Dating & Relationship's Mixed Messages, Expectations, and Assumptions: Not Seeing the Truth
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 19 окт 2024
- Dating & Relationship's Mixed Messages, Expectations, and Assumptions: Not Seeing the Truth
Alan Robarge, Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
Join us in the Improve Your Relationships Community
Click Link to Learn More
bit.ly/462sWNM
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course
Click Link to Learn More
bit.ly/3Nnp8iK
Want a Session? Want to Work Together?
www.healingatt...
![ARGENTINA vs. BOLIVIA [6-0] | RESUMEN | ELIMINATORIAS SUDAMERICANAS | FECHA 10](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/C3wPtKNbAOA/mqdefault.jpg)
Your channel is by far the most helpful on my journey to healing, Alan. You're such a great help for those who don't have the resources to access mental health support that they so desperately need.
I appreciate the kind feedback. Thank you for sharing my work has been helpful and thank you for valuing my effort.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Ending is a skill 🙏🏻
Yes.
At 49, this is what I’ve learned about interpersonal relationships:
Having grown up with CEN, I relate to the dynamics described by the definition, which then resulted in my simply tolerating people I wasn’t connecting with. The difference with me is that I never felt that I had to remain committed to any situation, and always knew that on MY end, I was emotionally-healthy and modeling optimal behaviors.
I no longer have to speculate, as I now understand the “why” behind the “what.”
Being an introvert, I was fortunate because I always had so many interests to pursue, and this never required other humans to join in-in fact, solitude was necessary. As fellow introverts will also profess, their me-time is sacred and tons of fun! That has been, and will always be the case.
Now, as for learning about HOW to be in interpersonal relationships, nobody in my life ever modeled that for me, so there was always that awkwardness and alienation, but I’ve discovered that I’m in a minority, archtetypally, so no matter what, I would’ve always run into people who could never relate to me-most are shallow, and I’m not. I like to dive in deeper, right away, understanding that there’s no point in talking about “nothing,” if I can’t establish what someone’s character is.
That said, we should all know how to navigate social niceties,but pursue what’s personally-meaningful to us.
Though offline relationships may be lacking, I no longer feel starved for conversation-I don’t need a whole lot emotionally, being a thinker type, but I do need a lot of mental stimulation & novelty. I’ve always been my authentic self, fortunately, which is why I’ve never been confused about my identity-I just needed to learn how to develop agency.
What really helps when we don’t grow up with any healthy modeling of interpersonal relationships, is to look for people in the media who communicate the way we would like to be communicated WITH. I’ve listened to tons of conversational interviews, since they reflect real-life interactions. People who watch a lot of SCRIPTED DIALOGUE tend to be very awkward, and they seem to have a common thread of not being self-aware-they’re quite shallow, and not people I’d ever need or be able to connect with….but they seem to be fine with just killing time and not having anything to show for it.
I almost forgot to mention that when I actually click with someone, it’s INSTANT & EFFORTLESS. It doesn’t occur often, but that led me to realize that I’m just one of those people who won’t be encountering someone regularly, who’s going to be special to me, and I’m totally ok with that. 👍
Thanks to social media, I’m able to have the most soul-satisfying convos now, and the best part is, I can do it from the comfort of my home. I also love that I don’t have to keep in touch with them, since introverts are really bad at that. 😅
In short,being a self-aware, observant & analytical introvert has been my saving grace. 🙏 (I know that wasn’t short-I’m usually long-winded. 😂)
Shared on facebook! 👍
Fellow introvert- felt this in my soul 😊
Love this comment, thank you for your thoughts!
Omgggggggg the man that changed my life is back!!!
lol Thank you for the kind words and welcome. Glad my work brings you benefit.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. I appreciate your help.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTraumaOf course. I will do you one better. I’ll share with other creators, It could definitely help them in this creative industry. Do you do appearances on other channels?
@@heinzsight Thank you for the kind support and suggestion. Have not done any collabs or appearances elsewhere. Thanks again.
Before app dating, I don’t recall this weirdness of meeting people but needing to keep dating others bc it was a big deal to commit to dating one person. I’ve seen comments from people in England that when they meet people they date just them. It seems impossible to meet someone to date that wants a loving connected relationship. People who grew up to know how to value themselves and who met good people from the beginning got the gold of life.
I totally agree. When I met my wife (now soon to be ex wife) back in 2001, everything was super easy and simple. We dated, became exclusive, and got married. Yeah, we married young and basically "grew up" together. I honestly wouldn't have done it with anyone else. But today's dating landscape is more of a hellscape. The whole thing is some cat and mouse game of not showing your cards. It's a mess.
Just read a comment from an old lady a Slovak comedy actress in an improvisational theater:
She said "It's not an art to play happy when everything is alright.
It is an art to play happy when the soul is hurt."
