How to get your loved one with dementia to go to a nursing home EVEN when they don't want to go
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- Опубликовано: 25 июн 2024
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
In today’s video, If you are caring for a loved one with any type of dementia, such as Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy Body Dementia, or vascular dementia, then chances are you have thought about your loved one needing nursing home care at some point. This video talks about how to get your loved one to go to a nursing home EVEN when they don’t want to go. This is the 2nd video in a 3 part series on getting your loved one into a nursing home. The first video was all about how to make the decision about whether you should put your loved one in a nursing home. The 3rd video, which will be posted next Sunday will talk about how to make increase the chances your loved one with dementia will feel comfortable in a nursing home. Stay tuned!
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacaregiver
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I like to know more about Memory Care. The doctor said it was the next level of care. A nursing home was too high a level since my husband has no real health issues other than vascular dementia. Assisted Living isn't a locked down area so he would be run away the first day. I've tried locking down our home and have home care, alarms and gps....but every day something happens. My husband is in the hospital now.
Careblazers: dementia care heroes how do you get your loved one to move out of their home to a different state where family is.
What do you do when your mom wants to know where her daughter is and it’s me! The one that has been living with her and caring for her for 5 yrs.
What to do when a sibling is a POA but is insensitive to mom, has a drinking problem. Because of this he makes poor decisions and wants to continue his lifestyle and is not available when trying to reach him.
I'm dealing with a mother with dimentia. She's not happy unless she's fighting. She difficult, mean and narcissistic. Her dimentia is not severe... She knows what she's doing. It's horrific and it's the worst thing any family should have to deal with.
Sounds like you are victim blaming your poor mother.
I am in exact situation and I am a registered nurse. It's hard breaking. I feel like my mother died and someone else is in her head and body.
P.S. I rather have a relationship with my mother and let people help her.
The thing with dementia is how it changes from hour to hour. What I mean is, what they comprehend that one minute or can remember is gone again in a flash. One day you may have a conversation with him and they seem halfway unaffected by this and the next day they forget that you've just brought them from the bathroom or they don't remember if they have taken their medicine. Part of the symptoms are that they regressed to toddler ager mentality and even toddlers have minutes of where they can be tricky or conniving or manipulative. Which it's about getting what they want maybe candy or extra play time whatever and it's the same way with dementia patient. It's not always about making you feel bad or whatever or being narcissistic it's just how their brain is working at the time. And I know my brother's one of them thought she could have swore that Mom was faking part of this. Partly due to past experiences and this and that. My mother was a good person when brother called her mother Teresa part of the time but she had her faults. As do we all. And I think it's not a very good thing or helpful to judge another person's experience or agenda when we aren't there to see first hand. This is a very complicated disease to deal with.
@@bravebeard6225 you don’t know what you’re talking about
My husband was getting worse at home and I couldnt take care of him by myself without sacrificing my own health. So, after months of thinking about it and looking for a home for him, one day I told him we were going to see a doctor. I got sonebody to go with us to the home. He went berserk when we got there but the director of the home was able to calm him down. In the meanwhile, she took me into her office where I cried and cried. Finally, i got the strength, got up, told him goodbye and left. I see him once a week and have seen a big difference in his behavior. . Now i see it was the best decision.
That initial moment of dropping him off, the first few days/weeks can be so hard but I'm glad it is now something you realize was a good decision for you both. It sounds the director was great at handling the situation!
Having emotionally confident people with appropriate awareness for this situation is so important, but a lot of times those people can be tougher to come bye
So glad it worked out . You were very brave and strong. I’m crying thinking about the day I might have to do the same for my Mom.
I work at an Assisted Living Home as a hairstylist and learned so much from you! Some of the CNA's don't know these skills. It would be easier if they knew this way of thinking!
I have found that the only way to get your loved one into a nursing home is from the hospital, to rehab at the nursing home, and finally long term. Be ready for anger from your loved one. It's hard to convince them that they cannot go back home. It will be hard on them, and also on yourself.
yes you are correct. my mother had to stay in the hospital for 3 days,then they moved her to a nursing home.Hard part was when they ask to go home.alot of guilt for the adult children,but the best decision.hang in there.
My mil always said if anything happened to her she wanted to go to this particular assisted living facility. When she developed dementia, thats where we put her. For the last 2 years, she has freaked that she wants her car, everyone has stolen her car and she is coming home. She is so mean.
Thank you so much. Your advice and the commenters experiences are a major help to my family through this sad time. Very hard to understand why an aging parent doesnt plan ahead for their Age Care while their neurons are still functioning, save traumatising their children. I plan to sell up and be the life of the Rest Home at age 85 even if i'm still doing fine 💪
I'm 56 and my partner is 66. He was diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago. I look after him myself. Last year after a horrible incident I placed him in a nursing home ( I couldn't find much info on it but they had a bed available). I had been wanting him to go into a nursing home for a while because of his mental state. After 3 months I took him out because I felt although the nurses were very nice the place was subpar, something just wasn't right. I have him on a waiting list for another nursing home which has won awards. He doesn't want to go but we butt heads a lot, he tells me to get out it's his home, and he most of the time feels something bad is going on. He knows of this nursing home so if he sees the name he'll know what it is. I'm just tired of him always being on the edge. At times he thinks I'm trying to poison him with coffee, or even if I'm several feet away he thinks I'm playing with the back of his head, someone's taking advantage of him, or stolen from him, or cheated him out of money. He's always felt he was the loser in his family because they base success on what car you drive, your house, how much money etc. so I can understand why he thinks what he does. But I feel like I'm always on eggshells that something I do or say is going to put him in a bad mood. Then out of the blue he'll say something like he's having a lucid moment and it makes me feel like I'm jumping the gun wanting to place him in a home. Yet I don't want to wait until it's too late and there's no available bed. When he was at the other facility I visited him 2 - 3 times a week. This new facility is in the same town as my family so I could easily visit and take him out for walks on the farmland and have lunch at time with my mom as we do now. Part of me feels I'm jumping the gun and owe it to him to keep him home yet part of me wants to have a life of my own. I could ramble on but will end it there.
