That hit too but then again if you go to the village it's frowned upon these days. We're almost pigeon hold into this notion of one person needs to do it all.
She crushed most of the modern psychological theories about relationships. No wonder we are lonelier than ever because we are so self focused. I just love Esther
and from what generation might this be a result? IF it was all so great 'back in the day', then why it was not succesfully passed down to next generations? The 'me me me' might be a result of not passing the right information down to them
@@sanderschatEnvironment changes, things happen, society evolves. There's no guarantee that lessons from the past will be transferred to the next generation. In the past 100 years, the dawn of science and the concurrent wane of religion could hardly be overstated in their effect on society.
Too much choice = difficulty to commit. Too high expectations = not living in reality (ie. try having realistic expectations). Too focused on our selves (and us wanting love, instead of giving love) = missing/ignoring/not seeing/not loving others. Having lost our tribe/community = bad.
Thank you for underlining it! I find it so true, l need the other to get to know myself, as the "Ubuntu" philosophy says: l need you so that l can be me! 🌸🌸🌸
Love story versus life story has saved me this year. Seriously. You can love very many people in different ways, but finding someone to do life with was the mindset shift I needed
Can u tell me what book Ester wrote I must have missed it on previous podcasts my horses have been giving birth n my assistance has been needed a bit so missed some thank you I have become a big fan / FOLLOWER B SAFE
Ｔhe perfect relationship is the one you have with yourself and the one you have with your bank account. Single and happy with a lot of money is far better than any relationship with anyone. All of these talks are pure BS propaganda. I live happily alone, in a big house with my pets, my beautiful garden in a wonderful area. The interior of my house is my design and my design alone, i never argue with anyone in my house because i don't disagree with myself. When i want to go out for drinks with friends, or on holiday, there is no need to negotiate anything, i go wherever i want whenever i want and come back whenever i do see fit. Children are costly and often turn out to be perfect jerks and make you age prematurely with all the stress they cause, so i don't need those. And even if i wanted kids i can easily adopt them because. Partner are pretty much the adult version of children except they come with baggage and you have to deal with them so you have to compromise and i don't see why i should compromise with anyone about how i choose to live, just for a bit of companionship or for sex. Sex is super easy to find and companionship is provided by friends whom you do not have to take care of. There is really no better and more fulfilling relationship than the one you have with yourself and the one you have with a full bank account because you worked hard to get a good job which allows you to live comfortably. People are often scared to be alone because they see solitude as negative. often because they do not have a lot of money. When you have money you are never lonely. If i feel down i get the best pet sitter in the book even for 500 dollars a day and I jump on a flight to Hawai or the south of France or Japan and i have a blast for a couple of weeks and then i am back home happy and fuelled to face whatever situation comes to me. I don't need a partner to take care of me if i am sick, that's why we have doctors and hospitals and house help, and i don't need kids to take care of me in my old age, that7s why we also have home help and doctors, and in the worst case scenario a retirement house in the mountains of switzerland. People want companionship because they are not rich enough to enjoy life with little money and lack of education or to face social pressure which stigmatizes singles. When i get out of Cartier or Gucci with a new wardrobe and drop my stuff at a hotel to meet friends at a nice restaurant to enjoy a completely free and stressfree night out, and on the way i meet a woman dressed by gap pushing a baby in a stroller with two more kids on the side looking exhausted, asking her husband over the phone to pick up the dry cleaning or get a pizza because she doesn't have the time or energy to cook or telling her kids that they can't have what they want for christmas, i don't feel like i am the one who should feel bad being single ! It validates me in the idea that i made the right decision by choosing ME .
"You learn to love yourself in the context of your relationships with others" - damn. That explains why I never seemed to love myself when every guru or friend told me to. That I need to like myself first before someone else likes me. We do not talk to each other in our family that much on the deeper level. And recently, I spoke to my older sister for about 2 hours. And at the end, or even day later, I felt like I am pretty cool person. I listened to her, provided some feedback, thoughts, I supported her. We had a good discussion on many things. Especially around family and relationships. So, I think this is the golden sentence that I quoted above. How can you love yourself when you have shallow relationships and therefore you the reflection others provide to you by interacting with you is not there? You only see the surface. How you look, what you say, maybe how you say it. Then you get a feeling that "noone understands me".
Aspects of yourself you never imagined you had emerge in the context of relationships. As such, relationships provide an excellent opportunity for learning and growth...and the complete opposite. We choose which.
Doing new things is so true. I tried to emphasize to my ex gf that it's ok to live outside her box..or our box, and just have fun..'wing it'. And when sge did, while hesitant she loved it. But then always fell back into that box. Sadist thing was she was so hurt from her ex husband she just could not open up enough to let me fully inside. And I needed to see her like that, as I'm always open and inviting. I'm sad she was/is so hurt still from her ex, as she does not want that hurt again. And she knew I'd never hurt her, but you can't just throw away hurt, you need time to heal. So I gave her time to heal, and I love her still..immensely, but she must heal before she can let anyone in, without fear of being hurt. I miss her..love her, and pray she finds inner peace.
If you Love Her you will wait for Her and give her the time she needs to Heal and if you do that you will have a Great Relationship. Wait for Her if you Truly Love Her.❤
@@sheriwilliams8942I did and I texted her a Happy Birthday in August and she thanked me for remembering. But on my Birthday in Sept she did not send a text or on Thanksgiving or the Holidays. I never texted her since August as I'm thinking she's just not interested or too stubborn to admit she wants to try again. I've been dating since we broke up, and had two short term relationships, but both never had that spark, or even close to it. I try to not think about it, but I do miss the times we had together. I never had that deep of a bond before in life, even in marriage. She left off saying she knows we will fall right back madly in love quickly, but is too scared to have and lose it, again. Last she said was she thinks about me at times, but can't risk losing that again. I'll give her all the time but while I've been trying to move on, I can't get reach that bonding we had. And she's not even my type, but that connection was real and I miss it badly..still.
