Thank you. I have cptsd from childhood. I have no interest in sharing details, but my Aces score is 7. I cut contact with my family of origin 14 years ago when I was 40 after seeing them start to recreate behaviors from my childhood by targeting my child with them. I got us out of the situation, set some boundaries around contact, they violated all of them, so I cut all contact. I also ended up moving across the continent for incidental reasons, which helped with boundary keeping. Even now, 14 years later, I get pressure from extended family, friends, and internet people to forgive them and seek reconciliation. When I think about forgiveness it feels unsafe, because not forgiving- keeping a kernel of that anger alive- is emotional fuel for maintaining the boundaries I have kept. It counterbalanced the guilt and shame I feel around cutting them off. I expect when they are safely dead I will quell that anger and seriously consider forgiveness. In the meantime, I just don’t think about them all that often. My kiddo is off being successful in their early career, I am living a happy life, and the scars from my childhood are slowly fading with the help of therapy and the love and support of good people.
Keeping a small amount of anger alive as fuel to maintain your boundaries is a completely understandable adaptor. That anger is really useful in keeping you safe, in this instance, the value based action from it is to maintain your no contact boundaries. I salute your commitment to your welfare. ❤
I’ve been waiting for a video like this Emma!. When it comes to forgiveness, if I don’t feel I can give it to the person who hurt me and refuses to apologise and change, I instead give myself the forgiveness 🙏
Forgiveness cant be forced on anyone but its a beautiful thing to have that kind of heart where the heart is free of anger and hate which consumes people. Again it can't be forced on anyone but its better for everyone to have that forgiving heart, its up to the individual to try and find it within them if they want to. I'm not trying to be religious neither or shove nothing down anyones throat but Jesus was the main influence for me to be forgiving and free of hate for any human.
@@JamesP44 you shouldn't hold onto hatred but you should still hold people accountable for their actions, when dealing with bad people if you tell them "oh it's okay I forgive you" they will just take it as permission to continue abusing you.
I’m a 51 year old man and I was abused when I was 6 or 7 years old. It has impacted my life greatly from anger issues, relationship problems, and wearing an armor around everyday! I’m tired of being this way!
Thanks for making this video! I’ve always had a tendency to intellectualize and forgive/understand people prematurely. I think because of this, a part of me continues to feel resentful while the rest of me scrambles to remain cool and rational. It’s hard work 😓
Thank you so much for this. I've been told my entire adult life that I should forgive my parents and it always made me feel totally dismissed and conflicted with my ability to stay safe from the people who hurt me. It's so freeing just to hear someone acknowledge that forgiveness doesn't have to be part of my healing process. I appreciate your sensitivity to this really nuanced subject, you're the first person in my experience to do so. You always show genuine empathy for victims of abuse and it means so so much.
Thank you! At the start of separating from my family, people would say I should forgive my mother because she is the only one I'll have. It felt invalidating towards everything I felt and I needed to feel my own power as I had it taken away from me for so long. So telling me to give up the power of "resentment" felt dismissing. I'm now in a place where I feel it is best to forgive my parents and move on with my life as the resentment is hurting me. I haven't spoken to them in over a year and understand they can never be the parents I need but I must let go of the resentment; for my sake. So this is where I am at; trying to find peace with my past and my decision to cut them out. Forgiving and accepting this is how it had to be.
I was in a similar situation. When ppl say "it's the only mam or dad you have", I reply what a pity that the only ones I have couldn't be real, caring parent. I'm not responsible for my parents' condescending attitude & abusive behaviour. It isn't fair to expect a child to fulfill parents' failed lives and missed goals.
This was brilliant! I have been beating myself up to forgive because I thought that was the only way to find peace. I was trying to force the peace I craved. When you talked about forgiveness being part of the process, not the beginning and not the end, I needed to hear that!! Thank you Emma.
This is what biblical forgiveness actually looks like. This is what God intended it to be. It’s all a journey. Thankyou for all your good work. God bless ❤
Thank you for shedding light on what forgiveness looks and feels like. I have been struggling for so long because I thought I had to reach a place where I could absolve the other person and maintain relationships like it hadn’t happened. I also believed that the best revenge is to live well. It’s not revenge, it’s release.
This was by far the most insightful, helpful videos (of your many excellent videos ), for me, personally. My priesthood leaders did every last thing wrong according to what you've spelled out here, and the damage has been long-lasting and excruciating to undo. "Forgive and forget. Tell absolutely nobody, not even a therapist. Stay with the abuser." THANK YOU!
This is the best way to put forgiveness into perspective. I’ve always felt this way when it was used badly. Implying that you’re doing something wrong or you’re being unfair if you don’t forgive someone who treated you poorly is just so wrong
I appreciate how you tried to look at this from all angles. Not forgiving, not forgetting, hopefully protects me. I did a lot of of forgiving in my youth, and for all I forgave, it all happened again. I walked away from all those people and forgave them and myself for that mistake to only have all those horrible things happen again and again with different people. Being shamed by those I forgave for forgiving them, being shamed by those I gave trust to, for being so trusting has left a mark. I’m now middle aged, have been working on myself with therapy, coaching, trauma therapy, books, podcasts and what not for over 30 years. To have the same things happen, now, after all that work, all that time, all that money(self employed-no insurance) and all the collateral damage those betrayals cause(physical and mental breakdown and losing work from not being able to preform) I don’t feel I have enough time left to go where I have been trying to go, like there is no room for mistakes. I have not been able to forgive myself, for making that mistake, so many times, after all that effort to heal those things.
