It is possible of course. Especially at higher age, not 19-25 probably. The main problem comes up when situationship starts looking more like relationship. That’s when avoidants make a decision. If you are a catch, they will give it a try. If not, then it’s another lesson in somebody else’s life.
I would love to hear his perspective on how he stayed so strong. I know he loved you deeply so no matter what, he would've stayed. But it would still be interesting to hear his side and know what was running through his mind. Thank you for the videos Paulien.
For me my partner is the same way he is super super kind, patient, sincere, truthful, honest etc...but he is more on the Anxious Attachment style so even when I pull away he has been co-dependent and has this vision of a long term relationship like what his parents have.
Your videos helped me MASSIVELY when I first started dating my current partner. He’s thee best partner and literally the best man I know. I was feeling deeply in love and then got massively triggered on our 2 year anniversary when he let me know how committed and in love he was. It triggered everything and here I am again watching your videos and they are already helping me. I can’t wait for my partner to get home to give him the longest tightest hug.
I love the growth instead of destiny belief - I have such a similar situation, my wife is so secure and has taught me so much about being in a healthy relationship but it’s been so hard on her.. but we keep moving forward and I’m so grateful for her. We dated for a year and a half and we got married this month. My fear brain would have loved to wait longer to get married but in my culture and faith marriage is very important and we don’t have sex or move in together before mairrage. So it’s just a leap of faith and so far it has been a lot better than I though it would be 🙏🙏 (still really hard moments tho)
I have just been dumped by a FA. Your channel is really helping me understand her mindset much better. You directly speaking about your previous mindset as a FA is a very, very valuable perspective and I am very grateful that I found this channel.
I am in a relationship since one year and three months back. I've broke up once end ended the dating phase twice, but we kept getting back to each other. I've never felt the butterflies that I've been searching and longing for and that's why I've been questioning the relationship since the start. Now I do love him instead and the periods of doubt are getting more rare. I've accepted that I may not feel those butterflies again, but I've gotten something much better instead - long lasting love. From time to time I still question the relationship and him. I sometimes get stuck in thinking about all his nerdy and weird behaviors, and I get unattracted of the way he moves or the choice of clothes. But another time I think he's gorgeous and I instead get extremely jealous and worried about him simply smiling and talking to another attractive girl. Could you maybe create a video about missing the butterflies and the infatuation Paulien? That would be very helpful. Not least to not feeling so alone in this. All my friends seem to have been very infatuated in their partners from the start and I'm still question sometimes if I'm simply with the wrong person.
Because we were both in a tough spot when we started dating, i never got to hace a honeymoon phase and that often scares me when i have doubts. I would love to hear about this too.
I have the exact Same with my partner - no butterflies and im here on RUclips constantly looking for answers 😅😢 in another video about the ideal partner I saw that it’s a mix between similarity and the other being better than you in the aspects that you admire. The problem with the latter for me is that I think I would put people on a pedestal once I think they’re better than me or feel inferior. And in regards to similarity I fear that if I were to date someone like me that it’s gonna be chaos, like it has been once before. Also here I’m really wondering how this can play out in heterosexual relationships as I find the way society shapes us based on gender (and in my case also in regards to race) is so different that I find it hard to relate to men in general.
Thanks for sharing on that one because I totally identify with what you said. I didn’t really get those butterflies either but who the person is (currently still in a relationship w her) was very tremendous. The passion comes and goes honestly right now but I get hard on myself when I don’t feel passionate. And then I get doubtful and question if this is right for me. Like the video, feelings do come and go and they’re not supposed to be there all the time. It’s true and my therapist tells me that as well. It’s just reframing the “negative” qualities I see and really seeing what’s there. It’s not easy at all. My fear brain constantly wants me to find someone better, or completes that butterfly feeling yet it’s gotten me in a lot of trouble and pain. I believe it’s just being patient w myself. My partner already is patient with me and I am thankful for that!
Its called hypergamy, its programmed into the genes of every female. Its a feeling inside of you with the single purpose of securing the most strong and fitting partner you can find so you can give birth to a potential strong offspring. And by strong i also mean things like his confidence, patience, attitude etc. This feeling only gets satisfied when your man is putting in the right effort and keeping a balance between showing you his love and security and mixing it up from time to time with giving you a feeling of you might be losing him to other girls. And this has to be done very nuanced, its best if it just happens naturally because he actually is a male that is desired by others as well for you to see it. For a man to learn this and performing this is a true art form without becoming toxic, and can also be pretty energy depriving if youre not a natural in this which most men arent. Men arent like this, their only goal is to spread their seed to as many as possible, but because a man can love you like he would love his daughter and will never abandon you if its love, he will do everything in his power to secure that. Loving someone becomes a decision after the butterfly phase is over. Butterfly phase is just a cocktail of chemical substanes in your body getting you ready to reproduce with a potential male to secure the surviving of our species. I know this sounds very dry but at the deepest core of nature this explains why a relationship gets boring or you fall out of love with someone. By nature standards we arent made to be together with one person for a lifetime. Now throw in all the different attachment styles and let the balance act begin. I hope this was of any help to you. Greetings from a anxious attached male that just lost the same fearful avoidant woman for the 6 th time. i hope she comes back again but everytime the connection grows deeper she leaves.
