Naomi Judd felt like an "Imposter" I also heard recently another famous talented artist say they felt like an imposter, like someone was going to "find them out to be FAKE".
I think the worst part of this all is, as a child you are naïve. You’re at the mercy of your caregivers, who you would hope would be telling the truth about you. Then you start to believe was the narcissist says. It’s only when you’re older you realise what’s happened and how you had so much potential. All you needed was someone to love, support, encourage and guide you. Which is what all children should have. Also the realisation of knowing that the narcissist knew exactly what they were doing. They purposely sabotaged you. They couldn’t stand to see you succeed because it made them feel worse about themselves. Any parents or older siblings who do this to young children deserve to go to hell.
Exactly! Children don't have any self esteem beside of coming from validation of their peers, parents, etc. That's why young people try so hard to be liked and accepted. And it's pretty normal - you don't have enough experience to estimate yourself objectively. I was naive like that till my early 20'. I've thought the more I try, the better I do at education, etc. - The more I will be liked by my family. But the opposite happened. The better I looked, the more "succes" I had, both friends and family pushed me aside. I was so naive and innocent, I couldn't see their envy - especially from relatives. I've thought they ignore me cause I am so small and irrelevant. But now I know, they never ignored me, they observed me with their hateful eyes.
@@TejubescDM that’s why is important when you’re a young adult realising all this and once you’ve healed, to REALLY parent yourself, take care of yourself and to REALLY love yourself to make up for everything you didn’t get and because of the abuse on top of it.
@TeiubescDM I remember an incident when I was in junior high in the early 70’s and I was on the phone talking with a girl that I made friends with at school. Back then we had 1 phone and it was a landline and it was in the dining room. My mother was in the kitchen and turned completely around in her chair and was glaring at me. Our conversation was innocent and appropriate. I thought “Why is my mother so strange??” She had a problem with me having friends. I realize now that it was an attempt to keep me isolated and controlled.
@@marycrowley1442 It’s so crazy have we hall have similar stories. I could never speak to my friends via phone call at home. Thank God got MSN messenger and Facebook where I could just type! Haha
Finally life is starting to make sense! Your channel has opened a door to new hope. Everything you said is exactly is what happened to me in my childhood and the effects and behaviours have been crippling for most of my life. Thank you, so much!
When I was a child, there was no way I could reach out for help. There was no telephone in the house. Strangers would not interfere even if they saw a parent mistreating a child. Teachers at school suspected something, but my mother looked like an angel to the outside world; since my abuse was verbal, I had no bruises. Running away from home was not an option - police would bring me back asap, and just remember the famous scene from Don Kichote about a boy being whipped to guess what would follow. I hope kids these days stand a better chance. I survived due to fortunate circumstances that allowed me to study at Uni far away from home and to discover that there was nothing wrong with me, in time to establish a normal life.
Feeling like I'm always about to get in trouble and seeing the world as how my parents perceive it really resonates with me. Starting to learn why has what's been most helpful to me in beginning to heal. But for me the experience of finding safe people has been daunting. Many people I felt safe sharing with for quite a while, have ended up turning on me eventually. The people that have now stood the test of time as trusted friends I had a rocky start with or were distant with me in the beginning. I understand that the right therapist can be essential in helping people heal. But, the two therapists I've been to felt safe at first only to eventually lie or shame me in some way. And I don't have the money to look for a therapist who understands what I'm going through. I had to find it in myself to stop looking for external validation and look inside and learn to trust myself more than anyone else. My perception of what should determine a safe relationship was so skewed that I had to observe many relationships and interactions to begin to identify what is actually healthy before I trusted myself to be open with others. I had to be okay with being alone again in case someone I thought was safe all of a sudden turned out not to be.
Hi from somebody that consider starting a therapy I suggest you to find an empathetic therapist they are the one that make you feel safe. My question is can you give me please few example of how they can shame their client ?
@@noneofyourbuizness I would love to find a therapist I feel safe sharing with and I know that they are out there, but my health insurance doesn't cover it and I can't afford better insurance or the price of a therapist, especially to try different therapists until I find the right one. I'm also afraid of finding one that I come out feeling worse with. My first therapist suggested that my issues with the people in my life was a result of me possibly having ADHD. She tried to double charge me, and threaten to send a collection agency after me, for sessions my insurance had already paid for. She also billed my insurance for sessions I never had with her. Another therapist told me that she will stop working with patients that aren't in alignment with what she thinks they should do, when I suggested that I might not be emotionally ready to leave my husband at the time. She started bad mouthing her daughter for not doing what she thought she should be doing. She also suggested that I eat a high fat diet and join a commune. It did help to vent and cry and she validated to me that my husband was emotionally abusing me. But, I felt obligated to her to follow her suggestions or she would no longer be supportive (just like my relationship with my parents). Even though I left my ex during my time spent with the last therapist, I came away from both experiences feeling more confused. What's helped me the most is finding channels on RUclips that resonate with me. There are some therapists I've seen on RUclips that I think would make me feel worse, but many that I think would be helpful, so I know there are some really good ones out there. I've also seen some depictions of empathetic therapists in movies or on TV that have had a positive affect on me
@@nancywutzke5392 💕. I wrote this in my journal today - "I think feeling it's okay to pick ourselves back up after being all to human is a huge part of the hurdle in recovery and healing". I think so many of us often think we're broken when we are just being human.
My best friend in middle school regularly cooked and baked with her mother. I spent many weekends at her house and found stability and nurture with her family, even with her relatives. My mom was a good cook too but never took the time to do anything with us. I remember replicating certain recipes my mom cooked (she had the recipes written in another language I could not read). I observed her making borscht most Saturdays. My parents had gone to the farmers market one Saturday so as a 12 or 13 year old I decided to make my mom’s version of borscht. She has never taught me how to make it, my skills were all based on observation and instinct. When my parents came home from grocery shopping my dad was so impressed that I made borscht and was laughing to himself as he laddled himself a big bowl of borscht and added a dollop of sour cream on top (as all Ukrainians do and should do🥰). My mom had a different reaction. She said nothing and was quiet and eventually said something to agree with my father after he was complementary as he ate the soup. I remember asking my mom if I had cooked the soup correctly, she said “I just needed to add water, you didn’t add enough water, but other than that you cooked it correctly” (translating, she said this in Ukrainian). She seemed dismissive and I never made this attempt again. Once I reached high school I started working at a restaurant and would regularly prepare meals for my siblings, recipes I copied while observing the cooks at the restaurant. I think the Turkey Melt sandwich was a favorite. There’s a long story about why I stopped cooking. In short I lived with my parents during my 20s after they purchased a new home in a different state. I was not allowed access to the kitchen and lived under a controlling regime run by my mom and sisters. For years I had no idea why I was no longer a natural cook when I attempted to cook once I lived on my own. It was not until going no contact a few years ago that that my natural talents seemed to be restored. The narcissist systematically strips away the self worth of the person they are targeting. They are thieves who take credit for our talents and push us to the point to doubt ourselves and subsequently giving up on the things we love. No contact was the only cure to unlock my talents and natural personality.
