My boyfriend and I went SLOW. We had six kids between us and waited a year and half to introduce them. We are one big family now. I understand slow, but SIX YEARS is mind boggling. He isn’t all in. Leave friend. There are other great guys out there who will value you and love you well.
I would wait a year. I would NOT wait 6 years. I understand not wanting your children hurt. I do think if kids are older teens, you can introduce them sooner.
Mary, I dated a man for 7 years who kept his children from meeting me for almost 5. He told me he didn't want to face his ex-wife's drama about him dating again. It was just a way to control the relationship and hurt me, and see how much he could walk all over me.(It also let him play his ex so she would think they might reconcile.) He actually spent Christmas not only with his family and kids, but he made sure to let me know his ex wife would be there for the kids. Eventually she found out about me and I finally met them. I grew to love them over the next couple years but our relationship did not become the fairy tale I thought it would be. He found other ways to hurt and control me and became increasingly angry with me and my kids. There was the beautiful engagement ring he was considering and showed me in the jewelers and showed me the card in his wallet but never bought so I would be disappointed at every occasion. There were times he'd yell at me and throw things around my house because he didn't like how I did or didn't do something in my house. There were the times my family would invite him to a special occasion and he would arrive in worn out t-shirt and jeans because he didn't feel like dressing up. There were the times he would fight with my kids and one moved out because of him. It progressed so much that I started to dread the idea of living with this man. If it was already this bad, I couldn't imagine how much worse it would to be under his roof. Mary, he may stick to his word and marry you, but that doesn't mean it will be the marriage you want. This man has let you be alone and hurt time after time and justifies it with "well I told you so". How can someone who loves you the way you deserve do that year after year? Would you ever do that to someone you loved? I left mine 5 years ago. The kids I grew to love, he wouldn't let us see them without him even though they were teens by this time. Just more control. The lack of drama and not walking on eggshells allows you to exhale and then breath in nice and deep. It's a peace so much better than empty promises and half truths.
@@isay207 Absolutely. I learned many lessons. Some of us have to learn the hard way because we didn't have people to teach us our worth as we were growing up. It's so hard to feel worthy when you were raised in a way that consistently told you that you were not.
Mary, you are precious and so is your child. Find a man who treasures you. You deserve it. Mary love Mary. If you need to do affirmations, hypnosis and do things that message Mary that you love her, do that. Praying for you sis. You can do this!!!
Yes she does! Someone close to me went thru something like this. Ten years wasted. His family knew her but his kids couldn’t meet/know her. Run lady! 😢
When it comes to his minor children, he's allowed to set boundaries with a stranger looking to take on a role as a 2nd mom. She likes to be a victim and is pouting when things went exactly as planned.
This isn't about setting boundaries. This is about control. It's cruel and disrespectful. I'm a therapist and I have never heard of this and I've been in practice for 15 years. She deserves better.
Boundaries are appropriate. For strangers. But this lady has been in his life for a number of years and they are talking marriage and cohabitation. He’s dangling those like carrots behind the perceived goal of his children graduating high school. I bet once that is done the new goal will be they graduate college. Or maybe he’s moving girlee in to help pay his bills so he can afford their college? This woman is known of by them. But he won’t let them meet who is so important to him that he wants to move her in? How will he keep his girlf a secret once he’s moved her in to his house? These are presumably the top most significant people in his life: 1) the children (understandable) 2) the girlfriend After a number of years, if he doesn’t trust either her enough to meet them or them enough to respect her then something is off - about him. They don’t need to be together. What guy wouldn’t want to share the best memories with all the people he loves and risk hurting one to keep her out of holidays? Because he is still married and has zero respect for this girl, that’s why. The apartment he has pics of them up in is a side apartment. He goes to a house with wife, I bet ;o) where the kids live.
And I got $20 that says this side chick isn’t the only one. He probably rotates pictures when she comes so he can get this one over on a few others at the same time. People do some crazy weird stuff.
This woman is terrified of being alone. I feel a deep sadness for her. I pray she tells him a genuine, heartfelt goodbye and goes on a long, happy vacation and sees how fun her life is. Her life is great and can be once she allows it.
Mary ,if you ever read this, please end it. You sound like a wonderful person, and you deserve a good, decent person . If you allow him to move in, this man will continue to disrespect you. He doesn't love you,and he sure as heck doesn't deserve you .He's using you and controlling you. Please move on. He's not good. This is not a good man. Women like you are special ,and so it's time for you to find your happily ever after, sweetheart. This made me cry.
He probably cheated 😆 and his kids have stated they don't wanna meet the woman he cheated with and if they meet her they are gonna realize she never knew
@@danieljohnson4418people dragging children into the world, dragging them through divorce, and then dragging them into their new relationships is the definition of selfish. Believe it or not, no one's gonna die from not getting laid until their kids are out of the house. I was celibate for 11 years and I don't even have kids. Most people don't like themselves enough to be alone for more than 20 minutes, though. My mother lived with 5 different men before I was 18 and my father went through at least a dozen girlfriends. I met all of these randoms. John is a research-oriented person but what do you think the research says about exposing one's children to romantic partners? All he said was the children don't get a choice, like they're just there for the ride and the parents are free to do whatever they want, but the children not having a choice is the very reason a parent needs to make responsible choices, which is what the man in question is doing.
I live in a 55+ HOA. Prior to COVID the guys in our neighborhood would meet for breakfast once a month. All were invited and over time the group grew and evolved. They called themselves the ROMEOs - Real Old Men Eating Out. 😍
first caller: the ex wife of the boyfriend ALLEGEDLY had an affair while he was "on government duty" (so military). She has to believe it, and he makes damn sure she cannot verify.
Mary, my sweet sister friend, you _deserve_ better. Being single and alone is better than being treated this way!!! You deserve someone who delights in you and shows you off to EVERYONE!!! ❤ I hope you leave and learn how to love yourself....
@@RepentImmediately Meeting her doesn't mean that they're fotced to have a relationship with her. It can still be their choice. All they have to do is awknowledge her existance and respect her role as their Father's girlfriend. Those are 2 different things.
@@peterlee584I agree, it's not like his children are small and she moved in. His kids are about grown and should have met this lady years ago. It would not have hurt for them to all go out to eat and meet.
