Nicole! I saw the title and struggled with pressing play, because I knew how pertinent to my life this video would be. I was right! You called me out and showed me exactly how my family dynamic is represented in a unit. They are struggling with me becoming aware of my self, and not fitting the mold they had made for me. I respect and love them, but it is time for me to show up for, respect, and love my self!
how do you deal with the push back from your family when you start to create those boundaries? My family gets offended, and I end up feeling guilty that I am disappointing them.
Hi! I actually hired a creator to do this, so I was surprised there was issues with the sound. I spoke with him and everything will be sorted out in upcoming videos. Apologies! Thanks for watching.
Same here! After watching just one of her videos I now sit down with a journal and pen in hand ready to grow heal and learn!❤️ life changing material thank you Dr. Lepera!
Great information! You are a natural teacher, Dr. Nicole, because you give concrete examples that are easily relatable. I love my alone time and am at a stage in life where I don't mind eating by myself, going to the movies, and even going to the symphony alone.
Wow! 31 years old and ONLY now I have a light bulb moment about boundaries, now I understand why lately I have been super triggered! Aaaaaaaah thanks for these videos!! You are AWESOME
Hi there! First we have to understand that there's a reason we feel as though being ourselves betrays the unit. Boundaries are necessary to take space from the unit and find autonomy.
Always super helpful!! So glad I got the email to subscribe to your channel. What I love is that you give examples of what to do and how to start small. A lot of the time I think people struggle with where to start (myself especially) and feeling like something a small as an hour alone isn't "enough" but it is a start... it's simple. Thank you for making self healing less complicated. Very grateful for you 🙏
Hi Stephanie! Thanks so much for making your way over here and for this thoughtful comment. Starting small really is 'the secret' it just takes time to believe it.
I just want to say that these videos are beautifully produced and I LOVE knowing about how you started making videos and how your relationship with your production team (or person) came about.
This is great! Thinking of the 'overconcern for reaction to no' portion, I know my child sometimes will say yes even though she wants to say no ("she will actually tell me: I don't really want to eat this but I will eat it because I know it is healthy and you want me to") I need a little help with this. I say things like: It's okay to be different, Your body belongs to you, It's okay to like different things etc. and allow/encourage her to make many decisions in an effort to give her autonomy and learn she is her own person. I do have to make some decisions for her (I set a boundary). I can't say to her: "it's okay to say no" because sometimes it is not okay to say no. Or maybe I should rephrase it to her? Maybe I can tell her it is okay to let me know how you feel about this and then explain why I am setting a certain boundary? Example: it's bedtime but she does not want to go to bed. If she says, No , I don't want to go to bed. "I understand. You wish you could stay up longer. Tomorrow you will have more time to do xyz." That's what I usually do. I enforce the boundary with empathy. Is that a healthy way of doing so? I think it is easier when it comes to adult relationships.
I feel like a great idea for your problem is to let your daughter know the possible consequences, or even let her experience them. If she doesn't want to sleep early, then maybe let her experience being tired all day. Just a thought, it is good to give your child freedom and let them experience the world, and even the world's cons
OMG I grew up with narcissistic sisters. I still have a hard time being with them. I now know that I will loose myself when I am with them. It's exhausting keeping my own boundaries. It takes days to recover. I am powerless over my past and they resent me for braking free from the family dynamic. Thx for the info.
Such a healer ! thank you for this precious and valuable knowledge you share with us who deeply needs guidance through stuff no one speak about it in a simple and honest way! Bless you
This is so fantastic, I have so much to work on that I never even clocked before watching your videos. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with others, it's truly changing lives!!
This was really great! I especially loved the idea of blurred boundaries in families which was new to me, the definition of boundaries, ways of separating from the unit & protecting energy through the resource check in (your example was exactly what happened to me with my sister). Super helpful 💜
Thank you for this video. I am married into a family that is very much "one" and I feel the pain of being an outsider a lot. My husband and I are in therapy trying to work toward developing boundaries with his family. It has been a major challenge, but I am hopeful that we can create some separation and learn to celebrate our own uniqueness. Thanks again!
@Ja Ma Fer .... This is my second time to view this video after some months and I have to say a few years ago I realized after too many years that my hubbies family us very much "one" in so many aspects. Its suffocating! It took me way too long to realize I had autonomy and rights amongst them. I've started advocating for myself, and my children. Holidays were the biggest issue to overcome...my husband is the youngest of 6.