Same. When my dad says anything good about me, to me or to anyone else, and my mom hears it, my mom takes it out on me later. She will also go quiet or give a minor criticism when my dad says something good about me and looks for agreement from my mom. She will later find a way to punish me for it or plant negativity about me to other people/ family members.
Your mom sees you as competition.shes afraid you will please her husband too much.a threat to a narc.your a gem they hate cant celebrate your gifts .makes them feel insignificant. Fragile indeed
Same experience here. Your Mom was jealous and threatened by you. Then she drained your creative juice's and you could find no joy in cooking. Don't forget about the guilt they insidiously instill in us too.
J B, I believe they become quiet because their ego is injured when we demonstrate a talent. It’s my experience when I got older and my sister became the golden child that my mom would triangulate us and use my sister to reinforce her automatic criticism of me. I believe they react based on the audience. They remain quiet when there are witnesses. When they are surrounded by enablers they react differently and don’t have to pretend. Mockery is my mom’s favorite tool when she’s free to be herself.
Cocoa Bean, you are perceptive and I can guess you have first hand experience. To compete with one’s teenage daughter shows the level of immaturity my mom embodied. It got worse once I graduated college. That’s when I became good looking and my sisters joined my mom in competing with me. Their abuse was rooted in envy, I just didn’t know it at the time.
This is so heartbreaking for me because my ex therapist tried to make me believe I am bad and I am defective. She actually said I was stuck in childhood. And blamed me for being abused as a child by my biological parents. It makes sense how easily she would have controlled me when I believed that I was the problem. She was hoping that she could make more and and more money from me because only she could give me the validation I so desperately needed to believe that I wasn't as defective and unlovable as I believed. I am planning on starting therapy again in August. It was a very traumatic experience.
Yeah it's happened to me before. I hope your therapist is good, get rid if you start to see somethings not right. So many horrible people out there only.
I was constantly reminded I am a failure at school and home. I've got bullied and excluded from team sports bc I have small heart failure but also cause I spent all days alone at home, never playing with other kids. At home, I wasn't allowed to do anything, cause "I will do it wrong". I couldn't wash the dishes without the feeling of anxiety. My mum never invited me to do anything together, like cooking, gardening, etc. When I was trying to learn something , it ended with yelling and drama. She would say: "I don't have to wait long till you do next thing wrong." Till this day, I have huge performance anxiety. All I want is to be as far as possible from those horrible people and cut off ties completely with my family who alienated me for years. I've done it for most part, but some of them still try to spy on me and get second hand info, to make sure I am not doing better than them.
Wise words - to make sure I am not doing better than them. That is why I moved out and narcs know nothing about me now:) narcs may fantisize about how bad I am living but in reality I am doing very well - but they will never get this info to steal my success as their own:)
As someone who doesn't have english as their first language, it's so fascinating, refreshing and validating to hear the word "survivor" used to describe someone, who has been through this (and not just victim or something akin to "experiencer"). This was a life and death situation for you growing up. If you couldn't get your parents to attach to you, you were toast. Your parents on the other hand. They had way less skin in the game than you, and it's so unfair to watch them "get away with murder" time and time again. To fully embrace and feel the fact that your survival was at stake at a very early age, and your parent(s) were more invested in you at the level of a toy or pet rather than a separate human being (with needs, emotions and thoughts of their own). That I still find very challenging to accept.
I felt like that, the object instead of person. Like a doll on display when they could use me for attention, but devalued and disrespected at the same time. My mom would say " your just jealous", or " your so competitive", and I realised these things were probably things that had been said to them, and were projections. Look good, but do not outshine them at any point, I've was just a side dressing for the real stars. I didn't realise I could do anything ( I mean something) until I got a job after school in my senior year, totally apart from them. My teacher wanted to advance me early when I was in grade school, but my parents wouldn't allow it. My dad still makes comments running others down who have college degrees, and tries to get me to say I was only a parrot by leading the conversation about how he was only a parrot in high school math. He wants me to down myself so he can feel better, and I did take that up, but it's false humility, not genuine humility that considers each person gifted in their own way, with strengths and weakness. Explains a siblings desire " to be treated as an adult", sadly it never happened. All the energy, even now, is directed towards propping up the false image they have created, while undermining and discarding my place in the family.
Your insight, truth, and sincerity can be both seen and felt through your videos. There is no one else like you on these channels. Thanks for being here for people like me. God’s best to you always.
I have made peace with a lot of this but what I can’t get right with is how they get away with causing so much damage and with so many people willing to overlook their “crimes against humanity”.
Nope, it won’t change. We cannot change someone else. And they like watching you squirm. Just a quick heads-up, in the event your not expecting it... after separating from elderly narc parents (I see self become stronger) I realized my spouse had serious Covert narc traits. I didn’t see it until I studied Narcissism to understand my mother... but then I knew I was also the scapegoat in my own home. How did I not understand that!? I EX-ed my spouse ( who was /is behaviorally addicted), and witnessed my daughter “putting me in my place because everything I do is wrong. Apparently I only fit in my family if I am a scapegoat. When I grew healthier, my entire family objected to it. They refused to acknowledge my right to boundaries. I do not want everything to be my fault any longer, so videos like this are helpful.... but my family is shrinking drastically.
Please make a video on dealing with the fear of your narc parents finding you and destroying you after you’ve gone no contact. They are capable of using the same tactics amber heard used on Jonny - reputation damage, false accusations, triangulation, etc. this fear holds a lot of scapegoats back from going after the success they know they are capable of
Hiding from the Narcissist is my life, as she has destroyed my reputation from a prominent community so had to let go of those friends that are now her flying monkeys and moved across the country and abandon a FB account and block her from all my social media accounts. 2+ years no contact and just recently got an email as forgot to block one account. Offering me the family silver most likely to get my address and drag me into another legal issue. Blocked my phone… She has threatened me with legal several times when she is the problem….Living in this mode is exhausting and just want her to go away. She is a relative by marriage….My parents and brother (his wife) all passed away. Sister-in-law neglected to tell me of his death to protect his estate as she is all about the money. She would not be sitting pretty if it were not for my father’s estate and business sense. After that act I have had enough and just blocked. She and my brother both alcoholic. No relationship with my nieces as she took care of those relationships. Complete lie…..Oh and she and her deceased mother have brought up my adoption as a way to discredit my worth and role in the family. Trying to heal as this whole unhealthy family (Father also narcissistic) situation is something I will never engage in again moving forward. Oh and my brother and she stole my inheritance along with the family lawyer (that was on retainer for 40 years )as well and had me tied up in legal for 8 years. Im done!!!!!!
Caretaker of mother. Abandoned thinking due to overwhelming feelings of loss. My brother was scapegoat. Forever blame myself for not being with my brother more & tell myself the truth about my mother.
The being placed in a no-win situation you said at the end helps me to contend with the lack of courage i showed when dealing with the narcissist - it helps me hate myself a little less.
I don’t agree that it is a lack of courage. It’s the experience of dealing with them 24/7. You KNOW that any emotion that they can evoke in you is food to them. It’s usually a narcissist who says, “He who angers you owns you”. You don’t learn to temper your reactions to their outrageous behavior because of cowardice, but experience.
