"Why do I crave touch but hate asking for it?" | AKA 188
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- Опубликовано: 1 ноя 2023
- In this episode we will be talking about why we can crave physical touch yet struggle to ask for it and even feel awkward when it’s happening. I will also talk about asking for things in therapy so that we get our needs met, and how we can forgive ourselves for past suicide attempts. I will then dig into therapy ending and why we can fear it, how people can actually love their life, and finally how to communicate about our mental illness. I hope my answers are helpful! Let’s jump right in!
1. I was wondering what your thoughts or tips are for people who crave physical touch but don’t get it or find it difficult or awkward to try and ask for it. 0:43
2. Is it ok to ask your therapist for more directed sessions? When I go into my appointment, she asks what I want to work on and I don’t really know what I want to do or where I want to go. 14:26
3. I was wondering what advice you would give for how to forgive yourself for a suicide attempt? I’m struggling years later when anyone offers compassion or tries to comfort me. 17:52
4. Is it normal to fear the end of therapy? I have only a certain number of sessions and still have a lot but nevertheless I already fear the end. Of course I hope it will be better by then but still the thought of never seeing my therapist again is very hard. 25:09
5. How can people love life? I'm not jealous or angry, it's just a "concept" I don't understand. For me life was/is always being scared, bullied, traumatized etc. I have dealt with severe mental health problems since I was a kid and now on top I was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few weeks ago. That's just health wise but the world we live in is awful. Humans are cruel and it's getting worse and worse. 31:56
6. Hi Kati! I’m new to your channel but I’ve recently been having an issue with communicating my mental illness with my partner. She has asked me to be more open about my depression and anxiety, which I have been doing for the most part, but I am... 35:55
Timestamps provided by @Lemonady :)
Recap by Tammy AI
0:03: 💆 Craving physical touch is a normal and reasonable need, but it can be difficult to ask for it or feel awkward when receiving it.
4:25: 💆 The video discusses how to heal from harmful touch and develop a healthy relationship with touch.
8:06: 💔 Physical touch is a human need, but some people may struggle with it due to various reasons, such as childhood neglect or abuse.
11:59: 👥 The video discusses trauma processing and finding ways to soothe the nervous system in order to cope with triggers related to childhood sexual abuse and the need for physical touch.
15:52: 🗣️ The therapist encourages being direct in therapy and asking for guidance, as it is the patient's time and process.
19:58: 💡 Therapist discusses the importance of therapy, communication, and connection in dealing with suicidal thoughts and attempts.
23:32: 😊 Katie discusses the importance of understanding why something is a big deal to us and suggests exploring therapy to address emotional neglect and inner child work.
27:22: ✨ Therapy can help, but it's important to do the work outside of sessions as well.
31:07: 😊 Focus on the good in life and choose to love it, despite the bad.
36:29: 💬 The importance of consistent and repetitive communication when discussing mental illness with a partner, especially during medication transitions.
39:33: ✨ The video discusses the importance of recognizing and expressing our own emotions and communicating effectively with our partners.
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These videos make me feel less bad about myself. Knowing this information makes me understand why I am the way I am. Thanks for being in this space. Hearing you say it does get better is healing. ❤
I have started seeing cuddle therapists this year. It has helped. In a way, I feel ashamed to pay to be cuddled or touched, but I don't tell anyone what I do. I see doing cuddle therapy as a form of self care.
I got touch as a child, however it would be withheld as a punishment. They'd say things like "don't come to me now, you're just trying to get out of being bad". It was treated as if I was manipulating my parents and grandparents with my need to be soothed.
❤
I’m here too ❤
Wauw, the physical touch one is a great topic. I know I struggle with physical touch and I know that my parents struggle with not knowing how to touch me. I am autistic and touch feels very overwhelming to me. But also, touch felt like it was used in a way to get something done or to confirm. It is a greeting, a custom, a tease but not something that is associated with intimicy or comfort. If anything, the moment my mom gets her PTSD attacks, she completely physically withdraws. Considering she has a 'long and rich' history with SA, it makes sense. Touch just didnt feel save and/or consistant.
