I am a SAHM with 6 kids under the age of 12 (baby is 10 months old) and at the gym the other day I was talking to another mother (who was aged 50) and after she heard that I have children (I told her the ages also) she asked me, "What do you do for work?". I was floored. lol. I realize now that listening to this, I can see why I pursued a home business (ceramics) because I truly felt like being a SAHM was not 'enough' and I needed to justify being at home all day but doing some kind of 'work'. A couple of years ago I found it so stressful to manage that I had to get off IG and close my online shop, now I just make when I have a spare moment... which is maybe once per week for an hour or so? Reality is... we cannot do it all. We cannot be fully present, competent mothers (who are keeping things all together - cleaned home, full fridge, healthy meals) whilst trying to also be BOSS BABES. lol. I really needed to hear this, thank you. I feel like I have permission to tone it down even more now... and stop pressuring myself to do more and justify my existence at home. Please pray for me.
As a therapist who also works with over-achieving women, mostly moms, these are the exact areas we address. Distress tolerance is a huge component of being a healthy, functioning adult and helping women slow down enough to recognize what they are feeling, how it's connected to their thoughts, and what behaviors are the result. It's so rewarding to watch a woman develop and become aware of the power she has to change that feedback loop and to realize her work is not her worth.
That last sentence. I think so many of us feel like we’re not worth anything unless we are working. My favorite moments with my family are when we’re just goofing off together. I love staring into my baby’s eyes. I hope he knows he’s loved for him being him. But… the dishes have to get done. Not bc doing them gives me worth but bc I hate having dishes overflowing in the kitchen.
Love what Suzanne is saying here! I wanted to add that I think it is not just about feeling safe. I think it is just as much about self worth. I was born in '79. When I was middle-school-aged (or sooner), the whole "self-esteem" thing was rampant. I think this phenomenon paired with with the over-achieving message of modern feminism clashed to create today's insecure women. I think it is safe to say that most millennial women and some late gen-X women probably feel deep down that if they don't keep up with what society has taught them is "ideal", then they are not a person worthy of love and affection or anyone's time. But the reality is that trying to keep up with other's expectations of ourselves, even if those other people are our parents, has made us all miserable creatures. It's like the saying goes, "Jack of all trades, master of none." When we try to please everyone, we end up pleasing noone. But if we put our focus to what is rightly ordered (our families), then things will fall into place. It is a long, hard road. So why don't we link arms and travel down it together instead of slinging mud at one another? We ARE worth it, ladies! ❤
When women sought to achieve within the home and their women's work space they were constantly validated and appreciated. My great grandmother had 13 children and made wedding dresses and home linens at home. Not to supplement income but because she had these feminine skills and was encouraged to share them. Today's women are failing at living exclusively in a man's world where vindication and appreciation is rare.
I’ve come to see this in my mid forties. The home arena does offer a place to shine, albeit without much applause sometimes, lol. I couldn’t quite find my way in the career world but finally feel “at home” at home, lol.
My problem is that I can't find my self worth and I try to mask it by "overachieving". But I am on therapy and even though it is very hard, I am trying my best to overcome it and enjoy my two beautiful kids and my great husband. I find your videos so calming Suzanne. Thank you!
The world is pushing for women to be over achievers. High value single or married men don't want over achieving boss babes. Rather we want a help mate in our frame who can help us over achieve and take on the world. Love your vids.
Sadly it’s more than our culture that’s pushing women to be overachievers, it’s human nature. It’s often connected to pride, vanity and greed. I’ve seen so many Stay at Home Moms become crazy overachievers and they are not boss babes or career focused. Is it realistic to have a baby at home and at the same time achieve having a clean, clutter free home with a dinner cooked from scratch every night? Nope, but this is the fairy tale dream us Stay at Home Moms wish we could achieve. It tends to be about insecurity but also pride and vanity. The reality is your home will be a mess if you’re home with a baby and a toddler because little kids NEED to play for healthy brain development. You will probably have to order pepperoni pizza for dinner sometimes instead of making a healthy dinner from scratch. We don’t want to accept reality because it doesn’t look picture perfect like what we see on social media where everyone’s pretending to be something they’re not.
Women don't get they are an inspiration for men to do way way more than we generally would ever do. Women do not want to be an inspiration at all anymore. They love themselves, marry themselves, and have their very own truth. Their truth does not include men or family at all. To women, the 2 shall NOT become one flesh but stay independent of men all the time. Ok ok until the check comes.
I always wonder how you could have a help mate if that woman hasnt been trained in all the areas you want her to help you with. E.g., she helps with house hold finances but she’s never successfully managed money. She is to help in your business, but she’s never worked in those business areas
@@jacqueline8566 Just thinking about your comments. I was married 35 years and I never asked my wife if she would help me in my business. The reason I didn't, is when I offered her to take part in any place of my business she said she didn't want to do any of it, and I was an upholsterer. Women cut and sew in shops. When I asked her if she wanted some kind of say in the finances of our family, she said no. So, I said, ok. I wasn't offended, I just made the subjects a welcome thing to her. She filed for divorce when we were 61 years old to go find herself. I never seen her as lost.
When you’re constantly running you are either running towards something…away from something…or both. In my case, love in my home was conditional. The quality of my relationship with my parents was directly proportional to how well I was performing outside the home. Perfection was the only acceptable standard. So you overachieve in an attempt to “earn” love….and to stay out in front of the demons that might catch you if you stop running. But you stop by working to realize that all that was about their limitations and brokenness. Not your intrinsic value…then you deal with the pain--stop running from it--that being treated way caused. That their inability to nuture and affirm your value created. You have to stop running, and summon the courage to turn and face what you’ve been trying to run from.