I had a friend in a similar situation. Her bf had so many conditions on integrating her fully into his life. He told her he needed x, y, and z to get married. The goal post continued to move over the years. Then, one day, he decided he was done with her, kicked her out, and was married to another woman within a month. Don't waste your time with men like these, ladies. They are passing time with you until they find someone they actually like.
@@RepentImmediately - I am very happy, fulfilled & comfortable in my own company! Just saying what an irony it is to be WITH someone & feel lonely or alone, when they are right there alongside you, or giving you crumbs, (absent emotionally or otherwise, checked out!) Never settle for lukewarm!
At least being single and lonely can be cured. Your FREE, you can go out with friends or meet people. Can always date and be happy. Being lonely WITH someone, sufficates your soul
Is she sure he's not still married? But, if he isn't married then he has more than one girlfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have a different ringtone for each woman he is dealing with.
My widowed brother took a similar approach to 'serving' others by starting up a 'free ice cream' and lawn games day every 3 weeks during the summer. He now has over 100 neighbors (adults and kids) who attend every event. Once folks understood there 'was no catch', they told others and word traveled. He enjoys the interaction and pulling the neighborhood together. Fantastic !!
Actions speaks louder than words... he's not in love with her..he don't want her to meet his kids because he not planning on staying with her..he van be around her kids but she can't..go n 💕 yourself woman.
Things will not change. You don't need to have a relationship to be happy. You deserve so much more than this. It's not a partnership. He controls everything. Run girl run.
Not every relationship needs to be a partnership. He clearly doesn't need her help raising his kids. They're not married. His boundaries are not control. She expected him to change to meet her desires and he didn't and now she's calling John.
@@RepentImmediately can't believe you said that. It's been 6 years...not 1, not 3, but 6...and he won't even let her be AROUND them. That's a whole lot DIFFERENT thank him needing help "raising" them. Yes, he is being controlling. Or, should I say...he still wants his ex back, (who will NOT take him back) and he doesn't want his kids to see that he is happy with another woman. That's insane after 6 years. If I was her, I'd say "If you want to HIDE me, then buddy, I'll make it REAL EASY for you."
How does anyone think two teenagers are suddenly going to want to live with a lady who will be a stranger to them. Doesn't matter how nice SHE is. He could have introduced her to his children over a couple of years.
@@RepentImmediatelyOh there is plenty of us intelligent women who get married. We get married to quality men and know marriage takes work and intentionality from both sides.
Its just like John Delony says all the “Behavior is a language” when a man says something BELIEVE IT! I thought my ex would change and he didnt we lasted 22 yrs and we were done, they only change for themselves not being pressured into it.
Oh, my heart. When she said she grew up in foster care my heart broke. It makes sense. She doesn’t believe she’s worth a full time family. But Mary, you ARE. You are worth the whole package and worth being loved by his kids the way his family loves you. You can leave and find real love with a real man.
Dr. John's suggestion of hosting a neighborhood cook out or something is an EXCELLENT suggestion. When a very young couple moved to our street, they did exactly what Dr. John is suggesting. And they kept it simple, too! The invites were printed off of their printer, two invites to a page. The invite stated the date, time, and address for a "summer kick off" gathering. We've been doing this every year since.
I also went thru this....basically I concluded my ex didn't think I was worthy of being around his children. like a bad person, bad influence, ex wife controlling him. It hurt me very deeply. I finally gave up.
“I’m wife material.” Thinking about herself in those term is so sad. She’s trying to prove that she has value by publicly attaching herself to this weak, controlling man. But if we’re talking about “material”, he’s not husband material. Why would anyone want to spend time with this jerk? I hope she can find the strength to let go of this freak.
I’ve known two women years apart in a similar predicament. Each of them came to work with a black eye with the following stories: I was in a car wreck, I fell off a fence. The common thread? They were focused on marrying regardless!
I ended it with a guy who wouldn't let me meet his kids after 6 months because he wasn't ready for something serious. I'm not wasting anymore time on someone. It was fun but I deserve more than that.
I am sure you made the right decision. But I am of the school of thought that it is not fair to children to meet dating partners unless the idea of marriage is established. I have seen too many children become attached to girlfriends and boyfriends and be heartbroken when a breakup occurs. It is very hard on them. Both of my daughters have dated single dads but would not consider meeting the children because the relationship was not serious. My oldest daughter also loves children and fears she might stay in a relationship because she is fond of the child. She stayed in her marriage longer than she should have because she became attached to his nephew. There are lots of ways to look at it. Obviously I believe you knew the underlying message, and made the right decision.
@@lilolmecjA grown man should know within 6 months is that is the woman he is going to marry… TBH he should be paying more attention to her as a person and know well before then. This is just insane all of it… Nobody is saying girlfriends should be fully immersed in the life of some man’s kids. He wants free and consistent sec, control and to now worry about anything. If he loved her and he planned to marry her they would be married already. The only reason not to bring someone around your kids is if you don’t think they would be a good mom or you don’t plan to… In which case why is she being kept around?
@ I don’t disagree, especially a man with children. But after a divorce many people will question their ability to judge people/ situations. I personally would not have dated a single parent, it is just too complicated.
If a man truly loves you and cares about you, everything would fall into place naturally. He would become fully committed to you, let you into his life including you meeting his children. When it is so hard like this, he is just not into you. Please walk away, you are just wasting your youthful years in him. Nothing will change. They are just empty words and promises. He will drag this out endlessly. It is OK to be single than to be put thru heartbreak and disappointments, with your youth slipping by.
LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE HIM... NOW! There is something not right with that man! It could be that he's just a control freak or he could be a serial killer! My point is that this is FAR away from normal and whatever the reason, it's not good and you're not going to want to find out! Leave, block him, say goodbye to his family, change your locks!
Dearest Mary! The following is said with utter kindness, although it's the hard truth and hurts. You are doormatting! You have no power in your relationship, no input, no sayso - and it's not going to change after you move in [if he doesn't dump you first as you get closer to the "do" date], or by gosh - even get married. If you are okay with that - by all means, proceed. Don't complain about being second best though, an afterthought or that things don't seem to change after you got even deeper in with this man. He's an extremely domineering man, probably a very masculine man that makes you feel safe when you are around him, otherwise you might not have put up with this crap for that long. I'm sure he gets things done, and taken a lot of your worries off the table in other regards over the years, and that can be a powerful draw for a woman who feels lacking and wants to be wallowing in her feminine. But being feminine does not equate with letting yourself treated like a doormat, or a pet. The question you should be asking yourself - is what else do you not know about him???
