's the man God has for me.
@@alliyahsmith9779 I 100% relate! I said this pray so often when I first started dating my now husband. I just kept asking God to reveal to me if this was the man that I was meant to be with, well…God answered! Keep the faith, keep reaching out to God, he will guide you! You are worthy of God’s love and perfect plan for your life!
Separating from my husband after 25 years has been the most painful experience ever .
My first everything.
Yet sometimes you reach a point of maturity that love just doesn’t seem enough
When you desire to be real about the way you want to live
Compatiblity is so important
Without it
One cannot live authentically ❤
Have you found more compatible partner
@@rafymsr4799 not interested.
Learning to find my own equilibrium of feminine and masculine energy is my priority .
@@claudiawilliams-BEYOUwhat was your past husband missing that you needed
The biggest thing to me is how long I was going to sacrifice me and the life you wanted and give all that to someone who would never love or respect me - because they showed me that every day - love does not conquer all and some things never should have happened at all - decisions are life changing
Extremely well said ! For us it's 24 years & the emotional disconnect almost broke me 😥
You grieve, but it doesn't take long... specially for people that are secure and know that they gave thier best and tried it all
Now I know, why many months after leaving my boyfriend I still miss parts of him while at the same time I realize that this relationship was toxic and not good for me at all. Man, that is a great explanation! Thank you 👏👏
Well said! I left and have learned I was truly dying. I am a new person now with energy, vitality, and excitement for life. ❤
We are two 🙋🏽♀️👏🏽
Stay to lose part of yourself, leave to lose the other person!
This❤
To stay makes healing much more difficult and takes longer than leaving. It is very brave of someone to stay because it is much more challenging...
No, I dont think so
I left my marriage of 28 years. I took 18 months to get up the courage. There was no part of me that held on. My decision WAS 💯 perfect. I'm unattached, meeting new people and excited about what lies ahead. 💖🐾🐦✨🎁
2 steps behind you!!
Was there a straw that broke? Or just time? If u don’t mind me asking 💞 so happy you’re choosing you.
@dannellecarroll Thank you for asking. ✨🐦He gave me the silent treatment for those 18 months. From mid-2018. I trained myself to not talk at home. Our kids had left home to work/study. There was silence at home or he was nasty to me. Locked me out of the house. Hid all the keys to the outside, except the front door. Called me a f*cking parasite.
At the end of 2019, I took my eldest daughter's advice and planned to leave. And then divorced him. 💖💖💖
@@jennifere4641 Oh sweet friend I am so so sorry this happened to you. You are so right for choosing you! 💞 I’m so happy you got away from that situation! ✨❤️
Every body is carrying baggage.
I’m having trouble seeing what the loss is in staying and it ending up being a beautiful relationship. I think a third option is you go and if it’s meant to be it will come back. Don’t stay or go, just be. The universe will guide you
That's what I had to do... I let him go not because I didn't love him but because I wanted him to heal and find peace & I also told him I need to heal & find peace. You have to make peace with both of your choices
@@shantaywicklander4773yea we need to just stop forcing shit freal, what’s meant to be will be 💯
Jay & Esther are speaking about individuals who are suffering enough issues in their relationship that it would take a lot of work to make “a beautiful relationship”. And when you do the work, you don’t know if it’ll work out.
No one just stays in a troubled relationship & it morphs of its own accord into smthg beautiful.
And if the relationship is already beautiful, the individuals within it won’t wrestle with the dilemma of staying or leaving.
I did like the rest of her answer (not in the video) because essentially you need to be sure you don’t value what you’re losing more than what you’re sure you already have.
This is so helpful. I realised listening to her that the fear of not knowing what could have been outweighed my fear of grieving the loss
What did you end up doing?
@@naomilestrad6725 I left.
