Beliefs Held by the Scapegoated Child: "I am physically disgusting".
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- Опубликовано: 7 июн 2024
- This video addresses common beliefs held by scapegoated children of narcissistic parents. The rejection faced by the narcissistic parent is often replayed in the child's relationship to his or her body image.
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The weird thing is that the more you are scapegoated the harder you try to be better to please them, you gain extra skills, you work extra hard, just trying to get some love ... they literally turn you into an amazing human being because of the constant feeling that you are never good enough. It's the weirdest thing.
@@gowiththeflow3791 I think it’s pretty common because of how we are scapegoated for our good qualities like being honest or fair. Because we have these good qualities we tend to have success in life despite the anguish of being rejected by our own families and targeted with false projection which is the biggest pain s human being can endure. It’s akin to like a solitary confinement prison room only our good qualities don’t go away we just kind of carry on ...
Maybe he will discuss "cognitive dissonance" in one of his vids. Essentially, and the way i have come to understand that concept is: "we love most what we work hardest for" (even when its not so good for us) Its a valuation thing i guess.
@Sara Fox Wow, yes!! Can so relate to what you are saying.
Or you give up
I disagree with you, being/acting as perfect slave doesn't make anyone amazing human. oh maybe you meant "amazing human slave"?
We literally raised ourselves. Never felt safe, protected, loved or that I deserved to be taken care of. I felt like a burden. I was actually told, "when you were born, I didn't want you. Your siblings took care of you the first year".
So very sorry. I know this pain. Soul retrieval has helped me immensely.
Oh love, I'm so sorry. No child or soul should ever be made to feel that way.
Same here.
I had same experience. Was always told "we had no problems until you came along."
Me too.
I thought I had a mental illness until I realized my symptoms were from parental abuse I was coping from. Just knowing the truth helps so much. I wish this help had been available when I entered puberty in 1980. I suffered needlessly for many years. I am glad that young people today can get the knowledge they need from RUclips specialists if by no other way.
That’s what saved me. I left at 18 and went low contact and then at 21 no contact at all. If it weren’t for reading up on “mothers who are abusive to their daughters” on google years ago and finding out about narcissistic abuse I would of probs had a breakdown and blamed myself… x
ME too! In my whole 60 years life Ive Been at several therapists because I did think there was som serious wrong with ME! Intim One therapist told ME I was healthy, but I had to Take a closer look to my environment. So now I see that my sister is a sosiopath and my mother is a covert narcissist !!!!
You might have both. Mental illness can co-exist with parental abuse.
I wish the same. When I got depression in year 2000. I had no clue what was happening to me😢
My heart goes out to you! Finding these videos in my 30s has helped me know I'm sane and stay grounded dealing with this. I'm glad this info is more available. It's never too late to heal
Parents are supposed to build you up and encourage and celebrate. My parents didn't get the memo. Oddly, in grade 8 I won the high point athletic trophy at school, you know the big one in the display case in the school entrance still 40 years later.... but I had to have my 3 year old sister take a photo of me with it. I had so much potential, all wasted on trying to please the vampires. I look at old school photos and I am shocked at how un-ugly I was, I don't recognise the person.
We should be able to sue for damages- fraud, harrassment, physical abuse, loss of a normal life.
I have one yearbook where I scribbled out my photo that year. My self loathing was very reflective of what I was dealing with at the time.
Their potential killers . That's what messes with me the most
I'm starting to think that maybe not. Maybe we wish parents were builders but end up destroying us. In reality many families have been traumatized by family members and parents
They are sadistic monsters who should be identified and sterilized. We should defi itely be able to sue and there should be criminal charges as well. They are murderers. They just savor the kill one cut at a time over decades.
I still am not able to let myself have a picture taken of me…in grade school I started at public school and my siblings went to Catholic private school…I had been almost killed by the bully in 2nd grade having my face smashed into a curb busting out half of one front tooth and smashed the rest in to my gums..busted my nose, crushed my cheekbone and injured my neck….it knocked me out apparently cuz when I sat up and looked the teacher and students were a block away yet they had stepped over my body in order to get by me…so after a few years of targeting by the Catholic school I went to public schools…one day..5th grade, I came home and my middle brother who is a sociopath…gave me a picture of myself …the school pics for the year…he shouldn’t have had access to the pics because we went to different schools and my mother is the only one who should have had those pictures…well she gave him one…he took it to school and let all of his classmates draw on it and write derogatory comments on it and brought it home and gave it to me…he is 4 years younger than me…he still calls me buckey even though I’ve had my teeth fixed as an adult finally and underwent a massive surgery to fix my nose and cheeks/ sinuses when I was 35…I took the picture from him and tore it up while he stood there and hysterically laughed in my face…my mother was angry with me because I was upset…since then I refuse to have pictures taken and have a fear of it actually…it makes me angry to see myself in a picture….there aren’t any of me with my sons or husband and the family photos growing up didn’t include me in them…as an adult , I demanded all my school photos be handed over and took them to the fireplace in front of my family and lit them on fire….and told my mother it’s messed up she had pictures taken of me when they were used to bully me…if she thinks I’m so ugly then why get photos of me. Other then my license…there are no pictures that exist of me…idk if I look ok in photos or not…I never want to see one ever again…it reminds me of my brothers ugly face and his nod flared like a horse when he was laughing and rolling on the ground pointing at me….in front of everyone else in my family…but I was in the wrong because of my reaction…I tore it up and went to my room and cried…I remember having such horrible depression even before I was 10 because I knew I’d never be pretty and attractive…I couldn’t figure out why my parents had me…they obviously didn’t want me so why?