I think it depends on ages of children. When my kids were small, I took a long time. When my kids were teenagers and old enough to understand dating, I introduced them sooner.
The journal idea would be amazing. My husband and I are on a path to reconciliation after a 14 month separation, and we're having a whole lot of these conversations. It would be cool to have that all in one place for us.
Mary, you are worth so much more than how this man is treating you. Don't move in unless he marries you FIRST. You have sacrificed a lot, and he has gotten everything he wanted. I would have broken up with him a long time ago, because I wouldn't be able to handle being pushed off like this. If you want to make it work though, you need to assert your needs and boundaries
I would understand not meeting kids for about a year of dating because you don’t know how serious you’ll get in the beginning and it might be hard for kids to adjust, but for many years I’ll just feel hidden and that he’s hiding something
We’ve done check ins since we first got married. I simply looked up a ton of questions & therapy guided conversations & we are happy/in love. I highly recommend asking “do we like each other?” once a year
John nailed it. This guy keeping his life broken up into isolated compartments is disturbing. What other compartments does he have that she doesn’t know about?
He wants the kids to have a choice in who they have a relationship with; why is respecting his children so awful? He owes his commitment to THEM, not her.
@@RepentImmediately They need to just break up because clearly he’s hiding something.He doesn’t want her to meet his kids and she wants to meet them after 6 years.They don’t have the same values so they should break up.
Getting a group of our church guys together at our local Jimmy's Egg every Tuesday for breakfast is what my husband did to help the guys to get to know each other better. It's been great for them.
Mary is Co-Dependant, and Co-Dependants attract Narcissistic abusera. Mary needs therapy to learn to draw boundaries, self love, and not tolerate emotional abuse. Mary DON'T MOVE IN with this man, get therapy and end the relationship
Mary needs to realize the kids come first, that dad was correct to not have the hussy move in, and leave his kids with no choice in the matter. 🎉KUDOS🎉 to him, and shame on John for siding with the hussy! Its so sad how peoples thinking has become so twisted these days. 😮
I have 2 friends that were in a similar situation as this woman, but they ended their relationship after around 2 yrs. Their ex-boyfriends met their children while they were in a relationship, but they refused to introduce their children to them. This may be more common than you think.
Mary, I hope you didn't move in with this man who's wasted 6 years of your life. Please seek therapy to help you build up your self esteem and please leave the jerk immediately. He's not worth it.
Sending my support to Dean. Very cool of him to reach out for help. My Dad did not have any close male friends and depended on Mom and us kids for connection. Real shame since he was a great guy and should have had male friends to hang out with. Wishing you great success Dean!
I’m wondering if she realizes she could be the other woman…I’m wondering if he’s still married, she’s the mistress & she has no idea. That’s why he doesn’t want his kids around her bc then they’ll go tell their mom that dad is cheating & he’ll get in a lot of trouble, losing control over the little worlds he’s built.
The family knows about her though -- they're aware of each other on FB, and the family specially invited her to a family funeral despite her boyfriend's wishes, so he's probably not still married.
This! Exactly. I think he's still seeing the mother of his kids. That's why he won't introduce the caller to his kids. He was with the kids and their mother on holidays. I think in May when it comes to her move in date, he will have an excuse for her not to. This is very shady and he's hiding something.
I hope you make the couples notebook! I wish my parents would’ve had something like this for me to look back on. I’d love to do this in my future marriage.
Thought the guy was in the wrong at first, but she conveniently left out that he told her on the FIRST DATE this was how it's gonna go. Why would you assume he's lying on the first date?
@@lucindastigall1636 That's fair, but when feeling cared about/her needs are that he does something he said he wouldn't do on the first date, then it's also not fair to the guy being honest/transparent on the first date about how he had envisioned the relationship to look like
I'm going to make a guess that her boyfriend didn't want the kids ratting him out that he was seeing other ladies. I think she was the last one standing, the rest bailed, and now she can move in.
Many many years ago a guy in uni accommodation along from me put a sign in his window. "FREE TEA AND BISCUITS FOR GIRLIES". I don't know if he had any takers but it made a good talking point and we all sat out on our stoops having a laugh. Forty five years on and he works with my brother! 🤣
What is she not understanding? If he loved her and wanted to marry her, he would have married her already. The fact that he still chose to hide her from his kids for over SIX years says he does not love her. If he did he would not be hiding behind his children.
I love me some, Dr. John! If he doesn’t do ANYTHING, he’s gonna tell it like it is! These callers can either listen or continue to live in misery! Choose wisely! 🤷🏽♀️
I don't care what anybody says I'm not giving up on my relationship my grandparents didn't give up on each other and they were together and married for 44 years so I'm not giving up on mine
Dr Laura has taught this. Single parents don't remarry until kids are no longer minors. A girlfriend is just someone to date on the side in kid-free time until kids are moved out. If she has agreed to do this for 6 years I'm not sure why she's questioning it now that he is ready to integrate her
yes, that would be fine in a way, but his family know about her, they invited her to a funeral? and she tells him that she is lonely on Christmas, but he cannot CALL her...? That is what reads weird, like he is making sure to her that she is not only not number one, but that he does not careening to make an effort. so, it might have even started for the kids, but I think because she went with it without conditions he might have lost respect. or he just was in for the controll from the very beginning...
On a positive note with the 66-year old man doesn't have any real friends. Church groups or "men's groups" could be great for him. Meeting the neighbors sounds like a fantastic plan! Wishing you the best my brother!
Man Dean I wish you lived closer to Me in Utah or I lived closer to you in Dallas because I too have a hard time finding true friends. In a man's world it's hard to find friends and even more so a friend who wants to talk deeper. Sorry man I feel bad for you. I get it!