In just the last 6 months I’ve lived so much life. I’ve seen 10 new countries. I’ve performed in a show for the first time in years. I’ve got back to having some self care and prioritising me. And most importantly I’ve let go (never thought I’d say this) I’ve let go of the sense of responsibility and guilt I feel about my ex and his future or his own decisions. I am only in charge of my own life.
I don’t look back in sadness or anger. I look back and smile at the good times and the learning and the memories. It wasn’t a waste
lol normally we hold up until it takes your health down maybe you start binge eating, skin picking… depression and then you’ll know what is the root and how to end them. It’s almost like having a tumor removed. And once you end it is only blessings since you recover your health and there’s no more wondering 🙌
This very thought process helped me cut my ex completely off. I knew it would be greater regret to stay then leave.
Yes I'm a week away from my get up and go day!!
From my experience, once you start fighting to revive a relationship, that means it's already dead. By fighting to save it, you put it on life support. You are keeping it alive by a scanner and machines. Pull the plug.
Hope you’re this helps: I’ve left relationships in the past without regrets ever. The way I do it is, I ask myself like really deep ask myself, if I can live with the behavior (which is usually negative) of the other person. Like he is never going to change much, that the behavior he’s had in the past is the same behavior he presently has. If I can be okay with it I stay but if I am counting y that things will be different I cut my losses. And I’ve never been wrong. He still has the same issues, just with a different partner.
this is a great perspective. I recently left a relationship that I was in for about 8 years where I spent so much time hoping that things would change. If somebody’s willing to change that’s one thing but if they’re not willing to change you have to decide whether or not you can live with them as they are and if not, have the courage to leave. My former partner finally started making an effort to change when the reality of the relationship ending hit him but at that point it was too little, too late
@@anski-s I learned that when I asked my mother, when did she realize my father was a cheater, she said right after my oldest sibling, her very first child was born. Then I asked her then why did she have another whole 5 more children? She sadly said “because I thought he would change”. To this day my father is 70 and it’s been decades that they divorced and he still the same.
@@anski-sthey never really change. The change is temporary and they go back to being themselves again
Mine keeps on telling me he can only change if I do. However the things that anger him are getting more and more ridiculous. When I tell him he can word his issues different he just gets more mad. He cusses at me and insults me for trivial things. Then when I've shut down or my feelings are hurt, he tells me not to act all sad because he pointed out what I did wrong and if I'm going to then I can just go home but if I'm going to go home that he doesn't want me to come back and to delete his number and block him and stop wasting his time. If I say ok and try and leave, he gets more aggressive and says meaner things but if I make myself act like I'm ok and don't talk about what happened, he'll act like were completely ok and will be nice again as long as I don't show I'm upset. It's getting to be too much. He makes me feel like the entire way I think and do things is wrong, selfish and entitled but I don't think I'm that bad of a person.
@@contentsweetpeasounds like the person won’t understand and this whole thing points to narcissistic personality. Am sorry if l over stated.
Yes!!! I’m not crazy for being double minded. Thank you.
Same here..
And same here.
Losing my mind for the past 3 years.
always leave a toxic person always always always human never change
Grief in staying...is grief for what doesn't work and what could be if you leave.
She's so correct.
I was in a relationship that was abusive. I stayed with hope until he got physical.
Even had hope, but the fear of harm and damage to trust and harm to my children were all too much to ignore anymore.
I still wanted to work through things, but I decided to embrace reality rather than the future i was hoping for.
@elsh332
🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
You did great! Congratulations!!! You are very brave but both you AND your children will thank you later!!!!❤❤❤
Yes. And for women in particular it's often the Dream of what the relationship Could be / Might have been - if he would just do this ..or just stop doing that thing. Giving up the dream or hope of something different / better can be harder to walk away from than the reality of what you are compromising so much of yourself to 'Live With'. Usually because there was so much emotional Investment In. That Dream.
You pretty much summed up the elephant in my room. The room I keep the lights off and stay on the other side of house.