Oh my goodness. This is so beautifully expressed. Thank you for leaving this comment. I saved it in my screenshots, it was just that good. It touched me, especially the very end. The very end caused me to pause and ask myself what I’ve been running away from. For me, I was (even though I didn’t necessarily want to) running away from myself and my inherent talents, my instincts (as it relates to my talents). Putting down courage in exchange for the so called ease or comfort perhaps of doing as was prescribed heavy handedly at a relatively younger age by parents through constant chastisement and criticism, in relation to acquiring a certain caliber of degrees, earnings, and jobs at a certain speed despite a desire to go in a direction that I sensed at the time would be a better use of my talents. Deep down I yearned to turned around and run towards myself but for years was lost in the often mindless tail chasing speed racing journey over achievement, until I stopped. High quality performance is still very much so a part of me and probably will always be because of how I like things done, but the “over-achieving” like a hamster on a hamster wheel, I decided to make a drastic change in 2022 after roughly 10 years post graduating from undergrad and Masters / working, to stop nearly everything I was used to doing professionally in the external corporate world and slowed down immensely so I could refocus and re-examine the path ahead.
@@AnomalyBelleza Being raised in a home like that you wind up abandoning large parts of yourself that your parents rejected in an effort to try to manage their toxicity…and your own emotional survival. That creates intense pain…and most people find ways to try to anesthetize that pain. Busyness and overachieving is a seductive drug. It dulls the pain…and society and (usually) your parents reward you with praise for it. So you can convince yourself that (on the surface) nothing is really wrong. But the moment you slow down…stop collecting trophies…or get knocked off stride in some other way (eg having a lover dump you and trigger that old “you’re worthless” wound)? You get quickly reminded that something is truly, painfully wrong. The challenge is trying to figure out what “it” is. Because your parents built a whole system of toxic behaviors to hide it from themselves…and you.
@@azmike3572 It can. My sense of emotional safety growing up was directly connected to pleasing my mother and doing what she wanted and what made her feel good about herself. So knowing myself and what I want has been an ongoing struggle for me because my mother couldn’t tolerate any boundaries between herself and her children. Which meant I took that people-pleasing into my relationships…add to that a weak sense of personal boundaries? I got hammered by relationships in my 20s. But it can also make one avoidant of relationships. You look up and see you keep repeating unhealthy patterns. You didn’t learn how to craft health boundaries. So you rely upon walls, and start shutting people out. I am no longer a people pleaser…and the walls are slowly coming down. But it took a lot of years of some pretty painful inner work to get there. But it’s been worth it.
Last week I went to a sit n stitch group which is basically a bunch of us ladies sitting down and crocheting/knitting together. There was this one gal who was talking about how she has to keep her schedule full or else she feels like she's wasting her time. When I heard about everything that is on her to-do list and in her schedule for the next two or three weeks I was getting super anxious. This lady had a volleyball game that she was going to be playing in at 9:00 p.m. after the group. 9 freaking p.m.! I have a full day, and I need two or three business days to stay home with my kids and not do anything outside of the home to recover. You are 100% right Suzanne. She is protecting herself from things. Whenever my OCD starts acting up I ask myself what it is I'm trying to protect myself from. What am I trying to put a Band-Aid over. I have always seen busyness as a negative thing. I will never apologize for my very laid back easygoing lifestyle.
You also need to remember not everyone is like you. Just because you feel anxious does not mean she is. We as a society need to stop being on focused on other people and analyzing everything they do through the lense of our lives. She may need that just like you need a "laid back" approach to life and instead of asking her and trying to understand her you wrongly judged her.
I am 41, now SAHM. My husband was the one who helped me see I do not have to put the bread on the table, but it took me 20 years of marriage to even agree, tears in my eyes to close down my art studio. I still do work from home, but that si no longer my main focus and it feels so liberating.
I'm 39 amd a recovering over achiever because growing up under a step mother there was no emotional connection and she was always anxious and taught me that I always had to be doing something because there is always something that can be done😮💨im 39 and my husband is allowing me to relax and do what I can instead of what others expect! Great talk Suzanne!This hit home
I definitely needed to hear this. My whole life has been about overachieving. I focused 100% on work since I needed to support myself (and my parents), and I never thought I'd get married or have kids. Now I'm married to a wonderful man and have a baby... and the stress somehow feels worse. I have no idea how to lean on my partner and stop stressing about work. I thought the overachieving mindset - and even the desire to overachieve - would stop if I got married. It didn't. It's hardwired into my brain and I'm very aware that all the stress will probably end up killing me early. This pattern started when I was a child and it's EXTREMELY hard to break as an adult. I might be a lost cause but I don't want anyone else going down this road. END the overachieving encouraged in schools in and colleges that make them bank and leave you stressed, sad, and overwhelmed and underpaid. I'd rather be happy and ordinary than "extraordinary" and stressed.
I've found that when I'm focused on my purpose in life (being a happy mother who sings) and everything I do is focused on that purpose, I'm at peace and I still get plenty done, but it's all going towards my life's purpose. I remember not knowing what my purpose was in life in college and felt like I was running around like chicken with its head cut off, just looking for praise and pleasure, but now every moment is purposeful and directed towards being a happy, singing mother and I'm at peace. Purpose is good- Split Focus is bad. Find your purpose and have every little thing you do be pointing to that and you'll have a greater desire to always do your best and you'll find true peace and fulfillment
I have a friend who is constantly on his phone (social media, news, ect.) I mostly set my phone aside whether home or out. I tell my friend "I use my phone, my phone doesn't use me".
I am amazed that over-achievers even exist. It seems like such rare and even impossible to reach mentaility as someone who finds it a struggle to just do the minimum to get buy and strives to sleep in bed all day. What drives them? What is the point of high performance?
