I've been in an ENFP-ENFP relationship. What bothered me wasn't things that I dislike in myself and yet still do but rather the demons that I had conquered in myself yet she had not. The biggest one was flightiness and flakiness. By the end of the relationship, I had felt so ignored and taken for granted that I figured I might as well walk away because she probably wouldn't even notice.
Timothy A. Miller OMG I so relate to this! ENFP-ENFP dynamic is lovely when it's good, amazing even, but the things you see in each other that are things they haven't conquered and you the same to them it's extremely frustrating seeing them doing these things and not being able to help them
You make my day every time i watch one of your videos. I’m an ENFP and just everything you say is simple. However, it’s not simple. It’s complex and you really now how to break it down. I was with an ENFJ for a long time. And well, we fought non-stop. I could never put my finger on the problem because we are both easy going. The problem was as you said “P” vs. “J” function. It took our marriage down the critical path. So, yeah, i felt hugely misunderstood. But now I’m good because I’m making my own decisions. So i get your whole “forever alone” comment. That’s how i feel now, but I’m feeling better about that aspect of myself because i know i have a lot to offer the world. I want to contribute my ideas, inspiration and help. Thank you for your continued inspiration! Amen for ENFP’s because we are the sunshine on a cloudy day! 💖
I am an ENFP and my husband is an INFJ. We have been married for 8 1/2 years and still going strong! This really warmed my heart and made me so happy to hear. It is also very true, I am the kite and he does hold me down. Thank you for this 💜
Interesting observations Dr. Mike. Though, as an INFJ I am a little more apt to go for the ENTP, because of the similarity of the auxiliary and tertiary functions...the connection is a little deeper and more intrinsic feeling to me. But, I do deeply appreciate the ENFP's ability to understand my inner intuitive world which is so crucial for me...a matter of fact I probably would only date and ENTP or ENFP, simply because I have found that, out of all the other types (beyond another INFJ) they seem to get "me" the most, but they have a unique ability to draw "me" out into the world, but, in turn, I also am able to draw them calmly inward in a way that is more intrinsic to their nature. But, it makes sense since we're all dominant intuitives...just directing that intuition in a different direction. Like the 2 sides of an energy converter...one side draws it in and the other spits it out! :)
I'm an ENFP and my mother is an INFJ, I totally agree. Even though I'm way younger than her I can show her a strong sense of understanding with her troubles. And she is able to easily understand and help me on mine. The maturity difference definitely makes her more adept and more independent but I can still definitely see the balance between us. The "anchoring" you mentioned. It's awesome.
Awesome! I love how you mentioned the enfp/infj relationship being how it is! As an enfp, I've always very much appreciated someone more stable and level headed than myself to be my rock, while I could still soar on high. I've been intuitively aware of this for awhile, I totally didnt know there was a type pairing particularly known for this i am your rock, you are my kite quality. I love it.
:D Rainbows and cake! ;-) I think what my ENFP friend brings to me is that he can verbalize what I'm thinking with a vividness that is astonishingly validating to me -to my core- and he encourages me during times that I don't even realize I needed it, but then I really needed it because I didn't stop to notice how hard I was being on myself until he stops me to point out that I should probably ease up. It is a special relationship granted that our world views aren't completely diverging from one another.
I'm an ENFJ who doesn't really connect with INFP's. INFJs easily click with me, and we get along quite well and understand each other's thought processes. ENFP's require me to step back outside myself, listen better, and allow for emotional space. INFP's are quite mysterious, but I am learning to be a more intent speaker and listener and to be patient in letting the person speak, or drawing things out when necessary.
I'm an INFP, and I while I can say that I appreciate ENFJs, I can't really imagine having a long-term relationship with one. My sister is an ENFJ, for instance, but she frequently comes across as overbearing and critical to me, and has little patience for listening to me talk about things.
I relate to the kite metaphor, but I come from an INFP/ESFP perspective. I am the brooding, emotional one and he brings fun and joy. I have noticed strong P/J conflicts with others, and finding balance with Ne/Se instead has proved very fruitful. I explore ideas, he explores the world, and we both listen with our feelings. 7 years so far, relaxed and learning. ^^
Yeah, I totally get the INFP/INFJ disconnect. I'm an INFP and my mom is an INFJ. Even though I love my mother to death, she constantly drives me insane. I understand and relate to my INTJ sister better than to her--by far. I cannot imagine having a functional marriage with an INFJ. It just wouldn't work.
