This video does a great job explaining why I would never financially recover from having a child. Also a good reminder to be nicer to parents of small children out and about.
It is so hard. Our families love us but we made a choice to not live near them (pre-kids, before we came to our senses). Our moms came to help when each baby was born and we were able to leave our kids with them for a few trips in our 22 years of child-rearing so far. A huge sanity saver when all our kids were small was the 2 hours per day of included childcare at the YMCA. It was good for me to work out and take a break from my kids. We went a few times a week and it was such a good reset for me from the built up stress.
My parents are 5 minutes away and unless I initiate, we pretty much see them on a holiday basis. It stung at first since my grandparents were such an integral part of my childhood, and sad my kids won't get those memories, but I've gotten over it as the years past.
This is an interesting talk that isn't foreign to me. I am a homeschooling mom to 8 , I had all my children 18 months apart and my husband worked till about 9pm. My family was over an hour away and would help for an occasional MD visit but not often. I felt so isolated and overwhelmed for most of my young mothering years. You asked a question about at what cost and I can say for myself it cost me my mental health. Sadly , for my kids they saw me crying quite a bit out of complete exhaustion and overwhelm. The only times i got a break was grocery shopping at 9:30 pm or driving an hour to a starbucks so they would all nap. I think i came to a level of acceptance when i had my fourth that my life would never be the same , these little people needed me and i needed to be strong, but i still cryed in my room. My advice to you as a 48 year old mom, dont feel guilty asking your husband for help they are his kids too and if it is too stressful move back to where family is it makes sense. Also, being outside hiking is good for everyone.❤
As you know Becca, I'm a full support grandparent and love it. I'm sad for the grandparents who miss this experience. My daughter and her husband are off to Europe for an entire month in June and we will take over the kids and dog. I really feel for those who are not as lucky as my daughter. I had no family support when I had kids (and I was a solo mother) but I had really great friends (neighbours or other Mums who I met at kindergarten etc) to take the burden from me. It's hard, it really is.
It is so beautiful that you are able to give that support to your daughter and grandkids! All of your lives are so much richer for it. It's definitely doable to do it on your own, it is just so much harder and a little less joyful. But I would do it again and again!
I’m sorry about this aspect of your life-I hope you one day have the support that you want and need! I’m a mother of 3 young children and feel the struggle, even though we have a wonderful support network. Your situation is hard. Keep up the good work, your kids are lucky to have you as their mom❤
It sucks when you get to the point of when you do ask and keep getting told no it makes you feel like you’re being a burden to other people. We’ve had friends/family constantly tell us no they can’t watch our two kids while I go to drs appointments etc. I’ve just stopped asking. Now we just try to work out appointments for when my husband is home. It’s really hard though.
Well said, becca. Feel for youbut you’re being intelligent & thoughtful as always. We have 2 grandsons. We have a solid relationship with our 15 year old grandson whose parents (mother in particular) have included us in his life in all sorts of ways, along with other nearby grandmother, as well as her parents who live elsewhere. Parents of the 5 year old grandson don’t include us, or any of the other grandparents (we all live nearby), have never asked for any support, and have kept contact to a 2 hour visit about once evry 3 months. The lad knows who we all are, but has never talked directly to us (Mum or Dad tend to speak for him), hugged us, or interacted on his own with us. We have made our willingness & interest ti be supportive in whatever way needed/wanted, to no avail. We’re saddened the foundations of a lifelong relationship have not been allowed to develop, and can only hang in, hoping to be a support network one of these days, keeping the family ties as open as possible in the meantime. We’re also really perplexed why the parents seem to believe they have to do it all.
That is tragic! Have you had a conversation and asked why you can’t see the grandchild more? If my mom was anywhere close nearby I would be seeing her several times a week! But I know everyone is different.
I don’t know where my comment has gone but I see you Becca 🥺 you are amazing. Both you and Billy are doing an incredible job being no support parents. I wish I could help ❤ From NZ X
Thank you 💕 I know this is for a time - it will be better when they get older. But sometimes right now it can definitely be a lot. So grateful I have Billy 💕
Some parents/grandparents also just don't want those relationships. I don't have parents, and my husband has two siblings that call on his parents 24/7 for all their child needs, and we live 'too far away' for them to visit us. (45 mins in texas which is nothing. It takes that long to drive across the town they live in). We have to go to them if wr want to see them. They always have excuses for why they can't keep our kids, even though they have their other grandkids all the time. But we're the only one's who ask. The others just show up and drop off their kids. Funny how being the only respectful kid gets us ignored. It's really pushed me into the mindset of, if you don't want a relationship with my children, i don't want to leave them with you. 🤷 For example I broke my tailbone and have had to lean heavily on my 12 year old to help out with things around the house, because we have no help. I am very lucky we have amazing older retired neighbors we can rely on in emergencies. But yeah. It's exhausting, relationships get strained, and I struggle being jealous of people with support.
