1. Gut feeling - something doesn't add up about their behavior, bad feeling 2. Martyr story - misunderstood by the world, victim mentality, constantly want your empathy 3. Everything is always your fault - their bad mood, anything that goes wrong between you 4. Petty conflicts - and the moment you notice, they blow and make a huge problem out of it (and keep bringing it up) 5. They believe they are special and unique, "higher than thou" - even when the world proves them wrong 6. They don't really listen - trying to find your weaknesses to manipulate later, if not found they move on 7. They try and make you react - cant and mouse game, push and twist your personal boundaries 8. Everything is conditional - never just unless they can manipulate 9. Ultimate hypocrite - always criticizing, judgy, but don't follow their own advice - these rules don't apply to them 10. Obsessed with their big role in the world - try to bring you into their reality (which has very little to do with reality)
Great 'round-up' which applies to you, me and all lovely souls caught in this mad web. Nothing special or unique or worthy about about list of personality traits and behaviour! They are delusional!
The watching of me being upset was key for my husband. He continually threatened to leave me, I did everything he asked and he left anyway. Wasted 23 years of my life. Don’t let it happen to you!
They also deflect constantly, especially when they are caught “red handed.”. If you point it out, even with evidence, they find a way to spend things away from them.
the mosteffective way to stop thinking about a person, is to date another person, and have new friends that are unrelated..... Doing hits within a few months you are detached and healthy but if you stay ruminating in their area and circle of influence, you may stay stuck for years without any chance of getting away
Yep, usually when they are deflecting, they are typically blaming it on you in some way shape or form...even if it is obvious. Some of them are very adaptive liars, too.
Sometimes, they don't even bother spinning things away from them. They don't care if they're caught! They just don't respond. Or if they do respond, it's with a "No I didn't" or "No,.. that's not what I told you".
@@runnindownadream8106 Yeah, I've been un-wise enough to try and give them a taste of their own medicine...it never goes well. They just tried to give it right back to me as if they were giving me an eye for an eye and/or that I instigated it. Ugh!
Yesssss....the ultimate hypocrite ...they will shame you and treat you like garbage then go to church and act holier than thow.....so true thank you for such a great video..
ya die Freeletcics arschlöcher haben genau das mit mir gemacht, Brain washing, Fred destruction daily Fuckupening, und ich sollte auch noch happy damit sein mit diesen Arschlöchern. habe dene nix getan und die haben mich straight in die nächsten Runden Depressionen geschickt Da wäre ich in Frankreich in einer Sportgruppe besser aufgehoben gewesen...... Scheiss Wichser sind das - Sorry keine andere Meinung darüber
The two main things that stood out for me with the coverts I've known were: a) they were constantly secretly bad-mouthing pretty much everyone they know, and/or b) with great "care" and "worry" for you they point out things you should "improve" about yourself, treating you like a semi-idiot all the time, with a smile. Also there's the classic (in the UK at least), "are you alright??" - said completely out of the blue, when you feel absolutely fine, on occasions where they should have just said good morning. Crazy stuff.
Yep brings me back to flashbacks of sitting on my parents porch to get away from them and I would be minding my business they would come outside and ask are you alright? I started pulling the rock method and told them I was fine because if I told them what was going on it would feed the drama they seek
OMG! Very good observation. My Narc wife says sometimes (completely out of the blue) 'are you alright?' Like they give a crap. Meanwhile on the rare occasion when I am sick she never once asks are you alright? So weird.
To me, the most strong signs were. 1) A total lack of empathy, as If I was talking to a robot. 2) 2 fits of narcissistic rage after petty ctiticism or even suspicion of upcoming criticism.
And you cannot stop researching. It’s one Aha moment after another. Narc research then changes to Narc abuse recovery research and therapy. The gift that keeps on giving. Should be laws against their abuse.
Another strong sign is that they get you to commit to them on a level that is important to you, they hook you in subtle ways by playing on your sympathy or tapping into an ability that you have. You mentioned this but in the beginning they will try different ways to see what works best. They test you, and anyone who tests someone instead of just getting to know you by asking questions in a normal way is up to no good. Great video, thank you! This has reminded me how far I've come. 🙂💗
Excellent point! The testing part (to get a reaction instead of simply asking)... such an excellent point👍. I was trying to explain this to a friend of mine the other day what I had recently experienced & couldn't really express the point that I was trying to make.
Yes they do test you absolutely right. Yes a 'test' is not someone interacting with you on a level. A narc once said to me he tests people. Its to see how/whether they can manipulate you and what information they can gain.
Narcissists teach you how to live without them. Narcissists teach you to live alone... Even though the whole process is extremely draining and challenging, you emerge stronger. Once u identify the person as narc, it becomes easier. Stay strong everyone 💗🙏💜
There was a covert narcissist at work who would hijack conversations, be fake nice with everyone, create unnecessary drama and division, spread rumors and gossip to undermine people's work ethic, and she was a sophisticated gaslighter. Fortunately, she moved after finding a different position. It was the happiest day of my work life!! I always saw straight through her, so I just kept my guard up at all times unbeknownst to her. Good riddance.
A small problem becomes a big problem when someone is dirty and lacks hygiene and you bring up how important it is to you and they don't do anything about it. The more you share what you need the more they don't do it. Than I react and get upset and they focus on my upset and say I need therapy. I'm so glad it's over.
One year with my Covert Narcissist/Dismissive Avoidant: MONTH one : Great MONTH two : Greater MONTH three : Fabulous (heavy love bombing starts...) MONTH four : Heaven (I love you...) MONTH five : Seventh heaven... MONTH six : Mask starts to come off (devaluing starts...) MONTH seven : full devalue/dismissive behavior, refusal to talk about issues by ignoring... MONTH eight : distancing/lying begins (gaslighting also)... MONTH nine : lying clearly shows... MONTH ten : Frustration sets in... MONTH eleven : Everything is my fault... MONTH twelve : I left her for good, NO contact at all, PERIOD MONTH thirteen : MONTH fourteen : Her; closure letter mailed to me. Me; Still NO contact, too late for her, DO NOT RESPOND.
I had exactly the same with a CN+DA type, and it's shortened in 4 month, but exactly the same process. And he dumped me first when I tried to bring it up and talk, but of course it was my fault for doubting him 🤷🏻♂️
Yup, they never show care or acknowledgement of your feelings or perspective... and often they will tell you what your reasons or feelings are from their own delusional mind. Put words in your mouth, go to drastic or extreme reactions when you are expressing yourself during a disagreement, play the victim and never open up honestly about their true feelings, use sarcasm to deflect from having a true resolution of an issue etc. etc. etc. totally absurd! After losing your mind so many times over 28 years, friends telling you that you’ve lost the spark you used to have... takes a toll.
We have to be very careful too that we’re not dealing with a target/survivor of narcissistic/psychopathic abuse... since they may present with a story/stories of what they have survived at the hands of a spouse/friends/family members. Not using good discernment and clearly understanding this type of abuse could also vilify a victim. Many times empaths and HSPs have been targeted throughout their lives by different narcs and often repeatedly. So, just because someone tells sad stories of their past and victimization, it doesn’t make them a covert. They could actually be a narcissist magnet.
God tells us to test the spirits.. CHARACTER. and also should own the part they had to play in the situation. Even tho they were narcissist. We also have a part to play some blame to take. And if they admit this then most likely they will be a safe person.. MAYBE 🙏😑
@@surrenderedlife1014 we have to try to be aware if they are telling us what we want to hear, if they are flattering us. i think they look for people who want external validation. myself included
But after all these years of abuse and ignoring the initial red flags, I’m more than sure I can tell the difference between a sob story and a sob story. U know..
Really excellent points. I really like how you said they want to get you out of your body and into their narrative, like only their story matters. Thank you
Another sign to recognize about the Covert Narcissist is the “Jekyll-Hyde” disguise. In public and around outsiders, everyone strictly sees the charming, friendly, entertaining “Jekyll,” whereas behind closed doors I would hardly ever see “Jekyll.” I typically and constantly got exposed to the “Emotional Energy Vampire....”Miss Hyde.” When I tell others about it; they find it incredible. I often ended up not being believed, and left questioning my experience with great uncertainty on my part (...am I crazy). They are superb chameleons in public and when under scrutiny, even with professional counselors and therapist.
Same situation like you! That’s why one end up all crazy 😝 Their ability to convince others of their “kind” “Loving” nature is all a front. Because they’re not cohabitants, they have no idea of the “Jekyll” they also are. Don’t you wish you could bring them to justice for all the damage they left behind them?? But is important to know that they are catalyst for us to work on issues of codependency and childhood I Un healed wounds. Thats why we attract them in the first place. The best we can do is to let them completely go and go zero contact and focus on ourselves. They are not worth a tear or a penny.
I see your need to express your feelings, D Kirk. And you are right. It is heartbreaking, when they present themselves in society differently than when they are alone with you, and no one believes you. (Even my mother didn't believe me, she was on her side, until the ex narc f*** our whole family). But what you are describing, is not the covert narcissist. Charming in society, yes. But entertaining? Huge NO. Covert narcissists are never in the front line. I am saying this, because coverts are so hard to spot in those kinds of situations.
Art of MGHOW; I lived with one for 32 years. She was not flamboyant or anything, except in a very a social setting after drinking alcohol; she would then do things in public that was unbecoming of a woman who had her so called act together (an illusion). As a matter of fact, no one believed what she was doing behind closed doors when I shared my story. In public she is charming and friendly. She consistently appeares to be a person you would want to hang out with on a routine basis. When I first met her she told me a sob story at the beginning to draw me in. She plays the woe is me card all the time. (I do believe she is also dealing with some type of Comorbidity issue, as well. She was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD in her youth; not treated. She was traumatized be her angry mom as a child.) She does expect everything to center on her; not in a open, or overt and obvious way. She protects her public image with a vengeance, especially when I would call attention to her behavior. She puts on a solid spiritual image at times, which can be misleading. The friendly nature she portrays in public keeps everyone from seeing whats beneath. Therapist and counselors are not able to see beneath her mask she wears. They saw her as friendly; I would be left hanging, as if I was crazy and created false stories about her behavior (This was maddening for me; no one believing me, not even the so called professionals could see what I saw and experienced with her.). She played the silent treatment card all the time on me and the typical social norm rules do not apply to her, she breaks them, but expects others to abide. She is brilliant at the art of triangulation. So does this then make her an overt narcissist? All my so called friends, relatives and so on do not see her true nature at all. If she is an overt narcissist, then why am I the only one who sees it, no one else does? They do not see what I saw or experienced when I’m alone with her. Everyone is drawn to her friendly disposition. For years they believed I was making things up about her darker nature that I experienced on a routine basis. She has no empathy whatsoever, except when she fakes it for a purpose and its to her advantage. She would just do things to me to start an argument; when I would react finally, she would stare at me and go silent. She would promise to stop a behavior, and then do it over again and again. (She only stopped temporarily when my decision on a matter was going to jeopardize her directly, then she would treat me nicely for a spell.) She would build me up, devalue me, and then discard me in some way. This was a routine of hers. She would do this in public also, but no one would notice. (Gaslighting is one of her favorite tools she used on me, along with the silent treatment.) When I tried to tell others about her actions, no one believed me. I could not figure out why they could not see the darker aspects of her. She can be quiet charming, alluring an entertaining in a social setting. In social settings her rages never appeared; they only appeared behind closed doors. I read a book about “The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza. I know its confusing. I’m tired of it all.
@@risingeagle6332 Hey. Thanks for your reply. I feel you. I hope I haven't hurt you in any way with my previous comment. It actually isn't so important whether she is overt or covert. There is probably a thin line between those, and there are certainly many possible combinations between the two. The most hurtful thing is, that no one believed you. I know how it feels, man. You must be heart broken. No one believed me too. She spent some time with my mother alone. And my mom never believed me, when I said that she is manipulating with her, and that she was totally different with me. I didn't believe my self either. I was so confused (still am) about what was going on. Mine was more silent type. Her aggression was more subtle. She had raging outbursts. But not so often. She was a typical martyr. Everything was wrong. She was a poor little thing. And I bought it for many years. Comforting her to the extreme. Doing wathever she wanted and nothing satisfied her. She always reminded me of the image of the Princess and the pea. That was exactly her. I don't remember the story. But the character was her. This woman destroyed my life almost to the core. But now it is a few years after the break up. And I am finding out that she was not the only one. All women except probably two or three in my life were treating me poorly. And women were not the only problem. But they were a very huge one. I mean, I don't blame them for everything. I think it was half-half. My fault, their fault. I wasn't aware of what was going on. I needed to fall on my knees to start my recovery from everything. Now I am cleaning all aspects of my life. All relationships. Even to my self. This one is the most important one anyways, I think. Best of luck, man.
@@mosan-wa8990 never take a narcissist, to court or report a narcissist to the police, you will look , sound stupid and crazy to them, even at the therapy they wont believe you, they will belive the narcissist of which eventually you'll be charged and being forced to pay court charges .it had happened to me two times, right now im paying court charges and the charges of the narcissist lawyer which is almost 5000 €. Best is to run 🏃🏿♀️ go no contact and never let them know where you're living. .
Another huge sign is early triangulation!!!! they mention things about others like random and harmless comments - what they do is plant a seed of jealousy early on. the ex, this name, that one, all "randomly" in the most "meaningless" ways. They drop these hints that make even someone who is not usually jelous become insecure and wonder about that "meaningless" harem. And besides, usually they DO have others around to your replacement from the start. It's so ridiculously sad.
Ohhh you're so right!! If it's not a romantic partner they just subtly bad-mouth everyone - but with a partner, yes, "innocently" mentioning other women, exes, etc.