Hey Dr. Mike I loved this video, so many aspects that I can relate to as an INFP. Currently I'm pursuing an ENFP - we are both artists so I hope this could act as a beacon for us to shine our flashlights towards. Obviously I was happy to hear that you have had a lot of great experience with INFP's as an ENFP. How do you think it translates when the gender roles are reversed(Male INFP/Female ENFP)? I am also wondering what you could give of advice concerning the maintenance you are talking about in terms of avoiding shining two flashlights towards each other? One of my all time best friends are INTP, and I grew up with an INTP father and an ESFJ mother. I always understood my father on a fundamental level, however interacted more with my mother(because I didn't feel I had the need to talk to my dad to understand him). My own deduction is that I adopted a lot of my father's views and used them to be the mediator between him and my mother. I belive that because of Te I had an objective study of Ti in my father, which I know is one of the driving functions of both INTP and INFJ when it comes to productivity. SO! my question is, does this give me an advantage in grounding an ENFP? What would you say I should keep in mind? Besides having patience to not lash out if I feel hurt. Simon
(ENFP man) What are your genders? Same or different? I have a very good friend INFJ man. We don't meet often, but we have special moments and great communication.
Sorry but Im an INFJ and Ive been with an ENFJ for over 4 years now and it is perfect! Its not worse as enfp infp as you said because the extraverted feeling makes us actually talk about what is wrong and solve the problem! I can see Fi just being moody about it and never mentioning it and it getting worse and worse, but NFJs dont do that! I think NFJs are the perfect match.
LOVE this vid, i'm infj and i had the same experience with an INFP . i had an issue with the fact that they are not very practical when it comes to fix their own problems, i tried to give the INFP the tools but it went to a disaster !.
Interestingly, INFPs feel similarly about INFJs...lol I tried to help and inspire an INFJ I was dating, who was incredibly stuck in life. It didn't work, he just thought I was an emotional idiot and I thought he was cold, paranoid, controlling and impossible to understand as he didn't even know his own emotions. I could see through him and that made him uncomfortable. My mom is an INFJ and it's the same between us, she sees my flaws and I see hers, we both see the other person as just needing to be more like us in order to succeed, or whatever. She always insists she understands me perfectly and I know for sure she doesn't understand, as what she says never reflects that she's even heard what I said accurately. Then she's onto chatting about something frivolous within 5 seconds after I've revealed something profoundly painful...there's no end to the frustrations, I just have to accept that she is what she is. It's ridiculous that there's a stereotype about INFJs being the deepest thinkers and feelers, it's just not so in my experience...my mom can be incredibly superficial, ditzy and frivolous, while I haven't experienced this much with INFPs. I think finally at long last she's accepting that we're very different...it's been a long process of individuating out of her influence to find who I really am. The reason the INFJ tools didn't work to "fix" your INFP's life is that we do not think in the same ways, so your tools won't work for us. I follow an ENFP coach on youTube, he's helpful because his mind is more similar to an INFP since we use the same cognitive functions.As an INFP, the only way for me has been to live my way into the answers to my problems...I can't figure it out ahead of time like an INFJ can. Every time I try to make a longterm plan, something comes in to mess it up completely. I would also try to advise my INFP friends, but they never take my advice so I learned there's nothing I can do except say what I would do in their situation and let them make their own decisions. INFPs can also have a lot of wisdom - this is developed through trial and error, which might look 'messy' and 'problematic' to other types. This is how INFP learns and it's not necessary to interfere. I will say that I think INFJ/INFP works great in a therapeutic context. My therapist is an INFJ and she's wonderful, I feel she is a big sister to me. In all my friendships or relations with INFJs, there's always an underlying quality of being therapists or advisors to each other. This can go well especially if the relationship is explicitly therapist-client. But romantically, INFJs can't provide the emotional warmth and constant/grounded energy that INFP needs. They will get annoyed with our flaws, and vice versa.
I vote for ENFP/INTJ detectives instead! My INTJ cousin is very keen on remembering all facts involved and comparing the current case to other ones we've handled! And she's also good at getting all the fine details straight on our hypothesis of what happened! And there's enough difference in the way we think to account for the different possible ways of thinking that the suspect could've had. (We're both fans of the ID channel, just so you know. lol)
motives are coming from, what it is each truly desire and this is where we both find kindredship and understanding.. i think on the deepest level, all people really want the same thing on the end... the need to feel truly loved despite whatever they may do, the need for unconditional faithfulness, and the ability to be able express that love in return.. a transcending, unconditional love. i think all behaviours whether in a positive or negative way, do reflect that deep rooted desire..
Tell me about it, I am INFP and I KNOW it's tough being one. Hang in there though, you just have to find an ENFJ or ENFP and you're sorted, soooooo good luck lol ;)
Julie D, I completely agree. I know an INFP and an ENFP and they have been married for 19 years. They are very happy. Their strengths and weaknesses actually compliment each other. At least that is what I think.
You hit a lot about the INFP/INFJ relationship quite well. There are some connections here and there depending on a great deal of other things. But, in the end, polar opposites.
To be honest, my best friend is infj (I am enfp) and I think it's wonderful for our NF connection. However, I have come to the conclusion that for love, I believe the socionics point of view. I like that they pair a type that uses the same 4 conscious functions but in the opposite order. If we only feed our feelings and intuition, we are leaving ourselves in a vulnerable spot. The reality is, we do live in this world and we need to be part of it. An istj maybe use introverted sensing and extroverted thinking as their main preference, but they are willing to learn from the enfps extroverted intuition and introverted feeling because they still have preference for them consciously. Now that's a good balance! Unfortunately, I find that the more time I spend with my infj best friend, the more i loose control of my exterior world. I end up feeling sucked into a world metaphysically that I truly enjoy, but like a drug, I'll wake up having guilt for not taking care of the rest of my physical life.