My mom was fighting us every step of the way until she landed on the hospital with E-coli and now the rehab is saying she can’t go back home. It’s a Godsend, but I’m not looking forward to the move. All she talks about is how she’s going to go back to her apartment. Knowing she’ll never see it again breaks my heart, but she’s not safe living there, even with help.
If I could only afford a nursing home. I’d do it tomorrow. Even though she’s pretty horrid sometimes, I wouldn’t want her to be abused. Even though SHE can be abusive. Not physically. Some times I think even if I did, they’d kick her out, that’s how *bossy* she is. Let me tell you. This thing about making people live “Longer lives” way longer than they should through modern medicine? WAY past quality of life? I’m not too keen on that tbh. I told my kids, who both offered to take me in (good god I’m only 60 lol ❤Them) when I get to that point, I have no problem. Go for it. Take me to the barn. I’m not kidding. I think a lot of this is that people always grow older and say “(DON’T put me in a home!😩). That’s a lot of guilt to lay on somebody, and I’ve noticed the people who cry the loudest DID NOT take care of THEIR aging parents.
My mom, brothers, and I just put my dad into an assisted living facility today. I must say it was the hardest day of my life as I had quit my job last year to move up closer to my parents to help out my mom with my dad. It has truly been an incredible eye opening experience for me associating with someone that has dementia. He’s not even 78 years old and his once sharp mind has dissipated. I hope that this decision will be for his best.
I feel for you. How are things going now?
I feel your pain. My mom's 65 and had her major stroke and now I'm her caregiver. She can't tell Time and Can't even use the remote control. The stroke was 3 months ago so I'm trying to hope There is some improvement
My 85 year old father just put my mom in a long term care home but none of these tips would have helped him. My mom has absolutely no insight on her memory issues. She cannot answer a telephone, does not always recognize my father or her daughters. In Canada, to get into a public funded home you will be on a waiting list and it took 8 months. When the call came for an opening you had 24 hours to decide, if you don’t accept it you are off the list for another 3 months. But basically he and my sister had to lie to her saying she was going in for a check up. It was horrendous because she was lucid during that time and stated rightly so “ You lied to me”. The staff were great but it took about a whole day as she was very worked up. She still thinks it’s temporary while dad recovers from covid. We cannot personalize her room because that would alarm her. She always thinks she will be leaving.
As a caregiver I became very good friends with a lady with dementia. Her son tricked her by telling her she was going to the doctor and instead had her dropped off in memory care. I was so shocked and sad. I know if he'd explained things to her and given her some time to process, she'd have come around to the idea.
My father thought we had taken him to a resort. He never thought he was in a nursing home. He loved to play the piano, and they had one there. Someone in the family visited every day.
Thank you Dr Natalie. This was very helpful as always. I used a similar strategy with my 92 year old father who was adamant about not wanting to go into a nursing home or rest home as we call it in New Zealand. I said I had made an appointment with a physiotherapist who would help him with his sore knee. Of course she was at the facility. We then said he had to stay for a week or two to get the therapy. He has been surprisingly settled but quite a few times has asked when I could take him home. He is less anxious and has only had one fall - on the first night as he was a little unsettled. Previously he had been having at least two falls per week. At the end of this week the facility doctor and nurse manager are going to talk to him about the stay being permanent. I will visit afterwards and back up what they have said. I feel that these decisions have been the best way forward for my Dad.
I placed my 93 year old father in a nursing home a week and a half ago. He lived with me for four months and realized he needed more care than I could give plus he needed to be around more people and have things to do. It was his decision to go live at a care facility but when the day before moving came here became very anxious and said he couldn't go because the drive was too long. I gave him one of his prescription anxiety pills and told him it would help him relax and the drive would only take 30 minutes. That was my compassion lie because the drive took one hour and twenty minutes. My sister and I have visited twice since then plus we spent the first two days with him. He doesn't like it and says people are mean to him. I have to trust that the staff knows what they're doing and give us all time to adjust.
Yes, there is certainly an adjustment period. Give it time. It's normal for him to be scared and nervous and second-guessing this big life change. Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you did the absolute right thing and perfect use of a compassionate "lie."
If he engages in antisocial behavior, he will clash with the staff inevitably. You can potentially mitigate that to an extent by providing direct emotional support to the staff, I’d say
@@grawakendream8980 or let them sedate him continuously
Personally, I would keep an eye if he is saying people are mean to him, but you know him better than anybody. Perhaps get him something to entertain himself
I am in the process of placing my mom in a private home care facility. It's 5 minutes from my house and lovely! I do not want to tell her the truth because in her mind she thinks she does everything for herself! She is extremely strong willed and argumentative. She needs 24/7 care at this point and none of my siblings or myself can commit to this kind of care. I am struggling with telling her and/or how to tell her. She forgets everything within seconds but this she may no. HELP!!!