I need to see this like 3 times. Sooo much good and powerful information packed into this video. I'm struggling with holding onto anger, but every time I let it go and forgive, it finds its way back somehow. Thank you for the very informative and spiritual approach to letting it go!
Thank you for this video (as always)! I remember very clearly the night I decided to forgive my abuser, when I had refused to do so until then, because he was forcing me to do so... After reading the definition in a dictionary, I realized forgiveness was not what he asked for and more about letting go of my rage and welcoming more comforting feelings than forgetting what he did. It allowed me to start focusing on myself instead...
Before watching this video I thought I knew the value of forgiveness, and I was not wrong. But having watched this video I am now wiser about sharing my perspective. I better appreciate that listening first, and empathizing with another, is the prerequisite to giving advice. The best advice comes from within. Guiding another to finding for themselves the peace that forgiveness offers is so much more valuable than sharing a slogan.
Questions for a follow up vid: What if the person can't be forgiven? What if you can't forgive them? What are the best strategies for just letting that person go?
This is what worked well for me. Imagine the person that has hurt you. Imagine them in your own way in your mind. Imagine there is still a connection between you and him/her. Imagine this connection to be something light and easy, like a soft satin lint of fabric, or a thin electrical wire that is connection you to that person. Now cut that silk lint, or electrical wire. Or whatever you imagined and see that person drift away from you. This even works for intrusive thought, Just cut them loose. I would urge people to actually grab a sharp scissor and cut some thin soft cloth to experience what it feels like. If you have done it irl it might be easier to imagine. I must state, forgiving is NOT justifying what someone did! Forgiving is a choice to let go of the anger, hate, resentment and whatever feelings pop up. Many people they dont realise it is a choice they can make. Also I would say, LEARN how to forgive. Practice it. Give yourself space to learn and practice forgiving. Turn it into a skill rather than something you do to "get it over with". If you have forgiven someone but certain traumatic memories keep popping up, dive into the traumatic memories to see what still has to be forgiven. The main people in our traumas are easily identified. But I have found that certain background people can keep traumatic memories in place. Let me give an example. You had a narsicistic bf or gf. You broke up and have forgiven them, but certan memories keep popping up. What have you not forgiven in these memories yet? Maybe a friend who did not pick your side in certain moments? Forgive them too. Sometimes this is like identifying what a nightmare or dream is trying to tell you. It might take some analising. I have been learning to forgive over the past 3 months. And it takes work. You can do both the above at the same time also. Forgive them as you cut them loose. Take care❤
The way I look at forgiveness, when the action done is unforgivable, I’m not forgiving you for what you did, I’m forgiving myself for taking on the pain, resentment and anger I’m holding on to for your actions. I’m shifting that accountability to you and releasing me from it. Since I have no control over someone else actions, all I can do is control my reactions to your actions. When we allow that person to live rent free in our heads, traumatizing us over and over, we are the ones in control of that action. First we must love ourselves and tell us that is enough. We have suffered enough we have put ourself thru enough pain over this. Then forgive ourselves for extending the suffering of the pain, anger, resentment and all the messed situations that has caused our life’s because we give ourselves the grace that as humans, these are complex emotions and must be worked thru. So don’t think of it as forgiving them for the pain they gave you, forgive yourself for holding on to the pain when it no longer served its purpose to heal you and now only further harms you.
So hard to think about forgiveness for traumatizer! It’s so hard!!! It feels like I’m deceiving myself by thinking of forgiving. It feels like loosing a part of me!
I'm a counsellor and facilitate various psycho educational workshops. Whenever the topic of forgiveness comes up the attendees go to universal understanding from a biblical sense. It's an additional process to unwrap that knowledge and then speak on the therapeutic application and the benefits of this. But once they get it and start to work with it the transformation is immensely satisfying.
Thank you. I think this is the most balanced video on forgiveness I have ever seen. I'm very thankful that you approached it from a non-religious perspective. "Just forgive them" hasn't worked for me - ever. This video helps. I will watch it again to assimilate the concepts even more.
Thank you for this video. I've learnt that I'm already about halfway on a path of forgiving my (narcissistic) mother for neglecting and abusing me. Your tips have been very helpful. Would you consider making a video in the (near) future about how to deal with narcissistic parents or other family members? I've shut my mother out for about 10 years, but I would like to have some form of contact again. I assume she will probably never change. So there will always be a risk of her hurting me again. How do I set clear and healthy boundaries whilst still having contact with her?
This is extremely helpful.. I am just getting back on my feet after I lost my sister due to domestic violence AND a month after her passing my husband tried to kill me... I am on my healing journey and looking forward to completely letting go of the hurt and resentment... Your videos have been really helpful, I watch them everyday and it's transforming my brain bit by bit
Great video. I'm working with a client just now who is being pressured from all angles to "forgive" someone. I have been working with the sense of violation that external agendas being forced over the clients internal process creates. Forgiveness is deeply personal and your video beautifully describes how forgiveness can be part (and it isnt and doesn’t need to be a part for everyone) of the hearlling process.