You are my rock, my guide, my idol, my everything that makes me want to be a better person. Everyday I am more and more amazed and impressed by you and your knowledge and your ability to connect with so many as I read your posts and watch your videos.
Thank you, you are bringing much needed and practical awareness to my self care routines and relationships. God bless, you've a healing quality gifted upon you. Keep striding.
I'm so glad I found you doctor ❤️ I feel heard when you address certain topics which I thought was a personal defect rather it is the conditioning, upbringing and life experiences .. Also, helped realise -> setting healthy boundaries is not a selfish act. Thank you dear Doctor 🙌❤️
I really enjoy taking myself out to eat and what not, it has gotten so comfortable that I honestly don't know what I'd do with another person tagging along.
Dear Nicole, excellent! I only hope you could do a serie of videos of each point, to dedicate more time and extend the explanation. Very interesting. Very well summary.
Love your content and explanations. I have a little trouble hearing you with the camera microphone set up far enough away to see the whiteboard. Thank you for your work. Looking forward to what else you'll create.
Hi Lisa! Yes, I noticed there are some issues with the sound. My video guy is going to fix this for the next round of videos. Really appreciate the feedback and hope you stick with me as I figure out the technical issues.
Excellent content. Thank you for using your gift to help others. Very grateful for all you put out there. It’s really life changing work. Keep shining bright you are much needed!
Thank you very much, this is unearthing some really unhealthy ways for me, especially relating to fear of saying no, hence people pleasing behaviour. Peace and love 🙏🌹💛🕊️
But what can I do, when my formerly abusive mother is still in my life (now trying to help me) but doesn't want to see how badly she treated me and blaming others for my mental diseases? She triggers me alot and gives me anxiety, too.
Any advice for how to deal with your whole family not respecting your boundaries, constantly making fun of them or putting you down for them,and collectively acting like you’re the crazy one who needs help? I am in therapy trying to heal from the decades of narcissistic abuse from my mother. This particular family dynamic is so frustrating and toxic. Especially being the scapegoat. I am getting better but I definitely still struggle with not wanting them to think I’m “mean” or worse, “unkind”. I’m trying not to care but there’s so much talk guilt that is hard to get rid of. I’m not perfect and have made mistakes but I am working on everything and am so much better and continue to get better. It’s just hard when my family, whom I used to feel close to, makes fun of me and treats me like I am a bad child (nothing new, I just notice now). The better I get, the harder time they have with me. No one really wants me to heal except me and my husband. It’s infuriating yet I still seem to care what they think to a certain degree.
I recently started following you on instagram and I'm so happy you're doing more in depth videos/explanations. I would love if you could do a video talking more in detail about future self journalling. Can't wait to see your future content :)
I just found this video, thanks so much! How can I incorporate solution #2 (saying no to some family member who needs me) if I have a small child, who always always needs me? My partner rarely home and I feel the burn out, no matter how much I carve out time for myself (I've been doing solution no 3 and 1). Thank you!
Hi Nicole, what if someone says yes because they worried their partner will get angry, how do they deal with saying no and the subsequent reaction? How can one comfort themselves, how should they respond to their partner? And what if children are watching?
About hobbys....... I literally cant remeber anything about my childhood, I remeber a few days from highschool but before 25 I have maybe 10 memories I can remever clearly, so how do I remeber what I liked doing as a kid, or how to find out what I will enjoy now?
So for cultures that have more community focuses than individual focuses their cultural identity concepts will clash with these ideas, although i agree with having boundaries. It would nice have some awareness about how these different social models and frameworks can co exist. Im samoan and traditional pasefika families do have a group think idea happening but it fits in that culture
I find myself having a really really hard time saying no to my big sister... i still finding myself answering all her request because i feel so scared of her reaction or what she will say if I say no.. i feel so insecure about it
I feel like I haven't grown up with even one normal loving safe relationship. my parents are migrants thus my roots and extended family are outside the country I grew up in. my dad was usually around between once a week or going half a year/years missing, now has died. my (single) mom was working from 6am to 8pm or later. Most of my childhood was being locked in the apartment sitting in front the TV. I have no siblings. I feel really sad for me but my now 18 y/o self is trying to get into therapy to work with my already acknowledged bad time bonding with new people or holding up a bond with someone.
I just read some of the comments, and I didn't realize how many people had already commented on the sound, so I'm sorry that I added another one, when you were already fully aware of it!