Hi Natali I have spoken to my husband about that we can't afford to pay for carers to come in to wash and dress and shave him anymore, there isn't enough money to pay for that and our home, he said cancel them and he will wash and dress and shave himself, I told that he wasn't doing it properly and that I struggle doing his catheter with my back, I have been told that he has to agree to going into care home, as he is in early stages and can make decisions, if it was just his dementia that is challenging he has prostate cancer and can't see very well.i spend my time in my bedroom as he doesn't want me to sit with him in the lounge my health is getting worse and I can't look after him like I should
from my experience,medicare doesnot pay for long term nursing home care. this was a rude awakening. medicaid does
My sister moved in unexpectedly one year ago. It has been a very difficult time. She has dementia and alzheimer's. I have done the DPA. Filled out paperwork, and took her in for the assessment for placement in assisted living. Then I get a call from her Dr. They won't do it because of the liability to them. OK. Now what? I am at a total loss. She has 3 children. Not one of them will help. Her daughter sent her out here and hasn't called to check on her once in this year. We both have osteoporosis. I am not in good health. Fixing 3 meals a day, and just general caregiving 24/7 is depleating me to the point of total exhaustion. She threw an absolute fit when I told her about the home. I was throwing her into an institution like she was garbage. She took care of me when I was young. She did not. There is 20 years difference in our age. She had her own babies and family to care for. But she is playing the guilt card. I am just at a brick wall. And I see no way to resolve this nightmare. I would love input from someone who has been in a situation like mine. Prayers would be great too. Thank you.
You are not alone. I’m having similar problems with my older sister & her son dies not help or take responsibility for her care.
@@cathyblock6197 several people have said they are in a similar situation. It's sad that grown children cant take responsibility and care for their elderly parents. Instead of pushing them off on other family members. Who have their own health and family issues. It is not right.
Sometimes we are doing the best we can, especially if there are limited resources. Go easy on yourself.
@@echase416 I placed my sis in assisted living. She wasn't happy about it. Neither was I. But it was time for professional care. Then the covid virus closed the home. It has been a nightmare. Going easy on myself isnt happening. I'm crushed. What little time I did have with her is gone. She didnt recognize me when we spoke by phone. Difficult times for sure. Thank you for the encouragement.
How did This situation with your sister and our last year? What’s the latest? From my vantage point, we have to build a relationship to functionality in order for ally to be effective in moving them.
I gave this so much thought my mom so stubborn and won't leave her home cause she trusts no one.
My now 93 year old mother is still living on her own and refuses to consider going to a Nursing Home. According to an assessment a few months ago,by Adult Social Care Services,mother still has "capacity". This means that she is capable of making her own mind up on decisions related to her care. Mother is now on her third set of carers and is a bit more compliant with them as they help with her daily tasks. Mother will require entrance to a Care Home with EMI trained staff because we have already been told that she will NOT be admitted elsewhere due to her attitude and total denial issues. So, we now await her decline and hope that help may still be available from her Care Services to put mother into a safer place.
We had to place my mother in law in a nursing home a couple of weeks ago but due to financial reasons ,and the facility not being capable of caring for a dementia patient who has ZERO physical limitations ,she could not stay ! ( She actually got out of the home, she escaped ) long story for another day ...smh. Anyway , my husband went and talked to her about moving her to the new nursing home and he answered all her questions but in the end she told him she would go that he knew what was best for her etc... Well we had everything set up so that we would be there when the transport ambulance arrived with her but they ended up being a couple of hours late ! My husband had to leave because he had a Doctors appointment to get stitches removed from a surgery he had a couple of weeks ago ..He gets a phone call and it's the administrator and she told him that his Mom was REFUSING to get out of the ambulance ! She gives the phone to his mom so that he could talk to her and she gets so angry she hands the phone over and refused to speak to him ! Point being when their minds are so messed up they don't remember the conversations you have with them at least his mother does not . You can tell her something and within one minute she is asking you the same exact question . She sit in that ambulance for 45 MINUTES refusing to get out ! My husband tried , his little brother tried to get through to her with no luck … The dang maintenance man was the one that finally talked her in to getting out and coming inside but he had to threaten to call the police .. She cant be reasoned with but at certain times it's like you get small peaks of the old Diane but then a few minutes later she is right back to spouting off nonsense again , it never last .Sorry my post is so long ..
I don't trust nursing homes. My Mom was sent to one when her oncologist decided she was beyond his help. She had head and neck cancer and was unable to walk, feed herself, go to the bathroom, etc. There was so much pressure on her brain, that she literally became like a little child. Mom was regularly ignored by the staff and sat in her own feces for who knows how long. One of the nurses screamed at me when I asked her for a bed pan for Mom. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?!! She's just going to have to wait her turn!!" All I needed was a bedpan. So, Mom ended up having a #2 accident and was embarrassed. I refuse to subject my Dad with dementia to that kind of environment! Never again.
There are many horror stories regarding elderly care home.
Some were even told by the staff of such homes.
So, actually there is really no really good place for senior citizens who need help.
Not every facility is like that. Did yoy talk with the D.O.N. or the administrator about the grossly inappropriate behavior of this nurse. If you are truly disappointed with this facility look for another one. You can also go to various government websites to check the ratings and score for all nursing homes in the country.
