“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” -Bruce Lee
So very succinct as well. She's explaining complex psychological mechanisms in simplified, engaging ways... at the very least she's covered all we really need to know just to begin the journey of discovery for ourselves and our partners.
I've always told people that sex is more of a psychological rather than a physical experience. If you can capture your partner's mind, you will consistently have good sex with each other
Sex is a physical act. Now whether that act becomes "meaningful" or not is indeed psychological. If you are into your partner and care about them than what follows is invariably more pleasurable for you both. One must learn to derive pleasure not simply from the act = but also from the act of giving pleasure to another. Giving someone you care about pleasure can be a rewarding experience in and of itself irrespective of the physical act of sex. 🤔
It’s weird to me so many people didn’t know this yet when it’s been talked alot about in terms of women, like women need a lot more mental stimulus to get there usually and that it’s a lot more cognitive for women than men but I don’t think that’s true I think it’s cognitive for both women jsut have always taken a back seat when it comes to pleasure and sex and what they want.
@@varyolla435 the actual pleasure is psychological too, if you’re not there in the moment mentally you’re not going to be experiencing pleasure physically. Like if you’re thinking about what to make for dinner instead of the sex.
@@ClaireAKokE Re-read what I wrote. Yes the act is physical. So you can have sex for its physical nature absent caring about your partner. Yet it is also a highly emotional act = meaning psychological. As such deriving psychological fulfillment from pleasuring your partner can add to the physical part of the act. If you care about them then even if the end result is "so-so" physically = you still derive enjoyment from your caring about and being into your partner. Sex is not only about "the bang". So to women. Their inhibition is almost always psychological rather than physical. If they are willing to "let go" and enjoy then there is no reason why they can not achieve orgasm with enough stimulation.
Isn't it weird this word still exists in reference to sex in the 21st Century? Definitely more of an issue in.. cough... certain countries than others.
@@sele4049I agree, there’s nothing weird about talking about sex, and my family’s always been open about it, but I have several friends whose parents never talked to them about sex and I feel that the US’s sex education is extremely lacking (that’s where I’m from). It must be wonderful to live somewhere where there are more open and normalized conversations about sex. Have you seen the show Sex Education? So good.
This lady has taught me more about myself than anyone has. I had the biggest “aha” moment when I read her book. I feel like anyone struggling with desire and libido 100% should read her book
2 things about this video: 1 - She is right. If you rely only to the "spark", you are relying only to whats "new". No relation can last with just what is new. 2 - The more is about internal and less about external, the more intense it is. Trust me, looks will only do the minimal. PS: Example: Even if you are dating an Angelina or a Brad Pitt, their external beauty will be a blank space eventually, and what will truly hold is their character.
I’ve yet to meet a woman that doesn’t want me to already know how to pleasure her. Asking a woman what she likes immediately turns her off you and makes her think you’re less of a man. Every girl I’ve asked that question of has resulted in an argument with them having a go at me telling me I should already know.
@@parus_1671 given the number of women I’ve been with and the huge differences in their backgrounds and personalities in find that difficult to believe. In my experience, and you are right this is only in my experience, women want a man who knows what he’s doing, and the moment you let that illusion slip and admit you might not, their admiration of you declines rapidly, and nothing is a bigger turn off for women than not admiring a man.
Even bacteria engage in sex without a brain. Sex showed up much before a brain was even around. For a human, that phrase does not make sense. Sorry it became your favorite.
Religious Mantis male can continue copulation process after having his head eaten by the female. So.......! Many humans can have sex _without_ a brain!
Im still an adolescent, hearing others talk about sex has always made me feel different because I couldn't relate to spontantious desire, hearing about responsive desire is eye opening, thank you.
I would suggest that part of the compassion she mentions we should show ourselves (7:05) is to explore our own sexual fantasies (accelerator) and also to explore what represses our sexual interests (brakes), all without judgment. The brain really does matter to sex. I am reading her book Come As You Are, and I love that this video elevates important concepts from it. Both are excellent.
This made me feel at ease. I’ve went through a bad breakup about 6 months ago and I’m still fighting to come to terms. Since the breakup my sexual desires feel like they have disappeared and I struggle to get the dude up. With a emotional connection with someone I care about and care for me I hope that desire will return, but I can’t see myself that far ahead.
Ive had problems thinking that my sexual desire is broken, as soon as she explains the responsive desire i felt very related to that. A lot of stress just got out of my mind. Thank you
This makes it seem so very obvious that sex and sexuality education comes with so many positive benefits. And the lack/repression of it comes with so many harmful effects. I wish I grew up in a world where this level of knowledge and understanding was nurtured and cherished. One thing I think would be a good addition to this education would be warning people to not attach too much of their sexual desire on external and changeable things about the people that we want long and loving relationships with. As our bodies change as we age its important to have multiple things that turn us on about our partners so our sexual desire is not left in the cold when something external changes to something that doesn't exactly turn us on. Reminds me of Nat King Cole's song "Don't let your eyes go shopping for your heart." PS. Just picked up your book on Audible after watching this vid. :)
Not to little children. And not to groom innocent children by drag queens. Both of which the dirty left has been trying to do. If your 18, you can do what you want. If your brought up morally you will know what to do. You don’t need this. As these sex educators also are the introducers of perversions.
This is very helpful, thank you! 🙏🏻❤ As a woman, there's soooo so much stress from society about what we should look like. I'm 36 now & had a baby recently. I've always had a "normal" body, but I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to immediately snap back to pre pregnancy body. Def developed a complex about it. I actually look very similar to before I had a baby, but just really hard on myself. My husband & I are getting older, he's a year & half older than me. So this advice is great. I'm very attracted to him & his body has barely changed as well. But the focus needs to be on the INSIDE traits, more. There's so many wonderful things about him & his personality. Since I'm already attracted to him physically, the fact I'm not turned often on means we have to work more, internally. Having a 20 month old means we have to basically schedule sexy time 😆 Funny to experience what I've heard so many parents say, for myself now. There's so many stressors from daily life, that it's hard to "turn off the offs" as the teacher says here. Add in the fact that I take a certain herb for my addiction that dulls sexual arousal. (Trying to counter that effect with another herbal remedy, maca root & shilajit. Seems to be helping! 🙏🏻) Sure, we can get the job done. But I'm so in my head during the act, like I'm taking too long, etc. The brain is *heavily* involved in love making & I have major trauma + adhd, so turning it off & putting too much pressure on the act & finishing makes it almost impossible to finish or enjoy it 🤦🏼♀️ Sex shouldn't be a chore or stressful! I do enjoy sex a lot, but the pressure is where my issue is. Thankfully my husband doesn't pressure me, so it's just a matter of not putting pressure on *myself.* Sorry for the long comment. Writing it out is helping me figure it out for myself 😂 I really appreciate this video & your comment expanding on it! 🙏🏻❤
So true. If your partner is not communicative, many things won't work in your relationship. It's true with desire and sex too. Once the "honey moon" face is over, then is OVER for good if nobody is saying their mind out loud to each other.
This exactly what we should start with when speaking about sexual education, in families & into the public or private education system. Thank you very much for speaking about it, the simple & crystal clear way.
Love learning, got emotional around 8min because I’m getting divorced (after 14 yrs) and the thought of someone caring enough to talk, try, deepen any intimate moment was not in the realm. It brought me a lot of pain, and trauma over the years. It’s over now because of this life choice but it was triggering to hear such a beautiful thought
As someone who starting having sex "later" (23 years old) in life, because of neurodivergence, trauma and the desire to take things slow, this is *everything* about how I approach it! I never understood why people would rush such an important and intense thing. I had make-out sex without genital contact that was a completely life-changing experience. I waited later to have my first genital sex at the right moment and it was really amazing, too! I remember all the people who said their first experience was so awkward and weird because they hard rushed it. I used to be ashamed of being virgin, but now I think I made the right decision to not succumb to peer-pressure. I even had long-distance sex with simultaneous orgasms happening with my current partner...! It's truly unbelievable. I had a lot of conflicts and toxicity in some relationships, but having this natural mindset that this is about the brain first and body second really made my sex life great.
Thanks for your perspective! I think some of us, myself especially, see sex as a hammer and relationships as a nail. I already enjoy sex, but I believe this new person I am with wants sex and because I'm good at it I can make this person like me. I've missed opportunities at relationships early in my adulthood because I didn't pick up on the signs that they wanted sex or didn't act on them because of self esteem issues. I didn't have sex until I was 21. I'm not all that good at other aspects of a relationship so sex is the proverbial hammer. "When all you have is a hammer, everything is a nail."
you're having sex with the wrong people but blaming your trauma for it lol no its not you its the people who think sex is in out n orgasm, stop blaming yourself
Big Think has created some of the most brilliant videos on the internet! I too had some judgements prior to watching because I wasn't sure how this topic was going to be presented, but Dr. Emily did a fantastic job! Kudos to her & Big Think as always!
