Thank you for sharing your story. As a former, almost professional musician, I completely understand your headspace and eventual emotional and psychological meltdown. It’s heart wrenching! Getting to the other side is like starting your life over again. I glad you made it!
Oh gosh, it sounds like you went through something similar. I'm sorry to hear it, but I'm glad it seems like you're out the other side too! I agree, it's a great feeling. 🙌
Watched this on 16 Nov 2024. Discovered your channel tonight. Maybe you don’t revisit comments this far on? But I must comment at 6:30. Heart skipped a beat. I did the exact same thing. I welded my talent to my identity and I had no idea that I had done this. I am/was an academic. Years passed and then one day my university restructured and I was ‘made redundant’ I also discovered I had cancer. Suddenly my whole ‘self ness’ was destroyed at the very time I needed to be strong. I survived. I became a different version of myself and I recovered from cancer. Part of me will always miss the person I used to be. I am older than you so maybe it was easier for me? You have inspired me and comforted me. Thank you for reiterating the life lesson. We are the sum of all of our characteristics - we have worth beyond merely a talent. Bless you. ❤
Just watched myself - this comment has a timestamp of less than an hour, though where I live it's not quite the 16th yet, ha! Timezone shenanigans. I'm replying this way because I feel the need to thank Cait and you, both. My own leaving from things was not quite this fraught with personal pain and danger... but so much of what you both have said hits me so hard. It's so easy to lean on just one thing about yourself, to make it your whole existence and meaning and reason for being. And it's so bad for you, in the end. (I'm placing a break here for the insane wall of text, but I won't apologize for making such a long comment...) I come from a very unpleasant childhood; even now at nearly fifty years old I'm still learning how badly messed up I was from that, to such an extent that I still frequently wonder if I would've been better off raised by wolves. Music was my joy, and for many years it was my ONLY joy. We couldn't afford such things as voice lessons, but the church children's choir was glad to have me and my grandmother Gloria had an old Kimball electric organ plus some songbooks. My father is a musician - but he wasn't present for my childhood, only Gloria (his mom). She did what she could for me: so I practiced on that old electric organ and I belted out hymns in church, and felt a little better about life. (Looking back, I was probably belting two octaves above the written music, and I feel a little bad for everyone in my vicinity, I must've been screaming in their ears without quite understanding it!) And then... then we moved from Texas to Mississippi. No more church (my mother doesn't do religion). School choir became my elective (no art classes, which is what I'd been doing before in school settings), and I auditioned as an alto. I'd always sung low and quiet around my mother, I felt I could "fake it" in a low register. The choir director ran me through scales (something I'd never done) - and put me in the first sopranos! And from that point on I grew to understand that I had A Voice, which was a very new idea to 14 year old me. And suddenly I was getting so much positive attention for my singing - from classmates, teachers, even my mother! So of course I became hugely attached to music, to everything about choir, and started trying to learn everything I could. I landed on opera as "A Thing I Want To Do." But I didn't understand what that MEANT. I didn't get a voice teacher until college; I was 17, full of my own opinions, and not terribly good at asking the right questions (like most inexperienced folks). My teacher had been a mezzo at the New York City Opera, but she really didn't teach with an eye towards building a performing voice for that kind of effort. She was training young women to be music ministers, or assistants to same (it was at that time a "Christian college," but they had the best scholarship, so...) I ran out of scholarship money before finishing, and left. Got married, had a kid, struggled for a while. Went BACK to school, this time with determination to get something I could work with, if not a degree in music at LEAST some connections that would let me stay involved in the local music scene somehow. Second teacher was a very kind man, also a veteran of NYC Opera, and he was FAR more helpful in telling me what I needed to know. Namely that women's voices aren't actually "finished growing" until middle age, which would've been REALLY NICE to know the first time round! So I went at my lessons hard, even after I shifted to music as a minor (literature major, hoping for grad school, library science with focus on musical archives was in my vague plans by that time). I sang with the college choir, met excellent folks, continued learning theory and composition, pushing and pushing myself to my limits while STILL being a wife and mother. I ran myself into the ground. And then my husband got sick. At this point, 2024, he's still on dialysis, not likely to get a transplant due to all the various complications and problems, and there are days when care-giving for him means my reminding him that he is not just waiting to die. It's not something I could EVER have seen coming, not in 2010 when I gave up on college for a second time. So much happened, in such quick succession, and I had my head down in it all just trying to make it one day at a time. I've discovered your channel very recently as you already know. And it's been so wonderful to understand that opera DOES still give me the same joy now as it did back then. I still love Mozart, I still love 'nerding out' about classical music and finding all the connections between "old stuff" and popular music genres today. With your own joy and honesty and open-ness - you've given that back to me, or maybe I should say, helped me relocate that piece of my heart. I learned long ago that I don't need to "only be music," but I'd forgotten why it mattered so much to me, and why I still need this in my life. For me, not someone else. So... Thank you!
Hey Cait. Glad to hear that you're happy. I left the opera industry in 2019, a year after getting my master's and working as an adjunct for 2 semesters. I feel like you don't get that freedom of choice in the opera world, compared to other industries, and it's difficult to stand out and be noticed even if you're a good singer. After I left professional opera singing and started to sing only for myself, I realized why I fell in love with singing in the first place. It's so much more freeing to just sing whenever YOU want, and not when you have to. I like it as a hubby much better than when it was my career.
Well done for having the courage to be so honest Cait about your life experiences. I’m sure this will resonate with many in the Classical world and beyond . Have you ever thought about covering Crossover genres - what makes a rock or jazz singer different from Classical etc ? What are the different disciplines …and why are there only a few that actually can switch …just an idea …I’m sure you have plenty yourself. Keep the videos coming - great job 👍
I just watched (and greatly appreciated) your fach videos, scrolled through your list of videos, and found this. Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. Although not in music, my ‘world’ came crashing down when I was not yet 20 and the career that my parents had groomed me for, all throughout my life to that point, became no longer possible. I can completely understand what you said about a mental health issue being seen as less stigmatising than a vocal injury. Music is such a gift and I’m glad to see you renewed in outlook after your injury. Best wishes for the future. o7
"For the first time in my life, I had relationships that were *not* based on classical music, I had friends who didn't care if I could sing." That's been me all of my life. I've never built relationships around classical music because SO MANY classical musicians are psychotic and often make their identity be about only ONE thing. I am so glad that you were able to break away from the toxicity.