AS A NURSE WHO HAS WORKED IN NURSING HOMES I AGREE WITH YOU!!THERE IS NEVER EVER ENOUGH STAFF!NURSING HOMES ARE NO BETTER THAN CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR THE ELDERLY!
Not all are bad, just some. What about board and care?
I don’t understand this advice at all. My mother has dementia, and you can’t even have a conversation with her. She can’t remember what you said five minutes after you’ve said it people need to understand that those with dementia cannot be reasoned with they do not have logic many do not have memory and understanding so this advice makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Thank you for sharing your understanding.
I found you when I needed it most.
….this was made 5 years ago and showed up again on my feed. We are doing this now. The facility has asked over and over, “Is he ready for this? Will he be willing to go?”
These tips were wonderful.
Your videos are so valuable & helpful for me at this time. Thanks so much
These videos came up in my feed, yet I haven’t found one that relates to my situation. I care for an elderly friend and neighbour. She has dementia, getting progressively worse as the months go on. She can only walk a few steps so is housebound. Her family don’t get involved so it’s left to me. She has no care package at the moment so I’m run off my feet, it was suggested (over a month ago, no contact since), by Adult care services, that she could go in a home until they find her carers. Luckily I worked for many years with people with Alzheimer’s who were aggressive so can handle most situations. There are people like me about, yet we are forgotten.
Thank you so much!
What happens when you discuss it all with them and then they forget all about it a little while later?
Thank you so much for this video. It is extremely timely for me and my family and it strikes the exact balance of compassion and practicality, as do all of your videos. God bless you!
Thank you so much for this channel! I am so grateful I found you.
Thank you for all you do! Your Facebook group and your youtube videos have saved my life!
My mother is reaching her 92 year. She has Alzheimer's stage 4 and has lived on her own since 1990. Due to her declining health and inability to care for herself, keep her bungalow heated and maintain a safe standard of living, she has been told that we are considering putting her in a Home. Mother is outraged at this and is in strong denial and defiance mode. Deception and lies are the only way forward now in order to get her to comply. So ironic.
My mom was like this about getting the brain MRI. She still hasn’t had one done. She threatens to get a lawyer and sue me. :/
My mum went into a care home last week. She was in a dementia ward in hospital for 5 weeks. I’m having trouble with my thoughts and feeling guilty as hell. These are confusing places but they are called care homes because the do give care. She was so upset at first and the first few days weeks can be tough. The staff are used dealing with all types of patients and have seen it all before! I made sure my mum gets a newspaper every day and bought her a big tv yesterday as she like to watch the news. The care homes isn’t ultra modern but the staff are great. There’s a lovely garden and also a little park with a stream opposite. You have to focus on any positive you can. She’s an old stubborn Jewish lady, now 87 and used to getting her way! I see her every day appart from when I’m at work. She’s slowly slowly getting used to the place. Right now I’ll settle for that and hope things continue well. This illness breaks my heart so many times...
Sending you love. Such a difficult decision, but it sounds like you did the right thing.
Thank you for the tips etc. We are about to start the process of selecting a care home for our Mother. 👍
Ok so I put Dad into a nursing home and have home care for mum at her own home. Dad passed within 4 months and mum with her dementia is going well with private care. We have a loan against her home to pay for her care. She pleaded with me not to go into a home and is beyond being social and will feel insecure so I cant see why I'd ignore her requests to stay in her home. I do the nights and carers handle the days to make her money last. She made my life as a child or any time secure and comfortable so why would I put her somewhere she doesn't want to be and not get the individual care. I've felt depressed and burnt out but its not about me for this few years ...... id love her to go into a rest home but again its not about what I want...
These tips are so helpful. So many videos talk about a narrow version of their experience. I needed more options for tactics rather than specific to one person's experience. Thank you for sharing the experiences/advice of so many different situations.
Glad it was helpful!
I appreciate your frankness on this topic. I clicked on this video because it was interesting by the subject matter, and I agree, at a certain stage, the only thing that is effective in my experience, is to lie through your teeth. However you want to justify or package it, lying is the last tool in the toolbox of emotional support, When nothing else will work.
Thank you so much, this really helped me.
Sara Campbell you are so welcome! Wishing you all the best on your caregiving journey!
I found this at right time, my mother who is 101 should have been in care 2 years ago but now her unit is being demolished so it’s critical.
We have been offered a lovely room in same facility where I live independently, so I can care for her cat at night whilst she can have her during the day......she can take all her things & make it her own . I know she doesn’t want to go but it is so unsafe at her place & I am going downhill after 8 years of care.......have been praising her for being independent for so long , also a fine line between independence & stubbornness which helps.
Thanks for being there just when I need reassurance.
My wife of 67 years is 89 and I am going on 90.We lived alone and I took care of her until my children talked me into putting her in a Nursing Home for she needed more care then I could give her. I have a hard time accepting the fact I did this as I always told her I would never do this.I feel so guilty. I see her every day and wonder in her own world that she forgives me.
U did the best u could do. It is winderful that U visit her every day
Good thing is u can be rested up when u visit her. My husband is 83 with Senile Dementia. I am 65. I have been taking care of him for 6 years. I think it will be soon that I will have to put him in nursing home also. I am in the same situation as u. It is going to break my heart to put him in nursing home but it is getting hard for me to care for him. Just visit your wife. Love her every day u have her. Do not feel guilt. U did the best u could do.
