My oldest doesn't like hugs, but I thrive on them. He is cool with palm touches so we will put.our hands up to each other and lean in a bit, and that is our hug. It meets my need for hugs and meets his need to not be hugged.
I'm so glad you found something that works, my mom is still struggling with her adult children not wanting hugs and my sister goes with a "once a year as a Christmas present I'll allow it" policy whereas I send my boyfriend as a stand-in...
If I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, my fiance has been starting to just take note without me saying anything and just makes me a cup of coffee that he serves to me in bed to help incentivize me to get up. It melts me every time. He approaches something that is typically met with anger and resentment and yelling and treats it with compassion, which helps so much.
I have a similar one! They’re awesome. I have always thought I’m lazy. They’re the first person who tells me: ‘I see how hard you work’ and they know it’s not the niceness of the bed that is a problem - it’s the transition. Hence: coffee.
My boyfriend did this to me this morning and it really helped! He too has ADHD, so he understands. Now it's my turn to do it when he's the one struggling. :')
@@SonsOfLorgar I think he actually believes in what he's selling I watched the first couple minutes of his video and he actually said "this video will probably go viral, and I'll probably be a wanted man" lol
Thankfully my older son LOVES to cuddle and he'll be 18 in April.... However, my, currently 16 yr old daughter, who will be 17 in August, reminds me of my Maternal Grandmother, who just Never liked any kind of hugging or cuddling or Anything to do with being physical, for the sake of showing affection. I hate it. She'll let her brother, the one mentioned above, love on her, and her father and stepmother, whom she lives with, but not me. I'm the one who handled her like a Pro when she was a "velcro" baby, and now, I barely get a hug when I drop her off back at her father's. I pray it gets better as she gets older, but it's probably going to be a "pipedream"..... 😏😔
I like cuddles, but, sometimes, I don't want to be touched. After work or a particularly stimulating environment, I need some time to myself to let my sensory threshold go back up before I am ready for cuddles.
@@jayme3557 i’m sorry for you. Maybe you can ask why she doesn’t let you? I don’t really like it when my mom gives me a “soft” hug, but I do let her hug me harder (if that makes sense). It could also be that she doesn’t really like hugs from anyone but maybe she knows that she can be herself with you. I hope you understand my message, my English isn’t the best. I also hope you have a great day 😊
My wife is neurotypical, and one of the most useful accommodations is that she understands that when I forget things, is not personal. This has allowed me to feel safe when recognizing I just forgot that one thing she asked me, and instead of arguing, we immediately jump to what can we do now, what’s the best mitigation to the consequences.
Thats what I try to get people to do in situations like that. When something goes wrong, don't point fingers and say "this is your fault". But instead say "this went wrong, what are our options for fixing it". Choose the best course of action and do the best you can. No argument necessary!
With 2 neurodivergent people in the household, hiring a professional organiser was 100% the best decision we ever made. It's not made everything perfect, but at least we aren't independently coming up with and implementing and tweaking two separate systems now!
That is what I need a professional organizer amongst other things someone to figure out what to make for dinner after I stress about it for three hours For instance I can’t even make up my mind what entrée to make what vegetable to go with it as my husband is so picky not to mention my offspring I am so simple I will eat anything I think that they have the messed up brain not me no way brains !!
Because of past abusive relationships, I’ve been conditioned to think I am “needy” whenever expressing a need. This has impacted dating and will impact future relationships because I’m still scared of asking for my needs.
I think the biggest clue is if you feel safe enough to articulate your needs. That is usually easier to figure out, and then reassuring yourself you can be honest because they are a safe person. If you dont feel safe, they are not safe, and it is time to look elsewhere
I've learned that repeatedly asking someone who either is unable or does not want to meet my needs, will not get my needs met. For me, it's less about knowing how to ask for my needs, it's about surrounding myself with healthy and supportive people. That has made it much easier to ask, receive and provide for others.
"If you grew up in an environment where your parents emotions always came first you may have learned to abandon your needs in order to feel loved" I don't know if that resonates with you but I just scrolled through my phone gallery for 10 mins trying to find that quote that a friend put on her Insta. Hopefully it helps someone ❤. (Also related to perfectionism, always walking on egg shells and worst case scenario thinking)
My wife has anxiety and some associated disorders. I have ADHD. Each evening, she makes a list of things that are absolute top priorities for her explicitly so that I can take action on them while she gets ready for bed. That way I don't feel lost about what would actually serve her. Then we talk about what we've been feeling that day because I have trouble slowing down to check in with her. That helps her feel seen and cared for.
This is really great. I struggle with slowing down too and in the past has made my partners feel like I don’t care about them. It’s awesome she is willing to share a list that makes things explicit.
Me: ADHD, ASD, & dyslexic; wife: ADHD; kids: all of the above. Primary thing we have to do? Make sure any one of us is not over fixating on something irrelevant. That is a full time job for all of us.
It's good to have a full time job. Even when it's hard. Even when the job doesn't always seem rewarding at the time. Which I think I'm saying to convince and remind myself. Oh, and I probably shouldn't over fixate on irrelevant comments. Thanks for that reminder.
I have autism and alexithymia - the line me and my (NT)wife use for direct communication is " do you want it fixed or do you want understanding" . My brain always defaults to fix things, so knowing that sometimes she just wants to be listened to or cuddled meets her needs too and helps me understand situations I would otherwise get wrong.
Invaluable advice. Learned this one too late. Even still, it can be very difficult to put into practice. I also can't help but judge when people don't want to fix something and it can be really frustrating. I can't help but take it personally because, to me, taking the time and energy to work out a solution means someone cares and wants to alleviate pain, whereas just listening is akin to not helping a drowning man. Can be very difficult.
This is actually a really hard topic. I was with a fellow aspie once, and i was so patient with him cuz i know how it feels to be unfairly barred. But there came a point in the relationship where I set myself down, I cleared my mind, and cleared my heart. I asked myself, his condition is one thing, but is he as a man trying? Distinguishing the two was hard, but I came to the conclusion that it was too easy to make excuses for him. Even more so than with a NT guy. To a degree, these conditions are something that we can work on and learn how to live with better. Just remember that you shouldn’t waste love, they have to meet you halfway. We have to be responsible for ourselves and our care
I have had this experience also. I made far too many accommodations, because I knew exactly how he felt. However I forgot to notice that he didn't make any accommodations that I needed at all, so I was just doing the emotional work for two, whilst he did none!
Thank you for sharing. I feel that I can relate. My previous partner has ADHD and I burnt out trying to help him manage it. Now, probably not a coincidence, but my current partner has it, too. I think I sometimes make too many excuses for my significant other. Because we both have the same condition, I keep thinking he'll eventually catch up with me. But there comes a point when you have to think of yourself first and let go. I still hope I we can figure things out and keep growing together.
I was with a guy for 4 and a half years. I'm pretty sure he has some lighter form of autism but he refuses to accept whatever is up with him. Face blindness, lack of [ability to express] empathy, and other things I figured I could deal with, but it got to the point where I realized I wasn't being treated with the level of relationship accommodations I gave him. "I have things you aren't interested in, and you have things that I'd rather not think about" is the kind of phrase I heard from him. I'm now dating a fellow ADHDer, and we really understand each other a lot better, and allow each other to have fun. It may take a while for dedicated neurodivergents to understand when to draw the line, but understanding when to stop hurting yourself helps. A bleeding heart is no good if you bleed yourself out.
I was in this position (two aspies together with history of depression for both.) In the end, I could only try to be understanding for so long. When I ended that relationship, I had to go back on my antidepressants - I was so burned out. It was just.. it didn't look like he was trying. He might have been - I know it doesn't always look like it when I am -but in that case he was just making very little to no headway and I couldn't keep on carrying the whole relationship.
I have ADHD, and one of my favourite chores to do around the house is washing the cleaning the kitchen. Because my family has an Amazon Alexa in it, I can listen to Steven Universe and dance around while I wash the dishes and my brothers are cleaning up upstairs. My parents understand that I like to have time alone and since I have a hyperfixation on SU, they let me listen to it while I straighten the kitchen and whatnot while everyone else is upstairs getting other things done. It's a small thing, but stuff like this really help me want to put effort into things and not just rush them. Another thing is the absolute blessing that my brother is. He's neurotypical, but he's just so empathetic that even though he *doesn't* know what my struggles feel like, it seems like he does. My family had to make a really big trip the other day, and not only did he make sure that I had everything before we left, but whenever I was getting overwhelmed, he made sure to check in on me and make sure that everything was good, which literally means the world to me. He's like my best friend, and I have no idea where I would be without him.
What you described in your first paragraph is me to a t... I wish that I live with people like your brother though because my pacing when I do the dishes drives my mom and dad nuts (my sisters don't mind as much)
Before I even knew I had adhd I used to body double with my ex for chores. My trigger for doing them was when she did hers, I'd just get up and help. She was a very understanding person who accommodated me without needing anything explained.
I seem to be one of the cases who like cleaning because it entails movement and thus can easily be combined with music or function as a part of activity preparation; however I would desperately need a body double for desk work. I have three different long-form writing tasks coming up, which is agonizing for me. I can't cast my partner for that role because he's very distractingly restless. In lockdown, I haven't found a single substitute for this problem because in the past, I entirely relied on the library and night shifts and I can't do either anymore. :/
@@PeachPlastic Have you tried being with someone on zoom as a substitute before? Partly asking because I haven't, not too sure how it would work or who I would ask.
My first marriage would not have worked out anyway, but the impairments caused by my undiagnosed, untreated ADHD made life so much harder. I spent decades convinced I was worthless, lazy, and irresponsible, and I stopped advocating for my needs because I was told I was making excuses for my inability to adult. Glad you found someone willing to work with your challenges; hopefully next time the same will be true for me.
@@giselleroberts1889 I can so relate to your story! I stopped advocating for myself too and that was the biggest underlying issue that doomed my relationship.
@@giselleroberts1889 wow, that strikes home, i find it hard to advocate for myself atm because of that ingrained thought of laziness or making excuses. Hard to see the line between self care and indulging to the outside world.