We have found a homeschool co-op here recently, after living here 5 years. And have made friends with another family, which has been really cool. I can least have adult interaction during the day sometimes lol
It’s so frustrating to me hearing stories like this! Also I can kind of relate - I’ve seen it so many times where the needier kids get all the monetary support and time donations while everyone else gets totally overlooked and it’s completely unfair.
If you ever happen to live in West Michigan, I will be your in person friend. We can stick to virtual for now. 😅 My situation is not the same as yours, but I relate in lots of ways. You saying, 'you wouldn't trade it' and 'it is what it is' are phrases I say often as well. I have followed you for a few months on IG. I see that you are intentional and care about your family and yourself. Thank you for this video, it helps me feel less alone! 💛
This is the reason I love social media! When I started talking about the things I feel alone in, so many people responded what I said resonated with them too. And it’s made a big difference 💕
You're a great Mum. Billy is a great Dad and you have the most gorgeous kids. Even though you're away from your family , joining groups and making friends is important. Places you can find friends or associates who can help are at work, uni, library, neighbours,gym, park, church,choir, band, sports team, frequent shopper / passenger, craft / hobby club.
I agree with all of this. We have plunged straight into the deep end of all the social outings and activities the second we moved here. It just takes a fair amount of time to build up relationships to the level where I can trust them to watch my kids (and I, theirs) and to be at the comfort level where I am able to ask them for help. It took us over a year in New Zealand to build that there. It's been almost a year here and I still am not there yet 💕
@Becca.Loveless it will happen in time. We need to trust people in preschools, schools and also hospitals to leave our children ther e. Are there any family, political or community clubs you could join.
I am newly married and am also a student. I want kids after I finish my studies and I have learned SO MUCH from your perspective. I’ve been listening to mothers and learning about the changes that come with making a family!!! Your honesty is AWESOME. Thank you, I learn a lot even though I can’t relate to your situation much yet!!😅😂❤
It's tricky! Every situation is so different. But I do like adding the narrative that having kids isn't always the incredibly perfect and rosy experience some moms online paint it to be. I think it's totally worth it, and it's beautiful and I would do it over the same way if I had to, but it is hard sometimes.
No support parents from Ontario, Canada. Here we have EarlyOn centers where I was able to make handful of solid mom friends. No ones ever offered to watch our daugther but two ofy now best friends are moms who are also staying at home. Jist heading to the park or whereever to play with the kids together and talk keeps.me sane honestly. I don't think I could stay home if it was 100% me 100% of the time.
I would love even that much! I go to the family center, strong start, play gym, the library, and lots of parks! And while I've met several people, I haven't really found many (any) stay at home moms. Everyone works here 😅 and I don't feel comfortable asking for their time when they have so little of it already. But I'm still looking!
@@Becca.Loveless I don't know if I intended to mean that it's just good to be back across the pacific in itself. My writing may not be written well enough sometimes (may be a lot lol?) I wrote the "you're across the pacific " only to infer that I'm on the other side of it from you. Nu Zillan, lol. I like Americans living here and to live here. In ways, I have known examples where immigration here really shoots the country in the foot and they need to smarten up. People have had to leave that are really talented, but that we really need them. I'm sad that you had to leave.
We in the western type world have been in Neo Liberal Economics since Reagan for the US, Thatcher for the UK, Douglas in NZ, etc, and that shift they all enabled has been very acidic for societal health.
This video does a great job explaining why I would never financially recover from having a child. Also a good reminder to be nicer to parents of small children out and about.
It is so hard. Our families love us but we made a choice to not live near them (pre-kids, before we came to our senses). Our moms came to help when each baby was born and we were able to leave our kids with them for a few trips in our 22 years of child-rearing so far. A huge sanity saver when all our kids were small was the 2 hours per day of included childcare at the YMCA. It was good for me to work out and take a break from my kids. We went a few times a week and it was such a good reset for me from the built up stress.
My parents are 5 minutes away and unless I initiate, we pretty much see them on a holiday basis. It stung at first since my grandparents were such an integral part of my childhood, and sad my kids won't get those memories, but I've gotten over it as the years past.