If you still look at RUclips, know that in sickness and in health you did exactly as you intended so many years ago. Getting support, even if you’re not under the same roof, is right- it’s love. Admitting that you are human, and have shortcomings, is actually a form of love- being humble enough to be honest.
On a practical note, your wife was still inside but just unable to communicate correctly, which is frustrating to someone who knows that they were able to do much more at one time.
I speak from experience with both my mom and dad, married in 1954.
My mother is 93 and has stage 4-5 Alzheimers. She has daily carers, but refuses to allow them to carry out basic household tasks. My sister who lives nearby has then to do them. Mother rings my sister consistently throughout the day asking for her heating to be turned on, off or down.
She rings to ask where the money is for her cleaner and hairdresser when the money is already provided. Mother has no idea of the demands she makes and her metal capacity is now so much in decline that we think she is ready for a Nursing Home. When this topic is mentioned mother goes into meltdown mode. I have applied for a POA in Health and Welfare to override her objections. This cannot be served because mother has to agree with it. I cannot get her assessed due to Covid restrictions. I am now researching Homes for mother but none of the suggestions in the video will convince my stubborn, deluded, anti - social and defiant mother to move from her bungalow. I will however try the volunteer approach but neither myself or my siblings expect any compliance from her at this point in time.
I feel for you, and hope that things have improved. Unfortunately, your sister is going to have to stop enabling.
Yep I am having the exact same issue with my father. Its Exhausting!
Thank you. This is coming up next week for my loved one. I need to figure out how to handle this.
Another exhausting element is with memory loss, every few minutes my LO will ask what are we packing for. Every time I stop the preparation(packing) and compassionately explain that she is moving to a new apt where they can provide more help for the things I can no longer do. Then we talk about details focusing on the aspects / topics of what is unsafe now. For example, you will have someone bring you your medicine instead of being fearful you missed taking them on time. We had an automatic pill dispenser in place. Also meals will be made by a chef and you get choices of what you want to eat as opposed to meals on wheels when she disliked so much and wouldn’t eat healthy. Someone would be near 24/7 so any question, need or help is given. I also would share my health issues and what I cannot do anymore. I also say my frequency of popping in will be when I know she’ll be awake because of a set routine. Etc... it helps take over the her anxiety. On the plus side she liked that it will be a smaller apt, the apt now she feels is too large. I showed her the apt layout and it was pleasing to her. Still, there is anxiety with the unknown and I validate that but reinforce I never would let her fall between the cracks of not getting well cared for because I love her too much. So far this has helped. Move in is this weekend, so praying for no additional issues! I am thankful she is cooperative, but it still is emotionally and physically exhausting❣️
Thank you so much for this video. I just saw it today, and it affirmed the decision I had to make when I moved my dad. In December I had to use the compassionate lie and walk him out of his house, away from his four cats and lifelong belongings and into a home. He didn’t realize he would never see his cats or most of his stuff again. This video was a comfort to watch to affirm I did the right thing. Thanks for all you do Dr Natalie!
Horrible that you deceived him!
@@lilyjazel5258 Horrible that that you are not a compassionate person and can't realize how absurd your thinking is.
This video was very helpful. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
There's no good reason to lie. You have to remember that we're accountable to God too.
Your videos are so helpful.
I'm so glad!
My husband has been in a nursing home for two years. Of course it broke my heart. When he asks me when am l going to leave this place l tell him as soon as he’s better. He doesn’t question me anymore. I am learning the art of distraction when it’s time for me to leave.
It sounds like your doing amazing with a difficult situation. The art of distraction is a great skill. Keep it up, Careblazer!
and you think he believes you?
During these post-covid times we are dealing with all medical and long term care facilities are short staffed which means quality of care has gone way down. Unless a person has family to constantly check on their care at the facility a nursing home resident is not so well cared (physical and mental) for. Low income/medicaid people are low on the totem pole for getting into good caring facilities and good care. Long term care facilities are Corporate businesses and are about making money. I had to put my husband into a facility and fortunately he received good care even though he was having Medicaid pay for the facility because Medicare DOES NOT pay for long term care facilities after so many days. It only pays the Health Care ( medicine, doctor visits, treatments) costs.
Thank you for this video as we are considering making this move for my mom. She's had dimentia for a while and we have had aides come in to check on her during the week. We have found a couple of homes in Chautauqua County and I know when the decision is made, I am going to be a nervous wreck as she'll fight it and call us every name in the book. I did like the idea of the Dr having offices there or perhaps taking part in a study. Thank you for those and please keep this topic coming as I'll need you!
I feel for you! I think my mom will cry and say you lied to me, or how could you do this to me? I am not looking forward to this day, which is in about two weeks.
In America, you can't afford a nursing home if you are a worker with BIG savings and that's impossible when getting 7-10 dollars an hour.
So true. After Medicare and secondary insurance pays for my mils stay, we still are left with $2000 a month bill.
Thank you! I am visiting Memory Care facilities now, though my HWA is not ready yet. Trying to figure it out. Thanks Dr. Natali
Just went thru this
Now I know at what stage my mom will most likely have to be placed in a home
It's a very difficult decision for me to make if my mom can no longer take care for herself!! I know that I will have to do what I have to do in her best interest!!!
