What to DO When Your Partner is Depressed: One wild idea could change everything.
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- Опубликовано: 23 авг 2024
- Is your partner depressed? Loving someone with depressed can leave you feeling anxious, hopeless, lonely and downright exhausted. What to do when your partner is depressed? It seems like nothing helps. I know, from experience. What if it didn't have to be that way? What if you could still feel joy and love and connection? What if you could start right now?
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Please Note: I have shifted the primary focus of my coaching business, in response to the needs of my clients, and am primarily helping men recover from the end of a relationship and rebuild themselves to get healthy, get happy and move on with confidence.
I will continue to keep 1-2 slots of my calendar exclusively for people with depressed partners. For availability email me directly at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com.
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If you want to stop the pain of divorce, regain your confidence and move forward with purpose, hope and energy, then I can help.
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Helpful Books for Divorced Men
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma
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► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time
amzn.to/3F326IS
► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose
amzn.to/3BaDyg9
► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential
amzn.to/3H6ofsF
► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive.
amzn.to/3UxdsuC
► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.
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DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor and the material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.
What to do when your partner is depressed? If you're like me, you constantly try to help. Loving someone with depression is hard because you feel so helpless! You can see things that would help your depressed husband or depressed spouse feel better, but you can't seem to get them to DO those things!
Loving someone who's depressed can lead you into a cycle of worry, anxiety, frustration, resentment, anger and guilt that feels so heavy it might just sink your ship for good. It's exhausting. If you stay in this cycle you'll find that dating someone with depression, or being married to them, is unsustainable.
Fortunately, you can learn how to support someone with depression without burning yourself out emotionally. The secret is a serious shift in perspective. It starts with a crazy question: What if your partner's depression isn't a problem?
I know, I sound nuts! But hear me out.
When I think that my spouse is depressed and won't get help, when I think that my husband is depressed and needs help... what happens? I feel desperate. I am constantly trying to fix him and push things on him. I was there! Not so very long ago. And guess what? When I was constantly trying to fix him, I found my depressed partner pushing me away.
I couldn't connect with my depressed spouse. I couldn't be there for him, and I was running myself into the ground with serious emotional burnout.
But then I decided to stop fixing, and start trying to love him where he was. That's the secret. That's how to support someone with depression, that's how to help someone with depression. Not by fixing, but by being present. Being with them and accepting them as they are, right now, in this moment.
To your happiness in love and life!
~Rachael
![Eminem - Somebody Save Me (feat. Jelly Roll) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Vwa0HenQMi4/mqdefault.jpg)
Self love is the secret to the success of any relationship. When the person you love struggles with depression, it is even more critical that you have a healthy relationship with yourself. If you're feeling anxious, resentful or overwhelmed because of your partner's depression, those are signs that you need to come back to loving you. Until we love ourselves, we cannot love or support others in a meaningful way. I'm here to help. Book a free strategy session with me: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
Dear Rachel, thank you for reply 🙏
After 33 years I just broke and left my wife.......was unaware, illiterate of many things, now Im coaching on that issue❤
@@caveman1334 I'm glad that you're using your experience to share with others and help them through hard times as well. That's powerful, for them and, I hope, for you as well! I know it has been for me. 💛
The hardest part is she pushes me away and not want to meet. Texting her doesn't help too. I need help 😭
same but ig you need to listen when they need their space cuz again forcing them simply doesnt work they just feel more burdened
im honestly learning more and more about depression to help put myself in his shoes which i can only imagine how it is like..
but ig give her space that she needs and be patient and let her know you are there for her,
and lastly have faith in her,i.e., also reminding yourself this isn’t her but her depression and she doesn’t mean when she says hurtful things and remembering how she actually is!
i know it hurts but thats wht im doing, not losing faith in him because I know he is worth the wait and he would’ve done the same!
cuz i mean the least i can do is not get depressed myself and become stronger for us
Thank you for this video. It's the first time I felt someone understands what it feels like.
You're welcome. Thanks for watching and being a part of this community.
Jesus that cycle...Ive been on that one for 10 months and it made me depressed too 🥺. His depression came long with exposed lies as well so I was/am still very hurt and feel behrayed on top of all. So Ive been spinning on that cycle. Im exhausted😢. Thank you for this video
Thank you for sharing this video. It couldn't have come at a better time as I'm constantly messaging him, wanting to know why he's ignoring me. It hurts.