She described our parents generation versus ours very accurately. But i don’t believe the previous generation were more happy than us. I saw my parents fight so often and my mother felt so depressed that I wished she had quit my father. They are now 72 and 74 and still together. I never see my parents really had a connection but they learn to live together because they think it’s their duty to keep the family together. Our generation are more foregiving for ourselves and we believe we are worth to have happiness.
Ditto. I would describe my parents similar to yours. They have been married for 61 years. Yet, there is little connection or closeness. Kind of like a roommate situation.
Esther this woman knows what she’s talking about. I enjoy listening to her so much wisdom experience well spoken straight to the point,Respectable, professional And much much much more. Thank you for posting
I have never heard a human being spawn so much knowledge that completely makes sense, in so little time. Straight to the point. I think i needed to watch hours with other people to learn what she just taught me.
I always love to hear he speak. She is deeply fascinating. He insight is impeccable and her vocabulary and language is inspiring.. She seems to have so much insight, so many answers without being overbearing, boring and trite.
Esther Perel has got it down. She really understands what is going on in people's heads when it comes to relating. Excellent! There is nothing like truth.
It’s not about high expectations, most people esp those who have done some self introspection don’t expect their partner to be everything. They expect the same effort and sincerity that they give. Who these days is ready to commit, communicate and operate on a conscious level.
Yes, I want the same energy, enthusiasm, time and effort. Not equally but let's meet in the middle. Where I fall short , he will compensate and vice-versa.
Values vs Feelings. This is a challenge for me, feelings have always come first as I look back. At this point in my life, mid 40s, and choosing to be single and reflect on my own history, I’m ready to see what comes next with this insight as the motivation.
wow! ive always seen that notion of fix yourself before getting into relationships and thats subconsciously something ive been trying to do !! but she’s so correct when she says relationships expand our awareness !
Yes, do we really believe that all the people in succesful relationships have all spent years "fixing themselves" like hermits in a cave? No. Plus, when are we "fixed" exactly? How perfect does one have to be to be "allowed" to pursue a relationship? Always do your best and try to learn of course.
When they mentioned the idea of "self improvement " can lead to dissatisfaction in ones self. I always thought my drive to improve myself would eventually crush my feelings of inadequacy. I never thought that it could be the reason for them.
40 still single and most of the time I m very happy with myself but sometimes I do feel too lonely or vulnerable. This is completely normal. It’s just a bad day and not a bad life!!!
People over think this crap. The best way to get the relationship you want is to let it be known what you want need and expect from your partner no matter how selfish or shallow it may appear to others. If you can be that open and honest from the get go the other person is knowing what your expectations and needs are. This saves a lot of wasted time with the wrong person just because your too chicken to speak up . If you do this and they still want you and you want them it’s much easier . Don’t over think it just grow a pair and be honest even if it chases the other person off.
Clearly you didn't listen to her. Because you completely missed the point. And she's speaking again exactly what you said. People who are so self-involved that it's about their needs all the time..... Selfish and self-centered.
I’m in complete agreement with you. I did “the assumption “ route in my marriage and all hell broke loose ended up in divorce. Never assumed the person in relationship with you will automatically know what you’re thinking or wa😢no matter how many years you are together.
@@candicabral3767that's not solely what she said or what I took from it. You still need to share who you are your wants and needs. You can't just give yourself over completely in service to them otherwise you are just a people pleaser/door mat. It's a balance between your needs and theirs and not to overindulge with the ego.
The only problem with this is that people change over time. When you are young you have different needs than you do as you age. You have to renegotiate every 7-10 years. Thats what i have found and i am 70. Was married once for over 37 years.
I cannot even count how many times I was nodding along in agreement with what she said..! I love her mind and how easily she articulates her observations and experience concerning human connection.
Love yourself, start within and love outside of you will come.... doesn't matter if that is a romantic relationship or not....live in the flow of life, and things will happen naturally....no need to force or pursue anything
O yes! Take accountability for your decisions and actions in any given situation. Stop looking too much at the other person's flaws and focus on how you do not facilitate people in hurting you. You are your problem, deal with you. Your response matters more.
Instead of "self self self" switch that into serving. The fulfillment is so much greater! Be of service. Help a co worker just because you can. Call a friend to say hello. Be kind to others when completing errands. Express gratitude.
From a man who is searching for a woman to have a meaningful online relationship with a woman, and feel I have so much to offer, I thank you for waking me up a bit and reminding me of what is central.
We need what you describe SO MUCH in the current ALIENATED culture that's emerged with cell phones/internet. Thank you for saying it & saying it so well.
As someone who comes from a third world country I can certainly say I prefer the first world attitude. The village has never accepted me so to say and by finding and loving myself I've been happy for the first time. By cutting out toxic people I've cut of my misery. Might be different for everyone
Yes its so true!! Life is unfortunately about death and lost. As a nurse losing my patients was the hardest pain I ever experienced during Covid!! I had to stop blaming myself for not being able to save them!! Religion teaches you wisdom and how to cope with life. Free will is the decision to believe it!! Braveheart until the end!! Faith , hope , and charity but above all this the most important virtue is Love!!
