One of my general orientations to communication is to never say anything about anyone that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying directly to his or her face. However, there is one exception to this orientation. It's a more advanced strategy, and it's what I'm going to discuss in this episode. Basically, you're allowed to say things about others behind their backs that you wouldn't say to their faces, if what you say is positive. This is such an underutilized social hack that most people won't know how to deal with it. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ruclips.net/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #gossip #relationship #social
That's really good advice. Adding to that, when someone trashes someone behind their back, it makes me feel like they're more likely to say things like that about me behind my back. When someone never says anything bad about other people behind their back, I feel like the glass will be at least half-full when they talk about me behind my back too.
Yes. Same. I get a bit scared when around people that talk bad about others. It's not a safe feeling. Just yesterday, a new coworker was talking about how hard of a worker the lead is. Now I feel like I want to be around that new coworker more.
@@yourfavoriteentertainment So what you're saying is you've fallen for something you're perfectly conscious of? Sounds like some confirmation bias to me
The positive reviews of previous relationships 1. It makes you look good stable and able to see the big picture 2. future people aren’t worried you will trash them if things go south 3. If for some reason you go back to the previous relationship you don’t look like and idiot glutton for punishment but just a guy/gal who was able to keep good people happy and doesn’t burn bridges. 4. Sometimes you put the ex in a position where they have to compliment you in return.
True! Always good advice which applies to situations in which you participate and have control over YOUR actions. Such as friends, family friends, exes, colleagues and relatives. You shouldn’t give any private or confidential details about either of them. Nobody does. It’s unethical to give private info to a third person, who is not party to the info. Its against relationship rules of any kind. No one automatically trusts someone’s spouse or fiancé. He shouldn’t have a need to know the private details of anyone, who you know. He’s nosy and unethical if he wants to know especially if you don’t ask him. This doesn’t apply to situations of abuse, backstabbing, and intrusion which there’s always a record of. Anything that you don’t consent to, is not your responsibility. Backstabbing, hateful and jealous relatives who have attacked for decades, don’t count. There’s a record of their behaviour being consistent and they won’t stop just because you have a fiancé. If anything, he should be warned in diplomatic terms. If a relative or weirdo asks a third person to be their eyes and ears, in your life, then you have the right to call them out. No weirdo or relative has the right to intrude in the privacy of your home and watch what you do, in the four walls of your home. It’s none of their business. Some things you have to tell your partner. You can’t avoid telling him why you don’t talk to your siblings when most people do. He’ll know what a normal sibling bond is like. So will you because you used to have one, once. He’ll see it from miles away. You can’t lie about it. It’ll be the elephant in the room. I’ve witnessed many people trying to avoid stating the obvious and it makes them look incompetent and immature. They never say what needs to be said. Nobody likes such a person.
You don’t take responsibility for other people’s actions when you play no part in their actions. You do not control other people’s actions. People do not intrude because of who you are. Your words and actions are not what cause people to intrude. They intrude because of who they are. You calling them out doesn’t make you unreliable or a gossip monger. It makes you a stable and healthy adult with boundaries, who doesn’t allow her boundaries to be crossed. That’s not an issue for any relationship and does not come under situations that you consensually cause, instigate, take part in or allow. It comes under not allowing such behaviour. For any sane person, that’s a good sign. It’s only a bad sign for intruders.
For the life of me, I have NEVER understood people who make announcements to people about girls/guys they like, their relationship, marriage or break up. Other than superficial information, it’s NONE of anyone’s business what’s goes on. I wouldn’t tell a soul. Not even my parents. I’ve never told a friend about an argument with my then boyfriend 13 years ago. I was a naive 20 year old and I knew better than to make announcements. My friends and I have NEVER talked about our boyfriends in detail. My friends don’t even know why I broke up. No one asked. No one cares. It’s personal choice. Girls respect each other’s choices. They don’t care. Many times, girls discuss their break ups after the fact. My friends and I, didn’t know more than who our friend was dating and most of the time, we didn’t even know that. We found out later. We had no clue why our friends broke up. We didnt ask. Sometimes, they’re share it indirectly. That was OUR unspoken girl code. We have never discussed our boyfriends or friends boyfriends with anyone. Not family friends, mutual friends, relatives or anyone. No boyfriend at the time was aware of what our friends were doing. We never talked about our friends and classmates to our boyfriends. They know nothing. The same goes for husbands. Its none of their business. We DENY all claims of our friends. We have an unspoken code irrespective of whether or not we have contact with one another or whether or not, we have the person on social media. The code is not dependent on superficial factors. In the worst of situations, we don’t break it. No amount of petty jealousy causes us to break it. This goes from all girls from both my schools. We have all followed this. The ones who haven’t, have faced the same in return and that hasn’t worked for them. We don’t discuss relationships because we KNOW that we stem from a judgemental conservative society and that kind of gossip can ruin our marriages, or lead to our relatives finding info that we don’t want them to have. All girls, irrespective of how liberated they may appear, are well aware of this and keep their mouths shut out of solidarity. The same goes for my family friends. None of us speak ill of one another to mutual friends, relatives, their relatives or third parties. That is our unspoken code which we have maintained for 2 generations. That’s how we’ve maintained our friendships. All relationships are built on a code of conduct. That code does NOT include gossip, slander or entertaining rumours. Nor does it include superficial criticisms of your friends by third parties and strangers.
I did this, even during the divorce trial. Nobody cares that she looked selfish or unhinged. We need to be real here. I agree with your advice, with one modification. Do not expect any reward.
One of The Four Agreements, keep your word impeccable at all times. I have been blessed by having a number of excellent men as my partners during my lifetime. That they ended or just didn't work out is another story. Although it wasn't always sunshine and roses, I remember these precious men only as the wonderful people that graced my life some for a short time and others a bit longer. I have also not heard that any of them ever said an unkind word about me, although I might have deserved it. Right now I am a crying mess remembering stuff.
Great advice. Gossiping and talking bad about someone by character assassination in order to make myself feel became such a common thing. Not realizing how twisted and what I real POS I was. It was just a way to keep the focus off myself. Scared of what people might actually think about me if they really knew who I was. Thank God I decided to do something different. Did a lot of soul searching and made some changes.
Ironically, I once complained to a neighbor that I didn’t realize how gossipy the neighborhood was (yes, I was complaining). I spend less time with neighbors these days and just find things a lot more blissful. Also, if your social circle is always gossiping, rest assured they are gossiping about you behind your back.
So one thing regarding this : if an ex is a narcissist, I really do not care about an interpersonal conflict with her. What I care about is how people will be viewing me as a result of either me talking behind their backs or of them talking back behind my back. People will be able to have low opinions of me based on either, and that's the main bad outcome from this. If an ex is a narcissist, there was already a fallout and it already ended badly, so the main real consequence is the optics of it. At that point it's just better to not talk about her unless asked, and when asked to keep it strictly factual, while still taking a good brunt of the blame. Now when you're trying to avoid interpersonal conflict, yes, absolutely. But then if it's also people you're not in bad terms but you'd still rather avoid encountering again, it's just better to not talk at all. The advice you're giving really only applies when you don't mind seeing the person again, because they might want to see you again after having heard what you thought about them.
I’m so glad you made this video. I usually speak positive about people I dislike and I’ve never been sure if I was doing the right thing - as in I was never sure if it made me look weak. So thank you
I've used this "technique", when talking not only about past relationships but also past work, people I have interacted with, vacations, etc. I really like the angle that we've chosen these relations and this means they have to be great. Being very hesitant with criticism gives you credibility, opens people up, and I feel is somewhat closer to the truth. Additionally, giving bad gossip is bad emotionally for us, focusing our mind on the negativity, while good gossip awakens positive feelings in us. Just don't go out of your way. If you really have nothing good to say about a given person then it is better to stay silent.
