Your timing in posting this is amazing. A few days ago I broke down crying because I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. My body has been with me through my whole life, has supported me through everything, yet I couldn’t even look at myself. I was so sad because my body had never given up on me, yet I hated it. It may not look how I want, but it deserves love regardless. I deserve love at every stage of my transition. I can’t wait to transition from a place of love instead of self hatred! Thank you for posting this :)
STOP ME FUCKING TOO I WAS LITERALLY TORN THE OTHER DAY RETHINKING WHETHER MEDICAL TRANSITION WOULD REALLY BE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR ME OR NOT WHICH LED TO ME FURTHER QUESTIONING WHETHER I TOOK THE LABEL TRANS BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE AS A MAN OR IF I MISTOOK MY BODY DYSMORPHIA AND TRAUMA FROM BEING A GIRL AS GENDER DYSPHORIA. THESE VIDS COME OUT JUST WHEN I NEED THEM
@@r3n_09 For me it helps to reframe transitioning to be something I do out of love rather than out of hate. Say you had a rash on your body that’s painful and uncomfortable. If you love yourself, you would be gentle with the rash and use the appropriate treatment to ease your pain and make it go away. It’s similar with gender dysphoria. I feel 1,000x more comfortable than I used to after socially transitioning. Of course I still want to take hormones and get top surgery, but I do that out of love for my mental well-being rather than out of hate for my body. How we speak to ourselves is important. If medically transitioning improves your quality of life right now, then what does it matter if you change your mind down the road? Even if you decide to detransition in the future, you can still live a fulfilling life. You are in control of your mind and body. Love it and listen to it every step of the way!
Man I needed this video… it’s weirdly perfect timing because I came to a realization after booking my colonoscopy at 23 years old lol. I feel like we got to the same place in opposite ways. I booked my colonoscopy after having a really bad episode of paranoia regarding my health. This was the 3rd or 4th test I did to figure out what was causing some vague symptoms I was having. Towards the end of prep, and the moments in the clinic before I was put under, I had this strange feeling - like I knew I was putting myself through this for no reason - and my health anxiety had spiralled out of control. Later when I was thinking about the whole experience I realized how much I don’t trust my body, and don’t really feel in it. Like I always need to have somebody else see through or inside my body to update me on how it’s doing. Turned out my colon was perfectly normal, but I started theorizing my extreme health anxiety could be related to my feelings of bodily divide. I knew then I needed to stop putting off the work that medical transition takes, and get my self to a place where I don’t feel so separate.
I’ve thought about something like this a lot. I like the way I look! Yet often times I think about what being on T would be like. I consider it and get intrigued by it only to pull myself back and go “wait! But I don’t _dislike_ how I am now necessarily.” And it’s a lot easier to stick with what I know.
Weirdly, I actually wish I didn't like my body. My body is, from a beauty standards perspective, a very nice one. I struggle with the fact there's nothing actually wrong with my body, and yet my dysphoria prevents me from being happy with it. It seems like I either have to accept being miserable and depressed from dysphoria, or take a huge risk by medically transitioning and possibly not feel attractive any more.
I've been thinking about this because I think I was quite pretty before I started transitioning, and I worried that I wouldn't be pretty after. I think people would be less inclined to call me pretty now, but I'm still pretty. The only thing that changed about my face is my cheeks are less prominent pretty much. My nose, eyes, forehead, mouth, all of that is still the same (well, besides the acne, but that's temporary). For me, I see myself as being a pretty boy, maybe not as pretty as I was before when I would dress up and do makeup, but still pretty. Idk if that's helpful at all but I'd be happy to talk more if you'd like.
Arthur actually has a video on this! I think it was titled “it’s okay to want to be hot, actually”. I completely understand how this feels, I feel the same and tbh feel like I was considered more attractive when I presented as a cis girl. However, I remember the dissociation to my own body I felt back when I presented that way and the discomfort, and how I’m just so much happier and confident now that I think it was worth it. And also attractiveness isn’t measured by just appearance! People who are more comfortable and just being themselves are also attractive. I think personality-wise I have gotten more attractive simply because I’m starting to be more comfortable in my body haha, and I find it’s similar with a lot of trans people I know (and also just a personal observation but when I look at people’s transition timelines, usually I feel how attractive someone is typically stays around the same. If it does change it usually only increases after they transition just because of how much happier they seem? (And often people take better care of themselves as well after they feel more comfortable in their bodies)). So all in all I hope this gives you some hope that even if general society *might* (and this is only a might, plenty of hot trans people out there!) perceive you as less attractive, I think simply alleviating all that discomfort is worth it (And also everyone’s definition on what’s attractive can vary wildly and it’s likely there will be people out there who like you for who you are ofc)
I think it might be helpful to you to really examine what feeling attractive in the body you're in now adds to your overall happiness. And I don't mean that in a dismissive way at all. Literally yesterday i wore one of my old tight fitting jeans and was like damn and it really threw me off but then i thought about 1. whether i can identify myself with the conventionally attractive person in the mirror and 2. whether i would feel comfortable partaking in social life as that person. This made me realize that I can look at attractive people literally whenever i want in pictures or on the street as that is what I'm doing when i'm looking in the mirror (weird unintended flex) but i cannot be the person i see in there and be myself at the same time just as much as i couldn't be myself and a pretty woman i see on the street at the same time. Additionally 1. there is always beauty in becoming yourself that other people, especially other trans people, can and will acknowledge and 2. there are a lot of reversible and slow changes on t and you can decide to go off t when you feel uncomfortable with them (this is not an encouragement to not educate oneself on the effects of t).