I spent the past five years trying to figure out how to do this, since our first of three sons arrived. I remember standing in the living room holding our days old baby and turning to my husband and saying, “What do we do now?” It was a completely honest question, and now I see how it reflects so many messed up ideas I had about myself and my life. Thank you, Suzanne, for saying what you do!! On another note… does anyone else find it perplexing that the work ethic we develop outside the home doesn’t seem to naturally transfer to inside the home? It’s such a shift in mindset as to what the home is for. It’s also a pragmatic matter of figuring out what you’re supposed to do and how to manage it all! It sounds silly but it’s real! And once you start to make the shift, the work ethic is there. One good thing about being an overachiever, I suppose. 🙃
I think you should do what comes natural to you. My H takes on leadership roles and from what I witness from his zoom meetings those that try to be the overachiever, take up so much extra energy. It's a surplus of energy that isn't helpful to the task at hand and has to be in a way coddled to make sure the person is regulated by the group. I agree it is a control mechanism .
Over achieving was linked with general Over controlling of others for me for decades. When I was a shrink I remember teaching distress tolerance! I’m the lady Alexandra Union who wrote a book “Confessions of a Controlaholic: Don’t Destroy Your Second Marriage Too.” These women cannot sit with that distress without help. For me it comes in the bathtub with deep mourning and weeping over lots of things… finding meaning and a path to God works better than just habituation. Id really like you to read my book. Almost done with epilogue! You helped save my second marriage!!! Your book Alpha Women’s Guide! Thank you!
Im an overachieving stay at home mom. I look around me and there is ALWAYS something to do. I get jittery just sitting down to nurse my baby because i feel like im wasting time sitting there when i can be scrubbing, cooking and prepping. Ive been giving formula a lot because i cant stand sitting down to nurse. Im afraid that I wont live up to my own expectations.
You won't look back and think, "gosh I wish I'd scrubbed the stove." You'll look back and wish you'd spent more time rocking the baby and just enjoying them being small. Eventually they grow up and can help with the chores, and it's not as hard to get dinner on the table or keep the house tidy. When they're babies, just go for "good enough" with cooking and cleaning. You won't regret it. You can only do one thing at a time. Decide what's most important. I know it's hard. It gets better.
I hope you realize that what you describe isn’t healthy behaviour. I never struggled with being an overachiever before I became a mom. Something happens to most women when we become moms. The combination of hormones and wanting the best for our families can drive us a little crazy, we can become restless workaholics who never stop. I’ve fallen into the trap of becoming an overachieving Stay at Home Mom many times during the past five years. What we need to realize as Stay at Home Moms is that all the work will never be done, so stop trying to “get it all done” as social media often promotes. If you work at a job you will finish a project or deal. If you study in University you will be able to finish an assignment and turn it in. As a Stay at Home Mom you won’t be finished with the project before the kids are say 18. It’s normal to have toys everywhere and not a clean home when your kids are home all day and not in daycare. It’s normal to NOT get everything done around the house when you have a baby to take care of. It’s not healthy to value house work above sitting down to nurse your baby, although I totally get the frustration. When we’re always focusing on the next task as moms that we want to get done we have gotten stuck on the treadmill of more, more, more. I’ve learned to focus on enjoying the journey of motherhood and focus on making progress every day, instead of finishing everything. At the end of the day there’s always something left undone that I will leave to the next day. There might be two baskets of unfolded laundry or boxes of random stuff that I eventually need to declutter. There’s always at least some dishes in the sink until we put the dishwasher on at night. Our home is always a work in progress and that’s a good thing, it means I had time to play with my toddler today and answer my Kindergartener’s 57 questions. 😂 The goal of being a Stay at Home Mom is to build strong healthy attachments with our children and make memories together that will last a lifetime. We can’t do any of those things if our end goal is to get everything done around the house every day. You can focus on making progress around the house every day, but don’t make it your goal to get everything done. If I did get everything done every day as a Stay at Home Mom I would be neglecting my kids needs in the process. I’ve learned to embrace the “creative chaos” in our home, the mess from toys everywhere and dishes in the sink. Home making is about cultivating a life-giving home, not about finishing every task as if we were in university or at a corporate job. The connections we build with our kids and husband is the real job, the rest will (and should be) unfinished until the kids are all grown up. Our home is a lot more tidy these days because my youngest is four. Soon we will have another baby and the house will be more messy again because my priority will be building healthy attachment with baby, not cleaning, organizing or getting all the dishes in the sink clean. We will also choose to do less extra curricular activities during the baby year to allow the whole family to slow down. We don’t have to do everything at the same time, there’s seasons when it’s wise to slow down and seasons when you can fit in more activities and house projects.
This is helpful to read. I know and agree with the importance of connection more than decluttering/dishes/laundry, but still it irks me. It’s just helpful to hear the reminder from someone else in a similar stage. The babies grow up quickly, as long as the days seem sometimes!
Insightful. I could see the need for control, and the damage it does, but never thought about the underlying psychology of insecurity. Thank you. btw it's "home in", like a homing pigeon, not hone like a knife grinder. Sorry!
I'm an elder millennial (41). When i married 16 years ago, my husband and I lived 5 hours from our hometown. We had our first 2 children away from my family. My boomer mother cried and begged for us to move back to our hometown to be closer to family. She expressed that we're being selfish by living far from them and she is not able to enjoy her grandkids. When we found out we were having our 3rd child, we moved back to be close to family. Nothing has changed. My parents live 10 minutes away from me but we might as well live 5 hours away because they literally have never asked for their grandchildren. We rarely see them. My mother still works, father is retired but has plenty hobbies to keep him out of the house everyday. My children do not have a bond with them, it's terribly awkward. I stopped trying to make plans with my parents as they have their own lives and interests. One thing boomers are good at is criticizing millennial parenting lol I do not understand boomers. I invite them to my children's award ceremonies or musical concerts but they never make the time to attend. My mother simply asks me to take pictures and send them to her. I don't ever ask them to babysit. I simply ask them to come celebrate their grandkids accomplishments with us but they so not make time for them. They will attend birthday parties but never actually help with it. God forbid i do not remember them on their birthday or mothers day😱 my mother would have a melt down. My husbands mother lives in town and is also a selfish boomer. She never asks for her grandchildren or makes time for them. I'm upset and heartbroken over this one thing for sure is that i will always be there for my children and vow to help them with their own children. Want to also mention that i was a SAHM for the first 10 years marriage and now i work full-time for the past few years.
im an overachiever i cant just let myself stop and do nothing. The guilt creeps in. Its both good and bad. Currently have ankle tendonitis and it really made me have to stop and rest and I kept pushing myself and reinjuring myself so its taking much longer to heal 😅. Lesson learned, this is Gods way of telling me to chill I believe.