I went through the same thing for almost 5 years and after seeing a therapist I issued him an ultimatum. “Would you prefer to let me meet your kids or have me walk away”. He gave me the silent treatment so I walked. Years later we are still friends and he has told me many times he knows he messed up and it was due to his own issues around being abandoned by his father. He’s a great guy and many people in my life think I should go back to him but those holidays and company parties where I was alone are seared into my memory. The resentment from him never considering my needs would never allow me to start fresh. Unlike the caller he didn’t tell me in the beginning it would always stay that way. The big lesson for me in that relationship was don’t stay for potentially how good it could be, it has to be GREAT in the present!
Not okay. I introduced my husband to my son early ( as a friend) just so they both got a feel for each other. I chose to wait a few months to meet my husband’s kids so we were already madly in love when I realized how difficult they/the ex would be. We navigated through it but I definitely recommend knowing your situation early . I don’t know why this woman is settling for this guy’s response.
This 1000% describes my situation. Accept my guy has grown children. In 2 years he has not introduced me to his son (22) who lives with him part time. I think I just saw my future. Even her childhood story. Damn. What a bummer to hear it from a perspective that I needed to hear but did not want to face.
You should be glad, instead of bummed, that you've realised what situation you're in, so you don't have to waste any more of your one life on this man.
Caller #1 - needs self esteem she has built little to part of her own self. To date someone for 6 yrs, never met their kids or spend a holiday together for 6 years. Now, she is moving in with this man giving up more of her independence meaning if things don't work out her can just kick her out at any time 😢 Caller #2. .Do not place a sign in your yard saying I'm lonely 😅.. I do believe John's advice to see a counselor is awesome. Definitely see someone and talk to them , also look into senior centers lots of them have events such as bingo, morning workouts etc... Finding a friend group gets harder the older we get but it's not impossible join groups of interest
By the sound of her responses, It sounds like the woman stayed in a wierd relationship is going to stay with him no matter what. The guy looking for "real friends" - I found most of my deep meaningful friendships through a church group. Connect with others who are like minded and/or have the same interests. A good neighbor is can also be great support. I agree, he will need to make the first step.
That first call…..my gosh….I’ve never heard of this scenario before. 6 years and never met the children….like what the? There’s a lot more to that scenario. This lady is absolutely crazy for doing this for 6 years. NUTS!
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
Mary is more lonely in her relationship than most people that are alone.
These are the exact words someone I know spoke over her situation after getting out of this same kind of relationship after TEN years!!
Yes!! I know this too well… lonely, “with” someone is the worst thing.
He is an abusive cold control freak . Scary to move in with him . Even his family do not think that it is right .
Thats her decision. They have a Living Apart Together relationship. She can do what she wants in her own time.
Yeah seriously so sad
Don’t move in! He’s not going to marry you!! You have wasted enough of your life with this person!!! 😢
My boyfriend and I went SLOW. We had six kids between us and waited a year and half to introduce them. We are one big family now. I understand slow, but SIX YEARS is mind boggling. He isn’t all in. Leave friend. There are other great guys out there who will value you and love you well.
a year and a half is not bad. It is not like 6 years. You did it right
I would wait a year. I would NOT wait 6 years.
I understand not wanting your children hurt. I do think if kids are older teens, you can introduce them sooner.
Mary, I dated a man for 7 years who kept his children from meeting me for almost 5. He told me he didn't want to face his ex-wife's drama about him dating again. It was just a way to control the relationship and hurt me, and see how much he could walk all over me.(It also let him play his ex so she would think they might reconcile.)
He actually spent Christmas not only with his family and kids, but he made sure to let me know his ex wife would be there for the kids. Eventually she found out about me and I finally met them. I grew to love them over the next couple years but our relationship did not become the fairy tale I thought it would be. He found other ways to hurt and control me and became increasingly angry with me and my kids. There was the beautiful engagement ring he was considering and showed me in the jewelers and showed me the card in his wallet but never bought so I would be disappointed at every occasion. There were times he'd yell at me and throw things around my house because he didn't like how I did or didn't do something in my house. There were the times my family would invite him to a special occasion and he would arrive in worn out t-shirt and jeans because he didn't feel like dressing up. There were the times he would fight with my kids and one moved out because of him. It progressed so much that I started to dread the idea of living with this man. If it was already this bad, I couldn't imagine how much worse it would to be under his roof.
Mary, he may stick to his word and marry you, but that doesn't mean it will be the marriage you want. This man has let you be alone and hurt time after time and justifies it with "well I told you so". How can someone who loves you the way you deserve do that year after year? Would you ever do that to someone you loved?
I left mine 5 years ago. The kids I grew to love, he wouldn't let us see them without him even though they were teens by this time. Just more control.
The lack of drama and not walking on eggshells allows you to exhale and then breath in nice and deep. It's a peace so much better than empty promises and half truths.
I hope to God that she reads this
What a roller-coaster you went through. Stay strong.
God it sounds horrible
When someone shows you who they are believe them
@@isay207 Absolutely. I learned many lessons. Some of us have to learn the hard way because we didn't have people to teach us our worth as we were growing up. It's so hard to feel worthy when you were raised in a way that consistently told you that you were not.
Im living nearly the same thing. Its been 2 years for me and 2 days ago I decided that I've had enough. I'm sick of being breadcrumbed.
Good for you! Even if the "man" you left offers to do better, don't believe him. He's shown you his lack of respect and empathy.
So relatable
You’re a single mother deal with it you should be happy another man is willing to put up with you
@@ARBets23Ridiculous comment! Grow up .
Mary, you are precious and so is your child. Find a man who treasures you. You deserve it. Mary love Mary. If you need to do affirmations, hypnosis and do things that message Mary that you love her, do that. Praying for you sis. You can do this!!!
She needs to leave this man immediately, like sprinting away from him.
Yes she does! Someone close to me went thru something like this. Ten years wasted. His family knew her but his kids couldn’t meet/know her. Run lady! 😢
@dabd8175 nobody is going to force you to get married dude, nobody is going to give you cooties
@dabd8175 He has his way, and he wouldn't know better if he were shown.
YES
Yes, and don't look back
Don't stay just because you've invested 6 years in this relationship. It's not a relationship.
This guy exhibits weird and sneaky behavior. I agree with Dr. John that he's likely hiding a lot of other things from her as well.
