If she's not willing to go to therapy, then suggest she see a medical doctor. This is all most likely psychological, but if she sees there's nothing physically wrong with her then it may motivate her to seek help. The more she pushes against you, the more you need to step back while leaving the message of "reach out when you're ready." Oftentimes people don't realize how bad their situation is until the behavior of their most reliable friends changes. You've done all that you can at this point and need to give her a chance to take stock of her current situation and really think about it. This may include her hitting rock bottom, as painful as it may be to watch.
I am a mental health professional and I work with men in addiction. Dusty’s absolutely correct, you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Tell her you’re there for her, and text check on her for the time being…. Pain creates change, we say it all the time right!.,.
She is the only one that can change herself. Often people are pushed into a change they are not ready for, therapy, stop smoking, losing weight echt.Push into by shame, guilt or any number of other things, but not there own intrinsic motivation. And because they are not ready they are not successful The friend is not ready. That is ready sad, but all you can do is be there. If you have never been deeply depressed, you can never explain what that is like.
I have severe depression, but I have high enough standards that I would not go to an event without showering first. There is something else going on in her life other than depression, perhaps something that helped trigger that depression too, and she needs to get help, but it is not OP's job to keep cleaning up after her and such. If she asks for help then make a plan on how you will do it together. It may actually make her depression worse if you just come over and take control. If she smelled that bad, and it is a reoccurring thing you need to mention it. For now give her some space. If she is still angry, and she keeps bringing it up you need to be honest, and tell her that as a friend you would rather warn her so she has the heads up, than let people talk behind her back and mistreat her because of it. Tell her that you love her too much, and do not want others to hurt her over something that she can easily fix. Talking to her doctor will be a good idea, but she needs to set those things up herself. It could be that this is all due to her physical health. It could be something as simple as her thyroids are wonky.
NTA, but I honestly wonder if there is something else going on. Unusual for someone that deep in depression that they've just entirely stopped looking after themselves to still be going out. Not unheard of, I'm sure, but unusual.
IKR. I was surprised she wanted to go to the club after. She turned to (comfort) food so meeting for dinner wasn’t that “off” to me but willingly going out after, especially around other ppl, seems unusual.
NTA! You've tried repeatedly and hard to help her. Unfortunately, she seems to be in a place where she simply doesn't understand what she is doing to herself and how that can affect her relationships with others. But until she hits rock bottom and truly wants help and is willing to do the work to change, she won't. At least you've been honest with her to her face. The rest is on her.
As someone who once was told they smelled when it was involved with a medical condition that I had no control over, OP is not an ascon for telling her she smells, but she is a small one for the embarrassing moment of turning around and asking the friend group because she was angry and reacting to the hurt response of her friend. I feel like when telling someone they smell, there are probably two reactions: anger or crying (shame). the friend obviously had anger as her response and went on the defensive. While counseling will do her friend good, it's probably not something that was going to change quickly and just maybe there was an underlying medical condition that is part of the friends problem. Doctors aren't always the best in diagnosing these things.
NTA! You're a true friend who has gone above and beyond. You can only do so much. She has been through something it would seem... maybe some horrible trauma. But you said you took her to therapy literally for months. I'm not sure what else you can do outside of speaking to a professional yourself or speaking to her family (assuming they are safe to speak to and not the source of trouble). If she keeps this up she's going to lose her livelihood and her home. And frankly, she's neglecting that animal. You didn't embarrass her; she has embarrassed herself. A true friend tries to help and is direct and you were the only one who did that. And if she is going to go off on you for that then perhaps it is now the time to tell her that you care about her and you will be there for her if she changes her mind but for now, space is the best thing for both of you.
There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. OP started on the kind trail with telling her friend she smells. But the friend needs professional help that OP can’t give her. So the next kind thing to do is to get the friend into therapy.
NTA OP, leave her to her own devices. She wants to spiral, let her. If your friends want to discuss how to help her, tell them everything you already did to help her, and she threw it back in your face and you didn't get support from them. It is only when your friend truly gets help herself, will she be able to change.