I always felt like men that found me attractive were disgusting because I felt like I was disgusting
They basically set you up to fail as the scapegoat. If you stay you get your family but you continue to get abused. If you leave no longer abused but you no longer have your family. Either way you lose!
I was born 8 years after the next sibling. The entire family ganged up on me. It was their entertainment. They’re still doing it. I’ve always felt small and worthless ... and yes, I kept myself that way for so very long. They hate it when you wake up. I just wish I could get away from them forever. I hate them hate them hate them.
Hope you have tried no contact. It's the only way I got some time to heal and finally realise that not putting up with their evil games sets you free to live your life.
@@deborahp7500 thank you! I’m doing no contact as much as I can right now and rebuilding my life. 9 months later, I don’t hate them that much anymore - I realize it all comes from great pain and dysfunction that started way before I came on the scene, and it’s not about me - I’m just the one who it was really easy for them to take it out on. It’s so great when you understand and can really start to detangle yourself and reinvent yourself on your own terms, sanely. It takes a tremendous amount of self awareness and consistent, personal change. And just not letting them play their domination games without knowing exactly what they’re up to. Knowledge is awesome.✌️❤️☀️
@@MaileyMcAslan Great! God bless
@@deborahp7500 God bless you also.
You aren't worthless. You are worthy of love and deserve people who appreciate you for yourself. You are a child of God. Share yourself with someone who can appreciate you.
Recently discovered that I have body dysmorphia as a result of constant abuse, thank you for calling attention to this! I could never understand why I always felt so physically disgusting.
I suffered from this too 🙌💓
Me too! I am correcting my flaws 24/7. Lots of $. I can’t change now.
But what if most people treat you as physically disgusting?
Society is very superficial after all, human beings are incredibly biased visually when it comes to perceiving and judging others.
felt ugly and its double horror bcs, actualy, i'm good looking. it's ruined me as girl and as adult stiil fight it. (my mom was jealous of me, i think)
My parents constantly told me I was disgusting and an embarrassment. Wierd thing was, I couldn't understand why they thought that, but once I was rejected in the dating scene, then I believed it. Insidious.
same. at age 22, a man rejected me and i ended up in a mental hospital for a month. guess what? my parents befriended that man. he was welcome at their house. is that a normal thing, lol
Why is nobody talking about what happens when this is true and not just a lie from a select few people..? Humans are heinously visual and superficial, that’s just a horrible fact.
I pretty much let my parents destroy me. By the time I got the strength to leave I'd lost all potential. Especially physically. I was encouraged to alcoholism, and caught in a weird eating cycle where I'd be shamed for not eating, then shamed for eating, then laughed at for gaining weight, then told that I was fat because I was lazy and stupid, then shamed again for refusing food, told I was ungrateful for wasting any.
Unfortunately that left me misshapen and grey-haired before 30. It's not untrue that I'm physically disgusting. Luckily the childhood sexual abuse makes it easy to never have to show anyone my body though lol
This type of conditioning is what kept me from dating. Even today I still can't look at myself in the mirror and why I don't like getting my picture taken. For most of my life, I thought my mistreatment was due because of my appearance.
Same. I’ve been on one date at 18 and had different guys interested in me but I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m 27 🙈
I know this pain. I was curvy and told how much of a whore and stripper I looked but you can't shrink genetics 🙄
I also hated mirrors unless it was to hurry and get ready for the day. I missed out on modeling opportunities I didn't want to take photos nor did I see what they saw.
Fast forward, I discovered a love for the gym and a partnership with someone who is compassionate to my needs
Maybe try to shut up the negative voices you hear and replace with a rebuttal of why you are wonderful beautiful and Do deserve 🤗💥
I wish I was kept from dating I didn't date until 19 and wanna guess who I met and married yup narcissist
I barely dated. The one boyfriend i had was abusive to me and i felt like i deserved it. I was 15-17 at the time. I had no idea what love looked like..
I still have no idea what love looks like except from my youngest son who is my replacement if we stay here..I’ll never let them do this to him
Had an eating disorder in high school and never understood what caused it. I did feel physically disgusting. I was very shy and scared to talk to people. At 17, I felt such shame for who I was. My mom told me I was "a zero". Never connected the dots, but it all makes sense now.
Oh gosh, I felt the same way. I’m so sorry your mother told you that. It’s so wrong!
Omg. This is so accurate. I was a late bloomer but developed a bombshell body and it ignited my moms envy and rage. I would starve myself and developed an eating disorder. I hated being curvy.
Same here omg
Same but with my dad. I think. He got much nastier when I got tall and broad shoulders.
Yep, me too.
@@uncleiroh0989 they don't like when you get taller than them
I was the same except I over ate to be fat (not conscious of it at the time). When I was fat she would just laugh at me but not directly abuse me.