A quick summary: A feeling you have (your intuition) Pay attention. They want you to evoke empathy (to their sad story). Sympathy!!! (more of THEIR sad story). It is always your fault (they project onto you). They make you feel extremely special (idealization) - they lure/manipulate you. They withdraw (devaluation/discard). They are special - higher calling (in their mind). They don’t listen to you - they are studying you. They create situations intended to get you to react (fuel/supply). Everything is conditional (void of true intimacy). Ultimate hypocrite (professes greatness or righteousness). Obsessed with the big picture (as they see it) fake picture. Thank you! Great vid - well said and done!!
"Not listening but studying" is so accurate. He seemed so intense but looking back it was working out what made me tick. The sob story was well done in my case, he didn't display an outright victim approach as I was alert for that behaviour. He would just highlight a tough childhood or how an ex behaved. Very devious and manipulative.
Omgggggg thank you so so so so very much. Everything on this list hit home, except #5 which I feel would've revealed itself a with more time. I literally screamed at the end. Thank you. I was able to pull myself out after about 6 months after he told me he never thought about needing to change anything about himself. That was the ultimate red flag. I left after that and thank god I didn't look back.
This is such a great and helpful video. I just ghosted a former colleague/acquaintance of mine after understanding that he is a covert narcissist who had chosen me as his next target. I had been ignoring the red flags. Luckily, he was so clumsy at his attempts to draw me in that I never swallowed the bait. I was ok with the very superficial relationship we had, then he decided I was his new bestie. I'm currently working with a coach, so I could discuss his behaviour with a trained professional. Otherwise I might still think that he's just a weirdo. Covert narcissists are incredibly dangerous. Another problem is that most of us want to get on with people, we want to have good relationships and sometimes we go too far in our attempt to make things work. And sometimes we are too tolerant of obviously anti-social behaviour.
The first thing you mentioned resignatted with me. First thing- I had been working two full-time jobs and I was saving for my own house before I met him however, well I met him.. and within a month we are moving in. In the back of my head I thought wow so fast but went along with it... My intuition kicked in high gear and I did not listen to it.. I should have. As I was moving in was in the kitchen I'm packing dishes and I would randomly stop and grab my gut I even told him to stop let's leave I had a very uneasy feeling.. I was vomiting in the kitchen sink and not move,..at first I thought it was because I was moving out-of-town away from everybody and anxiety was up but something in the back of my head said something wasn't right with this man. He made himself so good and he was a victim of being cheated on by multiple woman in his relationships , so I was hell bent to show him I was better than they and never cheated on anyone.. little did I know 4 months after living together in the house that I paid for by working so hard I got a call from a woman who claimed that I had her husband and my house!!! I responded in shock..and I moved out... After his divorce was final we got back together moved back in it , you was in such a rush that he even unpacked my belongings from my storage while I was at work and moved it into the house without even consenting with me..I married him and found out after 3years I didn't know this man and I didn't know myself either. My identity has been stripped from me I am not to carefree happy person I once was I feel like my identity, my life my purpose has been stolen. Divorce is scheduled for October 24th and I got a TPO on him for now. I urge every woman to please please listen to your instincts. I is a vital tool that can save you from evil....I will always listen to my instincts from now on.
Thank you for sharing me too felt it in my gots from the get go I questioned everything he said within myself and came up with the right answers every single time but I so ignored the truth and that is probably what hurts me the most that I was capable to go against my own got feelings despite the waweing red flags 2 years in hell good God I let him brake my spirit until the day that I no longer could keep up the illusion
Hi Ewa! Thank you for yet another wonderful video. I am 6+ months no contact with my ex, your videos were of great support in getting me out of an awful situation, so thank you from my heart for this channel!
Thank you for your dedication in helping us to heal from this sick and evil form of abuse. I've listened to a lot of other youtubers but appreciate your perspective with combining your knowledge with science.
Ewa thank you for your channel. Channels like yours have given me courage to start my own youtube channel about these narcissists. I have decades of experience studying and working with them. However, a close personal relationships one revealed just how dangerous they can be. Recognize red flags early and get away from these entities. Stay safe everyone.
I went through all of these points with my ex wife (during 18 years relationship). But most of them she uncovered after I found out she was cheating me. Outward she looks like the sweatest girl of the word. Healing from cognitive disonans took me more then 2 years (through depression, anxienty and real hell). Pure no contact is impossible, because of kids. You, Ewa, was first who showed me what I deal with. You validated my feelings. I think you saved me, and gave me a hope for better future. Thank you. You are great person.
Damian Chojnowski I was married to one for 3 years that felt like 30 years. I cannot imagine 18 years!! Uff you are truly a survivor. In those three years I went through so much hell. From testing, diminishment, discards and hovering back, gaslighting and of course at the beginning was all praising and constantly idolization. They pull the very worst out of you. Thank God I didn’t do anything when I saw her in bed with her new supply. Like with me she push the marriage quickly with her new supply. They live in a total different reality. This one claim to be a warrior of god who had come to murder spirits of the darkness.😂 totally delusional.
20 yrs of marriage and she has expertly used the children to keep me guilted to her. She wants half of assetts of course yet has never come close to working for it. Took me 16 yrs to start questioning and I finally see her cunningness.
Damian Chojnowski thank you for your message I was manipulated for 13 years before I woke up. Super hard to get thru the last two years. I also have one child with her. So. Strange to come to terms with such an empty person, thank god I am free. And not alone.
I've been married 33 years to one hell of a CN. Aways thought he had Attachment Issues. I've come through the darkest depression, left with anxiety when he puts key in door. Desperate to get out and away but grown up children see great Dad who stayed with sick Mum. Rubbished my Nursing career, then my career as a Psychotherapist (not one day did I leave for training or work without his guilt weighing me down). Perhaps my career hindered me as always though it was Attachment issues, then Autism and I recognised abused people, but not me. Now seen his colours he CONSTANTLY criticises, called me "a lunatic", disparages me, goes into rages. Im voice taping him. Never interested in me or my dreams, or wanting to seem face light up with happiness. My children have never once not shown me unconditional love; so hard for them losing a capable present Mum. AND JUST now I hate him. Kindness is ONE THING I won't let him take from me. Determined. Forgiving myself for not seeing this, desperate to go to heal, so concerned about how to do this and not lose my now adult childrens love. and the only way I can bear not to 'hurt' him' is to hold onto the fact that he doesn't feel empathy. Not the same for him.
@@evie7738 my concern is very close to yours...I can not figure out how to keep children from going off the deep end. Too young for me to escape the control of this woman. She knows how to keep me at arm's length and constantly off balance. Oh the emotional outrage if I ever try to question what is going on... Pain every single damn day.
Go you!!! I'm getting there and when I read about others on the other side it gives me hope. There is a sense of relief and peace from survivors. Freedom!
Thank you Eva, great video and very close to my experience of the covert narcissist. You should link this to the videos you have made on NLP techniques used by narcs. The idea of being drawn into a story is really accurate. My experience was of a man who told me how he had been neglected as a child, this wounded soul, of course I fell for it. I think the “observe don’t absorb” technique, developed to ninja level, s becoming de rigeur in our modern culture. Thank you for educating us!
I find it funny how everytime I crawl out one hole I fall in another. My life was pretty messy before she came into my life, when i got over everything bad and moved on from it all which took a few years, then that snake came into mylife. It feels like I've been punished for getting over my past and moving on.
From what I've learned about being targeted by a Narc is that until we truly heal our own emotional wounds we will continue to attract and be attracted to these toxic types....so I'm wondering if you have truly "got over everything bad and moved on" when you are still be targeted and allowing yourself to be targeted by these types...hope the best for you going forward.
“That snake” I love this. My mother is a covert narc and all the boyfriends I had were, It took many years for me to recognize it all in my own mother. And what is really interesting is that I had a snake phobia and recurring nightmares with snakes until I started to see my mother for who she was, go no contact and heal from the abuse I suffered from her. Snake phobia and nightmares are gone. So much for the snakes!:)
Be in you body. Listen and trust your intuition. The first time you meet anyone. That is the clue. Both my exes completely turned me off the very first time I met them and they are covert narcissist capricorns. Yuck. (That was my feeling...yuck). But their fake charisma and fake shyness got me. Yuck. Self love and self work (identifying my triggers and resolving is key to elevating).
Very nice clues listed here for the covert narc. I have noticed also that the covert can switch to overt characteristics and vice versa, under the right circumstance. Should a covert be getting enough admiration and ego fuel from enough people, a grandiose overt narcissist appears. the reverse can happen too, should the attention seeking suddenly be noticed as a negative characteristic by esteemed respected others. I am not a fan personally of drawing the parallel between those with NPD and predators: for me, this gives them too much credit and plays into their preferred power tactic of using fear. I have also heard the comparison with them and children: the opposite problem lies here: it underestimates the level of their sickness. To me they will always only be like one thing: undead zombies, sucking the life, energy and emotion out of anything they can find tasty enough to them. Pity is wasted upon them, for they are already dead to the world, they can add nothing positive to it and might as well be in their graves: they just don't realize it yet.. Nothing can be done to help them by the free will of others. Only through circumstancial accident is any change possible. And mostly, it doesn't last.
So well said. They can definitely turn from overt to covert and vice versa. And comparing them to children indeed underestimates their sickness. I'll slightly disagree with what you said about the parallel between NPDs and predators - this is a spectrum, and as such we just don't know how far on the spectrum they are. This IS the predator / malice spectrum and if we have no fear we're underestimating again.
Really interesting comment about switching from covert to overt. You are absolutely spot on. And, OMG, does my narcissistic husband panic and rush to apologise to those he upsets outside the door! Straight back to covert coverup of his true self.
Hi Ewa. Enjoy watching your videos. I have been in a 1-year-long relationship with a covert narcissist. Not long, I know, but I've been through more than I could ever imagine at the start. I am still figuring out facts as it was a complicated game to play. I believed things he said although they were all making no sense, and my gut feeling was the strongest sign of the fact that I was in the wrong place. S part of me was shouting 'run' but there was also this other part of me just not wanting to go, wanting to believe that I wasn't wasting my time. There's something about those people that is very addictive. It's still a fresh wound. After trying to leave many times, I finally managed to, but it's a matter of days only. I felt a great relief at first when he agreed to go, but now there's this feeling of emptiness and emotional pain. It's so sad knowing you loved a person that wasn't real... very painful. I remember you mentioning in one of your videos moving to England and going to study. Thought we could perhaps meet up one day if you are close to Wiltshire. I think I found your email address that you made public knowledge before but can't find it again. Up to you, it's just an idea. Kind regards, Ella (pochodze z Polski :) )
I've been thinking what is so addictive about them. I think it's the initial love-bombing, followed by its withdrawal. Plus, they make no sense, and the human brain has a need to make sense of things (that's how our species survived). So we stay to get the love-bombing back and to make sense of them (just a hypothesis!). It's very painful indeed.
It’s the peptide addiction that makes it really hard to leave them. Even when you go no contact the body keeps claiming its dose. That’s why they are consider energy vampires. To overcome the peptide addiction is a nightmare. As the body claims the chemicals, the mind continues to ruminate about all the nasty emotional abuse they inflicted on us. Some people has claimed that is more difficult to get out of the peptide addiction than heroin. (Obviously those who had been addicted to) not my case but I can tell you that it was a nightmare. I had to quit one of my two jobs. I want it to end so bad that had suicidal thoughts. But self love and prayers kept me going. The key is to know that this vampires have a great radar to prey on people who have unresolved childhood issues. They are experts at sensing that there is a void that they can use to manipulate and play their nasty games. Once you work on reprogramming the subconscious mind that was programmed wrongfully in the 0-7 years of our life. No longer we will be a prey of this ugly vampires.
Oftentimes with coverts, they won't voice their opinions where it's necessary. Like they'll keep saying other's opinions or what someone else said or did to them and they get you to say the bad thing, oftentimes the obvious thing. The really bad ones will get you to say something bad about someone who is bugging the Narc, and then they go tell that person what you said and the Narc benefits by remaining innocent and hurting two people at once who can't call them out. So, if someone complains about their friend, lover, or boss, etc, ask them questions like "Why do you think they said that to you?" and "What is your next step" or "What did you say in response to them?" If you make people in your life accountable for what they say and how they feel, you can have a much deeper connection with them in general and it will push away the Narcs. Anyone who has suffered from others wants to take that pain away from people they like. I've had the most issues who people who I've empathized with a lot, and helped a lot, and was very protective of.
Or you later find out that they actually don't have their own thoughts... Everything they say, is actually regurgitated from somebody else. I discovered my ex narc friend was simply passing perspectives and viewpoints between persons A to B to C. It ook me a while to recognise that topics only occurred every once in a while, like in a cycle. I soon worked out that it was because she was fractionating friendships with 3 or 4 different guys and was simply just repeating intelligent stuff from each of them.
Very well defined and explained, Ewa! TYSM! There is a comfortable level of compassion and well-needed validation in your presentation! Very relatable. Thank you for all the information and clarification! I won't go into my own narc trauma horror history. They are all the same since all narcs operate from the same narc handbook and all the manipulative, depraved, twisted and psychotic signs, tactics and behaviors... and our nightmare experiences are the same! Only some of the details vary! Narc abuse is Narc abuse otherwise! How addicted they were to abusing us and how addicted they got us to take it... Brainwashing, Gaslighting, Projection, The Cycle of Abuse repeatedly...Trauma bonding. I am 2 years NC finally from Narc FOO! And out of all "romance" narc relationships as well. YT has sure got it's Narc support channels and support groups. Gets better as I go. The only thing I wish is that we ALL had this education earlier! Thank YOU, Ewa! Glad I now met you! Love and Validation!
I'm a covert narcissist who is currently in therapy and I actually knew I was a narc for a long time before reaching out, the only reason I searched help was because the depression got to bad. I constantly felt that people didn't appreciate how great I was at everything, and eventually it got so bad I just wanted to stay inside all the time. Now that I got professional help I finally realize that I don't need my "narcissistic supply", or at least not as much as I thought before. My recovery is far from over though, just yesterday at the gym I almost passed out when I saw how good I looked in the mirror which is kind of funny, I don't think I will ever get rid of the grandiosity but I'm learning to make life easier for those around me.
