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You're not Overly Emotional, You're Emotionally Dysregulated 🌟
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
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Learning that my emotions are in fact able to be controlled with these strategies changed my life! I no longer feel out of control, I can now feel my feelings in a way that is healthy and productive. Wild thought right?
How has emotional dysregulation hurt you in the past? How does my Florida trip compare LOL
🌿 Join me in my mental wellness programs under $20:
hayley-honeyma...
00:00-01:53 Introduction
01:53-03:03 Surfshark
03:03-03:41 Hayley is a baby
03:41-04:27 Definition of Emotional Dysregulation
04:27-05:43 Emotional Dysregulation & Neurodivergence
05:43-05:53 Professional Support
05:53-07:35 Florida Fiasco
07:35-09:05 Step 1 is SPACE
09:05-11:01 Step 2 is IDENTIFICATION
11:01-13:57 Step 3 is REGULATING
13:57-14:43 Recap
14:43-15:33 Outro
![Baby Kia - WYG (feat. LAZER DIM 700) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/avlLsOH_oJc/mqdefault.jpg)
“It’s science, you’re Not a bad person.” THIS. 💜
SUCH an important realization!
Yeah but what about “when they do bad stuff first I reacted in the way of dysregulation”. Jerky people can definitely traumatise people!!!
i’ve actually found that working at a daycare helps me figure out ways to self regulate! we teach our toddlers lots of ways to feel their feelings safely (punching pillows, yelling im mad, etc). If I’m feeling disregulated, i ask myself what I would tell a screaming 2 year old :) not all of us learned these skills then
Exactly!! I just started working at an afterschool program and my class of 2-3rd graders help me observe and learn so much. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship lol 🤓
I was told I was an emotional wonderbag and I should go to my room and sort it out alone. Now that my three children are autistic+ADHD I tell them that their emotions are ok. I am at their side without annoying or talking to them when flipping out emotionally. I stay close by, outside the room or a few meters away, quiet and calm until they calm down. Not leaving.
You are incredible! We need more parents like you in this world 💛
Yeah see that's what I need. Don't leave me. Help me.
Thank you so much Hayley. I was always told (still am) that it’s because I’m not mature enough to have an “adult conversation” without having these intense emotions. I was once told that I cry in order to manipulate the situation and make my parents guilty. No it’s because I literally cannot stop myself from crying. What is worse is that sometimes I didn’t know how to tell them that I need a moment to breathe. So I would show them clear signs to leave me alone. I’d back away or walk slowly backwards towards my room, (I would never slam my door on them) but once I was in my room, they would follow me and trap me there and force me to continue the conversation.
Honestly, I feel this so much, but it also depends on the situation too. I've had conversations with family that I'd get very annoyed and frustrated with without knowing how to properly handle it and since I'm old enough to drive, instead of continuing the conversation, I would literally just leave the house and we would just drop the topic at hand due to my own emotions and how I respond to the topic at hand.
I've gone in my room with some situations when I literally just want to be left alone-my mom has followed me and I'd tell her like "Hey please leave me alone," and she rarely ever would. Ex: If you don't leave me alone after the 1st time I ask you, if it comes around to the 3rd time of me asking that = Bad Idea otherwise you're getting screamed at. Like I said, ut really depends on the situation though. I've been thru it all before which is literally yelling, screaming, punching pillows, throwing pencils/pens I don't care about at the wall-I think I did manage to break a pen once.
I know I need to find a way to get retested for whatever I might have, but it's more unfortunate and even harder when say one doesn't get diagnosed with ADHD for example later until adulthood despite some of the same behaviors they had as a child transferring over into their adult life-and I feel like most of us don't realize this until it's pointed out to us, but then I am aware that some of us feel like we're getting criticized for some of our behaviors when we literally can't help it and this most likely has more to do with our own emotions/emotional dysregulation and/or anxiety for some of us.
@@cicicave1279 I try to say "I'am angry/sad, I need to be alone for 5-10 minutes to calm down. After I've calmed down we can talk about it. But I need to calm down first, cause in anger I will say mean things and overreact." to the person that usually works. Or "I am having a day where I feel my emotions to intenst/beeing very emotional today, and I need to remove myself from the situation (go out, go in a different room to be alone) to sort things out so I don't over-react."
I found that to work for me personally, so that people will leave me alone and not follow me. My mom is a choleric person who get's incredibly angry within seconds if something isn't the way she wants she shouts and gets incredibly mean. The only thing that worked on her was to tell her that she is behaving like a todler having a tantrum, and that if she behaves like a todler/child I will treat her like one. When a kid is having a tantrum it's best to just wait it out (no screaming, no shouting, not talking unless it's calm words- is what I learned) but I will say I go to a different room and when she has calmed down she can come to me and then we can talk. Or I say
That I understand she is angry or frustrated but that I don't want her to let her anger out on me.