I have never seen your channel before and I don't know why it was suggested to me but your honesty is so refreshing. I have had a similar situation in my life and can relate. Much respect.
@@ScoresUnstitched What a story and what a courageous video. I have spent my entire career working with opera singers and I know veyr well just how hard they work and how vulnerable they can be. They don't have an extension to their bodies as their instruments. Their bodies are their instruments. I am glad that you have recovered emotionally.
Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing to watch and experience. Thank you for that. You are among those special people that can courageously talk about mental health issues, just like others are doing it in the sports world. I once stayed in an airbnb in Berlin and the host was a base that had performed often with the Dresden opera. He said many of the things you said. He talked about the stress of people's expectactions that one should sound "perfect" all the time and the messed of world of the of the addiction to aplause and adulation that many singers experience. He had to get out of there, feeling it was tranforming his personality in ways he did not like. So glad to have found your channel. Your being so honest will make me enjoy the it even more. I and many others will surely enjoy this journey along with you. ❤❤
You are not alone in this kind of experience. I started singing very young, started studying voice at 16 years old. Was high-level conservatory trained. Sang and studied post conservatory. Did lots of early music and church singing. And realized that it was making me miserable. I love to sing, but I hate the nasty drama that comes along with the life of a singer, the stress of performing. I also realized that my conservatory training didn't make me into the singer I want to be. It was built on a lot of false premises. I started studying with a fantastic teacher who is re-training me. I'm just starting to be able to sing with the kind of feelings that I felt when I was young and singing was so much fun. I'm doing it for me. I turn 66 next week. I'm glad you are happy. I am, too.
This is so enlightening. I’m so happy I came across this video at literally 7 in the morning 😂 I am only 19 and on my wednesday’s I attend my music school from 6am-10pm at night, and this video is what pushes me to make it through the day. I am a double woodwind player, yet what you discuss is so universally essential. I constantly remind myself to pace myself and seek therapy, even when I think I don’t need it. So I thank you so much for sharing your story. I will share this with all my friends, you need to share your voice with every musician ❤
Wow hearing this really hits home for me, too. I dropped out of my degree for the same reason but now that I’m exploring living life without music I am finally able to return to studying with a healthy mindset. Thank you for sharing these feelings and experiences ❤
Sorry about your injury . It’s interesting to hear about the classical realm from a singers perspective. I’ve been guilty of overlooking the classical singer. One has to assume that some of the great classical composers were likely great singers.
"I don't feel the need to have a title, career, or institution degree to feel that I deserve a place in the musical world"....jeezus that hit me in the soul HARD (okay lowkey I'm aspiring to have the self-assuredness you have now!), as someone who started classical music from age 7 and built a lot of crumbling self-esteem around it. (Curiously, me taking 8 years-hiatus from classical music during college helped me explore self-identity, gender identity and expression which is awesome! Turns out devoting time to being an *actual human being* can be helpful!) Anyway, I'm so happy and proud to hear you are honoring yourself, and feeling free to exist and love music as a human f**king being. :)
Wow. The grass is not, in fact, greener on the other side. This is a good lesson for those of us who feel like we wasted our life and talent by NOT pursuing something. Every industry has its gross side and it's REALLY good for people to know what those are. I'm sorry you went through all that but I'm happy for the growth and self-actualization you've achieved.
You have. the most beautiful voice ; angelic comes to mind. It is a gift which unfortunately can pressure one into toxic behaviour. I have dealt with many people who have, due to perceived societal pressures wholly ignored their bodies in pursuit of either money, status or approval who ignored all signs of alarm. It is important to listen to the body; it sends you constant messages about your health status and well being. which too many if not most ignore. Being able to find your 'happy space' and enjoy living there is paramount to a good life. You seem to have found the joy in your life, bravo! In the end you want to be able to say, "I had a good and joyful life" rather than misery for accolades.
Yes, be gentle with yourself. We get into things so unaware for so long, and dont always realize what we are pushing for and whst the alternatives are. Glad you stepped out of that stress and all the conttacts that were NOT jobs you liked!! I sang when younger, and wondered if I would like touring like the folk or country singers did, and I thought NO WAY!! Being on a bus or plane all the time and different venues every night or so? Nope. Really seemed horrible to me, lol.
It's so true! I remember going to a masterclass when I was an undergraduate and the soprano who was working with us saying something like "if you can imagine yourself doing anything else, do that. The lack of any other option is the only thing that'll keep you going on the road." We thought she was kidding. 😅
My girl, you covered this up for so long. What a welcome release. As you know I have struggling right now as well but I have to tell you how proud I am of you and for you. You are such good stuff! Smart, beautiful, knowledgable, musical, all the things... Run! Run and play!
Sometimes I wish that we could choose how many likes to give a particular video. I wish I could give this video a thousand likes, for the sincerity the self-realization, the insight, candor, and amazingly honest truths presented here. Congratulations, Cait. You are an amazing human being, and have become more genuinely yourself than so many people I know.
Hey, I’m currently experiencing severe burnout and have been wanting to leave the classical music world for several months. I also live in Europe and have been at the top of my game for about 5, working as a freelance violinist, but I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I don’t know how. I’ve already cut ties with several of my contacts, but have been trying to give myself some space to see if I can still do it. I’m currently in the middle of a contract and no, I can’t do it. Thanks for your video - it feels good not to be alone.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Yes, the road looks different for everyone and it’s not easy. If you’re able to, I’d suggest expanding your community. Make friends who couldn’t tell the difference between a violin and a cello. Bond with people who specialize in a field you have no idea about. They will see you, not your violin. The classical world has a way of making us think it’s huge and all-encompassing, but it’s not. Start talking to “outsiders” and soon, you’ll have people walking next to you. Your work has given you so many transferable skills to thrive in the world. And the bow in your hand is not who you are. 🤍
The concept of putting little pebbles on a leaf is a good way to describe any injury. Injuries are remarkably sneaky. In 2019, I developed focal dystonia in my right hand, and now I think it also affects my left hand (I'm a pianist). Such a thing, I believe based on my history and my understanding of dystonia, came about because of a bunch of little bad habits that built up tension. Then one day, I tried playing an A major scale and suddenly my right fingers intensely curled in and refused to uncurl no matter how much effort I used. I think one these tension habits was how I viewed myself as someone with a lot of potential, because I was told, as a prodigy, that I could become great. I wanted to push myself toward that goal, and that push backfired. These realizations are all pretty recent for me, that connection between my mental health as a teenager and my development of dystonia a decade later. It's all tied together I think.