I too have done this for many years regarding past relations with persons and workplaces. I was married for 25 years and I think I have only ever spoken well of my past wife, also of most workplaces. I have moved around in work quite a lot and I have slipped up occasionally regarding that. As a child my parents taught me to do that. Gossip causes many interpersonal and social conflicts, even murders and other crimes. Believe it or not, even many wars are caused by gossip. Pride and defensiveness also cause conflict. Many years ago I stopped defending myself from accusations from anyone. It is surprising how much personal power there is in that, and how easily it quells conflict before it gets started. After a while most conflict going on around me started to look trivial. I do speak critically about the practices and cultures in certain fields and industries though, such as the psychology/clinical counselling/social work/welfare/education fields which I have worked in for decades and am familiar with their industry culture.
Absolutely find this to be true from experience. Especially when meeting new people. People tend to believe that you’ll look upon them fondly when you only have kind words for others. Making friends is much easier when you make it obvious to them you come from a place of warmth
3 managers, 2 ganged up on the third, who then resigned. #2 contacted the one who resigned saying "yeah, I don't agree with #1 blahblah" (in true hypocritical fashion). The guy who resigned screenshoted the email from #2 and sent it to #1, who are good friends outside of work ^-^ That's what just happened in my company these past few weeks. Made me laugh when I learned that.
Very good presentation. Thank you. I like your practical approach. If you want to nurture love and good relationships, this is paramount. I was taught this early on by my parents. This nurtures magical, social powers among family members and friends. It works.
“He was nearly always employed, and the few times he wasn’t, he hustled and was soon working again.” True! (As opposed to “He had a mistress who was always there for him and who hogged too much of his time: Her name was Work. “)
Thank you so much.. 💓 this seriously helps me. I had forgotten about this in having been freshly hurt. I was ranting to my family a bit about my ex, and I didn't say hardly anything positive. Sucks but even if she hurt me, i shouldn't talk badly on her. so thanks again ❤.
I have been in a superior position most of my working life and ALWAYS tell new people to "Never say anything to anyone that you would NOT say in front of EVERYONE!". This is probably the one personal rule that I've ever stuck to 100%, and it's never failed me. I don't have problems at work or outside of it with people at all. (At least not that I have been made aware!!)
I had a private tutor who talked mad shit about one of her friends, calling her "selfish" for wanting to spend time with her after forgetting her work schedule. It made me IMMEDIATELY distrust her. The next tutoring session, she tried to gaslight me into thinking I wasn't studying enough, she refused to answer simple questions, and wondered why I got mad at her and quit. Without her help, I passed the class with a high grade. School tutors didn't insult my work ethic or put up arbitrary barriers to my learning. Meta, I'm talking negatively about someone behind their back to illustrate how people can prove their own obtuseness for talking poorly about friends behind their back.
I had to go on the offensive with my ex in a custody battle. When you are abused and so are others go for the throat... tactfully. Present the facts and get your kid in the best place available to them.
I want to point out people's abusive behavior so that anyone who is blind to it can feel like it's ok if they want to get away. Because I needed that when I was young and didn't have it. Everyone covers for narcissists
@@janco333 As a child of a narcissistic father, I wish my mother had called out his behavior more for what it was. Not in an unhinged way, but her refusal to say anything bad at all allowed him to convince me that he was a better person than he is. This was very confusing growing up and contributed to similar relationship difficulties in my own life. Like selfless-esteem said, people can be blind to abusive behavior. This is formally called betrayal blindness, and it develops as a result of dependency on an abusive person for survival.
@@prohsodie same here, however my mother later on did decide enough is enough and left. Typically it is very tough to stand up to narcs cause they will assasinate your character and make you look like the bad guy.
When it comes to narcissistic ppl high on the spectrum it's probably best to say, if in a group or work setting and you want to say something neutral, say you wish them the best and leave it at that.
I still struggle with the general concept of playing essentially games and strategy like this in life. Positive things and negative things can both be simultaneously true. Why can’t you give people a well rounded objective as you can manage description of people, something approximating the true analysis of someone, giving credit where credit is due, but also shedding light on their less than perfect aspects as well, without getting too carried away or exaggeratory
@@TheDetectiveJ men are generally more logical. If you state factual shit, rather than exaggerating, you don't automatically become that unhinged lunatic for stating questionable actions
This degree of information as Orian states should only be reserved for close confidants. For the vast majority of aquantences just parse out the usual faint praise and move on.
Keyword here is responsibility. You can only take responsibility for your actions. That’s what you’re accountable for. No amount of words or actions, make you responsible for unwanted third parties acting in a manner that you have clearly demonstrated as unwanted, non consensual and a violation of your boundaries. You are not responsible for their actions. That’s not something that you answer for because you didn’t cause it or create an environment for it to fester. If you spoke up against it early on, it shows excellent judge of character. That’s a good sign. They have poor judgement if they continue to harass you, thinking that they’re pursuing you, despite being told off. This means that they’re using an ineffective method that has failed. That makes them look stupid. Not you.
Agree,100 percent. It does many things. It keeps you from being seen in a negative light but it also gives the other person a way to move forward. So if the person has changed it becomes a net positive and if the person hasn't then the person who asked you sees your side first hand.
3 things ive learned thru out my 20s NEVER TELL A GIRL ABOUT YOUR EX IF YOU DONT HAVE ANY THING POSITIVE TO SAY DONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS
I really needed to hear that, reassembling my life piece by piece after a rather rough divorce, no children or common possesions, so at least local laws don't fuck me up with alimony and such. Will try to follow that advice right now - she helped me find my passion in 3d printing and after coming back home from the place where we moved together I found a job in that field almost immediately.
I love saying positive things about people behind their backs. Typically I stick with this in my interactions as I learned when I was a young teen and young adult how even exposing the truth about someone can bring this type of negative judgement upon myself. The only caveat to this I would say is that I have been on the receiving end of severe abuse and manipulation before in the past, and they have used tactics like this to rally people to their side. The abusers (who severely abused me, I cut them out and tried to get help from other family members, to no avail) would “concern troll” and say they were “worried” about me and how much they “cared” about me to get others on their side. It was horrible because the abuse I went through was genuine and they painted me as a crazy person, when in reality I was standing up to abuse. I would say it’s a good way to go about things in general and to carry yourself in public. I would ask about your experience and thoughts on exposing abuse and if you find that my experience is common. I had to cut out my entire family, including extended, because they had built such a web of lies that it was pointless for me to continue interacting with them. In the end I was putting myself in danger, at risk for violence and also being gaslighted, told to go back to my abusers and completely invalidated. Sometimes I think it’s worth it to risk looking unhinged to speak the truth, as it is empowering, and to simply not worry about what anyone else thinks of you. Although, in general I still think this is a great way to manage interpersonal relationships with colleagues and the like.
One more benefit of this: the current person you're dealing with will trust that if you two had a fallout, you wouldn't rail them under the bus, given your positivity in similar prior experiences. You may occasionally meet the person who tells you "why do you speak positively of your ex, are you still in love with her?" That's also a tell sign of how they will treat you when things end between the two of you, so choose wisely
We Say a lot by saying less. The problem is sometimes people misunderstand what we say or they put words in our mouth. So you can sit there and say nothing and someone can easily falsely accuse you of saying something. I find people do that a lot.