I don't know if that works for you, but for me it did.
@@LuminetheoneandHOLY Honestly, idk how or why but I do understand everything you said. But for me personally, it's a whole lot harder to put it to use. I've been given advice before, but it takes me brain longer to process let alone utilize the advice I've been given. Also, what is choleric? I've never heard of that before where my mom's said the same thing about me having "tantrums" as an adult, but there are some situations that I can't help feel both angry/upset about.
I love how Hayley uses the word "Regulate," over the word "Control." I've been asked multiple times if I have ADHD due to most coffee/caffeine content putting me to sleep, I was once told I had and then I asked about sugar and was informed "it's just another stimulant." Sugar keeps me awake while caffeine puts me to sleep, lol. I've had my brother tell me multiple times: "you can Learn to control your anger." Based off the videos I've watched who have ADHD esp. when it comes to emotional disregulation-they've mentioned similar things, but due to how our brains are wired (for those who are ADHD for example)-we literally cannot control it at all. And I think that's exactly where so many kids/teens/young adults alike who have it struggle with their family members b/c they tell them "no you can learn to control it,"-actually, no we can't control the way they think we can. Yes, we can learn methods on how to manage our emotions better, but we cannot literally nor phyiscally control them.
Also, I try my best not to show my emotions too much at work, but I've noticed I can get a tad "annoyed" (for lack of a better word). That's more so when my anxiety starts coming up which doesn't help anything tbh. I didn't know this until years later where apparently, I was actually diagnosed with "General Anxiety Disorder," when I was 14. I thought it wasn't until later that I developed that if that makes sense.
Im a cry baby too and no i dont want to cry or cry infront of people, and i have just been told to be matured and reign it in or just don't be manipulative
“Overly emotional”, “Overreacting”, ”too sensitive”, “Stop being a drama queen”… All of these ducking sucks!
Especially when there is a valid reason!
The reaction might be something that you can/should work on but the feelings are always valid.
Yes. Mine is anger. And...my mom is a narcissist. And I was the scapegoat. On top of ADHD I got blamed for everything. And when I was having a disregulated emotion, she would just scream at me and tell me I shouldn't have....the emotion. That there was no reason to feel the way I did. (And that I was just supposed to accept her treatment of me) Yeah.
Same. I get angry really easily. I usually only cry when I’m super frustrated. It’s like a breaking point. And I can’t control myself. But the anger stays with me for so long when I get angry and I hate it.
Yup. They were and are still clueless. But we are here and they are well… THERE. 😊 it's not perfect but we can learn and love ourselves now.
I often start crying when I see someone else cry (regardless if it's on tv or IRL). I've had occasions when people have been offended when I start crying by seeing them cry because they think I'm trying to steal the show, when really, I just feel their pain so hard that I can't hold it in.
Whoops, I have to save this video for another time, because I cannot watch it without crying. Just wanted to say that my emotions too always come out as crying. Whether it be sadness or anger, it makes me cry. I don't think I've really been called too emotional (because even from the time I was seven years old it embarrassed me and I learned to hide it), but I have been called (and felt) overly sensitive. I had one therapist tell me, "I think there's something sacred about your tears," and I just found it so frustrating because no, crying has never been a cleansing release for me. It's a sign that I'm stuck in an emotion I have no control over.
Yes same! My frustration tears are not comforting or relieving, they are here because sth crossed my emotional or sensory boundaries and I'm in overwhelm/meltdown.
My family often crossed my boundaries when I was young or was not able to help with my (basic) needs. So I got in angry rage often. But that wasn't accepted, I was heard even less despite getting louder and louder. I was told to calm down, and didn't receive any empathy or help or understanding for my frustration. I learned my anger is of no use, people won't listen to me, my boundaries are of no use, I'm no worth to be respected and I'm not safe or protected or loved. I hated to be in rage mode, it was exhausting, so as a teen I started to turn the anger to myself and developed borderline behaviour.
Even after going no contact, I'm still puzzled how my family is not able to handle/respect emotions and don't understand what damage that can make. They still think they are 'better' or more 'sane' for not showing their emotions and repelling me with mine.
@ninanano2777 I am sorry that you never got the support you needed- me too- same thing. I actually got sat on and taunted by both my mother and brother as an infant so I feel you. ❤
Trying to emotionally regulate myself while also emotionally regulating/supporting my kids is HARD AF!