Communication is always important in a relationship. It did not surprise me that talking about sex and what kind of sex a person likes fosters a mutual understanding of what context creates the most pleasurable experience for both parties.
“Pleasure is the measure”… brilliant and can be applied in other aspects of life as well (to the degree that said pleasure is not detrimental 😅). Thank you, Dr. Nagoski.
Thank you for making this video. I had a traumatic experience a while ago and part of me thought I became asexual because of it. But hearing this it shows me that it's just my brain working to protect me. Hopefully one day I'll be able to create a safe environment for myself again. You gave me hope
Just brilliant. Thank you for speaking about sexuality and sex while focusing on what defines it. Normal is you, and how you want to share and connect is normal... so long as it's mutual. I'm tired of hearing terms like "Deadbed" and "Sexless marriage." Sexual connection is the natural result of a successful relationship, not the "measurement" of a relationship's success. Identify the brakes, and work to support each other. If the only time you touch or kiss is when you want sex, then pretty soon "touching and kissing" becomes a brake. What she shared about context is spot on. Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!! I’m sitting here sobbing because this little clip genuinely and sincerely just changed my entire life. I’m pretty sure it just saved my marriage too. I absolutely cannot even believe the impact this just had on my entire life and will have on my future, I truly believe that!!! I’m getting her book NOW, and ordering one for my partner too!!!
While I listened, I felt like everything she spoke about was obvious. However, thinking back, I'm 40 now and I learned a lot the hard way. For example, before the divorce, my relationship with my ex-husband reached a point where our trust was damaged and I also felt like he was taking advantage of me in several ways and not giving back. I lost all desire for sex. It was obvious to me that I needed the trust repaired before I could feel that desire or arousal again. We went to couples therapy and the therapist essentially told me it was my duty to have sex, even when I didn't want to. I think this is terrible advice. I forced myself to have sex when I didn't want to and even hid my face when I started to cry. The marriage totally fell apart after the counseling, mostly because my ex refused to participate in any of the things he promised he'd do while we were in session with the therapist. Since then, I've learned ALL sex should involve an enthusiastic Yes. Otherwise, please find out what is going on with your partner and do your best to help make the context right for them, if it's in your power.
Really sorry that experience happened to you, especially the therapist part. I’m right there with you in having learned that lesson and it’s better than never. ❤
Oh my gosh, what an awful experience. I'm so sorry you want through that and were failed by that therapist and your partner. I love that you have such a discerning mind to be able to point to why your sex life plummeted as a result.
None of what she said is obvious because all of the written sources online don’t say any of it. All they say is that men should be doing more chores to make their wives want sex, and then they tell wives that they don’t owe anyone sex. No wonder millennials and Gen Z are having less sex. The resources out there are driving us apart and our parents SUCKED at talking to us about sex.
One of the biggest things that helps couples have a phenomenal sexual relationship is being able to be your authentic self with that person. No communication topic is off limits
Thank you Dr. Nagoski. We still have so much to learn about ourselves so know that your research is much appreciated. Best of luck to you for many years to come!
This is a great topic to discuss. Seems like this almost sounds taboo in some way, but I’m glad that somehow we’re raising some sort of awareness around it.
Yes!! Especially with the horrible sex education system in America. Also, understanding that our mental, physical, emotional, and sexual health are ALL connected is so crucial to understand.
Definitely agree with this sentiment a lot. Feel treating sex as a normal human thing that can be expressed in a healthy way would prevent a lot of traumatic experiences.
Sex is really a psychological thing. My ex was totally my type but at some point I stopped enjoying doing it with him. I broke up and it was when I hooked up with a close friend of mine when I realised how much better it feels with Someone you fully trust. My ex was manipulative and too needy, so I was never really able to fully trust him. My body knew about this distrust before I did.
I LOVE this video!! Finally someone who understands and clearly explains that there’s something more to a person’s sexuality than the external stimuli. It’s the person’s perception of others, the context of the moment, the person’s own personal experiences and desires. And working towards intimacy and understanding each other is the first step❤
The statement that desire for it and quality of sex are linked to current state of mind is a great analysis. For myself, when I met my now wife we had a great connection and we're having great sex. During the pandemic I caught Covid and became unwell for a long period of time. I lost any sexual desire and for months after, I lost my Mojo. My wife kept telling me it's normal and I would be ok. I got inside my own head too much, overthinking it. It took a while to try and stop thinking and just be me again, and get my mental confidence back. Once that happened I slowly began to realise that there was nothing wrong with me and she was right. Got my Mojo back now and we having great sex. The flesh follows the mind.
I have had great sex with my wife since the day we met (almost 7 years together). I also am blessed to be in the top 5% of size when it comes to 🍆 as a male which she loved and constantly joked about and bragged about. During Covid I went through a 2 year spell of bad health. Crazy skin infection that was everywhere even inside my ear and nose and on my eyelids as well as every part of my body. I then would have random swelling of my ankles, turns out it most likely was gout. Anyone who knows what that is knows that pain is considered one of the most painful things in the world. I’d go from completely normal to 12 hours later not even letting a sock tough my ankle. Constant pulsing pain. I also started getting heavy nosebleeds frequently, the type to waste half a roll of paper towels. This made me even unhealthier as I was miserable as you can imagine. I then started drinking daily out of pure misery and not knowing what’s going on with my body and why do I have this skin infection for 2 years straight. Nightly whiskey drinking. I’m an athlete so you can imagine how low I felt as I have never felt this unhealthy in my life. Eventually my wife gets a job many states away and I agree to move with her to help her career and because I wasn’t working due to my health (but still did every chore, car work, house duties, dog work, personal weekly favors for her, help her with work, etc). She starts doing well at her new job and my health is finally improving. I finally start beating my skin infection. This makes me so happy that I without any help decide to taper off alcohol. Even she didn’t push me or care that I drank, I just decided on my own one day after seeing my health improve. Started eating healthy again. Nosebleeds decreased and painful gout became more rare. Finally started thinking of going back to work and was soooooooo happy I have finally managed to get out of this dark hole. But that following month I catch my wife having an affair with a coworker. Almost like she wanted me to fall back into bad health. It’s been a brutal month and I can’t stay with a cheater. At one point no one in her family talked to her but my parents and I helped her financially and emotionally and even gave her $7000 when we were moving to help her with furniture. And finally when I’m almost back to 100% she returns the favor like this. Not even sure why I’m ranting but we had everything - great sex, great compatibility, happy marriage, etc and she still did this. Life sometimes just ain’t fair. My only advice is pay attention to the red flags early on in the relationship. Her family drama and her behavior early on were my clues but I figured I could be her hero and change her into a good woman. Sorry for the rant guys had to get that off my chest after reading some comments here.
it’s sounds like the same framework I learned before taking shrooms to have a good trip: set and setting! Set being the internal setting being the external. This was such a clear and brilliant video!
I am 27. Never questioned my sexual desire ever. Thought I was the same as everyone else. I thought that being turned on just looking at someone was all Hollywood bullshit. Only found out by my friends at 26 years old that people do in fact rip each others clothes off in hallways and get passionate immediatley. I was MINDBLOWN! I have not experienced that. And people can say "meet the right person and youll feel heated passion when you look at them" and i just always said, i dont work in that way, i wont know from My genitals, ill know if i feel safe. I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. I can only feel sexual desire when I feel safe and secure with a trustworthy person. And you know what, my intuition and nervous system is very good at wiping out the arseholes before anything intimate so no part of me feels I'm missing out...at all. In fact I feel like I'm winning and I wouldnt change a thing. I broke up with my first boyfriend- we are still best friends to this day, cause he is trustworthy, respectful and we obviously actually liked each other the whole time because sex never complicated things. People also think that if you sleep in the same bed as an ex things would happen, nope, it doesn't, there's no sexual urge or desire on either parts. We are complete utter friends.
No normal man is just “cool” being your best friend after being in a relationship with you especially if it involved sex. Not saying you can’t be cordial and have an understanding with each other because that’s different. But honestly that guy is just hanging around hoping that one day you’ll give it to him again. And I 100% guarantee if you tried to grab his d*ck while you two are laying in the bed “platonically” he wouldn’t stop you and say “hey don’t do that we are just friends” because that’s not how men work. I know because I’m a guy and that’s just the honest truth.