I kinda experienced that for the first time during this year's summer course. That I had multiple PTSD attacks and the comfort of being held and being allowed to cry, and cry as long as I had to, was among the most powerful moments of healing I experienced. Just like it was to hold someone who was going through her own stuff, saying, telling her it was alright. That I understood and I was there for her. That she didnt need to fight or to explain. I just _knew_. I kneeled in front of a woman who sat in a chair, who held me tight and I just... Knew. I knew the power of her experience and I became so much stronger afterwards.
And when I got my last PTSD attack, last Sunday, a girl from the group ran up to me and gave me a hug. I saw her coming, I knew it was happening and though the hug was awkward, it pulled me back to the present. Perhaps that is what I will ask for a next time that it happens. That I can physically touch someones hand and that that is enough.
My positive moment from the day: My team at work all get along so well and always make each other laugh. It’s great being a part of such a lovely team.
Unfortunately we live in a world where the minute you tell somebody your needs they use it against you as leverage, or punish you saying you’re too needy, people tell you to just grow up and get over it, etc, etc, etc The things I have seen and experienced growing up and working with children and adults for 17 years would make a grown man vomit. Finding Pure love, compassion, empathy and trust in this current day and age, is next to winning the lottery.
Another thing with that, is that if you do have that actual safe, loving environment for growing up, you can get a sense of survivors guilt. I have tons and tons of survivors guilt because I do have that kind of thing, but I still struggle, and it becomes a weird mix of, I don't deserve this/I'm squandering it. I have to tell myself all the time that other people aren't like me, to be so mentally ill after all of this, to end up so fragile despite everything isn't _wrong_ just different.
In the world we live in, it's getting harder and harder to find safety when you need it, but I hope you can find some people who will be there for you, and will help you finally feel safe
I have had that safe environment but then it got ripped right out from underneath me time and time again. Either by people who are jealous, vengeful, hateful, greedy etc etc etc. I watched the same thing happen over and over again working with children and adults, Along with some really evil demonic crap. I don’t know if this therapist is still a Christian or not I watched a lot of her videos but I would hope that she thoroughly agrees with me that Ephesians 6:12 is extremely accurate and difficult to deal with.
Consider my love unpure, selfish and needy. But, I love you. In a generic mammal way.
I encourage anyone who is discouraged by the state of the world to go out and be the change you want to see. Volunteer, help your neighbor, pick up some litter....anything that improves things just a little bit is worth the effort. And while doing good things you won't be focused on the negative aspects of life!
my positive for the day was in my appointment with my dietician. i pushed myself to go and she was so kind and understanding. and at today one of the residents at the place i work opened the door for me. and i had a funny conversation with my colleague. life is really tough right now. but it also has these good things:)
It is sooo hard when someone needs physical touch but does not feel comfortable with touch. I agree that it has a lot to do with trauma, abuse, and neglect.
Perfect timing finding this video right now. I was actually crying most of the day due to craving physical touch. I left my husband less than 2 weeks ago and I'm staying at a friend's house. Logically, I know all I have to do is ask or just walk up and steal a hug. But it makes me very uncomfortable. I'm sure it doesn't help that I was brainwashed for the past 12yrs.
You have a great way to keep things simple yet not minimalistic or not cover the topic well. Thank you so much.
Timestamps!
Q1 - 0:43
Q2 - 14:26
Q3 - 17:52
Q4 - 25:09
Q5 - 31:56
Q6 - 35:55
Thank you :)
@@candytwiggytwist3506 You're welcome!
I hope you’re well, my friend. Thank you for still doing this valuable thing that helps me and so many others. 🤗✨You’re loved.
@@MrBungle900 It's my pleasure to help you and others. Take care!🤗
There was an incident with my child where they felt like they were being soothed so that their feelings were being ignored and that they were being silenced and dismissed instead of being addressed. This caused them to distrust a soothing touch for several years.
Thank you Kati. Your podcasts are so helpful.
For me touch was not withheld and there was no physical abuse. However I was emotionally punished and shamed if I didn't what physical affection with family members. My family would request that I hug or kiss them and if I didn't feel like it and said know there was just this huge dramatic reaction from all the adults and I just learned the lesson that it wasn't working because they will make me suffer one way or the other.