This is a wonderful demonstration of the life of an individual who has lived with a narcissistic or even just had a relationship. I love the way she highlights the effects of the decision making process. It’s what every therapist should be brave enough to share! It’s not their lives or their decisions. What a therapist needs to give you is the honest truth. There are consequences for leaving and staying. There are wins for leaving (unfortunately not so much if you stay). What are you willing to gain and lose? Both are important to consider. Ponder that! (Standard of living, home/money/cars) family; friends; health; emotions ; safety; respect ; self-esteem; dreams; future; and so much more)!
One of the hardest things for me was aging and saying to myself is this what I want to be the purpose of my life-it had been nothing short of a ´human sacrifice’ for things that pass away. What were my children learning from me? Will he eventually almost ki11 me or actually ki11 me or harm me and not even take care of me? Yes? I actually almost di@d! Will you???
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Very insightful. I hope you have found greater peace and happiness.
So true . If you stay you have to grieve a part of you
Really? Well, I never felt that.
I left when I was fed up and I never looked back, I never regretted. Fully worthy.
I absolutely adore her voice, the way her bright beautiful eyes cosmically sparkle full of wisdom and knowledge..
Relations are built on trust. Never violate it folks ❤
This woman is so authentic and deep and real.
Great advice.💯♥️
But I love my peace being alone is a blessing not having to deal with someone else.💯♥️😇
That’s pretty convoluted.
If you want to leave, focus on moving forward and have enough money to support yourself. Don’t get hung up on the idea of what could have been.
This resonates with me. A year ago my ex and I broke up as friends after 5 years. It was the right decision for me. However it was also hard and there are many things I still appreciate about him and our shared time together, and sometimes I'm sad that it didn't work out.
Me too. It's a conflicting feeling
I hear you ❤ it must be difficult what you went through
Mine 13 years. Very painful.
It took me two years to solidify my decision because I kept thinking it was me and that I had all these things to fix. That the problems were usually my fault. Turns out he was just being manipulative and lying to me. I’m in no way perfect, but I know I tried my hardest. Went to therapy, looked up ways to be a better partner, tried to make sure he felt heard/supported/loved, did special things just because etc. Turns out he was just taking advantage of me and was doing terrible things behind my back. Never again.
From experience, she is 100% correct…Im very 😊 with my decision. So many wonderful experiences and counting due to the decision.
I love Esther Perel! She leaves no stone unturned! But she turns each one over with such care and inquisitive interest to find the truth. I so enjoy watching how she thinks.
Beautifully said, “A dream of once was…”
I’ve felt this and told myself this but couldn’t articulate as gracefully as she did. So very true. That’s why it takes people so long to actually leave a relationship.
Wow. Thats some deep stuff right there.
100%, but absolutely true
Right?!
In other words, regardless you must make a decision and live with it.
Sometimes you have a doubt to go or not ,,but in evrything i trust Gods timing and process!❤❤❤
What a BEAUTIFUL woman God created for us to learn from ❤
This is so true. Loss of a long term marriage is worse than bereavement IMO... No one understands your grief. Grief support groups are just for the widowed... 😢
Therapy groups do contain divorced individuals & in the ones I’ve attended, there’s acknowledgment that the loss can be as great as bereavement
How are you doing today
@@DanielFred-qg9lf I'm ok, healing ❤️🩹
Staying is fine untill it starts to kill your soul 🥺❤
I love Esther! She’s always so eloquent
Beautiful put and very...very true.
Wise woman with an exceptional view on life and relationships 🇿🇦
Reminded me of the beautiful film, The Bridges of Maddison County. 😭💚
So true this pertains to everything not just relationships
Hello
How are you doing today
Stay if your happy. Leave if your not. Don't Stay hoping and praying things will get better. ❤
Everything is a relationship. Grieving leaving a country, a community, old environment, friends, cousins... Life does not revolve around male female relationship only. Esther Perel of all people certainly would not disagree.