"Am I gonna cry?
*pauses to evaluate
"Stop it"
That is such a mood! 🤣I do that all the time
That makes me want to give you a hug. 🫂
I've gotten fired for this, can't show emotions at work (been told "leave your emotions at the door" soooo many times), and can't take a break as needed for emotional dysregulation. Thanks for reminding me my brain soup is different and that's okay!
wow your taking that really well, i had to keave my job because of adhd too, it sucks :c
As a neurotypical parent of a child with adhd, your videos really help me, thank you so much and I can't wait to see this
GIRL I FEEL SO SEEN. I WILL CRY ALWAYS
I wanna share what I feel when I'm emotionally disregulated so maybe someone can better understand what they feel when it happens to them. I cry, always cry. I hate crying so I don't talk because it will make me cry. Even if it didn’t, its so hard to talk when upset, I hate it. Some warning signs for me are: I get a weird tingling sensation in my nose, almost like I got water up it, and I feel an empty, sinking feeling in my stomach/heart. I stim a lot, like a lot, an attempt to calm down. Back to the 'I dont talk' part, it can take up to 20 minutes to get anything outta me when I'm like this, I have a million things to say in my head but they never come out. I know its irritating when I sit there silently, but nothing comes out. I almost want to be someone who blows up everything when upset, because then I'd at least be saying how I feel, but I just shut down. Thanks for the video, Hayley, sending it to my mum so she can better understand me and my brother, who I think also has this❤
Oof, this hits close to home, but in a way that's kind of relieving I guess. The functional muteness that comes with a proclivity for tears is something I've never heard anyone talk about before. Being unable to talk because I know it'll make me cry is the main reason I never asked questions in math or computer classes growing up, despite constantly needing/wanting to. It was SO infuriating and suffocating. Often I didn't even feel upset, it was just an involuntary automatic response after years of EXTREMELY CONSISTENT bitter letdowns and embarrassment. If I had the AUDACITY to try to power through it the emotions would take that as an invitation to *assault* me for real (and assault is really the only word that fully encompasses what was going on here) and I'd not only STILL be unable to get the words out through the tears and thick throat and voice wobbling and "What's wrong?"s, but I'd also have humiliated myself in front of the whole class AND be unable to think or function for the rest of the day. It was like being beaten and then held at knifepoint at the edge of a cliff for eight hours.
My own brain brutally, cruelly, repeatedly, PERSISTENTLY! punishing me for trying to do something GOOD and HEALTHY.
I have very little need for math these days, and have learned more about computers in like a year of fiddling around and watching tutorials than I did in my entire school career, but I'm still angry about how thoroughly UNABLE I was to power through this problem to any extent and how little headway my years and years of effort and persistence and attempts at optimism yielded to that end. What a deeply frustrating symptom.
Feeling angry and sad in such explosions for all of my life was and is such a crippling problem when it surfaces. Seeing this video today was enough to just make me smile and happy cry that I’m not just a bad person for being like that. Partners, friends and family alike had hard times with me saying I was “too emotional” and just needed to stop being “dramatic”. The feelings just were as strong as a freight train on full speed with no real brakes to press on. Hearing you explain it in this video just made me feel seen. I can’t thank you enough for this. If I could extend a big hug through the screen for a heartfelt thank you, I would!
12:50 about anger. I Feel as though it isn't just women who are taught that anger shouldn't be felt. Speaking from experience. It's more than that. Lots of times it's people that have outbursts from emotional dysregulation that have been taught this way.
Just for the intro.
I have had all of that, but entirely internal, screaming at someone while being nearly silent outside.
At worst a zoned out face (a common sight for anything) or curt responses.
I really need this video. 😅
I feel a lot of shame all of the time. I don't know how to regulate that, because it also feels like I'm jumping between sad and angry and full of shame.
Thank you for providing the space to make me realise what is going on in me.
Hayley, thank you for your videos. I feel very seen by your insights and shared experiences. I was diagnosed ADHD at 14 and just found out this year (at 32) that I’m also Autistic. And it explains so, so, so much about my childhood and life and struggles and relationships. I resonate a lot with so much of what you describe in your shorts and here. I’ve been rejected so many times throughout my life for being “too intense”/“too much.” I’ve so often been told to “just calm down” and to “stop being so sensitive.” It’s helpful to know we’re not alone.
I am relating to both but in the books it seems to look almost identical- I am still learning but wish I could see the spacific distinctions between the two.