INFJ here, my first boyfriend was an ENFP, it was lovely and sweet, but i ended up breaking his heart, which i have a hard time forgiving myself for even after all these years. The rest were disasters, from an ESFP, very briefly dated an ESTP, and an INTJ. These last relationships sucked and were very unhealthy. I' have been celibate for 3 years now i am trying to get myself together emotionally, as i looked back to these relationships i was jumping too soon from one to the other, which i came to understand to be a sign of codependent traits in my personality. I am trying to stop making it my life mission to find a soul mate and focus on myself.
10+ yrs of flying my ENFP kite in marital bliss. Mike you are spot on with the ENFP/INFJ thang. We thought it was weird that we never got into a fight over the yrs, but I find the Fe/Fi circuit really helps. Warning to others, never cheat on an INFJ, you will get busted like my ex's did. ;-)
Great video Dr. Mike! I was wondering if you ever posted your relationship tier system anywhere? I'm an INFP and I always seem to end up in semi-unhealthy relationships. I'm thinking that part of my problem might be that I am going after the wrong "type" of person. I understand that this isn't a foolproof system and that any type can theoretically make it work but I'm thinking looking at your system and getting a better idea of what types work better together could help me out a little :)
Dr. Mike, you talked specifically about how ENFPs and INFJs balance each other and are the best match for each other. You also said that INFPs and ENFJs are the best match for each other, but the only reason for that that I can find in this video is that ENFP is to INFJ as INFP is to ENFJ. Do you think that the INFP-ENFJ relationship is as good as the ENFP-INFJ relationship? I've read conflicting information about INFP-ENFJ relationships. You are very insightful about NF relationships, and I'd love to hear what you have to say.
i'm an ENFP with an ENFJ! and life's never been better :) and i have an INFJ girl bestfriend. i can never stand being friends with girls before, but she's the only exception . lol
I actually don't mind different perceptive functions (i.e. Ni+Se & Ne+Si), I think the deal-breaker is different judging functions (i.e. Ti+Fe & Te+Fi) cos it seems like two people can never come to an agreement with each other on deeper topics, while with different perceptions people can either consider the other person's perspective or agree to disagree.
I love these videos on relationships. I would love to see you do an NF/NT relationships that don't work and why. I have a question Mike I've read that the INFJ/ENTP relationship is a perfect match maybe even more than INFJ/ENFP what are your thoughts on this? I can't say I've found every ENTP I've met attractive and I've never had a relationship with one. I have a male ENTP friend and we just connect so well, I guess its the line up of the functions and I do find some ENTPs very attractive
So is there a diagram of this tier system and what about SF types with NF types or ST types. I have been in an on and off relationships for almost 5 years with an ISFP.
Oh I will come back in twenty years ;-) We both know this is IT. It just saddens me how INFJ ENFJ gets so little positive attention when People talk about types and relationships. It s such a great match, you share all the functions so you get eachother, but as theyre in different order you also learn from eachother. Enfjs Se is more pronounced so my ENFJ helps bringing me out of my head, Im a lot happier when we´re around eachother. Shared Ni means great conversations.
Oh dear...doesn't Socionics say the INFP-ENFJ or INFJ-ENFP relationship is not so good (Contrary Relations)...but that INFP-ENFP is a Mirror relation and therefore better? I'm confused. :-O Which is true? I hear a lot about INFP-ENFJ being great, I was surprised that Socionics doesn't seem to agree? And then they say the Dual partner is the best of the best, but I can't imagine being with an ESTJ or even meeting one given my very NF interests! I'm attracted to ENTJs but they scare me. I love ENFPs but I relate to what you're saying here too, and I've never found myself attracted to an ENFP romantically, only platonically. I wish I knew all my former partners' types but I don't, I can only guess. My longest and best relationship (as an INFP) was with an ISFP I think, we were young though and both in in a cozy Fi world together. Now, it would not work at all in our 30s! Any other INFPs had short, inconsistent, dissatisfying or downright harmful relationships that have left you completely cynical and disillusioned with love? Hearing NFs talk so idealistically about love...all I can think is...yeah, back in my 20s I thought that too. Meh. :( :( Somewhere inside me I haven't given up, but it's really tough to imagine what a healthy longterm relationship would even look like for me.
