WHY DO GERMANS HATE GIVING COMPLIMENTS?
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- Опубликовано: 29 ноя 2018
- Hi guys welcome to my channel!
I'm Antoinette a New Zealander living in Germany.
In this video I discuss a big cultural difference between Germany and New Zealand when it comes to giving and receiving compliments.
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Ich lobe meinen Sohn sehr, wenn er was gemalt oder gebaut hat. Und dann will er jedesmal ganz genau begründet haben warum ich es so gut finde. Da muss man echt überlegen bevor man lobt 😅 ...deutsches Misstrauen bei Komplimenten schon mit 5...
grandios ^^
TheGameMakeGuy haha, hab mich schon gewundert, das noch niemand das geantwortet hat. Wär ja auch komisch wenn sowas nicht kommt...
nice
Geht mir genauso wie deinem Sohn, auch schon seit ich klein war 😅
Nein, er will es nur genau verstehen, und damit wiederholbar machen, weil es ihm so gut tut. Er kostet das Lob einfach aus. Nur nicht aufgeben!
Well, you know Germans. If they didn't like it, they would have said something. Germans actually do compliment but in much more subtle ways.
nicht geschimpft is genug gelobt. Interpret the absence of criticism as a compliment.
Haircut compliments in Germany :
To mention vocaly the fact that you have had a haircut is a compliment by itself.
The tone of the voice how the person say "oh, you got a haircut" indicating part of the 'compliment importance'.
The next level is additional look longer at your hair. Next compliment level is to inspect the haircut (look how the backside cut is). A top level compliment is to add a "that looks nice".
Any more is only allowed to family or very good private friends or total strangers.
For all others ( neighbours, acquaintances, work colleagues...) it is a tricky thing to give more vocal compliments because if you compliment the new you criticise the old at the same time.
Telling a work colleague " oh, your new haircut looks great, it suits you perfectly, it looks so beautiful ." Also implies the critic: 'the old haircut was not nice. Good you changed it.'
A bit like to compliment a child after she tidied up her messy room.
agreed, the mentioning of the haircut already means approval. Maybe its not a lifechanging compliment, but if they didnt like it they wouldn't have brought it up, unless they also comment about how they don't like it, which is something germans will do.
Spot on explained ^^
The thing is, when compliments are given out as much as you're used to in NZ or in the US (or any other country where this is done), it becomes more or less meaningless, just an empty phrase.
And how does one then bring it across when they REALLY mean it, and it's NOT just a phrase? Then they'd need to be even over-over-excited - or what?
Because of that, we rather use it sparsely, so WHEN a compliment is given, one can be sure it'S not some "politeness" empty blah blah.
Generally, adults are more likely to be similar as you are used to it when it comes to complimenting kids - although this seems to slowly change too. The smaller/younger the kids, the more likely adults are exaggerating a little with compliments. Especialy when one knows the child is just SO proud of something, noone would really like to burst the bubble for them in that case.
Receiving compliments - that's just the logical result. When you get compliments only sparsely, you are also not very used to receiving compliments and show a proper reaction. People aren't really expecting GENUINE compliments, and when somebody who doesn't have a history of giving out compliments a lot then does it, it's kinda surprising and unexpected.
Also, people feel uncomfortable when they dont really like to get an extra amount of attention.
However, I'd say it's an advantage to do it "the german way". Getting a compliment is more like a special award than just a meaningless "politeness" phrase.
I am beginning to love Germany even more.
A compliment is not just a phrase. How are you, fine thank you, is, but a specific compliment isn't
@@claudiaduffy5500 depending on how often you get similar compliments from always the same people, it easily becomes not more.ths. Just a phrase.
A compliment should be given for something outstanding, not for something ordinary, even if that's something pretty or otherwise remarkable.
furzkram I guess this makes sense. Often times receiving compliments is uncomfortable because you feel like you have to be gracious to the person who gave you the compliment even when you suspect they are just being nice and it’s not an actual real compliment.
@furzkram, I see your point, but it doesn't become meaningless. I've had a lot of contacts with Americans and quickly picked up their attitude of saying something nice, to break the ice and to create a friendly atmosphere. It's a part of their culture, and instantly makes you feel better. It's absolutely casual and selfunderstood friendliness! Everybody is in a habit of noticing something positive, and breaking the ice with this and starting some friendly chit chat. . It's considered "good manners" in the USA. When I returned to Germany from the USA, I was shocked about how grim and gruff the Germans appeared to me on the street, keeping to themselves, not making eye contact with anybody, not enjoying the world around them, just running from A to B in a hurry, looking drained. I continued the new way I learned overseas, and the good vibes are spreading...:) It's about being positive. Not about "mimimi". Only people who feel negative about themselves cannot believe a few nice words and smell a rat....
Deutsches Kompliment: Da kann man nicht meckern.
Mein Deutschlehrer vor knapp 30 Jahren "Nicht schlecht! 14 Punkte"
(My HS German teacher almost 30 years ago would write below an essay: "Not bad" and give an A)
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yes, this.
bios theoretikos
Gut gemacht. Setzten 1.
Wichtiger Unterschied zwischen "kannste nix von sagen" und "sag ich nix zu". Das eine ist das höchste Kompliment, das andere ist praktisch das Todesurteil.
As a German, I can fully agree with you, but I also understand my culture. We Germans don't like exaggerations (like "AMAZING"). Because that is interpreted as superficial and dishonest. You can make compliments as you mean them and not as the other person would like them.
About the saleswoman: I suppose she was surprised to receive a compliment from a stranger. Usually - at least in Germany - you get compliments from people you've known for a long time, such as friends, relatives, teachers or colleagues.
In southern Germany there is a terrible culture that "not having complained is compliment enough". That is why it is unusual to deal with compliments there.
The positive side is: there is no flood of phrases but every compliment comes from heart and is meant honestly. I like that more.
I come from Bavaria, but have a lot of contact with the American culture. Their friendliess and positive attitude is everything but a "flood of phrases", --that's just a typically negative German interpretation...:) We Germans could learn a lot from them and appear less rude to other nations.