I have sleep problems, sometimes is just impossible for me to maintain a regular sleeping pattern. While I work on fixing it, an accommodation we have (since we have a two room apartment and we both work from home) is having separate rooms. Mine has a big bed, if I manage to get sleepy at night we sleep together in my room, if not, he has an individual bed in his room to sleep so I can use the night to do other stuff without bothering him
I wish I had set up my townhouse with my acts like this because I was more of a night owl and he had to be in bed at a specific time to wake up early for work every day. I am so glad that y’all figured that out!
We do the exact same thing in my partnership! Like most ADHD folks I have a hard time falling asleep at 10pm sharp when my boyfriend has to go to bed so thankfully we have a pull out bed in his office and he sleeps there probably 5 nights a week and then on the weekends when he doesn’t have to be so strict with his bedtime I try and get to bed earlier so we can sleep next to each other. I do miss cuddling at night but he comes in early and cuddles me in the morning a lot of the time which is nice. It’s cut down on a lot of conflict for us to do this.
I can’t thank you enough for teaching me to handle my ADHD in a way my mom with degrees in psychology and social work (and over 30 years as a rock star CPS work) and even my therapist can’t explain. My anxiety is so much better just understanding my condition. I’m even speaking to a mental health nursing class next month at the local university! I was hoping to see a Chloe cameo!
Yeah no, not letting crap that fly. Richies comment is not a "cure" - in itself a red flag, its a self promoted video, takes 10m to GET to the "cure" and shares the same meandering behavior as scammers to get you hooked and lost, and only applies to parents to control their children (emotional manipulation) and people capable of seeing images in their mind (anyone suffering from any degree of aphantasia).
I stopped trying to date and started asking my friends who they knew that they might not want to date, but who might be a good fit for me. When my friend's new husband said that the way I talk reminded him of someone, I got really excited! So he introduced us.That's how I met my husband. Reaching out to others for help as judges of character might be a good way of identifying new friends or romantic interests to pursue. I wish you luck. I didn't have a boyfriend till I was 25, but I tried to use that time to work on being my best self while I waited to mature and figure out what I was looking for.
Also audhd here. After my diagnosis, my nt husband (of 20 years) and I started having problems as I was unmasking. We ended up seeing a communication coach who specialises in nd/nt communication. It saved our marriage. Leaving this comment so others can know they’re not alone, it can happen to anyone, and it’s not hopeless. Edit; and I put this comment on the wrong video :) I’ll copy paste to the correct video but leave it here too!
Getting into couple’s therapy is one of the best things that me and my partner could have done for our relationship. People assume that if you’re going to couple’s therapy that your relationship must be broken, but it’s also a useful tool for BEFORE you break down. There are times that we’re able to put aside a disagreement that could have soured our entire night/week and save it for therapy because we know we have a safe, mediated place to talk about it. I’d recommend it to anyone.
Does anyone else struggle with feeling like they’ll always be a burden to their loved ones? I feel like I’ll never find someone who’s willing to be with me and accommodate me in the ways I need or want, especially because my struggles aren’t anyone else’s obligation.
The saying about someone is out there for everyone is true. When you meet the right person, they won’t be “burdens” to be dealt with, they’ll be things that endear you to your partner. You are loved. Stay strong.
This is how I feel 100%. Like Im happy my partner bring me my pills every night and gets into these rituals with me that I just truly feel like Im a burden and he will get tired at one point. I hate living scared.
Yup. I am 40 and still live with my parents. I feel like a complete mooch because i have always had trouble making enough money in the real world. So i just feel like im a burden financially and would like to be more financially independant. I remember my last x was 5 years ago and she said she didnt get my brain which helped me realize im neurodivergent. She wanted me to move out and live on my own to see if i was able to independant. I felt that was dumb to be suggested but i guess she felt i wouldnt be good with keeping up with household stuff. Im hoping i can get help somehow. I got tested for adhd and said im not diagnosable for adhd but two of the parameters are low, executive function and one other thing. So i just feel like a lost broken alien.
My husband has Aspergers and ADHD, I have ADHD. We were both diagnosed within months of each other and our relationship is so much better for it. We understand ourselves and each other so much more now and don’t get quite so frustrated with each other’s “flaws”. Neurodivergent relationships just need patience and understanding. It’s not always easy, but having someone who just GETS you is priceless.
I wish my husband and I had received diagnoses. I'm finally pushing to get one for myself now but I never knew what it was about us that made us different and we would lose patience with each other's foibles. After having a child and having to cope with being locked down together for so much time in the pandemic, we've split up. We've moved on now romantically but we'll always love each other and be best friends. A diagnosis can lead to acceptance and understanding that what you're dealing with isn't a 'fault', it's an adhd trait. We need more acceptance of this condition.
I thrive on hugs, and a friend doesn't, so I came up with a method of hugging (or took to her method of hugging, can't remember which) - elbow nudges. One time I said, "Here's your not-a-hug!" ....she grabbed me into a great big hug, and I felt SO. VERY. LOVED!!!!! I think I nearly cried in front of her because my perception of her disliking hugs and her perception of it was different, so the hug was one of the most pleasantly surprising things. 🤗
My husband and I both have ADHD so we have a shared google calendar that we put things in. We write down grocery lists on a white board. We overcommunicate about everything as much as possible. We allow ourselves and each other to say things like "I don't want to talk right now" and "I want to be alone right now". If I notice he's hyperfocused, I'll try to get his attention before talking to him instead of assuming he's not listening. If I'm having trouble with my emotional regulation or rejection sentivity I'll just tell him I'm grumpy or hurt. It's a LOT of talking about things.
One of the really odd things with my time blindness is that I always think something someone asks of me has to be done NOW, and it can panicme or cause me to disengage fromt the conversation to start the task. My lovey wife helps me simply by STARTING with the time frame (eg. 'in ten minutes could you..' or 'at some point today...') and then asking me to do the thing. It's a little thing, but it's amazing how much less stress I have day to day because of it. Hoping this tip helps someone else, esp. considering we hit on it by accident.
This irks me SO Much. I'm glad you realized and adjusted your self but I deal with this on a daily bases and its driving me mad and creating SO MUCH RESENTMENT! I'd ask my partner to do something then they get blustery and say "I'm not gonna do it right now!!!!" Then I'd get triggered and say how I never said "now" or I said a specific time that they missed, then they'd get more resistant and not even listen to the task I was asking for, or dismiss me before I could finish. Then several days later that task is still not done and I'm reminding them that I asked days ago which starts a fight because " I'm mad " that they didn't remember the very memorable tense convo where I asked and I'm obviously nagging them about something that never happened ( the task and the conversation about the task) Its such a lose-lose situation that I just give up and do everything myself, until maybe a week into the kitchen not being clean or some other indicator that I'm completely overwhelmed, they will do some small task and point out later that "they helped". I can never just ask for something and get a ":yes ill do it" or "okay, when does it need doing?" or a "no, i can't do that till later" Its always a battle , just asking,, that I lose. Then I get guilted about being "disappointed" when I am doing solo the things that would go more smoothly with a helper. But I still don't get help, just guilt that I am "being disappointed " as I struggle alone. Once , I asked for their company while I ginish a very physical task ( mind you , they said they help weeks prior but didn't..) Ask i was explaining how and why i was moving the way I was , to avoid injury, they got Angry and accused " you just showing me this cuz you want me to do it!". I had to point out that the task was 99% finished and I just wanted their company, but it felt so much like 'how dare you show me how to do the thing I never intended to do even tho I offered to?!" It hurt and confirmed that even asking for company instead of help is , in itself, a burden , because it makes them FEEL guilty and like a disappointment, and thats my fault too.
@@Metqa I hope you got out of that and found a relationship that actually supports you and your needs with someone who is willing to listen and understand
The person he's meant to be with wouldn't be too much for them. That's what people gotta understand. That's why dating is so important. You find out whether they are compatible with you or not.
Thank you from the future. My cousin (ASD) showed up at my house after 9 pm with no warning because their wife (ADHD) had just impulsively kicked them out. From the description I got it sounded like mutual overwhelm and conflicting needs. They'll probably be fine, but my cousin was understandably upset.
I've had to leave relationships because I have often felt that my needs were not being met despite trying to explain what my needs were. I think that as long as both parties are receptive and willing to work on things and find those accommodations, those relationships will last.
I have ADHD and my husband has autism. We were both only recently diagnosed. We have very different needs, and it took several years for us to find a balance between meeting each other’s needs but not over stepping the boundaries that our minds and bodies have naturally set. But nearly 12 years together and we’ve got it down! And I think that now knowing why our brains think and act and react how they do will help us even further. 🥰
I recently had a relationship fall apart between a partner who also has ADHD. We lived in filth and chaos and ultimately just stressed each other out when it came to domestic tasks. I wish there was more information on how to navigate a situation like that
My human DOES bring me my meds - I have to take my transplant meds every 12 hours, and right now that's 6am and 6pm. If I were left to my own devices, I'd miss that 6am pill every morning because I'm a Night Owl. He's an Early Bird, and leaves fpr wprk at 6am - so the last thing he does before he leaves is wake me up enough to take my pill. I can then go back to sleep. :)
Seconded! I'm really sensitive to anything that could possibly be interpreted as guilt-tripping or veiled insults, and it's easy for me to assume the most hurtful intentions. So whenever my partner says something that hurts my feelings, I step out of the room for a few minutes to calm down, then I come back and ask him what he meant. It has done wonders for us. I'm so glad I learned that habit.
Me and my partner are always trying to find relationship accommodations for each other as I have ADHD and he has Autism. Thank you so much for making this video as it is truly helpful as always!
Ohh!!! I’d love to see a video on our strengths in relationships! My partner and I try to look at things equitably, i.e. we don’t need to do every single thing in our relationship equally or 50/50, but overall, we do the same amount of work in our relationship. We look at what both our strengths are, and what we value as a couple. I will never cook or clean the dishes as much as him, and I don’t have anything to do with our joint finances (he honestly loves doing spreadsheets of our collective expenses)...BUT, I also bring a lot of emotional labor/repair skills into our connection. He still does work around cultivating those kind of relational skills of course, and I do do some cleaning and still transfer him money for my share of expenses, but I love that we’re able to look at what we’re both good at and go from there instead of needing to do everything the same. It’s liberating!