Ty
What to do when there are three siblings, but two only are doing all the heavy lifting and are exhausted. Keeping a full time job and never having any time to really relax is hard mentally, emotionally and physically. We can't all say we are going on a holiday. One sister had surgery and she was out for six weeks because she wasn't allowed to drive so it left the other two to make up the slack as well. Mother will not understand that it's really taking it's toll. It's been almost six years now and we are at the point of crying. Constant complaints. Not once, has she been happy in the last six years. On the contrary she's been so miserable and telling us every day how miserable she is. Drove every friend away because she says she only wants us.
We had a helper introduced as a cleaning lady that worked for us but be strong for yourselves and your health xxx
What i told my mother is that I needed to visit my children, and that I wanted to be sure she was OK. I had already done one respite stay, but this was going to be permanent. It was just very awkward to deal with my mom's fecal incontinence as her son. She was either advanced dementia or close, plus at 94, also had physical limitations.
I being a nurse disagree with putting anyone in a nursing home unless there is absolutely no other choice.
My wife (who exited 12 times a day looking for her childhood home and parents) did not want to go. I told her it was rehabilitation for her knee and got her in. when she realized she was locked in she became angry and uncooperative. She threatened to use her cane as a weapon and threw it at me. they took her to the hospital and declared Alzhiemer's behavior. The home would not take her back , the hospital reached out to 20 centers but none would take her.
Unfortunately, the sanitary crisis makes it sooooo much more difficult here in France !
Impossible to HAVE A TOUR inside nursing homes in order to choose one (my Mother was willing to do that, for "later").
And if I put her in a nursing home here now... It's forbidden to come and visit her more than half an hour every 2 weeks ! And without touching !
This sounds like a sentence to straight death (or very quickly completely loosing what's left of her mind and health).
I just can't get myself to make the decision in such conditions.
But I'm frighteningly exhausted and having a heart condition now.
It feels I have to choose between her or me.
It's just horrible.
My heart goes out to you. This is an almost impossible situation.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I wasn’t allowed to see my father for three years because the nursing home was locked up and I couldn’t get in because I of covid. I finally got to see him this spring. He just passed away a month ago. I know given the choice he would’ve rather been exposed to me than sitting alone for three years.
@@Jazzykatt23 I'm glad he got to see you again before he passed away !
I moved my parents to a care home in December and then I had to fish them out and take them home to isolate with me 3 months later because of the pandemic.
Jesus, that sounds like pure hell. I’m sorry.
That fake virus sure destroys everything.
@@ursulasmith6402 Yep, I'm sick to death of all the bullcrap.
My mom always said that she wants to remain in her own home. She told me in event that if her condition gets worse, to hire a nurse to take care of her.
danielle Tripkoff Unfortunately, as health deteriorates, most homes are not designed to handle people with significant illnesses. Toilets, bath tubs, rehab area, handles in hallways, changing stairs can be expensive to accommodate for them, and then getting them to and from medical appointments can simply be undoable. Then hiring a live in nurse for 24 hr care can be very expensive and difficult to find. At some point, many elderly people are simply not going to be able to stay in their homes, especially with dementia.
Dont feel bad about lyeing. They lie to us all the time!
Besides, they don't live inside your truth, they live inside theirs and you can help create that with them.
You are helping me so much and thank you , but we are doing this during covid plus family members don't agree with what we have decided . I know logically that my mum needs to be there but I'm getting abuse from family and my mum is calling me saying to come get her . I feel so lost and unsure what to do for the best
I'm keeping my husband at home. The Nursing home's are deplorable and doesn't take good care of our loved ones. Hospices offers to come in and give care , home care not just end of life care. They'll cook ,clean, bathe, sit and also they have nurses and Dr.'s. If the patient may have to go to the ER you can call a nurse to come out and to see if she can be of any help before taking them to the hospital and having to wait 5 hrs. So call Hospices in your state to see if they offer this. Georgia does and i'm about to sign my husband up. If your loved one's need medical supplies they'll supply it, medicare pays for it all! Good luck and God bless.
My grandad got dementia, due to having been exposed to various paints thru work for like 50 years...they had no vents, masks etc... and he was veeeery strong. When a doctor asked him to squeese his hand, at the hospital, he near broke all his bones lol. He ended up at a carehome and he was the worst patient they ever had. He had to be heavily sedated, forcefully. Think he died after 3 years .
OMW, I am also facing a LOWD & Parkinsons and I have come to realize that I am not coping with zhe stress associated with this task! Her Psychiatrist has suggest "a retirement home" where qualified medical staff are on site and there will be people we know as well!
How to get her to agree is the challenge at the moment!!!😢
We are looking to place now. All she says is "don't leave me" but with health issues of my own, i can't bathe or change her. She needs help with everything including everything in the bathroom. From brushing teeth to wiping her butt. We didn't know of her diagnosis and she decided to hide it from everyone. It's only made everything worst. Good luck to anyone out there going through this. Edit: to include that we have to tell her when to drink water or use the bathroom... If not she wouldn't do either💔
25 years ago my ex-mother-in-law suffered dementia, and ended up in a facility. I was the only one dealing with her transition from home. I was first to recognize my father's alzheimers fifteen years ago, and my wife's mother is transforming. In all three cases, the closest caregivers were the last to cope. It is a NORMAL response to reason, to assist, and to not comprehend how harmful this process is to the caregivers. The Patient has no ability to comprehend any part of this toxic situation. As a caregiver, you are only failing yourself, not the Patient by not releasing control.
Iam
so glad I found you. My husband is in stage 2 and unruley at times with outside home family members. They are wanting me to place him in home now. Fear for me. I don’t feel that way. He takes showers, dresses,feeds himself. He does refuse his meds. He so relies on me. Knows me. Not all family members. Is it time to place him? Thanks Gloria
You can do it!