Great interview! A lot to mull over! The part that spoke to me was that one cannot fix themselves and then go have a great relationship--one evolves and changes and grows IN the relationship! I have felt condemnation for years for going into marriage without "fixing" myself first. It turns out that I have been doing things right, the only way I knew how, really... It feels good to know that I'm on the right track. Thank you, Lewis! Thank you, Esther! Best regards from Ukraine!
The main thing that has changed is women just are not tolerating as much. Women were highly "regulated" not relationships. We were taught that men were not as relationally adept and that we had to carry the relationship load if we wanted a family. Men were taught to "purchase" the relationship because they lacked relationship skills. Now that women are bread winners they are pushing men to be more faithful, loving, compassionate and communicative. Men are slow learning these things and women are moving on. Women aren't lonely. We are relationship builders. Like men collect sex partners to boost ego, women build relationships with their children, coworkers, family, organizations, and more. Since our need to connect is way beyond sex, we are super relationship builders. So if we don't marry, we are not alone. We have community without having to deal with the unbridled passions of men. When men evolve to want real relationships, women will be inspired to stay with them. Women are NOT carrying relationships anymore. Women can't be "purchased" anymore. Men have to become emotionally evolved. Women are thriving without the abuse, emotional neglect and sex centered pseudo relationships.
Hello Lewis, Thank you for this interview to Esther Perel. Please I have two questions: 1. When she mention an article on her blog about her counter opinion on "taking care on yourself first" "You learn to love yourself in the context of your relationship with others", What is the name of the article?. 2. What book would you recoment for learning the frame of a healthy relationship 101? for someone with no reference from parents or previous relationship. Thanks
Don't agree. I am 41 and have a pattern of toxicity. Each time I open my heart I got betrayed. The relationship I built with myself is peaceful and fun. I am done with men.
@@jillmariaplatteaux6083 I'm finding contradictions in what you're saying. If you're in a loving relationship with yourself then you'll be manifesting love. If you attract toxicity then maybe there's work to be done? Also, you seem to have come here to watch a video entitled 'How to find the perfect relationship' but saying you're fine on your own and that you're done with men. Whatever the case, sending you love.
@@mel7077 working on yourself is a lifetime process isn't it. Not many who are in a long commited relationship needed to do this. If one does not want to make adjustments than it's over. Many single do not even do introspection. For how long I need to 'work' on myself? I did so many things already.. people nowadays don't settle anymore or fight for a relationship. They betray or are commitment phobic or have mama or papa issues. Is there any relationship that goes well? You are single too I guess? Why? I now going to change some things as well and adjust my principles too so I just can be free, happy and being able to let my body enjoy of physical attraction instead of always wanting a relationship with someone I barely know. Looking forward to hear your story. Blessings 😘
I have just started listening her thoughts about relationships and stuff and I am hooked into her vids in a good way of course. What a brilliant person she is!
I thought she was very clear and specific about her observations of the new changes in marriage life, family life , love and dating . She had great info.
I’ve always felt this. I saw the change in society from my parents and grandparent’s generation to mine and deeply felt how it effected my life but couldn’t fix it.
Hi Ester and Lewis, How good to look at relationships in this way. In the past and certain cultures, there were more rules, true, but many people were very unhappy and struggled in them, they were suppressed by the rules of their culture. Now, we in the West, have fewer rules, more money, we have more opportunities, so more to choose from. We can be whatever we want to be, within some limits. So we have to discover what we want to be. We are more free. So this will take time to work out.
I think the opposite, rules are crucial. If your argument is valid, why are most women in western cultures on antidepressants? You are living your life the way you want it, pick your partner from anywhere in the world,you don't have to get married, you don't have to have kids, travel etc. and still no happiness.
my parents are born in the 40s and most, 90% of their best friends, couples, who they are friends with since their school and study times, are very very happy couples. what we would call soutmates. perfect matches, full of love for one another, totally affecionate perfect matches. thex are now all in their late 70s and early 80s
We lost community and want one person to fulfill all the needs that once a whole community fulfilled. That's about the point about the problem of relationships today.
Wonderfully honest . So insightful . I’m old enough to recall how things have changed Exactly our expectations are so much higher . We are such a “Me” society
I am looking to build a meaningful relationship with a woman online - to give and experience mutual joy, support, and love to a person who will become deeply important. Love is not something you plan, and each relationship evolves in its own way, but I am open to love even if it is through the limitations of Zoom/Whatsapp, email, etc. (I am a man concluding my fifth decade and have a lot to offer someone who is searching too.) Any recommendations and words of wisdom will be so valued. Thank you!
Calibrating Expectations is not lowering your value but rather giving love and mercy and gratitude to a mate…. Realizing to treasure the bond together and continue in kindness. I find males quickly fall in love with me but lack an ability to truly love…. Selfless love or realistic love
This seems so true, yet depressing. I've sabotaged or just quit relationships that might have been perfectly fine 100 years ago due to (perhaps) too high expectations, love and romance narratives, and a lack of clear guidance and rules on what's expected from both sides. Indeed for the longest time most of this was pretty regulated and clear and now since a few decades it's like "well, you can all figure it out for yourselves, there's no rules anymore". Well thanks, that's just great. My parents never taught me anything about relationships, my dad never taught me anything about being a man, and they surely never taught by example how to have a loving stable relationship. I know they were people of their time too. They were the transition between the rules-based that was still religious, and our current society without rules, norms or religion. Can't blame them really, but it does kinda suck for millenials and younger generations.
I would love to see Esther Perel and Alison A. Armstrong in an interview together! Both of their perspectives together would be quite the informative and healing discussion!