Awesome video! Me being the ADHD brain and my partner being autistic has definitely posed it’s roadblocks. Physical touch was a huge one for us to since it’s my love language and for him light touch makes him squirm. That was a really hard one for me to cope with especially with my rejection sensitivity. I felt so deeply hurt when he would pull away until he said to me “ I can feel your anxiety through your hands” I didn’t realize because I was anxious of his rejection, it was only perpetuating him feeling that anxiousness. Instead of him not feeling anything, he was feeling too much. So now I know confidence and personal space are two things I’ve had to grow to learn. And touching things or animals is a way to occupy my mind ( 3 cats help lol). But he loves when I scratch his back or give a firm massage, so that’s the way we have adapted to our needs. Now he will seek out my affection because we found a way that works for us. Wasn’t easy, but we both loved each other enough to figure out a way to make it work.
I love your comment. Thank you 😊 💓!!! I've known for years that I'm ADHD but I'm just discovering that I think my husband is autistic. I've been struggling with depression for years because of our relationship. The more I learn about autism, the more our relationship makes sense.
So, a small accommodation I ask for that feels like a really big one? The ability to multitask while having ‘serious’ conversations (or any, really). My friends get it, bc most are NDs too, but my romantic partner used to get really upset by it. Assumed I wasn’t listening, which I totally get (he has his own painful associations with being ignored). One way I’ve accommodated *him* is by giving him space/time to process during conflict. I process most things reallyyyy quickly, and my ADHD brain needed to get a handle on the fact that most people need time to de-activate and process; him not understanding something right away (within hours) wasn’t a sign of him not caring. Seems obvious, but it wasn’t to me!
😭🤕😭 This topic highlights what is probably the biggest reason I wish I had known I had ADHD earlier in my life, instead of watching the best things life gave me just fall apart over and over and over again. Better late than never? I can honestly say now I feel like there's hope for me, after having lost everything and everyone, and literally and completely giving up because there were no answers. Thank you for that Jessica. 🙏🖤🙏 It has been your channel that had the words and insight that clicked everything in place and made the world make sense for the first time in 43 years. Turns out I'm not just another savage after all! 🙏😭🤘😭🙏
Can I just ask have you taken medication for your adhd ? I only got diagnosed yesterday with autism and have now been sent for adhd. I’m 39 and really struggling with my brain.
This is the first video uploaded since I subbed. I found “How to ADHD” through your Ted Talk on ADHD, and immediately felt, not only at home but fresh cookies were in the oven lol. I was diagnosed with ADHD very recently in early 20s and after struggling in school my entire life, with out knowing why, I thought I was just dumb, and even after my diagnosis I had difficulty shaking that feeling. However, after watching your content and listening to you, I’m finding I relate to your videos and those in the comment section more so than anyone I met in my life. After feeling so confused for so long I finally can start anew. Thank you 😊 I usually don’t share too much but this video is brilliant. My parents definitely could have used the information in the video to help them many years ago.
Thank you for this!! I am autistic, my partner has ADHD, and I follow you for what I consider "lifehacks for mastering my brain," even though I don't actually have ADHD (but I relate strongly to the autistic neurotype of Pathological Demand Avoidance). It's really cool to see some autism-related content on your channel! I love and hugely appreciate your neurodiversity-positivity. :)
Great. Needs to be reciprocated though. Especially when both nero divers. If only one sided and one person makes all the accommodations while other uses their diagnosis as an excuse to stop trying.
This! I currently have a hard time figuring out if a friend of mine is actually trying to meet me half way or if I'm the only one putting in energy trying to hold space for both of us and accommodating. I have cptsd and she's diagnosed with ADHD, we've been friends for around 3 years now.
As an ADHD individual with a high functioning ASD spouse, there are tough times we've had in our marriage. My MIL has always made herself available to us as a mediator in a healthy and helpful way. I'm convinced that she has played a huge role in keeping us together when our communication and skills break down. Along with therapists and a housekeeper, family is the big angle in a trifecta of accommodations that keep us going.
"I feel like" statements are big. "I feel like you're ignoring me." helps a lot: it gives my partner a chance to tell me, "No, I wasn't ignoring you, I was just thinking about *x*." It's very helpful to be able to communicate.
I really loved watching this video especially as a neurotypical individual. I feel it’s just as important for neurotypical individuals to learn to accommodate those in our lives who are neurodivergent not just the other way around. You’ve got yourself a new subbie ❤️
The part about mundane assignments being dreadful is so true for me. I can do them, it's just SO BORING. I listen to music while I do my chores, that helps me.
I love your prompt at the end... what is most alive for me to share is that people who might be more neuro diverse are often accommodating the world 24/7 and the best accommodation for them is just to be sensitive and learn how to notice it, acknowledge it, andor help bridge the gap
Watching these videos really makes me realise how much I wish highly giftedness is also seen as a neuro divergency and treated as such. There's so many struggles that come with being highly gifted that very few people know about, and because of that were often overestimated/misunderstood. (One of the reasons I figured this out btw is because so many videos from this channel were super helpful for me and I only realized later that that's because highly giftedness and adhd have a whole bunch of overlapping symptoms! So thanks for these awesome videos!)
I have ADHD and I'm in a relationship where the other person has aspergers. And I'm really glad that this video came out, because there are times where I'm tearing out my hair to trying understand my girlfriend. Any pointers is much appreciated.
Check out Aspergers from the Inside. He has some videos about autism in relationships that are very helpful and he's also a relationship coach. There was one recently where he answered partners of "aspies" questions that I need to show my husband lol. I think it's called Understanding your aspie partner.
My partner and I both have ADHD, and we find we struggle in different ways, but through everything we've really worked hard to balance each other out and make accommodations for each other. Honestly, I'm really glad I ended up with someone who is also neurodivergent because we understand each other very well.
My bf is a teacher's assistant and works with special needs kids, and he has incredible patience. I'm so blessed! He's calm and patient with me when I freak out/have a RSD episode ( as I call it), anxiety attack, or just get overreactive due to hypersensitivity. My ex turned out to be a closet narcissist and essentially threw me away, so I'm getting used to trusting again but each and everyday, I'm getting better.
This is awesome with you bringing in Chloe at the end. Service dog training for the win! This is definitely a big help because I'm more of an out of sight is out of mind. So I have to keep my laundry basket where it will be seen or I'll forget to do the laundry. I don't hate doing laundry - I tend to have a tendency to forget stuff.
I did it as well, I said "ok here comes the advice part this is important" and then actually zoned out and only realized it after it ahah, I simply rewinded it and paid attention more consciously this time :) I highly suspect that I have adhd but it's also very hard to tell, but these videos are always very insighful and helpful regardless
It’s like I know what she said, and I know it can help me… but I can’t recall the details. I feel like the closer I get to it, the farther away it is… this is always how I feel with advice about executive functioning,it like it’s just ever so slightly to abstract so my brain just blurs it and moves on…
My partner has ADHD and I have anxiety and OCD so you can imagine how sometimes this may cause problems. Thank you for your advice, we’ve been together for a long time but I’m always looking for ways to improve our relationship
She: giving me a lot of space to internalize processing emotions/impulses/thoughts. Me: Reassuring her that she matters a lot to me and that I’m not turning her down.
My ex and I both have ASD, but we still had different needs. Physical touch and affection for me is stressful when there's other stuff going on, or sometimes just in general, but he loved physical touch. I needed him to better express how he was doing/his needs/empathy, and he couldn't do that well. Thank you for this video.
My partner is patient with me when I experience mental overload and knows that its usually because I have not eaten, I'm overwhelmed with responsibilities, or I haven't had my coffee. He is understanding and instead of judging or yelling at me, he watches our kid for a while and reminds me to take a break and take care of my needs before pushing through what is causing me stress. After I calm myself, he gently insists that I talk through what was hard for me and make a plan to take care of myself (drink coffee, eat, etc.) next time before It gets overwhelming. He may not always understand, but he does his best to hear me. I may not want to talk things through due to feeling embarrassed or ashamed for my melt down or feeling like my brain doesn't work the way I want it to, but him encouraging me to talk about it makes me feel supported and heard and avoids future issues. He is great.
It's these little nuances of ADHD which make this channel one of the best for neuro divergence learning. I have started writing lots of poems about my needs over the pandemic. Its helped me talk to my parents and friends about accommodations.
My brother has Aspergers and I have ADHD, we work together a lot on writing because we both have ideas we want to bring into the real world. . A problem that arose is that I thrive on feedback and interaction when talking about my writing, he's a rather quiet person. So I've started this habit of asking him to elaborate on things so I know he's listening and paying attention. It's working really well and we're getting a lot done.
Your videos were some of the first I looked towards when learning more about ADHD! Thank you for sharing your experiences, they help A LOT in my relationship. Lots of reminders for my boyfriend are necessary, reminders that everything is okay and that we're doing great as a couple. I also have been told to get his full attention before starting to speak at length because he might miss some things when he's focused. I've just kinda learned not to get frustrated because it must be difficult dealing with ADHD and in anyway I can help, I'd rather do so than lose such a beautiful soul
Broke up with my ex with adhd about a month ago even though I still loved her so much because I felt lonely, ignored, and unappreciated. I still can’t get over her because of the fact that she’s never intend to make me feel that ways.
This is a tremendously helpful video. I'm on the autism spectrum and have ADHD and my partner is also neurodiverse. It's encouraging to see that there are ways to improve our communication and learn how to meet each other's needs.
Your channel may have just changed my life. I’m 27, I just saw your TED Talk and I cannot thank you enough. Your life and mine had some bizarre parallels, I’m 27 and I’m now at the point that I’ve dropped out of college and moved back home. Oh my god, you might have just saved my faith in myself. And yes I’m typing this comment while the video is still playing. I will rewind 😅
I'm autistic. Previous relationships fell apart because I couldn't read my other partners needs but I know realise it was a two way street. I've always been upfront about my needs including I will say I can't read subtlety, I can't tell what's wrong I need you to tell me when something is wrong. I kept trying to accommodate their needs and they felt smothered. My current relationship is actually going really well. We spend just 30 minutes cuddling on the couch and having this moment of calm together let's us talk about things that are happening to and around us in a calm efficient manner.