My most sincere respect. It takes a great deal of courage to publicly speak about a tragedy in such an open and personal way. Even more courage is needed to face a cruel fate and not to despair. But the most courageous act is to look into the mirror and recognise oneself. I'm sure you noticed that shareing with others makes yourself carry less of the load. And you're wiser than many, as you decided that others and even fate itself shall not determine your personality let alone if you're happy, but only you do. My most sincere respect. I'm very happy to hear that you chose to be happy.
Hey there, it's so lovely to see how happy you are with where your life is now! I used to work in the same industry, but as a stage tech (stage manager, DSM) which was a lot of stress, long hours and getting work based on who I knew not on experience or knowledge which was extra tough. I've also left the industry now but don't regret the time I spent working there. Glad I found your stuff it's all top tier so far!
From one Cait to another, thank you for this lovely video :) I joined a semi-professional ensemble this month after a vocal injury several years ago that knocked my self confidence and perception so hard. Everything you said resonates and is true across passion careers. Keep it up!
I think your reason is a similar, if not the same reason that Kiri Te Kanawa quit. It’s also the reason why I only want to occasionally sing at operas live and not every day.
Hi Cait, new subscriber here. This video resonated with me deeply. I am somewhere in the midst of figuring things out workwise. I hope I can be happy somewhere in the near future. I've watched most of your videos and really like them, keep up the good work (if you like)!
Wow! Thank you fo sharing your journey Cait! So vulnerable!... and so many of us have struggled with these issues as well, including myself. All the best to you!
This was so interesting and informative! I had no idea about the intricacies and challenges of singing!!! Thanks for your transparency and enthusiasm!!
Thank you for your honesty Cait. 33 years ago, i lost my left ear. I like music so much and sound recording. We don't know why this happened but one day we will.
Do you think the injury is also due to training to technical musics when we are too young ? I heared this once. I'm glad ou spoke about this and all the pression in the classical industry and all. I tried to become professionnal during the pandemic but i just quitted cause I don't think i was ready at this point and the depression was too strong and I felt obliged to sing all the time.
The pictures are not disgusting in any way and yet I cringed. That would definitely be scary. I'm also an ex-classical musician in the choral world. I got my master's in conducting, did a couple low-paying jobs, and then pivoted to a career that actually pays a good wage without consuming all your time (including every holiday). I haven't sung since I pivoted, but I do miss singing in a choir. I I keep saying I'll start again casually, but life is busy enough as it is.
Hello, I'm an aspiring opera singer. I'm still in high school so I'm still looking at all my options. I know that I love Opera and it's something that's stayed consistent, perhaps even grown since middle school. How could I figure out if this is some thing that 1- I'm cut out for and 2- that I won't regret later down the line. The only thing stopping me from making a firm decision is my parents and how my personal finance would work. I know an option is double major in something else so that it could sustain me, but other than that I've got no clue.
First things first, it's so incredibly cool that this is something you're already thinking about! 🎶 💜🎶 In my experience, the best things you can think about are: 1) *why* are you interested in this career and 2) is music the thing that can pull you out of the darkest moments, no matter what? For the first one, really make sure you're not pursuing this because you're talented or because friends/teachers think you should. If you were in the bottom 50% of the talent pool, would you still want to do this? If it meant practicing hours longer than everyone else every day because you're not as good, but you can't imagine doing anything else? That's the mentality that the most successful singers have. Many of them were not the "golden child" of their choirs, and that's precisely what made them successful. For the second one, this career will have some very dark moments. When you're sitting alone in a hotel in a country you've never been in, eating takeout for the 10th time that week, you've given up on finding a partner who can put up with your tour schedule and everyone around you is cheating on their spouses (it's a thing) and there's no one to talk to because everyone you know is thousands of miles away, asleep in another time zone and you're exhausted and learning music for the next gig while trying to remember the staging for this one and you have a gap in your schedule in three months which means you'll have to find a temp job so you can have something to eat...is it all worth it the moment you get onstage and sing? As for regrets later down the line, oof, that's sort of what being human's all about. It comes down to what drives your survival. Would you thrive in a life of probable safety and certainty, or would the regret of not trying be worse than possible failure? Neither is wrong, but one is likely wrong for you. (And keep in mind that "failure" can come in a lot of packages, many of them unrelated to anything you have control over.) My advice to you would be to talk to as many other musicians as you can. Ask college students why they pursued music and what they think of their studies. Ask master's students why they continued. See if you can find people who dropped their music degree and moved into something completely unrelated and ask them why. If you have access to them, talk to some professionals. Watch masterclasses on youtube, watch interviews, read memoirs of opera singers. By hearing their experiences and putting yourself in their shoes, you'll learn a ton that may help inform your decision. Nothing about this choice is easy. I remember having the same conversation with my parents, who also insisted on a double major. Instead, I applied for as many scholarships as I could to be independent of their money. I'm not encouraging you to distance yourself emotionally from your family, especially if you're lucky enough (as I was) to have a family who loves and supports you. But I think most professionals in the industry will tell you that specialization is important. You need the time outside of class to practice, practice, and practice some more. You will have a whole second life in practice rooms. If going to school on your terms isn't possible because of financial obligation, I recommend finding people to fund what *you* want to do. Get out there and start asking people for money. That's a skill you'll need as a professional in the industry anyways and the sooner you get good at it, the better. 😉 Good luck, let us know how it goes! 🤩