I am not trans (I'm chubby older out-late cisgay) but have found your videos to be incredibly insightful, and the lessons you have learned, esp w/ learning to love ones body, learning to find the beauty and love in life, and understanding the love and compassion for others, especially when they need assistance, is equally important when addressing ones own body.
I like to put it like this: I wasn’t “born in the wrong body”. This is my body. I am nonbinary so this is a nonbinary body. I like my body. It just needs a few modifications until I can feel comfortable enough in it.
One of the biggest mindset changes I’ve experienced was thinking of my body/myself as a friend. It’s easy to be mean to yourself, but I know personally I would never say the things I used to say to myself to a friend or someone I cared for. When I began defending myself from mean thoughts, caring for myself like I was a friend in need, it shifted something. Highly recommend!
Hey Arthur!!! I got top surgery yesterday i am currently sitting in bed healing with my trex arms.. I am super excited and love how flat it looks already because i unfortunately had a larger chest. So during my consultation for top surgery i was under the impression that I couldn't have lipo and the surgery at the same time based on some of the things the surgeon said and so it was discussed that i could have lipo later on if needed.. yesterday right before surgery i found out that was in fact an option for me and felt crushed because all i could think was the results wont be what i want them to be it wont be perfect and the words you said here really helped me. PERFECT isnt going to mean the same thing for everyone and at the end of the day nothing changed toooo much because lipo was something i had in mind i might need. Now its just more likely. Hey who knows the bandages could come off and it could be fine!! Thanks for being you! You are a breath of fresh air!!!
im a young trans person yet to medically transition and I love my body, even if it's a fussy complicated toddler most of the time. I deal with some chronic pain and a variety of psychological issues too, but I found that unconditionally loving myself and allowing myself to have grace and patience when I'm struggling. It really sucks because I've been in a 'limbo' state for half my life, when I realised I was trans, but couldn't take any real steps to comfort myself dysphoria-wise, since I was a minor. I'm unable to pass for a variety of reasons, and tight money meant not being able to bind safely. Makeup isn't my thing, and it's also expensive, so trying to make myself look more masc that way wouldn't work either. I think I definitely agree with everything you're saying here, but to throw in my two cents, a lot of trans people (youth, especially) can't often take significant steps to dull dysphoria. It's kind of like an unbalanced scale. The dysphoria is a lot heavier than the small weights to try and counteract it. I think the main reason I was angry all the time back then wasn't because I hated my body, but because I was stuck in this bog of inaction due to finances and age. All that being said, any steps you can take to put weight on the scale to counteract dysphoria are good, and can set you up for the future. To any trans youth, calling your gender clinics up now and getting on a childrens waitlist gives you medical proof that medical transition is something you've wanted for a while and isn't an impulse decision (something that we often have to convince our doctors of). Talk to your doctors and GPs about your dysphoria, being trans, wanting to transition, and get them to take notes of that. Find supportive community where you can, online and offline, and do small things like taking 30 minutes with a comforting warm drink. It helps a lot to give yourself small respites when everything seems like it sucks. I was able to get my appointment with the gender clinic moved by about 9 months forward because I had proof I'd been waiting on the childrens one for years before being moved to the adult waitlist. Even if you can't make direct action towards your goals, establishing building blocks for when you can and caring for yourself are really important.
I really appreciate your videos. I've been in a pretty low place waiting for testosterone (it's been 4 years waiting to turn 18) and the gender evaluation/referral process has been really hard, reminding me of a lot of the dysphoria i've repressed just to get through the wait. It's a nice change of pace to see being trans depicted as something that can be positive from an experienced/mature perspective.
I’ve been struggling a lot with this. I keep overthinking this concept a lot. How do you learn to love yourself the way you are while desiring to change your external apperance because it makes you unhappy. I feel really conflicted about it. I feel like I grew up with that message as a kid and it was so ingrained in me that sometimes I feel like do I have self hate lol gender dysphoria is a lot it unpack mentally.
I can relate to this so much, especially when around transness and being mentally unwell there is always this discourse of people hating themselves and while i think that this true for a good portion of people, i think it shouldn't be centered in questions of taking care of yourself. Dysphoria for me seldom is a feeling of self hatred, mostly it's a longing to finally be able to put myself out there as i truly am because i feel that i deserve it, that is accompanied by the exhaustion of getting myself there surrounded by people who do not get trans joy, beauty and experience in general and a system that makes it impossible for me to know when I'll be able to get on t and grow into myself. I think it's a lot to ask of trans people to be patient with themselves, love themselves, care for themselves when it's actually mostly the exhaustion and loneliness trans people feel fighting to be seen for who they are and getting the care they need that leads to not taking care of ourselves in the best way possible or getting angry at ourselves. Often i get stagnant because i cannot give the one i love (my body, my mind) the care it needs. Still think Arthur's video gives me hope and strength but this is a tough conversation.