How are you so mature? You are my age, and people sometimes call me wise, but I don't think know anyone as young as you and so wellinformed, reflected, conscious and self-secure. ( I do realise that doesnt mean you don't still struggle sometimes mentally and this is only the part you show online publicly, but still, this part of you exists). I am happy I found your videos. They give helpful advice, are positive while still being honest and vulnerable and I learn a lot from you.
shes rich for a start...
Hayley, I want to thank you for your channel so so much. I actually feel like I could cry a little right now myself. I'm 45 now. When I was a child. Teacher's saw a boy who couldn't pay attention and suddenly I was diagnosed with ADHD. Fast forward through life and for a very large portion of my life I nearly forgot I had ADHD because I did not identify with the stereotype of men with ADHD as I understood it. BUT that didn't mean life was easy, far from it. Until recently, when I began watching women (like you) describe their ADHD experiences on RUclips. Time and time again when I watch you talk about your ADHD struggles, I'm like "THAT's ME!!!" I've always been embarrassed about crying over some commercial or getting frustrated to the point of cussing over a password reset. its always been like so hard to control. and sometimes I don't even know its coming and suddenly I'm there. Thank you for making me realizing I have nothing to be ashamed of and that I DO in fact have ADHD and its not all in my head and I can get support.,
"Am I going to Cry? -Stop it."
Pretty sure thats Trauma too >.>
My son has sensory processing disorder and when he was young I discovered two things that helped him calm down and regulate his emotions: drinking from a straw and eating something crunchy. I think those two things helped due to his specific sensory deficits though.
Thank you for this. 100% my experience as well. I am going to put this into practice; usually when I’m emotionally disregulated, especially if the emotion involves someone else, I lean in and fight harder. Like I want them to FIX THIS NOW. Which literally never works and always makes me feel terrible afterwards, aaaand now I know why. Thank you for this terminology and strategies. You’re doing good in the world!
Thank you so much for your videos Hayley! I might have been on a bit of a binge watch of all of your videos recently, but I've truly never felt more seen or represented by anyone ever, and I love learning new tips on how to regulate my ADHD, because you're truly helping me so much right now! I can't wait to watch more of your videos, and I hope you know how appreciated you are ☺
(Also, I know)
You are so lovely! So glad this is a safe space for you to land 💛 (also I’m so glad you know)
"i know"
you’re like my adhd inner voice’s human version. I’ve never related to a adhd content creators stuff more than you
Yes, the "Identification" step has taken me a long, long time to recognize. There's only a split sec between "I'm in neutral, as far as I know" and whoosh into rage and flooded brain. Getting to where I can catch and pause the process is still a work in progress, though much better. Patience and self- forgiveness help. Great video, really clear and helpful!!
I cried. Thank you! I've always been told that it's not that bad, that's nothing to cry about, you're too old to cry and I stopped mostly. Aggression was much more accepted as it's strong.
I feel so understood now as I'm learning to feel what is there instead of what should be felt 🥹
Im so glad you feel more understood 💛 sending you so much love as you continue your journey!
For me, I was damned if I did express my emotions. But I was damned if I didn’t express my emotions. I wasn’t allowed to express, but I wasn’t allowed to hide it and keep it to myself. I still limit myself from showing emotions. I limit myself from crying. I find that my weighted blanket helps me a lot. Music also helps me too. Whether I’m listening to my favorite songs, playing music, or even singing. Lately, I’ve been using singing as a way to communicate my feelings, and as a way of regulating. My favorite sensory items and equipment also help me a lot.
I got some incredible imposter syndrome from my diagnosis even though it was professionally done. Then you bring up the place where I got diagnosed as a scientific reference, so that feels a bit better hahah
Edit: I discovered yesterday when I got mad while driving is that a good scream is amazing. I didn’t plan it, it just happened but it got all the frustration out in one quick burst. 10/10 recommend.
Thank you! As someone who is much more on the anger end, I hate it but haven't been able to fully stop it, even after 49 years. Your suggestions are so practical and adaptable, I can't tell you how much I appreciate them, and you for sharing. Don't ever doubt you are helping people every day!