I got to 1:25, and you got it. The power of positive gossip. How undermining it is to the gossip. If you ask anyone what I have said about them? They have a slew of nasty things that they project I said about them. Yet, the people they state their warped fantasies onto, are talking in a positive fashion about them to others. They don't match. They expose themselves as liars. They will then turn the positive things that you are doing, into harmful situations for the public. If you continue to spread positive gossip, including the "harmful" situation into a positive situation. This will clearly define in many individuals the experience of nihilistic thought the gossip portrays. Your optimistic responses to the experience, invites warmth, and charisma. Now. Let's see what you have to say. Your focus is more into the relationship aspect. I can see somethings in which we differ in thought. Optimism and Pessimism are each two sided. Both have beneficial, and malevolent sides to them. This is of course, comes from understanding emotions. How other's make you responsible for how they feel, and how an individual feels about the decision made in their life. That the massive majority of individuals; want validation, they are in the right to have a judgemental observation, and subsequent emotional reaction to their limited perception. I have fought this prevailing theology of every loser deserves the trophy that the winner worked for. Participation trophy for everyone's feelings. Validating a persons emotions, continues to spew out individuals that feel their way through life, without rational thought and accountability. Validating peoples emotions has lead to the lack of accountability we see in people today. They project their emotions onto the world, and thousands of people who should never have a licenses to begin with, and tens of thousands of coaches; validate their personality disorders.
I understand the possible benefits of talking positively about an ex. However, I would rather not talk about any personal comments of any kind regarding some I had a relationship with in the past. It's none of your business.
tell me, how on earth would this work? What will likely happen is that the person you spoke nicely about will seem like they were treating you with respect and kindness. And then when that person tells the same person how horrible you in return were, the listener will then realise that: a) You are horrible. b) The person you were being horrible to took it graciously, and in return gave you kindness. So you will end up looking REALLY bad. The listener will simply think "this person talked about how nice their ex was to them in order to leave out how abusive they themselves were to their ex". And then the ex, once spoken to, will confirm this.
@@FlobberwellGweneveve I think you're perhaps making a negative assumption- "something bad might happen if I do (x)." and- that's technically *always* true- about anything we might say or do (or might not say or do). so- is that ever-present possiblity a reason to refrain from speaking or acting? what kind of life is that, where we don't do or say anything that *might* have a bad outcome?
@@2ThineOwnSelf his entire technique is about manipulation. He never said "this person is essentially good and human nature can be appealed to for it's inherent goodness". No, he said it to manipulate. Thus, it holds with it the possibility to go the other way.
@@FlobberwellGwenevevewell, after seeing another of your replies (helping to establish a pattern), I believe I'm seeing the problem here: you are a pessimist. "his entire technique is about manipulation"? wow, really? you genuinely see the choice to communicate praise or gratitude (instead of slander and criticism) of a third party as *manipulation*? I mean, we're all here to learn life's lessons- but *no* lesson will help... if it can't be heard. good luck to you.
The only reason I talk negativily about people behind their baxks is when it conveys useful information to my listeners. I do not do it just to vent anger or frustration or damage subjectvof my convation.. I have no remorse in this. Warning people about impending danger is not malicious gossip.
i think most people are so cynical that they would side with the person who is shit talking and think the person who is saying positive things is just desperate and weak minded. Which isn't necessarily true, but that's just what I have observed in interpersonal dramas.
What pisses me off is my ex died before I could confront her about all the lies she told when my children were young. I personally like it when folks confront me about something I said because then I actually tell them what I think instead using words that would suggest caution in dealing with them. If I am to much of a coward to say it to their face I shouldn't say it at all.
Human's nature . People are flawed individual, imperfect . Understanding is the key. It is true in an example about a bond paper and a small dot where the small dot is the first we see . One of the spiritual teacher said : sometimes our thought is not who we are. Only few people see the different sides of people, of situations etc. Good morning 🌅☕ from Philippines 🇵🇭 while having coffee ☕😁
I get this argument and generally agree. BUT.. Orion mentioned coming across as reasonable (06:54). So here is the thing. What if the ex did really bad stuff, to the point it becomes unreasonable to talk positively about them? You'd appear as someone with bad judgement who lets other people walk other your easily. To hyperbolize: would you talk positive about _Hitler_ behind his back? Case in point, what if your ex betrayed you? Maybe having an affair with a close friend even? Trying to plant a cuckoos-child on you? I bring this example because: 1. It happened to me. 2. It's pretty common, so a lot of people should be able to relate at least partly. 3. Betraying someone who trusts you is ridiculously easy (with trust, there is usual no controlling each other) and there is no surefire defense/precaution against it. Hence the argument of "not being able to properly assess your partner" doesn't really work here. Just as your words will eventually find their way to your ex, the outsider will learn about your common past as well and will likely be able put things into context. Imho, painting a horrible person in happy colors would make you seem gullible and easy to exploit rather than confident and strong.
i would say view in two possible paths. 1. the relationship didnt work out, the reasons are trivial , so badmouthing them is pointless althought orion seems to be playing the revenge game on this but saying ah but you say nice things and they say bad things thus making them look like the crazy one. 2. they were genuinely abusive/violent etc to the point that it becomes a criminal act. if you says nice things about them , then people will think you are deluded and have refused to acknowledge what they have done( its a side effect of DV). no one should ever cover for them by "saying nice things" because it enables such bad behavior. best to state factually what they did , give no to little emotion to it and show empathy for others affected by the abuser or who are in a similar situation. Orion in theory is focusing on option 1, without acknowledging that there are always exceptions hence option 2. hope things eventaully worked out better for you.
@@TheRahsoft Thy for your reply. _"hope things eventaully worked out better for you."_ They did, it's over a year now. Things are back on track. As you said: stating the facts with little emotion respectively a certain emotional distance worked pretty good for me so far. I just wondered if I might come across as too bitter and resentful when I talk to new people about the past. It's sometimes difficult to find the right edge: not staying in the past but also not ignoring it.
My ex-husband and I never say anything negative about each other, that's been from the time we separated. It's served us well as friends know if they bring up the other person's name they won't have to listen to complaints.
A lot of women openly trash their exes and don't realize how that makes them less attractive. 1) It shows what they'd do to me if a relationship with them were to go bad. She wouldn't care to be fair to not trash me when I'm not able to defend my side of the story. 2) Since many men have experience with women who never apologized, never admitted fault, sugar-coated their actions, and always blamed them for everything wrong, we know to take the woman's side of the story with a grain of salt as it's likely not fair to the man. And the quicker she lays blame on him and none on herself, the clearly red flags go up that she's likely not going to give me a reasonable and fair shake either in disagreements.
Hello teacher,good nice guy student of yours here,I just want to call you out on a bit of contradiction because being annoying can be fun,well never the less,if you rewatch this video you will realize you were kinda contradicting,you said don’t go talking about how your x is narcissistic but yet,you called her a narcissist lol as someone who loves being a walking contradiction,I just wanted to point that out,keep up the good work teacher,hope i trigger you a bit,I’ve been tip toeing on the edge today lol
Never liked the repeating of malicious gossip. I would often ask the repeating station how they knew what they were saying was true or was it just (unsaid 'malicious') gossip? It is also good to know who the rabid gossipers are just in case you want something to get around...as per the Doc's sound advice here.
Why does this feel disingenuous to me. When I talk about people behind their backs. I'm going to share the good and ugly. I'm going to share my true feelings. 😂
Yes! I have been doing this for years with retards to my ex-husband who was a surgeon. I only talk about the positives of our relationship for the most part. We had no children, and he moved overseas, when we separated, however I refuse to dwell on the negatives. I talk about loving a new culture, new language and my life in a new country when we were married. It is a good strategy, however I just came to speak of him positively so that I would not remember the baggage and pain of that time. I am healed now and want to stay that way.