I just realized how right you are about this. Watched a lot of your videos about "had to adopt ..." but this is the first time I realize its truth. You just can not - especially as a child - keep talking, acting according to your own (real) reality, when you are living with a narcissistic parent, because it would take even that little functioning out of life, which would make survival impossible. I was one of the best students in school, especially in Math, yet I could not play because my father bought me a Math exercise book to solve. Parents buy those books for kids who are not good enough in something, not for one of the best students of the school. Thank you Jay.
I took cosmology in high school and absolutely loved what I was doing & learning, yet in the field, I felt inadequate and had no confidence. I would be frightened each customer was going to be mad or unhappy with their hair.
@@MzBAnthony Pretty sure I was very well on my way to that, just had no confidence in myself from all of the abuses at home. I still struggle with -never good enough/imposter syndrome no matter how many professional licenses I get. Still walking on eggshells & waiting for the other shoe to drop, well past midlife. Heck, still working for others instead of myself.
I was going to write, I bet you had a parent who yelled. I reread your post and no where in your post did you mention yelling. Yelling is my experience of family. Mad/unhappy parents equal cruel yelling, put downs, devaluation and discard in my mind. The last time I spoke to my mother I had asked her to switch photos of me on fb to friends and family only. She lied and said she did, no one could see them. I told her I could see them. She asked what was I doing on her fb page. I told her anyone could see all of her pics on fb. She told me no one cares about those pictures, no one looks at them. Then screamed at me several times saying: “You have BIG PROBLEMS”. I said, “goodbye mom” and haven’t talked to her since before Covid. She’s never apologized. She did invite me to Christmas dinner. I declined. If I accepted the invitation, it would mean I would have to carry on with the happy family charade and swallow her bossy disrespectful invalidating behavior and insults with a smile. I can’t do that. On another video Jay recommended the book, “ Leaving Home: The Art of Separating from Your Difficult Family” by David Celani. The book is eye opening and has been a tough-love read for me. I would love to hear what other people got out of it. If cosmetology is where your heart is at, I say give it another try. People are people, some will love their hair and some won’t. You’ll learn something from each client. Wishing you the best!
My mother forced me into modeling school in my teens, an experience I utterly loathed. The director complained that I walked like I was “falling apart.” My arm movement was not parallel with my stride. I learned recently that Ted Bundy, the serial killer, looked for this discrepancy in his victims, because it showed him that these women could easily dissociate, and he could easily overwhelm them. You are right, that the body never lies. Even to this day, my early years of abuse are visible in the very way I walk.
As a suggestion for a video subject might be where narcissistic parents train you to treat an absence of negative feedback as a reward (negative reinforcement), which leads people as adults to A: seek a risk of negative feedback in interactions with others and then B: avoid that negative feedback, as a way of feeling good about themselves.
I always feel like I'm defective and overly sensitive. I feel like people see me that way. Like my issues as a result of what happened make me an unacceptable person.
I so get that feeling. I bought into that sad story others have told about me by concern trolling me . I know that I have learned maladaptive habits in how I communicate with others, but I am trying to learn new ways of communicating with others and am trying to be patient with myself in the process. Basically I believe that our opinions of ourselves have been skewed by others, we were never broken, only human. How we learned to survive our childhood may not be serving us anymore, and with patience with ourselves we can learn to communicate in ways that will serve us better. Please don't feel that your experience makes you less than. You were only human.and have the right to learn and grow, despite your past experience
The therapists I've been to just sit and never respond. They just ask prompting questions but no feedback. I've had good insurance for 20yrs and convinced there isn't a single good counselor in Atl. I'd MUCH rather be alone in my house than deal with any of it anymore.
I can believe it. 😭 lt's as Failed, if not worse than the TL. Failed, Medical Care systems! And, you have options. Now, it's so $CREWED UP, there's No concept of Continuity of Care, either!!
Agreed! Its hard to find a good counselor if they did not experience it many are not trained in narc abuse. Jay Reid is a specialized counselor! He offers Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation see it in the description above!!
i've had similar experiences and have chosen to stick to self-work with these sorts of videos, meditation/journaling, and self-help books (highly recommended "The Power of Now", and plan to read "The Body Keeps Score" next after revesting "Unmasking Autism"
Oh my goodness! Learning that many others lived their lives like I did is astounding. For years, I lived in fear constantly that I was was a short step away from a horrible mistake. I went from job to job in panic.
There is a lot of research done on scapegoating mechanisms but there is little one can do to prevent it from happening. I do believe making victims aware that there is nothing wrong with them as helpful. Unfortunately scapegoating is often a way for families or communities to hide problems that they feel cannot face. In adulthood, scapegoating became a way for adult children to hide the fact of family history of abuse by blaming everything on one member who seemed vulnerable for attack (and/or talks about it). Often the scapegoat is targeted by the siblings who were treated more favorably. In that way, the less favored sibling(s) becomes the punchingbag for everything that is wrong in the family. Family therapy can help but only rarely are the culprits and less affected family members willing to take part. So my focus would be on empowering the scapegoat(s).
When people I don't know well are nice to me...i question their motive- because #1. do i deserve it, #2. what do they want #3 what will they do after . It's a bit sad, i don't freely know how to accept a compliment or unexpected seemingly harmless kind suggestion. Thank you!
Its time that the mental framework that we adopted from our narc parents so that we can see who we truly are. We are looking at ourselves from a flawed perception handed to our innocent selves by our parents. I thank you so much, Jay!
Wow I feel this exact same way when I do what I’m good at. I can’t enjoy the experience of doing what I’m good at. It feels like I’m doing it “wrong” even though I’m not.
Lucky if you do get that outside frame! Very often we just leave home to enter other similar scapegoating systems. Academic courses and jobs, where nepotism is rife run by narcisstic despots & mediocre work gets applauded while quality work is ignored or baselessly criticized..
I have very very rarely ever wanted to actually Hug someone in my life… but the recognition you are presenting here, i feel completely compelled to give you a real life hug for all of the understanding you have provided for myself (and many others, i am sure) I see you as well and it is wonderful to find such like mindedness ☺️💓 TY for your dedication to mental health 😚👌✨
The thesis about sharing reality, as illustration of the agreement that creates a connection between two people and the psychological terms and conditions that accompany that agreement is always so powerful, and it’s especially salient today. The relationship with the narcissist is what, in terms of contract law and theory, would be called an adhesion contract, meaning it’s riddled with unfavorable clauses, obligations, limitations and permutations that you didn’t see coming, didn’t agree to and don’t necessarily desire, but it’s a “take it or leave it” proposition, and your feelings on the matter are irrelevant to the other party. Rather, what counts is who has leverage over the other person in terms of a power differential. Thanks as always. Highly insightful and illustrative. 🙏🏼💖💖
This RUclips channel is a treasure! Thank you again, Jay🙏 You just crystallized my vague understanding of being split within exactly this way. The roots of imposter syndrome laid bare.