It's worth noting that strong emotions can also be one of the GIFTS of ADHD.I cry more readily than some people, but I'm also moved to tears by the sheer beauty of the world & people's capacity for kindness.🌈😃More emotionally expressive people can lift us up with their contagious happiness or excitement, or galvanize others to action about injustice. It's only DYSregulation when it's causing problems, and ALL humans get dysregulated sometimes.❤🩹
thats so bullshit
adhd is a disabilty
Throughout my teenage years my mum would insist on talking things through until I screamed at her to get out of my room because I couldn't handle her right now. I was always the quiet but somewhat difficult child, and I'm really happy that now I'm in my 30's I'm learning how to deal with it all properly, and to heal the relationship with my mum. I thought it was me for the longest time, but I have recently worked out that it was her not knowing how to handle me. Heavy stuff, but we're getting there 😊
This helped me feel seen so much. When I feel this way I cry which I was always told was too much. My mom grew up in a house that portrayed any emotions as wrong, unless it was anger. So her emotional dysregulation is often shown as anger. Ultimately when we both went through hard times our emotional dysregulation flipped. I became the angry one and she couldn't stop crying. It has been interesting to watch this especially as a psychology major. As time has gone on and we both explored antidepressants at different times we both came back to our intial response. As a nanny I have learned to teach my kiddos to openly discuss their feelings as they feel them which has helped me a lot personally. There are often times where I will get that rush of emotion and look at my partner and just say "I'm going to cry now" or "I feel sad". Your video really helped me to connect to the next step of what to do next. All of that to say, thank you for your content not only as a newly diagnosed ADHDer but just as a human that has found support in your videos.
So tough trying to enjoy moments that should be great and feeling completely unregulated. For me it’s such a fine line between feeling totally fine and then wham nope.
I have experienced a lot, but I wasn't embarrassed. Anger, yes, too many times.
"And, a beautiful women - ahh💋👌- I'm gay"
Girl, I felt that. And you're so funny.
I'd say that frustration is my dominant emotion...I guess it really is just a different type of anger!
Oh friend, I had me a whole emotional mess moment yesterday that I definitely labeled as "Frustration". I angry cried, or at least that's always what I've called it , and couldn't stop myself from just being upset. This video definitely explains some things. Thanks for making these :)
True true. When you're in the moment and falling off the cliff, it's usually harder to come back.
Regulators mount up 🎉
This is amazing! I have childhood trauma, been going to therapy for years and just received my ADHD diagnosis this week. Your videos have been so helpful to me, thank you thank you thank you ❤
You went to therapy for years and they didnt carch you have adhd?? Bro, they so incompetent
@@soirema My current therapist (been seeing him for 2.5 years) still doesn't fully believe the (official!) ADHD diagnosis and tries to blame all my psychological issues on C-PTSD. Even though I felt a huge relief after being diagnosed since the C-PTSD diagnosis alone hadn't explained all the other problems I've had in my life, he stil doesn't seem convinced and tries to find some deeper meaning behind my frequent moments of forgetfulness, executive dysfunction or jumping thoughts. I should also note that I have worked through most of my trauma symptoms such as hypervigilance, constant people pleasing and being under constant attack by my inner critic. So I spent the last months in therapy confused as to why "all the other stuff", my ADHD symptoms, didn't also get that much better through therapy.
But nevertheless, after all this time in therapy and my new diagnosis, I know myself much better now. I finally understand my mind, the shame that has been so heavy has subsided and I know what is best for me in this life. And no doubting professional can ever take that away from me.
This makes me feel better in that I actually was doing this but didn't realize why. ❤ I would remove myself from situations when I would feel off but I had no idea what was going on.
You're doing important , healing work x
! I had no idea how much I needed this. Thank you Hayley for creating such a safe and non judgmental space. I’ve never felt so seen, validated, and not-alone.
I love this sooo much!!! I have been really working on the balance. As a teenager and young adult I used to just explode when my boundaries were crossed or I felt disrespected. This was before my ADHD diagnosis. I got out of a fairly turbulent marriage and my 2nd marriage (still not diagnosed yet) I completely shut my anger down and would internalize it and somehow... magically (not really, it's called self sabotage) turn it inward, blame myself and cry for long periods of time. Now, single, having been diagnosed for the last 7 years and having a child with autism and ADHD, I am living in a much more sounds state... but I still am working on the emotional regulation bit of it all. Watching this makes me realize how much I needed to watch this. Thank you
What if taking space to regulate would cause severe financial disaster and a child to feel abandoned? It’s also a question if privileges. I can just advice from my experience: creating micro-spaces helps a bit. 1 minute here, 3 minutes there. Learning together with small child to regulate instead if trying to hide from child (doesn’t work anyway, they feel you), while still holding a safe space for child.
I can't believe how much I needed this video right now. I am AudDHD and my meds are in limbo as I figure out the insurance plan of my new job. I feel UNTETHERED. I was crying and screaming yesterday over absolutely nothing. This is so reassuring. Thank you.
Oh Lord! "I've never had an original experience in my life!" That whole opening sequence was so accurate for me it was frightening. It kind of summed up what I felt left with after diagnosis a year ago at 54.