It is absolutely an addiction!! I mean you get rewarded with a paycheck every week! Plus Bonuses, raises, promotions…. Head hunters constantly promising more and more all the time. Workaholism is even the most praised addiction, especially for women.
lol I want to overachieve but I just don’t have enough time and I need sleep. With a 6 mo old, I’m glad if I can get anything else done lol. 3:47 - I’m 42 and realized that recently. If I push too hard, I’m actually floored for the next few days. So it’s actually much better if I pace myself. I can’t do what I used to when I was younger and I’m realizing now that a lot of that pushing too hard was probably WAY bad for my health both mentally and physically.
I’m totally drowning and all I am is a SAHM to a baby lol. But I also do the family finances, I grow some of our own food, I home cook meals. It’s a lot. I have NO time for myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind bc of it.
A poem called Babies Don't Keep can help with priorities during the precious days of loving your infant. In part it says, 'Quiet down cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.' What things might you simplify to make this season a little easier and more enjoyable? What things can be done at a minimum for this season? What can be tabled for now? Good for you for prioritizing the love and care of your family and giving them your best during this season of your life!
I haven't watched this video yet, but I would probably fit into this category. I'm a woman in my 50s and I never married nor had children. I'm honestly happy being an over achiever. I don't think I'd compromise that for anyone. That doesn't make me a "bossy" type of person. It means I'm actively concerned about my present and future. And if I was with someone, I'd be concerned about their present and future too. It would be great to be with someone where this is reciprocated...two people who care about one another working together.
The only over-achieving I see is in makeup application. The rest is just about putting money ahead of every other criteria. How many are overachievers at the rest of life, the important part.
Feeling stressed, feel like the world is on your shoulders? Well it is. I’m the only income earner for 3 kids, spouse and 2 cats. It’s my job to keep them off welfare. Ladies- it’s life, welcome to being a man. Living life without a safety net. Dig in and put the neuroticism aside.
🤔 Imbalance. Viewpoints of distress. “Welcome to being a man” can be understood but last time I checked, a household with two men leading a family is not quite the topic here lol and surely I don’t think you want another man as a wife lol unless you roll that way. So, that’s why the message being shared in this video and in this theme / lesson is being shared to remind women that while they may be faced with the reality of having to do all these things in society, they should remember 1. They are distinct from men 2. It is okay to separate your intrinsic value from work It is to remind women about the value of returning back to a more natural state of existence that if nurtured properly can actually add to the prosperity, peace, and fruitfulness of not just life (her own life) but to a mate, and the state of a household / emerging family. Nobody is saying that life is without work or without challenge for both men and women, what she is explaining is that when you’re constantly searching outside of yourself to over achieve (which SO MANY do to our detriment when often it’s not even necessary), you often lose sight of yourself and the value and peace you could be bringing to yourself and potentially a spouse and family if you choose to have one one day.
Also the world doesn’t necessarily “have to be on anyone’s shoulders” by default if humans would learn and embrace more how to live in community and stop destroying so much. This American society is far from a communal type of society in so many ways. National and state level safety net style programs exist for individuals and families in need which has some positive elements but overall the populace of this country are very individualistic in mindset and lifestyle and sustainability. So it’s of no surprise that a lot of ppl feel the pressure. There are alternative ways to alleviate some of the ways in which we live.
Hi, I want to say I agree with you and I sympathize with your situation. I'm a single woman in my 50s - never married, no children. I'm responsible for myself and help look after my Mom, who's 81. I understand our situations are different but I definitely feel the stress.
Instinctively I have never wanted to overachive, found it unnecesary and not worth of the time, I always looked at overachivers like sheeps and I know they looked at me as a mediocre dumb 🤣🤣
As a man, this was too much information. I'm not saying your wrong at all, I just mentally checked out and had to watch it over and really focus. If your basically talking to women, then ok it wasn't really a man focused message today anyway.
I am a SAHM with 6 kids under the age of 12 (baby is 10 months old) and at the gym the other day I was talking to another mother (who was aged 50) and after she heard that I have children (I told her the ages also) she asked me, "What do you do for work?". I was floored. lol. I realize now that listening to this, I can see why I pursued a home business (ceramics) because I truly felt like being a SAHM was not 'enough' and I needed to justify being at home all day but doing some kind of 'work'. A couple of years ago I found it so stressful to manage that I had to get off IG and close my online shop, now I just make when I have a spare moment... which is maybe once per week for an hour or so? Reality is... we cannot do it all. We cannot be fully present, competent mothers (who are keeping things all together - cleaned home, full fridge, healthy meals) whilst trying to also be BOSS BABES. lol. I really needed to hear this, thank you. I feel like I have permission to tone it down even more now... and stop pressuring myself to do more and justify my existence at home. Please pray for me.
Anyone who has common sense would know you are working 24-7 and could probably use a cleaning team , personal assistant and nanny 😂 God bless
As a therapist who also works with over-achieving women, mostly moms, these are the exact areas we address. Distress tolerance is a huge component of being a healthy, functioning adult and helping women slow down enough to recognize what they are feeling, how it's connected to their thoughts, and what behaviors are the result. It's so rewarding to watch a woman develop and become aware of the power she has to change that feedback loop and to realize her work is not her worth.