@@elpacoofficial9819 Honestly, I would have agreed with you 6 weeks ago, but my opinion has made a complete 180 2 days ago. My Fwb had sex with someone else 6 weeks ago and that hurt me because I discovered I had fallen in love with her. We had a big fight, with lots of emotions and said that we had to start from scratch again as just friends. 6 weeks later she had sex with that same guy after I had said that I would not like it if she did. Every last bit of feelings I had for her were gone in an instant. I told her that I needed some space and after 2-3 days something dawned upon me: I was scared that I wouldn't find someone as good as her and that's why I kept hoping for her to feel that love spark again that she felt 2 years ago. I had to accept that I really would find someone just as good if not better than her, I just had to do the same things as what made her attracted to me 2 years ago. That moment is what made me set apart our intimacy from our friendship and now we truly are just friends. Since we're both singles, we wouldn't mind having sex, but we both know it's because we're comfortabel with eachother and sex is fun. Not because we love each other. And we also know, that once one of us gets a partner everything will change, but unitl then we'll enjoy our time together.
Finding the smoldering embers with my boyfriend of almost two years is what makes me confident that he is the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. When there's room to grow, that's where things really work. Also, LOVE Emily!!
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Come on!!!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 These are the most honest words young and old couples should be taught about sexual orientation. It's exactly as our body function, we cannot separate physical from mental health because each one is an integral part of our wellbeing, the same happens with sexuality 🤷🏻♀️
i struggled maintaining a sex drive that would match that of my ex partner’s for a long time. and it made me feel guilty or sad that i didn’t have the desire like she did, but i never should’ve felt that way. had i understood something like the dual control model, i would’ve looked inward to see that i was unhappy in the relationship. fortunately through therapy i got there :)
It was like I had no sexual desire with my last relationship, I thought I was asexual. I'm in a new relationship now and want to do it all the time. I didn't realize until I met my new partner that it was bc I was so unhappy in my last relationship
The video is missing the caveat that everybody's accelerator and brake have different sensitivities. There will always be people who want more and less sex than you and that's okay.
Love this video. I had already bought the book before we started going to couples therapy but hearing it explained with energy and enthusiasm makes it resonate even more. Thank you Emily, this is amazing information and great content.
I like what you are saying here! Especially the part about removing brakes. A lot of people want it, but don't dare to act. This comes from the sales principal "You only give up things when the thing you are giving them up for matters more." The reasons not to outweight the possible gain. Like not being labeled a creep matters more than the chance of having read them right and something brewing from that.
And schools or any of our institutions never talk about these single most important things that can turn our lives upside down, or just a lot better. I love her for saying these.
This video makes me think about how much we need effective sex ed in schools. I can't believe how much my teenage life would improve just by having this 9 minute video on it.
As an acespec woman raised evangelical (and therefore as someone whose sex ed amounted to "here's how pregnancy works because your purpose in life is to marry young and have lots of white babies, and no, you don't need to know anything about sex because the boys are learning that from a gym teacher in the next room and that's good enough"), I really appreciated this. I always joke that I've had to learn sexuality as a second language or that I'm colorblind in that range, but this genuinely helped me understand something that the rest of my culture insists I should "just know".
As someone with the same sexual orientation and religious history, I love your term of "learning sexuality as a second language." I'm excited to look into the idea of responsive desire, because I have never related to the concept (and peer pressure) of spontaneous desire.
I was always taught this version of how sex is good and healthy ; never the spark thing 🤷♀️ I’ve always been a responsive person and on the asexual spectrum which I thought was my issue until I had a serious enough relationship that showed me the responsive relationship experience
As a woman this is facts. This is where the truth is at!! But also, sometimes bad sex can't be salvaged if there's no compatibility and it's best to move on to someone new. 😂 I'm glad I have her book, I'll read it.
Wait what? Im positive that even if your partner isn't "the best", it's never a factor that can't improve; you may have missed the point of the video when she says if your GLAD TO BE THERE; meaning you genuinely enjoy your partners company and/or what they bring to the table not physically but mentally. Personality wise. Then you automatically don't worry about if their good or bad at sex since it's something you learn. I may be speaking for myself but i would perfer to teach someone who i honestly have a personal and mentally intimate relationship with, then leave because the sex "is bad". idk something about your comment strikes me as sorta wild and plain out selfish.
A simpler way of putting it is, you are filled with pleasure by other things, none of which related to how good their "sexual creativeness" is... personal opinion i suppose
@@kkurzy6334 Were you responding to someone else or the original poster? If you were replying to the original poster she said sometimes bad sex can't be salvaged if there's no compatibility, meaning the relationship isn't working out all that well.
@@kkurzy6334 - Some people don’t listen to your needs or desires - Some choose to not have good hygiene and don’t wish to change that. - Some men are submissive in bed when your preferences are the opposite - Some people are too emotionally neglectful or straight up mentally abusive. - Some people don’t respect your boundaries during sex - Some people love things you don’t like at all and it’s a chore to experience them. I’ve experienced all these problems in past relationships. There’s many reasons to say next and not try to make it work lol. it’s the reality of interpersonal relationships.
"It's not how often you have sex or who you have sex with it's whether or not you like the sex you're having." Truer words were never spoken around sex.
Thank you for putting this into such a digestible explanation. I love how you explained this so eloquently. I could listen to you for hours. Thank you.
Imagine how much heartache and how many toxic relationships could have been prevented if we simply adopted this more humanist way of thinking and talking about sex instead of retreating into puritanicalism and shame to deal with it. The 50s might not be the gold standard for a toxic social and sexual paradigm if we were just able to talk like this about basic human realities.
Wow! I really liked this. Thank you! This made me feel so calm and curious at the same time. Emily explained all the concepts in a way that were knowledgeable and understandable. Amazing job 🥰
00:02 Challenging the 'desire imperative' and spontaneous sexual desire. 01:10 Sex therapy historically lacked focus on desire in the sexual response model 02:32 Sexual desire can be targeted with specific interventions. 03:41 Sexual arousal is controlled by dual processes of stimulation and inhibition. 04:54 Pleasure depends on context 06:08 Understanding the emotional context of sexual sensation is vital for sustaining a strong connection. 07:16 Developing healthy communication about sex with your partner 08:25 Pleasure is the measure.
She is a Goddess in her field. She also wrote a book called "Burnout" with her twin sister. Both books are a MUST read or listen to! I'm going to college for Psychology and Sexual Science with an emphasis in ADHD. To be a Sex Coach and an ADHD Coach. I also work in an adult store. I've been a Dominatrix as well.
My condolences to the sex partners of the men in the comment section who were so triggered that they started attacking the speaker's appearance; You CAN have an orgasm, but it will never happen with those guys.
Well done. Keeping an open mind is the key to learning and the doorway to minimizing or eliminating biases. If you’re afraid of swimming, you not only must learn the keys to swimming, you must also quell and quiet the fears and biases you are encumbered with to get to a positive outcome. This video and well tempered speaker was freeing and empowering.
As an asexual person, it's good to see more positive information around sex. It helps me to "forgive myself" about the times I forced myself into sexual activities just to please someone I wanted to bond with. Even if I can't feel the same way about those people in my past, I think a good way to move foward those invasive experiences is actually just seing it for what it is: sex. Something that people do, and it's not my fault that I felt pressured to do it. It's over cause it's just natural somehow and it's in my past, even if I hate it.
The aspects she brings up are obviously important, but spark is also important. She touches upon this in talking about "the gas pedal". Though she seems to overlook (at least in this video) how different people's sexuality work. Some people are biased one way or another.
DR. NAGOSKI IS THE SHIT!!!!!!!! What a thrill to see her work here, can't recommend her life changing books more highly. More of this please and thank you :)
This is a super important point. It can explain alot of struggles that men and women often have with their sex lives. I always thought that men in general were more spontaneous in their sexual desire because thats how a lot of men I knew operated. Meanwhile women were the opposite, in that you need to make them feel secure, and connected to really make them feel sexually free with you. but of course as with most things I learn about, and after reading comments I now see that Both men and women can experience both models of either spontaneous arousal, and dual model arousal. For example, alot of men find themselves confused about having Erectile dysfunction which is the opposite of spontaneous arousal. If men would understand that part of their sexual experience is related to desire as in the dual model, they could probably start getting to the root of why their brain is inhibiting that sexual desire. Same goes for women who find they maybe care about a partner but have low libido. Again this is such a good concept that needs to be discussed more to young people so they can understand the sexual and emotional parts of themselves before they find themselves in confusing relationships because of sexual misunderstandings.
i discovered your monthly newsletter in 2022. Been a member of the dairy newsletter since day 1. Became a lifetime member in your new app instantly. You have helped me immensely with your advices and your team, Daniel and Adam are amazing as well! Thank you mister Schwarzenegger!!!
sexual desire, attraction, and arousal get so fucking complicated. thank you fellow asexuals for existing! i don't think these types of societal realizations would come so easily without you ❤️
I never thought about turning off the offs. I’m reminded of a Steven Wright joke about that switch on the wall that doesn’t seem to be connected to anything. Thanks for taking the time to prepare and share this.
