What Happens When There Are Multiple Disclosures Part Two
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- Опубликовано: 18 мар 2019
- Today Samuel continues his discussion with MJ Denis on the traumatic effects of infidelity and multiple disclosures.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Multiple disclosures through out ones healing process can be extremely traumatic. Thank you for this video
The hyper vigilance is absolutely out of this world for me at this point.
When I initially found out I threw up.. and then lost my appetite for a week. I essentially started fasting... when I did eat my first real meal I couldn't hold it. I'm 3 weeks out from d day and I can't even remember what restful sleep is let alone have it. My mother in law kinda shamed me today essentially saying I should be over it by now. And that I seemed bi polar.. I had to hang up so I wouldn't say something I would regret. Her son did this to me and now I'm just trying to pick up the pieces..🤦♀️🙄
It hurts so bad
That MIL is a monster … her sons shameful acts are wrong and your healing will take years … shame on her and her son
I am 2 weeks from my d day … I am still barely eating or sleeping … please focus on you right now and find a healthy outlet for your stress … I just start dancing to really great music to handle all my feelings … I have solo dance parties 🤪🤪 the physical exertion is helpful … good luck
I’m a betrayer and I’m so so sorry. It is not you. Have the courage to reach out and surround yourself with those who support you.
I have had 6 Ddays in 2 years. And by ddays I mean the discovery of another affair partner he had in his 4.5 years of cheating. The disclosure never came from him...he lied to the end! I became a private investigator and discovered everything on my own. The devastation of each discovery is like a shotgun blast to the chest. I have zero respect and zero trust in him. My self esteem is gone and I second guess every decision I make. I'm exhausted all the time, sleeping 13 hrs on my days off. I look back at the conversations I had with him asking what was going on and if he was seeing someone... wondering why I didn't investigate!!
I trusted him and trusted him to be honest when I asked.
I don't know how to help myself. I have so many resentments against him.
it's completely understandable my friend. it appears it's best to work on you and your own healing. it's time to prioritize you and your own well being mentally and emotionally.
Wow, she is amazing. Thank you for having her.
she is a gift to all of us that is for sure.
Thank you. I am in tears and trying to heal by myself. My husband dismisses what I am feel. He says he will not feel like shit for what he did and I need to stop talking about it. This has helped me so much
I thank you so much. I’ve felt horrible the last week. Completely useless. As I was cheated on by my wife. Your videos and advice have helped me cope with all of this tremendously. Y’all don’t know how important you are. Thank you so much.
Me too!!!
My husband’s affair has shattered my foundation. He has minimized the affair by saying he does not and has never loved the AP. That bothers me. Maybe because it says to me he was willing to jeopardize US for something insignificant. His affair lasted 7 months, is it possible to not have deep emotions for the AP?
Marlyn Molina that’s a hard one for me too. What’s easier to handle? That they loved somebody else and that I’m easily replaced or that I’m so little to them they’d crush me for somebody they didn’t even love? I see where you’re coming from and I don’t honestly know what I’d rather hear because I heard the same from my husband as you heard from yours.
Ditto for me
My husband says he never had feelings for ap too. My husbands affair lasted for 2 years. He called her babe Says he wasn’t interested in her she was interested in him. The messages was nasty and she sent him nasty photos he seen her all the time but swears he never had sex with her. But messages say they did. He swears is was only talk none of this makes sense to me. How can you say you never had sex but messages say you did. I can’t move on cuz I can’t get the truth.
@@jensbornagain I’m 10 years out and STILL won’t get the truth from him. Heal yourself. If I had to do it again, I would of left right away but we had small children and I thought of their lives over mine. I won’t fully trust him ever again. If he can risk my life I don’t mean much to him so it became my responsibility to protect myself!
Since I was a kid I've been diagnosed with general anxiety and psychosomatic disorders. So for me, D-day and this past 7 months, are the worst time of my life. I'm trying meditation (yoga), psychiatrist (meds), and physical sports (marcial arts and gym). I feel it's getting better, but like you said, grief is not lineal, some days are worse than the days before. I hope I'll get heal someday.