Thank you for this!! !! I've been grappling with forgiveness of late. I have been in a 12 step program for 31 yrs. Forgiveness is pivitol and healing. However, I found that although I had dealt with my resentments and anger, acknowledged my part and others' part, i did not deal with my shame. Sadly that shame kept me bound to unhealthy behaviours of attachment and compulsion. So now, it has been like peeling an onion for me to see the source of my shame. It has been difficult to acknowledge I am not to 'blame' and to forgive me and I do know the healing importance of forgiveness for others and remain willing when the timing is right, for me.
I love this video. Yes forgiveness is a tricky one, and I struggle as a therapist, and a client. This video captures so much. Everything you said makes sense and is valuable. Thank you .
Thank you for this. As a religious person who was abused in childhood by a sibling and who has gotten the 'forgive and forget' sort of messages from my religion, it amazes me how superficial the understanding and explanation of the process can often be, and how much of a burden it places on the victim. It's almost as if "religious abuse" is added to the original abuse. Exhorting deeply hurt people to "just forgive" without providing them with real tools is not helpful or healing (yet I have a number of books on forgiveness - mostly written by religious people - that seem to do just that!) "Cheap forgiveness", like "cheap grace" maybe only serves to let the perpetrator off the hook of facing consequences. I allow for the possibility of miraculous emotional healings, but for the rest of us forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation is a difficult process, but one well worth learning. Even then some scars may remain, and that's just the reality of life. We need more on this topic.
Thank you! Sincerely, Thank you. I'm 64 and have Cptsd due to parental abuse. The issue of forgiveness has been so confusing to me. Your explanation has really helped to clarify. Watching from Australia
I can so deeply relate to this video! I need to get through this, but forgiving without change on the other person’s side is just not in me right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I think this video honestly and clearly illustrates true healing and forgiveness rather than the coerced and bloodless version that was modeled on me. Great video. Thank you
Thank you for bringing this up, Emma. Very empowering to recognize the need to validate one's feelings from painful experience and create safety. It usually takes some time to recover one's sense of dignity, a sense of justice and charity, health and energy before one can extend one's self to be able to address what the other needs to uphold and live a virtuous life.
Emma- love your upbeat, kind delivery of critical recovery topics. I rely on your videos to help those in crisis begin to recover. You are the best at what you do!😊
Whew! Emma this one was tricky. My feelings around forgiveness have been absolutely painted by some religious trauma: forgive everyone 7×7 ended with me enabling some terrible alcoholic behavior and it took me years to realize that I was not helping them or myself by mitigating the consequences of their bad behavior. Forgiveness can feel like a forced forgetting, like I'm somehow letting myself down and becoming vulnerable to abuse again. How will I know that I can trust myself to stay away from manipulation or being taken advantage of without my grudge to protect me? It's a lot to unpack! Thank you!
I have found that as I do the work and heal from the abuse of others, the anger and resentment have resolved themselves. I've never tried to not be angry. But I found ways to process the pain, hurt, shame, and anger, and those emotions left when I was offered, and learned to offer myself understanding, validation and love. I've also developed a deep understanding of narcissism (for those are the abusers in my life) and the understanding has also helped immensely. I've learned how every action is pervaded by their narcissism. I now see them as a snake of sorts. I lived with a wild creature whose habit is to strike out and bite. And I got bit. How can I hate the snake for doing what is in its nature? Between understanding and healing, I'm at a peaceful place. I don't wish them harm, I don't need an apology, I don't need to shout on a rooftop what they've done trying to find outside validation for the horrors I suffered, and my heart rate doesn't increase when I think about them. I feel fairly neutral toward them. This feels like "forgiveness" to me. And it just kind of happened.
This is beautiful, and I needed the reminder this week. In my experience forgiveness is not a one-and-done event, but it is a process and even a lifestyle. I think of it like weeding a garden. I may never be permanently “done” forgiving, but I still choose to pull the weeds when they come back because that’s easier than living with resentment growing out of control.
Thank you so much. I just went through these steps with resentment I've held for years and I truly feel lighter more in control rather than angry and guarded
Thank you, Emma. Thank *you* for being here.❤ This was SO helpful in this journey of understanding Forgiveness. I had grasped the part about stopping to replay the offense over n over again. The new point is: stop using the offense to excuse my negative behaviour. Instead, learn n take active steps towards the good life I dream of living. 🙏
I felt stuck after the acknowledging step, and thought I should be able to forgive after that. Turns out there is so much more work, and now I have a good idea how to move forward to heal. Thank you for your video.
Emma, Again, another powerful and solution based video that enriches our lives. You give us greater understanding to deep hurt and how to process and even forgive. These are necessary words of wisdom. As adults, we must learn and grow in this life. It's interesting how we can get 'stuck ' when we don't know how to accept and process hurt, as it leads to anger and builds to resentment. I had lived in ANGER for 5+ years. Please know your beautiful approaches to processing emotions has lead me down the path of forgiveness and better boundary setting. Thank you from the bottom of my heart as you have provided a "charity that never faileth" to all of us on the other side of your screen.
Thank you for posting this video. It helped me better understand forgiveness. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and am a survivor of childhood trauma.
Thank you for this video ❤. Forgiveness has been so hard for me throughout my life. I even had trauma therapy a few years back to address most of my pain from my parents. I've found that being a parent & going through all the different life stages of my children has continuely brought up emotions from my childhood & some things (painful memories) are so hard to let go of & it continuely effects me as this parent of mine wants to be a present Grandmother now to my kids & I'm so appreciative of that but I also get so resentful of the times I needed them & they weren't there for me.
