At 45, I'd say that men definitely get mixed messages from women. We're not supposed to call/text too soon because it makes us look desperate and needy (but actually we ARE supposed to do that to prove we're interested). We're not supposed to act too cocky and pretend that we're the only guy for her (but actually we ARE supposed to do that because it projects self-confidence). Dating is utter chaos, there's nothing to rely on. Just shower every day, treat women like humans and after that: Good goddamn luck, buddy, you're gonna need it
I love this post. I separated from my husband after 18 years. Dating in my mid-40’s, I don’t have patience for games. I treat men with respect. I don’t expect you to pay for everything. And I think it’s ok to chat and text whenever you want.
Just do what feels natural and you'll eventually attract a person who feels the same way. Changing who you are to suit someone else will only set you up for a lifetime of having to change yourself.
Back when I dated, I would wait to text/call a girl to not come across as too eager or aggressive. It was a huge surprise when I learned girls did not interpret my delay the same way.
Same here. I was taught that if you called a girl the same day as meeting them, then you’re either going to come off cross like you’re creepy and stalker-ish, or you’re gonna make her think that all you want to do is get under her skirt.
Yes, 1-3 days to not seem "weak" was the "bro" explanation, thankfully I'm a communicative person so I didn't follow that advice. It just seemed like others trying to sabotage your luck with the dates, for crap and giggles.
Yeah, this advice is so common that it surprises me when people think it's weird for a guy to wait a few days. Call the same day, and you are either a creepy stalker or super desperate loser guy. Wait a few days and you are a disinterested a-hole. What the hell are we supposed to do?!
Funny I can't tell you the number of women that tell me they're turned off by a guy texting too quickly as it comes across too eager/simping. You just can't win.
Here's a story of being late for a first date. We met online, so hadn't met in person. Set up a first date for a restaurant located on a particular road. What I didn't realize is that they had moved down the road since the last time I was there. So I arrive early...to a dark building and an empty parking lot. I was able to search and find out that it had moved and raced down to the new location. I hadn't programed her number into my phone (this is pre-smart phone days). Got there about 15 minutes late. Rushed in and located the angry looking lady. She had ordered some food to go, but once I explained what had happened, she was willing to eat with me. She knew that the place had moved, and said that she wondered if that's what had happened. After the meal, we ended up talking in the parking lot for another hour afterwards, hit it off, and we are still married to this day.
I just turned 47 today. Last spring I went out on my first date in many years. We met for coffee and I told her I was excited to be on a date with her. She let me know she saw that as a negative and despite things going very well I never got a second date. Guys tend to hold back because even when we show genuine interest y’all see it as creepy and desperate. THAT is why we don’t text for a few days because we might blow it.
Dude, that woman just told her what she is about. That is your way of vetting a woman as a good partner. Keep being genuine and straightforward without pressuring. Women who are turned off by genuine interest are not women you want to date. She did you a favor.
I'm 42, recently divorced 6 months ago, and decided to try a dating app. I was surprised to find someone else in my rural town of 8000. First date went well enough that she asked me for date #2. Second date went REALLY well, and we basically meandered around together for 5 hours. Planning date 3 we were just going to watch a DVD at my house. She sent a moderately suggestive text suggesting possible intimacy if I play my cards right. Date night comes.... She ghosted me. Still haven't gotten a reply or call and it's been over a week.
@@madrabbit9007 UPDATE TIME! Living in a small town has its advantages, as her apartment is only about 7 blocks from my business and I know people in the complex. She was dating multiple guys simultaneously. If I had to guess, looks like I was her "fall back option". She weeded out the flakes, then picked from the best of what's left. While I get it, it's kind-of scummy behavior to me. She never mentioned seeing anyone else. Thank God I didn't sleep with her yet, as I'm sure I'm not the only one and "don't worry about it, I'm on birth control" doesn't help with disease.
"I'm afraid I'm going to blow it" is similar to "Do I look fat in this?". It's just insecurity bubbling up and how do you treat insecurity? With assurance.
This Insecurity isn't a thing that should be met with disdain or contempt. It's awesome if your man is a rock, I feel for the guys who act as a rock because they feel they have to. A little support goes a long way. I know from experience. Just the confidence of "I was able to show my insecure side and my world didn't implode" makes dealing with future insecurities easier. It's literally what they do in therapy. I hate this culture of "ooh, oof, better not show a hint of insecurity!"
It is very much appreciated that you actually would tell a guy "I like talking, I don't mind if you text me a lot." Most women just expect the man to know that they like being texted and won't say anything about it. Or they will expect the man to know they DON'T like being texted and won't say anything about it. Given those two options, it makes sense men would go for the safer option and not pester her all day and potentially drive her off by being too clingy. People need to just say what they want already.
This may be a really hot take, but what's wrong with me (the guy) communicating that I tend to say hey at random times and maybe sometimes share something I find humorous. Worst case scenario, she blows me off on a date I would have had to pay for anyway. It sucks, have some bad feels, I take the date money and buy myself a pizza and play some video games to forget about it. I'm not going to be any less chatty after the first date, right?
"You don't do X on the first date" So here's the thing. We are humans, not robots, our lives are not completely set in stone, accidents and some weird circumstance that change the contex of our actions can always happen Being late on a first date and being late on a first date because of traffic, and immediately warning the date are totally different If you can't deal with a 5 minute delay over traffic with the other person warning you you are just an asshole
For real! 5 minutes late, whatever. If you're going to be an hour late or something then sure. Being WAY late can certainly be a problem, but if they freak out over 5-10 minutes you're dodging a bullet.
I've been there. Checked Google Maps the day before the date and it's 15mins away. Get ready to leave and be there 10 mins early and all of a sudden I realize it actually will take 25mins because traffic is different from when I checked. Nothing I can about it at this point, but screenshot an ETA and say "I should get there on time but I may be late if traffic acts up". Most normal people are like "ok sounds good"
I fully agree with your take on the being late to a date thing, but I would like to point out I believe what he tried to express in his initial video is that when he went to inform her he was going to be late, she informed him that she was not going to show up to the date before he had even sent the text, because he didn't confirm that morning and hadn't texted her enough.
I've pretty much had sex with every woman I've dated, on the first date, and none of those relationships lasted more than a few months, except the long-distance one. Might just be something to that lol
@@Nerobyrne it's not really what you do on the date, it's more about who you're with on the date. Granted, it's kind of a yellow flag if somebody's happy to have sex on the first date. Not quite turn and run, but be cautious.
I remember waiting for a woman for a first date, and there was another chap standing nearby he was waiting on a date too. 15 minutes go by, neither of our dates have shown up. 20 minutes we're looking at each other like "no luck, mate? Yeah me neither". 25 minutes we start talking shooting the shit and decide we might as well get a couple of pints while we do so. Over an hour late I get the "sorry I'm late where are you?" text and I tell her to go do one. My new drinking buddy confesses to me that he's gay his date was a man, but he knew I wasn't he understood we're just 2 dudes having a beer. and I tell him that's cool I'm not judging anyone's private life. He suggests going to this gay bar and he explains that all the men are gay, but most of the women are straight, so he can meet some guys and I've got zero competition for the ladies. I'm 2 pints in at this point so I'll agree to anything. He gets me into the bar and this girl is there with her gay guy friend. He takes the friend and I chat up the girl. He went home with the guy and I went home with her, and she was way hotter than my original date. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons. I never did see him again after that, but best wing man I ever had. Just goes to show if one plan doesn't work out you never know what else will transpire.
Not at all clear yet which one of the two is more willing to put a lot of work into making relationships work. He’s the one who is less likely to be dependable, but we don’t know. She’s the one who is more likely to make tons of false assumptions about people based on minimal info, but we don’t know.
I relate to this guy very strongly. Dated in my 40's and am a army veteran. I learned very quickly that waiting 24-48 hours seems to be a good thing to text or call to ask for the date. I also found that in general a follow-up text around the halfway point between scheduling the date and the date was helpful. Being less than 15 minutes late should be okay. Life happens but I personally try to be 15 minutes early and just park around the block and wait and gather my thoughts. Of course that part is just me I do that before work almost everyday as well I call it my zen time it helps me center myself and focus on the moment.
If 5-10 minutes late is a deal breaker, I'm happy to let them remove themselves from my life. Life happens. Traffic happens. I don't control other people's traffic collisions and I don't set the road work construction schedules. If someone isn't mature enough to understand that, well good luck with that divorce a few years from now.
Yet you manage to be on time for your job, accounting for all those things (I hope). Yes, the first date should be treated with special care, and being on time should be far more of a priority than your average Monday morning. Yes, collisions should be a special case, but a regular traffic log? You should have the planning skills of an adult by the time you are in your 40s and account for that.
@alexeimartina2251 Give me a break. You aren't 5 to 10 minutes late for work on a fairly regular basis? If you tell me you aren't, I'm calling you a liar. If a traffic accident happens right just front of you, you're going to be late. Any woman who leaves because you're ten minutes late is a woman who is too uptight for words and you don't want to be with in the first place.
@@alexeimartina2251 I see you are not, in fact, mature enough to understand that life happens and that I don't control the universe. Don't worry, one day when you're all growed up, you'll get it.
I'm jumping in before watching the entire video, but I always waited a few days before calling/texting a girl. Why? To avoid putting out those ill-defined "stalker" vibes that men get accused of so easily these days. Hell, I was accused of stalking by some female back when I was fresh out of high school. Why? Because I would say hello to her when passing by during my work day. So ladies, don't complain that men don't talk to you anymore. You have been telling us not to even look at you for years now. We are simply doing what you've been screeching for us to do all this time: ignore your existence. *UPDATE:* To those who responded by automatically assuming I must be guilty of sexual harassment, I'd just like to say a heart felt *THANK YOU* for proving my point for me! Now feel free to go kick rocks!
Nah. You've got it twisted up in your head. Text them immediately. Don't go confessing your love or anything but text them. If they don't like it or don't text back, simply move on. Playing games in dating is just silly.
@@davddd81you're right. If they have ANY requirements regarding how often/when you should text them, lose their number. They are an awful person and not worth messing with.
@@williameldridge9382 I mean, 'ANY' is a bit extreme. I feel like having a requirement of "less than like 50 unresponded-to texts per day" is pretty reasonable, cus then you're just spamming them basically. But if it's vague shit like don't text me "too often" or "too much" or "make sure you text me but like not in a weird amt" then yeah, ridiculous requirements.
Here's the thing that bothers me about this whole thing. People are dragging him for doing precisely what women do constantly on social media (and are often applauded/given sympathy for it), vent about a shitty experience they had. What's more, expecting constant communication from an adult before your first date is mind boggling to me. If the guy/girl you've scheduled a date with isn't texting you as much as you'd like, how the fuck is he/she supposed to know? If you can't communicate that preference up front, or be a little more understandable until after the date, then there is something wrong with you.
@@kevinharris4058 She's the woman she never texts first, that would make her look like she likes him more than he likes her. Everything is a game to women so best to leave them to their bitter games & find the ones that actually grow up into functional adults.
I was 12 minutes late on a first date to which she was livid. I explained I planned on being 10-15 minutes early but there was a bad car wreck. I could go a different route because there were lots of cars behind me and I couldn’t move. She swore and me, loudly, and walked out. She called me 2 days later and said she confirmed I wasn’t lying about the wreck so we could go out again. I PASSED! I had photos of the wreck on the first date but she refused to look at them, she was too busy screaming at me. She has contacted me more than 10 times wanting to go out. I ignore all attempts as I made my point very clear the first time she called me back. There ARE reasons one can be late, they should be verifiable, but they shouldn’t be held against someone when they had no control over circumstances.
it's always easier to hate on the enlisted. No one gives a shit that disobeying orders will fuck up your post-army life, especially if you get a severe disability in the line of duty because the hypocrite who calls himself your superior officer knowingly sent you into a no-win scenario.
As a woman almost 40, I am with this guy on the not texting leading up to the date. I HATE small talk, and not a huge fan of texting people I don't know. Wait until after the date to start that. I think this is another one of those highly personal things where he just needs to do what comes naturally and if she doesn't like it then they're not compatible. Move on.
Men often get very unenthusiastic about dating because we’re trying not to get our hopes up. You CANNOT keep building up that kind of confidence towards a relationship prospect while dealing with the endless rejection from modern women. Doing so will destroy your confidence and self esteem. And I’m sure many men have dealt with the frustration of finding a woman that you click with and all seems like it’s going well, so you allow yourself to get your hopes a little just to have her immediately kick you to the curb or ghost you. A lot of women suddenly get turned off when you show enthusiasm. It’s taught me to never get my hopes up with a woman cuz she’ll immediately dash those hopes. You ladies never give a thought to how you treat men or what kind of message you’re sending them. That message is: “Good men are better off alone.”
Even just in friendships girls are like this. Was friends woth a lesbian girl for long enough to help her a bunch with some issues and now she just ignores me or is just cold and cruel. Not sure what happened but I've been dropped enough by girls to just assume I'm dead to her lol
I think online dating sucks for both sides - it's not any easier for women. I understand guys being discouraged but if I get 400 "hi" messages with not one person showing any effort I feel like shit too. The guys get discouraged because It'll be the 400s of Hi's they sent without response. Nobody's winning when it's a numbers and mindgames sort of a deal.
@@margodphd You're literally being showered in attention and you go "Ugh, not good enough." Sorry but yeah, normal HUMAN CONVERSATION starts with a greeting. Go outside, touch grass. As a gay guy, this is NOT an issue in the gay community. Even for those gay guys that get 400 messages.
As a navy veteran, I am so proud of people like yourself who take a stand against the rampant stereotyping we suffer from, i.e., "all veterans are grapists and baby killers". You made my day, thanks 😊
@@hellfire66683 sarge, I would say the positive attitudes you've experienced are a product of where YOU lived. I have one side of my family still says our loud that one day I'm going to snap and hurt somebody just cause I served my tour of duty and got out.
I spent 25 years in the army, never once called a baby killer. A guy who grew up around the corner, did one year before being un-enlisted (I don’t know how or why, never asked). Every time I run into him, he mentions how hard it is being a veteran and how people call him baby killer. I think some people mistake shit they’ve seen in war movies for real life.
The "I could not have told you I was gonna be late" was about how if he hadn't texted he was running late, he would have arrived late and they would be at the pizza place instead of just turning back midway and going home.
I'll caveat this by saying it has been over 12 years since I've been on a first date. However, when my wife and I were setting up our first date, I called her (not texted) to set up the date for the following week. I texted her the night before to confirm we were still on for the following day. Those were the 2 communications that happened that week. In my opinion, his only mistake was confirming a few days too early, but nonetheless he got a confirmation. Frankly, it sounds like she simply forgot about the date entirely and was throwing it on him for not reminding her repeatedly about it throughout the week. If that is the case, bullet dodged on his part.
I have a few thoughts: You might wait a few days so as to not seem stalkerish. And because when over 40, it’s *really* hard to tell if a woman is interested in dating, or just thinking you’d be a cool opposite-sex friend to hang out with. (I have more female than male friends, eg.) “I’m probably going to blow it” means “It’s impossible to know over text or even a phone call how my overtures are landing. I can so easily misinterpret her responses and respond in a way that offends her. Better to be in person and get a sense of what kind of interactions she’s comfortable with first.” Being late: You can’t be too early, either. I’ve waited in my car to be sure I’m neither. Texting leading up to the date: It is *so* dependent on the individual, especially in the GenX cohort. Some women will take it as thoughtful; others as over-familiar and stalkerish. It’s impossible to predict, and so you try for a happy medium. About a pizza place: I think I’ve seen roughly a b’zillion videos (including one by you, I think!) talking about how women don’t like choosing dinner. “Oh, you go ahead and choose.” I personally wouldn’t choose a pizza place, but if she put it on him, why do people get to complain about the choice? I think I’ve gone on long enough. 😊
I like this one a lot: “I’m probably going to blow it” means “It’s impossible to know over text or even a phone call how my overtures are landing. I can so easily misinterpret her responses and respond in a way that offends her. Better to be in person and get a sense of what kind of interactions she’s comfortable with first.” Talking via text only is possible the hardest thing to do as a social activity - and doing that with someone you basically do not know is just a recipe for misunderstandings. As you get older, it's not getting easier.