Hi Mike, I know I am an NF but I am questionable about my last function letter. I have taken the type test and I have come up as an Enfp and Enfj before. I know I am 11% extroverted and I tried to narrow down the j and f function by taking a test on that only and it came up as as 50% both right in the middle. I am married to an INTJ he drives me crazy when everything has to be so scheduled like our vacations for example and he had to have every little detail scheduled were we ate what we were going to do ect but I will say I did appreciate that we got to do so much and didn’t miss out. At the same time I love to organize and make list and get things done but I am not as good as he is takes me longer..But I also like to have options and change my mind sometimes go with the flow. But I do usually have a plan and stick with it. It is as if work and Home life are different. At work I follow through and can get things done . But at home I like to be less serous and have fun be flexible. Is it possible to be balanced between the two. On my job I have had to work in very different environments were the work was mundane and same thing every day. And than were it was constantly changing no system or reason. I was bored with the first but liked knowing what I had to do. Second I liked learning new things and it wasn’t boring but looked for a little more structure. I have been told by work I don’t like change but am great at making plans and following through getting things done. But my husband says I am easy going and need to be less forgetful and more organized not so flighty. Can you see my problem I share both functions is that possible? Also I love both J and P my son is ENTP my Husband INTJ and I like how relaxed easy going flexible my son is. My husband thinks he can be Lazy but I just think he gets bored easily and when I ask him for example to do his choirs I will give him a time frame not do this now and get it done. Seth my husband I like that he can plan things out and helps to keep me and my family on our toes to say so that we don’t forget or miss out on the important things. If it were left up to me some things would end up falling to the waste side.
(ENFP man) You sound like an ENFP to me. We are good at planning anyway, but we do it all flexible and chaotic. I used to be in relationship with an INTJ and I learned some things out of that. It lasted 4 years with alot of fighting and breaking up. She wouldn't understand and respect my FP functions and she wouldn't be able to follow up my life, travelling and moving away from my hometown. She loved me and she said she would do it, but it would destroy everything she planned and worked for and she told me that she didn't want to leave her job. I don't think it's easy for us to have a great connection with any type, but INFJ and INFP. Other types can be interesting, we can learn alot, we can make it with compromise, but it's not worth it. This is not the life we should be living.
I did say INFP/ENFP and INFJ/ENFJ was good with work, that it required maintenance. And besides, four years is not as long as you think. Come back in 20 years.
How is it going so far? I have tried dating INFPs a good number of times and each time I end up being their counselor or something. I gotta admit that I have to learn how to take more in a relationship but those INFPs should also learn how to give more without the other one asking.
Going on four months now. It isn't too bad, he actually gives a lot. It ain't perfect but to me it is pretty good. I think it helped we were friends first for a long time. Also I wonder if it has anything to do with it but he was the youngest of six children so I think he learned a lot that way.
but wouldn't ultimate desires or purpose determine whether a relationship will succeed or not. NF's being one of the deepest group, have an advantage in seeing beyond the surface issues and understand the deepest motives behind behaviour... and these motives reveal the hidden desires, so wouldn't NF's find unity in that regardless of how each type expresses themselves? My beloved is an INTJ, i'm INFJ, no matter what difference lie between Te/Fe Fi/Ti, we can ultimately see where our ..cont..
I'm INFJ I've never had a relationship with an ENFJ but the ones I've met I just find a little over powering for me just a bit too much they're the NFs I connect with least, I've never worked with one but I know I'd find that annoying too, I just know that a relationship just wouldn't work for me, sorry ENFJs no offence it just doesn't work for me
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I've been in an ENFP-ENFP relationship. What bothered me wasn't things that I dislike in myself and yet still do but rather the demons that I had conquered in myself yet she had not. The biggest one was flightiness and flakiness. By the end of the relationship, I had felt so ignored and taken for granted that I figured I might as well walk away because she probably wouldn't even notice.
Timothy A. Miller OMG I so relate to this! ENFP-ENFP dynamic is lovely when it's good, amazing even, but the things you see in each other that are things they haven't conquered and you the same to them it's extremely frustrating seeing them doing these things and not being able to help them
You make my day every time i watch one of your videos. I’m an ENFP and just everything you say is simple. However, it’s not simple. It’s complex and you really now how to break it down. I was with an ENFJ for a long time. And well, we fought non-stop. I could never put my finger on the problem because we are both easy going. The problem was as you said “P” vs. “J” function. It took our marriage down the critical path. So, yeah, i felt hugely misunderstood. But now I’m good because I’m making my own decisions. So i get your whole “forever alone” comment. That’s how i feel now, but I’m feeling better about that aspect of myself because i know i have a lot to offer the world. I want to contribute my ideas, inspiration and help. Thank you for your continued inspiration! Amen for ENFP’s because we are the sunshine on a cloudy day! 💖
I am an ENFP and my husband is an INFJ. We have been married for 8 1/2 years and still going strong! This really warmed my heart and made me so happy to hear. It is also very true, I am the kite and he does hold me down. Thank you for this 💜
Interesting observations Dr. Mike. Though, as an INFJ I am a little more apt to go for the ENTP, because of the similarity of the auxiliary and tertiary functions...the connection is a little deeper and more intrinsic feeling to me. But, I do deeply appreciate the ENFP's ability to understand my inner intuitive world which is so crucial for me...a matter of fact I probably would only date and ENTP or ENFP, simply because I have found that, out of all the other types (beyond another INFJ) they seem to get "me" the most, but they have a unique ability to draw "me" out into the world, but, in turn, I also am able to draw them calmly inward in a way that is more intrinsic to their nature. But, it makes sense since we're all dominant intuitives...just directing that intuition in a different direction. Like the 2 sides of an energy converter...one side draws it in and the other spits it out! :)
I'm an ENFP and my mother is an INFJ, I totally agree. Even though I'm way younger than her I can show her a strong sense of understanding with her troubles. And she is able to easily understand and help me on mine. The maturity difference definitely makes her more adept and more independent but I can still definitely see the balance between us. The "anchoring" you mentioned. It's awesome.