It's so hard to forgive especially when the perpetrator plays the victim and put the blame on you, telling the world that you're lying. And the people pity the perpetrator while blaming the victim. And I thank you Dr. Emma for this. I had a hard time forgiving too. I forced myself to forgive because the people were telling me that I was wicked for not being able to forgive. The more I forced myself, the harder it was for me to forgive. It's not that I didn't want to. I just needed more time. It felt like the people invalidated my feelings. I was able to forgive after many years of battling mental issues. I am now doing well. And this video really helped me realized that the long process of forgiveness I went through was valid. And that I was not a bad person just because I couldn't forgive right away. I was released from that mindset 😊
This is a great video. I've been writing down my thoughts on many events that happened throughout my life that was caused by bad parenting and living my life undiagnosed with Autism. I wrote down so much that I now have an Autobiography that is currently over 80,000 words and rising. In the end, as I got my thoughts in order, I realized the point of my book wasn't to express my hate, but because I wanted to forgive. I want to forgive my parents, my teachers, and also myself. I want my life to me mine for once. No one else's. A lot of what you said is exactly what I realized as I came to this conclusion, so I'm glad I figured it out correctly.
I had a spiritual teacher that used a lot of clinical jargon on me and his audience (with no medical background.) It frustrated me that this person seemed like he wasn't aware. Then it angered me when I realized he was aware. Although I don't accept and I do believe his actions should be called out and stopped, I think I can find it in myself that I can forgive that we all make mistakes and we all get duped by our egos sometimes.
Thank you for this video. I struggle with how to relieve myself from resentment from an abusive marriage. I have set boundaries and I am safe. The anger rises from time to time and I don't blame myself. Just need to know how to progress from here.
Foisting forgiveness on a victim is a way to blame that victim for what happened to them and the state he/she in now. I forgive when someone asks for it and is genuinely sorry, and is mending their ways. Also intrusive thoughts don't mean that you hang on to resentment; they're just that, intrusive, random thoughts, you don't provoke them, they just happened; simply push them back and tell them NO, they don't belong in your life, out, out. Very good, nuanced video. Very helpful to all of us, victims and onlookers, witnesses.
Hi Emma, thank you for bringing the topic of forgiveness, I could not understand what to do in order to forget what has happened to me especially when there is such a devastating event happened in your life that may leave you paralysed and the only thoughts that come to your mind is vengeance or surrender to God. I didn't know what forgiveness is I still cannot comprehend what has happened to me some events in life is beyond forgiveness when the consiousness of the enviroment that has happened was so limited and what only keeps you alive is that someone. Is there to listen to you and confirm what has happened to you especially if everyone else gaslighted you and the only thing left of you is a glimpse of sanity to keep you alive rather thinking of forgiving someone. I think some events in life cannot be fathomed enough and the only thing that remains is hope for the individual that was traumatised to have a place to be heared even if it is the only thing that is left to do for what happened.
My wife just played this to me. It answers a lot. It sounds like a process I would very much benefit from. Interestingly I'm almost 50 and still in turmoil after childhood abuse. Anger and hated ( manly for myself) is very much my t shirt. My mind analog is horrifically derogatory to myself. In short I would love to learn more about this process
This is another great video, and came out when I needed. Feeling of anger, hate and fear is painful and I would like to try forgiveness for my own peace and safety.
I find that self forgiveness is different from forgiveness in a way, like with self blame the way forward is to forgive ourselves, the way to present it to someone new to therapy would be to explore the effects of self blame and when someone is ready to move away from the effects they may be ready to start forgiving themselves.
Love this lady her voice is so comforting and kind
Yes
I can sense Emma's genuine care for her fellow humans
She is the best! Clear explanation, actionable steps, no fake fluffy speech, soothing voice, lovely demeanour
I have been lucky enough to meet her in person, and she is just as wonderful as she seems on the videos. ❤
Thank you.
I have cptsd from childhood. I have no interest in sharing details, but my Aces score is 7. I cut contact with my family of origin 14 years ago when I was 40 after seeing them start to recreate behaviors from my childhood by targeting my child with them. I got us out of the situation, set some boundaries around contact, they violated all of them, so I cut all contact. I also ended up moving across the continent for incidental reasons, which helped with boundary keeping.
Even now, 14 years later, I get pressure from extended family, friends, and internet people to forgive them and seek reconciliation. When I think about forgiveness it feels unsafe, because not forgiving- keeping a kernel of that anger alive- is emotional fuel for maintaining the boundaries I have kept. It counterbalanced the guilt and shame I feel around cutting them off.
I expect when they are safely dead I will quell that anger and seriously consider forgiveness. In the meantime, I just don’t think about them all that often. My kiddo is off being successful in their early career, I am living a happy life, and the scars from my childhood are slowly fading with the help of therapy and the love and support of good people.
Keeping a small amount of anger alive as fuel to maintain your boundaries is a completely understandable adaptor. That anger is really useful in keeping you safe, in this instance, the value based action from it is to maintain your no contact boundaries. I salute your commitment to your welfare. ❤
@@TheMinimalistTherapist amen to that 🙏 💯
I’ve been waiting for a video like this Emma!. When it comes to forgiveness, if I don’t feel I can give it to the person who hurt me and refuses to apologise and change, I instead give myself the forgiveness 🙏
Forgiveness cant be forced on anyone but its a beautiful thing to have that kind of heart where the heart is free of anger and hate which consumes people.
