HOW CHRONIC ILLNESS IMPACTED MY IDENTITY IN THE WORKPLACE AND LTD 4K

IN THIS VIDEO I EXPLORE THE IMPACT THAT MY CHRONIC ILLNESSES HAD ON MY IDENTITY IN THE WORKPLACE AND AFTER THE WORKPLACE, ON LONG TERM DISABILITY.
MY FIRST YEAR WORKING IN CAMPUS MINISTRY WAS CHALLENGING. I WAS SO EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME, DEPRESSED, LONELY, AND FEELING LIKE I WANTED TO QUIT MANY TIMES. TENSIONS ON MY STAFF TEAM AND IN MY LIVING SPACE CAUSED FURTHER STRESS AND ANGST.
AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST THE DARK CLOUDY WINTERS IN VANCOUVER THAT WERE TO BLAME. I CAME TO ACCEPT THAT I HAD SOME VERSION OF A "SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER" OR "SAD". I DID INDEED FEEL SAD A LOT OF THE TIME.
I WAS SAD THAT I WASN'T MEETING MY HOPES OF DOING WELL IN MINISTRY, THE ONLY CAREER THAT GOT ME EXCITED AND THAT I WAS SOMEWHAT COMPETENT AT. AS DARK MONTHS ROLLED INTO SEASONS OF TRAVEL ELSEWHERE AND DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENTS MY FATIGUE GREW WORSE.
YEAR AFTER YEAR I JUST PERSEVERED AND DID WHAT I COULD. HAVING BIG DREAMS OF CHANGING THE WORLD IS NOT EASY WHEN YOUR BODY IS SO UNCOOPERATIVE AND LETHARGIC. I PUSHED AND CRASHED AS A WAY OF LIFE.
UNIVERSITY MINISTRY WAS FAST PACED, ALWAYS ON THE MOVE AND CHANGING EVERY 3 MONTHS. I WAS TRAVELING A LOT AND LEADING VARIOUS STAFF TEAMS AT UBC AND ON NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL PROJECTS. I GREW TO LOVE LEADING AND ENJOYED THE CREATIVITY AND PERSONALITY WITH WHICH I COULD LEAD. I OFTEN SPOKE AT VARIOUS VENUES AS WELL.
THINGS WERE GOING SO WELL OUTWARDLY. MY WIFE AND I STARTED A FAMILY AND THE MINISTRY WAS FLOURISHING. WE HAD A GROWING STAFF TEAM AND STUDENT OWNERSHIP AND SAW STUDENTS GOING ON MISSIONS TRIPS ALL OVER THE WORLD. THEY WERE ENGAGING WITH FRIENDS AND PEERS TO HELP THEM KNOW JESUS IN PERSONAL EVANGELISM AS WELL AS OUTREACHES WE ORGANIZED AND HOSTED.
I WAS LEADING THE ASSOCIATION OF CHRISTIAN CLUBS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA AND ENJOYING THE UNIFICATION OF BELIEVERS.
BUT ONE SUMMER PROJECT IN CALGARY I KNEW SOMETHING WITHIN ME HAD CHANGED. I WAS GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF MINISTRY BUT FEELING NO PASSION OR HEART FOR IT. I WAS SO EXHAUSTED AND SPENT.
I WASN'T ABLE TO ARTICULATE WHAT WAS GOING ON. OVER THE NEXT YEARS I WOULD HAVE A FEW MEETINGS WITH MY MANAGERS WHO WERE REMOTE. THEY WOULD SWOOP IN AND MEET ME FOR A BRIEF MEETING AND THEN BE GONE.
I TRIED TO VERBALIZE MY EXHAUSTION TO THEM BUT FELT LIKE THEY COULDN'T SEE THE REALITY OF MY SUFFERING. STAFF THAT I WAS TRAINING WOULD SEE THE DAY IN AND DAY OUT FATIGUE THAT WAS MOUNTING. THEY WOULD SEE ME YAWN CONSTANTLY DESPITE THE WILL TO POWER THROUGH.