Most wounds are relational :) so most wounds and traumas get fixed inside relationships because they were created inside relationships/family in your childhood
I just love Esther Perel, she is so up to date with the ways of societal relationship, in ore of her advice every time. And Lowes Howes thank you, you intelligent, charismatic, hottie! for bringing this to us 🙏😍 Ready for my life love story ❤
I dont want a perfect relationship . If ever I end up with someone again We need to be on the same page meaning we have to have some basic morals and values similar to each other to make things work in a relationship. If you are with someone who has different values and morals it will be hard to build a relationship with that person.
If every couple in the world fully understood her advice and followed this planet earth would be an heaven!! So My No.1 question to her . How do we bring this change educating all to this enlightenment??
Everything she’s saying about how we ask ourselves a lot of questions just reminds me how much I love and respect our Western way of life. So much room for improvement and actual real intimacy that generations of people had not had a chance at, and still don’t in some places in the world.
and yet we're lonelier and more depressed than ever, not even having enough children to keep our society functioning. This is really not good. What is "real intimacy"? "Improvement" towards what? These are pretty arbitrary concepts.
@@snakedogman I get your perspective too, the economic climate definitely isn't good and it seems more and more like politicians are trying to get populations to grow for cheapest possible. Whoever is making these mistakes is trading culture and social cohesion for something like raw material for the work force. I am not saying that all politicians are bad (just like nobody else in any position is absolutely good or absolutely bad according to their work field and vocation), but my own personal feeling is that some are too removed from reality and too distracted by money. Wealth definitely leads us to self actualization and safety, but the fact that we don't have emotional education in schools and and no prospect of buying a house (in richer countries) is contributing to unhappiness. I think generations before felt lonely too and have seen it first hand, it's probably just the aloneness that is new and the fact that it is not taboo to talk about it anymore (it's not a small community offence anymore to admit you don't like grandma or your neighbor at all). Growth pains? Unhappiness is as old as the Earth itself.
When I saw you writing down that stuff I knew damn well I need to watch this more than once and remember this. Thank you again and your guest was amazing!!! I love those questions, may have changed my love and life course forever🎇🎉
“You can’t ask one person to give you what the village can give you”.... that hit real hard
That hit too but then again if you go to the village it's frowned upon these days. We're almost pigeon hold into this notion of one person needs to do it all.
@@Golfhippy10 yeah and that's BS, 99% of human history people didn't do it all or alone especially because they would probably die
😂😂👍🏻
@Blue Bee you just have to suspend critical thinking. Magic underwear.
And sadly many of us didn't know for most of our lives that we can not single handedly give what a community should be giving.😥😥✊🏽✊🏽🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
She crushed most of the modern psychological theories about relationships. No wonder we are lonelier than ever because we are so self focused. I just love Esther
🧡
Me me me me syndrome taught by University psychologists
and from what generation might this be a result?
IF it was all so great 'back in the day', then why it was not succesfully passed down to next generations?
The 'me me me' might be a result of not passing the right information down to them
We wanted to make sure our kids did not go thru the same misery we did. We overdid it. for example...helicopter parents.
@@sanderschatEnvironment changes, things happen, society evolves. There's no guarantee that lessons from the past will be transferred to the next generation. In the past 100 years, the dawn of science and the concurrent wane of religion could hardly be overstated in their effect on society.
*“You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending”*
I like your comments
@@lucydelpilar7289 I appreciate that!
Sounds good
Good point.
Has she said how already?
Too much choice = difficulty to commit.
Too high expectations = not living in reality (ie. try having realistic expectations).
Too focused on our selves (and us wanting love, instead of giving love) = missing/ignoring/not seeing/not loving others.
Having lost our tribe/community = bad.
Sadly this sounds too much like my life.
@@snakedogman Me too
"You learn to love yourself in the context of your relationship with others". 🔥
Thank you for underlining it! I find it so true, l need the other to get to know myself, as the "Ubuntu" philosophy says: l need you so that l can be me! 🌸🌸🌸
Yuyyyy
Care to explain by what you understand from this?
@@souffled she sounds like a weak person. Depending on others for her happiness makes her a burden to others in my eyes. That’s what I got from it.
jvkbkkvooj jjjojojojojooo0jo9ojkok
Love story versus life story has saved me this year. Seriously. You can love very many people in different ways, but finding someone to do life with was the mindset shift I needed
This woman's knowledge and wisdom on relationships is beyond our years.
Can u tell me what book Ester wrote I must have missed it on previous podcasts my horses have been giving birth n my assistance has been needed a bit so missed some thank you I have become a big fan / FOLLOWER B SAFE
Ｔhe perfect relationship is the one you have with yourself and the one you have with your bank account.
Single and happy with a lot of money is far better than any relationship with anyone.
All of these talks are pure BS propaganda. I live happily alone, in a big house with my pets, my beautiful garden in a wonderful area. The interior of my house is my design and my design alone, i never argue with anyone in my house because i don't disagree with myself. When i want to go out for drinks with friends, or on holiday, there is no need to negotiate anything, i go wherever i want whenever i want and come back whenever i do see fit. Children are costly and often turn out to be perfect jerks and make you age prematurely with all the stress they cause, so i don't need those. And even if i wanted kids i can easily adopt them because. Partner are pretty much the adult version of children except they come with baggage and you have to deal with them so you have to compromise and i don't see why i should compromise with anyone about how i choose to live, just for a bit of companionship or for sex. Sex is super easy to find and companionship is provided by friends whom you do not have to take care of.
There is really no better and more fulfilling relationship than the one you have with yourself and the one you have with a full bank account because you worked hard to get a good job which allows you to live comfortably.
