The Ultimatum: Queer Love Review (Therapist Reacts)
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- Опубликовано: 29 окт 2024
- The Ultimatum: Queer Love Review - Therapist Reacts: In this video, I, react to the latest episode of Netflix's new reality show, The Ultimatum: Queer Love, which follows five long-term couples who are put under pressure to get married or move on. I offer professional insights on the show's portrayal of relationships, communication, and conflict resolution.
I believe that communication is essential for any healthy relationship. In this video, I discuss the importance of open and honest communication, as well as how to deal with conflict in a constructive way. I also offer tips for building stronger relationships, such as:
➡️ Communicating your needs and wants to your partner.
➡️ Listening to your partner's needs and wants without judgment.
➡️ Finding common ground when you disagree.
➡️ Avoid name-calling, insults, and threats during the conflict.
➡️ Seeking professional help if you are struggling to resolve conflict on your own.
If you want to learn more about relationships, communication, and conflict resolution, I encourage you to watch this video. I also invite you to subscribe to my channel for more videos on mental health and relationships.
If you are struggling with relationship issues, I encourage you to seek professional help. A therapist can help you to improve your communication skills, resolve conflict, and build healthier relationships.
⚠️ Trigger Warning: This episode may include topics such as assault, trauma, and discrimination. If necessary, listeners are encouraged to refrain from listening and care for their safety and well-being.
⚠️ After creating this video, I learned more about each individual's pronouns and preferred gender. Please note I misgendered and used the wrong pronouns for some of the cast. I do apologize if that may trigger or mentally harm viewers. The commentary in the video is not meant to harm or hurt anyone. #theultimatum #queerlove #ultimatumreview #therapistreacts
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Vanessa was honest. In all her interactions she was honest. I think the goody two shoes Lexi HID her own narcissistic tendency by using Vanessa. Xander is a liar and a coward and they used Vanessa as their confidence and strength. Yoli actively lied during the process and was avoiding honesty throughout the entire process even though she had the option of honesty even though it would have been hard. Whatever her personal reasons for going on the show I think that Vanessa was used as an emotional bad guy and crutch for the cast. They were more free to be their worst cause they all knew that she would be the hated one. I saw everyone just lean into that narrative and it created a very abusive dynamic for that poor girl with a bunch of strangers and she is rejected by the person she came with, all the cast and then all of us. Im glad xander was rejected and played basically by yoli and I think Mal deserved way better. I also believe that Lexi is more of a bully than anyone else on the show including aussie.
Yes, as a neurodivergent therapist myself. I believe that Vanessa reflects signs of neurodivergence, including sensory overwhelm. We see her struggling to understand what was said, even covering her ears in a crowded restaurant, mishearing/ processing. If you read over interviews with Vanessa she describes overwhelm, masking (aka always smiling and having to be the funny one), and having communication struggles that reflect the double empathy problem. I think the way Lexi reacted to Vanessa and was able to control the narrative with the other folks on the show hint at the power and control dynamics you see throughout the show between Lexi and Rae.
@@Abiellebumblebee This, so much of this. Especially the Lexi and Rae and the hidden manipulation dynamic. Vanessa's Dad pretends to listen but doesnt hear others and I think that's why she comes off as so shallow. It's easy when you struggle for others to tell you what you are and then you be that thing for them cause what else could you be right? Also, Xander talks about learning a lot from Vanessa. Xander and her father are the same. They listen but dont hear. If Xander had been able to hear Yoli they would have been engaged. Xander was on a very selfish road of self discovery and so I think got the space of ''vulnerable'' in the relationship but I think they fell apart because Vanessa did not keep giving in to the emotional sacrifice to the altar of Xanders journey. I think Xander has ignored Vanessa's journey and took her for granted. I dont think people realised that when Vanessa was bragging Xander would never leave them it's because of all the emotional sacrifices and burdens that she has carried for her partner. This show was Xanders chance to show the world how strong their bond and that they could be strong for Vanessa was and the weakness came through. You bring your partner on the show and issue this ultimatum and then practically watch as the whole place burns them to a crisp. As soon as Xander had to do any emotional labour for vanessa and there was pushback they chose not to. Why? Because Vanessa is used to carrying the emotional labour and doing all the explaining. Xander didn't even know how to start defending her?!?!?! ANyways, thanks for replying. I was thinking all this and now it can live here.
@@TheInnerchild.Whisperer wow, a creator in the comments!! whoot whoot. I feel so seen :) Lots of love from Africa! I agree that yes Vanessa is manipulative in her relationship with an emotionally weak person. They were in a very long term relationship. Xander arrives on the show coming off as a confident catch with their ish together. Vanessa comes in looking like she is shallow and dishonest. We reflect the love, strength, kindness and care that we are given by others. By the end Xander without Vanessa has lost the plot. They in love with another person and need even more space for an emotional journey. Vanessa left the show sure that she still loves Xander. I see who did the labour in the relationship. Vanessa found out a lot about herself by going on a tv show. Did she not have space to discover this in their relationship? I think Vanessa made her personality reflect what xander wanted to see until xander didnt want to see that anymore and she just didnt know how to create this persona that xander was looking for to reflect back what xander needed because her relationship wasnt about her being a person it was built around Xander's emotional journey and growth and reflecting that back at xander with praise and love. NOT saying Vanessa is perfect but they did that poor girl so dirty.