You WILL heal! I'm already claiming it for you. I'm 9 months in and I too have started martial arts. Just know you're not alone and others have come out the other side
Andrea C.I.C. I hear ya. Best wishes to you and remember you’ve got it in you to learn and improve your quality of life.
This is good because I thought I was maybe losing it a little bit. I have experienced so many d days and have found out the d days I experienced were not even truth and I still don’t know what happened. When I found out it was all still a lie I broke down and hid in my closet. I turned off the lights and surrounded myself with pillows and put myself in a little box. I didn’t understand why it made me feel so much better to do that. Glad I’m not crazy lol
Alizabeth Massing completely understand what you’re saying. Hope you’re feeling better today.
I understand you.
Wish i’d have learned some of these things before i ruined my life because of my reaction to hearing the most devastating news i could have ever imagined.
I was always taught to, no matter what, never take God out of a situation. I appreciate the knowledge expressed here and I’m sure thousands have eventually been healed from these tactics.
What I’m not hearing is the benefit of being in God’s prescience that brings peace.
I understand that you can’t just “forgive and forget” and that things like soothing music, certain foods, etc can help.
It just seems that these solutions apart from God’s intervention is overlooking the most important part of the healing process.
And at what point does the labels of “the betrayed” and the “unfaithful” no longer apply and they start to see themselves as children of God and truth be told, in need of forgiveness?
My knowledge of God and his word is what gave life to my forgiveness for my wife's actions. Knowing he forgives us and tells us to forgive each other put things into perspective. 1st Corinthians description of love helped out a ton as well.
I suffered broken heart syndrome because of d day. It has made recovery that much more difficult because I dont have to be triggered for my heart to have an episode of irregular heart beats that's are alarming in and of themselves. But they in and of themselves are triggering of why I am in this situation and nothing makes me want to lash out more in rage than having heart troubles when I am only 33! 6 month out from d day and I am still being effected. I wish my husbands affair partner knew what she had a part in doing to me.
I loved your practical advice about comforts like tactile and a delicious food. I was having a very hard day today and i remembered I had some shrimp. I love shrimp. So as I ate it, I felt way better, even if temporarily.
Also, I wanted to say what an inspiration Samuel is. My husband and I have been watching these videos together and he has been focusing more on my safety and has been growing and learning about what we are going through. I think coming from an educated man who has been there has been huge for him. I seriously thank you because these are the videos that have been saving me and my husband the most ♥️
so glad the videos are helping and so appreciative of the kind words.
MJ is very helpful!!! I wish I had a therapist this good. I have been struggling for so long! My spouse revealed to me his affair in May of 2018. Then again in December 2018 I caught more secrets and found emails that proved it wasn’t over. I found out again in March 2019 that more was still going on!!! My spouse refused to commit to our marriage and moved out in June in 2019 telling me it was the only way to work on our marriage. 3 weeks later he tells me he wants a divorce. He continues to drag out a divorce and tells me he loves me and doesn’t really want a divorce but still refuses to commit to no contact with affair partner. I feel so sick, angry, and hurt!!!! I have definitely become hyper vigilant!!! Feeling no safe place ever!!!!
What can let go to not know all the truth. If the unfaithful does not accept more than I discovered maybe because he is scared or shamed or angry.. I will never know how many women, how many atrocities... Should I accept that, how can I stop getting angry and betrayed for the lack of trust In The partner?? I feel disrespected and disappointed more because of that.. Like I am being fooled every day
Gisela Martinez he needs to firstly OWN UP and lay it out what you need to know. I do believe there are instances when someone doesn’t need to know WVERYTHING. LIke when it has no way of benefiting or help heal either partner and it can only HURT. If it’s still occurring and an ongoing thing then that’s something else. They need to STOP contact w that person completely and own up. If he isn’t willing and ready to own up and/or stop doing it then you guys will never get past it and heal.
But...I’m no doctor by any means. I have read and learned a lot about ptsd and psychological effects of infidelity (trauma) combine infidelity with pre existing ptsd and it becomes even more complex. But completely manageable if well informed and make the effort.