Welp, I didn't plan on CRYING today! But THANKS! haha
Well it turns out that I too have never had an original experience. Thank you for the read hehe I desperately needed it! 🙏
I love how you tell people to not just take your word for things. I think that's realy important. Eve though what you're saying is probably exactly right, directing people to discuss things with a doctor is fantastic and increases people's awareness of bad online advice from others. Love your videos, they are really helpful :)
For me I only can calm down and continue tough convos in my bed with the lights low. Sometimes switching from A good cry to a good scream into the pillow is good..let out the inner roar! And carry on..
Holy sh*t Hayley I cannot stress how much I needed this right now 😭 thank you xxx
Hi Hayley, a recently diagnosed ASD & ADHD female here. I have been walking around for decades wondering why I struggled so hard compared to friends and peers to emotionally regulate. I am slowly learning all these things are neurodivergent traits and wow. Drs want to medicate because I’m currently really disordered. In the meantime, as we unravel a life of masking and hiding, social faux pas…I’m loving watching you and getting these tips. Thank you. 🤩
Very helpful video, got diagnosed with adhd at 30 and trying to figure this out while managing a job + life in general is a real treat haha. But this made it easier!
this made me cry, thank you
i just found this channel and i almost immediately subscribed, its so comforting to hear people go through the same thing as me and theres people that understand it
I know.... Thank you for doing these videos, for be vaulnerable and open to us. So much stuff I wish I had known sooner after being diagnosed. My hyper focus often returns to watching videos like this and learning all I can about ADHD, mental health, etc. The applying it is the super difficult part. XD
I’ve definitely used the bath many, many times to try and regulate whenever I’ve been anxious or stressed out. But I find that all of my not-fun emotions become anxiety. Sadness, anger, even exhaustion. Everything either starts as anxiety and becomes something else, or starts as something else and becomes anxiety. My energy has also been fluctuating like CRAZY the past week, but I’m waiting until this part of my cycle passes to see if it regulates afterward.
Hayley, thank you so so much for this video. In my previous relationship I was super emotionally dysregulated. My partner would do hurtful things but my emotional response would then become the problem. I can now forgive myself and understand I wasn’t being a bad person, and that is a huge weight off my chest. Thank you!
Thank you for this video! It really resonates with me. I’ve had people telling me I’m too emotional and too sensitive my whole life and I struggle a lot with this exact issue
This happened to me this weekend. I literally went from seething anger to crying and it lasted for 2 hours 😂 thanks for this.
Love saving these videos for the perfect moment they’re needed. Thanks a billion Hayley!!!
over the years my ability to handle my emotions has actually gotten worse because of the trauma being constantly invalidated caused me. now i feel like i need to repress my emotions as much as possible because they are such an inconvenience to people. i think that's the core of my shame regarding my big emotions. they were treated as a constant inconvenience so now i do everything possible not to feel Big emotions. and if i do, i can never allow others to see them because that feels too vulnerable to criticism. sadly, because i was always judged and dissuaded from working through my Big emotions, now even "positive" emotions like big H happiness are too overwhelming for me to not repress. (i have genuinely experienced moments where i felt a bubbling sense of insane happiness and joi de vivre and repressed it because they felt so big and unmanageable that they scared me.)
i always related my emotions to my adolescence because that's when they were the most overt (and therefore the most reprimanded for having them) which in turn made me associate emotional dysregulation (which i didn't have a name for at the time) with childishness and immaturity. i learned to shut down and not feel safe expressing my emotions which now makes it really hard to feel safe being myself around people at all.
I'm dealing with childhood trauma - the sources are mostly a non-diagnosed bi-polar mother, an avoidant/absent father, an avoidant sibling, and another undiagnosed family member, a sibling. As I heal, I feel like there's more to my story, but I am unsure what it is: High Sensitivity? ADHD? Autism? Maybe it's JUST childhood trauma and anxiety from that? Something in between, or combined? I don't know.
But Hayley, I am grateful for your example - I resonate with a lot of your content, which I discovered only a short time ago. I will move forward, attempting to regulate and heal further in my life. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there.
As soon as you said "We were all in the same room together for a couple days." I remembered my moments of dysregulation 🫂💕 you were just a kid, and an undiagnosed one, give yourself grace and thank you for sharing your life with all of us ♥️
Came into my room and played this video while I did some stretching to regulate some anger...yes, thankfully, you are in my brain right now 😊
The ‘wee little girl’ took me out 🤣🤣👏🏾
Wow🤯 thank you!
