Healing the Past as a Late Diagnosed Autistic Woman
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- Опубликовано: 27 авг 2024
- This is only a very teeny beginning of my healing story. I'm doing well today, feeling regulated. It doesn't mean I won't have bad moments or bad days. A lifetime of hurt, won't be erased by one ah-ha moment. But, I am learning more and more about myself as a late diagnosed woman. I'm learning that as an undiagnosed autistic I wasn't given all the information on how my brain worked. I internalized messages that were wrong and confusing. They didn't match up with reality, but it is what everyone would tell me. If the same thing happens again and again, it's you not them. Well... it was me, but it was Undiagnosed Masked Autistic Me. I've got new information and I'm ready to open the page to the next story of my life. At least in this moment. Maybe tomorrow I'll slam the book shut. Because this is a PROCESS. And that is okay.
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It’s very interesting that you don’t have an inner monologue. Mine never shuts up!!! Yes being autistic its so hard to keep friends but I think the more we know ourselves the easier it gets. Thank you for your inspiration!
I'm still trying to work it out, but from what I can understand from how other people talk about monologue, it doesn't resonate for me! I do have thoughts (obviously) but they just seem like the present differently. Thank you for watching and commenting. I really have been making some wonderful friends the past couple years. Growth is good!
Amanda, you’re the best friend and I am truly so blessed and grateful you are in my life!!! Like I told you the other day, there is nothing about you that I would ever change, there is nothing about our friendship that is challenging, you Are truly an angel sent from God to me and I treasure you with all my heart. Tears fill my eyes when I think of how beautiful you are, and how much you’ve given to me during this dark season of my life. I thank you for pursuing me, and being what you call “pushy“, I needed that push during my depression to connect. You always sending me messages when I didn’t feel up to always responding told me that you cared so much. I love you more than words can say, and I can’t wait to hang out with you in the next few days! We fit so perfectly together, you’re right ❤️😘😊
Joy you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I'm so glad you see me as caring where so many see it as pushy. You are the best!!!
I love the fact that you are forgiving yourself for past self critism and shedding your old identity. have a great time creating your new story.
Definitely a work in progress, but all part of the healing process.
I very much relate to your friendship experiences. Not the memory disorder part of course, but the misunderstanding of boundaries in my attempts to empathize and be a “good” friend.
Oh man…the validation and closure and healing. All of this.
For real. It always hurts the most when a friendship ends when I thought I was being the best friend I could be. But now I'm realizing it wasn't just me and a misunderstanding of social cues.
@@i.am.mindblindI think it’s also important to remember that neurotypical (or at least non-autistic) people aren’t exactly perfect at communication either. Our now more enlightened perspective helps us understand that our social difficulties stem from specific sensory processing divergences, but social interaction and friendship and other types of relationships are even more complicated than that. And ultimately, the success of those relationships is a responsibility that falls on all parties involved. I feel like it’s important to keep that fact in perspective when analyzing what we could do differently going forward. That even if we fully compensate for our previous misunderstandings, that doesn’t mean future relationships will work out how we expect or how we think they should-and that’s okay.
I think you and I have had the exact same problem in life: we hang out with neurotypicals too much. I've watched a few videos where you said people think you're "too much" or that you're too "self-centered" and, as someone who has ADHD and autism, I've been confused about being accused of the exact same things. Also, I came to realize that, when I'm hanging out with other neurodivergent people, no one thinks anyone is "too much" because we're all on the same wavelength. I still don't think I have anyone who I consider to be my friend though, just more of an acquaintance, and I'm not sure if it's because most of these people I've only met online or if, because of my trauma, I'm scared of opening up, consider them my friends and then ending up getting hurt again.
And oh man... I felt the "a boss is just a human being at the same level as any other coworker". I've had so may times when I was just casually talking to someone, my coworkers would be like "OMG do you have ANY IDEA who that was? That was the head of [insert department here]" and I'd shrug and go "It's just a person though, I talk to everyone the same way". 🙈
The more I dive into NT vs ND thinking the more I see how different our processes really are. It's quite amazing how we can take in the same input have such wide variety of experiences. I'm lucky to have some great NT friends but communication with them does take extra effort on both of our parts.