Ok, now as a man, I get this message.
Love it. Thank you for what you are doing.
Could you describe what distress tolerance is? Is it a tolerance for distress or a lack of awareness of stress levels?
That last sentence. I think so many of us feel like we’re not worth anything unless we are working. My favorite moments with my family are when we’re just goofing off together. I love staring into my baby’s eyes. I hope he knows he’s loved for him being him.
But… the dishes have to get done. Not bc doing them gives me worth but bc I hate having dishes overflowing in the kitchen.
Love what Suzanne is saying here! I wanted to add that I think it is not just about feeling safe. I think it is just as much about self worth. I was born in '79. When I was middle-school-aged (or sooner), the whole "self-esteem" thing was rampant. I think this phenomenon paired with with the over-achieving message of modern feminism clashed to create today's insecure women. I think it is safe to say that most millennial women and some late gen-X women probably feel deep down that if they don't keep up with what society has taught them is "ideal", then they are not a person worthy of love and affection or anyone's time. But the reality is that trying to keep up with other's expectations of ourselves, even if those other people are our parents, has made us all miserable creatures. It's like the saying goes, "Jack of all trades, master of none." When we try to please everyone, we end up pleasing noone. But if we put our focus to what is rightly ordered (our families), then things will fall into place. It is a long, hard road. So why don't we link arms and travel down it together instead of slinging mud at one another? We ARE worth it, ladies! ❤
Yes exactly. Even a 58 year old.
Wow, what a great message and appeal!
When women sought to achieve within the home and their women's work space they were constantly validated and appreciated. My great grandmother had 13 children and made wedding dresses and home linens at home. Not to supplement income but because she had these feminine skills and was encouraged to share them. Today's women are failing at living exclusively in a man's world where vindication and appreciation is rare.
I’ve come to see this in my mid forties. The home arena does offer a place to shine, albeit without much applause sometimes, lol. I couldn’t quite find my way in the career world but finally feel “at home” at home, lol.
I wish I could like your comment a million times!!! I agree 100!!! ❤😊
My problem is that I can't find my self worth and I try to mask it by "overachieving". But I am on therapy and even though it is very hard, I am trying my best to overcome it and enjoy my two beautiful kids and my great husband. I find your videos so calming Suzanne. Thank you!
The world is pushing for women to be over achievers. High value single or married men don't want over achieving boss babes. Rather we want a help mate in our frame who can help us over achieve and take on the world. Love your vids.
Sadly it’s more than our culture that’s pushing women to be overachievers, it’s human nature. It’s often connected to pride, vanity and greed.
I’ve seen so many Stay at Home Moms become crazy overachievers and they are not boss babes or career focused. Is it realistic to have a baby at home and at the same time achieve having a clean, clutter free home with a dinner cooked from scratch every night? Nope, but this is the fairy tale dream us Stay at Home Moms wish we could achieve. It tends to be about insecurity but also pride and vanity.
The reality is your home will be a mess if you’re home with a baby and a toddler because little kids NEED to play for healthy brain development. You will probably have to order pepperoni pizza for dinner sometimes instead of making a healthy dinner from scratch.
We don’t want to accept reality because it doesn’t look picture perfect like what we see on social media where everyone’s pretending to be something they’re not.
Women don't get they are an inspiration for men to do way way more than we generally would ever do. Women do not want to be an inspiration at all anymore. They love themselves, marry themselves, and have their very own truth. Their truth does not include men or family at all. To women, the 2 shall NOT become one flesh but stay independent of men all the time. Ok ok until the check comes.
I always wonder how you could have a help mate if that woman hasnt been trained in all the areas you want her to help you with. E.g., she helps with house hold finances but she’s never successfully managed money. She is to help in your business, but she’s never worked in those business areas
Over achiever is not the same as an over achieving boss babe
@@jacqueline8566 Just thinking about your comments. I was married 35 years and I never asked my wife if she would help me in my business. The reason I didn't, is when I offered her to take part in any place of my business she said she didn't want to do any of it, and I was an upholsterer. Women cut and sew in shops. When I asked her if she wanted some kind of say in the finances of our family, she said no. So, I said, ok. I wasn't offended, I just made the subjects a welcome thing to her. She filed for divorce when we were 61 years old to go find herself. I never seen her as lost.
When you’re constantly running you are either running towards something…away from something…or both.
In my case, love in my home was conditional. The quality of my relationship with my parents was directly proportional to how well I was performing outside the home. Perfection was the only acceptable standard.
So you overachieve in an attempt to “earn” love….and to stay out in front of the demons that might catch you if you stop running.
But you stop by working to realize that all that was about their limitations and brokenness. Not your intrinsic value…then you deal with the pain--stop running from it--that being treated way caused. That their inability to nuture and affirm your value created.
You have to stop running, and summon the courage to turn and face what you’ve been trying to run from.
Oh my goodness. This is so beautifully expressed. Thank you for leaving this comment. I saved it in my screenshots, it was just that good.
It touched me, especially the very end.
The very end caused me to pause and ask myself what I’ve been running away from.
For me, I was (even though I didn’t necessarily want to) running away from myself and my inherent talents, my instincts (as it relates to my talents).
Putting down courage in exchange for the so called ease or comfort perhaps of doing as was prescribed heavy handedly at a relatively younger age by parents through constant chastisement and criticism, in relation to acquiring a certain caliber of degrees, earnings, and jobs at a certain speed despite a desire to go in a direction that I sensed at the time would be a better use of my talents.
Deep down I yearned to turned around and run towards myself but for years was lost in the often mindless tail chasing speed racing journey over achievement, until I stopped.