This is so accurate. I will say that this feeling of rejecting and fearing the needs of my body got terrifying with menopause. For any women struggling with body changes and new bodily needs that come with peri/menopause, please be alert to how the internalized narc voice gets louder and can drive a deeper rejection and loathing of your body at a time when your body needs kindness most. I wish I had this video 10 years ago. Thank you, Jay!
Yessssss! No one has ever ever ever told me this, why i feel phisically disgusting, thank you i thought i knew it all but i learned
I can relate.
Exactly.
Yeah. My mom had me thinking I was 'hideous'
This is the most damaging of narcissistic abuse. The scapegoat is always harming themselves and becomes suicidal.
My family would gang up on me and say I look like a little boy the whole time growing up. I was sexually abused by multiple people growing up. As sick as it sounds that in itself confirmed that what they said wasn't true. Also, no one in school ever said that about me. My narcissistic husband said that about me. That's how I knew my family loaded him up with what to say about me. I'm obese now and I don't care if people find me attractive or not. My family still tries to malign me and it doesn't ever end, does it? I don't know why I'm such a threat, everything is ruined.
So sorry. You're a surviver and that makes you strong,smart and beautiful. You have purpose and a voice! I hope you find peace.
Merry Christmas!
Sending you hugs 🤗 I'm so sorry you had to go through that, stay strong you can make it through this.
What if everyone who maligned you was wrong? None of it's true. Who would you be without all that garbage thinking dumped into you? Underneath all that junk, we are really free
Patricia,. I'm deeply sorry. That breaks my heart. Sending you a hug from Florida and adopting you as my sibling. It pains me greatly the evil in this world. I didn't go through that. I was just always wrong and my siblings were always right. Had learning difficulties and was made fun of in school. I never married but am happy alone. I had a few amazing dogs and now live in the memories and peace of no bull shit. Merry Christmas
You probably have qualities that your tormentors will never attain. They hate that in a family member.
If you stand up to the narcissist bully you get excommunicated and cannot offer a reprieve to those you love
You remember what happened to the plants that they fed 'you're disgusting' messages to in those experiments right? I have still not recovered from the projections. I still have 'worthlessness attacks' that leave me feeling frozen in indecision and uncertainty. It takes constant effort to self-nurture and self-assure.
this content is appreciated greatly. to whomever reads this... unlearning and healing is exhausting but liberation soon follows. keep going.
Thank you....for FREEDOM🇺🇸💫🤓👍🏽😇💖!! much love back to you too!!✌🏽
Lovely comment 💕
Thanks.
I had TWO NP’s after me every day for more than 10 years. When I finally got out, they ignored me and 35 years later, still are and make it known that I, as a journalist, is still worth nothing. It took me a long time to wake up, and I have worked on forgiveness. Five years ago, I went no contact and it was the best thing I ever did. This was all done without drug prescriptions or therapy. Please know you don’t have to be in a drug fog to do this! Each and every one of you are WORTH IT. Take care and Happy New Year.
I’ve been no contact since 21 and although I’m happy I am and did it I feel isolated and tend to stay in my room a lot and not go out. I feel like I’ve wasted my 20’s
Congratulations Lil 🎉
I got a beautiful athletic body. As soon as I got into my teenage years, my mother got insecure! Every day was a struggle and even got physically attacked. I hated myself. Still pretty tough to take compliments in.
I tried very hard to tell my ex that, "my mother is jealous of me" and he couldn't wrap his head around it.
Had the same experience! Never understood why she seemed to take me going through puberty as some personal attack or threat to her. She got physically abusive too and would constantly compare her body to mine or mine to my (hated) fathers.
It shows more when it's a mom who valued looks over other things like Gigi Hadids mom was a model and now gigi is taller than mom and more famous her mom subconsciously can't handle it
As scapegoats we have to play "ugly duckling".
Unfortunately, I believed that I was an ugly duckling and then an unlovable ugly person... because my narc mother and narc elder sister were both extremely beautiful and fully entitled .. and more unfortunately I loved them.
@@MonirKhan-vt3ru hug, I completely understand… please know they are looking at us in admiration (another word for misplaced jealousy)
@@CarmelBun92so true 😅
I am terribly depressed
I have never really shaken that belief off. It's fueled eating disorders, drug and alcohol problems & a 'psychological addiction to exercise' I guess I was 35 (I'm now 47), when I questioned, really questioned why I seemingly was surrounded by so many crazy making narcissists, and on a whim, I went onto google, typed in that scenario, and then started to learn about myself and my family, and saw the truth.
Knowing my Dad has NPD, came as not much of a surprise, but everything else was a learning curve. Seeing the scapegoated role I occupied in my family, beginning to understand how it shaped my life.
Initially, I felt utterly dead inside, then I became angry, and wanted nothing else to do with any of my family.
Having got passed all of that, or at least most of it, my life is almost narcissist free....my Dad has dementia now, he's 81, wheelchair bound, the tyrant he was died a death 10 yrs ago, I can't mentally reconcile what he is now with the image of the raging monster I lived in fear of as a child....it really repulses me, the knowledge that all of those vicious, merciless verbal attacks from my Dad, the INTENSE atmosphere of threat....all that suffering - was to ease the conflict he felt inside himself.
God only knows what the future holds now, I'm still on that learning curve, maybe I will be for a long time yet which is why I'm here. Determined to try and help myself, and understand and ease my own inner conflict.