I know this one all to well.. fake affection on demand. In some cultures you must hug, kiss and be touched by the whole darn clan, or even by family friends, want it or not.. uncle Tony took full advantage!!! Yikes. Abusive
I value your content so much, thanks ❤
❤ your channel. I didn’t/haven’t asked any questions, but these are some I must’ve asked myself, cause I got emotional while listening.
I was hoping that you could talk about skin disease and the devastating impact of chronic acne it has on teenager and even into adulthood. It really messed with my mental health since I was rejected and made fun of as a kid. I didn’t have much or any support back then. I fought suicidal thoughts for decades because I felt so gross and defective. Any thoughts would be welcomed. Thanks Katie 😊
Hello! I recently rediscovered you channel and have been trying to find help in your videos.
So, here is a quick backstory to the question at the end.
So, I've struggle with my mental health for as long as I can remember. I didn't realize it until my 20s that my struggle was indeed mental health related, but the struggle was still there. Shortly after I started opening up about it and trying to get help, I started a tiring in and out cycle with hospital admissions. After several years of this, I was introduced to ECT. I have to say, that most likely saved my life. Hospitals visits have almost stopped and I've majorly cut down on my habits of hurting myself in different ways.
During my last hospital visit, the doctor who does my ECT treatments was asking me if treatment was still working for me... to which I said yes and gave what I believed to be supporting evidence. However, things have only continued getting worse since that last visit. I'm terrified of being honest with the doctor in fear that he will stop treatment and what might happen if that is what indeed does come of my honesty. What should I do?
I like that you put into words what goes through my mind at the chance of focusing on the good stuff. Thinking im being irresponsible, ignorant that the bad exist , shutting out, acting in a childlike way. It’s just a way of self preservation. Give yourself permission ❤
I have experience being sexually abused in my teenage and young adult years but on the other hand my childhood experience with touch before that was loving. So I’m thankful for that because even when touch scared me, I can tell myself that safe touch exists. So I’ve found a loving partner and I practice asking for loving touch and affection.
Thank you for your care!
Male in my 40's. I have extreme difficulty communicating my physical needs and desires in a romantic/physically active relationship.
After my own trauma, i feel unable to ask for any sort of "special treatment." I tend to find myself sruck in a very giving role.
It's as if i expect to be denied or rejected. Even if it's something simple.
This comment is probably a little too "nsfw" for discussion anyway. Oh well lol
it's interesting how you talk about doing work outside of therapy because my last therapist never told me to do anything. no advice, no homework.
Wish there was time stamps
Yes, a very curious question. At 66 why do I crave something I've never ever experienced?
This was interesting. How does one ask one's question?
This makes me cry. Because now I know why I am the way I am. And the way I am is wrong. ARGH!!
Good morning. Thank you for you time and energy! I hope y'all have a great day.
When my mother got pregnant with my little sister, the adults keep on teasing me that I'll no longer be the favorite AND KID ME TOOK THAT PERSONALLY. Decades later, I still see myself as unworthy of love anymore. I reject it when it come and I get irrationally disgusted by affection and intimacy even though I wanted to feel them too.
Probably the most painful subjects I've come across on this channel.
when I saw this title I was shocked that someone feels the SAME WAY AS MEEEE!!!
I saw an Instagram reel yesterday about what it's like talking with someone with blue eyes. We just get lost in the depth of their eyes. You, Kati, could not be my therapist. Nothing would get done.
At 51 I have not dealt with the my physical and sexual abuse that I received as a child. I was watching the movie fire proof. The opening scene is a domestic violence scene. It was very triggering for me. I didn't realize it is a trigger until that moment. But how can I deal with my past if i can't remember most of it?
Thanks for explaining where the need comes from. I don't have a history of abuse where asking for a hug would be problematic. However, there are unfortunately no loved ones in my life where it would be okay to ask them for hugs. I wish I had a partner I could ask. Any tips?
No one will answer you. This is a neurotic woman's channel. At best they will give you an emoji. Men suffer in silence. Women suffer loud.