Aiden Mc Laren,wow congrats on this journey.I want to help a friend right now that I believe is a narcissist how can I go about it not hurting his feelings? Any advice would be much appreciated.Thank you in advance 🙏🍀
Good to know. I think some narcissists work on it. They still scare the heck out of me, even when I meet one who I think tries to deal with it as best they can, because of all the abuse by other ones. Do you ever feel that some people won't trust you because they know you're a narc? Are you sure you're not borderline or any of the other Cluster B ones? I mean, they can sort of intertwine, with one predominant condition and another secondary one. Do you still devalue sick people, like someone with a chronic cough? Would that still spark you into deval mode?
This is awesome. Thank you. He ticked 80% of them. OMG what I find is these type of people are truly bloody exhausting. It's like they suck the energy and good from you spiritually and mentally. Unfortunately for my ex I had harder shit in my life when I was a kid. So his motive for breaking me completely didn't work. I'm still standing BITCH! Slowly moving forward with life. It's called resilience. Had it before him and will have it after him. Life can only get better when you break from these type of people. Seriously it becomes boring after a while. I got better shit to do with my life thanks. Thank you for sharing and creating more knowledge and validation. It's awesome and what you need when you're recovering.
I think it’s important to realize that everyone has a certain level of narcissism. Simply wearing makeup, wearing an expensive watch, or taking pride in an accomplishment or ownership of a home are normal narcissist traits. The Japanese luxury car brand Lexus wasn’t sold in Japan for over a decade after it was established because culturally it was looked at narcissistic to own such a luxury vehicle. Psychology experts, Freud and Neville Symington, studied narcissism as part of their life work. They both state that narcissism is part of human nature and there are healthy levels of it. However too much will destroy relationships. With that being said, I have struggled with people who have NPD or indirectly by it for two decades. Having suffered deeply, I took an inward look and started looking at my personal life and seeing what parts of my life was narcissistic and what narcissistic characteristics are normal and / or acceptable. My guilt was trying to be someone important in business. My career was more important than just being me. Working 60-70hrs a week and judging others for not having enough ambition. Judging myself for not achieving enough and hurting relationships that were close to me. I own it and still learning from it. It would be nice to see a video about normal narcissistic behavior and unhealthy behavior. We have to understand that there’s a baseline of what is a normal baseline. Most people with NPD will never even know they are the blackhole narcissist. Lastly, if you’re suffering due to narcissist or living with someone who has been hurt by it, I urge seeking a therapist who specializes in NPD. It really is beneficial for you, your current relationships, and the rest of your life. Big hugs to everyone watching this video.
Thank you for stating this. NPD is so much bigger than selfies and luxurious lifestyles. These can be signs to pay attention to but it’s not even close to the end all be all. A true Narcissists enjoys hurting others. They enjoy scheming, plotting and setting situations to make you jealous.
@Popeyes not necessarily. My ex is so fucking clueless about what he's doing. He's running on pure instinct. He doesn't bother to consider how he's affecting others. He doesn't understand shit.
Doan Trinh a narcissist is not a Empath. A Empath is not narcissist. Simple. But however a empath may have flu like symptoms from dealing with these animals, but that will pass with treatment, please don’t put empaths on the same level as these animals.
I believe words can't really explain to another person that hasn't experienced it what a covert narcissist does to their victims because it just make them looks like a psychopath. ...its all intuition...you feel that these people are just not connected and have no empathy. (They have learned to walk along the living to survive)
Great info... I had my first relationship with a Covert Cluster B (mostly BPD traits, but some NPD). Yes, they're very difficult to spot... my ex was in her 40s so she had perfected her craft of hiding who she really is (and her mental health issues) for 4 decades. I'd never met someone who's persona/mask was more carefully curated, down to social media (almost no presence to be as safe as possible), never saying anything incriminating in writing while on the other hand saving every potentially incriminating text. After a few months it gradually felt like I was dating a lawyer, not a person and certainly not a life partner. She's a victim of a horrible/abusive childhood and former marriage but the person she presents to people is nothing like who she is: again, abused as a child and in her most important intimate relationships.... and as a result she had a very weak sense of self (finding her identity through others), very low self worth, hyper-vigilant to any perceived criticism, paranoid, distrustful, etc.
Hi Sean, thanks for the post- its interesting, You mention nothing 'incriminating in writing' Did you find that in person, when not accountable, no proof etc is when incriminating things would be said? kieran
My mother got seriously ill and I was crying and distraught, my ex told me that I should grow up. That he hurt when his grandad died and it wasn't like my mother was dead. He was obviously hurting alot more than me and because my mother was alive,I was not allowed to be upset. This is when I finally noticed who he really was.
My friend died and I was crying. My husband asked what was wrong and when I told him he said nothing but started walking around whistling cheerily. This is why I think we should be allowed to use cattle prods with them! Let's see you whistle cheerily now, you narcissistic git! Hehehe ahhh even the daydream of it makes me feel better. Lol!
@@kieransimpson4965 Yes that is the exact word...callous. He has that distinct ability to do that kind of thing yet other times he is incredibly kind. I really don't know what each day will bring. He appears to have Aspergers (eg wants to cover all the kitchen work surfaces with teatowels to stop us making any mess on the work surfaces. If we want any perfume on of any kind we have to do it outside because he has a heightened sense of smell and absolutely hates anything artificial so he will open every window in the house if we do it inside and be extremely angry over it. etc etc. It is many things) but I also detect this bizarre narcissistic cruelty that pops its head up out of the blue for no reason and that is not accidental. It is deliberate. Yes, callous. It shocks and it hurts. Or rather it did. Now I have learnt to be a lot tougher and just tell him his nastiness bores me, or something like that to let him know he is wasting his time trying to upset me. If its a bad day with him it is really hard work. If it is a good day I love it! Conflict is extremely tiring. :(
@@Samua3 well yes. For someone to laugh (or similar) when you have very bad news needs an understanding of emotion from them to think about doing the something that will hurt the other person. I believe that narcissists are really very sensitive, and explode if their 'rules' are not followed. Just to say I noticed in your first comment about the cattleprod! Understandable but obviously that is doing the same thing back which happens to us, ie thinking of them suffering from them making us suffer. Just something to point out but I think it is understandable to feel that way.
You hit everything right on! But my guy did a lot of "Gaslighting!!!" Part of the manipulation game after they listen and learn your weaknesses. ... First year we were together was nothing but loveboming and falling for his victim stories which kept me confused because he would "ACT" as though he loved me but would say "I don't think I could ever love again" which triggered me to open up and love him like no other...he also would say "its your actions that mean more" so made me think he did love me just couldn't say it leaned later that it was "Gaslighting!!!!" I stayed confused though out thee entire relationship! The last year we were together the intimacy stopped along with all the other stuff (dinner, movies, walks conversations...) so I moved out and it just got super crazy....WORDS just CAN'T EXPLAIN. I trusted my intuition and began to look up toxic relationship he did say he had BPD but I think he is definitely a covert narcissist 7 months of constant daily self help videos to just get thought the deep pain. His words were lies and his emotions were just bad acting or over acting. Things were just weird most the time...and stayed in confusement even in the begging.
omg thank you !!! the "get you out of your body" point is sooooo good. i´m dealing with a really tricky one at the moment. very very covert. you just can´t put your finger on it. always asking myself " is he helping or abusing me??" He is basically aiding my spiritual journey with abuse ...i know sounds confusing and it is....he´s kind of abusive,giving me brain fucks but it leads to the solution of a problem i have... i almost fell for the trick, thinking that the abuse is good cause it gives me helpful solutions....what a ...aaarrrgh...but no! the solutions can be found in a loving way too...
My husband was a covert narcissist .. i had no idea about narcissism until my husband dumped me just like that after 25 years! Soon after this i was picked up by malignant narcissist.. then i searched online for help...and learnt all about narcissism!! It all made sense... and these videos helped me to 'escape' and got me thru.. but i still feel so ill from allllll the abuse
If people have a narcissist for a parent and then marry a narcissist, they can spend decades truly being occluded by someone else and struggling against obstacles, but if they say so to anyone, they can fit your criteria for being a covert narcissist. Is the description too general? lacking some qualifiers?
I want to add my view here about narc; they should be called "It". Not her or him, simply "It". Because they are not human inside, we project love trust compassion etc to these creatures but they are simply deadened themselves, killed their own selves and they only see your empathy and sympathy as vulnerability to hurt you, manipulate you, use you and don't give rats ass about you.
Covert vs overt should have more to do with *tactics* they use to manipulate others, not any personality type. Overt example is a punch in the face, it's obvious to everyone. Covert examples would be gaslighting, ostracizing a victim, throwing a party but not inviting their victim. These are covert tactics not readily detected by others.
Many of the things you describe is more fitting for a overt narcissist. I'm pretty narcissistic myself, but I'm more aware of it than someone qualifying for the personality disorder. To me, narcissistic people is kind of easy to spot though since they are more extreme versions of myself and there for I also can relate in some ways. The thing is, my dad shares many of the traits of an overt narcissist, and it has taken me 35 years to realize that. My mom on the other hand is the opposite. So I'm kind of in between those two. A fun fact though... Many people coming here because they think someone in their surroundings are a narcissist, are in fact narcissists themselves just projecting their own narcissism onto others. That doesn't mean they're wrong about the person though, but there's also a good chance themselves suffers from the disorder, and how would they know? They're not aware of it. Anyhow, if you're not a professional you shouldn't try to diagnosing people. You can have narcissistic traits without having narcissistic personality disorder which making videos like this pretty misleading in some ways. Narcissism is an important trait in everybodys personality. We just have different degrees of the traits. Some of the things you describe sounds like sadism which isn't a trait that describes narcissism in particular. However, narcissistic personality disorder can-/and often overlaps with other cluster B personality disorders, but it could be something else than just narcissistic personality disorder.
People with CPTSD may look like narcissists. They are empathetic people with narc traits picked from their own family and the way they were brought up but that doesn't mean they're constantly thinking how to get advantage from everyone around.
@@Lyrielonwind Hum... Thats sounds about right. I've always been pretty hard on myself in that regard. But I think that if it wasn't for my own narcissism, I wouldn't been so easily manipulated by psychopaths who like to love bomb you and stuff like that.
you've just described my girlfriend of 4+yrs, I was sooo blind doing so much for her going over the top! Betrail by Nadia no empathy truly selfish user...tore my heart apart destroying me emotionally.... Thank you for the eye-opening video!
The narc I was with and his adult kids would deny,lie,steal,were sneaky and always playing the victim. Everything was replaceable, even people. No rules, no boundaries.
I don’t know if she totally is one, but this made me think of the one time she was telling me sort of one of the things she does to see if she can be with someone, is how would they act at a dinner or a function, if she were to become president… Another time I was so busy interacting that I didn’t stop and be like wait what president…It’s weird because thinking back it’s almost like I was in a strange fog of trying to live up to what she wanted or what she claims she wanted
I have written proof that I am a covert narcissist. If I had the money I would go to a psychologist. But if a psychologist talks to me, read my past text messages and interview of my past friends, they'll believe me too.
Watching this video just made me pinpoint and recollect these signs early on from my ex narc. Its wild, and Im kinda laughing at how predictable it is. If only I had known about these signs 6 years ago...
I cried in front of him telling him he broke my heart into two, after all the stuff he did behind my back. He came back all mean and entitled and said “no I didn’t”.
Hello Ewa. I've been watching a lot of videos about narcissistic abuse lately (& also reading up on it), and I want to say that your videos have helped me gain so much understanding and helped me heal. I still have one huge question that I've never been able to find an answer to though, and I will state that question very shortly. Firstly, my experience of narcissistic abuse is quite an unusual one, in that it didn't come from either a parent or an intimate partner. In fact, it came from the brother of my partner. My partner died 4 years ago, and within days of her death, her brother (who I hardly knew at all) pushed his way into my life, and tried to take it over, under the pretence of 'helping' me. Being in a deep state of shock & bereavement, I couldn't see how unhealthy this was, but over the next few months, his narcissistic manipulations ended up with me losing all contact with my partner's family (& them being turned against me through him gossiping about me behind my back) so that it ended up with them scattering the ashes without inviting me or even informing me that they had done so. I have been left deeply emotionally scarred by what he did, to the point where I feel that my anger towards him has actually derailed my grieving process, and now my dominant feelings & thoughts regarding my partner's death are now about HIS actions & how they resulted in me not getting any CLOSURE on my partner's death. My last remaining question (that I would like to understand) regards what CAUSES a narcissistic personality. Whenever I have tried to look into this, all the 'explanations' I have read so far suggest that it's a particular parental situation (an 'abusive' parent contrasted with a compensatory 'over loving' parent) yet from everything I know about my partner & her brother's background, this was NOT the case (& in fact, my partner was the complete opposite of a narcissist). Knowing my partner's brother's life history, it seems very much that he's been on a life path where actually DEVELOPING narcissistic traits has actually HELPED him in his chosen career, and find a devoted wife (who is completely submissive to him). It could also be that some people (perhaps a tiny minority) are just born narcissists. I know this goes against all the alleged 'scientific knowledge' that wants to see a particular parental set up as the universal 'cause'. Perhaps sometime you could make a video on the topic of the 'causes' of the narcissistic personality, as I would really like to see some alternative explanations.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. In my experience with lots of NPDs in my family, they are just born malicious and aggressive, it's genetic. You can see it in their faces even in baby photos - an anger, an emptiness. Also in my experience, we always miss those we loved and have passed (if we have a heart, that is). Time makes it a bit better but of course never erases it. Wishing you well.