@@AnnaLee33 its not rude. its common
I agree. I work in a German subsidiary of an US-American Company in Germany and one of the most hated phrases among my co-workers (including me) is "great job!" (uttered by one of our oversea superiors) when an appointed task has been done. The German mindset reacts to this as such: "What do you mean 'great job'? I merely did what I was supposed to. I am being paied for this, you know? Did you expect me to perform badly? Are you surprised I did not?"
except that compliment never actually comes and people are simply competitive, passive-aggressive and envious of each other. The younger ones are different though.
@@TheCoffeeFiend that just shows that some Germans have a stick so deep up their rear ends, it nudges their brain and makes them react all weird to normal human communication.
"What do you think about my new dress?" "It's horrible. But suits you" ;)
Ich glaube, wenn jemand sagte „oh, deine Haare sind kürzer“ ist das manchmal einfach als Aufmerksamkeit gedacht.
Wenn man in Deutschland aufwächst merkt man natürlich viele Eigenarten gar nicht, daher finde ich deine Videos einfach super! Und ich muss so häufig schmunzeln, weil ich finde, dass du den Nagel auf den Kopf triffst 😄👍🏻
Ja, damit will man dir sagen "Ich respektiere/mag dich genug um Veränderungen zu bemerken". Und wenn es nicht gefallen würde dann würde ein kommentar wie "Mir haben deine längeren Haare besser gefallen" kommen. Das ist die Nicht gemeckert ist Lob genug mentalität :D
"Warst du beim Friseur?"
"Ja."
"Den Prozess gewinnst du." ;-)
You made my day! Hab Tränen vom Lachen!
Gute Frage ist auch , oh ,Treppe runter gefallen?
oder ..... " was ist dein Friseur eigentlich von Beruf " 😀
And we give only thumbs up when we relly like videos. :D
Or comments ;)
Hi Antoinette. I am from Germany and I just want to say: Thank you for all your amazing videos. I really enjoy them a lot.
I only give compliments if they are actually true.
If there's nothing to say, I don't say anything.
If somebody asks me and I can't say something positive I at least try to avoid saying something bad.
If that fails I make the sound of a dying fish.
"If that fails I make the sound of a dying fish." You nearly killed me, I choked on my drink when I read that :DD
@@Magrat_Knoblauch
If you are curious, it's a very subtle "pffffffffff".
@@Alias_Anybody :DDD
😂😂😂
Being a German i don't compliment people often. i think it's irrelevant whether i like their look or not. a compliment can definitely be a very nice thing, but i do understand people who think it's sort of a transgression to say something like that, it's like i judge you for your looks.
But sometimes i noticed after i met somebody that i really liked their hair or their cloths and regret not to have said so...
"i think it's irrelevant whether i like their look or not." That's actually an error. People always remember the friedliness and smile that another gave them, like a gift. . It can make their day in a cold world. I tell people something nice on an almost daily basis, and I always receive a broad happy smile back. It makes them feel good, and me too. Kindness doesn't cost a thing. ;)
Liebe Antoinette, ich mag deine Art, Dinge anzusprechen, über die du dir Gedanken machst. Deine Anmerkungen klingen nie vorwurfsvoll, du findest immer etwas Nettes. :D Ich kann mich den anderen Kommentaren nur anschließen und wie du selber schon sagtest, ist ein Kompliment etwas Besonderes, mit dem man nicht ständig um sich wirft, sondern es wird sehr sparsam eingesetzt. Umso größer ist die Freude, wenn man dann eins bekommt. Als ich eine Weile in England gelebt habe, fand ich diese nette Art und die Komplimente anfangs wirklich toll. Irgendwann nimmt man sie aber nicht mehr ernst, weil die Häufigkeit mit der Zeit einfach unglaubwürdig wurde. Ich kann mir vorstellen, dass das, vor allem am Anfang, für dich ganz schön anstrengend gewesen sein muss und ich hoffe, dass du nicht so sehr darüber enttäuscht bist. Ich selber gebe auch gerne Komplimente, ich wäge oft ab, ob der Zeitpunkt gerade der richtige ist und manchmal ergibt es sich einfach nicht zu sagen, dass man etwas schön findet.
Übrigens gefällt mir deine neue Frisur sehr!
(In dem Bezug ist manchmal auch die Bemerkung "Oh warst du beim Friseur?" ein Kompliment. Meistens folgt dann aber noch "Sieht gut aus" o.ä.)
Hab' ich in meiner Antwort auch versucht, es so auszudrücken. Ich hab' zwar nur mal ein halbes Jahr in Dänemark gelebt. Aber ich denke, "über den Tellerrand schauen" macht eine Menge aus.
Ist das selbe wie mit:"Ich liebe dich". Irgendwann nimmt man es nicht mehr wahr oder es nervt beide Parteien einfach nur noch.
I always play the compliment down, like, I got told like "oh u are really smart!" multiple times and in 100% of the cases I say "oh no I´m not, I just talk smart so people think that".
I really appreciate the comment but I wouldnt know how to handle it any other way, what am I supposed to say? "yeah ur right thanks?" feels really weird x)
That's a witty and also modest reply. Very good! I would probably say: "You think so? Thank you!! You're pretty smart yourself!" Schon sind alle zufrieden. Was Nettes gesagt und zurückbekommen.
This is actually the reason why "Made in Germany" is synonymous with high quality. You don't get a compliment unless you really nailed it.
I‘m German and I compliment people - but only when I really mean it.
I used to travel the world and I never really liked superficial compliments.
Germans compliment differently. When you say „Oh, new haircut?“ and smile it is actually a compliment 😁
I am actually a little surprised about the kindergarden teacher. I work in kindergarden as well and when I talk to any of the kids about a picture they drew, I'll always at least say something like "Was hast du denn da Schönes gemalt?".
Actually I think that we tend to rather point out the negative things and keep the positive things to ourselves. Like people who critisize you for not being good in calculating might not even acknowledge if you improve your calculating skills but if you still make a mistake while calculating, they'll critisize you again. I am not sure but I think some people might tend to silently register positive things and then just take them for granted.
I'm from swabia, Germany and one of the most common ways to say you like something there is to say "nicht schlecht", which translates to "not bad". And that does often mean you really liked it.