I’ve got Adult ADHD for years I lived without medication and thought I was coping until I fell in love and moved in with a woman without ADHD and realized I’d structured my life around my disorder and that doesn’t necessarily work will when you insert someone into your organized chaos. So I’ve decided to seek help and to get back on medication because my disorder was negatively effecting my relationship in a HUGE way love your content!!!
I just found your channel and this is so helpful and eye-opening. My husband has ADHD and auditory processing disorder, and we are always looking for ways to understand each other better. I’m on bedrest for pregnancy complications, and it’s really throwing off our normal dynamic. I’d like to use this time to learn more about the way he thinks and expresses himself so I don’t get lost in my own head about things. I think this channel is going to be so helpful!
Oh wow! You posted this video at the perfect time! My partner and I just had a big communication struggle that evolved into an argument and I’m on RUclips searching for ways to help us. What do I find but this! My partner has ADHD and I’m on the spectrum and both of us have been recently exploring neurodiversity more so we totally have this issue sometimes. Thanks Jess!
im right here with you. my partner and i go through semi-annual rough patches whenever we both hit bad emotional periods, and one devolved into a fight last night. videos like this help me stop spiralling into disaster scenarios and instead think rationally about ways to solve the problem. unfortunately for me that usually means sitting and waiting for my partner to get it out of their system (i'm much more of a fixer) but i care enough about them to keep trying. sorry this is kinda an info dump but just wanted to say you're not the only ones 😅
@blinkfilms1 I’m the other side of the equation, so if it helps to think of it this way...waiting for the other person to get it out of their system is fixing. Slow drops in glucocorticoids is such a drag from either perspective.
Good video. One of the things I liked was how too often people draw the wrong conclusions about apparent "lack of effort". Often someone who appears to lack effort is demoralised, has a history of failure or rejection or hasn't been given clear instructions on what to do. Genuine lack of effort more often comes from someone who knows how to do an activity, is clear on what they have to do and thinks they are unaccountable, perhaps because they are in a position of power.
Love the Linux in a Windows World reference. I've been using Linux for over 8 years and once you understand it you'll figure out it's way better than Windows. Same deal for those of us with ADHD. Once you figure out how to "use" us you'll see we're way better then the Neurotypical "Windows" folks at some things.
The best aspect of relationship accommodating for my adhd is when my partner lets me know what is the most important things to him that I don’t forget to do around the house. I make sure I do those things and then the other stuff I do at my own convenience. This makes him feel like I am considerate of his feelings. I don’t feel obligated to do stuff that he doesn’t actually care about. It’s helped out our relationship…. Now to make him communicate things the way I want/need/ don’t get annoyed by! Haha That’s the next challenge 😏
Omg makes me so happy to see your adorable service pup! I have ADHD and my cat is truly amazing at keeping me calm, happy, and giving me an incentive to get up and do things. Even when I’m struggling with regular chores I’m always able to do the things needed to care for her because she always cares for me in return
it’s been a process switching my brain from ‘need to fix problem!!!!’ to ‘how can i accommodate my specific needs in order to get The Thing done?’ but it’s made such a big difference already and it’s in no small part thanks to mental health channels like this one
I really appreciate that you put both adhd and autistic perspectives in your video!!!! Its really helpful because a lot of us have both or are misdiagnosed as one while being the other!!!
I love this video. I have ADHD and my boyfriend has high functioning Autism. I've watched your channel for years after my mother discovered y'all, and it''s been a life changing time. I always tried to work against my ADHD, and now being with someone with both ADD and Autism, it's been a huge struggle. Thank you for this video
I have adhd and had since childhood. My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and he still doesn’t make accommodations for my adhd, bipolar disorder, ptsd, or episodes of disassociation. I guess back in 98 when we started dating, I didn’t know I had any illnesses so he didn’t know to make accommodations. I didn’t know he was supposed to make any either. It’s not always been rosebuds and chocolate for us, and the majority of those not so wonderful times were due to my illnesses, but we are still together. Still very happy, still very much in love, and my point is that, accommodations for our adhd are great. But we CAN survive in relationships, work, and school settings without them.
I just gotta add, us dyslexics are neurodivergent too! We don’t only struggle with reading, but anxiety and executive functioning amongst others. We have our own unique strengths as well. But we too need relationship accommodations.
I have extreme body fatigue when I wake up because of my ADHD, so I usually get ready by having my meds out and beside me with water for the morning. But sometimes, when I get them out at night, I forget that's why I'm taking them out, and accidentally take them, my boyfriend witnessed this twice when I was at his place and said from now on he'll take them out for me so I don't accidentally take them and end up not being able to sleep well once they kick in, super sweet of him!
I’m severe adhd with mild autism, but only recently diagnosed. Been married 4 years and together for 7. It has been the hardest journey for us and still is. I needed to hear this
I understand exactly what you going through, I'm writing from Canada! I used Dr isibor natural herbal calming remedies and body cleanser for my autistic daughter with ADHD. It works! no side effects my daughter behaves normal now..
Just got diagnosed and your videos have helped me immensely in understanding it as well as my spouse. I don't know if you do all the editing and stuff, but it helps me remember it better. Thank you.
It's so cool to see you include other neurodivergent minds in your videos! One of the most helpful things for me has been realizing I'm not the only one who struggles and there are others like me and that we can all share our experiences to support each other! I'm so glad I found your channel and this awesome community :)
THANK YOU for this video!!! I lost the only bf I ever had 8 years ago, mostly because I wasn't good at picking up on nonverbal cues. This concept is so important.
I’m 28 and finally got an ADHD diagnosis on Friday!! Even without a formal diagnosis though, my boyfriend and I found ways to work through things all the time. It’s a learning process for sure, but we’ve learned that explicitly asking each other for what we need really helps.
Needed this. Sharing with my husband. High functioning non diagnosed autism that I’ve struggled with so long with everyone just assuming I’m dramatic and emotional. Sucks
My best friend and I struggle when feeling strong emotions, because we want really different things as responses to those emotions. So we made a spread sheet, to help up remember how react to the other person's emotions in a way they find helpful! It's like a reminder cheat sheet. My best friend also has alexithymia, so we got an emotion wheel that he can look through to help him identify what he's feeling.
What I learned from my last toxic relationship is I cannot have someone who yells at me and blames me for everything. Being manipulated or emotionally abused is the main thing to trigger a nonverbal episode.
I'm constantly having these discussions with my adhd partner. 4 years together and it's still a struggle but your videos have really helped me understand and be compassionate.
My oldest doesn't like hugs, but I thrive on them. He is cool with palm touches so we will put.our hands up to each other and lean in a bit, and that is our hug. It meets my need for hugs and meets his need to not be hugged.
this is so sweet omg!
awe thats cool
I'm so glad you found something that works, my mom is still struggling with her adult children not wanting hugs and my sister goes with a "once a year as a Christmas present I'll allow it" policy whereas I send my boyfriend as a stand-in...
I love this!
Thanks yall. 😊
If I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, my fiance has been starting to just take note without me saying anything and just makes me a cup of coffee that he serves to me in bed to help incentivize me to get up. It melts me every time. He approaches something that is typically met with anger and resentment and yelling and treats it with compassion, which helps so much.
You got a keeper!! 🤗💞
I have a similar one! They’re awesome.
I have always thought I’m lazy. They’re the first person who tells me: ‘I see how hard you work’ and they know it’s not the niceness of the bed that is a problem - it’s the transition. Hence: coffee.
My boyfriend did this to me this morning and it really helped! He too has ADHD, so he understands. Now it's my turn to do it when he's the one struggling. :')
My husband brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning 🥰 It’s such a little thing but it means so much.
My kids do this
Parenting your partner is not healthy for a relationship. I needed this.
Yeah, that's a big part of what broke my last relationship :/
@@richiemcconnochie2506 wtf mate
@@unicornburgers302 he's either a bot or a snake oil conman who belongs behind bars.
@@SonsOfLorgar I think he actually believes in what he's selling
I watched the first couple minutes of his video and he actually said "this video will probably go viral, and I'll probably be a wanted man" lol
@@unicornburgers302 Just report it as spam
I have ADHD and autism and cuddling makes me calm. Since my girlfriend isn’t available for hugs 24/7 we bought a cat. That works too 🙃
Thankfully my older son LOVES to cuddle and he'll be 18 in April.... However, my, currently 16 yr old daughter, who will be 17 in August, reminds me of my Maternal Grandmother, who just Never liked any kind of hugging or cuddling or Anything to do with being physical, for the sake of showing affection. I hate it. She'll let her brother, the one mentioned above, love on her, and her father and stepmother, whom she lives with, but not me. I'm the one who handled her like a Pro when she was a "velcro" baby, and now, I barely get a hug when I drop her off back at her father's. I pray it gets better as she gets older, but it's probably going to be a "pipedream"..... 😏😔
Yes! I am about to adopt a cat! Animals can be so helpful for meeting needs!!!
I like cuddles, but, sometimes, I don't want to be touched. After work or a particularly stimulating environment, I need some time to myself to let my sensory threshold go back up before I am ready for cuddles.
@@jayme3557 i’m sorry for you. Maybe you can ask why she doesn’t let you? I don’t really like it when my mom gives me a “soft” hug, but I do let her hug me harder (if that makes sense). It could also be that she doesn’t really like hugs from anyone but maybe she knows that she can be herself with you. I hope you understand my message, my English isn’t the best. I also hope you have a great day 😊
@@cellogirl11rw55 same here! Every day, I need some alone time to process the things I saw, felt and thought. My cat helps me with that too ☺️
My wife is neurotypical, and one of the most useful accommodations is that she understands that when I forget things, is not personal. This has allowed me to feel safe when recognizing I just forgot that one thing she asked me, and instead of arguing, we immediately jump to what can we do now, what’s the best mitigation to the consequences.
Same here and it is so valuable ❤
Have you ever forgotten Valentine’s Day?
No. That day is her birthday as well. I’ve forgotten ordering her cake, picking up her present and other things, though
Thats what I try to get people to do in situations like that. When something goes wrong, don't point fingers and say "this is your fault". But instead say "this went wrong, what are our options for fixing it". Choose the best course of action and do the best you can. No argument necessary!
With 2 neurodivergent people in the household, hiring a professional organiser was 100% the best decision we ever made. It's not made everything perfect, but at least we aren't independently coming up with and implementing and tweaking two separate systems now!