I can add to what makes me stay in my first (current) healthy relationship is the fact that I'm so impressed by his capacity to love me so much (no matter what) and tells me frequently that he's so in love with me. I'm thinking like: How?? Why??😮 I can't understand it, as I'm doing nothing for it. Yeah l know I'm not a bad person, but l feel awful and so inadequate about myself lately, as l start realising more and more my issues with connection and relationships, especially in comparison with him... 😢
FAs also have a belief that love is earned and something that is transactional and it’s not which is why you feel inadequate when you “do nothing” and still get showered with love from another person
Your story sounds similar to me and my guy. He is FA and always said I’m too good for him. Acted very confident but on the inside I learnt he didn’t feel good enough for me. 3yrs, and I have been kind, patient and accepting of him, and he has broken up with me as he said he felt he couldn’t please me. I felt him deactivating hard after 6months of closeness, holidays and meeting his friends. He went stone cold and I asked for reassurance one time, and that was it. It’s been 4months, I sent him a check in msg and he replied coldy and said he’s depressed. We both have the understanding that he self sabotages and feels unworthy of my love. Would you suggest to keep checking in and showing I’m here still to him? Or should I leave him to reach out? It is so confusing 😢
If you want this, I suggest you make it clear for him that you love him, that you still want the relationship and you're willing to support him in healing. Maybe suggest a therapist. Support from you would mean understanding his attachment style, being patient with the symptoms, being open to listening to his thoughts, being empathetic and encouraging while he does the work on his part. Hope everything will go well for you two 🤗
@@Bloomellie thank you for your words. I did check in with him and he replied and asked how I am doing. I will take it slow and work on myself at the same time. See what happens. Appreciate your input ✨
I am in a relationship with a person who exhibits fear-avoidant behavior. Recently, she chose to end our romantic involvement, but we continue to communicate as we transition into a friendship. She has expressed that, despite not feeling a strong attraction to me, she recognizes the importance of this trait for her. Nevertheless, she acknowledges my positive qualities, stating that I am an amazing individual and beneficial to her well-being. She appreciates that I possess the traits of an ideal partner and loves me. Our relationship has lasted for approximately a year. Personally, I value the concept of a conscious partnership and understand that emotions can fluctuate. However, it's quite challenging to accept that someone I deeply love has decided to distance themselves. While I respect her decision, coping with this change remains difficult for me.
I know what you are going through. I feel happy for the improvements I have achieved in the overcoming of a breakup. I am lucky to have decided to get in therapy, so I discovered some of my own behaviors that deserved attention.
Thank you for sharing your story. It can be very difficult and painful to accept our (ex)partner decision. But unfortunately we need to respect their choices. Sending you lots of ❤
Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Laughter is the language of love. Do this continuously and eventually, if your partner is working on themselves, things will workout.
@@RobVogt-xi6xbthis response is very wise, thanks for sharing. I will dare to add... laughter is the language of SELF love, and that is all I want to look for.
I think you shouldn’t stay friends, my dear. Even if that was a real love. Because you were probably suffering in the relationship with her, and now you are obliged to suffer even out of relationship with her. How about you grieve, experience a lot of temporary pain, and open the opportunity to be happy? I think you should never accept that friendship. I’m being triggered when I hear “transition into friendship”, I’m sorry. You should be polite, respectful, but you don’t have to be friends. Well, yeah, maybe in 10, 20 years. But still tricky
Oh my god you did 100 interviews and no one commented on that? That is the most fascinating thing you said! Phenomenal idea and work. I just stumbled on your videos, have you shared these interview answers anywhere? Would you generously do so? I resonate with a lot of things you said and hearing from the wisdom of these older couples too would be so meaningful:) thank you!
Pauline, I’d personally like to thank you for putting out all these videos, you don’t realise how much they have helped me to deeply understand myself; which in turn has helped me understand others in many ways (friends, parents, siblings etc) as I think a lot of society has these behaviours to some degree. I came to your channel as I was seeking reassurance and advice that what I was going through in my relationship was ‘normal’ for someone who exhibited behaviours and beliefs similar to that of mine. I have resonated deeply with all of your videos and you’ve helped me to get through many tough moments in my relationship with my boyfriend, who like yours, is so warm and unconditionally loving towards me & my beliefs and perceptions of relationships and myself would not allow me to receive this love as I did not feel worthy or good enough. You’ve also helped me to RE-member what I already knew within me, so thank you for helping me to access that innate wisdom that is within us all, your work is greatly appreciated - Thank you Pauline ❤
I can see how important a growth belief is. At the same time, though, I think it's also important to let go of the idea that the other person will change. I believe you kind of have to make sure you can stand this person exactly as they are right now. If they change, cool. But will you be happy if this person never changed this or that thing about them? I have a tendency to settle, so I'm trying to remind myself of this as much as possible, to hopefully catch myself before I abandon myself like that again.