It's like my mind doesn't register things I did well, wins, people who were happy to see me etc. Eg. Often when I try to remember some meetings my mind is rewiring the history that the person verbally rejected me, when in reality they were very happy to interact with me, complied with my requests etc.
The example person was lucky. I was the scapegoat at home and ostracized at school for being too sensitive (aka being the crybaby). I had no safe place.
You have no idea how value you are as a Human. I earn 20k a month and felt like crap because my mom hates to hear about any of my success. You are like a coach you keep it real and dont take the position that most people do.
100%. My mother told me, "whoever this other schitzoid Joan is, she is not I." So now I have completely fabricated a new mom, and I'm holding HER accountable?!🤦♀️Yeah-we barely talk. As long as she is not in my life, I am at peace. "You know, I am VERY disappointed in you, girl!" Always will be mom. Always WILL be.🤷♀️😁
I gave into my narcissistic father’s bad advice and an evil Veterinarians bad advice too! I’ve had a lifetime of abuse and now I’m free to be me at 50 old! My brother is the prince who was driven high school every day while my sister and I took the bus! My dad went to every football game and wrestling events! Also, he drove him to all of his favorite concerts while I was locked in the house until I was 18!
Yeah it was a full journey for me i ended up in AA after medicating my cptsd from narc abuse/ i had sort of safe people there aslong as i agreed with the AA koolaid, which I didnt and wasn't really the reality of my story because i medicated my cptsd from narc abuse as the scapegoat , so i kinda new i needed to get in trauma work. I then had shrinks/ therapists/ i did a little emdr, and i also had a safe enough "sponsor" or fellow traveler, that identified that i needed help with setting boundaries. I joined a 12 step group that talks about healing the inner child and healing from the effects of being brought up in chaotic families with trauma. They suggest boundaries, grieving, and the like, but its just for trauma in general so you have there people from all ranges some even became narcisistic themselves, others where other family roles etc..... Back to my healing journey a sponsor / fellow traveler who encouraged me to start speaking up in this abusive work i was in, he wasn't perfect, maybe just good enough, he was good at setting boundaries himselves, i had some support in this support group i was going to as well. A notion for healthy boundaries, and after setting many boundaries in this abusive work place i decided to walk out of it because i wasnt going to have another day of it. I felt a sense of self-love, agency, and my inner child thank me for finally listening to him again, after what i had to do was abandon myself to survive a narcisistically abusive home specially 2 years that i lived alone with the narcisistic parent. I then saw i could do it , i could say NO , i could keep boundaries i could speak up when i felt i was being manipulated, etc. Its been almost 3 years and keeping that contract with my inner child choosing safe people to open up with, to connect with navigating the narcisistic people out there. Feeling comfortable being in my authentic self, because when we say no to stuff that is abusive or unfair or neglectful or honor the cues of the inner child, and speak up for them the inner child comes out more our authentic selves get strengthened or the inner child feels the backin of us. I can choose healthy people capeable of empathy now , and have even had to navigate and deal with narc's as adult that resent that they can't control me and sometimes have gone as far as smearing me, which lead me to study and integrate to my cptsd recovery more understanding about narc abuse, for validation, and tactical purposes, i kept taking their baits in this smear campaign and fueling it...... I can take a compliment now, i feel i deserve it. I know my worth a lot more now. And my value. I can leave unhealthy places that dont recognize it. I can go where i feel understood and the connection feels safe. Recovering from how deep the impostor syndrome can goes is still gradual, but i have the safety and self-respect now , to keep myself safe while i heal a little bit, more beliefs or stuff, and many believe that healign is a lifestyle. Either way it isnt a goal post im chasing, like "when i get there" its something im living, self respect, self worth, authenticity, connection , expression, knowing my worth and choosing safe people, and also reparenting and all of that the difficult emotions that come up, that all humans, ideally could learn how to navigate unpleasant emotions. As i keep knowing my worth, and having that self respect, and speaking up, i see things that i allowed maybe only a year or so ago, and how by practicing the ideas that i shared about like, ive continued healing, and see it was whack and how some dysfunctional characters could even take advantage of it. There can be outrage about it a little. But theres loads of healing, and empowerment. And ill see if I ever cross paths i can have a word with them about it but theyll probably dismiss reponsibility wont they
I am to the point in examining myself and realizing that I do have worth. But with that comes the realization that I don't have a family who cares about me, nor ever did. That's a painful thing to wrap your head around.
It’s incredibly painful when your narcissist parent enlists other family members to perpetuate the narrative about you, making it feel impossible to escape.
A young teen told me that o could t complain at Walgreen's yesterday I'm sixty and I've lived a long life I told her as of course u can its a huge co.pany that does t care about her ....kids a ceot what parents tell them.as solid truths. I dont wznt wpme. Young or old think there is no power in their voice
Nobody has the right to gaslight. Nobody has the right to take away someone's reality. That is how we survive: we process reality and calculate the right action. To change someone's reality is to put them in danger and to mess with their survival mechanism. You are endangering someone's life.
It’s taken me 71 and a half
years to find this information.
Thank You! 🙏 Blessings
God Bless you Mark!!!!!!!!
Imposter syndrome is real and it's a tragedy that any human being is set up for this by the same people who are by nature supposed to love them.
Naomi Judd felt like an "Imposter" I also heard recently another famous talented artist say they felt like an imposter, like someone was going to "find them out to be FAKE".
You said it right
Yeah, I felt like crawling out of my skin so many times... ugly feelings.
Follows me around
I think the worst part of this all is, as a child you are naïve. You’re at the mercy of your caregivers, who you would hope would be telling the truth about you. Then you start to believe was the narcissist says. It’s only when you’re older you realise what’s happened and how you had so much potential. All you needed was someone to love, support, encourage and guide you. Which is what all children should have. Also the realisation of knowing that the narcissist knew exactly what they were doing. They purposely sabotaged you. They couldn’t stand to see you succeed because it made them feel worse about themselves. Any parents or older siblings who do this to young children deserve to go to hell.
Exactly! Children don't have any self esteem beside of coming from validation of their peers, parents, etc. That's why young people try so hard to be liked and accepted. And it's pretty normal - you don't have enough experience to estimate yourself objectively. I was naive like that till my early 20'. I've thought the more I try, the better I do at education, etc. - The more I will be liked by my family. But the opposite happened. The better I looked, the more "succes" I had, both friends and family pushed me aside. I was so naive and innocent, I couldn't see their envy - especially from relatives. I've thought they ignore me cause I am so small and irrelevant. But now I know, they never ignored me, they observed me with their hateful eyes.
@@TejubescDM always watching
@@TejubescDM that’s why is important when you’re a young adult realising all this and once you’ve healed, to REALLY parent yourself, take care of yourself and to REALLY love yourself to make up for everything you didn’t get and because of the abuse on top of it.
@TeiubescDM I remember an incident when I was in junior high in the early 70’s and I was on the phone talking with a girl that I made friends with at school. Back then we had 1 phone and it was a landline and it was in the dining room. My mother was in the kitchen and turned completely around in her chair and was glaring at me. Our conversation was innocent and appropriate. I thought “Why is my mother so strange??” She had a problem with me having friends. I realize now that it was an attempt to keep me isolated and controlled.