I am one of those people that does not sleep. I haven't had a good nights sleep in over 2.5 years. I wished I could it would help me so much. Reflux same here and other things lol.
here is a blog post i wrote on Elle's blog about insomnia and help for you: betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2019/02/rx-for-when-you-cant-sleep.html
Thank you, Samuel, for this video with MJ Denis. I have never felt more understood after 4.5 years since Dday and ensuing multiple disclosures, including some more today. When you had MJ address the betrayed, I couldn’t stop crying. My pastors have been so judgmental even though he has consistently been a pathological liar, he seems like a nice guy, so they believe him and not me. I have gone through two counselors who couldn’t help me with EMDR because he was traumatizing me on a weekly basis. I can truly say that it’s only God who has kept me alive through this level of pain and suffering. Although I have gone from sleeping 7-8 hours a night to 4-5, rarely 6. I was in perfect health; now I am on two BP meds, sometimes even 3 as the doctors cannot control the spikes in my blood pressure and a tranquilizer. I have isolated from friends and family as there’s no way they understand why I am still with him. He tells me he loves me, but I am in so much pain, I cannot cope.
Thank you Samuel and your guest. , but will you have any more interviews with unfaithful wives? Or betrayed husbands?
There is nothing that can help your soul you are always waiting for them to do it again I have been here before and the hert that never go's away I have been here for 40years and I will always have to eat it he is selfish I am 56 and put up with all I am willing to go through this is to much for me and I love God and he has my back and that's all I need
Listening to the woman speak to me at the end... was very touching. It brought me to tears.
I watched your other videos a year ago and rewatched them today and it's still as real today as it was back then. Honestly I love her and care about her but kids are the only reason I haven't ran the other way.
Also worth noting is that eating disorders are common when dealing with betrayal trauma. It’s something we can control, which is something we desperately want when the rest of our life is falling apart due to infidelity.
My unfaithful ...literally became very ill for months....body fevers joint pain ...migraines etc. Doctors couldnt explain it
Ten months ago my spouse suffered an aortic dissection. He survived and has been doing well. After his release from the hospital he began going to church and became born again. This put a difficult spin on our relationship as I am an atheist. Four months after this we had been having an evening discussion that was civil, friendly and even a little fun regarding religion and ethics etc. This discussion started to take a turn to the more personal and serious and me telling him that I thought he was a better person, a kind and caring person, before his turn towards religion. He looked at me and stated he knows I think this bit that he has to tell me why this is not true and why he needs the lord. He then disclosed that he has had multiple affairs in the first 4 years of our marriage (married for 17 years). Four days after this disclosure, he went for a follow up ct scan and 3 aortic aneurysms were discovered. It has been a rough and traumatic ten months. I thought I was beginning to get to a place of healing, not perfect but getting there, but yesterday found myself triggered all over again with what I call the mind movies and picturing the acts. Now I can’t even look at him again.
i'm so very sorry my friend. that's awful.
Since DDay for me in 2021, then 2022, then 2023… I can’t eat. Like, my mouth and body does not let me eat food!!! So many other things as well, obviously… but that’s a frustrating one. 20yr marriage, 3 kids. My heart and soul and mind are destroyed. 😢 Thank you so much for these videos.🙏🏻
This was wonderful. Will you ever talk about sexual abuse as a child and how that affects future relationships? I’m having a hard time trying to understand my partner who was the betrayer. It’s been his secret for so long and I only found out because he ended up cheating on me and just told me everything and how he thinks the abuse attributed to the way he views intimacy and his addiction to online dating/porn sites. I don’t want to minimize his pain but I also want to know how to handle both of our traumas so I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I tell him how I feel for the infidelity without triggering him to do it again.
I was stroke alerted at work, memory and neurological deficits, severe panic and anxiety attacks, insomnia, oversleeping occasionally, binging and starving it is awful 😞 and I had to seek help thank God I survived but I feel permanently broken in so many ways while I suffered two car accidents and many other health things that were already present 🤦🏻♀️ so many worst days of my life and then remembering every detail I forced myself to find because I could never get the truth without having to go to extremes. Mindfulness self compassion is what I’ve been using but we were still up and down trying to work on ourselves separately then being fearful because he’s back far away again, yet I knew about the times he was talking to ppl right in my face or when I was around how worthless and stupid I feel.