@@ScoresUnstitched Oh wow, I appreciate the detailed response! I've definitely thought and acted on some of these questions and advice. Here's my take- I'm interested in this career because since the moment I would make harmonious sounds I've sung. Most of the time I annoyed the people around me by doing it. That's how I became decent, using the gift God made me. Still to this day I sing because it's one of the few things that gives me genuine joy, and it always has given me an outlet of self expression. The action of singing within itself makes me feel more alive than when I do anything else. It fills me with a rush of excitement afterwards that is very hard to explain. I chose opera in general because it's always been something I've viewed as challenging (and I love a challenge) , but at the same time it is one of the most beautiful art forms I've encountered thus far. I will admit, even without being in the industry I can already view the amount of pressure one has, but even so I've continued along because I believe that it is worth it. At first I was viewed as "talented" in contemporary music. When I first started high school I realized that there was still a lot to work on, and that I was far from perfection. Even if perfection is what we make of it. So I started working harder to get my contemporary singing in shape. Now barely anybody compliments me because I only ever sing a lot during chorus or places I'm asked to sing at so I know that especially when I'm singing with other musicians they always carry this sense of "competition" but I don't really get it because we are all here to learn and nobody is perfect so we should only encourage other musicians as well. I know we are still teenagers though so It doesn't bother me anymore, because now I know what the real intentions and thoughts behind that behavior are. Nobody else in my life ever told me I should pursue singing, they only encouraged it when they saw me genuinely happy after a performance, because I am not one who is surrounded by experts. Only my chorus teachers advised me on how to make music a job in a smart way and youtube. The idea of becoming an opera singer came straight out of my head. And yes, music can pull me out of a mental breakdown or stress really easily. As for talent, I don't really believe in just having talent, only molding the talent with skill. Yes, one could possess talent but that is the first building block to the long process of improving our skill. I believe hard work is what gets you to the top more than talent. My phrase is talent is a juicy lemon and your cup and water are your final results. If you practice/squeeze the lemon juice, the result is what matters, because a lemon by itself is just the potential, not the ultimate result.That’s what I believe, but if I’m wrong feel free to enlighten me!!! For finding partners, that’s a topic that I don’t know much about. And the unfaithfulness is just unfortunate and I'm sorry you had to witness that. I feel like that isn’t something I’m thinking about yet. My mom told me to find somebody who already is stable and who compliments your personality and life. That’s it, that’s all I know. The no friends in a foreign country thing, I’d say make friends. I think I’m fairly social when I want to be, and friends or no friends right now I’m fine with it. I know a lot of people but I like to keep 1-2 people close and that’s it. The rest are acquaintances or just school friends who enhance my overall school experience.. Learning music and staging and lines is tough, even now in highschool level classes like theater I find it tough and I haven’t even gotten to the hardest part. I’m actually going to audition for the spring musical so i can get a sense of what a stage production is like so I can use it as reference in opera. Personally I find the process of learning music fun. I don’t know yet, but I feel like that moment on stage is priceless in my book. I believe failure is a part of life and as for me I prefer the middle ground of safety and risk. In your video you said you made your value be off of your musical abilities. I've heard of people doing this before and I've made sure to make a lot of social connections and do a lot of different things outside of music like AP psychology, NJROTC and other classes. My other personality that is different from music is based on being a hardworking student. I have created goals outside of music. Scholarships is an option I really am going to approach when they let me, but I don't really have the skill of asking around/ patreon stuff just yet. What you said about Memoirs on successful people and asking around, I’ve just started my journey this last summer on that research. I know they all took time and grind to be where they are and again, it’s the rule of life. Hard Work = guaranteed success. I’ve yet to find a person who hasn’t made it because they didn’t work hard. Now I’m not saying work hard till I reach a breaking point. But to try and find a balance that works for me. P.S.: Being well rounded over all is something I've been told often not just by my school counselors but other professional musicians as well. I always make sure to hear everybody's story so when it counts, I can reach a thoughtful conclusion. btw- I have 2 years left of high school (I just started sophomore year) and everybody keeps telling me I have time to think about all of this but I strongly believe that before I know it I'll be in a stadium with a graduation cap. That's why I want to make everything count. Be analytical ya know? P.S.S: sorry it's so long but I'm just rewatching your video and forgot to say that I am so sorry about the whole hemorrhage. I know you see the positive side of it now, but I'm sure it must of been mentally painful and vocal injuries make me very sad because of singing being a huge part of my life.
Cait I wanted to sing opera I also found I didn't have the voice for it so I decided to compose or write libretti or even short stories would they be good for opera? I don't know but I try did you ask God to help you? can you go to a doctor that can help you I saw on you tube a woman who went to a doctor and fixed her voice there is hope yet for you you can take my advice or leave it but try if it doesn't work try a musical instriment or you can teach you have the backing or another career good luck💞
I wish I could have made this video several times over the last 20 years. But I'm not a musician, even though I'm trying to learn to play the piano. I was a Chiropractor that suffered a shoulder injury, and then suffered a medical mistake, and had to rethink how I would treat patients. I think I did a good reconversion, and surprisingly learned to treat shoulders and to see the importance of shoulders for many problems in the body. And Europe is notorious for either misdiagnosing or not diagnosing shoulder injuries. Funny that you talked about having to pay attention to your shoulders. Hmmm. Actually I think there is a way to help people injured by the Jab by treating the shoulder. But it's difficult to discuss medical issues in todays climate. Speaking of climate, there are hardly any of the music videos that talk about what's happening in the climate.
I’m sorry that happened to you. 😔 It’s definitely something I think people in a lot of industries can relate to. Anyone who’s spent their life investing solely in one specific skill is at huge risk. Literally all it takes is one moment to change everything. I’m glad you’ve found your new path! 🙏
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Thank you for sharing your story. As a former, almost professional musician, I completely understand your headspace and eventual emotional and psychological meltdown. It’s heart wrenching! Getting to the other side is like starting your life over again. I glad you made it!
Oh gosh, it sounds like you went through something similar. I'm sorry to hear it, but I'm glad it seems like you're out the other side too! I agree, it's a great feeling. 🙌
Watched this on 16 Nov 2024. Discovered your channel tonight. Maybe you don’t revisit comments this far on?
But I must comment at 6:30. Heart skipped a beat. I did the exact same thing. I welded my talent to my identity and I had no idea that I had done this. I am/was an academic. Years passed and then one day my university restructured and I was ‘made redundant’ I also discovered I had cancer. Suddenly my whole ‘self ness’ was destroyed at the very time I needed to be strong.
I survived. I became a different version of myself and I recovered from cancer. Part of me will always miss the person I used to be. I am older than you so maybe it was easier for me?