Awesome! I love how you mentioned the enfp/infj relationship being how it is! As an enfp, I've always very much appreciated someone more stable and level headed than myself to be my rock, while I could still soar on high. I've been intuitively aware of this for awhile, I totally didnt know there was a type pairing particularly known for this i am your rock, you are my kite quality. I love it.
Biiiiiiig HUG for Dr. Mike, from an INFJ.
Thanks for explaining these dynamics so well.
The timing of this video is phenomenal.
:D Rainbows and cake! ;-) I think what my ENFP friend brings to me is that he can verbalize what I'm thinking with a vividness that is astonishingly validating to me -to my core- and he encourages me during times that I don't even realize I needed it, but then I really needed it because I didn't stop to notice how hard I was being on myself until he stops me to point out that I should probably ease up. It is a special relationship granted that our world views aren't completely diverging from one another.
I'm an ENFJ who doesn't really connect with INFP's. INFJs easily click with me, and we get along quite well and understand each other's thought processes. ENFP's require me to step back outside myself, listen better, and allow for emotional space. INFP's are quite mysterious, but I am learning to be a more intent speaker and listener and to be patient in letting the person speak, or drawing things out when necessary.
I'm an INFP, and I while I can say that I appreciate ENFJs, I can't really imagine having a long-term relationship with one. My sister is an ENFJ, for instance, but she frequently comes across as overbearing and critical to me, and has little patience for listening to me talk about things.
Yes. I'm INFP and I don't click with ENFJs like I do ENFPs.
I relate to the kite metaphor, but I come from an INFP/ESFP perspective. I am the brooding, emotional one and he brings fun and joy. I have noticed strong P/J conflicts with others, and finding balance with Ne/Se instead has proved very fruitful. I explore ideas, he explores the world, and we both listen with our feelings. 7 years so far, relaxed and learning. ^^
@ 17:00 INFJ do appreciate you, that is correct
Yeah, I totally get the INFP/INFJ disconnect. I'm an INFP and my mom is an INFJ. Even though I love my mother to death, she constantly drives me insane. I understand and relate to my INTJ sister better than to her--by far. I cannot imagine having a functional marriage with an INFJ. It just wouldn't work.
ohh I am an INFP with an INFJ mother too...we should talk. hahaha
Hey Dr. Mike
I loved this video, so many aspects that I can relate to as an INFP. Currently I'm pursuing an ENFP - we are both artists so I hope this could act as a beacon for us to shine our flashlights towards. Obviously I was happy to hear that you have had a lot of great experience with INFP's as an ENFP.
How do you think it translates when the gender roles are reversed(Male INFP/Female ENFP)?
I am also wondering what you could give of advice concerning the maintenance you are talking about in terms of avoiding shining two flashlights towards each other?
One of my all time best friends are INTP, and I grew up with an INTP father and an ESFJ mother. I always understood my father on a fundamental level, however interacted more with my mother(because I didn't feel I had the need to talk to my dad to understand him). My own deduction is that I adopted a lot of my father's views and used them to be the mediator between him and my mother. I belive that because of Te I had an objective study of Ti in my father, which I know is one of the driving functions of both INTP and INFJ when it comes to productivity.
SO! my question is, does this give me an advantage in grounding an ENFP?
What would you say I should keep in mind? Besides having patience to not lash out if I feel hurt.
Simon
As an ENFP, my longest, closest, and best friend is INFJ. We're not lovers or anything though, but my life wouldn't have been possible without him.
(ENFP man) What are your genders? Same or different? I have a very good friend INFJ man. We don't meet often, but we have special moments and great communication.
Both male. We're platonic life partners.
KNIGHTMAREMANIAC lol exactly same with me and my "bro"... I actually have a brother INFJ too, but he is more like INxJ
Aris Giannakos KNIGHTMAREMANIAC is this a "no homo" and saying that there are only two genders. Lmao
Iris Moth i dont get your point.
I'm an INFP and my husband an ESTP and we are total opposites.
HOLY SHIT THIS WAS DESCRIBED PERFECTLY! -from a fellow enfp
From an INFP.... I love hearing your points of view:) Great video:)
Sorry but Im an INFJ and Ive been with an ENFJ for over 4 years now and it is perfect! Its not worse as enfp infp as you said because the extraverted feeling makes us actually talk about what is wrong and solve the problem! I can see Fi just being moody about it and never mentioning it and it getting worse and worse, but NFJs dont do that! I think NFJs are the perfect match.