Again it can't be forced on anyone but its better for everyone to have that forgiving heart, its up to the individual to try and find it within them if they want to.
I'm not trying to be religious neither or shove nothing down anyones throat but Jesus was the main influence for me to be forgiving and free of hate for any human.
Amen ❤
@JamesP44 Amen to that ❤
@@JamesP44 you shouldn't hold onto hatred but you should still hold people accountable for their actions, when dealing with bad people if you tell them "oh it's okay I forgive you" they will just take it as permission to continue abusing you.
Great approach. I agree.
Thanks so much for this video. I want to heal, i don't want to be filled with anger anymore, i just want peace. Thank you a lot ❤
This sentiment speaks for a lot of us 🙏 ❤
I’m a 51 year old man and I was abused when I was 6 or 7 years old. It has impacted my life greatly from anger issues, relationship problems, and wearing an armor around everyday! I’m tired of being this way!
Thanks for making this video! I’ve always had a tendency to intellectualize and forgive/understand people prematurely. I think because of this, a part of me continues to feel resentful while the rest of me scrambles to remain cool and rational. It’s hard work 😓
Thank you so much for this. I've been told my entire adult life that I should forgive my parents and it always made me feel totally dismissed and conflicted with my ability to stay safe from the people who hurt me. It's so freeing just to hear someone acknowledge that forgiveness doesn't have to be part of my healing process. I appreciate your sensitivity to this really nuanced subject, you're the first person in my experience to do so. You always show genuine empathy for victims of abuse and it means so so much.
Thank you! At the start of separating from my family, people would say I should forgive my mother because she is the only one I'll have. It felt invalidating towards everything I felt and I needed to feel my own power as I had it taken away from me for so long. So telling me to give up the power of "resentment" felt dismissing. I'm now in a place where I feel it is best to forgive my parents and move on with my life as the resentment is hurting me. I haven't spoken to them in over a year and understand they can never be the parents I need but I must let go of the resentment; for my sake. So this is where I am at; trying to find peace with my past and my decision to cut them out. Forgiving and accepting this is how it had to be.
I was in a similar situation. When ppl say "it's the only mam or dad you have", I reply what a pity that the only ones I have couldn't be real, caring parent. I'm not responsible for my parents' condescending attitude & abusive behaviour. It isn't fair to expect a child to fulfill parents' failed lives and missed goals.
This was brilliant! I have been beating myself up to forgive because I thought that was the only way to find peace. I was trying to force the peace I craved. When you talked about forgiveness being part of the process, not the beginning and not the end, I needed to hear that!! Thank you Emma.
What a compassionate and comprehensive collection of questions (and possible answers)! Equipment for a healthy life! Thank you.
This is what biblical forgiveness actually looks like. This is what God intended it to be. It’s all a journey. Thankyou for all your good work. God bless ❤
As a a childhood and teenage sexual assault survivor, this video is very freeing. I held resentment for years and it hurt as hell…
Thank you for shedding light on what forgiveness looks and feels like. I have been struggling for so long because I thought I had to reach a place where I could absolve the other person and maintain relationships like it hadn’t happened. I also believed that the best revenge is to live well. It’s not revenge, it’s release.
I feel strong enough to express my boundaries with your help
It was so hard to hear we use resentment as a way to punish others. But it only does damage to ourselves. I needed to hear that
I am saving this video to view again (and again and again?) . Thank you so much.
This was by far the most insightful, helpful videos (of your many excellent videos ), for me, personally. My priesthood leaders did every last thing wrong according to what you've spelled out here, and the damage has been long-lasting and excruciating to undo. "Forgive and forget. Tell absolutely nobody, not even a therapist. Stay with the abuser." THANK YOU!
😢😢
This is the best way to put forgiveness into perspective. I’ve always felt this way when it was used badly. Implying that you’re doing something wrong or you’re being unfair if you don’t forgive someone who treated you poorly is just so wrong
I appreciate how you tried to look at this from all angles. Not forgiving, not forgetting, hopefully protects me. I did a lot of of forgiving in my youth, and for all I forgave, it all happened again. I walked away from all those people and forgave them and myself for that mistake to only have all those horrible things happen again and again with different people. Being shamed by those I forgave for forgiving them, being shamed by those I gave trust to, for being so trusting has left a mark. I’m now middle aged, have been working on myself with therapy, coaching, trauma therapy, books, podcasts and what not for over 30 years. To have the same things happen, now, after all that work, all that time, all that money(self employed-no insurance) and all the collateral damage those betrayals cause(physical and mental breakdown and losing work from not being able to preform) I don’t feel I have enough time left to go where I have been trying to go, like there is no room for mistakes. I have not been able to forgive myself, for making that mistake, so many times, after all that effort to heal those things.
I wish so much for you to find comfort and forgive yourself.
I need to see this like 3 times. Sooo much good and powerful information packed into this video. I'm struggling with holding onto anger, but every time I let it go and forgive, it finds its way back somehow. Thank you for the very informative and spiritual approach to letting it go!
Thank you for this video (as always)! I remember very clearly the night I decided to forgive my abuser, when I had refused to do so until then, because he was forcing me to do so... After reading the definition in a dictionary, I realized forgiveness was not what he asked for and more about letting go of my rage and welcoming more comforting feelings than forgetting what he did. It allowed me to start focusing on myself instead...
Boy do i need this!!!
I'm still hurt for years and it really impacts me...