Thanks for this Paulien. I'm curious your thoughts on the part where he you say he loved you for who you are. There's a lot that I like about that selfless love mindset, but I equally hear so much about the importance of having boundaries, especially when dating a FA. It doesn't sound like he had any at all?
Those are some great points. As for the 'not seeing an end point for how you can grow together' is a bit of a struggle for me, cuz I've always felt like he could only see one side of me and was always unaware of my subtle subconscious cues.. and i naturally just then feel like i need to match to his 'view' of me, even though he's perfect in all other ways and super loving despite all my problems i put him through. And it becomes a next challenge where i start thinking i need to just 'be comfortable with myself' through the triggers of not feeling like I'm able to be myself. But not sure how this would look like realistically. 😅
Would you be willing to talk more specifically about adopting a growth mindset and trusting that your relationship will grow and develop? I have so much trouble having hope for the relationship even when my partner is fully willing to work on our issues and address them. It feels like I'm jumping off a cliff and investing more hope and attachment into a relationship that is not currently completely satisfying.
Im currently engaged with my love who has a serious fear-avoidance mindset. Since she had the ring on her finger she has been depressed and could not sleep. Its been hard these couple of week.
please don't give up on her and motivate her to seek therapie and educate herself. "i'm a fa who is getting married soon and what has been keeping me strong is the support and reassurance of my fiancé" and ofcourse all these resources.
@@charlynd.w.4260my fearful avoidant partner keeps leaving every time we get in certain discussions I think she thinks I'm being critical or I'm trying to judge her or I'm mad or something but I'm not I love her and I'm just trying to discuss situations with her and sometimes it goes well but a lot of times it ends up in her running away and this is the fourth time and it seems she has blocked me on everything and it's really hard to deal with I loved her she was agreeing to therapy with me but we haven't done it yet because this happened just before we were going to have the therapy it's so tough
You resonate so many of my inner thoughts when being with a secure person. They are just so simple and it makes the boredom almost agonizing. Not just because I didn't feel passion or physical /sexual chemistry, but the lack of stimulation in other areas like connecting intellectually, or how little they try to please you, nor go the extra mile to show specific tenderness towards you because they're not aware of how much consideration you need it, and they seem to just be cruising without being deliberate in a relationship. I don't know how to fall in love with that.
Being secure doesn’t make someone boring?? Why wouldn’t you be able to connect with them intellectually? I think you’re completely missing the mark here and just met a lame person.
Huh? This is not a definition of a secure attachment person. Sounds like you were just with someone you weren’t attracted to on any level. I’m secure (former anxious) and my avoidant ex was stimulated by me in every way.
@@graysonharelson9378 ugh, but they are this loving ball of sunshine and rainbows and love me purely like a puppy without any score or insecurities. I don't know how to make sense of leaving someone like that.
Thank you for this. What really triggers me is the thought that maybe this is just friendship.. we have been together for 2 years and I keep obsessing because I really want to be with him.. I’m also working on this obessesive thoughts by journaling but it triggers me SO MUCH. Is this normal ?
I have all those feelings coming up plus my partner and I are very long distance... opposite sides of the world. I've been healing but his unconditional love is so triggering. I feel like I'm losing my mind a lot of the time.
Paulien I adore your videos. I'm struggling so hard with this in my relationship 💔. But how do you give up on the pursuit of Passion? When I got married, I never expected to be madly in love forever, but I also never thought I would feel completely numb to any passion forever.😭 I just always feel like it's too "easy", boring and that it's no fun to have someone "guaranteed" all the time 🤷. I always heard that we value diamonds because they're hard to get. If my partner is really easy to please, and never needs me to win him over... I just don't value him, because it's not "hard" to win his approval. IDK if this made sense 🤦
I understand this feeling. It is a struggle. But I also know what it is like to be ignored, unappreciated, and never agreed with by a spouse, which fosters zero connection. Try to think which you would prefer: secure and bored, but you feel loved, or not connected and unappreciated.
Dear Pauline, your content is different and has helped a lot. I am an anxious attachment person often finding and falling in love with avoidants. I have a unique request for you. I am noticing that sometimes men will use this tag to just be bad boyfriends. Can you please make a video or a comment on how can one differentiate between someone who might be manipulating vs real avoidant issues. Hearing it from someone who has healed through and helps others will be very trustworthy . Thank you so much 🙏
Hi you are like my older sister I hqve a pattern that always choose wrong person but now i know thay person will hurts me Bit i have an obssesion around him Thank you for guiding us❤
Thank you for sharing all this beautiful wisdom :) What a project you had ! Can I ask how did you do to interview all these people ? (was it a research project ? were you able to do this full time ?) Did you write a book / thesis ? Thanks again.