People are often scared to be alone because they see solitude as negative. often because they do not have a lot of money. When you have money you are never lonely. If i feel down i get the best pet sitter in the book even for 500 dollars a day and I jump on a flight to Hawai or the south of France or Japan and i have a blast for a couple of weeks and then i am back home happy and fuelled to face whatever situation comes to me. I don't need a partner to take care of me if i am sick, that's why we have doctors and hospitals and house help, and i don't need kids to take care of me in my old age, that7s why we also have home help and doctors, and in the worst case scenario a retirement house in the mountains of switzerland.
People want companionship because they are not rich enough to enjoy life with little money and lack of education or to face social pressure which stigmatizes singles. When i get out of Cartier or Gucci with a new wardrobe and drop my stuff at a hotel to meet friends at a nice restaurant to enjoy a completely free and stressfree night out, and on the way i meet a woman dressed by gap pushing a baby in a stroller with two more kids on the side looking exhausted, asking her husband over the phone to pick up the dry cleaning or get a pizza because she doesn't have the time or energy to cook or telling her kids that they can't have what they want for christmas, i don't feel like i am the one who should feel bad being single ! It validates me in the idea that i made the right decision by choosing ME .
It’s not beyond our years its rooted in our ancient order of family and community.
Nothing new. Just some are more perceptive than others.
"You learn to love yourself in the context of your relationships with others" - damn. That explains why I never seemed to love myself when every guru or friend told me to. That I need to like myself first before someone else likes me.
We do not talk to each other in our family that much on the deeper level. And recently, I spoke to my older sister for about 2 hours. And at the end, or even day later, I felt like I am pretty cool person. I listened to her, provided some feedback, thoughts, I supported her. We had a good discussion on many things. Especially around family and relationships. So, I think this is the golden sentence that I quoted above. How can you love yourself when you have shallow relationships and therefore you the reflection others provide to you by interacting with you is not there? You only see the surface. How you look, what you say, maybe how you say it. Then you get a feeling that "noone understands me".
I have honestly learned so much about myself based on my relationships with others.
Same
Excellent point! Me too!
Aspects of yourself you never imagined you had emerge in the context of relationships. As such, relationships provide an excellent opportunity for learning and growth...and the complete opposite. We choose which.
You need to know who you are Regardless of what people think about you.
Doing new things is so true. I tried to emphasize to my ex gf that it's ok to live outside her box..or our box, and just have fun..'wing it'. And when sge did, while hesitant she loved it. But then always fell back into that box.
Sadist thing was she was so hurt from her ex husband she just could not open up enough to let me fully inside. And I needed to see her like that, as I'm always open and inviting.
I'm sad she was/is so hurt still from her ex, as she does not want that hurt again.
And she knew I'd never hurt her, but you can't just throw away hurt, you need time to heal.
So I gave her time to heal, and I love her still..immensely, but she must heal before she can let anyone in, without fear of being hurt.
I miss her..love her, and pray she finds inner peace.
🙏🧡
Praying for your sould and hers, buddy
Your story is so very close to mine. I still miss and pray for her too. Maybe something can work out... Someday
If you Love Her you will wait for Her and give her the time she needs to Heal and if you do that you will have a Great Relationship. Wait for Her if you Truly Love Her.❤
@@sheriwilliams8942I did and I texted her a Happy Birthday in August and she thanked me for remembering. But on my Birthday in Sept she did not send a text or on Thanksgiving or the Holidays. I never texted her since August as I'm thinking she's just not interested or too stubborn to admit she wants to try again.
I've been dating since we broke up, and had two short term relationships, but both never had that spark, or even close to it.
I try to not think about it, but I do miss the times we had together. I never had that deep of a bond before in life, even in marriage.
She left off saying she knows we will fall right back madly in love quickly, but is too scared to have and lose it, again. Last she said was she thinks about me at times, but can't risk losing that again.
I'll give her all the time but while I've been trying to move on, I can't get reach that bonding we had.
And she's not even my type, but that connection was real and I miss it badly..still.
It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you.
Awe 💝💝💝
I'll catch you. Your probably my soulmate
We don't really fall in Love. We walk together in IT (& sometimes we Cha Cha)😂
You need to go for grooming
that's why we "rise in love"
She described our parents generation versus ours very accurately. But i don’t believe the previous generation were more happy than us. I saw my parents fight so often and my mother felt so depressed that I wished she had quit my father. They are now 72 and 74 and still together. I never see my parents really had a connection but they learn to live together because they think it’s their duty to keep the family together. Our generation are more foregiving for ourselves and we believe we are worth to have happiness.
Agreed. She also seems to set the conversation within the "traditional" family set up.
Ditto. I would describe my parents similar to yours. They have been married for 61 years. Yet, there is little connection or closeness. Kind of like a roommate situation.
Esther this woman knows what she’s talking about.
I enjoy listening to her so much wisdom experience well spoken straight to the point,Respectable, professional And much much much more. Thank you for posting
I have never heard a human being spawn so much knowledge that completely makes sense, in so little time. Straight to the point. I think i needed to watch hours with other people to learn what she just taught me.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Get out more.
She's the difference between someone who is competent in their profession and who knows what they are talking about. And is educated. Another league.
She’s a being from another more developed planet sent here to help us
I think so!!!
What? 😂🤣😂🤣
Simply from the Old World where they remember traditional values. "That's what we do."
Totally
The most accurate comment I've ever come across on YT
I always love to hear he speak. She is deeply fascinating. He insight is impeccable and her vocabulary and language is inspiring.. She seems to have so much insight, so many answers without being overbearing, boring and trite.
This woman is so wise..