Thanks Emma ❤
Before watching this video I thought I knew the value of forgiveness, and I was not wrong. But having watched this video I am now wiser about sharing my perspective. I better appreciate that listening first, and empathizing with another, is the prerequisite to giving advice. The best advice comes from within. Guiding another to finding for themselves the peace that forgiveness offers is so much more valuable than sharing a slogan.
Questions for a follow up vid:
What if the person can't be forgiven? What if you can't forgive them? What are the best strategies for just letting that person go?
Such a good question!
This is what worked well for me.
Imagine the person that has hurt you. Imagine them in your own way in your mind. Imagine there is still a connection between you and him/her. Imagine this connection to be something light and easy, like a soft satin lint of fabric, or a thin electrical wire that is connection you to that person.
Now cut that silk lint, or electrical wire. Or whatever you imagined and see that person drift away from you.
This even works for intrusive thought, Just cut them loose.
I would urge people to actually grab a sharp scissor and cut some thin soft cloth to experience what it feels like. If you have done it irl it might be easier to imagine.
I must state, forgiving is NOT justifying what someone did!
Forgiving is a choice to let go of the anger, hate, resentment and whatever feelings pop up.
Many people they dont realise it is a choice they can make.
Also I would say, LEARN how to forgive. Practice it. Give yourself space to learn and practice forgiving.
Turn it into a skill rather than something you do to "get it over with".
If you have forgiven someone but certain traumatic memories keep popping up, dive into the traumatic memories to see what still has to be forgiven. The main people in our traumas are easily identified. But I have found that certain background people can keep traumatic memories in place.
Let me give an example.
You had a narsicistic bf or gf.
You broke up and have forgiven them, but certan memories keep popping up. What have you not forgiven in these memories yet? Maybe a friend who did not pick your side in certain moments? Forgive them too.
Sometimes this is like identifying what a nightmare or dream is trying to tell you. It might take some analising.
I have been learning to forgive over the past 3 months. And it takes work.
You can do both the above at the same time also. Forgive them as you cut them loose.
Take care❤
The way I look at forgiveness, when the action done is unforgivable, I’m not forgiving you for what you did, I’m forgiving myself for taking on the pain, resentment and anger I’m holding on to for your actions. I’m shifting that accountability to you and releasing me from it. Since I have no control over someone else actions, all I can do is control my reactions to your actions. When we allow that person to live rent free in our heads, traumatizing us over and over, we are the ones in control of that action. First we must love ourselves and tell us that is enough. We have suffered enough we have put ourself thru enough pain over this. Then forgive ourselves for extending the suffering of the pain, anger, resentment and all the messed situations that has caused our life’s because we give ourselves the grace that as humans, these are complex emotions and must be worked thru. So don’t think of it as forgiving them for the pain they gave you, forgive yourself for holding on to the pain when it no longer served its purpose to heal you and now only further harms you.
Like forgive yourself for holding on the pain.
@@PamelaBlevins-ct3se
So hard to think about forgiveness for traumatizer! It’s so hard!!! It feels like I’m deceiving myself by thinking of forgiving.
It feels like loosing a part of me!
I'm a counsellor and facilitate various psycho educational workshops. Whenever the topic of forgiveness comes up the attendees go to universal understanding from a biblical sense. It's an additional process to unwrap that knowledge and then speak on the therapeutic application and the benefits of this. But once they get it and start to work with it the transformation is immensely satisfying.
Thank you. I think this is the most balanced video on forgiveness I have ever seen. I'm very thankful that you approached it from a non-religious perspective. "Just forgive them" hasn't worked for me - ever. This video helps. I will watch it again to assimilate the concepts even more.
Thank you for this video.
I've learnt that I'm already about halfway on a path of forgiving my (narcissistic) mother for neglecting and abusing me. Your tips have been very helpful.
Would you consider making a video in the (near) future about how to deal with narcissistic parents or other family members?
I've shut my mother out for about 10 years, but I would like to have some form of contact again. I assume she will probably never change. So there will always be a risk of her hurting me again. How do I set clear and healthy boundaries whilst still having contact with her?
This is extremely helpful.. I am just getting back on my feet after I lost my sister due to domestic violence AND a month after her passing my husband tried to kill me... I am on my healing journey and looking forward to completely letting go of the hurt and resentment... Your videos have been really helpful, I watch them everyday and it's transforming my brain bit by bit
Beautifully spoken . Thank you for sharing .
Great video. I'm working with a client just now who is being pressured from all angles to "forgive" someone. I have been working with the sense of violation that external agendas being forced over the clients internal process creates. Forgiveness is deeply personal and your video beautifully describes how forgiveness can be part (and it isnt and doesn’t need to be a part for everyone) of the hearlling process.
Thank you for this!! !! I've been grappling with forgiveness of late. I have been in a 12 step program for 31 yrs. Forgiveness is pivitol and healing. However, I found that although I had dealt with my resentments and anger, acknowledged my part and others' part, i did not deal with my shame. Sadly that shame kept me bound to unhealthy behaviours of attachment and compulsion. So now, it has been like peeling an onion for me to see the source of my shame. It has been difficult to acknowledge I am not to 'blame' and to forgive me and I do know the healing importance of forgiveness for others and remain willing when the timing is right, for me.
You are the best! Thank you so much! And God bless.