I struggled with this too and even tho i learnt that the mind plays a huge role, i still felt bad that i got myself in the right mindself but still didn't experience actual desire. I've had one potential partner, but it was rather a situationship and i didn't know what i actually wanted and they only knew they didn't want emotions, so it was like the worst possible partner for me since my brain could activate the good ol' emotional shutdown reaction and mistrust of other peoples intentions from childhood days again. Learning about the more inner mechanics and the responsive desires is an eye-opener to me, society seems to only focus on the spontaneous desire.
For all the people turbo flaming her for how she looks, what did she say that is actually not true? Have you ever had a partner try to sleep with you whilst you are distracted stressed out your mind? Because that is no fun. Context DOES clearly matter.
Well , a persons attractiveness is the main modulating factor in sexual desire, a person who is deemed by "all the people" to be unattractive will have a very biased experience, and will understand the relationship between sex and other people in a skewed manner, to put it bluntly while she might experience the "spark" for someone else , that feeling will likely not be the same for said person and they will try to find a way to "cope" with their condition , in her? case by saying screw the spark as in that not being the "good" way. Might also have a little bit of confirmation bias because of her position .
"Actually not true": @8:40 she mentions what sex is not about, yet, for many men it is about those things (for women this may be true, yet it is not a universal statement on her part). Some men may feel they are constantly barraged with hate thus any sex with anyone (in particular with sexy women) is acceptable sex. I think this might be why many men prefer doggy. They don't necessarily need to see the face of the person they are with and can possibly think about somebody else and, in a way, mentally be with another woman. The numbers of sex partners (and thus, the number of orgasms) increases male labido in and of itself: The Coolidge effect.
@@healthyquadrant6587 this is one of the most epic self reports I have ever seen. I hope you don’t really think like this. This is exactly what someone who spends too much time on incel/redpill/blackpill forums and watches too much porn would say. Like, copypasta levels. Anyone who thinks like this is drowning in their own irony without realising it. You wouldn’t be “constantly barraged with hate” by women if you took the time and had the open-mindedness to understand and appreciate them. You’d probably have a lot more sex with women too.
The “embers” is basically continuous engagement and interest; an obsession and desire for ones presence. The “spark” in the ignition, or reigniting, of that obsession. There are ups and downs to everything, and to have a continuous desire for someone sexually is uncommon (unless you have some weird parasocial relationship with a celebrity). Those sparks that reignite the interest is simply repetitive actions that speak to you in a completely different language. While embers slowly cool and fade, it needs a spark to reignite. Don’t think “I need to get what I want” to feel sexually gratified. Focus more on “what experience I want to share with my special someone.” One is selfish, boring, and objectifying. You will get bored stealing the ship 24/7. The ladder is a lot more engaging, inclusive and thought provoking, therefore leading to more engagement and excitement. Talking about sex is very important, but don’t be selfish and hesitant to not explore the opportunity of having someone you love and care for to “take care” of you. Because denying that over and over will smother any raging forest inferno, and lead to miscommunication and resentment. This is why sex was seen as a sacred act. Because casual sex fucking sucks unless you have all the power, while the powerless is left feeling used and abused.
When you say it like that you get the feel like it's really worth it to be in long term relationship, but so many people are apsolutly miserable in them. But it's like why would you want anyone else if you're partner is willing to work with you on your relationship it's really priceless but again we are scared of idea that we might be with someone forever i personally felt scared and I don't know why. When I'm thinking about that i really like idea of monogamy i really wish it could happen to me but when it happened i was miserable and scared. Human mind is such a weird thing.
I definitely feel like my biggest break was my own body imageissues not seeing myself as good enough which made me still feel like I couldn’t be comfortable expressing and enjoying pleasure. Society creates a lot of negative ideas about sexuality so letting go of that and focusing on being confident and comfortable on the inside really helped me enjoy sex more. I definitely think for me a large part of it is about the mental more than physical. It’s nice to focus on sex more from a well-being aspect makes it more enjoyable and satisfying
I always said it was a mental stimuli thing. I explained this to somebody and they looked at me like I was crazy. Currently dating a girl I’ve been after for so long. I think I’ve built her up so high that when it finally happened, the “brakes” part hit hard. I couldn’t get it going. So much stress and pressure all at once.
The talk is much better than expected, but I have a few observations/additions: - we refer to it as "the spark" because, you can't get there by just slowly warming up (but once you get a flame going, you can support the "embers" for decades if you do it right) - the accelerator + break metaphor is great! However, I feel everyone has some internal "default" setting on both "pedals" that is very very difficult to change (my "accelerator" is always pressed, and I have to use up willpower to frequently pump the break, but I've met many people whose "breaks" were welded cold to the floor) - there are numerous studies showing that for men satisfaction with their sex lives IS primarily about frequency (while for women about quality)
Great video! As if things were not enough complicated, we still have the facts: 1) People have different needs for sex (i.e.: Frequency); 2) Age affects men/women differently; 3) Cultural and personal history influences. Couples of different cultural background may experience higher challenges to find a common ground. Some people grow up without having much physical contact and tend to be more resistance to it in adulthood (Japanese are famous for that).
“I would rather have smoldering embers than a spark.” Wow, what a truly profound and beautiful way to summarize this video. So educational!
Sparks aren’t meant to last long like smoldering embers
This was my favorite line too! So beautiful ☺️❤️
“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” -Bruce Lee
"Now we are cooking." -me
Ok ji ko
I would genuinely enjoy sitting in a 5 hour lecture listening to her. She’s so passionate and engaging!
Read or listen to her books their life changing.
Get one of her books
So well spoken ahhhhk
So very succinct as well. She's explaining complex psychological mechanisms in simplified, engaging ways... at the very least she's covered all we really need to know just to begin the journey of discovery for ourselves and our partners.
same! i need more big think videos with her, and a whole masterclass really
I've always told people that sex is more of a psychological rather than a physical experience. If you can capture your partner's mind, you will consistently have good sex with each other
Sex is a physical act. Now whether that act becomes "meaningful" or not is indeed psychological. If you are into your partner and care about them than what follows is invariably more pleasurable for you both. One must learn to derive pleasure not simply from the act = but also from the act of giving pleasure to another. Giving someone you care about pleasure can be a rewarding experience in and of itself irrespective of the physical act of sex. 🤔
@@varyolla435 true!!
It’s weird to me so many people didn’t know this yet when it’s been talked alot about in terms of women, like women need a lot more mental stimulus to get there usually and that it’s a lot more cognitive for women than men but I don’t think that’s true I think it’s cognitive for both women jsut have always taken a back seat when it comes to pleasure and sex and what they want.
@@varyolla435 the actual pleasure is psychological too, if you’re not there in the moment mentally you’re not going to be experiencing pleasure physically. Like if you’re thinking about what to make for dinner instead of the sex.
@@ClaireAKokE Re-read what I wrote. Yes the act is physical. So you can have sex for its physical nature absent caring about your partner.
Yet it is also a highly emotional act = meaning psychological. As such deriving psychological fulfillment from pleasuring your partner can add to the physical part of the act. If you care about them then even if the end result is "so-so" physically = you still derive enjoyment from your caring about and being into your partner. Sex is not only about "the bang".
So to women. Their inhibition is almost always psychological rather than physical. If they are willing to "let go" and enjoy then there is no reason why they can not achieve orgasm with enough stimulation.
She is brilliant. I love how she takes away the taboo around sex and makes the conversation loving and collaborative.
Isn't it weird this word still exists in reference to sex in the 21st Century? Definitely more of an issue in.. cough... certain countries than others.
@@sele4049I agree, there’s nothing weird about talking about sex, and my family’s always been open about it, but I have several friends whose parents never talked to them about sex and I feel that the US’s sex education is extremely lacking (that’s where I’m from). It must be wonderful to live somewhere where there are more open and normalized conversations about sex. Have you seen the show Sex Education? So good.
This lady has taught me more about myself than anyone has. I had the biggest “aha” moment when I read her book. I feel like anyone struggling with desire and libido 100% should read her book
What's the book called?
@@mistake.journal1:18
2 things about this video:
1 - She is right. If you rely only to the "spark", you are relying only to whats "new". No relation can last with just what is new.
2 - The more is about internal and less about external, the more intense it is. Trust me, looks will only do the minimal.