You can definitely ask, thank you for doing so! It really was a personal search, not a research project. It wasn't funded, and I didn't have anyone guiding me. I just had sooo many questions I wanted to ask these couples :) I didn't do it full time, I worked on the side cleaning houses to be able to do this. It took 1,5 years in total. I did write a book, it is in Dutch however. (Sorry!)
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Thank you for answering ! Going after your questions and doing all that susbtantial work... that's pretty fascinating ! Bravo !
Im scared İ became aromantic. If gives me so so much anxiety and İ feel sick. I really want to love my partner again. Can someone become aromantic can you answer?
Sexuality and romantic feelings are fluid and everchanging. There are times I feel aromantic or asexual. I think many factors contribute such as childhood instilled beliefs, genetics, stress in life, etc. I tend to detach from everyone when stressed. Lately I don't want sex or feel romantic at all. But I know that feeling will return eventually, and there are many things about my relationship other than those emotions that make it beautiful. The trust, stability, companionship, friendship, laughter, having someone to depend on and live life with. That's why I stay.
Would you like an "aha" moment? You proved the theory of "when fearful avoidants get into a committed relationship with a secure attachment style, the FAs begin to adopt, and develop, secure qualities themselves". Go back and rewatch your own video, you've described EXACTLY how you developed and adopted secure traits through the length of your relationship.
Question: I have a really good friendship with a guy who is securely attached but I’m FA, we are very compatible and he’s liked me for some time now. However I always thought I didn’t like him because I’ve never been physically attracted to him and I know now that me wanting him to be perfect and fit my ideal perfect man with a good career is my FA talking. How do I overcome this type of repulsion? Is it my gut telling me he’s not right for me because of his little habits or my FA or my intuition, and how do I stop?
I was really good friend with an FA for the past 11 years. We both know that we are very compatible and always have a great time together (like traveling, watching movies at her place, eating out and got to know each other deeply). I’m athletic fit and other people have told me that I’m good looking. Several years ago, she did dated some guys who are not good looking (with bad/manipulative habits) and told me why she cannot find a guy like me. Few months ago, I brought up the idea in getting serious and she told me she wasn’t physically attractive, only saw me as a friend and stated that marriage is scary. Before gently parting away from her, I told her that she was a great gal and I’m not offended if she is not attractive to me, but I must move on. She cried and gave me her “final” hug. After that, we have not been in contact. In my opinion, I think using “not physical attraction” is an excuse to not commit. If you were truly not physically attractive to that person, then you wouldn’t invest time with that person.
@@HOUExplorerBut am I doing him and injustice and myself an injustice by getting together with him if I’m not physically attracted to him? because if I do enter the relationship, I understand it could be amazing for me, but if I try to keep those reasons not to get close by telling myself i’m not attracted to him then i’ll be resentful right
@@caitlanhope You could be resentful but then, you might regret losing him (along with the great vibes, security and connections). If you’re not physically attractive to him then be ready to let him go. And if you do let him go, in the future you may not find another person like him and you might regret later. Either way, you “may” resent or you may regret losing a great guy forever. It is difficult decision and it is up to you to sort things out. Attraction fades away when we get old. Soon we all going to have gray hair, wrinkly skin, freckles, frail, teeth falling off and with big foggy glasses…lol. As for me (a secure person), I have no plans in reaching out to her because I respect her decision. I will respond if she reaches out but if I’m taken, the door is close for good. In general, a secure person will respect and move on to the next person that reciprocates. I hope this helps and Paulien's contents are excellent.
@@HOUExplorer so either way I have to chance at losing him. That really helped me actually, thank you for the perspective. And also, agreed. I very much enjoy her content too it’s helped me so much
That was there also, and in my crash state I was scared that that was the ONLY reason I was staying. Now I know that's just a very normal fear to have, and it doesn't mean that that's the only reason to stay with a partner.
As a FA, it absolutely perplexes me that any FA is able to even start relationships.
Everything is possible in love❤
It is possible of course. Especially at higher age, not 19-25 probably. The main problem comes up when situationship starts looking more like relationship. That’s when avoidants make a decision. If you are a catch, they will give it a try. If not, then it’s another lesson in somebody else’s life.
I would love to hear his perspective on how he stayed so strong. I know he loved you deeply so no matter what, he would've stayed. But it would still be interesting to hear his side and know what was running through his mind. Thank you for the videos Paulien.
Thank you! I will definitely look into this!❤
Yes please! @@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870
For me my partner is the same way he is super super kind, patient, sincere, truthful, honest etc...but he is more on the Anxious Attachment style so even when I pull away he has been co-dependent and has this vision of a long term relationship like what his parents have.