Is there hope for a relationship where the betrayed spouse has mentioned divorce for years (nearly 2 decades), but never acted on it ... but has declined help consistently? And on D-Day was "serious" about divorce (nearly 2 years ago), but never filed, and then also has consistently since then declined help? I am the unfaithful spouse and have done everything I can to get help, make changes and be as supportive as possible. I'm at a complete loss.
unfortunately, there isn't much help unless the spouse decides to stop doing that, stop threatening and get expert help. maybe they have ptsd? maybe they are suffering from trauma and they don't know how to break free? that being said, if they refuse to get help and refuse to take action....there comes a point where you have to ask yourself, is what we have good enough? if not, perhaps if they won't get help, the next step is a separation and moving towards a divorce. there is only so much one spouse can do.
Thank you for these videos. Everything your talking about is what I went through. I couldn't figure out the emotions and depression and sadness. It all makes sense now. MY partner thought he was actually talking with Jennifer Aniston. I found a WhatsApp conversation everyday from NOv. 1-8 morning and night. He was being groomed until she asked for $200 gift card. But the conversation was ridiculous. I confronted him and all he had to say was that he was ashamed. I have lost 80% of the respect I had for him, he is trying really hard to rebuild our relationship but I can't get over the Jekyll and Hyde he was for 2 years. He doesn't think it's healthy for me to keep digging up old information.
you left out the part about how trauma will cause suicidal thoughts or attempts : /
See it like this
When multiple disclosures happen you can be sure that its a them problem and nothing wrong with the betrayed .
You know that your cheaters is having problems with commitment.
I got diagnosed with SIBO after a few disclosures and I’m 200% confident it was due to the betrayals
It is so sad to recognize in myself so many, if not all to some degree, of these effects repetitively for the last 21 year’s. Never experienced a “disclosure” per say, rather I would end up discovering another betrayal by accident usually. However prior to this last time he has never admitted to anything that wasn’t evident per whatever hard-proof I had discovered, not one thing, ever. Until this last time, however once again he admitted to nothing additional to what was evident in what I had found but did actually explain part of why/what he did in regards to what I found. Nothing more though, again. I do not believe him yet he swears and has sworn for 3 months now. But because this has continued for over 21 years through so many discoveries I just cannot imagine believing that there isn’t more! What goes through my head is “how could I have possibly just accidentally happened upon absolutely EVERY TIME/OCCASION all by coincidence? How on earth could there not be more, like every other time for more than 21 year’s?” While the climate or attitude has certainly changed I simply cannot bring myself to believe him again.
As an unfaithful who had a year long affair and their spouse is now questioning all moments I have been around any males.. how do I handle this? I totally can appreciate where he is coming from, I am slightly offended that he thinks I would throw myself at any person who'd have me but I mean I can't remember the times he talks about (my affair was about 4.5 years ago and he found out about 4 months ago) but because I can't remember these insignificant things (to me not to him) how do I help him feel safe when I'm telling him that nothing happened without it seeming like I'm just denying everything?
i would continue to reaffirm. and continue to answer his questions without any defensiveness as best you can. continue to be open and gracious with him and please understand, all he knows about you and your past and your marriage is in question. it's normal to respond that way.
I wish I could share these videos with my husband, but he doesn't understand English well, and I haven't found anything similar in his mother tongue. I could try to explain this to him myself, but it is very difficult for me as I am the betrayed one
If he wants to work on your marriage, how about you demand to him that he learns English. If he refuses then tell him he’ll be a divorced and broke man. If you have any children that he’ll only see them during supervising visits since he’s shown bad judgment in his actions. Then once he’s where you want him to be as far as language or anything else then you show him these videos. Also since he wants to disrespect you so badly you can ask him to write an essay on what the videos says and what he’s learned from them.
