4 Psychological Stages That Occur After Being Cheated On
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- When you've been betrayed and cheated on, there's more than just the six stages of grief. This video goes through 4 psychological passages you must go through after being cheated on before you can heal.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
Reaction Reset is a self-help series that explains the psychology behind why we react negatively and how we can begin to make a positive change. Subscribe for a new episode every other Wednesday!
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1 - Self blame self loathing
2 - Incredible sense of loss
3 - Anxiety
4 - Reduced self esteem
One of the worse things you can do to someone is cheat 😞
I cried my eyes out for a couple days when I found out my girl had cheated on me at the job we both worked at. Ain’t nothing wrong with being hurt and letting that out.
Cheaters own all of the betrayal. They are broken trash. Its nothing you did or could have done. They are 100% responsible.
Oh that’s not necessarily true… you could have contributed to him being ignored, no intimacy, nagging etc… no accountability on the woman’s end.
Thank you. Garbage. LOL
@@Gotoworkkk Nah - Cheaters ARE broken TRASH ,,, Just ask a child of the betrayed parent ,, The child will tell you the cheating spouse IS TRASH
@@Gotoworkkk there are NO excuse for cheating. If something is broken, you fix it, or you leave, but you DON'T EVER EVER CHEAT.
I am enough. I am enough!!!!!
It should be talked about more. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. Even worse than death at times. Not just in marriage but serious long term relationships too. Happened twice now..just too much.
Reading these comments make me feel very scared of commitments and relationship. If cheating can happen after 30-40 years of marriage, then what's the point of marrying!
Those people have actually left the marriage emotionally years ago, they just left physically at that point.
@@Curiousgal600 If you had a 50/50 chance that your parachute would open on a jump would you still do it? That’s marriage
It’s just so not worth it! Marriage is the leading cause for divorce.
@@Gotoworkkk Certainly! I'm too scared to be alone but also to get hurt in a relationship.
@@Curiousgal600 being alone doesn’t necessarily mean being lonely. Having friends and family around and hobbies make life wonderful! I’ve been divorced for over 10 years now, and never been happier!
I didn't blame myself. I wasn't the one who cheated.
The same thing happened to me after 38 years. It's hell to go through. I never imagined my wife would do such a thing.
I’m sorry u had to go thru it.
Same here after 20 years and 2 kids she walked out for her affair partner! Flipped my whole world tbf but can't let it beat me ! I know I deserve better 😌
@@neilhedger6569 Same. 34 years and my wife left for the AP. Worst pain Ive ever felt! So sad for me and so sad for my 2 daughters.
My heart goes out to this young man. My wife of over 30 years,raised 5 beautiful kids together. Left the family this time last year for another man. It really hurt me deeply. All of these points your talking about are so true. I started getting counseling when she left and it has helped so much. Encourage this young man to work on both his mental health and physical health,it pays off.
Sorry to hear same happen too me
Painful! I do understand. Have been married 36 yrs. Noticed changes in my husbands demeanor 3 yrs after we married. He cheated, & then went for 3 others the next 32 yrs, continuing to LIE making the same promise HE NEVER DID & NEVER WOULD.
He's only sorry because he's been caught. 2 other married friends who engaged with the same Sex Worker are now divorced & it looks like we are NEXT!! 36 years & most of my life is based on DECEPTION!!
He refuses to let me go, as he'll lose more than half of everything, including his wife & his dignity. He's threatening suicide & only offering more EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION keeping me further in his prison.
@@suzannewilliams759 You are in danger!!! This is a man saying this.
Mine of 27 years had an affair and she stopped it, had issues with her for 15 years after that. Thought she currently she had an affair, then found out about the original one. The lies she gave me then and now. Have 4 kids she had her affair with 2 in high school and 2 about ready to be married. What a fricken mess.
I'm so sorry noone deserves that kind of betrayal 😔 I know this all to well and I finally let him go.
Interestingly after my wife's adultery my self esteem didn't suffer around other people, but it suffered when I was around her. When she's not there I feel confident and secure, while around her I feel self-conscious and small. It's very strange, it has been a few years and I'm usually happy to see her and I care about her, but I still feel insecure and unimportant.