A narcissist free life is a must have from here on in , I really, don't ever want to be dragged into another narcissists war zone.
I want to learn how to be my own best friend, and remove the power and influence that narcissists voice in my head, still seems to have.
Lots of challenges, but I am willing to try.
As scapegoats, we are all on a learning curve. You sound like a Robertson I know in Ft. Wayne.
Hello. I've had/have BDD, past eating disorders...and, emotional abuse, incest, parentification, scapegoat. I am in recovery, healing. I am strong, This is a challenge. Thank you;-)
My husband has screamed at & belittled our son to the point where he feels terrible about himself. I'm trying to get out.
I'm praying to God and the Angels that you manage to get out asap, go go go... 🙏👣🏃♀️
It’s not always just ugly words and dramatic mannerisms sometimes the narcissist goes overboard with the praise to the kid too causing crazy confusion and conflict for children or spouse
I’ve had several plastic surgeries on my face and body. I was bullied at school for ky face and body when I would tell my mother she would say you are ugly. I had aunts uncles mock my appearance at family gatherings my mother never once defended me. Besides having an alcoholic father I had to deal with being physically ugjy. I am 45 years old and had an aunt recently tell me I look like a man at a birthday party. Not one person defended me.
Thats extremely abusive! Shame on them.
You need to go no contact with your entire dysfunctional family. It'll be difficult at first but you cannot develop healthy friendships while you're still mixing with your abusers. You'll be surprised how your relationships will change once you respect yourself by ending all contact with this family network of abusers. Don't be afraid to be alone for a while
🫂 It's not true and you don't deserve that.
Yes, my mother never defended me either. I got an insult from one of her friends in front of my mom. No defense from my mom. My older sister still loves to bully and insult me.
My mom said that she wished that she never had me. The physical neglect of my health issues is still shocking to me. So many people should never have children!
The best to you all!!!!
Keep surviving!!!!!
Well Jay, once again you nail it! My narcissistic father specifically worked on diminishing my sense of my physical self. Actually, everybody in the family ended up with some degree of eating disorder based on his attitudes about bodies. As the scapegoat I got picked on the most of course. He used to rage about how fat I was. When I look back at pictures from that age, I looked like a normal kid. I'm 61 now and I finally have the best relationship with my body that I've ever had. It has served me well and I'm thankful for it. It took years to get all the criticisms out of my head.
profound story!! ive learned that part of my body acceptance includes large tattoos to make the past painful memories more beautiful to me
This is so true. I’m nearly 60 and in recent years with my therapist I have been able to voice my belief that ‘I’m rotten to the core’. I’m no contact with my family of origin for the past 3 years and this helps me be with these challenging beliefs. Thank you for this very helpful video. Take care
Fiona...people like us are NOT ALONE anymore, as you knew before me! It used to be so lonely because I would randomly bring up a situation in an objective tone of voice/saying and would get some weird-assed disgusted look. I knew then I was dealing with a typical BULLYING golden child. Scapegoats, let's stick together on this one. It's us against the world! It is WHAT IS IT IS. THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE...DEMONIC ENTITIES
My life and age is ditto with yours. This helps tremendously to see it’s the same for others online, seems radical you don’t imagine others are living it, this text book history and play by play prediction of our lives is still denied by the narcissistic family.
Wow. Mind blown. I’ve had severe depression for over a decade and now I rarely rarely ever leave the house. I recently looked up body dysmorphia for my child’s school assignment and the reality is setting in that what I thought was agoraphobia and anxiety is most probably body dysmorphia. Watching this video, omg, so this is where the body dysmorphia, severe obsessive self hatred and utter disgust in myself comes from. I’m sad for myself that there’s yet again something freaking else I need with and feel like at 47 it’s too late, but knowledge is power and I’m so so grateful for this video
Erica Robinson. Thank you for your comment . I can relate. I never looked at it that way. It’s never too late to become your own best friend !
@@palominoshine7838 agreed❤️
“My mother must love me if she’s taking the time to give attn to me and tell me how much of a disgusting loser I am. Therefore, in order to believe my mother loves me and wouldn’t abandon me, I must also be a disgusting loser.
This comment just changed my entire life thank you
I was constantly called names by my family, especially my father. "water buffalo" "pig" "cow" etc.
When I was 40 I was at my father's house with my sisters and we were watching old family movies.
I was shocked when I saw myself at 5, 8, 10, 12 years old because I looked "normal". I was always tall for my age and was a larger build but I was not the "disgusting fat slob" that I felt like growing up.
I am the queen scapegoat.
this is very true...my narc mother ramped up her abuse the minute i had a minor cosmetic surgery and i've bee in hell since.....i also won't wear by good clothes when I have to go visit her out of fear of her envy. These parents are a true crime in humanity. These "mothers" place impossible moral burdens on their daughters and the constant heightened anxiety/fight/flight mode is murderous. I've been told MANY times I have body dysmorphic disorder....oh, and it's especially sick when your mother tells you she married your father because she wanted good looking kids...then you end up punished for the end result they strived for.
I can't thank you enough, projective identification has been my latest discovery.
Myself as well 😉
Same
Yes. "I'm physically disgusting." Perfect way to put the thought.