PS: Example: Even if you are dating an Angelina or a Brad Pitt, their external beauty will be a blank space eventually, and what will truly hold is their character.
thanks for summarising it
I’ve yet to meet a woman that doesn’t want me to already know how to pleasure her. Asking a woman what she likes immediately turns her off you and makes her think you’re less of a man. Every girl I’ve asked that question of has resulted in an argument with them having a go at me telling me I should already know.
Maybe you’ve somehow attracted only the type of women who think that? As a woman myself I love a man who’s not afraid to ask
@@StoutProper Asking a woman what she wants in what area? There is a context, a time and a place.
@@parus_1671 given the number of women I’ve been with and the huge differences in their backgrounds and personalities in find that difficult to believe. In my experience, and you are right this is only in my experience, women want a man who knows what he’s doing, and the moment you let that illusion slip and admit you might not, their admiration of you declines rapidly, and nothing is a bigger turn off for women than not admiring a man.
“You can’t have sex without a brain” is a new favorite
Me tooxD
Even bacteria engage in sex without a brain. Sex showed up much before a brain was even around. For a human, that phrase does not make sense. Sorry it became your favorite.
Technically true as you can't be alive with one either.
Religious Mantis male can continue copulation process after having his head eaten by the female. So.......!
Many humans can have sex _without_ a brain!
You can't do anything without your brain😂
Im still an adolescent, hearing others talk about sex has always made me feel different because I couldn't relate to spontantious desire, hearing about responsive desire is eye opening, thank you.
Yeah I'm 27 but only learnt that people get spontanious desire last year 🤯🤯🤯 I literally just thought that was the movies
cuz u play rocket league
I'm so glad you're doing your own research and learning on your own! Never stop seeking knowledge on your own terms.
Good for you to understand this ahead of time, that way you'll understand what you're going through when it's time!!! Proud of you!!
I'm just smiling the whole time.
I would suggest that part of the compassion she mentions we should show ourselves (7:05) is to explore our own sexual fantasies (accelerator) and also to explore what represses our sexual interests (brakes), all without judgment. The brain really does matter to sex. I am reading her book Come As You Are, and I love that this video elevates important concepts from it. Both are excellent.
This made me feel at ease. I’ve went through a bad breakup about 6 months ago and I’m still fighting to come to terms. Since the breakup my sexual desires feel like they have disappeared and I struggle to get the dude up. With a emotional connection with someone I care about and care for me I hope that desire will return, but I can’t see myself that far ahead.
Ive had problems thinking that my sexual desire is broken, as soon as she explains the responsive desire i felt very related to that. A lot of stress just got out of my mind. Thank you
This makes it seem so very obvious that sex and sexuality education comes with so many positive benefits. And the lack/repression of it comes with so many harmful effects. I wish I grew up in a world where this level of knowledge and understanding was nurtured and cherished. One thing I think would be a good addition to this education would be warning people to not attach too much of their sexual desire on external and changeable things about the people that we want long and loving relationships with. As our bodies change as we age its important to have multiple things that turn us on about our partners so our sexual desire is not left in the cold when something external changes to something that doesn't exactly turn us on. Reminds me of Nat King Cole's song "Don't let your eyes go shopping for your heart."
PS. Just picked up your book on Audible after watching this vid. :)
An hypersexualized society is a danger and amenable to political control.
Not to little children. And not to groom innocent children by drag queens. Both of which the dirty left has been trying to do. If your 18, you can do what you want. If your brought up morally you will know what to do. You don’t need this. As these sex educators also are the introducers of perversions.
Lies again? LA Liga Good Papi
This is very helpful, thank you! 🙏🏻❤ As a woman, there's soooo so much stress from society about what we should look like. I'm 36 now & had a baby recently. I've always had a "normal" body, but I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to immediately snap back to pre pregnancy body. Def developed a complex about it. I actually look very similar to before I had a baby, but just really hard on myself.
My husband & I are getting older, he's a year & half older than me. So this advice is great. I'm very attracted to him & his body has barely changed as well. But the focus needs to be on the INSIDE traits, more. There's so many wonderful things about him & his personality. Since I'm already attracted to him physically, the fact I'm not turned often on means we have to work more, internally.
Having a 20 month old means we have to basically schedule sexy time 😆 Funny to experience what I've heard so many parents say, for myself now. There's so many stressors from daily life, that it's hard to "turn off the offs" as the teacher says here.
Add in the fact that I take a certain herb for my addiction that dulls sexual arousal. (Trying to counter that effect with another herbal remedy, maca root & shilajit. Seems to be helping! 🙏🏻)
Sure, we can get the job done. But I'm so in my head during the act, like I'm taking too long, etc. The brain is *heavily* involved in love making & I have major trauma + adhd, so turning it off & putting too much pressure on the act & finishing makes it almost impossible to finish or enjoy it 🤦🏼♀️
Sex shouldn't be a chore or stressful! I do enjoy sex a lot, but the pressure is where my issue is. Thankfully my husband doesn't pressure me, so it's just a matter of not putting pressure on *myself.*
Sorry for the long comment. Writing it out is helping me figure it out for myself 😂 I really appreciate this video & your comment expanding on it! 🙏🏻❤
Good take
So true. If your partner is not communicative, many things won't work in your relationship. It's true with desire and sex too.
Once the "honey moon" face is over, then is OVER for good if nobody is saying their mind out loud to each other.
This exactly what we should start with when speaking about sexual education, in families & into the public or private education system.
Thank you very much for speaking about it, the simple & crystal clear way.
Love learning, got emotional around 8min because I’m getting divorced (after 14 yrs) and the thought of someone caring enough to talk, try, deepen any intimate moment was not in the realm. It brought me a lot of pain, and trauma over the years. It’s over now because of this life choice but it was triggering to hear such a beautiful thought
As someone who starting having sex "later" (23 years old) in life, because of neurodivergence, trauma and the desire to take things slow, this is *everything* about how I approach it! I never understood why people would rush such an important and intense thing. I had make-out sex without genital contact that was a completely life-changing experience. I waited later to have my first genital sex at the right moment and it was really amazing, too! I remember all the people who said their first experience was so awkward and weird because they hard rushed it. I used to be ashamed of being virgin, but now I think I made the right decision to not succumb to peer-pressure. I even had long-distance sex with simultaneous orgasms happening with my current partner...! It's truly unbelievable. I had a lot of conflicts and toxicity in some relationships, but having this natural mindset that this is about the brain first and body second really made my sex life great.
Thanks for your perspective! I think some of us, myself especially, see sex as a hammer and relationships as a nail. I already enjoy sex, but I believe this new person I am with wants sex and because I'm good at it I can make this person like me. I've missed opportunities at relationships early in my adulthood because I didn't pick up on the signs that they wanted sex or didn't act on them because of self esteem issues. I didn't have sex until I was 21. I'm not all that good at other aspects of a relationship so sex is the proverbial hammer. "When all you have is a hammer, everything is a nail."
you're having sex with the wrong people but blaming your trauma for it lol no its not you its the people who think sex is in out n orgasm, stop blaming yourself
I got the 'tism too. I lost my virginity at 29. I had trauma too.
I started late for similar reasons too! It’s been an empowering journey thus far. ^_^
I can only envy you. I would keep my virginity if not one "accident" against my will... But I don't think about it anymore
Big Think has created some of the most brilliant videos on the internet! I too had some judgements prior to watching because I wasn't sure how this topic was going to be presented, but Dr. Emily did a fantastic job! Kudos to her & Big Think as always!
Thanks so much, we love to hear it!
This is one of the most intelligent, cogent, informative, and HEALTHY lessons ive ever seen on the topic of sex. Nicely done!
Communication is always important in a relationship. It did not surprise me that talking about sex and what kind of sex a person likes fosters a mutual understanding of what context creates the most pleasurable experience for both parties.
“Pleasure is the measure”… brilliant and can be applied in other aspects of life as well (to the degree that said pleasure is not detrimental 😅). Thank you, Dr. Nagoski.
Thank you for making this video. I had a traumatic experience a while ago and part of me thought I became asexual because of it. But hearing this it shows me that it's just my brain working to protect me. Hopefully one day I'll be able to create a safe environment for myself again. You gave me hope
This is exactly how I feel.
Oh same
😮 no😊 ok
Dont give your future or current soulmate a hard time coz of your past trauma... you'll hurt yourself in the process
@@Kafuggi ????????
Just brilliant. Thank you for speaking about sexuality and sex while focusing on what defines it. Normal is you, and how you want to share and connect is normal... so long as it's mutual. I'm tired of hearing terms like "Deadbed" and "Sexless marriage." Sexual connection is the natural result of a successful relationship, not the "measurement" of a relationship's success. Identify the brakes, and work to support each other. If the only time you touch or kiss is when you want sex, then pretty soon "touching and kissing" becomes a brake. What she shared about context is spot on. Thank you!
