Defuse An Aggressive Verbal Confrontation
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- Опубликовано: 19 окт 2024
- This video offers a technique for remaining calm during a verbal confrontation.
When confronted by an angry, aggressive person we often feel forced into defensiveness (shield) or retaliation (sword); this is rarely constructive and usually ruins our day. Rather than get drawn into combat, it is often better to allow the angry person to realize that aggression is not necessary. This can be accomplished by not even picking up a shield or sword.
Basically, calm yourself down and think of your calmness as a gift you would like to give this person.
But you have to have that gift of calmness to give it.
You can’t give them what you don’t have.
I did this last week! The guy came to me very angry and i and i tried to focus in my breathing for the first seconds... i woke up a few minutes later with a black eye and bloody mouth, but yes, i was calm!
João Fernandes lol
HAHAHA!!
João Fernandes better git gud with some jujitsu brah.
breathe deeply and get out of the persons space. I am serious!! Some crazy guy was ready to punch me and I got out of his space. I was breathing deeply but watching for signs if he was going to punch me or not. I was ready block his punch as I knew he was ready to attack me but i kept my hands up in the air in an non agressive way. So i kept myself in the safe zone from a physical attack. Stay out of the persons space who is physically and or verbally angry!!
LMAO
1:57 that face there will get you punched alone
Hahahaha
😂😂😂😂
Staring at them in silence (even smiling) after they've asked you a question could be taken as a direct insult, especially if they think you're smirking, and even more so if you have done something which warrants their anger. I feel this could work in some situations and aggravate others.
He looked like he was smirking to me 😂
I don’t believe that at all, people get the idea that you're a coward and take advantage of it, the way i deal with it is show authority, confidence, and pay attention to everything thing around me, without looking nervous, that's how i trained for my job as a security officer, it works for me 99% of the time, if it doesn't i try to de-escalate the situation until the cops show up, the way people perceive you is what matter, if you show fear they'll take advantage of it, if you show strengths and confidence they will back off, the Darwinian theory still works. Breathing comes naturally by being calm and confident
Thanks I find the advice given in the video more helpful between couples.
I wished I'd listen to your video 4 days ago,, next time ok : )))
I have watched a lot of useless videos about this subject. But this one is good. Thanks ❤️✝️
I like your charisma and the way you explaining and talking , thanks a lot man ❤🙏
Thank you; you are welcome.
excellent video, your emitting a strong vibration here it also beams full confidence and control. This advice is genius. New subscriber.
Im not sure of this would work for situations I've been in but you voice and face seem very relaxing so that was great
Yeah he has such a benign face it would be hard to stay angry at him 😃
I’ve been doing this and it works a lot because instead of me getting angry back and acting stupid I just stay calm
Yes thank you I wish I have viewed this before and I anyways this video will help me because there's always someone there in front of me blaming me falsely and confronting me without knowing me or not liking me for no reason.
I have a very long term cough. It's not COVID. I've had it for 30 years operations, drugs trials , you name it! I wear a mask and cover my mouth. I get verbally attacked by strangers lately on a regular basis. Today was bad. This is brilliant. I will try it next time and maybe post an update! I get tired of defending myself ...
A situation like this happened to me before. In short, I made an honest mistake in public and I was confronted angrily about it, but because I remained calm and collected about the situation the guy that got angry with me came back later and confronted me in an extremely calmer tone as though as if he was never really upset with me to begin with.
Perfect. Good job dude, not always easy to do.
Brilliant! This is def helpful. Thank you. Do you have more info on diffusing, deescalating?
Thank God 🙏 I listen to this before 4 days.
U know I just saved myself I didn't respond with anger so the more anger he was the more calm I was and sid lets talk logical now I think I even made him my friend let's see what's going to happen in 4 days
"That really sounds difficult... That's life heh?" If someone said that to me, it might make me angrier. If I said that to someone, either I'd get smacked or get a door slammed in my face. It actually sounds offensive, because it doesn't sound sincere and like you weren't listening.
Jer M If someone hands you a gift (thier anger) and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? And now, is it appropriate for the bearer of the gift to strike you if you don't accept the gift?
very true. This man in the video is not careful in his choice of words. The calm part is good, but not his choice of words.