I'm an INFJ, but weak on the J. Test results have come back both INFJ and INFP. So it can be either or for me at times.
My experience as well.
I just love this this stuff!!! Of course I do (INFJ life). Thanks for sharing!
Kelly Darby: tale thecsrs
LOVE this vid, i'm infj and i had the same experience with an INFP . i had an issue with the fact that they are not very practical when it comes to fix their own problems, i tried to give the INFP the tools but it went to a disaster !.
Interestingly, INFPs feel similarly about INFJs...lol I tried to help and inspire an INFJ I was dating, who was incredibly stuck in life. It didn't work, he just thought I was an emotional idiot and I thought he was cold, paranoid, controlling and impossible to understand as he didn't even know his own emotions. I could see through him and that made him uncomfortable. My mom is an INFJ and it's the same between us, she sees my flaws and I see hers, we both see the other person as just needing to be more like us in order to succeed, or whatever. She always insists she understands me perfectly and I know for sure she doesn't understand, as what she says never reflects that she's even heard what I said accurately. Then she's onto chatting about something frivolous within 5 seconds after I've revealed something profoundly painful...there's no end to the frustrations, I just have to accept that she is what she is. It's ridiculous that there's a stereotype about INFJs being the deepest thinkers and feelers, it's just not so in my experience...my mom can be incredibly superficial, ditzy and frivolous, while I haven't experienced this much with INFPs. I think finally at long last she's accepting that we're very different...it's been a long process of individuating out of her influence to find who I really am.
The reason the INFJ tools didn't work to "fix" your INFP's life is that we do not think in the same ways, so your tools won't work for us. I follow an ENFP coach on youTube, he's helpful because his mind is more similar to an INFP since we use the same cognitive functions.As an INFP, the only way for me has been to live my way into the answers to my problems...I can't figure it out ahead of time like an INFJ can. Every time I try to make a longterm plan, something comes in to mess it up completely. I would also try to advise my INFP friends, but they never take my advice so I learned there's nothing I can do except say what I would do in their situation and let them make their own decisions. INFPs can also have a lot of wisdom - this is developed through trial and error, which might look 'messy' and 'problematic' to other types. This is how INFP learns and it's not necessary to interfere.
I will say that I think INFJ/INFP works great in a therapeutic context. My therapist is an INFJ and she's wonderful, I feel she is a big sister to me. In all my friendships or relations with INFJs, there's always an underlying quality of being therapists or advisors to each other. This can go well especially if the relationship is explicitly therapist-client. But romantically, INFJs can't provide the emotional warmth and constant/grounded energy that INFP needs. They will get annoyed with our flaws, and vice versa.
Can you do a video on maybe type opposites in relationships?? For example ENFJ and ISTP? :) thanks Mike love the videos
I vote for ENFP/INTJ detectives instead! My INTJ cousin is very keen on remembering all facts involved and comparing the current case to other ones we've handled! And she's also good at getting all the fine details straight on our hypothesis of what happened! And there's enough difference in the way we think to account for the different possible ways of thinking that the suspect could've had. (We're both fans of the ID channel, just so you know. lol)
Where is this chart of compatability of which you speak of?
motives are coming from, what it is each truly desire and this is where we both find kindredship and understanding.. i think on the deepest level, all people really want the same thing on the end... the need to feel truly loved despite whatever they may do, the need for unconditional faithfulness, and the ability to be able express that love in return.. a transcending, unconditional love. i think all behaviours whether in a positive or negative way, do reflect that deep rooted desire..
Being en INFP has not been easy :P
Tell me about it, I am INFP and I KNOW it's tough being one. Hang in there though, you just have to find an ENFJ or ENFP and you're sorted, soooooo good luck lol ;)
Stay away from ENFP's if you are an INFP, it just doesn't work
You're telling me. I go crazy for extroverts and it sucks because I am an INFP. Hang in there. I will work out.
mark that is simply just not true. infp's and enfp's can and do make great matches, it all depends on the individuals.
Julie D, I completely agree.
I know an INFP and an ENFP and they have been married for 19 years. They are very happy. Their strengths and weaknesses actually compliment each other. At least that is what I think.
You hit a lot about the INFP/INFJ relationship quite well. There are some connections here and there depending on a great deal of other things. But, in the end, polar opposites.
To be honest, my best friend is infj (I am enfp) and I think it's wonderful for our NF connection. However, I have come to the conclusion that for love, I believe the socionics point of view. I like that they pair a type that uses the same 4 conscious functions but in the opposite order. If we only feed our feelings and intuition, we are leaving ourselves in a vulnerable spot. The reality is, we do live in this world and we need to be part of it. An istj maybe use introverted sensing and extroverted thinking as their main preference, but they are willing to learn from the enfps extroverted intuition and introverted feeling because they still have preference for them consciously. Now that's a good balance! Unfortunately, I find that the more time I spend with my infj best friend, the more i loose control of my exterior world. I end up feeling sucked into a world metaphysically that I truly enjoy, but like a drug, I'll wake up having guilt for not taking care of the rest of my physical life.