@@kyx5631 Thanks. And I couldn't agree more. I'm a _professional writer_ and still get misinterpreted over text by people who know me really well. How much worse must it be for people who don't know each other much at all!
He got further than I ever got. I was on dating apps for a year and the furthest I got was the girl agreeing to meet with me, then when I asked what time/place would work best for her, I never hear from them again. This happened enough times that I gave up on dating apps altogether. Waste of time.
@@OmniscientWarrior Also giving them multiple options is great too, it's easier for them to pick one of the times you have given her than replying "that doesn't work for me" and having to figure it out from there.
@@OmniscientWarrior Would it kill them to say that? If they can't be bothered to throw me a bone when they know I know literally nothing about them and what they like, then they must not be that interested. Yet another example of my time being wasted.
I took a woman out that I took to dinner , She excused herself to the restroom , 20 minutes later I discover she is at bar flirting with bartender and had charged drinks to my table , I paid appetizer and 1st drinks , I'm not buying drinks for a 304 to flirt with a bartender
Taking the number : Yeah we wait, because contacting too soon comes across as desperate. Women have options. Average guys have (less than) one shot. 5-10 with notification is fine. All sorts of things can happen. Traffic. Someone gets in the way. Preference is to be on time. It's not a good look for lateness. Texting during the week before first date? Nah. I'm working. I'm busy. The time is locked in. Why do I need to text? In certain work spaces, we are not allowed cellphones on the floor so we can't anyway. 2nd : We've been told that lots of communicating comes across as needy. Each woman is different. So if the woman says "Hey I like texting lots" that would be better. Mens standards: Nope. We are having standards. Women's opinions dont matter on this. Utterly irrelevant. Men MUST have standards, otherwise they are still boys.
Women who think its "desperate" if you text them, aren't interested in you to begin with. And personally as a man, if a woman didn't show me through the way she was texting that she was interested in me, I just wouldn't bother with her. I know how it feels when a woman wants me. And I won't have it any other way. Period.
@@AliothAncalagon That's very true, if a woman is interested she'll be fine with you texting back quickly, as long as you don't get clingy or weird, and as long as the replies aren't INSTANT.
I posted on another that reacted to this same video. What I stated on that video is this: I work in Couples Counseling and there is a fundamental difference between how men and women communicate. Women have to stay in constant communication over every little thing. it's ingrained in them to do this as during cave people and tribal times women stayed close to home and took care of the children (we've confirmed this though observation of primitive tribes that still exist). And while their home area were usually fairly safe, there were still occasional dangers like predators. So the women would constantly keep within voice distance and constantly be calling out to each other. So that since they could keep hearing each other, they knew that they were still safe. this has carried over to modern day where women are constantly calling each other. usually multiple times a day, even though nothing has really happened between calls to each other. Men on the other hand don't really keep checking up after plans were made. this comes from when men were in hunting parties. it was very common that the main party would split in order to surround a prey, so the would make the plans on how to trap and attack the prey or where they would meet back up. then they would be out of contact for hours or even days or weeks at a time and execute the plans as they were made before splitting up. for men to not be where they were supposed to be at the time they were supposed to be could be bad or even deadly. they prey could be lost or a hunter or more could be hurt or killed if the other hunters weren't there to help out at the right time. so men were very strict on how they plans were done and it was considered very important for them to execute those plans exactly. there was no way for them to reconfirm plans multiple times a day, so they had to carry out the plans on time without having contact with the other party. This has carried out in modern day as men make plans and once made, they will follow through UNLESS something happens to affect those plans, THEN a man will make contact to update the person on the change. A guy can make plans with a friend for 20 years in the future and never say another word to each other again. Then in 20 years they will both show up at the right time and meet at the right place. this is just ONE way how men and women differ in their communication.
Thanks! Please keep doing what you're doing! I'm 47, and you both help me understand things and realize things I was, sadly, oblivious to. I also immediately respect anyone who is into any form of martial arts. But, too late to make a long story short, you're awesome, as is your husband when I've both of you. Just keep on rockin' 🤘 and again, thanks for doing what you do 🙌🙏🤘
one of my best friends was 3 hours late to a first date (ON VALENTINE'S DAY, no less), and his date stuck around and waited for him - they've been together for years now, and they just got married...goes to show that love and dating and relationships isn't at all by-the-books and formulaic, it's human just like us
I was 45 minutes late to the first date with my now-wife of 12 years. She forgave me, mainly, notably... I called her early... not after I was supposed to be there, and explained I was stuck across town, estimated when I would be there. Communication is key. But don't think she STILL reminds me I was late to our first date....😂
I think you meant to say don't think she DOESN'T STILL remind you that you were late... But yeah, this illustrates why this woman is unreasonable, and dude probably dodged a bullet.
Things do happen to cause inadvertent tardiness. I tend to show up early to things because MY punctuality is important to me. And things still can happen to make me late. However, with me, texting to warn of an issue is paramount. The "What, she wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't texted?" remark is bang on. Not knowing what's happening can severely intensify any negative feelings that may arise from the date being late. I think he may have dodged a bullet because her reaction was over the top (probably due to being stood up or feeling disrespected in the past), making me think she was just waiting to jump at any flaws in him, real or imagined. I did think he said "should" and "supposed to" way too much. Follow your own rules, man. If YOU don't live up to your principles, how can you hope anyone else will?
I believe everybody is misinterpreting the story, from his description it sounded like she had never intended to show up in the first place, because he had not contacted her. Hence the second confirmation complaint.
I'm the same way (in spades). I get stressed if I think there is any chance of being late to an appointment. When I have to go into the city, I plan to be there 2hrs early even if I have be there at 6:00AM for an 8:00 appointment. The drive is 40min but traffic can be bad. I'd rather browse the Internet for a couple of hours than be a minute late.
I'm usually 10 minutes to 10 hours early for everything. I've stood around for 7 hours straight at appointments in years past due to being so early. I arrive to work 1-2 hours early most days. I was only ever late during a blizzard once in my early 20s to work. I called ahead of time and turned out I was 1 of only 3 employee's to show up. Nobody higher up even showed up at all.
The real issue there is that women VERY rarely communicate what their expectations are around this. But they do have an expectation, and if you don't meet it without them telling you, they're done.
I straight up ask "are you comfortable with some light texting leading up to the date so we can establish mutual interests to talk about". It's worked pretty well for me.
I have had this precise experience dating in my teens, my 20s, if I’m still dating in my 30s god help me then I have no doubt I will have this experience again. I’ve had it when I’ve been communicating every day leading up to a date, when I’ve stayed silent and everything in between. I’ve had this happen when I’ve been early, on time, and late to first dates. This happens regardless of what YOU do. This speaks to problems that are solely in the other persons life. Other people will make whatever excuse they want to justify standing you up. No matter what you have and haven’t done that provides ammo for that. The takeaway: people suck and think they can treat you however they want, especially when you’re a new person in their lives.
"He's an army vet ladies, stay away." He's doing the same thing women do when they give faulty dating advice to their friends. He's mudding the social market in the hopes it knocks him up a peg or two.
She wasn't there. She stood him up. That's why she blew off the date but wanted to reschedule. That's why the talk about not confirming same-day. She wasn't there. She stood him up.
There is a double standard here. men are not allowed to be late, while at the same time women are permitted to be super late like an hour plus late, and we are just supposed to be ok with it.
“Dating in my 40s is like waiting for the guillotine” Damn the dramatic nature of that comment made my empathy kick in. good thing I met my true love/husband in my twenties 😫
Regarding the "If I hadn't told you..." comment: What I heard, and what I think he might have been trying to say (with benefit of the doubt) is "If I hadn't told you, you _would_ have been mad", but his words slipped and said "wouldn't" instead of "would". I thought he was coming from an angle of "I didn't want you to get to the restaurant, me not being there, and you thinking I had ghosted you. Therefore, I sent a text to let you know I'm on the way and not to worry." As for being late, depending on how big of a city you're in, 5-10 minutes late could easily be attributed to bad traffic, inability to find parking, or finding parking several blocks away and having to walk.
My question is, what is there to discuss over text once a date has been arranged and confirmed? Like, this person is (supposedly) a complete stranger and the first date is meant to have a face to face meeting during which rapport can be established. Doing that over text is way weirder to me since, unlike the date, it amounts to cold calling someone without the connection of having met face to face. That said, what do I know.
I'm an IT guy so I'm already around a device. I like texting before dates because it's a great way to get to know them. I'm not all concerned with not looking "masculine". Now I have had multiple women I've dated tell me they are ending it because I wasn't "masculine enough". I'm so glad I dodged those bullets, and my wife loves me for me. I used to study couples therapy, I was only 1 of 2 men in the research group. When we were reviewing footage, EVERY time we had a couple with a man who was emotionally available. One of the women would say "God, he's such a p***y." then realize they said the quiet part loud.
You just identified the woman with toxic standards that are going to assure she's stays single for very long time. Women with that attitude are the ones that are only attracted to chads cuz they have no respect for themselves & their only frame of reference of masculinity is horrible & toxic so an emotionally intelligent man comes across as weak to her.
We've been told by society that one thing is good, but we're generally hard wired for the opposite. Then people wonder why it gets all messed up and people consider dating and relationships extremely stressful.
A word of caution, dadvocate. "If you express that you think I'm too good for you, that you're worried you're going to blow it, then why shouldn't I believe you? You've been honest so far." Is not the advice or the wisdom you think it is. EVERYONE has moments of doubt. NO ONE is so wholly sure of themselves that they believe they are infallible. I bet to this day even you have moments of "this youtube career is amazing but there's no way it'll last. Either I get cancelled or I just fade from obscurity." If you are telling men "dont approach women with the mindset you'll blow it," you are not saying "just be more confident." You are saying "just lie to her, every time you have doubts or worries or pains, just lie. She won't help you if you tell the truth, she'll just leave you. Suck it up, don't ever open up, don't tell her your worries or doubts. That's pussy behavior. Real men just suck it up and lie to their partner."
I have yet to meet a married man or a guy in a long term relationship that doesn’t say something like this… I married way above my station, that she is so amazing that he can’t believe she is with him or married him. Self deprecating maybe, but shows that he feels she is so special to him.
It is one thing to think that are you lucky to have gotten your partner and a whole other thing to tell it to a woman you are dating. If my partner said something like "I would have blown it, my sarcasm is too much to handle" (like he implied), I would be offended. He doesn't know me yet. He can say something like "Hey, please let me know if my sarcasm is too much, it doesn't always translate well over text". Phrasing is everything. And saying "You are too good for me anyways" to a stranger just shows that you have some issues to work through as you are clearly putting the other person on a pedastal.
I wouldn't say it out of the blue, but what if my wife has just nursed me through a stomach flu? A "you're too good for me" isn't inappropriate, it's a different way of showing gratitude for something you did.
I'm 48 and haven't dated since 38. I learned a long time ago that something is wrong with me that repels all women. I gave up, and I'm too depressed already to throw constant unyielding rejection that is dating on to the pile. I don't need to be told by women that I'll never be good enough for them - the message is well internalized at this point.
Hmm, women get annoyed with me and it really doesn't bother me because I think I'm probably not supposed to last with a woman and I don't worry too much about it. If I get bored, I'll go on a date and it probably won't work out, but it gives me something to do for an evening.
I am 50 and been widower since 2020. All I have seen the past year have made my decided to never date again.
Год назад+12
I'm sorry that has been your experience, my man. If you didn't do well with dating ten years ago, you probably should keep away from dating now... at least that's what I hear from men in the dating market. I'm fortunate enough to be in a long term relationship and I don't think I'd be much interested in dating if I were to find myself single again. Just don't tie your self-worth to how interested women are in dating you!
@ I was homeless on the streets from 2003 to 2015(cause of my ex wife). Then I only got about 5 years before my L.F. passed away (we were never able to marry). If it wasn't for our daughter I wood be a woods hermit.
As a recently single 42m I cringe at the thought of dating in my 40s. Mainly because of growing up isolated and not learning social skills that most others did, but also because of the extreme feminism going on these days.
The amount of effort we put in to not appear 'desperate' early on explains a lot of things. especially lat 30s and 40s. You dont wanna jump right into texting after getting her number "so as not to seem desperate." Same rules and not over texting without responses.
You say women want a man to present confidently, but my ex was the opposite. She seemed to like me more when I was self-doubting and not sure about the future. The troubles started in our relationship when my career took a major upward swing and I suddenly felt a lot more confident about myself. The more I talked about our future, the less she seemed to want to be a part of it, until things fell apart.
You can't really make blanket statements about any group of people. "All dudes love ass". Sure many (maybe most) do love ass but some don't. Statements with qualifiers like "most dudes love ass" would make it more right. Everybody is different in their own way and if the Internet has taught me anything, if something exists there is someone who finds it appealing.
@@Kyle496 Agreed, its like saying all (insert minority group) have poor parenting skills and are violent. Grouping people was something useful back in early tribal days but now its just an unconscious bias that hurts our ability to communicate.
At that point either her "reclamation project" was done so she lost interest, or you were going to eclipse her as you grow which didn't appeal to her at all. Sorry for you going through that. Glad your career took off.
One: she had done NOTHING to earn that level of time or attention. This was a FIRST DATE. Not her boyfriend. Men in their 40s are busy. If you need me to call you multiple times to remind you of an agreement you made? You are a child, not an adult. As a grown man, if I tell you I’m going to be somewhere? I will be there as long as I’m still upright. The fact that she stood him up reflects poorly on her…and she lost out on a good guy. Too bad. So sad. Two: the comments shows why most of these women are still single. Men who have their lives together, just are going put up with this. They are just going to move on to someone who isn’t so toxic and entitled. Three: People need to understand the difference between what is a personal preference and what is disrespectful. This woman stood this guy up over a preference. Showing that she’s petty and immature. Especially since she expected him to read her mind.
Being late is disrespectful, in all circumstances. Unless something happened that is ENTIRELY out of your control, it says the kind of person you are if you're okay with being late. Being busy isn't an excuse for being late. It shows you have poor time management. If you're not early, you're late.
@@williameldridge9382 Not everyone works a job where they have full control of their time, and there are situations where unforseeable things happen. If someone shows up 30 min+ late (without a call), sure they are being disrespectful. But if someone is a few minutes late (with a reasonable explanation), and you’re getting bent out of shape? That’s being a bit too rigid. Which, imo, is it’s own turnoff. Because, in my experience, people who are rigid are difficult to get aling with because they need to be in control.
If a woman expects you to read her mind she is immature, and not an actual adult therefore. If she has qualms about anything she needs to learn to speak up or go away.
I find texting a bunch before I've met someone *hard*. Without having seen or heard someone irl I find it hard to read how they're responding to texts. It's not that I refuse, but I do find it hard. It's definitely worth sending the "looking forward to seeing you tomorrow at 7:30" text the evening before though! One thing that's helped me is meeting in a time range, though! If you're meeting "between 7:30 and 8:00" then get there 95% of the time at 7:30, and if I'm 5-10 minutes late it's still within expectations. And if my date arrives at 7:45 apologetic about being late I can tell her she's still arrived 15 minutes early and I'm glad to see her. Of course, I've still ended up single at 35, but I'm at least getting a few dates in before things go wrong!