Handle the disappointments...
oh my, a man being so interested and invested and excited to his conversation partner is sooo attractive. i just decided i like Lewis hehe
In a time where we are drawning in so much self-improvement bull sh__, she is making a lot of sense, Thank you!
Every minute of this interview is loaded with gems. Thank you, Esther. I needed this.
Thank you so much for your feedback 🙂
This woman is so wise, I could listen to her forever. taking all the chaos and explaining it so simply
I think, to sum up, she is saying it's *not what you get- it's what you give.* That will create your best relationship.
Relationships help you understand who you are. How true! And we need so many different kinds of relationships.
There is such a ring of truth in her explanations about the dynamics of relationships. Thank you Ester for putting it all into perspective for us!!!
Esther Perel has got it down. She really understands what is going on in people's heads when it comes to relating. Excellent! There is nothing like truth.
🧡
This is all so eye opening, she doesn't really say anything new but how she describes it and explains to us is pure gold. Thank you for this🙏
You're welcome,thank you for being here 🧡
It’s not about high expectations, most people esp those who have done some self introspection don’t expect their partner to be everything. They expect the same effort and sincerity that they give. Who these days is ready to commit, communicate and operate on a conscious level.
Yes, I want the same energy, enthusiasm, time and effort. Not equally but let's meet in the middle. Where I fall short , he will compensate and vice-versa.
@@aminaadam3617 thats still expectations...
So true
Values vs Feelings. This is a challenge for me, feelings have always come first as I look back.
At this point in my life, mid 40s, and choosing to be single and reflect on my own history, I’m ready to see what comes next with this insight as the motivation.
wow! ive always seen that notion of fix yourself before getting into relationships and thats subconsciously something ive been trying to do !! but she’s so correct when she says relationships expand our awareness !
Yes, do we really believe that all the people in succesful relationships have all spent years "fixing themselves" like hermits in a cave? No. Plus, when are we "fixed" exactly? How perfect does one have to be to be "allowed" to pursue a relationship? Always do your best and try to learn of course.
Just absolutely love her. Ps like how genuine he is, he is taking notes, bless.
When they mentioned the idea of "self improvement " can lead to dissatisfaction in ones self. I always thought my drive to improve myself would eventually crush my feelings of inadequacy. I never thought that it could be the reason for them.
Love this!
she holds such deep wisdom it's remarkable..
40 still single and most of the time I m very happy with myself but sometimes I do feel too lonely or vulnerable. This is completely normal. It’s just a bad day and not a bad life!!!
"Let those who have ears hear."
Thanks for the words of wisdom. Salute!
She speaks pure gold
This interview pops up in my feed every now and then. I watch it every time.
People over think this crap. The best way to get the relationship you want is to let it be known what you want need and expect from your partner no matter how selfish or shallow it may appear to others. If you can be that open and honest from the get go the other person is knowing what your expectations and needs are. This saves a lot of wasted time with the wrong person just because your too chicken to speak up . If you do this and they still want you and you want them it’s much easier . Don’t over think it just grow a pair and be honest even if it chases the other person off.
Clearly you didn't listen to her. Because you completely missed the point. And she's speaking again exactly what you said.
People who are so self-involved that it's about their needs all the time..... Selfish and self-centered.
I’m in complete agreement with you. I did “the assumption “ route in my marriage and all hell broke loose ended up in divorce. Never assumed the person in relationship with you will automatically know what you’re thinking or wa😢no matter how many years you are together.
@@candicabral3767that's not solely what she said or what I took from it. You still need to share who you are your wants and needs. You can't just give yourself over completely in service to them otherwise you are just a people pleaser/door mat. It's a balance between your needs and theirs and not to overindulge with the ego.
@@zinedinezidane4771 listen again.
The only problem with this is that people change over time. When you are young you have different needs than you do as you age. You have to renegotiate every 7-10 years. Thats what i have found and i am 70. Was married once for over 37 years.
I cannot even count how many times I was nodding along in agreement with what she said..! I love her mind and how easily she articulates her observations and experience concerning human connection.
Esther giving us liquid gold of wisdom about relationships from a higher dimension.
I love her! ❤
Glad you enjoyed it! Means a lot!!!
13:46-15:52
Diversify your expectations
My great mentor in the field of counseling. Her book, “Mating in Captivity “ is a must read.
Love yourself, start within and love outside of you will come.... doesn't matter if that is a romantic relationship or not....live in the flow of life, and things will happen naturally....no need to force or pursue anything
O yes! Take accountability for your decisions and actions in any given situation. Stop looking too much at the other person's flaws and focus on how you do not facilitate people in hurting you. You are your problem, deal with you. Your response matters more.
I think the world of Esther Perel. I love her view on things. So inspirational for a Psycologist like me.
Instead of "self self self" switch that into serving. The fulfillment is so much greater! Be of service. Help a co worker just because you can. Call a friend to say hello. Be kind to others when completing errands. Express gratitude.
From a man who is searching for a woman to have a meaningful online relationship with a woman, and feel I have so much to offer, I thank you for waking me up a bit and reminding me of what is central.
@@g.1260
You only want online relationship and not a real life relationship? Can you explain why?
We need what you describe SO MUCH in the current ALIENATED culture that's emerged with cell phones/internet. Thank you for saying it & saying it so well.
Sometimes you have to lower your expectations at times with other people. Makes life a little easier. Good to have high expectations for yourself!
👍
This lady has opened my eyes to the essence and dynamics of unrealistic expectations👏✊🏽✊🏽🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
But you must have Expectations. 😊
esther is a sage! and just an incredible speaker and teacher. always love to hear her speak!!