@@personaldevelopmentperspec4384 Thanks for your video. I also feel that this might escalate rather than deescalate. You write that it wouldn't be appropriate for the bearer of the gift to strike. But who says they care?!
@@personaldevelopmentperspec4384 That sounds lofty and unrelatable. I understand that's a Buddhist quote, right? The only concern should not be whether or not you accept the anger they're trying to give you, but also whether or not they remain angry. If they do, they might find a way to forcefully gift you their anger if all you do is respond with dismissive remarks.
I sure hope this helps me today, I’m trying to not be hostile when people start throwing metaphorical jabs at me because I’m about to have a very important conversation today. Thank you for making the video.
In my opinion this is a very passive aggressive way to deal with people. I'd rather calmly validate, offer solutions and allow for choice.
Excellent !!!! I found it helpful. I can't wait to start practicing more. I've known for many years slow breathing helps to calm down persons involved in interactions of many different types, for example aggression, or assaults of various types. But for me it's been mostly theoretical. I'd like to learn more about choosing my battles (or my negotiations) rather than always running away. Of course there's the cost of such practice. How many times do i need to get bloodied-n-bashed before i can use slow breathing with confidence ? Will i survive such training and such an ambition ???
quaz imodo how?
@@normadeluna3349 if u read my posting above you'll see i texted *it's been mostly theoretical.* Isn't it logical to assume i don't know any *practical* ways how to do it ??? (Do you understand the difference between things THEORETICAL and things PRACTICAL ?????? This is key.) I assume the worst. Without years and years of experience and correct practice . . . any beginner is risking getting bloodied-n-bashed. Be my guest. In other words you *DON'T* take your beginner - level skills into a full blown aggressive confrontation. Doing so is the height of folly.
this guy would piss me off
Good tips. I ve been working on it and really works. Before that I couldn't stand any kind of confrontation, it had been ruining me. Started working on it very late, in my 30 th.
If the anger is a fire, lower your anger to a frost.
This is an everyday occurrence in US.
So true. I did this in a family situation and it worked!
Respect is so closely related to trust that you can't have one without the other. You can get compliance from authority or power but you need trust for true respect. Also If love is involved, the trust and respect are much higher. When solving difficult problems, respect becomes a gray area. All difficult conversations risk offense.
If I only listen to you when it it a benefit to myself and when it isn't, I devalue your input, I am not in a mutually beneficial relationship, I am in a toxic relationship.
As I see it, it’s utilizing your breathing as well as your subcommunications so you can easily Speak directly to their subconscious mind. It’s like influencing them on multiple layers of communication with out saying much. Wow powerful stuff.
I'm sure that face would get me knocked out lol
I have used some similar techniques to defuse an angry person. Your calmness and seemingly lack of fear can trigger nervous anxiety in the angry person which will destroy their confidence of winning the conflict and thus cause them to back down.
It does not work with everyone though. Sometimes you have to summon every ounce of pure rage inside you and let it show in your eyes as you breath like an angry bull - as this can also make the angry person think twice in approaching you.
If you feel like they are going to resort to violence - get the first punch in quick lol
Get them the question there reality! Break the the image and you break them. Smile at your enemy's, it confuses them.
Exactly..even more confusing! Psychopath 😐
There's people I've dealt with whose reaction to your silence would be to attack your long pause, either that you're dumb, or have nothing to say, or just continue their tirade.
Thank you, much appreciated! 👍
You're assuming that the angry person has some kind of rational thought process. When I don't respond the way they expect, they freak out even more because they think they're dominating. Eventually, I just walk away without a word, leaving them ranting and raving behind me.
Failing that, a busted nose usually quiets them down.
I usually just draw my samurai sword, and they are gone.
In Mario land. 👍
Very helpful.. thank you.. Hope I can be consistent with this or at least learn to not pay attention to what someone might say about me.
nice video man thanks for this helpful tip.may God bless you brother
The first useful video dealing with this theme I came across
I miss this!!! Waiting for more videos, Mark!!
Excellent!! I've actually did that to a police officer once by default . Worked like a charm. Changing your environment by changing your emotions or more important your feelings. Also works great for discharging any residual feeling in yourself from a negative interaction. Also works as screener that let's you when a person doesn't self correct from the shift that things could escalate to violence.. Good Stuff!!