Thank you for your support & information. In 2014 Our mother had a stroke...she regained 80% recovery..Mom's PCP & visiting nurse deemed her capable of living in her home...But however.the 1st born daughter. Our sister is a medical bully....an RN without any further degrees & made a plan to deceive our morher into a nursing home...it was basically " one flew over the coocoos nest" plan...Our Sister also says. She gas the power "to lock us up" in a pyshce ward a 303? And because if HIPPA she dies not have to discuss our mother's health or fate...Our Mom had almost 10 years of living at peace......
Short answer: there is no good way to go about it. Do what ever you have to do.
I've been taking care of my mom, who has Alzheimer's, for 4 years. She has gotten progressively worse and I need extra help, it's getting really hard for me. Assistant living homes are very expensive, it's hard to fine a place she can afford.
Can you please differentiate between nursing home and memory care home?
I had no problem whatsoever when trying to convice my mom she needed to be admitted to a nursing home. Did she have dementia or a lot of some other diagnosis instead which requiired a team of qualified care givers to offer her proper health care and she knew it too? All I could do at the time was trust that her family doctor had made the right diagnosis. Reminded me of when I agreed that I needed to be admitted to hospital once in an age when a lot of doctors were more willing to hospitalize women for longer periods of time when their home life for whatever reason was less than favorable for making a full recovery from whatever. Like no wheel chair and no wheel chair ramp at home and not wide enough interior doors in the home for starters. At the time my mom had just been through emergency surgery for a broken hip which happened while she was already on a waiting list for many years to get her other hip replacemtn done many years ago replaced again. After she had already survived more than one kind of Cancer too while she was still suffering from osteoarthritis around old injuries which she got while growing up on her parents farm during the Great Depression. Like by falling off of a horse; breaking a collar bone when trying to start a tractor as the eldest child etc. Left her wondering sometimes why it wasn't worse higher number of old injuries given some of the kind of things she was being expected to do to help her family survive. Ever tried to get consistent good nights sleep while suffering from osteoarthritis in more than one spot too? At the time she had a busy household with her grandson in it of only age 11 or so whom she had to do most of the work at home for since he was age only 2 or 3. My mom could have walked into her nursing home room at the time I convinced her she needed a very long rest after all of that with a team of better than us qualified medical caregivers around. She was able to be talking to everyone at the time or while humming a tune during the transfer from an auxillary hospital to a nuirsing home. Instead she followed orders after in an instant agreeing with me that the nursing home was the best for now place for her - Like a Swiss guard who was finally going to get out of the heat on a hot day of duty for the queen. My mom is 6 ft. tall.
We have been told not to come for a visit for the first two weeks due to the anxiety and have been told it makes an easier transition. We are not sure if this is a good idea and are having a difficult time with that.
My dad will never go to one as he is also a smoker. I've been trying to convince him to move into my town for years just so I and my family can visit him daily and take care of him. He has Alzheimer's and dementia. But, he's cognitive of his surroundings.
Sorry I meant to say how can I get around this problem, I'm left with carry on or leave
What do you do if they will not listen to you on anything? Or talk to you at all.
Great discussion. I only wish you were around when I went through this with my mom. She was in Arkansas. Me and my brother in California. She was falling at her home, fortunately - no broken bones... but potentially very serious. It was only a matter of time She would go to the hospital, rehab a while and go home.
She was in a rehab facility recovering from the latest fall when I got a call from Adult Protective Services in her county. They were very direct, either we (my brother and me) get guardianship and put her in a care facility before she was released or they would. And BTW, good luck getting custody back once we have it. That was literally the jist of the conversation. And they wanted to approve of her care facility.
I was shocked. I knew she was having problems but hadn't seen it as that bad. I called a local AR attorney that we knew. He literally walked the paperwork through the next day. My mom was supposed to be released the next day. The rehab facility was also an assisted care facility.
Me and my brother called my mom that afternoon to explain what was happening. She was furious. When your mom speaks about you in third person saying, "I can't believe my sons did this to me" - It was a horrible day. I know it was the best thing... it was still awful. I had family back there that hated me because of "what I had done to her...."
There are many things I could have done differently, but you don't know what you don't know. Thanks for the videos. I hope many pay heed to your advice. It is compassionate and priceless.
Its rough..my mom is so dependent on me ..doesnt let me rest or get aids without throwing a fit..her anxiety gets the best of her..I spoke to her about a home..but I see her causing a big problem..and you won't get your money back...it on month to month payment..so what happens if she's wants out after a week ?..will they just medicate her ..an leave her in a room alone..
Maybe using term, "assisted living" rather than nursing home. "Nursing Home" has a big stigma attached to it.
I did not see link below, but want to get the booklet you talked about.
Also any suggestions for a mother-in-law who is deaf ? With dementia
Thank you for these videos we could have sworn she was just going crazy.
You have answered so many questions thank you
Here's the link to the survival guide: app.convertkit.com/landing_pages/366531?v=7
I'll work on a video on dementia and being deaf
What happenes with this covid and not being able to see them or the place or meet their caregivers and all the staff that would be helping care for them...It is heartless frustrating and downright cruel......help .....
tell people how expensive a nursing home cost is. here in northwest florida,it is $8'000 a month.this is with 2 people in a room and nothing special.
Medicaid?