🙌
As someone who comes from a third world country I can certainly say I prefer the first world attitude. The village has never accepted me so to say and by finding and loving myself I've been happy for the first time. By cutting out toxic people I've cut of my misery. Might be different for everyone
Same
one of the best aspects of the video is he taking notes so brav of the important points. such a good boy!
Thanks for being here! 🧡
You learn to love yourself in the context of relationships with others
I completely agree. You do have to be in relationships to know who you are. I’m looking for a life story.
Yes its so true!! Life is unfortunately about death and lost. As a nurse losing my patients was the hardest pain I ever experienced during Covid!! I had to stop blaming myself for not being able to save them!! Religion teaches you wisdom and how to cope with life. Free will is the decision to believe it!! Braveheart until the end!! Faith , hope , and charity but above all this the most important virtue is Love!!
I find very good that people now days make questions. In the past people used to stay on bad and abusive relationships
He actually is listening 👌 that’s nice❤
Great interview! A lot to mull over! The part that spoke to me was that one cannot fix themselves and then go have a great relationship--one evolves and changes and grows IN the relationship! I have felt condemnation for years for going into marriage without "fixing" myself first. It turns out that I have been doing things right, the only way I knew how, really... It feels good to know that I'm on the right track. Thank you, Lewis! Thank you, Esther! Best regards from Ukraine!
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
The main thing that has changed is women just are not tolerating as much. Women were highly "regulated" not relationships. We were taught that men were not as relationally adept and that we had to carry the relationship load if we wanted a family. Men were taught to "purchase" the relationship because they lacked relationship skills. Now that women are bread winners they are pushing men to be more faithful, loving, compassionate and communicative. Men are slow learning these things and women are moving on. Women aren't lonely. We are relationship builders. Like men collect sex partners to boost ego, women build relationships with their children, coworkers, family, organizations, and more. Since our need to connect is way beyond sex, we are super relationship builders. So if we don't marry, we are not alone. We have community without having to deal with the unbridled passions of men. When men evolve to want real relationships, women will be inspired to stay with them. Women are NOT carrying relationships anymore. Women can't be "purchased" anymore. Men have to become emotionally evolved. Women are thriving without the abuse, emotional neglect and sex centered pseudo relationships.
Yes yes yes!!
100% they say we're weaker sex. We're adaptable powerhouses.
Yes, all for this!!! Women have evolved so much, a lot of men have been left behind
Hello Lewis, Thank you for this interview to Esther Perel. Please I have two questions: 1. When she mention an article on her blog about her counter opinion on "taking care on yourself first" "You learn to love yourself in the context of your relationship with others", What is the name of the article?. 2. What book would you recoment for learning the frame of a healthy relationship 101? for someone with no reference from parents or previous relationship. Thanks
Absolutely love Esther! You can't become a better version of yourself while being alone. We grow within relationships.
Don't agree. I am 41 and have a pattern of toxicity. Each time I open my heart I got betrayed. The relationship I built with myself is peaceful and fun. I am done with men.
@@jillmariaplatteaux6083 I'm finding contradictions in what you're saying. If you're in a loving relationship with yourself then you'll be manifesting love. If you attract toxicity then maybe there's work to be done? Also, you seem to have come here to watch a video entitled 'How to find the perfect relationship' but saying you're fine on your own and that you're done with men. Whatever the case, sending you love.
@@mel7077 working on yourself is a lifetime process isn't it. Not many who are in a long commited relationship needed to do this. If one does not want to make adjustments than it's over. Many single do not even do introspection. For how long I need to 'work' on myself? I did so many things already.. people nowadays don't settle anymore or fight for a relationship. They betray or are commitment phobic or have mama or papa issues.
Is there any relationship that goes well? You are single too I guess? Why? I now going to change some things as well and adjust my principles too so I just can be free, happy and being able to let my body enjoy of physical attraction instead of always wanting a relationship with someone I barely know.
Looking forward to hear your story. Blessings 😘
Totally agree. Definitely grew the most while married
The difficulty is in finding someone to have a relationship with.
She have a brilliant mindset, thanks for this video
Love is NOT enough for a solid relationship
I have just started listening her thoughts about relationships and stuff and I am hooked into her vids in a good way of course. What a brilliant person she is!
Appreciate you for listening! 🧡
More vids with her like this please! Greetings from Hungary!
Hope one day she will visit my country to educate people
❤
I thought she was very clear and specific about her observations of the new changes in marriage life, family life , love and dating . She had great info.
I’ve always felt this. I saw the change in society from my parents and grandparent’s generation to mine and deeply felt how it effected my life but couldn’t fix it.
God, she's SO GOOD! Thanks for having Esther on the show Lewis. I'm headed over now to watch the full interview.
Yes!! The BEST! My role model!
i love listening to this lady.....
🧡
Hi Ester and Lewis,
How good to look at relationships in this way. In the past and certain cultures, there were more rules, true, but many people were very unhappy and struggled in them, they were suppressed by the rules of their culture.
Now, we in the West, have fewer rules, more money, we have more opportunities, so more to choose from. We can be whatever we want to be, within some limits. So we have to discover what we want to be. We are more free. So this will take time to work out.
I think the opposite, rules are crucial. If your argument is valid, why are most women in western cultures on antidepressants? You are living your life the way you want it, pick your partner from anywhere in the world,you don't have to get married, you don't have to have kids, travel etc. and still no happiness.
She's so smart! Also, I love her jewelry.
🧡
my parents are born in the 40s and most, 90% of their best friends, couples, who they are friends with since their school and study times, are very very happy couples. what we would call soutmates. perfect matches, full of love for one another, totally affecionate perfect matches. thex are now all in their late 70s and early 80s
Esther is so awesome! What she´s saying, makes so much sense, that I just want to learn it by heart....