Are you looking forward to the new season?
Are you going to watch the new season?
One stereotype I noticed from a lesbian perspective is the expectation for masculine-presenting partners to conform to traditional male gender roles. Even though they don't identify as men and don't have the same privileges as cis men, the masc cast members seemed to face a lot more pressure to 'have their finances in order' and 'provide' for their feminine-presenting partners. Mal, Xander, Tiff, and Aussie all had their financial circumstances discussed at some point as a factor in their eligibility for marriage. It can be a really unfair double standard, and it seemed to cause a lot of stress for Mal and Tiff in particular.
👏👏👏👏 this! Why is their responsibility for save up for IVF? Loved Yoli... but did she want a wife or child? Made me sick.
yup that kinda bugged me too.
I said this throughout and it really frustrated me. I ket screaming at my TV YOLY AND WHERE IS YOUR OWN MONEY 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾. I’m like “so homosexual relationships are just another side of the heteronormative coin.”
Another angle to this is how Tiff is treated at the reunion. I bet you if Tiff had abused Mildred to half the extent of Mildred’s abuse, they would not have even let them be at the reunion. Society coddles ultra-femme women and even in lesbian relationships. It’s unfair.
@@TheInnerchild.Whisperer in the reunion she very clearly expresses she wants children
@@pearlosibu It's so true 😢 It's even more insidious when the masc partner is on the nonbinary spectrum (I believe all of the masc partners on the show are) and are more likely to suffer employment discrimination. Mildred grilling Tiff about not having a 'real job' is so unfair 💀
I feel like during the entirety of mal/yoly’s proposal scene was yoly lowkey trying to make Mal break up with her since she desperately wants to avoid being “the bad guy”. And how she took off the ring before meeting with Xander? It’s like she just wants to see who’s gonna fight harder for her and boost her ego more
Totally! The premise of this show in itself is littered with red flags. And the host should’ve addressed the physical abuse instead of letting her ramble on about how everything was Tiff’s fault
I feel like the level of abusiveness in the Mildred-tiff relationship was really underplayed. I'm sure you're right about the root of it being a replay of trauma, but in practice she is extremely controlling, gaslighting, hostile, devaluing-hoovering, breaking down Tiff's wellbeing.
In contrast it was really important that Sam learn to speak up! But I feel like she is very emotionally mature, and a lot of her not speaking up was because of empathy, cause she knew how hard Aussie was trying against huge odds. Possibly moving on would still be the right choice, but I feel like Aussie and Sam did right by eachother as best they could
@@TheInnerchild.Whisperer I mean maybe, but to me Mildred was a masterclass on what abuse looks like. And part of the problem with abuse is because everyone keeps their personal stuff personal, and so you have nothing to compare it to! So being able to see that dynamic from the outside, I think could be a really useful tool to teach people how abusive relationships function
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate your empathetic approach when talking about the cast.
As someone on the autism spectrum, I found that Rae and Aussie seemed to show some of the signs of also being on the spectrum, like over stimulation and alexithymia. Entirely speculative on my end, but I’m curious what you think 🤔
I completely agree about Yoly, I don’t think she anticipated Mal meeting her where she was at and trying to get engaged, get married & do all of the things
Lexi was projecting her own traits onto Vanessa--Lexi treated Rae like a prized trophy and an extension of herself as a narcissist. Even after show Lexi has been so off the walls about the attention. I think Vanessa is neurodivergent and was bullied by mean girls here who noticed something "off" about her because she was genuinely not reading the room/social situations ever and just excited to be there and meet people and awkward and not getting it right. Lexi, Tiff, Mal all read narcissists to me. Mal is a smooth one but something is off there and Yoli said she cheated on her early in the relationship on her tiktok. Tiff has been the loudest on socials since the show and her behavior with her dog was such disrespectful nonsense. Yoli, Mildred read BPD--I have no idea if Mildred is the instigator or if it's reactive abuse and no way to tell that--especially since the show is cut/edited a certain way. Vanessa, Xander, and Aussie seem autistic to me (also why I think Vanessa and Xander were together). Rae and Sam seem like the most "normal".
Thank you! I saw narc traits in Mal too. Is she a nice person, sure. But she is obsessed with people being obsessed with her. I wouldn’t even doubt she knows how to use hypnosis. Do you notice how she sits? The way she holds her face/chin and leans when she’s smooth talking someone? Yes she’s mimicking male movements but is also what narc player dudes do. She knew Lexi wanted a marriage and within a week of knowing her she talked about having kids with her and told her what she wanted to hear. Mal needs a therapist because she’s a manipulator and uses people for attention. Something ain’t right with her.
Vanessa isn't autistic, she reminds me of a person who I knew that had been diagnosed with NPD.
Mal, possibly? Tiff, no And Aussie traumatized but possible! Autistic.
Tiff is reacting to the gaslighting! In fact, there were a few unedited parts where mildred actively gaslit tiff.