I love that idea! I wish my partner and I could afford a professional organizer.
Hey there Yo Samdy Sam!
Didn’t know you watch this ( apart from ur episode were you say hello brains )
What does professional organizer do?
That is what I need a professional organizer amongst other things someone to figure out what to make for dinner after I stress about it for three hours
For instance I can’t even make up my mind what entrée to make what vegetable to go with it as my husband is so picky not to mention my offspring I am so simple I will eat anything I think that they have the messed up brain not me no way brains !!
Because of past abusive relationships, I’ve been conditioned to think I am “needy” whenever expressing a need. This has impacted dating and will impact future relationships because I’m still scared of asking for my needs.
I think the biggest clue is if you feel safe enough to articulate your needs. That is usually easier to figure out, and then reassuring yourself you can be honest because they are a safe person.
If you dont feel safe, they are not safe, and it is time to look elsewhere
I've learned that repeatedly asking someone who either is unable or does not want to meet my needs, will not get my needs met. For me, it's less about knowing how to ask for my needs, it's about surrounding myself with healthy and supportive people. That has made it much easier to ask, receive and provide for others.
"If you grew up in an environment where your parents emotions always came first you may have learned to abandon your needs in order to feel loved"
I don't know if that resonates with you but I just scrolled through my phone gallery for 10 mins trying to find that quote that a friend put on her Insta. Hopefully it helps someone ❤. (Also related to perfectionism, always walking on egg shells and worst case scenario thinking)
this but the abusive relationships are my parents (not saying they're abusive, but they constantly make me feel needy and guilty when asking for help)
Same. I feel like i don't deserve to express my wants in a relationship now, due to an abusive partner
My wife has anxiety and some associated disorders. I have ADHD. Each evening, she makes a list of things that are absolute top priorities for her explicitly so that I can take action on them while she gets ready for bed. That way I don't feel lost about what would actually serve her. Then we talk about what we've been feeling that day because I have trouble slowing down to check in with her. That helps her feel seen and cared for.
Thank you for this post!! I've been struggling with how to describe to my partner this exact issue. Love & light to you & your wife..😃
*taking notes*
@@nurselunaaudio3758 Video games and hobby stores. There are a ton of nice guys in the world, you just gotta look in the right places.
This is really great. I struggle with slowing down too and in the past has made my partners feel like I don’t care about them. It’s awesome she is willing to share a list that makes things explicit.
@@NiaLaLa_V those are like the meeting grounds of adhd and neuro-divergent adults lol!
"Cool! That's not now."
It makes me laugh that this is the exact line that appears in my head in those cases
10000000%
That was my favorite
Same!! That was one of my favorites! Love it
Fax
Me: ADHD, ASD, & dyslexic; wife: ADHD; kids: all of the above. Primary thing we have to do? Make sure any one of us is not over fixating on something irrelevant. That is a full time job for all of us.
Good point! I didn't know there was a word for that.
That sounds it can be very overwhelming at times.
wow, that's got to be hard work every day! i have A.D.H.D.
Relatable for my family too.
It's good to have a full time job. Even when it's hard. Even when the job doesn't always seem rewarding at the time. Which I think I'm saying to convince and remind myself. Oh, and I probably shouldn't over fixate on irrelevant comments. Thanks for that reminder.
I have autism and alexithymia - the line me and my (NT)wife use for direct communication is " do you want it fixed or do you want understanding" . My brain always defaults to fix things, so knowing that sometimes she just wants to be listened to or cuddled meets her needs too and helps me understand situations I would otherwise get wrong.
I am a reflexive fixer, and I am working on remembering to ask my partner whether they want advice or sympathy.
I have to do this too. Someone will rant to me and I’ll be like, “okay so do you want me to fix it or sympathise?”
I never think to ask them if they want suggestions. It is incomprehensible to me that people don't want help. But some don't
Invaluable advice. Learned this one too late. Even still, it can be very difficult to put into practice. I also can't help but judge when people don't want to fix something and it can be really frustrating. I can't help but take it personally because, to me, taking the time and energy to work out a solution means someone cares and wants to alleviate pain, whereas just listening is akin to not helping a drowning man. Can be very difficult.
@@massacred666 maybe try and remember that it doesn't mean they don't want to fix it but that *right now* they just want some empathy
This is actually a really hard topic. I was with a fellow aspie once, and i was so patient with him cuz i know how it feels to be unfairly barred. But there came a point in the relationship where I set myself down, I cleared my mind, and cleared my heart. I asked myself, his condition is one thing, but is he as a man trying? Distinguishing the two was hard, but I came to the conclusion that it was too easy to make excuses for him. Even more so than with a NT guy. To a degree, these conditions are something that we can work on and learn how to live with better. Just remember that you shouldn’t waste love, they have to meet you halfway. We have to be responsible for ourselves and our care
I have had this experience also. I made far too many accommodations, because I knew exactly how he felt. However I forgot to notice that he didn't make any accommodations that I needed at all, so I was just doing the emotional work for two, whilst he did none!
Thank you for sharing. I feel that I can relate.
My previous partner has ADHD and I burnt out trying to help him manage it. Now, probably not a coincidence, but my current partner has it, too. I think I sometimes make too many excuses for my significant other. Because we both have the same condition, I keep thinking he'll eventually catch up with me. But there comes a point when you have to think of yourself first and let go. I still hope I we can figure things out and keep growing together.
I love this! There’s so much wisdom in this comment ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I was with a guy for 4 and a half years. I'm pretty sure he has some lighter form of autism but he refuses to accept whatever is up with him. Face blindness, lack of [ability to express] empathy, and other things I figured I could deal with, but it got to the point where I realized I wasn't being treated with the level of relationship accommodations I gave him. "I have things you aren't interested in, and you have things that I'd rather not think about" is the kind of phrase I heard from him.
I'm now dating a fellow ADHDer, and we really understand each other a lot better, and allow each other to have fun. It may take a while for dedicated neurodivergents to understand when to draw the line, but understanding when to stop hurting yourself helps. A bleeding heart is no good if you bleed yourself out.
I was in this position (two aspies together with history of depression for both.) In the end, I could only try to be understanding for so long. When I ended that relationship, I had to go back on my antidepressants - I was so burned out. It was just.. it didn't look like he was trying. He might have been - I know it doesn't always look like it when I am -but in that case he was just making very little to no headway and I couldn't keep on carrying the whole relationship.
I have ADHD, and one of my favourite chores to do around the house is washing the cleaning the kitchen. Because my family has an Amazon Alexa in it, I can listen to Steven Universe and dance around while I wash the dishes and my brothers are cleaning up upstairs. My parents understand that I like to have time alone and since I have a hyperfixation on SU, they let me listen to it while I straighten the kitchen and whatnot while everyone else is upstairs getting other things done. It's a small thing, but stuff like this really help me want to put effort into things and not just rush them.
Another thing is the absolute blessing that my brother is. He's neurotypical, but he's just so empathetic that even though he *doesn't* know what my struggles feel like, it seems like he does. My family had to make a really big trip the other day, and not only did he make sure that I had everything before we left, but whenever I was getting overwhelmed, he made sure to check in on me and make sure that everything was good, which literally means the world to me. He's like my best friend, and I have no idea where I would be without him.
@@richiemcconnochie2506 You've been flagged. Don't come to a serious community sharing ways to manage their condition with a "miracle cure".
I'm happy to have read your comment. Understanding is so important. Your brother sounds like a gem :)
@@yuuri9064 He is, I love him so much
What you described in your first paragraph is me to a t... I wish that I live with people like your brother though because my pacing when I do the dishes drives my mom and dad nuts (my sisters don't mind as much)
@@myleonisd I reported their channel too, so scummy
Before I even knew I had adhd I used to body double with my ex for chores. My trigger for doing them was when she did hers, I'd just get up and help. She was a very understanding person who accommodated me without needing anything explained.
yes! My husband body doubles for me all the time, it's SO HELPFUL.
Omg thank you for this new terminology. This is basically the only way I get chores done.
@@EllaFayre it's the channel, it's great.
I seem to be one of the cases who like cleaning because it entails movement and thus can easily be combined with music or function as a part of activity preparation; however I would desperately need a body double for desk work. I have three different long-form writing tasks coming up, which is agonizing for me. I can't cast my partner for that role because he's very distractingly restless. In lockdown, I haven't found a single substitute for this problem because in the past, I entirely relied on the library and night shifts and I can't do either anymore. :/
@@PeachPlastic Have you tried being with someone on zoom as a substitute before? Partly asking because I haven't, not too sure how it would work or who I would ask.
My first marriage failed due to my ADHD. My second wife and I have all sorts of funny systems to work around my challenges. She's a peach!
My first marriage would not have worked out anyway, but the impairments caused by my undiagnosed, untreated ADHD made life so much harder. I spent decades convinced I was worthless, lazy, and irresponsible, and I stopped advocating for my needs because I was told I was making excuses for my inability to adult. Glad you found someone willing to work with your challenges; hopefully next time the same will be true for me.
@@giselleroberts1889 I can so relate to your story! I stopped advocating for myself too and that was the biggest underlying issue that doomed my relationship.
@@giselleroberts1889 wow, that strikes home, i find it hard to advocate for myself atm because of that ingrained thought of laziness or making excuses. Hard to see the line between self care and indulging to the outside world.
GOD BLESS HER, YOUR SO LUCKY SIR.
@@gallopingg1 Amen to that. Agreed. Thanks Michael
I have sleep problems, sometimes is just impossible for me to maintain a regular sleeping pattern. While I work on fixing it, an accommodation we have (since we have a two room apartment and we both work from home) is having separate rooms. Mine has a big bed, if I manage to get sleepy at night we sleep together in my room, if not, he has an individual bed in his room to sleep so I can use the night to do other stuff without bothering him
That's a cool idea!
I wish I had set up my townhouse with my acts like this because I was more of a night owl and he had to be in bed at a specific time to wake up early for work every day.
I am so glad that y’all figured that out!