Dude, you gotta leave her!
@@montrose252Yes, agreed and we are divorcing. It's a lot of work unwinding 25 years of marriage and kids but I'm gaining strength as I do it. Thank you.
I feel the same
@@happyd1479I'm sad to hear that. I pray for your strength.
I totally understand this feeling. When my ex is around me I feel like a loser.
My self esteem wasn’t so good before the relationship. She was beautiful. Made me feel alive again. Then she cheated now I’m back to feeling like shit. And worse than before. Idk. Just try to be patient
I believe in you. I hope life is treating you well now!! ❤
@@tuoctran43 thanks. I appreciate it. Life is much better now. Still hurts sometimes but I learned how to not let it control me anymore. Brought me closer to God. So in a way I’m grateful. Thanks for your kind words
@@AL-sg2jd Always brother
"You still have to walk through hell to get out" You're saying it so well, it's so painful to realize the man (in my case) you loved has been lying, coniving, cheating, has betrayed your trust, has been slandering, gossiping about you behind your back to someone you don't know; the disrespect, disregard. The one you thought was your lover isn't, has never been. It's all a lie, and on top in spite of proof (taped conversations) he still denies, pretending he was just talking to a childhood friend, it's not what you think, you're misinterpreting, etc, etc, the lying never ends, he digs himself in deeper and deeper. The hurt to your soul is unbearable. The tears never stop, you find yourself suddenly crying without even knowing how it started. Sam Vaknin has a good video on the subject of adultery.
But you’re still living with him?
My beautiful bride of 12yrs cheated on me. She is actually out of town with him right now! Cuts to the core! Makes me never want to put myself in this situation again! I own a business and she works for me so we still seen each other quiet a bit and had big plans! I'm not one to move forward from it. I honestly feel like she's someone else's now! It's one of the most hurtful things I've ever been though/going through! I feel deeply for those of you going thru this! Prayers! 😔
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I really hope you can find a way to remove her from your work situation.
Isn't it crazy how people change psychologically when they cheat? It's almost like they become someone else.
Do not stay! Work on identifying why you connected with this person, thats your part. I stayed with a man who had multiple emotional affairs.. after 38 years.. of marriage I look back over the years and I see how I made it comfortable for him to behave this way.. thats on me..looking back... its all on him ..
I am Praying 4 u now. So sorry.
@@justinhogue1 Dont Stay Im 68 yo been married fir 39 years to a man who had multiple emotional affairs snd betrayed me financially 2 .. I stayed for my daughter.. after she was off to college he knew I was planning to leave.. he developed health problems and I stayed.. BIG MISTAKE.. they never change.. your wife has serious character issues.. as does my husband.. when you get to be my age ( late 60s) you want to be with someone who you can look at and know loved and cared for you.. not one who cheated on you.. get out .. let her find a job outside of your business.. get therapy to help you gain insight and strength..you need to grieve what you thought you had!!! She has serious character issues..Shes not " beautiful" either! Shes an ugly natured person .. start looking at her for who she really is!
#4 really resonates with me. After i was cheated on i developed body dismorphia and started doing steroids cause i felt like i was cheated on because i wasnt good enough. Still struggling hard with this it robbed me of all self esteem and confidence. Before this happened i was very good at talking to women and had very high confidence. Now i can't even approach a woman without being overwhelmed by crippling anxiety that im not good enough for her to bother with me. Its so hard this has seriously damaged me emotionally and psychologically
This is what I'm struggling with now. I was the same way. I was confident and felt valuable to myself and others. After being cheated on and thrown away for the man she cheated on me with, I'm struggling to let go of the anger and be that confident man I once was before her. Let me know if you figure anything out, and I hope you heal soon and rediscover that self love. It wasn't your fault bro✌️
@@ryanfrank1309 thank you brother. Whats been helping me is praying a lot and having faith that God will restore my sense of self worth.
ZaneBerry I'm three years out and things are quite a bit better. It takes a long time and work but healing does happen. I think what helped me the most was a small group with other betrayed men. Our feelings and emotions are very similar, it is very validating to talk and I didn't feel so alone. I'll pray for your healing sir, and please know you are good enough, you're the same guy you were before only now you're stronger and wiser.