Not being sarcastic, honestly curious here, are there families that aren’t like this? It seems to me in all the families I’ve been around and in my own that most of these unhealthy dynamics exist.
Interesting. Wish there was another video on the opposite problem, where the family isn't a unit, but everyone to themselves, with no familial interactions. As a child who experienced neglect, I can't relate to either of the models you described. Tho I do love your other videos and always have my pen and paper handy. Thanks!
Nicole! I saw the title and struggled with pressing play, because I knew how pertinent to my life this video would be. I was right! You called me out and showed me exactly how my family dynamic is represented in a unit. They are struggling with me becoming aware of my self, and not fitting the mold they had made for me. I respect and love them, but it is time for me to show up for, respect, and love my self!
"Amen Sista, Amen"
how do you deal with the push back from your family when you start to create those boundaries? My family gets offended, and I end up feeling guilty that I am disappointing them.
Great video! The audio was so low even when raising the volume to 100% so maybe get a mic for future videos 😊
Hi! I actually hired a creator to do this, so I was surprised there was issues with the sound. I spoke with him and everything will be sorted out in upcoming videos. Apologies! Thanks for watching.
The Holistic Psychologist I just rewatched it and now the volume is great, so whatever he did worked.
Thank you for existing. I hug you.
I hug back!
Dr. Nicole! 😍 I see you!! I feel like I am sitting in a classroom eagerly listening to your lecture! Can’t wait til next class! ;)
Ashleigh this made my day! Thank you. Always feel free to reach out if there's ever a 'lesson' you're interested in.
Same here! After watching just one of her videos I now sit down with a journal and pen in hand ready to grow heal and learn!❤️ life changing material thank you Dr. Lepera!
Great information! You are a natural teacher, Dr. Nicole, because you give concrete examples that are easily relatable. I love my alone time and am at a stage in life where I don't mind eating by myself, going to the movies, and even going to the symphony alone.
Hi! Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. It's a beautiful thing to enjoy time with self.
Wow! 31 years old and ONLY now I have a light bulb moment about boundaries, now I understand why lately I have been super triggered! Aaaaaaaah thanks for these videos!! You are AWESOME
What can we do about the guilt of being "myself" ? How not to feel guilt for betraying that "unit"?
Hi there! First we have to understand that there's a reason we feel as though being ourselves betrays the unit. Boundaries are necessary to take space from the unit and find autonomy.
Get INNER CHILD healing sessions
Always super helpful!! So glad I got the email to subscribe to your channel. What I love is that you give examples of what to do and how to start small. A lot of the time I think people struggle with where to start (myself especially) and feeling like something a small as an hour alone isn't "enough" but it is a start... it's simple. Thank you for making self healing less complicated. Very grateful for you 🙏
Hi Stephanie! Thanks so much for making your way over here and for this thoughtful comment. Starting small really is 'the secret' it just takes time to believe it.
I just want to say that these videos are beautifully produced and I LOVE knowing about how you started making videos and how your relationship with your production team (or person) came about.
I really appreciate this!
This is great! Thinking of the 'overconcern for reaction to no' portion, I know my child sometimes will say yes even though she wants to say no ("she will actually tell me: I don't really want to eat this but I will eat it because I know it is healthy and you want me to") I need a little help with this. I say things like: It's okay to be different, Your body belongs to you, It's okay to like different things etc. and allow/encourage her to make many decisions in an effort to give her autonomy and learn she is her own person. I do have to make some decisions for her (I set a boundary). I can't say to her: "it's okay to say no" because sometimes it is not okay to say no. Or maybe I should rephrase it to her? Maybe I can tell her it is okay to let me know how you feel about this and then explain why I am setting a certain boundary? Example: it's bedtime but she does not want to go to bed. If she says, No , I don't want to go to bed. "I understand. You wish you could stay up longer. Tomorrow you will have more time to do xyz." That's what I usually do. I enforce the boundary with empathy. Is that a healthy way of doing so? I think it is easier when it comes to adult relationships.
I feel like a great idea for your problem is to let your daughter know the possible consequences, or even let her experience them. If she doesn't want to sleep early, then maybe let her experience being tired all day. Just a thought, it is good to give your child freedom and let them experience the world, and even the world's cons
Man I wish the audio was better on this one. This is an important topic
OMG I grew up with narcissistic sisters. I still have a hard time being with them. I now know that I will loose myself when I am with them. It's exhausting keeping my own boundaries. It takes days to recover. I am powerless over my past and they resent me for braking free from the family dynamic. Thx for the info.