INFJ here, my first boyfriend was an ENFP, it was lovely and sweet, but i ended up breaking his heart, which i have a hard time forgiving myself for even after all these years. The rest were disasters, from an ESFP, very briefly dated an ESTP, and an INTJ. These last relationships sucked and were very unhealthy. I' have been celibate for 3 years now i am trying to get myself together emotionally, as i looked back to these relationships i was jumping too soon from one to the other, which i came to understand to be a sign of codependent traits in my personality. I am trying to stop making it my life mission to find a soul mate and focus on myself.
I have a similar relationship history but am an INFP. How has it turned out?
Dr Mike where are you now?
ENFP happily married (10 Years) to an ISFJ that keeps me grounded and inspired by her loyalty.
That's lovely to hear. I lost my ISFJ lover. I was impressed by the loyalty too. It's very warm. But she changed.
10+ yrs of flying my ENFP kite in marital bliss. Mike you are spot on with the ENFP/INFJ thang. We thought it was weird that we never got into a fight over the yrs, but I find the Fe/Fi circuit really helps. Warning to others, never cheat on an INFJ, you will get busted like my ex's did. ;-)
Great video Dr. Mike! I was wondering if you ever posted your relationship tier system anywhere? I'm an INFP and I always seem to end up in semi-unhealthy relationships. I'm thinking that part of my problem might be that I am going after the wrong "type" of person. I understand that this isn't a foolproof system and that any type can theoretically make it work but I'm thinking looking at your system and getting a better idea of what types work better together could help me out a little :)
Hahaha, as an Enfp I always think in curves.
Same here. ENFP who thinks in curves.
Dr. Mike, you talked specifically about how ENFPs and INFJs balance each other and are the best match for each other. You also said that INFPs and ENFJs are the best match for each other, but the only reason for that that I can find in this video is that ENFP is to INFJ as INFP is to ENFJ. Do you think that the INFP-ENFJ relationship is as good as the ENFP-INFJ relationship? I've read conflicting information about INFP-ENFJ relationships. You are very insightful about NF relationships, and I'd love to hear what you have to say.
Yes. I do think this too is a good match.
+NFGeeks with Dr. Mike! I think INFP-ENFJ is awful.
It's not a formula for perfection, it just makes the journey a little easier. In addition, it may be that your experience may be with mistypes.
i'm an ENFP with an ENFJ! and life's never been better :)
and i have an INFJ girl bestfriend. i can never stand being friends with girls before, but she's the only exception . lol
I actually don't mind different perceptive functions (i.e. Ni+Se & Ne+Si), I think the deal-breaker is different judging functions (i.e. Ti+Fe & Te+Fi) cos it seems like two people can never come to an agreement with each other on deeper topics, while with different perceptions people can either consider the other person's perspective or agree to disagree.
I love these videos on relationships. I would love to see you do an NF/NT relationships that don't work and why. I have a question Mike I've read that the INFJ/ENTP relationship is a perfect match maybe even more than INFJ/ENFP what are your thoughts on this? I can't say I've found every ENTP I've met attractive and I've never had a relationship with one. I have a male ENTP friend and we just connect so well, I guess its the line up of the functions and I do find some ENTPs very attractive
So is there a diagram of this tier system and what about SF types with NF types or ST types. I have been in an on and off relationships for almost 5 years with an ISFP.
So as an INFP, I'm never going to marry my Psychiatrist? Lol.
Awesome vid! Now, an important question, where did you get those shirts?
+ivangrey13 Thrift stores. Retail is for suckers.
the most NF thing to say....ever...^^^^ :)
BEST DETECTIVES. YES. I AGREE XD
love how you have books in the background entitled 'idiot's' :L
As an INFJ w a former ENFP bf, I was more grounded yes, to my bf's delusionsal tangents.
Oh I will come back in twenty years ;-) We both know this is IT. It just saddens me how INFJ ENFJ gets so little positive attention when People talk about types and relationships. It s such a great match, you share all the functions so you get eachother, but as theyre in different order you also learn from eachother. Enfjs Se is more pronounced so my ENFJ helps bringing me out of my head, Im a lot happier when we´re around eachother. Shared Ni means great conversations.
I love INFP's and I have had great conversations with them too. The question is are the emotionally compatible in the midst of conflict.
What about a pairing of an INFJ to INFP with a weak I?