@@marycrowley1442 It’s so crazy have we hall have similar stories. I could never speak to my friends via phone call at home. Thank God got MSN messenger and Facebook where I could just type! Haha
Finally life is starting to make sense! Your channel has opened a door to new hope. Everything you said is exactly is what happened to me in my childhood and the effects and behaviours have been crippling for most of my life. Thank you, so much!
When I was a child, there was no way I could reach out for help. There was no telephone in the house. Strangers would not interfere even if they saw a parent mistreating a child. Teachers at school suspected something, but my mother looked like an angel to the outside world; since my abuse was verbal, I had no bruises. Running away from home was not an option - police would bring me back asap, and just remember the famous scene from Don Kichote about a boy being whipped to guess what would follow. I hope kids these days stand a better chance. I survived due to fortunate circumstances that allowed me to study at Uni far away from home and to discover that there was nothing wrong with me, in time to establish a normal life.
whoa! this is so messed up! -- it happened to me
Feeling like I'm always about to get in trouble and seeing the world as how my parents perceive it really resonates with me. Starting to learn why has what's been most helpful to me in beginning to heal. But for me the experience of finding safe people has been daunting.
Many people I felt safe sharing with for quite a while, have ended up turning on me eventually. The people that have now stood the test of time as trusted friends I had a rocky start with or were distant with me in the beginning.
I understand that the right therapist can be essential in helping people heal. But, the two therapists I've been to felt safe at first only to eventually lie or shame me in some way. And I don't have the money to look for a therapist who understands what I'm going through.
I had to find it in myself to stop looking for external validation and look inside and learn to trust myself more than anyone else. My perception of what should determine a safe relationship was so skewed that I had to observe many relationships and interactions to begin to identify what is actually healthy before I trusted myself to be open with others. I had to be okay with being alone again in case someone I thought was safe all of a sudden turned out not to be.
Hi from somebody that consider starting a therapy I suggest you to find an empathetic therapist they are the one that make you feel safe.
My question is can you give me please few example of how they can shame their client ?
@@noneofyourbuizness I would love to find a therapist I feel safe sharing with and I know that they are out there, but my health insurance doesn't cover it and I can't afford better insurance or the price of a therapist, especially to try different therapists until I find the right one. I'm also afraid of finding one that I come out feeling worse with.
My first therapist suggested that my issues with the people in my life was a result of me possibly having ADHD. She tried to double charge me, and threaten to send a collection agency after me, for sessions my insurance had already paid for. She also billed my insurance for sessions I never had with her.
Another therapist told me that she will stop working with patients that aren't in alignment with what she thinks they should do, when I suggested that I might not be emotionally ready to leave my husband at the time. She started bad mouthing her daughter for not doing what she thought she should be doing. She also suggested that I eat a high fat diet and join a commune. It did help to vent and cry and she validated to me that my husband was emotionally abusing me. But, I felt obligated to her to follow her suggestions or she would no longer be supportive (just like my relationship with my parents).
Even though I left my ex during my time spent with the last therapist, I came away from both experiences feeling more confused. What's helped me the most is finding channels on RUclips that resonate with me. There are some therapists I've seen on RUclips that I think would make me feel worse, but many that I think would be helpful, so I know there are some really good ones out there. I've also seen some depictions of empathetic therapists in movies or on TV that have had a positive affect on me
@@goldieh7121 Oh how I recognize everything that you're saying.💕
Same journey.
@@nancywutzke5392 💕. I wrote this in my journal today - "I think feeling it's okay to pick ourselves back up after being all to human is a huge part of the hurdle in recovery and healing". I think so many of us often think we're broken when we are just being human.
therapists are vampires in my experience.
My best friend in middle school regularly cooked and baked with her mother. I spent many weekends at her house and found stability and nurture with her family, even with her relatives.
My mom was a good cook too but never took the time to do anything with us. I remember replicating certain recipes my mom cooked (she had the recipes written in another language I could not read). I observed her making borscht most Saturdays. My parents had gone to the farmers market one Saturday so as a 12 or 13 year old I decided to make my mom’s version of borscht. She has never taught me how to make it, my skills were all based on observation and instinct. When my parents came home from grocery shopping my dad was so impressed that I made borscht and was laughing to himself as he laddled himself a big bowl of borscht and added a dollop of sour cream on top (as all Ukrainians do and should do🥰). My mom had a different reaction. She said nothing and was quiet and eventually said something to agree with my father after he was complementary as he ate the soup. I remember asking my mom if I had cooked the soup correctly, she said “I just needed to add water, you didn’t add enough water, but other than that you cooked it correctly” (translating, she said this in Ukrainian). She seemed dismissive and I never made this attempt again.
Once I reached high school I started working at a restaurant and would regularly prepare meals for my siblings, recipes I copied while observing the cooks at the restaurant. I think the Turkey Melt sandwich was a favorite.
There’s a long story about why I stopped cooking. In short I lived with my parents during my 20s after they purchased a new home in a different state. I was not allowed access to the kitchen and lived under a controlling regime run by my mom and sisters. For years I had no idea why I was no longer a natural cook when I attempted to cook once I lived on my own.
It was not until going no contact a few years ago that that my natural talents seemed to be restored. The narcissist systematically strips away the self worth of the person they are targeting. They are thieves who take credit for our talents and push us to the point to doubt ourselves and subsequently giving up on the things we love. No contact was the only cure to unlock my talents and natural personality.
Same. When my dad says anything good about me, to me or to anyone else, and my mom hears it, my mom takes it out on me later. She will also go quiet or give a minor criticism when my dad says something good about me and looks for agreement from my mom. She will later find a way to punish me for it or plant negativity about me to other people/ family members.
Your mom sees you as competition.shes afraid you will please her husband too much.a threat to a narc.your a gem they hate cant celebrate your gifts .makes them feel insignificant. Fragile indeed
Same experience here.
Your Mom was jealous and threatened by you. Then she drained your creative juice's and you could find no joy in cooking.
Don't forget about the guilt they insidiously instill in us too.
J B, I believe they become quiet because their ego is injured when we demonstrate a talent. It’s my experience when I got older and my sister became the golden child that my mom would triangulate us and use my sister to reinforce her automatic criticism of me.
I believe they react based on the audience. They remain quiet when there are witnesses. When they are surrounded by enablers they react differently and don’t have to pretend. Mockery is my mom’s favorite tool when she’s free to be herself.
Cocoa Bean, you are perceptive and I can guess you have first hand experience. To compete with one’s teenage daughter shows the level of immaturity my mom embodied. It got worse once I graduated college. That’s when I became good looking and my sisters joined my mom in competing with me. Their abuse was rooted in envy, I just didn’t know it at the time.
This is so heartbreaking for me because my ex therapist tried to make me believe I am bad and I am defective. She actually said I was stuck in childhood. And blamed me for being abused as a child by my biological parents.
It makes sense how easily she would have controlled me when I believed that I was the problem.
She was hoping that she could make more and and more money from me because only she could give me the validation I so desperately needed to believe that I wasn't as defective and unlovable as I believed.