Thank you so much for this video ❤ as someone who has been chronically ill and searching for answers since childhood, my relationship with my body has been complicated and scary for years. I felt like my body and brain were fighting against me, and I only recently realized I had dysphoria on top of all that. As of 2024, I’ve realized the extent of my transness, got a diagnosis for the rare disease I have, and am finally feeling like I have some answers after a lifetime of vague fear. I finally feel like I can build a loving and trusting relationship with my body, and it feels amazing! Minus all the stuff that still feels bad, but things are looking up 😊
You have the kind of attitude towards your body that would benefit all of us to have. Good advice to develop love or just more love for your body. In my 70s now, and my body is not as nice looking as it once was, and does not work as well in a number of ways as it did when I was younger. But practicing some gratitude and affinity towards the current version of my body does eliminate a lot of whining and contributes to a lot more fun too.
wow this is great timing. Just yesterday I started perseverating on how wide my hips are again. I've always hated them as soon as they started widening in puberty and I still hate them now. My primary reason for going on T was for my fat to redistribute so my hips could go away. I know they won't truly go away because the bones have widened some, but I want them gone as much as possible. I want to have a straight figure like I used to. I've had pretty much all the other changes from T (been on it since Sept 23), my voice has dropped a ton, I have stubble, my acne is awful, and my veins are popping out of my skin, and I absolutely love all of that. But holy crap do I want my fat to redistribute. There's an added layer of frustration for me because I know that burning fat helps it redistribute faster but I have a genetic disease that makes it hard to exercise and do cardio (EDS and POTS). I can exercise but I have to be very careful and go slowly and gradually build up to doing more and can only exercise in very specific ways and it just really sucks. It's funny because as much as I dislike my body for my genetic disease, it's not its fault that its DNA is wrong... all of the cells in my body are doing their best to help me (they're not conscious, but I'm autistic) but I really really really hate this seemingly quite small thing, that my hips are too wide. It pales in comparison to all of actual health issues, but I've had my genetic disease all my life, and I only started having wide hips at puberty, so I suppose that is the most recent change. It's also highly visible and that's what I really hate about it. My disease isn't visible which sometimes sucks because people see me using stuff for disabled people and think I'm stealing from them or something but at the same time, I can choose how I want to be perceived. If I want to be perceived as abled, I usually can do that. If I want to be perceived as struggling physically, there are ways that I can do that too. I want to be perceived as male but I can't just "make that change" with my body. I have to wait. I've been thinking a lot about the question of loving yourself and your body lately, specifically with regards to surgery. I'm afraid that if I get one "cosmetic" surgery, I'll become addicted to surgery, even though I know that won't happen. But there are several things I'd like to change about myself surgically, like top surgery, bottom surgery, something to fix my chin, and maybe lipo around the mons and hip area, and that makes me feel guilty for not loving myself because I want all of these things to change. At one point I was talking about wanting top surgery and someone asked if I hated myself. I answered with "I don't see my boobs as part of myself" which is true, but it did make me wonder about the question of self-love. How can I love my body while so strongly wanting to change it in ways that don't.... necessarily make my body better. I guess in that case, I have to remember that my body is attached to a brain and transitioning helps my brain which in turn helps my body, so it's for the best I suppose, but wow is it easy for me to spiral about my body. I wish I could just cut the excess skin and fat on my hips off. Just chop it off. But I can't. So I'll just sit here and feel bad ig.
Dude your videos have helped me tremendously. I was thinking about this recently. I actually worry about myself more nowadays. After battling a vague eating disorder for most of my life, here I am today no longer interested or even capable of understanding why I did those things to myself. When I came out, I thought I would always hate myself. If it wasn't due to bodily differences, then simply cuz of my sex and what it meant in society. Days are still rough for me because I'm still getting dysphoric around people, but I am not dysphoric in the comfort of my room anymore and I think that has aided me to see myself, feel who I am, love who I am. It feels wrong to love myself, I never have. In my country of origin, I felt so different I often wanted to run away. I couldn't fit in, and when I'd be alone, I'd subconsciously see exactly why. My hatred started so long ago, but it's not here anymore. I want to live a long life. I never predicted such a simple solution to be so powerful on my soul. I am so grateful that I got this chance.
❤❤❤❤THANK YOU! I'm not trans, but I have a lot of trans friends, and this video is a really needed perspective on what it means to have gender dysphoria, and what it doesn't have to mean. I've seen so many terf arguments where they talk about how any sort of trans-affirming healthcare is akin to somehow affirming self-hatred, and I always knew they were missing an important piece of the puzzle, but the way you articulated it was the missing piece! I also have a ridiculous number of gut health problems (ibs gang rise up) and the colonoscopy metaphor was very helpful lol. The whole thing of taking care of your body, instead of taking revenge on it for hurting you is a really cool lens through which to view any sort of physical change one might want to make. thank u
This is so helpful to hear for me right now. I have a host of medical problems to deal with and having just decided that transition is in my future, I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed. I love the way you frame all these medical necessities as self love, because it is! It’s easy to get overwhelmed by it all, but it’s all compassion and tenderness towards oneself. Wishing you resilience and a healthy body
I started T almost a year ago now, and I am finally starting to love my body. I have all these health issues that I (and my parents, when I was underage) have neglected for years, and some that are suddenly appearing. The shift in mindset was huge. I realized my body was doing so many things for me. It keeps me alive and it's changing so much, just the way I've always wanted it to be (nothing specific--I love it more every day, in whatever ways it chooses to adapt to HRT). I love it enough to be in the process of asking for help, which is honestly huge for me. I have trauma though, so I'm not yet brave enough to really access that help. But your video is motivating. Thank you.