Your videos helped me MASSIVELY when I first started dating my current partner. He’s thee best partner and literally the best man I know. I was feeling deeply in love and then got massively triggered on our 2 year anniversary when he let me know how committed and in love he was. It triggered everything and here I am again watching your videos and they are already helping me. I can’t wait for my partner to get home to give him the longest tightest hug.
This hurt me so much to watch. It's almost spot on what my FA ex said to me except she left.
I love the growth instead of destiny belief - I have such a similar situation, my wife is so secure and has taught me so much about being in a healthy relationship but it’s been so hard on her.. but we keep moving forward and I’m so grateful for her. We dated for a year and a half and we got married this month. My fear brain would have loved to wait longer to get married but in my culture and faith marriage is very important and we don’t have sex or move in together before mairrage. So it’s just a leap of faith and so far it has been a lot better than I though it would be 🙏🙏 (still really hard moments tho)
Fantastic... Congratulations to you both ..Wish both of you many happy years together 😄
Congratulations!! That is wonderful. Wishing you and your new wife a beautiful life together❤
I have just been dumped by a FA. Your channel is really helping me understand her mindset much better. You directly speaking about your previous mindset as a FA is a very, very valuable perspective and I am very grateful that I found this channel.
Ditto
I am in a relationship since one year and three months back. I've broke up once end ended the dating phase twice, but we kept getting back to each other. I've never felt the butterflies that I've been searching and longing for and that's why I've been questioning the relationship since the start. Now I do love him instead and the periods of doubt are getting more rare. I've accepted that I may not feel those butterflies again, but I've gotten something much better instead - long lasting love.
From time to time I still question the relationship and him. I sometimes get stuck in thinking about all his nerdy and weird behaviors, and I get unattracted of the way he moves or the choice of clothes. But another time I think he's gorgeous and I instead get extremely jealous and worried about him simply smiling and talking to another attractive girl.
Could you maybe create a video about missing the butterflies and the infatuation Paulien? That would be very helpful. Not least to not feeling so alone in this. All my friends seem to have been very infatuated in their partners from the start and I'm still question sometimes if I'm simply with the wrong person.
Because we were both in a tough spot when we started dating, i never got to hace a honeymoon phase and that often scares me when i have doubts. I would love to hear about this too.
I have the exact Same with my partner - no butterflies and im here on RUclips constantly looking for answers 😅😢 in another video about the ideal partner I saw that it’s a mix between similarity and the other being better than you in the aspects that you admire. The problem with the latter for me is that I think I would put people on a pedestal once I think they’re better than me or feel inferior. And in regards to similarity I fear that if I were to date someone like me that it’s gonna be chaos, like it has been once before. Also here I’m really wondering how this can play out in heterosexual relationships as I find the way society shapes us based on gender (and in my case also in regards to race) is so different that I find it hard to relate to men in general.
Thanks for sharing on that one because I totally identify with what you said. I didn’t really get those butterflies either but who the person is (currently still in a relationship w her) was very tremendous. The passion comes and goes honestly right now but I get hard on myself when I don’t feel passionate. And then I get doubtful and question if this is right for me. Like the video, feelings do come and go and they’re not supposed to be there all the time. It’s true and my therapist tells me that as well. It’s just reframing the “negative” qualities I see and really seeing what’s there. It’s not easy at all. My fear brain constantly wants me to find someone better, or completes that butterfly feeling yet it’s gotten me in a lot of trouble and pain. I believe it’s just being patient w myself. My partner already is patient with me and I am thankful for that!
Its called hypergamy, its programmed into the genes of every female. Its a feeling inside of you with the single purpose of securing the most strong and fitting partner you can find so you can give birth to a potential strong offspring. And by strong i also mean things like his confidence, patience, attitude etc. This feeling only gets satisfied when your man is putting in the right effort and keeping a balance between showing you his love and security and mixing it up from time to time with giving you a feeling of you might be losing him to other girls. And this has to be done very nuanced, its best if it just happens naturally because he actually is a male that is desired by others as well for you to see it. For a man to learn this and performing this is a true art form without becoming toxic, and can also be pretty energy depriving if youre not a natural in this which most men arent. Men arent like this, their only goal is to spread their seed to as many as possible, but because a man can love you like he would love his daughter and will never abandon you if its love, he will do everything in his power to secure that. Loving someone becomes a decision after the butterfly phase is over. Butterfly phase is just a cocktail of chemical substanes in your body getting you ready to reproduce with a potential male to secure the surviving of our species. I know this sounds very dry but at the deepest core of nature this explains why a relationship gets boring or you fall out of love with someone. By nature standards we arent made to be together with one person for a lifetime. Now throw in all the different attachment styles and let the balance act begin. I hope this was of any help to you. Greetings from a anxious attached male that just lost the same fearful avoidant woman for the 6 th time. i hope she comes back again but everytime the connection grows deeper she leaves.