Oh dear...doesn't Socionics say the INFP-ENFJ or INFJ-ENFP relationship is not so good (Contrary Relations)...but that INFP-ENFP is a Mirror relation and therefore better? I'm confused. :-O Which is true? I hear a lot about INFP-ENFJ being great, I was surprised that Socionics doesn't seem to agree? And then they say the Dual partner is the best of the best, but I can't imagine being with an ESTJ or even meeting one given my very NF interests! I'm attracted to ENTJs but they scare me. I love ENFPs but I relate to what you're saying here too, and I've never found myself attracted to an ENFP romantically, only platonically. I wish I knew all my former partners' types but I don't, I can only guess. My longest and best relationship (as an INFP) was with an ISFP I think, we were young though and both in in a cozy Fi world together. Now, it would not work at all in our 30s! Any other INFPs had short, inconsistent, dissatisfying or downright harmful relationships that have left you completely cynical and disillusioned with love? Hearing NFs talk so idealistically about love...all I can think is...yeah, back in my 20s I thought that too. Meh. :( :( Somewhere inside me I haven't given up, but it's really tough to imagine what a healthy longterm relationship would even look like for me.
Hi Mike, I know I am an NF but I am questionable about my last function letter. I have taken the type test and I have come up as an Enfp and Enfj before. I know I am 11% extroverted and I tried to narrow down the j and f function by taking a test on that only and it came up as as 50% both right in the middle. I am married to an INTJ he drives me crazy when everything has to be so scheduled like our vacations for example and he had to have every little detail scheduled were we ate what we were going to do ect but I will say I did appreciate that we got to do so much and didn’t miss out. At the same time I love to organize and make list and get things done but I am not as good as he is takes me longer..But I also like to have options and change my mind sometimes go with the flow. But I do usually have a plan and stick with it. It is as if work and Home life are different. At work I follow through and can get things done . But at home I like to be less serous and have fun be flexible. Is it possible to be balanced between the two. On my job I have had to work in very different environments were the work was mundane and same thing every day. And than were it was constantly changing no system or reason. I was bored with the first but liked knowing what I had to do. Second I liked learning new things and it wasn’t boring but looked for a little more structure. I have been told by work I don’t like change but am great at making plans and following through getting things done. But my husband says I am easy going and need to be less forgetful and more organized not so flighty. Can you see my problem I share both functions is that possible? Also I love both J and P my son is ENTP my Husband INTJ and I like how relaxed easy going flexible my son is. My husband thinks he can be Lazy but I just think he gets bored easily and when I ask him for example to do his choirs I will give him a time frame not do this now and get it done. Seth my husband I like that he can plan things out and helps to keep me and my family on our toes to say so that we don’t forget or miss out on the important things. If it were left up to me some things would end up falling to the waste side.
(ENFP man) You sound like an ENFP to me. We are good at planning anyway, but we do it all flexible and chaotic.
I used to be in relationship with an INTJ and I learned some things out of that. It lasted 4 years with alot of fighting and breaking up. She wouldn't understand and respect my FP functions and she wouldn't be able to follow up my life, travelling and moving away from my hometown. She loved me and she said she would do it, but it would destroy everything she planned and worked for and she told me that she didn't want to leave her job.
I don't think it's easy for us to have a great connection with any type, but INFJ and INFP. Other types can be interesting, we can learn alot, we can make it with compromise, but it's not worth it. This is not the life we should be living.
where can i see the teir/heirachy for enfp!!!!? thanks Mike
I did say INFP/ENFP and INFJ/ENFJ was good with work, that it required maintenance. And besides, four years is not as long as you think. Come back in 20 years.
INFP man and INTJ girl is a pretty rad combo, let me tell you.
Where can I find a good INFJ man...lol!
currently in an enfp infp relationship.
How is it going so far? I have tried dating INFPs a good number of times and each time I end up being their counselor or something. I gotta admit that I have to learn how to take more in a relationship but those INFPs should also learn how to give more without the other one asking.
Going on four months now. It isn't too bad, he actually gives a lot. It ain't perfect but to me it is pretty good. I think it helped we were friends first for a long time. Also I wonder if it has anything to do with it but he was the youngest of six children so I think he learned a lot that way.
Well if you can't be with the one you love...
but wouldn't ultimate desires or purpose determine whether a relationship will succeed or not. NF's being one of the deepest group, have an advantage in seeing beyond the surface issues and understand the deepest motives behind behaviour... and these motives reveal the hidden desires, so wouldn't NF's find unity in that regardless of how each type expresses themselves? My beloved is an INTJ, i'm INFJ, no matter what difference lie between Te/Fe Fi/Ti, we can ultimately see where our ..cont..
Don't take it personally.
I'm INFJ I've never had a relationship with an ENFJ but the ones I've met I just find a little over powering for me just a bit too much they're the NFs I connect with least, I've never worked with one but I know I'd find that annoying too, I just know that a relationship just wouldn't work for me, sorry ENFJs no offence it just doesn't work for me
are INFP ans ISFP compatible?
I'm xNFP (probably I), married to ISFP for 40 yrs. Still very much in love but I won't lie- it's a lit of work.
Makes a lot of scene to me.
Mike, I'm INFP, i want to be on your show! :) pretty please?
Ummmm.....thanks?