I don’t have an inner monologue, but I feel like I could create one if I wanted to-if that makes any sense. I’ve always imagined my thoughts as a shape-shifting liquid mass. When I focus on something, the relevant thoughts sort of flow towards each other and congregate. I realize that probably sounds kind of weird. But I’ve always been a pretty decent big picture thinker, and I think that kind of thought process perspective has something to do with it.
That's an interesting way to describe your thoughts. I kinda like it. 😊
Excellent video 🩷 I've always had/have trouble keeping long-term friendships. I would feel bad about myself & internalize those emotions. Now I just appreciate the past experiences, wish them Love while also appreciating the future relationships that enter my life ❤️
I recently started to think about friendships like lightening bugs. I enjoy them while I have them, and then set them free when they end.
@@i.am.mindblind I like that 🪰
Wow this is so interesting Amanda. I do have an inner monologue… but I also have to process out loud. For me I think it’s my alexythimia and delayed processing… if I’m processing out loud it forces me to really analyze the situation and I find I can then access how I feel about it easier. If it’s something a bit complicated it definitely takes multiple times talking it out over and over. I usually end up recording myself talking about it (or I’ll journal about it) until I’ve finally fully processed everything. It’s hard because, as you said, you want to talk to a close friend or family member about it over and over… but that’s not always possible or, at least in my case, fair to them. I know it’s definitely frustrated my husband a few times haha. Thats why I just talk to myself when I’m completely alone if I need to.
Anyway, watching the rest of your video now. This is so interesting!
Okay, I finished! You are so articulate, thank you so much for sharing all that. I’m going to have to process later because as I started thinking about my own experience with friendship I really related to what you were saying and became emotional.
Again, thank you so much for sharing.
@Elyse Kochmanski Oh, I'm so sorry. I know it's a lot that I'm processing too. I'm open to any insights you come up with. You can also DM me on Instagram (i.am.minblind) Thank you for commenting, it means a lot to me to know others are going through all this with me.
This is The Autistic Page. I feel mich more comfortable in the presence of women. I want to have friends but with women they sometimes misunderstand my intentions as I will speak to them like a man or ANYONE. I do not uderstand the sexual differences. I speak to everyone the same. I dont know when i am making "inappropiate" comments. (With a autistic woman this does not apply as they are as blunt and open as myself) This has caused many bad situations so now I simply avoid everyone. I hope this does not spund sexist or something. I never know. This is the part where autism REALLY sucks. No matter how good my intentions, the more comfortable with people I feel the more likely i am to unknowingly offend them. So it is safest to stay at home. I did try for years but now since I was assulted by the police i am afraid to even go on my porch (where it happened).
I really think I understand. Sometimes I can't image putting myself out there again and again for friends. I also understand not paying attention to gender too much. Autigender is a term where an Autistic person's gender is influenced by their autism and they are more gender fluid or don't see gender.
❤❤❤❤
Congrats on the upcoming 20 year anniversary btw!
Thank you! I think reaching twenty years of marriage is just so special to me, because we've had a lot of communication to get to where we are at. My husband loves me so much and it feels so good to confidently say that when so many times in my life I don't know where I stand with people.
@@i.am.mindblind absolutely! It’s an amazing thing you two have. Very much worth celebrating.
Hi =o)
Hi, hope you enjoyed the video! 😊
Heh, even looking up Internal Monologue is kinda confusing, but I think that I am pretty dang sure it is English with touches of the other languages I have going on in their, I am at least utilizing the language center of the brain to communicate with myself with better ability and fidelity than I can to the external world.
with the AuDHD, specificlly the ADHD, I would say that rather than the voice "Never shutting up" like a radio talk person nattering on but an auctioneer that won't go home and is now trying to sell the microphone... there is always some brain nugget to be working on and it seems little different than talking to myself if I use the vocal cords or not, just the vocal cords sound worse.
And I would agree, I had to had to get an official DX because the options were either Autistic or Monster... Lots and lots of processing and yeah, lots of letting go.
What languages do you speak? That is interesting, I never thought about what an inner monologue would be like for a multilingual person. Overall my brain is a quiet space, which is nice, but I do think there is a very quiet monologue sort of maybe in the background. It's such an interesting experience to try and pay attention to HOW one thinks.
It is so sad that so many of us had such negative words associated with our brain type. :(