@@MR-tr2fz a big part of the pain and and feelings of losing our minds is that we are trying to understand the narc perspective, causes, reasons. That is bc our reality has become so infiltrated by them that we are looking for evidence that we are not crazy. I have gone through the same process and i realized only afterwards that any focus on them is just giving away energy that we would highly need for ourselves after the experience. Log story short: focus on yourself, love yourself more than ever and don't turn your attention or compassion on them. Any focus on them will only enlarge abd prolongue the cognitive dissonance that we are left in. Take care
I am married to one. EVERYTHING they do is an act. It's so predictable. Deep down they are very empty emotionally. Being married to one is a very lonely road. Every time they violate borders there is ALWAYS an excuse why. My dog has more empathy. We start marriage counseling today. I cannot wait to see the excuses. It's going to be fun.
Good Luck. Our counselor caught on the second he opened the Narc opened his mouth...a counselor he hand picked. Walked out and never went back. Didn't like the counselor calling him out.
Thank you for sharing your insights about these types of people, Soul GPS! And for everyone else, I've included 10 more important and relevant points about exercising self-preservation with one's boundaries, which works for others and me. 1. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many ARTICLES about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!! 2. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many VIDEOS about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!! 3. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many PODCASTS about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!! 4. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many AUDIO CLIPS of yourself about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!! 5. Either video chat, call, OR speak directly with the person who continues to violate boundaries every day RATHER THAN JUST messaging or emailing the person, in which the tone of online messages can easily be misinterpreted or exaggerated than hearing one's voice!!!! 6. Whenever involved in a conversation where the person continues to dominate the conversation and censor you from expressing yourself, SET A TIMER and SHOW THAT PERSON DIRECTLY how long that person can speak AND when that person must stop speaking!!!! 7. Warn that person who continues to violate boundaries every day AHEAD OF TIME that all their contact information (home and/or work address, phone numbers, emails, video calls, messenger apps, RUclips channels, etc.) will be muted or blocked INSTEAD OF enforcing silent treatment without warning them AHEAD OF TIME!!!! 8. If you STRONGLY DISLIKE how the person continues to violate your boundaries every day, avoid expressing excessive "you" statements ("no one loves you because," "no one takes you seriously because," "you have no choice but to rot in lifelong prison because," "you deserve to face the death penalty because," etc.) in an accusatory or (passive-)aggressive manner when getting your points across!!!! 9. As a last resort, if the person who continues to violate boundaries every day is CONSTANTLY soliciting or following you around in person EVERYWHERE in your vehicle, at your house, your workplace, or your school (or somewhere else) every day to the point that your life is AT RISK or in PHYSICAL DANGER, keep your pepper spray handy, document all the direct encounters, file a restraining or protective order, and/or report them to the authorities right away!!!! 10. As an alternative, if the person who continues to violate boundaries every day begins to harass or threaten to steal your money and belongings, damage your property, or even (permanently) harm or kill themselves and/or others, just because that person DOESN'T get all their unfulfilled "wants" and "needs" met all the time, SEND THEM A DIRECTORY OF ALL THE CONTACT INFORMATION of mental health, counseling and therapy, psychological, and/or psychiatric services available!!!! With more than 8 months of COVID-19 pandemic affecting or manipulating everyone's physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual state in different ways, whether negatively or positively, or whether dealing with physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual health matters, it is more important than ever to DIRECTLY ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES on people who continue to violate your boundaries!!!! AND ONCE AGAIN, THE KEY IS TO EXERCISE "SELF-PRESERVATION" AT ALL TIMES, AND NO EXCUSES!!!!
I wonder if there’s a vid regarding dealing with a covert narc who has custody of your child, and frequently uses them as a weapon against you (denying you access, etc). I’m so happy to be rid of the narc, but super depressed about not seeing my daughter. It’s tough.
Hi. Thank you for this video. It is very enlightening and helpful, to say the least. I would explain my current situation in this comment, but I'm a very private person and don't feel comfortable revealing my personal life and feelings here on this public forum. I subbed and liked. 😊
I have stumbled on what I would say is a covert narcissist since she meets more or less all these signs. I have myself a lot of codependent traits and have a very hard time maintaining boundaries (but when I met the CN I thought I had good boundaries, but it is clear that I haven't) and this makes it so difficult to cut the ties. I tell her that I want to exit the relationship, but then she plays the victim and convinces me that I should stay. But I think I am getting close to cutting the trauma bond so I finally can leave...
kingsix2000 do it! And avoid a world of pain. I wasted five years of my life with one of these pieces of work, but looking back nearly all my relationships have been with narcs or emotionally inept people. Work on why you are are so addicted to painful love. My reason is my mother is a narcissist and gaslit me throughout my childhood, I was conditioned to think that was what love felt like. It is seriously better to be alone than have the life sucked out of you by these people. Read Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend (I ignored the Bible references as an atheist) it is literally a lifesaver. Also read Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD, it is like opening the door to a new world. Good luck ❤️
@@monicacruz4407 thanks Monica! Fortunately we do not cohabitate which gives me some space to clear my head from time to time. But when guilt gets a grip around my throat it is difficult. But I get a little bit closer for each and every fight as I am learning to not back down from the truths I have told about how I feel and don't feel. Soon I will be ready to fly 🤩
@@kieransimpson4965 thanks Kieran, I appreciate the feedback! I tried to say this face to face to her but that proved to be too difficult as she can read me rejecting her and then her own abandonment issues does anything to hoover me back. But I have terminated the relationship over the phone and am currently working through the guilt that has been projected on me. I am determined to be no contact, but it is difficult as the people pleasing parts of me are quite noisy. The best argument for me to leave the relationship has been that it is a toxic cycle that makes me feel depressed and confused, which is a clear reason for me to exit. I mean, how would you motivate someone to stay with you when the relationship is the problem. It comes down to the combination of me being a codependent people pleaser and her scoring quite high on the cluster B spectrum.
@@kingsix2000 you sound quite aware of what is happening which is good. Good to see 'the guilt being projected onto you' as you say. I have been similar in terms of codependency, looking to others for validation and have found similar issues and am working on it. Its a balance then to leave yourself open to experience when understandably being more skeptical of others.
Yo can I say something potentially dangerous? I'm Avoidant. I was with a woman who was for sure co-dependent now that I look back. Here's the thing...I feel like her co-dependency *turned* my avoidant characteristics into covert narcissism. The reason I say that is because her constant need for validation made our emotional conversations into almost a cat-and-mouse game of her wanting...and wanting...and wanting my emotional feedback and me trying to simultaneously maintain selfhood while also trying to keep her. Frankly it made her annoying in a way that was EXTREMELY difficult to verbalize. And because I didn't have that language, I also didn't have a solid reason to not want to be with her anymore. I once described it to a friend as having a shirt with like that *one spot* that is extremely irritating on your skin...but the shirt looks nice! It fits! It matches all your other outfits. But whenever no ones looking you proceed to SCRATCH THE SHIT out of that spot. And you may be saying "Well, if you're a narcissist you probably deserved it". Well, I dunno, I feel like my avoidance also brought out the covert narcissist in the person who was formally simply co-dependent. By the time we broke up she was WAYYYYY worse than I ever was. Like, much closer to the type of person described in this video, down to that REALLY ugly moment when the mask finally comes off and there's nothing but anger and hate. Maybe learned a lot from me, but there were DEEP childhood wounds with her that went so far beyond anything I was able to deal with. Basically, I think the idea that Narcissism can also come in waves needs to be taken seriously. It's not just that it's a spectrum, narcissism can indeed be triggered, relapsed, improved, etc.
They're not aware of doing this though, correct? They're doing it unconsciously? I just spent 3 years on and off with one. She knew I was in to psychology early on too. I loved her story because and I consider a relationship to a place of mutual growth, and the story was literally about her trauma. Typical INFP here btw. I got to know her family so the story is true, which makes me struggle to accept there's nothing I can do to help her work through it, especially now that I'm detached emotionally. Before we ended she had calmed down significantly, and isn't as hypersensitive anymore. She's more aware of her trauma then ever before, if there ever was any awareness before at all. The deflection never did really affect me much, or at least I thought so. I could see there was no rationality to what she said, or what she accused me of. But over time it certainly gets to be too much. In the end it affected my own identity in that my interests were totally shut down so I'm in a process of waking up to myself so to speak. Emotionally, I was closed off to other people in my life way too much because I was so focused on her and us. And the anger? Jesus Christ, I've never been so angry in my life, and it pervaded my life for some time and I didn't realize where it came from. I figured it was arising out of working too much and other stresses from an introvert living extrovertedly way too much. In other words, new emotions to be integrated and worked on in order to grow I thought. But it's obvious now where it came from, and even though I was fully aware of myself the whole time, only now do I see how blind I was to my own denial. Only in the last week I caught her in a lie and as you can well imagine, it's all my fault. Total deflection. I'm not going back, but I certainly care enough to want to help prevent her from destroying every relationship for the rest of her life. The key of course is her opening up to the pain of her trauma I guess, but, needless to say, that's some well protected emotional content right there. I find it disturbing to have witnessed someone suffer in that way. Like I said, her abuse is a joke to deal with if you're able to regulate your own emotions well, and are analytical at all, but you can't be emotionally attached, that can't work at all.
I'm a bit confused, my narc family have often got in the way of me reaching my potential because I spent years and years looking after others and feeling guilty or ashamed and gaslighted into believing they weren't creating problems that I was spending time trying to figure out until i finally got out. This makes me fit the description at the beginning...does that mean I'm a covert narc?? All this research and educating is leading me to be confused as to whether it is me that is the problem or not..
I'm confused too, I fucked up so badly In my first relationship. I've learned loads since then but some things she says I relate too and some things I relate to him
@@bookdeannow same. Its all so confusing and such a minefield to navigate through. I wanted answers but geez...careful what I wish for. I'm hoping over time (and with distance from abuse!) things become clearer
Exactly what this narc did he pushed my boundaries shredded me and stood back folded his arms smirked. Yes I was told by this male narc I was not allowed to talk in the car with him. This was on a three hour ride down and a appointment for a hearing aid in Denver a hour and a half down while a half hour in he planned to jump out of the car he this leaving me on the side of the road to go see his mistress we had been married 30 years. Yes this is the ex wife of this narcissist that has hacked my phone I cannot even use my phone under my you tube.
Everything revolves around money for my covert narc MIL. She would always try and compete with my husband over things she has bought, that he allegedly can't afford (how twisted is that?). We went NC at lockdown. She is going nuts 😃
I am landlady, ex b4 her a bit less worse caused this bad with her to be worse or whatever. Getting delivered. Also, synagouge religious haughty, etc, Spirit. I went back to synagouge, a blessing, but still 2 leaders sour it. I just need to be in joy that can't be moved. Not steal my bubbliness passion enthusiastic excitement & illusions.
1. Gut feeling - something doesn't add up about their behavior, bad feeling
2. Martyr story - misunderstood by the world, victim mentality, constantly want your empathy
3. Everything is always your fault - their bad mood, anything that goes wrong between you
4. Petty conflicts - and the moment you notice, they blow and make a huge problem out of it (and keep bringing it up)
5. They believe they are special and unique, "higher than thou" - even when the world proves them wrong
6. They don't really listen - trying to find your weaknesses to manipulate later, if not found they move on
7. They try and make you react - cant and mouse game, push and twist your personal boundaries
8. Everything is conditional - never just unless they can manipulate
9. Ultimate hypocrite - always criticizing, judgy, but don't follow their own advice - these rules don't apply to them
10. Obsessed with their big role in the world - try to bring you into their reality (which has very little to do with reality)
Great 'round-up' which applies to you, me and all lovely souls caught in this mad web. Nothing special or unique or worthy about about list of personality traits and behaviour! They are delusional!
Absolutely spot on. Experienced all of these.
Overly accurate. 🎯 The crazy-making is absolutely horrible and confused. And in the end they end up playing the victim.
Love bombing
Idealation
Disinterest
Discard.
Love bombiing
Idealation
Wash rinse repeat
The watching of me being upset was key for my husband. He continually threatened to leave me, I did everything he asked and he left anyway. Wasted 23 years of my life. Don’t let it happen to you!
They also deflect constantly, especially when they are caught “red handed.”. If you point it out, even with evidence, they find a way to spend things away from them.
the mosteffective way to stop thinking about a person, is to date another person, and have new friends that are unrelated.....
Doing hits within a few months you are detached and healthy
but if you stay ruminating in their area and circle of influence, you may stay stuck for years without any chance of getting away
Yep, usually when they are deflecting, they are typically blaming it on you in some way shape or form...even if it is obvious. Some of them are very adaptive liars, too.
@@nickyates9820 is like everything is there fault n no exception
Sometimes, they don't even bother spinning things away from them. They don't care if they're caught! They just don't respond. Or if they do respond, it's with a "No I didn't" or "No,.. that's not what I told you".
@@runnindownadream8106 Yeah, I've been un-wise enough to try and give them a taste of their own medicine...it never goes well. They just tried to give it right back to me as if they were giving me an eye for an eye and/or that I instigated it. Ugh!
Yesssss....the ultimate hypocrite ...they will shame you and treat you like garbage then go to church and act holier than thow.....so true thank you for such a great video..
J Naylor Sounds like my mother 😑
Very true indeed. My coverts are big church goers.
ya die Freeletcics arschlöcher haben genau das mit mir gemacht, Brain washing, Fred destruction daily Fuckupening, und ich sollte auch noch happy damit sein mit diesen Arschlöchern. habe dene nix getan und die haben mich straight in die nächsten Runden Depressionen geschickt
Da wäre ich in Frankreich in einer Sportgruppe besser aufgehoben gewesen......
Scheiss Wichser sind das - Sorry keine andere Meinung darüber
religion/church is often something dishonest people will believe in/ go to. probably a guilt thing
Complete TRASH! 😭
The two main things that stood out for me with the coverts I've known were: a) they were constantly secretly bad-mouthing pretty much everyone they know, and/or b) with great "care" and "worry" for you they point out things you should "improve" about yourself, treating you like a semi-idiot all the time, with a smile.