Your advice has been invaluable. Thank you!
Went through this with my ex girlfriend being depressed. I totally lost myself and was utterly crushed in the end
I feel like if I don't get out now I will be where you were. And believe me part of me thinks we already broke up bc the communication has gone to shit, he makes no effort and it's making me looney tunes!!! I hate him, I love him..I want him to break up with me, I want to break up with him...I'm a mess. And I think his depression grosses me out..like get a life and man up, step up and also screw you for doing this to me!
@@shanagries6457 it’s been over seven months since I left this message. If you have someone that’s depressed and being hot and cold, you can be there for them but DO NOT believe that it will get any better. Best bet is to move on. You can’t help these people. I know I feel a lot better now just being away from her and her problems. I’m a caring person but I’m
Not going down with someone like that again. They have to help themselves too.
What a relief. I’ll do that. 7 days of What If will be like a holiday. It’s been a horrible cycle to be in.
Thank you for my light bulb 💡moment.
I’ll stop trying to fix it.
And just love.
I just left a 11yr relationship, we got engaged a year ago. because i couldnt take the depression anymore from my partner i left the relationship. i was in that state where i couldnt comprehend what she was going thru i had no room for empathy or understanding from being frustrated so much. I got snapped at for asking her to try therapy, and she told me it never works. A month after i took the ring back from her, shes back to normal no depression driving across state lines to meet new people and completely functioning without me. Ive never felt so disrespected and hurt. I gave 10 years of my life to her depression and just tried to fix it. Wish i saw this along time ago could have saved me the hassle of a 4k engagement ring payment.
I also realized I was here almost a year ago and I guess this is the update* were no longer together and I've felt so much happier moved on, but it still hurts to think of all the wasted time
Ty I have been listening to so much o. Understand depression, but there is nothing out there on what I am dealing with while she is depressed. I have been going thru exactly what u are say and was like what is wrong with me. I will definitely have to dive into more of your content on this but ty for letting see I'm not alone here
Hi, I'm sorry for the slow reply. You are NOT alone. Unfortunately there are alot of people dealing with these things, and not nearly enough resources out there for them.
My partner won't allow any communication to his depression and it has created this wall where I can't help to think if it's even worth it. Communication is key on both ends and sometimes I just don't want to deal with the silence treatment. Why does he have to take his emotions out on me from situations I have nothing to deal with. I'm just there to help and it feels helpless :( I'm really sad.
This right here, game changer! Thank you for your help. 🙏
You're welcome Michael! Thanks for watching. How have things unfolded for you in the last two weeks since you commented here?
Absolutely moved by your videos. They came at such a serendipitous time. I've seen tons of relationship videos and read literally dozens of books in the span of a year, and nothing has been as much of a light bulb as stumbling on your video after I had tried my best to deliberately not think about relationship as a problem. They're very liberating and definitely shine a light on the tendency anxiety has to make it all about me, instead of being there and being relaxed. I wanted to commend you.
Thank you, Hillary. I really appreciate your kind comment. I'm glad the videos are helpful. I wish you and your partner the very best.
You are absolutely right!!!!
That is a thing most of us never think
Never try to fix it, say its just ok, its human.......❤❤❤
Thanks for watching, Cave Man! It is really hard, and I myself have days where I struggle, but it does open up a whole new way of connecting with the person you love.
Rachel, exceptionally well thought out and makes so much sense as usual! I can do this for the next seven days!
Hi Suzanne! I'm so glad you liked this video. If you do this for a week, please check back in and let me know how it went and what you noticed!
Great video, compelling way of presenting the topic
been sober , three years now & we are getting divorced … after rehab i realized how distant we were and she wanted me on medication/ i agreed and realized it was doing nothing and then she walks away . went to councilor to deal …but all she wanted to do is fix and change me , bpd tendency & and since i didn’t tell her this when i got home from rehab , that’s why she’s leaving , because she said i had lied for two years ….broken but not broke , what if nothing is wrong , i how will i show up for me
Thank you for this video. It is an eye opening conversation
You're welcome. Thanks for watching!
Nice,,, I could talk about the last many years,,, I'm tear a blaaaa, I can't word right,,,, I've have been in hospital many times... I want too go back.... My bed-hayyy
I'm in a reverse situation where my girlfriend is depressed and pulling away from me
What ever happened? I’m going through this with my girl
trying this out @rachael... You sound so real and soothing, your reactions on the issues are same as mine now
Thank you for the kind comment. How did it work for you?