I just turned 50 a few weeks ago, so I'm well versed in dating in my 40's. The phone number thing is a tough call because women are different: some want an immediate response and others will think an immediate response is too aggressive or the guy has absolutely nothing else going on, and neither of those things is very attractive.
Thankfully, dating isn’t something I need to worry about (9 years married, been together 16), but if I did, I never would. I meet through friends, and that my friends are all with their own families, I don’t see them much anymore. As for texting, I like conversations through text, but at a certain point, it gets annoying. And I OFTEN come across wrong in text, so…my wife won me over after we had a 90-minutes phone conversation I had with her while I was waking home from the auto shop, walking two miles home, decided to call her. That conversation cemented my desire to move forward with her. Overall, I simply dislike discourse that isn’t in person…and I’m an introvert.
I think something interesting to note is that he didn’t say he didn’t “start conversations” with her, he said they didn’t text. Which means she didn’t text him either. This goes for both general communication AND confirming the date. Why does she think she can hold him to such standards if she does not follow them herself.
Somewhere along the line people lost the golden rule. Instead of "treat others as you want to be treated" it shifted to "treat others as they want to be treated," but many also think this only goes one way.
Because she felt like the prize and wanted to be chased/lusted after. All that “don’t chase, attract” messaging from female self help and advice books/tiktoks/videos/articles is PREVENTING THEM from actually initiating things with someone they like, and actually hindering their GREAT POSITIVE CHANCES of being with a man they want.
Work or traffic Could cause anyone to be late for any appointment. From my generation she would be considered high maintenance. Thank God there was no social media or texting in my dating years. Also, STOP TEXTING and call people for dates people. It was a first date and already confirmed, as a 20 year older man he is not wrong from my generations pattern of dating.
@@johnserosanguineous1886 the dude in this video wasn't dating some worthless genZphuck! Jesus I'm sick and tired of hearing what genZ *CANT DO OR CANT COPE WITH*
Tardiness (less than 10 minutes late) to a first date is like tardiness to an interview. It is VERY bad form, and can border on disrespect if you do not handle it correctly. We all know that life can be unpredictable, and things happen -- traffic, flat tire, etc. The test is how you handle it. There are ways to help salvage the situation when you are late. 1 Plan ahead. You should have left AT LEAST 10-15 minutes earlier than necessary to be on time, so a 20 minute problem will only make you 5 minutes late. If you text when you leave that you are on the way and looking forward to it, you do not come across as irresponsible if something goes wrong. 2 Give ADVANCE notice. You have to warn the person that you might be late BEFORE the appointed time. Do this as early as possible. This is adjacent to rescheduling the time by 5 minutes.. 3 CALL! Do not text that you will be late. This way you have a better avenue to ensure the person feels valued and respected. It give you the opportunity to communicate that you really are looking forward to the date, and that you are excited to spend time with this person. 4 Do not ask to reschedule to another day. That just sounds like you are not invested, and are trying to get out of the commitment. 5 Some of the impact of tardiness is that the date doubts that you actually want to spend time with her/him. Be AWESOME upon arrival. You had better put effort into being worth waiting for. 6 Be forgiving of your date's imperfections, too. If your date is cranky or rude about your tardiness, that is fair, so do not be indignant. Remember, you are late, and you in the wrong,
I'm nervous 😂 umm I love what you do so much. I am a trans woman who has always loved men being themselves. Dads are adorable. I hate false accusations of toxic masculinity. I hate the trends of humiliating and dehumanizing men. You are the first RUclipsr that I got a paid subscription to. I am just starting out as a content creator and, inspired by you, I want to do something similar.
I’m in the camp of keeping texting to a reasonable minimum. Mainly because it makes me feel like I’ll exhaust conversation topics during the date itself. Rather talk face to face. However, going silent after setting up the date until you need to say you’re running late is a bit much. Alternative: - Ask her out - Set a date and time, not a place - On the day of the date, confirm and figure out the details. This way you still keep the texting to a minumum, but still show you’re committed to the date. Plus, you’ll weed out flakers because they probably won’t respond at all.
My issue with all the pushback against the 'lack of texting' before the date is this... It's fair to assume that these two people don't know each other. Maybe they met in a grocery checkout line, thought each other were attractive, and were at least interested enough to learn more. There is little rapport and there little to go on for conversation. While texting you lose a ton of intonation and inflection and, until you get to know that person more, you won't be able to recognize their intent in text. You learn those things from interacting with them *in person*. Hell, my best friend and I have known each other for 25 years and still sometimes get wires crossed in text. Moreover, with just a base level 'this person is hot' metric - you can think that about a stranger on the street you've never even said hello to. Would you devote extra time out of your busy day to text a stranger you know nothing about? (this is rhetorical...). Time, especially in your 40's, is a valuable commodity. Once I've learned more about you and I feel you are worthy of my time then you can have it and, vice versa I respect your time as well, so I will not waste it I don't feel a connection. Once those initial hurdles are cleared, I'll be more than happy to continue to give my time to you and match/mirror your time investment into me as well. Some people this exchange is rapid, some people its a slower burn - both are OK. TLDR: first date is a fact-finding mission to see if someone is even worth your time. It's an interview for stock purchase into your time - which is one of the most valuable things you own.
Also, the woman have a responsibility to engage as well. If she wants her potential partner to text her, maybe it is smart to... you know, start a text conversation? I understand if you try to text and you get "Mhm" and "yeah" to everything you send, of course a date won't work out. But you can't just be this passive sludge that doesn't do anything to try and build the relationship and then be angry that he didn't engage.
Don't text too much *or* too little. _Be a mind reader._ If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late. And if you're late, you're fired. Communication is key. He texted that he was running late. Could be have managed his time better? Perhaps. But traffic can be fickle. Lately I've had to deal with multiple construction projects along most, if not all, of the ways from my home to work. Some of those detours also have detours, with fresh construction or utility pole work popping up and closing off yet another road. And then there's a train. *Seriously* ⁉️ I'm just trying to get to work. But saying that _we'll have to reschedule_ for texting that he'd be 5 to 10 minutes late? I don't know about y'all, but I'm not scheduling anything else on a date night. Apparently she had other plans immediately after their appointment. It was supposed to be a casual pizza date at an outdoor place, wtf.
The reschedule remark and complaining about not confirming on the day made me immediately think she was never going to turn up, either forgot herself or changed her mind and was looking for an excuse to push the blame. If you are planning an evening then ten minutes shouldn't make a difference and unless the travel distances were very different she should have already been on her way as well.
The woman blew off the date because she was never gonna show up. His "I'm gonna be late" call just gave her a perfect excuse to put the blame elsewhere.
I remember growing up in the 90’s a lot of tv shows like friends made a big deal about guys waiting before they call the girl because they didn’t want to seem needy or desperate. I’m in my 30’s so a gentleman in his 40’s probably grew up hearing that kind of strategy and incorporated into his dating habits.
@ If you tolerate double standards you are part of the problem. If she expects you to be on time period, then you do the same. You ghost her and move on, her loss. Toxic people are not worth the time of day, much worse if its a potential future partner whose toxic.
9 месяцев назад+1
@@user-gz4ve8mw9l, yeah I was being sarcastic as indicated by the winking smiley, but maybe I should've ended my comment with my patented _"because that's equality! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯",_ to really drive home the sarcasm.
The 3 day waiting period is a time honored tradition among dudes. It's considered the appropriate distance from getting the number so you still appear interested, but not desperate. It would make sense that you don't understand this as it's likely never applied to you lol.
@@jakobroynon-fisher9535 that also. One time I was dating this girl for a couple months and I mentioned I had a VA appointment to go to and that was her response. I cut ties with her since every discussion we’d have together and I gave my point of view was different from hers she’d go “that’s the army for ya, turning normal people into monsters” and didn’t like it when I’d correct her that I was a Marine
ah i remember that crap about waiting a few days before calling back in the school days. it was considered creepy if you would call the same day you got the number. no clue why...
One of the most memorable first dates I ever had (in one of the best relationships I’ve ever had) was one where I showed up late. It was back when I was in college, and I lived about 1.7 miles from the restaurant, so I figured I’d just walk there; but I misjudged a little and ended up about 6 minutes late. When I got there, I kind of had to pee, but since she was already waiting and had already been there long enough to order a pot of tea, I didn’t want to be rude and immediately head straight to the bathroom. Fastforward 2 1/2 hours and 4 or 5 glasses of water, and my bladder was screaming. At the end of the night, I walked with her back to her car. There was a big electronic sign right outside a nearby bank that said it was 11°F out, and knowing that I had walked there, she matter-of-factly told me that she was driving me home. The conversation continued, and she was telling me a personal story most of the way back. A week later, on our second date, she told me that she thought she had scared me off because I apparently looked very uncomfortable; so I had to admit to her that I just had to pee really, really badly and we had a good laugh over it.
LOL So I am a U.S. Army Vet. Let's just say that we get a bad rap when it comes to marriage and dating for a reason. Granted this usually applies to the younger guys who end up either marrying the stripper or marrying their girlfriend just before a deployment....
@@geobooo Yup... That is about right. I lost count how many soldiers I know who did that. I do know that three of my soldiers were dumb asses though lol.
My husband and I got married in Aug 2004. He enlisted in October of 2004, deployed the first of 3 times in March 2005, and we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. But we knew each other since October 2002. We'd been together since February of 2003. But man, we saw our share of tag chasers and stripper marrying 😅
@@GenXfrom75 Nice and congrats. LOL damn I have not heard tag chaser for a long time now LOL The worst ones were officer wives. Damn depedapodomi always trying to use their husbands rank!
That reaction that if he wouldn't have told about being late she would not be angry may have comes from experiences like when somebody becomes angry at nonsense things just because you gave the permission by admitting being wrong. It is hard to differentiate if you get a lot of reactions like that.
I had a date recently text me without explanation say she can't do 6 and asked to push it back to 630. I was fine with it because she gave me ample warning about the time change.
It would actually be a huge green flag for me if she shows up late for a first date, especially if there’s an apology. Less likely to be uptight, more likely to be spontaneous, less likely to make a long string of hyperbolic assumptions about me when I show up to something late, which will definitely happen sometimes.
I'm 43, married for 13 years (still married). First wife, who left me while I was deployed ("irreconcilable differences") 17 years ago has reached out with regret... and rolled right in on complaining about dating in her 40s in the current dating scene. Sucks to suck.
Aha! I can answer this first question! Why would a man wait several days before calling a woman who gave her number? Because that was the rule when we were younger: you were required to wait 2-3 days before making that first call. Note that this man is in his 40s. That means he was in his prime dating years in the 90s or early 2000s. And at that time, the dating rule was that you had to wait. If you called the very next day, that meant you were a "stalker," and you would be immediately dumped. If you called two days later, you were pushing your luck, but you might have a chance if you were a smooth talker or the call was close enough to the weekend. Generally, three days is the ideal target, but if the guys are popular or attractive enough, they may try to push it out even further--go see the movie "Swingers," which is based entirely around this 90s dating ritual. So many of our dating "rules" are based on insecurity and fear, and designed almost entirely by teenagers. Unfortunately, most people simply never question any of these rules and just shuffle through life, mindlessly obeying whatever the other kids or authority figures are telling them. It doesn't matter how illogical or absurd these made-up rules may be. Most people will just get in line and do as they're told. Remember all those "will they, won't they" romances on television, like Friends, where the couple clearly loves one another yet are too timid and insecure to ever step up and do anything about it, for fear of rejection? That is the mindset that defines the dating scene. You have to be bold...but not TOO bold! You have to be confident...but not TOO confident! You can call the girl...but not TOO soon! Sound interested...but not TOO interested! You can bring her a single rose on the first date...but not too many roses, because that's creepy and scary! And may God Almighty have mercy on your soul if you give that woman flowers after the first date. I did that in my twenties and got promptly dumped three times in a row. Alright, then. Lesson learned. You may ask yourselves if these experiences make men overly cautious and less willing to be emotionally vulnerable, rendering them "unromantic" or "aloof" in serious relationships? Are you feeling upset that your husband doesn't bring you flowers more often or write love letters? Well, here is the reason why. Being rejected hurts. I know it's a cliche to point this out, but men are not made out of stone. We have hearts, we have feelings that can be hurt or broken. And it is never easy to put yourself forward and risk rejection. Almost always, those who are wounded will become more withdrawn and cautious, and since it is extremely fashionable for women to criticize men for being so useless (although to be fair, there are so many bad men out there, which also reflects the same lessons), this makes us far less willing to make that bold move, make that quick phone call, write that sonnet, pick those flowers, or open our hearts. In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. I suspect the dating rules on phone calls have changed today, due to social media and dating apps, which have opened a whole Pandora's Box of horrors that have turned people into narcissistic monsters. So women out there, particularly those dating middle-aged men, would be strongly advised to show a little patience, understanding and kindness. But we should always behave that way towards one another. Life is precious and short, and we all need to be loved and desired. We need more John Lennon and less Frat Boy Dudebro. PS: The idea of calling a woman the SAME DAY she gave you her number? I'm getting a mild panic attack just thinking about it, and I can be like Gomez Adams when it comes to romance. If calling the next day proved that you were a serial killer, and got your sorry butt dumped, what would the same day cost me? Again, the movie Swingers literally has this happen between the romantic leads, so go check it out. PPS: Is it "unforgivable" to be five minutes late to a first date? Are you kidding me?! Is this a joke?! Is this on the same level as cheating? Did he spend those five minutes hitting on other women? Do you have any idea what a marriage involves, how much work, dedication and sacrifice is required to make that work? If you are going to walk out on someone over five minutes--something so TRIVIAL--then you deserve to be single. You do not have the patience nor the skill set necessary for a longterm relationship. You are just looking for an excuse to fail.
Regarding the confidence thing. As a guy, I've been treated like I'm always disposable by women. Like I'm not a human being. How can you be confident if that's all you receive? Also that unless you're completely happy being alone, you are undeserving of love. I just don't understand. All I wanted was a wife and kids that I could love and take care of.
Fake it, just make your faking confidence and not arrogance. You'll probably fail quite a few times but practice makes perfect. Eventually you won't need to fake it as much. I've been married for a few years now so it must've worked.
As a woman who also knew of only rejection until almost 30, you can find confidence. Putting effort and time to build yourself up to be the kind of person you want to be where you can be proud of yourself is where the confidence comes from. Because even though those people rejected you, if you can look in the mirror and be happy to be you then no one else’s approval will matter. Loneliness sucks, and confidence doesn’t help that but rejection and confidence do not have to be correlated. Know your worth and build that worth (not the fake self-worshiping worth people push out, but the blood, sweat and tears worth that took time and self discipline to gain). That is true confidence. You don’t need a woman’s approval to find that. Good luck to you. 🙂
I really think rules around texting has made dating annoying. Because on one hand, guys are told not to do it too much because you seem thirsty and desperate. Women on the other hand are forever told "if he wanted to, he would" and to "know their worth" so they take a guy not texting them enough as a sign that he's not really interested or that he's a player. It's just stupid all around.
I remember being punctual for dates and then being made to wait because she wasn't ready. So my 2 cents are things happen, and if they at least give the other person a heads-up I don't mind being patient.
As a 40 year old fella who gave up on dating 15 years ago, these videos help give me confirmation that I've made the right decision. It was bad enough before social media completely melted people's brains, now it's a horror show.
I have a simply solution. I just never manage to get her number, being autistic all these rules which everyone seemingly knows are a complete mystery, its like having to follow rules to follow facial expressions and vocal tones, but a 2nd set of rules about this stuff. I JUST LIKE YOU, IF YOU LIKE ME THEN RECIPROCATE, this stuff saddens and angers me to no end.