We do the exact same thing in my partnership! Like most ADHD folks I have a hard time falling asleep at 10pm sharp when my boyfriend has to go to bed so thankfully we have a pull out bed in his office and he sleeps there probably 5 nights a week and then on the weekends when he doesn’t have to be so strict with his bedtime I try and get to bed earlier so we can sleep next to each other. I do miss cuddling at night but he comes in early and cuddles me in the morning a lot of the time which is nice. It’s cut down on a lot of conflict for us to do this.
Oooh Danna!!! wasn't expecting to see you here. Spanish viewer, love your vids!
Yep. We do that too. My mom was horrified! 😂 It works for us & helps us both feel cared for by allowing some spaces for personal 'downtime'.
The AC/touch example is a brilliant example of a relationship accommodation.
Right!!!! Definitely been there lol phew 🥵
Yes!
I can’t thank you enough for teaching me to handle my ADHD in a way my mom with degrees in psychology and social work (and over 30 years as a rock star CPS work) and even my therapist can’t explain. My anxiety is so much better just understanding my condition. I’m even speaking to a mental health nursing class next month at the local university! I was hoping to see a Chloe cameo!
Yeah no, not letting crap that fly.
Richies comment is not a "cure" - in itself a red flag, its a self promoted video, takes 10m to GET to the "cure" and shares the same meandering behavior as scammers to get you hooked and lost, and only applies to parents to control their children (emotional manipulation) and people capable of seeing images in their mind (anyone suffering from any degree of aphantasia).
You im happy for however!! Im glad something is going right for you in these weird times!
@@zoeg1667 thank you for telling us, I'll help report these
I’m crying because I realize how my mental illnesses have made it harder for me to date / find love 😭
*hugs* it really can get in the way, yeah. Ari Tuckman has a really great book on the ADHD stuff -- "ADHD After Dark"
😥
@@richiemcconnochie2506 Dude.
I stopped trying to date and started asking my friends who they knew that they might not want to date, but who might be a good fit for me. When my friend's new husband said that the way I talk reminded him of someone, I got really excited! So he introduced us.That's how I met my husband.
Reaching out to others for help as judges of character might be a good way of identifying new friends or romantic interests to pursue. I wish you luck. I didn't have a boyfriend till I was 25, but I tried to use that time to work on being my best self while I waited to mature and figure out what I was looking for.
You can do it, just let it flow and make some good friends, then see if anything clicks
Also audhd here. After my diagnosis, my nt husband (of 20 years) and I started having problems as I was unmasking. We ended up seeing a communication coach who specialises in nd/nt communication. It saved our marriage. Leaving this comment so others can know they’re not alone, it can happen to anyone, and it’s not hopeless. Edit; and I put this comment on the wrong video :) I’ll copy paste to the correct video but leave it here too!
@pesky33 if you’re willing to share the name of your coach, I’d love to know 🙏🏻
Getting into couple’s therapy is one of the best things that me and my partner could have done for our relationship. People assume that if you’re going to couple’s therapy that your relationship must be broken, but it’s also a useful tool for BEFORE you break down. There are times that we’re able to put aside a disagreement that could have soured our entire night/week and save it for therapy because we know we have a safe, mediated place to talk about it. I’d recommend it to anyone.
thank you for sharing... i needed this
Does anyone else struggle with feeling like they’ll always be a burden to their loved ones? I feel like I’ll never find someone who’s willing to be with me and accommodate me in the ways I need or want, especially because my struggles aren’t anyone else’s obligation.
The saying about someone is out there for everyone is true. When you meet the right person, they won’t be “burdens” to be dealt with, they’ll be things that endear you to your partner. You are loved. Stay strong.
@@angryshrub1 OOOHHH 😍☺🥺
This is how I feel 100%. Like Im happy my partner bring me my pills every night and gets into these rituals with me that I just truly feel like Im a burden and he will get tired at one point. I hate living scared.
Yup. I am 40 and still live with my parents. I feel like a complete mooch because i have always had trouble making enough money in the real world. So i just feel like im a burden financially and would like to be more financially independant. I remember my last x was 5 years ago and she said she didnt get my brain which helped me realize im neurodivergent. She wanted me to move out and live on my own to see if i was able to independant. I felt that was dumb to be suggested but i guess she felt i wouldnt be good with keeping up with household stuff. Im hoping i can get help somehow. I got tested for adhd and said im not diagnosable for adhd but two of the parameters are low, executive function and one other thing. So i just feel like a lost broken alien.
@@dprice81 could be ASD. There’s a LOT of overlap. Either way I hope you find something that’s able to help 💗
My husband has Aspergers and ADHD, I have ADHD. We were both diagnosed within months of each other and our relationship is so much better for it. We understand ourselves and each other so much more now and don’t get quite so frustrated with each other’s “flaws”. Neurodivergent relationships just need patience and understanding. It’s not always easy, but having someone who just GETS you is priceless.
I wish my husband and I had received diagnoses. I'm finally pushing to get one for myself now but I never knew what it was about us that made us different and we would lose patience with each other's foibles. After having a child and having to cope with being locked down together for so much time in the pandemic, we've split up. We've moved on now romantically but we'll always love each other and be best friends. A diagnosis can lead to acceptance and understanding that what you're dealing with isn't a 'fault', it's an adhd trait. We need more acceptance of this condition.
I thrive on hugs, and a friend doesn't, so I came up with a method of hugging (or took to her method of hugging, can't remember which) - elbow nudges. One time I said, "Here's your not-a-hug!" ....she grabbed me into a great big hug, and I felt SO. VERY. LOVED!!!!! I think I nearly cried in front of her because my perception of her disliking hugs and her perception of it was different, so the hug was one of the most pleasantly surprising things. 🤗
My husband and I both have ADHD so we have a shared google calendar that we put things in. We write down grocery lists on a white board. We overcommunicate about everything as much as possible. We allow ourselves and each other to say things like "I don't want to talk right now" and "I want to be alone right now". If I notice he's hyperfocused, I'll try to get his attention before talking to him instead of assuming he's not listening. If I'm having trouble with my emotional regulation or rejection sentivity I'll just tell him I'm grumpy or hurt. It's a LOT of talking about things.
One of the really odd things with my time blindness is that I always think something someone asks of me has to be done NOW, and it can panicme or cause me to disengage fromt the conversation to start the task. My lovey wife helps me simply by STARTING with the time frame (eg. 'in ten minutes could you..' or 'at some point today...') and then asking me to do the thing. It's a little thing, but it's amazing how much less stress I have day to day because of it. Hoping this tip helps someone else, esp. considering we hit on it by accident.
This irks me SO Much. I'm glad you realized and adjusted your self but I deal with this on a daily bases and its driving me mad and creating SO MUCH RESENTMENT!
I'd ask my partner to do something then they get blustery and say "I'm not gonna do it right now!!!!" Then I'd get triggered and say how I never said "now" or I said a specific time that they missed, then they'd get more resistant and not even listen to the task I was asking for, or dismiss me before I could finish. Then several days later that task is still not done and I'm reminding them that I asked days ago which starts a fight because " I'm mad " that they didn't remember the very memorable tense convo where I asked and I'm obviously nagging them about something that never happened ( the task and the conversation about the task)
Its such a lose-lose situation that I just give up and do everything myself, until maybe a week into the kitchen not being clean or some other indicator that I'm completely overwhelmed, they will do some small task and point out later that "they helped". I can never just ask for something and get a ":yes ill do it" or "okay, when does it need doing?" or a "no, i can't do that till later" Its always a battle , just asking,, that I lose. Then I get guilted about being "disappointed" when I am doing solo the things that would go more smoothly with a helper. But I still don't get help, just guilt that I am "being disappointed " as I struggle alone.
Once , I asked for their company while I ginish a very physical task ( mind you , they said they help weeks prior but didn't..) Ask i was explaining how and why i was moving the way I was , to avoid injury, they got Angry and accused " you just showing me this cuz you want me to do it!". I had to point out that the task was 99% finished and I just wanted their company, but it felt so much like 'how dare you show me how to do the thing I never intended to do even tho I offered to?!" It hurt and confirmed that even asking for company instead of help is , in itself, a burden , because it makes them FEEL guilty and like a disappointment, and thats my fault too.
@@Metqa I hope you got out of that and found a relationship that actually supports you and your needs with someone who is willing to listen and understand
Just had a massive "I want to leave you you're too much!" Fight with my husband last night. We need this
The person he's meant to be with wouldn't be too much for them. That's what people gotta understand. That's why dating is so important. You find out whether they are compatible with you or not.
Thank you from the future. My cousin (ASD) showed up at my house after 9 pm with no warning because their wife (ADHD) had just impulsively kicked them out. From the description I got it sounded like mutual overwhelm and conflicting needs. They'll probably be fine, but my cousin was understandably upset.
I've had to leave relationships because I have often felt that my needs were not being met despite trying to explain what my needs were. I think that as long as both parties are receptive and willing to work on things and find those accommodations, those relationships will last.
I have ADHD and my husband has autism. We were both only recently diagnosed. We have very different needs, and it took several years for us to find a balance between meeting each other’s needs but not over stepping the boundaries that our minds and bodies have naturally set. But nearly 12 years together and we’ve got it down! And I think that now knowing why our brains think and act and react how they do will help us even further. 🥰
I recently had a relationship fall apart between a partner who also has ADHD. We lived in filth and chaos and ultimately just stressed each other out when it came to domestic tasks. I wish there was more information on how to navigate a situation like that
I love how this is relevant to all relationships. Family, friends, flatmates, and romantic.
My human DOES bring me my meds - I have to take my transplant meds every 12 hours, and right now that's 6am and 6pm. If I were left to my own devices, I'd miss that 6am pill every morning because I'm a Night Owl. He's an Early Bird, and leaves fpr wprk at 6am - so the last thing he does before he leaves is wake me up enough to take my pill. I can then go back to sleep. :)
Why at 6am and 6pm and not 12am and 12pm? That's the time I chose to give my dog her pills because that's the tine I'm awake
Kidedaion Symoti - if he's up & leaving for work anyway, he can help keep that schedule. Every little bit helps.
Jzbfhsjzjbcbfdg AWWWEEE
Also the dude's advice to ask "What did you mean when..." is fantastic. Wow, this was all really good! Great work you two.