I love this video. Yes forgiveness is a tricky one, and I struggle as a therapist, and a client. This video captures so much. Everything you said makes sense and is valuable. Thank you .
I have no idea what I would look like, without all this pain. 😞
Thank you for this. As a religious person who was abused in childhood by a sibling and who has gotten the 'forgive and forget' sort of messages from my religion, it amazes me how superficial the understanding and explanation of the process can often be, and how much of a burden it places on the victim. It's almost as if "religious abuse" is added to the original abuse. Exhorting deeply hurt people to "just forgive" without providing them with real tools is not helpful or healing (yet I have a number of books on forgiveness - mostly written by religious people - that seem to do just that!) "Cheap forgiveness", like "cheap grace" maybe only serves to let the perpetrator off the hook of facing consequences. I allow for the possibility of miraculous emotional healings, but for the rest of us forgiveness, healing, and reconciliation is a difficult process, but one well worth learning. Even then some scars may remain, and that's just the reality of life. We need more on this topic.
Best to take guidance from a trained psychologist rather than others in a church I think.
Thank you! Sincerely, Thank you. I'm 64 and have Cptsd due to parental abuse. The issue of forgiveness has been so confusing to me. Your explanation has really helped to clarify. Watching from Australia
Thank you. This arrived at the right moment
I can so deeply relate to this video! I need to get through this, but forgiving without change on the other person’s side is just not in me right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
This amazing woman and her videos are helping my mental health immensely. I am so appreciative of this. Thank you Emma.
I think this video honestly and clearly illustrates true healing and forgiveness rather than the coerced and bloodless version that was modeled on me. Great video. Thank you
So many nuggets of wisdom in such a short amount of time. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for bringing this up, Emma. Very empowering to recognize the need to validate one's feelings from painful experience and create safety. It usually takes some time to recover one's sense of dignity, a sense of justice and charity, health and energy before one can extend one's self to be able to address what the other needs to uphold and live a virtuous life.
Emma- love your upbeat, kind delivery of critical recovery topics. I rely on your videos to help those in crisis begin to recover. You are the best at what you do!😊
Whew! Emma this one was tricky. My feelings around forgiveness have been absolutely painted by some religious trauma: forgive everyone 7×7 ended with me enabling some terrible alcoholic behavior and it took me years to realize that I was not helping them or myself by mitigating the consequences of their bad behavior. Forgiveness can feel like a forced forgetting, like I'm somehow letting myself down and becoming vulnerable to abuse again. How will I know that I can trust myself to stay away from manipulation or being taken advantage of without my grudge to protect me? It's a lot to unpack! Thank you!
I have found that as I do the work and heal from the abuse of others, the anger and resentment have resolved themselves. I've never tried to not be angry. But I found ways to process the pain, hurt, shame, and anger, and those emotions left when I was offered, and learned to offer myself understanding, validation and love. I've also developed a deep understanding of narcissism (for those are the abusers in my life) and the understanding has also helped immensely. I've learned how every action is pervaded by their narcissism. I now see them as a snake of sorts. I lived with a wild creature whose habit is to strike out and bite. And I got bit. How can I hate the snake for doing what is in its nature? Between understanding and healing, I'm at a peaceful place. I don't wish them harm, I don't need an apology, I don't need to shout on a rooftop what they've done trying to find outside validation for the horrors I suffered, and my heart rate doesn't increase when I think about them. I feel fairly neutral toward them. This feels like "forgiveness" to me. And it just kind of happened.
Yes it helps to understand what's behind some abusers.
Thanks Ms. Emma. Always love anytime I can listen to your wisdom.
This is beautiful, and I needed the reminder this week. In my experience forgiveness is not a one-and-done event, but it is a process and even a lifestyle. I think of it like weeding a garden. I may never be permanently “done” forgiving, but I still choose to pull the weeds when they come back because that’s easier than living with resentment growing out of control.
Thank you so much. I just went through these steps with resentment I've held for years and I truly feel lighter more in control rather than angry and guarded
Thank you, Emma. Thank *you* for being here.❤
This was SO helpful in this journey of understanding Forgiveness.
I had grasped the part about stopping to replay the offense over n over again.
The new point is: stop using the offense to excuse my negative behaviour. Instead, learn n take active steps towards the good life I dream of living. 🙏
Thanks, lots of good stuff in there! Keep it up
Thanks Emma. Very helpful.
I felt stuck after the acknowledging step, and thought I should be able to forgive after that. Turns out there is so much more work, and now I have a good idea how to move forward to heal. Thank you for your video.
I think it depends what one's understanding of _forgiveness_ is, which may not be the same for everyone.
Thank You.
Thank you! Reviewing and taking notes. You are so thoughtful and insightful.
Thank you for all the effort you are doing! 🌹
The concept of ' forgiveness ' is kindly and nicely expressed. Thanks Emma👍👍❤️❤️
Thank you💜💜💜
Thank you so much this has been so helpful.
I wish everyone could be in AA .
It's a program that makes so much sense in regards to forgiveness
Thank you Emma 🌷
Thankyou
Emma,
Again, another powerful and solution based video that enriches our lives. You give us greater understanding to deep hurt and how to process and even forgive. These are necessary words of wisdom. As adults, we must learn and grow in this life. It's interesting how we can get 'stuck ' when we don't know how to accept and process hurt, as it leads to anger and builds to resentment. I had lived in ANGER for 5+ years. Please know your beautiful approaches to processing emotions has lead me down the path of forgiveness and better boundary setting.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart as you have provided a "charity that never faileth" to all of us on the other side of your screen.