He's controlling and will make her life a living hell which she should know by now.
When it comes to his minor children, he's allowed to set boundaries with a stranger looking to take on a role as a 2nd mom. She likes to be a victim and is pouting when things went exactly as planned.
This isn't about setting boundaries. This is about control. It's cruel and disrespectful. I'm a therapist and I have never heard of this and I've been in practice for 15 years. She deserves better.
Boundaries are appropriate. For strangers. But this lady has been in his life for a number of years and they are talking marriage and cohabitation.
He’s dangling those like carrots behind the perceived goal of his children graduating high school.
I bet once that is done the new goal will be they graduate college. Or maybe he’s moving girlee in to help pay his bills so he can afford their college?
This woman is known of by them. But he won’t let them meet who is so important to him that he wants to move her in? How will he keep his girlf a secret once he’s moved her in to his house?
These are presumably the top most significant people in his life:
1) the children (understandable)
2) the girlfriend
After a number of years, if he doesn’t trust either her enough to meet them or them enough to respect her then something is off - about him.
They don’t need to be together.
What guy wouldn’t want to share the best memories with all the people he loves and risk hurting one to keep her out of holidays?
Because he is still married and has zero respect for this girl, that’s why. The apartment he has pics of them up in is a side apartment. He goes to a house with wife, I bet ;o) where the kids live.
And I got $20 that says this side chick isn’t the only one. He probably rotates pictures when she comes so he can get this one over on a few others at the same time.
People do some crazy weird stuff.
This woman is terrified of being alone. I feel a deep sadness for her. I pray she tells him a genuine, heartfelt goodbye and goes on a long, happy vacation and sees how fun her life is. Her life is great and can be once she allows it.
Mary ,if you ever read this, please end it. You sound like a wonderful person, and you deserve a good, decent person . If you allow him to move in, this man will continue to disrespect you. He doesn't love you,and he sure as heck doesn't deserve you .He's using you and controlling you. Please move on. He's not good. This is not a good man. Women like you are special ,and so it's time for you to find your happily ever after, sweetheart. This made me cry.
The main point is that he KNOWS this hurts you and continues to do it…he doesn’t care about your feelings and his are coming first…
He probably cheated 😆 and his kids have stated they don't wanna meet the woman he cheated with and if they meet her they are gonna realize she never knew
Conversely, I would argue the world needs more men like him. He set and maintained a boundary. He did not waiver and capitulate to her feelings.
Are you sure his children's feelings aren't coming first? Single parents shouldn't even be dating.
@@RepentImmediately: Is that you, Dr. Laura? 🤔
@@danieljohnson4418people dragging children into the world, dragging them through divorce, and then dragging them into their new relationships is the definition of selfish. Believe it or not, no one's gonna die from not getting laid until their kids are out of the house. I was celibate for 11 years and I don't even have kids. Most people don't like themselves enough to be alone for more than 20 minutes, though. My mother lived with 5 different men before I was 18 and my father went through at least a dozen girlfriends. I met all of these randoms. John is a research-oriented person but what do you think the research says about exposing one's children to romantic partners? All he said was the children don't get a choice, like they're just there for the ride and the parents are free to do whatever they want, but the children not having a choice is the very reason a parent needs to make responsible choices, which is what the man in question is doing.
I live in a 55+ HOA. Prior to COVID the guys in our neighborhood would meet for breakfast once a month. All were invited and over time the group grew and evolved. They called themselves the ROMEOs - Real Old Men Eating Out. 😍
first caller: the ex wife of the boyfriend ALLEGEDLY had an affair while he was "on government duty" (so military). She has to believe it, and he makes damn sure she cannot verify.
Mary, my sweet sister friend, you _deserve_ better. Being single and alone is better than being treated this way!!! You deserve someone who delights in you and shows you off to EVERYONE!!! ❤
I hope you leave and learn how to love yourself....
Single parents have no business dating.
Eeeeeven "if" he marries you, the fact that he has sooo many CONDITIONS, rings MAJOR alarm bells!! RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!
The condition that his children aren't forced to have a relationship with her?
@@RepentImmediately Meeting her doesn't mean that they're fotced to have a relationship with her. It can still be their choice. All they have to do is awknowledge her existance and respect her role as their Father's girlfriend. Those are 2 different things.
The very BEST gift a controlling toxic person can give you....is NOT being with you.
@@peterlee584I agree, it's not like his children are small and she moved in.
His kids are about grown and should have met this lady years ago. It would not have hurt for them to all go out to eat and meet.
I had a friend in a similar situation. Her bf had so many conditions on integrating her fully into his life. He told her he needed x, y, and z to get married. The goal post continued to move over the years. Then, one day, he decided he was done with her, kicked her out, and was married to another woman within a month. Don't waste your time with men like these, ladies. They are passing time with you until they find someone they actually like.
I can be lonely all by myself!! I'd rather be ALONE & lonely, than WITH someone, and lonely "INSIDE" the relationship!!
People who like themselves don't get lonely when they're alone.
@@RepentImmediately - I am very happy, fulfilled & comfortable in my own company! Just saying what an irony it is to be WITH someone & feel lonely or alone, when they are right there alongside you, or giving you crumbs, (absent emotionally or otherwise, checked out!) Never settle for lukewarm!
At least being single and lonely can be cured. Your FREE, you can go out with friends or meet people. Can always date and be happy.
Being lonely WITH someone, sufficates your soul
@@RepentImmediately I disagree. We're naturally social creatures and can get lonely if we spend too much time alone.
Exactly how I feel I’d rather be alone than to settle for less
He doesn’t want his kids being confused about his other girlfriends so he probably keeps all his girlfriends at arms length.
He may well have other girlfriends . He won’t even take a phone call .
For six years?!?!
I agree , he must have several women In his life. He's never going to marry her.
Is she sure he's not still married? But, if he isn't married then he has more than one girlfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have a different ringtone for each woman he is dealing with.
I think he has supervised supervision but too embarrassed to say why🤔
Now that they turn 18, they can meet❓️🥴
My widowed brother took a similar approach to 'serving' others by starting up a 'free ice cream' and lawn games day every 3 weeks during the summer. He now has over 100 neighbors (adults and kids) who attend every event. Once folks understood there 'was no catch', they told others and word traveled. He enjoys the interaction and pulling the neighborhood together. Fantastic !!