Seconded! I'm really sensitive to anything that could possibly be interpreted as guilt-tripping or veiled insults, and it's easy for me to assume the most hurtful intentions. So whenever my partner says something that hurts my feelings, I step out of the room for a few minutes to calm down, then I come back and ask him what he meant. It has done wonders for us. I'm so glad I learned that habit.
@@emilydivis6369 Oh man I thought it was just me!
I really need to get better at this. I'm super inquisitive too so this shouldn't be hard. I don't know why I didn't think to ask more questions.
@Orange Nostril it is def not just you!!! :)
Too bad if your aspie partner answer (repeatedly) is "I don't know". I must go.
Me and my partner are always trying to find relationship accommodations for each other as I have ADHD and he has Autism. Thank you so much for making this video as it is truly helpful as always!
hey, if it's not too much, can you give some examples? i'm on the same situation, but the relationship is kinda going downhill :(
To
Ohh!!! I’d love to see a video on our strengths in relationships! My partner and I try to look at things equitably, i.e. we don’t need to do every single thing in our relationship equally or 50/50, but overall, we do the same amount of work in our relationship. We look at what both our strengths are, and what we value as a couple. I will never cook or clean the dishes as much as him, and I don’t have anything to do with our joint finances (he honestly loves doing spreadsheets of our collective expenses)...BUT, I also bring a lot of emotional labor/repair skills into our connection. He still does work around cultivating those kind of relational skills of course, and I do do some cleaning and still transfer him money for my share of expenses, but I love that we’re able to look at what we’re both good at and go from there instead of needing to do everything the same. It’s liberating!
Awesome video! Me being the ADHD brain and my partner being autistic has definitely posed it’s roadblocks. Physical touch was a huge one for us to since it’s my love language and for him light touch makes him squirm. That was a really hard one for me to cope with especially with my rejection sensitivity. I felt so deeply hurt when he would pull away until he said to me “ I can feel your anxiety through your hands” I didn’t realize because I was anxious of his rejection, it was only perpetuating him feeling that anxiousness. Instead of him not feeling anything, he was feeling too much. So now I know confidence and personal space are two things I’ve had to grow to learn. And touching things or animals is a way to occupy my mind ( 3 cats help lol). But he loves when I scratch his back or give a firm massage, so that’s the way we have adapted to our needs. Now he will seek out my affection because we found a way that works for us. Wasn’t easy, but we both loved each other enough to figure out a way to make it work.
I love your comment. Thank you 😊 💓!!! I've known for years that I'm ADHD but I'm just discovering that I think my husband is autistic. I've been struggling with depression for years because of our relationship. The more I learn about autism, the more our relationship makes sense.
So, a small accommodation I ask for that feels like a really big one? The ability to multitask while having ‘serious’ conversations (or any, really). My friends get it, bc most are NDs too, but my romantic partner used to get really upset by it. Assumed I wasn’t listening, which I totally get (he has his own painful associations with being ignored). One way I’ve accommodated *him* is by giving him space/time to process during conflict. I process most things reallyyyy quickly, and my ADHD brain needed to get a handle on the fact that most people need time to de-activate and process; him not understanding something right away (within hours) wasn’t a sign of him not caring. Seems obvious, but it wasn’t to me!
My partner and I have similar accommodations. and it helps so much
Patience, a clear expression of what I need and when, and distance from personalizing my partner's decisions. Rinse and repeat
😭🤕😭
This topic highlights what is probably the biggest reason I wish I had known I had ADHD earlier in my life, instead of watching the best things life gave me just fall apart over and over and over again.
Better late than never? I can honestly say now I feel like there's hope for me, after having lost everything and everyone, and literally and completely giving up because there were no answers.
Thank you for that Jessica. 🙏🖤🙏 It has been your channel that had the words and insight that clicked everything in place and made the world make sense for the first time in 43 years. Turns out I'm not just another savage after all!
🙏😭🤘😭🙏
Can I just ask have you taken medication for your adhd ? I only got diagnosed yesterday with autism and have now been sent for adhd. I’m 39 and really struggling with my brain.
This is the first video uploaded since I subbed. I found “How to ADHD” through your Ted Talk on ADHD, and immediately felt, not only at home but fresh cookies were in the oven lol.
I was diagnosed with ADHD very recently in early 20s and after struggling in school my entire life, with out knowing why, I thought I was just dumb, and even after my diagnosis I had difficulty shaking that feeling. However, after watching your content and listening to you, I’m finding I relate to your videos and those in the comment section more so than anyone I met in my life.
After feeling so confused for so long I finally can start anew. Thank you 😊
I usually don’t share too much but this video is brilliant. My parents definitely could have used the information in the video to help them many years ago.
There is so much crossover between ADHD and ASD, I really appreciate you bridging the gap and including ASD in your accomodations topic. ❤️
Thank you for this!! I am autistic, my partner has ADHD, and I follow you for what I consider "lifehacks for mastering my brain," even though I don't actually have ADHD (but I relate strongly to the autistic neurotype of Pathological Demand Avoidance). It's really cool to see some autism-related content on your channel! I love and hugely appreciate your neurodiversity-positivity. :)
Great. Needs to be reciprocated though. Especially when both nero divers. If only one sided and one person makes all the accommodations while other uses their diagnosis as an excuse to stop trying.
This! I currently have a hard time figuring out if a friend of mine is actually trying to meet me half way or if I'm the only one putting in energy trying to hold space for both of us and accommodating. I have cptsd and she's diagnosed with ADHD, we've been friends for around 3 years now.
As an ADHD individual with a high functioning ASD spouse, there are tough times we've had in our marriage. My MIL has always made herself available to us as a mediator in a healthy and helpful way. I'm convinced that she has played a huge role in keeping us together when our communication and skills break down. Along with therapists and a housekeeper, family is the big angle in a trifecta of accommodations that keep us going.
My partner helps me with my time management. I love that with him I get to arrive places on time.
"I feel like" statements are big. "I feel like you're ignoring me." helps a lot: it gives my partner a chance to tell me, "No, I wasn't ignoring you, I was just thinking about *x*." It's very helpful to be able to communicate.
Thank the stars for this girl, everytime I watch her videos I feel normal. She gives me hope for myself and the future.
I almost cry... I always felt so misunderstud... And weird but hearing you guys makes me feel so much better
I really loved watching this video especially as a neurotypical individual. I feel it’s just as important for neurotypical individuals to learn to accommodate those in our lives who are neurodivergent not just the other way around. You’ve got yourself a new subbie ❤️
The part about mundane assignments being dreadful is so true for me. I can do them, it's just SO BORING. I listen to music while I do my chores, that helps me.
I love your prompt at the end... what is most alive for me to share is that people who might be more neuro diverse are often accommodating the world 24/7 and the best accommodation for them is just to be sensitive and learn how to notice it, acknowledge it, andor help bridge the gap
Watching these videos really makes me realise how much I wish highly giftedness is also seen as a neuro divergency and treated as such. There's so many struggles that come with being highly gifted that very few people know about, and because of that were often overestimated/misunderstood. (One of the reasons I figured this out btw is because so many videos from this channel were super helpful for me and I only realized later that that's because highly giftedness and adhd have a whole bunch of overlapping symptoms! So thanks for these awesome videos!)
I have ADHD and I'm in a relationship where the other person has aspergers. And I'm really glad that this video came out, because there are times where I'm tearing out my hair to trying understand my girlfriend. Any pointers is much appreciated.
Check out Aspergers from the Inside. He has some videos about autism in relationships that are very helpful and he's also a relationship coach. There was one recently where he answered partners of "aspies" questions that I need to show my husband lol. I think it's called Understanding your aspie partner.
My partner and I both have ADHD, and we find we struggle in different ways, but through everything we've really worked hard to balance each other out and make accommodations for each other. Honestly, I'm really glad I ended up with someone who is also neurodivergent because we understand each other very well.
My bf is a teacher's assistant and works with special needs kids, and he has incredible patience. I'm so blessed! He's calm and patient with me when I freak out/have a RSD episode ( as I call it), anxiety attack, or just get overreactive due to hypersensitivity. My ex turned out to be a closet narcissist and essentially threw me away, so I'm getting used to trusting again but each and everyday, I'm getting better.
This is awesome with you bringing in Chloe at the end. Service dog training for the win! This is definitely a big help because I'm more of an out of sight is out of mind. So I have to keep my laundry basket where it will be seen or I'll forget to do the laundry. I don't hate doing laundry - I tend to have a tendency to forget stuff.
me: wow, a new video, i'm so excited!!
also me: *zones out after few minutes*
haha here we go again
anyway, thank you!
The "lower thirds" (text at the bottom of the screen) we include are an accommodation for that exact reason :D I space out watching them too!
@@HowtoADHD thank you for that :)
@@richiemcconnochie2506 fuck off.
There's nothing to cure, and you are either a spambot or a criminal trying to make people suffer.
@@HowtoADHD yes, thank you so much for that
I did it as well, I said "ok here comes the advice part this is important" and then actually zoned out and only realized it after it ahah, I simply rewinded it and paid attention more consciously this time :) I highly suspect that I have adhd but it's also very hard to tell, but these videos are always very insighful and helpful regardless
When you have to watch this again because you forgot what was said 😐
Lol
Or when you aren’t listening fully .... 😬
Three times got lost in the comments twice lol
It’s like I know what she said, and I know it can help me… but I can’t recall the details. I feel like the closer I get to it, the farther away it is… this is always how I feel with advice about executive functioning,it like it’s just ever so slightly to abstract so my brain just blurs it and moves on…
@@emacias1473 Were you commenting on comments?
My partner has ADHD and I have anxiety and OCD so you can imagine how sometimes this may cause problems. Thank you for your advice, we’ve been together for a long time but I’m always looking for ways to improve our relationship
She: giving me a lot of space to internalize processing emotions/impulses/thoughts. Me: Reassuring her that she matters a lot to me and that I’m not turning her down.
Having ADHD and Autism is the hardest thing in most aspects of life. I needed this.
It is especially when people have treated you unkindly
My ex and I both have ASD, but we still had different needs. Physical touch and affection for me is stressful when there's other stuff going on, or sometimes just in general, but he loved physical touch. I needed him to better express how he was doing/his needs/empathy, and he couldn't do that well. Thank you for this video.