Such a healer ! thank you for this precious and valuable knowledge you share with us who deeply needs guidance through stuff no one speak about it in a simple and honest way! Bless you
This is so fantastic, I have so much to work on that I never even clocked before watching your videos. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with others, it's truly changing lives!!
This was really great! I especially loved the idea of blurred boundaries in families which was new to me, the definition of boundaries, ways of separating from the unit & protecting energy through the resource check in (your example was exactly what happened to me with my sister). Super helpful 💜
Thank you for this video. I am married into a family that is very much "one" and I feel the pain of being an outsider a lot. My husband and I are in therapy trying to work toward developing boundaries with his family. It has been a major challenge, but I am hopeful that we can create some separation and learn to celebrate our own uniqueness. Thanks again!
@Ja Ma Fer .... This is my second time to view this video after some months and I have to say a few years ago I realized after too many years that my hubbies family us very much "one" in so many aspects. Its suffocating! It took me way too long to realize I had autonomy and rights amongst them. I've started advocating for myself, and my children. Holidays were the biggest issue to overcome...my husband is the youngest of 6.
I love this explanation! You are a natural teacher! Love the resource check-in, definitely going to try that
This is so appreciated. Thank you for watching.
You are my rock, my guide, my idol, my everything that makes me want to be a better person. Everyday I am more and more amazed and impressed by you and your knowledge and your ability to connect with so many as I read your posts and watch your videos.
Thank-you for this video. It is so helpful in maintaining the boundaries I'm trying to create but facing a lot of backlash.
super difficult topic explained very easy und clear…. as usual i love everything was comes from you. …..take care my dear ...ernesto
Hi ernesto!
As always thank you for the support. means a lot.
Thank you, you are bringing much needed and practical awareness to my self care routines and relationships. God bless, you've a healing quality gifted upon you. Keep striding.
Didn’t Realize how prevalent this dynamic was in my family until I left for two years and then came back! Great Video Thank You 🙏
Everything is turned up but yet Im having a hard time hearing. Anyone else?
This happened to me too. I found using the up arrow on my computer worked. Good luck.
really apologize for this. Getting it sorted out for future videos. Thank you for taking the time to watch!
Same :( such a shame because the topic is valuable
I'm so glad I found you doctor ❤️ I feel heard when you address certain topics which I thought was a personal defect rather it is the conditioning, upbringing and life experiences .. Also, helped realise -> setting healthy boundaries is not a selfish act. Thank you dear Doctor 🙌❤️
Lots of good stuff in this video, learning to and breaking these cycles is so important for personal growth. Thank you Nicole.
I really enjoy taking myself out to eat and what not, it has gotten so comfortable that I honestly don't know what I'd do with another person tagging along.
Dear Nicole, excellent! I only hope you could do a serie of videos of each point, to dedicate more time and extend the explanation. Very interesting. Very well summary.
I'll do more on this!
Love your content and explanations. I have a little trouble hearing you with the camera microphone set up far enough away to see the whiteboard. Thank you for your work. Looking forward to what else you'll create.
Hi Lisa! Yes, I noticed there are some issues with the sound. My video guy is going to fix this for the next round of videos. Really appreciate the feedback and hope you stick with me as I figure out the technical issues.
Excellent content. Thank you for using your gift to help others. Very grateful for all you put out there. It’s really life changing work. Keep shining bright you are much needed!
This is gold.
This was so helpful and I’d love to see more about this topic. Thanks! :)
Thank you very much, this is unearthing some really unhealthy ways for me, especially relating to fear of saying no, hence people pleasing behaviour. Peace and love 🙏🌹💛🕊️
But what can I do, when my formerly abusive mother is still in my life (now trying to help me) but doesn't want to see how badly she treated me and blaming others for my mental diseases? She triggers me alot and gives me anxiety, too.
This is so awesome! I look forward to all your videos!!
Thank you Nicole, your work is always appreciated!
Great video!!! Hard to hear but GREAT information!!!
Any advice for how to deal with your whole family not respecting your boundaries, constantly making fun of them or putting you down for them,and collectively acting like you’re the crazy one who needs help? I am in therapy trying to heal from the decades of narcissistic abuse from my mother. This particular family dynamic is so frustrating and toxic. Especially being the scapegoat. I am getting better but I definitely still struggle with not wanting them to think I’m “mean” or worse, “unkind”. I’m trying not to care but there’s so much talk guilt that is hard to get rid of. I’m not perfect and have made mistakes but I am working on everything and am so much better and continue to get better. It’s just hard when my family, whom I used to feel close to, makes fun of me and treats me like I am a bad child (nothing new, I just notice now). The better I get, the harder time they have with me. No one really wants me to heal except me and my husband. It’s infuriating yet I still seem to care what they think to a certain degree.