Actions speaks louder than words... he's not in love with her..he don't want her to meet his kids because he not planning on staying with her..he van be around her kids but she can't..go n 💕 yourself woman.
Things will not change. You don't need to have a relationship to be happy. You deserve so much more than this. It's not a partnership. He controls everything. Run girl run.
Not every relationship needs to be a partnership. He clearly doesn't need her help raising his kids. They're not married. His boundaries are not control. She expected him to change to meet her desires and he didn't and now she's calling John.
@@RepentImmediately. Right on point
@@RepentImmediately can't believe you said that. It's been 6 years...not 1, not 3, but 6...and he won't even let her be AROUND them. That's a whole lot DIFFERENT thank him needing help "raising" them. Yes, he is being controlling. Or, should I say...he still wants his ex back, (who will NOT take him back) and he doesn't want his kids to see that he is happy with another woman. That's insane after 6 years. If I was her, I'd say "If you want to HIDE me, then buddy, I'll make it REAL EASY for you."
@@RepentImmediatelyExactly. Maybe that's why it was hard for John to answer her question.😊
My job, homestead, family and friends bring me much more joy than a toxic man could.
How does anyone think two teenagers are suddenly going to want to live with a lady who will be a stranger to them. Doesn't matter how nice SHE is. He could have introduced her to his children over a couple of years.
She has been waiting on this man for 6 years and she is willing to give him an additional year to marry her. She is awfully generous.
Awfully 🥲
Unreasonably.
6 years!!!!! Oh hell no!!
I am just shaking my head over this.
Do not settle ...you need to live your life now and not wait. Life us short!!
It doesn’t even sound like he spent a portion of the holidays with her. She’s just a convenience to him. Pease don’t uproot your life.
His family loves this woman more than he does
6 years together and not married and had to beg to attend a funeral
I personally am not going to waste 6+ years on somebody whose life I can’t be a part of. people make weird choices…
Smart women don't get married.
@@RepentImmediately smart women don’t date.
@@RepentImmediatelyOh there is plenty of us intelligent women who get married. We get married to quality men and know marriage takes work and intentionality from both sides.
He has lost respect for her
That dude is shady af, and is manipulating her. He’s definitely hiding something from her. She’s living in a fantasy. I would RUN from that dude!
Its just like John Delony says all the “Behavior is a language” when a man says something BELIEVE IT! I thought my ex would change and he didnt we lasted 22 yrs and we were done, they only change for themselves not being pressured into it.
Don't pick a fixer upper it doesn't work find one that works
Oh, my heart. When she said she grew up in foster care my heart broke. It makes sense. She doesn’t believe she’s worth a full time family. But Mary, you ARE. You are worth the whole package and worth being loved by his kids the way his family loves you. You can leave and find real love with a real man.
Dr. John's suggestion of hosting a neighborhood cook out or something is an EXCELLENT suggestion. When a very young couple moved to our street, they did exactly what Dr. John is suggesting. And they kept it simple, too! The invites were printed off of their printer, two invites to a page. The invite stated the date, time, and address for a "summer kick off" gathering. We've been doing this every year since.
I also went thru this....basically I concluded my ex didn't think I was worthy of being around his children. like a bad person, bad influence, ex wife controlling him. It hurt me very deeply. I finally gave up.
“I’m wife material.” Thinking about herself in those term is so sad. She’s trying to prove that she has value by publicly attaching herself to this weak, controlling man. But if we’re talking about “material”, he’s not husband material. Why would anyone want to spend time with this jerk? I hope she can find the strength to let go of this freak.
She needs to say, "I need to married before I move in. "
that gives her the answer upfront.
To Mary in a 6 year relationship with a single??? Father. What is going on with YOUR kids? How will they factor in if you move in with this jerk,?
I’ve known two women years apart in a similar predicament. Each of them came to work with a black eye with the following stories: I was in a car wreck, I fell off a fence. The common thread? They were focused on marrying regardless!
Don’t sell your house…don’t move in together…until he is completely honest with you
Is he even divorced????
I ended it with a guy who wouldn't let me meet his kids after 6 months because he wasn't ready for something serious. I'm not wasting anymore time on someone. It was fun but I deserve more than that.
I am sure you made the right decision. But I am of the school of thought that it is not fair to children to meet dating partners unless the idea of marriage is established. I have seen too many children become attached to girlfriends and boyfriends and be heartbroken when a breakup occurs. It is very hard on them. Both of my daughters have dated single dads but would not consider meeting the children because the relationship was not serious. My oldest daughter also loves children and fears she might stay in a relationship because she is fond of the child. She stayed in her marriage longer than she should have because she became attached to his nephew. There are lots of ways to look at it. Obviously I believe you knew the underlying message, and made the right decision.
An adult with kids is not ready for anything serious 😂😂
@@lilolmecjA grown man should know within 6 months is that is the woman he is going to marry… TBH he should be paying more attention to her as a person and know well before then. This is just insane all of it… Nobody is saying girlfriends should be fully immersed in the life of some man’s kids. He wants free and consistent sec, control and to now worry about anything. If he loved her and he planned to marry her they would be married already. The only reason not to bring someone around your kids is if you don’t think they would be a good mom or you don’t plan to… In which case why is she being kept around?
@ I don’t disagree, especially a man with children. But after a divorce many people will question their ability to judge people/ situations. I personally would not have dated a single parent, it is just too complicated.
If a man truly loves you and cares about you, everything would fall into place naturally. He would become fully committed to you, let you into his life including you meeting his children. When it is so hard like this, he is just not into you. Please walk away, you are just wasting your youthful years in him. Nothing will change. They are just empty words and promises. He will drag this out endlessly. It is OK to be single than to be put thru heartbreak and disappointments, with your youth slipping by.
His responsibility is to be fully committed to his kids. She's in second place which is her proper position.
LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE HIM... NOW! There is something not right with that man! It could be that he's just a control freak or he could be a serial killer! My point is that this is FAR away from normal and whatever the reason, it's not good and you're not going to want to find out! Leave, block him, say goodbye to his family, change your locks!