@@ryanfrank1309 I'm sorry for your struggles. I'm three years out, married over 20 years. It is much better after 3 years but I found it important to lean into every feeling, every anger, every hurt. Don't avoid, don't deflect, nothing, allow yourself to get as worked up as you want to, tears, sweating, hate, rage, all of it. You want your body to process all the hurt and grief, and let it be a motivation to a better you, hitting weights, maybe martial arts, work to advance your career, make more money, learn to invest, etc. These are all things that are important to do for yourself and nobody else cares about them but you. I'll pray for you brother.
@@wm7929 thanks man, I'm sorry to hear that happened. Good for you for getting through it and being able to help others. That's really cool to see. I've finally got my confidence back the last couple weeks and it feels great. I'm not 100%, but I'm not afraid to start conversations with random people and enjoy life a little. It's definitely going to be hard to be in a relationship in the future. I have no idea how I'll be able to trust another partner again. But I know I'll figure it out😊. Take care and thanks man!
I’m in shock because I thought she was depressed so I spent months helping her and she was sleeping with another. She was my best friend. We never fought
That was the same excuse I was told lmao. She wasn’t depressed. She was f’n around with other people. Yes it sucks, but I dodged a bullet. Glad it was only after 5.5 years and not decades like some of these other folks in this comment section. Recognize your own worth and that you’re deserving of more. Be selfish and focus on yourself physically and mentally. Quit bad habits, gain some good habits. It gets so much better. Only been 4 months for me and I feel better than I have ever felt in my life, physically and mentally
@@caynecsatlos8753 still feels like shit getting played like that. I’m one month out. Feel better but does that anger go away
@@AL-sg2jd 40 years and i am still pissed
@@caynecsatlos8753this is very helpful
Work on yourself
@@AL-sg2jd I'm 6 months out now and the anger is still there sometimes. I used to be full of rage every possible idle second with horrible fantasies I never thought I was capable of wishing for. Now I'll just feel a little sad when I pass by her street or see a car that looks like hers. Sometimes I feel anger, but it's not too distracting anymore. It does get better, it just takes time.
It gets better even though you don't see it. It took me a year especially since he was cheating and my daughter and I were grieving the passing of our son and her brother. It went on for 11 years because he was a pilot and she was a flight attendant.. I am remembering who I am again and so much happier.
My heart melted when you spoke up for us dudes. Thank you. Subbed
This was amazing to hear as a husband who has been cheated on. I am three years from D-Day and can relate to all of what you're talking about.
Currently going through this devastation and the pain is so great … I feel physically sick and wish I could crawl into bed and die !! But I’m a mum and I have to be here for my children… I feel so ugly …. And so low 😢 I am in the self blame stage and it’s disgusting…. I don’t want to be here … I feel like I’m grieving the life I should have had with husband and our children… now it’s been destroyed…
The grief and anxiety is so intense … the guilt for my children and what their dad has done to our family is overwhelming….
Take one day at a time, it’s the most horrible thing, I’m 5.5 years out leaving with 5 kids, he was abusive too so I guess it was a blessing, try to find a professional you can talk with and get some of your feelings out etc and be kind to yourself 💜
@@LizEarthAngel3 thank you 🙏 how long did it take for you to get over it ? Wow with 5 kids you’re amazing you should be so proud 🥹 you made the right choice for them and yourself !!
Allow yourself to feel the pain but do not allow it to devalue your self worth.
Be kind and gentle with yourself and your children.
He made his choice. Karma will get to him.
An affair never really ends psychologically to the one cheated on and the cheater remembers it forever with fondness and this fact influences his/her behavior which means the affair partner is always in your marriage. It never ends!
I was cheated on by the same woman, both dating and married.
The biggest regret was not leaving her right there and then.
We did split up years later, but now with a child involved.
My wife recently did this dirty deed to me and the kids...she monkey branched within days of telling me she wanted out...I looked at her and thought I've been living with a liar ... I've not shed a tear which is making me worried that I might be cold hearted...I forgave her the last time but now I feel nothing it's as if my humanity and warmth have disappeared into a void of nothingness...wish I could cry and cleanse my grief but I just can't...I feel inhuman!