It’s so horribly sad for everyone! And it doesn’t make any sense. I just have so much to say about it, I’ll stop myself here 😅
This is an interesting talk that isn't foreign to me. I am a homeschooling mom to 8 , I had all my children 18 months apart and my husband worked till about 9pm. My family was over an hour away and would help for an occasional MD visit but not often. I felt so isolated and overwhelmed for most of my young mothering years. You asked a question about at what cost and I can say for myself it cost me my mental health. Sadly , for my kids they saw me crying quite a bit out of complete exhaustion and overwhelm. The only times i got a break was grocery shopping at 9:30 pm or driving an hour to a starbucks so they would all nap. I think i came to a level of acceptance when i had my fourth that my life would never be the same , these little people needed me and i needed to be strong, but i still cryed in my room. My advice to you as a 48 year old mom, dont feel guilty asking your husband for help they are his kids too and if it is too stressful move back to where family is it makes sense. Also, being outside hiking is good for everyone.❤
As you know Becca, I'm a full support grandparent and love it. I'm sad for the grandparents who miss this experience. My daughter and her husband are off to Europe for an entire month in June and we will take over the kids and dog. I really feel for those who are not as lucky as my daughter. I had no family support when I had kids (and I was a solo mother) but I had really great friends (neighbours or other Mums who I met at kindergarten etc) to take the burden from me. It's hard, it really is.
It is so beautiful that you are able to give that support to your daughter and grandkids! All of your lives are so much richer for it. It's definitely doable to do it on your own, it is just so much harder and a little less joyful. But I would do it again and again!
I’m sorry about this aspect of your life-I hope you one day have the support that you want and need! I’m a mother of 3 young children and feel the struggle, even though we have a wonderful support network. Your situation is hard. Keep up the good work, your kids are lucky to have you as their mom❤
I’m not sure I’ll ever get the support - I’m just counting on them getting older and it all getting easier 💕
It sucks when you get to the point of when you do ask and keep getting told no it makes you feel like you’re being a burden to other people. We’ve had friends/family constantly tell us no they can’t watch our two kids while I go to drs appointments etc. I’ve just stopped asking. Now we just try to work out appointments for when my husband is home. It’s really hard though.
we‘re no support too because we moved countries. but I‘m so glad that childcare is subsidised and health care is by the government.
There’s give and takes everywhere!
Well said, becca. Feel for youbut you’re being intelligent & thoughtful as always. We have 2 grandsons. We have a solid relationship with our 15 year old grandson whose parents (mother in particular) have included us in his life in all sorts of ways, along with other nearby grandmother, as well as her parents who live elsewhere. Parents of the 5 year old grandson don’t include us, or any of the other grandparents (we all live nearby), have never asked for any support, and have kept contact to a 2 hour visit about once evry 3 months. The lad knows who we all are, but has never talked directly to us (Mum or Dad tend to speak for him), hugged us, or interacted on his own with us. We have made our willingness & interest ti be supportive in whatever way needed/wanted, to no avail. We’re saddened the foundations of a lifelong relationship have not been allowed to develop, and can only hang in, hoping to be a support network one of these days, keeping the family ties as open as possible in the meantime. We’re also really perplexed why the parents seem to believe they have to do it all.
That is tragic! Have you had a conversation and asked why you can’t see the grandchild more? If my mom was anywhere close nearby I would be seeing her several times a week! But I know everyone is different.
I don’t know where my comment has gone but I see you Becca 🥺 you are amazing. Both you and Billy are doing an incredible job being no support parents. I wish I could help ❤ From NZ X
Thank you 💕 I know this is for a time - it will be better when they get older. But sometimes right now it can definitely be a lot. So grateful I have Billy 💕
Your channel deserves so many more likes and subscribers! I can relate to a lot of whay you ralk about. Thank you.
I haven’t quite figure out my channel on RUclips yet 😅 it used to be NZ based. Now I think I finally know which direction it should go
Some parents/grandparents also just don't want those relationships. I don't have parents, and my husband has two siblings that call on his parents 24/7 for all their child needs, and we live 'too far away' for them to visit us. (45 mins in texas which is nothing. It takes that long to drive across the town they live in). We have to go to them if wr want to see them.
They always have excuses for why they can't keep our kids, even though they have their other grandkids all the time. But we're the only one's who ask. The others just show up and drop off their kids. Funny how being the only respectful kid gets us ignored.
It's really pushed me into the mindset of, if you don't want a relationship with my children, i don't want to leave them with you. 🤷
For example I broke my tailbone and have had to lean heavily on my 12 year old to help out with things around the house, because we have no help.