Nicht ausgeschimpft, ist genug gelobt.
It is important to understand that the german mentality seeks acknowledgement and not compliment.
A Compliment means: You have done something that was very unexpectedly good (!)far better than I would have ever credited you to be able to accomplish.(!!!)
AKA: giving a compliment when it is not VERY appropriate; means you insult AND belittle the german minded person.
I totally agree, a very important point.
Acknowledging that someone has had a haircut is positive. When you let them know that you've noticed, you in effect say "I know you well enough/see you often enough/pay enough attention/ care enough to spot a change". You are then supposed to leave it at that respectful distance unless the person asks your opinion.
To give "feedback" unasked, even positive, can be seen as patronising, condescending, overly familiar, creepy, a criticism of a previous or "usual" state, overstepping into personal space, disrespectful. It's not your place to evaluate the haircut unless asked for or you are a very close friend or relative.
Non-germans, please remember that when you complement someone and they "don't know how to act". You've just casually offended them and you're smiling about it. It's awkward. :)
Not all compliments make people feel good, some make people feel bad.
@@Alice_Badeba I disagree: Only people with low self esteem need a compliment to help build up their self esteem in the first place. When I like my new haircut myself, I don't need anybody else to tell me that they appreciate it (unless I have asked beforehand for their exact opinion). To me, it seems clear enough and sufficient when people tell me that they took notice that something has been changed with my hair, without giving special marks or opinions to it. After all, it's just a case of personal taste, so no big meaning to it.
Compliments made "out of context" are usually received suspiciously, as they seem to be just a starter for a conversation - and because of that their sincerity is in question. Compliments made within a conversation e.g. talking about the hairdresser - "But she did a really good job - you look great" are taken much easier as there is no need for the compliment in the conversation - you could go on talking about the hairdresser without the compliment, so it is much easier to believe the compliments sincerity.
This can also be used to explain the other "odd" german behavior for most english speaking natives - unvarnished criticism. Germans are more likely to give you "unwanted advice" then to give you an "out-of-context compliment", because - thinking about what you would have done differently and reflecting this- shows a much more sincere interest in a person than a made up compliment. In other words - polite criticism is just another way of saying "I relate to you and your situation, I thought about it and here is my thought about it". This can not be faked as the "suggestion for improvement" needs a debatable reason. So if you can not come up with any criticism - there is nothing to say - and therefore "nicht gemeckert ist genug gelobt" -> proven sincerity ;--)
Your hair looks great. -German person here :)
I just wanted to say that I genuinely love your new haircut as well as your videos. They're not only entertaining and interesting, but helpful as well!
I'm German but I was on an exchange to New Zealand for half a year. I really like giving compliments because it's an easy way to make other people feel great. What I found was that through this giving lots of compliments, people would easily become friend. But in my experience these friendships weren't as deep as the German ones. I had the feeling people are having a lot of friends in NZ which makes you feeling welcomed wherever you go but if you get this special connection it's more precocious in Germany. I think a mixture would be great!
Besides thank you so much for your videos, they're a way for me to reconnect to NZ
On the „child draws picture and gives it to you“-issue: there is multiple layers to that. Maybe the kid is interested in explaining the picture (willing to share it‘s thoughts and emotions), maybe it wants it explained by you, to check wether you are willing and able to follow its interests / see if you are on the same page, or maybe it just wanted to give a gift, to show how important the relation is. - The message you send back depends on what you say:“Thank you! That must have taken you a long time to make.“ just acknowledges the effort / the symbolic investment in the relation. Praising the quality of the picture says „You are special (- gifted, ahead of your peer-group, singled out for competence or competitiveness)“ - maybe not a message you are willing to send casually, when you have to deal with a dozen kids (- envy etc.), unless you want all of them to be more competitive. „Thank you, I‘ll look at it later.“ means: I‘m sorry, but I have adult stuff to do right now - a message some kids get too often, and others not often or clear enough! - So thinking about these situations is clearly worth doing.
You are absolutely right! It's just a cultural thing and the way Germans grow up. Since I moved to the US for work I had to really learn to give compliments and acknowledge good things or a good job done. I'm sure I'm a poor manager when it comes to positive encouragement. Thankfully, most of my American coworkers have a great sense of humor and we often end up laughing when my German roots shine through too much.
LOL! This has made me think about a German friend of mine, because he often tells me that I am "so German" (I am not German at all). After watching many of your videos, I have to agree with him. I really do act very "German". LOL!
I really do not feel comfortable getting compliments and I do not give compliments, unless I really mean it.
I am originally from Brazil, and I have been living in Canada for 30 years. Brazilians and Canadians also compliment people A LOT. I have been living "uncomfortably" my whole life because people compliment me and I feel that I must say something back to them but I very rarely do it (this actually happened today at work, a co-worker complimented my shirt and I didn't say anything, I kind of changed the subject). It happens almost every day!
I also have a Canadian friend that asks me what I think of his new haircut, etc, when he really wants an honest opinion. He has told me this many times!
My daughter was born and raised in Canada, she belongs to a generation that grew up getting a "star" for everything they did, even when they hadn't done more than what they were supposed to do. They expect to be praised and rewarded just for doing what they are supposed to do, the "everybody gets a trophy" mentality. Growing up, she often complained that I was too blunt, and I was not proud of her because I didn't compliment her enough. But I just cannot say what I do not mean, it is so hard for me!
I guess that's why I like Germany so much and go there every year for vacation. I just "fit in" so easily! LOL!
I have had this exact topic on my mind lately! Good to hear your perspective!
From a German viewer: I like your videos! I like your new haircut! And I would like to learn more from you about how things are in NZ compared to GER. Keep on rockin'! You're very welcome!
Haha It’s so true.
Me as a German in Australia, I know exactly what you’re saying. Even after four years I still struggle.
I heard a few people saying behind my back that they find it very arrogant not answering to compliments or playing it down.