And every single rule is subject to change depending on the person you're talking to. It's overwhelming. Learning regular social signals as a kid with autism was hard enough, this is just borderline impossible.
I feel you. It's ridiculous. These "rules" are so inconsistent as to be useless. They're also applied and enforced in proportion to how attractive you are., i.e. if you're good looking you can be awkward or an outright asshole and it may be overlooked. And that isn't gender specific. Men will tolerate rudeness or insanity from an attractive woman the same way a woman will tolerate the misbehavior from an attractive man. The ONLY rule that matters is: Be sexually (physically) attractive.
It's not aboute rules. It's aboute finding people that fit. For some of us more people fit. But we all don't know the rules if we engage with a human that doesn't fit. If you get rejected it's easy to think there is something wrong with you. Most likely it's not. People that reject you don't matterand their opinion on you has no weight. Its like getting sad because nobody wants to eat your cake. Some people just don't like cake. You will never be able to make them happy with your cake or make them appreciate it. But it may very well be the best cake in the world and if you aren't able to find someone that loves cake, you will never know. That's all I can say with my limited english 😂
You didnt tell a lie! I'm 50 and been in the dating pool for 10 years or more now with a few short relationships thrown in there. There has been no end to the mixed signals. First one says texting throughout the day everyday shows I'm too clingy, next one is upset when I took the first one's advice and didnt text very often. Next one never responds to texts until a day after I sent it, like, please tell me....what should I do? ...lol...the other large problem I have is that most women who are still single at 40+ have become jaded due to mistreatment, and now if you display any trait that any ex has ever had, then it means you are gonna be just like them. Its tough out on these mean streets. Maybe one day someone will come along, and I hope its soon enough to enjoy the years I have left with her.....
For the first time have to give @dadvocate a failing grade on this one. Like a 58. Planning dates for a Friday night can be tricky because possible work and/or traffic issues are still in play. So, 5-10 minutes late being a deal breaker seems ludicrous to me. And he's right, he could've just rolled in at 7:39 PM, made up some random excuse for the 9 minutes and the data probably proceeds without a 2nd thought, but he decided to be completely honest/transparent. Unforgivable... lol. Also @dadvocate comparing this to those who want credit for admitting to infidelity is also ridiculous. But more than anything, this video and it's outrageous reactions just confirms my own decision to leave the dating game to others.
The whole Vetran thing really triggers me! I have had to cut people out of my life over this type of insane thinking! Over the past few decades it's gotten to the point that I actively attempt to hide my veteran status. Now, the only people who know the fact that I was in are those that feel I comfortable telling, or those that have been in. If ya know, ya know - or I know you well enough to explain it. I have to hide parts of myself from the world because there are too many people in this world that have a mental image of what those that have served are, that is simply wrong. It's either they ascribe to the wrong movies or the wrong "era of service", my service history is closer to the R. Lee Ermy military than the Pauly Shore military. It makes re-entering the dating world far more difficult than it should be, almost to the point that it is not worth it! I definitely appreciate you taking the time to highlight this injustice to the veterans of the world! I just wish it was not necessary.
The reason I do not put up with someone being late, my ex-wife would make us late to everything. To the point we would miss the main event that I paid for. If they call before they are supposed to be there and are actually on their way, I will give them some time. If they call late and say they are going to be even more late, I have already left the meet up place and I am out.
As someone who dated in my 40s, the phone works both ways but we are generally the pursuers. Communication is key with most women. We are dating for a reason and so are the women available. Be clear and ask questions to how they like to communicate.
Then they say you're weak or not masculine enough cuz you have to ask. Admittedly women who act like that are idiots that will lonely for a very long time unfortunately those types of women litter the dating market making it so much harder to wade through the sewage to find a good one.
I'll freely admit that I will do everything I can to never be late for something like this. I do what I can to be in the vicinity of the place that I need to go at least half an hour before I need to actually be there. That being said. I absolutely wouldn't keep anyone to this standard. This is completely a thing that I do. If my date is going to be reasonably late then that's fine. The message saying that they are going to be late is a great thing. It shows engagement and responsibility. Bad things can happen and showing that you handle issues in a mature way is extremely important across the whole board of life. His argument that he could have said nothing and then have had a better outcome for himself is weird. That's a bizarre argument that I really do want to know, what lead to that conclusion. Her reaction was definitely not correct and just as immature a reaction as the one that he described. I'd still say that he is in the right. He only said the immature argument online. She was the one who actually did the immature thing in real life. Actions do inherently matter more than words. That is if we can believe what he says. There is some issues that I take with him but that's more his mentality and his overall attitude. That doesn't really matter overall. His actions are completely fine. Him not wanting to text her throughout the ordeal is strange to me. It's not inherently a bad thing but it does not really convey interest. I may be reading a bit too much into his character but he comes across as potentially too independent. It's the way that he talks about having different lives and all that. Sure, you do have different lives but they should start to intermingle over time. He doesn't come across as a person who wants that. If this is true. He is in a small group of people who are only going to stay attractive to likeminded people. This is something that can happen to people in different ways but one of them is definitely having been single for too long. They either won't or can't engage with their partner to form something that both of them want.
I can attest to this having been single.....pretty much since 2015. I cannot form any kind of connection with anyone and it shows, maybe its a generational difference, maybe its a lack of regular socialization, maybe its just cause I've always been shy, maybe its cause my interests are nerdy, I dont know and anymore I dont particularly care. Its exhausting.
As someone who tries to just never be late at all to anything I commit to if I can manage it, I can attest this is real. I'm pretty patient with someone meeting me for a date, but I have to be sure I set aside more than enough time for the date and that I have nothing after it that day. My propensity for personal earliness caused some friction in my last relationship, but I never hold it against anyone when they are late to something as long as it doesn't feel they are blowing me off. I tend to draw the line around 20 minutes if there's no contact at all. Contact throughout the week is something I've learned to try and instigate casually with option to open up but no requisite to do so. I've had many people tell me that I am "too clingy" even just over text. I saw someone else say that they appreciate being told what sort of communication would be appreciated, and anyone doing that before it's an issue is always appreciated.
Riddle me this why would you want a narcissistic woman? Are you insane or a narcissist yourself or what exactly? Or do you just enjoy being a human punching bag for women?
It’s weird also that she won’t confirm it. He has to set up the date, propose the date, forum the date, and then later he has to confirm it again. When does she show any care on her end? He should’ve confirmed the date the morning of or night before because shit happens, but not throughout the week because that’s just likely to annoy and is pointless.
It was when he said "I'm not a 10 year old girl, I don't text during the week, I have a life". Mate if you don't have at least a few minutes, maybe half an hour every day where you have time to message people you care about, you don't have a life. NOBODY is so busy that they have zero time every day to text you. If they don't text, they don't care.
The issue around first date tardiness is that nobody wants to spend a single minute worrying that they're in the middle of being stood up. By him contacting her he's doing a good thing to prevent that worry, but he doesn't care about being on time for important things, and she cares about being on time, or takes being late as a sign of disrespect. Awesome that they discovered they are not compatible without even having a single date.
What a pleasant surprise to see such a nuanced man. Though as a man whom is also communicatively inclined, I feel surprised this whole "when to call" is so divisive. Just do what feels right to you. If nothing else you two get a better feel for each other at a genuine level. It reminds me of a saying I once heard on the radio; "Hold the door open for a person who limps. And they may either thank you, or feel insulted. But their (negative) reaction is not necessarily on you for wanting to be kind." That's to say, for some people you can just not do right no matter what you do. That's a them problem, not a you problem.
My husband was about 20-30 minutes late for our first date because of traffic (he was coming from three and a half hours away). He let me know well in advance through three different means (email, text, and via the dating site we met through). Because he told me in advance and also was so thorough in making sure I knew, he still made a good impression.
"why would you wait a few days before you text her?". I can only speak for myself, but every time I have text or called in a short period of time (less than 24hrs), I have had that used against me as a example of how I am "clingy". Either that or been outright ghosted, likely with that as the thought in her head.
The reason of man loneliness pandemic is that if a man points out anything to a woman. Women gather around to protect her while most lonely men also sees this as an opportunity to support the woman to help their male ego. Plus internet can't accept to see men happy in a relationship for some weird reason and some single women tends to contact the female gaslighting them about their partner. Its more common than it should be. Another reason why i don't use any social media except RUclips and luckily same goes for my gf
This is kinda why I don't want to set dates more then 1-2 days ahead, because I am fine with getting to know someone pre-date, and then it's like "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow evening?" Or "What are you doing this weekend? I think I got the saturday off, if you got time, care to make some plans by thursday?"
Thanks for bringing up the late rule. My disability literally initiates with movement. I move I get sick. The more I move the sicker I get. The longer I'm sick the mores sensitive I get and the longer it takes to recover. Sick enough that when I was working I was waking up sicker than I was the day before until a huge fallout-sickness. I will not do that again. I'm just learning how to manage at a 'retired' level. Since this has left me unreliable, progressively over time the disability has gotten worse... blah-blah, I bailed relationships. It is this rule, the late rule, that I had to work with in the past, and now am having to once again, as I am dating and I want to re-engage with my friends and family. Not yet, just asking folks now... In fact the best thing is for me to show up 60-90 minutes early! Or they visit me at my place. (Not the best 1st date place yet it is the best place for me not to get sick, 1st impressions...) I have to say something upfront, like "It's like I'm blind, so no I can't just juggle as I cross the street", only I have this.... And that conversation... about just What all this I have IS, is... isn't a breezy one! I'll get to it... Just watching people's face when I tell them. Seeing them zone out. Even family. Let alone when meeting someone. I photograph, was talking with someone I found interesting & shared that I often consider the look on the face of the person viewing the photo in some future. What do I want that face to look like. Working on a dating profile that includes it somewhere! A link. Maybe a website. Wow. Thanks. Listening to you helps.
I would like to add a few thoughts about the Vietnam comment. from FlopDestroyer "He got so much sausage at Vietnam that he don't know how to approach a female". The important parts were covered in the video but here are a few things I would like to add. 1) It should be IN Vietnam not AT Vietnam. Vietnam is a place not a restaurant. 2) The video is about dating in your FOURTIES. Vietnam was from 1955 to 1975 that was 48 years ago. He either wasn't born or was an infant. 3) This may be picky but, it is not "don't" it should be "doesn't".
6:49 He might mean that women are always late anyway. If he said nothing she wouldn't have noticed whether he was on time or not because she would have been late
I’m a woman about to turn 50 and I am dating after almost 25 years.. the man I met on pof 4 weeks ago and have been on a first date already and he is also 50 and he texts me every morning and 3nor 4 times a day.. our next date is next Saturday and I reciprocate as I like him as much as he likes me
7:59 a confirmation is a confirmation you confirm it once that’s all you should need to do because IF there is a change they’d inform you what it is. Her saying “well you didn’t confirm with me a second time” it says “well I never intended to go ahead with those plans because I didn’t care enough to remember the time and date…it’s your own fault for not confirming with me an unnecessary second time that I won’t in fact be there.”
I'm seeing some other comments about waiting and it's what was instructed to me as well as a young man. Show some patience and don't come off as being too eager, especially if we've not already gotten to have a few longer baseline conversations to find those initial boundaries. A message or two the day before to confirm, or even better a phone call would have been in my wheel house. As for being late, it would have to be a matter of why. Generally I'm notorious for being early, but in the event of a traffic accident or something else almost catastrophic, I'd hope forgiveness would be offered, especially if good sense to call ahead was used as I would offer the same in return. Even without a catastrophe, if it's a new place and I don't know the traffic pattern, less than ten minutes is still not enough to cancel over if you ask me.
Different comfort levels for frequent communication exist. Some are turned off by it, others must have it. Mismatches often wind up leaving the impressions of frequent communications being 'clingy' and infrequent communicators being 'not interested'. They weren't a good fit for each other, but it doesn't make either of them 'bad'...
At 45, I'd say that men definitely get mixed messages from women. We're not supposed to call/text too soon because it makes us look desperate and needy (but actually we ARE supposed to do that to prove we're interested). We're not supposed to act too cocky and pretend that we're the only guy for her (but actually we ARE supposed to do that because it projects self-confidence).
Dating is utter chaos, there's nothing to rely on. Just shower every day, treat women like humans and after that: Good goddamn luck, buddy, you're gonna need it
I love this post. I separated from my husband after 18 years. Dating in my mid-40’s, I don’t have patience for games. I treat men with respect. I don’t expect you to pay for everything. And I think it’s ok to chat and text whenever you want.
This pretty much sums it up.
Just do what feels natural and you'll eventually attract a person who feels the same way. Changing who you are to suit someone else will only set you up for a lifetime of having to change yourself.
Eff all that skip the games and get your passport. You'll never have to worry about western women bs again. It's a whole new, and FAR better life....
I think it's women who aren't supposed to text or call right away because we do come off as needy and blah blah blah.
Back when I dated, I would wait to text/call a girl to not come across as too eager or aggressive. It was a huge surprise when I learned girls did not interpret my delay the same way.
Same here. I was taught that if you called a girl the same day as meeting them, then you’re either going to come off cross like you’re creepy and stalker-ish, or you’re gonna make her think that all you want to do is get under her skirt.
Yes, 1-3 days to not seem "weak" was the "bro" explanation, thankfully I'm a communicative person so I didn't follow that advice.
It just seemed like others trying to sabotage your luck with the dates, for crap and giggles.
Yeah, this advice is so common that it surprises me when people think it's weird for a guy to wait a few days. Call the same day, and you are either a creepy stalker or super desperate loser guy. Wait a few days and you are a disinterested a-hole. What the hell are we supposed to do?!
Women give you their phone numbers so they can get frequent subtle text confirmations of sexual value.
Funny I can't tell you the number of women that tell me they're turned off by a guy texting too quickly as it comes across too eager/simping. You just can't win.
Here's a story of being late for a first date. We met online, so hadn't met in person. Set up a first date for a restaurant located on a particular road. What I didn't realize is that they had moved down the road since the last time I was there. So I arrive early...to a dark building and an empty parking lot. I was able to search and find out that it had moved and raced down to the new location. I hadn't programed her number into my phone (this is pre-smart phone days). Got there about 15 minutes late. Rushed in and located the angry looking lady. She had ordered some food to go, but once I explained what had happened, she was willing to eat with me. She knew that the place had moved, and said that she wondered if that's what had happened. After the meal, we ended up talking in the parking lot for another hour afterwards, hit it off, and we are still married to this day.
Good story. Shit happens. Grown ups understand that, and make some allowance for it.
"Check the place out before going on the date" ~Some old person told me years ago.
Still married? Not likely.
@@bingbongdingdong867 based on what? you are a child.
I just turned 47 today. Last spring I went out on my first date in many years. We met for coffee and I told her I was excited to be on a date with her. She let me know she saw that as a negative and despite things going very well I never got a second date. Guys tend to hold back because even when we show genuine interest y’all see it as creepy and desperate. THAT is why we don’t text for a few days because we might blow it.
Dude, that woman just told her what she is about. That is your way of vetting a woman as a good partner. Keep being genuine and straightforward without pressuring. Women who are turned off by genuine interest are not women you want to date. She did you a favor.
I'm 42, recently divorced 6 months ago, and decided to try a dating app. I was surprised to find someone else in my rural town of 8000. First date went well enough that she asked me for date #2. Second date went REALLY well, and we basically meandered around together for 5 hours. Planning date 3 we were just going to watch a DVD at my house. She sent a moderately suggestive text suggesting possible intimacy if I play my cards right. Date night comes.... She ghosted me. Still haven't gotten a reply or call and it's been over a week.