I think this is why I have struggled so much to stay with a wonderful partner but not in my home country. It’s the loss of everything else that has broken me
I felt that. Also think what’s is more unbearable, grieving the part of you what could it have been if you left , or grieving the loss, then you will have your answer.
I just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. It feels weird as we have some circumstances when we can't live alone, but together. So, at first be both were crying, but today we talked about it a lot, about the relationship, about the reasons, about some topics that I don't you'd ever mention in the relationship. And I feel so free and at the same time I feel horrible, because it felt kinda nice, what If I made a bad decision.
But I think it's for the best for both of us. Maybe in the future, someday we'll meet again and start over, as it was, because it wasn't bad, it was okay, there were no chemistry from my part and I didn't have the vibe with her, however, maybe our life will change us, so we'll become more compatible. I don't know, I hope this is how it goes, but I need also accept the reality, that probably we need some time alone, and those hopes will change forever.
Good grief, so beautifully put. I left and am grieving what could have been.
Not everyone can help carry your torch and vice versa. . . When the bad starts to outweigh the good, that's when you decide. You both will most likely move on to better matched partners. That is just life, unfortunately. And it is all okay at the same time! ❤❤❤
GO GO GOoooooooooooo, once you question it , the answer is GO. Be brave and have courage bless them and save yourself
Goooooooooooo
Soooooo true. Xx
Is it just me or does anyone else feel like she didn’t actually answer the question in this short? 🤔
I suppose I’ll have to watch the whole thing now.
Hahaha, you are correct. I did not notice that she did not answer the question. My attention was on what she was saying.
I felt the same way. I feel like it was open to our own interpretation.
I think what she was trying to say was, you can almost never be 100% sure. My thoughts - nobody can feel what you are feeling in a relationship and nobody can decide for you, a part of you will grieve one way or another, whatever you may decide. So it's really up to an individual, there is no formula to calculate if the decision you are taking is right or wrong, only time will say.
@@Dragonfly5_ thank you! That was a much clearer way of putting it.
@@courtneye.3276 you are welcome 🙂
Man oh man is this big for me. The eclipse is conjunct my north node at the same time Pluto is square my natal Chiron. All month i've been healing and claiming my self worth, healing the lineage, and powering up to leave a very unhealthy relationship/power dynamic that has left me with cptsd. Looks like after the eclipse my real world will really start to shift. Looking forward to it, but also . . . It's gonna be hard. Know your worth, my friends, as deeply and truly as you can. Claim it. Life is so much better when we aren't letting other people stand in where our own power should reign supreme.
My ex made it pretty easy to figure out that we won't ever be together again. Broke me into a million pieces in the process.
The week after I moved out he went on a date with his local coffee chick who he has seen everyday for the past year or more.
We were engaged to be married, together 7years... and he showed me that I am not worth shit to him. And I never was.
He is selfish in the way that he is trying to distract himself from reflecting on his loss and actually resembling a respectable and humble human being. Pretty disgusting and shallow! When someone does wrong, they feel bad and try to make themselves feel better about themsleves. That poor coffee girl! She has no idea what a shell of a man he is!
I'm done grieving. Ten Years Over. I got Redemption 2023. Your set up had been greatesr help accomplished. I Am at my Peace ,I had never been since 2001.
A dream of what was 😢.never existed only in my head. Once the hope is over you should leave
That point about not reacting to reality…but instead what you created in your head. I am constantly guilty of this! I want to fix it so much.
I'm going to look at this from a different angle....why doesn't anyone tell you that entering into a relationship means you're going to lose a part of you. In my experience, it seems that some men in my life never got the memo. We need to tell anyone young enough to date that when they decide to be in a relationship they will need to be told... "Grieve the part of you that would never know what it would have been like if you stayed single." Or said in their vows that they are very aware that they are giving up something!!
TRUE!!