This lady is amazing. Congratulations on creating something of real benefit to humanity. I'd say a PHD well spent.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!! I’m sitting here sobbing because this little clip genuinely and sincerely just changed my entire life. I’m pretty sure it just saved my marriage too. I absolutely cannot even believe the impact this just had on my entire life and will have on my future, I truly believe that!!!
I’m getting her book NOW, and ordering one for my partner too!!!
While I listened, I felt like everything she spoke about was obvious. However, thinking back, I'm 40 now and I learned a lot the hard way. For example, before the divorce, my relationship with my ex-husband reached a point where our trust was damaged and I also felt like he was taking advantage of me in several ways and not giving back. I lost all desire for sex. It was obvious to me that I needed the trust repaired before I could feel that desire or arousal again. We went to couples therapy and the therapist essentially told me it was my duty to have sex, even when I didn't want to. I think this is terrible advice. I forced myself to have sex when I didn't want to and even hid my face when I started to cry. The marriage totally fell apart after the counseling, mostly because my ex refused to participate in any of the things he promised he'd do while we were in session with the therapist. Since then, I've learned ALL sex should involve an enthusiastic Yes. Otherwise, please find out what is going on with your partner and do your best to help make the context right for them, if it's in your power.
Really sorry that experience happened to you, especially the therapist part. I’m right there with you in having learned that lesson and it’s better than never. ❤
Oh my gosh, what an awful experience. I'm so sorry you want through that and were failed by that therapist and your partner. I love that you have such a discerning mind to be able to point to why your sex life plummeted as a result.
I am so sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad you’re out of that relationship now 💙
None of what she said is obvious because all of the written sources online don’t say any of it. All they say is that men should be doing more chores to make their wives want sex, and then they tell wives that they don’t owe anyone sex. No wonder millennials and Gen Z are having less sex. The resources out there are driving us apart and our parents SUCKED at talking to us about sex.
One of the biggest things that helps couples have a phenomenal sexual relationship is being able to be your authentic self with that person. No communication topic is off limits
Thank you Dr. Nagoski. We still have so much to learn about ourselves so know that your research is much appreciated. Best of luck to you for many years to come!
This is a great topic to discuss. Seems like this almost sounds taboo in some way, but I’m glad that somehow we’re raising some sort of awareness around it.
Yes!! Especially with the horrible sex education system in America. Also, understanding that our mental, physical, emotional, and sexual health are ALL connected is so crucial to understand.
Definitely agree with this sentiment a lot. Feel treating sex as a normal human thing that can be expressed in a healthy way would prevent a lot of traumatic experiences.
Discussion about sex is the opposite of taboo it is literally everywhere
@MrRocksW Sex is everywhere, yes, but not actually talking about it is. It really matters where you live and how willing people are.
Sex is really a psychological thing. My ex was totally my type but at some point I stopped enjoying doing it with him. I broke up and it was when I hooked up with a close friend of mine when I realised how much better it feels with Someone you fully trust. My ex was manipulative and too needy, so I was never really able to fully trust him. My body knew about this distrust before I did.
I LOVE this video!! Finally someone who understands and clearly explains that there’s something more to a person’s sexuality than the external stimuli. It’s the person’s perception of others, the context of the moment, the person’s own personal experiences and desires. And working towards intimacy and understanding each other is the first step❤
By far, one of the most useful episods of Big Think.
The statement that desire for it and quality of sex are linked to current state of mind is a great analysis. For myself, when I met my now wife we had a great connection and we're having great sex. During the pandemic I caught Covid and became unwell for a long period of time. I lost any sexual desire and for months after, I lost my Mojo. My wife kept telling me it's normal and I would be ok. I got inside my own head too much, overthinking it. It took a while to try and stop thinking and just be me again, and get my mental confidence back. Once that happened I slowly began to realise that there was nothing wrong with me and she was right. Got my Mojo back now and we having great sex. The flesh follows the mind.
Good story and lucky you
A quote that I live by: Where the mind goes, the body follows
Glad you have your Mojo back
I have had great sex with my wife since the day we met (almost 7 years together). I also am blessed to be in the top 5% of size when it comes to 🍆 as a male which she loved and constantly joked about and bragged about. During Covid I went through a 2 year spell of bad health. Crazy skin infection that was everywhere even inside my ear and nose and on my eyelids as well as every part of my body. I then would have random swelling of my ankles, turns out it most likely was gout. Anyone who knows what that is knows that pain is considered one of the most painful things in the world. I’d go from completely normal to 12 hours later not even letting a sock tough my ankle. Constant pulsing pain. I also started getting heavy nosebleeds frequently, the type to waste half a roll of paper towels.
This made me even unhealthier as I was miserable as you can imagine. I then started drinking daily out of pure misery and not knowing what’s going on with my body and why do I have this skin infection for 2 years straight. Nightly whiskey drinking. I’m an athlete so you can imagine how low I felt as I have never felt this unhealthy in my life. Eventually my wife gets a job many states away and I agree to move with her to help her career and because I wasn’t working due to my health (but still did every chore, car work, house duties, dog work, personal weekly favors for her, help her with work, etc).
She starts doing well at her new job and my health is finally improving. I finally start beating my skin infection. This makes me so happy that I without any help decide to taper off alcohol. Even she didn’t push me or care that I drank, I just decided on my own one day after seeing my health improve. Started eating healthy again. Nosebleeds decreased and painful gout became more rare. Finally started thinking of going back to work and was soooooooo happy I have finally managed to get out of this dark hole.
But that following month I catch my wife having an affair with a coworker. Almost like she wanted me to fall back into bad health. It’s been a brutal month and I can’t stay with a cheater. At one point no one in her family talked to her but my parents and I helped her financially and emotionally and even gave her $7000 when we were moving to help her with furniture. And finally when I’m almost back to 100% she returns the favor like this.
Not even sure why I’m ranting but we had everything - great sex, great compatibility, happy marriage, etc and she still did this. Life sometimes just ain’t fair. My only advice is pay attention to the red flags early on in the relationship. Her family drama and her behavior early on were my clues but I figured I could be her hero and change her into a good woman.
Sorry for the rant guys had to get that off my chest after reading some comments here.
Great to hear that!
it’s sounds like the same framework I learned before taking shrooms to have a good trip: set and setting! Set being the internal setting being the external. This was such a clear and brilliant video!
She is so cool! I also love that she does not have to emphasise that she’s a doctor when she introduces herself. This makes her so modest
I am 27. Never questioned my sexual desire ever. Thought I was the same as everyone else. I thought that being turned on just looking at someone was all Hollywood bullshit. Only found out by my friends at 26 years old that people do in fact rip each others clothes off in hallways and get passionate immediatley. I was MINDBLOWN! I have not experienced that. And people can say "meet the right person and youll feel heated passion when you look at them" and i just always said, i dont work in that way, i wont know from
My genitals, ill know if i feel safe. I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. I can only feel sexual desire when I feel safe and secure with a trustworthy person. And you know what, my intuition and nervous system is very good at wiping out the arseholes before anything intimate so no part of me feels I'm missing out...at all. In fact I feel like I'm winning and I wouldnt change a thing. I broke up with my first boyfriend- we are still best friends to this day, cause he is trustworthy, respectful and we obviously actually liked each other the whole time because sex never complicated things. People also think that if you sleep in the same bed as an ex things would happen, nope, it doesn't, there's no sexual urge or desire on either parts. We are complete utter friends.
It sounds interesting to rip each others clothes off in hallways ... May try someday with my hubby.
Please elaborate on this. How were you able to transition into something that platonic.
I've never heard of anyone having spontaneous sexual interactions. Those have always seemed fake as hell to me. I would doubt your friends.
No normal man is just “cool” being your best friend after being in a relationship with you especially if it involved sex. Not saying you can’t be cordial and have an understanding with each other because that’s different. But honestly that guy is just hanging around hoping that one day you’ll give it to him again. And I 100% guarantee if you tried to grab his d*ck while you two are laying in the bed “platonically” he wouldn’t stop you and say “hey don’t do that we are just friends” because that’s not how men work. I know because I’m a guy and that’s just the honest truth.