Her friend group needs to consider doing an intervention and/or reach out to family (assuming she has a decent relationship with her). This is when siblings and parents step in yo help an adult (assuming they didn’t cause it). She needs to see a Psychiatrist…not *just* a therapist. She likely needs meds. as well as therapy. Otherwise, you’ve been a great friend. Maybe, in addition to offering to help her when she’s ready to get medical care, you can offer to care for her dog should she decided to check herself in somewhere? Had anyone set down and asked her point blank if anything traumatic (like SA…maybe at work she seems to be avoiding) had happened recently.
NTA. OP needs to take a step back for their own sake and understand that this is one fight that they cannot fight for their friend or help them through until their friend sees for themselves how terrible this is. They need to just step back and be moral support for when that friend is ready to actually want help. I have a friend who struggles with hygiene and depression and she straight up wants us to tell her if we think she needs a shower so I’m confused by the friend admitting she needs help but then refusing to go to it even after OP did everything for her. Of course then my friend actually wanted to change so that was probably the difference.
I once went 3 consecutive months without a shower. My depression got horrific. What woke me up was my older looking at me and yelling "you smell like a f*cking dumpster rat! Get up and go shower!" Harsh? Yes. But i needed it.
Op time to walk away from your friendship. Kinley first needs to get rid of the dog and have someone come in weekly to clean to help her clean (including laundry), will be well worth her money. She can only take care of herself, she clearly has several issues and sadly needs a 'babysitter' to get shit done.
Wow OP is an outstanding friend. She tried. Hard. But u can’t MAKE someone else _snap out of it!_ All u can do is what everyone is saying. Let her know u still care, it was only becuz u care that u did all u did, and when/ if she’s ready u hope she’ll see that + you’ll still be there if she ever wants to reach out. It’s now in her hands. (I do worry about the puppy tho.)
Only a true friend would say something to her. Not talk about her behind her back
OP sounds like an awesome friend: steps up, shows she cares, speaks up everyone else talks behind her back. Too bad it didn’t work out.
Unfortunately, she isn't ready to get the help. Keep being there for her and encouraging her.
If she's not willing to go to therapy, then suggest she see a medical doctor. This is all most likely psychological, but if she sees there's nothing physically wrong with her then it may motivate her to seek help.
The more she pushes against you, the more you need to step back while leaving the message of "reach out when you're ready." Oftentimes people don't realize how bad their situation is until the behavior of their most reliable friends changes.
You've done all that you can at this point and need to give her a chance to take stock of her current situation and really think about it. This may include her hitting rock bottom, as painful as it may be to watch.
I am a mental health professional and I work with men in addiction. Dusty’s absolutely correct, you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Tell her you’re there for her, and text check on her for the time being…. Pain creates change, we say it all the time right!.,.
She is the only one that can change herself. Often people are pushed into a change they are not ready for, therapy, stop smoking, losing weight echt.Push into by shame, guilt or any number of other things, but not there own intrinsic motivation. And because they are not ready they are not successful The friend is not ready. That is ready sad, but all you can do is be there. If you have never been deeply depressed, you can never explain what that is like.
True. And also why they’re depressed becuz sometimes they don’t fully know.
I have severe depression, but I have high enough standards that I would not go to an event without showering first. There is something else going on in her life other than depression, perhaps something that helped trigger that depression too, and she needs to get help, but it is not OP's job to keep cleaning up after her and such. If she asks for help then make a plan on how you will do it together. It may actually make her depression worse if you just come over and take control.
If she smelled that bad, and it is a reoccurring thing you need to mention it. For now give her some space. If she is still angry, and she keeps bringing it up you need to be honest, and tell her that as a friend you would rather warn her so she has the heads up, than let people talk behind her back and mistreat her because of it. Tell her that you love her too much, and do not want others to hurt her over something that she can easily fix.
Talking to her doctor will be a good idea, but she needs to set those things up herself. It could be that this is all due to her physical health. It could be something as simple as her thyroids are wonky.
NTA, but I honestly wonder if there is something else going on. Unusual for someone that deep in depression that they've just entirely stopped looking after themselves to still be going out. Not unheard of, I'm sure, but unusual.
IKR. I was surprised she wanted to go to the club after. She turned to (comfort) food so meeting for dinner wasn’t that “off” to me but willingly going out after, especially around other ppl, seems unusual.
NTA! You've tried repeatedly and hard to help her. Unfortunately, she seems to be in a place where she simply doesn't understand what she is doing to herself and how that can affect her relationships with others. But until she hits rock bottom and truly wants help and is willing to do the work to change, she won't. At least you've been honest with her to her face. The rest is on her.