Pathogenic Beliefs. 💯. I had EXACTLY this belief as a kid. I remember telling myself in the mirror “You are as ugly as sin.” I clearly wasn’t/am not but I’d heard my mother using the expression and was impressed by its vividness. That memory has always puzzled me. I get it now. Wow. Thanks
This was great. This does apply to me -- on the nose. I still cannot bear to be photographed because my face wrinkles up in a very uncharacteristic way and the.photograph. does seem to corroborate that I am ugly as sin and.nobody "will ever want you." Etc.
In every family photo, I'm crying. My mother told me I was hideous and always spoiled their pictures. To this day I panic when a camera is aimed at me. I'm 69.
Wow. I had to look twice. I thought I wrote this. We must have had the same mother.
I've always hated to get my pictures taken because to me, I look like a bloated pitbull. I was told I was butt ugly by my toxic family and other toxic ppl in my life. I was told this all these years and believed it.
I suffered anorexia when I was younger and now that I'm close to 60 and went from being underweight to overweight because either I or my tormentors would deny me food and was told I wasn't worthy to eat.
I wish there was a way that I can look in the mirror and see a beauty queen. I've been told that I look great for my age by my support system ( family of choice) but I have a hard time believing them.
I really do have issues with face and body issues. Is there more out there like me? If so, let me know how you overcame your insecurities, I would like to hear from you. 😊
I have this syndrome too. My face would always wrinkle up in an ugly way when being photographed so i only saw pictures of myself in which i was ugly 10:12 . Only recently I realized I was actually beautiful from childhood on. I am now 81 years old. What a waste!
My mother did not scapegoat me. For all the damage she endured as a child, I understand that she loved her four children. I became scapegoated from the age of 15 when I met the boy I ended up marrying. His mother was a freak full of hate for me. She enlisted her twin daughters to pick on every move I made. In later years, with a mistress in tow, her golden child son whom I'd married launched a campaign of gaslighting to unhinge me, in the hope that I would kill myself or go mad. His mistress aided and abetted. Anyone scapegoating another can be a danger to life and he or she won't care if the scapegoat kills themselves. Weeping may happen but not for long. Put distance between yourself and a scapegoating spouse, partner, friend, boss, co-worker, parent or any other relative. I ran and after decades I am still horrified about what i managed to escape. If you are being scapegoated, remember that it's projection: what they call you, what they say about you, refers to themselves.
I'm glad you got out. You must be very brave and resourceful.
I was the scapegoated child, I never realised my mother was a narcissist until I watched your videos. Thank you.
Ptsd from this makes u neglect self care ie hygiene I belive I am disgusting now, ive lost all my talent and creativity and inspiration there is no joy watsover in my life. I've lost opportunities and left behind by my peers in all aspects now. I dont know wat to do?
Same here
maybe we're being tested!
I plan to keep learning and play the hand I've been dealt best I can.
We can start taking care of ourselves now.
You might also be clinically depressed. Please don’t give up on yourself. What you are describing sounds also like depression. Many things go hand in hand and depression does respond to treatment. Take care, you are worth it.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder - For sure. Great Video. Thanks.
My dad exploited every weakness and vulnerability in me and tried to destroy me "Thanks dad!" 😅 Still have trouble letting any guard down or let anyone get near me 😒
Oh my goodness… this was why I was always the “weirdo” who had to undress for gym in the bathroom! And I couldn’t change even around my girlfriends in high school~asking them to “turn around.” I could t figure it out~such a powerful force that I could not overcome it… it felt like a literal physical force where I had to cover myself even when there was a social cost for being the “weirdo” (even to my friends who would tease me about it, try to talk to me about why… they didn’t get it but neither did I)… caught wearing makeup by dad… called a Jezebel… looks blossomed 7th grade that’s when demon-possessed accusations and sexist slurs/insinuations began… so much was about my looks blossoming as a young kid. I’m still so shy but I’ve tried to work on it… and again all combined with religion-that demonizes women (especially) of looks… like it’s a terrible thing… like you’re a bad girl because of it
Utter rejection for existing, exactly. When I was 15, I concluded I shouldn't have been born. And when I told my father, he laughed at me and taunted me for it.
My 3?year old grandson already knows to hide his things from his mom bc if she’s in a mood those things will disappear or he whispers to me don’t tell mom. He’s 3 !!! Already doesn’t trust the person he should feel protected by the most!
I had a good relationship with my maternal grandmother (who my N mother hated) I think that that relationship cushioned some of the negative effects my mother had on me.
Healthy grandparents are priceless in this dynamic
I am actually pretty, however I can never be with anyone because I believe I am disgusting and no one wants to be with me because if my beliefs. Hence I start dating guys and ditch me because I think I an not pretty enough. You won't see me posting pics of me. I think I would never get married so I don't have to take wedding photos. Yes I run, eat healthy do láser treatments to. Be more attractive but doesn't make me ever feel good enough. Others see this insecurity
I may jumping the gun here but just occurred to me that.. if I stop blaming my self, if I break the chain system create an extreme fear. Because is no use to believe my family will change. But if I change i won't be of use for them any more. Won't change my life or wounds to be heal... but will confirmed all the years of hearing that I am unlovable, unworthy. Feel heartbreaking to realise yesterday I was a supply ... now I am not even that as I am sure they find another
Thank you for this comprehensive understanding, I relate so much. My mother trained my older sibling/s, to treat me like I was ugly, crazy, disgusting and horrible......I believe I have actually taken the shape of my beliefs and distortions. I am working hard to overcome a lifelong mindset that agreed with my oppressors, in order to survive.
