I Am the Very Model of a Modern Climate Modeler

"I Am the Very Model of a Modern Climate Modeler"
HUGO FIRST.
I am the very model of a modern climate modeler,
Ecologist, empiricist, there's no one Aristotle-er,
Employing mathematics, theoretic and statistical,
And arcane correlation computations syllogistical; (breathes)
I prove that human action, agricultural, industrial,
Will overheat with CO2 the planet, therefore must we all
Obey the Queen of England's populational reduction goals (pause)
(emphatically) Reduction goals...
(Aside) And late at night I like to ogle Greta Thunberg videos.
CHORUS.
And late at night he likes to ogle Greta Thunberg videos!
And late at night he likes to ogle Greta Thunberg videos!
And late at night he likes to ogle Greta Thunberg viddi-iddi-oes!
HUGO FIRST.
I'm getting paid to demonstrate the world is far too populous,
Especially the poorer dark complexioned countries where we must
Kill off six billion babies, adults, teenagers, and toddle-ers:
I am the very model of a modern climate modeler!
CHORUS.
To kill six billion babies, adults, teenagers and toddle-ers,
He is the very model of a modern climate modeler!
HUGO FIRST.
The climate factors cosmic and galactic I must disregard,
They contradict the green agenda, I refuse to think so hard.
Atomic power doesn't produce very much of CO2,
But 'twill increase potentials of the population, that won't do; (breath)
'Twould mean from pole to pole more Northern, Southern, Central 'Mericans,
'Twould mean More Europeans, and more Asians and more Africans,
From poverty, disease, and hunger many people could be saved, (pause)
(with disgust) Could be saved?...
And dear old Bertrand Russell would be spinning in his honored grave!
CHORUS.
And Bertrand Russell will be spinning in his rotten stinky grave!
And Bertrand Russell will be spinning in his rotten stinky grave!
And Bertrand Russell will be spinning in his rotten stinky-inky grave!
HUGO FIRST.
My opposition to the Peaceful Atom isn't brains I lack,
But geopolitics taught me that "Green is Good." and "Snow is Black."
And if your mother disagrees, I may well have to throttle her:
I am the very model of a modern climate modeler!
CHORUS.
And if your mother disagrees, he may well try to throttle her,
He is the very model of a modern climate modeler!
HUGO FIRST.
The Green New Deal and Great Reset will stop greenhouse pollu-ution
And to the Human Question is a Final End Solu-ution,
But even a first strike at China and at Russia I would goad,
Protecting the environment from progress on the Belt and Road. (breath)
Alas, I fear too many people are beginning to defy
My peer-reviewed and flawless calculations proving they must die,
Perhaps they'll organize to generate eight thousand gigawatts (pause)
(in horror) Gigawatts!...
Instead of playing Grand Theft Auto as they fry their brains on pot.
CHORUS.
Instead of playing Grand Theft Auto as they fry their brains on pot,
Instead of playing Grand Theft Auto as they fry their brains on pot,
(Triumphantly) Instead of playing Grand Theft Auto as they fry their precious brains on pot!
HUGO FIRST.
And then we’d see the living standards and the population zoom,
For radical Malthusians like me there would be no more room,
With hundreds more of happy humans in each square kilometer,
I’ll be a very unemployed and moody climate modeler.
CHORUS.
With hundreds more of happy humans in each square kilometer,
He’ll be a very unemployed and moody climate modeler!
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