@@matts1166 I assume you tried to text her...nothing? Weird.
@@madrabbit9007 UPDATE TIME! Living in a small town has its advantages, as her apartment is only about 7 blocks from my business and I know people in the complex. She was dating multiple guys simultaneously. If I had to guess, looks like I was her "fall back option". She weeded out the flakes, then picked from the best of what's left. While I get it, it's kind-of scummy behavior to me. She never mentioned seeing anyone else. Thank God I didn't sleep with her yet, as I'm sure I'm not the only one and "don't worry about it, I'm on birth control" doesn't help with disease.
@@matts1166 Clearly a gold digger, better off without the tramp.
"I'm afraid I'm going to blow it" is similar to "Do I look fat in this?".
It's just insecurity bubbling up and how do you treat insecurity? With assurance.
This
Insecurity isn't a thing that should be met with disdain or contempt. It's awesome if your man is a rock, I feel for the guys who act as a rock because they feel they have to. A little support goes a long way. I know from experience. Just the confidence of "I was able to show my insecure side and my world didn't implode" makes dealing with future insecurities easier. It's literally what they do in therapy. I hate this culture of "ooh, oof, better not show a hint of insecurity!"
Texting is for setting dates. Anything else will probabky turn her off.
It is very much appreciated that you actually would tell a guy "I like talking, I don't mind if you text me a lot." Most women just expect the man to know that they like being texted and won't say anything about it. Or they will expect the man to know they DON'T like being texted and won't say anything about it. Given those two options, it makes sense men would go for the safer option and not pester her all day and potentially drive her off by being too clingy. People need to just say what they want already.
I agree, if you have specific expectations make sure the other party knows what they are.
Texting isn't talking.
@@mr.deadman1973 irrelevant, whether it be talking, texting, or literally writing someone a letter, you need to make your expectations known.
@@mr.deadman1973 being pedantic isn't helpful
This may be a really hot take, but what's wrong with me (the guy) communicating that I tend to say hey at random times and maybe sometimes share something I find humorous. Worst case scenario, she blows me off on a date I would have had to pay for anyway. It sucks, have some bad feels, I take the date money and buy myself a pizza and play some video games to forget about it. I'm not going to be any less chatty after the first date, right?
"You don't do X on the first date"
So here's the thing. We are humans, not robots, our lives are not completely set in stone, accidents and some weird circumstance that change the contex of our actions can always happen
Being late on a first date and being late on a first date because of traffic, and immediately warning the date are totally different
If you can't deal with a 5 minute delay over traffic with the other person warning you you are just an asshole
For real! 5 minutes late, whatever. If you're going to be an hour late or something then sure. Being WAY late can certainly be a problem, but if they freak out over 5-10 minutes you're dodging a bullet.
I've been there. Checked Google Maps the day before the date and it's 15mins away. Get ready to leave and be there 10 mins early and all of a sudden I realize it actually will take 25mins because traffic is different from when I checked. Nothing I can about it at this point, but screenshot an ETA and say "I should get there on time but I may be late if traffic acts up". Most normal people are like "ok sounds good"
I fully agree with your take on the being late to a date thing, but I would like to point out I believe what he tried to express in his initial video is that when he went to inform her he was going to be late, she informed him that she was not going to show up to the date before he had even sent the text, because he didn't confirm that morning and hadn't texted her enough.
I've pretty much had sex with every woman I've dated, on the first date, and none of those relationships lasted more than a few months, except the long-distance one.
Might just be something to that lol
@@Nerobyrne it's not really what you do on the date, it's more about who you're with on the date. Granted, it's kind of a yellow flag if somebody's happy to have sex on the first date. Not quite turn and run, but be cautious.
I remember waiting for a woman for a first date, and there was another chap standing nearby he was waiting on a date too. 15 minutes go by, neither of our dates have shown up. 20 minutes we're looking at each other like "no luck, mate? Yeah me neither". 25 minutes we start talking shooting the shit and decide we might as well get a couple of pints while we do so. Over an hour late I get the "sorry I'm late where are you?" text and I tell her to go do one.
My new drinking buddy confesses to me that he's gay his date was a man, but he knew I wasn't he understood we're just 2 dudes having a beer. and I tell him that's cool I'm not judging anyone's private life. He suggests going to this gay bar and he explains that all the men are gay, but most of the women are straight, so he can meet some guys and I've got zero competition for the ladies. I'm 2 pints in at this point so I'll agree to anything. He gets me into the bar and this girl is there with her gay guy friend. He takes the friend and I chat up the girl. He went home with the guy and I went home with her, and she was way hotter than my original date. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons.
I never did see him again after that, but best wing man I ever had. Just goes to show if one plan doesn't work out you never know what else will transpire.
gigachad
dude I woulda befriended that guy and he woulda been my next best friend!
Now that sounds like the romcom shit i would love live ,you got a double deal.
One of the point most people seem to miss.. he was 5-10 minutes late, she wasn't even there.
he texted her before he got there.
@@FatMenaceshe wasn’t there then either
Not at all clear yet which one of the two is more willing to put a lot of work into making relationships work.
He’s the one who is less likely to be dependable, but we don’t know.
She’s the one who is more likely to make tons of false assumptions about people based on minimal info, but we don’t know.
I relate to this guy very strongly. Dated in my 40's and am a army veteran. I learned very quickly that waiting 24-48 hours seems to be a good thing to text or call to ask for the date. I also found that in general a follow-up text around the halfway point between scheduling the date and the date was helpful. Being less than 15 minutes late should be okay. Life happens but I personally try to be 15 minutes early and just park around the block and wait and gather my thoughts. Of course that part is just me I do that before work almost everyday as well I call it my zen time it helps me center myself and focus on the moment.
If 5-10 minutes late is a deal breaker, I'm happy to let them remove themselves from my life. Life happens. Traffic happens. I don't control other people's traffic collisions and I don't set the road work construction schedules. If someone isn't mature enough to understand that, well good luck with that divorce a few years from now.
YoU sHoUlD HaVe PrEdIcTeD tHe WeAtHer.
5 to 10 minutes is NOT late.
Yet you manage to be on time for your job, accounting for all those things (I hope). Yes, the first date should be treated with special care, and being on time should be far more of a priority than your average Monday morning. Yes, collisions should be a special case, but a regular traffic log? You should have the planning skills of an adult by the time you are in your 40s and account for that.
@alexeimartina2251 Give me a break. You aren't 5 to 10 minutes late for work on a fairly regular basis?
If you tell me you aren't, I'm calling you a liar. If a traffic accident happens right just front of you, you're going to be late.
Any woman who leaves because you're ten minutes late is a woman who is too uptight for words and you don't want to be with in the first place.
@@alexeimartina2251 I see you are not, in fact, mature enough to understand that life happens and that I don't control the universe. Don't worry, one day when you're all growed up, you'll get it.
I'm jumping in before watching the entire video, but I always waited a few days before calling/texting a girl.
Why?
To avoid putting out those ill-defined "stalker" vibes that men get accused of so easily these days.
Hell, I was accused of stalking by some female back when I was fresh out of high school.
Why?
Because I would say hello to her when passing by during my work day.
So ladies, don't complain that men don't talk to you anymore. You have been telling us not to even look at you for years now. We are simply doing what you've been screeching for us to do all this time: ignore your existence.
*UPDATE:* To those who responded by automatically assuming I must be guilty of sexual harassment, I'd just like to say a heart felt *THANK YOU* for proving my point for me!
Now feel free to go kick rocks!
Aint that the truth.
i had a woman give me her number and then immediately say "but dont blow up my phone" so i took her advice and lost the number.
Nah. You've got it twisted up in your head. Text them immediately. Don't go confessing your love or anything but text them. If they don't like it or don't text back, simply move on. Playing games in dating is just silly.
@@davddd81you're right. If they have ANY requirements regarding how often/when you should text them, lose their number. They are an awful person and not worth messing with.
@@williameldridge9382 I mean, 'ANY' is a bit extreme. I feel like having a requirement of "less than like 50 unresponded-to texts per day" is pretty reasonable, cus then you're just spamming them basically. But if it's vague shit like don't text me "too often" or "too much" or "make sure you text me but like not in a weird amt" then yeah, ridiculous requirements.
Here's the thing that bothers me about this whole thing. People are dragging him for doing precisely what women do constantly on social media (and are often applauded/given sympathy for it), vent about a shitty experience they had. What's more, expecting constant communication from an adult before your first date is mind boggling to me. If the guy/girl you've scheduled a date with isn't texting you as much as you'd like, how the fuck is he/she supposed to know? If you can't communicate that preference up front, or be a little more understandable until after the date, then there is something wrong with you.
But don't you know women are allowed to have double standards cuz "patriarchy" I guess. Idk I don't get it either.
Also, is she not an adult capable of initiating contact and messaging him?
@@kevinharris4058 Thats now how it works.. HE has to be able to read her mind to know she wants to be contacted.... apparently.
@@lyianx wow, and here I was thinking people should take responsibility for their own actions. Turns out you just need to be a mind reader. Who knew?!
@@kevinharris4058 She's the woman she never texts first, that would make her look like she likes him more than he likes her. Everything is a game to women so best to leave them to their bitter games & find the ones that actually grow up into functional adults.
I was 12 minutes late on a first date to which she was livid. I explained I planned on being 10-15 minutes early but there was a bad car wreck. I could go a different route because there were lots of cars behind me and I couldn’t move. She swore and me, loudly, and walked out.
She called me 2 days later and said she confirmed I wasn’t lying about the wreck so we could go out again. I PASSED! I had photos of the wreck on the first date but she refused to look at them, she was too busy screaming at me. She has contacted me more than 10 times wanting to go out. I ignore all attempts as I made my point very clear the first time she called me back.
There ARE reasons one can be late, they should be verifiable, but they shouldn’t be held against someone when they had no control over circumstances.
Good call passing on a second date. Sounds like she needs to grow up first.
As a disabled Veteran of the USMC, thank you for standing up against hating on Veterans for no reason!
it's always easier to hate on the enlisted. No one gives a shit that disobeying orders will fuck up your post-army life, especially if you get a severe disability in the line of duty because the hypocrite who calls himself your superior officer knowingly sent you into a no-win scenario.
As a woman almost 40, I am with this guy on the not texting leading up to the date. I HATE small talk, and not a huge fan of texting people I don't know. Wait until after the date to start that.
I think this is another one of those highly personal things where he just needs to do what comes naturally and if she doesn't like it then they're not compatible. Move on.
Yeah people in this space universalize things like this when it's actually very arbitrary. A lot of normal people do this too.
I absolutely hate writing text messages. I dont mind the banter or communication. But eugh.
And what stopped her from texting to confirm the date? I thought we were supposed to be equal these days?
100%
Men often get very unenthusiastic about dating because we’re trying not to get our hopes up. You CANNOT keep building up that kind of confidence towards a relationship prospect while dealing with the endless rejection from modern women. Doing so will destroy your confidence and self esteem. And I’m sure many men have dealt with the frustration of finding a woman that you click with and all seems like it’s going well, so you allow yourself to get your hopes a little just to have her immediately kick you to the curb or ghost you. A lot of women suddenly get turned off when you show enthusiasm. It’s taught me to never get my hopes up with a woman cuz she’ll immediately dash those hopes. You ladies never give a thought to how you treat men or what kind of message you’re sending them. That message is: “Good men are better off alone.”
Even just in friendships girls are like this. Was friends woth a lesbian girl for long enough to help her a bunch with some issues and now she just ignores me or is just cold and cruel. Not sure what happened but I've been dropped enough by girls to just assume I'm dead to her lol
Treat women like trash and you will suddenly not care; and women will lay down and spread their thighs and wave you in with landing lights.
Facts
I think online dating sucks for both sides - it's not any easier for women. I understand guys being discouraged but if I get 400 "hi" messages with not one person showing any effort I feel like shit too. The guys get discouraged because It'll be the 400s of Hi's they sent without response. Nobody's winning when it's a numbers and mindgames sort of a deal.
@@margodphd You're literally being showered in attention and you go "Ugh, not good enough."
Sorry but yeah, normal HUMAN CONVERSATION starts with a greeting.
Go outside, touch grass. As a gay guy, this is NOT an issue in the gay community. Even for those gay guys that get 400 messages.
As a navy veteran, I am so proud of people like yourself who take a stand against the rampant stereotyping we suffer from, i.e., "all veterans are grapists and baby killers".
You made my day, thanks 😊
Army Vet, and I have never been called that once, it must be where you live that has a negative view towards the Armed Forces.
@@hellfire66683 sarge, I would say the positive attitudes you've experienced are a product of where YOU lived.
I have one side of my family still says our loud that one day I'm going to snap and hurt somebody just cause I served my tour of duty and got out.
Like seriously bro. I fix fucking planes I don't have shell shock
@@invertedv12powerhouse77 great I fixed submarines. Didn't matter to the civilians.
I spent 25 years in the army, never once called a baby killer.
A guy who grew up around the corner, did one year before being un-enlisted (I don’t know how or why, never asked).
Every time I run into him, he mentions how hard it is being a veteran and how people call him baby killer.
I think some people mistake shit they’ve seen in war movies for real life.
The "I could not have told you I was gonna be late" was about how if he hadn't texted he was running late, he would have arrived late and they would be at the pizza place instead of just turning back midway and going home.
I'll caveat this by saying it has been over 12 years since I've been on a first date. However, when my wife and I were setting up our first date, I called her (not texted) to set up the date for the following week. I texted her the night before to confirm we were still on for the following day. Those were the 2 communications that happened that week. In my opinion, his only mistake was confirming a few days too early, but nonetheless he got a confirmation. Frankly, it sounds like she simply forgot about the date entirely and was throwing it on him for not reminding her repeatedly about it throughout the week. If that is the case, bullet dodged on his part.
I have a few thoughts:
You might wait a few days so as to not seem stalkerish. And because when over 40, it’s *really* hard to tell if a woman is interested in dating, or just thinking you’d be a cool opposite-sex friend to hang out with. (I have more female than male friends, eg.)
“I’m probably going to blow it” means “It’s impossible to know over text or even a phone call how my overtures are landing. I can so easily misinterpret her responses and respond in a way that offends her. Better to be in person and get a sense of what kind of interactions she’s comfortable with first.”
Being late: You can’t be too early, either. I’ve waited in my car to be sure I’m neither.
Texting leading up to the date: It is *so* dependent on the individual, especially in the GenX cohort. Some women will take it as thoughtful; others as over-familiar and stalkerish. It’s impossible to predict, and so you try for a happy medium.
About a pizza place: I think I’ve seen roughly a b’zillion videos (including one by you, I think!) talking about how women don’t like choosing dinner. “Oh, you go ahead and choose.” I personally wouldn’t choose a pizza place, but if she put it on him, why do people get to complain about the choice?
I think I’ve gone on long enough. 😊
I like this one a lot:
“I’m probably going to blow it” means “It’s impossible to know over text or even a phone call how my overtures are landing. I can so easily misinterpret her responses and respond in a way that offends her. Better to be in person and get a sense of what kind of interactions she’s comfortable with first.”
Talking via text only is possible the hardest thing to do as a social activity - and doing that with someone you basically do not know is just a recipe for misunderstandings. As you get older, it's not getting easier.
@@kyx5631 Thanks. And I couldn't agree more. I'm a _professional writer_ and still get misinterpreted over text by people who know me really well. How much worse must it be for people who don't know each other much at all!
I believe you're very likely right.
He got further than I ever got. I was on dating apps for a year and the furthest I got was the girl agreeing to meet with me, then when I asked what time/place would work best for her, I never hear from them again. This happened enough times that I gave up on dating apps altogether. Waste of time.