Perfectly put and very self-aware.
tnq for this they should've taught us these things in school
Well spoken. Another way I can maybe respond would be um got to learn something unique today and say nothing else.
Thank you! This helps me a lot! I have subscribed to your channel.
Awesome video. Wish you'd upload more of this content
@Mark Hey man, how do you cope defuse and deescalate an angry neighbor who threathens to kill you, i dont want to be one that is doing it to him he is very narrow minded and he handles in a unsuspected way of anger handling..
I like this video...going to check out your other videos now.
Omg tears rolling down my face, thank you so much for this technique, this can save my life!!
I wish I had seen this years ago. My daughter is truly mentally ill,and I have never known how to deal with her extremely aggressive, verbal behavior.
She's been gone for two years,and she's worse than ever. Tomorrow she's leaving, but I know I'll hear it again, so this time I'm going to try this. Wish me luck!
:(
so how it worked?
I did something similar the other day. Someone accused me of misplacing paperwork and I defended myself. My self defense was taken as attitude and began shouting demanding I "lose the attitude". I just looked back at him and calmly said, "sure man. Whatever. You do you."
The boss heard us and pulled me aside and asked if He should know what that was all about or if He should drop it. I told him it was no big deal,he just misplaced some paperwork and to leave it.
*Note* turned out the paperwork was in his (yelling guy) area all along. Lmao!
Ok Agent 47 thanks for the tips
Fuck i did this to a manager who tried to get a reaction out of me. i can confirm this worked a little bit. he was angry at me and my performance, and he proceeded to tell me i was incompetent, and I told him that I felt i was. he gave his suggestion that I should use a cart to organize product from a pallet and I told him that perhaps I should get a cart then. he then compared my performance to another employee who was given a completely different task than I was. while wasting time on the floor when I could've gotten another cart, and followed his suggestion, which i did because I knew he was infact right. he walked with me all the way to the backroom and I explained that I was kinda brain dead and I had a lack of sleep, and I apologized for not applying my knowledge to an unfamiliar side of the store. His tone became more level. i got a cart and resumed work. he commented on how my performance improved, and I told him thank you for his kind advice. he did a double take, and said "you may think i'm incompetent but I know this side of the store". I was angry at him and I felt he could've told this to me in a simpler more calm manner.
Very nice video! Thanks!
You are welcome.
Great video! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you; you are welcome.
Thank you for this.
I loved it I have an angry verbal abusive. Stepdad. So unused. Youre technique. And it worked. He turned. Pale cause. Usually. I was agrasive. But after. Resraching on how. Not. Argue I won. A lot thanks. Bro I m happier and i didnt go to jail for killing an old drmented man
I like your lighting, what if you had some object in the scene too? Just a suggestion.
From which text book did this advise emerge? I would enjoy the read. Are your encounters in a controlled environment, or face to face with a hostile subject? I'm no expert, but I would like to learn more. Thank you for the video!
It's rather ironic most explosive people are equally vulnerable of their own insecurities pointed out. AHHHH GOD, I'M NOT PERFECT, WHY DID YOU REMIND ME, WHAT A WORLD...probably haven't hugged in years.
Can also increase the anger in them as well you project arrogance to them
I liked the video amd is very helpful.
Sometimes, theres not much time to think of the breathing when another is attacking with smallest, imperceptible things; pushing to answer or to shut one up. I opt not to speak because thats manipulation, they want submission, I know that I end up crying if I engage in that kind of conversation.
Anger is like a raging firing flame that ....
needs to be tamed
Thanks Mark
I work in a call centre and I cry all the time
This makes perfect sense. Unfortunately I've been the calm one and it got me punched, kicked and my head through the wall. Maybe this applies to normal people that actually want resolution and not just a punching bag. I like this though, I'm definitely going to calm my breathing because it's true. That is the first thing that locks up on me resulting in fear and anxiety. Thank you, love your videos!
I am sad to see your confrontations have gone beyond verbal. I wish you the best and leave you with a question I ask myself constantly when considering what I should do: What would somebody who loves and respects themselves do?
Amazing the person with the highest energy frequency wins.