I have been feeling... icky... about my body for my entire adult life, but it's been increasing lately (I'm 29 and have been experiencing weight gain). Been quietly identifying as agender for years, but haven't actually done any changes to my life or how I present. Yesterday I started watching FtM content, including yours. I have this dread in the pit of my stomach. Like, I'm terrified of the dentist, alright, and it's the same feeling as when you're terrified of the dentist and you get really bad pain in your wisdom tooth and you just *know* that you *have to* call and get an appointment and have the f-ing tooth pulled out. And it''s terrifying. But it kinda needs to be done, you know? I kind of feel like that now... Also, I'm with you on the colonoscopy prep. Been there, done that, it sucked.
this was definitely a tough watch for me, i think i do understand the sentiment, especially because coming to terms with my gender identity was a mainly euphoric experience at first: i didn't know the place a lot of my anxiety and loneliness came from, therefore i didn't experience "gender dysphoria" in a way i understood, whilst the moment i realized i could be a man was literally the happiest moment in my entire life. the thing is that i feel like i always loved myself and my body (i didn't identify with what i saw but i never really hated it) and i never knew why partaking in the world was so painful for me and now, where i do know, it's like knowing a loved one is suffering and realizing actually all you can do is wait. maybe I'm just cynical because i'm quite isolated at the moment but it's pretty hard to envision myself having a normal life until i'm able to start hrt and that's not the case for every trans person and i'm very privileged to even be able to eventually be on t but self hate is not my problem and it may be a big problem for a lot of trans people but to me it feels a bit misleading centering it in our suffering, especially when it's often an argument used to explain why we should accept how long the process to finally be at home in our body is going to take (often for reasons that are unnecessary). love induces longing and being in a constant state of longing without being told when it's going to end is tough, man. i often times feel like i can't sleep, can't focus and have a real inner resistance against putting myself outthere because there is my suffering beloved i want to tend to and i try as hard as i can but it just isn't enough. so, while i get why this perspective might be very helpful for a lot of people i just needed to get this out there for those who's initial reaction is more of an "how dare you think my suffering has anything to do with a lack of love". simultaneously i strongly believe that i need to get to a point where i'm less obsessed about medically transitioning but at the moment i don't know how to get there yet and i don't think it has anything to do with love. because at last love doesn't equal discipline, patience or practical life skills and sometimes you are simply too exhausted when you're the caretaker and the one in need of care at the same time. i don't want this to be misinterpreted, i really really love your videos and you somehow often manage to calm me down and in general are a beam of light in my trans journey, i just wanted to add my thoughts to the conversation.
Thank you for the perspective. It comes at a good time where I am figuring out I can appreciate my body, both what it does and what has changed, but still want to have and work for more.
This video is so helpful, thank you. I’m trans, but I can’t figure out how to explain it to my mom, so I’m sending her this. She respects it, and tries to understand, but showing her this will be a huge help. Thank you!! ❤❤❤
Thank you for posting this. I have been having a hard time with dysphoria and I had my top consult the other day. I'm so happy the process is moving but I've spent the past couple of days in bed just sad that I have to get surgery at all, and reeling from the dysphoria of being reviewed even though they were super nice and I trust my doctors, they are really good ones and well reviewed by those in my community for surgery. The process of being touched and photographed was very hard for me and it made me feel broken.
Watching your videos is like putting a magnifying glass to my core identity. In this video, you have helped me realize that I embody self care. I felt proud when I got surgery to remove a dysplastic nevus (precancerous mole), and I want to get a tattoo around or next to or involving the scar that resulted. Because that was an act of self care and self love. I embodied self care in that moment. This was not always the case, and in growing as a person, I have learned how to practice self care and self love, and it has NOT been easy, and it will never be easy. But getting that surgery, and getting top surgery in the future will be very easy choices to make, and I want to celebrate every single second of it
Thanks for this Arthur, this was a great watch. I’ve never struggled much with loving my body so I’m always at a loss when I see other trans guys hating on themselves really aggressively. This is more of an online problem since people tend to post more when they’re struggling, but a lot of the time I want to (unhelpfully) reply to vent threads with "have you tried doing something about it?". Being trans is hard, even harder if you’re also marginalized in any other way, and you’ll have barriers in your way for just about everything from work to healthcare including fitness - we all know that. But sometimes it feels like people use that to justify not even trying, which I find equally sad and infuriating.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I really ought to floss more, and perhaps come out to a few more friends so I can talk openly with them. And contact my doctor about that thing I've been putting off for so long...
Arthur you need to stressssss how old you are and reiterate when you transistioned. Through your delay to transistion you managed to put you situation in order.
I’m not sure where I’m can ask questions, but I have a question about how to make guy friends? Example specific to me: He comes in semi regularly with his professor and classmates/friends/etc. hes my age, he has a lot of friends and is pretty friendly to me. Idk know I guess that’s it. I just wanna be friends with him but im not sure how guys initiate friendships. Like is it weird if I add him on Instagram and message him? Like how blunt do I have to be…etc.
Your timing in posting this is amazing. A few days ago I broke down crying because I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. My body has been with me through my whole life, has supported me through everything, yet I couldn’t even look at myself. I was so sad because my body had never given up on me, yet I hated it. It may not look how I want, but it deserves love regardless. I deserve love at every stage of my transition. I can’t wait to transition from a place of love instead of self hatred! Thank you for posting this :)
STOP ME FUCKING TOO I WAS LITERALLY TORN THE OTHER DAY RETHINKING WHETHER MEDICAL TRANSITION WOULD REALLY BE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR ME OR NOT WHICH LED TO ME FURTHER QUESTIONING WHETHER I TOOK THE LABEL TRANS BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE AS A MAN OR IF I MISTOOK MY BODY DYSMORPHIA AND TRAUMA FROM BEING A GIRL AS GENDER DYSPHORIA.