I absolutely love your videos (I am German with some experience abroad) What I love especially is that your are giving us a totally honest view of what German culture is all about and you do not leave out the negatives - I guess you have adjusted to the culture really well!! You should be really proud of yourself :)
After living abroad for a year I give out more compliments now as well, I also have learned how to take a compliment ;). Giving out compliments, to me, shows that you care about people and that you pay attention to them. Us Germans should be less serious about the whole fake/real aspect of compliments and just be more generous!!! So good on your for keeping your New Zealand mentality it adds great value to our culture :)
Dear Antoinette I would like to give you a compliment. Your video is great to understand the different mentallity of the Germans and the honesty of their compliments. It is great to hear that you love this mentality.
Been thinking about this topic a lot since you posted it. When people in NZ compliment someone it's not superficial but usually genuine! Been listening out for it and it happens all the time. It happens because we take note of what happens around us and if we like something we say it and it's nice to make someone feel good and also to receive a compliment. It is important as it does something positive to the psyche of people. The attitude of not moaned is praise enough stinks!! It benefits no-one. It shows how arrogant and self centered people are. No harm done noticing and saying something nice. I love your happy, positive attitude Antoinette and don't ever let any German take that away from you!! No Kindy teacher or anyone else
Viele Deutsche empfinden Komplimente als anmaßend. Das ist ein wenig so, als würde ein Medizinstudent dem Professor nach dessen geglückter Operation auf die Schulter klopfen und sagen: "Gut gemacht, ich hätte es nicht besser machen können!" :)
LG
Ich kann den Gedanken nicht mal nachvollziehen, so absurd ist er...
@@AnnaLee33 wirst du gerne von random guys getätschelt?
@@@paulpower5028 es geht um Komplimente, und die werden bekanntlich verbal mitgeteilt, nicht physisch. Und wenn mir jemand ein Kompliment macht, nehm ich es sehr gerne an, denn der Mann hat recht. :P Und ich gebe sehr gerne eines zurück. Alldieweil der deutsche Michel noch unbeholfen dasteht und nichts über die Lippen bringt. "Nicht gemeckert ist genug gelobt".
@@AnnaLee33 ja, es geht um komplimente. darum ging es mir auch. es war im übetragenen sinn gemeint. haste aber eig auch verstanden, oder? der deutsche michel ist gut, so wie er ist. kein grund sich für irgendwas zu schämen. zumindest an dieser stelle
ich mag es genau deshalb nicht komplimente zu bekommen: man muss sie dann erwidern. unter zugzwang sich irgendwas auszudenken, wofür man sein gegenüner lobt, überschreitet die schwelle zur unaufrichtigkeit
@@paulpower5028 man muß gar nichts. Und wenn man seine Augen offen hält, findet man immer etwas Positives am anderen, oder nicht? Ich schon. ;) Es hat einfach etwas mit einem positiven Umgang mit andren Menschen zu tun, mit einem freundlichen, liebevollen Wesen, einem Mangel an Angst und Verklemmtheit. So einfach ist das. ;)
Hallo Antoinette! Ich habe mich sehr darüber gefreut, wie du die Besonderheiten unserer Kulturen herausgearbeitet hast. Du hast Recht, wir sollten uns jeweils eine Scheibe vom anderen abschneiden :D Als ich jünger war (vor allem als Teenager), hatte ich auch Probleme Komplimente anzunehmen und habe entweder nach peinlicher Pause das Thema gewechselt oder widersprochen... Durch viele Gespräche (vor allem mit Studenten aus dem Ausland) hat sich mein Bild von Komplimenten stark verändert. Ich betrachte Komplimente als Geschenk, für die man sich bedankt und bei denen es unhöflich ist, sie abzulehnen. Und ich bin gerne bereit, Menschen in meiner Umgebung kleine "Geschenke" zwischendurch zu machen :)
Giving compliments for good vibes are like daily sunshines ... it's there, but nothing special.
Better being honest than polite and fake.
I can relate to this video so much. I am American and have lived in Germany for almost 2 years. My German language is slowly getting better and with that I am excited to start to make more friendships with Germans. Recently I’ve started to talk with my German sister in law more (in English) and I think very much of her. Recently I complimented her by saying I was thankful to know her and thankful that we are family. As you described in this video, she was uncomfortable with this compliment and unable to return the sentiment. I didn’t notice and it didn’t bother me (probably because it was texted communication) but then later to my surprise she did return the sentiment and tell me that it is difficult for her to give a compliment like this.
I can relate to almost all of your videos which makes me think American and New Zealand culture have a lot of similarities. I did have the great pleasure of visiting New Zealand several years ago and it was not my impression at that time that our cultures were similar.
I look forward to your videos each week! I am in a period of homesickness at the moment and it is encouraging to see how adjusted to Germany you seem. I optimistically tell myself that I will continually become more adjusted.
I'm Russian and I love giving compliments to both men and women on the new clothes etc but when I thought about it, I realised that when I notice someone has had a haircut, I would often say: Oh, you've had your hair cut! and not add any positive or negative comments about it. I guess this way I'm telling the person that I've noticed the change in them but also not giving any judgment, usually I also like the way they had their hair before. It is so strange, I just realised it after your video 😄
Your hair looks incredible!
Oh that is so interesting. I feel like you really get us Germans in a way :) but I feel like the kindergarten teacher was very rude. With children I would give a lot of compliments to build up their confidence. I would have said: Oh that is so beautiful Emilia, well done!
But other than that I agree that Germans tend to not compliment much and are therefore not used to compliments and act awkward when they receive one. I still love the German honesty.
Lotte Petterson i would have said. "Emilia. You have done that for me? Such a lovely gesture. Thank you:))"
@Ludwig Van or denglish
Generally speaking, compliments are welcome among friends, but can be irritating to strangers (I do it nevertheless!) Thanks to the internet and the contact with lots of people in the Anglosaxon and other cultures I have learned to give more compliments. Not if I don't mean them, but when in doubt, I would rather encourage someone than not. Also, as a German I can be brutally honest, but I have also learned that not all that could be said also "has" to be said for the sake of honesty. Sometimes just being polite and encouraging helps a lot with getting along well.
That said: Grosses Kompliment für Deine Videos - Du bringst immer wieder interessante Themen und Aspekte auf, und stellst sie sehr klar dar. Bitte weiter so!