THANK YOU. You will look like you’re trying to bury your head to the unpleasant truth of the situation. You have to get out in front before the other person does. They don’t care about you. They will ruin your reputation if you let them, especially if they can do it without being challenged or called out on it
The ppl who know you, know who you are. If they don't then you couldn't convince them anyways and you wouldn't want those who can't discern in your corner.
I get it and it's great advice as always. But saying only the positives about someone you have fallen out with, and want nothing more to do with, may send the wrong message and bring them back to try and rekindle. Especially if they were the needy, unhinged, obsessed and intence type? Like the door bell rings one day and oh boy :/
A woman has to know how to use it to her advantage. A woman who tells a guy who is really in love with her that her ex was abusive activates the saviour mentality of men and sometimes women. Telling him also your ex spoilt you makes him want to one up the ex in that area.
@@freeman405 If you don't like her and if she says it in a bitter way. It's a tried and tested thing that playing the victim gets people to love and pity and want to help you than when you act self sufficient.
I did have a friend who is a narcissistic sociopath. She actual physically assaulted me and made it look like an accident, all because she didn't get her way about something small and insignificant. I "picked" her as a friend because I was naive and didn't know how twisted some people can be. I don't think that is a bad thing to admit since I have learned from it. Sometimes I just want to share these stories with someone. Is the only way I can do that to go to therapy? Do I really need to talk positively about her forever, even with people that will probably never meet her?
Totally agree on giving people true, positive feedback behind their backs. Orion's position on negative feedback, however, needs to be balanced against the idea that if someone proves themselves to be absolutely untrustworthy you can just stand by watching as others line up to learn the same lesson because you "didn't want it to reflect badly on you to tell the truth". That's like not reporting your rapist because you don't want the hassle that comes with it, everyone who falls prey after will have a legitimate bone to pick with you.
5:00 I get the idea and it sounds good on paper but at some point it become lying by omission. Better thing is to get balanced. You can keep your example but when you say "we took different paths" you could add "our vision didn't match" or "we had different caracters and expectations". It adds some reality because from what I'm hearing you're omitting some important information and you could likely be a cheater. Saying positive things : yes but with a grain of reality
There is a downside. You may be painting yourself as a pushover, or ignorant. Worst case scenario, if you say only good things about your ex, and your ex says bad things about you, it _can_ make it look like you actually were the problem, even if you weren't, especially among the simple people, those looking for a reason, or those who take everything at face value. We all know how angry women in particular, get, when men seem indifferent or don't "psychically" automatically know what they've done wrong. I'm not saying there's not some merit to this approach, but it's definitely as much of a double-edged sword as one could imagine. Its an advanced, and advanced-only, strategy for sure.
you seem to be focusing only on breakups where one party was considered to be a normal human being( you did this in your shorts as well), and you should make this very clear. as is being pointed out in places, you are expecting people to hide the abusive behaviors of ex partners by saying something positive about them !! if that person injured you, you're not going to say oh well they had dinner on the table. you are going to be honest and factual and state that they were violent, abusive etc and offer empathy to those who are still caught in their abusive behaviour. expecting people to hide the really negative stuff because you want to act like you're a saint just means you are covering and enabling their abusive behavior. its dr phil behaviour....
Excellent video. However, I don't see why I something positive directly to someone's face." In general, saying postive things about someone directly to them in person isn't a problem at all. From the description: "Basically, you're allowed to say things about others behind their backs that you wouldn't say to their faces, if what you say is positive."
Pray for All Men 1 Timothy 2:1 Therefore I [a]exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, 2 for kings and all who are in [b]authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and [c]reverence. 3 For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, 4 who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. 5 For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time, 7 for which I was appointed a preacher and an apostle-I am speaking the truth [d]in Christ and not lying-a teacher of the Gentiles in faith and truth. 🙏❤️🔥🥰
Proverbs 16:8-17 NKJV Better is a little with righteousness, Than vast revenues without justice. A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. Divination is on the lips of the king; His mouth must not transgress in judgment. Honest weights and scales are the LORD’s; All the weights in the bag are His work. It is an abomination for kings to commit wickedness, For a throne is established by righteousness. Righteous lips are the delight of kings, And they love him who speaks what is right. As messengers of death is the king’s wrath, But a wise man will appease it. In the light of the king’s face is life, And his favor is like a cloud of the latter rain. How much better to get wisdom than gold! And to get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver. The highway of the upright is to depart from evil; He who keeps his way preserves his soul.
i dont agree. maybe in some circumstances, but if someone has seriously wronged you, you shouldn't just be a pushover like that. state the facts and let the other person be the judge of that
Yes but Orion, the same thing happened to me... My ex said good things about me but when asked from me i told them she had a habit of lying... When i came to know she said good things.. i was kinda happy and accepted it and just said that is the whole point ik she likes me but i can't be with her because of her lying and manipulative behaviour... So i don't think this technique will really work.
Another reason is if the listener doesn't actually know you well enough or they simply have any doubts, they may consider that you were possibly the problem in your story being as you're doing the complaining.
How do you deal with a coworker who runs around badmouthing you behind your back? Just hope people won't believe her, and just say good things about her?
See i always talk behind someones back and i wont tell them to their face because usually that person, if told to the face, will deny or try to fight you. so i just let everyone else know the truth about that person while not telling them myself because itll be the equivalent of talking to a brick wall.
One of my general orientations to communication is to never say anything about anyone that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying directly to his or her face. However, there is one exception to this orientation. It's a more advanced strategy, and it's what I'm going to discuss in this episode. Basically, you're allowed to say things about others behind their backs that you wouldn't say to their faces, if what you say is positive. This is such an underutilized social hack that most people won't know how to deal with it.
Social Media
Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/
Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks
Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993
Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community:
ruclips.net/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin
Book a paid consultation:
oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations
Sponsor an episode:
oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode
Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#gossip #relationship #social
That's really good advice. Adding to that, when someone trashes someone behind their back, it makes me feel like they're more likely to say things like that about me behind my back. When someone never says anything bad about other people behind their back, I feel like the glass will be at least half-full when they talk about me behind my back too.
Yes. Same. I get a bit scared when around people that talk bad about others. It's not a safe feeling. Just yesterday, a new coworker was talking about how hard of a worker the lead is. Now I feel like I want to be around that new coworker more.
@@yourfavoriteentertainment So what you're saying is you've fallen for something you're perfectly conscious of? Sounds like some confirmation bias to me
@@joshy2joshyWhy shouldn't he fall for it in this case? Unless proven a manipulative asshole, I too would be inclined to like said coworker more.
The positive reviews of previous relationships
1. It makes you look good stable and able to see the big picture
2. future people aren’t worried you will trash them if things go south
3. If for some reason you go back to the previous relationship you don’t look like and idiot glutton for punishment but just a guy/gal who was able to keep good people happy and doesn’t burn bridges.
4. Sometimes you put the ex in a position where they have to compliment you in return.
True! Always good advice which applies to situations in which you participate and have control over YOUR actions. Such as friends, family friends, exes, colleagues and relatives.
You shouldn’t give any private or confidential details about either of them. Nobody does. It’s unethical to give private info to a third person, who is not party to the info. Its against relationship rules of any kind. No one automatically trusts someone’s spouse or fiancé. He shouldn’t have a need to know the private details of anyone, who you know. He’s nosy and unethical if he wants to know especially if you don’t ask him.