THESE VIDS COME OUT JUST WHEN I NEED THEM
@@r3n_09 For me it helps to reframe transitioning to be something I do out of love rather than out of hate. Say you had a rash on your body that’s painful and uncomfortable. If you love yourself, you would be gentle with the rash and use the appropriate treatment to ease your pain and make it go away. It’s similar with gender dysphoria. I feel 1,000x more comfortable than I used to after socially transitioning. Of course I still want to take hormones and get top surgery, but I do that out of love for my mental well-being rather than out of hate for my body. How we speak to ourselves is important.
If medically transitioning improves your quality of life right now, then what does it matter if you change your mind down the road? Even if you decide to detransition in the future, you can still live a fulfilling life. You are in control of your mind and body. Love it and listen to it every step of the way!
came here to say this lol
@@r3n_09 Holy shit, same
@@adamcitrine9686 we're too good 💪
Man I needed this video… it’s weirdly perfect timing because I came to a realization after booking my colonoscopy at 23 years old lol. I feel like we got to the same place in opposite ways. I booked my colonoscopy after having a really bad episode of paranoia regarding my health. This was the 3rd or 4th test I did to figure out what was causing some vague symptoms I was having. Towards the end of prep, and the moments in the clinic before I was put under, I had this strange feeling - like I knew I was putting myself through this for no reason - and my health anxiety had spiralled out of control. Later when I was thinking about the whole experience I realized how much I don’t trust my body, and don’t really feel in it. Like I always need to have somebody else see through or inside my body to update me on how it’s doing. Turned out my colon was perfectly normal, but I started theorizing my extreme health anxiety could be related to my feelings of bodily divide. I knew then I needed to stop putting off the work that medical transition takes, and get my self to a place where I don’t feel so separate.
I’ve thought about something like this a lot.
I like the way I look! Yet often times I think about what being on T would be like. I consider it and get intrigued by it only to pull myself back and go “wait! But I don’t _dislike_ how I am now necessarily.” And it’s a lot easier to stick with what I know.
Weirdly, I actually wish I didn't like my body. My body is, from a beauty standards perspective, a very nice one. I struggle with the fact there's nothing actually wrong with my body, and yet my dysphoria prevents me from being happy with it. It seems like I either have to accept being miserable and depressed from dysphoria, or take a huge risk by medically transitioning and possibly not feel attractive any more.
I've been thinking about this because I think I was quite pretty before I started transitioning, and I worried that I wouldn't be pretty after. I think people would be less inclined to call me pretty now, but I'm still pretty. The only thing that changed about my face is my cheeks are less prominent pretty much. My nose, eyes, forehead, mouth, all of that is still the same (well, besides the acne, but that's temporary). For me, I see myself as being a pretty boy, maybe not as pretty as I was before when I would dress up and do makeup, but still pretty. Idk if that's helpful at all but I'd be happy to talk more if you'd like.
Arthur actually has a video on this! I think it was titled “it’s okay to want to be hot, actually”. I completely understand how this feels, I feel the same and tbh feel like I was considered more attractive when I presented as a cis girl. However, I remember the dissociation to my own body I felt back when I presented that way and the discomfort, and how I’m just so much happier and confident now that I think it was worth it.
And also attractiveness isn’t measured by just appearance! People who are more comfortable and just being themselves are also attractive. I think personality-wise I have gotten more attractive simply because I’m starting to be more comfortable in my body haha, and I find it’s similar with a lot of trans people I know (and also just a personal observation but when I look at people’s transition timelines, usually I feel how attractive someone is typically stays around the same. If it does change it usually only increases after they transition just because of how much happier they seem? (And often people take better care of themselves as well after they feel more comfortable in their bodies)).
So all in all I hope this gives you some hope that even if general society *might* (and this is only a might, plenty of hot trans people out there!) perceive you as less attractive, I think simply alleviating all that discomfort is worth it (And also everyone’s definition on what’s attractive can vary wildly and it’s likely there will be people out there who like you for who you are ofc)
ur putting way too much stock in how you look and ignoring your heart ❤
I think it might be helpful to you to really examine what feeling attractive in the body you're in now adds to your overall happiness. And I don't mean that in a dismissive way at all. Literally yesterday i wore one of my old tight fitting jeans and was like damn and it really threw me off but then i thought about 1. whether i can identify myself with the conventionally attractive person in the mirror and 2. whether i would feel comfortable partaking in social life as that person. This made me realize that I can look at attractive people literally whenever i want in pictures or on the street as that is what I'm doing when i'm looking in the mirror (weird unintended flex) but i cannot be the person i see in there and be myself at the same time just as much as i couldn't be myself and a pretty woman i see on the street at the same time. Additionally 1. there is always beauty in becoming yourself that other people, especially other trans people, can and will acknowledge and 2. there are a lot of reversible and slow changes on t and you can decide to go off t when you feel uncomfortable with them (this is not an encouragement to not educate oneself on the effects of t).
I am not trans (I'm chubby older out-late cisgay) but have found your videos to be incredibly insightful, and the lessons you have learned, esp w/ learning to love ones body, learning to find the beauty and love in life, and understanding the love and compassion for others, especially when they need assistance, is equally important when addressing ones own body.
I like to put it like this: I wasn’t “born in the wrong body”. This is my body. I am nonbinary so this is a nonbinary body. I like my body. It just needs a few modifications until I can feel comfortable enough in it.
One of the biggest mindset changes I’ve experienced was thinking of my body/myself as a friend. It’s easy to be mean to yourself, but I know personally I would never say the things I used to say to myself to a friend or someone I cared for. When I began defending myself from mean thoughts, caring for myself like I was a friend in need, it shifted something. Highly recommend!