Thats why people dont need to be on dating apps. It's 80% women to 20% men and Americans in general are fucked up with relationships.
Most women don't like for them to pick when. If you're the one asking out, you pick a date and they will tell you if it works for them.
@@OmniscientWarrior
Also giving them multiple options is great too, it's easier for them to pick one of the times you have given her than replying "that doesn't work for me" and having to figure it out from there.
@@OmniscientWarrior Would it kill them to say that?
If they can't be bothered to throw me a bone when they know I know literally nothing about them and what they like, then they must not be that interested. Yet another example of my time being wasted.
I took a woman out that I took to dinner , She excused herself to the restroom , 20 minutes later I discover she is at bar flirting with bartender and had charged drinks to my table , I paid appetizer and 1st drinks , I'm not buying drinks for a 304 to flirt with a bartender
Taking the number : Yeah we wait, because contacting too soon comes across as desperate. Women have options. Average guys have (less than) one shot.
5-10 with notification is fine. All sorts of things can happen. Traffic. Someone gets in the way. Preference is to be on time. It's not a good look for lateness.
Texting during the week before first date? Nah. I'm working. I'm busy. The time is locked in. Why do I need to text? In certain work spaces, we are not allowed cellphones on the floor so we can't anyway.
2nd : We've been told that lots of communicating comes across as needy. Each woman is different. So if the woman says "Hey I like texting lots" that would be better.
Mens standards: Nope. We are having standards. Women's opinions dont matter on this. Utterly irrelevant. Men MUST have standards, otherwise they are still boys.
"Contacting too soon comes across as desperate."
God forbid I like actually talking to other humans 😂
Man I hate dating with a passion, for sure.
Women who think its "desperate" if you text them, aren't interested in you to begin with.
And personally as a man, if a woman didn't show me through the way she was texting that she was interested in me, I just wouldn't bother with her.
I know how it feels when a woman wants me.
And I won't have it any other way. Period.
@@AliothAncalagon That's very true, if a woman is interested she'll be fine with you texting back quickly, as long as you don't get clingy or weird, and as long as the replies aren't INSTANT.
I posted on another that reacted to this same video. What I stated on that video is this: I work in Couples Counseling and there is a fundamental difference between how men and women communicate.
Women have to stay in constant communication over every little thing. it's ingrained in them to do this as during cave people and tribal times women stayed close to home and took care of the children (we've confirmed this though observation of primitive tribes that still exist). And while their home area were usually fairly safe, there were still occasional dangers like predators. So the women would constantly keep within voice distance and constantly be calling out to each other. So that since they could keep hearing each other, they knew that they were still safe. this has carried over to modern day where women are constantly calling each other. usually multiple times a day, even though nothing has really happened between calls to each other.
Men on the other hand don't really keep checking up after plans were made. this comes from when men were in hunting parties. it was very common that the main party would split in order to surround a prey, so the would make the plans on how to trap and attack the prey or where they would meet back up. then they would be out of contact for hours or even days or weeks at a time and execute the plans as they were made before splitting up. for men to not be where they were supposed to be at the time they were supposed to be could be bad or even deadly. they prey could be lost or a hunter or more could be hurt or killed if the other hunters weren't there to help out at the right time. so men were very strict on how they plans were done and it was considered very important for them to execute those plans exactly. there was no way for them to reconfirm plans multiple times a day, so they had to carry out the plans on time without having contact with the other party. This has carried out in modern day as men make plans and once made, they will follow through UNLESS something happens to affect those plans, THEN a man will make contact to update the person on the change. A guy can make plans with a friend for 20 years in the future and never say another word to each other again. Then in 20 years they will both show up at the right time and meet at the right place.
this is just ONE way how men and women differ in their communication.
Thanks! Please keep doing what you're doing! I'm 47, and you both help me understand things and realize things I was, sadly, oblivious to. I also immediately respect anyone who is into any form of martial arts. But, too late to make a long story short, you're awesome, as is your husband when I've both of you. Just keep on rockin' 🤘 and again, thanks for doing what you do 🙌🙏🤘
one of my best friends was 3 hours late to a first date (ON VALENTINE'S DAY, no less), and his date stuck around and waited for him - they've been together for years now, and they just got married...goes to show that love and dating and relationships isn't at all by-the-books and formulaic, it's human just like us
I was 45 minutes late to the first date with my now-wife of 12 years. She forgave me, mainly, notably... I called her early... not after I was supposed to be there, and explained I was stuck across town, estimated when I would be there. Communication is key.
But don't think she STILL reminds me I was late to our first date....😂
At this point it starts to become a self-own. "Yeah, I was late, but you still married me, honey."
@@oz_jonesright? "Well, divorce is always on the table..."
I think you meant to say don't think she DOESN'T STILL remind you that you were late...
But yeah, this illustrates why this woman is unreasonable, and dude probably dodged a bullet.
The difference between 12 years ago and today is night and day, man.
Things do happen to cause inadvertent tardiness. I tend to show up early to things because MY punctuality is important to me. And things still can happen to make me late. However, with me, texting to warn of an issue is paramount. The "What, she wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't texted?" remark is bang on. Not knowing what's happening can severely intensify any negative feelings that may arise from the date being late.
I think he may have dodged a bullet because her reaction was over the top (probably due to being stood up or feeling disrespected in the past), making me think she was just waiting to jump at any flaws in him, real or imagined.
I did think he said "should" and "supposed to" way too much. Follow your own rules, man. If YOU don't live up to your principles, how can you hope anyone else will?
I believe everybody is misinterpreting the story, from his description it sounded like she had never intended to show up in the first place, because he had not contacted her. Hence the second confirmation complaint.
I'm the same way (in spades). I get stressed if I think there is any chance of being late to an appointment. When I have to go into the city, I plan to be there 2hrs early even if I have be there at 6:00AM for an 8:00 appointment. The drive is 40min but traffic can be bad. I'd rather browse the Internet for a couple of hours than be a minute late.
The way I understood the comment was that he was trying to be considerate by letting her know that he'd be late, instead of just showing up late.
@@missingLEGACY I agree. She never went to the restaurant at all. She wrote, "Are you kidding me?" from her couch.
After being married for 20 years...I don't think I would have any idea what to do today. It's a Rubik's cube
It's totally forgivable to be 5-10 minutes late to a date, but being on time (or early) is incredibly important.
I'm usually 10 minutes to 10 hours early for everything. I've stood around for 7 hours straight at appointments in years past due to being so early. I arrive to work 1-2 hours early most days. I was only ever late during a blizzard once in my early 20s to work. I called ahead of time and turned out I was 1 of only 3 employee's to show up. Nobody higher up even showed up at all.
I've been called desperate for texting on the same day I got her number. I get texting after a few days
Yeah, this is exactly what happens to me too. They say I’m “too eager”. Yet when I wait they quickly lose interest 🥲 It’s no win
The real issue there is that women VERY rarely communicate what their expectations are around this. But they do have an expectation, and if you don't meet it without them telling you, they're done.
Agreed!
It's so stupid how showing interest is seen as desperate like what the heck?
@@HighOnMusicHenreaowThe made up rules of dating, as shared by single people that had someone that one time.
I straight up ask "are you comfortable with some light texting leading up to the date so we can establish mutual interests to talk about". It's worked pretty well for me.
I have had this precise experience dating in my teens, my 20s, if I’m still dating in my 30s god help me then I have no doubt I will have this experience again. I’ve had it when I’ve been communicating every day leading up to a date, when I’ve stayed silent and everything in between. I’ve had this happen when I’ve been early, on time, and late to first dates. This happens regardless of what YOU do. This speaks to problems that are solely in the other persons life. Other people will make whatever excuse they want to justify standing you up. No matter what you have and haven’t done that provides ammo for that. The takeaway: people suck and think they can treat you however they want, especially when you’re a new person in their lives.
"He's an army vet ladies, stay away."
He's doing the same thing women do when they give faulty dating advice to their friends. He's mudding the social market in the hopes it knocks him up a peg or two.
She wasn't there. She stood him up. That's why she blew off the date but wanted to reschedule. That's why the talk about not confirming same-day. She wasn't there. She stood him up.
8 minutes absolutely falls under "5-10"
Lol you're right, I was nitpicking
There is a double standard here. men are not allowed to be late, while at the same time women are permitted to be super late like an hour plus late, and we are just supposed to be ok with it.
“Dating in my 40s is like waiting for the guillotine”
Damn the dramatic nature of that comment made my empathy kick in. good thing I met my true love/husband in my twenties 😫
"...and the blade isn't even sharp."
Dating in your forties is EXACTLY like that.
Regarding the "If I hadn't told you..." comment:
What I heard, and what I think he might have been trying to say (with benefit of the doubt) is "If I hadn't told you, you _would_ have been mad", but his words slipped and said "wouldn't" instead of "would". I thought he was coming from an angle of "I didn't want you to get to the restaurant, me not being there, and you thinking I had ghosted you. Therefore, I sent a text to let you know I'm on the way and not to worry."
As for being late, depending on how big of a city you're in, 5-10 minutes late could easily be attributed to bad traffic, inability to find parking, or finding parking several blocks away and having to walk.
My question is, what is there to discuss over text once a date has been arranged and confirmed? Like, this person is (supposedly) a complete stranger and the first date is meant to have a face to face meeting during which rapport can be established. Doing that over text is way weirder to me since, unlike the date, it amounts to cold calling someone without the connection of having met face to face. That said, what do I know.
I'm an IT guy so I'm already around a device. I like texting before dates because it's a great way to get to know them. I'm not all concerned with not looking "masculine". Now I have had multiple women I've dated tell me they are ending it because I wasn't "masculine enough". I'm so glad I dodged those bullets, and my wife loves me for me.
I used to study couples therapy, I was only 1 of 2 men in the research group. When we were reviewing footage, EVERY time we had a couple with a man who was emotionally available. One of the women would say "God, he's such a p***y." then realize they said the quiet part loud.
You just identified the woman with toxic standards that are going to assure she's stays single for very long time. Women with that attitude are the ones that are only attracted to chads cuz they have no respect for themselves & their only frame of reference of masculinity is horrible & toxic so an emotionally intelligent man comes across as weak to her.
We've been told by society that one thing is good, but we're generally hard wired for the opposite. Then people wonder why it gets all messed up and people consider dating and relationships extremely stressful.
A word of caution, dadvocate. "If you express that you think I'm too good for you, that you're worried you're going to blow it, then why shouldn't I believe you? You've been honest so far." Is not the advice or the wisdom you think it is. EVERYONE has moments of doubt. NO ONE is so wholly sure of themselves that they believe they are infallible. I bet to this day even you have moments of "this youtube career is amazing but there's no way it'll last. Either I get cancelled or I just fade from obscurity." If you are telling men "dont approach women with the mindset you'll blow it," you are not saying "just be more confident." You are saying "just lie to her, every time you have doubts or worries or pains, just lie. She won't help you if you tell the truth, she'll just leave you. Suck it up, don't ever open up, don't tell her your worries or doubts. That's pussy behavior. Real men just suck it up and lie to their partner."
I have yet to meet a married man or a guy in a long term relationship that doesn’t say something like this…
I married way above my station, that she is so amazing that he can’t believe she is with him or married him. Self deprecating maybe, but shows that he feels she is so special to him.
That's exactly what she's saying and the fact she can't see that but wants to try to understand men is quite disturbing.
It is one thing to think that are you lucky to have gotten your partner and a whole other thing to tell it to a woman you are dating. If my partner said something like "I would have blown it, my sarcasm is too much to handle" (like he implied), I would be offended. He doesn't know me yet. He can say something like "Hey, please let me know if my sarcasm is too much, it doesn't always translate well over text".
Phrasing is everything. And saying "You are too good for me anyways" to a stranger just shows that you have some issues to work through as you are clearly putting the other person on a pedastal.
I wouldn't say it out of the blue, but what if my wife has just nursed me through a stomach flu? A "you're too good for me" isn't inappropriate, it's a different way of showing gratitude for something you did.
@@chaospoet
Yo, relax, one mistake in hours worth of content is not that big of an issue.
I'm 48 and haven't dated since 38. I learned a long time ago that something is wrong with me that repels all women. I gave up, and I'm too depressed already to throw constant unyielding rejection that is dating on to the pile. I don't need to be told by women that I'll never be good enough for them - the message is well internalized at this point.
Hmm, women get annoyed with me and it really doesn't bother me because I think I'm probably not supposed to last with a woman and I don't worry too much about it. If I get bored, I'll go on a date and it probably won't work out, but it gives me something to do for an evening.
I am 50 and been widower since 2020. All I have seen the past year have made my decided to never date again.
I'm sorry that has been your experience, my man. If you didn't do well with dating ten years ago, you probably should keep away from dating now... at least that's what I hear from men in the dating market. I'm fortunate enough to be in a long term relationship and I don't think I'd be much interested in dating if I were to find myself single again.
Just don't tie your self-worth to how interested women are in dating you!
same
@ I was homeless on the streets from 2003 to 2015(cause of my ex wife). Then I only got about 5 years before my L.F. passed away (we were never able to marry). If it wasn't for our daughter I wood be a woods hermit.
As a recently single 42m I cringe at the thought of dating in my 40s. Mainly because of growing up isolated and not learning social skills that most others did, but also because of the extreme feminism going on these days.
The amount of effort we put in to not appear 'desperate' early on explains a lot of things. especially lat 30s and 40s. You dont wanna jump right into texting after getting her number "so as not to seem desperate." Same rules and not over texting without responses.
You say women want a man to present confidently, but my ex was the opposite. She seemed to like me more when I was self-doubting and not sure about the future. The troubles started in our relationship when my career took a major upward swing and I suddenly felt a lot more confident about myself. The more I talked about our future, the less she seemed to want to be a part of it, until things fell apart.
You can't really make blanket statements about any group of people. "All dudes love ass". Sure many (maybe most) do love ass but some don't.
Statements with qualifiers like "most dudes love ass" would make it more right.
Everybody is different in their own way and if the Internet has taught me anything, if something exists there is someone who finds it appealing.
There are people - of every gender - whose greatest asset is a partner with no boundaries.
@@Kyle496 Agreed, its like saying all (insert minority group) have poor parenting skills and are violent. Grouping people was something useful back in early tribal days but now its just an unconscious bias that hurts our ability to communicate.
@@thedadvocate You forget, most women are wired to be hella picky, That's why it looks like this poor fella in the TikTok is navigating a minefield.
At that point either her "reclamation project" was done so she lost interest, or you were going to eclipse her as you grow which didn't appeal to her at all. Sorry for you going through that. Glad your career took off.
One: she had done NOTHING to earn that level of time or attention. This was a FIRST DATE. Not her boyfriend.
Men in their 40s are busy. If you need me to call you multiple times to remind you of an agreement you made? You are a child, not an adult. As a grown man, if I tell you I’m going to be somewhere? I will be there as long as I’m still upright.
The fact that she stood him up reflects poorly on her…and she lost out on a good guy. Too bad. So sad.
Two: the comments shows why most of these women are still single. Men who have their lives together, just are going put up with this. They are just going to move on to someone who isn’t so toxic and entitled.
Three: People need to understand the difference between what is a personal preference and what is disrespectful. This woman stood this guy up over a preference. Showing that she’s petty and immature. Especially since she expected him to read her mind.
Being late is disrespectful, in all circumstances. Unless something happened that is ENTIRELY out of your control, it says the kind of person you are if you're okay with being late. Being busy isn't an excuse for being late. It shows you have poor time management. If you're not early, you're late.