Dear Antoinette, I give you a genuine compliment. I love your Kiwi accent so much, as it reminds me of the journey of a lifetime to your wonderful amazing country back in 2003. I live in Swabia, near Stuttgart, and swabians are so reluctant in saying something nice or encouraging to you. I work as a M.D, now as a GP, and I always try to encourage people and give them a POSITIVE feedback if they do something good. But their is often mistrust in people. Maybe I wasn't meant to be German, who knows.
Happy Christmas season greetings from Waiblingen.
New Zealander: "Oi mate! That's some awesome wool you've got on ya!"
Sheep: "Baaah!"
When you compliment a German it's automatically assumed you want something
That can happen too - people get suspicious if there's maybe some intention behind it that hasn't been revealed yet, like somebody intending to ask for a favour.
Schöner Username...
ReezeGoingSenseless why user name?
@@andrewmay3001 Answered the wrong comment there, meant "furzkram".
That is absolutely true. A German who gets a compliment will react immediately irritated. Why does he say that now? It is programmed into the German mentality that one should not trust someone who is exaggeratedly nice. What's wrong with this person? It's suspicious.
The thing with your hair is funny. From a German point of view, notice that you have changed your hair is already the compliment. If your counterpart did not like it, he would either say nothing or say it directly into your face. From some Germans, the highest compliment that you will ever receive is not bad. That can hardly be surpassed. At school this is an A.
I love your new hair! It has a kind of 1940s look with the curls.
Kathrin Ohnesorge I had the same association :)
Hello Antoinette, thank you very much for your refeshing insights which give a new perspective to our culture. In my opinion it is no wonder that videos of persons who moved to Germany and present their experiences here are so popular with us germans. Mostly because hearing something positive about us, our country and culture is like getting a compliment for overcoming the terrible atrocities which happend in the 20th century (and won't hopefully never happen again). Another part of this is that many germans are not aware of the high standard of living we share in opposition to a great many other countries on this small planet. If a german is complaining about something often it's complaining on a high level (a hard to translate saying).
Some additional thoughts on other topics/stereotypes (which seem generally be true):
Law and order are highly valued. (like in Einigkeit & Recht & Freiheit)
If it's natural than there is nothing to be ashamed of.
A place for everything and everything on it's place.
If it's worth doing it's worth doing the right way.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. (Alte Werbung für Korn: Red' was wahr ist, trink was klar ist.)
Wat der Bauer nich' kennt, isst/trinkt/... er nich'.
Maybe you should do a video about the usual sayings which are popular around here and compare them to New Zealand ones. Waiting for it.
BTW: Lovely hair! =8^))
I'm German, and I really like your new hairstyle. I think it really suits you.😊❤️
I just didn't comment it before, because I saw some others commenting it and so didn't felt the need of commenting it, too. ;)
Have a nice day 😊
German in NZ: I am very happy my partner is, edpecially by NZ standrds, a grump. I can truat his compliments. The ones i get from other Kiwis I can never quite trust.
About complimenting kids: My prtner's mum is a primary school teacher. The other day she was filling out report cards which she asked me to look over for mistakes. I noticed she always had some nice stuff to say to each kid though sometimesit felt forced. Her comment? "Yes, I HAVE to word it in a positive way and praise them for something." - That just seems alien to me.
Oh, also acknowledgrment IS a compliment in Germany. So, "you cut your hair." means "I notice and it, at the least, looks ok" I will not draw attrntion to a bad haircut.
Liebe Antoinette, nicht schlecht dieses Video. 🤔 The most important part was probably where you said that half of the time people don't mean it when they give out compliments all the time. But I suppose that there are up and downsides to each of these cultural norms. While it is true that a compliment has more weight when it is given less often, it can also be depressing to receive compliments only once in three years. On the other hand, it might be also a problem when you can't take somebody seriously because they say anything you do is amazing.
The part about not being able to deal with compliments is sooo true. I mean it's nice to recieve compliments, but I always make the situation so awkward that afterwards I wish they hadn't said anything. Then I started giving more compliments to others and it helped me with dealing with compliments better I think
I - as a German - absolutely can relate to your observations, Antoinette! However, I wouldn't say that we hate giving compliments. Maybe it really is part of our culture. Looking back, I've never learned - by example - to give compliments. We assume more likely that a compliment is not genuine ;-))
Especially during the recent years, I feel more and more uncomfortable with our attitude towards compliments. Why? I am a moderator on several American nature cam communities (explore.org). I had to learn to find the right tone in a conversation, especially since it is a written one, not face to face communication. I am much more outspoken than my fellow moderators and chat members and still have problems when it comes to sugar-coating different issues. You mentioned that attitude in another video as well. But I am working hard on it! BTW Your new hairdo looks amazing! And I absolutely mean it!
Awesome. I hope this video will change the mentality in Germany a little bit. I lived in Sweden for 20 years, and I never got so many compliments in my life before. Life is much more friendly and comfortable there. Now I am back in Germany, and I feel like a stranger. But anyhow, in Germany we say: Life is rough - but tough. So I always try to see the positive site of life.
Be your hair makes you look much more mature. It's lovely on you xxxx but I love longer hair. I always alwaaaaays regret when I cut my hair. Now it's long again I'm keeping it!
I have always had problems accepting compliments about my looks and this is how I explained it to myself :)
Getting compliments for the way you look is considered superficial. Because you can't really influence the way you look. It's not something you have achieved or worked for. So being happy or accepting a compliment the way you look makes you feel shallow. And that's what we try to avoid. So the reaction you've described is us trying to show you that we don't just look good but are also amazing (and very humble :D) people.
P.S. I have family in Scotland and I have noticed that I feel less uncomfortable receiving compliments there. I assume is because I don't feel like they mean them (as much), so they wound think I am shallow if I accept them in the same "unreal" way that they just payed me a compliment. If that makes sense.