You have inspired me and comforted me. Thank you for reiterating the life lesson. We are the sum of all of our characteristics - we have worth beyond merely a talent. Bless you. ❤
Just watched myself - this comment has a timestamp of less than an hour, though where I live it's not quite the 16th yet, ha! Timezone shenanigans.
I'm replying this way because I feel the need to thank Cait and you, both. My own leaving from things was not quite this fraught with personal pain and danger... but so much of what you both have said hits me so hard. It's so easy to lean on just one thing about yourself, to make it your whole existence and meaning and reason for being. And it's so bad for you, in the end.
(I'm placing a break here for the insane wall of text, but I won't apologize for making such a long comment...)
I come from a very unpleasant childhood; even now at nearly fifty years old I'm still learning how badly messed up I was from that, to such an extent that I still frequently wonder if I would've been better off raised by wolves. Music was my joy, and for many years it was my ONLY joy. We couldn't afford such things as voice lessons, but the church children's choir was glad to have me and my grandmother Gloria had an old Kimball electric organ plus some songbooks. My father is a musician - but he wasn't present for my childhood, only Gloria (his mom). She did what she could for me: so I practiced on that old electric organ and I belted out hymns in church, and felt a little better about life. (Looking back, I was probably belting two octaves above the written music, and I feel a little bad for everyone in my vicinity, I must've been screaming in their ears without quite understanding it!) And then... then we moved from Texas to Mississippi. No more church (my mother doesn't do religion). School choir became my elective (no art classes, which is what I'd been doing before in school settings), and I auditioned as an alto. I'd always sung low and quiet around my mother, I felt I could "fake it" in a low register.
The choir director ran me through scales (something I'd never done) - and put me in the first sopranos! And from that point on I grew to understand that I had A Voice, which was a very new idea to 14 year old me. And suddenly I was getting so much positive attention for my singing - from classmates, teachers, even my mother! So of course I became hugely attached to music, to everything about choir, and started trying to learn everything I could. I landed on opera as "A Thing I Want To Do." But I didn't understand what that MEANT.
I didn't get a voice teacher until college; I was 17, full of my own opinions, and not terribly good at asking the right questions (like most inexperienced folks). My teacher had been a mezzo at the New York City Opera, but she really didn't teach with an eye towards building a performing voice for that kind of effort. She was training young women to be music ministers, or assistants to same (it was at that time a "Christian college," but they had the best scholarship, so...)
I ran out of scholarship money before finishing, and left. Got married, had a kid, struggled for a while. Went BACK to school, this time with determination to get something I could work with, if not a degree in music at LEAST some connections that would let me stay involved in the local music scene somehow. Second teacher was a very kind man, also a veteran of NYC Opera, and he was FAR more helpful in telling me what I needed to know. Namely that women's voices aren't actually "finished growing" until middle age, which would've been REALLY NICE to know the first time round! So I went at my lessons hard, even after I shifted to music as a minor (literature major, hoping for grad school, library science with focus on musical archives was in my vague plans by that time). I sang with the college choir, met excellent folks, continued learning theory and composition, pushing and pushing myself to my limits while STILL being a wife and mother.
I ran myself into the ground. And then my husband got sick. At this point, 2024, he's still on dialysis, not likely to get a transplant due to all the various complications and problems, and there are days when care-giving for him means my reminding him that he is not just waiting to die. It's not something I could EVER have seen coming, not in 2010 when I gave up on college for a second time. So much happened, in such quick succession, and I had my head down in it all just trying to make it one day at a time.
I've discovered your channel very recently as you already know. And it's been so wonderful to understand that opera DOES still give me the same joy now as it did back then. I still love Mozart, I still love 'nerding out' about classical music and finding all the connections between "old stuff" and popular music genres today. With your own joy and honesty and open-ness - you've given that back to me, or maybe I should say, helped me relocate that piece of my heart.
I learned long ago that I don't need to "only be music," but I'd forgotten why it mattered so much to me, and why I still need this in my life. For me, not someone else.
So... Thank you!
Hey Cait. Glad to hear that you're happy. I left the opera industry in 2019, a year after getting my master's and working as an adjunct for 2 semesters. I feel like you don't get that freedom of choice in the opera world, compared to other industries, and it's difficult to stand out and be noticed even if you're a good singer. After I left professional opera singing and started to sing only for myself, I realized why I fell in love with singing in the first place. It's so much more freeing to just sing whenever YOU want, and not when you have to. I like it as a hubby much better than when it was my career.
Well done for having the courage to be so honest Cait about your life experiences. I’m sure this will resonate with many in the Classical world and beyond . Have you ever thought about covering Crossover genres - what makes a rock or jazz singer different from Classical etc ? What are the different disciplines …and why are there only a few that actually can switch …just an idea …I’m sure you have plenty yourself. Keep the videos coming - great job 👍
There may be a project in the works...😉
You are so much stronger than you know 💪🏾
I just watched (and greatly appreciated) your fach videos, scrolled through your list of videos, and found this. Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. Although not in music, my ‘world’ came crashing down when I was not yet 20 and the career that my parents had groomed me for, all throughout my life to that point, became no longer possible. I can completely understand what you said about a mental health issue being seen as less stigmatising than a vocal injury. Music is such a gift and I’m glad to see you renewed in outlook after your injury. Best wishes for the future. o7
"For the first time in my life, I had relationships that were *not* based on classical music, I had friends who didn't care if I could sing."
That's been me all of my life. I've never built relationships around classical music because SO MANY classical musicians are psychotic and often make their identity be about only ONE thing. I am so glad that you were able to break away from the toxicity.
Interesting
I have never seen your channel before and I don't know why it was suggested to me but your honesty is so refreshing. I have had a similar situation in my life and can relate. Much respect.
It's a real struggle going through it, you're not alone! I hope your situation works out/has worked out for the best! 💜
same ❤
@@ScoresUnstitched What a story and what a courageous video. I have spent my entire career working with opera singers and I know veyr well just how hard they work and how vulnerable they can be. They don't have an extension to their bodies as their instruments. Their bodies are their instruments. I am glad that you have recovered emotionally.
Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing to watch
and experience. Thank you for that. You are among those special people that can courageously talk about mental health issues, just like others are doing it in the sports world.
I once stayed in an airbnb in Berlin and the host was a base that had performed often with the Dresden opera.
He said many of the things you said.