I was obese as a child. Compulsive exerciser now.
This is the most insightful therapist I've every heard, including every one I've been to personally! He understands in intimate detail the child's ways of understanding and dealing with the problem of being unloved and un-cared for. I would recommend him to anyone, (I already have). He's the real deal!
I thought I was hideous and grossly overweight from age 13-36 and looking back I see pictures and i wish I could've appreciated me beauty at the time. These people completely distort reality and make you think you're nothing.
I am feeling afraid that no one is there for me and I'm afraid. When I ask for help it's either too costly for me right now or I get so dysregulated in trying to prove my value, that I'm neglecting things like taking care of myself. I'm afraid. I feel disgusting and like no one would want me. I'm afraid to date right now
It's been 2 years since I realised it's not me who is the 'problem' and I really don't think I will ever date again :(
Wow never heard anything about body.
I've been on my healing journey since 2013.
I'm in a great spot now.
One thing growing up with my NM. From birth, she told Me how ugly I was and I looked like a cow. I know she did this because she would set Me down and rage and rage how ugly I was. And slap the shit out of Me.
"You're an ugly cow."
I went no contact for many many years. She died.
And all us well.
All is well, me too
When I was very young (around 3-4 y/o) I gave everyone a nickname in our family. It unlcuded animals and my nickname was 'muispoes'. 'Muis' being mouse, and 'Poes' being cat.
When i was around 8, I got acne and got bullied for it as well (obviously). I also like choco (as in that pasta you smear on your bread) very much and so I had some overweight. (There are also many other factors why I was bullied, but these are the mail things where my mother hurt me badly with)
Idk what age I was, I was I think between the age of 9 and 12. Here started my self hate really, but I never really saw it as selfhate, as I thought it was normal to be treated like I was.
At a family gathering, some birthay or something (I can't recall) I was being my silly self and I was doing that thing where you change the first letters of the word with each other. (I.e. Mouse+Cat = Couse and Mas) In my language it would've been 'Moes' and 'Puis'. The thing about 'Puis' is that when you add a T (puisT) it means pimple. I said 'moes' and 'puis' and my mother immediatly 'T'. I would look at her dumbfounded and was like 'No. Puis. Just puis' And she would be like 'T'. I almost started crying bc she knew I was being bullied for my acne.
However, still between the age of 9-12, I was a little overweight for my height. My mother brought that up like 'Go stand on that scale'. And so I did, ofc. She said I weighted too much, and needed to lose 5kg at least. I, being naive as I was, thought 5kg was super crusial and I have never thought of my weight the same way. I still have troubles with it. (I didn't do anything, bc I was a child and my parents did the groseries so it was up to them to teach me how to eat healthy)
But being bullied as well, and my mother being bullied in her younger years and 'her experience being so bad she quitted school' I thought my bullying was less valid as hers AND that it was my fault for being bullied as she said 'It is in our genes. You just have to stop being so weak about it.'
I'm sorry for the chaos in this comment. I wanted to say everything at the same time, haha
But yeh, that are the things (that happened around 5-11 years ago) that I can recall immediatly and I only realised were fked up around 3 years ago...
I turned 18 in March, and I left my mother 3 weeks ago now. So I am trying to heal the damage of my 18y/o existence haha
I hope you are doing well and in a safe place. Or that you'll be safe asap!
You are valid and you deserve happiness
My mother used project vomit while looking at me... she used make sure to go to the bathroom while I was in the shower. I didn't have the choice of not open the door... so makes hard not to feel discusting. Also she was very verbal about how I was those things ( one of the daily occurrences)
I truly believe there’s no such thing as crime in the sense that a person is just a bad human being and kills and hurts others. I think scapegoating is the root cause for every human being that turns bad. There is so much pain and shame and rage pent up inside targets of this kind of abuse that when they grow up and get triggered by a noise or someone yelling at them I think they just snap and they lose control. I understand there’s no excuse but maybe there is and maybe some day parents who scapegoat their children will be held criminally responsible because I believe it is a crime. It is child abuse. It is violence. My heart just breaks for everyone who has had to endure this sickening dynamic. Severing ties with the family unit and going no contact truly is the only way to calm down the central nervous system in an effort to stop the triggers and then to recognize the triggers when they present themselves outside of the family of origin. It takes time, but a person can undo the damage and learn to recognize the triggers and also find the core, underlying incident which is creating the emotion or the sensation of anger or rage in one’s own body.
Great comment.
So very true.
Totally agree with you 😢 I was the scapegoat. Physically emotionally and psychologically abused till I no contact at 45. Now I'm 48 and still in therapy.
I felt pretty warped in my looks and even after working out and physically seeing me get bigger on the scale because of weight lifting I still felt I had the body of a kid and I am 6ft and have never felt 6 foot tall if that makes sense.