What I do love about the UK and NZ is that you are much more friendly. Say for example saying thank you to the bus driver. It doesn't hurt and it makes for a nice atmosphere. For some reason, giving "false" compliments is a step to far though :)
Sorry for the essay :)
You are very right. I am a german from abroad and absolutely agree with your video. But the result of this “habit” is that you end up feeling constantly bad about yourself especially if you were raised that way but outside of Germany. I love giving compliments because you can always find something genuinly positive to say about anybody you just have to look for it and it makes people happy. By the way your hair looks great ;-)
Okay, that was enlightening. Is this a german compliment? Awareness shock! Great Video XD
actually me and my friends in school started complimenting each other about our clothes and body to make each other more confident. I personally apprechiate it really much but many other people seemed to be even annoyed because of the compliments although they were probably not even a lie. I think the Germans are very realistic and logical thinking people so it shows up a lot in the culture and behaviour of people too. They just want things to make sense
How to give a compliment to someone in Franconia:“ Bassd scho“ 😀
Or if you think that's not enough you can go with "ned schlecht" 😅
The thing is, in Germany (between adults) women often get offended when receiving compliments by men, b/c here, a compliment often implies (sexual) interest in someone. Men receiving compliments from women automatically think they're interested in them, and vice versa. This goes even as far as same sex compliments might imply homosexuality. So, when you don't receive compliments, it's not because people don't like your hair, etc., it's because they don't want you think they're sexually interested. Of course, that's not always the case, but very common. The tone also matters very much, if it sounds very casual, it will be taken as such. While in English, intonation isn't all that important, in German, pronounciation and intonation matters much more. Of course, when an adult talks to a child, things are different. People do give compliments or praise to talented children, but nowadays we have a common problem that some parents are doing that too much, leading to kids that never had to deal with failure and are suprised when they do fail when they have reached adulthood.
I enjoyed your video. There. Compliment ;) AND I also think your hair looks great on you.
There are regional differences in Germany. I am originally from NRW, and we do tend to compliment more (but still only genuinely), than for example Swabians, who like to say - as others have mentioned: "Not telling someone off is praise enough." It's a bit like that Northern English "praise" of "That'll do."
Hyperbole (when everything is awesome, stunning, amazing) is not something Germans in general are very fond of, we perceive it as dishonest or at least ungenuine, and let's face it, it usually is.
I haven't noticed people in the UK complimenting more often, or at least, they do it with a little less hyperbole. Or, even more often, they may politely tell you a compliment, meaning the opposite.
Germans have the reputation of being blunt and direct, and I think it is partly due to us being allowed to tell each other: "Oh my, you look terrible today", because that is considered loving concern. It basically means: "What is wrong, are you ill, do you need help?" Many non-native Germans don't understand that and consider it rude, when it really implies genuine concern. It is not necessary to "keep up appearances". If you feel sick, don't fake glowing health.
The kindergarden situation does sound a bit rude, though.
I knew we don't often beat around the bushes or compliment a lot but I didn't expect it to be such a huge difference. A few years ago I made a very drastic change with my haircut: After 15+ years I got a very short hair cut. Sounds boring but it was really a big change, not only from the obvious perspective but it also made me a little bit more confident after a while. And wow did I got many compliments from family, from friends.. I was really surprised and because this is such a rare thing, I could tell that they really mean it. (Just like the people who said they need some time to get used to, which is perfectly fine as well. ;) ) However, it was a drastic change but not too experimental or uncommon. If I'd have dyed my hair violet and got a sidecut the responses would have been veeeery different. ;)
Generally spoken I feel better with compliments that are actually ment that way because otherwise you can never be sure if your best friends lie to you. That being sad I think it would be helpful if more people would give (honest) compliments, may it be big or small things. Nethertheless, if a child gives you a drawing, even if "you" look like some giant octopus on a bicycle, you come off of your high horse and you'll say thanks and give them a compliment like a decent human being.
Edit: When someone comments your haircut only with "Oh, you got a new haircut" or whatever, please don't think we don't like it. Maybe we're just busy, have something else in mind or just - as you said - are not used to give compliments for (relatively) small changes. Not complimenting doesn't automatically mean we don't like something or we disagree with something. :)
I love your videos xxxx aussie viewer here
Haha, you are so right! Yet I would say it also depends a bit on where in Germany you live ... at least some in some regions like the e.g. Rhineland ppl wear their heart on their sleeves more than the average Franconian does; they seem to be quite private in general.
Aber Herz auf der Zunge heißt nicht gleichzeitig, dass der Rheinländer überschwänglich freundlich sein muss, er sagt halt nur, was er grad denkt. Aber hast schon recht, nettes Volk hier =)
Ich würde niemals in eure fake friendly Rheinregion ziehen.
@Ludwig Van Welches biologische Geschlecht hat "ne Bönnsche Jung"?
@@maksimilianbauer5129 Danke.
Awesome, that is so TRUE! Here in USA it's more like ppl are giving you a compliment bcuz they want you to notice something on them or their about to ask you a favor. It gets VERY ANNOYING! I would much rather get just a few compliments once in awhile that means something than 100 compliments a day that don't mean ANYTHING! LOVE YOUR VIDEOS, KEEP IT GOING! LOVE YOU!
I LIKE YOUR NEW HAIR!
Hi Antoinette! My husband is like this and he is not german.. 😂😂😂, he would always but always be honest with our son and whatever work he does if that is not so good he would say it, he is giving him a constructive advise and how he could improve it next time.. 😁, "I know that you are very smart and very agile and you can do it better then this next time" this are his words. 😏 I find it very good! About the compliments the same, really mean it!
Being from the US, I think social isolation may play a part. I feel like Germany is more community based, where countries like mine have a lot of social isolation. So when we go out, interact with people, we give a compliment to reach out to a fellow human
Thanks for this!!
Finally found a way to make Germans feel uncomfortable!
I'm going to be handing out compliments all day tomorrow! xD
The fact that someone noticed your new haircut actually is the compliment. They wouldn't comment on it if they don't like or they would outright say that they hate it.
I love the gentle way you point out our quirks ,). It is right, that Germans are not always quick to give a compliment and I tend to struggle with receiving compliments myself. The abundance of compliments given in other countries actually tends to make me feel slightly mocked, until I get used to it. It is not uncommon to comment on a change in someone's appearance without giving your opinion on the result. The comment in itself means that you value the person enough to notice and you give them an opening to maybe share their reasoning behind the change.