Also there's the classic (in the UK at least), "are you alright??" - said completely out of the blue, when you feel absolutely fine, on occasions where they should have just said good morning. Crazy stuff.
M R Yes! Thank you.
Omg that's what the covert narc i know does.
Yep brings me back to flashbacks of sitting on my parents porch to get away from them and I would be minding my business they would come outside and ask are you alright? I started pulling the rock method and told them I was fine because if I told them what was going on it would feed the drama they seek
@Eric Taft So creepy.
OMG! Very good observation. My Narc wife says sometimes (completely out of the blue) 'are you alright?' Like they give a crap. Meanwhile on the rare occasion when I am sick she never once asks are you alright? So weird.
To me, the most strong signs were. 1) A total lack of empathy, as If I was talking to a robot. 2) 2 fits of narcissistic rage after petty ctiticism or even suspicion of upcoming criticism.
#11: They are obsessed with themselves !
This was SPOT ON...All 10!!!! It is amazing ...I feel less crazy
Possible sign: you are researching narcissism on the internet
Chad Andrews yes!
And you cannot stop researching. It’s one Aha moment after another.
Narc research then changes to Narc abuse recovery research and therapy. The gift that keeps on giving. Should be laws against their abuse.
hahaha yes xD it took me so long to realise this xD
Wrong, have a female friend who shows these signs
Over and over again UGH !
Another strong sign is that they get you to commit to them on a level that is important to you, they hook you in subtle ways by playing on your sympathy or tapping into an ability that you have. You mentioned this but in the beginning they will try different ways to see what works best. They test you, and anyone who tests someone instead of just getting to know you by asking questions in a normal way is up to no good. Great video, thank you! This has reminded me how far I've come. 🙂💗
Been living with one for 13 years..... its hell. Devious and ruthless. I know what i should do but cant bring myself to leave rhe the kids....
Excellent point! The testing part (to get a reaction instead of simply asking)... such an excellent point👍. I was trying to explain this to a friend of mine the other day what I had recently experienced & couldn't really express the point that I was trying to make.
Helma Maagdeleyn yes, I was constantly being "tested".
Yes they do test you absolutely right. Yes a 'test' is not someone interacting with you on a level. A narc once said to me he tests people. Its to see how/whether they can manipulate you and what information they can gain.
@@jesuisvanessawilkerson7011 be interested to hear how you would describe it. Absolutely narcs do test people, a narc told me he did this once!
Narcissists teach you how to live without them. Narcissists teach you to live alone...
Even though the whole process is extremely draining and challenging, you emerge stronger. Once u identify the person as narc, it becomes easier. Stay strong everyone 💗🙏💜
There was a covert narcissist at work who would hijack conversations, be fake nice with everyone, create unnecessary drama and division, spread rumors and gossip to undermine people's work ethic, and she was a sophisticated gaslighter. Fortunately, she moved after finding a different position. It was the happiest day of my work life!! I always saw straight through her, so I just kept my guard up at all times unbeknownst to her. Good riddance.
Anyone else scared to date again? 😬 I am trying to move past the fear that the next person is going to be another extremely covert sociopath
same here.
OH YEAH..... since 1996.
Yup. I've met another 2 since the last one. But they are easier to spot.
I've run into 4 of them. I don't date anymore.
I stopped trying. If the right guy comes around he's sent from God. Otherwise I'm going to stay single.
A small problem becomes a big problem when someone is dirty and lacks hygiene and you bring up how important it is to you and they don't do anything about it. The more you share what you need the more they don't do it. Than I react and get upset and they focus on my upset and say I need therapy. I'm so glad it's over.
One year with my Covert Narcissist/Dismissive Avoidant:
MONTH one : Great
MONTH two : Greater
MONTH three : Fabulous (heavy love bombing starts...)
MONTH four : Heaven (I love you...)
MONTH five : Seventh heaven...
MONTH six : Mask starts to come off (devaluing starts...)
MONTH seven : full devalue/dismissive behavior, refusal to talk about issues by ignoring...
MONTH eight : distancing/lying begins (gaslighting also)...
MONTH nine : lying clearly shows...
MONTH ten : Frustration sets in...
MONTH eleven : Everything is my fault...
MONTH twelve : I left her for good, NO contact at all, PERIOD
MONTH thirteen :
MONTH fourteen :
Her; closure letter mailed to me.
Me; Still NO contact, too late for her, DO NOT RESPOND.
Good for you.
They are all so much the same it's super creepy...like zombies that try to eat your soul! It's so deep!
@@slynnrey9711 you couldn't have worded that any better, soooo true
I had exactly the same with a CN+DA type, and it's shortened in 4 month, but exactly the same process. And he dumped me first when I tried to bring it up and talk, but of course it was my fault for doubting him 🤷🏻♂️
I have like a good sense in identifying this individuals.. another sign is pay attention how they try to not take responsibility
Yup! It's always your fault. You're the crazy person who overreacts and fights.
Yup, they never show care or acknowledgement of your feelings or perspective... and often they will tell you what your reasons or feelings are from their own delusional mind. Put words in your mouth, go to drastic or extreme reactions when you are expressing yourself during a disagreement, play the victim and never open up honestly about their true feelings, use sarcasm to deflect from having a true resolution of an issue etc. etc. etc. totally absurd! After losing your mind so many times over 28 years, friends telling you that you’ve lost the spark you used to have... takes a toll.
We have to be very careful too that we’re not dealing with a target/survivor of narcissistic/psychopathic abuse... since they may present with a story/stories of what they have survived at the hands of a spouse/friends/family members. Not using good discernment and clearly understanding this type of abuse could also vilify a victim. Many times empaths and HSPs have been targeted throughout their lives by different narcs and often repeatedly. So, just because someone tells sad stories of their past and victimization, it doesn’t make them a covert. They could actually be a narcissist magnet.
Exactly
God tells us to test the spirits.. CHARACTER. and also should own the part they had to play in the situation. Even tho they were narcissist. We also have a part to play some blame to take. And if they admit this then most likely they will be a safe person.. MAYBE 🙏😑
@@surrenderedlife1014 unfortunately
@@surrenderedlife1014 we have to try to be aware if they are telling us what we want to hear, if they are flattering us. i think they look for people who want external validation. myself included
But after all these years of abuse and ignoring the initial red flags, I’m more than sure I can tell the difference between a sob story and a sob story. U know..
Really excellent points. I really like how you said they want to get you out of your body and into their narrative, like only their story matters. Thank you
Another sign to recognize about the Covert Narcissist is the “Jekyll-Hyde” disguise.
In public and around outsiders, everyone strictly sees the charming, friendly, entertaining “Jekyll,” whereas behind closed doors I would hardly ever see “Jekyll.”
I typically and constantly got exposed to the “Emotional Energy Vampire....”Miss Hyde.”
When I tell others about it; they find it incredible. I often ended up not being believed, and left questioning my experience with great uncertainty on my part (...am I crazy).
They are superb chameleons in public and when under scrutiny, even with professional counselors and therapist.
Same situation like you! That’s why one end up all crazy 😝 Their ability to convince others of their “kind” “Loving” nature is all a front. Because they’re not cohabitants, they have no idea of the “Jekyll” they also are. Don’t you wish you could bring them to justice for all the damage they left behind them?? But is important to know that they are catalyst for us to work on issues of codependency and childhood I Un healed wounds. Thats why we attract them in the first place. The best we can do is to let them completely go and go zero contact and focus on ourselves. They are not worth a tear or a penny.
I see your need to express your feelings, D Kirk. And you are right. It is heartbreaking, when they present themselves in society differently than when they are alone with you, and no one believes you. (Even my mother didn't believe me, she was on her side, until the ex narc f*** our whole family). But what you are describing, is not the covert narcissist. Charming in society, yes. But entertaining? Huge NO. Covert narcissists are never in the front line. I am saying this, because coverts are so hard to spot in those kinds of situations.
Art of MGHOW; I lived with one for 32 years. She was not flamboyant or anything, except in a very a social setting after drinking alcohol; she would then do things in public that was unbecoming of a woman who had her so called act together (an illusion).
As a matter of fact, no one believed what she was doing behind closed doors when I shared my story. In public she is charming and friendly. She consistently appeares to be a person you would want to hang out with on a routine basis.
When I first met her she told me a sob story at the beginning to draw me in. She plays the woe is me card all the time. (I do believe she is also dealing with some type of Comorbidity issue, as well. She was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD in her youth; not treated. She was traumatized be her angry mom as a child.)
She does expect everything to center on her; not in a open, or overt and obvious way. She protects her public image with a vengeance, especially when I would call attention to her behavior. She puts on a solid spiritual image at times, which can be misleading. The friendly nature she portrays in public keeps everyone from seeing whats beneath. Therapist and counselors are not able to see beneath her mask she wears. They saw her as friendly; I would be left hanging, as if I was crazy and created false stories about her behavior (This was maddening for me; no one believing me, not even the so called professionals could see what I saw and experienced with her.).
She played the silent treatment card all the time on me and the typical social norm rules do not apply to her, she breaks them, but expects others to abide. She is brilliant at the art of triangulation.
So does this then make her an overt narcissist? All my so called friends, relatives and so on do not see her true nature at all. If she is an overt narcissist, then why am I the only one who sees it, no one else does?
They do not see what I saw or experienced when I’m alone with her. Everyone is drawn to her friendly disposition. For years they believed I was making things up about her darker nature that I experienced on a routine basis.
She has no empathy whatsoever, except when she fakes it for a purpose and its to her advantage. She would just do things to me to start an argument; when I would react finally, she would stare at me and go silent. She would promise to stop a behavior, and then do it over again and again. (She only stopped temporarily when my decision on a matter was going to jeopardize her directly, then she would treat me nicely for a spell.)
She would build me up, devalue me, and then discard me in some way. This was a routine of hers. She would do this in public also, but no one would notice. (Gaslighting is one of her favorite tools she used on me, along with the silent treatment.)
When I tried to tell others about her actions, no one believed me. I could not figure out why they could not see the darker aspects of her.
She can be quiet charming, alluring an entertaining in a social setting. In social settings her rages never appeared; they only appeared behind closed doors.
I read a book about “The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza.
I know its confusing. I’m tired of it all.
@@risingeagle6332 Hey. Thanks for your reply. I feel you. I hope I haven't hurt you in any way with my previous comment. It actually isn't so important whether she is overt or covert. There is probably a thin line between those, and there are certainly many possible combinations between the two.
The most hurtful thing is, that no one believed you. I know how it feels, man. You must be heart broken. No one believed me too. She spent some time with my mother alone. And my mom never believed me, when I said that she is manipulating with her, and that she was totally different with me. I didn't believe my self either. I was so confused (still am) about what was going on.
Mine was more silent type. Her aggression was more subtle. She had raging outbursts. But not so often. She was a typical martyr. Everything was wrong. She was a poor little thing. And I bought it for many years. Comforting her to the extreme. Doing wathever she wanted and nothing satisfied her. She always reminded me of the image of the Princess and the pea. That was exactly her. I don't remember the story. But the character was her.
This woman destroyed my life almost to the core. But now it is a few years after the break up. And I am finding out that she was not the only one. All women except probably two or three in my life were treating me poorly. And women were not the only problem. But they were a very huge one. I mean, I don't blame them for everything. I think it was half-half. My fault, their fault. I wasn't aware of what was going on.
I needed to fall on my knees to start my recovery from everything. Now I am cleaning all aspects of my life. All relationships. Even to my self. This one is the most important one anyways, I think.
Best of luck, man.
@@mosan-wa8990 never take a narcissist, to court or report a narcissist to the police, you will look , sound stupid and crazy to them, even at the therapy they wont believe you, they will belive the narcissist of which eventually you'll be charged and being forced to pay court charges .it had happened to me two times, right now im paying court charges and the charges of the narcissist lawyer which is almost 5000 €. Best is to run 🏃🏿♀️ go no contact and never let them know where you're living. .
This video ultimately confirms, who i am dealing with. Thank you!
Another huge sign is early triangulation!!!! they mention things about others like random and harmless comments - what they do is plant a seed of jealousy early on. the ex, this name, that one, all "randomly" in the most "meaningless" ways. They drop these hints that make even someone who is not usually jelous become insecure and wonder about that "meaningless" harem. And besides, usually they DO have others around to your replacement from the start. It's so ridiculously sad.
diana t. Yes, excellent point. Thank you for mentioning this, very important!
Ohhh you're so right!! If it's not a romantic partner they just subtly bad-mouth everyone - but with a partner, yes, "innocently" mentioning other women, exes, etc.
Yessss! Absolutely! Mine mentioned his ex's all the time... he even kept one of them around
You are so on point Diana!!
Mine would mention “homegirls”
A quick summary:
A feeling you have (your intuition) Pay attention.
They want you to evoke empathy (to their sad story).
Sympathy!!! (more of THEIR sad story).
It is always your fault (they project onto you).
They make you feel extremely special (idealization) - they lure/manipulate you.
They withdraw (devaluation/discard).
They are special - higher calling (in their mind).
They don’t listen to you - they are studying you.
They create situations intended to get you to react (fuel/supply).
Everything is conditional (void of true intimacy).
Ultimate hypocrite (professes greatness or righteousness).
Obsessed with the big picture (as they see it) fake picture.
Thank you!
Great vid - well said and done!!
"Not listening but studying" is so accurate. He seemed so intense but looking back it was working out what made me tick.
The sob story was well done in my case, he didn't display an outright victim approach as I was alert for that behaviour. He would just highlight a tough childhood or how an ex behaved. Very devious and manipulative.
extra clarity - thank you...currently climbing out of CN hell~!
Thank you
Joe Green
Hi Joe,
This is a summary of Meredith’s work and insight (from video).