Just curious, why have you swapped the channel you post AKA to? It's no big deal, I just didn't see or hear anything about it on the OTDM page. Thx
Kati, for those of us who eat emotionally could the reason we do it be that we are soothed by the vagus nerve stimulation in the same way as babies are? Elaine H.
Physical touch? Sure. At the dentist and the barber. Oh, you mean a hug? Yeah. No.
I think if touch is repellant doesn't necessarily mean there was neglect or abuse because there are also neurodivergent conditions that lead to aversion against touch. Like, some people have sensual overexcitability and intense touch overstimulates the nervous system so they actually need only small touches no big touch.
Hi Katy! I would like to ask, can two insecure people be in a relationship together? My partner’s and mine’s insecurities seem to always be the root of our reoccurring fights. I really don’t want to break up (9 months together), I know we need to fix something in our communication/attachment/expectations, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t know if we can afford couples therapy right now. Any advice would be much appreciated!
I’m the opposite. I like to be touched but don’t like to touch. I was not hugged or cuddled as a child. As an adult I enjoy being hugged by others but it’s not comfortable for me to initiate the touch or hugging of others(even with my husband of 30 years!).
What happened to the song at the beginning?
I don't like people touching me, shaking hands its fine, but hugging, putting hands on shoulders or just hand on the back while speaking, cant stand that i dont like that , it makes me uncomfortable . Never been abused. My family its just not touch affectionate. Can't remember last time i hugged anyone.
How could I ask you a question?
I never know what to write I feel pressure to write a lot down and if I don't I have not been productive so I don't do any of it.
Answer=
That's a good question.
Never think of it.
Because I don't now how to ask for it.
Because we are humans and touching and fisical contact is something innate to humans.
who do I ask.....strangers on teh street ....I don't have anyone to ask...????
I went 9 years without a kiss. When I finally got one, didn't enjoy it. I outgrew desire for physical affection from humans. Since everyone is an avoidant or narcissist, no reason to pursue. Just my cat gives and gets affection. Everyone else can go to hell
Positive random thing: Horses can grow mustaches. Silly and cute.
Mandela effect for me
I was touched by an Angel once.
Pressed charges.
Easy, because it leaves you vulnerable and open to rejection. Don't need forty minutes to explain that.
You are my hero.
I long to have my spouse notice me and put his arm around me.
because a woman expects a man to be able to read her mind
not only that we're supposed to know when no means yes and when yes means no
that's why
This right here is the glaring elephant in the room. I can't believe she didn't address it.
We don’t really expect it. Women are just biologically more communicative and emotional than males are through evolution (as we are the ones to carry children for 9 months. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be designed to carry. Men would be). We tend to say yes to no because women have so much anxiety. Yes, men can also have anxiety. (Obviously) but the nervous system and amygdala are very delicate. Yes means no and no means yes, means that person has terrible anxiety and is probably afraid of the reaction of upsetting someone. Humans aren’t mind readers, we don’t expect that. Some people just tend to think with the Amygdala and not the Prefrontal Cortex lol.
quite right
emotional is feminine (the heart)
logical is masculine (the mind)
After the age of 13 years, all touching ceased. There was an adjustment period. But now, I want nobody to touch me at all. If someone bumps into me, I feel like taking a shower. A disgust comes over me. It feels like a violation. I can not imagine anybody wanting this feeling of discomfort. But, I guess many do like being touched. I keep the pandemic rules going. Stay 2 meters away from me. Do not talk to me, stay away from crowds. I was not talking to anybody before the pandemic. But the 2 meter distance came after. I am not a cat. I require no petting. Stay away from me! Spread your diseases to someone else! Do not talk to me.
Weird
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 Nobody needs to be touched, especially after 13 years of age. That is something for children and small babies. No adult needs touching. I think 13 years of age was a perfect cut-off age for touching. Do you think it was too late an age? I adapted very well, regardless if it was too late an age to stop the human touching. I still adapted to being repulsed by it. Thus, no damage was done.
Finally a video about something similar to what I asked. 🥺😭😭😭😭😭🥲