@@elpacoofficial9819 Honestly, I would have agreed with you 6 weeks ago, but my opinion has made a complete 180 2 days ago. My Fwb had sex with someone else 6 weeks ago and that hurt me because I discovered I had fallen in love with her. We had a big fight, with lots of emotions and said that we had to start from scratch again as just friends. 6 weeks later she had sex with that same guy after I had said that I would not like it if she did. Every last bit of feelings I had for her were gone in an instant. I told her that I needed some space and after 2-3 days something dawned upon me: I was scared that I wouldn't find someone as good as her and that's why I kept hoping for her to feel that love spark again that she felt 2 years ago. I had to accept that I really would find someone just as good if not better than her, I just had to do the same things as what made her attracted to me 2 years ago. That moment is what made me set apart our intimacy from our friendship and now we truly are just friends. Since we're both singles, we wouldn't mind having sex, but we both know it's because we're comfortabel with eachother and sex is fun. Not because we love each other. And we also know, that once one of us gets a partner everything will change, but unitl then we'll enjoy our time together.
Brilliant, comforting, and jam-packed with relatable information. Thank you Dr. Nagoski, I feel a little less broken tonight. 🕊💚
I like this. Solid information, no additional/outside hidden agendas, and it's covered from multiple standpoints
This just goes on to illustrate how important communication with your partner really is for maintaining a healthy long term relationship
This actually made my day a little better especially when she refers to how your feeling and gives examples like tickling connection with your mood 😊
Finding the smoldering embers with my boyfriend of almost two years is what makes me confident that he is the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. When there's room to grow, that's where things really work.
Also, LOVE Emily!!
Come on!!!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 These are the most honest words young and old couples should be taught about sexual orientation.
It's exactly as our body function, we cannot separate physical from mental health because each one is an integral part of our wellbeing, the same happens with sexuality 🤷🏻♀️
"Co-creation of a context in which you and your partners brains can access pleasure''. I'm saving that one...! Wonderful video thank you so much.
i struggled maintaining a sex drive that would match that of my ex partner’s for a long time. and it made me feel guilty or sad that i didn’t have the desire like she did, but i never should’ve felt that way. had i understood something like the dual control model, i would’ve looked inward to see that i was unhappy in the relationship. fortunately through therapy i got there :)
It was like I had no sexual desire with my last relationship, I thought I was asexual. I'm in a new relationship now and want to do it all the time. I didn't realize until I met my new partner that it was bc I was so unhappy in my last relationship
The video is missing the caveat that everybody's accelerator and brake have different sensitivities. There will always be people who want more and less sex than you and that's okay.
Love this video. I had already bought the book before we started going to couples therapy but hearing it explained with energy and enthusiasm makes it resonate even more. Thank you Emily, this is amazing information and great content.
Muted anger and unsolved problems in relationship as a huge nope - she nailed it.
✨responsive desire✨ and so much more wisdom and enlightment compacted into words for 9:25 minutes
She's amazing and absolutely right. Such a smart way to think about your sexuality.
I like what you are saying here!
Especially the part about removing brakes. A lot of people want it, but don't dare to act. This comes from the sales principal "You only give up things when the thing you are giving them up for matters more."
The reasons not to outweight the possible gain. Like not being labeled a creep matters more than the chance of having read them right and something brewing from that.
And schools or any of our institutions never talk about these single most important things that can turn our lives upside down, or just a lot better.
I love her for saying these.
This video makes me think about how much we need effective sex ed in schools. I can't believe how much my teenage life would improve just by having this 9 minute video on it.
Something very magical about hearing "You're not broken." 😢
I've read her book, and I'd definitely recommend it. Incidentally, she writes the way she talks, so it's very personable.
As an acespec woman raised evangelical (and therefore as someone whose sex ed amounted to "here's how pregnancy works because your purpose in life is to marry young and have lots of white babies, and no, you don't need to know anything about sex because the boys are learning that from a gym teacher in the next room and that's good enough"), I really appreciated this. I always joke that I've had to learn sexuality as a second language or that I'm colorblind in that range, but this genuinely helped me understand something that the rest of my culture insists I should "just know".
As someone with the same sexual orientation and religious history, I love your term of "learning sexuality as a second language." I'm excited to look into the idea of responsive desire, because I have never related to the concept (and peer pressure) of spontaneous desire.
Thanks!
Thank you so much!
She should teach all high school health ed classes. Great talk!
I was always taught this version of how sex is good and healthy ; never the spark thing 🤷♀️ I’ve always been a responsive person and on the asexual spectrum which I thought was my issue until I had a serious enough relationship that showed me the responsive relationship experience
As a woman this is facts. This is where the truth is at!! But also, sometimes bad sex can't be salvaged if there's no compatibility and it's best to move on to someone new. 😂
I'm glad I have her book, I'll read it.
Wait what? Im positive that even if your partner isn't "the best", it's never a factor that can't improve; you may have missed the point of the video when she says if your GLAD TO BE THERE; meaning you genuinely enjoy your partners company and/or what they bring to the table not physically but mentally. Personality wise. Then you automatically don't worry about if their good or bad at sex since it's something you learn. I may be speaking for myself but i would perfer to teach someone who i honestly have a personal and mentally intimate relationship with, then leave because the sex "is bad". idk something about your comment strikes me as sorta wild and plain out selfish.
A simpler way of putting it is, you are filled with pleasure by other things, none of which related to how good their "sexual creativeness" is... personal opinion i suppose
@@kkurzy6334 Were you responding to someone else or the original poster? If you were replying to the original poster she said sometimes bad sex can't be salvaged if there's no compatibility, meaning the relationship isn't working out all that well.
@@kkurzy6334
- Some people don’t listen to your needs or desires
- Some choose to not have good hygiene and don’t wish to change that.
- Some men are submissive in bed when your preferences are the opposite
- Some people are too emotionally neglectful or straight up mentally abusive.
- Some people don’t respect your boundaries during sex
- Some people love things you don’t like at all and it’s a chore to experience them.
I’ve experienced all these problems in past relationships. There’s many reasons to say next and not try to make it work lol. it’s the reality of interpersonal relationships.
This vid feels life changing. No joking. Thanks, I was searching for this information for about a decade or so.
She is smart and very open, clear and kind ❤ Thank you.
It’s wild how some
Folks see her hair color and dismiss everything she’s saying
"It's not how often you have sex or who you have sex with it's whether or not you like the sex you're having." Truer words were never spoken around sex.
I am so grateful for finding you! I feel seen and validated and incredibly optimistic about PLEASURE!! 😅
Thank you for putting this into such a digestible explanation. I love how you explained this so eloquently. I could listen to you for hours. Thank you.
Imagine how much heartache and how many toxic relationships could have been prevented if we simply adopted this more humanist way of thinking and talking about sex instead of retreating into puritanicalism and shame to deal with it. The 50s might not be the gold standard for a toxic social and sexual paradigm if we were just able to talk like this about basic human realities.
Seemingly simple concepts related to taboo or difficult topics articulated like this positively transforms my perspective. What a great vid 6:44
Wow! I really liked this. Thank you! This made me feel so calm and curious at the same time. Emily explained all the concepts in a way that were knowledgeable and understandable. Amazing job 🥰
Amazing, passionate, clearly studied a ton of your life to deliver 9 mins of a gem
00:02 Challenging the 'desire imperative' and spontaneous sexual desire.
01:10 Sex therapy historically lacked focus on desire in the sexual response model
02:32 Sexual desire can be targeted with specific interventions.
03:41 Sexual arousal is controlled by dual processes of stimulation and inhibition.
04:54 Pleasure depends on context
06:08 Understanding the emotional context of sexual sensation is vital for sustaining a strong connection.
07:16 Developing healthy communication about sex with your partner
08:25 Pleasure is the measure.
✌️ peace thank you!
This video really helped me to understand myself in a more positive way and took a lot of pressure of myself. Thank you
I thought this was gonna be drivel. My bias nearly got in the way. Good video, thanks.
i see your open-mindeness. I appreciate people like you!
Good self awareness
Yes I'm glad I didn't judge the book by it's cover. Thank you for posting this guys
Fr me too crazy how she looks like a default NPC
@@krishp1104 yikes
She is a Goddess in her field. She also wrote a book called "Burnout" with her twin sister. Both books are a MUST read or listen to!
I'm going to college for Psychology and Sexual Science with an emphasis in ADHD. To be a Sex Coach and an ADHD Coach. I also work in an adult store. I've been a Dominatrix as well.
That's quite a resume. I suspect that you will attract hordes of potential partners, if you're not already doing so.
@@csk062353 I like all kinds of humans. My life is full because I make it so
@@jenniferbates2811 Best of luck on your journey.
@@csk062353 Thank you so much. You as well. 💜
Oh wow what an interesting field!!! I’d definitely love to hear your insights and maybe learn how I can improve as a partner to a person with ADHD.