High quality performance is still very much so a part of me and probably will always be because of how I like things done, but the “over-achieving” like a hamster on a hamster wheel, I decided to make a drastic change in 2022 after roughly 10 years post graduating from undergrad and Masters / working, to stop nearly everything I was used to doing professionally in the external corporate world and slowed down immensely so I could refocus and re-examine the path ahead.
@@AnomalyBelleza Being raised in a home like that you wind up abandoning large parts of yourself that your parents rejected in an effort to try to manage their toxicity…and your own emotional survival.
That creates intense pain…and most people find ways to try to anesthetize that pain. Busyness and overachieving is a seductive drug. It dulls the pain…and society and (usually) your parents reward you with praise for it.
So you can convince yourself that (on the surface) nothing is really wrong. But the moment you slow down…stop collecting trophies…or get knocked off stride in some other way (eg having a lover dump you and trigger that old “you’re worthless” wound)?
You get quickly reminded that something is truly, painfully wrong. The challenge is trying to figure out what “it” is. Because your parents built a whole system of toxic behaviors to hide it from themselves…and you.
Thank you!!!!!
I've read that this conditional love causes men to become simps as adults.
@@azmike3572 It can. My sense of emotional safety growing up was directly connected to pleasing my mother and doing what she wanted and what made her feel good about herself.
So knowing myself and what I want has been an ongoing struggle for me because my mother couldn’t tolerate any boundaries between herself and her children. Which meant I took that people-pleasing into my relationships…add to that a weak sense of personal boundaries? I got hammered by relationships in my 20s.
But it can also make one avoidant of relationships. You look up and see you keep repeating unhealthy patterns. You didn’t learn how to craft health boundaries. So you rely upon walls, and start shutting people out.
I am no longer a people pleaser…and the walls are slowly coming down. But it took a lot of years of some pretty painful inner work to get there. But it’s been worth it.
Last week I went to a sit n stitch group which is basically a bunch of us ladies sitting down and crocheting/knitting together. There was this one gal who was talking about how she has to keep her schedule full or else she feels like she's wasting her time. When I heard about everything that is on her to-do list and in her schedule for the next two or three weeks I was getting super anxious. This lady had a volleyball game that she was going to be playing in at 9:00 p.m. after the group. 9 freaking p.m.! I have a full day, and I need two or three business days to stay home with my kids and not do anything outside of the home to recover. You are 100% right Suzanne. She is protecting herself from things. Whenever my OCD starts acting up I ask myself what it is I'm trying to protect myself from. What am I trying to put a Band-Aid over. I have always seen busyness as a negative thing. I will never apologize for my very laid back easygoing lifestyle.
You also need to remember not everyone is like you. Just because you feel anxious does not mean she is. We as a society need to stop being on focused on other people and analyzing everything they do through the lense of our lives. She may need that just like you need a "laid back" approach to life and instead of asking her and trying to understand her you wrongly judged her.
I am 41, now SAHM. My husband was the one who helped me see I do not have to put the bread on the table, but it took me 20 years of marriage to even agree, tears in my eyes to close down my art studio. I still do work from home, but that si no longer my main focus and it feels so liberating.
Not me listening to this while overachieving by cleaning up as much as possible while baby sleeps eventhough I'm sick 😅
That's not wise. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby. Go take a nap while baby's napping, mama.
Baby needs mom to be healthy. You should rest.
This is a really amazing video. Nothing but the truth has been spoken here & I'm a 35 year old man.
I'm 39 amd a recovering over achiever because growing up under a step mother there was no emotional connection and she was always anxious and taught me that I always had to be doing something because there is always something that can be done😮💨im 39 and my husband is allowing me to relax and do what I can instead of what others expect! Great talk Suzanne!This hit home
I definitely needed to hear this. My whole life has been about overachieving. I focused 100% on work since I needed to support myself (and my parents), and I never thought I'd get married or have kids. Now I'm married to a wonderful man and have a baby... and the stress somehow feels worse. I have no idea how to lean on my partner and stop stressing about work. I thought the overachieving mindset - and even the desire to overachieve - would stop if I got married. It didn't. It's hardwired into my brain and I'm very aware that all the stress will probably end up killing me early. This pattern started when I was a child and it's EXTREMELY hard to break as an adult. I might be a lost cause but I don't want anyone else going down this road. END the overachieving encouraged in schools in and colleges that make them bank and leave you stressed, sad, and overwhelmed and underpaid. I'd rather be happy and ordinary than "extraordinary" and stressed.
I've found that when I'm focused on my purpose in life (being a happy mother who sings) and everything I do is focused on that purpose, I'm at peace and I still get plenty done, but it's all going towards my life's purpose. I remember not knowing what my purpose was in life in college and felt like I was running around like chicken with its head cut off, just looking for praise and pleasure, but now every moment is purposeful and directed towards being a happy, singing mother and I'm at peace. Purpose is good- Split Focus is bad. Find your purpose and have every little thing you do be pointing to that and you'll have a greater desire to always do your best and you'll find true peace and fulfillment
I have a friend who is constantly on his phone (social media, news, ect.) I mostly set my phone aside whether home or out. I tell my friend "I use my phone, my phone doesn't use me".
Thank you so much Suzanne! It was liberating ❤ And comes just in the right time.
The other thing about overachieving and just running that hamster wheel- is eventually it takes a toll on your health- not worth it!
Exactly. 100%
Suzanne, this episode was great! You described me to the tee. I listened to this episode 3 times! Thank you for bringing this to my attention ❤
💯
This message resonates so much with me right now. Thank you so much for this topic and this channel.
Overachieving is not bad ….but you also have to make time to the people in your life …..and this is what people struggle with .
I am amazed that over-achievers even exist. It seems like such rare and even impossible to reach mentaility as someone who finds it a struggle to just do the minimum to get buy and strives to sleep in bed all day. What drives them? What is the point of high performance?
