he is not affected

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Alexandra Naughton reading an excerpt from her book 'a place a feeling something he said to you,' published by Spooky Girlfriend Press in January, 2020.
He is not affected. This episode is just one of many.
He is not something you should spend too long thinking about.
He has come to your house when you told him to not come to your house. He has driven drunk to get to your house after you told him to not come to your house. He has made you get in his car when you did not want to go into his car. He has threatened to kill himself if you did not do what he wanted you to do.
He is not a poem.
He is not a riddle you care to solve. There is nothing to map out. He is just parts. He is parts that don’t require your thoughts. His parts are not your problem. He is just another void, and you are not in the right place.
His parts are not warm, not cold, not heavy, not light. His parts are not a dove, do not fly, do not sing sweetly, do not coo in a cute way.
His parts are not brave, not tender, not generous, not full. His parts are not sacred, not burn.
Like the way you tear down your memories. Like the way you hurt yourself most. Like the affect of your clumsiness. Like your spacing out of surroundings completely with minimal effort.
It is alive or it is not. You don’t want to hear about it.
An apology is a pantomime, an attempt to convey a message that means nothing, changes nothing, just grotesque gestures. A hand waving and drifting off. A text message emoji of a hand with motion signs around it.
Who are you, even. Do you want anyone to know. Is there anyone who knows. Do you even know.
You are writing about it because when it’s happening in the moment, when you are in the moment, you can’t speak, for whatever reason, you are not in the moment when it’s happening, you are not there, and you are writing about it because you’re still thinking about it.
It is done or it is not.