The Key i believe is creating a social space or gap in the conversation when someone is angry, the lack of an immediate response trigger's a massive echo in their own mind's. You cannot control the person, but you can control yourself and through that put them infront of a mirrior. Of course this isn't the case for every scinario, like in the event you actually did something wrong.
Staring is intimidating. Not calming. And in the animal kingdom, staring evokes the fight or flight response. In some places in cities, you'd get beaten to a bloody pulp. I recommend not staring.
That's why he said gently staring.
What's wrong with standing your ground.....gently :)
*gently*
We will be pussys like YOU
How I view de-escalation :
it just means to be nice to a person, to send a positive energy to a person
for example, if one day my neighbor asks me to help him carry heavy bags
if he is smiling to me, and speaking to me in a nice way, I will help him
because he sent me a positive energy
if he isn't smiling to me, and speaking in an obnoxious way, I won't help him
because he sent me a negative energy.
If you are nice to a person (aka sending a positive energy), the person will comply
If you are not nice to a person (aka sending a negative energy), the person won't comply
when you watch american police videos, cops are doing it wrong,
there is a person that is holding a knife,
and you have police officers yelling loudly and obnoxiously "DROP THE KNIFE !!"
they say that 50 times and the person never complies,
cops are not being nice to the person, therefore, the person never complies,
but now, if the cops talk nicely and quietly with a smile and say "we understand you have problems in your life, tell us your problems, you and us can make something together"
here, they are being nice to the person,
the person is going to comply
this just made my day!
I've tried for 5 decades ..... everything. This technic actually makes my abusers even more angry. Now days I just act like I don't care. Sometimes, I take a hot of weed and just let it bounce off the wall.
Coming here after watching No chill, and public freakout compilations
TheTinXe went and searched this up for prep haha
@@alicks9966 your damn right I did lmao
ya'll funny guys in the comments: if you responding to someone's angry confrontation by just looking at them means you get punched in the face, you were going to get punched in the face either way. so..
Excellent! I will try this! Thanks...
NOT !!!
This guy looked me in the eye the hole time in this video
Genius!
Thank you for the advice. 😁 There are a few hot heads working on construction sites these days and this can do much to diffuse them. We all must remeber that anger is not the issue at hand. Instead, the issue lies underneath the anger. It is merely a symptom of the problem. Therefore, diffusing the situation will inherently lead to resolving the underlying issue sooner. Responding in kind with anger only serves to vent your mental and emotional energy.
what is the person is drunk? do we just leave the scene?
The Holy Bible teaches in the book of Proverbs (chapter 15):
1. "A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
3 The eyes of the LORD are in every place,
keeping watch on the evil and the good.
4 A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
5 A fool despises his father's instruction,
but whoever heeds reproof is prudent."
*the key teaching that I'm trying to point out here is verse number 1. A gentle word (response) turns away wrath (anger). Look at verse 1. If someone comes to you angry or all crazy, be gentle and try to diffuse it by responding back kindly and gently and with not strong words that would worsen the situation. If the guy is becoming hostile and you sense that he/she will become violent towards you, AGAIN try to diffuse it IF YOU"RE ABLE, but if there's no way, then defend yourself (either Fight or Flight), but if you do engage in physical defense, MAKE SURE THERE'S WITNESSES. WHY? because afterwards when he or she hurts you phsyically or assaults you (even), then your best option is TO CALL THE POLICE OR LAW ENFORCEMENT. He or she will be MUCH MORE HUMBLED when they get arrested and booked and put into jail and lose their FREEDOM. Remember......Be wise in your decisions and actions. This also includes how you respond to people and what words you choose.
*I don't know YOUR NAME, SIR, in the video, but you're choice of words were not wise and may even be aggravating the situation. If I was angry and someone told me, "That's difficult" or even worse, "That's life...", I would become aggravated. Plain and simple. Instead, listen to what they say and respond with a proactive solution in a gentle, kind, self-controlled, calm manner. Do not react, but pro-act. If someone at work has a short temper or you live among angry people, get away from them or avoid associating with them AS YOU COULD AND MOST LIKELY WILL PICK UP THEIR HABITUAL ANGERY CHARACTER.....AND BECOME THAT ANGRY PERSON TOO. MAKE NO ANGRY person your friend. Its toxic and DESTRUCTIVE. You want to be around peaceful people who are mature enough to deal with their anger in a healthy way. 2 ways that are destructive when dealing with anger: Implosion (internalizing it), or exploding (ventilating it). You don't want to do this. Rather, the biblical way is to put your energy in solving the problem at hand. Try to solve the obstacle/problem/difficult situation/ challenge in a healthy and positive way. Ask for help from others if you need to.