This doesn’t apply to situations of abuse, backstabbing, and intrusion which there’s always a record of. Anything that you don’t consent to, is not your responsibility. Backstabbing, hateful and jealous relatives who have attacked for decades, don’t count. There’s a record of their behaviour being consistent and they won’t stop just because you have a fiancé. If anything, he should be warned in diplomatic terms.
If a relative or weirdo asks a third person to be their eyes and ears, in your life, then you have the right to call them out. No weirdo or relative has the right to intrude in the privacy of your home and watch what you do, in the four walls of your home. It’s none of their business.
Some things you have to tell your partner. You can’t avoid telling him why you don’t talk to your siblings when most people do. He’ll know what a normal sibling bond is like. So will you because you used to have one, once. He’ll see it from miles away. You can’t lie about it. It’ll be the elephant in the room. I’ve witnessed many people trying to avoid stating the obvious and it makes them look incompetent and immature. They never say what needs to be said. Nobody likes such a person.
You don’t take responsibility for other people’s actions when you play no part in their actions. You do not control other people’s actions. People do not intrude because of who you are. Your words and actions are not what cause people to intrude. They intrude because of who they are.
You calling them out doesn’t make you unreliable or a gossip monger. It makes you a stable and healthy adult with boundaries, who doesn’t allow her boundaries to be crossed.
That’s not an issue for any relationship and does not come under situations that you consensually cause, instigate, take part in or allow. It comes under not allowing such behaviour. For any sane person, that’s a good sign. It’s only a bad sign for intruders.
For the life of me, I have NEVER understood people who make announcements to people about girls/guys they like, their relationship, marriage or break up. Other than superficial information, it’s NONE of anyone’s business what’s goes on. I wouldn’t tell a soul. Not even my parents.
I’ve never told a friend about an argument with my then boyfriend 13 years ago. I was a naive 20 year old and I knew better than to make announcements. My friends and I have NEVER talked about our boyfriends in detail. My friends don’t even know why I broke up. No one asked. No one cares. It’s personal choice. Girls respect each other’s choices. They don’t care. Many times, girls discuss their break ups after the fact.
My friends and I, didn’t know more than who our friend was dating and most of the time, we didn’t even know that. We found out later. We had no clue why our friends broke up. We didnt ask. Sometimes, they’re share it indirectly. That was OUR unspoken girl code.
We have never discussed our boyfriends or friends boyfriends with anyone. Not family friends, mutual friends, relatives or anyone. No boyfriend at the time was aware of what our friends were doing. We never talked about our friends and classmates to our boyfriends. They know nothing. The same goes for husbands. Its none of their business.
We DENY all claims of our friends. We have an unspoken code irrespective of whether or not we have contact with one another or whether or not, we have the person on social media. The code is not dependent on superficial factors. In the worst of situations, we don’t break it. No amount of petty jealousy causes us to break it. This goes from all girls from both my schools. We have all followed this. The ones who haven’t, have faced the same in return and that hasn’t worked for them.
We don’t discuss relationships because we KNOW that we stem from a judgemental conservative society and that kind of gossip can ruin our marriages, or lead to our relatives finding info that we don’t want them to have. All girls, irrespective of how liberated they may appear, are well aware of this and keep their mouths shut out of solidarity.
The same goes for my family friends. None of us speak ill of one another to mutual friends, relatives, their relatives or third parties. That is our unspoken code which we have maintained for 2 generations. That’s how we’ve maintained our friendships.
All relationships are built on a code of conduct. That code does NOT include gossip, slander or entertaining rumours. Nor does it include superficial criticisms of your friends by third parties and strangers.
Spread positive rumors? That’s an interesting idea. 🧐
Friends are power
…and trick others into the trap.
I did this, even during the divorce trial. Nobody cares that she looked selfish or unhinged. We need to be real here. I agree with your advice, with one modification. Do not expect any reward.
One of The Four Agreements, keep your word impeccable at all times. I have been blessed by having a number of excellent men as my partners during my lifetime. That they ended or just didn't work out is another story. Although it wasn't always sunshine and roses, I remember these precious men only as the wonderful people that graced my life some for a short time and others a bit longer. I have also not heard that any of them ever said an unkind word about me, although I might have deserved it. Right now I am a crying mess remembering stuff.
Great advice. Gossiping and talking bad about someone by character assassination in order to make myself feel became such a common thing. Not realizing how twisted and what I real POS I was. It was just a way to keep the focus off myself. Scared of what people might actually think about me if they really knew who I was. Thank God I decided to do something different. Did a lot of soul searching and made some changes.
Ironically, I once complained to a neighbor that I didn’t realize how gossipy the neighborhood was (yes, I was complaining). I spend less time with neighbors these days and just find things a lot more blissful. Also, if your social circle is always gossiping, rest assured they are gossiping about you behind your back.
So one thing regarding this : if an ex is a narcissist, I really do not care about an interpersonal conflict with her. What I care about is how people will be viewing me as a result of either me talking behind their backs or of them talking back behind my back. People will be able to have low opinions of me based on either, and that's the main bad outcome from this. If an ex is a narcissist, there was already a fallout and it already ended badly, so the main real consequence is the optics of it. At that point it's just better to not talk about her unless asked, and when asked to keep it strictly factual, while still taking a good brunt of the blame.
Now when you're trying to avoid interpersonal conflict, yes, absolutely. But then if it's also people you're not in bad terms but you'd still rather avoid encountering again, it's just better to not talk at all. The advice you're giving really only applies when you don't mind seeing the person again, because they might want to see you again after having heard what you thought about them.
Awesome !!!!!! You opened my mind .. I did these things in my past but lost my way somewhere ..
Thanks a ton.. You got my raw character back to me 😊
I’m so glad you made this video. I usually speak positive about people I dislike and I’ve never been sure if I was doing the right thing - as in I was never sure if it made me look weak. So thank you
I've used this "technique", when talking not only about past relationships but also past work, people I have interacted with, vacations, etc. I really like the angle that we've chosen these relations and this means they have to be great. Being very hesitant with criticism gives you credibility, opens people up, and I feel is somewhat closer to the truth. Additionally, giving bad gossip is bad emotionally for us, focusing our mind on the negativity, while good gossip awakens positive feelings in us. Just don't go out of your way. If you really have nothing good to say about a given person then it is better to stay silent.
I too have done this for many years regarding past relations with persons and workplaces. I was married for 25 years and I think I have only ever spoken well of my past wife, also of most workplaces. I have moved around in work quite a lot and I have slipped up occasionally regarding that. As a child my parents taught me to do that.
Gossip causes many interpersonal and social conflicts, even murders and other crimes. Believe it or not, even many wars are caused by gossip.
Pride and defensiveness also cause conflict. Many years ago I stopped defending myself from accusations from anyone. It is surprising how much personal power there is in that, and how easily it quells conflict before it gets started. After a while most conflict going on around me started to look trivial.
I do speak critically about the practices and cultures in certain fields and industries though, such as the psychology/clinical counselling/social work/welfare/education fields which I have worked in for decades and am familiar with their industry culture.
Absolutely find this to be true from experience. Especially when meeting new people. People tend to believe that you’ll look upon them fondly when you only have kind words for others. Making friends is much easier when you make it obvious to them you come from a place of warmth
Yes! My mother used to refer to this as “taking the high road”… which often leads to the “high ground” in a dispute.