I am very lucky we have amazing older retired neighbors we can rely on in emergencies. But yeah. It's exhausting, relationships get strained, and I struggle being jealous of people with support.
We have found a homeschool co-op here recently, after living here 5 years. And have made friends with another family, which has been really cool. I can least have adult interaction during the day sometimes lol
It’s so frustrating to me hearing stories like this! Also I can kind of relate - I’ve seen it so many times where the needier kids get all the monetary support and time donations while everyone else gets totally overlooked and it’s completely unfair.
If you ever happen to live in West Michigan, I will be your in person friend. We can stick to virtual for now. 😅
My situation is not the same as yours, but I relate in lots of ways. You saying, 'you wouldn't trade it' and 'it is what it is' are phrases I say often as well.
I have followed you for a few months on IG. I see that you are intentional and care about your family and yourself. Thank you for this video, it helps me feel less alone! 💛
This is the reason I love social media! When I started talking about the things I feel alone in, so many people responded what I said resonated with them too. And it’s made a big difference 💕
You're a great Mum. Billy is a great Dad and you have the most gorgeous kids.
Even though you're away from your family , joining groups and making friends is important. Places you can find friends or associates who can help are at work, uni, library, neighbours,gym, park, church,choir, band, sports team, frequent shopper / passenger, craft / hobby club.
I agree with all of this. We have plunged straight into the deep end of all the social outings and activities the second we moved here. It just takes a fair amount of time to build up relationships to the level where I can trust them to watch my kids (and I, theirs) and to be at the comfort level where I am able to ask them for help. It took us over a year in New Zealand to build that there. It's been almost a year here and I still am not there yet 💕
@Becca.Loveless it will happen in time. We need to trust people in preschools, schools and also hospitals to leave our children ther e. Are there any family, political or community clubs you could join.
I am newly married and am also a student. I want kids after I finish my studies and I have learned SO MUCH from your perspective. I’ve been listening to mothers and learning about the changes that come with making a family!!! Your honesty is AWESOME. Thank you, I learn a lot even though I can’t relate to your situation much yet!!😅😂❤
It also “take a village to support a mother” ❤
It's tricky! Every situation is so different. But I do like adding the narrative that having kids isn't always the incredibly perfect and rosy experience some moms online paint it to be. I think it's totally worth it, and it's beautiful and I would do it over the same way if I had to, but it is hard sometimes.
Love your channel new subscriber
🥲 thank you!!
No support parents from Ontario, Canada. Here we have EarlyOn centers where I was able to make handful of solid mom friends. No ones ever offered to watch our daugther but two ofy now best friends are moms who are also staying at home. Jist heading to the park or whereever to play with the kids together and talk keeps.me sane honestly. I don't think I could stay home if it was 100% me 100% of the time.
I would love even that much! I go to the family center, strong start, play gym, the library, and lots of parks! And while I've met several people, I haven't really found many (any) stay at home moms. Everyone works here 😅 and I don't feel comfortable asking for their time when they have so little of it already. But I'm still looking!
I see you Becca 😢 you are doing an incredible job & of course Billy too! 🫶🏽
I found it 🥰
Join a couple of Mom's groups, regularly visit the story reading at the library. You will find your community network....
I do all of these 🥰
Glad you're looking very well. You're across the pacific now of course. You're very aware, which is good for your kids. I agree with you very much .
Why is it good to be back on the other side of the Pacific?
@@Becca.Loveless I don't know if I intended to mean that it's just good to be back across the pacific in itself. My writing may not be written well enough sometimes (may be a lot lol?) I wrote the "you're across the pacific " only to infer that I'm on the other side of it from you. Nu Zillan, lol. I like Americans living here and to live here. In ways, I have known examples where immigration here really shoots the country in the foot and they need to smarten up. People have had to leave that are really talented, but that we really need them. I'm sad that you had to leave.
Ive been "Muming" since 1991, now about to become an "empty nester" in the blink of an eye they will be gone. I hear you, l was you. 👍
It’s all so hard! 😭
Doesn't BC have a Playcentre organization like NZ?
We found it really helpful meeting other parents.
they have something a little similar called strong start. We go twice a week usually. It's just not the same 😅
We in the western type world have been in Neo Liberal Economics since Reagan for the US, Thatcher for the UK, Douglas in NZ, etc, and that shift they all enabled has been very acidic for societal health.
?
How can we shift it back though?
-signed, Tired Mom