@@williameldridge9382 Nah, that's bullshit. I always confirm with someone before going somewhere, and expect others to do the same.
@@williameldridge9382 Not everyone works a job where they have full control of their time, and there are situations where unforseeable things happen.
If someone shows up 30 min+ late (without a call), sure they are being disrespectful. But if someone is a few minutes late (with a reasonable explanation), and you’re getting bent out of shape?
That’s being a bit too rigid. Which, imo, is it’s own turnoff. Because, in my experience, people who are rigid are difficult to get aling with because they need to be in control.
If a woman expects you to read her mind she is immature, and not an actual adult therefore. If she has qualms about anything she needs to learn to speak up or go away.
I find texting a bunch before I've met someone *hard*. Without having seen or heard someone irl I find it hard to read how they're responding to texts. It's not that I refuse, but I do find it hard.
It's definitely worth sending the "looking forward to seeing you tomorrow at 7:30" text the evening before though! One thing that's helped me is meeting in a time range, though! If you're meeting "between 7:30 and 8:00" then get there 95% of the time at 7:30, and if I'm 5-10 minutes late it's still within expectations. And if my date arrives at 7:45 apologetic about being late I can tell her she's still arrived 15 minutes early and I'm glad to see her.
Of course, I've still ended up single at 35, but I'm at least getting a few dates in before things go wrong!
Damn and I get scolded for that strategy for time
I just turned 50 a few weeks ago, so I'm well versed in dating in my 40's. The phone number thing is a tough call because women are different: some want an immediate response and others will think an immediate response is too aggressive or the guy has absolutely nothing else going on, and neither of those things is very attractive.
He is only 40+ ... He wasn't born late enough to be old enough to fight in Vietnam...
I was going to say this. I'm in my mid-sixties and I graduated high school a few years AFTER the Vietnam war ended. Vietnam ended before he was born.
Thankfully, dating isn’t something I need to worry about (9 years married, been together 16), but if I did, I never would. I meet through friends, and that my friends are all with their own families, I don’t see them much anymore. As for texting, I like conversations through text, but at a certain point, it gets annoying. And I OFTEN come across wrong in text, so…my wife won me over after we had a 90-minutes phone conversation I had with her while I was waking home from the auto shop, walking two miles home, decided to call her. That conversation cemented my desire to move forward with her. Overall, I simply dislike discourse that isn’t in person…and I’m an introvert.
I think something interesting to note is that he didn’t say he didn’t “start conversations” with her, he said they didn’t text.
Which means she didn’t text him either.
This goes for both general communication AND confirming the date.
Why does she think she can hold him to such standards if she does not follow them herself.
Somewhere along the line people lost the golden rule. Instead of "treat others as you want to be treated" it shifted to "treat others as they want to be treated," but many also think this only goes one way.
Because most women are hypocrites. They are used to contributing MUCH less than men.
I mean if she didn't send a single text in all that time, then she probably wasn't all that interested.
Because she felt like the prize and wanted to be chased/lusted after. All that “don’t chase, attract” messaging from female self help and advice books/tiktoks/videos/articles is PREVENTING THEM from actually initiating things with someone they like, and actually hindering their GREAT POSITIVE CHANCES of being with a man they want.
Work or traffic Could cause anyone to be late for any appointment. From my generation she would be considered high maintenance. Thank God there was no social media or texting in my dating years.
Also, STOP TEXTING and call people for dates people.
It was a first date and already confirmed, as a 20 year older man he is not wrong from my generations pattern of dating.
Talking on the phone freaks Gen z out, so thats a no go. Mostly because she's texting 12 other people and can't do that while on the phone with you.
@@johnserosanguineous1886 wow
@@johnserosanguineous1886exactly this. Calling a girl nowadays results in your number being blocked in her phone
@@johnserosanguineous1886 the dude in this video wasn't dating some worthless genZphuck!
Jesus I'm sick and tired of hearing what genZ *CANT DO OR CANT COPE WITH*
@@johnserosanguineous1886 Why would you want to date someone who panics over communicating over the phone?
Tardiness (less than 10 minutes late) to a first date is like tardiness to an interview. It is VERY bad form, and can border on disrespect if you do not handle it correctly.
We all know that life can be unpredictable, and things happen -- traffic, flat tire, etc. The test is how you handle it.
There are ways to help salvage the situation when you are late.
1 Plan ahead. You should have left AT LEAST 10-15 minutes earlier than necessary to be on time, so a 20 minute problem will only make you 5 minutes late. If you text when you leave that you are on the way and looking forward to it, you do not come across as irresponsible if something goes wrong.
2 Give ADVANCE notice. You have to warn the person that you might be late BEFORE the appointed time. Do this as early as possible. This is adjacent to rescheduling the time by 5 minutes..
3 CALL! Do not text that you will be late. This way you have a better avenue to ensure the person feels valued and respected. It give you the opportunity to communicate that you really are looking forward to the date, and that you are excited to spend time with this person.
4 Do not ask to reschedule to another day. That just sounds like you are not invested, and are trying to get out of the commitment.
5 Some of the impact of tardiness is that the date doubts that you actually want to spend time with her/him.
Be AWESOME upon arrival. You had better put effort into being worth waiting for.
6 Be forgiving of your date's imperfections, too. If your date is cranky or rude about your tardiness, that is fair, so do not be indignant. Remember, you are late, and you in the wrong,
I'm nervous 😂 umm I love what you do so much. I am a trans woman who has always loved men being themselves. Dads are adorable. I hate false accusations of toxic masculinity. I hate the trends of humiliating and dehumanizing men. You are the first RUclipsr that I got a paid subscription to. I am just starting out as a content creator and, inspired by you, I want to do something similar.
Please reach out to me!! :D Best way is lauren@dadvocate.net. I would love to give you some tips!! Glad I caught this comment so fast
@@thedadvocate I just sent. Thank you for reaching back as quickly as you did.
I’m in the camp of keeping texting to a reasonable minimum. Mainly because it makes me feel like I’ll exhaust conversation topics during the date itself. Rather talk face to face.
However, going silent after setting up the date until you need to say you’re running late is a bit much.
Alternative:
- Ask her out
- Set a date and time, not a place
- On the day of the date, confirm and figure out the details.
This way you still keep the texting to a minumum, but still show you’re committed to the date. Plus, you’ll weed out flakers because they probably won’t respond at all.
My issue with all the pushback against the 'lack of texting' before the date is this... It's fair to assume that these two people don't know each other. Maybe they met in a grocery checkout line, thought each other were attractive, and were at least interested enough to learn more. There is little rapport and there little to go on for conversation. While texting you lose a ton of intonation and inflection and, until you get to know that person more, you won't be able to recognize their intent in text. You learn those things from interacting with them *in person*. Hell, my best friend and I have known each other for 25 years and still sometimes get wires crossed in text.
Moreover, with just a base level 'this person is hot' metric - you can think that about a stranger on the street you've never even said hello to. Would you devote extra time out of your busy day to text a stranger you know nothing about? (this is rhetorical...). Time, especially in your 40's, is a valuable commodity. Once I've learned more about you and I feel you are worthy of my time then you can have it and, vice versa I respect your time as well, so I will not waste it I don't feel a connection. Once those initial hurdles are cleared, I'll be more than happy to continue to give my time to you and match/mirror your time investment into me as well. Some people this exchange is rapid, some people its a slower burn - both are OK.
TLDR: first date is a fact-finding mission to see if someone is even worth your time. It's an interview for stock purchase into your time - which is one of the most valuable things you own.
Also, the woman have a responsibility to engage as well. If she wants her potential partner to text her, maybe it is smart to... you know, start a text conversation? I understand if you try to text and you get "Mhm" and "yeah" to everything you send, of course a date won't work out. But you can't just be this passive sludge that doesn't do anything to try and build the relationship and then be angry that he didn't engage.
Don't text too much *or* too little.
_Be a mind reader._
If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late. And if you're late, you're fired.
Communication is key. He texted that he was running late.
Could be have managed his time better? Perhaps. But traffic can be fickle. Lately I've had to deal with multiple construction projects along most, if not all, of the ways from my home to work. Some of those detours also have detours, with fresh construction or utility pole work popping up and closing off yet another road. And then there's a train.
*Seriously* ⁉️ I'm just trying to get to work.
But saying that _we'll have to reschedule_ for texting that he'd be 5 to 10 minutes late?
I don't know about y'all, but I'm not scheduling anything else on a date night. Apparently she had other plans immediately after their appointment.
It was supposed to be a casual pizza date at an outdoor place, wtf.
The reschedule remark and complaining about not confirming on the day made me immediately think she was never going to turn up, either forgot herself or changed her mind and was looking for an excuse to push the blame. If you are planning an evening then ten minutes shouldn't make a difference and unless the travel distances were very different she should have already been on her way as well.
The woman blew off the date because she was never gonna show up. His "I'm gonna be late" call just gave her a perfect excuse to put the blame elsewhere.
I remember growing up in the 90’s a lot of tv shows like friends made a big deal about guys waiting before they call the girl because they didn’t want to seem needy or desperate. I’m in my 30’s so a gentleman in his 40’s probably grew up hearing that kind of strategy and incorporated into his dating habits.
obviously this 5-10 mins late thing only applies to men, because it sure as shit doesn't seem to be an issue when a woman turns up 20mins late.
Of course! The woman can show up at any time she wants and the man should just be happy! ;-)
@ If you tolerate double standards you are part of the problem. If she expects you to be on time period, then you do the same. You ghost her and move on, her loss. Toxic people are not worth the time of day, much worse if its a potential future partner whose toxic.
@@user-gz4ve8mw9l, yeah I was being sarcastic as indicated by the winking smiley, but maybe I should've ended my comment with my patented _"because that's equality! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯",_ to really drive home the sarcasm.
The 3 day waiting period is a time honored tradition among dudes. It's considered the appropriate distance from getting the number so you still appear interested, but not desperate. It would make sense that you don't understand this as it's likely never applied to you lol.
Hell, Dadvocate, I've been turned down for dates for being a USAF vet let alone my PTSD.
Same here, USMC vet. You’d be surprised how many gen z college girls are keeping the whole “I don’t date baby killers” thing alive
@@dylanbinkley266 Or "OMG, you have PTSD, you must be crazy."
@@jakobroynon-fisher9535 that also. One time I was dating this girl for a couple months and I mentioned I had a VA appointment to go to and that was her response. I cut ties with her since every discussion we’d have together and I gave my point of view was different from hers she’d go “that’s the army for ya, turning normal people into monsters” and didn’t like it when I’d correct her that I was a Marine
@@dylanbinkley266 yup... I know that all too well.
@@jakobroynon-fisher9535 "Only when the voices stop talking to me."
ah i remember that crap about waiting a few days before calling back in the school days. it was considered creepy if you would call the same day you got the number. no clue why...
One of the most memorable first dates I ever had (in one of the best relationships I’ve ever had) was one where I showed up late. It was back when I was in college, and I lived about 1.7 miles from the restaurant, so I figured I’d just walk there; but I misjudged a little and ended up about 6 minutes late. When I got there, I kind of had to pee, but since she was already waiting and had already been there long enough to order a pot of tea, I didn’t want to be rude and immediately head straight to the bathroom. Fastforward 2 1/2 hours and 4 or 5 glasses of water, and my bladder was screaming. At the end of the night, I walked with her back to her car. There was a big electronic sign right outside a nearby bank that said it was 11°F out, and knowing that I had walked there, she matter-of-factly told me that she was driving me home. The conversation continued, and she was telling me a personal story most of the way back. A week later, on our second date, she told me that she thought she had scared me off because I apparently looked very uncomfortable; so I had to admit to her that I just had to pee really, really badly and we had a good laugh over it.
LOL
So I am a U.S. Army Vet.
Let's just say that we get a bad rap when it comes to marriage and dating for a reason.
Granted this usually applies to the younger guys who end up either marrying the stripper or marrying their girlfriend just before a deployment....
lol Army buddy did marry a stripper it lasted about 1 year
@@geobooo Yup... That is about right.
I lost count how many soldiers I know who did that. I do know that three of my soldiers were dumb asses though lol.
My husband and I got married in Aug 2004. He enlisted in October of 2004, deployed the first of 3 times in March 2005, and we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. But we knew each other since October 2002. We'd been together since February of 2003. But man, we saw our share of tag chasers and stripper marrying 😅
rejecting people for voluntarily joining the US army is always 100% morally correct. doesn't matter if they're male, female or anything in between.
@@GenXfrom75 Nice and congrats.
LOL damn I have not heard tag chaser for a long time now LOL
The worst ones were officer wives. Damn depedapodomi always trying to use their husbands rank!
That reaction that if he wouldn't have told about being late she would not be angry may have comes from experiences like when somebody becomes angry at nonsense things just because you gave the permission by admitting being wrong. It is hard to differentiate if you get a lot of reactions like that.
She didn’t even show up because he didn’t re-confirm that morning. He could have been on the dot on time and been eating solo.
Traffic happens
I had a date recently text me without explanation say she can't do 6 and asked to push it back to 630. I was fine with it because she gave me ample warning about the time change.
It would actually be a huge green flag for me if she shows up late for a first date, especially if there’s an apology.
Less likely to be uptight, more likely to be spontaneous, less likely to make a long string of hyperbolic assumptions about me when I show up to something late, which will definitely happen sometimes.
I'm 43, married for 13 years (still married). First wife, who left me while I was deployed ("irreconcilable differences") 17 years ago has reached out with regret... and rolled right in on complaining about dating in her 40s in the current dating scene.
Sucks to suck.
Aha! I can answer this first question! Why would a man wait several days before calling a woman who gave her number? Because that was the rule when we were younger: you were required to wait 2-3 days before making that first call.
Note that this man is in his 40s. That means he was in his prime dating years in the 90s or early 2000s. And at that time, the dating rule was that you had to wait. If you called the very next day, that meant you were a "stalker," and you would be immediately dumped. If you called two days later, you were pushing your luck, but you might have a chance if you were a smooth talker or the call was close enough to the weekend. Generally, three days is the ideal target, but if the guys are popular or attractive enough, they may try to push it out even further--go see the movie "Swingers," which is based entirely around this 90s dating ritual.
So many of our dating "rules" are based on insecurity and fear, and designed almost entirely by teenagers. Unfortunately, most people simply never question any of these rules and just shuffle through life, mindlessly obeying whatever the other kids or authority figures are telling them. It doesn't matter how illogical or absurd these made-up rules may be. Most people will just get in line and do as they're told.
Remember all those "will they, won't they" romances on television, like Friends, where the couple clearly loves one another yet are too timid and insecure to ever step up and do anything about it, for fear of rejection? That is the mindset that defines the dating scene. You have to be bold...but not TOO bold! You have to be confident...but not TOO confident! You can call the girl...but not TOO soon! Sound interested...but not TOO interested! You can bring her a single rose on the first date...but not too many roses, because that's creepy and scary! And may God Almighty have mercy on your soul if you give that woman flowers after the first date. I did that in my twenties and got promptly dumped three times in a row. Alright, then. Lesson learned.
You may ask yourselves if these experiences make men overly cautious and less willing to be emotionally vulnerable, rendering them "unromantic" or "aloof" in serious relationships? Are you feeling upset that your husband doesn't bring you flowers more often or write love letters? Well, here is the reason why.
Being rejected hurts. I know it's a cliche to point this out, but men are not made out of stone. We have hearts, we have feelings that can be hurt or broken. And it is never easy to put yourself forward and risk rejection. Almost always, those who are wounded will become more withdrawn and cautious, and since it is extremely fashionable for women to criticize men for being so useless (although to be fair, there are so many bad men out there, which also reflects the same lessons), this makes us far less willing to make that bold move, make that quick phone call, write that sonnet, pick those flowers, or open our hearts.