I spent the past five years trying to figure out how to do this, since our first of three sons arrived. I remember standing in the living room holding our days old baby and turning to my husband and saying, “What do we do now?” It was a completely honest question, and now I see how it reflects so many messed up ideas I had about myself and my life. Thank you, Suzanne, for saying what you do!! On another note… does anyone else find it perplexing that the work ethic we develop outside the home doesn’t seem to naturally transfer to inside the home? It’s such a shift in mindset as to what the home is for. It’s also a pragmatic matter of figuring out what you’re supposed to do and how to manage it all! It sounds silly but it’s real! And once you start to make the shift, the work ethic is there. One good thing about being an overachiever, I suppose. 🙃
I think you should do what comes natural to you. My H takes on leadership roles and from what I witness from his zoom meetings those that try to be the overachiever, take up so much extra energy. It's a surplus of energy that isn't helpful to the task at hand and has to be in a way coddled to make sure the person is regulated by the group. I agree it is a control mechanism .
Over achieving was linked with general Over controlling of others for me for decades.
When I was a shrink I remember teaching distress tolerance!
I’m the lady Alexandra Union who wrote a book “Confessions of a Controlaholic: Don’t Destroy Your Second Marriage Too.”
These women cannot sit with that distress without help. For me it comes in the bathtub with deep mourning and weeping over lots of things… finding meaning and a path to God works better than just habituation.
Id really like you to read my book. Almost done with epilogue!
You helped save my second marriage!!! Your book Alpha Women’s Guide! Thank you!
I'm not an overachiever. I just achieve.
Im an overachieving stay at home mom. I look around me and there is ALWAYS something to do. I get jittery just sitting down to nurse my baby because i feel like im wasting time sitting there when i can be scrubbing, cooking and prepping. Ive been giving formula a lot because i cant stand sitting down to nurse. Im afraid that I wont live up to my own expectations.
You won't look back and think, "gosh I wish I'd scrubbed the stove." You'll look back and wish you'd spent more time rocking the baby and just enjoying them being small. Eventually they grow up and can help with the chores, and it's not as hard to get dinner on the table or keep the house tidy. When they're babies, just go for "good enough" with cooking and cleaning. You won't regret it. You can only do one thing at a time. Decide what's most important.
I know it's hard. It gets better.
@@melindamervosh9052Don’t say that, it’s not ridiculous, it’s unhealthy behaviour.
I never struggled with being an overachiever before I became a mom.
I hope you realize that what you describe isn’t healthy behaviour.
I never struggled with being an overachiever before I became a mom. Something happens to most women when we become moms. The combination of hormones and wanting the best for our families can drive us a little crazy, we can become restless workaholics who never stop.
I’ve fallen into the trap of becoming an overachieving Stay at Home Mom many times during the past five years. What we need to realize as Stay at Home Moms is that all the work will never be done, so stop trying to “get it all done” as social media often promotes.
If you work at a job you will finish a project or deal. If you study in University you will be able to finish an assignment and turn it in. As a Stay at Home Mom you won’t be finished with the project before the kids are say 18. It’s normal to have toys everywhere and not a clean home when your kids are home all day and not in daycare. It’s normal to NOT get everything done around the house when you have a baby to take care of. It’s not healthy to value house work above sitting down to nurse your baby, although I totally get the frustration.
When we’re always focusing on the next task as moms that we want to get done we have gotten stuck on the treadmill of more, more, more. I’ve learned to focus on enjoying the journey of motherhood and focus on making progress every day, instead of finishing everything. At the end of the day there’s always something left undone that I will leave to the next day. There might be two baskets of unfolded laundry or boxes of random stuff that I eventually need to declutter. There’s always at least some dishes in the sink until we put the dishwasher on at night. Our home is always a work in progress and that’s a good thing, it means I had time to play with my toddler today and answer my Kindergartener’s 57 questions. 😂
The goal of being a Stay at Home Mom is to build strong healthy attachments with our children and make memories together that will last a lifetime. We can’t do any of those things if our end goal is to get everything done around the house every day. You can focus on making progress around the house every day, but don’t make it your goal to get everything done. If I did get everything done every day as a Stay at Home Mom I would be neglecting my kids needs in the process. I’ve learned to embrace the “creative chaos” in our home, the mess from toys everywhere and dishes in the sink.
Home making is about cultivating a life-giving home, not about finishing every task as if we were in university or at a corporate job. The connections we build with our kids and husband is the real job, the rest will (and should be) unfinished until the kids are all grown up.
Our home is a lot more tidy these days because my youngest is four. Soon we will have another baby and the house will be more messy again because my priority will be building healthy attachment with baby, not cleaning, organizing or getting all the dishes in the sink clean. We will also choose to do less extra curricular activities during the baby year to allow the whole family to slow down. We don’t have to do everything at the same time, there’s seasons when it’s wise to slow down and seasons when you can fit in more activities and house projects.
This is helpful to read. I know and agree with the importance of connection more than decluttering/dishes/laundry, but still it irks me. It’s just helpful to hear the reminder from someone else in a similar stage. The babies grow up quickly, as long as the days seem sometimes!
It was kind of painful lesson when I stopped over caring for others many people liked me less but at least you know who really cares
Awww! This is a tough one for me also. Sending hugs to all those mamas who are struggling to be enough.
Insightful. I could see the need for control, and the damage it does, but never thought about the underlying psychology of insecurity. Thank you.
btw it's "home in", like a homing pigeon, not hone like a knife grinder. Sorry!