Dearest Mary! The following is said with utter kindness, although it's the hard truth and hurts. You are doormatting! You have no power in your relationship, no input, no sayso - and it's not going to change after you move in [if he doesn't dump you first as you get closer to the "do" date], or by gosh - even get married. If you are okay with that - by all means, proceed. Don't complain about being second best though, an afterthought or that things don't seem to change after you got even deeper in with this man. He's an extremely domineering man, probably a very masculine man that makes you feel safe when you are around him, otherwise you might not have put up with this crap for that long. I'm sure he gets things done, and taken a lot of your worries off the table in other regards over the years, and that can be a powerful draw for a woman who feels lacking and wants to be wallowing in her feminine. But being feminine does not equate with letting yourself treated like a doormat, or a pet. The question you should be asking yourself - is what else do you not know about him???
The man is "clever" and he's playing his cards. He's using the one thing most women are obsessed with (marriage) as a dangling carrot to get his way.
Exactly!
I bet his kids don't know about this lady. Most young adults would ask to meet someone their parent was dating a long time.
6 years??? No ma’am you’re the side piece.
She is 😂😂😂
He doesn't have nobody on the side she said that his ex-wife cheated on him while he was on active duty
He's not that into you. 😮
I'm rooting for you, Dean! 💚
6 years is crazy. I'm a single dad and if I date a girl for 6 months she is meeting my kid.
Bro hiding something
How many women have you introduced to your child?
Maybe he doesn’t want to expose his kids to stepshit.
6 months is too soon.
I think it depends on ages of children.
When my kids were small, I took a long time.
When my kids were teenagers and old enough to understand dating, I introduced them sooner.
6 months?? If kids are small, it’s a torture. And I disagree 100%.
Not surprised the world is as it now.
The journal idea would be amazing. My husband and I are on a path to reconciliation after a 14 month separation, and we're having a whole lot of these conversations. It would be cool to have that all in one place for us.
Mary, you are worth so much more than how this man is treating you. Don't move in unless he marries you FIRST. You have sacrificed a lot, and he has gotten everything he wanted. I would have broken up with him a long time ago, because I wouldn't be able to handle being pushed off like this. If you want to make it work though, you need to assert your needs and boundaries
I would understand not meeting kids for about a year of dating because you don’t know how serious you’ll get in the beginning and it might be hard for kids to adjust, but for many years I’ll just feel hidden and that he’s hiding something
I fully support the Marriage Check-In book!!! Please make one John!!
We’ve done check ins since we first got married. I simply looked up a ton of questions & therapy guided conversations & we are happy/in love. I highly recommend asking “do we like each other?” once a year
how would you take it of they said no? And would someone really admit it?
Mary. Break up with this dude, now or you’ll be more than sorry. You are worthy of respect. He will not change. It’ll be a nightmare.
John nailed it. This guy keeping his life broken up into isolated compartments is disturbing. What other compartments does he have that she doesn’t know about?
I understand people not wanting their partners to meet their kids but 6 years is way too long.He’s hiding something or maybe still married.
He wants the kids to have a choice in who they have a relationship with; why is respecting his children so awful? He owes his commitment to THEM, not her.
@@RepentImmediately Are you him? You're coming to his defense over and over and dissing her. Or are you dating him too?
@@RepentImmediately They need to just break up because clearly he’s hiding something.He doesn’t want her to meet his kids and she wants to meet them after 6 years.They don’t have the same values so they should break up.
He may even have other women on the side. That could be what he's hiding.
@@mish375 I definitely believe it’s other women and he knows his kids may innocently expose him.
Getting a group of our church guys together at our local Jimmy's Egg every Tuesday for breakfast is what my husband did to help the guys to get to know each other better. It's been great for them.
Yes, please create a journal for marriages. You are amazing. Thank you for all of your wisdom.
He pretty much told her he was crazy on the first date and she willingly continued the relationship. I agree with John. This is on her.
Mary is Co-Dependant, and Co-Dependants attract Narcissistic abusera. Mary needs therapy to learn to draw boundaries, self love, and not tolerate emotional abuse. Mary DON'T MOVE IN with this man, get therapy and end the relationship
Mary needs to realize the kids come first, that dad was correct to not have the hussy move in, and leave his kids with no choice in the matter. 🎉KUDOS🎉 to him, and shame on John for siding with the hussy! Its so sad how peoples thinking has become so twisted these days. 😮
@@HeidisHereAndTherehe is a hussy, too. He was sleeping with a woman for 6 years.
YES!
Exactly.
He’s either married and/or involved with a number of women, and he doesn’t want his worlds to collide.
Leave him! It won’t get better!
I have 2 friends that were in a similar situation as this woman, but they ended their relationship after around 2 yrs. Their ex-boyfriends met their children while they were in a relationship, but they refused to introduce their children to them. This may be more common than you think.
Mary, I hope you didn't move in with this man who's wasted 6 years of your life. Please seek therapy to help you build up your self esteem and please leave the jerk immediately. He's not worth it.
Sending my support to Dean. Very cool of him to reach out for help. My Dad did not have any close male friends and depended on Mom and us kids for connection. Real shame since he was a great guy and should have had male friends to hang out with. Wishing you great success Dean!
I’m wondering if she realizes she could be the other woman…I’m wondering if he’s still married, she’s the mistress & she has no idea. That’s why he doesn’t want his kids around her bc then they’ll go tell their mom that dad is cheating & he’ll get in a lot of trouble, losing control over the little worlds he’s built.
That’s exactly what I was thinking 😊
The family knows about her though -- they're aware of each other on FB, and the family specially invited her to a family funeral despite her boyfriend's wishes, so he's probably not still married.
This! Exactly. I think he's still seeing the mother of his kids. That's why he won't introduce the caller to his kids. He was with the kids and their mother on holidays. I think in May when it comes to her move in date, he will have an excuse for her not to. This is very shady and he's hiding something.
He’s afraid of his ex wife making his life miserable.. that’s why!
Just like a plot for a movie on Lifetime.. a true event but names have been changed... .
I hope you make the couples notebook! I wish my parents would’ve had something like this for me to look back on. I’d love to do this in my future marriage.
Thought the guy was in the wrong at first, but she conveniently left out that he told her on the FIRST DATE this was how it's gonna go. Why would you assume he's lying on the first date?