I think I may be using music to self regulate🤔 sometimes I need some sad songs to help me let myself cry, or I need some angrier music to kinda be a friend that understands how I feel, and sometimes I don't always have the option of going somewhere else to be alone for a while because I'm stuck in a long car ride with the person who I desperately need a break from, or they insist on trying to follow me when I try to get some space, or circumstances like an important deadline mean that I need to be in the same room with whoever is setting me off because that's where the stuff is that needs to be done, and whenever one of these is the case I will usually use headphones (maybe with the sound up too loud, especially if the person setting me off is still trying to talk to me) and just pretend that they aren't there. They may claim that I am being immature by giving them the silent treatment, but trying to find space away from them mentally when I can't get space away from them physically is not being immature, trying to self regulate in another way so that I don't wind up throwing things at them out of anger is not being immature, them trying to tell me what I think, or how I feel is gaslighting, them claiming that anything that I feel that they don't understand is a lie is gaslighting, and if I have tried to be real and honest with them as many times as I have and they still aren't even trying to understand me then me doing my best to completely ignore them and pretend like they aren't even there; is actually me being very mature in accepting that they are unwilling to try to understand, and unwilling to change.
Well its validating to know that being sent to my room or 'the corner' for every little thing WAS actually the trauma I thought it was. Like I STILL have memories of certain things that got me in trouble and when I ask my parents why they did that...they don't even remember.
As an oft emotionally dysregulated ADHD haver who is married to an oft emotionally dysregulated human of nondescript diagnosis, AND as an AVID enjoyer of your content, I both appreciate this deeply AND take slight issue with it.
The fact is that the culture we exist within does not view brazen emotionality as a healthy reaction. Thusly, however wrongminded the culture is, the person on the other end of that emotional dysregulation is FAR too often considered problematic. Because of that, people very naturally and very understandably set their defenses high in the presence of emotional outbursts.
If we are going to tell people to take a neutral or even positive stance on outbursts of emotions that don't fit the situation, we MUST also be telling people to take at least a neutral stance on the person who "caused" (or seems to have caused) that emotional outburst. You can't fix the problem you experienced with your parents just by telling people not to supress emotions... you have to also tell the world that sometimes the people in your parent's position are not villains in the situation. That wall of anxiety and defensiveness and stress will otherwise remain, never addressed, and will continue to drive a rift between emotional people and their peers. Which, as we all know, just creates more emotional situations and, thusly, more defensiveness and judgement.
It's not always people who cause emotional outbursts. I don't think that I actually understand what you're saying. I think taking a more neutral stance would give emotional people a better chance of having quality of life.
Just after the first 2 minutes I already have to say: thank you!!! I love this ❤ you explained some key things there for me
Girl, you make me feel so SEEN. 😭❤️
literally the exact content I’ve been looking for 😂❤
Im autistic and adhd. And my emotions are all over the place plus i'm misreading my boyfriend so often and im also confused and an emotional mess all the time. Yay🎉
Thank you, this explains so much of my emotional experience. I thought I was broken for so long
this was an AMAZING video. thank you so much!
My no 1 emotion is definitely anger. I do have one problem tho - when I am emotionally disregulated and angry, I don't necessarily want to remove myself from that situation. Like I know it sounds sort of bad XD but somethings inside me WANTS other people to know that I'm angry or sad or just not okay. That seems like an even bigger challenge
I'm gonna have to come back to this video after I better learn how to name the feelings I'm feeling (if I can even tell I'm feeling them before I blow up). Low interoception problems.
the NICHE SPECIFIC MOVIE IS SO REAL I LITERALLY DID THAT YESTERDAY , rewatched that very specific movie i had watched when i was a little younger
I was labeled emotionally disturbed in school. The school professionals missed my possible adhd/ autism and excused it with other explanations including me copying my younger brother who lives with autism for attention. Now I know different and can better explain it to others.
I am late diagnosed AuDHD and it’s part of the reason I’m getting divorced. My soon to be ex has never been supportive of my diagnosis or my issues with emotional dysregulation, and I’ve never felt comfortable exploring ways to regulate myself because of internalized ableism with a sprinkling of trauma. Maybe I’ll get a punching pillow and name it after him 😂
You are amazing lol I just found your channel & I'm loving it so far. Thanks for sharing your own experiences!
Yay!! Welcome to the Neurodiverse Nook :)
I can relate to everything you say. I have burst of anger and frustration sometimes burst into crying. I snap and I need to walk away and be by myself for a while to cool off. I never got diagnosed with adhd but I'm sure this what I felt with my whole life. Im also sensitive and Impulsive, lack of concentration, bored easy, feeling anxiety stress, hyper can't relax. Can't start on things. It's a mess. Everything is overwhelming. Is anyone in this same situations?