Hi Antoinette,
I spent the last two years in Australia and it was a big difference to Germany. You get complimented all the time I wasn't used to it at all. I think we should find the balance between not giving any compliments at all and not meaning them at all. I think Germans could learn a lot from NZ and Australia with just being positive and not being so grumpy and unwelcoming all the time. It's so hard to meet new people here in Germany. It's like you have to pass a test before they let you in their lives. It's hard to adjust to that when you experienced that it can be handled differently.
I'm happy when I'm back in Australia 🙌 and definitely wanna visit NZ. Heard they're even more friendly than Aussies.
Your hair looks very nice! And I mean it 😊
Oh thank you!
Why to give compliments, If you "don't mean it"?
If someone permanently makes compliments it doesn't make me feel good - i feel a bit like cheated and start to misstrust that person.
Antoinette I enjoy watching your episodes. My grandparents are from the area you live. You are correct. My family isn't huggers or give compliments. My moms family is from the south and totally different. Huggers and talkers.
Hi, Antoinette! About the hair cut: I think your friends did actually compliment you! 😂 Well, at least they tried. If somebody I knew had their hair cut and I like how it turned out quite much, my reaction would be exactly this: "Oh, you got your hair cut!" in an excited voice. Maybe I would add something among the lines of "it looks really good" - but not necessarily. I guess it's about the tone of the recognition that you got your hair cut that makes the compliment if that makes sense to you. Like, sounding excited about the fact is quite a lot of approval. I know, we germans are weird. 😂
Concerning the kindergarten teacher: I think her reaction was a little rude. Maybe she was stressed or it's just that kindergarden teachers get pictures all the time. If a child gave a drawing to me, I would react differently. I would thank the child and say something nice about the picture that I really mean. It's not that hard. It's one thing to not make little egomaniacs out of children by making them think they're the best at everyfrigginthing. But don't discourage them by not appreciating their gift!
I like your videos about living in germany and all the differences. You are very thoughtfull and really try (and succeed!) to get these weird germans and their alien behaviour. I like it, how you point out things without judgeing. It's very interesting and helpfull to get a different view on just normal german life. Thank you!
Loved this video, very useful for me! I am a German and I will move to New Zealand in February. I had a job interview last month in Auckland and I felt like a goddess at first. They complimented me continously for the most stupid reasons. And that was hard for me, cause I felt lied at afterwards. How do you know that someone means what they say in NZ? I don't really understand how to handle that aswell...
I don't often get compliments and when I do, it's from family or from non natives 😂 I received random compliments from a girl on the street once, telling me how pretty my dress looked and how it suited me and I could hear her foreign accent right away
It made me really happy though and whenever something like that happens I tell myself I want to start telling people whenever I like something about them rather than just think it in my head
I then proceed to struggle to actually do it because I feel like people would find it weird 😂🤦♀️ so German of me
I do hate the fake friendliness in other countries though or when people ask you how you are and they don't actually care. Can't stand it!!
Maybe its a kind of modesty. We don't hate to give compliments, we are clumsy to give them. So often we decided no compliment is better than a superficial Compliment, that do not really honour the person we gave it to. In Műnster where I growing up a sentence say " you first started up to being frinds if you eat a bag of salt together. We are not unfriendly in Műnster but very reticent. If you find the way in our hearts you've got a friend of a lifetime.
Noch ein Kommentar . Als ich Ami Soldat in Deutschland stationiert war, ich lernte Deutsch ganz schnell mit guter Grammatik und fast akzentfrei, also, ich bin eher sprachbegabt (jeje Angeln für Komplimente (seht unten LOL!) , aber damals mehr als ein deutscher sagte mir, daß ich ausgezeichnetes, einwandfreies Hochdeutsch konnte. Und das nahm ich als wirklich ein Kompliment! Jo, ich bin ein bißchen angeberisch.
Good point. To hate giving compliments is not really true, being realistic and genuine about compliments is exactly right, though. I believe there is a (religious) protestant note to it that good things have to be deserved. A similar thing is the use of the word 'friend'.
As a German who is living in the US, I am trying to get better in this.
So here my complement to you:
Es ist toll wie regelmäßig du deine Videos machst. Einige davon finde ich sehr interessant.
Ich bin immer wieder verwundert wie du die neue Themen einfallen lässt. Ich hätte nicht so viele Ideen zu diesem Thema.
I think it's nice to get always complements, but it's also weird and I feel like I can't trust people and it's harder to make friends, cause a lot of it is just fake.
You shouldn't improve in that because is not a bad thing. But if you want to change go ahead.
As you never mentioned Canada, I presume you’ve not been here, complementing someone is commonplace as in NZ. Such a small act of kindness, may be the only nice thing that person may hear that day. In a world where many of us may feel invisible, it is a positive human connection that is free to give and equally priceless. ❤️
"Nicht geschimpft ist Lob genug" ~actually existing saying in German :)
But you are totally right: We really should learn how to give and take compliments. Life would become so much nicer with them.
Last comment... i am very affectionate and my friend told me that my openness made her more comfortable with physical affection from non family. She said it even made her more affectionate with her own kids. Anyone, with persistence, can make a difference, New sub here.
Hair cut, clothing etc. are very personal choices, so it's not really up to others to comment on it unless asked to. E.g. the answer to "oh you have a new haircut" would be "yeah i got it yesterday, do you like it?". Upon which you will get an honest answer. That they didn't give you unasked for feedback doesn't necessarily mean that they disliked it. The acknowledgement of them noticing it is in a way a compliment, as it implies that you matter enough to them for them to pay attention to you. Also it would be pretty presumptuous for a stranger or acquaintance to give a compliment, as it is not their place to give any opinion on your personal choices. The only thing strangers may comment on is your current behaviour.
Acknowledging you had your hair cut shows they care enough to recognize the change. Complementing further would require it to be an outstanding improvement, and even then I'd be careful to give a compliment, to avoid any misunderstanding, as compliments can easily be misunderstood as hitting on someone.