Good clip. I'm now an UNDERachiever and feel so much better without the pressure. 🙂
Amazing wisdom as always, thank you🙏
Thank you. That was helpful
I'm an elder millennial (41). When i married 16 years ago, my husband and I lived 5 hours from our hometown. We had our first 2 children away from my family. My boomer mother cried and begged for us to move back to our hometown to be closer to family. She expressed that we're being selfish by living far from them and she is not able to enjoy her grandkids. When we found out we were having our 3rd child, we moved back to be close to family. Nothing has changed. My parents live 10 minutes away from me but we might as well live 5 hours away because they literally have never asked for their grandchildren. We rarely see them. My mother still works, father is retired but has plenty hobbies to keep him out of the house everyday. My children do not have a bond with them, it's terribly awkward. I stopped trying to make plans with my parents as they have their own lives and interests. One thing boomers are good at is criticizing millennial parenting lol I do not understand boomers. I invite them to my children's award ceremonies or musical concerts but they never make the time to attend. My mother simply asks me to take pictures and send them to her. I don't ever ask them to babysit. I simply ask them to come celebrate their grandkids accomplishments with us but they so not make time for them. They will attend birthday parties but never actually help with it. God forbid i do not remember them on their birthday or mothers day😱 my mother would have a melt down. My husbands mother lives in town and is also a selfish boomer. She never asks for her grandchildren or makes time for them. I'm upset and heartbroken over this one thing for sure is that i will always be there for my children and vow to help them with their own children. Want to also mention that i was a SAHM for the first 10 years marriage and now i work full-time for the past few years.
im an overachiever i cant just let myself stop and do nothing. The guilt creeps in. Its both good and bad. Currently have ankle tendonitis and it really made me have to stop and rest and I kept pushing myself and reinjuring myself so its taking much longer to heal 😅. Lesson learned, this is Gods way of telling me to chill I believe.
It is absolutely an addiction!! I mean you get rewarded with a paycheck every week! Plus Bonuses, raises, promotions…. Head hunters constantly promising more and more all the time. Workaholism is even the most praised addiction, especially for women.
Great chat... thank you
lol I want to overachieve but I just don’t have enough time and I need sleep. With a 6 mo old, I’m glad if I can get anything else done lol.
3:47 - I’m 42 and realized that recently. If I push too hard, I’m actually floored for the next few days. So it’s actually much better if I pace myself. I can’t do what I used to when I was younger and I’m realizing now that a lot of that pushing too hard was probably WAY bad for my health both mentally and physically.
I'm an over. I am currently working on letting go of this. It's not easy, the habits are strong..
This is a MESSAGE!!!
this was so timely .. thank you. . .
I’m totally drowning and all I am is a SAHM to a baby lol. But I also do the family finances, I grow some of our own food, I home cook meals. It’s a lot. I have NO time for myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind bc of it.
A poem called Babies Don't Keep can help with priorities during the precious days of loving your infant. In part it says, 'Quiet down cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.' What things might you simplify to make this season a little easier and more enjoyable? What things can be done at a minimum for this season? What can be tabled for now? Good for you for prioritizing the love and care of your family and giving them your best during this season of your life!
I haven't watched this video yet, but I would probably fit into this category. I'm a woman in my 50s and I never married nor had children. I'm honestly happy being an over achiever. I don't think I'd compromise that for anyone. That doesn't make me a "bossy" type of person. It means I'm actively concerned about my present and future. And if I was with someone, I'd be concerned about their present and future too. It would be great to be with someone where this is reciprocated...two people who care about one another working together.
She makes a clear distinction between being high achieving and OVER achieving. Strive for excellence, for sure.
Thanks. I still need to watch the video.@@tolohuexochitl3
The only over-achieving I see is in makeup application. The rest is just about putting money ahead of every other criteria. How many are overachievers at the rest of life, the important part.
Feeling stressed, feel like the world is on your shoulders? Well it is. I’m the only income earner for 3 kids, spouse and 2 cats. It’s my job to keep them off welfare. Ladies- it’s life, welcome to being a man. Living life without a safety net. Dig in and put the neuroticism aside.
🤔 Imbalance. Viewpoints of distress.
“Welcome to being a man” can be understood but last time I checked, a household with two men leading a family is not quite the topic here lol and surely I don’t think you want another man as a wife lol unless you roll that way.
So, that’s why the message being shared in this video and in this theme / lesson is being shared to remind women that while they may be faced with the reality of having to do all these things in society, they should remember
1. They are distinct from men
2. It is okay to separate your intrinsic value from work
It is to remind women about the value of returning back to a more natural state of existence that if nurtured properly can actually add to the prosperity, peace, and fruitfulness of not just life (her own life) but to a mate, and the state of a household / emerging family.
Nobody is saying that life is without work or without challenge for both men and women, what she is explaining is that when you’re constantly searching outside of yourself to over achieve (which SO MANY do to our detriment when often it’s not even necessary), you often lose sight of yourself and the value and peace you could be bringing to yourself and potentially a spouse and family if you choose to have one one day.
Also the world doesn’t necessarily “have to be on anyone’s shoulders” by default if humans would learn and embrace more how to live in community and stop destroying so much.
This American society is far from a communal type of society in so many ways.
National and state level safety net style programs exist for individuals and families in need which has some positive elements but overall the populace of this country are very individualistic in mindset and lifestyle and sustainability.
So it’s of no surprise that a lot of ppl feel the pressure.
There are alternative ways to alleviate some of the ways in which we live.
Hi, I want to say I agree with you and I sympathize with your situation. I'm a single woman in my 50s - never married, no children. I'm responsible for myself and help look after my Mom, who's 81. I understand our situations are different but I definitely feel the stress.
"We Suffer more in our imagination than in reality"- Seneca
Check out book "Trust or Control" by Dorcas Stutzman.
Instinctively I have never wanted to overachive, found it unnecesary and not worth of the time, I always looked at overachivers like sheeps and I know they looked at me as a mediocre dumb 🤣🤣
I do it out of necessity, not will
❤
As a man, this was too much information. I'm not saying your wrong at all, I just mentally checked out and had to watch it over and really focus. If your basically talking to women, then ok it wasn't really a man focused message today anyway.