When you feel anger, where in your body do you feel your anger? Point to it. Describe the feeling and realize that it lives not outside of you but in your judgment of what is outside of you. Judgment is the poison that we received from eating of the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. All human suffering comes from judgment; judgment causes grasping. Please do not believe this, simply ponder it briefly and it may become self-evident. At any rate, this video simply provides a tool, just as a "soft answer" is a tool, self-defense is a tool,police are a tool and there is not a tool in this universe that will work for every situation (except possibly non-judgment). The more tools we have at hand, the more effective we will be. Please read the video description for further clarification and thank you for your response.
@@personaldevelopmentperspec4384 Your welcome. -Anger is a perceived 'injustice'. Sometimes its righteous, but MOST OFTEN its not. Its builds inside us, and if left unattended, it will boil up. Most people ventilate it. Some internalize it. Those who choose to internalize it...over time, will blow up when it reaches a 'tipping point'. This is the dangerous person of the two. Unless God intervenes to help him/her deal with it properly, they will end up hurting themselves and/or others. [The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the solution]. side note: the majority of the world only know how to deal with anger these 2 ways (internalizing it or ventilating it as it comes). Both are unhealthy and sinful. The biblical way of dealing with our anger, is to put the energy into solving the problem or the obstacle at hand. Most people struggle with anger. ANGER RADIATES. It's stressful.
You're right about judgement being the poison we received from the Tree of knowledge of Good & Evil. The true poison though is-----> Sin. Thus all human suffering comes from Sin. Because our first parents disobeyed God, each (male and female) received a curse. Learn those curses in Genesis 3. We never had suffering at first, until they disobeyed God. And since we are descendants from Adam & Eve by 'ordinary generation' (sex), we inherit Adam's nature. Most people in the world recognize it as "WE'RE not perfect....or....Nobody's perfect". But truly, its because we're born sinners. We have a fallen nature. And by this nature, we're spiritually dead. We lost communion with God (our Creator). We need to be regenerated and born-again (spiritual birth) to be reunited again in communion God. Read John 3:1-8.
*Are you a born-again Christian? How do you know about Scripture?
Thank you Mark!
Thank you for that video very helpful, next time my husband comes at me with the verbal attacking mode I will try that.
I had a guy chase me in November 2021 when I screamed at him for cutting me off and almost hitting the back of my car 🚗. It was a really scary 😟 situation and I’m glad I wasn’t hurt or no property damaged but more importantly that I was okay ✅.
Useful indeed. Does work. Thanks
i am not often confronted with agressive people but when it happens, i get slight physical trembling/ shudders,.. could that be adrenalin? it is very uncomfortable. yeah focus on breathing i think is a good plan, maybe not staring but yeah anyway diffuse the situation, usualy i walk away without saying much, but in the end it's kinda frustrating sometimes when you weren't in the wrong but you still had to conceide? i dunno i guess i wish i was a bit taller and i had more physical overweight that would have helped a lot i guess
Thank you for your comment. For me, it underscores the importance of "frame control" and focus. Your frame (how you view life in the moment) is the most important thing in the world. Dot not let someone influence your frame unless it is HELPFUL in some way. Literally maintain focus on what is important and valuable to you and allow the other individual/s to do the same. When someone has their focus pulled into another's frame, they lose themselves and are unable to lead their own life; they simply become a follower in someone else's. Good day, and thank you.
So just today a client of mine threatened me.
He first demanded an immediate refund, which I simply do not do. So I refused, and tried to explain to him how I handle refunds.
Then started accusing me of dubious practices, and how he would smear my store with leaflets. To which I said, I welcome the free advertisement.
He started yelling more, implying he would use force. At this moment I stood up, and confronted him, and I am a tall, and heavy dude. I totally had him, and I told him that in the words "how do you expect this will go down if you were to touch me?".