He talked about the stress of people's expectactions that one should sound "perfect" all the time and the messed of world of the of the addiction to aplause and adulation that many singers experience.
He had to get out of there, feeling it was tranforming his personality in ways he did not like.
So glad to have found your channel. Your being so honest will make me enjoy the it even more.
I and many others will surely enjoy this journey along with you. ❤❤
Thanks for sharing your experience. It makes me glad to know you're happy and I wish you the best ❤.
You are not alone in this kind of experience. I started singing very young, started studying voice at 16 years old. Was high-level conservatory trained. Sang and studied post conservatory. Did lots of early music and church singing. And realized that it was making me miserable. I love to sing, but I hate the nasty drama that comes along with the life of a singer, the stress of performing. I also realized that my conservatory training didn't make me into the singer I want to be. It was built on a lot of false premises. I started studying with a fantastic teacher who is re-training me. I'm just starting to be able to sing with the kind of feelings that I felt when I was young and singing was so much fun. I'm doing it for me. I turn 66 next week. I'm glad you are happy. I am, too.
Oh my god you said vocal hemorrhage and my heart dropped. I came close but luckily caught it. I am so sorry, vocal injury is awful.
This is so enlightening. I’m so happy I came across this video at literally 7 in the morning 😂 I am only 19 and on my wednesday’s I attend my music school from 6am-10pm at night, and this video is what pushes me to make it through the day. I am a double woodwind player, yet what you discuss is so universally essential. I constantly remind myself to pace myself and seek therapy, even when I think I don’t need it. So I thank you so much for sharing your story. I will share this with all my friends, you need to share your voice with every musician ❤
Wow hearing this really hits home for me, too. I dropped out of my degree for the same reason but now that I’m exploring living life without music I am finally able to return to studying with a healthy mindset. Thank you for sharing these feelings and experiences ❤
Sorry about your injury . It’s interesting to hear about the classical realm from a singers perspective. I’ve been guilty of overlooking the classical singer. One has to assume that some of the great classical composers were likely great singers.
"I don't feel the need to have a title, career, or institution degree to feel that I deserve a place in the musical world"....jeezus that hit me in the soul HARD (okay lowkey I'm aspiring to have the self-assuredness you have now!), as someone who started classical music from age 7 and built a lot of crumbling self-esteem around it. (Curiously, me taking 8 years-hiatus from classical music during college helped me explore self-identity, gender identity and expression which is awesome! Turns out devoting time to being an *actual human being* can be helpful!)
Anyway, I'm so happy and proud to hear you are honoring yourself, and feeling free to exist and love music as a human f**king being. :)
Wow. The grass is not, in fact, greener on the other side. This is a good lesson for those of us who feel like we wasted our life and talent by NOT pursuing something. Every industry has its gross side and it's REALLY good for people to know what those are. I'm sorry you went through all that but I'm happy for the growth and self-actualization you've achieved.
You have. the most beautiful voice ; angelic comes to mind. It is a gift which unfortunately can pressure one into toxic behaviour. I have dealt with many people who have, due to perceived societal pressures wholly ignored their bodies in pursuit of either money, status or approval who ignored all signs of alarm. It is important to listen to the body; it sends you constant messages about your health status and well being. which too many if not most ignore. Being able to find your 'happy space' and enjoy living there is paramount to a good life. You seem to have found the joy in your life, bravo! In the end you want to be able to say, "I had a good and joyful life" rather than misery for accolades.
Thank you, I think you're absolutely right. I hope you've found that for yourself as well!
Yes, be gentle with yourself. We get into things so unaware for so long, and dont always realize what we are pushing for and whst the alternatives are. Glad you stepped out of that stress and all the conttacts that were NOT jobs you liked!!
I sang when younger, and wondered if I would like touring like the folk or country singers did, and I thought NO WAY!! Being on a bus or plane all the time and different venues every night or so? Nope. Really seemed horrible to me, lol.
It's so true! I remember going to a masterclass when I was an undergraduate and the soprano who was working with us saying something like "if you can imagine yourself doing anything else, do that. The lack of any other option is the only thing that'll keep you going on the road." We thought she was kidding. 😅
Thank you for this video.
Our stories have many parallels.
My girl, you covered this up for so long. What a welcome release. As you know I have struggling right now as well but I have to tell you how proud I am of you and for you. You are such good stuff! Smart, beautiful, knowledgable, musical, all the things... Run! Run and play!
Sometimes I wish that we could choose how many likes to give a particular video. I wish I could give this video a thousand likes, for the sincerity the self-realization, the insight, candor, and amazingly honest truths presented here. Congratulations, Cait. You are an amazing human being, and have become more genuinely yourself than so many people I know.
Hey, I’m currently experiencing severe burnout and have been wanting to leave the classical music world for several months. I also live in Europe and have been at the top of my game for about 5, working as a freelance violinist, but I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I don’t know how. I’ve already cut ties with several of my contacts, but have been trying to give myself some space to see if I can still do it. I’m currently in the middle of a contract and no, I can’t do it. Thanks for your video - it feels good not to be alone.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Yes, the road looks different for everyone and it’s not easy. If you’re able to, I’d suggest expanding your community. Make friends who couldn’t tell the difference between a violin and a cello. Bond with people who specialize in a field you have no idea about. They will see you, not your violin. The classical world has a way of making us think it’s huge and all-encompassing, but it’s not. Start talking to “outsiders” and soon, you’ll have people walking next to you. Your work has given you so many transferable skills to thrive in the world. And the bow in your hand is not who you are. 🤍
The concept of putting little pebbles on a leaf is a good way to describe any injury. Injuries are remarkably sneaky. In 2019, I developed focal dystonia in my right hand, and now I think it also affects my left hand (I'm a pianist). Such a thing, I believe based on my history and my understanding of dystonia, came about because of a bunch of little bad habits that built up tension. Then one day, I tried playing an A major scale and suddenly my right fingers intensely curled in and refused to uncurl no matter how much effort I used. I think one these tension habits was how I viewed myself as someone with a lot of potential, because I was told, as a prodigy, that I could become great. I wanted to push myself toward that goal, and that push backfired. These realizations are all pretty recent for me, that connection between my mental health as a teenager and my development of dystonia a decade later. It's all tied together I think.
I understand Cait. I'm so grateful you found your path, however painfully, it's worth it.