My partner is patient with me when I experience mental overload and knows that its usually because I have not eaten, I'm overwhelmed with responsibilities, or I haven't had my coffee. He is understanding and instead of judging or yelling at me, he watches our kid for a while and reminds me to take a break and take care of my needs before pushing through what is causing me stress. After I calm myself, he gently insists that I talk through what was hard for me and make a plan to take care of myself (drink coffee, eat, etc.) next time before It gets overwhelming. He may not always understand, but he does his best to hear me. I may not want to talk things through due to feeling embarrassed or ashamed for my melt down or feeling like my brain doesn't work the way I want it to, but him encouraging me to talk about it makes me feel supported and heard and avoids future issues. He is great.
It's these little nuances of ADHD which make this channel one of the best for neuro divergence learning.
I have started writing lots of poems about my needs over the pandemic. Its helped me talk to my parents and friends about accommodations.
My brother has Aspergers and I have ADHD, we work together a lot on writing because we both have ideas we want to bring into the real world.
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A problem that arose is that I thrive on feedback and interaction when talking about my writing, he's a rather quiet person. So I've started this habit of asking him to elaborate on things so I know he's listening and paying attention. It's working really well and we're getting a lot done.
This is so important! My ex scoffed at the idea of getting a cleaner, but then at the same time would get annoyed when things were messy lol
In the same row boat
Yep. In the same boat. He said no. Ergh. Most of the mess I have to clean is his. Get a cleaner or lose the bf?
I watched your videos 4 years ago, when I was in middle school and it helped me understand my ADHD, thank you
Biggest and most important tip for any neuro-diverse relationships: go in with your eyes open. Be honest with each other about your conditions.
Your videos were some of the first I looked towards when learning more about ADHD! Thank you for sharing your experiences, they help A LOT in my relationship.
Lots of reminders for my boyfriend are necessary, reminders that everything is okay and that we're doing great as a couple. I also have been told to get his full attention before starting to speak at length because he might miss some things when he's focused. I've just kinda learned not to get frustrated because it must be difficult dealing with ADHD and in anyway I can help, I'd rather do so than lose such a beautiful soul
Your voice is so calming to listen to and I love how clearly you explain things in ways that always make sense 😊
Broke up with my ex with adhd about a month ago even though I still loved her so much because I felt lonely, ignored, and unappreciated. I still can’t get over her because of the fact that she’s never intend to make me feel that ways.
If you love her go back and work at it
This is a tremendously helpful video. I'm on the autism spectrum and have ADHD and my partner is also neurodiverse. It's encouraging to see that there are ways to improve our communication and learn how to meet each other's needs.
Your channel may have just changed my life. I’m 27, I just saw your TED Talk and I cannot thank you enough. Your life and mine had some bizarre parallels, I’m 27 and I’m now at the point that I’ve dropped out of college and moved back home. Oh my god, you might have just saved my faith in myself. And yes I’m typing this comment while the video is still playing. I will rewind 😅
I'm autistic. Previous relationships fell apart because I couldn't read my other partners needs but I know realise it was a two way street. I've always been upfront about my needs including I will say I can't read subtlety, I can't tell what's wrong I need you to tell me when something is wrong. I kept trying to accommodate their needs and they felt smothered.
My current relationship is actually going really well. We spend just 30 minutes cuddling on the couch and having this moment of calm together let's us talk about things that are happening to and around us in a calm efficient manner.
I’ve got Adult ADHD for years I lived without medication and thought I was coping until I fell in love and moved in with a woman without ADHD and realized I’d structured my life around my disorder and that doesn’t necessarily work will when you insert someone into your organized chaos. So I’ve decided to seek help and to get back on medication because my disorder was negatively effecting my relationship in a HUGE way love your content!!!
I just found your channel and this is so helpful and eye-opening. My husband has ADHD and auditory processing disorder, and we are always looking for ways to understand each other better. I’m on bedrest for pregnancy complications, and it’s really throwing off our normal dynamic. I’d like to use this time to learn more about the way he thinks and expresses himself so I don’t get lost in my own head about things. I think this channel is going to be so helpful!
Oh wow! You posted this video at the perfect time! My partner and I just had a big communication struggle that evolved into an argument and I’m on RUclips searching for ways to help us. What do I find but this! My partner has ADHD and I’m on the spectrum and both of us have been recently exploring neurodiversity more so we totally have this issue sometimes. Thanks Jess!
im right here with you. my partner and i go through semi-annual rough patches whenever we both hit bad emotional periods, and one devolved into a fight last night. videos like this help me stop spiralling into disaster scenarios and instead think rationally about ways to solve the problem. unfortunately for me that usually means sitting and waiting for my partner to get it out of their system (i'm much more of a fixer) but i care enough about them to keep trying.
sorry this is kinda an info dump but just wanted to say you're not the only ones 😅
@blinkfilms1 I’m the other side of the equation, so if it helps to think of it this way...waiting for the other person to get it out of their system is fixing. Slow drops in glucocorticoids is such a drag from either perspective.
✍️ Relationships do not have ✍️ to be scary. Accommodate. ✍️
*braves the dating world*
Good video. One of the things I liked was how too often people draw the wrong conclusions about apparent "lack of effort". Often someone who appears to lack effort is demoralised, has a history of failure or rejection or hasn't been given clear instructions on what to do. Genuine lack of effort more often comes from someone who knows how to do an activity, is clear on what they have to do and thinks they are unaccountable, perhaps because they are in a position of power.
Love the Linux in a Windows World reference. I've been using Linux for over 8 years and once you understand it you'll figure out it's way better than Windows. Same deal for those of us with ADHD. Once you figure out how to "use" us you'll see we're way better then the Neurotypical "Windows" folks at some things.
Came here for this comment! 🐧
The timing of this video could not have been better. I'm in tears. Thank you so much. You will never understand how important this was for me.
The best aspect of relationship accommodating for my adhd is when my partner lets me know what is the most important things to him that I don’t forget to do around the house. I make sure I do those things and then the other stuff I do at my own convenience. This makes him feel like I am considerate of his feelings. I don’t feel obligated to do stuff that he doesn’t actually care about. It’s helped out our relationship…. Now to make him communicate things the way I want/need/ don’t get annoyed by! Haha That’s the next challenge 😏
Omg makes me so happy to see your adorable service pup! I have ADHD and my cat is truly amazing at keeping me calm, happy, and giving me an incentive to get up and do things. Even when I’m struggling with regular chores I’m always able to do the things needed to care for her because she always cares for me in return
it’s been a process switching my brain from ‘need to fix problem!!!!’ to ‘how can i accommodate my specific needs in order to get The Thing done?’ but it’s made such a big difference already and it’s in no small part thanks to mental health channels like this one
I really appreciate that you put both adhd and autistic perspectives in your video!!!! Its really helpful because a lot of us have both or are misdiagnosed as one while being the other!!!
I love this video. I have ADHD and my boyfriend has high functioning Autism. I've watched your channel for years after my mother discovered y'all, and it''s been a life changing time. I always tried to work against my ADHD, and now being with someone with both ADD and Autism, it's been a huge struggle. Thank you for this video
I have adhd and had since childhood. My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and he still doesn’t make accommodations for my adhd, bipolar disorder, ptsd, or episodes of disassociation. I guess back in 98 when we started dating, I didn’t know I had any illnesses so he didn’t know to make accommodations. I didn’t know he was supposed to make any either. It’s not always been rosebuds and chocolate for us, and the majority of those not so wonderful times were due to my illnesses, but we are still together. Still very happy, still very much in love, and my point is that, accommodations for our adhd are great. But we CAN survive in relationships, work, and school settings without them.
Thank you for being a great support for the ADHD community. I really appreciate you and your videos.
I just gotta add, us dyslexics are neurodivergent too! We don’t only struggle with reading, but anxiety and executive functioning amongst others. We have our own unique strengths as well. But we too need relationship accommodations.
I have extreme body fatigue when I wake up because of my ADHD, so I usually get ready by having my meds out and beside me with water for the morning. But sometimes, when I get them out at night, I forget that's why I'm taking them out, and accidentally take them, my boyfriend witnessed this twice when I was at his place and said from now on he'll take them out for me so I don't accidentally take them and end up not being able to sleep well once they kick in, super sweet of him!
I’m severe adhd with mild autism, but only recently diagnosed. Been married 4 years and together for 7. It has been the hardest journey for us and still is. I needed to hear this
I understand exactly what you going through, I'm writing from Canada! I used Dr isibor natural herbal calming remedies and body cleanser for my autistic daughter with ADHD. It works! no side effects my daughter behaves normal now..
Just got diagnosed and your videos have helped me immensely in understanding it as well as my spouse. I don't know if you do all the editing and stuff, but it helps me remember it better. Thank you.
It's so cool to see you include other neurodivergent minds in your videos! One of the most helpful things for me has been realizing I'm not the only one who struggles and there are others like me and that we can all share our experiences to support each other! I'm so glad I found your channel and this awesome community :)
THANK YOU for this video!!! I lost the only bf I ever had 8 years ago, mostly because I wasn't good at picking up on nonverbal cues. This concept is so important.
I’m 28 and finally got an ADHD diagnosis on Friday!! Even without a formal diagnosis though, my boyfriend and I found ways to work through things all the time. It’s a learning process for sure, but we’ve learned that explicitly asking each other for what we need really helps.
Needed this. Sharing with my husband. High functioning non diagnosed autism that I’ve struggled with so long with everyone just assuming I’m dramatic and emotional. Sucks
My best friend and I struggle when feeling strong emotions, because we want really different things as responses to those emotions. So we made a spread sheet, to help up remember how react to the other person's emotions in a way they find helpful! It's like a reminder cheat sheet. My best friend also has alexithymia, so we got an emotion wheel that he can look through to help him identify what he's feeling.
Both my wife and I are brains and hearts and it has been cool finding out why we do the things we do and it has made meeting each other where we are.
What I learned from my last toxic relationship is I cannot have someone who yells at me and blames me for everything. Being manipulated or emotionally abused is the main thing to trigger a nonverbal episode.
I'm constantly having these discussions with my adhd partner.
4 years together and it's still a struggle but your videos have really helped me understand and be compassionate.
You taught her how to bring your meds. THIS IS AMAZING!! You should feel very proud of this accomplishment, this is awesome! ^_^