As someone who once was told they smelled when it was involved with a medical condition that I had no control over, OP is not an ascon for telling her she smells, but she is a small one for the embarrassing moment of turning around and asking the friend group because she was angry and reacting to the hurt response of her friend. I feel like when telling someone they smell, there are probably two reactions: anger or crying (shame). the friend obviously had anger as her response and went on the defensive. While counseling will do her friend good, it's probably not something that was going to change quickly and just maybe there was an underlying medical condition that is part of the friends problem. Doctors aren't always the best in diagnosing these things.
NTA, obviously. You did everything possible to help her, short of throwing her in the shower and scrubbing her down daily yourself!
NTA! You're a true friend who has gone above and beyond. You can only do so much. She has been through something it would seem... maybe some horrible trauma. But you said you took her to therapy literally for months. I'm not sure what else you can do outside of speaking to a professional yourself or speaking to her family (assuming they are safe to speak to and not the source of trouble). If she keeps this up she's going to lose her livelihood and her home. And frankly, she's neglecting that animal. You didn't embarrass her; she has embarrassed herself. A true friend tries to help and is direct and you were the only one who did that. And if she is going to go off on you for that then perhaps it is now the time to tell her that you care about her and you will be there for her if she changes her mind but for now, space is the best thing for both of you.
There’s a difference between being nice and being kind. OP started on the kind trail with telling her friend she smells. But the friend needs professional help that OP can’t give her. So the next kind thing to do is to get the friend into therapy.
Sometimes you have to let people hit the bottom. Op was trying to cushion the fall. Let her hit bottom and let everyone else say something.
NTA
OP, leave her to her own devices. She wants to spiral, let her. If your friends want to discuss how to help her, tell them everything you already did to help her, and she threw it back in your face and you didn't get support from them. It is only when your friend truly gets help herself, will she be able to change.
NTA, she'll hit rock bottom and seek the help she needs, be there for her when she reaches out is my suggestion. Bless you for trying.
Her friend group needs to consider doing an intervention and/or reach out to family (assuming she has a decent relationship with her). This is when siblings and parents step in yo help an adult (assuming they didn’t cause it). She needs to see a Psychiatrist…not *just* a therapist. She likely needs meds. as well as therapy. Otherwise, you’ve been a great friend. Maybe, in addition to offering to help her when she’s ready to get medical care, you can offer to care for her dog should she decided to check herself in somewhere? Had anyone set down and asked her point blank if anything traumatic (like SA…maybe at work she seems to be avoiding) had happened recently.
NTA I agree with Dusty. Hope this helps you :)
How do you teach a horse to fish?!
NTA. OP needs to take a step back for their own sake and understand that this is one fight that they cannot fight for their friend or help them through until their friend sees for themselves how terrible this is. They need to just step back and be moral support for when that friend is ready to actually want help. I have a friend who struggles with hygiene and depression and she straight up wants us to tell her if we think she needs a shower so I’m confused by the friend admitting she needs help but then refusing to go to it even after OP did everything for her. Of course then my friend actually wanted to change so that was probably the difference.
NTA, can’t help anyone who isn’t ready to get better. U r now entering enabling behaviour which won’t help her.
I once went 3 consecutive months without a shower. My depression got horrific. What woke me up was my older looking at me and yelling "you smell like a f*cking dumpster rat! Get up and go shower!" Harsh? Yes. But i needed it.
I hope you are in a better place mentally now 💜
Nta. The Op spoke to her about her concerns privately, multiple times. Kensley was defensive but knew the truth & and didn't want except the truth.
Op time to walk away from your friendship. Kinley first needs to get rid of the dog and have someone come in weekly to clean to help her clean (including laundry), will be well worth her money. She can only take care of herself, she clearly has several issues and sadly needs a 'babysitter' to get shit done.
Wow OP is an outstanding friend. She tried. Hard. But u can’t MAKE someone else _snap out of it!_ All u can do is what everyone is saying.
Let her know u still care, it was only becuz u care that u did all u did, and when/ if she’s ready u hope she’ll see that + you’ll still be there if she ever wants to reach out. It’s now in her hands. (I do worry about the puppy tho.)
Walk.
🖤🤎💜