@@SandfordSmythe ,nope parents had savings until it was depleted,by nursing home costs. have to use up your savings,then apply for medicaid. nothing left,then they died.
I'm so thankful I found you when I did. My mother and I have been watching as many of your videos as possible this week. My father went from misplacing car keys back in Mid to End of June, to full on dimensia symptoms due to a fall he suffered "wandering" outside in the middle of the night. He just got transfered from hospital yday late to the new facility, mu mother and I are heading over this afternoon, so getting him there won't be an issue, but I can guarantee he won't want to stay. Anyways, sorry if that was too rambling, I just tried to click the link for your 28 page guide and it says "pages missing"?? Just curious if their is another option to receive that info.
Thanks again,
Zach
What if your parent is already bed bound? What will their quality of life be in a facility?
My loved ones are terrified to go to the nursing home. They are expecting kids to take care of them.
Please discuss moving near adult children when LO doesn't want to move.
Hi Geri, Thank you for this topic suggestion. I will most certainly do a video on this topic in the future and I will let you know when I post it. Best of luck to you and your loved one it what sounds to be a difficult situation.
Hi Geri! I wanted to let you know that I did a video for you and it will post this Sunday. I hope it helps.
What can I do get her to go to a nursing home. The only way I could if the doctor gives her sative to relax her is the only way it work work for my mom
The free guide link takes me to an ad.
What do you do when your family member has dementia but no dementia care facility will take him because they think he's too risky to manage? What other options are there? There are no other health issued, just dementia.
I'm sorry to hear this. I've heard about this difficult situation when the person with dementia has a lot of behavioral challenges, mostly aggressiveness. Is this the case with your loved one?
Rest home with hired, private caregiver support on site. That’s pricey though.
Hi, this may be out in left field, but my mother had agression issues and it was due to a side effect of a stating drug. Now, I always review all side effects, online. She was switched to Crestor and is not agressive, anymore. Still exhibiting dementia type behavior though.
Hi, this may be out in left field, but my mother had agression issues and it was due to a side effect of a statin drug. Now, I always review all side effects, online. She was switched to Crestor and is not agressive, anymore. Still exhibiting dementia type behavior though.
The video sounds like Safeway grocery store commercials
We're 4 siblings but my mom who hace dementia stays with my apartment with my children but know honestly i have health issues, stress and tough responsibility
Hi, my 86 yo Mum has about stage 6 Alzheimer’s dementia my 87 yo father has Logopenic Dementia and severe OCD and OCPD. They have lived with us for the past 15 months and My husband and I do everything for them except showering. Mum is deteriorating and we see the need for nursing home care approaching. My father refuses to go into Respite Care (stayed only 5 days of a 3 week booking last year which we arranged so we could take a break. He hated it and took Mum out of Respite Care and went back to their own home (about 30 minutes drive com us) for the rest of our holiday....not fair on us at all). My question relates to how we can go about putting Mum into a nursing home if my father insists that, if they can’t stay with us, he will take them both ‘home’ to their place.
He refuses to go into any care situation and insists that he will take Mum and go back to living alone in their home......where he neglects Mum because his OCD takes over and he gets obsessed with jobs outside in his garage and he neglects to eat, drink or sleep, and neglects these things for my helpless mother too. We drove to their home and cooked/cleaned for them (then drove home and cooked/cleaned at our own place) every day for a year and can’t go back to doing that.
Any advise on how to handle care for my mother when my father refuses to co-operate..
Thank you.
A refrain you can use to fend off the question about you taking him home is, “that’s a good question, let’s stay here for now.” I’m sure you’ve developed a lot of tools in this past year.
Is it too late to leave a comment after 6 years?
Where we live there is new legislation regarding consent, that allows a patient to override any representation agreement/power of attorney in this matter. If there is a space in a care home but Mom says she doesn’t want to go, they drop her from the list. Anxious, stubborn, frightened and resistant? Then nothing happens and they stay in an unsafe environment. It’s infuriating.
I'm caring for my mum. She has dementia, it's def worsened in the 7 months I've lived with her. I had to leave my home, husband, cats, and garden to come & care for her. Her moods are all over the place. Tonight, she got all upset and was crying & crying. She was saying things, that confused me. I have multiple illnesses, & I'm wearing down. I don't know how much more I can manage. I've mentioned nursing home, but, she says, "I want to stay in my home, with my things" (me too, but I can't) how do I get mum, to see it's taking a toll on me & that, I need a break??
So sorry to hear. I pray a way forward can be found for you both. Your love and concern is evident.
Wondering how you feel about cbd and cbg treatment? My mom is on low dose of antidepressants and low dose of an Alzheimer’s drug. We see more side effects than improvement or stability.
I was diagnosed with dementia three years ago I am 59 years old. I am doing fine for now. I know it is going to get bad. So my question is how do I get my family to say they will put me in when I get bad. They always say there is no way they will ever put me in. I have told them to do it, it will be to hard on them. Thanks great channel.
I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope you are surrounded with love and support.
You are so welcome!
Buy book Title the end of alzheimer's £20 from Amazon
I placed my dad in a home a few years ago. It didn't go well. He had been living with me and doing better here, but now he is dying quickly, and I don't know if he should be in hospice or not. He's sleeping all the time. And won't eat much. Should I just let him go and sleep until the end??
He's not drinking anymore as well 😕
Sounds like it’s time for hospice to be called. You’ll be glad you do because they will help.