Finally someone who actually gets it 😂 been looking for a comment that made sender
She's allowed to figure out sometime after the first date that he doesn't care about her feelings and meeting her needs.
@@lucindastigall1636 That's fair, but when feeling cared about/her needs are that he does something he said he wouldn't do on the first date, then it's also not fair to the guy being honest/transparent on the first date about how he had envisioned the relationship to look like
This is a power issue covered as protecting his children. Power issues don't change.
Whatever his deal is, it’s not good for you, Mary. He knows that the situation hurts you and doesn’t seem to care.
Mary is also going to wait another year to get married after moving in with her boyfriend. WHY?
Heard of it, lived with it. Ended it. Definitely happens. He wouldn’t talk about past or anything personal especially kids!
I'm going to make a guess that her boyfriend didn't want the kids ratting him out that he was seeing other ladies. I think she was the last one standing, the rest bailed, and now she can move in.
Hard truth! been binge watching new subscriber and you really tell these people what they already know deep down inside but wont admit to themselves.
First lady is so sad. Why would she even want to marry him ??? Counseling would go a long way. You teach people how to treat you. Run!
I love the Analogies Dr John uses 👍👍
Many many years ago a guy in uni accommodation along from me put a sign in his window. "FREE TEA AND BISCUITS FOR GIRLIES". I don't know if he had any takers but it made a good talking point and we all sat out on our stoops having a laugh. Forty five years on and he works with my brother! 🤣
The fact you are asking is your answer
Its your intuition telling you is not the ONE
Dale Carnegie's book also! How to Win Friends and Influence People.
What is she not understanding? If he loved her and wanted to marry her, he would have married her already. The fact that he still chose to hide her from his kids for over SIX years says he does not love her. If he did he would not be hiding behind his children.
I love me some, Dr. John! If he doesn’t do ANYTHING, he’s gonna tell it like it is! These callers can either listen or continue to live in misery! Choose wisely! 🤷🏽♀️
The strategic plan is great. I would be interested in creating one for a single parent with their teenage kids working together each year.
I don't care what anybody says I'm not giving up on my relationship my grandparents didn't give up on each other and they were together and married for 44 years so I'm not giving up on mine
Deans story really touched my heart. No one should feel lonely and especially at 66 years. I’ll be your friend, happily.
Dr Laura has taught this. Single parents don't remarry until kids are no longer minors. A girlfriend is just someone to date on the side in kid-free time until kids are moved out. If she has agreed to do this for 6 years I'm not sure why she's questioning it now that he is ready to integrate her
yes, that would be fine in a way, but his family know about her, they invited her to a funeral? and she tells him that she is lonely on Christmas, but he cannot CALL her...? That is what reads weird, like he is making sure to her that she is not only not number one, but that he does not careening to make an effort. so, it might have even started for the kids, but I think because she went with it without conditions he might have lost respect. or he just was in for the controll from the very beginning...
On a positive note with the 66-year old man doesn't have any real friends. Church groups or "men's groups" could be great for him. Meeting the neighbors sounds like a fantastic plan! Wishing you the best my brother!
Man Dean I wish you lived closer to Me in Utah or I lived closer to you in Dallas because I too have a hard time finding true friends. In a man's world it's hard to find friends and even more so a friend who wants to talk deeper. Sorry man I feel bad for you. I get it!
I went through the same thing for almost 5 years and after seeing a therapist I issued him an ultimatum. “Would you prefer to let me meet your kids or have me walk away”. He gave me the silent treatment so I walked. Years later we are still friends and he has told me many times he knows he messed up and it was due to his own issues around being abandoned by his father. He’s a great guy and many people in my life think I should go back to him but those holidays and company parties where I was alone are seared into my memory. The resentment from him never considering my needs would never allow me to start fresh. Unlike the caller he didn’t tell me in the beginning it would always stay that way. The big lesson for me in that relationship was don’t stay for potentially how good it could be, it has to be GREAT in the present!
Not okay. I introduced my husband to my son early ( as a friend) just so they both got a feel for each other. I chose to wait a few months to meet my husband’s kids so we were already madly in love when I realized how difficult they/the ex would be. We navigated through it but I definitely recommend knowing your situation early
. I don’t know why this woman is settling for this guy’s response.
am attempting a UN Valentines day
hope folks show up... I was rejected hard on this .... bawled my eyeballs out....
I love the journal idea!
Dean dear …go to the senior center…play cards…go to the YMCA or recreation enter..make friends at the local Moose club or VFW..
Starts at 3:50
The journal idea sounds pretty cool. Maybe have a high end leather edition, a paperback edition, and a PDF download.
I think he may have been the one that cheated and he don't want his kids to let that slip to her.
He keeps stringing her along, and he's just using her. It's horrible.
This 1000% describes my situation. Accept my guy has grown children. In 2 years he has not introduced me to his son (22) who lives with him part time. I think I just saw my future. Even her childhood story. Damn. What a bummer to hear it from a perspective that I needed to hear but did not want to face.
You should be glad, instead of bummed, that you've realised what situation you're in, so you don't have to waste any more of your one life on this man.
Caller #1 - needs self esteem she has built little to part of her own self.
To date someone for 6 yrs, never met their kids or spend a holiday together for 6 years.
Now, she is moving in with this man giving up more of her independence meaning if things don't work out her can just kick her out at any time 😢
Caller #2. .Do not place a sign in your yard saying I'm lonely 😅..
I do believe John's advice to see a counselor is awesome. Definitely see someone and talk to them , also look into senior centers lots of them have events such as bingo, morning workouts etc...
Finding a friend group gets harder the older we get but it's not impossible join groups of interest
By the sound of her responses, It sounds like the woman stayed in a wierd relationship is going to stay with him no matter what.
The guy looking for "real friends" - I found most of my deep meaningful friendships through a church group. Connect with others who are like minded and/or have the same interests. A good neighbor is can also be great support. I agree, he will need to make the first step.
That first call…..my gosh….I’ve never heard of this scenario before. 6 years and never met the children….like what the? There’s a lot more to that scenario. This lady is absolutely crazy for doing this for 6 years. NUTS!
Mary that man is married.