Hey Arthur!!! I got top surgery yesterday i am currently sitting in bed healing with my trex arms.. I am super excited and love how flat it looks already because i unfortunately had a larger chest. So during my consultation for top surgery i was under the impression that I couldn't have lipo and the surgery at the same time based on some of the things the surgeon said and so it was discussed that i could have lipo later on if needed.. yesterday right before surgery i found out that was in fact an option for me and felt crushed because all i could think was the results wont be what i want them to be it wont be perfect and the words you said here really helped me. PERFECT isnt going to mean the same thing for everyone and at the end of the day nothing changed toooo much because lipo was something i had in mind i might need. Now its just more likely. Hey who knows the bandages could come off and it could be fine!! Thanks for being you! You are a breath of fresh air!!!
i am so happy for you 🩷
this is so impactful and so important ❤
im a young trans person yet to medically transition and I love my body, even if it's a fussy complicated toddler most of the time. I deal with some chronic pain and a variety of psychological issues too, but I found that unconditionally loving myself and allowing myself to have grace and patience when I'm struggling. It really sucks because I've been in a 'limbo' state for half my life, when I realised I was trans, but couldn't take any real steps to comfort myself dysphoria-wise, since I was a minor. I'm unable to pass for a variety of reasons, and tight money meant not being able to bind safely. Makeup isn't my thing, and it's also expensive, so trying to make myself look more masc that way wouldn't work either. I think I definitely agree with everything you're saying here, but to throw in my two cents, a lot of trans people (youth, especially) can't often take significant steps to dull dysphoria. It's kind of like an unbalanced scale. The dysphoria is a lot heavier than the small weights to try and counteract it. I think the main reason I was angry all the time back then wasn't because I hated my body, but because I was stuck in this bog of inaction due to finances and age. All that being said, any steps you can take to put weight on the scale to counteract dysphoria are good, and can set you up for the future.
To any trans youth, calling your gender clinics up now and getting on a childrens waitlist gives you medical proof that medical transition is something you've wanted for a while and isn't an impulse decision (something that we often have to convince our doctors of).
Talk to your doctors and GPs about your dysphoria, being trans, wanting to transition, and get them to take notes of that.
Find supportive community where you can, online and offline, and do small things like taking 30 minutes with a comforting warm drink. It helps a lot to give yourself small respites when everything seems like it sucks.
I was able to get my appointment with the gender clinic moved by about 9 months forward because I had proof I'd been waiting on the childrens one for years before being moved to the adult waitlist. Even if you can't make direct action towards your goals, establishing building blocks for when you can and caring for yourself are really important.
This is really good,but what can we do when we can't come out to our parents.We won't be able to be in any waitlist then
"bog of inaction" has now been added to my vocabulary thx
I really appreciate your videos. I've been in a pretty low place waiting for testosterone (it's been 4 years waiting to turn 18) and the gender evaluation/referral process has been really hard, reminding me of a lot of the dysphoria i've repressed just to get through the wait. It's a nice change of pace to see being trans depicted as something that can be positive from an experienced/mature perspective.
I love you for posting this. Thank you!
I’ve been struggling a lot with this. I keep overthinking this concept a lot. How do you learn to love yourself the way you are while desiring to change your external apperance because it makes you unhappy. I feel really conflicted about it. I feel like I grew up with that message as a kid and it was so ingrained in me that sometimes I feel like do I have self hate lol gender dysphoria is a lot it unpack mentally.
I can relate to this so much, especially when around transness and being mentally unwell there is always this discourse of people hating themselves and while i think that this true for a good portion of people, i think it shouldn't be centered in questions of taking care of yourself. Dysphoria for me seldom is a feeling of self hatred, mostly it's a longing to finally be able to put myself out there as i truly am because i feel that i deserve it, that is accompanied by the exhaustion of getting myself there surrounded by people who do not get trans joy, beauty and experience in general and a system that makes it impossible for me to know when I'll be able to get on t and grow into myself. I think it's a lot to ask of trans people to be patient with themselves, love themselves, care for themselves when it's actually mostly the exhaustion and loneliness trans people feel fighting to be seen for who they are and getting the care they need that leads to not taking care of ourselves in the best way possible or getting angry at ourselves. Often i get stagnant because i cannot give the one i love (my body, my mind) the care it needs. Still think Arthur's video gives me hope and strength but this is a tough conversation.
I have hashimoto's too. It makes me feel like I can't work out and can't make myself pass better
Thank you so much for this video ❤ as someone who has been chronically ill and searching for answers since childhood, my relationship with my body has been complicated and scary for years. I felt like my body and brain were fighting against me, and I only recently realized I had dysphoria on top of all that. As of 2024, I’ve realized the extent of my transness, got a diagnosis for the rare disease I have, and am finally feeling like I have some answers after a lifetime of vague fear. I finally feel like I can build a loving and trusting relationship with my body, and it feels amazing! Minus all the stuff that still feels bad, but things are looking up 😊
You have the kind of attitude towards your body that would benefit all of us to have. Good advice to develop love or just more love for your body. In my 70s now, and my body is not as nice looking as it once was, and does not work as well in a number of ways as it did when I was younger. But practicing some gratitude and affinity towards the current version of my body does eliminate a lot of whining and contributes to a lot more fun too.