I ENJOYED MINISTRY AND DOING SO MANY THINGS, BUT EVENTUALLY IT WAS BECOMING MORE UNMANAGEABLE. I WAS GETTING SO STRESSED AND ANXIOUS THAT I WASN'T SLEEPING WELL. MY YOUNG GROWING FAMILY WAS ALSO TAKING MORE ENERGY. I WONDERED HOW I WOULD SURVIVE THE REST OF MY WORKING CAREER.
IN MY SEVENTH YEAR OF LEADING THE STAFF AND STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA, A NEW MANAGER CAME TO VISIT. I EXPRESSED THE SAME CONCERNS AND FELT LIKE HE LISTENED WELL. THE NEXT EVENTS TOTALLY SHOCKED ME AND TOOK ME BY SURPRISE.
AFTER PROBING FURTHER AND ASKING CLARIFYING QUESTIONS SEAN TOLD ME THAT HE WAS MANDATING THAT I TAKE A 6 MONTH LEAVE. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION. I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW FAST HE MADE THE DECISION BUT I AM SO THANKFUL HE DID.
I WAS IN SO MUCH DESPAIR OVER MY FATIGUE AND MOUNTING RESPONSIBILITIES. I WAS RELIEVED OF MY WORK RESPONSIBILITIES. I SIGHED A SENSE OF RELEIF. SOMEONE HEARD ME AND TOOK ACTION BECAUSE THEY CARED MORE ABOUT ME AND MY HEALTH THAN KEEPING THE SURFACE LOOKING GOOD AND MOVING ALONG.
HIS WORDS WERE ALSO HAUNTING WORDS. WHAT WOULD I DO? WOULD I COME BACK? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS, RESPONSIBILITIES THAT I FELT SO NEEDED? WHAT WOULD I DO WITH MY TIME?
I KNEW I HAD NO ENERGY TO RETRAIN MYSELF IN A DIFFERENT CAREER, TO GET MORE EDUCATION, SO I SIMPLY ACCEPT THE OFFER AND TOOK THE LEAVE.
FOR MONTHS INTO THE LEAVE I COULDN'T REST. I WAS DRIVEN TO DO THINGS THAT I HAD FALLEN BEHIND IN DOING DUE TO WORK AND FAMILY. WE HAD FRIENDS WHO HEARD ABOUT MY POOR HEALTH OFFER THEIR CABINS AT MT BAKER, KELOWNA, AND TOFINO. AND WE WERE ABLE TO RENT AN AMERICAN STAFF'S CONDO FOR A MONTH IN HONOLULU, HAWAII.
EVEN AFTER SIX MONTHS I DIDN'T FEEL REFRESHED AND READY TO JUMP INTO MINISTRY AGAIN, BUT I HAD NO CHOICE. I HAD TO TRY. I MANAGED TO INTEGRATE BUT IT FELT STRANGE NOT BEING THE LEADER ANYMORE AND TO JOIN THE TEAM IN THE YEAR'S PROGRESS. THE GUY I HAD BEEN TRAINING WAS NOW THE LEADER.
I WAS AT A STAFF TEAM RETREAT AND WAS STRUGGLING WITH DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND EVEN SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. I COULDN'T HANDLE THE STRESS OF THE MEETINGS.
I HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT I WOULD BE A P2C STAFF FOR LIFE, SO IN DISBELIEF I REMEMBER SAYING TO MY WIFE, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE."
I WAS ABLE TO JOIN CREATIVE COMMUNICATIONS AND WRITE ON THE P2C BLOG ABOUT MY HEALTH JOURNEY.
I WASN'T ABLE TO PUT THE BC COMPLEX CHRONIC DISEASE PROGRAM WEBSITE. I NEED TO GET FURTHER RUclips VERIFICATION. JUST GOOGLE "BC COMPLEX CHRONIC DISEASE. PROGRAM."