It truly is something we can all relate too.
Joe Green
Thank you Joe!
The biggest sign is the entitlement.
bingo!
Omgggggg thank you so so so so very much. Everything on this list hit home, except #5 which I feel would've revealed itself a with more time. I literally screamed at the end. Thank you. I was able to pull myself out after about 6 months after he told me he never thought about needing to change anything about himself. That was the ultimate red flag. I left after that and thank god I didn't look back.
Yes.. She told me she was on solid ground.. No problems. It's all me
This is such a great and helpful video. I just ghosted a former colleague/acquaintance of mine after understanding that he is a covert narcissist who had chosen me as his next target. I had been ignoring the red flags. Luckily, he was so clumsy at his attempts to draw me in that I never swallowed the bait. I was ok with the very superficial relationship we had, then he decided I was his new bestie. I'm currently working with a coach, so I could discuss his behaviour with a trained professional. Otherwise I might still think that he's just a weirdo. Covert narcissists are incredibly dangerous. Another problem is that most of us want to get on with people, we want to have good relationships and sometimes we go too far in our attempt to make things work. And sometimes we are too tolerant of obviously anti-social behaviour.
The first thing you mentioned resignatted with me. First thing- I had been working two full-time jobs and I was saving for my own house before I met him however, well I met him.. and within a month we are moving in. In the back of my head I thought wow so fast but went along with it... My intuition kicked in high gear and I did not listen to it.. I should have. As I was moving in was in the kitchen I'm packing dishes and I would randomly stop and grab my gut I even told him to stop let's leave I had a very uneasy feeling.. I was vomiting in the kitchen sink and not move,..at first I thought it was because I was moving out-of-town away from everybody and anxiety was up but something in the back of my head said something wasn't right with this man. He made himself so good and he was a victim of being cheated on by multiple woman in his relationships , so I was hell bent to show him I was better than they and never cheated on anyone.. little did I know 4 months after living together in the house that I paid for by working so hard I got a call from a woman who claimed that I had her husband and my house!!! I responded in shock..and I moved out... After his divorce was final we got back together moved back in it , you was in such a rush that he even unpacked my belongings from my storage while I was at work and moved it into the house without even consenting with me..I married him and found out after 3years I didn't know this man and I didn't know myself either. My identity has been stripped from me I am not to carefree happy person I once was I feel like my identity, my life my purpose has been stolen. Divorce is scheduled for October 24th and I got a TPO on him for now. I urge every woman to please please listen to your instincts. I is a vital tool that can save you from evil....I will always listen to my instincts from now on.
Thank you for sharing me too felt it in my gots from the get go I questioned everything he said within myself and came up with the right answers every single time but I so ignored the truth and that is probably what hurts me the most that I was capable to go against my own got feelings despite the waweing red flags 2 years in hell good God I let him brake my spirit until the day that I no longer could keep up the illusion
Omg hope your ok
Hi Ewa! Thank you for yet another wonderful video. I am 6+ months no contact with my ex, your videos were of great support in getting me out of an awful situation, so thank you from my heart for this channel!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Claudia! It will be very valuable for people. Warm hugs to you, Dear : )
Specific examples are always so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you! Very well documented ... They all read the same script don't they!!!
Did he threaten you?
Did he ever contact you after break-up?
Thank you for your dedication in helping us to heal from this sick and evil form of abuse. I've listened to a lot of other youtubers but appreciate your perspective with combining your knowledge with science.
Ewa thank you for your channel. Channels like yours have given me courage to start my own youtube channel about these narcissists. I have decades of experience studying and working with them. However, a close personal relationships one revealed just how dangerous they can be. Recognize red flags early and get away from these entities. Stay safe everyone.
I went through all of these points with my ex wife (during 18 years relationship). But most of them she uncovered after I found out she was cheating me. Outward she looks like the sweatest girl of the word. Healing from cognitive disonans took me more then 2 years (through depression, anxienty and real hell). Pure no contact is impossible, because of kids.
You, Ewa, was first who showed me what I deal with. You validated my feelings. I think you saved me, and gave me a hope for better future. Thank you. You are great person.
Damian Chojnowski I was married to one for 3 years that felt like 30 years. I cannot imagine 18 years!! Uff you are truly a survivor. In those three years I went through so much hell. From testing, diminishment, discards and hovering back, gaslighting and of course at the beginning was all praising and constantly idolization. They pull the very worst out of you. Thank God I didn’t do anything when I saw her in bed with her new supply. Like with me she push the marriage quickly with her new supply. They live in a total different reality. This one claim to be a warrior of god who had come to murder spirits of the darkness.😂 totally delusional.
20 yrs of marriage and she has expertly used the children to keep me guilted to her. She wants half of assetts of course yet has never come close to working for it. Took me 16 yrs to start questioning and I finally see her cunningness.
Damian Chojnowski thank you for your message I was manipulated for 13 years before I woke up. Super hard to get thru the last two years. I also have one child with her.
So. Strange to come to terms with such an empty person, thank god I am free. And not alone.
I've been married 33 years to one hell of a CN. Aways thought he had Attachment Issues. I've come through the darkest depression, left with anxiety when he puts key in door. Desperate to get out and away but grown up children see great Dad who stayed with sick Mum. Rubbished my Nursing career, then my career as a Psychotherapist (not one day did I leave for training or work without his guilt weighing me down). Perhaps my career hindered me as always though it was Attachment issues, then Autism and I recognised abused people, but not me. Now seen his colours he CONSTANTLY criticises, called me "a lunatic", disparages me, goes into rages. Im voice taping him. Never interested in me or my dreams, or wanting to seem face light up with happiness. My children have never once not shown me unconditional love; so hard for them losing a capable present Mum. AND JUST now I hate him. Kindness is ONE THING I won't let him take from me. Determined.
Forgiving myself for not seeing this, desperate to go to heal, so concerned about how to do this and not lose my now adult childrens love. and the only way I can bear not to 'hurt' him' is to hold onto the fact that he doesn't feel empathy. Not the same for him.
@@evie7738 my concern is very close to yours...I can not figure out how to keep children from going off the deep end. Too young for me to escape the control of this woman. She knows how to keep me at arm's length and constantly off balance. Oh the emotional outrage if I ever try to question what is going on... Pain every single damn day.
I've got my power back!!!!!! AMEN! Subscribed!
Go you!!!
I'm getting there and when I read about others on the other side it gives me hope. There is a sense of relief and peace from survivors. Freedom!
Thank you Eva, great video and very close to my experience of the covert narcissist. You should link this to the videos you have made on NLP techniques used by narcs. The idea of being drawn into a story is really accurate. My experience was of a man who told me how he had been neglected as a child, this wounded soul, of course I fell for it. I think the “observe don’t absorb” technique, developed to ninja level, s becoming de rigeur in our modern culture. Thank you for educating us!
Awesome video! You are spot on. Your dignity and command of the subject warm my heart.
Thank you for being yourself.
Jerry
I find it funny how everytime I crawl out one hole I fall in another. My life was pretty messy before she came into my life, when i got over everything bad and moved on from it all which took a few years, then that snake came into mylife. It feels like I've been punished for getting over my past and moving on.
From what I've learned about being targeted by a Narc is that until we truly heal our own emotional wounds we will continue to attract and be attracted to these toxic types....so I'm wondering if you have truly "got over everything bad and moved on" when you are still be targeted and allowing yourself to be targeted by these types...hope the best for you going forward.
“That snake” I love this. My mother is a covert narc and all the boyfriends I had were, It took many years for me to recognize it all in my own mother. And what is really interesting is that I had a snake phobia and recurring nightmares with snakes until I started to see my mother for who she was, go no contact and heal from the abuse I suffered from her. Snake phobia and nightmares are gone. So much for the snakes!:)
Be in you body. Listen and trust your intuition. The first time you meet anyone. That is the clue. Both my exes completely turned me off the very first time I met them and they are covert narcissist capricorns. Yuck. (That was my feeling...yuck). But their fake charisma and fake shyness got me. Yuck. Self love and self work (identifying my triggers and resolving is key to elevating).
O. Tella It is possible to meet people who generate no red flags. They are out there. Wait for the good ones.
Yes to everything you stated above!!! I've experienced this with two Capricorns as well - the devil incarnate!
Wow. Yes 💛🖤
Very nice clues listed here for the covert narc. I have noticed also that the covert can switch to overt characteristics and vice versa, under the right circumstance. Should a covert be getting enough admiration and ego fuel from enough people, a grandiose overt narcissist appears. the reverse can happen too, should the attention seeking suddenly be noticed as a negative characteristic by esteemed respected others. I am not a fan personally of drawing the parallel between those with NPD and predators: for me, this gives them too much credit and plays into their preferred power tactic of using fear. I have also heard the comparison with them and children: the opposite problem lies here: it underestimates the level of their sickness. To me they will always only be like one thing: undead zombies, sucking the life, energy and emotion out of anything they can find tasty enough to them. Pity is wasted upon them, for they are already dead to the world, they can add nothing positive to it and might as well be in their graves: they just don't realize it yet.. Nothing can be done to help them by the free will of others. Only through circumstancial accident is any change possible. And mostly, it doesn't last.
So well said. They can definitely turn from overt to covert and vice versa. And comparing them to children indeed underestimates their sickness. I'll slightly disagree with what you said about the parallel between NPDs and predators - this is a spectrum, and as such we just don't know how far on the spectrum they are. This IS the predator / malice spectrum and if we have no fear we're underestimating again.
Really interesting comment about switching from covert to overt. You are absolutely spot on. And, OMG, does my narcissistic husband panic and rush to apologise to those he upsets outside the door! Straight back to covert coverup of his true self.
Hi Ewa. Enjoy watching your videos. I have been in a 1-year-long relationship with a covert narcissist. Not long, I know, but I've been through more than I could ever imagine at the start. I am still figuring out facts as it was a complicated game to play. I believed things he said although they were all making no sense, and my gut feeling was the strongest sign of the fact that I was in the wrong place. S part of me was shouting 'run' but there was also this other part of me just not wanting to go, wanting to believe that I wasn't wasting my time. There's something about those people that is very addictive. It's still a fresh wound. After trying to leave many times, I finally managed to, but it's a matter of days only. I felt a great relief at first when he agreed to go, but now there's this feeling of emptiness and emotional pain. It's so sad knowing you loved a person that wasn't real... very painful.
I remember you mentioning in one of your videos moving to England and going to study. Thought we could perhaps meet up one day if you are close to Wiltshire. I think I found your email address that you made public knowledge before but can't find it again. Up to you, it's just an idea. Kind regards, Ella (pochodze z Polski :) )
I've been thinking what is so addictive about them. I think it's the initial love-bombing, followed by its withdrawal. Plus, they make no sense, and the human brain has a need to make sense of things (that's how our species survived). So we stay to get the love-bombing back and to make sense of them (just a hypothesis!). It's very painful indeed.
It’s the peptide addiction that makes it really hard to leave them. Even when you go no contact the body keeps claiming its dose. That’s why they are consider energy vampires. To overcome the peptide addiction is a nightmare. As the body claims the chemicals, the mind continues to ruminate about all the nasty emotional abuse they inflicted on us. Some people has claimed that is more difficult to get out of the peptide addiction than heroin. (Obviously those who had been addicted to) not my case but I can tell you that it was a nightmare. I had to quit one of my two jobs. I want it to end so bad that had suicidal thoughts. But self love and prayers kept me going. The key is to know that this vampires have a great radar to prey on people who have unresolved childhood issues. They are experts at sensing that there is a void that they can use to manipulate and play their nasty games. Once you work on reprogramming the subconscious mind that was programmed wrongfully in the 0-7 years of our life. No longer we will be a prey of this ugly vampires.
hi dancing storms. look up "stockholm syndrome" or similar
Oftentimes with coverts, they won't voice their opinions where it's necessary. Like they'll keep saying other's opinions or what someone else said or did to them and they get you to say the bad thing, oftentimes the obvious thing. The really bad ones will get you to say something bad about someone who is bugging the Narc, and then they go tell that person what you said and the Narc benefits by remaining innocent and hurting two people at once who can't call them out. So, if someone complains about their friend, lover, or boss, etc, ask them questions like "Why do you think they said that to you?" and "What is your next step" or "What did you say in response to them?" If you make people in your life accountable for what they say and how they feel, you can have a much deeper connection with them in general and it will push away the Narcs. Anyone who has suffered from others wants to take that pain away from people they like. I've had the most issues who people who I've empathized with a lot, and helped a lot, and was very protective of.
Tamara Young This. Is. So. Good.
Or you later find out that they actually don't have their own thoughts... Everything they say, is actually regurgitated from somebody else. I discovered my ex narc friend was simply passing perspectives and viewpoints between persons A to B to C. It ook me a while to recognise that topics only occurred every once in a while, like in a cycle. I soon worked out that it was because she was fractionating friendships with 3 or 4 different guys and was simply just repeating intelligent stuff from each of them.
Silver Bullet Yes, I’ve seen this.
Tamara Young Good advice. Thanks
yeah . all the time remaining unaccountable
That guy fit in all your points , omg 🤭
I remember one time that he told me: " I want you change your mind and think like me “ . 😥
they hate independent thinking
“You can talk about anything bad as long as it’s not about me” smh
Very well defined and explained, Ewa! TYSM! There is a comfortable level of compassion and well-needed validation in your presentation! Very relatable. Thank you for all the information and clarification! I won't go into my own narc trauma horror history. They are all the same since all narcs operate from the same narc handbook and all the manipulative, depraved, twisted and psychotic signs, tactics and behaviors... and our nightmare experiences are the same! Only some of the details vary! Narc abuse is Narc abuse otherwise! How addicted they were to abusing us and how addicted they got us to take it... Brainwashing, Gaslighting, Projection, The Cycle of Abuse repeatedly...Trauma bonding. I am 2 years NC finally from Narc FOO! And out of all "romance" narc relationships as well. YT has sure got it's Narc support channels and support groups. Gets better as I go. The only thing I wish is that we ALL had this education earlier! Thank YOU, Ewa! Glad I now met you! Love and Validation!