I'm dealing with finding out about multiple affairs over a 36 yr marrige.with best friend's women in church
If at any point you ever mentioned the effects of multiple disclosures, I didn’t hear it-
My husband and I separated 38 years ago I felt at the time like a walkaway wife! We almost divorced but we got back together I Well he was like oh God don’t leave! I felt I had no choice that he was just not gonna change help me make things. I had no friends because during our marriage I was at home cooking cleaning, washing clothes, taking care of children cutting grass, painting the house whatever. I have no life neither did he. he worked never had time for us with sexual issues me feeling not loved and I talked to him till I was blue in the face that we were having issues and he was just telling me how I was coming up with all this in my mind and whatever.. So fast forward feels the need to tell me that he had this affair now 38 years have gone by. I’m devastated I’m 61 years old. What’s worse is four years after this when he’s telling me about he had another affair and brought something back with him so he couldn’t get out of that one. So then he was blaming me for his affairs if you hadn’t if said this and that and made me this and this I would’ve done this. My thing is I didn’t have a vote I would’ve voted no on an affair. I feel because he lied 38 years ago he took my choices away from me as to whether I wanted to stay with him or leave, weather I wanted to have sex. he had unprotected sex I should’ve had a choice.. I feel the pain is so devastating because I feel he has taken 38 years and tainted every memory with our children, our life, every holiday everything is just wiped away and tainted my entire life except for my childhood and teenage years is just gone. I was going through the one affair and he’s hiding another. Is this normal for me to feel that I can’t get back the 38 years? Is this normal for me to feel that he took my choices away from me for my life for the 38 years. He sleep with someone I thought was a friend. I can’t look forward because I feel at my age I haven’t enough time to recover in my life. Any advice would be helpful visions are awful and dreams.
This is actually Tara. I just wanted to send you some love. My D day happened 2 days ago, we have been together 26 years and have a 6 year old boy. I am 42. I have spent most of everyday trying to do things that would make him happy. A clean house, meals, yard work, taking care of my son. Every moment there is a new thought, how can I support us? Who can I call if I get a flat tire? Will anyone ever love me again? Now my son doesn't get to experience his Mom and Dad together... It is all just so devastating. He has been an all day thought in my head for 26 years, like you said, I have no memories that don't include him, except for childhood. Every dream for the future is crushed. I know I am younger, but I feel your pain with you. Love to you.
See the reply under Jeffcollins. I meant to reply to you.
What is your advice once you realize that the unfaithful spouse is gaslighting the disclosure? Do you rule out gaslighting before you tell the betrayed partner that it’s all in their head? Do you educate the gaslighter of what is happening to the betrayed to let them use it to exploit? How do you know when someone is gaslighting the disclosure and or it’s just trauma responses from the betrayed?
i'm not sure i'm following exactly what you're describing and what the situation is like. i don't want to play armchair youtube therapist to you j man and frustrate you. you're welcome to try and be a bit more clearer on the scenario or if you like, maybe consult your own therapist.
Overcoming Infidelity in my experience and working with other abuse survivors, the gaslighter will use the information of trauma to further discredit their victim. Imagine finding out more betrayal and the unfaithful says “oh honey, you know what the trauma specialist says about how your brain is running these scenarios through your head.” Or telling friends and family “the doctor says that this is normal because of the trauma but don’t listen to him or her, it’s just normal.”
If I think that disclosure is not necessary for me, am I deceiving myself? If I can save myself from knowing enough details that I don't have that trauma?. I have always blacked out during trauma. Would I remember what I hear or saw? I think I do, sometimes I think remember some things that happened but am not sure.
Thank you ♡
It's gotten less severe but hasn't recovered since. He also has a baby now from the affair. I don't know that it's recoverable ....but I've given it 2 years now. I'm getting tired and running out of steam if I'm honest.
We need clones of MJ available everywhere for anyone who has been through this.. She is amazing ❤️
How can I not pause when dealing with the betrayed.
I go into a I don't know what else to do mode. Then I get defensive when I am told that I don't care when in actual life I do Love and Care.
I have owned up to my infidelity and been to counseling.
Got diagnosed with depression PTSD from my pass of being sexually and physical abused. I am putting in the work but seem like nothing will ease what I've done.
I'm struggling big time. My partner has had x5 disclosures. I want her to open up to me but she will not . I still love her but I'm really struggling especially my mental health. I'm not sleeping . Am acting out . Ffs. The struggle is really 🥺
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