i feel like every time you upload a new video it comes at the perfect time for me and my experience in transition. thank you for all your wisdom :-)
wow this is great timing. Just yesterday I started perseverating on how wide my hips are again. I've always hated them as soon as they started widening in puberty and I still hate them now. My primary reason for going on T was for my fat to redistribute so my hips could go away. I know they won't truly go away because the bones have widened some, but I want them gone as much as possible. I want to have a straight figure like I used to. I've had pretty much all the other changes from T (been on it since Sept 23), my voice has dropped a ton, I have stubble, my acne is awful, and my veins are popping out of my skin, and I absolutely love all of that. But holy crap do I want my fat to redistribute. There's an added layer of frustration for me because I know that burning fat helps it redistribute faster but I have a genetic disease that makes it hard to exercise and do cardio (EDS and POTS). I can exercise but I have to be very careful and go slowly and gradually build up to doing more and can only exercise in very specific ways and it just really sucks. It's funny because as much as I dislike my body for my genetic disease, it's not its fault that its DNA is wrong... all of the cells in my body are doing their best to help me (they're not conscious, but I'm autistic) but I really really really hate this seemingly quite small thing, that my hips are too wide. It pales in comparison to all of actual health issues, but I've had my genetic disease all my life, and I only started having wide hips at puberty, so I suppose that is the most recent change. It's also highly visible and that's what I really hate about it. My disease isn't visible which sometimes sucks because people see me using stuff for disabled people and think I'm stealing from them or something but at the same time, I can choose how I want to be perceived. If I want to be perceived as abled, I usually can do that. If I want to be perceived as struggling physically, there are ways that I can do that too. I want to be perceived as male but I can't just "make that change" with my body. I have to wait.
I've been thinking a lot about the question of loving yourself and your body lately, specifically with regards to surgery. I'm afraid that if I get one "cosmetic" surgery, I'll become addicted to surgery, even though I know that won't happen. But there are several things I'd like to change about myself surgically, like top surgery, bottom surgery, something to fix my chin, and maybe lipo around the mons and hip area, and that makes me feel guilty for not loving myself because I want all of these things to change. At one point I was talking about wanting top surgery and someone asked if I hated myself. I answered with "I don't see my boobs as part of myself" which is true, but it did make me wonder about the question of self-love. How can I love my body while so strongly wanting to change it in ways that don't.... necessarily make my body better. I guess in that case, I have to remember that my body is attached to a brain and transitioning helps my brain which in turn helps my body, so it's for the best I suppose, but wow is it easy for me to spiral about my body. I wish I could just cut the excess skin and fat on my hips off. Just chop it off. But I can't. So I'll just sit here and feel bad ig.
Great message 🙏
Dude your videos have helped me tremendously. I was thinking about this recently. I actually worry about myself more nowadays. After battling a vague eating disorder for most of my life, here I am today no longer interested or even capable of understanding why I did those things to myself. When I came out, I thought I would always hate myself. If it wasn't due to bodily differences, then simply cuz of my sex and what it meant in society. Days are still rough for me because I'm still getting dysphoric around people, but I am not dysphoric in the comfort of my room anymore and I think that has aided me to see myself, feel who I am, love who I am. It feels wrong to love myself, I never have. In my country of origin, I felt so different I often wanted to run away. I couldn't fit in, and when I'd be alone, I'd subconsciously see exactly why. My hatred started so long ago, but it's not here anymore. I want to live a long life. I never predicted such a simple solution to be so powerful on my soul. I am so grateful that I got this chance.
❤❤❤❤THANK YOU! I'm not trans, but I have a lot of trans friends, and this video is a really needed perspective on what it means to have gender dysphoria, and what it doesn't have to mean. I've seen so many terf arguments where they talk about how any sort of trans-affirming healthcare is akin to somehow affirming self-hatred, and I always knew they were missing an important piece of the puzzle, but the way you articulated it was the missing piece! I also have a ridiculous number of gut health problems (ibs gang rise up) and the colonoscopy metaphor was very helpful lol. The whole thing of taking care of your body, instead of taking revenge on it for hurting you is a really cool lens through which to view any sort of physical change one might want to make. thank u
This was a great reinforcement for me to stay working on my body acceptance and love. Its really hard but forever worth it.
This is so helpful to hear for me right now. I have a host of medical problems to deal with and having just decided that transition is in my future, I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed. I love the way you frame all these medical necessities as self love, because it is! It’s easy to get overwhelmed by it all, but it’s all compassion and tenderness towards oneself. Wishing you resilience and a healthy body
anddd this is why we love Arthur, he teaches us how to love ourselves. thank you sm bro
This is one of the most wholesome videos I remember watching in recent time. Thank you so much. Such a great and important message.
I started T almost a year ago now, and I am finally starting to love my body. I have all these health issues that I (and my parents, when I was underage) have neglected for years, and some that are suddenly appearing. The shift in mindset was huge. I realized my body was doing so many things for me. It keeps me alive and it's changing so much, just the way I've always wanted it to be (nothing specific--I love it more every day, in whatever ways it chooses to adapt to HRT).
I love it enough to be in the process of asking for help, which is honestly huge for me. I have trauma though, so I'm not yet brave enough to really access that help. But your video is motivating. Thank you.
I have been feeling... icky... about my body for my entire adult life, but it's been increasing lately (I'm 29 and have been experiencing weight gain). Been quietly identifying as agender for years, but haven't actually done any changes to my life or how I present. Yesterday I started watching FtM content, including yours. I have this dread in the pit of my stomach. Like, I'm terrified of the dentist, alright, and it's the same feeling as when you're terrified of the dentist and you get really bad pain in your wisdom tooth and you just *know* that you *have to* call and get an appointment and have the f-ing tooth pulled out. And it''s terrifying. But it kinda needs to be done, you know? I kind of feel like that now...