A compliment out of the blue by someone not close to me usually puts me on alarm, as I have to question Motive
l think with the example at kindergarten that this is because there is a clear line between formal situations and family situations. Within the family members talk openly and freely and do give compliments whereas in the formal environment it`s much less. The kindergarten teacher was just acknowledging the picture and so said Thank You to Amelia. lf she said it with a nice smile l can`t see anything wrong with that, although she could have said also " that`s nice" but l`m sure reactions will vary according to the teacher, they are not all identical !
Regarding the lack of communication about the new hairstyle, well as someone who is half german but grew up in england and visits germany a lot l have to say that it`s also up to the other person too, Antoinette could have also responded with a comment herself, something like " oh well l got fed up with it and wanted to try something new" Communication is always a two way thing.
Wie mein Mann immer sagt "wenn du nichts anderes von mir hörst ist es in Ordnung" 🤣❤️
I really like giving out compliments and make others smile. The other way round i feel also very good by reciving and actually i don‘t question wether or not it is true. Seems like i am not the typical german Person :D
I compliment people when I really like something.
I am a German and I relate to what you said. I am not good at giving out nor receiving compliments. Sometimes, I try to remind myself that I should compliment someone, but it definitely doesn't come naturally. When someone compliments me, I either brush it off or I get a little suspicious about their intentions.
Now, I HAVE been to New Zealand (as well as many other countries) and I must say that I DID appreciate how nice everyone was. But in general when I can't tell if a compliment is actually meant seriously or not, that confuses me.
So in summary, it wouldn't hurt us to learn how to compliment each other, as long as that doesn't mean losing the sense for what the intentions of another person are.
tl;dr: I agree with you :D
I love really long hair and this look is great, too. Now I don't know you at all or your previous hair. My guess is, that such a drastic change in your looks needs some time of adjusting for your friends and family. Well and of course the see you are (still) gorgeous, but usually we think that you are also aware of the fact, so there is no reason to divulge any more in that (out of fear to become boring or get bored ;) ). Also there is an understanding for men that if they manage to notice the haircut they are off the hook in regards of socialising with females :D
I’m from Austria (so basically Germany but still feel the need to clarify haha) and although I looove giving compliments and have no problems receiving them as well (but you’re right, most people do, im more of an exception cause I’m super confident haha), there are few things I hate as much as giving out empty compliments, it just makes the whole concept meaningless and that’s the kinda stuff that leads to trust issues cause honestly, I value honesty a great deal (more than anything really) and giving compliments that aren’t genuine is a form of lying. I really don’t understand why it’s such a big part of so many culture and it’s definitely more present in younger generations, even in Austria/ Germany. Also returning compliments because you feel like you have to in order to be polite, is ridiculous.
But I also agree that we should give more compliments, not fake ones but it is very common not to point out a nice thing about someone and I’m not exactly sure why that is the case but some reasons are that you don’t wanna put yourself in a “lower” position by complimenting someone (like “fan” instead of “friend” if that makes any sense) or that people often think you’re asking for something in return (“you’re pretty ... can I copy your homework”, “you’re pretty” hoping to get the compliment returned etc). It can also easily lead to awkward situations like you said. I don’t care about any of these because I LOVE giving and receiving compliments but only if they’re genuine and in the hair and painting cases, I wouldn’t say anything either.
I also think that you should be careful with kids because complimenting them too much is totally a thing. They’re not stupid, eventually they’ll notice that you’re just saying that to make them feel better and they won’t be able to tell when you mean it and when you don’t, so it’s not exactly helpful.
Another thing that my mum did when I was a child (but again, that might’ve just been me cause I’d always been super confident) was to make a conscious effort not to give me too many compliments because she knew I had enough confidence already and didn’t want me to be one of those kids that think they’re the shit cause their parents always told them that (I knew quite a bunch of them when I was younger) and I’m happy she did that because now my self-esteem isn’t depend on anyone’s approval but only myself. But that case probably differs a lot from child to child and some will need more encouragement, it’s just a funny story I like to tell :)
Really interesting topic btw, I love these videos where you analyse Germans, you seem to get them very well !!!
Acknowledging that you had you're hair cut is already the utmost of recognition, because it's already enough to show a person that you pay attention and care about their whereabouts
Ich finde es auch erstaunlich, wie höflich Deutsche sind. Sie unterhalten sich auf englisch. Dabei soll Antoinette doch deutsch lernen. Ich habe nen Freund, Brasilianer, der war mir immer sher dankbar, wenn ich ihn verbessert habe.
I'm German myself and I would also react positively if a little kid draws me a picture :) So I don't quite understand why her kindergarten teacher just didn't really react to it :/ I would say it's not the norm to be as honest to kids the same way as to adults.
I think it is a bit different here in Bonn. My friends to give compliments quite often (asking where I bought my clothes, that I cooked something well). But like you said just they tend to be honest and the same way they just say that something is not nice. I come from Brazil where we compliment everyone all the time but I prefer how people act in Germany.
I don't! I'm just anxious... I guess we generally don't want to be intimidating... But there's a lot of tropes and clichés that I don't know.
Also I love your voice 😉
I'm from Austria, living in Germany and the mentality is similar in both countries. After traveling to the US a few times I started giving out compliments even around here, but only if I mean it. If someone seems to be in need of a pick-me-up, I try to find something nice to say, but you are right, often it's hard for people to accept this kind of feedback. I think it's harder for women than men, and that might have to do with the education of women and the humility that is expected of them. Many are taught that they should reject a compliment at first and only if the giver repeats it, it's honest...
I decided not to play by those rules, I give out nice feedback if appropriate and enjoy if I get it.
As far as comments on your hair are concerned - acknowledging that you've done something to it is almost as good as saying that it looks nice. It means "I see you, I register changes, you do have significance". At least that's how I experience those comments :)
lol this sounds as if we germans are about crushing our children, which is wrong.. ofc we do tell our children that the picture they drew is nice and praise what they did.
i also don't think that the reaction of the kindergarten teacher was common. normally you would at least say something like "ohhhhh dankeschön, das hast du aber toll gemacht"
p.s. i did not mention it on your singing video, but you have a nice singing voice for sure.. and what makes it even better is the fact that you wrote the song yourself...
someone would have to try to be mean on purpose to say otherwise..