As an actress, she may play happily. :)
But nice people are attracted to nic people.
So helpful. My eyes were welling up with tears as you described this. It is what I have experienced. I, in the end, sat an ultimatum with my ex partner. It was not only because of his diagnosed mental health concerns but also his self medicating with substances. Add onto that my abandonment wound, which kept me fighting for it to work. It has been so difficult to focus on me and healing as I was raised to be severely co-dependent and manipulated into solving others' problems. Then, dealing with the embarrassment and shame that was produced when my own attachment wound behavior was discovered. I am focused on healing me and letting others figure themselves out. It is like a whole new world was uncovered, and it can feel very scary after so much manipulation and gaslighting for pretty much my entire life. Thank you so much for these priceless videos!
Thank you for valuing my effort and thank you for sharing this video was helpful and I'm glad it sparked reflection for you. Many of us can relate with these dynamics.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
This is great! A fantasy relationship just blew up in my face and this video explains a lot, especially why the grief was so intense considering I wasn't getting my needs met and couldn't figure out how to talk about it or get out of the situation. Thanks for your time
This grief really is intense and it makes so much sense. So many of us have been in this situation. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful for you and I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. It's so validating when others can relate. Thanks again for your feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I needed to hear this rn, well done on articulating such a complex thing in a relatable way. I got it, I already knew it but you confirmed it for me. And It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Thank you doesn’t seem sufficient. Love and light ✌🏻
Glad to hear this video resonated and was helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
I know when we mentioned mixed the complexity of this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
omg yess!!! thank you for vocalizing what i’ve been trying to explain for months to my ex partner. it is unproductive to fight for a dysfunctional relationship! this made my night thank you i was feeling so guilty and confused because i couldn’t properly express that exact concept
Glad this video spoke to you and glad it helped bring some clarity. Thank you for valuing my work.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Your zoomed in frame and painted backdrop give the video a bright and modern vibe- nice change!
Alan, You are so amazing - I love your way!
I'm so glad you're back
I appreciate the warm welcome.
Please share this video with others to help spread the word about this topic. Thank you.
I needed to hear this. My exact situationship currently. Now i need a video on how to end it. As hes my neighbor, and do onto others. Etc.
Thanks so much - here I'm leaving my coment for the algoryth and as support! ;)
This is one of the absolute best videos I've ever taken the time to watch. Thank you Alan Robarge.
So glad you’re putting out new content. Your videos have put words to my feelings and it’s so helpful to hear what I know to be true inside (including all of the internal back and forth). I appreciate you and your willingness to make content like this. You’re one of the people who helped me make it through 2023.
Thank you for sharing my work has been helpful for you and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad my work speaks to you.
Please share this video on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help and I appreciate the feedback.
Felt like you made this video specifically for me today. This is the exact situation I am in after dating a beautiful, lovely avoidant man for the past 6 months. My anxiety has been out of control and I called the relationship off 3 weeks ago. But with joint Christmas and new year events, boundaries have been blurred, mixed messages have continued and we are both very confused about what’s happening and where to go next. This video has been helpful. Thank you Alan.
Glad to hear you related with this content. Many of us have also been there with the anxiety and confusion. Thank you for sharing this video was helpful.
I want to share you may also like participating in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I remember when we talked about mixed messages and the conversation was similar to your comment. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I was really triggered by this guy youre describing... It really showed me where my abandonment wound sat and i was able to do the work.
When it starts to look confusing, walk away.
Your content is so good. Thank you Alan.
Thank you for sharing this content inspired reflection for you. I appreciate the kind feedback and thank you for valuing my effort.
Please also share this RUclips video elsewhere like on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
Alan your videos help me so much. I dont have many people curious about my inner world. So without that chance to mirror its very hard to figure this out on my own. So thank you so so much for sharing ❤️
So glad to see that you are back!!! Your content is appreciated. It helped me about 2-3 years ago and I come from time to time. Thank you for being you. Sending love ❤️
Thank you so much, just what I needed to see/hear today.. 🙏🏽
I need to watch again to fully understand, but I felt it’s like what I’m experiencing but wasn’t quite able to put my finger on..
Thank you for sharing this video spoke to you and it brought you some clarity. Glad my work is helpful.
Please share this RUclips video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help and I appreciate the feedback.
I’m so happy I have found you ❤
You’re part of my A team in managing mid life crisis
Have you read ‘Love's Executioner’ by Irvin D. Yalom, Alan. I find the same wisdom and understanding in your work as in his 👏 👏👏👏
Thank you Alan. Bless you.
Ahh. Thank you Alan. I've missed your videos. I was just thinking to myself how I normally would mock the whole self-love self-compassion stuff, but for some reason my heart feels pretty open to listening to those gentle reminders when you speak it.