Also, I'm with you on the colonoscopy prep. Been there, done that, it sucked.
this was definitely a tough watch for me, i think i do understand the sentiment, especially because coming to terms with my gender identity was a mainly euphoric experience at first: i didn't know the place a lot of my anxiety and loneliness came from, therefore i didn't experience "gender dysphoria" in a way i understood, whilst the moment i realized i could be a man was literally the happiest moment in my entire life.
the thing is that i feel like i always loved myself and my body (i didn't identify with what i saw but i never really hated it) and i never knew why partaking in the world was so painful for me and now, where i do know, it's like knowing a loved one is suffering and realizing actually all you can do is wait. maybe I'm just cynical because i'm quite isolated at the moment but it's pretty hard to envision myself having a normal life until i'm able to start hrt and that's not the case for every trans person and i'm very privileged to even be able to eventually be on t but self hate is not my problem and it may be a big problem for a lot of trans people but to me it feels a bit misleading centering it in our suffering, especially when it's often an argument used to explain why we should accept how long the process to finally be at home in our body is going to take (often for reasons that are unnecessary). love induces longing and being in a constant state of longing without being told when it's going to end is tough, man. i often times feel like i can't sleep, can't focus and have a real inner resistance against putting myself outthere because there is my suffering beloved i want to tend to and i try as hard as i can but it just isn't enough. so, while i get why this perspective might be very helpful for a lot of people i just needed to get this out there for those who's initial reaction is more of an "how dare you think my suffering has anything to do with a lack of love". simultaneously i strongly believe that i need to get to a point where i'm less obsessed about medically transitioning but at the moment i don't know how to get there yet and i don't think it has anything to do with love. because at last love doesn't equal discipline, patience or practical life skills and sometimes you are simply too exhausted when you're the caretaker and the one in need of care at the same time. i don't want this to be misinterpreted, i really really love your videos and you somehow often manage to calm me down and in general are a beam of light in my trans journey, i just wanted to add my thoughts to the conversation.
Thank you for the perspective. It comes at a good time where I am figuring out I can appreciate my body, both what it does and what has changed, but still want to have and work for more.
This video is so helpful, thank you. I’m trans, but I can’t figure out how to explain it to my mom, so I’m sending her this. She respects it, and tries to understand, but showing her this will be a huge help. Thank you!! ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for sharing this !
Thank you for posting this. I have been having a hard time with dysphoria and I had my top consult the other day. I'm so happy the process is moving but I've spent the past couple of days in bed just sad that I have to get surgery at all, and reeling from the dysphoria of being reviewed even though they were super nice and I trust my doctors, they are really good ones and well reviewed by those in my community for surgery. The process of being touched and photographed was very hard for me and it made me feel broken.
Your videos always leave me with a refreshing feeling of hope and peace.
I love how you talk in your videos about things you've personally experienced. it feels so authentic. another great video!! tysm Arthur :)
Watching your videos is like putting a magnifying glass to my core identity. In this video, you have helped me realize that I embody self care. I felt proud when I got surgery to remove a dysplastic nevus (precancerous mole), and I want to get a tattoo around or next to or involving the scar that resulted. Because that was an act of self care and self love. I embodied self care in that moment. This was not always the case, and in growing as a person, I have learned how to practice self care and self love, and it has NOT been easy, and it will never be easy. But getting that surgery, and getting top surgery in the future will be very easy choices to make, and I want to celebrate every single second of it
you have no idea how much i needed to hear this rn
Thank you Arthur, just what I needed ❤🙏🏼
after watching your top surgery videos you seem very well adjusted and accepting and able to articulate so much
Beautiful, thank you for posting
Thanks for this Arthur, this was a great watch. I’ve never struggled much with loving my body so I’m always at a loss when I see other trans guys hating on themselves really aggressively. This is more of an online problem since people tend to post more when they’re struggling, but a lot of the time I want to (unhelpfully) reply to vent threads with "have you tried doing something about it?".
Being trans is hard, even harder if you’re also marginalized in any other way, and you’ll have barriers in your way for just about everything from work to healthcare including fitness - we all know that. But sometimes it feels like people use that to justify not even trying, which I find equally sad and infuriating.
Thank you for this.
this was a lovely, lovely video, thank you arthur!
Thank you so much for this
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I really ought to floss more, and perhaps come out to a few more friends so I can talk openly with them. And contact my doctor about that thing I've been putting off for so long...
Bodies are miracles and if you're reading this I hope you're having a good day 😽
great video! just wondering what’s your workout routine
this is awesome
tahnks a lot for the moment of reflection. Its nice hearing it from someone older and relatig to the thought process
❤😢😊😮❤
Nice video 💞 I hope I get to this place of self love too
I have hashimotos too and it seems kinda more prevalent I think in queer and trans community - at least it seems that way to me
🔥
slayyyyyyy
Great freudian slip at 2:48
(I'm so so sorry D:)
You remind me of Robert Pattinson.
Rad 🙂
Hi to you and to your partner to and how are the both of you doing by robert
Arthur you need to stressssss how old you are and reiterate when you transistioned. Through your delay to transistion you managed to put you situation in order.
I’m not sure where I’m can ask questions, but I have a question about how to make guy friends?
Example specific to me: He comes in semi regularly with his professor and classmates/friends/etc. hes my age, he has a lot of friends and is pretty friendly to me. Idk know I guess that’s it. I just wanna be friends with him but im not sure how guys initiate friendships. Like is it weird if I add him on Instagram and message him? Like how blunt do I have to be…etc.
Your videos are always so hard hitting and influential. Supported both logically and emotionally 🩷