Thank you for posting this video. It helped me better understand forgiveness. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and am a survivor of childhood trauma.
Thank you Emma may God bless your work🙏
Thank you for this video ❤.
Forgiveness has been so hard for me throughout my life. I even had trauma therapy a few years back to address most of my pain from my parents.
I've found that being a parent & going through all the different life stages of my children has continuely brought up emotions from my childhood & some things (painful memories) are so hard to let go of & it continuely effects me as this parent of mine wants to be a present Grandmother now to my kids & I'm so appreciative of that but I also get so resentful of the times I needed them & they weren't there for me.
I love how you highlighted the divide between forgiveness and reconciliation. Great info, and great approach to such a tough topic!
Thank you for this insightful session. Powerful and clear.🙏🏼
It's so hard to forgive especially when the perpetrator plays the victim and put the blame on you, telling the world that you're lying. And the people pity the perpetrator while blaming the victim.
And I thank you Dr. Emma for this. I had a hard time forgiving too. I forced myself to forgive because the people were telling me that I was wicked for not being able to forgive. The more I forced myself, the harder it was for me to forgive. It's not that I didn't want to. I just needed more time. It felt like the people invalidated my feelings. I was able to forgive after many years of battling mental issues. I am now doing well. And this video really helped me realized that the long process of forgiveness I went through was valid. And that I was not a bad person just because I couldn't forgive right away. I was released from that mindset 😊
great topic. thanks for sharing
I'm I the only one who would like Emma as a friend?
Nope not the only one. Feel like I know her already ❤
This is something I really need to sit with ❤
Thank you for this 😊
Great video. Thanks Emma.
6:23 YES! thank you for saying this
This is a great video.
I've been writing down my thoughts on many events that happened throughout my life that was caused by bad parenting and living my life undiagnosed with Autism. I wrote down so much that I now have an Autobiography that is currently over 80,000 words and rising.
In the end, as I got my thoughts in order, I realized the point of my book wasn't to express my hate, but because I wanted to forgive. I want to forgive my parents, my teachers, and also myself. I want my life to me mine for once. No one else's.
A lot of what you said is exactly what I realized as I came to this conclusion, so I'm glad I figured it out correctly.
Thank you soooo much Emma. ❤
Emma you’re the best! Thank you for all your helpful videos 💛
I had a spiritual teacher that used a lot of clinical jargon on me and his audience (with no medical background.) It frustrated me that this person seemed like he wasn't aware. Then it angered me when I realized he was aware. Although I don't accept and I do believe his actions should be called out and stopped, I think I can find it in myself that I can forgive that we all make mistakes and we all get duped by our egos sometimes.
Thanks so much for this video and the insight not to leap straight in to fix or save the other.
Thank you for these insights into an important topic! I have to process this a bit.
I love this Video, thank you Emma! It's so practical with all the steps!
Thanks so much for this video ♥.
Thank you for this video. I struggle with how to relieve myself from resentment from an abusive marriage. I have set boundaries and I am safe. The anger rises from time to time and I don't blame myself. Just need to know how to progress from here.
Wow 💔. Thank you. I’m going to try this.
Thank you
I needed to hear this.
He bless you.
Thank you so much.
Loved this! Can you do a deeper dive on it?
Thanks!
THANK YOU 🙏🏼✝️
Thanks
Foisting forgiveness on a victim is a way to blame that victim for what happened to them and the state he/she in now. I forgive when someone asks for it and is genuinely sorry, and is mending their ways.
Also intrusive thoughts don't mean that you hang on to resentment; they're just that, intrusive, random thoughts, you don't provoke them, they just happened; simply push them back and tell them NO, they don't belong in your life, out, out.
Very good, nuanced video. Very helpful to all of us, victims and onlookers, witnesses.
Nutshell 😊. Emma😊. Clearly outlined beneficial work which can be done.
Can't wait to hear this!
Hi Emma, thank you for bringing the topic of forgiveness, I could not understand what to do in order to forget what has happened to me especially when there is such a devastating event happened in your life that may leave you paralysed and the only thoughts that come to your mind is vengeance or surrender to God. I didn't know what forgiveness is I still cannot comprehend what has happened to me some events in life is beyond forgiveness when the consiousness of the enviroment that has happened was so limited and what only keeps you alive is that someone. Is there to listen to you and confirm what has happened to you especially if everyone else gaslighted you and the only thing left of you is a glimpse of sanity to keep you alive rather thinking of forgiving someone. I think some events in life cannot be fathomed enough and the only thing that remains is hope for the individual that was traumatised to have a place to be heared even if it is the only thing that is left to do for what happened.
My wife just played this to me. It answers a lot. It sounds like a process I would very much benefit from. Interestingly I'm almost 50 and still in turmoil after childhood abuse. Anger and hated ( manly for myself) is very much my t shirt. My mind analog is horrifically derogatory to myself. In short I would love to learn more about this process
❤ Thank-You for this video.
This is another great video, and came out when I needed. Feeling of anger, hate and fear is painful and I would like to try forgiveness for my own peace and safety.
I find that self forgiveness is different from forgiveness in a way, like with self blame the way forward is to forgive ourselves, the way to present it to someone new to therapy would be to explore the effects of self blame and when someone is ready to move away from the effects they may be ready to start forgiving themselves.