Excellent! Thank you, once again Ewa, for your thoughtful, helpful Work!!!
I'm a covert narcissist who is currently in therapy and I actually knew I was a narc for a long time before reaching out, the only reason I searched help was because the depression got to bad. I constantly felt that people didn't appreciate how great I was at everything, and eventually it got so bad I just wanted to stay inside all the time. Now that I got professional help I finally realize that I don't need my "narcissistic supply", or at least not as much as I thought before. My recovery is far from over though, just yesterday at the gym I almost passed out when I saw how good I looked in the mirror which is kind of funny, I don't think I will ever get rid of the grandiosity but I'm learning to make life easier for those around me.
Thank you for sharing!
@@SoulGPS Yes of course, If there is anything you want to know or learn I'm happy to help.
Love your honesty and good luck in your healing
Aiden Mc Laren,wow congrats on this journey.I want to help a friend right now that I believe is a narcissist how can I go about it not hurting his feelings? Any advice would be much appreciated.Thank you in advance 🙏🍀
Good to know. I think some narcissists work on it. They still scare the heck out of me, even when I meet one who I think tries to deal with it as best they can, because of all the abuse by other ones. Do you ever feel that some people won't trust you because they know you're a narc? Are you sure you're not borderline or any of the other Cluster B ones? I mean, they can sort of intertwine, with one predominant condition and another secondary one. Do you still devalue sick people, like someone with a chronic cough? Would that still spark you into deval mode?
This video is incredible! It’s my ex husband in every single detail, just hit the nail.
An excellent video! I agree with the signs you mention, and I think you did a great job of describing them. Thank you!
This is awesome. Thank you. He ticked 80% of them. OMG what I find is these type of people are truly bloody exhausting. It's like they suck the energy and good from you spiritually and mentally. Unfortunately for my ex I had harder shit in my life when I was a kid. So his motive for breaking me completely didn't work. I'm still standing BITCH! Slowly moving forward with life. It's called resilience. Had it before him and will have it after him. Life can only get better when you break from these type of people. Seriously it becomes boring after a while. I got better shit to do with my life thanks. Thank you for sharing and creating more knowledge and validation. It's awesome and what you need when you're recovering.
This list was amazing. What about the twisting of stories? They are so dishonest
Yes
Thanks Ewa. You have hit all the salient points here. Well done 👍🏻👍🏻
I think it’s important to realize that everyone has a certain level of narcissism. Simply wearing makeup, wearing an expensive watch, or taking pride in an accomplishment or ownership of a home are normal narcissist traits. The Japanese luxury car brand Lexus wasn’t sold in Japan for over a decade after it was established because culturally it was looked at narcissistic to own such a luxury vehicle.
Psychology experts, Freud and Neville Symington, studied narcissism as part of their life work. They both state that narcissism is part of human nature and there are healthy levels of it. However too much will destroy relationships.
With that being said, I have struggled with people who have NPD or indirectly by it for two decades. Having suffered deeply, I took an inward look and started looking at my personal life and seeing what parts of my life was narcissistic and what narcissistic characteristics are normal and / or acceptable. My guilt was trying to be someone important in business. My career was more important than just being me. Working 60-70hrs a week and judging others for not having enough ambition. Judging myself for not achieving enough and hurting relationships that were close to me. I own it and still learning from it.
It would be nice to see a video about normal narcissistic behavior and unhealthy behavior. We have to understand that there’s a baseline of what is a normal baseline. Most people with NPD will never even know they are the blackhole narcissist.
Lastly, if you’re suffering due to narcissist or living with someone who has been hurt by it, I urge seeking a therapist who specializes in NPD. It really is beneficial for you, your current relationships, and the rest of your life.
Big hugs to everyone watching this video.
You're talking about narcissism. Ewa is talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (so, a psychological disorder). They're not the same thing.
Thank you for stating this. NPD is so much bigger than selfies and luxurious lifestyles. These can be signs to pay attention to but it’s not even close to the end all be all. A true Narcissists enjoys hurting others. They enjoy scheming, plotting and setting situations to make you jealous.
@Popeyes not necessarily. My ex is so fucking clueless about what he's doing. He's running on pure instinct. He doesn't bother to consider how he's affecting others. He doesn't understand shit.
Doan Trinh a narcissist is not a Empath. A Empath is not narcissist. Simple. But however a empath may have flu like symptoms from dealing with these animals, but that will pass with treatment, please don’t put empaths on the same level as these animals.
My favorite part of this video- "Don't ever expect anything from them". Perfect.
I believe words can't really explain to another person that hasn't experienced it what a covert narcissist does to their victims because it just make them looks like a psychopath. ...its all intuition...you feel that these people are just not connected and have no empathy. (They have learned to walk along the living to survive)
Thank you for your last comments in your lecture. This video was very helpful in helping to verify a situation I have in common., thank you.
Great info... I had my first relationship with a Covert Cluster B (mostly BPD traits, but some NPD). Yes, they're very difficult to spot... my ex was in her 40s so she had perfected her craft of hiding who she really is (and her mental health issues) for 4 decades. I'd never met someone who's persona/mask was more carefully curated, down to social media (almost no presence to be as safe as possible), never saying anything incriminating in writing while on the other hand saving every potentially incriminating text. After a few months it gradually felt like I was dating a lawyer, not a person and certainly not a life partner. She's a victim of a horrible/abusive childhood and former marriage but the person she presents to people is nothing like who she is: again, abused as a child and in her most important intimate relationships.... and as a result she had a very weak sense of self (finding her identity through others), very low self worth, hyper-vigilant to any perceived criticism, paranoid, distrustful, etc.
Hi Sean, thanks for the post- its interesting, You mention nothing 'incriminating in writing' Did you find that in person, when not accountable, no proof etc is when incriminating things would be said? kieran
My mother got seriously ill and I was crying and distraught, my ex told me that I should grow up. That he hurt when his grandad died and it wasn't like my mother was dead.
He was obviously hurting alot more than me and because my mother was alive,I was not allowed to be upset. This is when I finally noticed who he really was.
My friend died and I was crying. My husband asked what was wrong and when I told him he said nothing but started walking around whistling cheerily. This is why I think we should be allowed to use cattle prods with them! Let's see you whistle cheerily now, you narcissistic git! Hehehe ahhh even the daydream of it makes me feel better. Lol!
because the attention was not on him. the most callous time to be nasty to you. disgusting
@@Samua3 disgusting!
@@kieransimpson4965 Yes that is the exact word...callous. He has that distinct ability to do that kind of thing yet other times he is incredibly kind. I really don't know what each day will bring. He appears to have Aspergers (eg wants to cover all the kitchen work surfaces with teatowels to stop us making any mess on the work surfaces. If we want any perfume on of any kind we have to do it outside because he has a heightened sense of smell and absolutely hates anything artificial so he will open every window in the house if we do it inside and be extremely angry over it. etc etc. It is many things) but I also detect this bizarre narcissistic cruelty that pops its head up out of the blue for no reason and that is not accidental. It is deliberate. Yes, callous. It shocks and it hurts. Or rather it did. Now I have learnt to be a lot tougher and just tell him his nastiness bores me, or something like that to let him know he is wasting his time trying to upset me. If its a bad day with him it is really hard work. If it is a good day I love it! Conflict is extremely tiring. :(
@@Samua3 well yes. For someone to laugh (or similar) when you have very bad news needs an understanding of emotion from them to think about doing the something that will hurt the other person. I believe that narcissists are really very sensitive, and explode if their 'rules' are not followed. Just to say I noticed in your first comment about the cattleprod! Understandable but obviously that is doing the same thing back which happens to us, ie thinking of them suffering from them making us suffer. Just something to point out but I think it is understandable to feel that way.
One other red flag or indicator is they passively say something below the belt with a smirk and walk on.
Yes
You hit everything right on! But my guy did a lot of "Gaslighting!!!" Part of the manipulation game after they listen and learn your weaknesses.
...
First year we were together was nothing but loveboming and falling for his victim stories which kept me confused because he would "ACT" as though he loved me but would say "I don't think I could ever love again" which triggered me to open up and love him like no other...he also would say "its your actions that mean more" so made me think he did love me just couldn't say it leaned later that it was "Gaslighting!!!!" I stayed confused though out thee entire relationship! The last year we were together the intimacy stopped along with all the other stuff (dinner, movies, walks conversations...) so I moved out and it just got super crazy....WORDS just CAN'T EXPLAIN. I trusted my intuition and began to look up toxic relationship he did say he had BPD but I think he is definitely a covert narcissist 7 months of constant daily self help videos to just get thought the deep pain. His words were lies and his emotions were just bad acting or over acting. Things were just weird most the time...and stayed in confusement even in the begging.
omg thank you !!! the "get you out of your body" point is sooooo good.
i´m dealing with a really tricky one at the moment. very very covert. you just can´t put your finger on it. always asking myself " is he helping or abusing me??" He is basically aiding my spiritual journey with abuse ...i know sounds confusing and it is....he´s kind of abusive,giving me brain fucks but it leads to the solution of a problem i have...
i almost fell for the trick, thinking that the abuse is good cause it gives me helpful solutions....what a ...aaarrrgh...but no! the solutions can be found in a loving way too...
My husband was a covert narcissist .. i had no idea about narcissism until my husband dumped me just like that after 25 years! Soon after this i was picked up by malignant narcissist.. then i searched online for help...and learnt all about narcissism!! It all made sense... and these videos helped me to 'escape' and got me thru.. but i still feel so ill from allllll the abuse
I love your perspective on life. I’m referring to your bit about people thinking they live in a simulation. You know the truth. God is the way.
Thank you so much as well and I really think you are a nice person yourself...
If people have a narcissist for a parent and then marry a narcissist, they can spend decades truly being occluded by someone else and struggling against obstacles, but if they say so to anyone, they can fit your criteria for being a covert narcissist. Is the description too general? lacking some qualifiers?
He just handed me my “lost” driver’s license! He’s stolen my mail, invitations to family weddings
One of my favorites channel here and thanks for pointing this out very important. LOL
Omg. What an insight. I somehow had the feeling my ex is a covert narcissist, now I know for sure.
Walking on eggshells is one HUGE sign...
Very deep and makes total sense!!!!
Thankyou for sharing !!
Wow, this was very informative, Thanks!!
They don't want to see you happy they're in joining to see you feeling the pain.
Thank you Ewa 💕. They go about it the same way in friendship
I want to add my view here about narc; they should be called "It". Not her or him, simply "It". Because they are not human inside, we project love trust compassion etc to these creatures but they are simply deadened themselves, killed their own selves and they only see your empathy and sympathy as vulnerability to hurt you, manipulate you, use you and don't give rats ass about you.
Covert vs overt should have more to do with *tactics* they use to manipulate others, not any personality type. Overt example is a punch in the face, it's obvious to everyone. Covert examples would be gaslighting, ostracizing a victim, throwing a party but not inviting their victim. These are covert tactics not readily detected by others.
Many of the things you describe is more fitting for a overt narcissist.
I'm pretty narcissistic myself, but I'm more aware of it than someone qualifying for the personality disorder. To me, narcissistic people is kind of easy to spot though since they are more extreme versions of myself and there for I also can relate in some ways. The thing is, my dad shares many of the traits of an overt narcissist, and it has taken me 35 years to realize that. My mom on the other hand is the opposite. So I'm kind of in between those two.
A fun fact though... Many people coming here because they think someone in their surroundings are a narcissist, are in fact narcissists themselves just projecting their own narcissism onto others. That doesn't mean they're wrong about the person though, but there's also a good chance themselves suffers from the disorder, and how would they know? They're not aware of it. Anyhow, if you're not a professional you shouldn't try to diagnosing people. You can have narcissistic traits without having narcissistic personality disorder which making videos like this pretty misleading in some ways. Narcissism is an important trait in everybodys personality. We just have different degrees of the traits.
Some of the things you describe sounds like sadism which isn't a trait that describes narcissism in particular. However, narcissistic personality disorder can-/and often overlaps with other cluster B personality disorders, but it could be something else than just narcissistic personality disorder.
People with CPTSD may look like narcissists. They are empathetic people with narc traits picked from their own family and the way they were brought up but that doesn't mean they're constantly thinking how to get advantage from everyone around.
@@Lyrielonwind Hum... Thats sounds about right. I've always been pretty hard on myself in that regard. But I think that if it wasn't for my own narcissism, I wouldn't been so easily manipulated by psychopaths who like to love bomb you and stuff like that.
you've just described my girlfriend of 4+yrs, I was sooo blind doing so much for her going over the top! Betrail by Nadia no empathy truly selfish user...tore my heart apart destroying me emotionally.... Thank you for the eye-opening video!
You are so welcome!
The narc I was with and his adult kids would deny,lie,steal,were sneaky and always playing the victim. Everything was replaceable, even people. No rules, no boundaries.
I don’t know if she totally is one, but this made me think of the one time she was telling me sort of one of the things she does to see if she can be with someone, is how would they act at a dinner or a function, if she were to become president… Another time I was so busy interacting that I didn’t stop and be like wait what president…It’s weird because thinking back it’s almost like I was in a strange fog of trying to live up to what she wanted or what she claims she wanted
I have written proof that I am a covert narcissist. If I had the money I would go to a psychologist. But if a psychologist talks to me, read my past text messages and interview of my past friends, they'll believe me too.
Watching this video just made me pinpoint and recollect these signs early on from my ex narc. Its wild, and Im kinda laughing at how predictable it is. If only I had known about these signs 6 years ago...
I cried in front of him telling him he broke my heart into two, after all the stuff he did behind my back. He came back all mean and entitled and said “no I didn’t”.