Absolutely! I developed a severe eating disorder at 10 yrs old. I have been battling bulimia and severe body dysmorphia for over 40 yrs. You are spot on with how scapegoats adapt and survive the narcissistic abuse. Thank you for sharing this knowledge with us. It's extremely validating for me, which is something I never received from my family EVER! Thank you!
So true. Even after working as fashion model I somewhere believe this. My mother didn't even respond to my invitation for her to visit a runway show. She just ignored the question all together.
Your videos are the most accurate description of my childhood out of everything I've studied in the last 10 years. And I've studied alot, basically a second career. Thank you.
***adopt beliefs that facilitate compliance**** heavy, heavy shit right there.... those adopted beliefs must have really been ingrained indelibly, as a child has no reason to seek moderation in his/her efforts to survive as a creature. The beliefs would be very firmly and intensely adopted, as the poor child's immature mind would have no clue about moderating the adoptions--all he would care about would be stopping the discomfort BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. This is heavy, heavy stuff right here. Jay Reid is a Comet of Clarity and Enlightenment. WHat makes this subject so poignant is that your abuser/the narcissist ALSO experienced abuse which ALSO forced that narc to adopt behaviors haphazardly as a child, and so on, backwards, to infinity, LIKE A SATANIC STEAMROLLER PLOWING DOWN THRU THE GENERATIONS AND DESTROYING EVERYONE IN ITS INTERGENERATIONAL PATH***
She used to say “something was wrong with me” and gen I started to believe that something was always wrong with me 🤷🏽
My disabled NP mother was relentless about pointing out all the ways my body was utterly disgusting and that no boy would ever want a girl like me. In hindsight, I think she did this, in part, to keep me close as her caregiver and prevent me from going out into the world and living my own life. A friend recently sent me an old photo and at first I didn't recognize the pretty young woman as myself. I am still puzzled by the disconnect between the photo and the overwhelming belief that I was a hideous beast. thanks Jay, this really rang true.
I really appreciate your videos. I find them helpful. I was a scapegoat in my narcissistic family system of 2 parents (1 narc, 1 enabler) and 5 children (2 golden, 2 scapegoats and 1 lost). I am now 2.5 years into my recovery which started when I was 52. I can't help feeling sad that I didn't come to this information about narcissistic abuse until later in life and after a lot of abuse from family, friends and romantic partners, but better late than never, right? I am working on living my best life, and I am proud to say that I am free of all narcissists and toxic people in general. Your videos are giving me some nuances that I didn't have before. Thank you!
I did not get this from my family of origin , unfortunately I came upon a narcissist with flying monkeys who abused my trust with outright deviousness and this was the effect. Thank you, yes they hated me for my good qualities and my appearance they constantly abused me imputing inappropriatness to me this was done to me as a group effort.
Truth found here.
If only I believed the Disney movies with evil maternal figures was real, and had seen it in my own, I could’ve taken better care to not be affected.
There's four in my family and none of us feel good about ourselves. The scapegoated eldest sister that poisoned Mom after leaving her the home, was the only one at her funeral. She was the executrix of her will. Everyone in this type family suffers. We are all trying to heal!
I was little, skinny, buck toothed, as well as too whiny, too sensitive, made mountains out of molehills....I am in therapy now and trying to change the voice in my head.
I am the Scapegoat (Black Sheep) and finally walked away from my Dad & StepMom and that side of the family and I have all the feelings you are talking about
The constant abuse and neglect from the malignant narcissist alcoholic ex I divorced has created
So much damage to my children including worthlessness OCD body image issues low self esteem drive and no ambitions or autonomy crippling social anxiety depression and c-ptsd
Learned helplessness
Wow....this was my Eureka moment. Thank you for this. It makes so much sense.
What if you develop an eating disorder due to this abuse? And end up ugly( self harm) excess skin)? Is this body dismorphic disorder? I guess so! My mother however focused so mich on beauty standards and thinnes!!and yes I’m the scapegoat and it’s too late for me after all of this self destruction. Can’tstop blaming mysef for it!
Are you overweight now as a result?
And I’m sorry to hear x
We’re all healing together x
anecdotally i can confirm myself and another i know to have body dysphoria and were children in narcissistically abusive homes
Wow this HIT HOME!
Oh my Gosh! This is me, Jay!! I was slated to go to college for gymnastics and regionalism. And, guess what? The head narcissistic mother and enabler father made sure this did NOT happen. In fact, the same parental system sabatoged law school for me as well.
Postive: I am 57 and figured out why my life was "missed..." Thank you for your videos! You have helped me immensely!
When I saw myself on video for the first time around 10 years ago (early 40s) my immediate response was "oh I'm not hideous!". I wasn't just meaning physically/aesthetically, but really I meant in every sense, on every level, essentially a hideous, vile example of a human being inside and out. For years many have used positive words like 'lovely' and with 'gentle calm nature' to describe me yet it clearly didn't even dent the surface of how I saw myself!! You are a godsend Jay!! 🙏💕 Love and hugs to you and everyone affected in this group. May we all see ourselves and each other clearly!
Yes! Projecting / relocating their own worthlessness onto the child. That's it. Thank you for this video.
