How Many Super Smash Bros. Characters Could I Beat in a Fist Fight? (64/Melee)

Super Smash Bros. houses some of the most powerful characters in video games. So, how would a pudgy 21-year-old from the west coast do in a fistfight against them all?
In this mini-series, I would like to hypothetically answer that question.

[@jaylenecarleen7038]

???????

[@bdlee3454]

I'd be confused too if I found this in my recommended