We lost community and want one person to fulfill all the needs that once a whole community fulfilled. That's about the point about the problem of relationships today.
Every sentence out of her mouth is gold.
Wonderfully honest . So insightful . I’m old enough to recall how things have changed
Exactly our expectations are so much higher .
We are such a “Me” society
I am looking to build a meaningful relationship with a woman online - to give and experience mutual joy, support, and love to a person who will become deeply important. Love is not something you plan, and each relationship evolves in its own way, but I am open to love even if it is through the limitations of Zoom/Whatsapp, email, etc. (I am a man concluding my fifth decade and have a lot to offer someone who is searching too.) Any recommendations and words of wisdom will be so valued. Thank you!
The first few mins spot on! Agree but times are always changing
Calibrating Expectations is not lowering your value but rather giving love and mercy and gratitude to a mate…. Realizing to treasure the bond together and continue in kindness.
I find males quickly fall in love with me but lack an ability to truly love…. Selfless love or realistic love
Wow this makes so much sense! I am so happy I clicked on this. Brilliant.
Means a lot!!!
amazing! she is so smart, fast thinker and mindful!
This seems so true, yet depressing. I've sabotaged or just quit relationships that might have been perfectly fine 100 years ago due to (perhaps) too high expectations, love and romance narratives, and a lack of clear guidance and rules on what's expected from both sides. Indeed for the longest time most of this was pretty regulated and clear and now since a few decades it's like "well, you can all figure it out for yourselves, there's no rules anymore". Well thanks, that's just great. My parents never taught me anything about relationships, my dad never taught me anything about being a man, and they surely never taught by example how to have a loving stable relationship. I know they were people of their time too. They were the transition between the rules-based that was still religious, and our current society without rules, norms or religion. Can't blame them really, but it does kinda suck for millenials and younger generations.
I would love to see Esther Perel and Alison A. Armstrong in an interview together! Both of their perspectives together would be quite the informative and healing discussion!
Such a great speaker
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to check out the interview! So glad you enjoyed it🧡
Most wounds are relational :) so most wounds and traumas get fixed inside relationships because they were created inside relationships/family in your childhood
great listener and interviewer 👏
People don't want to work and put effort in building a relationship because we have fear of getting hurt.
It's beautiful listening to this, traditional values, how things have changed so much
🧡
I just love Esther Perel, she is so up to date with the ways of societal relationship, in ore of her advice every time. And Lowes Howes thank you, you intelligent, charismatic, hottie! for bringing this to us 🙏😍
Ready for my life love story ❤
She's just so fantastic, always a pleasure to hear Esther.
This brought me such HIGH VALUE. Thank you so much, Esther and Lewis. Great interview!
Wow what a breath of fresh air, love listening to this woman.
Thanks for being here!
Love her knowledge and also her jewelry ❤
this woman is fantastic, so insightful .... also great questions Lewis
Do I want a Love story or a Life story ?
How do I want to show in my relationships ?
Expectations - one individual versus a community.
goldmine.
I dont want a perfect relationship . If ever I end up with someone again We need to be on the same page meaning we have to have some basic morals and values similar to each other to make things work in a relationship. If you are with someone who has different values and morals it will be hard to build a relationship with that person.
Yeah, it's so important that you have the same mindset and share the same dreams. 'Coz if not, you'll fall out of love in the long run.
Shared values, morals and shared culture/history is vital. These are the basics for any relationship and even there may be problems.
Excellent
Jacqueline.degruyter@telenet.be l wonde to
@@risapakiding5388 it is important iwaswhide somee bodyand it moest be hime
Brilliant discussion, thank you.
You're welcome. Appreciate you for watching! 🧡
2:00 5:00 6:10 6:50 9:00 10:50
13:50 doing new things with your partner 16:00 17:00 18:00
Self love has destroyed relationships
If every couple in the world fully understood her advice and followed this planet earth would be an heaven!! So My No.1 question to her . How do we bring this change educating all to this enlightenment??
What a reliable source to heal and be better stronger and happier
Everything she’s saying about how we ask ourselves a lot of questions just reminds me how much I love and respect our Western way of life. So much room for improvement and actual real intimacy that generations of people had not had a chance at, and still don’t in some places in the world.
and yet we're lonelier and more depressed than ever, not even having enough children to keep our society functioning. This is really not good. What is "real intimacy"? "Improvement" towards what? These are pretty arbitrary concepts.
@@snakedogman I get your perspective too, the economic climate definitely isn't good and it seems more and more like politicians are trying to get populations to grow for cheapest possible. Whoever is making these mistakes is trading culture and social cohesion for something like raw material for the work force. I am not saying that all politicians are bad (just like nobody else in any position is absolutely good or absolutely bad according to their work field and vocation), but my own personal feeling is that some are too removed from reality and too distracted by money.
Wealth definitely leads us to self actualization and safety, but the fact that we don't have emotional education in schools and and no prospect of buying a house (in richer countries) is contributing to unhappiness. I think generations before felt lonely too and have seen it first hand, it's probably just the aloneness that is new and the fact that it is not taboo to talk about it anymore (it's not a small community offence anymore to admit you don't like grandma or your neighbor at all).
Growth pains? Unhappiness is as old as the Earth itself.
Phenomenal woman! Hits it home for me every single time. Thank you Esther!! Thank you Lewis!
You're welcome,thank you for tuning in 🧡
When I saw you writing down that stuff I knew damn well I need to watch this more than once and remember this. Thank you again and your guest was amazing!!! I love those questions, may have changed my love and life course forever🎇🎉