She said it beautifully, Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I always feel is the scariest, toughest, decision one can make. Especially because you wouldn’t wanna leave and have the need to come back later
Esther Perel s the definition of beautiful, brilhant and also senstive, gorgeous.
This women is gold!!
Idk if she answered the question, but from my experience being with someone when one of you believes or wishes to live life a different way than the other will create a rift, a point where no one wants to live a life of compromise. I think true love is having the ability to love someone despite them not being with you. Set them free for true love is freedom.
Leaving allowed me to get out of the fog and see all the things that I thought were good for what they really were. There was no set up …..happy 💯.I actually felt like the first time wore prescription glasses…the light ..the true colours, now I could now see properly
Either way you have to be 100% sure about your decision. Stay or leave????How??? You apply what I call the 2 Fs:
Forgive and Forget.
Either way you leave your past behind you. Whatever happened cannot be changed so why cry???
The only thing we’re going to do with that is prolong our suffering but if you accept reality and let it go you have to realize there’s a bright future waiting for you. No resentment… just let it go…..Good luck ❤❤❤❤
The moment the relationship is questioned about whether to stay or go is a good indication that it's likely time to go imo !!!
Now I would love to listen to a long format discussion between Esther Perel and Ellen Langer.
She is my absolute favorite relationship advisor ❤
Loved this episode and a ultra follower of Esther Perel’s work. She’s the best at it. ❤️🙌🏻
When I imagine losing a great deal of my “peace of mind”, I realized it was best to go.
So true, so real and answers the question so precisely.
the scorpio reading was everything I needed. I resonate with all of it.
She just spoke wisdom.
It was 100 no hesitation for me and then i had peace 😊
My mom and dad usually get along with each other
But when they get caught in a fight, they almost reach a point of divorce
It always disturbs me
My mom is very nasty and she always says disgusting and unbearable things to dad in a fight
Como saber se vale a pena salvar um relacionamento? Devo ficar ou devo ir, é uma das questões fundamentais. E o problema é o seguinte: mesmo que você decida ficar ou mesmo que eles decidam ir, você pode fazer isso e ao mesmo tempo ter uma parte de você que na verdade mantém o outro lado. Se você acha que essa decisão é 100% perfeita, sem dúvida, não hesite, então é uma armação. Se você partir, você precisa ser capaz de sair enquanto experimenta algumas coisas que podem ter sido boas, mesmo que seja apenas um sonho do que foi, se você ficar, você terá que ser capaz de lamentar a parte de você que nunca saberemos o que teria sido como se você realmente tivesse partido.
Woooow one of the explanations I have heard. I would love to listen to the whole podcast.
Dr Pwrel
Always a beautifull presence
And toughthfull advice
He's a true spiritually awoke man He's a lightworker if you know you know only spiritual ppl will get it
Damn, that hurts because it's so true.
Yoooooo I was not ready for the slap in the face!! 60 sec that's all it took 🤯 saving this one!
My worst fear was being someone in a RUclips comment section saying I left after 25 years. I left the 1st year. That MF got worse. No regrets. 😊
Wow! So brutally honest and true.
When will I ever choose?!?! 😭
When God Gives U That For Sure Holy Sign. Just Don't Take 2 Long. Time Wasted Can Never Be Given Back 🙏🏼
I prepared myself mentally before actually leaving my physically abusive ex. I had to toughen up first
So complex. She’s so smart.
Your biggest regret is staying; people who betray you do not change. The important lesson is understanding capability of betrayal is built into personality.
I wouldn’t want to stay with a person l have to have these thoughts about, rather be alone and happy 😃
Wow well said makes me really think as I have decided to leave and have second guesses....🤔
I have done both and neither is easy
She is so wise!
I thought it was just me that was weak. Feeling the loss when leaving or staying and feeling weak because I didn't want to go...where was this woman when I was in my twenties?😮 I thought I was the only one feeling that way or weak because of my doubts. Didn't know everyone felt that way.
This is the most important information I’ve heard outside my own mind.