I can add to what makes me stay in my first (current) healthy relationship is the fact that I'm so impressed by his capacity to love me so much (no matter what) and tells me frequently that he's so in love with me. I'm thinking like: How?? Why??😮 I can't understand it, as I'm doing nothing for it. Yeah l know I'm not a bad person, but l feel awful and so inadequate about myself lately, as l start realising more and more my issues with connection and relationships, especially in comparison with him... 😢
FAs also have a belief that love is earned and something that is transactional and it’s not which is why you feel inadequate when you “do nothing” and still get showered with love from another person
Your story sounds similar to me and my guy. He is FA and always said I’m too good for him. Acted very confident but on the inside I learnt he didn’t feel good enough for me. 3yrs, and I have been kind, patient and accepting of him, and he has broken up with me as he said he felt he couldn’t please me. I felt him deactivating hard after 6months of closeness, holidays and meeting his friends. He went stone cold and I asked for reassurance one time, and that was it. It’s been 4months, I sent him a check in msg and he replied coldy and said he’s depressed. We both have the understanding that he self sabotages and feels unworthy of my love. Would you suggest to keep checking in and showing I’m here still to him? Or should I leave him to reach out? It is so confusing 😢
If you want this, I suggest you make it clear for him that you love him, that you still want the relationship and you're willing to support him in healing. Maybe suggest a therapist. Support from you would mean understanding his attachment style, being patient with the symptoms, being open to listening to his thoughts, being empathetic and encouraging while he does the work on his part. Hope everything will go well for you two 🤗
@@Bloomellie thank you for your words. I did check in with him and he replied and asked how I am doing. I will take it slow and work on myself at the same time. See what happens. Appreciate your input ✨
I am in a relationship with a person who exhibits fear-avoidant behavior. Recently, she chose to end our romantic involvement, but we continue to communicate as we transition into a friendship. She has expressed that, despite not feeling a strong attraction to me, she recognizes the importance of this trait for her. Nevertheless, she acknowledges my positive qualities, stating that I am an amazing individual and beneficial to her well-being. She appreciates that I possess the traits of an ideal partner and loves me. Our relationship has lasted for approximately a year.
Personally, I value the concept of a conscious partnership and understand that emotions can fluctuate. However, it's quite challenging to accept that someone I deeply love has decided to distance themselves. While I respect her decision, coping with this change remains difficult for me.
I know what you are going through. I feel happy for the improvements I have achieved in the overcoming of a breakup. I am lucky to have decided to get in therapy, so I discovered some of my own behaviors that deserved attention.
Thank you for sharing your story. It can be very difficult and painful to accept our (ex)partner decision. But unfortunately we need to respect their choices. Sending you lots of ❤
Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Laughter is the language of love. Do this continuously and eventually, if your partner is working on themselves, things will workout.
@@RobVogt-xi6xbthis response is very wise, thanks for sharing. I will dare to add... laughter is the language of SELF love, and that is all I want to look for.
I think you shouldn’t stay friends, my dear. Even if that was a real love. Because you were probably suffering in the relationship with her, and now you are obliged to suffer even out of relationship with her. How about you grieve, experience a lot of temporary pain, and open the opportunity to be happy? I think you should never accept that friendship. I’m being triggered when I hear “transition into friendship”, I’m sorry. You should be polite, respectful, but you don’t have to be friends. Well, yeah, maybe in 10, 20 years. But still tricky
Oh my god you did 100 interviews and no one commented on that? That is the most fascinating thing you said! Phenomenal idea and work. I just stumbled on your videos, have you shared these interview answers anywhere? Would you generously do so? I resonate with a lot of things you said and hearing from the wisdom of these older couples too would be so meaningful:) thank you!
Pauline, I’d personally like to thank you for putting out all these videos, you don’t realise how much they have helped me to deeply understand myself; which in turn has helped me understand others in many ways (friends, parents, siblings etc) as I think a lot of society has these behaviours to some degree. I came to your channel as I was seeking reassurance and advice that what I was going through in my relationship was ‘normal’ for someone who exhibited behaviours and beliefs similar to that of mine. I have resonated deeply with all of your videos and you’ve helped me to get through many tough moments in my relationship with my boyfriend, who like yours, is so warm and unconditionally loving towards me & my beliefs and perceptions of relationships and myself would not allow me to receive this love as I did not feel worthy or good enough. You’ve also helped me to RE-member what I already knew within me, so thank you for helping me to access that innate wisdom that is within us all, your work is greatly appreciated
- Thank you Pauline ❤
Could you start uploading your videos to Spotify as podcasts
It's interesting how relationships pose a problem for the both sides of this attachment, well done for sucess in this area, awesome 😊😊
Write a book! Please!
I can see how important a growth belief is.
At the same time, though, I think it's also important to let go of the idea that the other person will change. I believe you kind of have to make sure you can stand this person exactly as they are right now. If they change, cool. But will you be happy if this person never changed this or that thing about them?