What about when she is a narcissist who finally noticed I am not giving her the chance to treat me with disrespect and lie to me all the time, gaslighting me and turning our marriage in a sexless one, probably because she already has someone filling up that side of her life?
Thank you, Rachel!
Is there any chance that your girlfriend lose feelings for you when she go to psych ward and locked up herself?
this is so helpful thank you so much
You're welcome. Thank you for watching, and good luck! I know this is a really hard position to be in, but you can do it.
My ex-fiance definitely projected the blame onto me due to her guilt of leaving. I was employee of the month and received a promotion in the middle of this so my struggle with depression was still very functional. She played the FIX IT role and demanded I go speak to someone immediately, but I wasn't comfortable with this idea (since then I have). For 4 months she had been seeing a therapist without my knowledge and never communicated she was doubting everything. She ended our 5 year relationship/engagement without giving me any chance to work on it with her. Worse, when I returned to get some remaining items of mine she told me her monkey branch didn't work out like she planned. Why would she just throw that there like it wouldn't hurt me? It wasn't on topic nor have I been in contact with her since the break.
Hi Jordan, I'm sorry that you're experiencing this pain. I have to admit, I had to look up what a "monkey branch" is. Honestly, we can't know for certain her motivation. I do know that people's actions do make sense, if we understand what is happening in their internal experience. She may have been intentionally trying to hurt you, because she perceives that you hurt her and she's in defense mode. She may be trying to justify her decision to leave and be villainizing you in her mind in order to do that. She may also be reacting to childhood triggers from experiences that occurred long before she met you.
One thing I know for certain, her reaction isn't about you. Even if she blames you or says mean things about you. All of that is about her, her thoughts, her doubts, her fears. I know it is really hard not to take that stuff personally. Your task is the same as mine: to control what you can control, namely your thoughts and feelings, and to surrender to what you cannot control, in this case, her and her choices.
After five years and an engagement you will undoubtedly have emotions to process. There is no way around grief, you have to move through it. However you can get sidelined if you let your brain spin out on the "why". That's how some people get stuck in confusion, anger and regret for years after the end of a relationship.
Learning to accept what is, feel your way through the painful emotions and intentionally build your future are all powerful ways to find closure, heal and move forward into a full life.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I totally understand variables and optics are impossible to grasp over text. Therapy resulted in revealing I was transparent with my faults/behaviors/responsibility, had apologized for said behaviors and was willing to do the work to resolve verbalized anger (main issue). Ultimately, she handled our relationship like we were roommates despite asking for more from me the entire time. Then she exhibited toxic attributes like ultimatums, demands and the inability to be flexible for anything related to me. I’m glad I’m not married to that person, but it has been brutal to start over with dating with this experience behind me.
@@CoconutBanger It sounds like the whole experience was really painful. I can imagine that it might feel hard to trust new potential partners? Or perhaps it feels stressful to put in the effort, be vulnerable and try to connect when you have experienced first hand how much someone else can hurt you?
I don't know for certain without knowing you better, but there may be some work you can do around both your perception of your ex and your relationship with yourself. Often we leave relationships feeling like the other person was toxic. As logical as it might seem, that conclusion can leave us prone to mistrusting new relationships or feeling hesitant to be vulnerable and try again.
There are powerful ways to reframe what happened in the relationship so you can feel greater compassion for both yourself and her, while becoming safely grounded in who you are so that taking the risk of a new relationship becomes a fun adventure instead of a brutal task.
If you'd like to talk about what that process looks like and whether or not it would be helpful for your specific situation, let me know. You can book a free strategy session with me directly: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or reach out by email rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
your wife tried to use manipulation of taking her self away to fix it like most women do, and told to do by there friends or family as a man sice the aaction is direct we cant see the motive of what womrn do when they choose this path. i simple told my wife if she choose this money branch i would see it as a workiing solution and i would leave , and once she saw it wasnot the right way to solve our prblem she left the option alone, women think men work off emotion so she tryied to use abesence make the heart grow founger rule on you to get a desired out come instead of telling you what she wanted , like men comprehend, your wife either gas no brther or have very bad communication wih men, she clearly dont know hpw tp translate her message
Truthfully I feel I was depression cat-fished by my girlfriend and now I feel guilt because I want to leave her. I can't leave her because I'm in love with her and the relationship has made my life worse.