In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
I suspect the dating rules on phone calls have changed today, due to social media and dating apps, which have opened a whole Pandora's Box of horrors that have turned people into narcissistic monsters. So women out there, particularly those dating middle-aged men, would be strongly advised to show a little patience, understanding and kindness. But we should always behave that way towards one another. Life is precious and short, and we all need to be loved and desired.
We need more John Lennon and less Frat Boy Dudebro.
PS: The idea of calling a woman the SAME DAY she gave you her number? I'm getting a mild panic attack just thinking about it, and I can be like Gomez Adams when it comes to romance. If calling the next day proved that you were a serial killer, and got your sorry butt dumped, what would the same day cost me? Again, the movie Swingers literally has this happen between the romantic leads, so go check it out.
PPS: Is it "unforgivable" to be five minutes late to a first date? Are you kidding me?! Is this a joke?! Is this on the same level as cheating? Did he spend those five minutes hitting on other women? Do you have any idea what a marriage involves, how much work, dedication and sacrifice is required to make that work? If you are going to walk out on someone over five minutes--something so TRIVIAL--then you deserve to be single. You do not have the patience nor the skill set necessary for a longterm relationship. You are just looking for an excuse to fail.
Regarding the confidence thing. As a guy, I've been treated like I'm always disposable by women. Like I'm not a human being.
How can you be confident if that's all you receive? Also that unless you're completely happy being alone, you are undeserving of love.
I just don't understand. All I wanted was a wife and kids that I could love and take care of.
Fake it, just make your faking confidence and not arrogance. You'll probably fail quite a few times but practice makes perfect.
Eventually you won't need to fake it as much. I've been married for a few years now so it must've worked.
As a woman who also knew of only rejection until almost 30, you can find confidence. Putting effort and time to build yourself up to be the kind of person you want to be where you can be proud of yourself is where the confidence comes from. Because even though those people rejected you, if you can look in the mirror and be happy to be you then no one else’s approval will matter. Loneliness sucks, and confidence doesn’t help that but rejection and confidence do not have to be correlated. Know your worth and build that worth (not the fake self-worshiping worth people push out, but the blood, sweat and tears worth that took time and self discipline to gain). That is true confidence. You don’t need a woman’s approval to find that. Good luck to you. 🙂
Thank y'all for the kind words.
On my first ever date with a girl, both of us turned up 25-30 minutes early because we both knew how important it was not to be late.
and?
I really think rules around texting has made dating annoying. Because on one hand, guys are told not to do it too much because you seem thirsty and desperate. Women on the other hand are forever told "if he wanted to, he would" and to "know their worth" so they take a guy not texting them enough as a sign that he's not really interested or that he's a player. It's just stupid all around.
I remember being punctual for dates and then being made to wait because she wasn't ready. So my 2 cents are things happen, and if they at least give the other person a heads-up I don't mind being patient.
As a 40 year old fella who gave up on dating 15 years ago, these videos help give me confirmation that I've made the right decision.
It was bad enough before social media completely melted people's brains, now it's a horror show.
I have a simply solution.
I just never manage to get her number, being autistic all these rules which everyone seemingly knows are a complete mystery, its like having to follow rules to follow facial expressions and vocal tones, but a 2nd set of rules about this stuff.
I JUST LIKE YOU, IF YOU LIKE ME THEN RECIPROCATE, this stuff saddens and angers me to no end.
And every single rule is subject to change depending on the person you're talking to. It's overwhelming. Learning regular social signals as a kid with autism was hard enough, this is just borderline impossible.
I feel you. It's ridiculous. These "rules" are so inconsistent as to be useless.
They're also applied and enforced in proportion to how attractive you are., i.e. if you're good looking you can be awkward or an outright asshole and it may be overlooked. And that isn't gender specific. Men will tolerate rudeness or insanity from an attractive woman the same way a woman will tolerate the misbehavior from an attractive man.
The ONLY rule that matters is: Be sexually (physically) attractive.
It's not aboute rules. It's aboute finding people that fit.
For some of us more people fit.
But we all don't know the rules if we engage with a human that doesn't fit.
If you get rejected it's easy to think there is something wrong with you. Most likely it's not.
People that reject you don't matterand their opinion on you has no weight.
Its like getting sad because nobody wants to eat your cake. Some people just don't like cake.
You will never be able to make them happy with your cake or make them appreciate it.
But it may very well be the best cake in the world and if you aren't able to find someone that loves cake, you will never know.
That's all I can say with my limited english 😂
@@adamant5906 No I will tolerate absolutely zero bs from a woman of any kind. She tries it once I'd be gone faster than she can blink.
You didnt tell a lie! I'm 50 and been in the dating pool for 10 years or more now with a few short relationships thrown in there. There has been no end to the mixed signals. First one says texting throughout the day everyday shows I'm too clingy, next one is upset when I took the first one's advice and didnt text very often. Next one never responds to texts until a day after I sent it, like, please tell me....what should I do? ...lol...the other large problem I have is that most women who are still single at 40+ have become jaded due to mistreatment, and now if you display any trait that any ex has ever had, then it means you are gonna be just like them. Its tough out on these mean streets. Maybe one day someone will come along, and I hope its soon enough to enjoy the years I have left with her.....
For the first time have to give @dadvocate a failing grade on this one. Like a 58.
Planning dates for a Friday night can be tricky because possible work and/or traffic issues are still in play. So, 5-10 minutes late being a deal breaker seems ludicrous to me. And he's right, he could've just rolled in at 7:39 PM, made up some random excuse for the 9 minutes and the data probably proceeds without a 2nd thought, but he decided to be completely honest/transparent. Unforgivable... lol.
Also @dadvocate comparing this to those who want credit for admitting to infidelity is also ridiculous.
But more than anything, this video and it's outrageous reactions just confirms my own decision to leave the dating game to others.
The whole Vetran thing really triggers me! I have had to cut people out of my life over this type of insane thinking! Over the past few decades it's gotten to the point that I actively attempt to hide my veteran status. Now, the only people who know the fact that I was in are those that feel I comfortable telling, or those that have been in. If ya know, ya know - or I know you well enough to explain it. I have to hide parts of myself from the world because there are too many people in this world that have a mental image of what those that have served are, that is simply wrong. It's either they ascribe to the wrong movies or the wrong "era of service", my service history is closer to the R. Lee Ermy military than the Pauly Shore military. It makes re-entering the dating world far more difficult than it should be, almost to the point that it is not worth it!
I definitely appreciate you taking the time to highlight this injustice to the veterans of the world! I just wish it was not necessary.
The reason I do not put up with someone being late, my ex-wife would make us late to everything. To the point we would miss the main event that I paid for.
If they call before they are supposed to be there and are actually on their way, I will give them some time. If they call late and say they are going to be even more late, I have already left the meet up place and I am out.
As someone who dated in my 40s, the phone works both ways but we are generally the pursuers.
Communication is key with most women. We are dating for a reason and so are the women available. Be clear and ask questions to how they like to communicate.
Then they say you're weak or not masculine enough cuz you have to ask. Admittedly women who act like that are idiots that will lonely for a very long time unfortunately those types of women litter the dating market making it so much harder to wade through the sewage to find a good one.
I'll freely admit that I will do everything I can to never be late for something like this. I do what I can to be in the vicinity of the place that I need to go at least half an hour before I need to actually be there. That being said. I absolutely wouldn't keep anyone to this standard. This is completely a thing that I do. If my date is going to be reasonably late then that's fine. The message saying that they are going to be late is a great thing. It shows engagement and responsibility. Bad things can happen and showing that you handle issues in a mature way is extremely important across the whole board of life. His argument that he could have said nothing and then have had a better outcome for himself is weird. That's a bizarre argument that I really do want to know, what lead to that conclusion. Her reaction was definitely not correct and just as immature a reaction as the one that he described. I'd still say that he is in the right. He only said the immature argument online. She was the one who actually did the immature thing in real life. Actions do inherently matter more than words. That is if we can believe what he says.
There is some issues that I take with him but that's more his mentality and his overall attitude. That doesn't really matter overall. His actions are completely fine. Him not wanting to text her throughout the ordeal is strange to me. It's not inherently a bad thing but it does not really convey interest. I may be reading a bit too much into his character but he comes across as potentially too independent. It's the way that he talks about having different lives and all that. Sure, you do have different lives but they should start to intermingle over time. He doesn't come across as a person who wants that. If this is true. He is in a small group of people who are only going to stay attractive to likeminded people. This is something that can happen to people in different ways but one of them is definitely having been single for too long. They either won't or can't engage with their partner to form something that both of them want.
I can attest to this having been single.....pretty much since 2015. I cannot form any kind of connection with anyone and it shows, maybe its a generational difference, maybe its a lack of regular socialization, maybe its just cause I've always been shy, maybe its cause my interests are nerdy, I dont know and anymore I dont particularly care. Its exhausting.
As someone who tries to just never be late at all to anything I commit to if I can manage it, I can attest this is real. I'm pretty patient with someone meeting me for a date, but I have to be sure I set aside more than enough time for the date and that I have nothing after it that day. My propensity for personal earliness caused some friction in my last relationship, but I never hold it against anyone when they are late to something as long as it doesn't feel they are blowing me off. I tend to draw the line around 20 minutes if there's no contact at all.
Contact throughout the week is something I've learned to try and instigate casually with option to open up but no requisite to do so. I've had many people tell me that I am "too clingy" even just over text. I saw someone else say that they appreciate being told what sort of communication would be appreciated, and anyone doing that before it's an issue is always appreciated.
NEVER text a woman the same day. They are narcissistic enough without you feeding their inner troll.
Riddle me this why would you want a narcissistic woman? Are you insane or a narcissist yourself or what exactly? Or do you just enjoy being a human punching bag for women?
It’s weird also that she won’t confirm it. He has to set up the date, propose the date, forum the date, and then later he has to confirm it again. When does she show any care on her end?
He should’ve confirmed the date the morning of or night before because shit happens, but not throughout the week because that’s just likely to annoy and is pointless.
It was when he said "I'm not a 10 year old girl, I don't text during the week, I have a life". Mate if you don't have at least a few minutes, maybe half an hour every day where you have time to message people you care about, you don't have a life. NOBODY is so busy that they have zero time every day to text you. If they don't text, they don't care.
The issue around first date tardiness is that nobody wants to spend a single minute worrying that they're in the middle of being stood up. By him contacting her he's doing a good thing to prevent that worry, but he doesn't care about being on time for important things, and she cares about being on time, or takes being late as a sign of disrespect. Awesome that they discovered they are not compatible without even having a single date.
What a pleasant surprise to see such a nuanced man.
Though as a man whom is also communicatively inclined, I feel surprised this whole "when to call" is so divisive.
Just do what feels right to you. If nothing else you two get a better feel for each other at a genuine level.
It reminds me of a saying I once heard on the radio; "Hold the door open for a person who limps. And they may either thank you, or feel insulted. But their (negative) reaction is not necessarily on you for wanting to be kind."
That's to say, for some people you can just not do right no matter what you do. That's a them problem, not a you problem.
My husband was about 20-30 minutes late for our first date because of traffic (he was coming from three and a half hours away). He let me know well in advance through three different means (email, text, and via the dating site we met through). Because he told me in advance and also was so thorough in making sure I knew, he still made a good impression.
"why would you wait a few days before you text her?". I can only speak for myself, but every time I have text or called in a short period of time (less than 24hrs), I have had that used against me as a example of how I am "clingy". Either that or been outright ghosted, likely with that as the thought in her head.
The reason of man loneliness pandemic is that if a man points out anything to a woman. Women gather around to protect her while most lonely men also sees this as an opportunity to support the woman to help their male ego. Plus internet can't accept to see men happy in a relationship for some weird reason and some single women tends to contact the female gaslighting them about their partner. Its more common than it should be.
Another reason why i don't use any social media except RUclips and luckily same goes for my gf
This is kinda why I don't want to set dates more then 1-2 days ahead, because I am fine with getting to know someone pre-date, and then it's like "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow evening?" Or "What are you doing this weekend? I think I got the saturday off, if you got time, care to make some plans by thursday?"
Thanks for bringing up the late rule.
My disability literally initiates with movement. I move I get sick. The more I move the sicker I get. The longer I'm sick the mores sensitive I get and the longer it takes to recover. Sick enough that when I was working I was waking up sicker than I was the day before until a huge fallout-sickness. I will not do that again. I'm just learning how to manage at a 'retired' level. Since this has left me unreliable, progressively over time the disability has gotten worse... blah-blah, I bailed relationships.
It is this rule, the late rule, that I had to work with in the past, and now am having to once again, as I am dating and I want to re-engage with my friends and family. Not yet, just asking folks now... In fact the best thing is for me to show up 60-90 minutes early! Or they visit me at my place. (Not the best 1st date place yet it is the best place for me not to get sick, 1st impressions...)
I have to say something upfront, like "It's like I'm blind, so no I can't just juggle as I cross the street", only I have this....
And that conversation... about just What all this I have IS, is... isn't a breezy one! I'll get to it... Just watching people's face when I tell them. Seeing them zone out. Even family. Let alone when meeting someone.
I photograph, was talking with someone I found interesting & shared that I often consider the look on the face of the person viewing the photo in some future. What do I want that face to look like.
Working on a dating profile that includes it somewhere! A link. Maybe a website.
Wow. Thanks. Listening to you helps.
I would like to add a few thoughts about the Vietnam comment.
from FlopDestroyer "He got so much sausage at Vietnam that he don't know how to approach a female".
The important parts were covered in the video but here are a few things I would like to add.
1) It should be IN Vietnam not AT Vietnam. Vietnam is a place not a restaurant.
2) The video is about dating in your FOURTIES. Vietnam was from 1955 to 1975 that was 48 years ago. He either wasn't born or was an infant.
3) This may be picky but, it is not "don't" it should be "doesn't".
6:49 He might mean that women are always late anyway. If he said nothing she wouldn't have noticed whether he was on time or not because she would have been late
I’m a woman about to turn 50 and I am dating after almost 25 years..
the man I met on pof 4 weeks ago and have been on a first date already and he is also 50 and he texts me every morning and 3nor 4 times a day.. our next date is next Saturday and I reciprocate as I like him as much as he likes me
@23:00 Another issues is how old does she think he is vs how long ago was Vietnam? If he's 40 then Vietnam long before he was born.
7:59 a confirmation is a confirmation you confirm it once that’s all you should need to do because IF there is a change they’d inform you what it is. Her saying “well you didn’t confirm with me a second time” it says “well I never intended to go ahead with those plans because I didn’t care enough to remember the time and date…it’s your own fault for not confirming with me an unnecessary second time that I won’t in fact be there.”
I'm seeing some other comments about waiting and it's what was instructed to me as well as a young man. Show some patience and don't come off as being too eager, especially if we've not already gotten to have a few longer baseline conversations to find those initial boundaries. A message or two the day before to confirm, or even better a phone call would have been in my wheel house. As for being late, it would have to be a matter of why. Generally I'm notorious for being early, but in the event of a traffic accident or something else almost catastrophic, I'd hope forgiveness would be offered, especially if good sense to call ahead was used as I would offer the same in return. Even without a catastrophe, if it's a new place and I don't know the traffic pattern, less than ten minutes is still not enough to cancel over if you ask me.
He didn't change from 5 to 8. He said 5-10. 8 is in that window.
Different comfort levels for frequent communication exist. Some are turned off by it, others must have it. Mismatches often wind up leaving the impressions of frequent communications being 'clingy' and infrequent communicators being 'not interested'. They weren't a good fit for each other, but it doesn't make either of them 'bad'...