I have a tendency to settle, so I'm trying to remind myself of this as much as possible, to hopefully catch myself before I abandon myself like that again.
Thanks for this Paulien. I'm curious your thoughts on the part where he you say he loved you for who you are. There's a lot that I like about that selfless love mindset, but I equally hear so much about the importance of having boundaries, especially when dating a FA. It doesn't sound like he had any at all?
Those are some great points. As for the 'not seeing an end point for how you can grow together' is a bit of a struggle for me, cuz I've always felt like he could only see one side of me and was always unaware of my subtle subconscious cues.. and i naturally just then feel like i need to match to his 'view' of me, even though he's perfect in all other ways and super loving despite all my problems i put him through. And it becomes a next challenge where i start thinking i need to just 'be comfortable with myself' through the triggers of not feeling like I'm able to be myself. But not sure how this would look like realistically. 😅
if you are hiding part of yourself, it probably means you guys can still do more work on communicating. Things have yet to be shared
Would you be willing to talk more specifically about adopting a growth mindset and trusting that your relationship will grow and develop? I have so much trouble having hope for the relationship even when my partner is fully willing to work on our issues and address them. It feels like I'm jumping off a cliff and investing more hope and attachment into a relationship that is not currently completely satisfying.
This is one of the most unique and needed videos I have seen in a long time. Thank you Paulien
Im currently engaged with my love who has a serious fear-avoidance mindset. Since she had the ring on her finger she has been depressed and could not sleep. Its been hard these couple of week.
please don't give up on her and motivate her to seek therapie and educate herself. "i'm a fa who is getting married soon and what has been keeping me strong is the support and reassurance of my fiancé" and ofcourse all these resources.
@@charlynd.w.4260my fearful avoidant partner keeps leaving every time we get in certain discussions I think she thinks I'm being critical or I'm trying to judge her or I'm mad or something but I'm not I love her and I'm just trying to discuss situations with her and sometimes it goes well but a lot of times it ends up in her running away and this is the fourth time and it seems she has blocked me on everything and it's really hard to deal with I loved her she was agreeing to therapy with me but we haven't done it yet because this happened just before we were going to have the therapy it's so tough
You resonate so many of my inner thoughts when being with a secure person. They are just so simple and it makes the boredom almost agonizing. Not just because I didn't feel passion or physical /sexual chemistry, but the lack of stimulation in other areas like connecting intellectually, or how little they try to please you, nor go the extra mile to show specific tenderness towards you because they're not aware of how much consideration you need it, and they seem to just be cruising without being deliberate in a relationship. I don't know how to fall in love with that.
It's common for FAs to not know or ask for their needs and instead assume the worse/deactivate
Being secure doesn’t make someone boring?? Why wouldn’t you be able to connect with them intellectually? I think you’re completely missing the mark here and just met a lame person.
Huh? This is not a definition of a secure attachment person. Sounds like you were just with someone you weren’t attracted to on any level. I’m secure (former anxious) and my avoidant ex was stimulated by me in every way.
@@graysonharelson9378 ugh, but they are this loving ball of sunshine and rainbows and love me purely like a puppy without any score or insecurities. I don't know how to make sense of leaving someone like that.
@@sunstars1542 maybe because of behaviors that were probably a part of the anxiety routine? I don't know anymore.
Thank you for this. What really triggers me is the thought that maybe this is just friendship.. we have been together for 2 years and I keep obsessing because I really want to be with him.. I’m also working on this obessesive thoughts by journaling but it triggers me SO MUCH. Is this normal ?
I have all those feelings coming up plus my partner and I are very long distance... opposite sides of the world. I've been healing but his unconditional love is so triggering. I feel like I'm losing my mind a lot of the time.
Paulien I adore your videos. I'm struggling so hard with this in my relationship 💔. But how do you give up on the pursuit of Passion? When I got married, I never expected to be madly in love forever, but I also never thought I would feel completely numb to any passion forever.😭
I just always feel like it's too "easy", boring and that it's no fun to have someone "guaranteed" all the time 🤷. I always heard that we value diamonds because they're hard to get. If my partner is really easy to please, and never needs me to win him over... I just don't value him, because it's not "hard" to win his approval.
IDK if this made sense 🤦
I’m really curious too. Facing a similar situation 🧡
I understand this feeling. It is a struggle. But I also know what it is like to be ignored, unappreciated, and never agreed with by a spouse, which fosters zero connection. Try to think which you would prefer: secure and bored, but you feel loved, or not connected and unappreciated.
Thank you, Paulien.