I don't like being around people because of their judgment of my dysregulation. It's been difficult for me to work through all this because I've basically been figuring it out on my own... even though I have been in therapy. I wasn't getting good therapy, then she had an outburst during one of our sessions and wouldn't talk to me again after that. I spent a year and a half trying to find a therapist again. During all this time of not having good therapy I have survived a very significant breakup, a significant move, loss of friendships and support system (because of move), loss of job, death of father, brother, two sisters... oh ya, and the world is falling apart. to say I'm dysregulated is an understatement. our "health"care system doesn't like to see people as a whole person and would rather segment us into symptoms to throw pills at. ADHD has been trending for years... but I'm certain that while I have symptoms shared with ADHD... I do not have ADHD. While going through all mentioned above... I've also been going through perimenopause, menopause, and am now officially post menopausal. I've also, for YEARS, had lack of appetite so I'm likely deficient in significant necessary things for cognitive function. All these things together can certainly foster ADHD symptoms! That is a very reasonable statement and yet when I make it to those in healthcare, I'm looked at like I'm crazy and don't know anything.
So... in trying to navigate all that... it's just much easier to not be around people and talk them through their anxiety about why I'm having an emotional outburst. They just don't get it. To them it sounds like I am talking about every day life when I say... I've just been having one thing after another happen so of course I'm angry about it! They see the over reaction to having a bad day without understanding ALL the other things going on that my brain is trying to process. It's just easier to be alone... which is not really good either. There has to be a balance.
Thanks for your videos. You have a way with words that I find quite relatable.
I love my mom but I remember somtimes when I was seemingly unwilling to choose a solotion to the problem i was angry or frustreted with,
she'd tell me to just go and lay in my bed and wait for death.
I just found u & I already love u!! Ur helping me solve some issues I’ve been having
Huh, I just realized part of why I might have so much trouble knowing what I'm feeling...
I actually just got diagnosed with add and a suspicion of autism. As a preparation for that they asked me to go through old report cards and it reminded me that as a kid I would get angry a lot. I was told at school and I think also at home to not do that. So... I basically never really get angry anymore. Except I do of course but it's hidden.
I also cry very easily. I'm a guy though, we're definitely not allowed to do that.
I cried during this video... Actually had been feeling bad all day so this was good. As I said just got diagnosed and they gave me meds too see how I'd respond and I loved them... But they're worried about my blood pressure so I've been monitoring it for a while before they would give me more. Thought it might get to a level where I'd be allowed (have started working out more and eating healthy) the meds but I realized I was doing it wrong and now that I'm measuring the correct way, the results are worse and I'm worried I'll need medication for that first... It's not the end of the world, but atm it feels like it. Well, a little less now maybe.
I Sooooo needed this today. I was definitely disregulated a few hours ago.
Mine is crying ALL THE GODDAMN time! And I hate it because I’m also angry and I hate how weak it makes me feel like I look even though vulnerability is so strong and releasing emotions are so healthy but omg CAN YOU NOT
Btw is it just me or you seem like someone with a very fun personality and youre super nice , youre the elder sister i need fr
I used to have emotional dysregulation that lasted 7-10 days due to PMDD. I would try so hard to get through the work week, go to classes, maintain relationships, etc. It didn't go well at all. I have had so many dangerous meltdowns. I wish there was more information on how to help autistic people regulate their emotions. Sometimes I need someone to monitor me for safety and recognize that I have a hard time properly communicating with people during certain states of mind. I think your tips are great, but don't apply to everyone's circumstances. Thankfully my birth control has made my PMDD symptoms go away, so your tips might actually be really useful for me now. Thanks for sharing!
Sadly the only thing that can help certain conditions is medication. I was the same and combo birth control is the only thing that relieves my pmdd symptoms and keeps the people around me and me safe.
Birth control: what exactly and what dosage?
@@binesart Amethyst. It is 90 mcg of levonorgestrel and 20 mcg of ethinyl estradiol.
@@crystald3655 I agree and its unfortunately really challenging to find a medication that works. Especially with misdiagnosis being common. I didn't even know about the phases of the menstrual cycle until I was probably 24 and then first heard of PMDD at 26.
You’re amazing, thank you for speaking about this.
Perimenopause makes me feel like this every single day. I love being a woman with adhd (not)
I started crying at 3:15 🥹😭💙
i really appreciate how you structure ur videos. you get right to the point and you have relatable examples that you’ve actually gone through yourself. makes me feel like a friend is giving me advice. you are also just very funny. thank you for your work!!!! ❤
The extreme emotions are on the inside now :) tearing me up and controlling my every action, but not visible to the outside :P
i love ur videos ❤ that poor squishmallow tho😂😅