Reading these comments has my heart aching for the pain you all have endured. I too have struggled with body dysmorphia and it's a terrible mind battle. The truth is, we are all wonderfully and fearfully made by our Creator❤ Psalm 139:14
What He has made is good. Genesis 1:26-31
May you all receive His best and rest in His loving care❤
John 3:16-17
Just finding this video in 2024 - thank you Jay, this explains so much about my own issues with image. I never thought that I was 'disgusting' but I thought I was less attractive than I actually was. I didn't realize I was attractive until I was about 25, all through my teens I just thought I was invisible. I didn't date until my mid 20s and I felt so awkward - as if I just got my body lol. The emotional damage and issue around intimacy are things I am still working on in my 30s. This is something that needs to be discussed more.
I got a call from my very aging narcissist parent tonite who was shame shedding onto me, because the handyman looking at the furnace at my parents house, KNEW my brother and I. I was the BLACK SHEEP my late brother was the scapegoat. He didnt even know the two golden children (my sisters) She was EXTREMELY UPSET AND I THINK ASHAMED. I got off the phone as fast as I could, but that shame and disgusting and shame embarressment of the two gross disgusting people from my family. was intense. My late brother and I. Granted this guy knew me and my brother in the early 80's!!! lol Its so insane. I am glad to have found this channel tonite!
The antidote? I am enough! I was always enough!
I had a therapist tell me that I had that. I was the scape goat. My mom who I believe is a narc told me I was fat and gaining weight ever since I was 10 years old. I wasn't anywhere near fat. For all of my life I really truly did believe her and I thought I was ugly when I wasn't. I really wish I didn't have to live all of my childhood and young adult years like this because I can see in previous pictures that I was a healthy weight and was beautiful. It really did make relationships difficult for me.
This resonates with me. My father told me I was getting fat when I was sixteen years old. I was under 5’5” and weighted 108 lbs. in my twenties I got down to 100 lbs and when I married I weighed 97 lbs. I thought I was fat. Now I weight 120 lbs and accept myself. I see how abusive my Narc father was.
Dr. Reid,
I do not know if content creators read the comments to comments so I'll explain that I read and replied to a comment that mentioned the fact that no matter how much a person is scapegoated, they keep trying to please the perpetrator more and more and do better and better really to no avail. What popped into my head was the concept of "cognitive dissonance" and I expressed this by explaining how I have learned to understand it to mean that the harder we work for something the more we love it or we love most what we work hardest for even when it's not necessarily good for us. I'm wondering and I'll take liberties to ask you if you can pick up the ball on that one and feeling anything that may be overlooked here in terms of cognitive dissonance cuz I think it's a little bit of a hard concept to understand maybe because of what it's called clinically. Lol
I'm new here but this is really fabulous lot of teachable moments for me!
Merry Christmas everybody
I had extreme body dysmorphic disorder as a teenager. It was to the point of social debilitation. I would not go anywhere or socialize because I felt like the most hideous person in the world. It was to the point that I considered unlifing myself because I felt like I would never find someone to love me.
It was one of the most awful periods of my life.
I’m a 49 year old man.
I was that kid! Physical and emotional abused.
I haven’t spoken to my mother for 25 years,my father for 10 years.I challenged him on why he enabled this.He said I should have been able to look out for myself.
I am damaged I know,but I am
happy today,I think.
If either died tonight I really don’t think I’d feel anything.
Messed up eh?
Yeah, THEY are messed up, but not you. If my NPD "father" would die I could easily go to a cinema to see a comedy.
I remember the following, like it was yesterday:
I was going through one of my nascent premenstrual hormonal storms when I was about 10 ½.
I was morose and weeping.
My narcissistic father had a fleeting moment of sympathy and let me sit with him in his recliner.
I felt gratified to be comforted and made to feel safe and so I continued holding my prepubescent pity party for one-ME.
Instead of holding space for me-and in very short order-Dad quickly became deeply impatient and irritated with my sad little self.
With a sound of disgust and anger, he shoved me off, stood up, and departed the room.
On the floor now, I began to cry even harder and thought-for what might've been the very first time and certainly not the last-"I am physically disgusting." 😞
I am the most successful, accomplished person in my family. My family still views me as a messed up teenager. I wasnt messed up, i was abused and i fought back
Me too🎉
Me (10 year old slim/boy). Dad( 6ft 4in athlete). " Dad, were you skinny when you were a boy?". Yes but not as skinny as you
"Pathological projective identification" interesting Thanks
Thank you, your explanations are spot on with what I have experienced so I've subscribed!
This totally resonates. My anorexic/bulimic narc mother put me on slimming pills at 14. I'm 70 now and thin but still have body dysmorphia. For years I thought I was revoting. When I look at photos of my younger self I see now how lovely enough I was. She hated her own body and was crazy jealous of me. I internalized her projections from age 8 when I started seeing myself as fat. Made worse by her locking sweets away and then dishing them out when the mood took her. I began eating compulsively and have worked very hard to overcome food obsession.
Ow crushingly accurate. I was constantly told i resembled my mother. Is that what is meant by projective identification. While also being mocked for my whatever, reinforced by physical violence. I have that dysmorphia
I've never heard anyone talk about this. I was the family scapegoat. I was (and still am) overweight. That's exactly how I felt (and was made to feel)
I really appreciate you going indepth on these topics. You have a vast knowledge on this topic and go in depth while I find other channels just graze the surface. Thank you so much 💓