I am planning on starting therapy again in August. It was a very traumatic experience.
Careful people, this can happen! Much love for you and instant healing from your angels that are always to you!
Yeah it's happened to me before. I hope your therapist is good, get rid if you start to see somethings not right. So many horrible people out there only.
I wonder if there is a board of psychology you can write to about your experience with this narcissist therapist?
Great job getting rid of her and standing up for yourself!! I just started therapy again last month; I hope you find an amazing therapist!!
I was the "Whore".Even at a young age and after sexual abuse by a Family member,I was always the guilty one.
I'm sorry you were treated like that! I was molested also; I'm sorry you had to go through that hell!!
I am so sorry Sandy.
I was constantly reminded I am a failure at school and home. I've got bullied and excluded from team sports bc I have small heart failure but also cause I spent all days alone at home, never playing with other kids. At home, I wasn't allowed to do anything, cause "I will do it wrong". I couldn't wash the dishes without the feeling of anxiety. My mum never invited me to do anything together, like cooking, gardening, etc. When I was trying to learn something , it ended with yelling and drama. She would say: "I don't have to wait long till you do next thing wrong." Till this day, I have huge performance anxiety. All I want is to be as far as possible from those horrible people and cut off ties completely with my family who alienated me for years. I've done it for most part, but some of them still try to spy on me and get second hand info, to make sure I am not doing better than them.
😢 sending 🥰
Wise words - to make sure I am not doing better than them. That is why I moved out and narcs know nothing about me now:) narcs may fantisize about how bad I am living but in reality I am doing very well - but they will never get this info to steal my success as their own:)
God Bless You.
I want to cut them off, too..so scared to be alone on Christmas Day again
As someone who doesn't have english as their first language, it's so fascinating, refreshing and validating to hear the word "survivor" used to describe someone, who has been through this (and not just victim or something akin to "experiencer").
This was a life and death situation for you growing up. If you couldn't get your parents to attach to you, you were toast. Your parents on the other hand. They had way less skin in the game than you, and it's so unfair to watch them "get away with murder" time and time again.
To fully embrace and feel the fact that your survival was at stake at a very early age, and your parent(s) were more invested in you at the level of a toy or pet rather than a separate human being (with needs, emotions and thoughts of their own). That I still find very challenging to accept.
Thank you
I felt like that, the object instead of person. Like a doll on display when they could use me for attention, but devalued and disrespected at the same time. My mom would say " your just jealous", or " your so competitive", and I realised these things were probably things that had been said to them, and were projections. Look good, but do not outshine them at any point, I've was just a side dressing for the real stars.
I didn't realise I could do anything ( I mean something) until I got a job after school in my senior year, totally apart from them.
My teacher wanted to advance me early when I was in grade school, but my parents wouldn't allow it. My dad still makes comments running others down who have college degrees, and tries to get me to say I was only a parrot by leading the conversation about how he was only a parrot in high school math. He wants me to down myself so he can feel better, and I did take that up, but it's false humility, not genuine humility that considers each person gifted in their own way, with strengths and weakness.
Explains a siblings desire " to be treated as an adult", sadly it never happened. All the energy, even now, is directed towards propping up the false image they have created, while undermining and discarding my place in the family.
Your insight, truth, and sincerity can be both seen and felt through your videos.
There is no one else like you on these channels. Thanks for being here for people like me. God’s best to you always.
So true!
Terri Dillon. Here here 👏👏
Yes ! What she said. Thank you for being in the world. We need you.
Good morning, watching this over Sunday breakfast in Ireland.
Remembering the “ watching for getting into trouble next”
The Narcs that abused us should be responsible for paying for our therapy, which is unaffordable to some of us. That sounds fair to me. 🤷♀️
I have made peace with a lot of this but what I can’t get right with is how they get away with causing so much damage and with so many people willing to overlook their “crimes against humanity”.
And some prison time.
Agreed
I do need to leave my family. It is the truth and only way.
It’s hard for me to stop trying to make them realize their ways but their elder now and it won’t change
Nope, it won’t change. We cannot change someone else. And they like watching you squirm.
Just a quick heads-up, in the event your not expecting it... after separating from elderly narc parents (I see self become stronger) I realized my spouse had serious Covert narc traits. I didn’t see it until I studied Narcissism to understand my mother... but then I knew I was also the scapegoat in my own home. How did I not understand that!? I EX-ed my spouse ( who was /is behaviorally addicted), and witnessed my daughter “putting me in my place because everything I do is wrong. Apparently I only fit in my family if I am a scapegoat. When I grew healthier, my entire family objected to it. They refused to acknowledge my right to boundaries.
I do not want everything to be my fault any longer, so videos like this are helpful.... but my family is shrinking drastically.
Over 10 yrs no contact. Peaceful. I can concentrate on healing myself; which I think will take a lifetime.😖
@@nancywutzke5392 yes. Agreed.
Please make a video on dealing with the fear of your narc parents finding you and destroying you after you’ve gone no contact. They are capable of using the same tactics amber heard used on Jonny - reputation damage, false accusations, triangulation, etc. this fear holds a lot of scapegoats back from going after the success they know they are capable of
Hiding from the Narcissist is my life, as she has destroyed my reputation from a prominent community so had to let go of those friends that are now her flying monkeys and moved across the country and abandon a FB account and block her from all my social media accounts. 2+ years no contact and just recently got an email as forgot to block one account. Offering me the family silver most likely to get my address and drag me into another legal issue. Blocked my phone… She has threatened me with legal several times when she is the problem….Living in this mode is exhausting and just want her to go away. She is a relative by marriage….My parents and brother (his wife) all passed away. Sister-in-law neglected to tell me of his death to protect his estate as she is all about the money. She would not be sitting pretty if it were not for my father’s estate and business sense. After that act I have had enough and just blocked. She and my brother both alcoholic. No relationship with my nieces as she took care of those relationships. Complete lie…..Oh and she and her deceased mother have brought up my adoption as a way to discredit my worth and role in the family. Trying to heal as this whole unhealthy family (Father also narcissistic) situation is something I will never engage in again moving forward. Oh and my brother and she stole my inheritance along with the family lawyer (that was on retainer for 40 years )as well and had me tied up in legal for 8 years. Im done!!!!!!
Caretaker of mother. Abandoned thinking due to overwhelming feelings of loss. My brother was scapegoat. Forever blame myself for not being with my brother more & tell myself the truth about my mother.
The being placed in a no-win situation you said at the end helps me to contend with the lack of courage i showed when dealing with the narcissist - it helps me hate myself a little less.
I don’t agree that it is a lack of courage. It’s the experience of dealing with them 24/7. You KNOW that any emotion that they can evoke in you is food to them. It’s usually a narcissist who says, “He who angers you owns you”.
You don’t learn to temper your reactions to their outrageous behavior because of cowardice, but experience.
@@user-ey4rc5tu4t Well said.
@@user-ey4rc5tu4t Thank you for reality re-orient.
When Jay gives thanks or makes recognition to the viewers/listeners, I sometimes reply: THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS FOR US.
