Proper Active Listening

This video describes the proper way to use "I" statements and "you" statements in active listening. For more information, visit dougnoll.com
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[@DouglasNollPeacemaker]

What re your thoughts on the use of "I" vs. "you" statements in reflective listening?

[@tracyteichman1603]

Doug, I wonder if you could clarify the concept of dependence vs. independence vs. interdependence as it relates to need fulfillment. I have a very real need for emotional intimacy, which I cannot satisfy independently.

[@DouglasNollPeacemaker]

Hi Tracy, Thanks for your excellent question. The quick answer is that you can only create emotional intimacy with another to the extent that you are emotionally intimate with yourself. In practical terms, this means that the more emotionally self-aware, emotionally open, emotionally authenticate, and compassionate you are with yourself, the more you will experience emotional intimacy with another. If you seek more emotional intimacy externally than you are giving yourself, you will be unsatisfied and unhappy. Gordon and Rosenberg did not understand this concept back in the 20th century. Hence, they propagated human needs theory. Today, as I describe in this video, human needs theory is not the root cause of conflict or unhappiness. There are many root causes, one of which is not being emotionally competent.

[@melissadavis5954]

I asked my 10 year old daughter how she would prefer I respond to her when she is frustrated and acting out either "It sounds like you are frustrated" or "You are frustrated". She said she would prefer "It sounds like you are frustrated" because saying "You are frustrated" or "You are angry" is assuming and maybe I am wrong about how she is feeling. Can you explain a little bit more how "It sounds like..." is not the correct way? Does it depend on who you are communicating with or the situation? What about asking them how they feel? I'm new to all this.

[@DouglasNollPeacemaker]

Hi Melissa. Great question. I tell my students to experiment with "I" vs. "You" statements when you are reflecting emotions. Asking your daughter which she would prefer is not a good test because you are not really in the practice. You will find, I think, that using a "You" statement when reflecting emotions is much more effective. Also, you should not worry about being wrong about the emotion. The listener will correct you without being insulted and will actually be happy you are listening. You simply reflect back the corrected emotion. Try labeling one of your daughter's positive emotions with a simple "You" statement like this: "You're happy today." Observe how she responds. Thanks for commenting here. Check out my website dougnoll.com to learn more.