My most sincere respect. It takes a great deal of courage to publicly speak about a tragedy in such an open and personal way. Even more courage is needed to face a cruel fate and not to despair. But the most courageous act is to look into the mirror and recognise oneself. I'm sure you noticed that shareing with others makes yourself carry less of the load. And you're wiser than many, as you decided that others and even fate itself shall not determine your personality let alone if you're happy, but only you do. My most sincere respect. I'm very happy to hear that you chose to be happy.
Hey there, it's so lovely to see how happy you are with where your life is now! I used to work in the same industry, but as a stage tech (stage manager, DSM) which was a lot of stress, long hours and getting work based on who I knew not on experience or knowledge which was extra tough. I've also left the industry now but don't regret the time I spent working there. Glad I found your stuff it's all top tier so far!
From one Cait to another, thank you for this lovely video :) I joined a semi-professional ensemble this month after a vocal injury several years ago that knocked my self confidence and perception so hard. Everything you said resonates and is true across passion careers. Keep it up!
I think your reason is a similar, if not the same reason that Kiri Te Kanawa quit. It’s also the reason why I only want to occasionally sing at operas live and not every day.
Thank you very much for posting this video. I think that I needed to hear it.
Hi Cait, new subscriber here. This video resonated with me deeply. I am somewhere in the midst of figuring things out workwise. I hope I can be happy somewhere in the near future. I've watched most of your videos and really like them, keep up the good work (if you like)!
Wow! Thank you fo sharing your journey Cait! So vulnerable!... and so many of us have struggled with these issues as well, including myself. All the best to you!
Thanks for sharing your interesting history 🙏💕
Ah sure there you are. Looking grand - we might see you over December if we are close to you.
Yesss, if you guys ever need a venue in Leiden, I'm connected. 😉 And I'm hoping I can catch y'all at Tivoli! Opening night, let's gooooo.
Thanks for sharing your heart. It's good to hear people can be real about life experiences. May you truly enjoy what's yet to come for you.
Thank you for sharing, Cait! All the best on what's next!
Speaking your truth is good for the soul. 🙏🎶🎶🎶
Thank you for posting this
So incredibly proud of you. ❤
Thanks for sharing (non-classical bassist here). Saludos desde Puerto Rico
This was so interesting and informative! I had no idea about the intricacies and challenges of singing!!! Thanks for your transparency and enthusiasm!!
Thank you for your honesty Cait. 33 years ago, i lost my left ear. I like music so much and sound recording. We don't know why this happened but one day we will.
Nice inner Work and realizations
Incredibly insightful video!
10:34
I’m happy for you too. :)
That's an incredible skill to hone and honor.
Do you think the injury is also due to training to technical musics when we are too young ? I heared this once. I'm glad ou spoke about this and all the pression in the classical industry and all. I tried to become professionnal during the pandemic but i just quitted cause I don't think i was ready at this point and the depression was too strong and I felt obliged to sing all the time.
The pictures are not disgusting in any way and yet I cringed. That would definitely be scary.
I'm also an ex-classical musician in the choral world. I got my master's in conducting, did a couple low-paying jobs, and then pivoted to a career that actually pays a good wage without consuming all your time (including every holiday). I haven't sung since I pivoted, but I do miss singing in a choir. I I keep saying I'll start again casually, but life is busy enough as it is.
Sounds freeing
Hello, I'm an aspiring opera singer. I'm still in high school so I'm still looking at all my options. I know that I love Opera and it's something that's stayed consistent, perhaps even grown since middle school. How could I figure out if this is some thing that 1- I'm cut out for and 2- that I won't regret later down the line. The only thing stopping me from making a firm decision is my parents and how my personal finance would work. I know an option is double major in something else so that it could sustain me, but other than that I've got no clue.
First things first, it's so incredibly cool that this is something you're already thinking about! 🎶 💜🎶 In my experience, the best things you can think about are: 1) *why* are you interested in this career and 2) is music the thing that can pull you out of the darkest moments, no matter what?
For the first one, really make sure you're not pursuing this because you're talented or because friends/teachers think you should. If you were in the bottom 50% of the talent pool, would you still want to do this? If it meant practicing hours longer than everyone else every day because you're not as good, but you can't imagine doing anything else? That's the mentality that the most successful singers have. Many of them were not the "golden child" of their choirs, and that's precisely what made them successful.
For the second one, this career will have some very dark moments. When you're sitting alone in a hotel in a country you've never been in, eating takeout for the 10th time that week, you've given up on finding a partner who can put up with your tour schedule and everyone around you is cheating on their spouses (it's a thing) and there's no one to talk to because everyone you know is thousands of miles away, asleep in another time zone and you're exhausted and learning music for the next gig while trying to remember the staging for this one and you have a gap in your schedule in three months which means you'll have to find a temp job so you can have something to eat...is it all worth it the moment you get onstage and sing?
As for regrets later down the line, oof, that's sort of what being human's all about. It comes down to what drives your survival. Would you thrive in a life of probable safety and certainty, or would the regret of not trying be worse than possible failure? Neither is wrong, but one is likely wrong for you. (And keep in mind that "failure" can come in a lot of packages, many of them unrelated to anything you have control over.)
My advice to you would be to talk to as many other musicians as you can. Ask college students why they pursued music and what they think of their studies. Ask master's students why they continued. See if you can find people who dropped their music degree and moved into something completely unrelated and ask them why. If you have access to them, talk to some professionals. Watch masterclasses on youtube, watch interviews, read memoirs of opera singers. By hearing their experiences and putting yourself in their shoes, you'll learn a ton that may help inform your decision.
Nothing about this choice is easy. I remember having the same conversation with my parents, who also insisted on a double major. Instead, I applied for as many scholarships as I could to be independent of their money. I'm not encouraging you to distance yourself emotionally from your family, especially if you're lucky enough (as I was) to have a family who loves and supports you. But I think most professionals in the industry will tell you that specialization is important. You need the time outside of class to practice, practice, and practice some more. You will have a whole second life in practice rooms. If going to school on your terms isn't possible because of financial obligation, I recommend finding people to fund what *you* want to do. Get out there and start asking people for money. That's a skill you'll need as a professional in the industry anyways and the sooner you get good at it, the better. 😉
Good luck, let us know how it goes! 🤩
@@ScoresUnstitched Oh wow, I appreciate the detailed response! I've definitely thought and acted on some of these questions and advice. Here's my take- I'm interested in this career because since the moment I would make harmonious sounds I've sung. Most of the time I annoyed the people around me by doing it. That's how I became decent, using the gift God made me. Still to this day I sing because it's one of the few things that gives me genuine joy, and it always has given me an outlet of self expression. The action of singing within itself makes me feel more alive than when I do anything else. It fills me with a rush of excitement afterwards that is very hard to explain.