Also, the experience tiff had with Sam shows that neither were the issue. They both found it easy to communicate in their trial after a short time. However, mildred drove Aussie out! And had the same feedback as from tiff.
Yolly is adorable but I think polyamorous.
Vanessa and Mildred were the issue.
Autism and narcissism can present similarly but the difference is in the reasoning and brain processing, and intentionality of the behaviors. I see Vanessa being toxic and aloof, but I don't think she has any intention to mislead or cause harm: she was straight forward and honest even when it didn't benefit her to be. She isn't duplicitous and the most "fake" and manipulative and controlling people called her out for that immediately, split on her and started referring to her as Voldemort. That's some middle school bullying right there-and frequent for neurodivergent folks to become outcasted like that, especially by narcissists.
Yoly is petty and manipulative--nothing cute about that.
@Denise Brady, LMFT I largely think it's her situation with Xander that makes people really feel for her, and see the large capacity for love and emotions she has as likable. It kind of blurs over all of the concerning qualities because she's "just in love" and "it's so cute" and she's feeling a lot and we have sympathy towards that-even Mal was like it's cute right? She's just a big hearted lover girlie and people can get behind that or become protective of that--she also somehow comes across as fiercely loyal despite it all. Her seemingly positive qualities on the surface tend to blur over all the less appealing traits and behaviors.
I hated vanessa in episode 1 and by episode 7 i was ready to go to war for her. She’s a sweet clueless little puppy. The scene where everyone left and she was confused i just wanted to hug her.
Xander and Vanessa were doing too much for nothing in their relationship lol. It's like they were trying to be what the other wanted to make it work but since they were both playing a character neither actually saw their partner and couldn't learn what the other actually needed. They were uncomfy to watch.
*gasp* Your take is EXACTLY how I felt about Mel. Mel and Yoli were off from the start. I don't know how that aweful engagement didn't tip Mel off.
Aussie....I don't know how or why Sam stayed. A year later and they are still where they started. I wish Sam chose herself and left. Sam found her voice after Tiff then muffled it again for Aussies comfort again. They are way too sad.
I think Sam is very compassionate and patient. And I think Aussie, although maybe failing to make progress, is trying. And is a good person. And so it's difficult for Sam's compassion to run out, even if it could be better for them. Because she wants to support this vulnerable person. You saw her run to tiff when tiff needed someone. You saw how she held steady through tiffs bad behaviour long enough for her to stabilise and realise she was safe and could come out of fight mode. Idk how she moves forward but she's a very kind and empathic person and even if staying is wrong it's for good reasons
I would challenge the observation that Lexi and Rae seemed like sisters or incestuous. Could this be because you're not used to seeing two femmes together? I agree that they shouldn't be together and think Lexi was overbearing and Rae needs to discover herself more
They did though lol I have noticed alot over the years that some gay/lesbian couples look and seem incestuous and it’s creepy. I’ve seen it with straight couples too. It has nothing to do with them being femme.
What are your thoughts post season?
Love your videos. I think these shows should have mental health assistance. If anything it will encourage problem solving as opposed to thinking there is something wrong with you and it's all hopeless. Love you girl.
So I see a lot of myself in Sam. I was an emotionally parentified child and as I was growing up I was blind to a lot of the bad behaviors other people were exhibiting or side with the wrongdoers in situations because I saw them as sort of victim underdogs acting out of trauma. I would chronically make excuses for people and enable them. Sam seems kind hearted but to a detriment. I think she maybe gets lost in excusing aussies avoidant tendencies and doesn’t have a clear headed grasp on what actually meeting someone halfway looks like. I think some of Lexi’s obsession with Vanessa maybe came from something more related to her own self instead of related to Rae. I mean like maybe Lexi saw some of herself in Vanessa and didn’t like it, or she just wanted to be the most assertive person. She mentioned multiple times how “you’re the loudest person in the room, normally I’m the loudest person, etc” maybe there was some competitive vibe or a little jealousy or something. Idk. Vanessa was a flaming narcissist in my eyes in the beginning and then by the reunion I was like hmm… has she grown? But she could be putting on a show. I still think she seems selfish and involves herself in some things for the wrong reasons but idk. I also didn’t watch the whole season so my opinion on her is pretty underdeveloped. I watched the first few eps and then the reunion. I also see some of myself in Rae, it was hard to get a read on her. She just seemed really introverted and shy like you mentioned, I think she let herself get pushed to do this by Lexi and otherwise she wouldn’t have been on a show like this.
Also just to clarify, I don’t think Aussie is a wrongdoer per se. I just think she is also underdeveloped in some ways/has not confronted a lot of things she needs to in order to be able to fully show up to a relationship with another person. She probably goes after people like Sam in life because Sam won’t challenge her or push her to change, Aussie doesn’t seem ready to change or face various aspects of herself and the people around her fully. She’s still in chronic flight mode basically. She doesn’t seem like a bad person tho.
Also I agree with your assessment that Netflix should bring some therapists on set! Now that is something I’d love to see and people would benefit a lot from that I think.
Wait, have I been saying narcissistic wrong this whole time?