3 managers, 2 ganged up on the third, who then resigned. #2 contacted the one who resigned saying "yeah, I don't agree with #1 blahblah" (in true hypocritical fashion). The guy who resigned screenshoted the email from #2 and sent it to #1, who are good friends outside of work ^-^
That's what just happened in my company these past few weeks. Made me laugh when I learned that.
Wtf, why wld the one who was friends outside of the job even be friends with him after he got ganged up on. What a mess.
If they are good friends, I dont want to imagine how they would be if they were bad friends.
Very good presentation. Thank you. I like your practical approach. If you want to nurture love and good relationships, this is paramount. I was taught this early on by my parents. This nurtures magical, social powers among family members and friends. It works.
What "magical powers" are we talking about here?
“He was nearly always employed, and the few times he wasn’t, he hustled and was soon working again.” True! (As opposed to “He had a mistress who was always there for him and who hogged too much of his time: Her name was Work. “)
Thank you so much.. 💓 this seriously helps me. I had forgotten about this in having been freshly hurt. I was ranting to my family a bit about my ex, and I didn't say hardly anything positive. Sucks but even if she hurt me, i shouldn't talk badly on her. so thanks again ❤.
I have been in a superior position most of my working life and ALWAYS tell new people to "Never say anything to anyone that you would NOT say in front of EVERYONE!". This is probably the one personal rule that I've ever stuck to 100%, and it's never failed me. I don't have problems at work or outside of it with people at all. (At least not that I have been made aware!!)
I had a private tutor who talked mad shit about one of her friends, calling her "selfish" for wanting to spend time with her after forgetting her work schedule. It made me IMMEDIATELY distrust her.
The next tutoring session, she tried to gaslight me into thinking I wasn't studying enough, she refused to answer simple questions, and wondered why I got mad at her and quit.
Without her help, I passed the class with a high grade. School tutors didn't insult my work ethic or put up arbitrary barriers to my learning.
Meta, I'm talking negatively about someone behind their back to illustrate how people can prove their own obtuseness for talking poorly about friends behind their back.
I had to go on the offensive with my ex in a custody battle. When you are abused and so are others go for the throat... tactfully. Present the facts and get your kid in the best place available to them.
I want to point out people's abusive behavior so that anyone who is blind to it can feel like it's ok if they want to get away. Because I needed that when I was young and didn't have it. Everyone covers for narcissists
Good luck with that, most people will not believe you and will think you are the trouble maker
@@janco333 Calmly exposing the truth can turn things around in some situations.
@@janco333 As a child of a narcissistic father, I wish my mother had called out his behavior more for what it was. Not in an unhinged way, but her refusal to say anything bad at all allowed him to convince me that he was a better person than he is. This was very confusing growing up and contributed to similar relationship difficulties in my own life. Like selfless-esteem said, people can be blind to abusive behavior. This is formally called betrayal blindness, and it develops as a result of dependency on an abusive person for survival.
@@prohsodie same here, however my mother later on did decide enough is enough and left. Typically it is very tough to stand up to narcs cause they will assasinate your character and make you look like the bad guy.
When it comes to narcissistic ppl high on the spectrum it's probably best to say, if in a group or work setting and you want to say something neutral, say you wish them the best and leave it at that.
I still struggle with the general concept of playing essentially games and strategy like this in life.
Positive things and negative things can both be simultaneously true. Why can’t you give people a well rounded objective as you can manage description of people, something approximating the true analysis of someone, giving credit where credit is due, but also shedding light on their less than perfect aspects as well, without getting too carried away or exaggeratory
Because people aren't logical.
@@TheDetectiveJ so we bend to illogic and irrationality?
@@TheDetectiveJ men are generally more logical. If you state factual shit, rather than exaggerating, you don't automatically become that unhinged lunatic for stating questionable actions
Nah I would just never talk about her at all
This degree of information as Orian states should only be reserved for close confidants. For the vast majority of aquantences just parse out the usual faint praise and move on.
Keyword here is responsibility. You can only take responsibility for your actions. That’s what you’re accountable for. No amount of words or actions, make you responsible for unwanted third parties acting in a manner that you have clearly demonstrated as unwanted, non consensual and a violation of your boundaries.
You are not responsible for their actions. That’s not something that you answer for because you didn’t cause it or create an environment for it to fester. If you spoke up against it early on, it shows excellent judge of character. That’s a good sign.
They have poor judgement if they continue to harass you, thinking that they’re pursuing you, despite being told off. This means that they’re using an ineffective method that has failed. That makes them look stupid. Not you.
Advanced Social maneuvering, love this
Agree,100 percent. It does many things. It keeps you from being seen in a negative light but it also gives the other person a way to move forward. So if the person has changed it becomes a net positive and if the person hasn't then the person who asked you sees your side first hand.
3 things ive learned thru out my 20s
NEVER TELL A GIRL ABOUT YOUR EX
IF YOU DONT HAVE ANY THING POSITIVE TO SAY DONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS
I really needed to hear that, reassembling my life piece by piece after a rather rough divorce, no children or common possesions, so at least local laws don't fuck me up with alimony and such. Will try to follow that advice right now - she helped me find my passion in 3d printing and after coming back home from the place where we moved together I found a job in that field almost immediately.
I love saying positive things about people behind their backs. Typically I stick with this in my interactions as I learned when I was a young teen and young adult how even exposing the truth about someone can bring this type of negative judgement upon myself. The only caveat to this I would say is that I have been on the receiving end of severe abuse and manipulation before in the past, and they have used tactics like this to rally people to their side. The abusers (who severely abused me, I cut them out and tried to get help from other family members, to no avail) would “concern troll” and say they were “worried” about me and how much they “cared” about me to get others on their side. It was horrible because the abuse I went through was genuine and they painted me as a crazy person, when in reality I was standing up to abuse.
I would say it’s a good way to go about things in general and to carry yourself in public. I would ask about your experience and thoughts on exposing abuse and if you find that my experience is common. I had to cut out my entire family, including extended, because they had built such a web of lies that it was pointless for me to continue interacting with them. In the end I was putting myself in danger, at risk for violence and also being gaslighted, told to go back to my abusers and completely invalidated. Sometimes I think it’s worth it to risk looking unhinged to speak the truth, as it is empowering, and to simply not worry about what anyone else thinks of you. Although, in general I still think this is a great way to manage interpersonal relationships with colleagues and the like.
One more benefit of this: the current person you're dealing with will trust that if you two had a fallout, you wouldn't rail them under the bus, given your positivity in similar prior experiences. You may occasionally meet the person who tells you "why do you speak positively of your ex, are you still in love with her?" That's also a tell sign of how they will treat you when things end between the two of you, so choose wisely
this channel is a true ✨GEM✨
This is '48 Laws of Power' level stuff right here!
Sie sprechen so klar, ich lebe in Deutschland und verbessere mein Englisch dazu . Ganz toll 👍💯💚🌳
We Say a lot by saying less. The problem is sometimes people misunderstand what we say or they put words in our mouth. So you can sit there and say nothing and someone can easily falsely accuse you of saying something. I find people do that a lot.
I got to 1:25, and you got it. The power of positive gossip. How undermining it is to the gossip. If you ask anyone what I have said about them? They have a slew of nasty things that they project I said about them. Yet, the people they state their warped fantasies onto, are talking in a positive fashion about them to others. They don't match. They expose themselves as liars. They will then turn the positive things that you are doing, into harmful situations for the public. If you continue to spread positive gossip, including the "harmful" situation into a positive situation. This will clearly define in many individuals the experience of nihilistic thought the gossip portrays. Your optimistic responses to the experience, invites warmth, and charisma. Now. Let's see what you have to say.