You're not cold-hearted, you're subconsciously avoiding the pain by not allowing yourself to feel it. Possibly, it's because it gives you a sense of control that you believe you have otherwise lost, you're so scared of opening up the Pandora's box and/or any other number of things.
Trust me, the pain is all there and will demand to be felt. Maybe go to counselling/therapy to get help letting it out because otherwise it will express itself negatively. I regret not getting professional support after I was cheated on, I think it could have saved a lot of years of pain.
thank you - I was about to do really bad things to myself, drinking, doing whatever I wanted but this video gave me perspective, thank you!
Nobody is going to want to hear this but one thing in consideration of what shocked your whole being is that now that other person IS inside of you sort of an extra terrestrial that’s one reason in my opinion why the hurt can be so deep because of unauthorized person
I totally get this!
Jesus.....Young 22yr old afyer a 3year Relationship....finally catching her Cheating....staying n waiting on change then getting cheated on during that time is Horrendous. I gave her Everything, everyone Hates her, I can't begin to explain it. I avoided women while she spent time with Him. I'll get over it though, the year my sister had a tumor, my light got cut, eviction notice, my BSF of 9 years died..... I'm here with a different strength. I'm gonna get over it though....I always do.
They always think the individual can do better, when they don't.
Survivor of NPD abuse here, i have been cheated on multiple times in the same relationship (i found out abt all of the guys she cheated with at the same time) but i knew, she was the bitch there. Because she gaslit me, mistreated me, manipulated me and emotionally abused me, meanwhile i was giving everything to communicate and help. She gave subtle hints that something was off, leaving me in the dark, making me suspect things (in order to stop me from logical thinking) and when i tried seeking reassurance in a calm way, i got called controlling and appearantly accused her of cheating (i didn’t accuse her, i simply asked for reassurance and put it in a way that signalized that i didn‘t trust that worry). The relationship lasted for a year, first 5 months were entirely love bombing, the other part was complete drawback with occasional love bombing phases (that lasted for a day) And when i found out about the cheating, i felt so relieved, and i knew damn well i was the genuine and better one in the relationship. I felt that she just made a huge loss, and that i got a new chance to find genuine love
My ex fiance dumped me a week before the wedding. I didn't know it at the time, but he had knocked up his secretary. I think she baby trapped him.
"Everything was a lie" - exactly regardless of the gaslighting.
Would anyone consider going to see an ex as cheating? My wife currently had gone to see her ex-boyfriend to get a (gift) she says. It was a candle 🕯 but i was away with the Army. I've struggled with that for about 3 years now
Y. Not good.
You talk about working less? We were 3 days away from closing on a house, when she came home and announced she gave up her management job to go back on the front desk (a pay reduction of 700 a month). I had to take the extra work to pay the bills, or walk away from the deal and lose 24k (I should have, I ended up losing a 1/4 mil). My working 80 hours a week was her excuse, and going back on the front desk where she met him. It lasted 4 months and ended with a date rape. Imagine learning your wife was date raped 30 miles from home while your at work ... I loved her so much ???
I'm going through the anger phase , not at my husband I already went through that with him , but to the woman that he cheated with. Because she has moved on to someone else to do the same thing to.
Just found out that I got cheated on in a 7 year relationship 💔😭 I’m torn
Im going through this. The pain is so much. Its been a month since i found out. My confidence is down and I dont know what to do.
this is the first time I stumbled upon your video. I commented just to say thank you.
Thank you, subscribe and share⭐️
Living in TRUTH. ❤️
RELIEF!!!!
emotions are always real
but the worst adviser to follow
My ex accused me of cheating when I never did. He told his friends, my friends and my family about it. He also told me that his ex cheated on him but later he himself told me that she was talking to a guy but not cheating. Sometimes I wonder if people assume that their partners cheated on them, like my ex did.
If someone cheats ONCE there is a 350 per cent chance, they’ll do it again. In the stats: research it. Wish I knew this years ago.