I just realized how right you are about this. Watched a lot of your videos about "had to adopt ..." but this is the first time I realize its truth. You just can not - especially as a child - keep talking, acting according to your own (real) reality, when you are living with a narcissistic parent, because it would take even that little functioning out of life, which would make survival impossible. I was one of the best students in school, especially in Math, yet I could not play because my father bought me a Math exercise book to solve. Parents buy those books for kids who are not good enough in something, not for one of the best students of the school. Thank you Jay.
Very well put. Those messages are so deeply embedded they need surgery to be removed.
I took cosmology in high school and absolutely loved what I was doing & learning, yet in the field, I felt inadequate and had no confidence. I would be frightened each customer was going to be mad or unhappy with their hair.
Sucks right to have a talent or skill but to build the clientele is the greater challenge
@@MzBAnthony Pretty sure I was very well on my way to that, just had no confidence in myself from all of the abuses at home. I still struggle with -never good enough/imposter syndrome no matter how many professional licenses I get. Still walking on eggshells & waiting for the other shoe to drop, well past midlife.
Heck, still working for others instead of myself.
I was going to write, I bet you had a parent who yelled. I reread your post and no where in your post did you mention yelling. Yelling is my experience of family. Mad/unhappy parents equal cruel yelling, put downs, devaluation and discard in my mind. The last time I spoke to my mother I had asked her to switch photos of me on fb to friends and family only. She lied and said she did, no one could see them. I told her I could see them. She asked what was I doing on her fb page. I told her anyone could see all of her pics on fb. She told me no one cares about those pictures, no one looks at them. Then screamed at me several times saying: “You have BIG PROBLEMS”. I said, “goodbye mom” and haven’t talked to her since before Covid. She’s never apologized. She did invite me to Christmas dinner. I declined. If I accepted the invitation, it would mean I would have to carry on with the happy family charade and swallow her bossy disrespectful invalidating behavior and insults with a smile. I can’t do that.
On another video Jay recommended the book, “ Leaving Home: The Art of Separating from Your Difficult Family” by David Celani. The book is eye opening and has been a tough-love read for me. I would love to hear what other people got out of it.
If cosmetology is where your heart is at, I say give it another try. People are people, some will love their hair and some won’t. You’ll learn something from each client. Wishing you the best!
@@jwhite5396 You understand exactly. Thanks for the book title. I’ll look for it on Hoopla.
@@chilloften i am starting no matter what with fear and i know confidence will come..i hope the same for you..its been tough and im tired of it
My mother forced me into modeling school in my teens, an experience I utterly loathed. The director complained that I walked like I was “falling apart.” My arm movement was not parallel with my stride. I learned recently that Ted Bundy, the serial killer, looked for this discrepancy in his victims, because it showed him that these women could easily dissociate, and he could easily overwhelm them. You are right, that the body never lies. Even to this day, my early years of abuse are visible in the very way I walk.
I listened to this twice. It explains a need to be alone ( which I never understood before). Excellent presentation!! Thanks
Patience with ourselves will tend to yield patience in our other relationships.
As a suggestion for a video subject might be where narcissistic parents train you to treat an absence of negative feedback as a reward (negative reinforcement), which leads people as adults to A: seek a risk of negative feedback in interactions with others and then B: avoid that negative feedback, as a way of feeling good about themselves.
I always feel like I'm defective and overly sensitive. I feel like people see me that way. Like my issues as a result of what happened make me an unacceptable person.
I so get that feeling. I bought into that sad story others have told about me by concern trolling me . I know that I have learned maladaptive habits in how I communicate with others, but I am trying to learn new ways of communicating with others and am trying to be patient with myself in the process.
Basically I believe that our opinions of ourselves have been skewed by others, we were never broken, only human. How we learned to survive our childhood may not be serving us anymore, and with patience with ourselves we can learn to communicate in ways that will serve us better.
Please don't feel that your experience makes you less than. You were only human.and have the right to learn and grow, despite your past experience
The therapists I've been to just sit and never respond. They just ask prompting questions but no feedback. I've had good insurance for 20yrs and convinced there isn't a single good counselor in Atl. I'd MUCH rather be alone in my house than deal with any of it anymore.
I can believe it. 😭 lt's as Failed, if not worse than the TL. Failed, Medical Care systems!
And, you have options.
Now, it's so $CREWED UP, there's No concept of Continuity of Care, either!!
Agreed! Its hard to find a good counselor if they did not experience it many are not trained in narc abuse. Jay Reid is a specialized counselor! He offers Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation see it in the description above!!
i've had similar experiences and have chosen to stick to self-work with these sorts of videos, meditation/journaling, and self-help books (highly recommended "The Power of Now", and plan to read "The Body Keeps Score" next after revesting "Unmasking Autism"
Oh my goodness! Learning that many others lived their lives like I did is astounding. For years, I lived in fear constantly that I was was a short step away from a horrible mistake. I went from job to job in panic.
My family is one of generational abuse. I see it now. Thank you for these much-needed videos.
There is a lot of research done on scapegoating mechanisms but there is little one can do to prevent it from happening. I do believe making victims aware that there is nothing wrong with them as helpful. Unfortunately scapegoating is often a way for families or communities to hide problems that they feel cannot face. In adulthood, scapegoating became a way for adult children to hide the fact of family history of abuse by blaming everything on one member who seemed vulnerable for attack (and/or talks about it). Often the scapegoat is targeted by the siblings who were treated more favorably. In that way, the less favored sibling(s) becomes the punchingbag for everything that is wrong in the family. Family therapy can help but only rarely are the culprits and less affected family members willing to take part. So my focus would be on empowering the scapegoat(s).
Well said! TY!
My God. The accuracy of this is frightening. Brilliant. Thank you
Exactly how I felt with sports. Sports saved me, but I also got anxiety about not doing well.
When people I don't know well are nice to me...i question their motive- because #1. do i deserve it, #2. what do they want #3 what will they do after . It's a bit sad, i don't freely know how to accept a compliment or unexpected seemingly harmless kind suggestion. Thank you!
Thank you again for your videos. You are truly committed to recovery for all of us.
Whereas a vampire can't see its own reflection, its like an early symbol of the narcissist.
You are awesome! Some people do wonder why some family members treat the neighbors better than their child
Its time that the mental framework that we adopted from our narc parents so that we can see who we truly are. We are looking at ourselves from a flawed perception handed to our innocent selves by our parents. I thank you so much, Jay!
Wow I feel this exact same way when I do what I’m good at. I can’t enjoy the experience of doing what I’m good at. It feels like I’m doing it “wrong” even though I’m not.
The yellow chair really helps put out Superman vibes.
Lucky if you do get that outside frame!
Very often we just leave home to enter other similar scapegoating systems.
Academic courses and jobs, where nepotism is rife run by narcisstic despots & mediocre work gets applauded while quality work is ignored or baselessly criticized..
I have very very rarely ever wanted to actually Hug someone in my life… but the recognition you are presenting here, i feel completely compelled to give you a real life hug for all of the understanding you have provided for myself (and many others, i am sure)
I see you as well and it is wonderful to find such like mindedness ☺️💓 TY for your dedication to mental health 😚👌✨
Really find this channel helpful. I am late diagnosed autistic and several mental health conditions as a result of that and upbringing.