I chose opera in general because it's always been something I've viewed as challenging (and I love a challenge) , but at the same time it is one of the most beautiful art forms I've encountered thus far. I will admit, even without being in the industry I can already view the amount of pressure one has, but even so I've continued along because I believe that it is worth it.
At first I was viewed as "talented" in contemporary music. When I first started high school I realized that there was still a lot to work on, and that I was far from perfection. Even if perfection is what we make of it. So I started working harder to get my contemporary singing in shape.
Now barely anybody compliments me because I only ever sing a lot during chorus or places I'm asked to sing at so I know that especially when I'm singing with other musicians they always carry this sense of "competition" but I don't really get it because we are all here to learn and nobody is perfect so we should only encourage other musicians as well. I know we are still teenagers though so It doesn't bother me anymore, because now I know what the real intentions and thoughts behind that behavior are.
Nobody else in my life ever told me I should pursue singing, they only encouraged it when they saw me genuinely happy after a performance, because I am not one who is surrounded by experts. Only my chorus teachers advised me on how to make music a job in a smart way and youtube. The idea of becoming an opera singer came straight out of my head. And yes, music can pull me out of a mental breakdown or stress really easily.
As for talent, I don't really believe in just having talent, only molding the talent with skill. Yes, one could possess talent but that is the first building block to the long process of improving our skill. I believe hard work is what gets you to the top more than talent. My phrase is talent is a juicy lemon and your cup and water are your final results. If you practice/squeeze the lemon juice, the result is what matters, because a lemon by itself is just the potential, not the ultimate result.That’s what I believe, but if I’m wrong feel free to enlighten me!!!
For finding partners, that’s a topic that I don’t know much about. And the unfaithfulness is just unfortunate and I'm sorry you had to witness that. I feel like that isn’t something I’m thinking about yet. My mom told me to find somebody who already is stable and who compliments your personality and life. That’s it, that’s all I know. The no friends in a foreign country thing, I’d say make friends. I think I’m fairly social when I want to be, and friends or no friends right now I’m fine with it. I know a lot of people but I like to keep 1-2 people close and that’s it. The rest are acquaintances or just school friends who enhance my overall school experience.. Learning music and staging and lines is tough, even now in highschool level classes like theater I find it tough and I haven’t even gotten to the hardest part. I’m actually going to audition for the spring musical so i can get a sense of what a stage production is like so I can use it as reference in opera. Personally I find the process of learning music fun. I don’t know yet, but I feel like that moment on stage is priceless in my book. I believe failure is a part of life and as for me I prefer the middle ground of safety and risk.
In your video you said you made your value be off of your musical abilities. I've heard of people doing this before and I've made sure to make a lot of social connections and do a lot of different things outside of music like AP psychology, NJROTC and other classes. My other personality that is different from music is based on being a hardworking student. I have created goals outside of music.
Scholarships is an option I really am going to approach when they let me, but I don't really have the skill of asking around/ patreon stuff just yet. What you said about Memoirs on successful people and asking around, I’ve just started my journey this last summer on that research. I know they all took time and grind to be where they are and again, it’s the rule of life. Hard Work = guaranteed success. I’ve yet to find a person who hasn’t made it because they didn’t work hard. Now I’m not saying work hard till I reach a breaking point. But to try and find a balance that works for me.
P.S.: Being well rounded over all is something I've been told often not just by my school counselors but other professional musicians as well. I always make sure to hear everybody's story so when it counts, I can reach a thoughtful conclusion. btw- I have 2 years left of high school (I just started sophomore year) and everybody keeps telling me I have time to think about all of this but I strongly believe that before I know it I'll be in a stadium with a graduation cap. That's why I want to make everything count. Be analytical ya know?
P.S.S: sorry it's so long but I'm just rewatching your video and forgot to say that I am so sorry about the whole hemorrhage. I know you see the positive side of it now, but I'm sure it must of been mentally painful and vocal injuries make me very sad because of singing being a huge part of my life.
I wonder what caused the injury. Too much stress on vocal chords? Maybe singing at such a high pitch for so long broke it? I have no idea.
Cait I wanted to sing opera I also found I didn't have the voice for it so I decided to compose or write libretti or even short stories would they be good for opera? I don't know but I try did you ask God to help you? can you go to a doctor that can help you I saw on you tube a woman who went to a doctor and fixed her voice there is hope yet for you you can take my advice or leave it but try if it doesn't work try a musical instriment or you can teach you have the backing or another career good luck💞
Breeeeathe, just breathe.
Well, did you get the rip/polyp fixed, a la John Mayer, Botox injections?
Did you study something completely new, is youtube your fulltime carreer or do you work another job, too?
I wish I could have made this video several times over the last 20 years. But I'm not a musician, even though I'm trying to learn to play the piano.
I was a Chiropractor that suffered a shoulder injury, and then suffered a medical mistake, and had to rethink how I would treat patients.
I think I did a good reconversion, and surprisingly learned to treat shoulders and to see the importance of shoulders for many problems in the body. And Europe is notorious for either misdiagnosing or not diagnosing shoulder injuries.
Funny that you talked about having to pay attention to your shoulders. Hmmm.
Actually I think there is a way to help people injured by the Jab by treating the shoulder. But it's difficult to discuss medical issues in todays climate.
Speaking of climate, there are hardly any of the music videos that talk about what's happening in the climate.
I’m sorry that happened to you. 😔 It’s definitely something I think people in a lot of industries can relate to. Anyone who’s spent their life investing solely in one specific skill is at huge risk. Literally all it takes is one moment to change everything. I’m glad you’ve found your new path! 🙏
Welcome to the music BUSINESS. Not all it's cracked up to be huh? Obsessive compulsive musicians injure themselves by overdoing everything.