I recently started following you on instagram and I'm so happy you're doing more in depth videos/explanations. I would love if you could do a video talking more in detail about future self journalling. Can't wait to see your future content :)
hi! Appreciate this feedback. I'll do a future video on this.
LOVE this! Thank you, Dr. Nicole. 🙏🏻❤️
Your content is gold! I wish you had a mic
I just found this video, thanks so much! How can I incorporate solution #2 (saying no to some family member who needs me) if I have a small child, who always always needs me? My partner rarely home and I feel the burn out, no matter how much I carve out time for myself (I've been doing solution no 3 and 1). Thank you!
Im just spellbound by how amazing you are.
I really appreciate your videos. So glad I found your channel.
Sadly I can't hear this and I'm on full volume
Hi Nicole, what if someone says yes because they worried their partner will get angry, how do they deal with saying no and the subsequent reaction? How can one comfort themselves, how should they respond to their partner? And what if children are watching?
Very helpful practical advice! 💛🙏
I'm glad this was helpful!
About hobbys....... I literally cant remeber anything about my childhood, I remeber a few days from highschool but before 25 I have maybe 10 memories I can remever clearly, so how do I remeber what I liked doing as a kid, or how to find out what I will enjoy now?
So for cultures that have more community focuses than individual focuses their cultural identity concepts will clash with these ideas, although i agree with having boundaries. It would nice have some awareness about how these different social models and frameworks can co exist. Im samoan and traditional pasefika families do have a group think idea happening but it fits in that culture
Thank you for these videos
Super super helpful. Thanks!
Hi Just discovered your channel but the sound is really low. I can't really hear you!
I find myself having a really really hard time saying no to my big sister... i still finding myself answering all her request because i feel so scared of her reaction or what she will say if I say no.. i feel so insecure about it
great! very helpful
Thank you for watching!
great work ♥️
I watched your video on 5 types of dysfunctional families and mine were all five . Im so messed up .i feel completely lost.
I am sure the content must be great, but it’s very hard to hear Dr. Nicole. Would it be possible to re-upload this episode with the volume edited up?
I feel like I haven't grown up with even one normal loving safe relationship. my parents are migrants thus my roots and extended family are outside the country I grew up in. my dad was usually around between once a week or going half a year/years missing, now has died. my (single) mom was working from 6am to 8pm or later. Most of my childhood was being locked in the apartment sitting in front the TV. I have no siblings. I feel really sad for me but my now 18 y/o self is trying to get into therapy to work with my already acknowledged bad time bonding with new people or holding up a bond with someone.
Great feedback
This is such a good video but i can barely hear it
Powerful ❤️❤️❤️❤️
You are amazing.
Is this also called enmeshment?
My thoughts too, I came across a Teal Swan video called family enmeshment and I was like 😮
The volume is far too low here versus your 'Future self journaling' video.
Please retake with higher VOLUME
could not hear anything :( new sub
I am watching this in July 25th and I cannot hear it unless I hold it right up to my ear.
I just read some of the comments, and I didn't realize how many people had already commented on the sound, so I'm sorry that I added another one, when you were already fully aware of it!
can't hear this
Not being sarcastic, honestly curious here, are there families that aren’t like this? It seems to me in all the families I’ve been around and in my own that most of these unhealthy dynamics exist.
Sorry Nicole ☹️ this is to quiet 😔 cannot hear what you are saying
Super!!!
Aww can't hear you on this one 😭
Helpful
Thank You
So hard to hear
Can’t hear and can’t read. Quality needs improvement.
hard to hear you :{
Information may have been great, but I couldn't hear it, so it did me no good
Great video! You remind me of Demi Lovato.
Low volume
Terrible sound.
Couldn’t play beyond first minute.
A shame...
WOW
Yes get a mic....
I can't hear you lovely lady! :-(. My volume buttons are right up boo hoo :-(
You are the shit
Interesting. Wish there was another video on the opposite problem, where the family isn't a unit, but everyone to themselves, with no familial interactions. As a child who experienced neglect, I can't relate to either of the models you described.
Tho I do love your other videos and always have my pen and paper handy. Thanks!