In the last 8 months, romance hasn't really been at the forefront for me. But I did lose my mother (difficult relationship without much resolution) and yesterday my dad euthanized her dog and their cat. It was done in the same fashion in which I found out my mom was on life support after battling a rare cancer. I am definitely in a raw and grieving space. I have never felt this numb and lifeless. It's like all the colors drained away from the world. Attachments are definitely part of the equation.
- INFJ
Empathy goes out to you, this sounds like a painful place. One day at a time. Thank you for sharing your grief and I'm glad the videos are helpful.
Appreciate your unique perspective and your time sharing information that seems to connect some dots helping to develop a broader and more comprehensive understanding of a picture with complex composition....🙏
Wonderful depth of understanding. I was ready to hear this.
Thank you for your wisdom, Alan. Truly appreciated.
I appreciate the kind words and I'm glad this video was helpful for you. You may also like to take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Your vocal inflections of self-talk sarcasm sound like my own, and it’s soooo funny to hear somebody else do it! 😆
lol thank you, glad you connected.
You change lives for the better
Always get something of great value from Alan. Def. helps to make decisions and see clearly. From the bottom of my heart ...Thank you Alan! You have helped me in more ways than one. ❤
hi Alan! can you please make a video on ghosting (specifically, why FA's ghost people)?
I'm anxious preoccupied, and me and my fearful avoidant ex broke up about 10 months ago. We starting talking again in late august (after about 6 months of complete no contact). He told me that he hasn't moved on from me but is very very scared to get back together (even though nothing bad happened for us to break up -- we both just need to heal from our trauma/attachment styles). We hung out a few times in September and things went great. then, we hung out one day (the last time I saw him) and we had a vulnerable conversation. we were both so happy and had a great time, and then for a few days after that.. he didn't text me at all. it was so weird and all of a sudden. after a few days of not talking, I communicated to him that I need a little more consistency with texting and hanging out if we want to be on the road of getting back together, and I think that scared him away (that combined with the vulnerable/intimate time we spent together lately). all he said to that message was "ur right. lets talk in person and see a bit" .. long story short, we didn't talk after that and he completely ghosted me. I texted him two weeks after he ghosted me just to say I enjoyed our time together, im not upset with you but idk why u suddenly stopped talking to me, and just to get closure. it's been almost 3 months since that message, and ... no reply... obviously.
why would he stop responding all of a sudden? he kept saying he didn't move on from me and that this was making him so happy (but so so scared at the same time). why did he suddenly ghost me after I was open to giving him a second chance (since he was the one that broke up with me)?
if you could make a video about this, that would be SO helpful for me! thanks :)
You look so healthy Alan! Keep shining✨
Hello Alan. I remember finding your videos around 6 years ago when I was going through a painful breakup. Fast forward to today and I have recently been ghosted by someone I feel used me. I'm hating that, even having watched your excellent videos, I have just gone and made all the same mistakes again; rushing in too soon, ignoring red flags, and now constantly ruminating and looping about a person I know is bad for me. I fear I might be a lost cause but I appreciate your content nonetheless.
Great awareness and I hear you. So many of us have also been in this spot. It's great to have a space to talk about this with others who understand our experience. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. You're invited to join us. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
This is so good. Thank you for sharing
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help.
Thank you Alan for another great video. Can you please make a video about - can two love addicts have a meaningful relationship and how to navigate such a relationship? Thank you
I'm glad you like this video and thank you for the question. It's challenging to answer because there are many aspects we would need to consider from personal experience and history from each person.
I know we mention relating skills in conversations similar to your question in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You may like taking the relationship quiz to learn more about the Community. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you, will do
You’re back ! I missed you a ton !
Thank you for the kind words and warm welcome.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
This is so spot on for me and I've realized much more clarity regarding my attachment wounds and how it doesn't want let go of a relationship that isn't secure or what I want for myself....I have much compassion this time however for the other and myself having learned so much about the trauma ... we are all doing our best and no one is to blame. Not even me.🙏🏻
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. Glad this video spoke to you and glad my work was helpful with creating some clarity around attachment wounds.
I remember when this came up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I have watched this 3 times now. My brain is stuck in wanting a fearful avoidant man, who is so wrong for me. My body is suffering. 5 years in hell. I want out.
Many of us can relate. I hear you.
I know when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the Community, take the quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
You have the best videos out there.
Much love to you ❤
I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for valuing my work.
Please share this video with others and like on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
Very helpful video, thank you Alan ☺
Thank you so much for making these videos.
You're welcome.
Thank you for this!
So helpful, insightful and compassionate- as always. Thank you!
Well thank you for the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Thank you Alan!!
Thank you 🙏
You're welcome. Glad you like this video.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word. Thank you.
All Alen, Permission to tell the truth. Thank you for all content. It has helped my profoundly.