The thesis about sharing reality, as illustration of the agreement that creates a connection between two people and the psychological terms and conditions that accompany that agreement is always so powerful, and it’s especially salient today. The relationship with the narcissist is what, in terms of contract law and theory, would be called an adhesion contract, meaning it’s riddled with unfavorable clauses, obligations, limitations and permutations that you didn’t see coming, didn’t agree to and don’t necessarily desire, but it’s a “take it or leave it” proposition, and your feelings on the matter are irrelevant to the other party. Rather, what counts is who has leverage over the other person in terms of a power differential. Thanks as always. Highly insightful and illustrative. 🙏🏼💖💖
I think you have a very interesting and eloquent way of describing this all💕
Thanks Goldie!🙏🏼💖
very apt description. Are you a lawyer?
This RUclips channel is a treasure! Thank you again, Jay🙏 You just crystallized my vague understanding of being split within exactly this way. The roots of imposter syndrome laid bare.
Wow, great point that this is where imposter system comes from. Mind blown...
💚.
Thank you so much! You actually have the best videos focusing on us and reversing the damage caused by these monsters.
It's like my mind doesn't register things I did well, wins, people who were happy to see me etc.
Eg. Often when I try to remember some meetings my mind is rewiring the history that the person verbally rejected me, when in reality they were very happy to interact with me, complied with my requests etc.
The example person was lucky. I was the scapegoat at home and ostracized at school for being too sensitive (aka being the crybaby). I had no safe place.
Thank you for your work, much appreciated.
You have no idea how value you are as a Human. I earn 20k a month and felt like crap because my mom hates to hear about any of my success. You are like a coach you keep it real and dont take the position that most people do.
100%. My mother told me, "whoever this other schitzoid Joan is, she is not I."
So now I have completely fabricated a new mom, and I'm holding HER accountable?!🤦♀️Yeah-we barely talk. As long as she is not in my life, I am at peace. "You know, I am VERY disappointed in you, girl!" Always will be mom. Always WILL be.🤷♀️😁
I gave into my narcissistic father’s bad advice and an evil Veterinarians bad advice too! I’ve had a lifetime of abuse and now I’m free to be me at 50 old! My brother is the prince who was driven high school every day while my sister and I took the bus! My dad went to every football game and wrestling events! Also, he drove him to all of his favorite concerts while I was locked in the house until I was 18!
Yeah it was a full journey for me i ended up in AA after medicating my cptsd from narc abuse/ i had sort of safe people there aslong as i agreed with the AA koolaid, which I didnt and wasn't really the reality of my story because i medicated my cptsd from narc abuse as the scapegoat , so i kinda new i needed to get in trauma work. I then had shrinks/ therapists/ i did a little emdr, and i also had a safe enough "sponsor" or fellow traveler, that identified that i needed help with setting boundaries. I joined a 12 step group that talks about healing the inner child and healing from the effects of being brought up in chaotic families with trauma. They suggest boundaries, grieving, and the like, but its just for trauma in general so you have there people from all ranges some even became narcisistic themselves, others where other family roles etc..... Back to my healing journey a sponsor / fellow traveler who encouraged me to start speaking up in this abusive work i was in, he wasn't perfect, maybe just good enough, he was good at setting boundaries himselves, i had some support in this support group i was going to as well. A notion for healthy boundaries, and after setting many boundaries in this abusive work place i decided to walk out of it because i wasnt going to have another day of it. I felt a sense of self-love, agency, and my inner child thank me for finally listening to him again, after what i had to do was abandon myself to survive a narcisistically abusive home specially 2 years that i lived alone with the narcisistic parent. I then saw i could do it , i could say NO , i could keep boundaries i could speak up when i felt i was being manipulated, etc. Its been almost 3 years and keeping that contract with my inner child choosing safe people to open up with, to connect with navigating the narcisistic people out there. Feeling comfortable being in my authentic self, because when we say no to stuff that is abusive or unfair or neglectful or honor the cues of the inner child, and speak up for them the inner child comes out more our authentic selves get strengthened or the inner child feels the backin of us. I can choose healthy people capeable of empathy now , and have even had to navigate and deal with narc's as adult that resent that they can't control me and sometimes have gone as far as smearing me, which lead me to study and integrate to my cptsd recovery more understanding about narc abuse, for validation, and tactical purposes, i kept taking their baits in this smear campaign and fueling it...... I can take a compliment now, i feel i deserve it. I know my worth a lot more now. And my value. I can leave unhealthy places that dont recognize it. I can go where i feel understood and the connection feels safe. Recovering from how deep the impostor syndrome can goes is still gradual, but i have the safety and self-respect now , to keep myself safe while i heal a little bit, more beliefs or stuff, and many believe that healign is a lifestyle. Either way it isnt a goal post im chasing, like "when i get there" its something im living, self respect, self worth, authenticity, connection , expression, knowing my worth and choosing safe people, and also reparenting and all of that the difficult emotions that come up, that all humans, ideally could learn how to navigate unpleasant emotions. As i keep knowing my worth, and having that self respect, and speaking up, i see things that i allowed maybe only a year or so ago, and how by practicing the ideas that i shared about like, ive continued healing, and see it was whack and how some dysfunctional characters could even take advantage of it. There can be outrage about it a little. But theres loads of healing, and empowerment. And ill see if I ever cross paths i can have a word with them about it but theyll probably dismiss reponsibility wont they
Thank you
I am to the point in examining myself and realizing that I do have worth. But with that comes the realization that I don't have a family who cares about me, nor ever did. That's a painful thing to wrap your head around.
Completely awesome video!
once again, your videos explain things in a way that makes so much sense to my traumatized brain! 🫶
try vagus nerve work PLS it's been helping me so much!!! also implementing lots of other things though too.
Thank you Jay! You have helped me so much
(In the physical sense, used as a larger metaphor) the Marilyn character in the 1960's sitcom "The Munsters"
You didn't post yesterday. I hope you're ok.
Thank you for a video. Wonder how lower salience - importance of the rules from mental frame? What works?
Thank you for your work.
Great video. Helpful advice. Thank you.
It’s incredibly painful when your narcissist parent enlists other family members to perpetuate the narrative about you, making it feel impossible to escape.
Here’s to all of us who felt like 👽😂💖💃🏻
Wish you were closer
My mental frame can be pretty bad alot of times.
Crawling in my skin alot
A young teen told me that o could t complain at Walgreen's yesterday I'm sixty and I've lived a long life I told her as of course u can its a huge co.pany that does t care about her ....kids a ceot what parents tell them.as solid truths. I dont wznt wpme. Young or old think there is no power in their voice
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👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💐
Are you an INFP?
10:12
One minute
Nobody has the right to gaslight. Nobody has the right to take away someone's reality. That is how we survive: we process reality and calculate the right action. To change someone's reality is to put them in danger and to mess with their survival mechanism.
You are endangering someone's life.
Please get to the point, it sucks when half the video is about talking about talking about it
Thank you. All the information is extremally helpful to me.
thank you