I've got traits of an empath and I have this issue of absorbing other people's strong emotions - I don't see it as a good thing - it's a major problem.. I've actually been becoming more and more lethargic and sad recently - I know that this would not have been the case if I was single.
Volume issue - very low. The main problem I have is she won't engage or discuss. won't read any self help issues or address the void. Just dead emotionally, sits and plays mind numbing games on her phone - doesn't talk about anything meaningful, just functional household and kids management issues - no connection. She is emotionally divorced, hasn't kissed me in years - refuses to even consider sex. Once we adopted the kids - she essentially closed off and disconnected from our marriage. I lived this cycle yo described in the first half of the video for 15 years - I have simply given up. wave i=of intense emotion (she says she feels overwhelmed at times) - but she has no emotion, no communication and no emotional or physical intimacy. Just is happy living like a roommate and co-parent
Spot on.
Thanks for watching, Jami.
I am scared of trying out this. Why? Coz i fear she would think I dont give much damn and I am not bothered much while she wants to leave... damn, I am so confused
I can understand. It's such a hard position to be in. I feel for you. You have to find your way forward, and what is right for one person is not right for everyone. What I can say is that letting go of the need to fix your partner allows you to actually listen to them in an entirely new way. You can actually hear what they are saying and be empathetic instead of problem solving, and that is usually much more helpful to the person struggling.
I recently put together a list of resources to help support people with depressed partners. You may find it helpful: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I Found this video so many years after posted. But you are right. As a spouse, its breaks you to see your love in a dark scene where they feel like shit. Their perspective of themselves is so distorted and you cant make them understand that. As another carer said in her video (Lisa canning) loving a depressing person is like loving a newborn baby. When they are crying u might feel tired, exhausted you want a break. But still u wouldnt let that newborn alone? U eould give the care and the love it needs. And I think she and you are totally spot on. We cant fix it, but we can def give love and care. Depression is bad. We can be there, reasure them they are loved, they are handsome they are valued they are seen. And Pray that they are gonna get better. May God help us to be loving and caring spouses for our loved ones that are suffering with this dark illness. Ameen
This came from nowhere for me, over Xmas / New year I thought we were great, 6th Jan, all I got was something is wrong with my head, I’ve seen him once, he’s pushed me away, won’t reply to calls texts emails , I’m lost here,
Interesting
I don’t have any advice other then if you are in a non-marriage relationship with a chronically depressed person GET OUT while you can.
Nothing is more damaging to your spiritual, emotional and financial health than being in a relationship with such a person.
Don’t think you’ll save such a person, or that your love will even be reciprocated.
I'm at work and listening to this.. I'm a man 30 yrs old, and I am gonna try this for the next 7days. You described my experience perfectly.. although from the point of view the man was depressed, still applies to me. Question are you a libra?
Hi Hal, I'm so glad that this video was helpful. How is it going now on Day 5? I'd love to hear if and how this tool works for you.
I am getting great feedback from men as well as women, and I am considering shifting the channel to focus on both. I think loving someone with depression brings some universal challenges that are not so gender specific. I'd love to hear from you (and any other men who may read this!): what would you like to see more of on this channel? Is there a topic you'd like me to address?
And no, I'm not a Libra 😊, Aquarius here.
Rachel a subject that is pressing for me is my partner is depressed and is starving herself and not drinking. She is living with her dad. While this is going on I’m at home with the two children 12/17 and flitting back to her and back to them. How do children fit into the dynamic of a depressed suicidal parent? Could that be a subject for you?
Not everybody's like you
This whole thing has been about you not your husband
That's the point :) When I was obsessed with changing the way he felt, I created immense suffering for both of us. When I started taking responsibility for my own mental and emotional health, I became more accepting, compassionate and able to hold space for him, and support him in healing in the ways that work for him. Codependency didn't help either of us. Since I've taken ownership of my own thoughts and feelings, he has had the space and support to begin to heal without me making it harder or causing him to feel guilt/shame/pressure.
There's a lot of selfish thinking in this video. So much you, you, you.
You have to be completely selfless to truly help someone.
You can't help someone with depression besides not outright abandoning them for being depressed.
They have to do their own work.
I feel like he wants to be abandoned and quite honestly I am at that point.