Your focus is more into the relationship aspect. I can see somethings in which we differ in thought. Optimism and Pessimism are each two sided. Both have beneficial, and malevolent sides to them. This is of course, comes from understanding emotions. How other's make you responsible for how they feel, and how an individual feels about the decision made in their life. That the massive majority of individuals; want validation, they are in the right to have a judgemental observation, and subsequent emotional reaction to their limited perception. I have fought this prevailing theology of every loser deserves the trophy that the winner worked for. Participation trophy for everyone's feelings. Validating a persons emotions, continues to spew out individuals that feel their way through life, without rational thought and accountability. Validating peoples emotions has lead to the lack of accountability we see in people today. They project their emotions onto the world, and thousands of people who should never have a licenses to begin with, and tens of thousands of coaches; validate their personality disorders.
I'm gonna admit I'm not the biggest fan of your delivery or style but you're content is consistently logical and appropriate most the time.
I'm not either. I feel like I'm listening to a ww2 Era German doctor giving advice on relationships. But he's also right so...
It’s giving Robert Greene….. New sub!!!!!!
Glad I'm not the only one who noticed the physical similarities.
This advice is worth gold. Great content; and frankly some of the best psych and life improvement content on RUclips 🤙🏽
Great advice! It makes sense. I'm going to pay attention to this going forward.
I understand the possible benefits of talking positively about an ex. However, I would rather not talk about any personal comments of any kind regarding some I had a relationship with in the past. It's none of your business.
tell me, how on earth would this work? What will likely happen is that the person you spoke nicely about will seem like they were treating you with respect and kindness. And then when that person tells the same person how horrible you in return were, the listener will then realise that: a) You are horrible. b) The person you were being horrible to took it graciously, and in return gave you kindness.
So you will end up looking REALLY bad. The listener will simply think "this person talked about how nice their ex was to them in order to leave out how abusive they themselves were to their ex". And then the ex, once spoken to, will confirm this.
You also have the option of keeping silent. You don't have to lie.
@@Sam-dc9bg but that's not what he is saying.
@@FlobberwellGweneveve I think you're perhaps making a negative assumption- "something bad might happen if I do (x)."
and- that's technically *always* true- about anything we might say or do (or might not say or do).
so- is that ever-present possiblity a reason to refrain from speaking or acting?
what kind of life is that, where we don't do or say anything that *might* have a bad outcome?
@@2ThineOwnSelf his entire technique is about manipulation. He never said "this person is essentially good and human nature can be appealed to for it's inherent goodness". No, he said it to manipulate. Thus, it holds with it the possibility to go the other way.
@@FlobberwellGwenevevewell, after seeing another of your replies (helping to establish a pattern), I believe I'm seeing the problem here: you are a pessimist.
"his entire technique is about manipulation"?
wow, really?
you genuinely see the choice to communicate praise or gratitude (instead of slander and criticism) of a third party as *manipulation*?
I mean, we're all here to learn life's lessons-
but *no* lesson will help... if it can't be heard.
good luck to you.
The only reason I talk negativily about people behind their baxks is when it conveys useful information to my listeners. I do not do it just to vent anger or frustration or damage subjectvof my convation.. I have no remorse in this. Warning people about impending danger is not malicious gossip.
Es un consejo bastante bueno y en el que nunca había reparado, dado que siempre te dicen que hablar detrás de las espaldas de alguien es negativo. :)
i think most people are so cynical that they would side with the person who is shit talking and think the person who is saying positive things is just desperate and weak minded. Which isn't necessarily true, but that's just what I have observed in interpersonal dramas.
This is also a pickup tool. Spread the right rumours about a guy making him seem desirable to women.
What pisses me off is my ex died before I could confront her about all the lies she told when my children were young.
I personally like it when folks confront me about something I said because then I actually tell them what I think instead using words that would suggest caution in dealing with them. If I am to much of a coward to say it to their face I shouldn't say it at all.
Best talk ever doc.
This is the real shit.
On point as always! Appreciate your unique insights.
Bro, you're next level.
Human's nature . People are flawed individual, imperfect . Understanding is the key. It is true in an example about a bond paper and a small dot where the small dot is the first we see .
One of the spiritual teacher said : sometimes our thought is not who we are. Only few people see the different sides of people, of situations etc.
Good morning 🌅☕ from Philippines 🇵🇭 while having coffee ☕😁
I am ready for the next level Dr. Orion
I get this argument and generally agree. BUT.. Orion mentioned coming across as reasonable (06:54). So here is the thing. What if the ex did really bad stuff, to the point it becomes unreasonable to talk positively about them? You'd appear as someone with bad judgement who lets other people walk other your easily. To hyperbolize: would you talk positive about _Hitler_ behind his back?
Case in point, what if your ex betrayed you? Maybe having an affair with a close friend even? Trying to plant a cuckoos-child on you? I bring this example because:
1. It happened to me.
2. It's pretty common, so a lot of people should be able to relate at least partly.
3. Betraying someone who trusts you is ridiculously easy (with trust, there is usual no controlling each other) and there is no surefire defense/precaution against it. Hence the argument of "not being able to properly assess your partner" doesn't really work here.
Just as your words will eventually find their way to your ex, the outsider will learn about your common past as well and will likely be able put things into context. Imho, painting a horrible person in happy colors would make you seem gullible and easy to exploit rather than confident and strong.
i would say view in two possible paths.
1. the relationship didnt work out, the reasons are trivial , so badmouthing them is pointless althought orion seems to be playing the revenge game on this but saying ah but you say nice things and they say bad things thus making them look like the crazy one.
2. they were genuinely abusive/violent etc to the point that it becomes a criminal act. if you says nice things about them , then people will think you are deluded and have refused to acknowledge what they have done( its a side effect of DV). no one should ever cover for them by "saying nice things" because it enables such bad behavior. best to state factually what they did , give no to little emotion to it and show empathy for others affected by the abuser or who are in a similar situation.
Orion in theory is focusing on option 1, without acknowledging that there are always exceptions hence option 2.
hope things eventaully worked out better for you.
@@TheRahsoft
Thy for your reply.
_"hope things eventaully worked out better for you."_
They did, it's over a year now. Things are back on track. As you said: stating the facts with little emotion respectively a certain emotional distance worked pretty good for me so far. I just wondered if I might come across as too bitter and resentful when I talk to new people about the past. It's sometimes difficult to find the right edge: not staying in the past but also not ignoring it.
Very good advice, thank you very much
you are absolutely right...
Great advice.
My ex-husband and I never say anything negative about each other, that's been from the time we separated. It's served us well as friends know if they bring up the other person's name they won't have to listen to complaints.
You are so right!❤
A lot of women openly trash their exes and don't realize how that makes them less attractive.
1) It shows what they'd do to me if a relationship with them were to go bad. She wouldn't care to be fair to not trash me when I'm not able to defend my side of the story.
2) Since many men have experience with women who never apologized, never admitted fault, sugar-coated their actions, and always blamed them for everything wrong, we know to take the woman's side of the story with a grain of salt as it's likely not fair to the man. And the quicker she lays blame on him and none on herself, the clearly red flags go up that she's likely not going to give me a reasonable and fair shake either in disagreements.
Hello teacher,good nice guy student of yours here,I just want to call you out on a bit of contradiction because being annoying can be fun,well never the less,if you rewatch this video you will realize you were kinda contradicting,you said don’t go talking about how your x is narcissistic but yet,you called her a narcissist lol as someone who loves being a walking contradiction,I just wanted to point that out,keep up the good work teacher,hope i trigger you a bit,I’ve been tip toeing on the edge today lol
A knock is the same as a boost!! Speak good of past plebs.