My condolences to the sex partners of the men in the comment section who were so triggered that they started attacking the speaker's appearance;
You CAN have an orgasm, but it will never happen with those guys.
she gave a very professional presentation here props
Finally, a sex researcher that seems competent to me. Normally, on these types of videos I post a criticism, but not here.
She's awesome! Highly recommend reading her book, Come As You Are.
Well done. Keeping an open mind is the key to learning and the doorway to minimizing or eliminating biases. If you’re afraid of swimming, you not only must learn the keys to swimming, you must also quell and quiet the fears and biases you are encumbered with to get to a positive outcome. This video and well tempered speaker was freeing and empowering.
emily nagoski you will always be famous
As an asexual person, it's good to see more positive information around sex. It helps me to "forgive myself" about the times I forced myself into sexual activities just to please someone I wanted to bond with. Even if I can't feel the same way about those people in my past, I think a good way to move foward those invasive experiences is actually just seing it for what it is: sex. Something that people do, and it's not my fault that I felt pressured to do it. It's over cause it's just natural somehow and it's in my past, even if I hate it.
The aspects she brings up are obviously important, but spark is also important. She touches upon this in talking about "the gas pedal". Though she seems to overlook (at least in this video) how different people's sexuality work. Some people are biased one way or another.
DR. NAGOSKI IS THE SHIT!!!!!!!! What a thrill to see her work here, can't recommend her life changing books more highly. More of this please and thank you :)
This is a super important point. It can explain alot of struggles that men and women often have with their sex lives. I always thought that men in general were more spontaneous in their sexual desire because thats how a lot of men I knew operated. Meanwhile women were the opposite, in that you need to make them feel secure, and connected to really make them feel sexually free with you.
but of course as with most things I learn about, and after reading comments I now see that Both men and women can experience both models of either spontaneous arousal, and dual model arousal.
For example, alot of men find themselves confused about having Erectile dysfunction which is the opposite of spontaneous arousal. If men would understand that part of their sexual experience is related to desire as in the dual model, they could probably start getting to the root of why their brain is inhibiting that sexual desire. Same goes for women who find they maybe care about a partner but have low libido. Again this is such a good concept that needs to be discussed more to young people so they can understand the sexual and emotional parts of themselves before they find themselves in confusing relationships because of sexual misunderstandings.
Point to point explanation on all the basic things related to the sex in a highly rational way with the historical development. Thanks.
i discovered your monthly newsletter in 2022. Been a member of the dairy newsletter since day 1. Became a lifetime member in your new app instantly. You have helped me immensely with your advices and your team, Daniel and Adam are amazing as well! Thank you mister Schwarzenegger!!!
I have HEARD Dr. Emily SO MANY times on podcasts, but never seen her. Love the look, love the vibe!
Y'all need to watch the whole video before commenting
or look for a therapist cause a good amount of them are disgusting
Having the vocabulary to express such things is so helpful. Wonderful video!
sexual desire, attraction, and arousal get so fucking complicated. thank you fellow asexuals for existing! i don't think these types of societal realizations would come so easily without you ❤️
I never thought about turning off the offs. I’m reminded of a Steven Wright joke about that switch on the wall that doesn’t seem to be connected to anything. Thanks for taking the time to prepare and share this.
I struggled with this too and even tho i learnt that the mind plays a huge role, i still felt bad that i got myself in the right mindself but still didn't experience actual desire. I've had one potential partner, but it was rather a situationship and i didn't know what i actually wanted and they only knew they didn't want emotions, so it was like the worst possible partner for me since my brain could activate the good ol' emotional shutdown reaction and mistrust of other peoples intentions from childhood days again. Learning about the more inner mechanics and the responsive desires is an eye-opener to me, society seems to only focus on the spontaneous desire.
For all the people turbo flaming her for how she looks, what did she say that is actually not true? Have you ever had a partner try to sleep with you whilst you are distracted stressed out your mind? Because that is no fun. Context DOES clearly matter.
Well , a persons attractiveness is the main modulating factor in sexual desire, a person who is deemed by "all the people" to be unattractive will have a very biased experience, and will understand the relationship between sex and other people in a skewed manner, to put it bluntly while she might experience the "spark" for someone else , that feeling will likely not be the same for said person and they will try to find a way to "cope" with their condition , in her? case by saying screw the spark as in that not being the "good" way.
Might also have a little bit of confirmation bias because of her position .
@@daminkim-vl8fz i do not get the impression that her research is based on her personal experience.
"Actually not true": @8:40 she mentions what sex is not about, yet, for many men it is about those things (for women this may be true, yet it is not a universal statement on her part). Some men may feel they are constantly barraged with hate thus any sex with anyone (in particular with sexy women) is acceptable sex. I think this might be why many men prefer doggy. They don't necessarily need to see the face of the person they are with and can possibly think about somebody else and, in a way, mentally be with another woman. The numbers of sex partners (and thus, the number of orgasms) increases male labido in and of itself: The Coolidge effect.
@@healthyquadrant6587 this is one of the most epic self reports I have ever seen. I hope you don’t really think like this.
This is exactly what someone who spends too much time on incel/redpill/blackpill forums and watches too much porn would say. Like, copypasta levels.
Anyone who thinks like this is drowning in their own irony without realising it. You wouldn’t be “constantly barraged with hate” by women if you took the time and had the open-mindedness to understand and appreciate them. You’d probably have a lot more sex with women too.
The “embers” is basically continuous engagement and interest; an obsession and desire for ones presence. The “spark” in the ignition, or reigniting, of that obsession. There are ups and downs to everything, and to have a continuous desire for someone sexually is uncommon (unless you have some weird parasocial relationship with a celebrity). Those sparks that reignite the interest is simply repetitive actions that speak to you in a completely different language. While embers slowly cool and fade, it needs a spark to reignite. Don’t think “I need to get what I want” to feel sexually gratified. Focus more on “what experience I want to share with my special someone.” One is selfish, boring, and objectifying. You will get bored stealing the ship 24/7. The ladder is a lot more engaging, inclusive and thought provoking, therefore leading to more engagement and excitement.
Talking about sex is very important, but don’t be selfish and hesitant to not explore the opportunity of having someone you love and care for to “take care” of you. Because denying that over and over will smother any raging forest inferno, and lead to miscommunication and resentment.
This is why sex was seen as a sacred act. Because casual sex fucking sucks unless you have all the power, while the powerless is left feeling used and abused.
Give this woman a prize! Amazing how little one knows
When you say it like that you get the feel like it's really worth it to be in long term relationship, but so many people are apsolutly miserable in them. But it's like why would you want anyone else if you're partner is willing to work with you on your relationship it's really priceless but again we are scared of idea that we might be with someone forever i personally felt scared and I don't know why. When I'm thinking about that i really like idea of monogamy i really wish it could happen to me but when it happened i was miserable and scared. Human mind is such a weird thing.
yes i needed to watch this THANK U pls do more of these we never had these detailed educational info in classes or anywhere else
I definitely feel like my biggest break was my own body imageissues not seeing myself as good enough which made me still feel like I couldn’t be comfortable expressing and enjoying pleasure. Society creates a lot of negative ideas about sexuality so letting go of that and focusing on being confident and comfortable on the inside really helped me enjoy sex more. I definitely think for me a large part of it is about the mental more than physical. It’s nice to focus on sex more from a well-being aspect makes it more enjoyable and satisfying
This makes so much sense, recommend watching the whole thing!
This was outstanding!
I always said it was a mental stimuli thing. I explained this to somebody and they looked at me like I was crazy.
Currently dating a girl I’ve been after for so long. I think I’ve built her up so high that when it finally happened, the “brakes” part hit hard. I couldn’t get it going. So much stress and pressure all at once.
The talk is much better than expected, but I have a few observations/additions:
- we refer to it as "the spark" because, you can't get there by just slowly warming up (but once you get a flame going, you can support the "embers" for decades if you do it right)
- the accelerator + break metaphor is great! However, I feel everyone has some internal "default" setting on both "pedals" that is very very difficult to change (my "accelerator" is always pressed, and I have to use up willpower to frequently pump the break, but I've met many people whose "breaks" were welded cold to the floor)
- there are numerous studies showing that for men satisfaction with their sex lives IS primarily about frequency (while for women about quality)
So glad I watched this (I have never been in any relationship or any type of circumstance where I will experience these kinds of emotions)
Great video! As if things were not enough complicated, we still have the facts: 1) People have different needs for sex (i.e.: Frequency); 2) Age affects men/women differently; 3) Cultural and personal history influences. Couples of different cultural background may experience higher challenges to find a common ground. Some people grow up without having much physical contact and tend to be more resistance to it in adulthood (Japanese are famous for that).