Thank you for being here❤
Dear Pauline, your content is different and has helped a lot. I am an anxious attachment person often finding and falling in love with avoidants. I have a unique request for you. I am noticing that sometimes men will use this tag to just be bad boyfriends. Can you please make a video or a comment on how can one differentiate between someone who might be manipulating vs real avoidant issues. Hearing it from someone who has healed through and helps others will be very trustworthy . Thank you so much 🙏
Hi you are like my older sister
I hqve a pattern that always choose wrong person but now i know thay person will hurts me
Bit i have an obssesion around him
Thank you for guiding us❤
Thank you for being here. I am happy to hear my content is valuable to you!❤
Thank you for sharing all this beautiful wisdom :) What a project you had ! Can I ask how did you do to interview all these people ? (was it a research project ? were you able to do this full time ?) Did you write a book / thesis ? Thanks again.
You can definitely ask, thank you for doing so! It really was a personal search, not a research project. It wasn't funded, and I didn't have anyone guiding me. I just had sooo many questions I wanted to ask these couples :) I didn't do it full time, I worked on the side cleaning houses to be able to do this. It took 1,5 years in total. I did write a book, it is in Dutch however. (Sorry!)
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Thank you for answering ! Going after your questions and doing all that susbtantial work... that's pretty fascinating ! Bravo !
Im scared İ became aromantic. If gives me so so much anxiety and İ feel sick. I really want to love my partner again. Can someone become aromantic can you answer?
+1
Sexuality and romantic feelings are fluid and everchanging. There are times I feel aromantic or asexual. I think many factors contribute such as childhood instilled beliefs, genetics, stress in life, etc. I tend to detach from everyone when stressed. Lately I don't want sex or feel romantic at all. But I know that feeling will return eventually, and there are many things about my relationship other than those emotions that make it beautiful. The trust, stability, companionship, friendship, laughter, having someone to depend on and live life with. That's why I stay.
Would you like an "aha" moment? You proved the theory of "when fearful avoidants get into a committed relationship with a secure attachment style, the FAs begin to adopt, and develop, secure qualities themselves". Go back and rewatch your own video, you've described EXACTLY how you developed and adopted secure traits through the length of your relationship.
Is this in a book? These interviews?
How long did it take you to heal? Also with the tapping how often should you do it?
How do I get to speak to this lovely woman?
What were the questions you asked the couples who had long successful marriages?
Question: I have a really good friendship with a guy who is securely attached but I’m FA, we are very compatible and he’s liked me for some time now. However I always thought I didn’t like him because I’ve never been physically attracted to him and I know now that me wanting him to be perfect and fit my ideal perfect man with a good career is my FA talking. How do I overcome this type of repulsion? Is it my gut telling me he’s not right for me because of his little habits or my FA or my intuition, and how do I stop?
That’s not how FA’s work is just think you aren’t physically attracted to him is all i would say most women find fit men more attractive
I was really good friend with an FA for the past 11 years. We both know that we are very compatible and always have a great time together (like traveling, watching movies at her place, eating out and got to know each other deeply).
I’m athletic fit and other people have told me that I’m good looking. Several years ago, she did dated some guys who are not good looking (with bad/manipulative habits) and told me why she cannot find a guy like me.
Few months ago, I brought up the idea in getting serious and she told me she wasn’t physically attractive, only saw me as a friend and stated that marriage is scary. Before gently parting away from her, I told her that she was a great gal and I’m not offended if she is not attractive to me, but I must move on. She cried and gave me her “final” hug. After that, we have not been in contact.
In my opinion, I think using “not physical attraction” is an excuse to not commit. If you were truly not physically attractive to that person, then you wouldn’t invest time with that person.
@@HOUExplorerBut am I doing him and injustice and myself an injustice by getting together with him if I’m not physically attracted to him? because if I do enter the relationship, I understand it could be amazing for me, but if I try to keep those reasons not to get close by telling myself i’m not attracted to him then i’ll be resentful right
@@caitlanhope You could be resentful but then, you might regret losing him (along with the great vibes, security and connections). If you’re not physically attractive to him then be ready to let him go. And if you do let him go, in the future you may not find another person like him and you might regret later. Either way, you “may” resent or you may regret losing a great guy forever. It is difficult decision and it is up to you to sort things out.
Attraction fades away when we get old. Soon we all going to have gray hair, wrinkly skin, freckles, frail, teeth falling off and with big foggy glasses…lol.
As for me (a secure person), I have no plans in reaching out to her because I respect her decision. I will respond if she reaches out but if I’m taken, the door is close for good. In general, a secure person will respect and move on to the next person that reciprocates. I hope this helps and Paulien's contents are excellent.
@@HOUExplorer so either way I have to chance at losing him. That really helped me actually, thank you for the perspective. And also, agreed. I very much enjoy her content too it’s helped me so much
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No fear of loss and loneliness?
That was there also, and in my crash state I was scared that that was the ONLY reason I was staying. Now I know that's just a very normal fear to have, and it doesn't mean that that's the only reason to stay with a partner.
If we love AND stay with someone unconditionally, how can we have needs and self respect if we get repeatedly getting hurt? Example- strip clubs.
These advices do not apply to those in abusive relationships. Don't stay if you're continually being rejected, lied to or hurt.
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