Me too
I never blamed myself. The loss though... Doesn't feel like a stage. It's permanent. No matter the outcome, I'll never be the same. Anxiety is REAL. Self esteem?? IDK, I've always liked myself. Guys have never been very interested. That's not going to change, I have 7 kids. I still like myself, I have no expectations of finding someone else. I'm just sad, and looking at being alone the rest of my life.
When l found it, it was like being hit by a bus. Just pure numness and disbelief. I'm in a good place now. The AP was an overweight loser. I did confront him. That's the best thing l ever did. I felt at rest afterwards.
So with my situation, I was with my girlfriend and she was going through breast cancer. Now the whole time she was in love with a coworker and cheating with him in every way possible. Then he decided to end the affair he was married also by the way, and he told her basically she was nothing to him. Just before she had to have surgery and have one of her breast removed. I told her when she tried to do all the sudden love me and want to be with me forever, I said, why would I wanna be with a one titted freak?
😮😮😮
Thank you for this. Very healing ❤️🩹
Number 4 is a tough one to get over.
His reason was there is this happiness that you cant find in marriage but can find outside....lm still searching where he got that proverb from😢 l thought we were happy😢
Cheating is far too soft a term.
Betrayal
Most excellent work ! Thank you for this !
Yeahhhhh- please share my channel.
😢 dear God heal my heart lm tired , l dnt wanna loose myself
This is spot on! thanks
It is pretty difficult to prove that a wife is cheating in the first place. She can be absent, coming late home. She can start letting her go and gain lots of weight. Perhaps the woman could also look in the mirror?
I’m a woman and I agree it’s harder to prove a woman is cheating than a guy. Both men and women should look in the mirror and learn that if your not happy leave there’s no excuse for cheating
How is it harder to prove a woman is cheating? What do they do different than men that make it so? Please.
@@HarryAcorns sneaky behavior is a feminine trait by nature. Women excel at it because it’s in their biology. Hence cheating women is hard to catch. If you reverse this behavior, when men become sneaky, they’re prone to mistakes. And if they are very good at being sneaky, then by that same logic they’re more feminine 😅
The point of marriage is not happiness. If you’re not happy, you be an adult and figure that out, not leave… certainly happiness with an affair pattern is very temporary.
Thank you ❤
My ex girlfriend cheated on my multiple times with multiple different guys I found out that she was cheating on me from the day we made started talking she then started dating one of the guy she cheated on me with she then cheated on him with me so I stopped talking to her I later found out that she's been cheating on him with other guys, she's that bad that she went to his birthday on the Thursday and met up with a different guy the next day.. she blamed everything on me made it seem like I was the problem but I was never the problem and I finally realize that I was never the problem, she recently tried to talk to me again but I said sorry we should just stay as strangers lol
I hate my husbandand ill never forgive him!
Ma'am, the audio volume is too low.
I went through all these phases but in a different Oder
🙏
Question: is 18 years of a husband watching porn cheating? It was supposed to be over every time we talked about it over this time frame? I'm heartbroken and I do love my husband of 37 years but .....
Yes. He might be a sex addict, which means he needs counseling/recover therapy.
Yes, especially since he told you he was stopping. Any lie is a form of betrayal
Definately more women cheat
I’m so distraught right now. Myself and my wife have not been in a good place for years. We finally separated 7 months ago and got our own separate places to live. We’ve kept a decent friendly relationship with a few arguments here and there.
For the last 4-5 months we have talked about seeing other people. She’s told me repetitively that I need to. She’s said it when she was angry and she said it in times when she was not.
Well I finally started talking to other women and went on a date last week. She found out by snooping through my privacy and it caused huge issues. Like she’s really hurt and I’m so hurt for it. I feel at my lowest and she’s certainly making sure of that too.
Both wives cheated on me, and full blown PTSD was the result. But ya know what.. both really were my fault. I wore the nice guy who can forgive anything suit so well it gave the greenlight. Eventually tossed them both.
Learn about masculine femenine roles and stay in your masculine. Make it clear to your partner whenever necessary, that you have zero tolerance. I will throw you out on your ass. Period.
Watch that woman dote on you after you let her know she can be replaced, youre man enough to do it, and you have options.
Just cause u were nice doesn’t give them the right to treat u like that
🙈 ᎮᏒᎧᎷᎧᏕᎷ