He then went ouf of his mind when I also said to him he was also being recorded, so he better calm down. Recording with CCTV is pretty standard in an electronics store by the way. But he was furious. I told him to calm down some more times.
He then threatened damaging my store next, which made me mad, and to which I replied that I knew who he was, and had his contact information, and I anything were to happen to my store at this point I would immediately go after him with an indictment. I asked him to leave my store. He would not.
Then said I would call the police if he would not. He complied and left eventually. Nothing was resolved.
Could I have handle this any better? I did not touch him, and he was screaming so loud at one moment, that he was spitting at me. Should I have pushed him at this moment? Punched him? What? What about what happens next? Should I proceed with an indictment for assault? Or simply refund him as nothing ever happened to rid of him?
A description of how I do business.
In my line of work it goes like this. I order something for my clients, they pay in advance covering the full cost of that item, and when it arrives I deliver it to them, and receive a small fee from them as compensation. I order stuff from all over the place, ebay, aliexpress, bangood, gearbest, or even online shops they tell me in specific.
"When" it arrives is the key statement here. Because sometimes there is a huge delay of even months from our country's customs offices, or simply sometimes items get lost, or destroyed. So what I tell them goes like this.
"That item will normally arrive in about 18-30 days, but if it's stuck in customs, or lost, or something happens to it, then I have no idea how much it will take. If at any given time you (the client) think that it has just taken too damn long (month and over), I can enquire on that, and start refund procedures. That usually takes about 1-2 weeks". So I tell all that, to each, and every one of them. Some of them agree, or some go on their merry way.
Thank you, I will put the techniques to work. When confronted with such scenarios.
You are welcome.
this made me more agitated about my hypothetical problem
Be sure to read the description. The unspoken message (or frame) of this "practice" is that: I will not fight and I will not run. However, use what works FOR YOU. If this video does not help you then disregard and find one that does. Cheers.
Every time I see a completely bald man, and find him to be handsome, I hope that I too may be of them.
I'm skeptical, but seems interesting. I'd love to see a first-person follow-up video in, say, a real-life road rage encounter.
Excellent stuff
"be the slowest breathing person in the room"
WOW! It sounds so simply, stupid even. But what a transformative effect it has!
What happen if your in a grave yard 😂
Michael Keaton went bald.
I know this is very great advice and all but am I the only one who bussed out laughing when he said “calmly and gently say nothing”.
I did this to my Ex-Wife while she ranted and barked in the halls of divorce court. It worked beautifully!!
She nearly shot thru the ceiling: I gave her NOTHING to "grab" onto, to continue her Diatribe.
After she slithered away, several Court deputies came over to shake my hand!
They were thinking I was going to pounce on Mz. Vaa'voom and would need to intervene.
(which is EXACTLY what the Selfish Loudmouth wanted!)
As has been said previously, when someone pushes this Crap at you, REFUSE DELIVERY!!
Believe me, you'll gain Self-Power AND Self-Respect moving forward.
You'll definitely Cancel that person's Modus Operandi in the future as well!
I normally encountered with such situation many times... but today I had to shot back! Some people they have a right to abuse minorities because it seems they have a right over Us! I had to shot back at a time I knew it was right of me to do so but later I realised that I should have just ignored him and let it be. But it's a lesson learned. My last mistake is my teacher. 🙇
If you've done this a lot, could I ask what you do to make these people angry at you in the 1st place?
People are just crazy and will get upset at everything
@@Rationalist101 true, but he seems to have been in an abnormal amount of these type of situations 🤔
My uncle used to do that. He gets very calm almost in a meditative state and then he lights up a cigarette and says I am old and bored. One more step and I will cut your guts out of your body. Then he calmly smokes his cigarette. It frightens people and they walk away. So yes I agree.
Ignore the aggressor or walk away if at all possible. There no way to reason with an idiot because no matter what you say they will not listen.
Thank you for advice :) that's great
Thanks man
Awesome thank you
This guy looks like smeegle. Or maybe it's just because he looks like his ring has been destroyed. Still gonna like the vid.
Is there any way, I can personally get a hold on you.
Haha I’m training to be an officer, I can’t just say “that’s life”. Haha really good video it helped me a bunch