I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for valuing my work and glad it is helpful and offers value.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Very consistent and balanced explanation! Thank you
I appreciate the kind words, thank you for seeing my effort and glad it brings you benefit.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.
Thank you ! 😊
You're welcome. Glad you like this video.
Please share with others to help spread the word. Thank you.
Thank you
Thank you, this was super helpful
You're welcome and thank you for sharing this was super helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work.
You may also like to take the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Hey Alan, love your videos! 🥰 I was thinking, maybe time stamps could make your long videos more accessible to a wider audience since maybe some topics sound relatable and some not so much ✨🫶🏽
Glad to hear you love the videos and thanks for the feedback.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
Amazing video. Thank you
Thank you for the words. Glad my work brings value.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about this topic. Thank you for the help.
Thanks!
Thank you for the kind donation.
thank you!!
You are looking stunning❤
Thanks.
Good information
Thanks.
You’re incredibly helpful to me, I appreciate you
Thank you for sharing my work has been so helpful for you.
Please share this RUclips video elsewhere like on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help and I appreciate your feedback.
I have a friend who considers me her best friend, we write music together and what not, but everytime I try to show up as that friend (plan a birthday party or friendly get together) I get excuses and gaslit… especially around her current relationship. I didn’t find out about it until months later. I wasn’t bothered via jealousy but more so that she didn’t feel she could tell me that (I found out she has a lot of shame around it cause it’s a work relationship with a manager and it’s considered unethical in the company.)
Realizing I have a high tolerance of confusion and what you said about the hormonal cocktail really hit me. Even though we aren’t romantically involved, I feel a lot of what you say applies and I’m realizing it’s time to probably end things with this “best friend.” It’s just really really hard. It’s been a months long process of realizing all of this after trying to connect further than just surface level. My empathy is way out of balance sometimes.
Thanks for your videos-very helpful.
Yes, confusion is right and I can imagine the stress and imbalance in relationships like this. I know that many of us have been in similar situations and that they can be stressful. I want to share that we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It is so validating when others can relate because of having been through it as well. We learn so much from each other. Thank you for sharing your experience and for letting me know the videos are helpful. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Really needed this, thank you
Glad to hear this is helpful for you. Thank you for valuing my work.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you for the help.
I'm confused because in my situation i stated what i was interested in in dating this person agreed they wanted the same then actions started not aligning with words nothing crazy just not having alot of time due to starting business up so i expressed i require time we should meet in the middle where we're both comfortable but then he changed again my confusion is how did i expect them to meet my needs they didn't meet their expectations of themselves not me so they said i deserve better.
Thank you for all your videos ❤
You're welcome and thank you for valuing my work. Glad it brings benefit.
Please share this RUclips video on other social sites. It really helps spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
It gets a little impossible to have a healthy relationship when you have attachment trauma 😢
Thank you for the comment and many of us can relate with feeling that way.
I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Always a joy to see you upload 😊🙏 Thank you so much
I appreciate the kind words and thank you for valuing my work.
Please share this video on other social sites to help spread the word about these topics. Thank you.
How do you always have a video for my specific situation
lol glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort.
Please share this video by posting the RUclips link on other social sites. It really helps spread the word on topics like this. Thank you.
❤❤❤
Thank you.
@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma so welcome.. finding your content incredibly helpful.. the blame game most click bait channels subscribe too does nothing for me since I'm neither a victim or an ego maniac.. lol.. so some basic self awareness and just simple naming of what I've been experiencing and allowing to run rampant thru my mind helps.. I was starting to get bored so figured I'd better take some sort of stock and sort things so I can move forward..
Exactly what I was looking for. I have two questions: Firstly, is it necessary for me to delve further into understanding manipulation or emotional abuse caused by narcissistic personalities? I feel like I've already gone through a lot, and this topic often brings up negative feelings. At times, I just don't feel the need to explore it further. Secondly, when you mentioned not discussing people seeking control but focusing on those who are "clueless" or struggle in relationships, could you clarify that? Is there another video addressing individuals who seek control?
Glad this video spoke to you and thank you for the questions. It's challenging to answer with one response here because it would really need multiple conversations. We would need to consider personal experience and history. Regarding the question about being "clueless" I think you may be referring to this idea of how sometimes people are unaware. So it's not so much they're coming from seeking control but perhaps more so that they don't realize how others are receiving them.
Thank you for reflecting. I know when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was an exploration similar to your comment. If you're not familiar with the Community, take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
The thumbnails of videos make assumptions.... In each of them is a female photo with upset face.
Hey Alan 🫶🏻🙏🏻 long time no see glad your back
I appreciate the kind welcome back. Thank you for valuing my work.
Please share this RUclips video by posting the link on other social sites. It really helps to spread the word about these topics. Thank you for your help.
Thank you
You're welcome. Glad you like this one.
Please share with others to help spread the word on these topics. Thank you.