Never liked the repeating of malicious gossip. I would often ask the repeating station how they knew what they were saying was true or was it just (unsaid 'malicious') gossip? It is also good to know who the rabid gossipers are just in case you want something to get around...as per the Doc's sound advice here.
Women are experts are this . But if you confront them with physical consequences they will play the victim
Very clever idea!
Why does this feel disingenuous to me. When I talk about people behind their backs. I'm going to share the good and ugly. I'm going to share my true feelings. 😂
Yes! I have been doing this for years with retards to my ex-husband who was a surgeon. I only talk about the positives of our relationship for the most part. We had no children, and he moved overseas, when we separated, however I refuse to dwell on the negatives. I talk about loving a new culture, new language and my life in a new country when we were married. It is a good strategy, however I just came to speak of him positively so that I would not remember the baggage and pain of that time. I am healed now and want to stay that way.
But what is the point of it if that same person talks bad behind your back? You will come out naive.
THANK YOU. You will look like you’re trying to bury your head to the unpleasant truth of the situation. You have to get out in front before the other person does. They don’t care about you. They will ruin your reputation if you let them, especially if they can do it without being challenged or called out on it
@@marcusmcgraw3519 I am really interested in what you wanted to say but I did not understand you, can you clarify it
The ppl who know you, know who you are. If they don't then you couldn't convince them anyways and you wouldn't want those who can't discern in your corner.
Everyone is lying ….. 🎉
All the time
I get it and it's great advice as always. But saying only the positives about someone you have fallen out with, and want nothing more to do with, may send the wrong message and bring them back to try and rekindle. Especially if they were the needy, unhinged, obsessed and intence type? Like the door bell rings one day and oh boy :/
Amazing again!
A woman has to know how to use it to her advantage. A woman who tells a guy who is really in love with her that her ex was abusive activates the saviour mentality of men and sometimes women. Telling him also your ex spoilt you makes him want to one up the ex in that area.
A woman who talks about her ex, makes me want to leave as fast as possible.
@@freeman405 If you don't like her and if she says it in a bitter way. It's a tried and tested thing that playing the victim gets people to love and pity and want to help you than when you act self sufficient.
@@joyandpeacefullaughter5307 She can try play the victim, it won't activate my saviour mentality. It's not my problem that she chose an abusive man.
“The path that she had taken was narcisistic sociopathy” 😂😂😂
God bless
I did have a friend who is a narcissistic sociopath. She actual physically assaulted me and made it look like an accident, all because she didn't get her way about something small and insignificant. I "picked" her as a friend because I was naive and didn't know how twisted some people can be. I don't think that is a bad thing to admit since I have learned from it. Sometimes I just want to share these stories with someone. Is the only way I can do that to go to therapy? Do I really need to talk positively about her forever, even with people that will probably never meet her?
Really, it's best to be your own therapist. Sharing these types of stories may feel good but it's usually unhealthy and can cause problems for you.
Malicious gossip ss all about character assassination which is a major evil.
Thanks dr
Thanks
Good advice
Totally agree on giving people true, positive feedback behind their backs. Orion's position on negative feedback, however, needs to be balanced against the idea that if someone proves themselves to be absolutely untrustworthy you can just stand by watching as others line up to learn the same lesson because you "didn't want it to reflect badly on you to tell the truth". That's like not reporting your rapist because you don't want the hassle that comes with it, everyone who falls prey after will have a legitimate bone to pick with you.
5:00 I get the idea and it sounds good on paper but at some point it become lying by omission.
Better thing is to get balanced. You can keep your example but when you say "we took different paths" you could add "our vision didn't match" or "we had different caracters and expectations". It adds some reality because from what I'm hearing you're omitting some important information and you could likely be a cheater.
Saying positive things : yes but with a grain of reality
God thanks for this
Broke: interpersonal conflict by proxy
Woke: gaslighting by proxy
I really think you should write a book
There is a downside. You may be painting yourself as a pushover, or ignorant. Worst case scenario, if you say only good things about your ex, and your ex says bad things about you, it _can_ make it look like you actually were the problem, even if you weren't, especially among the simple people, those looking for a reason, or those who take everything at face value. We all know how angry women in particular, get, when men seem indifferent or don't "psychically" automatically know what they've done wrong. I'm not saying there's not some merit to this approach, but it's definitely as much of a double-edged sword as one could imagine. Its an advanced, and advanced-only, strategy for sure.
very biblical
Jedi mind trick. ❤
you seem to be focusing only on breakups where one party was considered to be a normal human being( you did this in your shorts as well), and you should make this very clear.
as is being pointed out in places, you are expecting people to hide the abusive behaviors of ex partners by saying something positive about them !!
if that person injured you, you're not going to say oh well they had dinner on the table.
you are going to be honest and factual and state that they were violent, abusive etc and offer empathy to those who are still caught in their abusive behaviour.
expecting people to hide the really negative stuff because you want to act like you're a saint just means you are covering and enabling their abusive behavior. its dr phil behaviour....
The best thing about my ex was the road going away from her house. I guess that's positive enough 🤣
I will Dr sorry for being grumpy
Excellent video.
However, I don't see why I something positive directly to someone's face." In general, saying postive things about someone directly to them in person isn't a problem at all.
From the description: "Basically, you're allowed to say things about others behind their backs that you wouldn't say to their faces, if what you say is positive."
What Paula says about Paul, says a lot more about Paula than about Paul.
Pray for All Men
1 Timothy 2:1 Therefore I [a]exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, 2 for kings and all who are in [b]authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and [c]reverence. 3 For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, 4 who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. 5 For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time, 7 for which I was appointed a preacher and an apostle-I am speaking the truth [d]in Christ and not lying-a teacher of the Gentiles in faith and truth.
🙏❤️🔥🥰
Proverbs 16:8-17 NKJV
Better is a little with righteousness, Than vast revenues without justice. A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. Divination is on the lips of the king; His mouth must not transgress in judgment. Honest weights and scales are the LORD’s; All the weights in the bag are His work. It is an abomination for kings to commit wickedness, For a throne is established by righteousness. Righteous lips are the delight of kings, And they love him who speaks what is right. As messengers of death is the king’s wrath, But a wise man will appease it. In the light of the king’s face is life, And his favor is like a cloud of the latter rain. How much better to get wisdom than gold! And to get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver. The highway of the upright is to depart from evil; He who keeps his way preserves his soul.
I want to see your channel get a million subs someday..
im bad at gossiping, and say the same thing in front and the back.
almost get me in trouble for being so.
i dont agree. maybe in some circumstances, but if someone has seriously wronged you, you shouldn't just be a pushover like that. state the facts and let the other person be the judge of that
You always talk to me: narcissistic sociopathy haha !
Yes but Orion, the same thing happened to me... My ex said good things about me but when asked from me i told them she had a habit of lying... When i came to know she said good things.. i was kinda happy and accepted it and just said that is the whole point ik she likes me but i can't be with her because of her lying and manipulative behaviour... So i don't think this technique will really work.
Respect
Another reason is if the listener doesn't actually know you well enough or they simply have any doubts, they may consider that you were possibly the problem in your story being as you're doing the complaining.
How do you deal with a coworker who runs around badmouthing you behind your back? Just hope people won't believe her, and just say good things about her?
See i always talk behind someones back and i wont tell them to their face because usually that person, if told to the face, will deny or try to fight you. so i just let everyone else know the truth about that person while not telling them myself because itll be the equivalent of talking to a brick wall.