Hello Ewa. I've been watching a lot of videos about narcissistic abuse lately (& also reading up on it), and I want to say that your videos have helped me gain so much understanding and helped me heal. I still have one huge question that I've never been able to find an answer to though, and I will state that question very shortly.
Firstly, my experience of narcissistic abuse is quite an unusual one, in that it didn't come from either a parent or an intimate partner. In fact, it came from the brother of my partner. My partner died 4 years ago, and within days of her death, her brother (who I hardly knew at all) pushed his way into my life, and tried to take it over, under the pretence of 'helping' me. Being in a deep state of shock & bereavement, I couldn't see how unhealthy this was, but over the next few months, his narcissistic manipulations ended up with me losing all contact with my partner's family (& them being turned against me through him gossiping about me behind my back) so that it ended up with them scattering the ashes without inviting me or even informing me that they had done so.
I have been left deeply emotionally scarred by what he did, to the point where I feel that my anger towards him has actually derailed my grieving process, and now my dominant feelings & thoughts regarding my partner's death are now about HIS actions & how they resulted in me not getting any CLOSURE on my partner's death.
My last remaining question (that I would like to understand) regards what CAUSES a narcissistic personality. Whenever I have tried to look into this, all the 'explanations' I have read so far suggest that it's a particular parental situation (an 'abusive' parent contrasted with a compensatory 'over loving' parent) yet from everything I know about my partner & her brother's background, this was NOT the case (& in fact, my partner was the complete opposite of a narcissist). Knowing my partner's brother's life history, it seems very much that he's been on a life path where actually DEVELOPING narcissistic traits has actually HELPED him in his chosen career, and find a devoted wife (who is completely submissive to him). It could also be that some people (perhaps a tiny minority) are just born narcissists. I know this goes against all the alleged 'scientific knowledge' that wants to see a particular parental set up as the universal 'cause'.
Perhaps sometime you could make a video on the topic of the 'causes' of the narcissistic personality, as I would really like to see some alternative explanations.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. In my experience with lots of NPDs in my family, they are just born malicious and aggressive, it's genetic. You can see it in their faces even in baby photos - an anger, an emptiness. Also in my experience, we always miss those we loved and have passed (if we have a heart, that is). Time makes it a bit better but of course never erases it. Wishing you well.
@@MR-tr2fz a big part of the pain and and feelings of losing our minds is that we are trying to understand the narc perspective, causes, reasons. That is bc our reality has become so infiltrated by them that we are looking for evidence that we are not crazy. I have gone through the same process and i realized only afterwards that any focus on them is just giving away energy that we would highly need for ourselves after the experience. Log story short: focus on yourself, love yourself more than ever and don't turn your attention or compassion on them. Any focus on them will only enlarge abd prolongue the cognitive dissonance that we are left in. Take care
I am married to one. EVERYTHING they do is an act. It's so predictable. Deep down they are very empty emotionally. Being married to one is a very lonely road. Every time they violate borders there is ALWAYS an excuse why. My dog has more empathy. We start marriage counseling today. I cannot wait to see the excuses. It's going to be fun.
Good Luck. Our counselor caught on the second he opened the Narc opened his mouth...a counselor he hand picked. Walked out and never went back. Didn't like the counselor calling him out.
@steve vh Not always so easy. Financial issues so I am stuck for now.
Thank you for sharing your insights about these types of people, Soul GPS!
And for everyone else, I've included 10 more important and relevant points about exercising self-preservation with one's boundaries, which works for others and me.
1. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many ARTICLES about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!!
2. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many VIDEOS about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!!
3. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many PODCASTS about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!!
4. Send the person who continues to violate boundaries every day many AUDIO CLIPS of yourself about the social and/or legal consequences of violating boundaries so that they get the hint!!!!
5. Either video chat, call, OR speak directly with the person who continues to violate boundaries every day RATHER THAN JUST messaging or emailing the person, in which the tone of online messages can easily be misinterpreted or exaggerated than hearing one's voice!!!!
6. Whenever involved in a conversation where the person continues to dominate the conversation and censor you from expressing yourself, SET A TIMER and SHOW THAT PERSON DIRECTLY how long that person can speak AND when that person must stop speaking!!!!
7. Warn that person who continues to violate boundaries every day AHEAD OF TIME that all their contact information (home and/or work address, phone numbers, emails, video calls, messenger apps, RUclips channels, etc.) will be muted or blocked INSTEAD OF enforcing silent treatment without warning them AHEAD OF TIME!!!!
8. If you STRONGLY DISLIKE how the person continues to violate your boundaries every day, avoid expressing excessive "you" statements ("no one loves you because," "no one takes you seriously because," "you have no choice but to rot in lifelong prison because," "you deserve to face the death penalty because," etc.) in an accusatory or (passive-)aggressive manner when getting your points across!!!!
9. As a last resort, if the person who continues to violate boundaries every day is CONSTANTLY soliciting or following you around in person EVERYWHERE in your vehicle, at your house, your workplace, or your school (or somewhere else) every day to the point that your life is AT RISK or in PHYSICAL DANGER, keep your pepper spray handy, document all the direct encounters, file a restraining or protective order, and/or report them to the authorities right away!!!!
10. As an alternative, if the person who continues to violate boundaries every day begins to harass or threaten to steal your money and belongings, damage your property, or even (permanently) harm or kill themselves and/or others, just because that person DOESN'T get all their unfulfilled "wants" and "needs" met all the time, SEND THEM A DIRECTORY OF ALL THE CONTACT INFORMATION of mental health, counseling and therapy, psychological, and/or psychiatric services available!!!!
With more than 8 months of COVID-19 pandemic affecting or manipulating everyone's physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual state in different ways, whether negatively or positively, or whether dealing with physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual health matters, it is more important than ever to DIRECTLY ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES on people who continue to violate your boundaries!!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN, THE KEY IS TO EXERCISE "SELF-PRESERVATION" AT ALL TIMES, AND NO EXCUSES!!!!
I just found mine out few weeks ago, they’re evil, he always play with my emotions, thank you so much for this video
I wonder if there’s a vid regarding dealing with a covert narc who has custody of your child, and frequently uses them as a weapon against you (denying you access, etc). I’m so happy to be rid of the narc, but super depressed about not seeing my daughter. It’s tough.
hey man, feeling for you
*does it this connect to fear of being rejected or shamed ?*
Yes fear of bei g rejected is another sign of narcissist. Goodluck in your recovery journey!
The best video
Brilliant video!
Omg.....why are you talking about my mom publicly like this? 😤
Hi. Thank you for this video. It is very enlightening and helpful, to say the least. I would explain my current situation in this comment, but I'm a very private person and don't feel comfortable revealing my personal life and feelings here on this public forum. I subbed and liked. 😊
Its the most dangerous. I thought my ex is loving and kind. But it's just a mask.
Very helpful, thank you.
I have stumbled on what I would say is a covert narcissist since she meets more or less all these signs.
I have myself a lot of codependent traits and have a very hard time maintaining boundaries (but when I met the CN I thought I had good boundaries, but it is clear that I haven't) and this makes it so difficult to cut the ties. I tell her that I want to exit the relationship, but then she plays the victim and convinces me that I should stay. But I think I am getting close to cutting the trauma bond so I finally can leave...
kingsix2000 do it! And avoid a world of pain. I wasted five years of my life with one of these pieces of work, but looking back nearly all my relationships have been with narcs or emotionally inept people. Work on why you are are so addicted to painful love. My reason is my mother is a narcissist and gaslit me throughout my childhood, I was conditioned to think that was what love felt like. It is seriously better to be alone than have the life sucked out of you by these people. Read Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend (I ignored the Bible references as an atheist) it is literally a lifesaver. Also read Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD, it is like opening the door to a new world. Good luck ❤️
@@monicacruz4407 thanks Monica! Fortunately we do not cohabitate which gives me some space to clear my head from time to time. But when guilt gets a grip around my throat it is difficult. But I get a little bit closer for each and every fight as I am learning to not back down from the truths I have told about how I feel and don't feel.
Soon I will be ready to fly 🤩
@@kingsix2000 hi how are things? Have you left as of yet?
@@kieransimpson4965 thanks Kieran, I appreciate the feedback!
I tried to say this face to face to her but that proved to be too difficult as she can read me rejecting her and then her own abandonment issues does anything to hoover me back.
But I have terminated the relationship over the phone and am currently working through the guilt that has been projected on me. I am determined to be no contact, but it is difficult as the people pleasing parts of me are quite noisy.
The best argument for me to leave the relationship has been that it is a toxic cycle that makes me feel depressed and confused, which is a clear reason for me to exit. I mean, how would you motivate someone to stay with you when the relationship is the problem.
It comes down to the combination of me being a codependent people pleaser and her scoring quite high on the cluster B spectrum.
@@kingsix2000 you sound quite aware of what is happening which is good. Good to see 'the guilt being projected onto you' as you say. I have been similar in terms of codependency, looking to others for validation and have found similar issues and am working on it. Its a balance then to leave yourself open to experience when understandably being more skeptical of others.
Really good info GPS
Yo can I say something potentially dangerous? I'm Avoidant. I was with a woman who was for sure co-dependent now that I look back. Here's the thing...I feel like her co-dependency *turned* my avoidant characteristics into covert narcissism.
The reason I say that is because her constant need for validation made our emotional conversations into almost a cat-and-mouse game of her wanting...and wanting...and wanting my emotional feedback and me trying to simultaneously maintain selfhood while also trying to keep her.
Frankly it made her annoying in a way that was EXTREMELY difficult to verbalize. And because I didn't have that language, I also didn't have a solid reason to not want to be with her anymore.
I once described it to a friend as having a shirt with like that *one spot* that is extremely irritating on your skin...but the shirt looks nice! It fits! It matches all your other outfits. But whenever no ones looking you proceed to SCRATCH THE SHIT out of that spot.
And you may be saying "Well, if you're a narcissist you probably deserved it". Well, I dunno, I feel like my avoidance also brought out the covert narcissist in the person who was formally simply co-dependent. By the time we broke up she was WAYYYYY worse than I ever was. Like, much closer to the type of person described in this video, down to that REALLY ugly moment when the mask finally comes off and there's nothing but anger and hate. Maybe learned a lot from me, but there were DEEP childhood wounds with her that went so far beyond anything I was able to deal with.
Basically, I think the idea that Narcissism can also come in waves needs to be taken seriously. It's not just that it's a spectrum, narcissism can indeed be triggered, relapsed, improved, etc.
They're not aware of doing this though, correct? They're doing it unconsciously?
I just spent 3 years on and off with one. She knew I was in to psychology early on too. I loved her story because and I consider a relationship to a place of mutual growth, and the story was literally about her trauma. Typical INFP here btw. I got to know her family so the story is true, which makes me struggle to accept there's nothing I can do to help her work through it, especially now that I'm detached emotionally. Before we ended she had calmed down significantly, and isn't as hypersensitive anymore. She's more aware of her trauma then ever before, if there ever was any awareness before at all.
The deflection never did really affect me much, or at least I thought so. I could see there was no rationality to what she said, or what she accused me of. But over time it certainly gets to be too much. In the end it affected my own identity in that my interests were totally shut down so I'm in a process of waking up to myself so to speak. Emotionally, I was closed off to other people in my life way too much because I was so focused on her and us. And the anger? Jesus Christ, I've never been so angry in my life, and it pervaded my life for some time and I didn't realize where it came from. I figured it was arising out of working too much and other stresses from an introvert living extrovertedly way too much. In other words, new emotions to be integrated and worked on in order to grow I thought. But it's obvious now where it came from, and even though I was fully aware of myself the whole time, only now do I see how blind I was to my own denial.
Only in the last week I caught her in a lie and as you can well imagine, it's all my fault. Total deflection. I'm not going back, but I certainly care enough to want to help prevent her from destroying every relationship for the rest of her life. The key of course is her opening up to the pain of her trauma I guess, but, needless to say, that's some well protected emotional content right there. I find it disturbing to have witnessed someone suffer in that way. Like I said, her abuse is a joke to deal with if you're able to regulate your own emotions well, and are analytical at all, but you can't be emotionally attached, that can't work at all.
i wish i knew last year.i was hooked until recently since January 2018
I'm a bit confused, my narc family have often got in the way of me reaching my potential because I spent years and years looking after others and feeling guilty or ashamed and gaslighted into believing they weren't creating problems that I was spending time trying to figure out until i finally got out. This makes me fit the description at the beginning...does that mean I'm a covert narc?? All this research and educating is leading me to be confused as to whether it is me that is the problem or not..
I'm confused too, I fucked up so badly In my first relationship. I've learned loads since then but some things she says I relate too and some things I relate to him
@@bookdeannow same. Its all so confusing and such a minefield to navigate through. I wanted answers but geez...careful what I wish for. I'm hoping over time (and with distance from abuse!) things become clearer
This is spot on
Thank you for this ❤
Exactly what this narc did he pushed my boundaries shredded me and stood back folded his arms smirked. Yes I was told by this male narc I was not allowed to talk in the car with him. This was on a three hour ride down and a appointment for a hearing aid in Denver a hour and a half down while a half hour in he planned to jump out of the car he this leaving me on the side of the road to go see his mistress we had been married 30 years. Yes this is the ex wife of this narcissist that has hacked my phone I cannot even use my phone under my you tube.
Now it makes sense thank you : )
Everything revolves around money for my covert narc MIL. She would always try and compete with my husband over things she has bought, that he allegedly can't afford (how twisted is that?). We went NC at lockdown. She is going nuts 😃
I am landlady, ex b4 her a bit less worse caused this bad with her to be worse or whatever. Getting delivered. Also, synagouge religious haughty, etc, Spirit. I went back to synagouge, a blessing, but still 2 leaders sour it. I just need to be in joy that can't be moved. Not steal my bubbliness passion enthusiastic excitement & illusions.